UPJOKE
wanttakerequiremustdemandnecessitynecessarynecessitatelifeindigencehopeaskshouldlackrequisite

I need a few brief jokes to tell to a group of elderly people. The punchlines need to be easily understood, and they need to be clean and not making fun of anyone with any kind of disability. Have any brief and fairly original jokes?

This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:

*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting "Boeing Boeing Boeing".
The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I need you to masturbate.

Employee : Sir, you called me?

Boss : Yeah, I need you to go to the rest room and masturbate.

Employee : (After a few minutes) Done, sir. Anything else that you'd like me to do?

Boss : Do it again.

Employee : (after a few minutes) Done again, sir. Anything else?
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I need a good Knock Knock joke.

A profile on a dating profile had the prompt "I'm funnier than you," so my opener was "Knock Knock." And now I'm fucked cause I don't actually know any decent ones other than the Randy Feltface one, which doesn't work with text.

Edit: Picked one. Let's see how it goes. I did not pick any of t...

How many germans do you need to change a lightbulb?

One, we are very efficient and not funny

My Roman doctor said I needed an IV.

I asked: “For what?”

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

All the proof you need.

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the law...

The CEO of a company was in need of a secretary

He spread ads all over town. A few days later, there was a knock on his door. It was a dog. He had a newspaper in his mouth. He opened it to the classifieds page and pointed to the ad that the CEO had placed. The CEO was impressed. But he thought it was a joke, so he decided to test the dog:

...

A poor cowboy needs a horse.

He buys the only horse he could afford, one that has its commands messed up.

"He'll go when you say 'whoa!' and stop when you say 'giddy up!'" instructs the seller.

The cowboy sets off riding the horse, feeling silly for saying 'whoa'. As he rides further, he sees an upcoming cliff. He...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

I need to re-home a dog.

It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

I need a raise.

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

F**ck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started goin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why doesn't any man need more than one rooster?

A cock a dude'll do.

My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.

So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his
knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.

The man o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Melania need to be on top when she and Trump have sex?

Because Trump can only fuck up.

My wife stopped me from taking my first bite at the restaurant, saying that we need to pray first.

"Nah, there's no need" I replied.

"But why?" she asked. "We always pray at home when I cook dinner."

"Because I think we'll be fine here, the chef knows what he's doing."

Cashier: Scans Condoms “Do you need a bag sir?"

Me: "Jesus. She’s not THAT ugly."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How old am I? I need to feel your breast..

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ ...

I need a funny punchline...

My bf is going on a trip and I thought it'd be fun to give him a joke and tell the punchline when he gets home. Only thing is we were on a time crunch and I just said the first thing that came to mind which was:

What do you call a sheep with 3 legs?

I have absolutely no idea so if anyo...

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and aske...

How many American conservatives do you need to screw in a lightbulb?

Ten.

One holds the bulb, the other nine wait for Fox News to spin it.

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

A friend in need.

I’m not going to say who…. but a friend just called and asked if I would loan her $400 to help pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I’m always willing to help out if I can. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, her brother called...

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise....

My boss asked “what companies? “

Gas, water and electricity

I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me “Do you need help?”

I said, “Yes, but I’m here to get whiskey instead.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Doctor tells the 90 Year Old Man that he needs a semen sample. "Bring back the specimen tomorrow."

The next day the old man comes back with the jar in hand. It's as clean and empty as it was the previous day.
"Did you have a little trouble?" asked the doctor.
A pause, then he says, "When I got home I tried, you know? First, with the right hand. Next, with the left hand. Nothing. That I ask...

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."r&...

I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, Why in the world do you need cyanide?
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they will throw b...

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decide...

You don't need a parachute to skydive.

You need a parachute to skydive twice.

My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”

That’s….not a good sign.

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"

"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

What vegetable do you need when you get a flat tire?

A-spare-I-guess.

All you need in life is 1 good friend

To delete your web browsing history after you die

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen

I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."

"Which doctor?", she replied.

"No, the regular kind."

Anyone need a job?

I hear Malaysia Airlines is looking for people.






^im ^so ^sorry

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.

I asked him why and he replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

Ebay needs to step their game up.

I searched for a cigarette lighter and 15,000 matches came up.

A man loses his job and REALLY needs money.

He is walking on the sidewalk when a demon from hell appears. The demon says “I will give you $100,000, but you must give me your wife.”

