Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678

Edit: Holy moly! Wake up to a shiny gold. Thank you kind stranger.

Edit2: I can make a whole wordlist with all the password in here 😁.

Why didn't 4 ask out 5

Because he was 2².

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...

to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw 2 guys in matching outfits and asked if they were gay...

They arrested me.

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use names here.

Asked My Parents if I was an accident

Mom: No, no, why would you think that?

Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.

My son, while gazing up at the sky, asked me how stars die

"Usually an overdose", I said

I asked Siri why I was still single

She turned on the front camera

A very badly beaten up man came to hospital. Doctor asked what the hell had happened to him.

Man: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said:" It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!".

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing...

It's always, "Is Pepsi okay?"

Donald Trump was asked what the J stood for in Donald J Trump

He said "Genius"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 5yo asked me to tell you guys this joke I'm so sorry...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Cause your butt stinks!! Ha! Stinky butt



He doesn't understand downvotes so I'll eat the loss of karma cause this made him happy

The Doctor asks the patient: "Does your head hurt?"

Patient: "Yes it does, doctor."

Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...

I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China

He says he can't complain.

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"

"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, ‘Father,may I ask a favor?’

‘Of course child. What can I do for you?’

‘Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electric hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for
me? Under your robes ...

A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?”

The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young muslim boy asks his dad " what are you wearing on your head?"

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.

No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.

An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

"Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?"

Waitress: (slaps me across the face) The men I please are none of your damn business

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little girl asks her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?”

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

A teacher in Ireland is giving an English lesson and asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word "contagious" being used…

One eager child says, "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!"

"Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?"

"My mummy says my laugh is contagious!" said another child.


"Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you...

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I replied, "Yes just once."

The doctor asked, "What was it like?"

I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

A bear walks into bar. Bartender asks, “What would you like to drink”? Bear says, “I’ll have a rum and coke...

My Boss: What’s the joke? I don’t get it.

Me: What do you mean you don’t get it? Just think about it.

My Boss: The Bear can talk?

Me: No, that’s not the joke.

My Boss: The Bear can walk into a bar?

Me: No, that’s not the joke either.

My Boss: The Bear likes ...

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to do 34.5

She asked "what's that?"

I said "it's like 69 but you do all the work"

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”

I said, “No. Is that still required?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. NSFW

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, “What are you doing?”

She answers, “I’m moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.”

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom ...

I asked little Johnny why he started doing so well in math after we sent him to the Christian school.

He said he didn't want to end up like the guy they nailed to the plus sign.

A man asks an atheist if he had the ability to choose, which fictional character would he be

The atheist replied with " God "

A Priest, Rabbi and Atheist walk into a bar and each ask for a drink.

The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdainful, points to a sign clearly labelled: NO JOKES SERVED HERE

Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.

The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.

Wiping the inside of a glass,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband…

“Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No,” said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He...

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.”

“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.”
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today in sex ed our teacher asked what’s the difference between a male reproductive system and the female reproductive system.

Apparently there’s a vas deferens

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman in a jewelers admiring a big diamond ring. As she leans down for a closer look a little fart slips out. Hoping nobody noticed she asks "how much is that one?"

The jeweler says "Madam, if you farted looking at it, you'll shit yourself when I tell you the price"

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many.”

“That one is a freebie.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: "fuck off, you won't bring it back"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A King is going on an adventure in a faraway land leaving his beautiful queen.So He ask for his 3 brave knights to guard her he is away.

But in doing so,He put an improvised penis guillotine to the queens vagina.

Then after a year,The king came back,Then He ordered the first knight to strip.

KING:ITS CUT!THROW HIM TO THE LIONS!

KNIGHT 1:NOOOO!

Then he ordered the 2nd knight to strip!

KING:ITS CUT TO...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inse...

So I've been asking what LGBTQ is,

But nobody will give me a straight answer.

My wife just asked, "What was Jesus' full name?"



So I dropped a bowling ball on her foot.

