If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don't.

I had to really consider my boyfriend’s proposal before giving an answer.

On one hand, I’d get a really nice ring.

On the other hand, I wouldn’t.

A lot of people consider me to be the margarine of comedy.

I tell a joke and they can’t believe it’s not better.

US Postal Service was considering a new Trump postage stamp...

But in the early focus-group testing, most people were spitting on the wrong side causing the stamp not to stick to the envelopes.

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they
decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but
they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road....

Curtis Jackson, aka 50 cent, considering to run for office. His first campaign slogans released.

Change we can believe in! The change we need!

What is considered the tallest building in the world?

The library, because it has so many stories

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When the tyrant had a massive phallic watercraft commissioned to be made from potatoes he didn't really consider its seaworthiness.

His dick tater ship didnt last very long.

If sharing a drink using a same straw is considered an indirect kiss

Then jacking off using your hand right after shaking a girl's hand is an indirect handjob

Would you consider doing yoga as “working out?”

Yeah.

Hmmm that seems like a stretch to me.

I consider myself very lucky...There are like thousands of women out there waiting to screw me

...over.

The NFL is considering having their teams play to empty stadiums and no fans.

The Lions have been preparing for this their whole lives.

Archimedes wasn't just known for inventing his many inventions. He's also considered to have invented the first insult when talking to his brother who was a cheese maker after discovering a early form of lindburger cheese....

He simply stated, You reeka!

A man's wife accuses him of "testiculating"

"What the hell is *testiculating*?" the man asks.

Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!"

The man considers this for a moment."Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?"

"Yes," his wife answers. "Why?"...

Someone came to the door asking if I’ve considered selling elevators to my friends and family.

I’m so sick of Multi Level Marketing.

I can’t believe they’re considering an all mail election...

...females worked so hard to get voting rights

I have been considering overdosing on dopamine for a while now

At least that way, I know I would die a happy man

With the US’s failure to act, I’m considering moving

I was thinking that after quarantine, I’d try Italy. I hear they’re having a lot of openings in the housing market.

Yes, boss, I know I'm considered essential..

But so are those pyramid scheme oils, and they don't work, either.

COVID-19 jokes are really popular considering what's going on. Have some patience if they annoy you.

They should start to die in a week or so.

Your legs must be considered essential

Because you still can’t seem to close them

If you're feeling unattractive, consider buying a wig.

It's a look that anyone can pull off.

Are locksmiths considered key workers?

Asking for a friend.

Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the world?

Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.

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What is it that most women do in their daily lives but is considered a tragedy when Adolf Hitler did?

Remove Polish using chemicals.

Considering idiots aren't buying Corona beer because of the name of the virus.....

We should name the next outbreak the Toilet Paper Virus and watch people's heads explode

Do Buddhists consider YOLO offensive?

Asking for a friend

My dad's star sign was cancer which is ironic considering how he died

He was attacked by a giant crab

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

As the virus crisis rages on in Italy, many Italians are considering reverting back to monarchy.

It should be quite easy, seeing as they already have a coronation.

Pharaohs almost never farted until it hurt. It was considered a terrible fate

Many called it the curse of Toot-uncommon.

If you consider sounds to be last words

I'm going out with a bang!

Russian emergency !

Russian President Putin called President Trump with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.

"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within t...

I consider myself a musician

I can finger A minor

I considered a career in fortune telling.

But, I couldn't see a future in it.

Why India is considered a peaceful country?

Because most of them don’t like beef.

If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?

Or a beet down?

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I consider myself to be quite a pussy magnet

Now if I can just figure out how to change the polarity.

I consider myself cosmopolitan

That is, I’m full of vodka and cranberry juice.

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Hitler dies and is sent to hell.

He spends 30 earthly years there being tourtured and abused, going through worse than he even could imagine.

After this time, god calls him up for a talk, considering a pardon. He asks Hitler: "If I sent you back to earth today, what would you do?"

Hitler answers "I would load all the ...

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One day, a teacher assigns the class to find out the definition of “politics.”

One day, a teacher assigns the class to find out the definition of “politics.”

One little boy in the class goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she...

One night, a man and a woman meet at a bar

. After a drink or two, they start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors attending an out-of-town medical conference.
After about an hour, the man says to the
woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight-no strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun."
Considerin...

How to make a baby

There is not one dirty word in this, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and
decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should be...

I'm considering a career in organized crime.

Which is best : Government or Private Sector ?

I heard the Republican Party is considering renaming itself as the National Conservative party

Or Nat-C for short

A detective is investigating a crime scene in Mexico.

