-It’s not the look that counts, but what is inside.

-OK, but to convince me, you need to provide an example.

-Fridge.

-You got me.

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at the weekend a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the ...

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So two aliens find their way to earth

They land in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger ...

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What do the testicles of a priest look like?

Silly question, every child knows that.

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

How does a penny look under a microscope?

Magnificent.

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his w...

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So there is this bus driver...

And every time a pretty girl gets on the bus the driver looks at her and says "tickle your ass with a feather?"

And if the woman responds positively he goes with it. But if she responds negatively he says "particularly nasty weather?"

So there is a homeless man that regularly rides th...

Doctor: Well, it looks like you're pregnant.

Woman: Oh my god! I'm pregnant?

Doctor: No, it just looks like you are.

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

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A married gynaecologist looks at his hand

"Some cunt has got my ring"

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

When you look really closely...

When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.

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A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

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The first thing I look for in a woman is intelligence,

because if she doesn't have that, there's a good chance I'll be able to fuck her.

My buddy questioned, "How do you get so many girls into bed with you?" I laughed, "Easy, I just do what Arnold Schwarzenegger does." Puzzled, he asked, "What, work out all day and look like a Greek God?"

"No, I pull out a shotgun and say, 'Come with me if you want to live'."

My gf asks me,"Honey,do these pants make me look fat?"

"No"I said,"Your fat makes you look fat"

And that's when the fight started

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Add a nipple to it.

I hate how woman always look at me like i'm a piece of meat

and feel the need to roast me.

Ask me a questions and once I've responded, edit that question to a new one to make me look stupid.

I'm having a rough day and I think this could be a fun way to change that!

Wife: “I look fat. I feel really down, can you give me a compliment?"

Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it. At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar.

He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender say...

Two parents are taking their newborn son for a stroll. A passerby looks into the carriage and exclaims, "What a beautiful baby!". The father thanks the passerby, and added, "Yes, my son here is some of my best work!"

The mother, slightly miffed, asks her husband, "Why did you take all the credit? I carried this baby for none months. I delivered him after 10 hours of labor. All you did was have10 minutes of fun!"

The husband replied, "When you have a good meal, who do you thank? The chef or the oven?"<...

How does the Hulk look in a suit?

*Smashing.*

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I went to visit my old hometown the other day and found the house I grew up in. I knocked on the door and asked the owners if I could have a look around. They said "NO!" and closed the door in my face.

My parents can be such jerks sometimes.

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear.

“Who was that?”

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Up the mountain, a japanese asked the wise man: "Master Akira, why every western man thinks that we, japanese, all look alike?"

"I am not Master Akira."

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

Warning!!! Don't look at the sun through a colander.

You'll strain your eyes.

What does an EMT look for in a girl?

A pulse

How would the world look if it were ruled by the Danish?

It would be a Pastryarchal Society

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I used to look down on porn

Then I got a TV stand

A bear walked into a restaurant and looks at the waiter and says “I’d like a grilled ................cheese.”.

The waiter said, “what’s with the big pause?”.

He said, “I’m a bear!”

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My girlfriend told me to go out & get something that makes her look sexy.

so, I got drunk.

A magician was working on a cruise ship

Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the sho...

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A middle-aged woman is conscious about the way she looks as she's coming of age...

Especially about the wrinkles that are starting to come out around her face. So she decides to go to the plastic surgeon.

"Doctor doctor, what can you do about these wrinkles?"

"Hmmm, in your case, I'd recommend a very innovative, yet very cheap method. I'll install these two tiny sc...

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.

He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on."

The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks w...

My girlfriend looks just like her mother when she does her makeup the right way

I could make myself look like my dad, but I don't have any vanishing cream

The doctor looked at me with a concerned look on his face and rasped, "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards."

I screamed, "AND!?"

I used to look down on hookers

Then I started paying them to be on top.

Sometimes I look at my life and envy school bus drivers...

At least all their problems are behind them

Mary had a little watch, she swallowed it one day. So all she took was castor oil, to pass the time away. The castor oil, it did not work, the time, it did not pass. So if you want to know what time it is, just look up Mary's

...uncle.

