Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
...

A man goes to the white house and asks to talk to president Trump.

A guard tells him that Trump is no longer president. The man then leaves.

The man comes back the next day and again asks to speak to president Trump. The guard says "like I already told you he is no longer president".

This then repeats a third day and at that point the guard asks "why ...

A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom.

The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon. Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.

When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and get...

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The headmistress at my exclusive girl’s college was lecturing us on Sexual morality...... “In moments of temptation,” she said to the class, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

She got so furious when I got up and asked “How do you make it last an hour?”

A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"

His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."

He asks, "Whose is it?"

His wife replies, "Yours!"

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Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a hooker

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.

The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.

The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door.

"Hi honey, ho...

A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady at a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink. "Don’t you have a girlfriend?" she asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "OK then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love...

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The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, havin...

I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for

So far no one has given me a straight answer.

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

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What should you reply when a bully asks you ''Why are you so fat?

Everytime i fuck your mom she gives me a cookie.

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I asked my girlfriend if she was ready for 12 inches of dick and she said yes.

I'm so excited for 12 rounds of sex tonight!

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

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A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop and asks the clerk to show him a scope.s

The clerk takes out a scope and says to the man, “This scope is so good, you can see my house up on that hill.”


The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
“What’s so funny?” asks the clerk.


“I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the ho...

My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that...

I had picked 7 up!

I asked my Australian friend where in Australia there ISN'T something trying to kill you.

School was his answer.

Horse walks into a bar, bartender asks “why the long face?”

Horse replies, “The bank denied my home loan because I don’t have stable income.”

I asked this cute homeless girl if I could take her home with me.

She started crying after I walked off with her cardboard box.

So I brought a world map and asked my wife to shoot a dart on it and wherever it lands, I will take her there for two weeks when pandemic ends.

It's her day 5 behind the fridge.

My wife yelled from the bedroom asking, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" I replied, "No."

She yelled back, "How about now?"

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Asked a Chick, “If I washed my dick would you….

Asked a chick:

If I washed my dick would you suck it?

Her: “Um, Wtf?” “No!”

Me: “You dirty cocksucker!”

She laughed so much she eventually sucked me off as a gesture of appreciation of the joke. My sister is weird.

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A man asks a farmer if he can work for a night's lodging and a meal.

Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while. The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals....

A Neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender for the price of a drink

The bartender responds: "For you, no charge"

A guy asked a girl in a university library...

..."Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and ...

If your wife ever asks you which of her friends you want to have a threesome with,....

Do not give two names!

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One night I asked my Scottish friend how many sexual partners he’s had

He started counting, and after a minute or so, he fell asleep

A grandson asks his grandfather: "Grandpa, is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant?"

"Yes, there was"

answers the Grandpa and patted the grandson's head.

"Grandpa, is it true that it had absolutely no consequences?"

"Yes, absolutely"

answered the Grandpa, and patted the grandson's other head.

A young Taiwanese boy asks his father a question:

(some things don't translate super well, I'll try my best)

He asks: "Dad, I heard some strange words at school today, and I don't know what they mean."

His dad responds, "Hmm... Tell me what they are. I'll try to explain them as best I can."

The boy asks the following: "What's '...

While visiting the old folks home, little Charlie asks his grandmother, "Grandma, what is 'dark humor'?"

His grandma replies, "Watch, I'll show you." She points at a man in a wheelchair, and says, "See that man over there? Go and ask him to stand up."

Charlie gasps. "But grandma...!"

His grandma then points at a man with no arms. "And see him? Tell him to clap his hands! Hah!"

Char...

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.

The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he ask...

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school...

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"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife. "If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her." "You mean 'than'."

"No."

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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...

"Will you marry me?"


The Princess said "NO!"


And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles, and went fishing, and hunting, and played golf, and fucked women half his age, and drank beer, and scotch and had tons of money in the bank, and scratched his balls...

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A pastor asks if anyone in the congregation would like to express thanks for answered prayers.

Susie Smith stands, walks to the podium, and says, “Two months ago my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating, and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a mumbled gasp from the men in the congregat...

A Zebra walks into a pub and asks for a beer.

A Zebra walks into a pub and asks for a beer.

The bartender says "Sorry I can't serve you"
The Zebra asks "Why not?"

"Because you're barred" replies the bartender.


I just thought this up but I doubt I'm the first. Sorry if it is lame.

Imagine asking a blind girl out in braille

and she leaves you on felt

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My wife just caught me blow drying my penis and asked what I was doing.

