UPJOKE
seethinkregardcontemplatebelievereckondebatestudyviewdeliberatereconsidermootconceivetaketurn over

Please don't post any more school shooting jokes, consider them rule 10 - overly offensive.

Let's give each other time to heal and get back to the reposts we all know and love (just kidding) - but enough is enough of these.

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For extra cash consider robbing sex offenders.

Their address is easy to find, and they can't own guns.

Only downside is politicians usually have good security.

If any of you are thinking of getting married, consider this before you do

On the one hand, you get to wear a cool ring

On the other hand, you don’t

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Did you know it’s considered incest if you fuck time?

That’s cause time is relative

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The 5 things a man should consider for a happy life

The 5 things a man should consider for a happy life:

Find a woman who likes to laugh
Find a woman you can talk to
Find a woman who is good in bed
Find a woman who is good at cooking
And the most important:
Make sure they never meet

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You know what pirates consider their best orgasms?

When they come as they Arrr.

My conservative brother is considering buying free weights…

To own the lbs.

Is "I don't remember" considered a legitimate legal response?

Because it sure as heck doesn't work with my wife.

PSA: the term “Hipsters” is politically incorrect and is considered an offensive slur in many circles

Please use the medically-recommended term “conjoined twins” instead.

My son is studying to become a lawyer, so I texted him, "If you tickle a man to death by accident, is it considered..."

"...manslaughter?!"

Did you hear? Copies of The Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, and The Silmarillion are considered one-of-a-kind when sold and traded.

They're Non-Fungible Tolkiens.

What is considered the polite way to end an orgy?

Thank everyone for coming!

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
...

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I consider myself to be buysexual...

Because the only chance I have of getting some is if I'm paying for it.

A man proposes to a beautiful young girl and attempts to entice her by telling her that his father is 100 years old and possesses a fortune of several million pounds. The girl asks for two weeks to consider the proposal ...

Two weeks pass and the man calls the girl for her decision 'I can't sorry' she tells him 'I'm your stepmother'

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Zookeeper says to Paddy, "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with. Would you consider snagging it for £500?"

Paddy replies, "I will on 3 conditions."

"1st, I'm not going to kiss it."

"2nd, My family must never know."

"3rd, I'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together. "

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The wife said she's considering anal tonight....

That's a big thumbs up from me .

If a co worker is sick, is it considered a staff infection?

I really just came up with this joke all by myself, this is a big moment for me.

My son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered this for a moment and replied: “When Abe Lincoln was your age he was The President of the United States.”

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A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

Completed in 1856, Big Ben was designed by architects Charles Barry and Augustus Welby Pugin and took 13 years to build.

Which is crazy long considering they were working around the clock.

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A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read

HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or l...

Given how my heart has several defects since birth, I'm considering a heart transplant.

But then again, I might have a change in heart with that decision.

Are pickup lines considered "Dad Jokes"?

If they're successful...yes.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart. But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth. 6 respected 9, even though ...

I've had a hard time figuring out why I don't consider cottage cheese truly "cheese"

But it just a curd to me

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Management Lessons

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you.
But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on t...

I'm considering a job installing mirrors, the pay isn't great

But it's a job I can see myself doing

I am considering living in a bubble…

I am considering living in a bubble..

That way I can honestly say, “I’m in shape.”

I got fired from my job this week, which is ridiculous considering I was putting in 80+ hours of hard work..

...every single year.

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family....

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"O...

Did you know that when someone gets run over by a Tesla it isn't considered Vehicular Manslaughter?

They call it electric car battery!

What’s considered trashy if you're poor, but classy if you're rich?

Manipulating the stock market

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good...

My liberal friend asked me how I consider owning guns as a God given right when noone in the Bible had one ...

I said She was wrong. Paul had epistle ...

What tastes funny and is considered a cannibal's version of sardines?

A full clown car.

I don't consider my self a necrophilia,

... but more of a paleontologist.

I was considering telling a vaccine joke to a right wing coworker of mine

but didn't because he probably wouldn't get it anyways.

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The day the penis asked for a raise.

The Day the Penis Asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the

following reasons: do physical labor. I work in great depths. I plunge head-first into everything I do. I do not get week ends or public holidays off. I work in a damp, dark environment, with ver...

