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[Long] A guy walks into a bar and demands 3 shots of tequila. Bartender obliges and says, "rough day?". "You have no idea!", the guy replies as he slams down the shots...

He begins telling him about his horrible day when a jar full of money at the end of the bar catches his eye. "What's that jar of money for over there? It's full to the brim of $10's and $20's!"

Bartender tells him it's a challenge he offers to his patrons, $10 to play, and you have to complet...

Did you hear about the customer outrage when the grocery store ran out of tea?

There was a steep demand.

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A woman storms into a doctor’s office and demands to see the doctor immediately.

The attendant, flustered, says there will be a wait, but the woman refuses and stomps past the attendant’s desk and into an exam room. Moments later, the doctor enters.

“Okay Mrs. Thompson, what is the problem you’re so angry about?”

Mrs. Thompson opens her blouse, revealing a thick g...

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An old man goes into a pharmacy, asks for two Viagra pills and demands that the pharmacist cut them in half.

The pharmacist winks at him, “OK, but do you realize they won’t be as effective?”
The old man says, “I’m 80 years old. I don’t want them for sex. I need them for getting me hard enough so I don’t pee on my shoes.”

"Kneel before me!" demands a portly king. All present kneel, except for one peasant who remains standing casually. Outraged, the king points his scepter at this peasant and barks, "You there, why do you not kneel!?" The peasant responds,

"Considering how long it'd take you even just to get out of that chair, there's clearly no need to rush."

A dyslexic terrorist has stormed in to London Zoo making random demands.

He has taken six ostriches.

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

David Hasselhoff calls his Agent and demands, "I want everyone to call me The Hoff from now on."

His Agent says, "Sure. No hassle."

Terrorists have hijacked a plane filled with politicians...

They say they will release one politician per hour if their demands aren't met.

A bank robber gets hold of the cash he needs but before fleeing the scene he demands the regular customers to stand in a line

The bank robber ask the first guy in line: "did you see what happened here?"

First guy: "I sure did! And I'm gonna tell the police exactly what happened and what you look lik..."
The bank robber shoots him in the head and ask the next in line the same question.

Second guy: "I assure...

A man walks into a bank with a gun and demands money from the cashier. As he's backing out of the bank with a bag cash, he takes two men as hostages.

He forces the hostages to walk outside at gunpoint.
"Run that way!" he shouts. They run down the street with the gunman following.
"Turn there!" he says, pointing to a dark alley to one side.
All three run to the dead-end of the alley. The gunman pushes the hostages against a wall. He poin...

Teach a parrot the words supply and demand,

and you’ve got yourself an economist.

There's actually very little demand for nihilist merchandise.

I guess it's a Nietzsche market.

A man angrily walks into a local bar holding a revolver and demands to know whose been sleeping with his wife.

A man in the back of the bar shouts back, “You don’t have enough ammo”

By popular demand, we now have a discord server. Join this

I know, I'm not very original. This is a re-post. But it's apparently a good one since it's always at the top of the list.

At 11:55 PM, a cop drives by a park, and sees a single car with the lights off...

He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up.

"Evening officer."

"What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?"

"I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the gi...

As a kleptomaniac, I demand my rights...

And that guy's rights... And his pen...

A Priest, a Politician, and an Engineer are set to be executed by guillotine during the French Revolution.

The Executioner brings the Priest up first. He ask him if he'd like to lie facing down or facing up for his death. He responds that he would like to be facing up, so he can see the heavens while he's going to God. So the Executioner lays the Priest down in the guillotine facing up. He then releases ...

I hired a plumber to install on-demand water heaters in my house

It was a tankless job

How does a Canadian demand an apology?

Leading by example.

The basketball coach storms into the president office and demands a raise..

The basketball coach stormed into the university president’s office and demanded a raise right then and there.

“Jesus Christ, man,” protested President Kubritski, “you already make more than the entire English department.”
“Yeah, maybe so, but you don’t know what I have to put up with,” th...

An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive

As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk.

The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car a...

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch...

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I ...

Why is the demand for potato chips rising in China?

They need clean air.

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My wife got made at me for giving in to the demand of a woman screaming, "give it to me, I'm so fucking wet."

It was our only umbrella.

Bernie demands change...

whereas Hillary prefers cards or cheques.

A man and his wife were driving along a road...

(reposted due to an error in the title hahah)

The wife says "I know we've been married for five years, but I want a divorce."

The man speeds up slowly.

The wife opens her mouth again. "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, I've been having an affair with your best friend...

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Economics explains why my penis is so small

The supply is equal to the demand.

Yeah I made this joke up, I know it's shitty but it made me laugh when I thought of it so hopefully it made some of you laugh too

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Angry truck driver demands a blond to pull over...

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver.

He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.

He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circ...

An English, Irish and a Scottish man walk into a bar

They each order a beer and as it arrives a fly falls into each of their glasses.

