[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.

Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dave, a student at a university seems to be getting a lot of sexual attention from women

Day after day, Dave seems to be with a different girl. His professor, Mike, comes up and asks him what his secret is.
"Before sex, i bang my dick on my bedside table which numbs it and makes me last longer" He says.
"Wow! And that works?" Mike asks.
"Every time" Dave replies. So later tha...

I think this is pretty well-known but people on this sub seem to like reposts so here y'all go:

Question on a university chemistry class midterm:

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\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? > > Most of the students wrote proofs of their...

Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but it seems your kidneys are failing.

Me: I can't believe this is happening.

Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son?

Me: ... I'll tell him.

\[Later at home, sitting down with son\]

Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.

Dad jokes and Yo Mama jokes seem like they'd be the same

But the difference is a parent.

Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me

Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

Traffic in New York seems like a mass break up

No one is moving on

My grandads old place has this old fence that for some reason seems to be impossible to remove. Tonight I'm going to try explosives

Edit: Wow I didnt expect this post to blow up as much as it did!

These Samsung Foldable phones seem to be breaking everywhere

They are breaking left right and centre

'You seem happier in summer,' said my wife.

I said, 'Well, she's my favourite hooker.'

When it comes to Hitler, history hasn't been very kind to him. But people seem to forget that he.....

.....did kill Hitler

I can't seem to make abortion jokes

They always die in New

Trump should build a wall with Hillary Clinton's emails.

Seems like the only thing people can't get over.

So far, 2019 seems odd.

Like every other year.

THIS SEEMS FAMILIAR…

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Dejav.

Dejav who?

Knock! Knock!

Seems like there are very few products made in America any more. I just bought a TV and it said,

Built in Antenna.

I had a great joke about cocaine, but I can’t seem to remember it.

I’m really upset—-I had it all lined up.

Overweight people always seem to have a chip on their shoulder

And several in their laps and at the floor around their feet and chip crumbs around their mouth too

Seems you can get anything for free these days.

The other day I saw a sign that said"Free Palestine!"

Whattaya call someone who seems to have an almost fetishistic obsession with stomping into a comments section, saying something absolutely horrible, and spending the rest of the day slapfighting with whole threads of people calling them an idiot?

A compulsive mass debater.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The targeted junk email I get seems to be aimed at the wrong guy..

They really need to update their database, they seem to all think I want to own a rolex, am desperately single enough to want a Russian Bride, have a really small penis, mounting debt, and should refinance my home.

Crazy right?

I don't own a home!

My school seems to respect me alot

My report is filled with Fs

To all the Android users who just can't seem to gain administrator access to their devices on their own:

We're rooting for you!

Reporter 1: The cult members seem totally brainwashed, and still place their blind faith in a false savior offering hollow promises of salvation!

Reporter 2: And that concludes our report from the White House.

My Alzheimers seems to come and go...

Almost like it's just sometimers.

People never seem to remember Jet Li's weaker, pacifist brother...

Gent Li.

A simple joke, but your mom seems to like it.

You.

Anytime I watch a Jennifer Anniston movie, it seems like she’s playing the same character.

She is a victim of Rachel profiling.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

I seem to be one of the few people that understand anti-vaxxers completely...

I also don't like kids

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Every time my wife and I do anal I can’t seem to finish.

Some would say it’s becoming nuttin butt trouble.

Patient: I seem to be seeing cream cakes in the corner of my eye

Doctor: that's just your profiterole vision

#MeToo seems a little inappropriate

How does a movement against rape benefit from saying "Pound me too"

Every Christmas Santa seems to skip Indonesia

He just gives them a big wave.

Therapist: It seems like you have an acute fear of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?

Man: I can’t say that I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.

I came home from work yesterday to find that someone broke into my home. it seemed like they didn't really take a whole lot. My TV, my PS4 and my legos were fine. But the room was dark, even when I tried to turn on the lights. Seems the only thing that was taken were my lightbulbs and a couple lamps

I was delighted.

Dressing like a nun seems like something I'd like to do, but I've heard it's addictive

and I don't want to get into the habit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lot of people seem surprised when I tell them I regularly have sex with my boss

One of the many perks of self employment.

It seems like every week there's another headline about scientists finding a promising treatment that cures cancer in mice.

If these guys worked on curing cancer in humans instead we'd probably have it licked by now.

All my friends from Ecuador seem to be really healthy.

I guess the Quito diet is working for them.

Wives seem to love this one

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman'...

'You seem to be visibly distressed,' said the judge to the witness.

'Is anything the matter?'

"Well, your Honour," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."

I explained to my friend that I was going to shoot him, and I did. He didn’t seem to care.

It just went in one ear and out the other.

The doctor said to me, “Your brain seems to have deleted all information about 80's pop music!” I gasped, “Yikes! What’s The Cure?!”

He yowled, “Oh my God! It’s worse than I thought!”

