I need to tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man ...

A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he’s needs a drink so he goes to a local bar

He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks “ you ain’t from around here are you?”

“No sir,” He says, “I’m from Minnesota”

“ What the hell do you do in Minnesota” the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here."

"But I never went to college."

"Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."

A big storm pulled my entire back fence out of the ground, I need some help fixing it.

Anybody on this site have experience in reposting?

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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The morti...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

MEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month

Hi John,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes h...

Anyone in need of any jousting work?

I'm going freelance.

Where does a dog go when it loses it’s tail and needs a new one?

A retail store.

To kill a french vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart.

Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

How many germans do you need to change a lightbulb?

One, we are very efficient and not funny

A single guy was living with his elderly father and running the family business. He realized he was going to inherit a fortune once his ailing father died and decided he needed a wife to share his life...

One day at the bank, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and made his move.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy." he said to her. "But in a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit 10 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.

A ...

How many schizophrenia patients do you need to fix a lightbulb?

Just one, his friend will hold the ladder.

An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome

An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks ...

How many redditors do you need to change a light bulb?

None, because they like dark mode.

I think we need to stop listening to scientists. They’ve been wrong about a fundamental topic...

...that you need a brain to survive. Look at Trump, he’s living proof that you don't.

You need to learn spreadsheets...

if you want to Excel in life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people word...

How much space would a single, fun guy need for his new apartment?

mushroom!

6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because he needed 3² meals a day.

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

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Good strippers need either cunning stunts..

Or stunning....

A duck waddles into the drug store and says, “Sorry, I don’t have my wallet today but I need to buy a condom.” The pharmacist says, “No problem. Shall I just put it on your bill?”

The duck exclaims, “Sir! What kind of a duck do you think I am?”

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

How many Florida men do you need before you can make change for a dollar?

You can't. Nobody in Florida has any cents.

I need an ambulance

911 Operator: 911 what's your emergency?

Drunk southern man: A man's been shot. I need an am-bu-ance.

911 Operator: Where are you at?

Man: I'm on Sycamore Street.

Operator: Sir you're going to have to spell that.

Man: Si... No, Sy... Tell you what, I'll drag him ov...

What kind of training to you need to become a garbage collector ?

None, you just pick it up as you go along

If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic

Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic:

There isn't any iceberg.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be ...

I hated the quarantine at first. Then I realized I have everything I need at my house, and I slowly started loving the isolation.

Probably it’s stock home syndrome.

I went to the liquor store and the guy working there asked me, “Do you need help?”

I said, “Yes, but I’ll get whiskey instead.”

My father always said, you need to fight fire with fire.

Great father, terrible fireman.

My Grandma is 96 years old and still doesn't need glasses.

She drinks straight from the bottle.

This guy said I needed thicker skin.

So I got a huge tattoo of Paris Hilton.

Some monks came down to a small village in need of carpentry. They offered to replace all the wooden pillars and support beams in all the buildings by themselves. When the villagers asked why they were being so generous, the head monk simply replied

"Isn't it obvious? We're reposting for karma."

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter… I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, “I really need a new boat.”

I am in desperate need of a Brain transplant

Change my mind

My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”

That is not a good sign.

‌‌A woma‌‌n stoppe‌‌d by‌‌, unannounced‌‌, a‌‌t he‌‌r son'‌‌s house‌‌. Sh‌‌e knocke‌‌d o‌‌n th‌‌e doo‌‌r the‌‌n immediatel‌‌y walke‌‌d in.

Sh‌‌e wa‌‌s shocke‌‌d t‌‌o se‌‌e he‌‌r daughter-in-la‌‌w lyin‌‌g o‌‌n th‌‌e couch‌‌, totall‌‌y naked‌‌. Sof‌‌t musi‌‌c wa‌‌s playing‌‌, an‌‌d th‌‌e arom‌‌a o‌‌f perfum‌‌e fille‌‌d th‌‌e room‌‌. "Wha‌‌t ar‌‌e yo‌‌u doing?!‌‌", sh‌‌e asked.

"I'‌‌m waitin‌‌g fo‌‌r Mik‌‌e t‌‌o com‌‌e hom‌‌e fro‌‌...

In need of your CORNIEST joke

My job does zoom meetings every day at 11, and tomorrow our ‘task’ is to come up with a corny joke. The cornier, the better. What do you got for me?

I can find jokes like this on google:
What do you call an alligator detective?

An investi-gator.

But I really wanna blow peopl...

R* doesnt need to make gta 6

We are living it

Where do food condiments go when they need to see a doctor?

The Mayo clinic

My mom hates when I take kitchen items that she needs and hides it in my room

But its a whisk I'm willing to take

I'm confused on what you need to enter a store or restaurant nowadays....

... is it a face mask or a brick?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman traveling in the bus needs to pee badly

She asks the driver to stop the bus. He says that they are running late and he can not stop the bus and that she will have to do it some other way.

