If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning

Imagine how surprised he must have been.

My friends Goldfish died the other day So I surprised her and got her an identical one!

She was furious saying “what am I supposed to do with two dead goldfish?”

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The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

God told Jesus he had to die for ours sins and you’d be surprised at his reaction.

He became cross.

People always ask who my psychiatrist is because I’ve been really happy lately but they’re surprised when I say he’s Spanish

No one expects the Spanish shrink decision

Americans were incredibly surprised to hear that Beto O’Rourke...

was running for President.

What did the bodybuilder say when he was surprised there was no protein?

No whey!

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

What do you call a surprised philosopher

Shockrates

A man hears a knock at his door, and is surprised to see

a polar bear standing before him.

"Hi," says the white bear, "I'm the bear of good news. A distant relative of yours passed away a while ago, but it turns out he entrusted a large fortune to you in his will."

"Great," says the man. "Thanks for the good news."

Later, the man hear...

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.


The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, li...

I was writing an exam. The invigilator came beside me. He was surprised to see my answer sheet blank.

Invigilator:Why is your answer sheet blank?

Me:Sometimes silence is the best answer.

My friend told me her husband surprised her with a dozen roses.

My friend told me her husband surprised her with a dozen roses.


She complained, “Now I’m going to have to spend all weekend on my back with my legs in the air.”


So I asked, “why don’t you just buy a vase?”

I am surprised I didn't get any upvotes on the joke about a spine that I posted recently.

It was about a week back.

Beyonce was just telling me the best way to source product for my new pillow-making side-hustle. I was very surprised when she suggested punching a duck in the face.

I replied - I didn't know you could get down like that.

I was recently surprised to hear from the doctor that i was colour blind!

It was so sudden! It came right out of the purple!

Marie Antoinette was surprised when she found out how she was being executed

Her Face dropped

Why was the Loch Ness monster so surprised when she got a love letter from her crush?

She thought he didn’t even know she existed!

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.

…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.

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My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “Wha...

A tourist visiting Ireland went out for dinner when it came to deserts he was surprised to see “Brexit” listed on the menu so he asked a waitress what it was

She replied oh that’s an “Eton Mess”

I wasn't surprised Epstein killed himself when he had so many years left ahead...

...after all, he was well known for wanting to do a lot of things earlier than he should.

I was surprised to find that "Trailer Park Barbie" doesn't come with bruising on her body

Then I realized battery not included

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I was surprised when my son defended me after I told everyone I had to start taking Viagra...

The little guy actually stuck up for me.

I surprised my girlfriend at work this morning

Came up behind her and kissed her on the neck.

She laughed and said “Mike stop you know we’re at work.”

My name is Brandon.

Whenever I'm asked "What happened in 1492?", people are always surprised by my answer.

Nobody expects "The Spanish Inquisition".

A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

I was surprised to learn the most common method of suicide in France was throwing a toaster in a bathtub filled with cheese enzymes.

It was quite a culture shock.

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Why was the blind man surprised his dog had sex?

He didn't see it coming.

Im surprised that Roy Moore wants a recount; a large gap in numbers had never bothered him before.

Get it?



Edit: I'm not removing the "Get it?" Part.

Thicc Sauce is Andre Segers

Another Edit: thanks for making "Get It" a meme <3

I was surprised when the coffee I ordered tasted just like mud.

The barista told me it was fresh ground.

The bears who died and turned into skin carpets were probably surprised when it happened.

Their jaws dropped on the floor.

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’.

I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

As the foreman was inspecting the workmen on site, he was surprised to find one worker hanging from a rope in the middle of the room repeating, "I'm a chandelier, I'm a chandelier."

The foreman gives him a stern talking-to as the other men watch, and then orders him back to work.

During his next inspection of the same room, again the worker is hanging from the rope doing exactly what he was told not to.

Furious at his disobedience the foreman fires him on the spot...

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Gambler gets a notice from IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says:

"The reason for your audit is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle, but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do fo...

Heartbreaking

Dallas Morning News - A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with chil...

What do Indians say when they are surprised?

Holy cow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist told me that I have extreme difficulty in vocalizing my emotions.

Can’t say that I’m surprised.

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(NSFW) No one was too upset about being on a flight with two female pilots, just a little surprised...

None of them had ever seen a plane with three cockpits before.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wasn’t surprised when my son told me had a boyfriend.

No wonder his dick had started to taste like shit!

Peter is invited to dinner with his girlfriend's family.

Before dinner, Peter goes into a Pharmacy says to the pharmacist "Hello, could you give me a Condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may have a shot". The Pharmacist gives him the condom.

As he was exiting, he stepped back in to the Pharmacy and said ”Give me anot...

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Tommy replied, “Well, then j...

A husband comes home with a cat as a surprise to cheer up his wife who's been depressed lately since her mother passed away...