Apparently "heating up your dinner" is NOT the correct answer

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"<...

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A blonde woman is speeding down an empty road when she’s pulled over by a blonde cop. The cop walks up to her window and asks for her driver’s license.

“Driver’s license?” the blonde driver asks, somewhat confused.

“You know, the little rectangle with your face on it that you keep in your purse,” the blonde cop explains patiently.

“Oh, that!” the blonde driver exclaims. She digs around in her purse and finally pulls out a small rectan...

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A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day"....

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A girl trying on some shorts asked her boyfriend, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’

The boyfriend went ‘Ummm, welllll, ahh….’
The girlfriend said ‘Come on honey. We’ve been together for so long now. You can tell me anything and I won’t be upset. I want you to be honest with me.’

‘Ok’ said the boyfriend
‘I fucked your sister’.

I asked my parachute instructor what happens if it doesn't open.

He said you're jumping to a conclusion.

Why didn't 4 ask out 5?

Because 4 was 2^(2).

A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman

“Have you got any bread”

Barman: “no sorry”

Duck: “have you got any bread”
Barman: “no”
Duck: ”have you got any bread”


Barman: “look I haven’t got any bread and if you ask again I’m gonna nail your beak to the bar”

Duck: “got any nails?”

Barman: “no”
<...

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before land...

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A little girl asks her Mom about the hair she is growing between her legs

The mom calmly replies , " The part where you are growing hair is called a monkey . Be proud that your monkey is growing hair"

This makes the little girl happy and she goes to her big sister and says , "My Monkey is growing hair."

This sister laughs and replies , " That is nothing ,...

A teacher asks her students a simple math question…

“There are 3 birds on a wire, one gets shot, how many are left?”

Little Johnny raises his hand, “there are none left, once the one bird was shot the other two flew away ”

Teacher tells Johnny he is wrong, but she likes the way he thinks.

Johnny then inquired, “may I ask you a qu...

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to...

Kid going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him "What's wrong?"

Nervous, the kid asks, "How long do I have to go to school for?"

"Until you're 18" says the father.

The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly.

=== =====

When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says "Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I'm 18,...

A young whale asks his dad where he came from.

Father: “When a mommy whale and a daddy whale love each other very much they make a baby whale.”

Son: “Thanks, dad!”

Father: “You’re whale cum, son!”

Fred came home from University in tears. "Mum, am I adopted?" he asked.

"No of course not," replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?”

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred ha...

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

A guy asks God...

"God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"

God said, "Sure, just a second."

The teacher asked Little jimmy, “if I give you 4 cats today and 2 more tomorrow, how many cats will you have?” Little Jimmy said, “Seven” The teacher said, “no Jimmy, four plus two equals six. Why did you say seven?

Little Jimmy said, because I already have a cat!”

After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma "honey", "sweetie", "baby", and "sugar". I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.

He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."

The teacher wants her students to express their love to their mothers, so she asks them to create a sentence with the phrase "There is only one mom"

Some innocent joke my father told me when I was a child. Not sure if this will make sense in english.

The teacher wants her students to express their love to their mother, so she asks them to create a sentence with the phrase "There is only one mom".

It's the first student's time, and ...

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A teacher asks little Johnny to say a sentence using the word Fascinate.

Little Johnny: "My sister's boobs are so big, that when she puts on her shirt with ten buttons, she can only fasten eight. "

A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"

"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."

Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"

"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."

Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I...

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An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"

Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

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The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.

I said "looking for cheap flights."

She got very exited and said "I love you," then got on her knees and

gave me the best blow job I've ever had.

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before.

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My sister asked me to bring her something hard to write on.

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

Nostradamus calls his son and asks him:

Why are you going to get a D in your math test, tomorrow?

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A woman home alone, answers a knock on the door to a man who just stood there and asked, "Do you have a vagina?"

She slams the door in disgust and tells her husband that night when he got home from work.

The next morning she answers a knock on the door. Its the same man and he asks the same question. "Do you have a vagina?"

Once again she slams the door.

She immediately gets on the phone...

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Husband ask wife

Husband- tell me something that makes me upset and happy at same time.
Wife, replied - between all your friends you have the biggest Dick.

A waiter walks up to a man and asks..

Waiter: "Sir, are you ready to order?"

Man: "I am, but my wife is in the bathroom."

Waiter: "Well do you know what she's having?"

Man: "It's been 10 minutes so probably a number 2."

