UPJOKE
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What’s considered trashy if you’re poor but class if you’re rich?

Florida

During an interview the potential employer asked the young man “What you consider to be your greatest weakness"?

The job applicant replied “Honesty.”
The interviewer commented "Honesty? I don’t think honesty is a weakness.”
The young man replied “I don’t care what you think!”

Why aren’t koalas considered bears?

They don’t have the right koala-fications

My father said I would be able to consider myself successful when my bank account balance resembled a phone number

Hey. 911 is a phone number.

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A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

Why is "why did the chicken cross the road?" considered the very first dad joke?

It was originally "why did the egg cross the road?" but it didn't have legs.

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For extra cash consider robbing sex offenders.

Their address is easy to find, and they can't own guns.

Only downside is politicians usually have good security.

To the young people on Reddit who are thinking about getting married, here’s something to consider.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, …you don’t.

People often rank a person's attractiveness out of ten, but what is considered a ten in some states would be considered differently elsewhere.

For example an NY10 is typically tall and athletic but a DC10 is very plane.

I’m considering taking a position translating old Mongolian poetry.

The jobs has its prose and Khans.

Happy cake day to me!

Please don't post any more school shooting jokes, consider them rule 10 - overly offensive.

Let's give each other time to heal and get back to the reposts we all know and love (just kidding) - but enough is enough of these.

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Intestinal worm-- long. Very long.

Man has horrible abdominal pain and weight loss. The wife finally convinces him to see a doctor.
He's diagnosed with an intestinal worm and is given treatments but it doesn't work. He sees several more doctors who all diagnose the same thing, an intestinal worm, but none of the treatments are w...

Have you ever considered a career in shipbuilding?

I heard it's riveting.

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Drunk guy climbs into bed with his wife..

A drunk guy climbs into bed with his wife. He's so drunk he instantly passes out. A while after passing out he is awoken by a bright light emanating from the end of the bed. He struggles to get himself into a sitting position and after doing so sees that there is a figure in or behind the light.
...

A couple was going to get married…

but unfortunately they had a car crash and died. Before the gates of St Peter they stood thinking maybe they could get married in heaven. So they ask St Peter, and Peter says ”Well it’s quite rare, but let me see what I can do.” So St Peter goes into heaven. As the couple sits for a couple of months...

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Do you consider yourself a smart man?

In Ancient Greece, they believed that large penises were symbols of barbarism and idiocy, and small penises were symbols of intelligence and prowess.

See, my wife thinks I’m a massive idiot, but I’m sure you’re a very smart man

What is considered the polite way to end an orgy?

Thank everyone for coming!

Why do the British consider the Americans as the most informal people on earth?

Because when the Americans hosted a tea party, it all went into harbor.

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You know what pirates consider their best orgasms?

When they come as they Arrr.

A priest goes to the barber for a haircut.

When it’s done, he asks the barber how much he owes.

“All free, friend. I consider it a service to God”.

The next morning when the barber goes to work, he sees a bunch of flowers and a Bible in the doorstep. The flowers come with a thank you card from the priest.

Presently, a po...

why is it considered gross to drink a beverage made of steeped soil?

Because that's just dirt tea

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Did you know it’s considered incest if you fuck time?

That’s cause time is relative

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Nuclear power is like anal sex

If done cleanly and properly, it might be even better than conventional methods. But add a few messy mistakes and it's considered taboo.

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… I rang the door bell, didn’t I?

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that
read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),

MUST NOT BEAT ME,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,

AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICA...

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ME: one time I farted so long & loud I thought my ass would stop and take a breath...

INTERVIEWER: ...and what would you consider a weakness about yourself?

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A woman was driving her buggy to town when a patrol officer stopped her.

“I'm not going to book you,” he said "but I just wanted to warn you that your rear reflector is broken and it could be dangerous.”

“I thank thee,” replied the lady. “I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home.”

“And also,” said the officer, “I noticed one of the reins i...

Before starting World War 3

The Russians should consider finishing World War 1 and upgrading their weapons

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Starbucks and the Pope

Starbucks manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Starbucks official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Starbucks is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day...

Did you hear? Copies of The Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, and The Silmarillion are considered one-of-a-kind when sold and traded.

They're Non-Fungible Tolkiens.

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Three words

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous sexy young woman entered.

She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly towards him.

Before he ...

A man proposes to a beautiful young girl and attempts to entice her by telling her that his father is 100 years old and possesses a fortune of several million pounds. The girl asks for two weeks to consider the proposal ...

Two weeks pass and the man calls the girl for her decision 'I can't sorry' she tells him 'I'm your stepmother'

PSA: the term “Hipsters” is politically incorrect and is considered an offensive slur in many circles

Please use the medically-recommended term “conjoined twins” instead.

