This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I consider myself to be quite a pussy magnet

Now if I can just figure out how to change the polarity.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I generally consider myself a modest and humble person.

It's what makes me so fucking awesome.

A job applicant was asked, “What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?”

“Well,” he began, “my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality—telling what’s real from what’s not.”

“Okay,” said the interviewer. “And what about your strengths?”

“I’m Batman.”

When someone says, "You are the last person on my list I would want to hurt!" there are two things to consider...

They already have a list and you are on it...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Zoo keeper says to Paddy. "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for £500? Paddy replies, I will on 3 conditions: 1st I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd my family must never know.

3rd i'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together.

I consider myself somewhat of a chick magnet.

I just have trouble changing the polarity.

Getting married is great. But, before you do it, there are some things you have to consider.

On one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don't.

Would you ever consider yourself a beautiful gourd?

Because you look smashing, pumpkin.

Not to brag, but I consider myself as a mix between Rambo and Einstein...

...I have Rambo's intelligence and Einstein's muscles.

I wouldn't consider myself a fan of steampunk.

But I will say this, it is undoubtedly the healthiest way to prepare punk.

I consider myself an eggnostic

I just don't think we can know which came first...

Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.

Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."

I'd consider Nihilism,

but does it even matter?

Something to consider if you have a program that keeps crashing.

Maybe it has a drunk Driver?

I think with the recent success of Elon musk’s “not a flamethrower” sales he should consider moving into a different market maybe perfumes

He could call his first brand Elon’s musk

If you ever want a fun vacation, you should consider going to Disneyland Syria

I hear their rides are the bomb

What is something cannibals would consider as a hot potato?

A guy with a fever.

Some consider Romeo and Juliet a tale of true romantic love...

But only if you consider 2 underage kids in a relationship that lasted 3 days causing 2 suicides and 3 murders romantic...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money.

She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.


After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.


The pres...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two irishmen, lost at sea...

Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate.

Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it.

One of them pull out the...

What do 9 out of 10 people consider a good time?

Gang rape.

I asked Dumbo what career options he would pursue, when the circus shut down, and if he would consider interesting opportunities

He said, "I don't know, but I'm all ears"

I just got offered a new position at work that I need to consider.

I got called into my boss's office for standing around too much at work. He said "please take a seat."

I told him I'll have to think about it. While it gives me a lower profile in the company, I'll have a greater comfort level in what I'm doing.

I really don’t understand why people consider alcohol to be a problem.

Chemically speaking, it’s a solution.

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender,

"If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I consider myself a dog person

I love ass in my face

I was going to consider brief units of time

but now I'm having second thoughts.

LPT: When you're about to judge someone or say something bad about someone, consider walking a mile in their shoes first

That way, when you do judge them or say something bad about them, you're already a mile ahead of them... And you have their shoes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jesus sits down one day and considers the high rate of drug abuse that will follow long after his time on earth.

He thinks it is a bit hypocritical of him to condemn them without first trying them himself, so he sends his apostles out to see what drugs they can find.

A couple of days later Jesus hears a knock at the door. “Who is it?”. “Paul.”Jesus opens the door. “What did you bring, Paul?”. “Hashish f...

Imo everyone should consider organ donation

Ahhh actually I've had a change of heart

I think my wife considers me her rainbow.

Or at least, according to her, I'm on the spectrum.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Anyone looking for a job should consider becoming an elephant circumsiser...

... the pay isn't too great, but the tips are enormous!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

Investment Opportunity: You might want to consider getting on board early...

A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

My Buddhist friend was stopped by a Christian

They asked if she would consider following the word of Jesus Christ. She replied, “no thanks, but maybe next time around.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A jew and a goy are seated together in a train compartment. No one else joins them and as the train gets underway, the goy decides to engage the jew in a conversation.

The goy asks the jew all sorts of questions about his religion. The jew patiently answers them all.
Eventually they take out their pack lunches and continue the conversation. The goy asks:

« Why is it you people are so smart? »

The jew thinks about it for a while and responds:
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism.

Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sen...

The Blonde Nun

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.


"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend...

A man's wife accuses him of "testiculating."

"What the hell is 'testiculating?'" the man asks.

Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!"

The man considers this for a moment. "Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?"

"Yes," his wife answers. "Why?"<...

Why I Consider Myself A Jokester

Jokes are much more acceptable in society than moles.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two guys and a girl were marooned on an island

They had everything but they needed sex, so they took turns with the girl every week.
One day, the girl died.
In the first week, the guys were fine.
In the second week, they were not fine and decided to consider alternatives.
In the third week, they threw the body away.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Husband and wife accidentally discover a genie

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Job Interview

Interviewer: "What would you consider one of your strengths?"


Me: "I perform under pressure..."


Interviewer: "Can you get give me an example?"


Me: (deep breath) "Mm ba ba de Um bum ba de Um bu bu ba de PRESSURE, pushing down on me..."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man asks his son to go ask his mother if she would have sex with anyone in the world for $1,000,000...

The boy goes upstairs and asks his mom...

"Hey Mom, would you have sex with anyone in the world for $1,000,000?"

The mother considers it for a moment and then replies "yes, yes I would."

The son comes back and reports to his father as he exclaims "wow dad! Mom said she have se...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend's mom told everyone about her sex change.

He considers himself very transparent.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A handsome priest and a young nun are traveling when their car breaks down...

And they are forced to spend the night in a motel - with only one room left.

The priest, being a gentleman, said, "Due to the circumstances, let's just share the room. I'll sleep on the floor, you can have the bed. I'm sure God will understand".

The nun agrees and they turn off the lig...

Two Jewish boys were in a concentration camp together...

During their time there they became like brothers and when the war ended, they decided that they should live together as such. Many years go by until one of them wins the lottery.

"I can't believe you won the lottery! What are you going to do with all that money?"

"First, I'll buy us a...

Two pirates were aboard the Queen Anne's Revenge discussing the upcoming pirate captain's election

One says to the other: "Arrr matey, I'll give ye my clear glass eye if ye give me yer vote for captain tomorrow."

The other considers the proposal for a moment, then squeezes his fake wooden eye out of its socket, throws it overboard, spits on his hand and offers it to the first pirate.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A college teacher reminds her class of the next day’s final exam.

“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and ask...

A guy goes in to see his doctor...

The doctor evaluates him and says, "I have bad news for you - you have Alzheimer's and you have Cancer".

Shocked, the guy considers for a moment and says, "At least I don't have Alzheimer's."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So three people are sentenced to death by guillotine.

First comes the bartender. The executioner asks if he has any last words, and the bartender exclaims "free drinks for all if God spares me!" The executioner pulls the lever and the blade stops before touching the bartender. The crowd considers this an act of God and successfully demand the bartender...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Some nurses notice that when they give a comatose woman a sponge bath, her heart monitor starts beeping more when they wipe between her legs.

Out of ways to bring this woman out of her coma, the nurses decided to ask her husband if he would consider oral sex with his wife to see if that would help bring her out of her coma.

&#x200B;

He was initially hesitant, but they assured him that the curtains would be closed and no ...

Two men see a woman.

They begin to argue with each other. The first man tells the second man, "she has a great body, but that face is absolutely a game ender. 2/10." The second man considers, and replies. "I see what you might be talking about. But with that body... I could get behind it."

A woman walks into a local diner

The waiter asks "What can I get for you?"

The woman responds "Do you have anything that is cheap, vegetarian, low in calories, low in sodium, and gluten-free"

"Napkins" retorts the waiter.

The woman, annoyed by his sarcasm, responds "Very funny, but I'm actually looking for some...

Three engineers are sitting at a bar and the bartender asks "If God were an engineer what type would he be."

The first engineer says "He'd be a mechanical engineer. Think about all the bones in the human body and well they work together."

The second engineer says "Well, God was most likely an electrical engineer. Consider the human brain and the complexity of the nervous system."