Keeping everyone's comfort in mind, she decides that she will simply pee out of the window. So she goes to the end of the bus and relieves hersel...

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A man walks into a brothel...

Which is well known for its good looking ladies and good food.
He walks up to the desk and slams £1000 on the counter "I'd like the toughest most over cooked steak you do and the ugliest girl you have for one hour. But she needs to tell me she has a headache and to do it myself" The madame looks ...

How much time does Trump need to fix a problem?

It's too early to tell.

My wife told me I need to stop singing Wonderwall

I said, "maybe"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While doing a crossword, the cyclops asked his wife,"How do you spell Hawaii?" Karen replied, "You need two i’s." Cyclops growled...

"My life is just a big fucking joke to you, isn’t it Karen?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was addicted to pills and was told he needed help

He decided to quit after one last pill, he took a viagra.

When asked why he would take a viagra as his last pill he responded:

“Old habits die hard”

Where are those guys who told me I can earn 5k a month by sitting at home. We need to talk.

Sorry for ignoring you in the past.

“Mr. Sean Connery, Sir, could I perhaps look at your tool selection and borrow what I need to fix my broken, wall-mounted ledge?”

“By all means, help your shelf.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Bar needs a new pianist.

A bar needs a new pianist, so the owner puts up a sign in the window.
“Pianist wanted, apply within”.

A couple of hours later, a young man walks in, and says he is there to apply. The owner sits him down at the piano, and the man breaks out into the most beautiful song ever heard.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boss just asked, "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."

I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."

He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"

I said, "Monday."

We need to ban pre shredded cheese...

Make America grate again.

About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess.

So he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Guilders for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good...

"Doctor, doctor, I'm invisible! You need to check me out, I need help!"

"Well I'm sorry but I can't see you right now, please come back some other time".

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

I often used to jokingly say that there are too many people, we need a new plague.

This current one is just not working.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I pop a viagra every time I need to leave my apartment.

You don’t expect me to call the elevator with my finger, do you???

why does everyone say you need a parachute to go skydiving?

you dont. you only need one if you ant to go skydiving twice.

Young, healthy people need to take Covid-19 seriously.

Even though I am not at risk of dying from the condition, I have the responsibility to not spread the virus to a point where the healthcare needs exceed our capacity. If I am going to be the reason someone's grandma dies, it should be because of how good I am in bed, not because I sneezed in the pro...

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?

So you can log in.

I don't need to inject disinfectant

I'm still protected by that Tide pod I ate two years ago.

I need a raise.

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. ...

We need to show more appreciation towards people who created even the smallest joke

Because if it were easy, you would have came up with something funny by now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is told by a friend that he needs to seek some help for his irrational fear

So he goes to see a new therapist. The therapist asks the man what his fear is. The man responds:

"I am afraid of the Backstreet Boys"


The Therapist then responds:


"Tell me why"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock

"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."

So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes lat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple are down on their luck and are in desperate need for some money.

A couple are down on their luck and are in desperate need for some money. After a long discussion, the couple both decide that the wife should go into prostitution. So the next night husband drops his wife at a street corner and drives off. Just before sunrise the husband drives back to pick up his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

I live near a special needs school. There is a sign that says, SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY. That can't be good for their self esteem.

But look on the positive side, they can't read it.

Why do we need Trans visibility day?

Isn't that against the whole point of transparency?

Need an ark to save two of every animal?

I noah guy.

I never believed my teacher when she said I’d need Pythagoras later in life

Wait until my partner finds out I can’t cosine a loan.

Someone needs to start selling toilet paper infused with CBD oil

To calm all your asses down

A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they'll grant 3 requests before they scalp him.

The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free." So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset.

As t...

An executive of a company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispering, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked," Is your daddy home?"

"Yes." whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I understand that the doctor needs to feel my wife's boobs

But at the dinner table, it's just rude

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I Needed The Rake

I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn’t find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, “Where’s the rake?”


She couldn’t hear me and she shouted back, “What?”

I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and mad...

How much room does fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In college, all the fraternities rejected me because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it's going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Impeccable timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Fe...

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"

"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

I need to speak to your manager,

because I don't be Karen what you have to say.

What kind of bread always needs reminding?

Focaccia!

Even though Sea World is shut down, the animals still need to be taken care of

Obama answers the call for volunteers. On his first day, they assign him to feed the baby dolphins.

As he is doing so, another volunteer accosts him "Our country is in crisis. Don't you have anything better to do?"

He replied "I think I'm serving a youthful porpoise."

I drove past a special need school with a sign outside saying "Slow Children"

That can't be helping their self-esteem









Then again they can't read it

A tree needed to get off its computer

So it decided to log off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jake and Wallace need a tiebreaker.

