Just been playing frisbee with the dog,

bloody hopeless, need a flatter dog.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why doesn't any man need more than one rooster?

A cock a dude'll do.

A boy desperately needs money to buy a new car

However, his mother forcibly tells him no. The boy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car.

Weeks later, the boy tells hi...

I need help with my sewing

Whoops, wrong thread

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen

I know this is r/Jokes but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck.

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it's a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now. I'm so excited, I can barely put on my ski mask..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday. “We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday. “We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

....I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can ...

What's the difference between a hooker, a girlfriend, and a housewife?

Hooker: Are you done yet?
Girlfriend: You're done already?
Housewife: The ceiling needs to be painted.

I am taking a test and I need to know what element Au is. Can someone help me?

I'm going to fail this test if I don't have the answer

I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.

A man loses his job and REALLY needs money.

He is walking on the sidewalk when a demon from hell appears. The demon says “I will give you $100,000, but you must give me your wife.”

The man ponders the offer for a few seconds, then says “Okay, what’s the catch?”

The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said we need to exercise more. My response was sex can be exercise.

Her response to that was exercise has to last more than five minutes for it to count!

How much sleep do we all need?

Just 5 more minutes..

What's one thing you need to watch out for during a Jewish hurricane?

The flying de-bris

The fighting needs to stop

An archaeologist and 2 historians are sitting next to each other on a plane. The archaeologist took off his shoes. One of the historians asks the archaeologist to get him a coke. He says yes and when he gets up the historian spits in his shoe. When the archaeologist got back the other historian ask...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you need big boobs to work at Hooters

Do you need one leg to work at IHop?

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice

how many babies do you need to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

I have a special needs daughter, and she hates taking baths.

I don’t blame her. I don’t like soggy vegetables either.

I'm a Jehovah's Witness and I need help.

The door is locked

I think I need glasses

I was at the store picking out a desk calendar for next year but I couldn't make out a thing printed on them. I guess I don't have 20/20 vision

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl needs to go to her gynecologist for a check up.

She gets checked in and sits down on the table.

Doctor says "Alright, get naked and spread your legs." So she does and he starts to examine her.

The second he gets down there, she hears "Wow, you have a massive vagina! Wow, you have a massive vagina!"

She gets all offended an...

What does a snail wear when they need to carry a lot of things?

Escargot Pants

Still can't decide if I need a mirror or not

I need to reflect on this

Vampires need to stop turning their victims at such a young age.

Help end Premature Draculation.

Doctor: We're going to need to remove your colon

Me: OK, whatever you have to do to make me better

*six hours later*

Doctor: we're really sorry, but the operation wasn't successful. We only manage to remove half of your colon

Me; oh no...

Some people say jokes need punchlines

I say

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off.

"You're self-employed you stupid bastard," I said.

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

In case she needed to draw blood.

What did the condiment seller say to his boss when he need to go to the bathroom?

Please give me a break! I mustard!

A moss covered rock finds out he needs to wake up at 4AM for his new job

"Wow, that's a bit early for my lichen"

What does a female fish need when she has difficulties laying her eggs?

a SEA-section!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was down on his luck and in desperate need of a job.

He saw an ad in the newspaper about a sales position. He didn't know the first thing about sales, but figured he could learn, and so he contacted the company.

"It's simple," said the hiring manager. "You go door-to-door selling toothbrushes. Everyone needs a toothbrush, you should be able ...

Why did the cookie need to see a doctor?

Well, he was feeling kind of crummy.

How much room do you need to grow a fungus?

As mushroom as possible

I was in a liquor store and an employee asked me "Do you need help?"

I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"

A Make-a-Wish child wanted to know, if his favorite TV show was staged or real. The producers told him that he will need to wait for a little longer.

Now he's dying to know the truth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Doctor informed me that I need to stop masterbating... so I asked why?

He said, "I'm trying to do your check up"...

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

There's three important things you need to do when posting number jokes.

1. Know how to count

*Edit* 2. Proof read

I don’t believe in bros before hoes or hoes before bros. There just needs to be balance.

I call it a homie-hoe-stasis.

People need to stop putting flyers on my car.

No, I don’t want to see a band called “Parking Violation” at the “Courthouse” next Thursday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Engineer 1: we need a name for the front of the plane where the pilots sit

Engineer 2: dickhole

Engineer 1: almost

Why do Java developers need glasses?

Because they can't C#

We need to stop giving women rights.

