The 112+ Best Consider Jokes

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For extra cash consider robbing sex offenders.

Their address is easy to find, and they can't own guns.

Only downside is politicians usually have good security.

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

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A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

My wife was upset that the dog was considered man's best friend. She maintains that a spouse should be considered my best friend.

So I locked them both in the trunk of my car and drove around for twenty minutes. Guess which one was happiest to see me when I let them out?

What’s considered trashy if you’re poor but class if you’re rich?

Florida

What is considered the polite way to end an orgy?

Thank everyone for coming!

If the number 666 is considered evil

..is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?

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Do you know why Ms. Pac-man is considered the greatest prostitute of all time?

Because for 25 cents she'll eat balls until she dies!

Companies that consider themselves modern often have a “diversity officer”. Why is that role always done by a woman?

Because it is cheaper.

Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.

Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."

Please don't post any more school shooting jokes, consider them rule 10 - overly offensive.

Let's give each other time to heal and get back to the reposts we all know and love (just kidding) - but enough is enough of these.

During an interview the potential employer asked the young man “What you consider to be your greatest weakness"?

The job applicant replied “Honesty.”
The interviewer commented "Honesty? I don’t think honesty is a weakness.”
The young man replied “I don’t care what you think!”

I've had a hard time figuring out why I don't consider cottage cheese truly "cheese"

But it's just a curd to me

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I consider myself to be quite a pussy magnet

Now if I can just figure out how to change the polarity.

Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the world?

Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.

Would i ever consider taking protein supplements?

No whey

Apparently the Republican party are considering banning coffee...

Part of their war on woke.

I'm considering a job installing mirrors, the pay isn't great

But it's a job I can see myself doing

People often rank a person's attractiveness out of ten, but what is considered a ten in some states would be considered differently elsewhere.

For example an NY10 is typically tall and athletic but a DC10 is very plane.

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It was Jim's birthday, and he was considered to be an "old man" by his friends standards. So, to liven him up a bit, Jim's friends decided to give him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker.

The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door.
When Jim answered, she said "Hi I'm your birthday present!"
Startled, he asked "What am I supposed to do with you?"
"I'm yours for super sex," she answers.
So Jim replied "Well, I'm 75 years old so I...

Elon Musk is considering removing blocking from Twitter

Which means your only options for defense will now be dodge and counter.

My father said I would be able to consider myself successful when my bank account balance resembled a phone number

Hey. 911 is a phone number.

Back in the day, excessive use of commas was considered a very serious crime.

It usually resulted in a long sentence.

Any PDA at Olive Garden is considered incest

Because when you’re here, you’re family

The Missouri state legislature is considering a ban on female legislators' clothing that leaves their arms exposed

I never thought I'd see a Republican state trying to overturn the right to bare arms

(Yes, this is actually happening)

Why aren’t koalas considered bears?

They don’t have the right koala-fications

If a co worker is sick, is it considered a staff infection?

I really just came up with this joke all by myself, this is a big moment for me.

You know why chickens are considered filthy animals?

Because they eat with their peckers.

I honestly hate how a person who donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donated 4 and I’m somehow a criminal

Apparently, even saying "black paint" is considered racist...

You're supposed to say, "Leeroy, would you please paint the fence."

I just found out it’s considered rude in Vietnam to eat noodles with a fork, since it’s how American GIs ate their food.

It’s a pho pas.

In Schrodinger's time, was it considered ethical to use live cats in physics experiments?

Well -- it was and it wasn't.

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You know what pirates consider their best orgasms?

When they come as they Arrr.

I’m considering taking a position translating old Mongolian poetry.

The jobs has its prose and Khans.

Happy cake day to me!

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Zoo keeper says to Paddy. "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for £500? Paddy replies.

I will on 3 conditions: 1st, I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd, my family must never know.

3rd i'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together.

What's considered trashy if you're poor, but classy if you're rich?

Manipulating the stock market.

Not to brag, but I consider myself as a mix between Rambo and Einstein...

