Who's the most famous blacksmith of all time?

Will Smith

Murphy's Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole's Law?

It's finely-shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

What's the definition of a will?

Come on guys it's a dead giveaway

Police are reporting that they have just located a truck of stollen goods

Though they are not hopeful that anyone will come forward to claim the German fruitcake.

My girlfriend starting crying tears of joy when I asked if she'd like to be in a foursome....

All I asked was "Will, you, Mary, me?"

If a girl says she will be ready in 5 minutes she will be.

No need to remind her about it every 15 minutes

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pornhub promised to plant 1 tree for every 100 views. Guess what I will do.

I will single handedly save the plant.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.

:)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

25 inch penis

A man with a 25 inch cock goes to the witch in the woods with hopes she can make it smaller.

the witch says to go further and find the magick talking frog. when you do, ask him if he will marry you. when he says no your dick shrinks 5 inches.

the man finds the frog and asks "will you m...

Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you...

An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.

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If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?

1GB

It would suck to be named Will at a shooting range.

"Fire at will"

Only Anti-Vaxers will get this.

Measles.

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A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

​

So the man a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

A Calvinist dies and goes to heaven

A Calvinist dies and goes to heaven. When he arrives, he sees two lines to get in. One is labeled "Predestination" and one is labeled "Free Will". So, being a Calvinist, he goes to the back of the Predestination line and waits for his turn.

When he gets to the front of the line, the angel loo...

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man who had a 25 inch long penis

A man who had a 25 inch long penis went to his doctor to complain that he was having a problem with this rather massive instrument and has had more than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?" The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothin...

I wonder whether transparent coffins will ever catch on

Remains to be seen

Tell a man a joke he will laugh for a day

Tell a Redditor a joke, he will repost for a lifetime

A Calvinist arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

He sees that there are two lines going in. One has a sign that reads "predestined," and the other, "free will". He naturally heads to the predestined line.

While waiting, an angel comes and asks him "Why are you in this line?"

He replies, "Because I chose it."

The angel looks su...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

If you commit 90 sins, you will only be caught for half of them.

Because sin90 = cot45.

An elderly man had serious hearing problems ....

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 %.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: "Your hea...

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”

He said, “NO!”

I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”

He said, “OK.”

I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”

Bill Gates said, “NO.”

I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”

Bill Gates said, “OK.”

I called ...

Officer at the shooting range: Get ready, aim, fire at will.

Soldier: Which one is Will?

Only Anti-Vaxxers Will Get This

Smallpox

I asked my wife what she will do when I won the lottery.

She said ''Divorce you and take half'' I said ''I won $10, here's $5 and there is the door."

I will never Vaccinate my children. It's not safe

I'd rather go to a professional doctor to vaccinate them for me.

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

A: 1 GB

My kid has a weight problem, but the doctor says he will outgrow it.

He should. He outgrew everything else!

I left three notes scattered around the house for my girlfriend.

I left three notes scattered around the house for my girlfriend. They say Will You and Me That will keep her busy whilst I watch football on TV.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

First blowjob!

A man goes to a bar and orders 10 shots of jaeger. The bartender says wow, thats a lot, you celebrating?

The man says yes! My first blowjob!

The bartender says congrats! Why 10?

The man says if that won't get the taste out, nothing will.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old one from good will hunting. (Slightly NSFW)

I love this movie. If you haven’t seen it, go watch it on Netflix.

So Will tells this joke during therapy:

A pilot is flying a commercial Airline plane. He says his whole “we’ll be cruising at 30K feet” thing, but when he finishes, he forgets to turn the mic off.
He turns to the co...

A woman tells her husband she was diagnosed with cancer.

Her husband tells he’s very sad and sorry for her. Once they get to bed, the wife asks:
‘Honey, when I’ll be... dead, will you marry someone else?’ The husband thinks for a while. ‘No.’
‘Why not? Don’t you like being married?’ ‘If you want me to, then yes.’ ‘Will she sleep in my part of the b...

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3.

He says "uno, dos..." *poof*. He disappeared without a tres.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"The average woman will receive verbal abuse six times a day," said my wife.

I said, "Honey, you're not the average woman. You're a million times what the average woman is."