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery.

To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie. She asked, “What would you like to see?”

I said, “You pick.”

She said, “You pick.”

I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”

She said, “Sir, there are people behind you waiting to buy tickets.”

I've asked so many people what the abbreviation LGBTQA+ stands for.

I never get a straight answer.

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father

"Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?"

The dad replies, "Why do you want to know, son?"

"Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young lady, as part of a survey, asks a pilot about the last time he had sex. The pilot said "1959 ma'am. " Taken back by this answer, she said “That long ago?”

“Oh” the pilot replies “I guess so.” Looks at his watch and says, “but it’s only 2105 now.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my wife why she married me.

She said “Because you are funny.” I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.” She said “See? You’re hilarious!”

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she...

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is bathing her 7 year old son, the kid looks at his wrinkled ballsack and asks...

Mom, is this my brain?

The mother replies: not yet son, not yet...

I asked my father how many a couple is. He said, “Two or three.”

Which might explain why his marriage failed.

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "


P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

I asked around what LGBTIQ stood for.

I couldn’t get a straight answer.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....

She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings" so I got her nothing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The husband leans over and asks his wife

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it ...

A skeleton goes into a bar and the bartender asks,"What"ll it be Bones?"

The skeleton replies,"Two beers and a mop."

HAPPY HALLOWEEN ALL

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1".

The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"

The Bartender reply's "$5". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his ...

A boy asked his dad for 10$ of bitcoin

"$9.57? Why do you need $11.48?"

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season, but one day, went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appea...

So my neighbour sees me bent over, busy in my garden. And she asks what I'm doing.

"I'm alphabetising all my plants"

"Really?! I don't know how you find the time!"

"It's right next to the sage"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Hippie sits next to a young Nun on the bus and asks her if he could have sex with her?

The Nun, very upset, says “NO! I am married to God!!" and gets off the bus disgusted.

The bus driver sees all this. He tells the hippie “She prays every Tuesday night at midnight in the graveyard...
why don't you dress up in a hooded robe; go to the graveyard and tell her you are God and d...

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A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman.

He noticed her sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there'
..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not lookin...

So I was at the bank today and this old lady asked me to help check her balance.

Well I was not very impressed, she fell over on the first try.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Friend asks the other: "Does your wife also smoke after sex?"

His friend gives him a slightly confused look and replies: "Erm, no, but she's a bit sore afterwards."

If you ask my son why he joined the Army he will proudly tell you he joined to military to kill people.

He's a terrible doctor.

A man is on trial for cannibalism. The judge asks what the defendant has to say for himself.

The man replies, "if you are what you eat, then I am the real victim here."

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realised I only had a £20 note

I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"

I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

An english man, french, israeli, spanish and german are watching a street performance. The performer stands on a box and asks," Can you see me?"

The english answers" Yes"

The french answers"we"

The israeli answers "ken"

The spanish answers "si"

The german answers" ya"

A teenager asks his crush out to prom

She agrees, but she has three stipulations:

First, he has to get himself a tailor-made suit.

Second, he needs to pick her up in a limousine.

Third, she wants a large bouquet of roses waiting for her in said limousine.



Determined, the teenager starts with the fi...

A woman walks into a library and asks where books about paranoia are.

The librarian says "They're right behind you!"

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked…

'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend asked me if my masturbation addiction got any better

I replied: no, if anything it got harder

The King asked his squire how many troops were in his army.

"384 m'lord" said the squire.

"Very well. Round them up immediately!" said the King.

"400 m'lord!" said the squire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm always truthful when people ask me about my sex life..

I just tell them it's personal.

A boy asks his teacher, "What's a palindrome?"

"A racecar," replies his teacher.



*20 years later*



The boy bursts out of a bank wearing a ski mask and with bags of money in his hands. "Where is the palindrome?" he asks his getaway driver, who was sitting in a kayak.