The third ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does a slutty horse wear on its hooves?

Whoreshoes.

Finkelstein and Jesus

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe.

After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for "Finkelstein the Tailor."

So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him. A few days later, wh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man visits a brothel

A man—a salesman to be exact—is driving along an old two lane highway. It’s the worst part of his territory, as it takes him far from home for days on end.

He misses his wife, his tv, his wife, his la-z-boy, and most of all...his wife.

His mind starts to wander as he thinks of his wi...

I am sad, my boyfriend only has one foot

Mom: consider yourself lucky, you father only had 6 inches

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and sees a horse and a barrel full of money...

He asks the bartender “hey man what’s up with the horse and the money?”

Bartender goes “well here’s the deal - you put $5 in the barrel, and if you can make the horse laugh you get all the money.”

Looking at the barrel, the man sees it’s nearly full of $5 bills, so he smiles, walks o...

One day, a couple of politicians were on a campaign trail.

They would drive from city to city in a bus to deliver speeches, have debates and answer questions. Then, one day, the bus didn't reach its intended destination at all. A couple of concerned voters decided to inquire as to where they disappeared to. After following the bus's intended path for a whil...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Pope and Folgers coffee

Folgers manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Folgers official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Folgers is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our d...

[Long] One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage.

One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Zeus is offering a seat in his Pantheon for the first person to complete his trials of strength.

An esteemed hero of all men approaches Olympus and thinks hey, why the hell not. If I lose I may be disappointed, but if I win I will join the legendary Gods of the Pantheon!

So he makes his way to Zeus, excited to see what is in store for him in order to prove his worth to the Gods. Along th...

Apparently 1 out of every 10 Europeans were conceived on an IKEA bed...

Which is crazy when you consider how well lit those places are.

During the Gulf War, a soldier has just arrived in Iraq

Two days after being deployed, he gets asked by his best mate back at home to the mate's best man at his wedding. The soldier quickly agrees, and go to ask his commanding officer for leave.

"Leave? After only two days? You must be mad, to even consider asking me for it. You won't get leave un...

There's a guy looking for a date..

He's a self proclaimed genius, and doesn't even consider a girl if she can't answer his old classic questions. One girl, a ginger, walks up, and he asks, "If a tree falls in the forest, but there is no one around to hear it, does it make a sound?" She couldn't answer, and gave up and left. A brunett...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.

The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that oral sex may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.

30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flat...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

a Homeless guy saw a pretty woman standing on the railing of a bridge determined to kill herself...

immediately he saw his chance, he walked up to her and asked, "Lady, before you end your life, would you consider doing me a favor and have sex with me?" Disgusted and crying the woman replied, "No, of course not you pervert!" the homeless guy said, "Fine, I'll wait at the bottom."

An elderly man goes to his bank to get a loan.

The associate, a long time friend of his, greets him with a hearty handshake and asks him what the loan is for.

The man replies, "Well, I'm getting a mail-order bride, and I'd like to upgrade my ranch for her arrival."

"Well, how old will your bride be?"

"She'll be 23 when she ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple is walking down the street...

When one of them hit the other one butt.

\- ¡Ehi! ¡that was my ass!

\- Well, thats not that bad... consider it might have been not yours...

&#x200B;

(not native english, hope the translation is good enough)

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang
the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby...

Upon arriving, he was asked to sit down as the nurse told him,

“Congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets five big baby boys.”

The Redneck said, “I’m not surprised, I have a penis the size of a fucking chimney.”

The nurse replied, “You might want to consider getting it clea...

A man awakes in his darkened bedroom to find his wife tugging at his elbow

A man awakes in his darkened bedroom to find his wife tugging at his elbow.

"Wha- ... what? What's wrong?" he says blearily. He can barely see her in the dimness.

"Honey ... if I were to die and you remarried ... would you sleep with her in our bed?" she asks him anxiously.

He t...

