Will Jokes - 127 Hilarious Will Jokes

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you.

Smoking bacon will cure it.

If a girl says she will be ready in 5 minutes, she will be

No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it

Tomorrow’s date will be 11/11

Unless you’re from the UK, in which case it’ll be 11/11

So according to Will Smith's actions...

You can ask Jada for head, but you can't talk about her head.

Only anti-vaxxers will get this

Measles

Why will congress never impeach Trump?

Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You son of a ........

Devil: This is the lake of lava you will be spending eternity in

Me: Actually, since we're underground, it would be magma

Devil: You understand this is why you're here, right?

Murphy's Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole's Law?

It's finely-shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

Pretty soon the only place you will be able to buy a Confederate flag will be the black market.

Oh the irony.

If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States

If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States

This is not a political post, I just want to travel

Why will the American people never convert to the metric system?

Because they'll never accept a foreign ruler.

I have two conditions in my will...

1) I want my remains spread around Disney World

2) I do not want to be cremated

Tell a man a joke, he will laugh for a day

Tell a Redditor a joke, he will repost it for a lifetime

Edit: Thank you kind Redditor for the Gold

9 months from now there will be a baby boom. 13 years later will give rise to the next generation, known as

Quarenteens.

To the person who hacked my account, I will find you

Edit: No you won't

How do you know Will Smith’s slap wasn’t staged?

His son wasn’t cast in it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oral sex will make your day,

but anal sex will make your hole weak.

People say smoking will give you diseases.

What they don't know is that it cures salmon.

As part of the merger, the PGA will control holes 1-8 and 12-18.

The Saudis do 9-11.

Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted.

Happy cake day to me :)

BREAKING: Due to inflation, Dollar Tree will be changing it’s name…

…to Tree Dollar.

Only 1300's kids will get this..

The Black Plague

Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

All countries will get the corona virus eventually...

China just got it right off the bat...

Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you

What they don’t tell you is that it cures salmon

Nobody will upvote a cake joke on my cake day.

Feeling desserted.

Vladimir Putin consulted with a fortune teller and asked: How long will I live?

The psychic replied: I cannot tell that but I do know you will die on a Ukrainian holiday.

Which holiday? Putin asked.

The psychic smiled and said. Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday

Give a Man a Fish and You Will Feed Him for a Day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year.

How do you follow Will Smith in a snow storm?

You follow the fresh prints.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"This term," said the English teacher, "we will be studying 'The Canterbury Tales' "

"But," she added, "to anticipate a question I get every year -- this will not include *The Nun's Priest's Tale*"

"Why not?" asked one of the pupils. The teacher's features shaped themselves into an expression of sour disapproval.

"Because," she answered, "*The Nun's Priest's Tale* is l...

God will protect me from COVID-19.

A good Christian man walked into Walmart and was offered a mask by the store greeter. The man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. Later the man went to his doctor for a routine check up. The doctor told him everything is fine and they also have all three different types of the...

I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”

He said, “NO!”

I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”

He said, “OK.”

I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”

Bill Gates said, “NO.”

I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”

Bill Gates said, “OK.”

I called ...

Vegans will be the first to invent intergalactic travel

Imagine living in the Milky Way

Rumor is that Toy Story 4 will focus on

Andy's mother's toys, which coincidentally are called Woody and Buzz too.

What will the USA be called if it spilt into 2?

USA and USB

Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you...

An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.

Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted

Edit: oh wow, this was my first time karma whoring on my cake day and I honestly wasn’t expecting this much attention. Thank you for all the awards and sorry if I didn’t respond to all the messages.

Shoutout to u/sse2k for “letting” me repost his joke.

Three words that will most certainly ruin a man's ego

"... are you in?"

If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?

1GB

I'm not saying you will down vote this, nor I will say you will upvote it…

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two inte...

One day, Canada will become a superpower and take over the whole world

Then you'll all be sorry

Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa

Because tomorrow he turns 81!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Will I Live to see 80?