A man is constantly asking his wife for a threesome for his birthday

and every year the wife says no.

This continues on for several years, until finally the wife has enough and finally agrees.

“Ok George, yes you can have your damn threesome. Who do you want it to be with?”

George quickly responds with... “Well, do you remember Sarah who works i...

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.

I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

One shop owner turns and asks another...

“So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that you’re looking for a night guard?”


He replied.
“Yeah, we got robbed tonight.”

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.

Almost all of them replied, “How the hell did you get in here?”

What do you say when someone asks, “do you kiss your mother with that mouth?”

I tongue her. Badumm tsss...

I asked what LGBTQ means and I've been getting lots of answers but here lies the problem

I couldn't get a straight answer

Passenger asked a flight attended “How often do planes crash?”

Flight attended “Just once.”

“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

There was three guys and they decided to chuck something out of an aeroplane. The first guy dropped out a dagger. The second guy dropped out a boulder and the third guy dropped out a bomb. The first guy went home and he saw his dad crying in the yard and he asked his dad “what’s wrong?”

The dad says “a dagger fell out of the sky and hit my wife on the head and now she’s dead.

The second guy went home and it’s the same story, he asks his dad “what’s wrong?”

“A boulder fell out of the sky and hit my wife in the head and now she’s dead”

The third guy got home, a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Woman gets naked in front of her husband and asks

"What turns you on the most, my pretty face, my voluptuous bust or my sexy butt???

He briefly looks her up and down and replies: "Your sense of humor."

A blonde goes up to a priest and asks,"Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?"

He replied,"Do you mean a choir?"

She snaps back,"Ok,acquire a church singing group."

A Chinese kid approaches his father and asks him: "Daddy, why do they say we all look alike?"

The man replies: "Actually your father is the one over there"

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there "isn't" something trying to kill you....

"School" is my answer.

I asked this girl if she would date me.

She said that she left her accelerator mass spectrometer at home.

A bride asks her Mom to buy her a long blue nightgown for her wedding night.

When the newly married couple gets to the honeymoon suite, the nervous groom goes in the bathroom to undress giving the instructions for the bride not to peek.

She opens her suitcase disappointed to find her Mom not only bought the wrong thing, but also just wadded it up in her suitcase. ...

The UN decided to do a worldwide survey and the only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man asks woman on first date: How do you feel about sex?

Woman: I like it infrequently.

Man: I see! Now, is that one word or two?

I asked the librarian for a book on Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat.

She said it rang a bell but didn't know if it was there or not.

What did the judge ask when he went to the dentist?

“Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?”

A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.

"We have two (2) basic needs honorable Sir", replied the villagers "Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor Sir."
On hearing this, the politician brought out his phone, after speaking for a while he told them not worry that a doctor will be there tomorrow, and he asked for the second problem w...

I was in an English exam and they asked “Write the past tense of ‘Think'”

I thought and thought about this for ages.
Eventually, I went for ‘Thunk’.

A kid asks his mom "Mom? What is dark humor?"

She responds: "see that man over there with no arms?Tell him to clap."

The kid replies: "but mom, I'm blind!"

Mom: "Exactly"

At the store, the cashier asks, “Do you want the milk in the bag?”

“I think it’s fine in the jug”

I asked my daughter for the news

I asked my daughter to bring me the newspaper. she said I'm too old fashioned and brought me her iPhone. Not getting too much into details, the fly is now dead, the iPhone is broken and my daughter is crying

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey....

I was at a job interview and was asked if i can perform under pressure.

I said im not very familiar with the lyrics, but i would certainly have a go at doing bohemian rhapsody

A year ago today I asked the most beautiful woman out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said "no" both times.

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

I went to the club last night, chatted up this German chick and asked her for her number.

and you’ll never believe it her number is 999-999-9999.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl asked me what it's like to have a dick

It has it's ups and downs

It's hard sometimes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend just asked me how I would react if I saw someone with a micropenis ejaculating.

