If the number 666 is considered evil

25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

What is considered the polite way to end an orgy?

Thank everyone for coming!

If a co worker is sick, is it considered a staff infection?

I really just came up with this joke all by myself, this is a big moment for me.

I am considering living in a bubble…

I am considering living in a bubble..

That way I can honestly say, “I’m in shape.”

What tastes funny and is considered a cannibal's version of sardines?

A full clown car.

I got fired from my job this week, which is ridiculous considering I was putting in 80+ hours of hard work..

...every single year.

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Zoo keeper says to Paddy. "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for £500? Paddy replies.

I will on 3 conditions: 1st, I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd, my family must never know.

3rd i'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together.

To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing"

Have you ever considered being more interesting?

I've had a hard time figuring out why I don't consider cottage cheese truly "cheese"

But it just a curd to me

Did you know that when someone gets run over by a Tesla it isn't considered Vehicular Manslaughter?

They call it electric car battery!

I was considering telling a vaccine joke to a right wing coworker of mine

but didn't because he probably wouldn't get it anyways.

I'm considering a job installing mirrors, the pay isn't great

But it's a job I can see myself doing

After considering it for weeks, I finally decided to turn myself into the police.

It really wasn't worth it. Scaring people and stealing their drugs was fun, but getting busted for impersonation sucked.

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A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

If any of you on this sub are thinking of getting married soon, consider this carefully before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a really cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

I don't consider my self a necrophilia,

... but more of a paleontologist.

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.

The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he ask...

In the French Navy, it's considered unlucky to have the number 5 in a ship's name...

Because all of the ships with that number in their name... cinq

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A detachment of US Marines are conducting jungle warfare training in the Congo, and one night around the campfire, the Congolese troops they're training with tell the Marines the tale of a cave in the middle of the jungle, filled with golden treasure but guarded by a fearsome monster.

According to the local soldiers, the cave is filled with the treasures of an ancient African king, but a sorcerer used his arcane powers to create an unholy creature to guard it. She was formed from a mix of human, gorilla, chimpanzee, and baboon, and stands seven feet tall, enormously strong. She h...

What’s considered trashy if you're poor, but classy if you're rich?

Manipulating the stock market

Why aren't koalas considered bears?

Cause they don't have the right koalaifications

Alabama has reported more deaths than births for the first time in it's history

Makes sense considering family get togethers have been restricted

A New Yorker Asks for a Cab Ride to Chicago

A man gets in a cab at 33rd St. and Park Ave. and says, "I need to get to the Palmer House."

The cabbie says, "The Palmer House Hotel?"

The man says, "Yeah."

The cabbie says, "That's on Wabash in Chicago."

The man says, "Yeah."

The cabbie says, "I'm not gonna drive...

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

Door to door baby photographer

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

I was considering becoming a monk.

But I never got the chants.

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So my family is considering matching tattoos.

My eldest sister recommends flowers.
My middle sister recommends fruits.
My youngest sister recommends Pokemon.

Me? I suggest we get dinosaurs so I can show my ass cheek and get a tattoo of a Mega-Sore-Ass.

Steve sees an ad for hiring a music producer.

The ad reads: "MUSIC PRODUCER WANTED! Must be able to play piano, type 40 words a minute, and be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer!" So he decides to go apply for the job.

The hiring manager is pleased with his resume but says, "Well your resume looks good, but I have to admit S...

Matthew McConaughey considering a run for Texas Governor.

He's planning to run on an alt-right, alt-right, alt-right platform.

A semi truck full of Ramen noodle caught fire today and the whole shipment was considered ruined

The total loss came out to be $73

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Would masturbating while smoking weed be considered

masturblazing, weedwhacking, or highjacking?

Did you know that chicken strips are a new form of currency in some areas?

They’re considered legal “tender”

My wife and I got married on the same day as the Kentucky Derby. I remember it because I was considering betting my life’s savings on this one Filly.

...

I also considered putting money on the derby.

So, last semester I met this guy in my business class

He was cool & an international student. His name was Ving and was from China. His English was really good for a second language, better than I could ever be learning a second language. We’d often hang out and I show him the sites and tourist destinations in my city. He's much cooler as well as b...

A recent poll found that just over 40% of Americans consider themselves political pundits.

This is interesting, because the same poll found that just under 15% of Americans know what the word pundit means.

