UPJOKE
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Consider Jokes

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For extra cash consider robbing sex offenders.

Their address is easy to find, and they can't own guns.

Only downside is politicians usually have good security.

My wife was upset that the dog was considered man's best friend. She maintains that a spouse should be considered my best friend.

So I locked them both in the trunk of my car and drove around for twenty minutes. Guess which one was happiest to see me when I let them out?
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If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.
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If the number 666 is considered evil

..is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?
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What’s considered trashy if you’re poor but class if you’re rich?

Florida
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What is considered the polite way to end an orgy?

Thank everyone for coming!
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know why Ms. Pac-man is considered the greatest prostitute of all time?

Because for 25 cents she'll eat balls until she dies!

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I consider myself to be quite a pussy magnet

Now if I can just figure out how to change the polarity.

Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.

Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."
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Many consider me a prideful arrogant and foolish man

But of course, who could be more so?
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Companies that consider themselves modern often have a “diversity officer”. Why is that role always done by a woman?

Because it is cheaper.
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After World War 2, France seriously considered changing its name

Unfortunately Iran was already taken
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Would i ever consider taking protein supplements?

No whey
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I've had a hard time figuring out why I don't consider cottage cheese truly "cheese"

But it's just a curd to me
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People often rank a person's attractiveness out of ten, but what is considered a ten in some states would be considered differently elsewhere.

For example an NY10 is typically tall and athletic but a DC10 is very plane.
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Apparently the Republican party are considering banning coffee...

Part of their war on woke.
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I'm considering a job installing mirrors, the pay isn't great

But it's a job I can see myself doing
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Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the world?

Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.
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During an interview the potential employer asked the young man “What you consider to be your greatest weakness"?

The job applicant replied “Honesty.”
The interviewer commented "Honesty? I don’t think honesty is a weakness.”
The young man replied “I don’t care what you think!”
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

Elon Musk is considering removing blocking from Twitter

Which means your only options for defense will now be dodge and counter.
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Why aren’t koalas considered bears?

They don’t have the right koala-fications
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Apparently, even saying "black paint" is considered racist...

You're supposed to say, "Leeroy, would you please paint the fence."
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Any PDA at Olive Garden is considered incest

Because when you’re here, you’re family
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Elderly folks looking for love should considering targeting archeologists.

They tend to date really old things.
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You know why chickens are considered filthy animals?

Because they eat with their peckers.
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You know what pirates consider their best orgasms?

When they come as they Arrr.

If a co worker is sick, is it considered a staff infection?

I really just came up with this joke all by myself, this is a big moment for me.
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I consider myself to be buysexual...

Because the only chance I have of getting some is if I'm paying for it.

I’m considering taking a position translating old Mongolian poetry.

The jobs has its prose and Khans.

Happy cake day to me!
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Back in the day, excessive use of commas was considered a very serious crime.

It usually resulted in a long sentence.
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I honestly hate how a person who donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donated 4 and I’m somehow a criminal
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What's considered trashy if you're poor, but classy if you're rich?

Manipulating the stock market.
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Have you ever considered a career in shipbuilding?

I heard it's riveting.
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I don't consider my self a necrophilia,

... but more of a paleontologist.
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Some consider Romeo and Juliet a tale of true romantic love...

But only if you consider 2 underage kids in a relationship that lasted 3 days causing 2 suicides and 3 murders romantic...
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The Missouri state legislature is considering a ban on female legislators' clothing that leaves their arms exposed

I never thought I'd see a Republican state trying to overturn the right to bare arms

(Yes, this is actually happening)
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My father said I would be able to consider myself successful when my bank account balance resembled a phone number

Hey. 911 is a phone number.
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In Schrodinger's time, was it considered ethical to use live cats in physics experiments?

Well -- it was and it wasn't.
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Not to brag, but I consider myself as a mix between Rambo and Einstein...

...I have Rambo's intelligence and Einstein's muscles.
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Why do the British consider the Americans as the most informal people on earth?

Because when the Americans hosted a tea party, it all went into harbor.
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I consider myself a musician

I can finger A minor
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I consider myself cosmopolitan

That is, I’m full of vodka and cranberry juice.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wife said she's considering anal tonight....

That's a big thumbs up from me .

The United States should really consider going to the doctor.

They've had an election for more than 4 hours.
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Would masturbating while smoking weed be considered

masturblazing, weedwhacking, or highjacking?

My conservative brother is considering buying free weights…

To own the lbs.
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Is "I don't remember" considered a legitimate legal response?

Because it sure as heck doesn't work with my wife.
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My dad's star sign was cancer which is ironic considering how he died

He was attacked by a giant crab
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Do Buddhists consider YOLO offensive?

Asking for a friend
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I am considering living in a bubble…

I am considering living in a bubble..

That way I can honestly say, “I’m in shape.”
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Why are bassists considered cowardly?

Because they disappear at the first sign of treble.
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Masturbation should be considered a craft...

as it is 100% hand made.

Why is "why did the chicken cross the road?" considered the very first dad joke?

It was originally "why did the egg cross the road?" but it didn't have legs.
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What do you call a girl who is always considering surgery to deal with her weight problem?

A lipochondriac
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Matthew McConaughey considering a run for Texas Governor.

He's planning to run on an alt-right, alt-right, alt-right platform.
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A survey revealed that People who speak more than one language are considered more attractive.

Unless that language is Klingon
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why is it considered gross to drink a beverage made of steeped soil?

Because that's just dirt tea
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A recent poll found that just over 40% of Americans consider themselves political pundits.