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell the kid is “God is crying”

And if the kid asks why is God is crying, another cute thing to tell the kid is “probably because of something you did”

A lady walks into an ice cream shop. "Can I get a chocolate scoop on a cone?" she asks.

"Sorry, ma'am, but we're out of chocolate ice cream," says the man behind the counter.
"Oh, well then can I get a chocolate sundae?" she asks.
"We're out of chocolate," he repeats.
"Well, how about a chocolate milkshake?"
The man is frustrated at this point and decides to teach h...

Recently someone asked me what’s the hardest thing I’ve done in college.

I answered “contemplate suicide”. I saw they weren’t laughing so I quickly corrected and said “about 9 inches”. Needless to say my mother didn’t appreciate that answer either.

So I met a girl last night and we got talking. She asked me what my perfect date would be.

I said DD/MM/YYYY, anything else is just wrong.

I have the worst parents ever. I asked them how they felt on abortion, and they told me to ask my sister.

Not only did they not give a straight answer, I don't even have a sister.

New York is a great city. Today I was at the library, & I asked the librarian for a library card. He told me I first had to prove I was from New York.

So I stabbed him.

A New Yorker Asks for a Cab Ride to Chicago

A man gets in a cab at 33rd St. and Park Ave. and says, "I need to get to the Palmer House."

The cabbie says, "The Palmer House Hotel?"

The man says, "Yeah."

The cabbie says, "That's on Wabash in Chicago."

The man says, "Yeah."

The cabbie says, "I'm not gonna drive...

A kindergartner asks to use the bathroom

Teacher: “sing the ABC’s, then I’ll let you go”

Kindergartner: “A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z”

Teacher: “Where’s the P?”

Kindergartner: “It’s running down my pants!”

I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.

I heard a bang. "3:45 PM", he said.

The teacher asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week." "Good grief!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?" "He must be," said Little Johnny.

"He stopped calling for help yesterday

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for bottom deodorant.

The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman they have never sold bottom deodorant. The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter, that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.

The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing fu...

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A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she disco...

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“What’s your name, son?” a principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

“Do you have a stutter?” asked the principal. The student answered, “No sir, but my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

When he was a teenager, little Johnny’s father caught him reading one of his older sister’s magazines. “Son, why are you reading that sissy magazine?” he asked.

“There’s an article that tells women where to meet men,” Johnny responded, pointing to the magazine’s cover. “I need to know where I’m supposed to be.”

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A man asks a woman how to spell “yacht”

Woman: “Y-A-H-T”

Man: “where’s the C”

Woman: “under the fucking yacht”

A guy asks his friend "How much would it cost to buy a singing ensemble?"

The friend replies with "You mean a choir?"

To which the man says "Sorry, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?"

A gorgeous young redhead on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"...

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Jane had developed a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, got completely naked and laid down on...

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women. Once there, he asks a local: -There is really no women here? -None. -So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?

There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. After months in that village, every day the donkey seemed a little more attractive, so one day when a few other men asked him if he'd like to go to the don...

A man walks into a pub and asks the bar tender for the WiFi password.

The bar tender replies "You have to buy a drink first"
So the man buys a Coke.
"Ok now what's the WiFi password?"
The bar tender replies "you have to buy a drink first, all lower case, no spaces"

A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...

...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?

A Priest asks an atheist, what if god is real?

Atheist: He will forgive me

Priest: Why?

Atheist: Its his fault I am an atheist.

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Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was.

I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member o...

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I asked my girlfriend to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy roleplaying fun.

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

Nine years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a first date.

Today I finally asked her to marry me. She said “no you creepy weirdo”, both times.

I saw my son eating chocolate even after I confiscated all his Halloween candy. I asked him where he got that from.

He said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "it would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little plano. The piano man starts pla...

An American woman goes to Italy on business and asks her husband what she could bring back for him.

He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"

When she returns home he picks her up at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good," she replies.

"And did you bring something home for me?"

"Something, did I forget?" she asks.

"The Italian girl I asked ...

The other day, my friend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick instead,

She still isn’t talking to me.

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Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks...

"Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"

"Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for the diarrhea but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depress...

My friend once asked, “if killing your father is patricide and killing your mother is matricide what is it called when you kill your spouse?”

I responded, “pesticide”

My date asked if I'm a cat guy or a dog guy. I said

It depends how it's prepared.

I asked my wife why she never told me when she has the big O

She said she hates to bother me when I’m at work

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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

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A passenger in a cab leaned over and tapped the driver’s shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed in panic, swerved, lost control of the car and drove over the pavement stopping inches short of driving through a restaurant.



