Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

Only anti-vaxxers will get this one...

Small-Pox

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My wife says that she will have butt sex if this hits the front page by the morning.

Please don't upvote she is on a business trip until tuesday.

What will happen if you have a wooden car with wooden engine and wooden wheels?

It wooden start.

Tell a man a joke he will laugh for a day

Tell a redditor a joke he will post it for a lifetime

If you work hard everyday, your hard work will pay off and you will eventually be successful.

My parents used to tell me that joke all the time.

Still remember it to this day.

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And for my next trick, I will dissapear

Fuck you pear, you taste like shit

A Mexican magician said "I will disappear on the count of three"

So he counted out loud...

"Uno!"

"Dos!"

And then \*poof\*...he vanished without a tres.

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

If you build a man a fire he will be warm for a couple hours.

If you set a man on fire he will be warm for the rest of his life.

Congress will never impeach Donald Trump.

Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

you look for fresh prince.

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Tampax have announced they will be removing the string from the tampon and replacing it with tinsel!

This will be for the Christmas period only

Everybody knows of Murphy's law, anything that can go wrong, will. But have you heard of Cole's Law?

It's usually just finely shredded cabbage.

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My wife said we should hire a maid. "The job will get done a lot more often, and they'll do a way better job!"

Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.

Only anti-vax people will get this one

measles

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Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish for mor-

Genie: No wishing for more wishes

Me: I wish for more genies

Genie: Holy shit.

All the new genies: Holy shit.

Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.” “Really? Why do you think so?”

“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”

Who will survive no nut november the longest?

The people with a severe nut allergy

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?"

The bartender says, "Let me see and I'll consider it."

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out "Chopsticks", the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock...

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Did you hear about the new Will Smith/Dwayne Johnson movie?

They play star-crossed lovers in the 1920s who are both struggling with a crisis of faith at their sexuality. The working title is:

"Dwayne Will Rock Smith's Johnson"

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

The British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be d...

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What can a married man get for $400 that will really spice up his sex life?

A divorce.

My friend tied me to a tree with a rope and told he will give me 50$ if I escape

I told him It's knot possible

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I will forever be a virgin

Because I never lose

What's big, green, and fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?

A pool table.

As a man I know I have something women will probably never have.

Pockets.

Sorry. On behalf of all of us.

Batman's dad's new name will be John in a retcon

He will be played by The Wayne, John's Son

In the future water will be like sarcasm

No one will get it.

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The tattoo parlour in my town is offering free tattoos to anyone willing to flash their boobs.

It’s a tit for tat offer.

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

Smoking will kill you...

Bacon will kill you...

But, smoking bacon will cure it.

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As it's my 5th birthday, mommy, will you tell me the story of where I came from?

*The mom replied:* Hmmm, OK sure, how can I explain... well you see sweety, mommy and daddy love each other very much, so one beautiful spring morning mommy told daddy she had a seed, a tiny little seed, and I thought we should grow that little seed into something special.
That night daddy fert...

If you ask my son why he joined the Army he will proudly tell you he joined to military to kill people.

He's a terrible doctor.

Give a man a plane ticket and he will fly for a day.

Push that man off a cliff, and he will fly for the rest of his life.

If I ripped out the first 100 pages of my dictionary, will I then be able to look up well, but and actually?

Well yes, but, actually no

I like a girl with a strong will.

And a weak won't.

There are so many reposts on this sub that all hope seems lost on original content. This post will say otherwise.

Otherwise.

Only Anti-Vaxers will get this.

Measles.















What will The Last Airbender be called when he turns 50?

Boomeraang

“ I swear i will kill someone if they fire me”

Said the bullet

What do you get when you combine corporate greed, sleazy politicians, and willful ignorance?

A climate crisis!

Here’s something that will make you smile.

Your face muscles.

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft office. I will find you...

You have my Word!

I have invented a golf ball that if its at least 3 ft from the hole it will go in.

Just dont put them in your back pocket......

I was once taught that stealing will result in karma

I was skeptical until I discovered r/jokes.

Bruce Willis will probably keep making action movies

Because you know what they say about old habits.

I don't care about your opinion, left will always be cozy and warm and right will always be cold and bitter

That's how the sink works

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Things I will never do if we date:

- give you up
- let you down
- run around and desert you
- give you an orgasm
- make you cry
- say goodbye
- tell a lie and hurt you

If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?

1GB

Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you...

An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.

God calls Satan.

"Hey, I think we misplaced an engineer and he ended up in Hell."

