A man walking on the beach stumbled on a bottle.

He picked it up and pulled the cork and a genie jumped out.

Genie: Thank you for freeing me. I will grant you one wish.

Man: I've heard this one, whatever I wish for will come back and bite me.

Genie: Nah man I won't do that. In fact if that happens I'll give you unlimited wishe...

If a woman says she'll be ready in 5 more minutes, she will.

You don't need to remind her every 15 minutes about it.

Who's the most famous blacksmith of all time?

Will Smith

My girlfriend starting crying tears of joy when I asked if she'd like to be in a foursome....

All I asked was "Will, you, Mary, me?"

What's the definition of a will?

Come on guys it's a dead giveaway

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?"

The bartender says, "Let me see and I'll consider it."

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out "Chopsticks", the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock...

Murphy's Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole's Law?

It's finely-shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

A Calvinist dies and goes to heaven

A Calvinist dies and goes to heaven. When he arrives, he sees two lines to get in. One is labeled "Predestination" and one is labeled "Free Will". So, being a Calvinist, he goes to the back of the Predestination line and waits for his turn.

When he gets to the front of the line, the angel loo...

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A man who had a 25 inch long penis

A man who had a 25 inch long penis went to his doctor to complain that he was having a problem with this rather massive instrument and has had more than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?" The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothin...

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Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish for mor-

Genie: No wishing for more wishes

Me: I wish for more genies

Genie: Holy shit.

All the new genies: Holy shit.

It would suck to be named Will at a shooting range.

"Fire at will"

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

The British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be d...

What's big, green, and fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?

A pool table.

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25 inch penis

A man with a 25 inch cock goes to the witch in the woods with hopes she can make it smaller.

the witch says to go further and find the magick talking frog. when you do, ask him if he will marry you. when he says no your dick shrinks 5 inches.

the man finds the frog and asks "will you m...

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As it's my 5th birthday, mommy, will you tell me the story of where I came from?

*The mom replied:* Hmmm, OK sure, how can I explain... well you see sweety, mommy and daddy love each other very much, so one beautiful spring morning mommy told daddy she had a seed, a tiny little seed, and I thought we should grow that little seed into something special.
That night daddy fert...

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And for my next trick I will disappear

Fuck you pear you taste like shit.

Smoking will kill you...

Bacon will kill you...

But, smoking bacon will cure it.

Police are reporting that they have just located a truck of stollen goods

Though they are not hopeful that anyone will come forward to claim the German fruitcake.

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

A Calvinist arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

He sees that there are two lines going in. One has a sign that reads "predestined," and the other, "free will". He naturally heads to the predestined line.

While waiting, an angel comes and asks him "Why are you in this line?"

He replies, "Because I chose it."

The angel looks su...

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

So apparently Julie Andrews (best known for playing Mary Poppins) will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick...

She claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.

In a statement, she said, “The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.

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Saw my dwarf neighbour at the bus stop this morning... So I stopped and said jump in i will give you a lift... "FUCK OFF" he screamed at me....

What an ungrateful bastard, I thought as i zipped up my backpack and continued walking.

An elderly man had serious hearing problems ....

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 %.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: "Your hea...

Only Anti-Vaxers will get this.

Measles.















Woman: "When will I meet my soulmate?"

Chiromancer: "Never."

Woman: "But you haven't looked at my palm."

Chiromancer: "I've looked at your face."

I heard that Justin Timberlake will be doing one of the voices in the new dark crystal series

He’s bringing skeksis back

My favorite part of the bible is when God gives everyone free will...

 

 

..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them.

If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?

1GB

Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you...

An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3.

He says "uno, dos..." *poof* he disappears without a tres.

A joke I will always love

In the distant future when interstellar space travel is common place, scientists are traveling through galaxies to find life on other planets. On one planter many light years away, they find a giant granite statue statue of a man in a squatting position. Upon close inspection they find this statue i...

Why will 6ix9ine get out of jail early?

Because mumble rappers never finish their sentences.

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First blowjob!

A man goes to a bar and orders 10 shots of jaeger. The bartender says wow, thats a lot, you celebrating?

The man says yes! My first blowjob!

The bartender says congrats! Why 10?

The man says if that won't get the taste out, nothing will.

Officer at the shooting range: Get ready, aim, fire at will.

Soldier: Which one is Will?

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Me: Doc, will I be ok?

Doctor: I doubt it based off the fact that Mercury is in Uranus right now.

Me: I don't believe in all of that astrology stuff.

Doctor: Me neither, my thermometer just broke in your ass though.

Women will call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

After that, they’ll call me ugly and poor.

Why will Titanic II be better than Titanic I?

Because there are no icebergs to crash into anymore.

I left three notes scattered around the house for my girlfriend.

I left three notes scattered around the house for my girlfriend. They say Will You and Me That will keep her busy whilst I watch football on TV.

A woman tells her husband she was diagnosed with cancer.

