Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678

Edit: Holy moly! Wake up to a shiny gold. Thank you kind stranger.

Edit2: I can make a whole wordlist with all the password in here 😁.

Why didn't 4 ask out 5

Because he was 2².

My son, while gazing up at the sky, asked me how stars die

"Usually an overdose", I said

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred d...

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melv...

I was asked to go out by 4 girls today!

Turns out I was in the ladies bathroom...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...

to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw 2 guys in matching outfits and asked if they were gay...

They arrested me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 5yo asked me to tell you guys this joke I'm so sorry...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Cause your butt stinks!! Ha! Stinky butt



He doesn't understand downvotes so I'll eat the loss of karma cause this made him happy

I asked Siri why I was still single

She turned on the front camera

arnold schwarzenegger was asked to update his laptop to windows 10 but he said...

...I still love vista baby.

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my Scottish friend how many sexual partners he's had.

He started counting but soon fell asleep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked this hot girl her New Years resolution

She said “fuck you” so I’m very excited for 2020

I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use names here.

Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing...

It's always, "Is Pepsi okay?"

Asked My Parents if I was an accident

Mom: No, no, why would you think that?

Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.

Donald Trump was asked what the J stood for in Donald J Trump

He said "Genius"

A chinese kid asks his father: "Dad, why do they say all Chinese people look alike?"

He replies: "I am not your dad"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook tha...

"Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?"

Waitress: (slaps me across the face) The men I please are none of your damn business

An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy asks a woman "Would you have sex with me for a million dollars?"

She replies, "Well, to be honest, at that price, the answer would have to be yes."

"Well would you do it for five dollars?"

"NO! What do you think I am?"

"We've already established what you are. Now we're just haggling over price."

I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China

He says he can't complain.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...

I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.

I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice...

He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

The Doctor asks the patient: "Does your head hurt?"

Patient: "Yes it does, doctor."

Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"

A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was.

I replied "It is between 1 and 8 pm."

A teacher asks her students to answer some quick math questions.

Teacher: Alright class, I want you to shout out the answers to me as soon as you know it, ready? What's 5x2?

Mohamed: 10!

Teacher: Very good Mohamed! That was very quick! Now who can tell me what's 5+4?

Mohamed: 9!

Teacher: Excellent! Mohamed is on a roll here class! See ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pretty blonde walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he's drinking...

He says, "Magic beer. You want one?"
"Aw, that's stupid. There's no such thing" she says.
"Look, I'll show you". He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself  out of a nearby window, where he proceeds to fly up and around the  building, and back into bar window.
"That's incredibl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner
with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"


Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."


The teacher responded by saying: "That would
be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, ho...

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"

"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little girl asks her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?”

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So w...

I traveled to London this year to take part in Europe's largest chess tournament and was destroyed in the first round by this European guy with an odd accent. I waited until the end of the game to ask him about where he was from and what kind of accent he had...

He responded: "Czech, mate!"

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, ‘Father,may I ask a favor?’

‘Of course child. What can I do for you?’

‘Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electric hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for
me? Under your robes ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: "fuck off, you won't bring it back"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young muslim boy asks his dad " what are you wearing on your head?"

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?”

The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?"

A very badly beaten up man came to hospital. Doctor asked what the hell had happened to him.

Man: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said:" It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!".

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.

No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.

Bought a Christmas tree today. The salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself.

I said no, in my living room

A man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied: “Shingles.”

So she wrote down his name, address and phone number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse came out and asked the man what he had. The man said: “Shingles!"

So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room....

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words.

She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect.

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me if I want a handjob or regular sex

I : handjob definitely .

She(*surprised*) : why is that?

I : because one in the hand is worth two in the bush

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked 100 women what their favorite soap in the shower was.

The most popular response was: "How the fuck did you get in here?"

A man is having trouble with a crossword puzzle, and asks his wife for help

"What's another word for an overloaded mailman? 16 across".

