Seem Jokes - 137 Hilarious Seem Jokes

nobody seems to upvote a cake joke on cakeday anymore

Feeling desserted

Comparing Texas lawmakers with the Taliban seems a little extreme.

One is authoritarian theocracy armed by US weapons manufacturers that violently persecutes women and children in the name of religion and the other is the Taliban.

America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona

By keeping the first one going

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.

Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.

Wives seem to love this one

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman'...

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

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Even Lowe's seems to be participating in pride month.

Couldn't find a straight board there today.

While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn't seem amused...

**It must have been the delivery.**

edit:

* I meant to note that I originally posted this as a comment in another joke, but thought I'd try it as a stand-alone joke

* This is literally a true story. She gave birth to an amazing little girl on Tuesday evening.

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Why does Donald Trump always seem upset?

Because it's better to be pissed off than pissed on.

I only seem to get sick on weekdays...

I must have a weekend immune system.

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

2/22/22 may seem cool...

but I was around for 12:34:56 7/8/90

Protip for women : if a guy you met doesn't seem to leave you despite dropping hints,do the following

1. Talk about your horoscope

2. Talk about your cat

3. Talk about your cat's horoscope if he is still around ..

The girl I brought home last weekend didn't seem impressed by my collection of beer commercials

Apparently, she'd misunderstood when I told her I had six-pack ads

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A man is visiting a prostitute when she is noticing he seems distraught.

She asks him what's bothering him.

He tells her, "I sell furniture and if the furniture business doesn't pick up soon, I'll lose my ass"

She replies, "That's a funny coincidence. If the ass business doesn't pick up soon, I'll lose my furniture!"

This blender I just bought doesn't seem to be working right

I keep getting mixed results

My company got bought out by a Madrid based firm today. Everyone seemed surprised.

Nobody expects the Spanish Acquisition

Why do ventriloquists seem so smart?

Because they hang out with dummies every day

Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me

Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy

Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased

I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3am screaming, covered in my own urine.

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

If my jokes seem tired

It's because I sleep funny

Charles, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
“Charles, I have to tel...

So far, 2019 seems odd.

Like every other year.

I don't know why, but the record for oldest person seems to be cursed.

Every time someone gets it, they die shortly afterwards.

People seem to like me more now that I say I'm a spiritual person

As compared to before when I used the term "alcoholic" instead

During interviews he seems like such a nice guy, but the actor who plays Wolverine is a real phoney

It’s a huge act, man..

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

Why does the conservative agenda seem to be fill-in-the-blank these days?

Because they only care about Mad Libs!

May cat seems to like stormy weather...

when it rains, it purrs.

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A lot of people seem surprised when I tell them I regularly have sex with my boss

One of the many perks of self employment.

Lately people seem to think I'm from Kent, I don't understand it..

But I keep hearing everyone whisper it when I walk past.

What seem to be the trouble

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble

Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that

nobody can hear what I say.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be eighty

Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now

Doctor: Se...

My four year old daughter has been learning Spanish now for over a year but she still can’t seem to say “please”

I think that’s poor for four

My wife came home from golfing with the girls and she seemed upset

I asked what’s wrong, and she said “I was in misery all day. I got stung by a hornet between the first and second holes”

I said, “Your stance is too wide.”

Triangles seem to be rich

They hold so many properties

me: doctor, everything anyone says to me seems to be a palindrome!

doctor: lol

“Well - Mrs. Smith, it would seem that you're pregnant.”

“Sweet Jesus, that's wonderful, I'm pregnant, Doctor?!”

“Oh not at all, but at first glance, it would certainly seem so. Here's our weight loss brochure.”

I was talking to a lovely young lady and things seemed to be going really well.

Then she said "There's something I want to get out of the way right now," and she reached up and took a wig off her head, and it turned out she was as bald as a new-laid egg.

"Alopecia," she said. "It's a condition that causes hair to fall out."

"Oh," I said. "...Just on your head, or ...

This morning I accidentally put baking soda in my wife’s coffee instead of sugar. She didn’t seem to mind though.

She’s basic.

Hockey seems like a women's sport....

It has periods and the players wear pads.

Why does it seem like 90% of Redditors are hardcore liberal atheists?

Because the conservatives are at work.

Hotel receptionists always seem to be such massive perverts

They spend all day checking people out.

It seems SBF’s parents jumbled his name

It should have been Fried a Bank

Too soon?

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

My girlfriend got the COVID vaccine and it seems like the main side effect is...

...that she can't stop talking about getting the COVID vaccine.

When I met the Rock, he seemed quite shy.

I expected him to be a little bolder.

Do you know the reason children seem invincible?

It's because they can only take minor damage.

It seems like everyday I come across a new article about a cure for Alzheimer's

Turns out it's actually the same article.