We need to give them lefts as well.

That way they can finally drive as good as men.

Teacher (to class) : If you need to pee, put your hand up.

Girl : I tried that but it just ran through my fingers.

"You just need to relax Steve, it's just a minor surgery, it happens everyday with no issues" the surgeon said

The patient replies "But my name isn't Steve"

Nervously, the surgeon replies "But my name is"

You don't need to be good looking to be found attractive. You could be funny, smart, and kind.

So looks like I am striking out on a lot of fronts.

Disabled people have earned the word “special.” Special needs, special school and special requirements...

So it always alarms me when I hear special forces going to war!

I felt the need to order a laser sight for my rifle.

I have been missing my ex-boyfriend a lot lately

Choosing pencils is impossible for me, I'm always confused with the amount of blackness I need.

2B or not 2B, that is the question.

r/jokes has a discord and you need to join!

Over 10k members! Come see reposts in real time!

https://discord.gg/jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist says I need to live more in the present.

But that was last week.

Oh well. Maybe next week will be better.

Why does Snoop Dog need an umbrella?

For Drizzle

I dont think I need a spine.

Its holding me back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son, now that you've moved out you're going to need to get a couple things.

You're going to need a dishwasher to clean the dishes. A washing machine to clean your clothes. And a girlfriend so you have good sex. But for God's sake never let the three women meet.

I dont see why we need to leave our planet in a better state for future generations

The current generation cant get out of middle school before dying off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How old am I? I need to feel your breast..

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ ...

Mr. Epstein, we need you to testify about the people who used your "services".

Jeffrey: "Over my dead body!"

Doctor: You need to take this medicine after eating food

African kid: *cries*

GCSEs: Who needs them?

I've been lying on my CV for years and no one has checked them.

B in maths? I can't even count to B.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I went to the doctors yesterday and they told me I need to stop masturbating...

... Apparently they were trying to examine me or something like that.

To counter the Islamist movement, we need to inject more christianity into our children.

No, father, not THAT way.

My deaf girlfriend told me we need to re-evaluate our relationship

That was not a good sign

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I need me a girl with a contagious laugh...

So when she looks at my dick, I can laugh too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife decide they need to spice up their sex life (NSFW)

The wife buys a pair of crotchless underwear, puts them on, and goes into the bedroom. She seductively asks her husband, Hey Big Boy, do ya want some of this? The husband takes one look at her underwear and replies, Hell no! Look what that thing does to underwear!

My friends tell me I need to start using the N-word more often

They say I'm too much of a yes man

How many Germans do you need to change a light bulb?

One. They are efficient but not funny.

The U.S. Army really needs a better lost and found

I always hear about people losing their arms, legs and minds.

My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn't need glasses.

She drinks right out of the bottle.

This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"

I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The farmers daughter needs a husband.

Farmer Joe’s daughter Lucy has come of age and is a ravishingly pretty girl. Recognising his daughters raging hormonal moods of late, Farmer Joe puts the word out in town that it’s time to find her a husband.

There is no shortage of guys in town who would love to snap her up and sure enough ...

It has come to my attention that there might be something in need of adressing.

mysalad.

A man is on an elevator delivering jokes to children at a children's hospital when someone gets off at a floor and asks "Do you need to make a delivery on this floor?"

The man replies "no, this joke is next level"

A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove...

As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel."

The patient says, "My name isn't Daniel."

The doctor says, "Mine is."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you is all I need...

Not all this, "How the fuck did you get in my house?!" nonsense.

Why did the jar not need to be opened?

Because it was already ajar.

Everyone says you need some kinda degree to succeed,

but we're all born with like 37c of them

What do you call it when Jotaro needs to go grocery shopping?

JoJo's Bazaar Adventure

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise....

My boss asked “what companies? “

Gas, water and electricity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All you need to do is

add an 's' after

"doesn't it"

and it becomes 12x better



>!Dozen tits!<

Dad : “I need to call the doctor today.” Mom : “Which doctor?”

Dad : “No, the regular kind.”

So, this occurred to me wile i was in need of a tie and mine was in the dryer, so i had to call my friend Mitch.

It's either get Mitch, or tie dryin'.

Sam: Hey, you need help with your college homework?

New neighbor: That depends. How bright are you?

Sam: Well, I'm so bright, my mom calls me sun.

Why do salmons need no health insurance?

Because they get cured for free.

If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help.

Follow the dog and you'll get a free purse or wallet.