I once considered going vegetarian

But then I realized it would be a huge missed steak

The United States should really consider going to the doctor.

They've had an election for more than 4 hours.

Vegans...

If two vegans are arguing, is it still considered 'beef"

Jeffrey and Hillary were both patients at a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jeffrey suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Hillary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jeffrey out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Hillary's ...

A survey revealed that People who speak more than one language are considered more attractive.

Unless that language is Klingon

An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup

The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.

"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a sea...

OJ Simpson was being interviewed the other day. The reporter asked if he'd considered getting married again.

OJ said he had thought about taking another stab at it.

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A man's orgasm last's only 6-10 seconds, but a boar's orgasm last 40 minutes

Considering the fact that not a single boar in history has paid a mortgage and has been divorced, do you still think that evolution is good for us

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Women who study abroad are considered "cultured" and "internationally minded"

I study a broad and suddenly I'm a "sex offender".

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An auld fella from the west coast of Scotland is staying at a bed and breakfast in Cornwall.

On the first morning of his stay, the proprietor serves him a full English breakfast (sausages, bacon, black pudding, beans, mushrooms, tomatoes, fried slice and two pieces of bread and butter).

Later, as he’s about to go out, the proprietor asks him was the breakfast all to his liking.
...

In first, US added to annual list of ‘backsliding’ democracies

Apparently US is considered a democracy now

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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism.

Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government.

We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people....

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Considering it's history, West Virginia is mis-named

they should've called it "Left Virginia".

science explained

This is a joke translated from german
Original is from Vince Ebert, a german comedian

What is Science? Simple said Science is about making a prediction and then try to proof it,
Example:
If i theorise "There is Beer in the fridge!" and then proceed and go looking into the fridge fo...

A Service

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of...

People with fogged up glasses from wearing a mask: have you considered using a monocle?

It only fogs up half as much.

An 86 year old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check up

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor examined him and told him that aside from a low sperm count, he was perfectly healthy. The old man scoffed and said, "Nonsense, I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do y...

Expensive Gym Membership

My gym membership costs $120 a year.

That’s pretty steep considering it’s $60 a visit

4 former US Presidents are caught in a tornado

Four former U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ.

After trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter...

Putting a letter in the mail has been considered a dangerous activity

It’s been raising some red flags

What does Gen Z have in common with the Greatest Generation?

They consider it a great achievement if they survive childhood without getting shot.

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Do you know why Saturday and Sunday are considered strong days?

Because the rest are weak days

A young blind man is staring vacantly at the dairy aisle at the grocers.

A staff member comes up and asks if she can help him.

“Yes, ma’am. Can you tell me what milk is?” She seems perplexed but answers “well, milk is a white drink.”

“Ahh, now I know what a drink is… but what is white?” The woman is further unsure of the whole situation but thinks and says ...

Why are bassists considered cowardly?

Because they disappear at the first sign of treble.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet.

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.


The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'


The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I finally get why Trump considers himself a stable genius.

Because he’s the best at shoveling horse shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack and Jill have grown up.

They've graduated from college, and got a job at the same company. One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The problem is he hired them at the same time, a...

An Emperor wanted to prove that he was greater than Alexander the Great

So he visited an elderly Council of Historians who had the power to write an Emperor's legacy after his time and spread his fame far and wide.

He asked them, "O Great Historians, what made Alexander a Great King? I wish to be greater than him and the greatest in human history"

And he ...

Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the world?

Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.

Russia is considering banning the internet for most people, replacing it with a limited Russian propaganda version...

It will be called the InterNYET.

I had to really consider my boyfriend’s proposal before giving an answer.

On one hand, I’d get a really nice ring.

On the other hand, I wouldn’t.

I was browsing through Netflix with my cooking teacher.

She said, "I don't know what we should watch."

I said, "Would you consider Squid Game?"

She said, "No, because it isn't wild meat."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I consider myself to be quite a pussy magnet

Now if I can just figure out how to change the polarity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and meets God before going to heaven

God asks the man if he’s ever been unfaithful to his wife, to which the man replies that he has cheated several times. God then tells the man that in the afterlife the man will only be given an old, crappy car to drive.

Another man dies that day and meets God. God asks the man the same quest...

A Man Works as a Train Conductor

He isn’t the best at his job. He likes to go very fast, and is very reckless. One day, he goes too fast off a bend, and kills one person.