The cat was sneaking around the kitchen and knocked over some canned beans in the process. This made quite a bit of noise so when the wife went to the kitchen to investigate, she was pleasantly surprised to see that the cat was out of the bag and that she had spilled the beans.

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A lawyer was driving more than 120 miles per hour when he was stopped by a traffic cop.

"You were beyond the speed allowed. License and registration please." - said the officer.

"Well, it's expired." said the lawyer

"Documents of the vehicle please" - said the officer

"This is not my car."

"Please sir, open the glove compartment."

"I can't, there's a ...

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WWII as a bar fight...

I made a bar fight for WWI in honor of the 101 anniversary of its end, and someone requested one for the sequel. So here it is.

Germany went into a deep depression after his defeat in the last fight. His bar tab from his enemies' victory drink was crushing. He started hitting the gym, and wan...

I told my friend that she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised.

Many people are surprised by the engagement of Serena Williams and Alexis Ohanian, but not me.

If I founded reddit I'd be searching for better servers too.

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are...

My dad always said to "fight fire with fire."

We weren't very surprised when he got fired from the fire department...

Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his studio

The burglar got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.

I was very surprised when the police knocked on my door and wanted to interview me

Especially as I never applied.

I was surprised when Buzzfeed laid of their journalists

I didn't even know they had journalists!

My local barber got arrested for selling cocaine. This surprised me, since I have been a customer of him for years now, and i'd never known...

...that he was a barber.

Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

I was surprised when my boss told me that our company was bought by a millionaire from Barcelona.

Nobody expects the Spanish acquisition

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A Man Walks Into a Tattoo Shop Asking for $100 bill on penis

A man walks into a tattoo shop and asks to get $100 bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist is surprised and intrigued by this request. "Uh, are you sure about this sir?"

"Yes, I'm sure and I'm willing to pay whatever."

"Ok. May I ask why this particular tattoo in this particul...

A real estate investor was surprised to see all of his houses had been broken into. After all, he is the world’s best theft detective.

If there’s one thing he does best , it’s that he Sherlocks Holmes

What do Redditors and surprised bomb disposal experts have in common?

Edit: Wow, this blew up!

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was driving on the freeway when he saw a sign that said "Whistle Blowjobs - 10 miles"

" whistle blowjobs?" He thought to himself, wondering what that was all about.

"They suck your dick while they whistle? That's impossible!"

Then he passed another sign: "Whistle Blowjobs - 5 miles"

And another: "Whistle Blowjobs - 1 mile"

At this time he was so curious...

I wasn’t surprised when my artifact from an ancient Asian ship broke.

Piece of junk was made in China.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My local French boulangerie owner was accused of bestiality, but I'm not surprised.

He was such a pain in the ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Hell of a Headache

Steve had suffered from blinding headaches for many years, since his late teens. He decided to try one last time to remedy his situation, and went to see a headache specialist.

The doctor said, "Good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have ...

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher wants to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from sch...

A Frenchman, an Argentine, and a Brazilian were publicly drinking in Russia during the 2018 World Cup.

But that is prohibited there, so they were captured by the police and taken to court.



The judge said that as the country was celebrating, they would take only 20 lashes, with the right to have a wish That wasn't be escape the punishment.



The Frenchman was the first, the...

There was once an angel who was very happy with life because she was very beautiful and she always got to wear pretty, perfect dresses.

One day, when she ran out of clothes to wear, she decided to wash them. When she took her dresses out of the washing machine, she noticed several small pieces of fibre were just stuck randomly on her pieces of dressing.

This incident absolutely traumatized her. She was always known for how pe...

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

A game show host is talking to a rabbit

The host looks at his question card. "Okay, here is your first question: What is 7 plus 5?"

"Twelve", replied the rabbit.

"That's correct! Now for question 2: What is 56 minus 37?"

The rabbit thought for a moment. "Nineteen"

"That's correct! Okay, now here is your grand p...

A yoga instructor ends every class with a mediation, allowing people lay down and relax before slowly filing out for the night. A half hour passes and the instructor is surprised to see one man remain in her studio.

Annoyed, she walks over to him and asks if he plans on leaving anytime soon .
The man takes a deep, meditative breath and calmly replies, “Nah, Imma stay”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lot of people seem surprised when I tell them I regularly have sex with my boss

One of the many perks of self employment.

I surprised my twin today.

You should have seen my face.

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base ...

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Donald Trump sits next to a little girl on Air Force one

Donald Trump sits next to a little girl on Air Force One (a daughter of one of his staff). He turns to her and says, 'Let's talk- I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger'. The little girl, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and ask...

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A kid is sitting on a bench, eating candy bars

When a man walks over and sits down on the bench next to the kid. He looks over with a disgusted look and says,

“You know kid, you’re gonna die really young if you eat that many chocolate bars.”

To which the kid replies, “Oh, well my grandpa lived to be 105.”

Surprised, the man...

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing u...

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in chu...

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