The spread of coronavirus within a country depends on two factors:

1) How dense the country’s population is
2) How dense the country’s population is

Pretty lame I guess depends on how many of you get it.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Door mum

Door mum who?

I've come to bargain

Everyone asks me why I eat like I got out of prison. I explain them that in a family with 5 siblings it's a race to the snacks like lives depend on it.

Also I've spent 9 years in prison.

I was watching a fighting scene and I told my dad “I couldn’t jump that high if my life depended on it!”

And my dad replied “but what if a bowl of ice cream depended on it?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do we have diaper brands named "Huggies, luvs and Depends?

When a baby shits themselves we will still "Hug" and "love" them.


When an old person shits themselves it "depends" who is on the will...

Why can't you depend on flat earthers?

Because they're never around.

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A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

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How many calories are there in eating pussy?

Depends on which way she wipes.

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What does 90 year old pussy taste like?

Depends

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw em.

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

People say children are expensive...

.... but it really depends on how much ransom you demand

How long does it take a vegan to finish a hamburger?

5 seconds depending on if anybody is watching the dog.

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The crocodile farm:

There was a group of tourists visiting a crocodile farm in the Florida Keys and they were standing on a floating structure in the middle of an enormous lake, surrounded by crocodiles.

Suddenly, the farm’s owner shouts, “The first person to jump into the lake and successfully swim to shore, wi...

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What's the difference between hungry and horny?

It depends on where you put the cucumber

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A Polish man moved to America and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following ...

Your car in heaven....

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will...

You can tell a girl likes you depending on where her shoes are.

If they are behind her head, she may like you.

What determines if an old person can stand in line to vote?

Depends.

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a "Living Will"

Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer

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The Apple iBoob

Apple announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size, this is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men s...

Why can you always depend on Anti-Gravity?

Because it will never let you down.

You go to a really scary haunted house, what do you wear? Depends....

...No seriously, Depends.

JUST DEPENDS

Two old people flirt at a seniors' singles bar. After a few drinks, the old man asks the old woman, "If I took you out for a full night of wining, dining and dancing, what would you wear?"

The old woman replies shyly, "Depends... ."

"Depends on what?" he asks.

"On my bottom -- w...

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I asked the pharmacist for some viagra...

"Can I get it over the counter?" I asked.


"It depends how many you take." He replied.

When in the Middle East, I found out that Google alters your search results depending on where you are.

I also found out how to make a bath bomb that will absolutely blow you away!

Can radio be an addiction?

Depends on the frequency.

I told my wife "if ever I become comatose and depend on a machine for my survival, unplug me"

She unplugged the computer.

[religion] Pat Robertson is on his way to buy some Depends.

As he's walking down the street, he sees a small boy sitting on the curb with a box of newborn kittens. He looks in the box of squirming, mewing kittens, and tells the boy "Those are about the cutest kittens I've ever seen!"

The boy smiles and says "Thanks! They're Christian kittens."

...

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Morning Briefing

The commanding officer of a regiment in the Army was about to start the morning briefing to his staff, battalion and company commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. 

He explained that his wife had been...

I told my husband I’m going gradually cut back my dependence on technology in 2019.

I’m starting with the vacuum cleaner, washer/dryer and iron.

What it the lifespan of an alcoholic?

It depends on the liver.

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The Politician and Sex Workers

A politician visited Sex Workers Anonymous in order to get more information about how these women in his community were doing. He meets three poor prostitutes and speaks to them that their lifestyle is hurting them and that depending on how often they were engaged in the business, he would provide t...

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Three guys go to heaven

St Peter at the gate greets them and says ‘Alright. We’ve just built some new roads up here and we need to get you each a car. Depending on how faithful you were to your wives will determine the quality of the car. Sound good?’
1st Guy: ‘I was happily married thirty years with my wife and never c...

A man asks his mother,

"Mother, if my life ever depends on a device, will you promise to turn it off?"

The mother responds with "Yes, dear."

The next day, he wakes up, and upon opening his phone, to post a joke on r/jokes, he finds that his internet conne

I have convinced my grandma that the baby boomers are as dependent on technology as us.