The man ponders the offer for a few seconds, then says “Okay, what’s the catch?”

The Sun doesn't need to go to college

Because it already has 28 million degrees.

If you wanted to buy a car in Russia, you needed to order it 10 years in advance and pay for it.

In Russia, if you wanted to buy a car you needed to order it 10 years in advance and pay for it. So a fellow goes to order a car, brings his cash, stands in line.
The clerk says, “Very good comrade, you will receive your car on this day, 10 years from now”.
The man asks “In the morning o...

If California splits into 3 states, we just need to make Puerto Rico a state.

We’d have a prime number of states and finally be “one nation, indivisible”

My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.

Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore.

Ruto, a politician, visited a village and and asked what their needs were.

”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager.
“Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.”

On hearing this, Ruto whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the ...

there's no need to be angry at lazy people

they didn't do anything.

A blonde walks into a dry cleaners and tells the woman at the counter, "I need to have an outfit washed."

The clerk was busy and slightly distracted, so she looked up from her work and said, "Come again?"

The blonde said, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

HR told me I need sexual harassment training

I told them I'm already an expert.

Apple/orchard jokes needed!

I work at an apple orchard as an orchardist. I also tent to narrate the hay rides a lot. I've tried to Google apple jokes but could only find two decent ones.

What is darth vaders favorite apple? Empire apples

Why did the chicken cross the orchard? To get to the other cider

Tho...

Is this the right sub? Need help repairing my fence.

It seems everyone knows how to repost here.

I told my wife she needed to start embracing her mistakes.

So she gave me a hug.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor said I need to stop masturbating. When I asked why, he said ..

Cause I’m trying to give you a physical

This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"

I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."

Need help solving a joke with no punchline

In April 1998, Roger Ebert published his review of Paulie, a movie about a talking bird on a road trip. He wrapped up the essay with a joke he claims to have made up.

"On the other hand, just to be fair, I should mention that parrots make great subjects for jokes. I know about a dozen, includ...

Sorry... but I need to vent!!!!

I experienced the WORST customer service today at a shop in town. I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed.


Yesterday I bought something from this shop. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work.


S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questi...

My Wife needed something to cheer her up...

That's why I surprised her with a bukkake party. Everyone came. You should've seen her face.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are three software engineers who find themselves needing a piss at their annual conference.

First one goes in, has his piss, comes out and after washing his hands he grabs a towel to dry them. And another, and another. Soon the bin is overflowing with used towels, but his hands are perfectly dry.
"At IBM, they teach us to be thorough"

Second one goes in, has his piss, comes out...

I need to tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

We need a doctor!

In a park at the University, a man grunts, takes a hand to the chest and collapses on the ground. A woman nearby starts screaming: "Help! We need a doctor here!" A passer by replies:
- I am doctor.
- Help! I think this man is having a heart attack!
- I am a doctor in mathematics.
- He's...

So my girlfriend just told me that she needed velocity...

Well, her exact words were "time and distance" but I knew what she meant.

Why don't Arab women need Insurance?

Because they are already covered.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How much space is needed for fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

Businessman: How much will it cost to buy a large singing group? I need one for a party.

Lady: Do you mean a choir?

Businessman: Okay, fine. How much does it cost to acquire a large singing group?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

Dear Dad, $chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad

Everybody needs to lay off the criticism of that Titan submarine guy and give him a break.

He’s under a lot of pressure right now.

An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man ...

How many psychiatrists are needed to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but they'll be more than 20 sessions to find that the lightbulb doesn't need to change.

A recruiter said to a candidate, "In this job, we need someone who is responsible"

The job applicant replies,

"I" am the one you want. In my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible. XD

A photon checks into a hotel and the front desk asks "Do you need help with your luggage"?

The photon replies "No thanks, I'm traveling light."

Help needed.

I work on a children's hospital, I'm known for the bad jokes I tell to the patients and their parents to cheer them up. I've actually ran out of jokes in the two and a half years I've worked there. I would REALLY appreciate if the community could tell me some new jokes that kids would get and find f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People need to stop calling me "Karen" It's so offensive.

Me: That's fine we'll go back to what we used to call you.

Karen: Thanks....

Me: You're welcome, Miserable fucking Bitch.

A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmact: "I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some petection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?"

