A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

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I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

You don't need a parachute to skydive.

You need a parachute to skydive twice.

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"

"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

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Why doesn't any man need more than one rooster?

A cock a dude'll do.

I told my boss I needed a raise...

He asked why, I told him 3 companies are after me. He asked which companies, I said Gas, Electricity, and Water.

A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

I know this is r/Jokes but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck.

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it's a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now. I'm so excited, I can barely put on my ski mask..

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

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Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That's when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: Thats pretty impressive. You're hired.

Me: Thank you, I really need this Yob.

A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.

"We have two basic needs, honorable Sir", replied the village leader.


"Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor."


On hearing this, the politician brought out his phone, after speaking for a while he told them not to worry, a doctor will be there tomorrow, and he asked for the ...

A girl goes to a psychiatrist and complains, “I don’t want to marry, I am educated, independent and self sufficient. I don’t need a husband but my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”

Psychiatrist: “You, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But sometimes you will not go in the way you want. Sometimes you will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plan won’t work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled. Then whom will you blame? Will you blame yourself?”...

My girlfriend said “Hey, unlock your phone, I need to see something...”

And I said, “I don’t even let my wife go through my phone. Why don’t you trust me?”

I made a list of things I needed to do today

My crush then proceeded to roll a joint out of the paper I wrote it on.

Now she's high on my to-do list

A Canadian logging company needed to hire another lumberjack.

The first guy to apply was a short little skinny fellow, who was laughed at by the manager and told to leave.

"Just give me a chance," the little guy pleaded.

"Okay," the manager replied, "Grab your axe and cut down that cedar over there."

Two minutes later he was back at the ma...

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A DEA agent stopped at a ranch and told the rancher: "I need to inspect your ranch for illegal drugs."

The rancher, pointing over to the west, said: "Okay, just don't go in that field over there."

The DEA agent exploded, exclaiming: "Listen here, you bucktoothed hick! I have the FULL AUTHORITY of the UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT!"

"That may as well be," said the rancher, "But you'd bet...

I was in a bar yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really loud, so I timed my farts with the beats. After a couple songs I started to feel better. I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

If you need help building an ark...

I No-ah guy...

"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here."

"But I never went to college..." "Well then, I'm sorry. But you are unqualified to work here."

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid Firemen

Why does a golfer need to bring two pairs of pants golfing?

In case there’s a hole in one.

Postal service jokes don't need much setup

It's all in the delivery

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My therapist told me that I really need to stop stealing kitchen utensils

But this is a whisk I'm willing to take.

How many potatoes do you need to kill an irishman?

Zero

Employer - In this job, we need someone who is responsible.

Me - I’m the one you want!

Employer - Why is that so?

Me - On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.

A boy desperately needs money to buy a new car

However, his mother forcibly tells him no. The boy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car.

Weeks later, the boy tells hi...

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In 1935, a Nazi Landesinspekteur (State Inspector) needs to privately converse with Hitler.

When he finds Hitler's office, he knocks loudly. There's no response.

After waiting 20 seconds, he gets very impatient, opens the door, and just walks right in. To his surprise, he sees Hitler on the floor, apparently meditating deeply with his eyes shut, legs crossed, and arms hanging loosel...

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I needed a new way of saying, "If the shoe fits, then wear it."

I was in an argument with someone and didn't want to say, "If the shoe fits, then wear it."

And I came up with

"If the dildo fits then go fuck yourself."

:)

I got a new job helping a one armed typist when she needs to do capital letters

It's shift work

I need a new friend.

The last one escaped.

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Jeff was running late for a union meeting, and really needed to take a dump.

Finding the men's room clogged, he went up a floor in the auditorium, to find another bathroom. When he got up the stairs, he found a long hallway, leading to a door.

He opened the door, and found himself in a dimly lit attic.

His stomach gurgled, just as he spotted some light comin...

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You will never truly understand the need for nonviolent solutions...

Until a fly has landed on your testicles.

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all ...

A wife goes on a retreat for work for a few days. When she returns and enters the house, she puts her things away and then goes to do some much needed laundry. Upon her entry to the room, however, she finds a pair of panties on the floor that do not belong to her!

Furious, she questions her husband.

The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry, the maid does!"

The wife calms down and says, "Oh! So maybe these belong to the maid, could be she was doing her laundry here."

"Nah," said the husband musingly, "s...

Help! Short Military Jokes Needed

Presenting to a group of a couple hundred for Veterans Day and am looking to add a few jokes between presentations. Looking to poke fun at the different services with quick 2-3 sentence jokes. Anyone have an good quick jabs or jokes they could share?