A cop fills him in on what happened.

“Apparently the killer is riddled with dementia and considers the train his lover, so he killed the train operator out of jealousy”

“Wow” says the detective, looking up at the train in question.

“That’s some locomotive”

I was considering losing weight for my new year's resolution.

But I decided not to think less of myself.

A cow crossing a street sees a glove in ground. All ashamed and blushing goes:

Oh my god. Who's bra is this

NOTE: It's a dad joke but I didn't know how to make a #DadJoke label. So consider yourself warned.

I'm considering becoming a mind reader

What are your thoughts?

My girlfriend once turned to me in bed

She asked me:Jake would you ever consider adoption

I answered:Only if you got pregnant

Father Rabbit teaches his Rabbit Son life lessons.

So Father Rabbit takes four female rabbits and lines them up in front of his son.

"Son", says Father Rabbit, "we are small and vulnerable animals, and everyone in the woods wants to eat us. That's why we have to do everything really fast to stay safe. Including reproduction. I brought these f...

A European tells a Arab man women are considered property in your country

The Arab man responds yes, but at least they are private property, your women are public goods

Everyone likes to laugh at other people's inability with numbers. However, 45% of people consider themselves bad at math, every twentieth member of the population hates decimals, 1 out of 5 people can't do mental arithmetic and 3/10 can't do fractions without a calculator.

Yet only one in a hundred find this funny.

Ex-Wife

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been think...

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Here's a NSFW: I asked my GF if she would consider masturbating with fruit.

She went fucking bananas.

Why is Chewbacca considered a pro?

Because he doesn't make wookie mistakes.

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Doctors were asked if we should reopen the country. Here's what the experts said:

Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconcepti...

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A man heard that masturbating before sex...



A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too...

Hundreds of years after their deaths, Galileo, Leonardo Da Vinci, and Marco Polo are walking in heaven and decide to have a conversation with Jesus...

Galileo says, “Jesus, I’ve been thinking about my past life on Earth, and I wanted to know what I am remembered for all these years later.”

Jesus pauses and replies, “Galileo, you are remembered as the Father of Modern Physics. By being one of the first to apply mathematics to motion, you le...

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I jokingly asked my wife if she would consider inviting the neighbours over for some sexy time together

And, she agreed forsome reasons.

A guy walks up to a woman at a bar.

A guy walks up to a woman at a bar. He flirts with her. He makes small talk, but the woman insists she isn't gonna go home with him. Guy says, ‘What if I offer you $1 million to sleep with me?’ The woman's never had a million dollars in her life. She stops and considers the offer very seriously. The...

Hey r/Jokes can you answer a question?

Is it considered crude to share oil jokes now?

So my wife left me for an indian guy...

Im sure she'll be treated well, they consider cows to be sacred.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.


But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9...

Why do Romans consider 190 to be the most attractive number?

Because it's CXC

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(NSFW) Milton Berle had a famously large penis. Another comedian (who also considered himself well-hung) kept pestering Berle to have a contest comparing their tools.

Berle said, "Fine, but I'm only going to take out enough to win."

You know, considering how dangerous autoerotic asphyxiation is...

Partakers never know whether they're coming or going!

Quick Guide To Flirting

dating coach: so, you've flirted before?

girl: sure, I have given 'the look'

coach: show me

girl: *bites lip seductively*

coach: have you considered biting the bottom lip?

Have you considered pouring your alcohol into smaller glasses?

You should try, it’s worth a shot.

So Gandhi wandered the desert barefoot and had hard, worn feet...

He was very thin from fasting often, his followers considered him prophetic, and because of his fasting and strange diet had chronic bad breath.

In short, you could say he was a

Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

I can’t stand Honors college kids. I asked this girl “hey, why aren’t koalas considered to be bears?”

And she said, “they’re marsupials.”

Shut up, nerd. The answer to the joke is they don’t have the koalafications.

Ole and Lena were married for 40 years

When they first got married Ole said, "I am putting a box under da bed. You must promise never ta look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Lena never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box w...

I never considered myself to be sentimental, but after I got my pacemaker...

I knew it would always have a place in my heart.

My girlfriend just did a #2 on my head

I used to have the guy down the street do it, but it wasn't considered a "critical service".

A man walks into a bar... The bartender smiles and says, "What can I get you today, bud?"

The man drunkenly says, "Pint of beer please."

Bartender pours the beer, hands it over and watches as the man gulps it down in one.

"That'll be £4 please, sir."