The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
"TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves!"

Why do some covid patients need to take a shower?

Because they are starting to smell again

How many men do you need to defend Paris?

I have no idea. Nobody ever tried.

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

I asked the cashier “Could you give me small change instead of bills? I need money for the bus “

She said “That’s fare”

(This is not a joke) I'm a linguistic researcher that is working on the semiotic of jokes and need help to find exemples of a particular type of joke.

Hi, I hope this is not against the rules but I need help for a research paper centered around jokes, and this obviously looks like a good place for that.

I am working on linguistic structuralism to try to find the linguistic value of surprise in a joke. (I'm simplifying a lot, but i can expla...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With the economic downturn everyone needs to hustle.

So this middle-aged guy goes to the doctors for his check-up.
And the doctor looks in his eyes, ears, throat etc. Gets him to cough.
And then says “you have got terribly dirty balls”.
And the guy says, “look I am a very busy guy, let’s get on with the blood pressure etc”.
An...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think I need to find a new doctor, after my last prostrate exam

It’s never comfortable to be prodded up the butt, but I got suspicious when the doctor said, “I need to go deeper, this may hurt a bit”, and then he put both of his hands on my shoulders.

I need help translating my 11 month old's joke

"Dya nag nag da Mya gad... UH OH!" Followed by enormous laughter. Thanks for any help

I told myself I need to stop drinking so much

...But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo that talks to himself

Why did the Mexican man need Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

need help figuring out a joke.

A girl I know keeps telling my friends a joke about golf. She insists it's a joke and not a riddle but none of us get it. Here it is:

Four guys go golfing. The first guy tees up, and hits the ball super far. The second guy tees up, and hits the ball really terribly. The third guy tees up, and...

My friend said, “I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters.”

Me: That’s a terrible diet for a baby.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man accepts a job in a village with no women. Once there, he asks a local: -There is really no women here? -None. -So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?

There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. After months in that village, every day the donkey seemed a little more attractive, so one day when a few other men asked him if he'd like to go to the don...

My SUV needs all 4 tires replaced at a total cost of $800. That's more than the stimulus they gave us and so the wife freaked out a little.

I told her that it's no big deal and we can just rent a SUV for a day and it would only cost $50.

She said I was an idiot and that we would need an SUV for more then 24 hours.

Then I explained to her that it's more then enough time for me to swap the tires.

Why do pianists need so many knives?

They have to do a lot of Chopin.

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.


One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't hav...

To start a zoo, you need at least two pandas, a grizzly and three polars.

That's the bear minimum.

A middle aged man needs to buy condoms, but he doesn't know what size he needs...

So he asks the cashier at the checkout line. She reaches over the counter, grabs his crotch, and calls out over the intercom, "Medium condoms needed at register 3!"

An older gentleman has the same problem later that day, so the woman grabs his crotch and calls out, "Large condoms needed at r...

I'm bad for buying things I don't need...

Six months ago I bought an air purifier, it just sits in the corner of my room collecting dust.

To be saved you need either calvary or cavalry.

Both will save you, but one doesn't wait until you are dead.

A man goes into a drug store and asked to buy condoms the salesperson ask how many he needs

The man says I've been seeing this girl for a while and I am having dinner with her parents tonight and then we're going out and I think I'm going to get lucky I'll need 12.
that night the man is at dinner with his gf and her family and he asks if he can do the blessing.
after his prayer ...

Where do dogs go when they need a new tail?

A re-tail store.

I think it’s such a cute joke, it’s one of my favs :)

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

I need some technical advice.

Does anyone know how to deactivate the "Sock hiding" program in the washing machine?

I don't need a frontal lobotomy...

I need a bottle in front o' me!

Jokes i need your help

I'm on a road trip with a co-worker who hates corny, punny, cheesy and one liner type jokes. I love telling him those sorts of jokes trying to get him to laugh.

I had an idea. If you fine people hit me with some of your favorites, I'll spend the next two days telling him jokes and tell you wh...

Officer: I need you to try and identify the body I have to warn you the body was hacked up

Civilian: Yes, that’s my bother Reese

Officer: Are you sure?

Civilian: [nodding] those are Reese’s Pieces

Why do the Rolling Stones need a Realtor?

Because no one moves like Jagger..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If your asshole hurts and doctors are unable to identify the reason, you definitely need...