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If you can’t stop eating ass

.
.
.

.

Are you considered a crack addict?

After considering it for weeks, I finally decided to turn myself into the police.

It really wasn't worth it. Scaring people and stealing their drugs was fun, but getting busted for impersonation sucked.

A Muslim, a Hindu and a lawyer are travelling through the desert…

They’ve tried to make good time in their travels, but find that night will fall before they can make it to the next town. Luckily they find a farm nearby, and they ask the farmer if they can stay for the night. When he agrees, not wanting to impose too much, they set their sleeping rolls in his barn...

In the French Navy, it's considered unlucky to have the number 5 in a ship's name...

Because all of the ships with that number in their name... cinq

An immigrant teen is walking home from the supermarket when he sees an older gentleman with a broken down car on the side of the road...

He stops to help and immediately makes a good impression on the older fellow. Eventually they get the car going and the gentleman offers the boy a ride home. The teenager accepts, thinking it would be a great way to get home quickly, considering it's getting late and his mother was probably worried ...

I was at the supermarket the other day...

I was at the supermarket the other day, buying dog food. As I was standing in line for the cash register, there was a lady behind me asking me if I had a dog (beacuse why else would I be buying dog food, right?!) Anyway, my inner demon woke up, so I told the lady that I don't have a dog, but that I ...

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A Jew went to the Rabbi to ask for advice.

"Oh Rabbi, my Sarah and I and our children are all living together in our small little house. It is so cramped and I can't afford a new one! What shall I do Rabbi?" Rabbi considered it and said. "Go and hire a live-in servant." "What?" "Do as I say." And so the Jew hired a live-in servant. After...

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A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered.

She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to...

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Karate Dog

A man walks into an exotic pet shop and is surrounded by animals he would not consider as normal pets: foxes, tigers, tarantulas, monkeys. He sees a dog in a crate in the corner.

He asks the shop owner, "why is there a regular dog in an exotic pet shop?"

The owner replies, "it's actual...

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Male or Female non-living objects... You might not know this, but a lot of non-living things are remarkably similar to men and women.

**FREEZER BAGS**: These are male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

**PHOTOCOPIERS:** These are female, because once turned off, it takes

**TIRES**: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

**HOT AIR BALLOONS**: Al...

A recent poll found that just over 40% of Americans consider themselves political pundits.

This is interesting, because the same poll found that just under 15% of Americans know what the word pundit means.

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Would masturbating while smoking weed be considered

masturblazing, weedwhacking, or highjacking?

Matthew McConaughey considering a run for Texas Governor.

He's planning to run on an alt-right, alt-right, alt-right platform.

I was considering becoming a monk.

But I never got the chants.

A cloning experiment gone wrong

A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans. Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility....

The United States should really consider going to the doctor.

They've had an election for more than 4 hours.

Dead baby jokes are really distasteful NSFL

Especially considering how many babies you have to kill before it stops being funny.

A survey revealed that People who speak more than one language are considered more attractive.

Unless that language is Klingon

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So my family is considering matching tattoos.

My eldest sister recommends flowers.
My middle sister recommends fruits.
My youngest sister recommends Pokemon.

Me? I suggest we get dinosaurs so I can show my ass cheek and get a tattoo of a Mega-Sore-Ass.

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Strange how people think Mules do better work than Donkeys.

Especially considering Mules only do a half Ass job.

Woman at bar

A man walks up to an attractive woman sitting at the bar and strikes up a conversation. After a while chatting he asks the woman if she would consider sleeping with him for a million dollars. The woman without missing a beat says absolutely. The man then asks if she would sleep with him for a hundre...

Apparently screaming 5 second rule

Apparently screaming 5 second rule when eating out your girlfriend isn’t considered romantic when she falls off the bed.

A semi truck full of Ramen noodle caught fire today and the whole shipment was considered ruined

The total loss came out to be $73

Why aren't koalas considered bears?

Cause they don't have the right koalaifications

I once considered going vegetarian

But then I realized it would be a huge missed steak

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I consider myself to be quite a pussy magnet

Now if I can just figure out how to change the polarity.

Can we dissect a classic joke??

I was driving through a rural area this afternoon when a chicken began to cross the road.