A woman is trying to grow tomatoes, but can't seem to get them to turn red...

She sees that her neighbor has beautiful red tomatoes so she asks him, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" "Easy" He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a...

I can’t seem to understand water polo

I always do fairly well but the horse always drowns in the end

It's funny how 8 glasses of water seems like a lot

But 8 beers, two shots and a bottle of wine go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.

“Well - Mrs. Smith, it would seem that you're pregnant.”

“Sweet Jesus, that's wonderful, I'm pregnant, Doctor?!”

“Oh not at all, but at first glance, it would certainly seem so. Here's our weight loss brochure.”

Over the last month, Elon Musk seems to be embroiled in one scandal after another.

Elon-Gate seems to be a long drawn out affair.

I have practiced everything until perfection, but nobody seems to notice

Don't misunderstand me. My pickpocketing has improved, but nobody seems to notice.

Johnny might seem like he isn't good anything

But incest is where he really comes into his own

Why don't Germans and Russians seem to get along?

Maybe because they're Poles apart.

I don’t understand this recent trend where everyone seems to be obsessed with protein.

I’m way more into amateur teen.

Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased

I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3am screaming, covered in my own urine.

Dwarves may seem okay on the outside...

But 6 out of 7 aren't happy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old man seems very happy at the old people's home...

..his daughter asks him how its all going. He replies "Fine"
"Are you sleeping ok?" she enquires.
"Oh yes," he replies, " very well - every evening they give me a cup of warm cocoa and a viagra... I sleep as sound as anything!"
The daughter thinks this is a little odd but decides not to com...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do teddies bears use to make their boobs seem larger ?

A plush-up bra.

While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn't seem amused...

**It must have been the delivery.**



edit:

* I meant to note that I originally posted this as a comment in another joke, but thought I'd try it as a stand-alone joke

* This is literally a true story. She gave birth to an amazing little girl on Tuesday evening.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So, a very muscular white man seems like he's drinking too much..

He's a regular at this bar, so the bartender, Jerry, knows him well. The man keeps pounding back shots, one after another.

"Come on Jerry, another one and I can run around the block."

Jerry pours another, and the man throws it back

"Man, just one more and I can run a whole mara...

Toad seems so chill when he hangs out with Mario.

He’s such a fungi

People on Reddit seem to have way too low standards

Everyone keeps calling me OP

Donald Trump seems to be great at pulling out of deals.

Shame his dad didn’t have such a strong pull out game.

I couldn’t figure out why the season of The Apprentice I was watching was going on for so long. Each week someone gets fired, but we never seem to get down to the final winner!

Then I realized, I was just watching the news.

I've had kidney stones for my entire life and it seems that they'll always be there forever

They're infinity stones

A man walks up to the information desk at a mall and says, “I seem to have lost my kids. Can I make an announcement on the PA system?”

Mall guy: Oh sure.

Man, grabbing the mike: I’m vegan.

They classified a guy I work with morbidly obese which seems a little harsh...

I mean, he has enough on his plate already.

Why do prostitutes never seem to settle down?

They are always cumming and going.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

I dont care if I seem racist

Drag racing just is not as impressive as formula 1.

Everything we eat always seems to taste like chicken, beef or pork, except for snake.

That always tastes like my ex.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar. He orders 4 shots of whiskey from the bar. He drinks them. The bartender pours another 4, which he drinks. The bartender- "You seem to be in a really good mood!" The customer- "I'm pretty excited abut my first blowjob!" The bartender says "Congrats, have another shot on me!"

The customer replies "No thanks, if 8 shots of whiskey won't get rid of the taste, I don't think 9 will either!"

A man falls down on a street from fifth floor, but seems to be relatively unharmed and manages to stand up.

People run up to him and ask: “Are you all right?! What happened?!”

The man answers: “I don’t know, I just got here myself”.

Little Johnny kept getting into trouble for disrupting his third grade class, seems he was regularly busting out obnoxiously loud farts.

His teacher kept him after school to have a talk with him and, maybe, resolve the problem. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, “I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I’m proud of it.” The teacher, in a moment of despiration, says,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend seems to have a fetish of me chasing her before I have sex with her.

Although, she doesn't know she's my girlfriend yet.

It seems Like Saudi Arabia

will surely beheading out of the World Cup

I would make a chemistry joke, but seems like all the chemists here...

...Argon.

I’ve been ridiculed by both sides for not picking an ideology. The very fact that I can’t clearly define which way I roll seems to enrages people.

I don’t pay attention to how I put the toilet paper on.

Seems like I keep hearing the same funny thing about a jogger over and over again.

It’s kind of a running joke.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John really loves black women, but can never seem to date one. He seeks help from his friends.

He meets up with them: "Guys, I am 27 years old. Soon I'll settle down with a nice girl and build a family. But whatever happens, I really want to date a black girl. I fear that when I'll get married, I won't ever be able to fulfill this desire of mine."


