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Predicted Jokes

The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence.

I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.

My grandfather predicted that the Titanic would sink.

He tried to warn everyone that it was going to sink, but the fools wouldn't listen. Being the good man that he was, he kept on urging people to heed his warning, right up until he was escorted out of the movie theatre by security.

One day a court astrologer predicted that the Queen would die next day.

One day a court astrologer predicted that the Queen would die next day.

When she really died the next day, the King wanted to get the astrologer killed as he thought that he had purposefully conspired to kill the Queen to fulfill his prophecy.

The guards brought the astrologer to the c...

My grandad predicted that the Titanic would sink

He went to great pains to try and alert everyone. Sadly no one would listen. He told people in authority, middle-management and even the every-day punters who bought tickets. He was silenced from every corner in spite of all the evidence he put forward. Eventually he was forcibly removed from the ci...

My uncle's death was predicted, he was told the exact day, and the exact time he would die. It happened as predicted.

The judge told him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anybody could have predicted Hitler's rise to power.

After all, he dominated the Poles.

I bought a crystal ball but only ever predicted very cold winters.

Turns out they sold me a snow globe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can predict your favorite movie with one simple trick..

This math test will determine your favorite movie.
Amazing!
This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be Gone With The Wind. Thats my favorite movie! I was surprised how this worked.
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Be honest and dont look at the movie list till you have done the math!
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Try this test and ...

56 years ago a prophet predicted Sean Connery's death.

Instead of: I expect you to die at the ripe old age of 90 while you sleep Mr. Sean Connery.

They ad libbed: I expect you to die Mr. Bond

I could not have predicted how this year went

I guess I don't have 2020 vision

When I predicted this pandemic ahead of time everyone but my optician said I was nuts.

He told me I have 2020 vision!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good Italian Girls

A young Italian-American girl was going on a date.....

Her Nonna said: "Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a younga boys.

He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat ... but don't let him do that.

He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea d...

My friend Claire predicted she'd be able to float in water

Guess she thought she was Claire bouyant.

I was told, if I voted for Hillary, they predicted Obamacare would continue and we'd go to war with Syria...

I did, and the predictions came true!

The plastic straw bans now happening in many cities were predicted by a 16th Century prophet.

His name was No-straw-damus.

This weather forecast extinguished my hope for a good day. They predicted 20% showers...

and 80% bathtubs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Before this year started, none of us could have predicted all this: Kobe Bryant, Australian fires, Coronavirus quarantine, Tiger King, toilet paper hoarding.

I guess none of us truly had 2020 vision after all.

You won’t believe how easy it is to predict the future!

All you need to do is to look into a crystal ball, purchasable from my website for only $999!

You don’t believe me?

See? Exactly what I predicted!

Putin consulted with a fortune teller

The fortune teller predicted that Putin would die on a Ukrainian holiday.

Putin asks: "Which one?”

To which the fortune teller responded, “Whenever you die it will be a Ukrainian holiday!”

MacBeth meets the three witches on the marsh.

''Hail MacBeth. For a fee we will predict your future.''

-''Really? How much?''

''10 Pence per predicted year.''

''I want a prediction for my *whole* life.''

''That'll be 5 pence.''

- Herman Finkers

My wife filed for divorce because I am a weather reporter.

That was not what I predicted

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