He's got a watch.

What do Pokemon do when they look at you through a window?

They pikachu.

Why did the Captain ask his first mate to come look at a new boat with him?

Because it never hurts to have an extra aye.

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An elderly couple are having breakfast together one morning. The wife, fanning herself, looks longingly across the table at her husband and says, “Shew-WEE! Eugene, I’m still just as hot for you right now as I was the day we married.”

Eugene rolls his eyes and says, “Ethel! One of yer tits is in yer coffee, and the othern’s in yer oatmeal!”

A soldier looks at the sky and suddenly yells: "we gotta act fast, it's about to neutralize our base!". His commanding officer says: "What the hell are you talking about, we ain't even at war!?"

The soldier replies: "Acid rain".

Your mom looks like a sewer....

Because her needlework is on point <3<3<3

Officer: “I’m sorry to say sir, but it looks like your wife was hit by a bus.”

Me: “Yeah, but she’s got a great personality!”

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Englishman and welshman

Englishman: "That your dog?"
Welshman: "Yep."
Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?"
Welshman: "Dog dont talk But."
Englishman: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Welshman: (Look of shock!)
Englishman: "Is this Welshman your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)
D...

Playing dodgeball with kids is much harder than it looks.

You have to use both your hands to throw them.

If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

**Ag**stralia

I think my wife is starting to get depressed with all this rain we’re getting. Everyday, I see her at the window with a sad look on her face.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her back inside.

Why was the man with no legs look so afraid?

He was all-armed

An anti-vaxxer, a flat earthed and an scientist walk into a restaurant. They see a sign that says “Finish our famous 32 oz steak in 15 minutes with 2 friends, win $200! Entry fee: $50” The scientist looks at the other two and says “are you guys thinking what I’m thinking?”

He takes a brief pause and then says “Oh yeah I forgot, you two can’t think.”

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

What is it called when a British person takes a good look at something?

Propaganda

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A group of doctors in a psychiatric ward wanted to look for an improvement in the mental stability of their patients, so they devised an experiment. A doctor put 5 patients in one room.

While in the room, this doctor went to the wall and drew a door (with a door knob and a keyhole). He told the 5 patients in the room to figure out how to open the door.



1st patient waved at the doctors, and tried to open the painted door.

2nd patient kept shouting at the door "...

Girl: Look mommy, my (you know what) is growing hair!

Mom: That's okay, it's natural that we grow hair on our monkeys!
Girl: Look sister, I'm growing hair on my monkey!
Sister: That's nothing, my monkeys already eating bananas!

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A black man and a white man walk into a bakery.

The black man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the white, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The white man says to the black man, "That's typical of you black people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

...

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An older woman gets pulled over for speeding.

While cruising along the highway, an older woman gets pulled over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car, the woman rolls down her window and asks "Is there a problem, officer?"

&nbsp;

The officer replies "Ma'am, you were speeding" to which woman simply replies "Oh, I see...

Relationships are like algebra: You look at your X and wonder Y

Relationships are like algebra:


You look at your X and wonder Y

Next year will be the year we all look back and

see everything so clearly because hindsight is 2020

I was in this bar in LA, and Kanye West walks in...He looks around and just walks back out.

Oh well. Yeezy come, Yeezy go.

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I wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me now…

But nooooooo! The mother fucker is still alive.

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A man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing a genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible."

"Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says "Well... for my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "How would you define peace?"

Mommy! Mommy! Look I'm running in circles!

Mom: Be quiet or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!

I started a business selling landmines that look like prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof!

I got funny looks when I gifted a fir tree as a housewarming gift.

I thought it would spruce the place up a bit.

What do you call it when a chicken looks at a lettuce?

Chicken Caesar Salad.

My wife said to me, "Honey, does this dress make me look fat?"

I said, "Don't worry hun, it's not the dress."

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out.

So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

A 50 year old guy goes to a surgeon to make himself look younger

The surgeon completes the surgery and it is a success.

"How do I look?" the man asks.

"You look 30 years young!" the surgeon replies.

The next day, the man goes to the gas station to fuel up and asks the cashier:

"Excuse me sir, how old do I look?"