I told my teenage daughter “There are two words you need to drop from your vocabulary. One is ‘awesome’ and the other is ‘gross’.”

“Okay,” she replies, “what are they?”

My girlfriend said I need to stop eating frozen poultry for every meal or she was leaving me.

I said, "I'll try but I don't think I can quit cold turkey."

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money.

“How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.

"They range from $2 to $2,000."

"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.

The salesman put a large device around the
man's neck, and said: "You just stick this red tube in your ear and run this cable down into your pocket." ...

There’s only one word you need to respond to a raging boomer.

And that’s ok.

Robert Downey Jr. got so rich from the MCU that he doesn't need to do much anymore.

So now he is just gonna Dolittle.

What did Palpatine say to the intern when they asked how many pizzas they needed for his birthday party?

"Order 66!"

I don't think i need a spine,

it's holding me back.

An inmate went to see the prison doctor and was dismayed to be told that he needed to have one of his kidneys removed. “Look,” said the prisoner, “you’ve already removed my tonsils, my adenoids, my spleen and my gallbladder, and now you want my kidney?

I only came to you in the first place to see if you could get me out of here.


The doctor was unruffled “And that’s exactly what I’m doing,” he answered, “bit by bit.

I need to clarify this

is it cheating if I give my wife's husband a hand job?

My Doctor sent me a message out of the blue saying I need to decrease the Sodium in my diet.

Confused that he would contact me by text, I sent back “K??”

He just sent back “Na”

Now I don’t know if I should or not.

How many people do you need to pet a bird that's on a high tree?

Not one, but toucan!

I told my boss that three different companies were after me, and I needed a raise to stay at my current job.

"Do you mind me asking which companies?", he said.

"Sure," I said. "Gas, Electric, and Cable".

Somebody needs to explain to me why all the mail I send to New England...

...ends up in Nebraska...

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Life is sometimes challenging. We all need to treat it like dogs do.

If you cant play with it or eat it, piss on it and walk away

I need help with my sewing

Whoops, wrong thread

An atheist in hell

An Athiest in hell



An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and th...

They needed donations for the local pool

Showed up with 2 buckets of water. They weren't pleased.

How many pilots do you need for good music?

Well, at least 22.

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at o...

What did the dad say to his family after asking if anyone needed to go to the bathroom before they left on a trip?

“Speak now or forever hold your pees”

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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, “I really need a new fucking boat.”

A person needs to write a letter, but when he picks up an instrument to write with, he realizes

He can’t write with a guitar

A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk

So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting

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I don't need anyone to run my sex life.

I run it single-handedly

Need some help

So my friend and I have been trying to think of some vegetable jokes but are struggling.

If anyone has one please lettuce know

Someone needs to end these Epstein memes

They aren’t going to kill themself

A lot of people are pretty upset about "fat shaming" jokes these days

Maybe they need to lighten up

How much room is needed for fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

My boss said that for this new contract need someone someone he can trust, someone reliable. I replied "You can count on me, my second name is reliable."

My first name is Un.

First attempt at cooking for my Italian girlfriend, she's due here any minute, and I think I royally screwed up the meal. Need help urgently!

Thyme is a factor.

I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.

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If you need big boobs to work at Hooters

Do you need one leg to work at IHop?

I really need to buy a new toilet bowl ...

The one I have is full

How much room do you need to make a fungus?

As mushrooms as possible

Ageing has caused me to need glasses.

Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner
with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"


Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."


The teacher responded by saying: "That would
be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, ho...

A man loses his job and REALLY needs money.

He is walking on the sidewalk when a demon from hell appears. The demon says “I will give you $100,000, but you must give me your wife.”

The man ponders the offer for a few seconds, then says “Okay, what’s the catch?”

I just got a new job and I start tomorrow. This morning I realized I needed a new pair of shoes and a new shirt.

I got up, drank some coffee went to Walmart. The sign on the door said, "NO SHOES, NO SHIRT, NO SERVICE" so I went home.

What temperature do you need to kill a boomer?

0 K

Bulls need to realize that when a matador waves his cape, he’s scamming them.

It’s a huge red flag.

My password needed eight characters

So I chose Snow White and the seven dwarves

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things.

Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish o...

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I need answers

If bedbugs are named that because they’re found in beds, how did they get the name cockroach?

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"


Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

...