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He
said I was doing fairly well for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think ...

What do Putin, Batman and Will Smith have in common?

They all attacked a comedian

Justin Timberlake announces that he will be joining the war in Ukrain.

Early reports suggest that he will be stationed somewhere along the Crimea River

Trump's wall will cost 21.6 billion, Nasa's budget is only 19 billion

Probably because Mexico has more aliens

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems"

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

Give a man a gun, he will rob a bank,

Give a man a bank and he will rob the world.

King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth did.

Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move one space at a time.

Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.

Hopefully, Biden will never be the leader of my country

Because if he is, something‘s gone wrong with the Canadian legal system

Will Smith defended his wife so well…

She’s definitely going to let him watch tonight.

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A pool table.

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

A: 1 GB

I met a beautiful, strong willed woman.

When I introduced myself as Frank she said "I wouldn't have pegged you as a Frank."

So I asked "What if my name was Joe?"

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you..

You have my Word.

Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut?

"NASA: The Sky's The Limit"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alec Baldwin has confirmed he will no longer be playing the role of Donald Trump on SNL

From now on he will play the role of Dick Cheney.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The sexual position formerly known as 69 will now be called 96....

Because the cost of eating out has gone up so much.

3,027 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It's 5050.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For every upvote this gets, my girlfriend and I will try one thrust of anal sex.

Please don't upvote. Her strap-on is huge.

I will never understand why manslaughter is illegal.

Men should be able to laugh at whatever they want.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast.

I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress hi...

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

REMINDER: If you have promised your SO that you will love them 24/7

Today is 24/7

My girlfriend told me she will leave me if I don't support Trump...

I said ok.. Biden

So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.

That is the joke. There's no punchline here.

Will smith used to be so full of life and fun

now he just seems *jaded*

Everyone’s heard of Cunningham’s Law - “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong”. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?

It’s thinly slice cabbage and mayo.

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3.

He says "uno, dos..." *poof*. He disappeared without a tres.

Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.

Priest - Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Is it? What about the guy who sells the liquor?
Priest - He will also go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Ok, what about the guy who sells pork tacos in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?
Priest - He too will go to Hell....

You will forget.

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After c...

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On average, an American man will have sex

two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

Did you know that koi fish will travel in groups of 4 for safety?

>!When in danger, kois A, B, and C will flee and escape, leaving behind the Decoy.!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.

Which means most countries will still have functioning governments.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The aussies will understand

Three men are hiking in the Australian outback. One man is an Englishman, another is a Frenchman, and the other is an Aussie man. The men come across a beautiful lake and decide to take a swim. Once they get out they’re greeted by indigenous tribesmen. The leader of the tribe says to the men “you ha...

Biden will NEVER get my guns

I keep them upstairs

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Chinese Tortures :).... Trust me You will love it.

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you ...

Genie granted me one wish, but with a condition that my enemy will get two times more

I asked for 120/80 blood pressure

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Starting today I will be completely avoiding German porn.

I just want to train myself to have a Hans-free orgasm.

To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you.

**I have contacts.**

Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.

He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

You're offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the entire world will get $100,000. You taking it?

Yes why wouldn't I want $150,000.

A guy goes to a hooker and asks "What will you do for fifty bucks?"

She replies "Anything."
"Anything?"
"An-y-thing."
"Great" he says. "Here's fifty bucks. Paint my house."

I will never date a girl who doesn’t understand algebra jokes

That’s why my x is no longer in the equation

Did you know Will Smith can make swords?

Of course he can; he's a blacksmith

Some may think the joke isn't funny, but I think it slaps.

A bank is a place that will lend you money

if you can prove that you don’t need it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter announces that due to overcrowding, only extremely gruesome deaths will be admitted into heaven today, sorry for any inconvenience.

The first man comes up and Pete says, "How did you die?"

