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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what I say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?"

Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."...

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

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A woman is bathing her 7 year old son, the kid looks at his wrinkled ballsack and asks...

Mom, is this my brain?

The mother replies: not yet son, not yet...

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

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My girlfriend told me to go out and get something to make her look sexy...

So I got drunk.

A friend just told me that my daughter and my wife look like twins.

I said, “Well, they were separated at birth!”

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

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A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

My mother hates every girlfriend that I’ve ever brought home. So I brought home a girl that looks like my mother, acts like my mother, even sounds like my mom

Now my father hates her.

A Chinese kid approaches his father and asks him: "Daddy, why do they say we all look alike?"

The man replies: "Actually your father is the one over there"

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What do the testicles of a priest look like?

Silly question, every child knows that.

If I ripped out the first 100 pages of my dictionary, will I then be able to look up well, but and actually?

Well yes, but, actually no

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his w...

a guy walks into a shop and asks for two wasps. the shop assistant looks confused and says sorry but they don’t sell wasps

the man says “but you’ve got one in the window”

It’s important to look closely at lawn signs during election campaigns

Last time I voted for a real estate agent

I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

If you find gold in Australia, where should you look for silver?

Agstralia

I saw a good looking guy at McDonalds spank his kid for throwing his fries on the ground.

So I threw my fries on the ground too

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....

You know, one would have been enough.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve The Englishman admires it and says, "Look at them, calm, reserved and proper, they were surely English."

The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."

The Russian slowly shakes his head, "My friends, they are definitely Russian. No clothes, no house, no possessions, they have only an apple to eat and they are told this is paradise."

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight." Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father."

The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."

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Did you hear about the kid who was born without eyelids? Amazingly, they were able to make a set of eyelids out of his foreskin when he was circumcised! He looks totally normal now...

Except he's just a little cockeyed

How does a penny look under a microscope?

Magnificent.

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

Look at all these millennials listening to pop and rap.

But none of them know what to do with a drunken sailor.

A father was walking past his son's bedroom one day and happened to look in.

He was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up off the floor. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

Fearing the worst, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. It said:

*Dea...

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What do you call two identical looking boobs?

Identities.

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

A cop pulls over a car with two priests.

The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

Why did Spock look into Kirk's toilet?

He wanted to see the Captains log.

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

If sperm is good for your skin and makes you look younger?

Then how come my hands both look the same age

Just look very closely into the darkness of your screen

Do you see the joke? (Dark mode users only)

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

How do you make 5 lbs of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.”

- Trojan wall guards, probably.

I'm sorry to say this sir but it looks like your girlfriend was hit by a bus....

Me: Yeah, but she's got a great personality

Officer pulls a guy over and says to him, “Sir your eyes look a little glazed, have you been drinking?”

The guy responds, “Sir your eyes look a little glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”

I had what I thought was a stupid look on my face so I held the look and peeked in the mirror.

Turns out I'm not as stupid as I looked.

Why are blind pianists so good if they can't look at the keys?

You don't have to C, you just have to B#

Why do detectives look to a Will when searching for murder suspects?

Because a Will is a dead giveaway.

One afternoon, A Viking called Rudolph was looking out his window when he suddenly said , “ It’s going to rain in seven minutes.” His wife asked, “How do you know?”

His response:” Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

You are on the beach, you look in the distance and you see a rad-looking cow surfing on the waves. What does he say?

Cowabunga!

My toilet looks like someone murdered somebody in it.

I can’t tell if that’s because of my period, or the guy I just murdered.

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So, Alex sees an ad in the newspaper that says “Circus Looking for New Talents”.

Alex says to himself, “Eh, what the hell. I’m pretty talented,” and calls the circus.
A lady answers him.

“Hello,” she says.

“Hi, is this the circus?”

“Yes.”

“I’ve heard you’re hiring.”

“You’ve heard correctly, sir. What is your name?”

“Alex.”

“Alr...

Looks like Blizzard are waiting...

for this to blow over

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What do horny pirates look for?

Chests and booty.

People keep telling me that ancient statues of people are idealized to make the person look better.

I guess you could say their features are chiseled.

eBay is so useless.

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 93,934 matches.

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I went to visit my old hometown the other day and found the house I grew up in. I knocked on the door and asked the owners if I could have a look around. They said "NO!" and closed the door in my face.

My parents can be such jerks sometimes.

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

What do you call it when an apple user looks you in the eye?

iContact.