I chuckled at the little clucker and began to recite the classic joke in my head...

"Why did the chicken cross the road??"

I arrived at a predictable reaction; "this is a boring joke...it's...

Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the world?

Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.

You will never ever hear A HINDU tell YO MAMMA JOKE

BEcause we consider cows to sacred.

Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.

Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."

OJ Simpson was being interviewed the other day. The reporter asked if he'd considered getting married again.

OJ said he had thought about taking another stab at it.

My husband was out of town for work and I was left to tend to myself...

He asked me not to call during working hours unless it was an emergency, but I wasn't sure what car trouble would be considered. I took a chance and when he picked up he sounded very worried. I told him it was the car, and that I believed there was water in the carburetor. His tone changed to sarcas...

I'm considering becoming a mind reader..

What are your thoughts?

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An obituary

Sad news: It is with great sadness that we report the passing of the Pillsbury Doughboy. The cause of his death was from a yeast infection and trauma from repeated pokes in his belly.
Doughboy was buried in a greased coffin, with the gravesite piled high with flours.
Dozens of celebrit...

I had to really consider my boyfriend’s proposal before giving an answer.

On one hand, I’d get a really nice ring.

On the other hand, I wouldn’t.

If the number 666 is considered evil

..is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.


In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs...

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "things are great, and I've never felt better! I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that, doc?"
The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story...

My wife and I got married on the same day as the Kentucky Derby. I remember it because I was considering betting my life’s savings on this one Filly.

...

I also considered putting money on the derby.

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Do you know why Saturday and Sunday are considered strong days?

Because the rest are weak days

People with fogged up glasses from wearing a mask: have you considered using a monocle?

It only fogs up half as much.

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot with a sign on the cage that said $50

‘Why so little?’ she asked the pet store owner.
The pet store owner looked at her and said ‘Look, I should tell you first this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.’
The woman thought about it and decided to have the bird anyway.
She to...

I told my colleague to stay positive…

…which, in hindsight, would be unhelpful considering he has COVID.

Since breaking up with my girlfriend, my dad has been there to offer me plenty of life advice.

Which is rich coming from him, considering he was dating my girlfriend.

Why are bassists considered cowardly?

Because they disappear at the first sign of treble.

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Women who study abroad are considered "cultured" and "internationally minded"

I study a broad and suddenly I'm a "sex offender".

Alabama has reported more deaths than births for the first time in it's history

Makes sense considering family get togethers have been restricted

A lot of people consider me to be the margarine of comedy.

I tell a joke and they can’t believe it’s not better.

I’ve always loved farming, and farmers are some of the most loving people.

There has always been an innate desire in me, and I believe in all humans, to begin farming at some level. From being outside to doing labor where your mind can wander into different places, I love it.

I have never considered myself a big animal person, but I’ve fallen in love with horses, s...

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they
decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but
they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road....

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OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet.

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.


The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'


The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and ...

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When the Rock has an orgasm...

would it be considered a landslide or a geyser?

Cowboy Insurance

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.


"Ever have an accident?"


"Nope, nary a one."


"None? You've never had any accidents."


"Nope. Ain't had one. Never."


"Well, ...

US Postal Service was considering a new Trump postage stamp...

But in the early focus-group testing, most people were spitting on the wrong side causing the stamp not to stick to the envelopes.

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

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So my wife was complaining to me about how little men listen to women.

I told her that I could prove even random men listened to her better than women. Sure that her opinion would prevail, she happily went with me to the mall where we could find the most people.



After asking a question to 5 men and 5 women, all of the men answered immediately. All of th...

My dad's star sign was cancer which is ironic considering how he died

He was attacked by a giant crab

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When the tyrant had a massive phallic watercraft commissioned to be made from potatoes he didn't really consider its seaworthiness.

His dick tater ship didnt last very long.

Steve sees an ad for hiring a music producer.

The ad reads: "MUSIC PRODUCER WANTED! Must be able to play piano, type 40 words a minute, and be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer!" So he decides to go apply for the job.

The hiring manager is pleased with his resume but says, "Well your resume looks good, but I have to admit S...

Russia is considering banning the internet for most people, replacing it with a limited Russian propaganda version...

It will be called the InterNYET.

Is it still considered Fisting if they have no fingers?