An Arab is lost in the desert, dying of thirst

As his eyesight begins to fade and he collapses into the ground, his fingers come across a stoppered flask in the sand. Hoping for water, he pops it open, only to see a swirl of smoke issued forth, coalescing into a giant figure.

"My deliverer!" booms the figure. "I am a long imprisoned Djinn...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“This is good!”

Once there was a king. His best friend was a commoner, a man who was the son of one of the royal housekeepers. They were of an age, and had grown up playing together in the palace gardens.

As they grew older, the king found himself more and more impressed with his friend’s ability to always ...

An Old Man and a Young Man are watching a play. The young man having issues with his wife, notices the Old Man staring at him. When he asks what’s wrong, the old man replies:

Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis The Wise? I thought not. It’s not a story the Jedi would tell you. It’s a Sith legend. Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Sith, so powerful and so wise he could use the Force to influence the midichlorians to create life… He had such a knowledge of ...

How does the government remember the difference between Astronomy and Astrology?

Simple.

Just like with "Eco-", you don't consider it a science if it ends with "-logy"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dear Tech Support

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable pro...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is depressed because he was born with half an index finger...

Everyone made fun of him in school and called him Half Finger. Depressed and tired of all the taunting, he decides to commit suicide. He finds the tallest building in his city.

As he’s about to jump, he looks down at the street and sees a man with no arms vigorously dancing. He says to himsel...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Girl is walking along a beach.

She sees a man with no arms and no legs chilling by the water. As she passes him, he begins to cry. She walks over to him.

"What's wrong", she asks.

He replies, "I'm 24, I've got no arms and no legs, and I've never been hugged."

She considers it, bends down, gives him a hug and...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Toothbrush Salesman.

One day, a man with a lisp named Joseph walks into a toothbrush factory. Down on his luck and very desperate, he asks to speak to the manager of the facility, about getting a job as a toothbrush salesman. The manager walks out, and greets Joseph. “Hi there thir, my names Jotheph, and I was curiouth ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Yo Mama's so Stupid......

Now that I've got your attention , I wanna talk to you guys about Psychological factors are responsible for Erectile Dysfunction

Psychological factors are responsible for about 10%-20% of all cases of erectile dysfunction, or ED. It is often a secondary reaction to an underlying physical caus...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny's dad told his teacher that he has a nasty gambling habit...

and he says "Hey, Dad! I'll bet you $5 there's some dogs humping just around this corner!"
Dad considers how likely it would be, and says "You're on, kid!"
Once they get to the corner, they see the dogs going at it and Dad pays up.
So Dad calls Johnnys teacher. "Hey, my kid has this nasty g...

Made this joke up at my great grandmother's house while she was baking today.

One day a baker is trying to sell his bread on the streets but nobody will buy it. He goes home and on the way meets a witch. The witch tells the baker, "I'll make your bread the most special bread in the world! No other bread will be like to bread you make, but you have to pay be 50 gold!"
The b...

When he gets ill, and old man contacts a daughter he hasn't seen in years and convinces her to bring her family to meet him before he dies.

The woman and her son spend the better part of the day with him in the hospital, while her husband spends the day cleaning the old man's house and taking care of various logistical concerns.

When he arrives, he notices that while his wife is quite happy, their son looks miserable, so he pulls...

I was getting a prostate examination when the doctor said "just so you know, this is a digital rectal exam".

"I understand. I know what is involved", I reply.

The doctor elaborates, "Just so you know, this exam will likely cause an erection".

I consider it for a moment and say, "That's fine, I've got it under control. It should be ok".

The doctor replies, "I wasn't talking about you."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There's this young lady looking for a place to stay.

There's this young lady looking for a place to stay. She doesn't know anyone in town so she's browsing the small ads.

All the rooms for rent are way out of her league. She's just a young student and she doesn't have that kind of money. Finally she sees an advert for a room that she thinks she...

You know what sounds fishy?

Fishing fish fishing fish fish fishing fish.


