A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at the weekend a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the ...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

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So two aliens find their way to earth

They land in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger ...

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his w...

Your mom looks like a sewer....

Because her needlework is on point <3<3<3

I think my wife is starting to get depressed with all this rain we’re getting. Everyday, I see her at the window with a sad look on her face.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her back inside.

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter

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A man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing a genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible."

"Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says "Well... for my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "How would you define peace?"

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A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say

"Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!"

If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

**Ag**stralia

told my my wife she'd drawn her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Add a nipple to it.

Officer: “I’m sorry to say sir, but it looks like your wife was hit by a bus.”

Me: “Yeah, but she’s got a great personality!”

I told a girl she looks better without glasses

Girl: "But I don't ever wear glasses"

Me (while cleaning my glasses): "But I do"

A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching a movie, the wife looks over at the husband and says "i bet you can't make me scream with only two fingers"

So he pokes her in the eyes

A Man Notices His Tires Look a Little Flat

He takes his car to a local gas station with an air pump for the tires. He looks at the price for five minutes of air, and it says "$1.50". He then realizes he left his wallet at home. When he comes back with his wallet, the sign for the air pump says "$20" for five minutes. Baffled, he goes inside ...

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I got a call from a total stranger. He was asking to meet me in the woods so that he could take a look at my penis.....

Weirdo never showed up.

Two blondes were walking in the park. One blonde says, "Aw! Look at that puppy with only one eye!"

So the other blonde covers an eye with her hand and says, "Where?"

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Ever notice that a walnut looks just like a horse's asshole?

Tastes pretty much the same too.

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Englishman and welshman

Englishman: "That your dog?"
Welshman: "Yep."
Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?"
Welshman: "Dog dont talk But."
Englishman: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Welshman: (Look of shock!)
Englishman: "Is this Welshman your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)
D...

Look I don’t know who this “Rorschach” guy is

But he’s got some nerve painting my parents fighting so often

Old guy goes to the doc for a checkup and brings the wife along because he is hard of hearing. Doc: Everything looks okay but I still want to run some tests so I need a urine, feces, and sperm sample.

Old guy: (To wife) What did he say?

Wife: (loudly) He wants your underwear.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

A magician was working on a cruise ship

Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the sho...

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If I call myself dumb, it makes it way more impressive when I do something smart. But if I call myself smart and then go and be dumb, I just look way more dumb.

Wow, I’m so smart for thinking of that!
Fuck—no wait—

What do you call 2 octopuses born at the same time that look the same?

Itentacle twins.

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The son comes home with an ear piercing in his left ear. The father looks at him and says:

- Son, there are two types of men who have a earing.
Gays and pirates.
Now i'm gonna look out this window and you better hope i see a ship

I didn’t understand why everyone gave me a dirty look when I called the two girls hipsters...

Apparently the proper term is “conjoined twins”

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Husband to wife: “I’m not sure why, but every time I look at myself naked in the mirror I get a massive erection”

Wife to husband: “It’s because you’re a cunt”

Horse looks at a car engine.

"I fail to see how 350 of us are going to fit in here."

You know how birds fly in V-formation and one side always looks longer? You know why that is?

More birds on that side.

What does cheese say when it looks at itself in the mirror?

Halloumi

When I'm feeling down, I tend to look at pictures of my well-endowed ex-girlfriends...

That really brings back some good mammaries.

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."


"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"


So they switch clothes and as soon as t...

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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what i say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

If you're suffering from insomnia, look on the bright side

Only 3 more sleeps until Christmas

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

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First thing men look into a women is her heart

That her breasts are in the way is not our fault.

A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"Nope." he replies. "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling y...

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Doctor: “Look. You need to stop masturbating.” . . . Me: (confused)”Why’s that, Doc?”

Doctor: “Because, I’m trying to talk to you right now.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A black man and a white man walk into a bakery.

The black man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the white, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The white man says to the black man, "That's typical of you black people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

...

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An older woman gets pulled over for speeding.

While cruising along the highway, an older woman gets pulled over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car, the woman rolls down her window and asks "Is there a problem, officer?"

&nbsp;

The officer replies "Ma'am, you were speeding" to which woman simply replies "Oh, I see...

Chinese people all have the same answer when I ask what red flags to look out for when I go to China.

They all say the national flag

It was mandatory drug test day at my company, and we were standing in line awaiting our turn. Finally, the tester came by with his kit, took one look at me and said, "Sir, you even look stoned. Do you think you can pass this drug test"?

"Sure, man", I said. Then I promptly grabbed the kit and passed it to the guy next to me.

Needless to say, I passed!

What looks like a nut and sounds like a sneeze?

Cashew

I keep getting bad looks from a recent amputee.

All i said is I need a pair of hands with my job

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Dad, look! I'm a 3D printer!"

"Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit"

Socialism looks like a pretty good idea on paper.

Unless that paper's in a history book.

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why does Europe look so sexy all of a sudden?

Because it has lost a few pounds.

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices that there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come wi...

It's not cool to look down on people

That's why I hate people in wheelchairs.

What do you call a person who looks after cows?

It's not shepherd, it's coward

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man standing at the urinal looks over and sees a Leprechaun

At the urinal next to his. The Leprechaun has a massively huge dick, the guy asks "Hey how did you get your dick so big?". The Leprechaun says, "I'm a Leprechaun, I can have whatever I want.". Pressing, the man says, "How could I make mine that large?". The Leprechaun replies, "If you let me put my ...

Somehow it looks like Robert Kraft will get away with his little massage parlor incident...

