Thanos’ finger snap would have a way greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared

Apparently only DC movies can do that

[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.

Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.

A drawing is walking in an alley, and seems unsettled.

The drawing thinks to itself, “Man, this place seems a little sketchy.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: It seems like you place the burden of all your failures on others, refusing to take responsibility due to learned helplessness, despite most of your problems being solvable.

Client: Yeah, I get that from my mother.

Everybody seems to like cats on Reddit.

Maybe it's because they sort by mew.

Trump should build a wall with Hillary Clinton's emails.

Seems like the only thing people can't get over.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: It seems like you have acute marriage phobia. Do you know the symptoms?

Man: Can’t say that I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.

Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port.

About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving
in the breeze!

"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.

"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea
chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so.
...

I seem to have lost my mood ring

I'm not sure how I feel about it..

From what I've learnt during my education about European countries, Switzerland seems like a great place

The best part about it is its flag. It's a big plus

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Dave, a student at a university seems to be getting a lot of sexual attention from women

Day after day, Dave seems to be with a different girl. His professor, Mike, comes up and asks him what his secret is.
"Before sex, i bang my dick on my bedside table which numbs it and makes me last longer" He says.
"Wow! And that works?" Mike asks.
"Every time" Dave replies. So later tha...

My grandmother is really impressed by how much politicians seem to get done these days

She's always going on about how they're all full of doo-doo.

Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but it seems your kidneys are failing.

Me: I can't believe this is happening.

Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son?

Me: ... I'll tell him.

\[Later at home, sitting down with son\]

Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.

A friend of mine told me this morning that I don’t seem to understand irony...

Which itself was ironic since we were at a bus stop at the time.

A man and his son are walking by a recycling center when the son notices how forlorn all the workers seem to be.

“Dad, why do they all look so down?”

“Son, you would be too if you had to smash pop cans all day long. It’s soda pressing.”

Sorry

Putin must be a great president, Russian journalists seem to really like him

They can't say bad things about him!

Communists never seem to like my jokes.

They only like r/Jokes.

A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to th...

Saudi Arabians just seem so ignorant about everything...

It’s like they’ve been living under Iraq!

Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me

Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy

Dad jokes and Yo Mama jokes seem like they'd be the same

But the difference is a parent.

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Seems the mailman was going to retire...

So, Mrs. Jones told her husband about it because she wanted to do something nice for the guy.

Mr. Jones said "Screw him! Give him five dollars."

So, later that week, Mrs. Jones prepared an elaborate meal and when the mailman came by, she invited him in. She sat him down and served him...

It seems like timers are always ticked off.

To be fair they are constantly getting wound up.

I think this is pretty well-known but people on this sub seem to like reposts so here y'all go:

Question on a university chemistry class midterm:



\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? > > Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs usi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Juggling seems fun

But i just don't have the balls to do it

People who get offended by crucifixion jokes seem rather cross.

I don't get what their hangup is.

I had a great joke about cocaine, but I can’t seem to remember it.

I’m really upset—-I had it all lined up.

My grandads old place has this old fence that for some reason seems to be impossible to remove. Tonight I'm going to try explosives

Edit: Wow I didnt expect this post to blow up as much as it did!

So far, 2019 seems odd.

Like every other year.

A girl once told me it always seems like men share one brain.

I couldn’t think of a good comeback since it wasn’t my turn to use the brain.

I never seem to have good relationships with dwarves

We just never see eye to eye

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When it comes to Hitler, history hasn't been very kind to him. But people seem to forget that he.....

.....did kill Hitler

'You seem happier in summer,' said my wife.

I said, 'Well, she's my favourite hooker.'

THIS SEEMS FAMILIAR…

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Dejav.

Dejav who?

Knock! Knock!

I can't seem to make abortion jokes

They always die in New

Traffic in New York seems like a mass break up

No one is moving on

Seems like there are very few products made in America any more. I just bought a TV and it said,

Built in Antenna.

I seem to be one of the few people that understand anti-vaxxers completely...

I also don't like kids

Docotr: your pulse seems fine.

Patient: do you think you could check the pulse on the other hand? This one is a prostethis.

Whattaya call someone who seems to have an almost fetishistic obsession with stomping into a comments section, saying something absolutely horrible, and spending the rest of the day slapfighting with whole threads of people calling them an idiot?

A compulsive mass debater.

My school seems to respect me alot

My report is filled with Fs

To all the Android users who just can't seem to gain administrator access to their devices on their own:

We're rooting for you!

These Samsung Foldable phones seem to be breaking everywhere

They are breaking left right and centre

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Every time my wife and I do anal I can’t seem to finish.

Some would say it’s becoming nuttin butt trouble.