Although fishing fish that are fished are usually fishing fish anyways, it's interesting to consider fishing fish fishing other fishing fish.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boss offered his employee a $1000 for a quickie

He told her that it would be real fast so no one would catch them. He'd throw the money on the floor and it would be over before she stands up.

She was reluctant at first, but it sounded so easy and her desperation was enough to consider it. She called her friend and asked her what she though...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There's a party in the Olympic Village one night...

... and from across the room, a sprinter sees a diver talking to the most beautiful woman that he has ever laid eyes on. Later in the evening, the sprinter approaches the diver to ask about her.

"I just can't get her out of my head!" the sprinter says. "I have to sleep with her! Who is she?"<...

I brought gifts to an orphanage to cheer the kids up

Apparently, blow up dolls are not consider toys especially after they explode.

You'll never hear a Hindu tell a Yo Mamma joke...

They consider cows to be sacred.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"

The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?"

The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."

The golfer looks a...

An engineer, a physician and an economist are in the middle of the desert with only a tin can. [long]

They are starving and far away from civilisation, but they have no way to open it.

The engineer says:
To open the can we need to build this specific machine! It will do the job quickly and efficiently!

The physician and economist mock him:
Yeah, right, we’re in the middle of the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 guys apply for a contractor job...

A Mexican, a Chinese guy, and an Italian. The job boss says to the Mexican, what’s your estimate for the job? The Mexican replies $150,000. He then says to the Chinese guy, what’s your price? The Chinese man says “I get good deal Chinese steel, $100,000”. He then asks the Italian who says, with a st...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A retail store manager calls one of his male employees into his office.

The employee walks in with soaking wet hands.

“I’m sorry sir, but we’re going to have to let you go,” says the manager.

“Seriously?! Why is that?,” the man replies

“Well you use the women’s restroom at least 15 times a day, and many employees and customers have complained abou...

A man walks into a bar. First thing he notices is two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

He sits down at the bar and says "what's with the meat?"

The bartender replies "Ah that's our game. The rules are simple, if you can jump in the air and touch both pieces of meat before your feet touch the floor, everyone else in the bar will buy your drinks for the evening, but if you can't ...

If two white supremacists get a divorce...

Do they still consider each other "cousins"?

HUSBAND WANTED

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man moves to a new neighborhood...

...and after getting settled in, he goes down to the nehborood bar. When he walks in. He sees a fishbowl full of $100 bills on the bar with a note that says “Ask bartender about contest”.

So the guy sits down, orders a beer, and motions towards the fishbowl. He asks the bartender, “So what’s...

An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds...

An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds. He sits down and orders a beer from one hell of a beefy, muscled bartender. He takes a shakey sip from his dark, dark beer, puts it back down, and asks about the lemons as old and shriveled as he is.

"We have a ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION:You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.


You are ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy and his father are sitting at the breakfast table, when the boy looks up and says:

A boy and his father are sitting at the breakfast table when the boy looks up and says:

"Dad, why are they called butterflies?"

The father has no idea, but instead of showing himself ignorant, he replies:

"Because they are big flies that eat butter."

"Do we have any at h...

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp. Intrigued by his discovery, he proceeds to rub the lamp and before his very eyes, a genie appears.

"I have finally been released from my slumber and now I shall grant you three wishes in return. choose wisely!" The genie says.

The man considers his de...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Fast Sex

Dave wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl
in his office. But she was dating someone else. One day Dave got so
frustrated that he went to her and said "I'll give you $100 if you let me
have sex with you."

The girl looked at him and then said, "NO!"
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Long] Hey Pete

A group of friends go to a crowded museum. A bet is set that anyone who slaps that fat bald guy on the back of the head without getting one in return, will have free lunch. One of them, Cal, accepts the challenge. walks up to the guy. gives him a big fuckoff smack in the head and says "hey Pete, wha...

If there are any idiots in the room, stand up...

...said the teacher.

After a while, one student stood up.

"Now then, why do you consider yourself an idiot?"

"Well, actually I don't" said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."