A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at the weekend a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So two aliens find their way to earth

They land in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger ...

If you find gold in Australia where do you look for silver?

Agstralia

If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

**Ag**stralia

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before."

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I sat my son down and said, “Look son, in life if you act like a pussy then you’ll never get any pussy”

My wife said, “Matthew, how dare you use that language in front of him?”

I said, “Sorry dear, it won’t happen again”

My son said, “I see what you mean Dad.”

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices that there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come wi...

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

A magician was working on a cruise ship

Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the sho...

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Dad, look! I'm a 3D printer!"

"Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

First thing men look into a women is her heart

That her breasts are in the way is not our fault.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sees a man that looks like Adolph Hitler

sitting at the end of the bar. He walks up to him and asks "are you really Hitler?" The man stands up and says loudly, "Ja, ich bin Adolph Hitler. I killed 6 million Jews and 1 Mexican." The man says, "wait, why did you kill a Mexican?" Hitler says "Sehen Sie! See? That is what i mean, no one cares ...

Communism is a System That Looks Pretty Great on Paper.

Unless of course, that paper makes up the pages of a History book.

A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"Nope." he replies. "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling y...

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Englishman and welshman

Englishman: "That your dog?"
Welshman: "Yep."
Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?"
Welshman: "Dog dont talk But."
Englishman: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Welshman: (Look of shock!)
Englishman: "Is this Welshman your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)
D...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what i say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When you’re dressed all in black and some smart ass asks you who died, simply look around the room and say

“I haven’t decided yet."

Why do all hotdogs look alike?

Because they are in bread...

Officer: “I’m sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck.”

Man: "Yeah... But she's got a great personality!"

If an old person looks through their Facebook timeline

You could say that the Elder Scrolls

Looks like Disney isn't sticking to their guns

But they will be sticking with their Gunn

How do you make 5 lbs of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

What do you call something that looks like pasta, and tastes like pasta, but isn't pasta?

An impasta.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An older woman gets pulled over for speeding.

While cruising along the highway, an older woman gets pulled over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car, the woman rolls down her window and asks "Is there a problem, officer?"

 

The officer replies "Ma'am, you were speeding" to which woman simply replies "Oh, I see...

If you look closely at a mirror...

It looks like an eyeball.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little red riding hood was told to look out for the wolf

So she’s really vigilant; she walks through the forest and she spots an eye through the bush and she says: “I see you mr wolf!” The wolf runs away. She goes deeper in the forest and she spots the wolf’s ears: “I see you Mr. Wolf!” The wolf runs away, little red riding hood goes deeper in the forest ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The little guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy s...

I'm developing an app that lets you customize the look and feel of 4chan when browsing.

It's called 4skin

"When I stick it in my mouth, do you want me to look into your eyes?"

"Ma'am, just blow in the breathalyzer, please."

Why did the fisherman look for flatfish?

Just for the halibut.

If you look at the moon tonight it should look really smooth.

It just waxed last night.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:” Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes int...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

it looks like you're pregnant

Doctor: Well, it looks like you're pregnant.

Woman: Oh my God! I'm pregnant?!

Doctor: No, it just looks like you are, you fat cunt.

Woman: I want a second opinion.

Doctor: Okay, you are ugly too.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You look, you get a sense of it, and you look away.

AND you can look longer with sunglasses!

I just want to thank the guy who lent me his dictionary to look for the meaning of the word plethora...

It means a lot

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Look on the bright side anti-vaxxers

You'll never have to have "the talk" about puberty, sex, drugs, or driving.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy asks his father, “Dad, what’s a vagina look like?”

Caught off guard, the father clears his throat and replies, “Well that depends son, are you asking about before or after sex?”

“Before, I guess,” the boy responds.

“Like a beautiful rose whose petals are tightly woven together holding onto a few drops of morning dew.”

There’s a ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A black man and a white man walk into a bakery.

The black man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the white, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The white man says to the black man, "That's typical of you black people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

...

Look ladies, if a guy says he's going to fix something, he's going to fix it.

No need to remind him every 6 months about it.

A lot of people look better with glasses

After all, isn't that the point of them?

I don't look at r/Jokes because its funny.

I look at it for nostalgia...

My wife told me that she couldn't turn her neck because it hurts so much, so I told her to look forward to a massage tonight...

...Since she can't look sideways anyways...

My dog ate some scrabble pieces and now he looks like he's about to throw up

This could spell trouble

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doctor! Doctor! My brains look like my testicles!

I’m sorry, son. It’s a serious case of cerebral ballsy.

"Sir, your eyes look red." growled the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I shot back. "Have you been eating donuts?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Japanese ascended a tall mountain to seek wisdom from a sage. He asks: “Master Akira, why do people all think Japanese look alike?”