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Jack & Jill

Jack and Jill have grown up. They've graduated from uni, gotten married and got a job at the same firm.
One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The prob...

Wikipedia suggests the third oldest joke in the world has a missing punchline. I’d like to suggest that Reddit’s most upvoted punchline is the true punchline

From the history segment on the Wikipedia article for joke.

The tale of the three ox drivers from Adab completes the three known oldest jokes in the world. This is a comic triple dating back to 1200 BC Adab. It concerns three men seeking justice from a king on the matter of ownership over a ...

Is "I don't remember" considered a legitimate legal response?

Because it sure as heck doesn't work with my wife.

If a co worker is sick, is it considered a staff infection?

I really just came up with this joke all by myself, this is a big moment for me.

An Irish Priest

An Irish Priest is Transferred to Iola, Texas.

He rose from his bed one morning; It was a fine spring day in his new West Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in ...

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I consider myself to be buysexual...

Because the only chance I have of getting some is if I'm paying for it.

My son is studying to become a lawyer, so I texted him, "If you tickle a man to death by accident, is it considered..."

"...manslaughter?!"

Physical

An 80 year old man was having his annual check up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. “

“I've never been better!” he boasted. “I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered this for a mome...

My conservative brother is considering buying free weights…

To own the lbs.

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Bank manager

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always r...

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Zookeeper says to Paddy, "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with. Would you consider snagging it for £500?"

Paddy replies, "I will on 3 conditions."

"1st, I'm not going to kiss it."

"2nd, My family must never know."

"3rd, I'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together. "

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A Danish man entered the international cow milking competition

The man was considered a legend in Denmark and it was said that he could get any cow to produce 20 litres of milk at a time. The people of his country, including his wife and children, were sure that the Danish man would win the competition.

The American first went up on stage — the crowd ch...

I've had a hard time figuring out why I don't consider cottage cheese truly "cheese"

But it's just a curd to me

Making babies

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-t...

I'm considering a job installing mirrors, the pay isn't great

But it's a job I can see myself doing

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The wife said she's considering anal tonight....

That's a big thumbs up from me .

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Another golf joke

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it, a man in the yard says,

\- "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"

The golfer says,

\- "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it... please...

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
...

A 79-year-old man is in court on the charge of flashing

He's is convicted, and as he is getting his punishment, the judge has some words for him.

Judge: I'm surprised and frankly disgusted at you for doing this, however, I feel sad that a man of your age is still behaving so immaturely. I hope this fine makes you consider your actions and that y...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a 5 gallon jug filled with $20 bills...

He sits at the bar and asks the bartender about it. The bartender replies,

"It's the $20 challenge. You put a $20 into the jar, complete a set of three challenges, and if you win you take home the entire jar!"

The man looked at it and asked what the challenges were, because that much m...

An Old Lady buying Boots for a Texan

An old lady went into a bar in Dallas, Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped upon a table. He had on the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The old woman asked the man if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.

The man grinned and said, *“Sure is, little lady. W...

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An angel appeared before a conference of philosophers.

Everyone was shocked, especially considering many of them were atheists. At once, a debate raged about what to ask this supernatural entity.

Seeing the commotion, in a booming voice, the angel said, "I will return in one hour, at which time I will answer any one question with 100% certainty....

Given how my heart has several defects since birth, I'm considering a heart transplant.

But then again, I might have a change in heart with that decision.

I don't consider my self a necrophilia,

... but more of a paleontologist.

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Democrats are sexier than Republicans

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Is it true that Democrats are generally considered to be more attractive than Republicans?" he asks the bartender. "Well, have you every heard of a hot piece of elephant?" the bartender responds.

My liberal friend asked me how I consider owning guns as a God given right when noone in the Bible had one ...

I said She was wrong. Paul had epistle ...

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Brian's Eggs

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell fast asleep.

When Brian awoke a few hours later he found a strange man was standing at the end of his bed w...

Did you know that when someone gets run over by a Tesla it isn't considered Vehicular Manslaughter?

They call it electric car battery!

I got fired from my job this week, which is ridiculous considering I was putting in 80+ hours of hard work..

...every single year.

While shopping for vacation clothes, my wife and I passed a display of bathing suits...

It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since she had even considered buying a bathing suit, so she sought my my advice and asked me what I thought. She asked if she should get an all in one or a bikini.

'Better get a bikini,' I replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

I am considering living in a bubble…

I am considering living in a bubble..

That way I can honestly say, “I’m in shape.”

My son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered this for a moment and replied: “When Abe Lincoln was your age he was The President of the United States.”

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I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary

I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has...

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Apparently my great-grandpa was a controversial figure when he served in WWII

Which is weird, I thought he’d be praised more considering my family tells me he killed Hitler

I was considering telling a vaccine joke to a right wing coworker of mine

but didn't because he probably wouldn't get it anyways.