There was stunned silence in the car for a few seconds and then the driver said, “I am sorry. You really scared the daylights out of me.”...

Johnny raises his hand in class and asks, “Teacher do you think someone should get in trouble for something they didn’t do?”

The teacher responds, “Of course, not!”

Johnny: “Oh, good. I didn’t do my homework.”

I asked my wife I was the only one she’d ever been with

She said ‘yes, all the others were at least a 7 or 8!’

An American radio station once rang the British Embassy, and asked the ambassador what would be his ideal Christmas present.

He thought: ”I’d better not say anything extravagant or expensive, like a Rolls-Royce, because if they gave me something like that it would cause a scandal.” So he said: “A box of crystallised fruits.”

A couple of days later, in a holiday special, the station announced: “We asked amba...

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She told me that nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.

So I bought her nothing.

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it.

Apparently...
She left me two days ago...

Little boy asks his mom

Little boy. Mommy why were you bouncing up and down on Daddy's stomach last night?

Mother. Well if I didn't do that that he would get fat.

Little boy. Well it'll never work Mommy.

Mother. Why is that.

Little boy. Cuz after you bounce up and down in his stomach the babysit...

Everyone asked a 100-year-old man and his 98 year old wife for their health secrets:

The old man said: I'll tell you my secret.
I've been married for 75 years. Promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers.

So I've been walking 5 kilometers every day for past 75 years!

Everyone applauded and asked again:
But ho...

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My wife recently asked me "what's it like to have a penis?"

"It's hard sometimes.."

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A boy finally works up the courage to ask the girl he likes out on a date.

The girl, liking him back, agrees to go on the date.

The boy tells her "Before we go on our date, there's something I have to tell you about myself. I only eat insects."

The girl finds this to be very strange but accepts it because she likes him.

They go out to dinner and the gi...

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I’ve dated a twin once. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple. Ashley painted her nails pink…

….and Michael had a penis.

I asked my new girlfriend when her birthday was..

She said March 1st, So i walked round the room and asked her again...

A strange man asks, "What weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?"

I don't care please just get out of my house!

My 9 year old son has started asking awkward questions about the human body...

I suppose the freezer wasn't the best place to hide it.

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Therapist asks "How do you feel"

Therapist: How do you feel?

ME: With my hands.

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My sister was playing Truth or Dare with her friends. I listened from behind the door. The bottle landed on my sister and she said, "Truth." "When was the last time you had an orgasm?" her friend asked.

My sister replied, "A week ago."

I burst in through the door and yelled, "I knew you were faking it last night."

I saw down a side alley a load of epileptics gathered in a circle, watching two others shaking in the middle together. I asked one of them, 'What the hell is going on?'

He said, 'First rule of fit club is, you do not talk about fit club'

At a funeral, a man asks the widow if he may say a word

The widow replies of course.

The man stands up and says "Plethora".

The widow responds "Thanks, that means a lot".

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Mr. Dickson had a habit of asking daft questions to his pupils.

One day, he asked his 4th graders if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.



Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.



Kids came back the next day. No one knew the answer.



"Look," said Mr. Dickson...

A guy asked his sister what he can get her young daughter for Christmas.

She replied "anything Frozen".

So he got her a box of frozen fishsticks.

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A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

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I always ask what LGBT stands for...

But i never get a straight answer.




Ps: I'm very aware of its meaning(since im very gay).

A pony goes into a bar, and the bar tender asks him “why the long face?”

I didn’t make it into the men’s choir.

Well, you are a little horse.

One Sunday, little Johnny's grandpa asks him a question,

"Do you know what one eye said to the other eye?"
"No, grandpa."
"It said, Between you and me, something smells."

MY Wife asked

if I ever think about the hereafter.

I said I already do.

Every time I walk into another room, I ask myself, “Now, what am I here after?”

Two cannibals are eating a clown.. One looks at the other one and asks

Does this taste funny to you??

I asked my dog what’s two minus two.

He said nothing.

I asked my friend if I can borrow his nunchucks.

He said “Sure knock yourself out”

That’s the last thing I remember.

I asked my trainer at the gym if I could start shadow boxing.

He said, “Knock yourself out!”

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?"

The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$4.20". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after h...

I was asked if I wanted to take the elevator or stairs up.

I decided on the latter.

An officer asks a soldier...

Officer: Say, do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: Sure buddy!