I just found that my ex-girlfriend needs a kidney transplant

But I'm not worried, because her body hasn't rejected any organ in the last 5 years

-- Credits to Tom Cotter

Hey vegans, I saw your advocacy and I felt like I really needed to make an action myself

So I killed the cows. There you go, nobody's gonna eat your food anymore

A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first hor...

I needed to go to the optometrist the other day, guess who I bumped into?

Everyone

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

I’m not gonna need glasses next year

it will be 2020

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

My deaf girlfriend just told me “I think we need to talk”.

That’s not a good sign.

The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

With the success of BK's Impossible Whopper, McDonald's decided they needed a non-meat option too.

So they brought back the McRib.

An airplane was about to crash...

There was 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said “I am Steph Curry, considered one of NBA’s most prized players. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me and I can’t afford to die” So he took the 1st pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald ...

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I went to my doctor to see about scabs from masturbating all the time and if there was a treatment. He said I needed to stop masturbating immediately. I asked him "why?"

"Because I'm trying to examine you."

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The FBI had an open position for an assassin...

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the ci...

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[NSFW] I need to get something off my chest...

I just masturbated while lying down.

A 22 year old man is searching for himself after college

He decides to take a trip around the world with the money he’s saved up over the years. After traveling through Europe, Asia, the Americas and Africa he lands himself in Egypt.

In Egypt he rents a jeep and sets off to explore the desert. However, he realizes that he is lost. He becomes exhaus...

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My lizard needs some viagra...

Its got a reptile dysfunction

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A self-made millionaire decided that he was lonely and needed to find a mate. So, he organized a bit of a competition for it.

As his search neared the end he narrowed the choices down to four.

One was a doctor. She was a surgeon, made incredible money. She was focused and driven. Because she was so wealthy on her own, he knew she wasn't in it only for the money.

One was a lawyer. Again, a successful professio...

Xi Jinping needs some laxatives...

He just can't take a Pooh right now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With Japan beating Scotland in the rugby World Cup they just need to beat England

They already have a good record against whales

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

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Headache & testicles

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor says, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require removing your testicles.

You have a very rare condition...

Why doctors also need to attend Anger Management course?

A woman comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain "Please doctor, you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."

DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."

WOMAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

DOCTOR: "No, you don't unde...

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

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I need to find a new proctologist.

He makes me feel like I’m just another asshole.

I need Halloween costume ideas

I was planning on going as a yoghurt but then I realised it'd be considered cultural appropriation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was ha...

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Human race need assholes

because without them we are ALL full of shit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said we need to exercise more. My response was sex can be exercise.

Her response to that was exercise has to last more than five minutes for it to count!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Sir, I don’t think we need the Panama Canal anymore....”

“Why’s that?”

Show’s all of Central America underwater, including Mexico

“See? I told you we need that wall!”

Me- "Do you know in middle east most of married girls can't even vote on Facebook opinion poll".

Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east".
Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".

I was in a liquor store and an employee asked me "Do you need help?"

I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work.



(I can’t imagine this isn’t a repost, so delete if need be)

My grandmother is over 80 and she still doesn't need glasses.

Drinks straight from the bottle.

I am taking a test and I need to know what element Au is. Can someone help me?

I'm going to fail this test if I don't have the answer

Singers needed

in choir within your local church.

I don’t believe in bros before hoes or hoes before bros. There just needs to be balance.

I call it a homie-hoe-stasis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly.

So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said, “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.”
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, “Nope, it ain...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The world needs better terms...

Like who called it 'beard trimming and hair cutting' and not ladscaping?

2 "walks into a bar" jokes

1. So A dislexic kid walks into a bra...

2. A peice of rope walks into a bar, the bartender says "we dont serve your kind here". The rope walks out of the bar and unties the knot on his head, he walks back in and the bartender asks, "are you the same rope that was in here a minute ago?" And...

Blizzard Entertainment will need to stop offering Dental benefits

All their employees are way too afraid to open their mouths

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The magic hand. (Long)

A man was going to be going out of town for a while on a work trip, and wanted to make sure his wife didn’t cheat on him. So he decided to go to a sex toy shop to get her something to entertain herself with while he’s away. He enters the store and describes his predicament to the shopkeeper. “If you...

My fat friend admitted that I was less in need of a diet than him.

I said "that's very big of you."

[OC] My dentist told me that he needed to look for cavities.

I just wish he had put a glove on before he stuck his finger up my ass!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How old am I? I need to feel your breast..

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ ...

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.

I just need to work out if that’s my wife or my girlfriend

PATIENT: Doctor, I need your help. I’m addicted to checking my Twitter!

DOCTOR: I’m so sorry, I don’t follow.

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