I replied "Woah dude, that came out of no where!"

Tonight a friend of mine asked me where do I see myself next year.

And I said, "I don't know bud, I don't have 2020 vision.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How you doing today?" the bartender asks

. "Actually, earlier today I was feeling really down. Depressed even," the guy says. "But then I parked in a handicapped stall at the grocery store and then I had a bunch of complete strangers rally around me and tell me there was nothing wrong with me."

A snail goes into a Ferrari dealership and buys a car, he then asks them to paint a giant letter "S" on the side. When asked why, he says

When I'm driving around everyone will say, "Wow, look at that S car go!"

My friend asked me "if you could have any super power in the world, what would it be?"

I said "Cold War Russia."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If someone ever asks about your sex life, tell them it's like Tiananmen square.

There's protests and it's hidden from the public.

A teacher asks the class “What’s 119 + 1?”

One student answers “5!”

The teacher then says to the student “correct”

TIL if your wife asks you if you know where the broom is...

... it's not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.

People ask me why I make chemistry jokes

Because I always get a positive reaction

I saw a man dragging a loaf of bread along the floor so I asked him: 'What breed is it?'

He replied: 'It's pure bread.'

A drunk wakes up in jail and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking." replies the officer.

"Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy asks a girl if she wants to hear a joke about his penis. He then says, ”Nevermind, it’s too long.”

The girl asks if he wants to hear a poem about her vagina. She says, ”Nevermind, it's too deep.”

I asked my wife to fake an accent from a developed country tonight...

to fullfill my fantasy that we have healthcare.

I asked my girlfriend if I was the only one she slept with.

She said: "Yes, I didn't sleep with the others"

People always ask who my psychiatrist is because I’ve been really happy lately but they’re surprised when I say he’s Spanish

No one expects the Spanish shrink decision

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A vampire walks in a bar and asks for a cup of hot water. The bartender looks at him and says “Hot Water? I thought vampires drink blood”

The vampire pulls out a bloody tampon and says “I’m making tea”.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

A guy asks a girl to go to a dance.

She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally gets his suit. He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys his flowers. He picks up the girl and they ...

There is no incest in Alabama! You can ask my dad, brother, uncle, husband, mother, sister or aunt!

They are both in the living room right now.

One of my next-door neighbors is a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer’s. Every single morning at 9 a.m. he knocks on my door and he asks me if I have seen his wife. Which means that every single morning at 9 a.m.

I have to explain to a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer’s that his wife has been dead for quite some time. Now, I’ve thought about moving. I’ve thought about not answering my door in the morning. But to be honest, it’s worth it just to see the smile on his face.

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ask Your Mother

A mother and her young son were flying on Virgin Australia, from Brisbane to Melbourne. The son turned to his mother and asked: “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?”
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the f...

a guy walks into a shop and asks for two wasps. the shop assistant looks confused and says sorry but they don’t sell wasps

the man says “but you’ve got one in the window”

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."
Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said,...

Husband is reading Indecent Proposal review during breakfast and asks his wife: *honey would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?*

Wife: *where am I going to get that kind of money*

I have a Russian friend who always asks me to try vodka even though I don't like it.

Well I guess if he insists so much, Soviet.

A Jewish child asks his father for $50

To which his father replied: "Forty dollars? What in the world do you need thirty dollars for?"

A rich man asks a sage for advice

A rich man visits a temple to see a sage. He asks the sage how he can find true peace and fulfillment.

The sage says, "take everything in your life that brings you stress, worry, and misery, and put it all in the cave near the top of that mountain behind the temple".

The man does ...

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly inside the house

I told her it was because I felt like someone was listening to us.

She laughed...

I laughed....

Alexa laughed....

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A Man Walks Into a Tattoo Shop Asking for $100 bill on penis

A man walks into a tattoo shop and asks to get $100 bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist is surprised and intrigued by this request. "Uh, are you sure about this sir?"