My mom made a horrible joke the other day and I said "oh wow look at this comedic genius"

She then replied to me saying "of course I am one. I mean I made you"

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A married gynaecologist looks at his hand

"Some cunt has got my ring"

Wife: Look at that drunkard.

Husband: Who is he?
Wife: 10 years back, he proposed me, but I rejected.
Husband: Oh my God! He is still celebrating....

So I went to the front page to look for the top story.

Turns out I reddit already.

[OC] My dentist told me that he needed to look for cavities.

I just wish he had put a glove on before he stuck his finger up my ass!

When you look really closely...

When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.

I’ve been told that I look like a Greek statue

But only from the waist down.

Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House

Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House. He asks Chinese contractors how much they would charge. They say 3 million. He asks European contractors how much they would charge. They say 7 million. He asks Ecuadorian contractors how much they would charge. They say 10 million.


Trum...

I asked my artist boyfriend to sketch what our baby might look like, but he must have gotten a vasectomy.

He drew a blank.

My buddy questioned, "How do you get so many girls into bed with you?" I laughed, "Easy, I just do what Arnold Schwarzenegger does." Puzzled, he asked, "What, work out all day and look like a Greek God?"

"No, I pull out a shotgun and say, 'Come with me if you want to live'."

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Looks like there have been a trend of divorcing and marrying again after having a child in the 90`s

Because this is the only explanation of such an amount of step brothers and sisters I see on Pornhub.

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

A shifty looking guy in a kilt walks into a London pub

He orders a pint and very very carefully puts down the plastic bag he is carrying.

The bartender asks "What's that?"

The guy answers "6 pounds of explosives"

"Thank Christ for that" says the barman, "I thought it might be bagpipes."

People have been saying I look slimmer in the morning and fatter at night.

The difference is night and day.

What do you call a crayon that looks like a strawberry?

A cranberry.

I told a suicide bomber she looked fat

Boy, that really blew up in my face.

What does a video of a Food Buffet being set up, look like?

I dont know yet, its still Buffering

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Gambler gets a notice from IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says:

"The reason for your audit is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle, but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do fo...

An army ranger looks to a marine and asks if he wants to here a joke about how dumb Marines are

The marine replies "the guy sitting next to me is a marine and so is the guy sitting next him, are you sure you want to tell that joke"

The ranger thinks then says "nah I don't want to explain it three times"

*Looks in to mirrors*

Wow! I like that one! And it's only $15.

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I have a concussion. What other symptoms should I look out for?

Ah shit. I forgot.

John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you

are the one who can help me find someone like that.

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: ...

"You have perfect eyesight."

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear.

“Who was that?”

Ask me a questions and once I've responded, edit that question to a new one to make me look stupid.

I'm having a rough day and I think this could be a fun way to change that!

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A mouse was sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar. The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink...

Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink.

After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.

The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the barstool and sat there gasping for air.

His whiskers were b...

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A black man and a white man walk into a bakery.

The black man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the white, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The white man says to the black man, "That's typical of you black people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

...

A group of pirates walked out of a strip club with disappointed looks on their faces.

They were hoping to find some booty, but all they got were sunken chests.

Have you ever noticed why hot-dogs all look the same?

It's because they're in-bread.

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

My Father Told Me Never To Look Down On The Unemployed...

So that's why I grew a beer belly.

If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

**Ag**stralia

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Up the mountain, a japanese asked the wise man: "Master Akira, why every western man thinks that we, japanese, all look alike?"

"I am not Master Akira."

You can see the strangest things if you look hard enough

The other day I saw a piece of toast in a cage at the zoo. It was bread in captivity

I hate how woman always look at me like i'm a piece of meat

and feel the need to roast me.

A shy lad was at a party and got talking to a pretty girl. After a while he builds up the courage to tells her that she is gorgeous and asks if she would like to go back to his place to look at his stamp collection...

... “Philately will get you nowhere!” the girl replies.

It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it. At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar.

He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender say...

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- Tell me, Rabbi, can a Jew look at women in bikinis?

I'm leaving for a vacation tomorrow, and surely there will be lots of girls in bikinis on the shore...

\- Oh, nothing wrong with that.

\- I'm a bit worried about looking at women other than my wife. And if they'll be topless? Can I look at them?

\- Yes, you can.

\- But wh...

My gf asks me,"Honey,do these pants make me look fat?"

"No"I said,"Your fat makes you look fat"

And that's when the fight started

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An older woman gets pulled over for speeding.