He is sentenced to death by the electric chair, and is offered a last meal. He requests one banana.

He is sat down in the chair. The executioner fli...

Why are all ghosts considered alcoholics?

Because they bring Boos everywhere they go!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Through a poorly-worded genie wish, a man now has a 20-inch-long penis.

While the bragging rights were good for a few days, the man soon realizes that his dick is uncomfortable and unusable, and he must find a solution. He begins asking the local enchanters and witches if they have any suggestions, and finally gets a lead that the enchanted forest over yonder is home to...

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A man decides to go golfing one Sunday. He's in the clubhouse paying for 18 holes when a gorgeous blonde woman approaches him. "Hey, I noticed you're golfing alone," she said...

"I'm golfing alone too. Can I join you?"

The man enthusiastically agrees and they head to the course.

She's good. *Really* good, and beats the man's score by many strokes. The man is feeling self conscious for losing so soundly to a woman. The woman notices his change in mood and says,...

I was considering telling you my time travel joke.

but you didn’t like it.

I asked my dad to put fixtures on a cabinet.

Consider it handled.

Get a job

A young man in a small town graduates from high school. His father comes to him that evening and tells him “Son, you’re a man now. You need to start contributing to this household. Go get a job.”

The young man is rightfully concerned. Work prospects in his town are slim. The only jobs availab...

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After dying Hitler arrives at the gates of heaven

God asks him his name and on hearing "Hitler" instantly remarks that he should be sent to Hell. Hitler pleads to God to atleast consider some merit for him in heaven. To this God rumbles " You persecuted millions of Jews, led a second world war to happen and caused the German people to suffer a lot....

After years of dating. John and Gail decided to go ahead and get married.

One evening, after their honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage, just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke................. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you...

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Redneck book of manners.....

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.


2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.


3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.


4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.


5. Even if you're ...

A lot of people consider me to be the margarine of comedy.

I tell a joke and they can’t believe it’s not better.

Material Guy

A guy crashes his new sports car and when the police arrive, he is crying “Oh my god, my gorgeous Ferrari!”

The police officer tells him that material possessions are the least of his troubles, considering his left arm was severed as well.

The guy looks down where his arm used to be ...

US Postal Service was considering a new Trump postage stamp...

But in the early focus-group testing, most people were spitting on the wrong side causing the stamp not to stick to the envelopes.

Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.

Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they
decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but
they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road....

Is it still considered Fisting if they have no fingers?

Really had me stumped the other day.

A man who had worked for British Rail in a small village for many years decided it was time to move up in the world... [long]

Walter had been a track-switcher on the railway line that ran past his tiny English village for most of his life. All day long he sat in his little hut and switched the points as trains approached.

One day he got it into his head that it was time to move up in the world, so he wrote to Britis...

Why is every ship, boat or raft being considered a she and why are they named female names?

Because it takes a lot of effort to make them look good.

My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.

We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong.

A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were only funny t...

Why are communists considered left?

Because they can't do anything right

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Three men find a lamp...

Three middle aged men are walking along an abandoned beach when they find a golden lamp glistening in the sun. Deciding they have nothing to lose, they decide to rub it and see what happens. In astonishment, they see a genie appear before them.

"Thank you for freeing me from my lamp. To thank...

A headline from the Dallas Morning News

Dallas Morning News - A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with chil...

So I was rewatching old seasons of spongebob and found this joke

Spongebob: *changes his shape to look like Texas*

Also Spongebob: “hey Patrick what do I look like”

Patrick: “stupid”

Spongebob: “no I’m Texas”

Patrick: “what’s the difference”

*both laugh*
(I thought this might be relevant considering the mess in Texas right no...

I always considered fishing to be boring.

But then I got hooked.

My dad's star sign was cancer which is ironic considering how he died

He was attacked by a giant crab

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

iBoob

Apple announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When the tyrant had a massive phallic watercraft commissioned to be made from potatoes he didn't really consider its seaworthiness.

His dick tater ship didnt last very long.

i love koalas

Why are Koala bears not considered bears?


They don’t meet the koalalifications.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday...

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.


The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.


Doughboy is ...

I'm considering taking a position to translate old Mongolian poetry

The job has its Prose and Kahns

What is considered the tallest building in the world?

The library, because it has so many stories

Why are Pokemon considered manly in Peru?