"Yes, I'm sure and I'm willing to pay whatever."

"Ok. May I ask why this particular tattoo in this particul...

I asked my Jewish friend to come up with an random number

he said 6 million

My crush asked my help to impress a boy. So I told her we should pretend to date to make him jealous.

We've now been married for 10 years and have a kid and she hasn't made any progress with that guy. Maybe I should stop beating him up every time he tries to meet her?

Nah. Need to stay in character.

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and asks for a shot of whiskey

The bartender asks him, "what is that thing and why's it in my bar?"

"That's my pet," the man replies. "He follows me everywhere and we both love a good drink."

Sighing, the bartender decides he doesn't have time to argue the semantics of bringing animals into bars and pours two shots,...

My dad asked me which Metallica songs I know

I told him I only know one and nothing else matters.

A mathematician walks into a diner. He asks the waitress for pie.

She says: " 3.14159 26535 "

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The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?"

The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."


The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are yo...

I don't get why people ask rhetorical questions

What's the point of asking something you don't expect to be answered?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"

I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is fucking annoying sometimes.

A girl asked if I was into S&M. I don't really know a lot about music, but she was cute so I said "sure."

She must have figured out I was lying because she beat the hell out of me.

Guy comes to my door and asks if I want to be a Jehovah's Witness

I said, "Hey man I didn't even see the accident"

A friend asked me who won the Tour de France

Apparently the "5th Panzer Division" was not the correct answer.

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of turkey on her right inner thigh

After that she asks for a Christmas tree on her left. The tattoo artist asks her what the point is so she replies

"My husband complains there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was

I said "Sir, this is 2019. You can use any printer you want".

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A woman goes into a shop and asks for a maternity Bra.

The assistant asks, "What Bust?".


She says, "The fucking Condom!".

My friend asked me if I was going to Asia...

I told him, "Yeah, Siam."

A man frantically asked me the quickest way to the hospital.

I replied quickly are you walking or driving? He said driving. I said yeah that's the quickest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian radio host is running a competition to great a new word and ask callers to suggest one

Caller one : garn

Host : can you use it in a sentence?

Caller one : garn get fucked (hangs up)

Host : ok, let's try again again, what's your word?

Caller 2 : smee

Host : and can you use it in a sentence?

Caller two : smee again, garn get fucked

Three children named Feather, Droplet, and Brick went to their mother to ask why they were named so.

Feather went to his mother and asked,"Mother, why is my name Feather?" And the mother replied,"because when you were born, a feather fell on your forehead." Satisfied, Feather went away.

After Feather, Droplet went to his mother and asked,"Mother, why is my name Droplet?" And the mother repli...

My 14 year old is finally taking an interest in me. Last night he asked me my date of birth.

Then he asked me what street I grew up on.

This morning he even asked where I met his mom and what was the name of my first pet! ❤❤❤❤❤

Sean Connery once asked his wife to sit on his face.

Once.

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he's going.

“I'm on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body."

The policeman asks, "Really? And who's going to be giving a lecture at this time of night?"

"My wife", was his reply.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor enquired if I was getting enough exercise. "Does sex count as exercise?" I asked. "Yes, it's a very good form of exercise" he replied.

"No then" I said

So early this morning im eating breakfast when my wife asks me if I can help her in the living room.

I said; "I can't, I have a lot on my plate."

What did the dad say to his family after asking if anyone needed to go to the bathroom before they left on a trip?

“Speak now or forever hold your pees”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I give my girlfriend a third of everything she asks for.

She keeps saying she wants a big black cock.

I keep asking my physics teacher

I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"


But he just keeps responding with "yes."

An old lady walks in a dinner and seats where she can see the cook, and asks the waiter for a hamburger.

He says "ok, hamburger." The old lady sees the cook stick the hamburger meat under his arm and slaps it on the grill. The old lady says,"Oh my God that is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!" The waiter says, “That’s nothing you should see how he makes Donuts.

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