...I have Rambo's intelligence and Einstein's muscles.

After considering and pondering it, I decided to turn myself into the police today.

It was fun while it lasted pulling people over and collecting drugs, but totally not worth getting busted for impersonation.

Did you hear? Copies of The Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, and The Silmarillion are considered one-of-a-kind when sold and traded.

They're Non-Fungible Tolkiens.

What do you call a girl who is always considering surgery to deal with her weight problem?

A lipochondriac

A man proposes to a beautiful young girl and attempts to entice her by telling her that his father is 100 years old and possesses a fortune of several million pounds. The girl asks for two weeks to consider the proposal ...

Two weeks pass and the man calls the girl for her decision 'I can't sorry' she tells him 'I'm your stepmother'

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Did you know it’s considered incest if you fuck time?

That’s cause time is relative

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I consider myself to be buysexual...

Because the only chance I have of getting some is if I'm paying for it.

Why is "why did the chicken cross the road?" considered the very first dad joke?

It was originally "why did the egg cross the road?" but it didn't have legs.

Some consider Romeo and Juliet a tale of true romantic love...

But only if you consider 2 underage kids in a relationship that lasted 3 days causing 2 suicides and 3 murders romantic...

Have you ever considered a career in shipbuilding?

I heard it's riveting.

A survey revealed that People who speak more than one language are considered more attractive.

Unless that language is Klingon

My dad's star sign was cancer which is ironic considering how he died

He was attacked by a giant crab

My liberal friend asked me how I consider owning guns as a God given right when noone in the Bible had one ...

I said She was wrong. Paul had epistle ...

I don't consider my self a necrophilia,

... but more of a paleontologist.

why is it considered gross to drink a beverage made of steeped soil?

Because that's just dirt tea

A recent poll found that just over 40% of Americans consider themselves political pundits.

This is interesting, because the same poll found that just under 15% of Americans know what the word pundit means.

PSA: the term “Hipsters” is politically incorrect and is considered an offensive slur in many circles

Please use the medically-recommended term “conjoined twins” instead.

The United States should really consider going to the doctor.

They've had an election for more than 4 hours.

Is "I don't remember" considered a legitimate legal response?

Because it sure as heck doesn't work with my wife.

My son is studying to become a lawyer, so I texted him, "If you tickle a man to death by accident, is it considered..."

"...manslaughter?!"

My conservative brother is considering buying free weights…

To own the lbs.

We all know that 6 was afraid of 7. But have you ever considered WHY 7 “8” 9?

It’s because you’re supposed to eat 3² meals a day.

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The wife said she's considering anal tonight....

That's a big thumbs up from me .

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Here's a NSFW: I asked my GF if she would consider masturbating with fruit.

She went fucking bananas.

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they
decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but
they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road....

Given how my heart has several defects since birth, I'm considering a heart transplant.

But then again, I might have a change in heart with that decision.

I was considering telling a vaccine joke to a right wing coworker of mine

but didn't because he probably wouldn't get it anyways.

Did you know that when someone gets run over by a Tesla it isn't considered Vehicular Manslaughter?

They call it electric car battery!

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Would masturbating while smoking weed be considered

masturblazing, weedwhacking, or highjacking?

A lot of people consider me to be the margarine of comedy.

I tell a joke and they can’t believe it’s not better.

I got fired from my job this week, which is ridiculous considering I was putting in 80+ hours of hard work..

...every single year.

Matthew McConaughey considering a run for Texas Governor.

He's planning to run on an alt-right, alt-right, alt-right platform.

Charging $500 for a $5 case of water is considered price gouging. What is charging $500 for a $5 bag of saline called?

Healthcare.

I am considering living in a bubble…

I am considering living in a bubble..

That way I can honestly say, “I’m in shape.”

Investment Opportunity: You might want to consider getting on board early...

A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

US Postal Service was considering a new Trump postage stamp...

But in the early focus-group testing, most people were spitting on the wrong side causing the stamp not to stick to the envelopes.

