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A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

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I finally get why Trump considers himself a stable genius.

Because he’s the best at shoveling horse shit.

Is it still considered Fisting if they have no fingers?

Really had me stumped the other day.

This guy marched up to me and asked, "Excuse me, but have you considered becoming an organ donor?"

I looked him straight in the eye and said, "Father, I think this church should be able to afford its own!"

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Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

Why aren't koalas considered bears?

They don't have the koalafications

How big does a bird have to be in order to be considered an outcast?

Ostrichsized

Condoms cannot be considered safe

A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a car.

I had to really consider my boyfriend’s proposal before giving an answer.

On one hand, I’d get a really nice ring.

On the other hand, I wouldn’t.

A lot of people consider me to be the margarine of comedy.

I tell a joke and they can’t believe it’s not better.

When playing a game against a less skilled player, it’s considered fair to give them a handicap.

That’s why I always break my opponent’s kneecaps before a game of Monopoly

US Postal Service was considering a new Trump postage stamp...

But in the early focus-group testing, most people were spitting on the wrong side causing the stamp not to stick to the envelopes.

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they
decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but
they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road....

What is considered the tallest building in the world?

The library, because it has so many stories

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When the tyrant had a massive phallic watercraft commissioned to be made from potatoes he didn't really consider its seaworthiness.

His dick tater ship didnt last very long.

Why are Democrats considered more attractive than Republicans?

Never heard of a hot piece of elephant.

Why are drone pilots considered snobs?

Because they look down on everyone.

German lawmakers are considering a policy that makes all Uber ride sharing free

If the law passes, then Deutschland will über alles

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he ...

Curtis Jackson, aka 50 cent, considering to run for office. His first campaign slogans released.

Change we can believe in! The change we need!

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun.
His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally spoke,
“Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all...

Would you consider doing yoga as “working out?”

Yeah.

Hmmm that seems like a stretch to me.

I consider myself very lucky...There are like thousands of women out there waiting to screw me

...over.

The NFL is considering having their teams play to empty stadiums and no fans.

The Lions have been preparing for this their whole lives.

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Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

If sharing a drink using a same straw is considered an indirect kiss

Then jacking off using your hand right after shaking a girl's hand is an indirect handjob

Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the world?

Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

*Thanks for my first gold kind stranger! But please consider donating to your local food bank or another worthy cause instead of rewarding this stupid joke that was (according to sources) reposted.

Archimedes wasn't just known for inventing his many inventions. He's also considered to have invented the first insult when talking to his brother who was a cheese maker after discovering a early form of lindburger cheese....

He simply stated, You reeka!

A man's wife accuses him of "testiculating"

"What the hell is *testiculating*?" the man asks.

Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!"

The man considers this for a moment."Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?"

"Yes," his wife answers. "Why?"...

If you're feeling unattractive, consider buying a wig.

It's a look that anyone can pull off.

Someone came to the door asking if I’ve considered selling elevators to my friends and family.

I’m so sick of Multi Level Marketing.

I consider myself lucky, I celebrate Valentine's Day every year

My name is Valentine

A Jew, an Hindu and Karen survive a plane crash in the woods

They walk together trough the woods throughout the day and into the night looking for help.

At last, they find a little wooden house with a lit window and a barn next to it.

The Jewish man says:

"Finally, someone who can help us! Let's ask the owner if we can stay the night and ...

My dad's star sign was cancer which is ironic considering how he died

He was attacked by a giant crab

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A nun...

A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high voice,”Could you please take me to Times Square?”

In a thick Brooklyn accent the cab driver initiates conversation,”Hey, sista, that’s kinda a long drive. You mind if we, like, chat?”

The nun says,”Why no, my son, wh...

With the US’s failure to act, I’m considering moving

I was thinking that after quarantine, I’d try Italy. I hear they’re having a lot of openings in the housing market.

I can’t believe they’re considering an all mail election...

...females worked so hard to get voting rights

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What is it that most women do in their daily lives but is considered a tragedy when Adolf Hitler did?

Remove Polish using chemicals.

I have been considering overdosing on dopamine for a while now

At least that way, I know I would die a happy man

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My physics teacher asked me how much a church weighs with and without people in it.

I had to consider mass.

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The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

Three chinese Buddhist monks die and meet Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter reviews their lives. " Clearly all three of you have been exemplary people but I'm afraid that only Christians are allowed into heaven."

The first monk replies. " Oh no, we all good Christian. Ask any question."
St. Peter considers and says because they have been so good he w...

Yes, boss, I know I'm considered essential..

But so are those pyramid scheme oils, and they don't work, either.