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One day in the Garden of Eden God notices that Adam looks down in the dumps

"What's up Adam?" says God.
"Not to be ungrateful God, it's great here and everything but I'm lonely all on my own," replies Adam.
God thinks for a moment and says, "I know what, for a small price I'll create a woman for you and then you won't be lonely any more."
"A woman," says Adam...

Completed in 1856, Big Ben was designed by architects Charles Barry and Augustus Welby Pugin and took 13 years to build.

Which is crazy long considering they were working around the clock.

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I consider myself to be quite a pussy magnet

Now if I can just figure out how to change the polarity.

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Walking in on my son

Last night I entered my son's bedroom without knocking and I caught him watching something no parent wants his young kid to watch.

The Kardashians.

I did my best to hide my disgust and considered it a great opportunity to have a one on one with him. I sat down next to him, closed his...

A recent poll found that just over 40% of Americans consider themselves political pundits.

This is interesting, because the same poll found that just under 15% of Americans know what the word pundit means.

Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.

Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."

What tastes funny and is considered a cannibal's version of sardines?

A full clown car.

A man was found dead in vat of ground chickpeas.

Police are considering it a hummus-cide.

The United States should really consider going to the doctor.

They've had an election for more than 4 hours.

A pregnant woman enters the delivery room with her husband

The doctor tells them that a new scientific breakthrough has been achieved : A way to transfer pain felt from one person to another. "This way, you can share the pain between the two of you, if you wish." The husband and wife agree.

"Great", says the doctor. "Considering men don't come close ...

If the number 666 is considered evil

..is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?

After considering it for weeks, I finally decided to turn myself into the police.

It really wasn't worth it. Scaring people and stealing their drugs was fun, but getting busted for impersonation sucked.

The Truth About My Jokes

It has recently been brought to my attention that many of the jokes I tell my friends, family and peers can be classified as 'Dad jokes.' Moreover, it turns out that most of the people I share these with don't actually enjoy them, they've just given up on me stopping at this point.


Two ...

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Would masturbating while smoking weed be considered

masturblazing, weedwhacking, or highjacking?

Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the world?

Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.

A survey revealed that People who speak more than one language are considered more attractive.

Unless that language is Klingon

Matthew McConaughey considering a run for Texas Governor.

He's planning to run on an alt-right, alt-right, alt-right platform.

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Jim, tired of bustling city life, moves to a remote town in Alaska.

He loves the natural environment, exploring and fishing, and the quiet tranquility of his new home.

However, one thing he notices, to his dismay, is that there are no women in his new town.

He goes to the local bar and orders a drink. He asks the bartender about the conspicuous lack ...

Bells

A homeless man with no arms walked into the small quaint village. He stopped at the local church because he heard they had a job available.

The priest told him they were looking for a person to ring the bells, but from the homeless man’s lack of arms he would not be considered.

T...

I was considering becoming a monk.

But I never got the chants.

I once considered going vegetarian

But then I realized it would be a huge missed steak

I just retired.

But I've been watching so much TV I consider myself a Remote Worker

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart. But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth. 6 respected 9, even though ...

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Three people reach the Pearly Gate at the same time, where they are told a very simple rule right at the beginning: DO NOT STEP ON DOGS! As a punishment, ugliness or stupidity awaits you.

"That should be easy", the three think to themselves, but when they pass the gate, they see that dogs are lying around everywhere.

The first one sees a heavenly hammock in the distance and carefully tries to reach it. But after only a few steps he steps on a small dog. He reaches the hammock ...

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So my family is considering matching tattoos.

My eldest sister recommends flowers.
My middle sister recommends fruits.
My youngest sister recommends Pokemon.

Me? I suggest we get dinosaurs so I can show my ass cheek and get a tattoo of a Mega-Sore-Ass.

OJ Simpson was being interviewed the other day. The reporter asked if he'd considered getting married again.

OJ said he had thought about taking another stab at it.

A Muslim, a Hindu and a lawyer are travelling through the desert…

They’ve tried to make good time in their travels, but find that night will fall before they can make it to the next town. Luckily they find a farm nearby, and they ask the farmer if they can stay for the night. When he agrees, not wanting to impose too much, they set their sleeping rolls in his barn...

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good...

A semi truck full of Ramen noodle caught fire today and the whole shipment was considered ruined

The total loss came out to be $73

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Do you know why Saturday and Sunday are considered strong days?

Because the rest are weak days

A lot of people consider me to be the margarine of comedy.

I tell a joke and they can’t believe it’s not better.

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they
decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but
they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road....

Not to brag, but I consider myself as a mix between Rambo and Einstein...

...I have Rambo's intelligence and Einstein's muscles.

My dad's star sign was cancer which is ironic considering how he died

He was attacked by a giant crab

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