What tastes funny and is considered a cannibal's version of sardines?

A full clown car.

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When the tyrant had a massive phallic watercraft commissioned to be made from potatoes he didn't really consider its seaworthiness.

His dick tater ship didnt last very long.

I consider myself a musician

I can finger A minor

OJ Simpson was being interviewed the other day. The reporter asked if he'd considered getting married again.

OJ said he had thought about taking another stab at it.

If you're feeling unattractive, consider buying a wig.

It's a look that anyone can pull off.

Everyone likes to laugh at other people's inability with numbers. However, 45% of people consider themselves bad at math, every twentieth member of the population hates decimals, 1 out of 5 people can't do mental arithmetic and 3/10 can't do fractions without a calculator.

Yet only one in a hundred find this funny.

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Do you know why Saturday and Sunday are considered strong days?

Because the rest are weak days

I consider myself cosmopolitan

That is, I’m full of vodka and cranberry juice.

I consider myself very lucky...There are like thousands of women out there waiting to screw me

...over.

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Masturbation should be considered a craft...

as it is 100% hand made.

Do Buddhists consider YOLO offensive?

Asking for a friend

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So my family is considering matching tattoos.

My eldest sister recommends flowers.
My middle sister recommends fruits.
My youngest sister recommends Pokemon.

Me? I suggest we get dinosaurs so I can show my ass cheek and get a tattoo of a Mega-Sore-Ass.

Why are bassists considered cowardly?

Because they disappear at the first sign of treble.

A semi truck full of Ramen noodle caught fire today and the whole shipment was considered ruined

The total loss came out to be $73

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I jokingly asked my wife if she would consider inviting the neighbours over for some sexy time together

And, she agreed forsome reasons.

Why do Romans consider 190 to be the most attractive number?

Because it's CXC

I heard the Republican Party is considering renaming itself as the National Conservative party

Or Nat-C for short

The NFL is considering having their teams play to empty stadiums and no fans.

The Lions have been preparing for this their whole lives.

People with fogged up glasses from wearing a mask: have you considered using a monocle?

It only fogs up half as much.

When you donate a kidney, people consider you a hero...

But when you donate four, you get arrested.

I'm considering becoming a mind reader..

What are your thoughts?

My wife and I got married on the same day as the Kentucky Derby. I remember it because I was considering betting my life’s savings on this one Filly.

...

I also considered putting money on the derby.

Is it still considered Fisting if they have no fingers?

Really had me stumped the other day.

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OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet.

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and ...

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Considering it's history, West Virginia is mis-named

they should've called it "Left Virginia".

What is considered the tallest building in the world?

The library, because it has so many stories

If you're on the fence about having kids you should really consider foster care.

At least that's what I did with mine.

I'm seriously considering asking my ex-wife to remarry me...

But I'm worried she will think I'm just after her for my money...

I really don’t understand why people consider alcohol to be a problem.

Chemically speaking, it’s a solution.

When someone says, "You are the last person on my list I would want to hurt!" there are two things to consider...

They already have a list and you are on it...

Why is English considered the easiest language to learn?

Because even the Americans are decent at it!

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Australia is doing phenomenally on the Olympic medal tally considering our population

#1. USA: 318.9 million
#2. China: 1.357 billion
#3. Japan: 173.3 million
#4. Australia: 48 as of last census

If you ever want a fun vacation, you should consider going to Disneyland Syria

I hear their rides are the bomb

Why are all ghosts considered alcoholics?

Because they bring Boos everywhere they go!

Tesla is considering releasing a line of electric buses named after Egyptian gods.

It'll be A-new-bus.

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I finally get why Trump considers himself a stable genius.

Because he’s the best at shoveling horse shit.

Would you ever consider yourself a beautiful gourd?

Because you look smashing, pumpkin.

Russia is considering banning the internet for most people, replacing it with a limited Russian propaganda version...

It will be called the InterNYET.

Why are communists considered left?

Because they can't do anything right

Condoms cannot be considered safe

A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a car.

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