"How many letters?", she replies.

"Thousands I'd imagine."

If someone asks you to spell part backwards. Don't

It's a trap.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" ...

A buddy once asked me if I've ever stuck it in her

...you know, "other hole".

I said that's dumb because she might get pregnant.

A brother asks his sister to marry him...

She replies, "if you incest".

My son asked me if I know any Spanish words.

I said no.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew, a Muslim, a Hindu, and an Atheist are asked to help decorate a Christmas Tree.

The Jew says, "My faith believes that Christ was just a really smart guy, but we don't celebrate Christmas. I'll put 7 candles on the tree to represent the Menorah" and he agrees to help.

The Muslim says, "My faith believes Christ was a holy guy, just not THE holy guy, so we don't celeb...

A teacher in Ireland is giving an English lesson and asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word "contagious" being used…

One eager child says, "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!"

"Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?"

"My mummy says my laugh is contagious!" said another child.


"Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you...

What do you ask your crying sister?

"Are you having a crisis?"

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I replied, "Yes just once."

The doctor asked, "What was it like?"

I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

A bear walks into bar. Bartender asks, “What would you like to drink”? Bear says, “I’ll have a rum and coke...

My Boss: What’s the joke? I don’t get it.

Me: What do you mean you don’t get it? Just think about it.

My Boss: The Bear can talk?

Me: No, that’s not the joke.

My Boss: The Bear can walk into a bar?

Me: No, that’s not the joke either.

My Boss: The Bear likes ...

A son asks his father, “Daddy, what’s an alcoholic like?”

The dad responds, “Son, do you see those two cars over there? An alcoholic would see four.”
The son says, “But daddy, there’s only one.”

What did the baby corn ask the mother corn ?

He asked: "Where's pop corn ?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father whale and his son were swimming when the son whale asked his father "where did I come from."

The father whale replied "from my penis son."

The son rolled his eyes and said "thanks dad" to which the father whale replied, "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to find the ball he discovers a witch stirring a cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing..?

“A magic potion” she replies.

“Well what is it for?” he asks.

“This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer.”

At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his sex life.

After a short...

A man walks into the library and asks "where are your books on BDSM?"

The librarian replies "they're still being bound."

An indian and Albert einstein make a bet, Albert einstein says for every question you say and I don't have an answer for I will give you $500 and when I have a question you can't answer you will give me $5. The indian agrees. Albert asks him what 96950x30857 is, then the indian gives him $5 then...

The indian asks him, what goes up a mountain with 3 legs and comes down with 4, albert is stumped and gives him $500 then curious albert asks the indian what does go up a mountain with 3 legs and come down with 4? Then the indian gives him $5

I was asked if I would accept $100,000 if it meant that the person I hated the most got $200,000.

I said "Sure. Why wouldn't I want $300,000?"

I asked the toy store assistant where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were...

She replied, "Aisle B, back!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a mute girl if she'd have sex with me. Told her to clap once for "YES" and twice for "NO"

She said "YES" "YES"

[NSFW] Why don't any of Logan Paul's asian fans ask for high fives anymore?

He tends to leave them hanging.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation.

She said, “Honey, you know I never lie. This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, I’m not lying.”

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to do 34.5

She asked "what's that?"

I said "it's like 69 but you do all the work"

After the helicopter crash, the blonde pilot was asked what happened...

She replied, “It was getting chilly in there, so I turned off the fan.”

A Priest, Rabbi and Atheist walk into a bar and each ask for a drink.

The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdainful, points to a sign clearly labelled: NO JOKES SERVED HERE

Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.

The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.

Wiping the inside of a glass,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"What is the opposite of Laughing?", The teacher asks the student.

Student replies, "Fucking."

The stunned teacher asks the student to explain his answer.

The student says " Laughing is ha ha ha; Whereas, Fucking is ah ah ah"!!!

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many.”

“That one is a freebie.”