Officer: That is no way to address an officer! Now, let's try again. Do you have change for a dollar?

Soldier: No SIR!

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I was asked to speak at a club for helping people with premature ejaculation. I asked what I should wear to the speech:

They told me I could just come in my pants

A murderer was secured to the electric chair, about to be executed.

The chaplain approached him and asked, "Do you have any last requests?"

"Yes," replied the murderer. "Would you hold my hand?"

A wife asked her husband,If you got a million dollars as lottery and kidnappers kidnapped me and asked a ransom of million dollars, what would you do?

The husband said, I don't think I could get 2 jackpots on the same day.

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My wife asked, “Do you know someone called Lisa?” “Nope”, I replied. “You must know somebody called Lisa”, she said. “Actually, that’s the name of my dog who died when I was a young kid. Why?” I replied.

“Because your dead dog just texted you and she fancies a shag tonight!”

A man calls the RV place where he bought his travel trailer to ask what he needs to do to winterize it. The guy says, “bring it on over and I’ll summarize it for you.”

“No, I need it winter-ize…never mind! I’ll figure it out myself!”

I asked the toy store sales assistant if they had any Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures in store...

She replied "Aisle B, back".

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"What do you want for your birthday?" asked my girlfriend.

"Anal sex " I replied

"Haahahaha, nice try. Tell me something I can buy".

"Ok,Anal sex with a prostitute".

A woman who worked at a glory hole was asked if she preferred some members over others. Her response?

All in all it's just another prick in the wall.

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin an...

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia.

She whispers, "They're right behind you!"

A man asked his friend," what do you call a dictionary on drugs? "

His friend replied," If it is addictionary I swear to God I am going to kill you."

The man replied," I was going to say ' high definition ' but yours is better.

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

My wife asked me which one of her friends would I prefer for a threesome.

I was supposed to stop at one, it seems ..

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My friends and I were drinking and starting asking Alexa stuff. Alexa, what is a blowjob? Alexa, what is rim job? Alexa, what is a golden shower?

That barmaid got pissed and threw us out.

I asked a musician why they all drink so much after their shows.

He said: Because we can't handle the boos.

A waiter checks on a table of Jewish mothers and asks:

Is anything ok?

A girl asked me are you a simp?

I said no my father was a simp, me and my brothers are actually Simpsons

A guy walks up to the ticket counter at an airport. He ask to buy a round trip ticket. The agent asks “to where?”

He says “to here!”

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A husband asked his wife: "Why do you watch cooking shows if you can’t cook?"

She replied: "Why do you bother watching porn?"

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where’s mom and dad?"

She replied, "They're up in bed," so the little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma the same question. She replied with the same answer and the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play....

A child asks his mother "mom, what is dark humor?"

The mother responds: do you see that man without hands? Tell him to clap. On wich the son says: but mom I'm blind. And the mom responds: Exactly.

Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the military is?

Every time I ask someone they say “it’s private.”

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Went to a steak house and the waitress asked how I wanted my steak.

I said, "just like I want my sex." She said, "we don't make them that rare."

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I asked my girlfriend if she liked my penis

She said it was perfect. The big ones hurt too much.

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess s...

Our dog suddenly ran to the front door and barked. "Who is that?", my son asked.

"It was the dog", I responded.

[OC] In a hurry to get ready, the girl asked her boyfriend "Where's my bra?"

A short time later she had to stammer: "No, take it off I'm in a hurry! I said 'WHERE', no 'WEAR' my bra!"


*(OC, any joke feedback? I tried to fix that terrible nun soap joke haha)*

I hate it when people ask me what the beginning of the pandemic was like.

I don't have 2020 vision.

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

My archaeologist friend was looking sad at work, so I asked him if there was something wrong

"Of course there is!" He said.

"My work is in ruins!"

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My therapist asked me “How’s your home life, stable?”

I said “No, just a small house down the street”

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

A guy walks into a cafe and asks for a bowl of chili.

The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl." He looks over and sees that the guy's bowl of chili is full. He says, "If you're not going to eat that, mind if I take it?" The other guys says, "No, help yourself." He starts to eat it and about halfway down, his fork hits something. It's ...

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A man walks into a bar and asks "There's a Great Dane tied up out front, who owns it?"

Another. guy stands up and says "that's my dog, is there a problem?"

"I'm sorry to tell you, my dog just killed your great dane."

"I can't believe it! My dog was a powerful, savage beast! I raised him from a pup to be a killer! What kind of dog do you have?"

"A Chihuaha."...

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