Seems you can get anything for free these days.

The other day I saw a sign that said"Free Palestine!"

Anytime I watch a Jennifer Anniston movie, it seems like she’s playing the same character.

She is a victim of Rachel profiling.

Reporter 1: The cult members seem totally brainwashed, and still place their blind faith in a false savior offering hollow promises of salvation!

Reporter 2: And that concludes our report from the White House.

A simple joke, but your mom seems to like it.

You.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

People never seem to remember Jet Li's weaker, pacifist brother...

Gent Li.

Patient: I seem to be seeing cream cakes in the corner of my eye

Doctor: that's just your profiterole vision

'You seem to be visibly distressed,' said the judge to the witness.

'Is anything the matter?'

"Well, your Honour," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."

I came home from work yesterday to find that someone broke into my home. it seemed like they didn't really take a whole lot. My TV, my PS4 and my legos were fine. But the room was dark, even when I tried to turn on the lights. Seems the only thing that was taken were my lightbulbs and a couple lamps

I was delighted.

Every Christmas Santa seems to skip Indonesia

He just gives them a big wave.

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The targeted junk email I get seems to be aimed at the wrong guy..

They really need to update their database, they seem to all think I want to own a rolex, am desperately single enough to want a Russian Bride, have a really small penis, mounting debt, and should refinance my home.

Crazy right?

I don't own a home!

My grandfather seems really annoyed for having to use the stair lift to go upstairs.

He said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”

Dressing like a nun seems like something I'd like to do, but I've heard it's addictive

and I don't want to get into the habit.

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A lot of people seem surprised when I tell them I regularly have sex with my boss

One of the many perks of self employment.

Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased

I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3am screaming, covered in my own urine.

The doctor said to me, “Your brain seems to have deleted all information about 80's pop music!” I gasped, “Yikes! What’s The Cure?!”

He yowled, “Oh my God! It’s worse than I thought!”

The set of dominoes I got for the holidays seems kinda wimpy.

They won't stand up for themselves, and they can be a bunch of pushovers.

Wives seem to love this one

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman'...

“Well - Mrs. Smith, it would seem that you're pregnant.”

“Sweet Jesus, that's wonderful, I'm pregnant, Doctor?!”

“Oh not at all, but at first glance, it would certainly seem so. Here's our weight loss brochure.”

It seems like every week there's another headline about scientists finding a promising treatment that cures cancer in mice.

If these guys worked on curing cancer in humans instead we'd probably have it licked by now.

Over the last month, Elon Musk seems to be embroiled in one scandal after another.

Elon-Gate seems to be a long drawn out affair.

While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn't seem amused...

**It must have been the delivery.**



edit:

* I meant to note that I originally posted this as a comment in another joke, but thought I'd try it as a stand-alone joke

* This is literally a true story. She gave birth to an amazing little girl on Tuesday evening.

All my friends from Ecuador seem to be really healthy.

I guess the Quito diet is working for them.

I can’t seem to understand water polo

I always do fairly well but the horse always drowns in the end

I explained to my friend that I was going to shoot him, and I did. He didn’t seem to care.

It just went in one ear and out the other.

It's funny how 8 glasses of water seems like a lot

But 8 beers, two shots and a bottle of wine go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man seems very happy at the old people's home...

..his daughter asks him how its all going. He replies "Fine"
"Are you sleeping ok?" she enquires.
"Oh yes," he replies, " very well - every evening they give me a cup of warm cocoa and a viagra... I sleep as sound as anything!"
The daughter thinks this is a little odd but decides not to com...

Johnny might seem like he isn't good anything

But incest is where he really comes into his own

I have practiced everything until perfection, but nobody seems to notice

Don't misunderstand me. My pickpocketing has improved, but nobody seems to notice.

Dwarves may seem okay on the outside...

But 6 out of 7 aren't happy.

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So, a very muscular white man seems like he's drinking too much..

He's a regular at this bar, so the bartender, Jerry, knows him well. The man keeps pounding back shots, one after another.

"Come on Jerry, another one and I can run around the block."

Jerry pours another, and the man throws it back

"Man, just one more and I can run a whole mara...

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What do teddies bears use to make their boobs seem larger ?

A plush-up bra.

Donald Trump seems to be great at pulling out of deals.

Shame his dad didn’t have such a strong pull out game.

I've had kidney stones for my entire life and it seems that they'll always be there forever

They're infinity stones

People on Reddit seem to have way too low standards

Everyone keeps calling me OP

Why don't Germans and Russians seem to get along?

Maybe because they're Poles apart.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just saw a documentary about Japanese men with inflatable girlfriends. Seems like they're out of the gene pool.