Two very stupid students are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: “You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They’ll rob you blind. Don’t you go paying them what they ask. You haggle.”

At Sydney airport, the students catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, “That’ll be twenty dollars, lads.”

“Oh no you don’t! My dad warned me about you. You’ll only be getting fifteen dollars from me,” says one of the students. “And you’ll only be gett...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Young boy goes up to his Dad and asks "Where did I come from?"

His father sighs and says "I was hoping your mother would get this question but OK I will explain".

"So when a man and woman are in love and want to have a baby they get naked and get into bed and then they touch each other and kiss and the man touches the woman's breasts and vagina and the w...

An Integer walks to a String and asks for its number

String replies, "Sorry, you're not my type."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband…

“Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No,” said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He...

I was at the bank one day and there was an old lady having trouble with the teller. She asked if I could help check her balance.

So I pushed her.

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”

I said, “No. Is that still required?”

I asked my mom "how many is a couple?" She said, "two or three."

That would explain why her marriage collapsed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife asks her husband

Wife: If you had to, would you rather lose a leg or an arm?

Husband: A leg. Need both arms to ride a jetski.

Wife: I asked a coworker and he said he needs both arms to hug his wife, you asshole.

Husband: Sounds like he's never ridden a Jetski.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inse...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. NSFW

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, “What are you doing?”

She answers, “I’m moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.”

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom ...

The Indian chief goes to the white man doctor and asks "Too many papoose! What do?"

The doc gives him a condom, and explains the principles.

A couple of months later, the chief comes back, saying "No good! Right nut go urggh! Left nut go urrgh! Rubber go boom!"

So the doc cuts a few custom "rubbers" out of the fingers of a heavy duty latex glove, saying "Try these...

I've asked so many people what the abbreviation LGBTQA+ stands for.

I never get a straight answer.

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she...

Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?

Cause he likes stabbing things in the back.

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "


P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

I hate when people ask me where I see myself next year

I don't have 2020 vision

I asked little Johnny why he started doing so well in math after we sent him to the Christian school.

He said he didn't want to end up like the guy they nailed to the plus sign.

My partner asked me to stop singing Oasis songs...

I said maybe

A man asks an atheist if he had the ability to choose, which fictional character would he be

The atheist replied with " God "

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.

“Yes,” he said. “My father taught me.”

“Good. What comes after three?”

“Four,” answered the boy.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven.”

“Very good,” said the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. And what comes after 10?”

“Jack.”

A guy goes into a store and asks if they sell Potato Clocks. The assistant says “Sorry sir, we don’t. We have battery clocks, electrical clocks, wind up clocks. In fact I’ve never heard of a potato clock.” The man says...

“Neither have I, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow and my wife said I should get a potato clock.”

My friend asked "What Rhymes With Orange"

"No it doesn't" I said

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my wife why she married me.

She said “Because you are funny.” I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.” She said “See? You’re hilarious!”

Some travelers where going down a path when they stopped to ask for directions to a native...

He said," I would go that way to the forest. But, don't go this way." He said pointing to a path behind him. "There's a bacon tree." The travelers where very hungry and thought a bacon tree sounded pretty good to them. So, they ignored the native's warnings and went to the path behind him. But, all ...

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery.

To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The husband leans over and asks his wife

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it ...

This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, “What man out there will buy a lady a drink?”

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, “Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!”

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she’s completed the drink, she...

My wife asked me to pick up some of those pills that help with getting an erection.

So I brought her home diet pills.

Went out today and bought a Christmas tree, the fella who sold me it asked me was I going to put it up myself, I told him no i'm putting it in my sitting room

Found this somewhere. Lmao

My wife asked me to sync her phone

so I threw it into the ocean.

I don't know why she's mad at me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A King is going on an adventure in a faraway land leaving his beautiful queen.So He ask for his 3 brave knights to guard her he is away.

But in doing so,He put an improvised penis guillotine to the queens vagina.