Your legs must be considered essential

Because you still can’t seem to close them

My dad told me this joke in Serbian years ago. Hope it translates well.

A man is terminally ill and has 3 months left to live. Seeing as he was a holy man for all his life, God gave him a visit and granted him 3 wishes. The man ponders for a few minutes then asks for his first wish.

“God, I’d love to have a nice steak dinner and some brandy to wash it down with.”...

COVID-19 jokes are really popular considering what's going on. Have some patience if they annoy you.

They should start to die in a week or so.

Considering idiots aren't buying Corona beer because of the name of the virus.....

We should name the next outbreak the Toilet Paper Virus and watch people's heads explode

Are locksmiths considered key workers?

Asking for a friend.

Do Buddhists consider YOLO offensive?

Asking for a friend

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Moe’s Saloon in the Old West was seeing a lot of customers lately...

It was getting busier and busier by the day, so much so that there was barely a seat left in the whole joint. The hotshots were playing poker, the 49-ers were drinking and cat-calling the dames. The piano was playing, the whiskey was flowing, everyone was having the time of their lives. Suddenly, th...

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I consider myself to be quite a pussy magnet

Now if I can just figure out how to change the polarity.

My God will save me

Just to start off, this joke was considered blasphemy by a devout Christian. Sorry if it offends you for whatever reason.

John was on the roof of his house as the city was flooding.

A raft stops by and ask the man, "Hey, jump into the raft. The entire city is flooded and you're going t...

If someone was writing a book about tsunamis...

If someone was writing a book about tsunamis and they suddenly got a rush of ideas on what to call it, would that be considered a title wave?

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

I consider myself a musician

I can finger A minor

If you consider sounds to be last words

I'm going out with a bang!

A Beaver Story

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said
"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20
year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think
about that?"

The ...

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Dirtiest joke on The Tonight Show (SFW)

Alan King was on The Tonight Show and told Johnny Carson that he was going to tell the dirtiest joke ever told on network TV and the censors wouldn’t bleep a single word. This was many years ago, so I’ve likely changed a few minor details.

Jim was a successful stockbroker, but finally grew w...

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Predators

According to recent research and common sense, humans are sexual by nature.

Humans are also on top of every food chain, and are considered predators.

So it is reasonable to believe that humans are sexual predators. The only difference is that I'm registered.

Pharaohs almost never farted until it hurt. It was considered a terrible fate

Many called it the curse of Toot-uncommon.

If you’re not a dad, you shouldn’t tell dad jokes.

It’s considered a faux pa.

A group of fans are discussing their favorite band members

The newest fan of the group can’t decide whether they like the guitarist or vocalist more. Both are hot and both are great musicians.

One of the older fans chimes in, “Well, then consider who’d be better in bed.”

Confused, they respond,” How do I do that?”

“Do you prefer someone...

I consider myself cosmopolitan

That is, I’m full of vodka and cranberry juice.

Name for a PTSD support group

I just got kicked out of my support group for those chronically depressed with PTSD. We were trying to think up a group name, apparently 'The Suicide Squad' isn't considered appropriate.

Why are DJs considered entry-level musicians?

They start from scratch

Why India is considered a peaceful country?

Because most of them don’t like beef.

If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?

Or a beet down?

I considered a career in fortune telling.

But, I couldn't see a future in it.

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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"



Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny we'll cons...

Who else hates labels?

If you do, consider joining our group. We call ourselves antilabelists.

I heard the Republican Party is considering renaming itself as the National Conservative party

Or Nat-C for short

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn’t need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied. The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappear...

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Here's a NSFW: I asked my GF if she would consider masturbating with fruit.

She went fucking bananas.

I'm considering a career in organized crime.

Which is best : Government or Private Sector ?

Everyone likes to laugh at other people's inability with numbers. However, 45% of people consider themselves bad at math, every twentieth member of the population hates decimals, 1 out of 5 people can't do mental arithmetic and 3/10 can't do fractions without a calculator.

Yet only one in a hundred find this funny.

My boss said we need to remove the dead weight from our work.

Which is going to be tough, considering our job is in a morgue.

You have to love female accountants...

They consider double entry the standard.

I'm considering becoming a mind reader

What are your thoughts?

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I jokingly asked my wife if she would consider inviting the neighbours over for some sexy time together

And, she agreed forsome reasons.

Why is Chewbacca considered a pro?

Because he doesn't make wookie mistakes.

Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.

Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."

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A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She decided to put an ad in the local paper that read: "HUSBAND WANTED, must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants apply in person".

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay she opened the door to see a grey haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. The woman said "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you... you have no legs!" The old man smiled: "Therefor...

I was considering losing weight for my new year's resolution.

