Would you remarry?

Out of the blue, a woman asked her husband, "if I die, will you remarry?"

"You're not gonna die."

"But what if I do? Everybody dies eventually. Answer the question."

"Well, in theory, I suppose I could get married again, yes."

The woman gasps in disbelief. "Well! Who woul...

Guy goes to a costume party dressed in a Speedo with a potato in the front. He knocks on the door of the party and the host says what are you suppose to be?

He says, “I’m a dictator”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to a costume party wearing only underpants The host says "What are you supposed to be?"

The guy replies "I'm a premature ejaculation. I just came in my underwear."

If everybody is a little bit racist... I suppose I hate the relay race the most. I feel like it's unfair they're teaming up on me.

And what the f*** do they have on me there passing that baton

My stomach looks exactly like it's supposed to ...

It's abnormal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school...

A supposedly true story

One day, in Great Britain, two Muslim schoolgirls were chatting away to each other in a foreign language on a public bus. The man sitting in front of them turned around and said, "This is England. Speak English." The woman in front of him turned around and said, "Actually, this is Wales and they're ...

I suppose you can call me a leftist...

Because I can’t do anything right.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane.

He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman...

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery...

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do?

Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!

The Easter Bunny walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "I suppose you want a White Rabbit." The Easter Bunny says,

"I don't care, just give me something hoppy."

I'm not saying you will down vote this, nor I will say you will upvote it…

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two inte...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend called me the other day.

When I answered he told me that he met a hot girl that wanted a threesome with two guys and wanted me to help him out.

"I don't know," I replied, "I've got a lot going on right now."

After him begging me and telling me how hot the girl was for about 20 minutes, I finally agreed to it. ...

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor you’ve got to help me. I’ve been stung by a bee.”

"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house."
<...

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset.

she screamed at me and said "what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call something that you're not supposed to ask during sex?

A stupid fucking question.

My 9 year old son has started asking awkward questions about the human body...

I suppose the freezer wasn't the best place to hide it.

An elderly lady calls her neighbor and says,

"Please come over and help me. I have a puzzle and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's done?"

The little silver-haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

He decides to go over and help ...

Police stops a man and says, "You're supposed to be wearing glasses"

Man: I have contacts.

Policeman: I don't give a damn who you know.

When he was a teenager, little Johnny’s father caught him reading one of his older sister’s magazines. “Son, why are you reading that sissy magazine?” he asked.

“There’s an article that tells women where to meet men,” Johnny responded, pointing to the magazine’s cover. “I need to know where I’m supposed to be.”

They say if you get stung by a jellyfish, you're supposed to pee on it.

But I'm just not that vindictive.

A wife is complaining about her husband spending all his time at the local tavern, so one night he takes her along with him.

"What'll ya have?" he asks.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replies.

So the husband orders a couple of Jack Daniels and gulps his down in one go.

His wife watches him, then takes a sip from her glass and immediately spits it out.

"Yuck! It tastes awful...

I was offered a good hot time today by a hot 21 year old redhead

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I said no as I have high moral standards and very strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in scented lemon or vanilla.

Grandma and the Bible.

Every time a little boy went to a playmate’s house, he found the friend’s grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally his curiosity got the better of him.



“Why do you suppose your grandmother reads the Bible so much?” he asked.



“I’m not sure,” said his friend, “b...

If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened

Noble gases should have no reaction

Three guys die and Saint Peter greets them at the Golden Gate.

He tells them, "How faithful you were to your wife will determine what kind of car you drive across the Golden Bridge to heaven."
First guy says, "I was married 10 years and only cheated three times."
Saint Peter says, "That's OK I suppose. Here, take this older model pick-up truck." ...

We were supposed to get rain today, but it blew out to the ocean

It was a real mist opportunity

My local doctor's office had a power outage just as I was supposed to have my vaccine. I asked if I could have it anyway, on the off chance they might still let me.

Well, it was a shot in the dark.

A guy comes home with a bouquet of flowers

His wife says “I suppose I have to spread my legs now”

“Why?” the guy asks, “don’t you have a vase?”

For my chemistry homework, I was supposed to write a thousand words on acid.