Her husband tells he’s very sad and sorry for her. Once they get to bed, the wife asks:
‘Honey, when I’ll be... dead, will you marry someone else?’ The husband thinks for a while. ‘No.’
‘Why not? Don’t you like being married?’ ‘If you want me to, then yes.’ ‘Will she sleep in my part of the b...

Not sure if this will work outside of Scotland...

Two cows in a field, which one is on holiday?


- the one with the wee calf

When space travel is affordable I will leave the Milky Way galaxy and move to the Soy Milky Way.

You could say that I'm galactose intolerant.

Why doesn't the army have anyone named Will?

They were all fired at.

One day Canada will take over the world

Then you'll all be sorry

I will always remember my dad's final words to me:

"Son, throw me that hatchet over there!"

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A successful bussinessman has a work trip coming up and hes worried that his beautiful girlfriend will cheat on him when he is gone

So he goes to the best sex shop in town and starts looking through the toys. He sees dildos but doesn't feel they'll do the trick. He sees vibrators but also doesnt feel safe, so he goes to the owner. He asks for the best sex toy available. The owner goes to the back of the shop and gets a wooden bo...

Church Priests will hate 9/11 anniversaries from now

Because it turned 18 today

You know what they say, where there's a will...

there's a funeral.

When it comes to what I like most about dad jokes, I will say this:

this

Procrastination will be my downfall.

Emphasis on “will”.

I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother-in-law who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles.

She gets off at 6.

Say what you will about Americans being fat and lazy...

but active shooters are always determined, dedicated, and in shape.

You should never cut off an addicts supply line, they will lash out in anger and do everything in their power to stop you.

This is why I avoid talking about abortions with my Priest.

"My biggest worry is that nobody will remember my name when I am gone."

~~ Some Dead Guy

What has a bunch of KKK’s and has been hated on for a long time, and will probably be hated until they’re all gone, unless they keep reproducing?

Kim. Khloe. Kourtney. Kris. Kanye. Kendall. Kylie.

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”



So the man and his wife ...

What snack will you always find at a KKK rally?

Salty Crackers.

When will people stop eating ground pork?

When pigs fly.

A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asks him,"What will it be there Mr.Seal?

The seal says,"Anything but a Canadian Club!

When a Queen Bee mates thousands of males gather round and try to impregnate her. Before the act of mating is done, she will have stored sperm inside her from about 30 to 50 males. This is an amazing aspect of nature.

So, much love to my man Jay-Z.

For a dollar, a change-maker will get you four quarters, or ten dimes, or twenty nickels...

That makes cents, right?

Magician: I will now cut this man's wife into 2 pieces

Sam: What kind of magic is this; turning one problem into two?

I will die in a month

but don't know in which one.

I wonder whether transparent coffins will ever catch on

Remains to be seen

I will never forget the day I got married.

I've tried everything: drugs, alcohol, even hypnosis.

Magician: and now for my final trick! I will disappear!

Then he grabs a pear from under the table and says:

you're the worst fruit ever!

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls, and the souls of all your friends.

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

Vampires will never get you pregnant without you knowing

They can’t come inside without permission.

Did you hear that the new Fast and Furious movie will only have one character?

The whole thing is Ludacris!

I’m trying to set the world record for counting from 0 to 1 in the fastest time. I will never give up, even if I can’t ever see and end in sight.

Currently on 0.876278134

A will is a...

...dead giveaway.

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There once was a broke girl

She really wanted to get a tattoo, so she went to a reputable tattoo artist and begged him to do a piece for free.
He refused to do it, so she offered to show him her boobs for payment.
"You'd be willing to show me your boobs for a tattoo?" The tattoo artist said incredulously.
"Yes,"...

50% of Christians say they will go to hell and back for Donald Trump

They're half right

My new line of heavy duty adult diapers will be called pangaea pull-ups,

It's for the super-incontinent

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl “Will you marry me?”

The girl said, “NO!” And the guy rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and Scotch and had tons of money in the bank and slept with lots of different women and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted and lived happily ever after. The End.

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Pornhub promised to plant 1 tree for every 100 views. Guess what I will do.

I will single handedly save the plant.

My microwave will like anything I feed it.

I give it expired food and it’ll still say MMMMMMMMMM.

A police officer at my school said “We will never forget nine eleven”

I said well i sure hope not it’s your phone number.

Will Smith has been connected to an armed robbery in Philadelphia...

They found fresh prints at the scene of the crime.

A joke that I will love forever.

You.

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A convent of Catholic nuns receives a letter saying the Pope himself will be visiting in just a few days

They are all very excited and nervous. Mothers Mary, Agnes, and Isadore take it upon themselves to prepare the convent to receive His Holiness and plan a simple but delicious meal of fresh caught fish from the local lake with herbs and vegetables from their own garden.

Agnes goes to the loca...

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The boy with the 25 inches long penis ...