“I’m not master Akira!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat on one of the stools. The bartender looks at him and asks him what he'd like to drink. The man orders four shots of whiskey for himself.

The bartender looks at the man and says, "Four shots for yourself? What's the special occasion?", to which the man replies, "First blowjob." The bartender puts on a congratulatory smile and pats the man on the shoulder and says he'll give him a fifth shot on the house. To which the man says, "No tha...

"Look out, it's the Spoiler! He's gonna ruin every joke on the sub!"

"The milkman was the real father!"
"**Nooooooooo!**"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three friends are walking down the sidewalk and see something in their path that looks like shit, but they aren't sure.

Al leans down and takes a whiff. "It smells like shit".

Bob reaches down and presses two fingers into it. "Hmm, it feels like shit."

Carl asks for a piece and begins to chew it. With a full mouth he declares, "Well, it sure tastes like shit."

Al then reasons out loud, "So it loo...

Look, I'm gonna teach you how to fulfill your fat fetish and help you seduce someone fat.

Trust me I've easily done it before. It's a piece of cake.

Just got my braces off and now my mouth looks like a klan rally!

White and straight!

So Bill Gates walks into an Apple store and farts the hell out of life. Everyone looks at him and says dude wtf it stinks.

Bill Gates b like "well its not my problem ya'll dont have windows in here"

​

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and a woman are sitting side by side at a bar getting really wasted. They both look really depressed.

The man asks the woman why she's so down and she replies, "My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed."

"What a conicidence" he said. "My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed too."

They start talking and after a few more drinks they decide to go to the woma...

Look down a mole hole, what do you see?

Molasses.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband, "does this dress make my ass look fat?"

The husband sighed, and asked his wife, "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?"

His wife said, "I promise, I'll never bring it up again."

The husband looked her over and said, "I fucked your sister."

"You don't look a day over fifty!" I told the mother-in-law on her birthday.

Slightly ruined her 38th.

Whenever I struggle with my identity, I go to the bathroom and look in the mirror.

I find it's the best place for self reflection.

I was told i could look at an eclipse with a colander.

I tried it and it just strained my eyes.

Everyone looks for certain type of friends as they go thru life

When you're in your teens, it's the kid who can drive first.

When you're in your 20s, it's the shady guy that can get whatever you want but you dont how he does it.

When you're in 30s & 40s, it's your lawyer friend to help you out when in need.

When you're in your 50s & ...

Been getting strange looks from my coworkers today.

Guess I better put my pants back on.

Jake was sitting on the porch with his little sister, and said, "Look, there's a quarter in the street!"

His sister jumped up and ran into the street to get the money and was promptly hit by a truck. Jake just laughed and laughed, because he knew it was only a nickel.

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Pap...

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

a doberman

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl asked me if I wanted her to look in my eyes when she put it in her mouth.

I told her just to blow in the fucking breathalizer already.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My proctologist gets this far away look sometimes; the thousand-yard stare

I think he’s really seen some shit.

Told a girl she looks better without her glasses on.

She said I also look better without her glasses on.

I always looks for a chick who is into bad boys.

Because I'm pretty much bad at everything.

My mother doesn't say much, but she always looks on the bright side

They say "it's cold", she says "...or fresh"

They say "it's old" , she says "...or antique"

They say "it's over" , she says "...or beginning"

They say "your son is a bit weird" , she says "...or tissed"

whatever that means.

A Russian meets his friend. He says, "Dima, my friend, you look so grim, what's the matter?"

"You see, Petya, every night my wife keeps having dreams where she's seeing Putin" says Dima.

"So?" says Petya.

Dima replies, "Yesterday I yelled at her and told her to stop seeing him."

"What happened next?" probes Petya.

And Dima replies, "Last night, I had a dream wher...

Bob Kraft doesn’t look like a Bob...

He looks more like a john to me

When i go to the zoo and i tell them i wanna look at my favorite animal you know what they do?

Give me a mirror.

"Look, ma, no hands."

"Stop insulting your little brother, Billy. He was born this way."

Look, anything is funny with the right delivery.

Except abortion jokes, which by definition have no delivery.

One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know. I've noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"

The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."

The husband says "Who is his father?"

The wife says **"You are."**

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lady is in the grocery store and looks like she's having trouble finding what she needs.

An employee from the store sees this and asks if she needs help finding anything. The lady asks where she can find broccoli. The employee apologizes and tells her that they are fresh out but should be getting another shipment in the next morning. The next afternoon the lady is back at the store and ...

Two necrophiles are sitting on a bus and look at pictures of their girlfriends.