If you have a cat and seem to be having allergy issues simply wash your cat three times a day

And it will leave

People really seem to like caskets

They literally die to get in

Everyone on the internet seems to hate vegans, but I don’t really get it.

Personally I’ve ….never had a beef with one.

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After Covid it seems everyone forgot this sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality rate

Life

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A cruise ship spies a seemingly deserted island in the distance...

(Warning: This is a joke that might only be understood by Jews. That said, it's a classic, and one that most Jews find to be extremely funny and spot on. If you're not Jewish, read on if you would like to glean some insight into Jewish humor and culture.)

 

So a cruise sh...

The police seem to be making up the law as they go along

I got into a fight with a white man last month, the police intervened and I was charged with assault.

Last night I beat up a black guy, they intervened again and they charged me with impersonating a police officer.

Most people dont seem to like my nature joke

Everyone who listens to it leaves

People seem to really hate fat...

everywhere I go, I get people saying

Sorry for the weight.

I told my dad he didn’t seem to know what it means to be a father…

He said he thought it was apparent

People always seem surprised by the way spicy chorizo affects their digestion. Seems like...

No-one expects the Spanish ring excretion!

The Jehovah's Witness don't seem to get the hint with my Koran, so...

Islam the door in their face

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Why do men seem to get away with their sexual promiscuity so much more than women do?

Men's underwear covers their asses

Hey I seem to have picked up a stomach bug

So far just explosive diarrhea. I will keep y’all posted as situation can best be described as fluid.

After looking at my phones call log, I seem to be pretty popular

I even have a guy named Spam Risk that calls me 5 or 6 times a day.

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It seems like no matter how much mascara I put on my penis....

I can't seem to make it thicker, fuller or longer lasting.

Why do vampires seem sick?

They’re always coffin!

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Dave, a student at a university seems to be getting a lot of sexual attention from women

Day after day, Dave seems to be with a different girl. His professor, Mike, comes up and asks him what his secret is.
"Before sex, i bang my dick on my bedside table which numbs it and makes me last longer" He says.
"Wow! And that works?" Mike asks.
"Every time" Dave replies. So later tha...

"Isn't it amazing how superheroes seem to destroy half the city every time they fight?"

"Yea well, who's going to stop them? The villains?"

I always seem to say the wrong thing. For example yesterday I complimented my best friend's moustache.

Now she's not talking to me.

"God Save the Queen" seems an ill-fitting anthem following the coronation of King Charles III

The obvious choice for the replacement is the "Charles in Charge" theme song.

You know what seems odd to me?

Numbers that aren’t divisible by two

“Isn’t all contemporary fiction just a retelling of older stories, arranged in such a way as to appeal to the broadest population, given their familiarity with technological advancements that would seem magical to authors of earlier ages….

…” I asked the chicken as we both stood on the sidewalk. It suddenly and without comment walked across the road.

“Hey,” I called after the chicken, “why’d you do that?!”

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It seems like Will Smith is really insecure about his wife's physical appearance.

But I don't understand that. Obviously, she's a very strong, beautiful woman.
Otherwise we wouldn't all be fucking her.

(Stolen from Kill Tony)

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Therapist : your problem seems to be over attachment, a tendency to fall in love very quickly without regards of other person's feeling.

Me : please don't talk like this, baby doll.

While my wife was in labor, I read her the front page from /r/Jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused...

It must have been the delivery...

Did you know that Popeye the Sailor Man doesn't seem strong to the Swedes and the Norwegians?

He is, however, strong to the Finnish.

Wearing a second hand hairpiece may seem kind of gross

but its a small price toupee

COVID-19 doesnt seem to retire....

COVID-19 is not going to retire from US any time soon even though cases have reached 401K ...

Dad jokes and Yo Mama jokes seem like they'd be the same

But the difference is a parent.

Why does it seem like everyone is getting COVID-19

Because it’s a virus not a virme

What is a videogame people have been waiting forever and devs never seem to release the sequel?

Formula 1

Planes never seem to land happily,

They're always a touch down

Jokes from the 90's seem popular here. How about one from the 80's?

Little Timmy had a severe stutter. However, his mother decided that this was no reason for him to not live a normal life, and so decided he should try taking the bus to school on his own.

"It's very simple," she assured her nervous boy. "When you board the bus tomorrow morning, tell the cond...

My wife said, “I’ve never seem you mop or sweep in my life!”

I said, “Floors are beneath me.”

I've got a friend with ADHD and, interestingly, he seems to be sharper than most people.

I guess that he's got AD4K.

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Therapist: What seems to be the problem?

Me: I have an irrational fear of those gas station slushies, y'know the ones you get for a dollar?

Therapist: I see.

Me: *Screams.*

I might seem perfect...

I know that I might seem perfect, but one of my legs is actually a tiny bit shorter than the other two.

Saudi Arabians just seem so ignorant about everything...

It’s like they’ve been living under Iraq!

I seem to have run out of tea...