"Well, I's been suspicious that me wife been cheating on me, so I comes home early from work today to catch her, I does. She acts all innocent, she does. She says, 'Go ahead, search the apartment if that will make you feel better,' she ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my therapist I'm afraid my girlfriend will cheat on me because I'm not that good in bed

He said "We have to work on your thrust issues"

North Korea will send man to Sun in 10 years

Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.

Then Kim Jong-un quietly answer...

What will happen if pigs can fly?

The price of pork would go up

Three things Christ promises he will never do

He won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

If I become POTUS, I will ban shredded cheese

This will Make America Grate Again

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Do not swear or god will punish you.

A man who is a habitual swearer is playing golf. And a priest is watching him playing. He takes his first shot, misses it. Mad, he says “fuck i missed it”. The priest says, “son, do not swear or god will punish you”. The man flips him and takes another shot. He completely misses it again. Furious, h...

Girlfriend: "One day I will marry and a lot of men will be sad that day."

Boyfriend: "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?"

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection...

Except Up.
He’s never gonna give you Up.

What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?

E-Lawn

Just got out of a relationship where He said that if I don’t love him my life will be miserable and I will suffer forever.

That’s why I’m converting out of Christianity.

If Will Smith, Amber Heard, and Chris Brown formed a band, what would its name be?

The Heavy Hitters.

This time next year you guys will be laughing about all the Coronavirus fears of today...

Not every one of you, of course.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"You're under arrest, anything you say CAN and WILL be held against you"

"Boobs!! Boobs!! Big boobs!!"

Say what you will about censorship on Reddit

[removed]

They say in every friend group there is 1 willing to commit murder

I killed the guy I suspected most before he could do any harm .

My doctor said if I get 1000 upvotes he will perform free LASIK surgery!!

Upvote for visibility.

Genie: What will your first wish be?

Dave: I want to be rich.

Genie: And your second wish?

Rich: I want lots of money.

If you sin 90 times, you will only get caught 50% of the time...

Because sin90 = cot45.

No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic.

We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.

Liz Cheney will agree to dismantle the January 6 Commission under one condition

That is if Donald Trump can go on a hunting trip with her Dad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

And for my next trick, I will dissapear

Fuck you pear, you taste like shit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Will Smith had to stand up for Jada. Imagine how hard it is knowing your wife can't have her hair

pulled during sex with other men

[long] European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language...

of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility . As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English ".

In the first year,...

Give a man a vegetable, he will eat for a day

Make a man a vegetable, he will be fed the rest of his life

What snack will you always find at a KKK rally?

Salty Crackers.

I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law

Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6

Businessman: How much will it cost to buy a large singing group? I need one for a party.

Lady: Do you mean a choir?

Businessman: Okay, fine. How much does it cost to acquire a large singing group?

What will happen if you have a wooden car with wooden engine and wooden wheels?

It wooden start.

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again.

I didn't get pulled over or anything, I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.

Elon Announces X will charge Users $1 A Year

So Elon Musk has announced that X will charge users $1 a year. Certain people are in an uproar. What's the big deal? I'm paying my ex $898 a month.

I do apologize for the terrible joke, but Elon handed us all puns on a silver platter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I become leader of the grammar Nazis, offenders will not be hung.

They will be hanged.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to find a porn director willing to hire me as a performer, but I couldn't...

Apparently I didn't look hard enough.

*(As you can probably tell by how stupid it is, I wrote this one myself.)*

When Chuck Norris made a joke about Will Smith's wife...

Will Smith slapped himself.

For an experiment, a chemistry teacher takes out a $20 bill and put it's in a bottle of ethanol. He then ask his students if it will dissolve.

*A student raise his hand to answer.*

Student: No it won't dissolve sir.

Teacher: Really good! Now can you explain to the rest of the class why?

Student: You're so cheap, there's no way you would've sacrificed that $20.

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