But I decided not to think less of myself.

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One of my grandpa’s favorite jokes

Back in the 1950s, traveling salesmen would come to rural areas and get some good customers out of it. One of these was Jack. He’s traveling on a dirt road when all of a sudden his tire pops.

He gets out of the car and realizes that he doesn’t have a spare. “Ah, shit!” he exclaims, mad that t...

Why do Romans consider 190 to be the most attractive number?

Because it's CXC

An old man is traveling to a far off land, but is arrested in a city named Runnia along the way.

The townspeople of Runnia are convinced that he was the murderer of Barth F. Bradley, the local butcher. Though there is not much evidence of the claim, a witness claims he saw the old man leave Bradley's shop on the night of the murder. The townspeople, who were always suspicious of strangers, cons...

During the Cold War, a British officer goes into a Cologne brothel.

He stands smartly at ease in front of the madame and says "*Guten abend*! May I enquire what your payment might be for the pleasure of my company?"

She looks him up and down, considers his rank and the likely size of his pay packet, and says "*Herr Hauptmann*, two hundred and fifty Deutschmar...

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My penis is in pretty good shape......

....considering all the beatings it has taken.

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A bus full of nuns is driving through the Italian Alps...

When all of a sudden the driver misses a turn and the bus is launched of the edge of the cliff, rolls down the side of the mountain and explodes in a spectacular ball of flames.

A few moments later, St. Peter, who was expecting an easy day, found himself faced with 50 newly deceased and quite...

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Zoo keeper says to Paddy. "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for £500? Paddy replies, I will on 3 conditions: 1st I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd my family must never know.

3rd i'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together.

Russian emergency !

Russian President Putin called President Trump with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.

"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within t...

People still having large weddings during a pandemic must be huge Game of Thrones fans.

After all a Dothraki wedding without at least 3 deaths is considered a dull affair.

We all know that 6 was afraid of 7. But have you ever considered WHY 7 “8” 9?

It’s because you’re supposed to eat 3² meals a day.

When you donate a kidney, people consider you a hero...

But when you donate four, you get arrested.

I had a dream that I was eating marshmallows...

...and when I woke up, I discovered I'd chewed my pillow to bits. I'm feeling okay, all things considered. Just a little down in the mouth.

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So there are three friars living atop a mountain

So there are three friars living atop a mountain, and they tend to the most beautiful garden in all the land.
One day, one of the friars decides he could make a flower one hundred times prettier than all the other flowers in the garden, if only he could cross-breed a few that he had already.<b...

Have you considered pouring your alcohol into smaller glasses?

You should try, it’s worth a shot.

If the number 666 is considered evil

..is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?

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(NSFW) Milton Berle had a famously large penis. Another comedian (who also considered himself well-hung) kept pestering Berle to have a contest comparing their tools.

Berle said, "Fine, but I'm only going to take out enough to win."

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Medical experts were asked if it is time to lift the COVID-19 lockdown restrictions.

There were mixed responses.

Allergists were in favor of scratching it altogether, but dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling it was a bad idea, and neurologists claimed the government had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians felt certai...

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Ink for Pink

For a women to flash her boobs at the tattoo artist for a free inking considered tits-for-tats ?

I can’t stand Honors college kids. I asked this girl “hey, why aren’t koalas considered to be bears?”

And she said, “they’re marsupials.”

Shut up, nerd. The answer to the joke is they don’t have the koalafications.

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I generally consider myself a modest and humble person.

It's what makes me so fucking awesome.

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Nescafe and the Lord’s Prayer

The marketing Director of Nescafe manages to meet with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers: 'Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if ...

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"I just bought an elephant and it was the best purchase ever"

While walking down the street, a man meets a friend he hasn't met for a while. They stop and chat, talking about what's new in their lives. The friend mentions having bought an elephant pretty recently.

"It was the best purchase ever! It grazes on my lawn, keeping it perfectly trimmed. I ...

Why was the bathroom play set considered dangerous?

Because the toilet things on fire.

I am seriously considering reversing my circumcision.

Anybody have any tips?

I never considered myself to be sentimental, but after I got my pacemaker...

I knew it would always have a place in my heart.

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If I masturbate with this marijuana infused lotion is it considered grassturbating?

Or maybe masturbaking?

I consider myself somewhat of a chick magnet.

I just have trouble changing the polarity.

I hate polish jokes

I went into a deli the other day and I ask for a polish sausage. The deli man says " oh you must be polish"
I said "what why would you think that because I'm polish, I gotta order a polish sausage?"

I says "if I guy came in and ordered German potato salad, would you consider that guy a Ger...

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Hunting

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my c...

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