"Yeah, Carl. Been doing a wonderful job. We finally got an AC system up and running and the heaters are fixed. He even designed an auto-poker for the pitchfork teams."

"Send him back here, he belongs in Heaven."

"Y...

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Did you know that I can eat a rope and when it comes out the other end it will be tied?

I shit you knot!

This will give 1 or 2% a chuckle...

Two milk cartons and a bottle of creamer were discussing an issue:

Whole: I think we’ve covered the Whole thing.

Skim: Really? We just Skimmed over it.

Creamer: I would normally side with Whole on this point, but I’m actually Half and Half.

Warren Buffett once said “If you don't find a way to make money while you sleep, you will work until you die.”

and that's why I got into prostitution

What will they be wearing in Africa next month?

Houston Astros World Series Champion t-shirts.

What does the saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" mean?

It means you should go see a doctor​; you probably have osteoporosis.

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Two jokes that you will thank me for telling you

**The first joke can only be told by someone with a penis**

Call up a friend and say "Hey man/woman, i got a joke and it's a two parter. The first part of the joke is, what has a small dick and hangs down?" Regardless of their answer, it's a bat. Then say, "What has a big dick and hangs up?" ...

I don’t think anyone will ever get this.

E
A
Peace
S
T

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I've just found out that shouting "Who's the bastard in the black" will get you thrown out of not just football matches, but also funerals.

Sorry Grandma.

What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.



Sincerely,



The Internet Provider

What's the one lie Trump will never tell?

"Eric, you make me proud."

People who are cross eyed were probably never told "keep making that face and it will stay that way"

Double crossed imo

If a homeless man vows to find a job, then when he finally does, it will make him

#

#

a self-fulfilling profit.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

Winter is upon is, the poor will have to choose between food, heating

Or getting a new tattoo.

So we agreed with each other, when we have intercourse next time we will record it.

Let's just say there's one more gif in my gallery.

So apparently Julie Andrews (best known for playing Mary Poppins) will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick...

She claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.

In a statement, she said, “The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.

We have a saying in Morocco that goes, " Every Moroccan will go to heaven."

Because nobody goes to hell twice

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a
boat and drink beer all day

What's common between will to live and a girlfriend

I have none

Woman: "When will I meet my soulmate?"

Chiromancer: "Never."

Woman: "But you haven't looked at my palm."

Chiromancer: "I've looked at your face."

How much will the EU loose after brexit?

About 1 GB.

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”



So the man and his wife ...

My favorite part of the bible is when God gives everyone free will...

 

 

..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them.

They say you’re not the same person you were 5 seconds ago, nor will you be the same person 5 seconds from now. I beg to differ.

5 seconds ago, I was browsing Reddit. 5 seconds from now, I’ll still be browsing Reddit, but somehow 2 hours will have passed.

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Saw my dwarf neighbour at the bus stop this morning... So I stopped and said jump in i will give you a lift... "FUCK OFF" he screamed at me....

What an ungrateful bastard, I thought as i zipped up my backpack and continued walking.

What’s the definition of a will?

Come on guys, it’s a dead give away!

What will happen if you play CS:GO with Putin?

He'll Russia.

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

Always a seasonal delight, today we will look at how to make a pumpkin roll :

Step 1. Get a pumpkin.

Step 2. Take your pumpkin to the top of a hill.

Step 3. Give it a little push.

Step 4. Enjoy.

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has two humps, moves slow and will spit in your eyes when angry?

My mother-in law.
You were almost right,
she has a huge camel toe!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As you know, last year's Furrycon got out of hand. This year, I'm cracking down. Zero furry porn, and figure-hugging fursuits that are tight against the buttocks will not be allowed. This rule is 100% non-negotiable.

No yiffs, no butts.

I heard that Justin Timberlake will be doing one of the voices in the new dark crystal series

He’s bringing skeksis back

Goodwill has announced they will no longer accept donations of vape or tobacco products

Clothes, but no cigar.

"Dad,why did you take my name off your will ?"

"when i asked you to graduate from college, you only said that a single piece of paper can't decide my fate".

If you spell Breaking Bad backwards, you will get "Dab Gnikaerb"

Which still makes more sense than Game of thrones\` entire season 8

Whenever they say "fire at will..."

I always feel bad for Will.

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I want to find out what will make me happy in life, but it's like taking a photo with a shitty camera

Trying to get the big picture but focusing on all the wrong things.

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My wife said if this gets to hot she will lose her anal virginity tonight!

Please don’t, she’s out of town until next week

One day Canada will take over the world

Then you'll all be sorry

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

"Say something wise and your name will live forever"

- Anonymous

My friend asked, “Aren’t you concerned Florida will be submerged from climate change?”