Even if they were in the pool, they'd be fine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

They classified a guy I work with morbidly obese which seems a little harsh...

I mean, he has enough on his plate already.

I would make a chemistry joke, but seems like all the chemists here...

...Argon.

Seems like I keep hearing the same funny thing about a jogger over and over again.

It’s kind of a running joke.

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Why do prostitutes never seem to settle down?

They are always cumming and going.

I couldn’t figure out why the season of The Apprentice I was watching was going on for so long. Each week someone gets fired, but we never seem to get down to the final winner!

Then I realized, I was just watching the news.

I dont care if I seem racist

Drag racing just is not as impressive as formula 1.

Saudi Arabian seems really behind on the times.

It's like they're living under Iraq or something.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend seems to have a fetish of me chasing her before I have sex with her.

Although, she doesn't know she's my girlfriend yet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar. He orders 4 shots of whiskey from the bar. He drinks them. The bartender pours another 4, which he drinks. The bartender- "You seem to be in a really good mood!" The customer- "I'm pretty excited abut my first blowjob!" The bartender says "Congrats, have another shot on me!"

The customer replies "No thanks, if 8 shots of whiskey won't get rid of the taste, I don't think 9 will either!"

A man walks up to the information desk at a mall and says, “I seem to have lost my kids. Can I make an announcement on the PA system?”

Mall guy: Oh sure.

Man, grabbing the mike: I’m vegan.

Everything we eat always seems to taste like chicken, beef or pork, except for snake.

That always tastes like my ex.

Little Johnny kept getting into trouble for disrupting his third grade class, seems he was regularly busting out obnoxiously loud farts.

His teacher kept him after school to have a talk with him and, maybe, resolve the problem. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, “I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I’m proud of it.” The teacher, in a moment of despiration, says,...

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Why does Donald Trump always seem upset?

Because it's better to be pissed off than pissed on.

I don't know why, but the record for oldest person seems to be cursed.

Every time someone gets it, they die shortly afterwards.

A man falls down on a street from fifth floor, but seems to be relatively unharmed and manages to stand up.

People run up to him and ask: “Are you all right?! What happened?!”

The man answers: “I don’t know, I just got here myself”.

I’ve been ridiculed by both sides for not picking an ideology. The very fact that I can’t clearly define which way I roll seems to enrages people.

I don’t pay attention to how I put the toilet paper on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My posts all seem to be like the first time I had sex..

Disappointing for everyone involved.

I find younger girls seem to make more noise in the bedroom...

I suppose they are not expecting to see a man outside their window.

Although the cannibalism of the praying mantis may seem severe, it is thankfully brief. In other species, the female will slowly suck the life out of her partner over a period of decades.

This process is commonly called marriage.

Seems like there is always more than one fruit fetishist...

They come in pears.

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A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden butt naked. My ...

Why do crane operators seem to always get dates?

They have the strongest pick up lines.

In tech support, we get asked questions that seem like common sense. Today I told a guy "CTRL-P"...

...but he didn't make it to the bathroom.

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Doctor! Doctor! I seem to have five penises

How does your underwear fit?

Like a glove.

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notic...

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John really loves black women, but can never seem to date one. He seeks help from his friends.

He meets up with them: "Guys, I am 27 years old. Soon I'll settle down with a nice girl and build a family. But whatever happens, I really want to date a black girl. I fear that when I'll get married, I won't ever be able to fulfill this desire of mine."


Robert, his stoner friend, suggest...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

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Hitler seems to get a lot of hate these days, but to the man's credit..

he *did* kill Hitler.

Do you know what seems odd to me?

numbers that can't be divided by 2

I've been in an abusive relationship for months now and I can't seem to get out of it. Someone show me what I'm doing wrong.

Everytime I hit her, she keeps coming back.

It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it.

He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.

Olympic curling seems like the kind of game...

Mr. Miyagi would have invented to trick Daniel into sweeping his floors.

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My doctor recently wrote me a prescription for daily sex.

My wife seems to think it's for dyslexia.

Why did the room packed with married people seem empty?

Because there wasn't a single person there.

(From Grandpa RIP) A Chinaman walks into an optometrist’s office. The optometrist says, “Well it seems like you have a cataract.”

The chinaman says “Nooooo, I drive a Rincoln Continental”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been meeting girls off Jdate lately. They always seem to figure out I'm not Jewish when they see my willy.

I wonder if it's because of the Swastika tattoo I've got down there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It seems that there's no sexy women in my area anymore.

I guess that's the downside of watching porn in prison.

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day....

It seems highly unlikely that the Romans would have built a new cross for every execution, which means...

Jesus was a repost.

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A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,

"I want to open a fuckin' checking account"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the wi...

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