The Englishman pushes the glass away and demands a new one.

The Scotsman throws the fly out and takes a sip.

The Irishman grabs the fly, starts shaking it over the glass and yells: "Spit it out, spi...

Donald Trump is going to demand to see Hilary Clinton's birth certificate...

to make sure she is a woman.

Did you hear about the homeless guy running for U.S. President?

He demands change in America

This joke is like a party without any demand for fruit juice.

There is no punch line.

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A ventriloquist is on stage telling a dumb blonde joke...

...when a platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.

“You keep out of this!” she yells. “...

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the...

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Just say no

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, mor...

NSFW - A masked man bursts into a sperm bank with a gun...

He runs up to the woman working the front desk and screams, "OPEN THE VAULT!"

The woman is frightened and confused, "Sir, this is a sperm bank!"

"OPEN IT!", he yells while waving the gun.

She complies and opens the vault.

"Now take out a sample and drink it!", he demands....

What do you call it when one guy demands that another guy go to the movies and give him a hand job?

A mandate

The successful entrepreneur was constantly in demand for after-dinner speeches and could never find the time to prepare his own material.

His assistant always wrote the speech. It was at the annual conference that he was called upon to give encouragement to small businesses.
After the meal, the entrepreneur stood up to address the audience. "Ladies and gentleman. There are three main areas of tension in today's small businesses. T...

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Fancy dress party fun

Jimmy has a fancy dress party... the theme being emotions.

the party is getting underway, Jimmy’s first guests arrive, a couple ...the girl is dressed as a huge heart (love) the guy is wearing a green t shirt with the letters n and v on ....(a very original green with envy )

There i...

A depressed man walks into a lawyer’s office...

“I’ve been accused of stealing!” he exclaims. “They day I stole canned ham from the back of a delivery truck. But I’m innocent!”
“Alright,” the defense attorney says. “I’ll take your case. But it’ll cost you $5000.”
“I’ll pay you $2500 now, and pay the rest after the trial,” the man says.
...

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A stranger walks into a local bar...

He is a big guy but no one has ever seen him in there before.
"Who is the toughest guy in here?", he shouts to the bar keeper.
"Well right now I suppose it is Clyde over at the pool table."
The big man walks up to Clyde, rolls the pool balls around, picks up a pool que and just beats the da...

Irish Vs. English

An English naval vessel is called to attention by an Irish Guard.

Irish: Aye, approaching vessel, I advise ye turn 15 degrees south to avoid a collision.

The English Captain replies: "Negative, sir. We advise you redirect 15 degrees north to avoid said collision."

Irish: I repea...

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A man comes home from work with lipstick on his shirt.

His wife demands he tell her how exactly he managed to get lipstick on his shirt because it certainly wasn't hers.

He says 'It's pretty simple really, I wiped my dick on it'.

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One day Fred is sitting at his desk when he hears a voice in his head say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas."

Fred ignores the voice and goes back to work. Later that night he hears the voice again say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas." which he thinks about for a moment, then dismisses.

As the weeks went on, Fred started hearing the voice more an...

A Cowboy is riding his horse on his first trip to cowtown when he reaches a fork in the road...

At the fork, there is a sign which reads "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." The cowboy, confused and having never heard of Reddit, decides to give in to his curiosity and go right.

After riding for a mile or so on the path, he reaches another fork. This sign reads "Reddit go right, cowtown ...

I took an Economics class last semester and it finally clicked why my Priest is so against abortion.

Supply and Demand

Why are books about the social contract and demand-side economics so hard to find?

Because they're kept firmly under Locke and Keynes.

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The eel shop

A Japanese laborer was so poor he couldn’t afford any side dishes and ate only rice. At lunch he would take his bento box and sit behind an unagi restaurant. Before each bite he would inhale the delicious smell coming from the restaurant and then put the plain rice into his mouth.

After a co...

When my girlfriend told me she has an abduction fetish, I thought she was kidding.

But she demands to be taken, seriously!

Cinderella

So Cinderella is going to go out with Prince Charming. She approaches her Fairy Godmother and asks for some birth control.

"Absolutely not!" says the Fairy Godmother.

"Fine," says Cinderella. "But just remember this when there are all of these little princes running around."

...

A Man Driving Down The Street Sees a Penguin

Apologies in advanced for spelling and grammar as I’m on my phone.

A man is driving down the street and sees a penguin on the side of the road. Curious he decides to pull over and pick it up. About that time a local police officer sees the two of them and decides to pull behind him as he’s l...

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog.

He stands in the center of the bar, takes the dog by the chain, and starts swinging him above his head.


Everyone stops and stares. Upset about the way the animal is being treated, a patron runs up to the blind man and demands, "What the heck are you doing?"


The blind man tu...