I replied, I thought that’s what we were all trying to do, then we’ll stop.

When I was in college I went to a fortune teller and she told me that if I stay in school and get my degree I will be making a ridiculous amount of money

Turns out she was right!
Now I work as a crossing guard.

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I keep hearing people say that vaccines will make you artistic

But I’ve had my shots every year since birth and I still can’t draw for shit!

You ever notice how a lot of girls will trail off instead of finishing a sentence?

It’s because they only get one period per month.

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"


Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

...

The eleventh pun will always get a laugh

Even if no pun in ten did.

A joke I will always love

In the distant future when interstellar space travel is common place, scientists are traveling through galaxies to find life on other planets. On one planter many light years away, they find a giant granite statue statue of a man in a squatting position. Upon close inspection they find this statue i...

What snack will you always find at a KKK rally?

Salty Crackers.

My psychic told me i will be having bad luck until 30

He also told me you will get used to it after 30.

Someone just asked me, "Who do you think will win the 2020 Presidential Election?"

I said, I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.

Only anti-anti-vaxxers’ kids will get this...

Adulthood

A wealthy rabbi has passed away. According to the will, his estate was to be divvied up among his three sons...

A wealthy rabbi has passed away. According to the will, his estate was to be divvied up among his three sons - under one condition: after the funeral, each son was to put a 100 dollars in their father's grave as a sign of respect.

The eldest son went first. He took a $100 note from his wallet...

What time will the frost form?

In dew time.

An airplane was about to crash...

There was 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said “I am Steph Curry, considered one of NBA’s most prized players. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me and I can’t afford to die” So he took the 1st pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald ...

Your Ex, her boyfriend and her lawyer all suddenly fall down from the balcony at the same time. Who will hit the floor first?

You don't care.

Donald Trump's marriage will be fine.

He only went through a Stormy patch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What will Trump associates put on their toast this morning ?

Subpoena butter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

I wonder whether transparent coffins will ever catch on

Remains to be seen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: Doc, will I be ok?

Doctor: I doubt it based off the fact that Mercury is in Uranus right now.

Me: I don't believe in all of that astrology stuff.

Doctor: Me neither, my thermometer just broke in your ass though.

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A successful bussinessman has a work trip coming up and hes worried that his beautiful girlfriend will cheat on him when he is gone

So he goes to the best sex shop in town and starts looking through the toys. He sees dildos but doesn't feel they'll do the trick. He sees vibrators but also doesnt feel safe, so he goes to the owner. He asks for the best sex toy available. The owner goes to the back of the shop and gets a wooden bo...

Two cats are sitting on the roof. Which cat will fall off first?

The cat with the smaller [mu](https://www.britannica.com/science/coefficient-of-friction)!

Not sure if this will work outside of Scotland...

Two cows in a field, which one is on holiday?


- the one with the wee calf

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

We’d better get some support or people will think we’re nuts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pornhub promised to plant 1 tree for every 100 views. Guess what I will do.

I will single handedly save the plant.

Women will call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

After that, they’ll call me ugly and poor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

Blizzard Entertainment will need to stop offering Dental benefits

All their employees are way too afraid to open their mouths

Why do detectives look to a Will when searching for murder suspects?

Because a Will is a dead giveaway.

I will always remember my dad's final words to me:

"Son, throw me that hatchet over there!"

I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother-in-law who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles.

She gets off at 6.

When I was a young, I loved basketball and was a huge Michael Jordan fan. But I wasn't sure if I had enough talent to become a pro player. Until one day I saw this huge poster. In the poster Jordan points at me and the caption reads "JUST DO IT". I got tears in my eyes and decided "I will do IT! ".

That's how I became a web developer.

I was suffering from acidity, so my friend was helping me find ways to burp at will

Will did not appreciate it.

Scientists have discovered a plant so deadly that even standing under it will soon kill you

It's known as the water lily.

Why will Titanic II be better than Titanic I?

Because there are no icebergs to crash into anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

I will die in a month

but don't know in which one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gambler gets a notice from IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says:

"The reason for your audit is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle, but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do fo...

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

There was an old man who lived by a forest.

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the...

When space travel is affordable I will leave the Milky Way galaxy and move to the Soy Milky Way.

You could say that I'm galactose intolerant.

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls, and the souls of all your friends.

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

When will people stop eating ground pork?

When pigs fly.

Church Priests will hate 9/11 anniversaries from now

Because it turned 18 today

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