Just been playing frisbee with the dog,

bloody hopeless, need a flatter dog.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen

A man loses his job and REALLY needs money.

He is walking on the sidewalk when a demon from hell appears. The demon says “I will give you $100,000, but you must give me your wife.”

The man ponders the offer for a few seconds, then says “Okay, what’s the catch?”

I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

The U.S. Army really needs a better lost and found

I always hear about people losing their arms, legs and minds.

What's the difference between a hooker, a girlfriend, and a housewife?

Hooker: Are you done yet?
Girlfriend: You're done already?
Housewife: The ceiling needs to be painted.

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

To counter the Islamist movement, we need to inject more christianity into our children.

No, father, not THAT way.

I need everyone to wish me luck.

I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt.

I'm so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.

We need to stop giving women rights.

We need to give them lefts as well.

That way they can finally drive as good as men.

I felt the need to order a laser sight for my rifle.

I have been missing my ex-boyfriend a lot lately

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Job offers be like: we need a virgin with two years experience in sex

That's why I'll do my own business

I was in a liquor store and an employee asked me "Do you need help?"

I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

Disabled people have earned the word “special.” Special needs, special school and special requirements...

So it always alarms me when I hear special forces going to war!

Dad : “I need to call the doctor today.” Mom : “Which doctor?”

Dad : “No, the regular kind.”

I don’t believe in bros before hoes or hoes before bros. There just needs to be balance.

I call it a homie-hoe-stasis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All you need to do is

add an 's' after

"doesn't it"

and it becomes 12x better



>!Dozen tits!<

My friends tell me I need to start using the N-word more often

They say I'm too much of a yes man

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Never trust someone who really needs to take a dump

They're full of shit

Why did the Mexican need a Xanax?

For HISpanic attacks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alexa: I need sex.



**Husband:** Hey Alexa, I need sex.

**Alexa :** most certainly... you Don't worry. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 degrees.

The Viagra is kept on top right shelf of your wardrobe. The vagina gel is kept next to it.

I have hired your favourite Thai massager...

Funeral homes really need spoiler warning signs on the front of their doors.

In case any baby attends.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: Hello, Arnold? T-800, I need your help

Arnold: I’m not a terminator anymore, I’m retired

Me: But my house is filled with cockroaches & rats, please help!!!

Arnold: How‘s that my concern?

Me: If you’re retired doesn’t that make you an exterminator?

This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"

I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."

My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn't need glasses.

She drinks right out of the bottle.

Everyone says you need some kinda degree to succeed,

but we're all born with like 37c of them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you is all I need...

Not all this, "How the fuck did you get in my house?!" nonsense.

My doctor told me I'm going to need two prosthetic limbs.

It's gonna cost me an arm and a leg.

A ciclist who just started a farming business needs to harvest his crops, what does he do?

He buys sickles

Need a ship that can hold two of every animal?

I Noah guy..

I need a new bicycle chain.

Can anyone give me any links?

Next time you make dinner rolls, be sure and get some clay and make a model of it. Give it a name, and you will always find it useful in your time of need!

After all, it is important to have a roll model.



\-my grandpa

"What all do I need to travel to Europe?" A young woman asked a Travel Agent.

"Basically, a Passport and Visa."

"The Passport isn't a problem but do you think they'll take Master Card?"

How many potatoes do you need to kill an Irish man?

None.

How many Germans do you need to change a light bulb?

One. They are efficient but not funny.

A man and his wife were watching a Christian healing program on the television when the host says to walk up to the set, put their one hand on the television and the other on the part of their body that needs healing.

The wife slowly hobbles up, places her right hand on the Television, and places her left hand on her arthritic shoulder. The man walks up as well, placing his left hand on the television and his right hand on his crotch. The wife then says, “you just don’t get it, do you?” The husband replies, “what...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How old am I? I need to feel your breast..

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ ...

r/jokes has a discord and you need to join!

Over 10k members! Come see reposts in real time!

https://discord.gg/jokes

If you only see one thing in your life it needs to be the Grand Canyon.

It's gorges.

My doctor told my that I need to start wearing condoms on my ears when I go to sleep

That way I don’t get hearing aids

Although fiber helps pass stool, you need to be careful about the type of fiber you ingest.

From my experience, T-Shirts work well but Jeans are a big no.

Hi funny people I need your help.

I have a credit card that is made of metal and is very heavy. People frequently comment on how heavy it is and I have been trying to come up with a witty response for nearly two years now. I've tried, I'm hard on things, I think they are concerned I would wear it out and I take spending seriously bu...