"Aww, thanks babe," she replied.

I said, "It wasn't a compliment. Lose some fucking weight."

Why doesn't the army have anyone named Will?

They were all fired at.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question."

Please form a single-file line. And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sis...

Smoking will kill you ...

Bacon will kill you...

But, smoking bacon will cure it.

Will Trump resign?

No but Theresa May

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blowjob will make your day...

...whereas anal sex will make your hole weak.

This will hurt

Dentist says, "this will hurt a little "

Patient, "ok"

Dentist, "I've been sleeping with your wife"

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you

You have my Word

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way...

You know what they say, where there's a will...

there's a funeral.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

The cook promised a chicken that he will spare its life if it can guess their location.

In a state of panic, the chicken asked "What's going to happen to my family?!" The cook looked down with disappointment smeared on his face. "Help! Help!" the chicken clucked for his final minutes have arrived. "I need your guess now," said the cook as the deep frier began to sizzle. "A volcano, the...

When it comes to what I like most about dad jokes, I will say this:

this

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you.

The man replies,"Boobs!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After my wife's pregnancy, I had pulled my doctor aside and asked shyly, "When will we be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "My shift ends at 6, meet-up at the parking lot."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There once was a broke girl

She really wanted to get a tattoo, so she went to a reputable tattoo artist and begged him to do a piece for free.
He refused to do it, so she offered to show him her boobs for payment.
"You'd be willing to show me your boobs for a tattoo?" The tattoo artist said incredulously.
"Yes,"...

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

WARNING WILL CONTAIN ENDGAME SPOILERS

If falcon is the new captain america does that mean he is going to be captain falcon

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I will never forget the story of when I bought my first condoms

I was 16 year old at that time and got serious with my GF and we decided to bang for the first time.

So I took a trip to the pharmacy to buy some condoms. In the pharmacy was one really hot blonde pharmacist in her early 20s.

I then proceeded to look at the condoms like I was an exper...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wealthy neighbour told me she wants to change her will and she's going to leave everything to me.

Well, she can fuck right off and hire a Lawyer.

Tight bitch.

A will is a...

...dead giveaway.

Why will the Moon replace YouTube

It has lots of big craters

This joke brought to you by my girlfriend, you wouldn't know her, she goes to a different school .

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Names are interesting. You can get Bob from Rob, Bill from Will, but how do you get Dick from Richard?

You ask him nicely.

Only 2010s kids will get this

Measles.

What does Will Smith say when he touches a hot stove

Ahhhh that's hot

A group of adventurers on Mount Everest have banded together to clean up the stuff left behind by past expeditions. It will likely take them at least 3 years.

More if there are any vegetarians. Less if they develop a taste for freezer burned meat.

Some day, Canada will take over the world.

And then we'll all be sorry.

Just came up with this. Will be heartbroken if it exists

I walked into a brothel last week, the madame looked me up and down and asked if I liked femdom. Boy, she had me pegged

We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare...

Now, thanks to Reddit, we know this is not true.

A man and his wife are traveling to Jerusalem for vacation. After getting there, his wife suffers a heart attack and dies. Officials in Jerusalem say it will cost $30,000 to send her back to the US to be buried, or only $500 if they bury her there. The man thinks about it and returns the next day...

He says to the officials, “Okay, although expensive, I’ll pay the $30,000 to bring her home. I heard that you buried a man here once and he rose from the dead 3 days later and I just can’t take any chances.”

Will a woman ever be the president of Russia?

No, because Putin is not a woman.

went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?”

I replied, “No, I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”

Sometimes, I will squat to the floor, hug my legs, and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says “uno, dos...”

But before he can finish his sentence, a gunshot rings through the air and he falls to the floor, blood oozing out of his head. Screams are everywhere as the audience seeks cover.

His best friend Nathaniel is in the audience, but all he can do is sit there in shock and stare at the corpse of ...

For an experiment, a chemistry teacher takes out a $20 bill and put it's in a bottle of ethanol. He then ask his students if it will dissolve.

*A student raise his hand to answer.*

Student: No it won't dissolve sir.

Teacher: Really good! Now can you explain to the rest of the class why?

Student: You're so cheap, there's no way you would've sacrificed that $20.

