UPJOKE
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Suppose Jokes

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery...

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do?

Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!

I get that the “#me too” movement is supposed to be empowering...

But they could’ve picked a better slogan than “PoundMeToo”

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

AITA for calling my husband “my hoagie” during BDSM roleplay when I was supposed to call him “my hero”?

Oops! Wrong, sub.

Jesus Christ was supposed to be named Franklin....

Until Mary stubbed her toe.

I suppose we should have seen the Newton-Leibniz conflict coming.

Calculus has always been derivative

So, what do you suppose Beethoven is doing these days?

Decomposing

I was offered a good hot time today by a hot 21 year old redhead In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.

Of course I said no as I have high moral standards and very strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in scented lemon or vanilla.

I know we're all supposed to be tolerant of people from other cultures, but is it too much to ask that Asian waiters learn that all Caucasians don't look alike? My waiter just served my food to some other customer!

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

Our teacher was supposed to read us Shakespeare today, but she wasn't there. So instead, the

subreddit.

Police stops a man and says, "You're supposed to be wearing glasses"

Man: I have contacts.

Policeman: I don't give a damn who you know.

Driver : "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?"

Officer : "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

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"If you could fuck anyone living or dead, what would you choose?"

"Anyone living, I suppose."

A teacher said to her class, "Suppose you were all millionaires, write what you would do"...

Everyone immediately began to write furiously, except little Johnny, who kicked back and put his feet on the table. The teacher walked over to him. "Why aren't you writing Johnny?" she asked. Johnny looked up. "I'm waiting for my secretary."

Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

I suppose you can call me a leftist...

Because I can’t do anything right.

Would you remarry?

Out of the blue, a woman asked her husband, "if I die, will you remarry?"

"You're not gonna die."

"But what if I do? Everybody dies eventually. Answer the question."

"Well, in theory, I suppose I could get married again, yes."

The woman gasps in disbelief. "Well! Who woul...

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A guy goes to a costume party wearing only underpants The host says "What are you supposed to be?"

The guy replies "I'm a premature ejaculation. I just came in my underwear."

No, flat-earthers are right. The earth is supposed to be flat.

Until they burried your mom beneath it.

I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.

I suppose we aren't gonna work out.

When I turned 18, I went down to the courthouse to petition to change my name.

The clerk asked me why. "Just look at my application," I said. "If you were named Oskar Von Wootengootenbootenshoot, wouldn't you want something different?"

The clerk said, "I suppose you've got a point."

I said, "Yeah, I don't like Oskar, either."

"How big do you suppose that fence is?"

"I reckon that fence is around a yard."

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I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

Suppose you are an idiot and suppose you are a Member of Congress ?

But... I repeat myself

I keep asking what "IDK" is supposed to mean...

But nobody seems to have any idea.

A supposedly true story

One day, in Great Britain, two Muslim schoolgirls were chatting away to each other in a foreign language on a public bus. The man sitting in front of them turned around and said, "This is England. Speak English." The woman in front of him turned around and said, "Actually, this is Wales and they're ...

For my chemistry homework, I was supposed to write a thousand words on acid.

I tried, but my pen turned into a rainbow-coloured giraffe and then the desk melted.

A plane is sitting at the terminal and is supposed to leave shortly

Departure seems to be taking ages, and the passengers are growing restless. Eventually a staff member says on the PA system:

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay to your journey today. During preflight checks the pilot wasn't happy with the noise coming from the left engine, so w...

What is Colgate Sensitive supposed to do if Colgate kills 99.9% of germs?

It kills 99.9% of them without hurting their feelings.

Canada was originally supposed to be called Canad.

But whenever anyone spelled it, it came out as:
C
A
N
A
D
Eh.


If you don’t get it, reading it out loud might help.

Supposedly-psychic wife left me for buying her a too small t-shirt

Said she's clearly a medium

This is supposed to be on r/dadjokes but screw it!

Why did the orange lose the race?