When she said " you millenials are so addicted to technology" I quickly glanced at her life support. That was the last time she said it.

Hello, and Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you ar...

Did you know that animals make a different sounds depending what part of the world you are in....?

For example, in China, Dogs makes a sizzling sound!


*I know I am going to hell for this but this was an old joke that was told to me. *

My girlfriend said the number of kids we have will depend on the number of carats I get her in her wedding ring.

I says " I don't know how you're going to have half a kid!"

Jumping with a rope can either be fun or sad.

It all depends on where the rope is attached.

A little girl walks into a pet store and tells an employee that she’d like to buy a rabbit.

The employee smiles down at the little girl and says, “Right this way! We have lots of different rabbits to choose from depending on what you’re looking for.” She leads the little girl over to a large enclosure where a huge collection of bunnies of all different sizes and colors are hopping about or...

In court

Judge: Do your swear to speak the truth and nothing other than the truth?

Convicted: depends, if it is something super personal like, what I ate at 3 days ago, I might lie

The convicted was being accused of cannibalism

A blind guy (Dale) goes to a lumber yard looking for a job. Once he finds the freemans office he introduces himself and asks for a job.

The foreman (Greg) is unsure how a blind guy can work at a lumber yard and expresses his concerns.

Dale explains that bind people usually have heightened senses in the other areas. In his case his sense of smell is extra keen.

Greg tells him Dale that he doesn't understand how that wi...

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven.

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.

The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3...

Living to 90

So a guy asks his doctor, "Do you think I'll live to 90?"

The doctor says, "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"No."

"Do you smoke?"

"No."

"Do you gamble?"

"No."

"Do you chase women?"

"No."

"Well," says the doctor, "let me ask you this: ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Guru (potentially NSFW depending on words used)

Bill and Jeff are sitting at the local - Bill is complaining to Jeff that his elbow his hurting him and that he will have to go to the doctor and pay the high medical bills/etc that will come with it...


Jeff tells Bill to forget that, he should visit 10th and 3rd and see The Guru! Basical...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recent scientific study revealed that women found different male attributes attractive depending on where they were in their menstrual cycle.

For example, a woman ovulating found men with rugged masculine features most attractive.
Whereas a woman menstruating preferred men doused in petrol, set on fire with scissors stuck in his eyes, an axe in his skull and a javelin stuck up his arse.

What happens when the world runs out of toilet paper.

Depends.

A student came to me and asked

"Is 200 zeroes a lot ?"


"depends on their position " I said "if they are after a decimal point, no"

"and if they are above pearl Pearl Harbor , then yes"

A year ago I left home and since, I've only been living at guesthouses and motels.

Today I celebrated my inn dependence.

What’s better pork or mutton?

Depends on what religion you ask.

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

It's funny how a sentence can have different meanings depending on where you say them.

saying "you da bomb" in the US is a compliment.
However a discussion in the Middle East.

I usually bench like 225, 230

or 3 o'clock depends what time I get to the gym

How many Utilitarians does it take to change a lightbulb?

It depends on the situation.

It just all depends on how you look at some things...

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid ...

Bad car acronyms. I know a few, you got others?

Ford => Found On Road Dead. ... ... or ... ... First On Race Day. (Depends if you're a fan)

Fiat => Fix It Again Tony

BMW => Bavarian Money Waster

Subaru => backwards is U R A Bus

Chevrolet => acronym for all the engine problems to expect... Cracked ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the biggest obstacle of sex after 50 years of marriage?

Depends

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Is chess better than sex?"

It depends on the position.

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen ar...

Love at Last!

George, age 92 and Edith, age 89 are all excited about their decision to get married.They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. George suggests they go in and he addresses the man behind the counter.

"Are you the owner? "The pharmacist answers, "Yes". <...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend of mine was asking about purchasing viagra...

He said: “Do you know if it’s possible to get it over the counter?”

I said: “Well, I guess it depends how many you take...”

An old man said to his grandson playing on a tablet...You younger generation are too dependent on technology.

His grandson said...Which one of us needs a pacemaker to live?

Frasier Tribute: How Many Lawyers Does it Take to Screw in a Light Bulb?

I don’t know....depends on how many cops planted it there.

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