Jake and Wallace are 12 year old twin brothers. As they were heading out to the car, they both called shotgun at the same time.

To break the tie, they decided to flip a coin, best out of three.

Jake picked heads, Wallace picked tails.

Jake flips the coin, it was heads.

...

We don't need to cancel the World Cup because of Covid-19

Because soccer players never get within 2 metres of each other anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A band needs a new member

A guy shows up and says "fuck black people."

They look at him shocked, and he goes on to say "Asians suck too."

They're gobsmacked, and then he says "don't even get me started on Mexicans."

Finally, the lead singer says to him "the ad was for a *bassist*."

The hunchback didn't believe he needed back surgery

He stands corrected.

With this whole virus pandemic, I think it’s become clear we need to get rid of certain races for potentially spreading the virus.

Like the Tour de France for example. Too many people standing right next to each other. Can’t be too cautious these days...

I have all the money I’ll ever need

If I die by 2 PM today

I don't know who needs to hear this

but I'm not going to read it out loud

Even robots need a day off.

When I was a young man in in Army Cadets, we had big ornamental robot that we called ‘old-iron-sides’ with a big brass bugle that would play all the calls to the troops. In the morning it would play ‘reveille’ to wake, ‘mess call’ for meals, ‘drill call’ to assemble in the square, etc. We all got so...

Girlfriend: Oh no how am I gonna tell dad I’m pregnant?

Me: Leave that to me

*later at dinner*

Her dad: *coughs* I need water

Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water!

If you ever need to look like you have a beard, glue a rabbit to your face.

And presto-chango, facial hare!

A mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to Tesco they said.

I felt a fool. Everyone else was wearing clothes.

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cop sees an old woman carrying two sacks...

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bat...

There was a little boy who needed $10 and he prayed to God for two weeks to get the money...

But nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God to ask for the $10. When the post office was to sort out the boy's letter addressed to 'God, America', they decided to deliver it to President Donald Trump. The President was impressed, touched and entertained by the boy's letter. He tol...

What is the one thing Foo Fighters need when buying a home?

The best, the best, the best of views

It's 2020. We need to WAKE UP. The biggest threat to humanity is here. This world is dying. We NEED to do something about this. We can't let this virus take over humanity.

Someone delete TikTok ffs.

After this Covid Pandemic I told myself I really need to stop drinking..

But I dont take advice from a drunk.

Why does a phone do not need glasses to see?

Because they have contacts

Dentist: You need a crown

Patient: Finally somebody who understands me

What is the worst thing to need as a scientist with a speech impediment?

a physicist's assistance

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

I hate it when people come and bang on your door spouting nonsense like, "You need to be saved or you'll burn!"

Stupid firemen...

The Pope died and they needed a successor.

They considered Cardinal Sicola, but he was not chosen because they didn’t want a Pope Sicola.

Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes earlier, but now I don't need glasses any more.

Heinz-sight is 20/20

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why doesn't any man need more than one rooster?

A cock a dude'll do.

English kid: Miss, I need a wee!

His Scottish teacher: A wee what, lad?

Voldemort: so I need to lie?

Pinocchio: yup!

Why does snoop dogg need an umbrella?

Fo drizzle my nizzle!

Damn girl, are you a piñata?

Cause imma need a blindfold to hit that.

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Dr wanted to run a series of tests and said he would need a blood sample, a stool sample, a urine sample and a semen sample.

So I left him my underwear.

A lion tamer had quit without notice and the circus manager needed someone to replace him for the next night's show.

He out an ad in the local paper and the next morning two applicants showed up outside his office. One was a rather ordinary looking young man and the other was a rather ravishing red headed beauty. Neither one of them looked very much like a lion trainer, but the manager was desperate.

"All r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in need of going to the toilet

When he's at the toilet, it was down for service.


He got pretty pissed after that happened.

I need a recommendation for a good breakfast wine.

Something that would compliment baloney pancakes - or a nice Cheetos frittata.

(Bonus points if I can make it myself in the bathtub.)

Why does the mineature jalepeño need to wear a sweater?

Because it's a little chilly.

Three idiots get lost in the desert......

After walking for hours, they begin to realize they are in trouble knowing they need water very soon. Fortunately for them they happen upon a crashed and deserted car, the first idiot: the radiator must have water, the second idiot the wind shield wiper container must have water, the third idiot doe...

If you ever need to use a bra as a makeshift face mask, always use the left cup.

Otherwise you'll look like a right tit.

Thanks to Corona a distance of 1.5 meters needs to be respected in my country

BMW drivers are proud, been using this technique for years.

Hello everyone! I'm a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.

I will be in my Lab if you need me.

What do Dutch people need to kiss?

tulips

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

They need to move China to Egypt ...

... because they are in a deep state of denial.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First I need to get some shit off my chest.

And then let my wife know I'm not into this fetish.

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