While cruising along the highway, an older woman gets pulled over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car, the woman rolls down her window and asks "Is there a problem, officer?"

&nbsp;

The officer replies "Ma'am, you were speeding" to which woman simply replies "Oh, I see...

A guy walk up to a bar with two women and says "you ladies from Scotland? They give him a dirty look and say "Wales"

"Oh I'm sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

"Well look who came by for a little sucky sucky"

Vampire: "Don't say it like that"

How does the Hulk look in a suit?

*Smashing.*

The bartender looks up and says "We don't serve time travelers here."

A time traveler walks into a bar.

I Look Like a ..

The broccoli says
'I look like a small tree',
the mushroom says
I look like an umbrella',
the walnut says
look like a brain'
and the banana says
"Can we please change the
subject?'

Two parents are taking their newborn son for a stroll. A passerby looks into the carriage and exclaims, "What a beautiful baby!". The father thanks the passerby, and added, "Yes, my son here is some of my best work!"

The mother, slightly miffed, asks her husband, "Why did you take all the credit? I carried this baby for none months. I delivered him after 10 hours of labor. All you did was have10 minutes of fun!"

The husband replied, "When you have a good meal, who do you thank? The chef or the oven?"<...

Playing dodge ball with kids is so much harder than it looks

You have to use both your hands to throw them

People: Why does iPhone 11 camera looks like a stove?

Me: Because Tim Cook

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.

He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on."

The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks w...

A soldier looks at the sky and suddenly yells: "we gotta act fast, it's about to neutralize our base!". His commanding officer says: "What the hell are you talking about, we ain't even at war!?"

The soldier replies: "Acid rain".

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A middle-aged woman is conscious about the way she looks as she's coming of age...

Especially about the wrinkles that are starting to come out around her face. So she decides to go to the plastic surgeon.

"Doctor doctor, what can you do about these wrinkles?"

"Hmmm, in your case, I'd recommend a very innovative, yet very cheap method. I'll install these two tiny sc...

The doctor looked at me with a concerned look on his face and rasped, "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards."

I screamed, "AND!?"

What does an EMT look for in a girl?

A pulse

Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. "What’ll be, boys?"

The first vampire says, "Blood. Give me blood."

The second vampire says, "I too wish for blood!"

The third vampire says, "Give me plasma."

The Bartender smiles and says, "Got it. Two bloods and one blood-light."

A newlywed couple run into their bedroom and close the door behind them. The wife looks into her husband’s eyes and says “take off my shirt, baby”

So he takes her shirt off. Then the wife says “take off my pants.” So he takes her jeans off. She smiles and says “now take off my bra.” He smiles and takes it off. “Now take off my panties” she says. He smiles even more and takes her parties off. Then the wife says “Now don’t let me catch you weari...

Warning!!! Don't look at the sun through a colander.

You'll strain your eyes.

How would the world look if it were ruled by the Danish?

It would be a Pastryarchal Society

Every New Year's Eve, I look forward to a good show at Time's Square

...and year after year, they drop the ball

I think my wife is starting to get depressed with all this rain we’re getting. Everyday, I see her at the window with a sad look on her face.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her back inside.

You use a telescope for looking through space and a periscope for looking through water. But what do you use to look through walls?

A window.

Your mom looks like a sewer....

Because her needlework is on point <3<3<3

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I used to look down on porn

Then I got a TV stand

A bear walked into a restaurant and looks at the waiter and says “I’d like a grilled ................cheese.”.

The waiter said, “what’s with the big pause?”.

He said, “I’m a bear!”

What does it mean when a preacher looks at the clock?

Absolutely nothing.

Mary had a little watch, she swallowed it one day. So all she took was castor oil, to pass the time away. The castor oil, it did not work, the time, it did not pass. So if you want to know what time it is, just look up Mary's

...uncle.

He's got a watch.

Somebody told me that if you look at the symbols in the corner of a map and see the words "Bloody Rosemary," something horrible will happen.

But that's just an herb in legend.

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An elderly couple are having breakfast together one morning. The wife, fanning herself, looks longingly across the table at her husband and says, “Shew-WEE! Eugene, I’m still just as hot for you right now as I was the day we married.”

Eugene rolls his eyes and says, “Ethel! One of yer tits is in yer coffee, and the othern’s in yer oatmeal!”

I used to look down on hookers

Then I started paying them to be on top.

Why did the Captain ask his first mate to come look at a new boat with him?

Because it never hurts to have an extra aye.

What do Pokemon do when they look at you through a window?

They pikachu.

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