Then after a year,The king came back,Then He ordered the first knight to strip.

KING:ITS CUT!THROW HIM TO THE LIONS!

KNIGHT 1:NOOOO!

Then he ordered the 2nd knight to strip!

KING:ITS CUT TO...

My wife actually did just ask me if a chickpea is the same as a garbanzo bean. Thanks r/jokes!

I knew that the correct response is: "Different. No guy ever paid $100 to have a garbanzo bean on his face."

John asks his father...

John asks his father: Dad? where do my brothers come from? To which father answers: "from a stork." To which John says: there are so many beautiful women and you decide to f*ck a stork?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today in sex ed our teacher asked what’s the difference between a male reproductive system and the female reproductive system.

Apparently there’s a vas deferens

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman in a jewelers admiring a big diamond ring. As she leans down for a closer look a little fart slips out. Hoping nobody noticed she asks "how much is that one?"

The jeweler says "Madam, if you farted looking at it, you'll shit yourself when I tell you the price"

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work...

I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

So I've been asking what LGBTQ is,

But nobody will give me a straight answer.

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie. She asked, “What would you like to see?”

I said, “You pick.”

She said, “You pick.”

I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”

She said, “Sir, there are people behind you waiting to buy tickets.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny asked his teacher if he could talk to her after class

Johnny:" Miss I believe im too smart for my age I want to move on directly to high-school, I'm bored in here."
Hearing that, teacher can't believe his audacity, but nevertheless aranges with the principal an exam in his office for the boy.
The principal is astounded to find that Johnny had an...

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father

"Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?"

The dad replies, "Why do you want to know, son?"

"Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!"

My friend asked me if I knew what sodium was on the periodic table,

I said Na

A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.

"We have two basic needs, honorable Sir", replied the village leader.


"Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor."


On hearing this, the politician brought out his phone, after speaking for a while he told them not to worry, a doctor will be there tomorrow, and he asked for the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is bathing her 7 year old son, the kid looks at his wrinkled ballsack and asks...

Mom, is this my brain?

The mother replies: not yet son, not yet...

My wife just asked, "What was Jesus' full name?"



So I dropped a bowling ball on her foot.

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

A man is in an interview. The interviewer looks at his resume and sees that there is a 4 year gap. When he asks about it, the man says, “I was at Yale” The interviewer immediately hires him

The man than says “ Thanks I really needed this yob”

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

A girl goes to a psychiatrist and complains, “I don’t want to marry, I am educated, independent and self sufficient. I don’t need a husband but my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”

Psychiatrist: “You, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But sometimes you will not go in the way you want. Sometimes you will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plan won’t work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled. Then whom will you blame? Will you blame yourself?”...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Hippie sits next to a young Nun on the bus and asks her if he could have sex with her?

The Nun, very upset, says “NO! I am married to God!!" and gets off the bus disgusted.

The bus driver sees all this. He tells the hippie “She prays every Tuesday night at midnight in the graveyard...
why don't you dress up in a hooded robe; go to the graveyard and tell her you are God and d...

A man was at his friend's funeral and asked the wife if he could say a word. She agreed. The man stood at the podium and said, "Plethora."

As he sat back down the wife said, "Thanks, that means a lot."

A boy asked his dad for 10$ of bitcoin

"$9.57? Why do you need $11.48?"

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1".

The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"

The Bartender reply's "$5". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his ...

Nikolia, Sergei, and Alexander are in a Soviet era Gulag together when Sergei asks

Sergei: So what did you two do to end up here?

Alexander: I was always early for work, so the government accused me of espionage and sent me here.

Nikolia: I was always late for work so I had to work later to make up for lost time. The government accused me of sabotage and sent me here...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young lady, as part of a survey, asks a pilot about the last time he had sex. The pilot said "1959 ma'am. " Taken back by this answer, she said “That long ago?”

“Oh” the pilot replies “I guess so.” Looks at his watch and says, “but it’s only 2105 now.”