An Analyst.

An officer needed some change so he asked a near by soldier.

Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”

Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”

Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now, let’s try it again!”

Officer: “Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?”

Soldier: “No, SIR!”

Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous."

Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"

Surgeon: "I know, I am"

A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Angry I paid top dollar for a session with a sex therapist - only to be told I need to masturbate more.

I should have just taken matters into my own hands instead.

A boy desperately needs money to buy a new car

However, his mother forcibly tells him no. The boy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car.

Weeks later, the boy tells hi...

The other night my wife and I were getting frisky, she bit her lip and whispered in my ear, "I've been naughty and need to be punished!"

So I installed Windows 8 on her laptop...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

child labor needs to be internationally abolished

they never fucking make anything right

Need your advice

Grew up with very large ears and have always been conscious of them.

Couldn’t afford to get Otoplasty so I signed up for an experimental procedure that involved growing a new pair of ears on my body which would replace the old ones with a much more affordable surgical “cut and stitch” proced...

Scientists finally found out, how much sleep humans exactly need:

just five more minutes

One day, the monks at a monastery decided they need to raise money.

Friar Tuck decided to start a florist's shop. It was a success! All the villagers nearby loved to buy flowers from the men of God. All except one, that is. The local florist. He was getting run out of business by the monks. He went to the Friar and asked him to close their shop, but they refused....

Why did the nurse need a red pen?

In case she needed to draw blood.

I think I need glasses

Patient: "Doctor, I think I need glasses."
Teller: "You certainty do this is a bank."

I need jokes!!!

I come here needing all of your help!!!

I have a close friend who recently discovered he has cancer. He has been down in the dumps the last few days, so i cracked a cancer joke and it instantly made his day. I told him i will have a cancer joke everyday for him.

So i need you all t...

A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess

... so he goes to his priest.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a goo...

Why don’t horses need to go to a psychologist?

They’re very stable

My grandma told me this joke and I felt like I needed to share it.

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain tha...

My password needed to be 8 characters.

So I used “Snow White and the Seven
Dwarves.”

A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first hor...

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn."

Stupid firemen

[I originally saw this joke on a friend's facebook picture he shared](http://i.imgur.com/6Q1KD6K.jpg) but others have pointed me to:
[OP](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m4zpu/i_hate_those_people_who_knock_on_your_door_and/)
[OP2](https://www.reddit.com/r/Christi...

Helping a friend in need...

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but...

My wife says SHE is the main breadwinner and I need to treat her like SHE is the man of the house…

So I divorced her and took the house. (Credit The Joke Cafe https://thejokecafe.com)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to sal...

My doctor told me I needed to stop drinking because I had mitosis of the liver.

I looked at him aghast and asked if he meant cirrhosis of the liver? He said no, that I drink so much my liver is trying to split on me.

A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he’s needs a drink so he goes to a local bar

He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks “ you ain’t from around here are you?”

“No sir,” He says, “I’m from Minnesota”

“ What the hell do you do in Minnesota” the...

I went to the store and said to the worker, "I need a battery so I can tell the time." He asked, "Is it for a clock?" I answered...

"I don't know! That's why I need the battery!"

I need glasses to se my family..

specially two glasses or scotch

I needed a new Doctor so I checked Google.

All those Google Docs prescribed me was a bunch of new documents.

Why does Elon Musk needs therapy?

He's never stopped wanting his X

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I need help with my sex addiction...

I tried fucking everything!

Why does the army need people under the age of 5?

For the Infantry

A guy walks into the bar and looks the bartender in the eye and says "I need 10 shots"

The bartender lays them out and the man takes all 10 shots back to back.

In shock the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink like that before."

The man replies, "You'd drink like that too if you had what I had."

Sounding concerned, the bartender asks "Oh I'm sorry to hea...

I need help with a 17 year old joke about Jello and Communism

So my friend and I started this game 17 years ago where you have to come up with a jello (we altered the rules to allow *some* pastries) that fit a communist theme.

Everytime we come up with a new one we swear there are none left. I know he cheats, cos I cheat too. My sister came up with Ban...

Whenever I need to code..

BASIC is my go to language.

We really need to stop with all the Chuck Norris jokes!!!

Do you want him to find out you’re laughing at him?

What do you need if you're facing a RICO charge?

A "suave" defense! (For those old enough to understand).

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.