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Expected Jokes

I heard 50 Cent wasn’t expected at the half time show

I didn’t think it was a surprise he came out after two quarters

I was the knight no one expected to appear on battlefield,

Sir Prise.

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One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll fuck their boyfriends

As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

*The plot thickens.*

Fasting isn't expected of Muslims until they reach puberty. This means that absolutely all Muslim children...

...grow up to fast

Are we really expected to eat three square meals a day?

I'm sure triangles and circles provide equal nutritional value.

Why isn't the Russian army as strong as expected?

Because they wasted all their steroids on figure skaters a month ago.

Yesterday, I approached a gorgeous girl, and she was pleased, which wasn't something I expected

I asked the girl for a movie.

She : "Which movie"? with a sweet smile.

Me : "You decide".

She : "No, you should decide"

Me : "No, you decide"

She : "Sir, please select which movie ticket you want. There are others behind you in the line as well"

A news headline reads: “Airliner crashes. No survivors expected…

Brazilian citizens among the dead”. I read it to my friend, and they exclaim: “OMG, how many is a Brazilian?!”.

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When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." ...

Putin: There’s a lot less Ukrainian soldiers surrendering than I expected.

Putin’s stooge: It’s fewer, Mr. President.

Putin: Don’t call me that. Yet.

On a historic day like today I expected more dead baby jokes

Guess I will have to travel out of state to find those too

A regular at a local bar is drinking heavily one night, and expectedly has a heart attack and dies.

The patrons are dismayed. They know someone’s got to call his wife, but no one feels up to the task.

The drunk at the end of the bar unexpectedly says he’ll do it, and he picks up the phone.

“Hello, is this Mrs Jamison? Ma'am…I have some good news, and some bad news for you”

...

I took an astronomy class in college but it was harder than I expected.

I had to study day and night.

Well that was....expected

John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. Whe...

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The man who invented the dildo sadly passed away. His funeral went just as expected.

Only women came.

An Apple Factory in China is expected to cut production of iPhones by 18% in response to ongoing worker protests.

The workers' main demand is "more playtime".

How do we know that Death is a man?

He always comes quicker than expected.

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

When Bigfoot made love to Scarlett Johansson we expected him to brag about it.

Yeti remained humble.

I expected more people to cry at my wedding

But turns out only the cake was in tiers.

You expected me, Dio

But it was I, the Spanish Inquisition!

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As I expected, my therapist told me that I have problems verbalizing my emotions.

Can’t say I’m surprised.

Statisticians give low paid workers an expected life of 68.7 years

That's mean

I never expected Facebook to own the whole "cancer on society" thing.

But they're really Meta-stasizing!

There's a highway to hell but a stairway to heaven.

Says a lot about the expected traffic

Taylor Swift is dropping albums like I’m dropping pounds

Only two, but still more than anyone expected.

For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa’s favorite joke when I was growing up: “Wanna hear a dirty joke?”

-A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

Edit: thank you for my first silver and gold

Edit 2: I really only expected maybe 1 comment, lol. This really kinda...

Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.

So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.


Edit:
This got a lot more upvotes than i expected.

Why are women expected to cook for their husbands?

Prisoners need to be fed.

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I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.

But he's not buying it, in fact he's still making fun of me.
Edit: Thanks for the karma, and damn Reddit is not shy about telling internet strangers they pooped in their pants.
Edit 2: Thank you kind stranger for giving me my first gold on a poop joke, I wouldn't have expected it any other...

Who could've expected conservative party member Boris Johnson....

would end up getting a Prince Albert?

I never expected the Norse god of mischief be such a extravagant dresser.

I had always heard he was real Loki.

I don't like over confident people

Edit: Thanks for the silver!

Edit2: thanks for the gold!

Edit3: thanks for the platinum!

Edit4: thanks guys! I never expected this post to blow up like it did!!

Edit5: thanks for the argentinium!

Edit6: thanks for the ternium!

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer

"That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.

The next day, again.
...

I bought a girl flowers and she thought I expected something in return...

She said "oh, so you just expect me to go in the bedroom and lie on the bed with me legs up?"

I said " you don't have a vase?"

-Tahir Bilgic

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

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I've been having sex with an English teacher

She told me that proper use of the colon is a great alternative when a period is expected.

Med school is a lot easier than I expected!

I didn’t even study and my blood test says I got an “A+”

I expected a joke about my mother’s sister to be funny and it actually wasn’t.

It was an auntie-joke.

Nobody Expected Trump to Win, so My Question is....

How did he get Putin the White House?

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No one really expected the Avatar porn

It kinda just came out of the blue

There is an expected condom shortage of 100 million condoms within 6 months.

I’m single-handedly ensuring that I’m not contributing to this shortage.

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A Nazi walks into a bar...

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table.
Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a...

The weakening and eventual shut down to the AMOC is expected to reduce total precipitation in North America and increase it in Africa.

Hundreds of millions of North Americans experiencing the worst droughts in history will be like "I guess the rain's down in Africa."

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