Really had me stumped the other day.

4 former US Presidents are caught in a tornado

Four former U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ.

After trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter...

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A detachment of US Marines are conducting jungle warfare training in the Congo, and one night around the campfire, the Congolese troops they're training with tell the Marines the tale of a cave in the middle of the jungle, filled with golden treasure but guarded by a fearsome monster.

According to the local soldiers, the cave is filled with the treasures of an ancient African king, but a sorcerer used his arcane powers to create an unholy creature to guard it. She was formed from a mix of human, gorilla, chimpanzee, and baboon, and stands seven feet tall, enormously strong. She h...

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Here's a NSFW: I asked my GF if she would consider masturbating with fruit.

She went fucking bananas.

Not to brag, but I consider myself as a mix between Rambo and Einstein...

...I have Rambo's intelligence and Einstein's muscles.

Why are all ghosts considered alcoholics?

Because they bring Boos everywhere they go!

Whoever came up with the name “testes” missed a great opportunity

Considering that women have ovaries, they definitely should have been called underies

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Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist....

Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist who was, in 1792, considered one of the country’s chief ornithologists. Credited with discovering and describing over 200 different bird species, he spent most of his life hopping from island to island, describing the wildlife, and moving to...

I consider myself a musician

I can finger A minor

If you're feeling unattractive, consider buying a wig.

It's a look that anyone can pull off.

The NFL is considering having their teams play to empty stadiums and no fans.

The Lions have been preparing for this their whole lives.

I was considering telling you my time travel joke.

but you didn’t like it.

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I finally get why Trump considers himself a stable genius.

Because he’s the best at shoveling horse shit.

Why are communists considered left?

Because they can't do anything right

What is considered the tallest building in the world?

The library, because it has so many stories

Why is every ship, boat or raft being considered a she and why are they named female names?

Because it takes a lot of effort to make them look good.

Condoms cannot be considered safe

A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a car.

I always considered fishing to be boring.

But then I got hooked.

Everyone likes to laugh at other people's inability with numbers. However, 45% of people consider themselves bad at math, every twentieth member of the population hates decimals, 1 out of 5 people can't do mental arithmetic and 3/10 can't do fractions without a calculator.

Yet only one in a hundred find this funny.

I consider myself cosmopolitan

That is, I’m full of vodka and cranberry juice.

Jesus's robes

Jesus is wandering around Jerusalem when he decides he really needs a new robe. After looking around, he sees a sign for "Finkelstein, the Tailor." He goes in and Finkelstein prepares a new robe for him which is a perfect fit.

When he asks how much he owes, Finkelstein brushes him off. "No, n...

I honestly hate how a person who donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donated 4 and I’m somehow a criminal

Back in the days... (long)

Back in the days, on a beautiful spring day, a farmer had led his cow to a small stream next to a green, lush meadow. The animal happily guzzles some water, while the farmer milks her. Two engineers come hiking down the path that follows the stream.

"Excuse me, sir", says one, "what are you d...

A man asks his fiancee to get married...

She happily accepts his proposal, but he sets out a clear condition if they're to marry.

"I have a closet at the end of the hall, and I keep it locked. That is my personal space and I don't want anyone, including my wife, to ever enter. Can you agree to that?"

She thinks his request a ...

I consider myself lucky, I celebrate Valentine's Day every year

My name is Valentine

I consider myself very lucky...There are like thousands of women out there waiting to screw me

...over.

I'm considering taking a position to translate old Mongolian poetry

The job has its Prose and Kahns

Some consider Romeo and Juliet a tale of true romantic love...

But only if you consider 2 underage kids in a relationship that lasted 3 days causing 2 suicides and 3 murders romantic...

I don't know why people hate Communism; In fact, I wrote a nice poem about it!

*H*appiness all around
*E*veryone is free
*L*ove fills the air
*P*eople are unbound

*M*aybe you should consider
*E*quality for All

If you want to know more, just send a letter to me. If I don't reply soon, I might be away *intermittent*ly on a nice *camp*ing trip ...

Dave and Betty.....

Dave and Betty were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while walking past the hospital swimming pool, Dave jumped into the deep end and starting drowning.

Betty promptly jumped in to save him, swam to the bottom and pulled Dave out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Betty'...

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