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realised I only had a £20 note

I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"

I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

I’ve just asked my missus if I’m the only one she’s slept with.

She said ‘Yes. All the others were nine and tens’.

Went to buy a Xmas tree today, got chatting to the guy behind the counter, asked if I was going to put it up myself

I have to admit, I’ve tried a lot of things but that sounds particularly painful

Recently moved to China, people keep asking me how it is.

I can't complain.

My neighbor's little son asked me where you find giant snails?

I tried to blind him with science.

“Well, they’re originally from Kenya, and their Latin name is the Achatina Fulica …”

Turns out the answer was ‘On giant’s fingers’.

A skeleton goes into a bar and the bartender asks,"What"ll it be Bones?"

The skeleton replies,"Two beers and a mop."

HAPPY HALLOWEEN ALL

I saw a gorgeous woman walk into a cosmetic surgeons office. I followed her in to ask her out, but I decided not to bother.

Catching her picking her nose just put me right off.

A guy asks a girl to go to a dance.

She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally he gets his suit.

He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers.

He picks up the g...

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season, but one day, went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appea...

What did the boy ask the Gardner?

Water you doing?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open.

The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices one day that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." Sh...

A kid asks his mom "whats dark humor"

Kid:Mom whats dark humor
Mom:See that man with no arms over there run over there and high five him
Kid:I can't i don't have legs

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....

She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings" so I got her nothing

What did Donnie ask to get for Christmas?

I want nothing.

I want nothing.

Just tell McConnell to do the right thing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

A man was fresh out of accounting school and went to an interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him: “What is three times seven?”

“Twenty-two,” the man replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator and realised he wouldn’t get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next d...

I asked a girl out yesterday.

I went up to her and said:
"are you today's trash because I wanna take you out"

A man and his best buddy are driving around. The best buddy finally says "Listen I gotta ask, how long have you been wearing that bra?"

The man, frowning, responds "Ever since my wife found it under that seat you're in".

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there "isn't" something trying to kill you....

"School" is my answer.

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills...

and for some reason she told me to "urinate on a skeleton"

One shop owner asks another, “So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that you’re looking for a night guard?”

“Yeah, we got robbed tonight.”

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

If I drop anything, I have to ask someone else to pick it up for me.

I recently got an envelope in the mail that said "Do Not Bend!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman.

He noticed her sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there'
..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not lookin...

A woman locked her car key in her car, so she asked a passerby for help. The passerby took off his pants, rolled it into a ball and rubbed it on the car door. The car door springs open. Amazed, the woman asked the passerby how did he do it, to which he replied:

"It's simple, these are khaki pants"

Me asking a girl out be like: (NSFW)

Me: So you free tonight?

Her: What no I charge $20 an hour!

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.

I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

All the students were afraid of the Spanish teacher because she would ask random questions throughout class

No one expects the Spanish Inquisition

A teenager asks his crush out to prom

She agrees, but she has three stipulations:

First, he has to get himself a tailor-made suit.

Second, he needs to pick her up in a limousine.

Third, she wants a large bouquet of roses waiting for her in said limousine.



Determined, the teenager starts with the fi...

An english man, french, israeli, spanish and german are watching a street performance. The performer stands on a box and asks," Can you see me?"

The english answers" Yes"

The french answers"we"

The israeli answers "ken"

The spanish answers "si"

The german answers" ya"

If you ask my son why he joined the Army he will proudly tell you he joined to military to kill people.

He's a terrible doctor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey....

A man is on trial for cannibalism. The judge asks what the defendant has to say for himself.

The man replies, "if you are what you eat, then I am the real victim here."

So my neighbour sees me bent over, busy in my garden. And she asks what I'm doing.

"I'm alphabetising all my plants"

"Really?! I don't know how you find the time!"

"It's right next to the sage"

What does Good King Wenceslas ask for when he orders pizza?

"Deep pan, crisp and even."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.