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The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

I was recently surprised to hear from the doctor that i was colour blind!

It was so sudden! It came right out of the purple!

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Why was the blind man surprised his dog had sex?

He didn't see it coming.

I am surprised I didn't get any upvotes on the joke about a spine that I posted recently.

It was about a week back.

I surprised my girlfriend at work this morning

Came up behind her and kissed her on the neck.

She laughed and said “Mike stop you know we’re at work.”

My name is Brandon.

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.

…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.

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My wife surprised me with sexy lingerie.

I should have locked the door.

I was surprised when the coffee I ordered tasted just like mud.

The barista told me it was fresh ground.

The bears who died and turned into skin carpets were probably surprised when it happened.

Their jaws dropped on the floor.

As the foreman was inspecting the workmen on site, he was surprised to find one worker hanging from a rope in the middle of the room repeating, "I'm a chandelier, I'm a chandelier."

The foreman gives him a stern talking-to as the other men watch, and then orders him back to work.

During his next inspection of the same room, again the worker is hanging from the rope doing exactly what he was told not to.

Furious at his disobedience the foreman fires him on the spot...

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’.

I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

Whenever I'm asked "What happened in 1492?", people are always surprised by my answer.

Nobody expects "The Spanish Inquisition".

I was surprised to learn the most common method of suicide in France was throwing a toaster in a bathtub filled with cheese enzymes.

It was quite a culture shock.

I was surprised to find that "Trailer Park Barbie" doesn't come with bruising on her body

Then I realized battery not included

What do Indians say when they are surprised?

Holy cow

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(NSFW) No one was too upset about being on a flight with two female pilots, just a little surprised...

None of them had ever seen a plane with three cockpits before.

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I wasn’t surprised when my son told me had a boyfriend.

No wonder his dick had started to taste like shit!

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Difference between surprised and flabbergasted

You're surprised when your father catches you jerking off to porn
You're flabbergasted when he starts to jerk off with you

Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his studio

The burglar got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.

I was very surprised when the police knocked on my door and wanted to interview me

Especially as I never applied.

A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

Im surprised that Roy Moore wants a recount; a large gap in numbers had never bothered him before.

Get it?



Edit: I'm not removing the "Get it?" Part.

Thicc Sauce is Andre Segers

Another Edit: thanks for making "Get It" a meme <3

What do Redditors and surprised bomb disposal experts have in common?

Edit: Wow, this blew up!

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high

She seemed surprised.

My local French boulangerie owner was accused of bestiality, but I'm not surprised.

He was such a pain in the ass.

I was surprised when my boss told me that our company was bought by a millionaire from Barcelona.

Nobody expects the Spanish acquisition

I surprised my twin today.

You should have seen my face.

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The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he fucked her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?”
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. “No.”
Surp...

A yoga instructor ends every class with a mediation, allowing people lay down and relax before slowly filing out for the night. A half hour passes and the instructor is surprised to see one man remain in her studio.

Annoyed, she walks over to him and asks if he plans on leaving anytime soon .
The man takes a deep, meditative breath and calmly replies, “Nah, Imma stay”.

I wasn’t surprised when my artifact from an ancient Asian ship broke.

Piece of junk was made in China.

I woke up this morning and was surprised to find a huge box of LEGO blocks sitting on my front porch.

I have no idea what to make of it.

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I was really surprised to find that my mirror could talk

It said, “you really are fucking lonely aren’t you”

I was surprised when Buzzfeed laid of their journalists

I didn't even know they had journalists!

We went to a fancy restaurant yesterday and I surprised everyone by ordering in perfect French

It was a Chinese restaurant

People always act surprised when I say that I swing both ways...

I don't get what's so surprising about being good at baseball.

Many people are surprised by the engagement of Serena Williams and Alexis Ohanian, but not me.

If I founded reddit I'd be searching for better servers too.

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What did one surprised constipated person say to the other?

No shit!!!

I am surprised how little people change.

Actually it’s the same, but with tinier clothes.

What did the man say when his wife surprised him with three potable drinking reservoirs?

Well, well, well.

What did he say when one of them stopped working?

Oh, well.

What did he say when the other two flooded the yard?

Damn.

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A lot of people seem surprised when I tell them I regularly have sex with my boss

One of the many perks of self employment.

I was using smoke signals and was surprised by who responded

Some firemen

My friends surprised me with a massage for my bachelor party today.

I was really touched

My local barber got arrested for selling cocaine. This surprised me, since I have been a customer of him for years now, and i'd never known...

...that he was a barber.

When Mary had a baby boy, the wise men weren't surprised...

...but you should have seen their eyes when she had the little lamb.

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The birdwatcher was not surprised to see a boy masturbating.

He saw that kid coming a mile away.

The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires. She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"

I responded, "Inflation."

My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves...

Looks like the boa cons tricked her...

A Catholic priest is surprised by a bear in the forrest

The bear charges him and the priest quickly says a prayer,"Lord, please let this be a nice, Christian bear!"

The bear scoops him up in his arms and quietly speaks, "Lord bless this meal that I am about to receive, amen"

My personal trainer in Moscow surprised me by making me do a weird turning movement while holding a medicine ball.

I guess you can say it was a Russian Twist.

She's single... lives right across the street and I can see her place from my kitchen window! I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door!