The cashier resp...

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A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The little guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy s...

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say

"Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!"

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My Wife Says I Look Like A Young Adolf Hitler...

Guess Im Just NotSee-ing it.

"Whale whale whale look who it is." My buddy hates when I visit him at the aquarium.

He says I'm not using the word for its intended porpoise.

I work with a Chinese guy called Kim , and one time we were having a drink and I said to him “do you ever get fed up of westerners saying that all Chinese people look same?”

He replied “Kim’s at bar getting drinks, I’m his wife.”

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James is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Lucas, comes in to pee. He slyly looks over and is shocked at how supersize Lucas penis is. He can’t help himself, and asks him what his secret is.

“Well,” says Lucas, “every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bed three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!”

James was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out hi...

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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what i say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

I told a girl she looks better without glasses

Girl: "But I don't ever wear glasses"

Me (while cleaning my glasses): "But I do"

I have a doppelganger named Jake and we look so alike that no one who has seen us online can tell us apart except for one big giveaway

The real Jake is always in the comments

A dog limps into a saloon, with a bandage around his leg and a mean scowl. He looks around suspiciously. The barman, polishing whiskey glasses, eyes the dog and says ' Evenin' pardner, what happened to you? '

Dog replies 'Sombody shot my paw'.

What do you call someone that looks exactly like your spouse?

A doppelbanger

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

A man dies and goes to hell. a devil meets him at the gate and tells him to look around and find a place where he will stay for the eternity.

So the guy looks around and notices people in pain, suffering, flames, screams, tears everywhere. He can't find a place for himself so he keeps walking, looking, searching. At one point he looks down and sees a bit of sand...

"Sand, in hell? Weird" he thinks, lifts his eyes up and sees more s...

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People have been saying that I look like my cousin

I used the man filter on my face and look the spitting image of my cousin.

I showed it to her and she's pissed off with me now.

"You look wonderful, dear."

A man’s wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours, applying the “miracle” products.

Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and asked, “Darling, honestly now, w...

My German friend and I like to rate women at Walmart on their looks...

I hate to say the guy has low standards, but I saw a lot of twos and threes. He just kept yelling NINE, NINE, NINE, NINE.

The chicken and the egg are sharing a post coital cigarette, The egg looks at the chicken and says...

"Well, that answers that old question."

Does that masked man look suspicious to you?

Not really. The mask makes it hard to tell.

"Hey man look at that new trainee, She is hot, I think she is 36C"

Out of nowhere HR Manager comes behind me and says "What did you just say?"

I replies "Do you want to hear it in Fahrenheit ?"

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What does the Pope say when he looks into a toilet?

"Holy Shit!"

I always get weird looks

I always get weird looks from veterinarians when I salute them and thank them for their service to our country.

A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching a movie, the wife looks over at the husband and says "i bet you can't make me scream with only two fingers"

So he pokes her in the eyes

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My wife was feeling self conscious about her looks and said "I'm fucking ugly".

To which I responded, "we could have sex... then I'd be fucking ugly".

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"Nope." he replies. "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling y...

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

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If I call myself dumb, it makes it way more impressive when I do something smart. But if I call myself smart and then go and be dumb, I just look way more dumb.

Wow, I’m so smart for thinking of that!
Fuck—no wait—

Two blondes were walking in the park. One blonde says, "Aw! Look at that puppy with only one eye!"

So the other blonde covers an eye with her hand and says, "Where?"

Mirrors are weird. Everybody looks at them differently.

For instance, I look in a mirror, and in my opinion the mirror is the most beautiful thing, but if you looked in it, you'd be disgusted by the sight of pure hideousness.

Mirrors are weird.

A Man Notices His Tires Look a Little Flat

He takes his car to a local gas station with an air pump for the tires. He looks at the price for five minutes of air, and it says "$1.50". He then realizes he left his wallet at home. When he comes back with his wallet, the sign for the air pump says "$20" for five minutes. Baffled, he goes inside ...

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I got a call from a total stranger. He was asking to meet me in the woods so that he could take a look at my penis.....

Weirdo never showed up.

I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the

Spanish Ink Quiz Session

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