They say not to covet

which isn't too difficult as a kleptomaniac.

Today I finally managed a feat coveted by many but achieved by few

I got the USB in by flipping it just twice.

Fred was in the fertilized egg business.

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roos...

An old preacher was dying.

He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, s...

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Not enough room in heaven

3 men suddenly appear at the same time at the pearly gates. God comes over to the trio and informs them that Heaven has room for just one more today. Whichever man has the worst story will get in.

The first man begins “So get this: I’ve been pretty sure my wife’s been cheating on me for a wh...

A guy lost his hat and decides to jsut steal one

He figures best place is church as there are plenty of people and hats are hanging from racks. But he decides to listen to sermon instead. After the sermon he approaches the minister and says "You know, I came here to steal a hat. But I heard you preach about 10 Commandments and I changed my mind." ...

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God decides to spread his word

so he goes around the nations. He gets to the americans and tries to give a commandment to an american he meets.
God: "Can I intrest you in a commandment?"
American: "What does it say?"
God: "Thou shalt not kill."
American: "In USA we kill to settle disputes. Murder, execution; that's ho...

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God is Offering Commandments

God came down and first he went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."

And the Germans asked, "what are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "Rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shalt not kill."

...

An American Indian chief took three wives...

To the first, he gave a buffalo hide. To the second, he gave a deer hide. But for the third, his favorite, he sent a brave far away, across land and water, to retrieve the rare and highly coveted hide of the hippopotamus.

Within a year, the first two squaws had each borne the Indian chief a s...

A man gets his favorite's sports team hat stolen...

Angry and in a fuss, he stomps around his living wondering who took it. He loves his team and he misses his hat.

So he hatches a plan.

"I know, ill go to church, during sermon ill sneak to coat check. For sure someone is gonna have the same hat and i'll just take it. Ya that'll show e...

Three nuns go to Heaven...

And when they are at the gates, Saint Peter says:

"I know you have sinned, I see it in your eyes. Before you walk through these gates you must atone for your sins. Sister Isabella, your eyes once coveted the flesh of a man. You must wash your eyes with Holy Water and you'll be free of sin an...

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Ten Commandments

God sends his angel to Earth to deliver his Commandments to the people. First the angel visited the Germans: "God has sent me to deliver his commandments", says the angel. "Give us an example", say the Germans "Thou shall not covet your neighbours land" "Begone!!!", say the Germans
Next the angel...

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A timeless, Irish classic.

About twenty years ago, the Irish government decided to set up a secret service, much like MI5 in the UK. The three best Gardai (Irish police officers) were selected to participate in a number of tests in order to determine who would receive the coveted title of 001.
The three Gardai, each repres...

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A young man wants to borrow his dad's car

A young man who had just turned 16 wanted to take his dad's coveted Camaro for his first drive as a licensed adult. He goes to his dad and asks "Dad can I take the Camaro for my first drive?" the Dad says, "Well son, I just have one question: Can you touch your butthole with your dick?" The son, sho...

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An Arab wandering through the Sahara

finds an old bronze lamp. When he uncorks it, out comes a genie dressed in black, with side curls a yarmulke.

"Oy, someone has *finally* freed me from that prison! I will grant you *1 wish*."

"You covetous Jew, you will give me *3* wishes!"

"It is 1 or I give you nothing, you v...

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