I would tell you an economics joke

But there isnt enough demand

A nail company name Nail Bay hired a publicity agency for a new video ad...

After 2 weeks they asked for a meeting to show the new video.

The video started with an aerial take from the desert and kept zooming into a tiny black spot, which as the zooms keep going is a cross with Jesus nailed on it.

Right after this , the screen goes black and the company logo i...

A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper, explodes one day in mid-session and begins to shout,

“Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!” All the other senators demand that the angry member withdraw his statement or be removed for the remainder of the session. After a moment to think, the angry senator apologizes. “I’m sorry,” he says. “What I meant to say was half o...

The Three Monks

Once upon a time, there were three monks who decided to leave the monastery and open a flower shop where they could sell flowers and exotic plants. They moved into a very small town and were doing quite the good business until one day, they got in an exotic man-eating plant. The monks were quite exc...

Ole and Sven go to Hell

Ole and Sven, ignoring the -60 degree windchill warnings, froze to death while ice fishing in northern Minnesota and descend to Hell.

Coming to check on his new arrivals from up North, Satan is surprised to find Ole and Sven enjoying themselves, finally removing coats and hats that they've ...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and and Irishman all enter a pub, sit down at the bar, and each orders a pint.

By some incredible coincidence, three flies come along and each one lands in a separate glass.

The Englishman pushes his glass away in disgust and demands that it be replaced on the house.

The Scotsman scoops the fly out of his beer, drops it on the bar top, and continues to sip.
...

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While sipping his whiskey he notices a small, gilded box at the end of the bar and inquires about it to the bartender. "You're not quite drunk enough, my friend."

The man thinks it odd but continues to drink. Two more whiskeys later he asks again. "...

Meanwhile at the Sperm Donor Bank

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.

He goes up to the nurse and demands for her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.

So she opens the door to the vault and inside are...

Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".



The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.



Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes loo...

A woman brings her severly ill bird into the vet.

The vet rushes her back to the examination room, but unfortunately the little bird passes on before he can do anything for it.

He tells the woman that her bird has died, but she refuses to believe him and demands that he run tests to verify the little guy's demise.

The vet goes into th...

A husband and a wife are shopping

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the cart. “What do you think you’re doing?” says the wife. “There on sale, 24 cans for $10” says the husband. “Put it back we can’t afford it” demands the wife. They continue shopping. A few isles later, the woman picks up a $20 face cream and ...

A pilot encounters engine trouble during a storm over the Pacific Ocean

In a desperate attempt, he crash-lands on an uncharted island and loses consciousness.

A day or so later, he awakens to find himself bound and being dragged by some native savages to their camp.
The natives are going wild at the spectacle, as he is left in the center of the camp next to a...

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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican

When the Pope answers the door, Dopey steps forward and nervously asks "Your Excellency, I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

"No Dopey, I don't think there are," the Pope replies.

The other six dwarfs start to giggle.

"Well, are there any dwarf nu...

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The editor rejected my book, he said my metaphores are incomprehensible...

I'm sad as a coconut.



Due to popular demand, **EDIT**: metaphors*... Freakin' grammar nazis... On a second thought, maybe grammar also played a role in my rejection, who knows...

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Why Moses was the one who received the ten Commandments

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shalt not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'
Then...

My new girlfriend is so needy...

She keeps making demands like, "Untie me! Tell me who you are!"

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So three people are sentenced to death by guillotine.

First comes the bartender. The executioner asks if he has any last words, and the bartender exclaims "free drinks for all if God spares me!" The executioner pulls the lever and the blade stops before touching the bartender. The crowd considers this an act of God and successfully demand the bartender...

Heard this from a Navy officer on shore leave.

A Commodore in the Navy found himself wrongly accused of trading secrets with the enemy, so he bluffed his way onto a docked submarine and ordered it out to sea so he could wait out the inquest in peace.


His superiors caught wind of this and ordered a nearby friendly destroyer to go to hi...

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A man picks up a woman while it's raining

He then puts his hand on her leg. She says "That will cost you $50."

He then hands her the $50 dollars and begins rubbing her leg until he asks her "How much will it cost for me to make love to you?"

She replies "It will cost you $500, but on my conditions."

Excited, the man pul...

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A Spanish maid begins to argue with her employer's wife to give her a raise

"Why should I give you more money?" The wife asks bitterly

The maid answers, " Well the way I see it, I have three good reasons. First, I clean better than you."

This made the wife a bit mad.

"Is that so? Who says?"

The maid smiles. "Your husband, miss."

Upset, ...

A mechanic dies, and, not being a very religious man, gets sent to hell. While in hell, the mechanic meets Satan, and he is shown the ins and outs of Hell.

While wandering around, the mechanic starts doing the thing he's best at --
fixing stuff. In a matter of weeks, Hell has air conditioning, working TV's
and indoor plumbing, all being maintained and improved by the mechanic.