One turns to the other and says "Where did you dig up that one?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After being in prison for 15 years, a man escapes. He breaks into a house to look for money & guns but finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man out of the bed ties him to a chair. He tied the girl to the bed and kisses her neck. Then he gets up & goes into the bathroom.

The husband tells his wife: "Listen,this guy's a dangerous escaped convict! He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants to fuck you,don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you or he might kill us. Be strong, honey. I Love You."

The wife resp...

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he suddenly shouted, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us...

“What did you just call it?” I asked.

“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to see the doctor and says," Doc, I have a rather embarrassing problem. You see, every time I look in the mirror I get an erection. Am I just too attractive? I'm really confused."

The doctor scratches his beard as he consults the chart, until he looks at the man over the rim of his glasses and says, "It's because you're a cunt."

A boy walks up to an old man and asks,"Hey Grandpa, can you tell me what's the time?" The old man looks at his watch and says

"It's either 6:15 or Mickey has a hard on."

Girls look at me like I'm a steak

And they're vegan

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart.

The fact that her boobs are in front of her heart is not our fault.

"Look, can you tell me what's wrong with me or not, doc?"

"Cancer."

"Ok, so go ahead then!"

A man is walking along the beach, when he trips over something, looks down and sees an old bottle. He picks it up and out pops a genie. "I will give you one wish and only one. What will it be?" The man thinks and thinks...

He lives in California and really loves to visit Hawaii, but he despises flying, so he asks the genie.

"I want a bridge from California to Hawaii, over the Pacific ocean."

The genie looks at him for a bit.

He says, "No, no, no. Sorry, but a bridge over the Pacific? That is too ...

A friend said that I look like my dad

But so does my girlfriend

I have always had eye glasses. I was curious to see what I would look like with them off. So I took them off and looked in the mirror.

As it turns out, I can't see myself without them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to my doctor to have him look at some strange spots on my arse. I pulled my pants down, he took a look and responded..

Weird flecks; butt ok.

I look up to my grandfather as a national hero

He did many great thing, he was a soldier in ww1 and even killed hitler in ww2.

I suggested my wife that she'd look better with dark hair

Apparently that's an offensive thing to say to a cancer patient.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Son asks his father what a Vagina looks like.

Father: Before or after sex?
Son: I don't know what that means?
Father: Well there are two different types
Son: Umm, before sex.
Father: Oh well it looks like an Orchid at dawn just as the sun hits it, with dew drops on it, in a Botanical garden in Spring.
Son: Oh woah. What...

People always laugh at my car because it looks like a fruit...

But at least I avocado!

I bumped into someone who hates me the other day and was going to give him a nasty look

But he already had one

A man was crossing the road when he was hit by a car, which then sped off. A police officer asked the injured man, ”Did you get a look at the driver?” ”No,” he said, “but I can tell you it was my ex-wife.”

“How do you know that?” asked the officer.


“I’d recognize her laugh anywhere!”

German couple on the Autobahn. He drives, she wakes up after a nap, looks over and asks him:"Why are you going 180kph??"

"Because the road looks slippery."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mother-in-law says to her daughter-in-law "I don't mean to offend you, but my grandson looks nothing like my son".

Daughter-in-law replies, "I've got a fanny between my legs, not a fucking photocopier".

A passer by sees a man holding a sign saying “punch me for free”

Much to the passers surprise he went up and asked the man if there was any takers and the man replied “take a look there is no punch line”.

I just can't look

A zookeeper notices that all of his female monkeys keep getting pregnant.

After isolating the only male monkey, Bobo, into his own cage, the zookeeper believes the matter to be settled. A few weeks later he sees a few more female monkeys getting pregnant. Perplexed, the zookeeper waits outsi...

A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband:

"I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment".

The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".

The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous…

...but backwards, it’s even more stupid…

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Man asks his wife, "Honey, how come every time I look in the mirror I get an erection?"

Wife replies, "Probably because the mirror thinks you're a pussy too!"

If you look at the word "nun"....

you´ll see it´s just the letter n doing a forward roll

Hopalong Happychopper walks into the saloon and the bartender says, "Howdy stranger, ain't seen you in these parts, so you must be here to watch the hanging!" Hopalong looks the bartender menacingly in the eyes and replies, "Nope, but seeing we're talking, who are you hanging?"

The bartender responds, "Well, ain't you heard cowboy, we gonna string up Brown Paper Rattler mighty high, even the angels are gonna hear his neck break!"

Hopalong asks, "Why they call him Brown Paper Rattler?"

The bartender chuckles, "Why, old Rattler wears a brown paper Stetson, a br...

Looks like Prince Philip's been in another accident.

They shouldn’t let him drive..........The Dukes a Hazzard.