What a catastrotea.

I have a friend who can’t seem to get her life together. I blame it on her citric acid allergy.

Every time life hands her lemons, she goes into anaphylactic shock.

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It seems like nothing is made in America anymore! They keep outsourcing to cheaper and cheaper places.

I just bought a new TV and it said "built in antenna."

I haven't even heard of that shithole country!

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I have a special set of trainers that always seem to give me a sore throat whenever I wear them.

They're my hoarse shoes.

I ran into my old Emirati buddy back in college. But I couldn’t seem to remember his name.

Isn’t it Saad?

Thanos jokes always seem to crack me up

Its just inevitable.

I seem to have lost some weight.

If anyone finds it, please keep it.

'You seem happier in summer,' said my wife.

I said, 'Well, she's my favourite hooker.'

Why did the room packed with married people seem empty?

*Because there wasn't a single person there.*

Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days ?

Dunno, they just seem a bit shady

My pet raven seems to have fallen ill.

I’m worried he caught CROVID-19.

It funny the things that seem normal when you're a kid.

There was always this kid at the park, covered in dry leaves. We used to call him Russell.

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Juggling seems fun

I just don't have the balls to do it.

Seems my girlfriend's moonlighting as a parts model

I overheard her on the phone to her friend, boasting about how much she was earning doing hand and foot jobs.

What jokes seem perfect for quarantine but are better with friends?

Inside jokes.

THIS SEEMS FAMILIAR…

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Dejav.

Dejav who?

Knock! Knock!

I came home from work yesterday to find that someone broke into my home. it seemed like they didn't really take a whole lot. My TV, my PS4 and my legos were fine. But the room was dark, even when I tried to turn on the lights. Seems the only thing that was taken were my lightbulbs and a couple lamps

I was delighted.

Deaf people seem tough to me

Because they always let their fists do the talking

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older

then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

This may seem random, but C Minor...

On a related note, E flat.

On a scale from 1-10 my pain seems to always be Pi

It may be a low level but it goes on forever

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Why does old people porn always seem believable?

Because baby boomers are actually delivering pizzas in retirement.

Banksy seems like a trustworthy artist.

Sure he's kind of shady, a bit sketchy, but he's not trying to frame me.

I constantly have to remind my wife to not breast feed our son for so long. She always seems to forget that it causes bleeding…

… she has a tearable mammary.

(Sorry just a random dad joke I thought of today while in the shower. Not a true story)

Crooks just seem to be phoning it in these days

That’s at least how our president likes to do it.

I would make a chemistry joke, but seems like all the chemists here...

...Argon.

A woman is trying to grow tomatoes, but can't seem to get them to turn red...

She sees that her neighbor has beautiful red tomatoes so she asks him, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" "Easy" He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a...

People never seem to remember Jet Li's weaker, pacifist brother...

Gent Li.

I can't seem to make a joke about how bad a school dance is,

I always get stuck at the punch line.

I seem to have lost my mood ring

I'm not sure how I feel about it..

The US mint seems to be broken

The penny marking machine at the US mint just stopped working for no reason.

It just doesn't make any cents!

The headphones I just bought for $400 doesn't seem to be working...

hope I'm having a hearing loss.

Zack Snyder seems to be a good barber

Lots of people liked his cut

Dwarves may seem okay on the outside...

But 6 out of 7 aren't happy.

Clickbaits seem so obvious...

Just like this one.

I can’t seem to understand water polo

I always do fairly well but the horse always drowns in the end

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Why do most Vietnamese people seem like male prostitutes?

Because they pay for everything with their Dongs

Anger management classes seem to be getting popular nowadays.

You could say they’re all the rage.

My school seems to respect me alot

My report is filled with Fs

People who get offended by crucifixion jokes seem rather cross.

I don't get what their hangup is.

What did the doctor say to the guy who couldn't seem to stop drinking his own pee?

Urine addict

I dont care if I seem racist

Drag racing just is not as impressive as formula 1.

I dunno, seems like a joke to me

Never use poems in evil ways. Well I'm

gonna do exactly that. I might as well

give you the knowledge that

you will be pranked **hard**. So leave. Still reading? You don't give

up easily. You should've

never read this. Let me just tell you that you're

gonna h...

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A man walks into a psychiatrist office and says "I cant seem to make any friends"

"Do you think you can help me you fat fuck?"

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A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden butt naked. My ...

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"What seems to be the problem?" asked the doc.

"Well," I said, "the entrance to my arse is sore."

"That's probably because you call it the entrance," he replied.

Johnny might seem like he isn't good anything

But incest is where he really comes into his own

What’s a fairly common work duty that everyone seems to hate, but a pimp might enjoy having?

Doing Inventory.

My Psychiatrist 'It seems like you have a fear of getting married. Do you know the symptoms?'

'I can't say I do.'

'Exactly. That's one of them.'

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