Robert, his stoner friend, suggest...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My posts all seem to be like the first time I had sex..

Disappointing for everyone involved.

Although the cannibalism of the praying mantis may seem severe, it is thankfully brief. In other species, the female will slowly suck the life out of her partner over a period of decades.

This process is commonly called marriage.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why does Donald Trump always seem upset?

Because it's better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Why do crane operators seem to always get dates?

They have the strongest pick up lines.

I don't know why, but the record for oldest person seems to be cursed.

Every time someone gets it, they die shortly afterwards.

Saudi Arabian seems really behind on the times.

It's like they're living under Iraq or something.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doctor! Doctor! I seem to have five penises

How does your underwear fit?

Like a glove.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden butt naked. My ...

Seems like there is always more than one fruit fetishist...

They come in pears.

Olympic curling seems like the kind of game...

Mr. Miyagi would have invented to trick Daniel into sweeping his floors.

I find younger girls seem to make more noise in the bedroom...

I suppose they are not expecting to see a man outside their window.

The CIA,The FBI and the KGB

The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They ...

It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it.

He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.

Do you know what seems odd to me?

numbers that can't be divided by 2

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It seems that there's no sexy women in my area anymore.

I guess that's the downside of watching porn in prison.

In tech support, we get asked questions that seem like common sense. Today I told a guy "CTRL-P"...

...but he didn't make it to the bathroom.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've been meeting girls off Jdate lately. They always seem to figure out I'm not Jewish when they see my willy.

I wonder if it's because of the Swastika tattoo I've got down there.

I've been in an abusive relationship for months now and I can't seem to get out of it. Someone show me what I'm doing wrong.

Everytime I hit her, she keeps coming back.

Hitler seems to get a lot of hate these days, but to the man's credit..

he *did* kill Hitler.

Why did the room packed with married people seem empty?

Because there wasn't a single person there.

(From Grandpa RIP) A Chinaman walks into an optometrist’s office. The optometrist says, “Well it seems like you have a cataract.”

The chinaman says “Nooooo, I drive a Rincoln Continental”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I am borrowing this joke from a torrent day user who doesn't seem to exist anymore. Let his joke live on!!!

�When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don�t take it out on someone you know. Take it out on someone you don�t know, but you know deserves it. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I�d forgotten to make. I found the number and dia...

Detroit isn't That Bad... Trust Me

A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying.

"No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family."

The ...

"You don't seem to be losing any weight." said the doctor to his overweight patient...

"Did you follow my advice to start taking some exercise?"

"Exercise? I thought that you said 'extra fries'!"

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

Lately I've noticed a strange fascination shared by everybody that comes over to my house. They can't seem to get enough of this one Stephen King book I have on my shelf.

I guess it's true what they say; company loves Misery.

Everybody makes race relations seem so complicated

But really the issue is pretty black and white

It seems highly unlikely that the Romans would have built a new cross for every execution, which means...

Jesus was a repost.

All of my coworkers seem to have large blisters on their skin.

I think it's a staff infection.

I put all my fish in their new tank, but they don't seem to be liking it very much.

Perhaps I should have added water.

I heard that Chicago had a world renowned shooting range. So I went to go check it out. When I got there I couldn’t seem to find it, so I asked for directions...

The guy I asked gave me a funny look and said, “The city of Chicago is the shooting range.”

No matter how hard I try, I always seem to be going round in circles.

Having a broken arm while in a wheelchair isn’t ideal.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As a single guy living alone, I get invited to dinners with family friends or my parents or friends parents places. When use the bathroom I notice that every one seems they have these toilet paper holders, like little stacks of 2 to 4 brand new toilet paper rolls in some form of stacking device.....

I think back to my place & financial situation making one Toilet roll last as long as possible, to ensure that I keep to my tight budget of living alone with a dead end job.

To me it’s like these toilet roll stacks in the bathroom feel almost like a ostentatious display of the people’s li...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doctor: "Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live."

Man: "Doc, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked. “What can I do to live at least a little longer?"

Doc: "Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?"

Man: "Yes."

Doc: "You must stop!"

Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I'll do it!"

Doc: "Do you drink...

The police seem to be making up the law as they go along

I got into a fight with a white man last month, the police intervened and I was charged with assault.

Last night I beat up a black guy, they intervened again and they charged me with impersonating a police officer.

I want to make a school shooting joke, but that might seem offensive.

I think I should aim for a younger crowd.

Snoop Dogg seems to be investing in a company that will deliver weed to your house in 10 minutes...

Sadly, the name Instagram is taken.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him

Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, "Peter, come hither!" Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and want...

A guy says, "Obstetricians named Juan can't seem to learn the whole alphabet."

His friend replies, "Why??"

"I dunno. For some reason they always get stuck at B."

"That's ridiculous. O.B. Juan can know 'B'"

I'll show my self out.

A quarter acre of undeveloped land may not seem like much to some people,

But to me it's a lot.