This is interesting, because the same poll found that just under 15% of Americans know what the word pundit means.
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If you're feeling unattractive, consider buying a wig.

It's a look that anyone can pull off.
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I'd consider Nihilism,

but does it even matter?
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So my family is considering matching tattoos.

My eldest sister recommends flowers.
My middle sister recommends fruits.
My youngest sister recommends Pokemon.

Me? I suggest we get dinosaurs so I can show my ass cheek and get a tattoo of a Mega-Sore-Ass.

I'm considering becoming a mind reader..

What are your thoughts?
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US Postal Service was considering a new Trump postage stamp...

But in the early focus-group testing, most people were spitting on the wrong side causing the stamp not to stick to the envelopes.
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Condoms cannot be considered safe

A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a car.
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Investment Opportunity: You might want to consider getting on board early...

A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.
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Why are communists considered left?

Because they can't do anything right
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I consider myself an eggnostic

I just don't think we can know which came first...
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Why are all ghosts considered alcoholics?

Because they bring Boos everywhere they go!
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A lot of people consider me to be the margarine of comedy.

I tell a joke and they can’t believe it’s not better.
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Why is Chewbacca considered a pro?

Because he doesn't make wookie mistakes.
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I consider myself lucky, I celebrate Valentine's Day every year

My name is Valentine
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Here's a NSFW: I asked my GF if she would consider masturbating with fruit.

She went fucking bananas.

I just found out it’s considered rude in Vietnam to eat noodles with a fork, since it’s how American GIs ate their food.

It’s a pho pas.
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PSA: the term “Hipsters” is politically incorrect and is considered an offensive slur in many circles

Please use the medically-recommended term “conjoined twins” instead.
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Have scientists considered Queen Elizabeth's

Blood for covid-19 vaccine...??
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Do you know why Saturday and Sunday are considered strong days?

Because the rest are weak days

Would you ever consider yourself a beautiful gourd?

Because you look smashing, pumpkin.
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I always considered fishing to be boring.

But then I got hooked.
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What is considered the tallest building in the world?

The library, because it has so many stories
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Why are Pokemon considered manly in Peru?

It all dates back to the time of Macho-Pikachu
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Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

When you donate a kidney, people consider you a hero...

But when you donate four, you get arrested.
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Why is English considered the easiest language to learn?

Because even the Americans are decent at it!
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Whose the idiot?

The beginning of the first class in college a professor wanted to stir things up, to make a point he said “If there are any idiots in this room, will you please stand up"

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?", inq...
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Why do Romans consider 190 to be the most attractive number?

Because it's CXC
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Given how my heart has several defects since birth, I'm considering a heart transplant.

But then again, I might have a change in heart with that decision.
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Why are drone pilots considered snobs?

Because they look down on everyone.
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Zoo keeper says to Paddy. "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for £500? Paddy replies.

I will on 3 conditions: 1st, I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd, my family must never know.

3rd i'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together.

Did you hear? Copies of The Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, and The Silmarillion are considered one-of-a-kind when sold and traded.

They're Non-Fungible Tolkiens.
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I'm seriously considering asking my ex-wife to remarry me...

But I'm worried she will think I'm just after her for my money...
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Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they
decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but
they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road....
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Is it still considered Fisting if they have no fingers?

Really had me stumped the other day.
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I was considering telling a vaccine joke to a right wing coworker of mine

but didn't because he probably wouldn't get it anyways.
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OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet.

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.


The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'


The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and ...

I wouldn't consider myself a fan of steampunk.

But I will say this, it is undoubtedly the healthiest way to prepare punk.
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I am seriously considering reversing my circumcision.

Anybody have any tips?
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We all know that 6 was afraid of 7. But have you ever considered WHY 7 “8” 9?

It’s because you’re supposed to eat 3² meals a day.
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Why India is considered a peaceful country?

Because most of them don’t like beef.
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I was considering telling you my time travel joke.

but you didn’t like it.
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A man with a penis growing on his forehead visits the doctor, worried.

"Doctor, I have a penis growing on my forehead!"

The doctor examines the situation, sits the man down and asks, "Have you been to South America?"

"South America? No, not at all!"

The doctor responds, "You should go, they have stunning beaches and beautiful girls there.” Then ask...

I considered having a threesome, but I decided against it.

If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I’d just have dinner with my parents.
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After considering it for weeks, I finally decided to turn myself into the police.

It really wasn't worth it. Scaring people and stealing their drugs was fun, but getting busted for impersonation sucked.
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I'm considering a career in organized crime.

Which is best : Government or Private Sector ?
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Imo everyone should consider organ donation

Ahhh actually I've had a change of heart
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I finally get why Trump considers himself a stable genius.

Because he’s the best at shoveling horse shit.

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It was Jim's birthday, and he was considered to be an "old man" by his friends standards. So, to liven him up a bit, Jim's friends decided to give him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker.

The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door.
When Jim answered, she said "Hi I'm your birthday present!"
Startled, he asked "What am I supposed to do with you?"
"I'm yours for super sex," she answers.
So Jim replied "Well, I'm 75 years old so I...

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Sex before marriage is considered a sin

And after marriage a miracle

"Have you considered using an alternative name for hell?"

"I heaven't."
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Did you know that when someone gets run over by a Tesla it isn't considered Vehicular Manslaughter?

They call it electric car battery!
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Yes, boss, I know I'm considered essential..

But so are those pyramid scheme oils, and they don't work, either.
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