The man looks at him wide eyed, "I'm not paying for that, you asked me what you could get me so I took up your generou...

Why was the bathroom play set considered dangerous?

Because the toilet things on fire.

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Apple does it again!

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The "iTit" will cost from £499 to £699, depending on cup size.. This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.

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Three girls walk into a bar

Three girls walk into a bar looking for a job. They hand their resumes to the hiring manager. The manager says "As much as I would like to hire all of you, I only have room for one of you. Since your resumes are so similar when it comes to work experience, I will hire the girl that best responds ...

When you donate a kidney, people consider you a hero...

But when you donate four, you get arrested.

Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.

Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."

We all know that 6 was afraid of 7. But have you ever considered WHY 7 “8” 9?

It’s because you’re supposed to eat 3² meals a day.

How are women like swimming pools?

They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside them

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Zoo keeper says to Paddy. "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for £500? Paddy replies, I will on 3 conditions: 1st I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd my family must never know.

3rd i'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together.

I am seriously considering reversing my circumcision.

Anybody have any tips?

I need a raise.

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. ...

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I generally consider myself a modest and humble person.

It's what makes me so fucking awesome.

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If I masturbate with this marijuana infused lotion is it considered grassturbating?

Or maybe masturbaking?

Have you ever heard the tragedy of Darth Plagueis, the wise?

I thought not. It's not a story the Jedi would tell you. It's a Sith legend. Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Sith, so powerful and so wise he could use the Force to influence the midichlorians to create life. He had such a knowledge of the dark side that he could even keep the ones he cared ab...

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A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender is in shock, an actual horse just walked into his bar, sat down at the bar like a person, and ordered a beer in perfect English.

He tells the horse, "I'm sorry sir, I just have to go speak to my manager for a moment."

So the bartender goes to the back, and explains the s...

I consider myself somewhat of a chick magnet.

I just have trouble changing the polarity.

You'll never hear a Hindu tell a Yo Mamma joke...

They consider cows to be sacred.

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Linguists from France, Italy, and Germany were debating which language was the most beautiful.

The German representative was waving his hand frantically to be chosen to speak, when the French representative began to speak.

"French is certainly sublime. Consider the word Papillon. How could the word for butterfly be more beautiful than the butterfly itself”

The German is dying ...

A military commander calls his soldiers and says: "the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"

One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander.

"Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".

...

Considering that the hashtag is also called the pound key

#MeToo is just asking for it

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These masks, man. I was standing in line to get in the grocery store, when I saw my friend, Steve was ahead of me in line.

I say, “hey man, long time! How’s it going?”

He says, “oh, hey! Pretty good actually, considering my wife left me.”

“oh yeah, that was a bummer, cheating on you with your brother like that!”

He’s shocked, “what? It was my brother?”

“wait wait, are you Steve?”

“No,...

I’d like to consider myself a good catch for anyone!

Because I weigh 220lbs.

Considering what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their money,

Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself.

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The Canadian Government is considering forcing all large businesses to provide their employees with tampons and pads free of charge.

Businesses say the costs will be tough to absorb....

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So a drug dealer is being raided..

The police storm in, securing all the rooms in the house. One kicks open the bathroom door and catches a guy standing next to the toilet with a baggie full of cocaine.

"Freeze, asshole!" The cop shouts, aiming his gun at the guy.

"Ok, ok. You got me" the guy says, "but you need to li...

A man walks out of a bar

Which is weird, considering it's a solid object.

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A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

A man walks into a bar

While he is talking , phone starts ringing & he picks it up






Lady:- hi ,I came to the mall to do some shopping with my friends, can I use your credit card to buy some things ?






Guy:- yea, buy whatever you want





Lady :- tha...

Someone donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donate 5, and instantly the police has to get involved

I remember when cosmetic surgery was considered taboo.

Now you mention Botox and no one raises an eyebrow!

The Catholic Church banned plastic bags from its premises.

They consider them to be sac-religious.

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The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix .

He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop, the people of Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads..

It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidew alks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the May...

If the number 666 is considered evil

..is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?

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A Couple Owns the Only Florist Shop in a Small Town

Being a small town, they obviously have 100% of the business. One day, a group of friars opens up a competing shop on the other side of town. The couple aren't too worried though, as they make a comfortable living as is.

A month goes by though and the friars prices are so competitive that the...

The Pope died and they needed a successor.

They considered Cardinal Sicola, but he was not chosen because they didn’t want a Pope Sicola.

All those people saying anti-vaxxers should be researching child sized coffins aren't considering both sides

they can also use urns

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