It ran out of juice.

"Yoda, are we supposed to be here?"

"Off course we are."

If you're not supposed to eat in a chemistry lab

Then why do most of the elements end in yum?

Terry Pratchett fans, help me out here: Is Offler supposed to be *literally* a crocodile?

Or is it an allegory?

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A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans...

"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"

"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"

"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat th...

Male Logic...

***Woman: And how long have you been drinking?***

***Man: About 20 years, I suppose***

***Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 ...correct?***

***Woman: Do you know that if ...

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A husband comes home to his wife after being fired from the pickle factory...

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to s...

There are 2 people on a boat…

There are two people on a boat; they have three cigarettes. However, they don't have a lighter. What do they do?

They throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat *became a cigarette lighter!*

If everybody is a little bit racist... I suppose I hate the relay race the most. I feel like it's unfair they're teaming up on me.

And what the f*** do they have on me there passing that baton

Greta thunberg began screaming,

“I will not fly private!” She said to her manager as they pulled into the parking lot.

“The conference is two days away and across the ocean, would you like to fly coach?” He replied.

“On a commercial airline produced by slave labor? I don’t think so!” She screamed.

Her manag...

My wife has just given me a book with all the words that I'm not supposed to use when we argue....

It's called a dictionary.

Is there an “f” in lieutenant?

A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.

“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”

“I was told there was.”

“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”

“I’m pretty sure there is.”

The private thinks about it...

A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study

Maid: "I'd like a raise."

Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?

Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Y...

A 95 year old man and his 94 year old wife see a lawyer about a divorce.

The lawyer asks them when they got married.

"I was 19" says the man.

"That means you've been married for 75 years at least" the lawyer points out

"Yes. And all of it misery" says the woman.

"Really? When did you start to regret the marriage?"

"Almost immediately,...

I’m not supposed to say anything, but you all deserve to know....

Hey,  So heads up.... I wasn’t allowed to say anything until today, but it's now okay for me to share that I volunteered for the Covid-19 vaccine from Pfizer. The vaccine is the one that has been developed in Russia. It is in 6 different stages and I received my first dose earlier this morning 09:20...

I was suppose to write a sodium joke...

But Na

The Easter Bunny walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "I suppose you want a White Rabbit." The Easter Bunny says,

"I don't care, just give me something hoppy."

My wife asked me what "mansplaining" means

...now what am I supposed to do?

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

I broke a mirror in my house, I’m supposed to get seven years of bad luck.

But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

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Two students are waiting to give their oral tests...

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside

Examiner- Suppose you are traveling by train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student- I will open the window.

Examiner- Great, now suppose that the area of the window is 10 sq. ft, the volume of the car is 1000 cubi...

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from scho...

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician were supposed to give a guest lecture at a school.

When they arrive at the classroom, the professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

The physicist says, "We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."

The chemist says, "No! No! We ...

The Guillotine was supposed to be ahead of its time

It had cutting edge technology

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If you visit a nude beach for seniors, you're technically not supposed to stare.

But it's a gray area.

My wife asked me which of her friends I would like to have a threesome with.

Apparently I’m not supposed to pick two of them.

Did you hear The Pentagon was actually supposed to be an octagon?

but they hired a government contractor that cut corners

Trumps wall is supposedly supposed to keep illegals out of the United States...

But unfortunately it's keeping Trump inside the White House as well.

Guy goes to a costume party dressed in a Speedo with a potato in the front. He knocks on the door of the party and the host says what are you suppose to be?

He says, “I’m a dictator”

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Father's Day, at school, and all the students are supposed to make cards...

...by drawing a picture of their father at work.

Teacher asks, "Logan, what does your father do?"

"My dad's a cop. I'm gonna draw him catching a bad guy."

Then the teacher asks, "Briei, what does your father do?"

Briei says, "My dad's a writer. I'm going to draw him wit...

I was supposed to pay $500 for a single chunk of metal

what a steel....

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