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

Wife told husband: After you finish watering the plants, we need to talk about something I saw in your mobile phone...

... It has been more than 4 days the husband is still watering the plants

“Forget everything you learned in college. You won’t need it working here”

“I never went to college”

“Oh sorry. Unfortunately you’re not qualified to work here”

If anyone needs a boat

I happen to Noah guy

After every flight the pilots of Qantas airways leave a note to the mechanics that has problems that need to be fixed.When the next flight is due the mechanics leave a report that describes what they've done to fix the problem.

Problem: The left tire almost needs to be replaced
Report: The left tire was almost replaced

Problem: Something is unhooked in the cabin

Report: We rehooked something in the cabin

Problem: The autopilot loses 200 km/h altitude when engaged

Report: We haven't been able ...

God has been working very hard and needs a vacation

So Gabriel suggests he take a trip down to Earth, “After all,” says Gabriel, “You haven’t been there in forever and things have really been coming along.”

“Are you kidding me?” replies God, “Last time I went there, I banged some Jewish chick and they still haven’t stopped talking about it.”

”Do we need more toilet paper?”

“I don’t know, but if you buy some it wouldn’t go to waste.”

Well, technically it would.”

If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means that their owner has fallen and is in need of help

Follow the dog, and you'll get a free purse or wallet.

"You don't need to know what makes this burger taste so good"

- said an anonymous sauce.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As I got to the gym this afternoon, I started to really need to take a shit...

I walk in and go directly toward the bathrooms, straight into the first one I see. As I get in there I notice the toilet on a slant, with one side angling toward the ground... “Hmm..”
I look closer and also notice that the lid is cracked and there’s a leak with water going everywhere.

“Ve...

A boys mouth is hurting and it’s determined that be needs to get his wisdom teeth out

He and his dad go in tot eh dentist, the dentist puts him under with some laughing gas and gets the procedure done.
When he awakes the boy is sore from the procedure, “ugh I feel like I just got into a fight”

The dad responds
Yea some dentist knocked you out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes duck hunting at a local pond, he feels the need to relieve himself...

so he leans his shotgun up against a tree and starts to take a whiz, when suddenly a strong gust of wind comes along, and knocks the gun over. The weapon goes off and shoots birdshot into the man's penis.

Later, at the hospital, the doctor gives him the news: "I'm afraid your penis sustained...

I won a TV from Kellogs and need to get it fixed

But I cant find the cereal number

To make quicksand, all you need is 1 cup of maize cornflour and half a cup of water.

Let that sink in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tell my wife I'm close to 60,000 Karma on my Reddit, and she says the only Karma I need in my life is her..

I reminded her Karma's a Bitch..

Patient : The composite you put in my teeth were too soft. I need something harder

Dentist : Im sorry I cant do that

Patient : What? Why not?

Dentist : I just cant. No hard fillings.

What do you call a reptile that needs help?

Gatorade.

I need to know if this works

So I've come up with another joke. Feel like it's a bit 'meh'.



I think I had an invisible sniper friend once - his name was Theo Reticle.

- Boss, I need to leave 2 hours earlier, my wife wants me to go shopping with her.

- No way, go back to work.
- Thank you boss, I knew you wouldn’t let me down.

Girl, you don't need to call me Daddy...

Because you won't have any issues with me.

My wife said I need to stop questioning everything she says.

Does anyone know what she means by that?

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

Just in case she needed to draw blood!

Nurse: "We need a stool sample and a urine sample."

Man to wife: "What did she say?" Wife to husband: "They want your underwear."

So i bought some condoms from a chemist and the shop assistant said "Do you need a bag ?"..

"She's not that ugly" I replied...

Friends and family: You need to stop making suicide jokes

Me: Don't worry, I will soon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor told me I need to stop masturbating.

I was shocked. I didn't even hear him come in the exam room.

Anyone need some old copies of Chiropractor Monthly?

I have lots of back issues.

I need help making my wife disappear...

For a couple hours so I can plan a surprise night out for us!

A pretty girl knocks on the door and asks if he needs yard work

Johnny looks at her and is skeptical at first. He never saw a female gardener before, much less someone so attractive. He decides to give her a chance, and asks her to mow his lawn.

To his astonishment, she not only does an excellent job, but mows in an elaborate pattern that turns the lawn ...

I'm in desparate need of an alcoholic drink.

Well, I don't really need to worry, then; I've just come to the punch line.

Where does a good Christian spaghetti go when he needs guidance?

To his local pasta

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise....

