The weakening and eventual shut down to the AMOC is expected to reduce total precipitation in North America and increase it in Africa.

Hundreds of millions of North Americans experiencing the worst droughts in history will be like "I guess the rain's down in Africa."

A Blonde Arrives At Home Earlier Than Expected...

...she discovers her husband in bed with her best friend, the wife grabs a gun, puts it to her own head...

Husband: "Honey! Wait! Don't do it!"

Blonde: "Don't worry dear, after I do me, you're next!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 72 virgins were not what I expected

Turns out it was just a reddit admin meeting.

Over the next day, Oregon is expected to break the hottest temperatures ever recorded in its entire history, some places as hot as 118°F (47.78°C)

NOT cool.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As expected, my therapist said I have trouble verbalising my emotions.

I can't say that I'm surprised.

I never expected the Norse god of mischief be such a extravagant dresser.

I had always heard he was real Loki.

A spy has infiltrated an enemy military base in search of illegal weapons. His coordinates for the expected weapons are a little off and he ends up in the ventilation shaft above the toilets. Command contacts him and asks if he’s found anything incriminating yet.

He replies hastily.. “Well, possibly something biological and I don’t see any missiles but.. I C BMs.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men die and are standing in line at the pearly gates.

St. Peter tells them that the rules have changed, and they can only be let in to heaven now if they have had a really bad death. He then proceeds to get their stories one at a time.

The first man explains. "I live on the 25th floor of my apartment building. I came home from work early today, ...

Yesterday, I approached a gorgeous girl, and she was pleased, which wasn't something I expected...

I asked the girl for a movie.

She : "Which movie"? with a sweet smile.

Me : "You decide".

She : "No, you should decide"

Me : "No, you decide"

She : "Sir, please select which movie ticket you want. There are others behind you in the line as well"

Everyone on /r/wallstreetbets is buying uranium in the hope of getting rich, but they're in for a nasty surprise

They're expected to lose 50% of their investment over the next 700 million years.

I was the knight no one expected to appear on battlefield,

Sir Prise.

Statisticians give low paid workers an expected life of 68.7 years

That's mean

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." ...

How do ghosts obtain money?

Via a polterheist. Ouch, the downvotes!

I expected a joke about my mother’s sister to be funny and it actually wasn’t.

It was an auntie-joke.

I expected more people to cry at my wedding

But turns out only the cake was in tiers.

President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.

Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.

The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.

Biden and Obrador were confused and gav...

I don't like over confident people

Edit: Thanks for the silver!

Edit2: thanks for the gold!

Edit3: thanks for the platinum!

Edit4: thanks guys! I never expected this post to blow up like it did!!

Edit5: thanks for the argentinium!

Edit6: thanks for the ternium!

As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

*The plot thickens.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Nazi walks into a bar....

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a na...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On a snowy, cold winter day...

On a snowy, cold winter day, a priest decides to go visit his brother. Because the path is all snowy, it takes him much longer than he expected.

It was already pitch dark when he sees a light... He decides to follow it and when he comes to it, there is a monastery full of nuns. He knocks and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shopping at Tiffany’s

A lady walks into Tiffany’s, looks around, spots a beautiful diamond necklace and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely at it, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a salesman wasn’...

World tounge-twisting champion was just arrested.

It is expected that he will be given a really tough sentence.

I was doing a lab on nuclear decay and at first it worked like expected, but when 3/4 of the material had decayed it suddenly stopped

It seems like there will never be a half life 3

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll fuck their boyfriends

Why are women expected to cook for their husbands?

Prisoners need to be fed.

After retirement, Bob aged 65 married a young 25 year old woman..

Now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.

“I'm eager to meet you all, but my young wife gets lonely when I'm away.”

His friends advised him : Keep a young lodger at home, your wife will be happy in the company of a younger p...

For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa’s favorite joke when I was growing up: “Wanna hear a dirty joke?”

-A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

Edit: thank you for my first silver and gold

Edit 2: I really only expected maybe 1 comment, lol. This really kinda...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is returning home a day earlier than expected from a business trip......

While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because he suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the
act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, ya...

The repairs on big ben are expected to take 3 years

That's a long time considering they're working around the clock

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