I told my wife she really needs to embrace her mistakes.

She hugged me and the kids right then.

"Hey, bro, I need a 50 dollar bill."

"What? Why do you need a $50?"



"I want to buy a thimble."



"A THIMBLE?? What do you need a thimble for? And since when were you into sewing anyways?



"Thewing? I need it for my drumthet."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes in life you need to stop, look deep inside yourself...

And find that sex toy you lost.

“Forget everything you learned in college. You won’t need it working here”

“I never went to college”

“Oh sorry. Unfortunately you’re not qualified to work here”

My doctor told my that I need to start wearing condoms on my ears when I go to sleep

That way I don’t get hearing aids

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: Hello, Arnold? T-800, I need your help

Arnold: I’m not a terminator anymore, I’m retired

Me: But my house is filled with cockroaches & rats, please help!!!

Arnold: How‘s that my concern?

Me: If you’re retired doesn’t that make you an exterminator?

Funeral homes really need spoiler warning signs on the front of their doors.

In case any baby attends.

How many mexicans do you need to replace a lightbulb?

Just Juan

My doctor tells me my visceral fat needs addressing...

... I'm considering Ranch or Thousand Island, do you have any other recommendations?

Why did the Mexican need a Xanax?

For HISpanic attacks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Never trust someone who really needs to take a dump

They're full of shit

Google announces new usage of an old tool: sending vital organs for surgery via landlines. The organ at the other end will be a working copy of the original, giving an unprecedented supply of life-saving organs to families in need.

They're calling it "The Fax of Life."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alexa: I need sex.



**Husband:** Hey Alexa, I need sex.

**Alexa :** most certainly... you Don't worry. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 degrees.

The Viagra is kept on top right shelf of your wardrobe. The vagina gel is kept next to it.

I have hired your favourite Thai massager...

A ciclist who just started a farming business needs to harvest his crops, what does he do?

He buys sickles

How many potatoes do you need to kill an Irish man?

None.

Wife told husband: After you finish watering the plants, we need to talk about something I saw in your mobile phone...

... It has been more than 4 days the husband is still watering the plants

I need a new bicycle chain.

Can anyone give me any links?

People need to cool with the FaceApp age filter...

It's getting old.

My doctor told me I'm going to need two prosthetic limbs.

It's gonna cost me an arm and a leg.

"What all do I need to travel to Europe?" A young woman asked a Travel Agent.

"Basically, a Passport and Visa."

"The Passport isn't a problem but do you think they'll take Master Card?"

Hi funny people I need your help.

I have a credit card that is made of metal and is very heavy. People frequently comment on how heavy it is and I have been trying to come up with a witty response for nearly two years now. I've tried, I'm hard on things, I think they are concerned I would wear it out and I take spending seriously bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tell my wife I'm close to 60,000 Karma on my Reddit, and she says the only Karma I need in my life is her..

I reminded her Karma's a Bitch..

Although fiber helps pass stool, you need to be careful about the type of fiber you ingest.

From my experience, T-Shirts work well but Jeans are a big no.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes duck hunting at a local pond, he feels the need to relieve himself...

so he leans his shotgun up against a tree and starts to take a whiz, when suddenly a strong gust of wind comes along, and knocks the gun over. The weapon goes off and shoots birdshot into the man's penis.

Later, at the hospital, the doctor gives him the news: "I'm afraid your penis sustained...

If you only see one thing in your life it needs to be the Grand Canyon.

It's gorges.

A man and his wife were watching a Christian healing program on the television when the host says to walk up to the set, put their one hand on the television and the other on the part of their body that needs healing.

The wife slowly hobbles up, places her right hand on the Television, and places her left hand on her arthritic shoulder. The man walks up as well, placing his left hand on the television and his right hand on his crotch. The wife then says, “you just don’t get it, do you?” The husband replies, “what...

Need a ship that can hold two of every animal?

I Noah guy..

Next time you make dinner rolls, be sure and get some clay and make a model of it. Give it a name, and you will always find it useful in your time of need!

After all, it is important to have a roll model.



\-my grandpa

If anyone needs a boat

I happen to Noah guy

God has been working very hard and needs a vacation

So Gabriel suggests he take a trip down to Earth, “After all,” says Gabriel, “You haven’t been there in forever and things have really been coming along.”

“Are you kidding me?” replies God, “Last time I went there, I banged some Jewish chick and they still haven’t stopped talking about it.”

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