My boss asked “what companies? “

Gas, water and electricity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A shot putter says to her coach "We need to talk about these 'supplements' you've been giving me"

He says "Anything the matter with them?" and she says "Well, to be honest, I do have a couple of concerns." She has a quick look around and pulls up the front of her shirt, revealing a thick mass of hair covering her chest and down as far as her waistband.

The coach blinks and says "And how f...

I need a brain transplant.

Change my mind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor: You really need to stop masturbating.

Me: Wow! You can tell that just from looking at me?

Doctor: No, I’m trying to finish your physical.

If you buy something from IKEA you need avengers

Avengers assemble

Our marriage councilor said I need to show my wife more appreciation for the things she does.

So this morning I slipped her a twenty and said “this is for last night”.

I don’t understand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People need to stop making fun of Alabama

They're 50th in education, they cant read that shit

I was watering the plants when my wife said "Can you come inside and unlock your phone after you're done watering the plants? There's something I need to see."

I have been watering the plants for the last four days.

After spending time with my Father on sunday today, I’ve come to the conclusion that I need a day to myself.

I’ll call it sonday.

r/jokes has a discord and you need to join!

Because I am getting pretty dam sick of y'all agreeing with each others.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has been getting progressively fatter and decides he needs to change.

He sees an advertisement that claims it'll help you lose 6 lbs in 3 days. With nothing to lose except 6 lbs he calls up the company and says hell give it a try. When he wakes up the next morning he hears a knock on the door and opens it to discover a topless brunette standing there. Smiling cheekish...

How can you tell you need a new hairdresser ?

The pile of swept-up ears in the corner.

I need help with my Sewing

Whoops, wrong thread

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You need to be extremely talented when you are the cameraman for porno.

It must be hard to film with only one hand.

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, “Something has just come up. I need to go fishing with the boss for the weekend.

We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas? I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”

He hurries home, grabs everything, and rushes off. Sunday night, he returns. His wife asks, “Did you have a good trip?”

“Oh yes, great! I think I r...

[BAR]: Hot woman *winks* so what a girl needs to do to get a drink around here

Me: You just ask at the bar for one and exchange it for money.

[3 days later]

Me *tying my shoelaces* wait a second

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.

He says, "No, I'm traveling light.”

What does a Redditor do when they need to delete a post

Shreddit

My wife said we need a new vacuum cleaner because ours really sucks

I replied: Well then why do we need a new one?

Old guy goes to the doc for a checkup and brings the wife along because he is hard of hearing. Doc: Everything looks okay but I still want to run some tests so I need a urine, feces, and sperm sample.

Old guy: (To wife) What did he say?

Wife: (loudly) He wants your underwear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the computer need to take viagra?

It had a floppy disk.

Current times are scary. We must rise up against it. We need current times resistance.

We need voltage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do you always need a jew in a coffee shop?

Cause hebrews the coffee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No one needs to spoil DC movies

Them bitches come out spoiled.

Elon Musk needs to start a new company,

Elon Must.

I need a hug.....

..e amount of money

Wife: I don't see any reason why you would need to drink a whole six pack right before you go to bed!

Me: That's only because there aren't any mirrors around here...

The sun doesn't need to go to college

because it already has 28 million degrees

I need a pencil sharpener.

Just to put it bluntly.

How many men do you need to defend France?

I don't know, they never tried it.

Little Johnny: 'mum, I need to go to the toilet,'

Mum: 'ok hang on....I'll help you in a minute'

Johnny: 'i want grandpa to take me, his hand shakes'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman needs balls to confess

That she has testicular cancer

Need help cheating on a test?

Just memorize the information the day before your teacher cant catch you because its all in your head

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do they need one ?

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too,"
Sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Need advice. My best friend started dealing cocaine today.

He came home tonight bragging about his first blow job.

You need to be aware of faulty underwear from the Ukraine.

Be careful, otherwise chernobyl fallout.

Blacksmith: "I'm almost done with this sword, I just need to work out the kinks."

Sword: "Hit me more!"

A guy walks into an auto parts store and says "I need a gas cap for m Chevy."

The guy behind the counter thinks for a second and says "OK, that sounds like a fair trade."

Why do you need a lot of people to fix a light bulb?

Because many hands make light work.

Chuck Norris doesn’t need a watch

HE decides what time it is.

A couple decide that they need a guard dog

So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”

The employee responds “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a chihuahua. The man was not impressed and said “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Need your eggs fertilized this Easter?

I've got a cock for that. Just needs grains 2x a day.

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