I tried, but my pen turned into a rainbow-coloured giraffe and then the desk melted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of Norm Macdonald, here is my favorite joke of his.

There was a fella, a little boy in school named Dirty Johnny. He'd always be a hellion in class and the teacher didn't think much of him.

So the teacher has an in-class project, and she says "Now this is what you're gonna do here, class. I want you to stand up, and tell the class a story fro...

"I really don't know which kid I'm supposedly being unfair to, according to my wife,

Thomas, Anton, or the fat, ugly one?"

I suppose the one good thing about having Alzheimer's..

..is I get to laugh at all these great, original, witty Jokes on here...every day !!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of kids from a poor small town...

They are in the 4th grade. They have nothing to do after school so they decide to see who's got the biggest dick. There's a little white boy, black boy, Asian, and a Hispanic. Long story short, they come to the conclusion that the black boy has the biggest dick In the fourth grade. He runs home and ...

What do you suppose Beethoven is doing these days?

Decomposing.

This guy born in the 50's called me to ask me the name of that toy that's supposed to come back to you

The boomer rang

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept...

I’m not supposed to say anything, but you all deserve to know....

Hey,  So heads up.... I wasn’t allowed to say anything until today, but it's now okay for me to share that I volunteered for the Covid-19 vaccine from Pfizer. The vaccine is the one that has been developed in Russia. It is in 6 different stages and I received my first dose earlier this morning 09:20...

My wife asked me which one of her friends would I prefer for a threesome.

I was supposed to stop at one, it seems ..

The Superbowl ticket

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes his seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field!


About halfway through the first quarter Bob...

A man finds a genie in a bottle

He rubs it. A genie pops out "you have two wishes"

The guy says "hold up, aren't I supposed to get three wishes?"

the genie replies "Check your pants"

The guy looks down his pants, and slightly surprised, says "how did you know?"

Genie says "I've been doin this a while."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was supposed to do a talk at a premature ejaculation support group meeting, but the building was closed.

They must have all arrived early.

A boy comes home from a strip club to find his mother waiting for him

Already aware of what her son had been doing, she asks, “And what did you see, young man?”

“Something I wasn’t supposed to.”

“Oh? Your father?”

“No, your mother.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband comes home to his wife after being fired from the pickle factory...

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to s...

Q:Why don't blood cells preach the gospel? A: because you aren't supposed to take the lord's name in vein.

Q:Why don't blood cells preach the gospel? A: because you aren't supposed to take the lord's name in vein.

A blind guy, a deaf guy and a disabled guy in a wheelchair pass by a magic lake.

Just for fun, they decide to try out this supposedly miraculous lake. The blind guy stumbles in first and stays around in the water for a while, Then he comes out, bouncing with joy, saying "My sight has returned! I can see now!". The deaf guy went in right after and took a swim. He came out just as...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny draws something beautiful.

The teacher asks the students to draw something beautiful on the chalkboard. The first little girl draws a beach scene with people surfing and laying in the sun. The teacher says that’s beautiful Sally. The next little boy draws a mountain covered in snow with people skiing and drinking hot chocolat...

The Guillotine was supposed to be ahead of its time

It had cutting edge technology

My first job was as a sign spinner for a peep-show. I was supposed to stand on the corner and attract attention by spinning a sign or acting crazy...

...whatever it took to keep the customers cummin'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lie detector

Little Johnny's dad buys a lie detector that slaps you when you lie because little Johnny has been lying to him lately. When his detector arrives he's gets excited and wants to try it out. Little Johnny is supposed to be in his room doing his homework. So Johnny's dad takes the detector and walks in...

What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

Today I went to the post office to mail 20 letters... so I bought 20 stamps...

and the clerk just handed them to me. So I said "Am I supposed to stick all these on myself?"...and she said "No. Stick them on the envelopes.."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s something very weird about this pet shop…

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

Guy dies during operation and goes to heaven

So this guy has surgery and he dies. He was supposed to survive the surgery. So when he goes to heaven Saint Peter says it was a total mistake we're going to send you back but God wanted to talk to you first. So he goes to God and God's talking to him and says how is a mistake. And God says to make ...

An owl walks into a bar, and hops up on a stool. “Pull me a Guiness,” he says.