This isn't the first time he got off...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You ever hit a speed bump, look back and say...

Well shit that speed bump just barked

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's interesting how mythology has permeated our culture. Just look at Oedipus...

he's the most famous motherfucker around.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sees a man that looks like Adolph Hitler

sitting at the end of the bar. He walks up to him and asks "are you really Hitler?" The man stands up and says loudly, "Ja, ich bin Adolph Hitler. I killed 6 million Jews and 1 Mexican." The man says, "wait, why did you kill a Mexican?" Hitler says "Sehen Sie! See? That is what i mean, no one cares ...

I bought Kosher sausages from the local deli for the first time, and it looks a little weird.

Is it normal that a bit of the skin is missing from the top?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The little guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy s...

Dennis Rodman looks like the type of person

to let Kim Jong-un call him the N-word as long as he says it with a hard “L”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When you’re dressed all in black and some smart ass asks you who died, simply look around the room and say

“I haven’t decided yet."

My girlfriend looks a little like Ariana Grande

And a lot like Patrick Ewing

If anyone in the North East U.S. gets a chance to look at the moon tonight

It's completely out of this world.

Get that summer Super Saiyan look in 3 easy steps!

1. Bleach
2. Samurai Shampoo
3. Neon Genesis Hairgelion

>!sorry for the low quality pun on the last one - came up with this in the car!<

I'm a recruiter for my company. Before I look at any resumes, I always throw half of them out.

I only want the lucky ones.

A girl in work was a bit rude earlier, she said I look like I'd be boring in bed.

So I told her she should ask her sister ;).

"Haha, I haven't got a sister" she proclaims.

"I know" I said, "you will in 9 months".

Hey man! Did you take a look at that joke I posted on r/Jokes

Yeah man I reddit..

Have you ever noticed how in shape Jesus looks on the cross?

Cause if you think his abs look shredded, then you should check out his back

When your wife/girlfriend asks “Do I look fat”.

The correct response is “Do I look stupid?”.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Up the mountain, a japanese asked the wise man: "Master Akira, why every western man thinks that we, japanese, all look alike?"

"I am not Master Akira."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little girl looks into her closet and talks to the monster that lives in there.....

She asks him "Closet Monster, when are you ever going to come out of the closet?"
The monster replies "How many times must I tell you? I'm not gay!"

A man is on a flight at cruising altitude when a female flight attendant comes by with a cart. She looks at him, smiles, and asks, “Would you like some headphones?”

The man responds, “Yes, but how did you know my name was Phones?”

I realized that driving a golf cart isn’t as easy as it looks.

But I finally got it down to a tee.

I told my girlfriend that she looks like a monkey

And she went bananas

Why do all hotdogs look alike?

Because they are in bread...

Someone was banging on my door yesterday and yelling "let me in, let me in". I went and had a look through the peep hole, and standing outside was a man dressed as a basin.

Just let that sink in.

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"Hey Dad, is it true that vaginas look like a beautiful folded rose?"

"Well son, yes they do, but only before sex."

"Oh. Well what do they look like after sex dad?"

"Son, you ever seen a bulldog eat porridge?"

Did you hear about the Quasimodo look alike contest?

The police had to break it up when the crowd turned ugly.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband, "does this dress make my ass look fat?"

The husband sighed, and asked his wife, "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?"

His wife said, "I promise, I'll never bring it up again."

The husband looked her over and said, "I fucked your sister."

While visiting a friend in the hospital, a young man notices several gorgeous nurses, each one of them wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. “What does the pin signify?” he asks one of them.

“Oh, nothing,” she says with a chuckle. “We just use it to keep the doctors away.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy asked me why he always gets a boner when he looks at himself in the mirror..

I told him it's because even his dick thinks he's a pussy.

What do you call something that looks like pasta, and tastes like pasta, but isn't pasta?

An impasta.

"When I stick it in my mouth, do you want me to look into your eyes?"

"Ma'am, just blow in the breathalyzer, please."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and a woman are sitting side by side at a bar getting really wasted. They both look really depressed.

The man asks the woman why she's so down and she replies, "My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed."

"What a conicidence" he said. "My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed too."

They start talking and after a few more drinks they decide to go to the woma...

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little red riding hood was told to look out for the wolf

So she’s really vigilant; she walks through the forest and she spots an eye through the bush and she says: “I see you mr wolf!” The wolf runs away. She goes deeper in the forest and she spots the wolf’s ears: “I see you Mr. Wolf!” The wolf runs away, little red riding hood goes deeper in the forest ...

Why do you get an error when you look for today's date?

Because your internet connection sucks.

If an old person looks through their Facebook timeline

You could say that the Elder Scrolls

At a costume party- Guy: What are you? Girl: I’m a Harp Guy: that looks a little big to be a harp.

Girl: Are you calling me a Lyre?

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Pap...

Looks like Disney isn't sticking to their guns

But they will be sticking with their Gunn

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:” Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant...

I was by my friends side when he died on a trail in the woods. With his last ounce of strength he reached out and put the necklace he wore everywhere in my hands. The look on his face was desperate and serious, he really wanted me to have it...

And that's why I wear this epipen around my neck.

I tried to look up Atlanta’s area code.

All I got was 404.

I'm developing an app that lets you customize the look and feel of 4chan when browsing.

It's called 4skin

If you look closely at a mirror...

It looks like an eyeball.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Look on the bright side anti-vaxxers

You'll never have to have "the talk" about puberty, sex, drugs, or driving.

My dog ate some scrabble pieces and now he looks like he's about to throw up

This could spell trouble

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