Seeing this from heaven, God calls Satan over and demands to ha...

A Scotsman, a Frenchman and a Nigerian all die and meet St Peter at the pearly gates...

St. Peter: you each get to ask me one demand and if I can't make your demand come true, I will send you back to earth for a second chance. If I do make your demand, you're headed to the afterlife...

Scotsman: I want you to give me all the scotch whiskey in the world right now...

St. P...

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A man walks into a bank with a loaded pistol

He shouts, everybody down or I'll shoot. Everybody gets down except one lady who is pregnant, she says she cant because she is having triplets. The man again demands she gets kn the floor. Again she says she cant because she's having triplets. The man shoots her 3 times and runs out of the bank. The...

A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian.

The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is d...

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A woman was sitting at a bar when she noticed a man sitting across from her who seemed to be staring.

After a while, the bartender says to her, "The man across the bar wants to know what it'll take to get in your pants tonight. The woman slyly responds, "Tell him he has to have a six figure salary, at least 2 vacation homes, and a 10 inch dick." The bartender walks over to the man and begins to tell...

Kingdom A was in big debt to Kingdom B.

Kingdom B requested that Kingdom A repay their debt by sending them a large amount of knights. Kingdom A frantically recruited knights and just barely supplied the demand. They were left with only Sir Plus.

A man is driving home from work when his wife calls him...

A man is driving home from work when his wife calls him.
“Dave!” She shouts in a panic, “There is an idiot driving the wrong way on the high way! Please be careful!”
The man laughs and his wife is bewildered
“What can be so funny about that?” She demands.
“Well I have no idea where you...

Sperm Bank Robbery

It was a normal day at the local sperm bank, when all of a sudden, a man bursts in with a mask a and a handgun and yells "EVERYONE! ON THE GROUND!"

Once every person in the facility is lying down, he walks over to the refrigerator area for very-recent donations, then turns around, facing the ...

A Crackhead an Alchoholic and a chain smoker all die in a car accident.

When they reach the pearly gate St. Peter just looks at them and says "not good gentlemen not good. I cant just let a Crackhead, Alchoholic and chain smoker into heaven." The three men start to complain and demand to be let in. So St Peter decides to test them. He give the crackhead some crack, he g...

Teams are interested in Kareem Hunt

I didn't know kickers where in such high demand.

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A bear goes into a bar in billings

And asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender replies “we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in billings.”

The bear is outraged and once again demands a beer. The bartender again says they don’t serve beer to bears in bars in billings.

The bear sees a woman drinking at the end of the...

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One hot summer day in the city...

A group of boys are hanging around on the corner with nothing to do. One of their mothers opens her window and shouts down to them "hey you boys better stay outta trouble! Go on and buy yourself something to keep you busy!" And throws a $5 bill down to them.

One of the boys grabs the money a...

There was a man who drank a lot and his wife gave him an ultimatum…

“If you ever come home drunk again, I'm going to divorce you”. Being a creature of habit, he went out drinking again and was sick all over his shirt. He said to his friend “If I go home like this my wife will divorce me". His friend advised “I tell you what, put a £20 note in your inside jacket pock...

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Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.


The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in rec...

3 explorers are lost deep in the jungle.

After days of desperate wandering they stumble upon a tribal village, where they are quickly captured and brought before the Chief.
The Chief adresses the first explorer and demands, "you! Death, or bobo?"
The first explorer, longing for his young wife, says, "I promised my wife I would re...

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be re...

A man walks into a restaurant...

A man walks into a restaurant and orders a regular burger and fries. A little later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and immediately notices a small hair sticking out of the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my burg...

The Pharmacist and a Thermometer

Upon arriving home a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist.. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the drug...

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An elderly couple are rocking on their front porch. NSFW

All of a sudden the old lady reaches over and smacks the old man right out of his rocking chair.
The old man slowly gets up gets back in his rocking chair, after rocking a few minutes more he turns the old woman and asks "What was that for?"
"For having such a small pecker all these years!" sh...

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A mom is setting up a chore-list for her kids...

She gets halfway through the month and realizes she has just one sticky note left. With plenty of time before she has to pick up the kids from school she decides to head over to office depot.
She arrives and is greeted by the doorman, Tom. Very polite local who she went to school with, tom is a ...

A mother walks into her son's room

Upon opening the door she sees her son eating some of his toys. Freaking out she scoops him up and rushes to the emergency room and demands them run all sorts of tests on him. Finally after receiving dozens of tests they finally get to sit down with a doctor.

"Is my son going to be okay?" The...

An German naval captain is reassigned to a new u-boat

His crew (all English defectors), did not like his German methods of leadership. After a few days of laying down new rules, enforcing them strictly, and allowing the crewmen barely a minute off, he saw several derogatory posters about him taped around the craft. Calling for his first officer, he sai...

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