The bartender is a bit confused because he never had a talking animal in his bar before, but the owl has a little drawstring purse around his neck and puts the money down on the bar. So the bartender pulls him his Guiness, and as he’s handing it to the fellow, he notices that the owl has one wing in...

My girlfriend broke up with me because of my “lack of vocabulary”…

What’s that even supposed to mean?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Psychic's advice

A woman went to a psychic and found out she was going to live to be 100!

She figured if she was going to be around that long, she may as well look her best. She got the works! Face lift, boob job, nose job and looked amazing!

After her final procedure she got hit by a bus and died....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.

I suppose we aren't gonna work out.

the day after halloween, a trick or treater knocked on my door.....

he was dressed in just red tights and a red spandex shirt, red sneakers, red hat.

i said to him, "sorry little buddy, halloween is over, i dont have anything for you today...what are you supposed to be anyway>?"

he said "im a period, sorry im late..scared ya didnt i?"


...

I was supposed to pay $500 for a single chunk of metal

what a steel....

Halloween Joke

Bob thought his new neighbor across the street was strange from the moment he first moved in.  The new neighbor, Jack, was a dorky middle aged white man, who laughed at his own jokes, which he told repeatedly, and only talked about the stupidest stuff, which he always claimed was super popular on Re...

Best joke for ages.

Stevie Wonder went to play a concert in China, and he began by asking if the audience had any requests. They shouted: "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"...

Stevie was a little puzzled, but he responded by playing an E minor scale, and then continued with a complex jazz melody that went o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man comes home visibly irritated.

His wife notices and asks if something is wrong.

He shakes his head.

"C'mon. Talk to me" she says.

He takes a moment to steady himself. "It's just that..." he pauses again, and takes a deep breathe. "Well, first of all, last night when you were telling me about your day?"
...

I get that the “#me too” movement is supposed to be empowering...

But they could’ve picked a better slogan than “PoundMeToo”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Chinese general, an American Officer, and a random drunk asshole sit down in a bar and start to brag.

"If all our bombers were to be airborne at once," says the American, "you wouldn't be able to see any part of the sky".

"Hah" boasts the Chinese General, "if all our soldiers were to march at once, you wouldn't be able to see an inch of the ground."

The situation grows tense, and the d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A general store owner needs some help in sales

So he hires a young farm hand, and explains to him on his first day- "Ya gotta understand the up sell kid" The kid shakes his head, listening intently.

"The next customer that comes in, I'll demonstrate how it's done okay?" again the kid nods.

Just then, a customer walks in, and asks w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is very high and driving home

A cop pulls him over and sees him in his car with the windows closed. The cop knocks on the window and says slowly: "how high are you" and gets no answer, so he does it again, with still no answer. He does it for a third time, and once the cop sops speaking the man goes: "you really fucked that up m...

There was a part in my game where a plane was supposed to fly through but it froze in mid-air because of bad connection.

I guess you could call that Jet Lag.

There was supposed to be a world ending event in 2020

But God just said “Give them a little longer and they’ll do it themselves”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a new stage play was released that was supposed to be the #1 comedy of the year.

Unfortunately from the get go it had poor reviews frequently stating that it just wasn't that funny. The writer of the script was at a loss and was getting ready to cancel the show when his friend called.

He told him he had just watched the show and true to the reviews it was pretty terrible...

One of my older friends called me the other day

He was born in the 50's and his grandson's birthday was coming up.

He was planning on getting him one of those toys that are supposed to always come back. He couldn't remember what it was called, so I reminded him.

Long story short, the boomer rang.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Ancient Greece, a warrior struggles to sort his disciples.

Seeing as he didn’t have the privilege of Roman numerals and didn’t know how to count, he decided to use the ol’ Shepard boy sorts-sheep-by-amount-of-pebbles method, but with a twist. As such, he matches the soldiers in pairs of two based on appearances or, if they sounded similar, by names.

...

A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study Maid: "I'd like a raise."

Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?

Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband.Third, I'm better in ...

The Halloween costume

A guy dressed in regular street clothes walks into a bar on Halloween and orders a beer. "I'm here for the costume party," he tells the bartender. The bartender looks him up and down, taking in his ordinary clothing and no makeup or wig. "What are you supposed to be?" the bartender asks. "I'm a were...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had the strangest visitors this halloween…

As I opened the door, there stood three men. One butt naked with only a glass jar over his pecker, one in overalls and one furiously masturbating.