Post Brexit, what will be the difference between a dollar and a British Pound?

A dollar.

"I will give one million dollars to the person who will fulfill my wish."

"What is my wish?" you ask?

"That somebody would give me two million dollars."

Many Valedictorians will begin their speech by telling what success means to them.

And why not? It’s a defining moment.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dad: If you continue to masturbate, you will go blind.

Son: Uh, dad, I'm over here...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I will always remember my grandpa’s last words.

“Hey! Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!”

I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law

Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The boy with the 25 inches long penis ...

The boy with the 25 inches long penis decided that he had had way too much. He was now fed up of being the subject of constant jokes of his friends, relatives and many-a-times, complete strangers.

There was a time when he was proud of his unusually long penis, thinking of it as an indicat...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's one thing that will always give you butterflies no matter what?

Caterpillars

What is something you can find under your son's bed which will terrify you more than your son?

A coconut

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’m gonna tell you something, but only anti-vaxers will get it

Tetanus

A lion will never cheat on his wife

But a tiger wood...

Making fun of anti-vaxxers will never get old

Just like their kids.

And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"

John came fifth and won a blender

Classic Giggle (I will forever double check before I send an email)

**After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.**

**Unfo...

Somehow it looks like Robert Kraft will get away with his little massage parlor incident...

This isn't the first time he got off...

The first image of a Black Hole will be revealed today

it will pull everyone together

In the new Star Trek Picard series, how will Picard ask Dr Crusher to marry him?

"Engage!"

I called my wife and told her that I will pick up Fish and Chips on the way from work, she didn't respond.

She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.

Why McDonald's will always be popular with the ladies.

It's got the big D.

I have decided that I will not vaccinate my children.

I think it should be done by a doctor with experience.

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You son of a ........

Why will Congress never impeach Trump?

Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pastor in church once made eye contact with me while giving a fiery sermon on how masturbators will burn in hell

Reluctantly, I put my penis back in my pants.

Telltale Games will shut down...

*Fans will remember that*

I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon.

If not, I won’t be able to live with myself.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Say what you will about porn stars...

But they’re fucking professionals.

If you are in an airplane, how will you know if you are already in Barcelona?

Stick your hand out of the airplane's window. if it's hot, you might be in africa, if it's cold, you might be in russia. If you lose your watch, you are already in barcelona.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a police officer on the news and he said "we will never forget about 911"

I thought, you better not, it's your fucking phone number.

A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.

The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.

“How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself.

Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work prope...

What’s big red and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A fire truck

Teacher: "One day our country will be corruption free", which tense is it?

Student: Future impossible tense.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Genie: I will grant you two wishes.

Guy: two? It’s always three, right?

Genie: look at your crotch.

Guy: Damn, that’s a huge dick that I have now.

Genie: I’ve been doing this for centuries. I know my business.

What will the ghostbusters be without Harold Ramis?

The Ghostbustrs

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An aged joke about a quirk of the medical world- perhaps some will enjoy it

A doctor fell in love with the nurse. She was nice, caring, joyous and beautiful. He noticed a mutual affection in their daily intercourse. And thus he decided that he had to confess his feelings to her. The fated day arrives. The Operation theater is empty. The patient, a child, is given a new lif...

if you put a man in a place where the temperature is -273.15°C for a while, will he be alright?

Yeah, he will be 0K.

Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.

He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So this couple had a huge fight and now they are so pissed they will only talk to each other by writing notes.

At one point. The man wrote a note to her wife: I have a very important appointment tommorow, wake me up at 7:30.

The wife reply by writing a note: ''Ok, fine!''

The following morning, the man wakes up, and watch his phone: 9:00!

He was super pissed. When he go up, he saw a note...

Will someone please make a picture book out of the Mueller Report

So Trump supporters can finally read it

I'm not sure how long my life as a calendar will last...

...but I know my days are numbered.

A zoo was having a lot of trouble with a female gorilla

The gorilla was in heat, but they had no male to couple her with. As she was getting more violent and aggressive by the hour, they tried to contact other zoos for a male, but none were available in a short amount of time.

Desperate, the zoo director calls John the janitor into his office.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.

Which means the UK will still have a functioning government.

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