The boy with the 25 inches long penis decided that he had had way too much. He was now fed up of being the subject of constant jokes of his friends, relatives and many-a-times, complete strangers.

There was a time when he was proud of his unusually long penis, thinking of it as an indicat...

The Mongolians are afraid that the Queen will still be alive on the 21st April 2026.

Because then she'll be a Hun dread.

To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you...

I have contacts.

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A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

My friend reckons he can throw a stick one mile and his dog will go and retrieve it....

I think that's far fetched.

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Husband: "honey, tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time"

Wife: "you have the largest penis of all your friends"

Likely only Malaysians will get it but since I always forget jokes that pop in my mind, I've decided to just post it here

A very frustrated Malaysian wife looks at her indecisive Spanish husband and says, "Jose, if you don't decide on a name right now, for our still unnamed 2 year old son, I'm giving him up for adoption!"

With a smirk on his face, Jose yells back, "Fine honey, you decide then, Juan or Don Juan ....

Wife's joke: "Next year will be good for people that wear glasses,"

"because it will be the first time they see 2020."

Say what you will about deaf people

Because they definitely won't hear you

Brother : Will u please kiss me... Only one time I wanna try it out

Sister : Well if u Incest .

Something bad will happen at the end of A B C D E F G H...

I JK.

If Darth Vader said "Nothing's gonna stop us now" instead of "There will be no one to stop us this time..."

Would that make him Mannequin Skywalker?

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one.

He's never gonna give you up.

I asked my wife what she will do when I won the lottery.

She said ''Divorce you and take half'' I said ''I won $10, here's $5 and there is the door."

My late uncle has left me a stately home in his will....

I haven't a clue where Sod hall is, but I'm sure it will be very grand....

A man jumps off a cliff with faith that God will save him

The man hits the ground full force and is left barely alive and bleeding out. A doctor passing by notices the struggling man and says, "Sir, I'm a doctor, please let me help you!" To which the man replies, "Get away from me! I have faith that God will heal me!" And the doctor walks away. Another doc...

A Make-a-Wish child wanted to know, if his favorite TV show was staged or real. The producers told him that he will need to wait for a little longer.

Now he's dying to know the truth.

Only intellectuals will understand

A dyslexic man walked into a bra

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Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

If I'm ever traveling near Loch Ness or Sasquatch's lair, I will carry a camera to be safe.

It is a documented fact that these dangerous monsters have never approached anyone who had a camera.

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

A: 1 GB

My horse will only let me ride him after dark.

He's a total night mare. *she

Don't you hate it when a teacher lies and says the homework will be a piece of cake?

It always tastes like paper.

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My wife said that if this post reaches more than 1000 upvotes she will agree to anal

with her boyfriend

I'm a theoretical physicist, and nobody will hire me

They all say my theoretical degree in physics doesn't make me qualified.

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A father once told his son, "Excessive masturbation will lead to blindness."

The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"

**WARNING: NOT FUNNY AT ALL WILL NOT MAKE YOU LAUGH**

Me: Wanna hear a joke about ghosts?

Friend: sure

Me: Thats the spirit

What will always get you laid?

Necrophilia

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved", else you will "burn".

Stupid firemen

I'm trying to keep my will very secret

But honestly, it's a dead give away

Say what you will about Jeffrey Epstein,

he always drove slower than the speed limit around schools.

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

Tell a man a joke he will laugh for a day

Tell a Redditor a joke, he will repost for a lifetime

Will people please stop calling me a hypochondriac!?

I'm sick of it.

Somebody told me that if you look at the symbols in the corner of a map and see the words "Bloody Rosemary," something horrible will happen.

But that's just an herb in legend.

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will hunt you down

You have my Word.

No one will talk about philosophy with me

I guess it's a pretty nietzsche subject

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If a man fucks 10000 other men, where will his name go?

In the Gayness book of world records.

A zoo was having a lot of trouble with a female gorilla

The gorilla was in heat, but they had no male to couple her with. As she was getting more violent and aggressive by the hour, they tried to contact other zoos for a male, but none were available in a short amount of time.

Desperate, the zoo director calls John the janitor into his office.
...

Why do Mormons think Christ’s second coming will be in America?

Because they think he will end their Missouri.

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Will that be dine-in or take away?

A bloke walked up to the counter and said "Burger & Chips thanks "

"Certainly sir" I said. "Will that be dine-in or take away?"

"Piss of ya bastard" he snapped before storming off with the food

I love working in the Prison Canteen!

I will for the teapot

Mick was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary to the hardware

store.

At the hardware store Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe to

finish serving a customer.

When Joe was finished, Mary asked, “How much...

Betsy: If you have $2, and you ask your father for $4, how much money will you have?

Billy: Two dollars.
Betsy: You don't know your math.
Billy: You don't know my father.

Will my girlfriend leave me because of my love of TV dramas?

Find out next week

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