After overcoming my initial shock, I asked the man in overalls what the fuck they were doing here. He replied:”hey, sweetie, wanna do it machinist...

Three ducks walk into a pub

One rainy afternoon three ducks walk into a pub, waddle over to the bar and each jump up to sit on a stool. Having never seen this before, the bartender shrugged his shoulders and walked over to the ducks to take their order.

He approached the first one and said "Hi, how is it going today?". ...

Billy Graham and the Limo

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his Plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. PAs he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never driven a ...

The Swordfish has no natural predators...

....Except the Penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.

Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars

Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An odd funeral...

A guy is just coming out of the store when he sees an unusual funeral procession moving down the road. In front is a black hearse, which is followed at a respectable distance of about 30 feet by another, slow moving hearse. Behind the two walks a man with a dog. And some twenty feet behind him is...

The Road Crew

A county road crew got their work assignment one morning to go patch some potholes.
They arrived at the assigned location and when they went to get their stuff out of the back of the pickup they realized they had a problem. The team leader got on the radio and called the supervisor and said, “Bos...

Nooo you were supposed to shoot at the sky too!

Haha Aaron go Brr

House Call

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him. At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listene...

One guy working at our local funeral home is supposed to be a necrophiliac.

He's responsible for the creamations.

I got one of those talking bathroom scales that is supposed to read your weight to you

But when I step on it, it says "One at a time, please!"

Sherlock and Watson go camping After a nice fire, roasting s'mores, and talking for a few hours, they finally crawl into their tent and go to sleep

In the middle of the night, Sherlock shakes Watson awake. "Tell me Watson" he said "What can you deduce by looking at the stars?"



Watson, slightly puzzled, said "Well, I can deduce by the number of them that the universe must be incredibly vast, and contain billions of stars. Likely...

A blonde woman called her brunette friend. "I'm doing a jigsaw puzzle at my apartment, but it's way too hard for me!"

"What's the jigsaw supposed to be?" asks the brunette.

"According to the box," says the blonde, "it's supposed to be a rooster."

When the brunette arrives at the blonde's apartment, she looks at the puzzle pieces. Then she look at the box. Then she says to the blonde, "I'm afraid you w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Reddit is supposed to be so much more sensitive than a clitoris...

... why isn't it called Rubbit?

I lost my job at the bank...

Turns out you're not supposed to push customers if they ask you to check their balance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two students are waiting to give their oral tests...

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside

Examiner- Suppose you are traveling by train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student- I will open the window.

Examiner- Great, now suppose that the area of the window is 10 sq. ft, the volume of the car is 1000 cubi...

Male Logic...

***Woman: And how long have you been drinking?***

***Man: About 20 years, I suppose***

***Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 ...correct?***

***Woman: Do you know that if ...

COVID-19 plagues a rural country town in the States.

Lockdowns have been imposed, and the infection rate is rising fast. An overweight and diabetic anti-masker is standing on the steps of the church, going against lockdown procedures, when a bystander coming from the grocery store walks by. “Better return home man, the infection rate is rising fast!”<...

I thought vasectomies were supposed to keep me from getting my wife pregnant??

Apparently, it just changes the color of the baby. Go figure.

A teacher said to her class, "Suppose you were all millionaires, write what you would do"...

Everyone immediately began to write furiously, except little Johnny, who kicked back and put his feet on the table. The teacher walked over to him. "Why aren't you writing Johnny?" she asked. Johnny looked up. "I'm waiting for my secretary."

Two Chess Grandmasters sit down for a Drink

They get a little tipsy, and their tongues loosen up.

Charles: “My wife has been awfully quiet recently. I think she may be having an affair.”

Digory: “...”

Charles: “Well come on man, don’t be so glum.”

Digory: “Charles, I have a confession about my last mate.”

Ch...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For those of you that never heard an ending to Bender's joke from the movie The Breakfast Club.

A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She sets the poodle down on the bar and the bartender says "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The blonde says "as a matter of fact, make it a double scotch on the rocks! I was just drying off af...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.