It all dates back to the time of Macho-Pikachu

Apparently, due to COVID Germany is running low on sausage and cheese.

The government considers this to be the Wurst Käse scenario

Condoms cannot be considered safe

A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a car.

My parents told me that they don't have a favourite child.

It was tough, considering I am the only child.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sees his doctor about terrible headaches he has had for most of his adult life.

The doctor isn’t sure what is going on, so arranges a scan. The scan comes back as normal, so the doctor refers the man to a neurologist who is also unable to find a cause though does offer some advice.

“I did meet one man who had similar headaches, the only thing that helped was having his t...

The NFL is considering having their teams play to empty stadiums and no fans.

The Lions have been preparing for this their whole lives.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Busted axle

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroo...

My girlfriend just accused me of being too childish, walked out, and slammed the door. It was pretty brave of her...

...considering the floor was lava.

Have scientists considered Queen Elizabeth's

Blood for covid-19 vaccine...??

If you're feeling unattractive, consider buying a wig.

It's a look that anyone can pull off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

I never plan anything I do in my life.

I don't want any of my crimes to be considered "premeditated ".

The government is considering implementing a plan to freeze inmates on a large scale

They’re weighing up the Frozen Cons

I consider myself a musician

I can finger A minor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer was out by his barn, repairing a fence.

A young hen came near him, pecking at the ground. He was surprised when he thought he heard a “psst”. The farm looked around and saw no one, so he continued his work.

Then he heard it, clear as day. “Hey. Down here.”

The farmer looked down and saw the hen looking at him.

“Did y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here's a NSFW: I asked my GF if she would consider masturbating with fruit.

She went fucking bananas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

USPS considers Trump stamp.

During the summer of 2018, USPS was considering issuing a stamp with Trump’s likeness on. The thinking was that his avid 39% supporters would buy more of the stamps than needed. The idea was scrapped when members of focus groups who did not support Trump were confused about which side they should s...

Would you consider doing yoga as “working out?”

Yeah.

Hmmm that seems like a stretch to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is as good a day as any to post this old one...

An older catholic priest is sweeping up between the pews after mass when a very attractive scantily clad young woman rushes into the church. She is visibly upset as she runs up to the priest, holding her face in her hands and sobbing.

Although the priest noticed her ample physique and skim...

I consider myself very lucky...There are like thousands of women out there waiting to screw me

...over.

So me and my friend got a summer job...

My friend and I got a summer job at a construction company. On our first day we were told to go to a nearby apartment building that was still under construction, to place some windows on the 28th floor. About an hour in, our colleague trips and suddenly falls out of the window. Dead as a doornail, t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Assuming that God is male is so sexist

... especially considering that no matter how many times you repent for your sins God is still giving you a silent treatment.

There are rumors that Tesla is considering on a stretched, three row version of their Model X SUV. The project is on Musk's desk waiting for a decision on whether to go forward.

Their next car is Elon gated.

This guy marched up to me and asked, "Excuse me, but have you considered becoming an organ donor?"

I looked him straight in the eye and said, "Father, I think this church should be able to afford its own!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew, a Muslim, and a Jehovah's Witness were driving through the countryside when their car broke down.

The only house in the vicinity was an old farmhouse, so they decided to stay there for the night.

"I'm so sorry," said the farmer. "The bed in the guest room only has room for two people." So he volunteered the Jew to sleep in the barn.

Five minutes later, the farmer heard a knock on t...

Not to brag, but I consider myself as a mix between Rambo and Einstein...

...I have Rambo's intelligence and Einstein's muscles.

The warden only allowed boys who did a good deed that day to eat supper in the hostel dining room.



During their induction she taught them what were considered good deeds - running an errand for someone, helping an old lady cross the road, teaching other students things they don't understand and the like are examples of good deeds and should be rewarded, she explained.

The young bo...

In April 2021, India was struggling with the coronavirus.

Prime Minister Modi was really concerned, and so he decided that it would be a great idea if he appointed a "Minister of Virus Control." He was considering many of the country's top doctors to fill the position, and eventually, he said that he would tell the public who he appointed on April 25th....

2 masochists went to a BDSM convention

The convention was doing a special showcase of some dominatrixes who were considered the best at their job, they were all on separate booths where they would give out free samples and show off their techniques.

On the first day the more experienced masochist wanted to go to the woman with th...

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