I opened the door, she looked at me and said: “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to go dancing and drinking, and maybe fool around a little....you know, have some fun. Are you doing anything tonight?"  I quickly replied: "Nope, I'm free!" - "Great!" She said.   “Can you look after my dog...

My company got bought out by a Madrid based firm today. Everyone seemed surprised.

Nobody expects the Spanish Acquisition

I’m surprised the University of Alabama doesn’t offer a major in archaeology.

I heard they are really into relative dating out there.

I was surprised to fail No Nut November this early and with a broken hand too.

It’s just hard to grip.

I was surprised when a friend said he'll work at KFC right after graduation..

Out of curiosity, I asked him why.



All he said was, "It's on my bucket list."

Amongst the usual queue of studded leather, chained piercings and rubber appendages, the S&M club doorman was surprised to see a bespectacled man in a shirt and tie standing patiently, a calculator in one hand. "Who are you, are you lost?" asked the doorman.

"Oh, I'm the statistician" came the reply.

"Then...what are you here for?"

With an unsettling grin, the statistician produced a pencil from his back pocket.
"Just standard deviation."

My friend was surprised when I said I hadn't heard about the kids in Thailand being rescued

Where have you been? Living in a cave?

I had a dream my family surprised me with an intervention.

It was a good wake-up call.

I don't understand why everyone is surprised that the religious right is okay with racism

Every church I've ever gone to has told me Jesus is a white cracker.

When my grandfather passed away, we were surprised

. . . to discover a small locked box in his closet. No one in the family had ever seen it before and no one could provide any guess as to what it might contain. Curiosity eventually overtook us and we brought the box to a locksmith to be opened. Inside were some trophies, many small discs and a c...

I surprised my friend with a brand new car, it really took his breath away

He never saw it coming

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After discovering that Kevin Spacey is a sexual predator, I would be surprised to see him get any work in the future.

Unless he runs for President of the United States.

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my f...

My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog.

She was furious, she said "what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

I was a bit surprised that my wife just assumed that I am alright with circumcising our child

I mean we don't even know for sure that it will be a girl...

When Mary had a little lamb, The doctor was surprised.

But when Old MacDonald had a farm, The doctor nearly died.

I'm surprised there are so many anti-vax politicians in America

Because most American politicians don't seem to care if kids get shot.

I'm surprised the FBI isn't monitoring r/guitar

Everyone is always talking about fingering minors over there

I surprised my girlfriend when I made her breakfast in bed

Too bad I had to eat alone.

People always act surprised when I tell them my tattoo artist was Spanish.

No one ever expects the Spanish ink precision

A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning. The surprised girl said, “What was that?”

The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”

The girl slapped him soundly.

“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.

“Customer feedback.”

No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II.

I mean, there were red flags everywhere.

Why was the blind woman surprised to find out she was pregnant? [NSFW]

She didn't see it cumming.

I met a vegan magician the other night who surprised everyone by making guacamole appear from thin air.

Avocadabra.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When my office said they needed headshots, I was surprised when a Navy SEAL sniper came in...

...and asked me to take my penis out for an up close photo.

People are surprised when I tell them that I have a 4.0GPA while working and maintaining an active social life

But hey, anything is possible if you lie.

Americans shouldn't be surprised that Trump sided with Putin

because that's what you get for putting a KGB agent up against a KFC agent.

Johnny's dad was fat, and his son's friend was surprised

He whispered to Johnny:" Hey, your dad's a little on the heavy side."

Johnny snorted. "He's heavy on every side!"

I was surprised to learn what Princess Diana died from.

It was car-pole-tunnel syndrome.

My ex-girlfriend says she has a stalker. I have to say I'm surprised.

In all the time I've spent hanging around her house, hiding in the bushes, watching her come and go...I've never seen any signs of a stalker.

I was so surprised

when I found out the stationary store moved.

I was surprised when I heard about the flooding in Paris...

...normally, the water is l'eau.

Everyone's so surprised about Facebook stealing their data. But not me...

...I saw the writing on the wall.

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

[Political] I'm surprised Trump hasn't banned the sale of shredded cheese yet.

He said he would "Make America Grate Again"
(Sorry, that was a cheesy joke)

A wife is surprised to see her husband home early.

She says to him "Wow honey, you're home early."

He replies "Yeah. My boss told me to go to hell."

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for ...

People were surprised I wasn’t crying at my dads funeral,

But what can I say,

I’m not a mourning person.

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A Man Walks Into a Tattoo Shop Asking for $100 bill on penis

A man walks into a tattoo shop and asks to get $100 bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist is surprised and intrigued by this request. "Uh, are you sure about this sir?"

"Yes, I'm sure and I'm willing to pay whatever."

"Ok. May I ask why this particular tattoo in this particul...

I'm surprised so many people stand up against vaccinating their kids.

I thought the Polio would have prevented that.

I just read a list of "100 Things To Do Before You Die".

I was pretty surprised that "yell for help" wasn't one of them.

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

Why is India surprised by the Brexit vote?

They didn't know you could get Britain to leave by voting.

As an aspiring actor, I was somewhat surprised when I got detained by airport security today...

All I said was that I was in town to shoot a pilot...

We surprised my brother with a board game for his birthday

And he didn’t have a clue!

What do programmers say when surprised?

“By Java!”






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