UPJOKE
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My grandparents think that I depend too much on technology.

They always talk about how much my generation depends on technology, and my grandfather always mentions it whenever I visit them, so then I replied, “no, your generation depends too much on technology.”

Then I unplugged his life support.

I’m not always mean, sometimes I’m median. Really depends on my mode.

Statistically my range of jokes are never appreciated.

What can you always depend on, but will always let you down?

>!Gravity!<

Scientists now believe that the success of the Olympics depends almost entirely on the 100m dash.

They call it the critical race theory.

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What does an 80 year old pussy taste like?

Depends

My genitals can transform from one Toy Story character to another depending on how much I wash them

They go from a Woody to a Stinky Pete

A scientist and a religious man were debating the evolution theory

(English is my second language here but I will try to do my best, it is probably funnier in my language- A rephrase is welcomed!)

A scientist and a religious man were debating the evolution theory. The religious man was trying to convince the scientist that facts are more clearer than the sci...

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How many calories are in eating pussy?

It depends which way she wipes.

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A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office, and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and this conversation ensued: "Have you any grounds?" Yes, an ...

What is the National Sport of the United States of America?

Depends on which one is on TV right now.

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A veterinary student is taking an important exam, and it's come to such a point that him passing or not passing depends on the last question.

The question is "How to perform an abortion in a domestic goat?".

Unfortunately, the student doesn't know the answer and fails the exam. Afterwards he goes to a bar to drown his sorrows.

When he comes there, the bartender asks him:

- You seem to have something on your mind. How...

Boxers or Briefs, Mr. President?

In 1992 while being interviewed by MTV, Bill Clinton was asked if he wore boxers or briefs? Clinton replied, "Boxers"

In 2008 US magazine asked Obama, "Boxers or briefs"? Obama declined to answer the question.

Last week AARP asked Joe Biden, "Boxers or briefs"? Biden responded, "Depend...

The spread of coronavirus within a country depends on two factors:

1) How dense the country’s population is
2) How dense the country’s population is

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Parrot, Monkey and Lizard sits in a tree somewhere in the jungle, smoking a joint.

After a while of blazing it up, Lizard starts struggling with cotton mouth, and says he needs to go drink some water down at the creek.

Stumbling up to the creek, Lizard starts drinking water like his life depends on it, bloodshot eyes and giggling all along.

Crocodile spots him and s...

I told my wife "if ever I become comatose and depend on a machine for my survival, unplug me"

She unplugged the computer.

People who cheat on their taxes disgust me

This is not the kind of world I want to raise my 23 dependents in.

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Weight Loss Program

I very much like this old joke, and I hope you will enjoy it too.

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A guy, feeling bored and tired of lounging all day and getting unhealthier as a result, decides to apply for a weight loss program.

The first day of the program arrives, and he receives a text message from t...

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A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says,

"If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?"

The barkeeper says, "Depends on how good of a trick it is."

The drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a chipmunk and places him behind the piano. The chipmunk starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard...

Pretty lame I guess depends on how many of you get it.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Door mum

Door mum who?

I've come to bargain

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Most of life’s questions can be answered with “Depends”

Specifically for whoever smeared shit inside the capitol

What would you do if all toilets stopped working?

Depends.

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NSFW Y'all know what 80-year-old pussy tastes like?

Depends

This isn't working, let's change the subject. Depending on whether you're in a classroom or a testing lab, that statement means something completely different!

Hehe.

[I apologize if this violates rules][NSFW/NSFL] how many babies does it take to paint a barn?

Depends on how hard you throw

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends. Sometimes it takes one. Sometimes it takes a Zildjian.

How long does it take a Russian tank to drive from Moscow to Kyiv?

Depends how many people are pushing.

What does a prudent Ukrainean learn?

It depends.

An optimistic Ukrainian learns English.

A pessimistic one learns Russian.

A realistic one learns how to shoot a rifle.

&nbsp;

It's an old Romanian joke, from the '90s, it suddenly became relevant for our neighbours.

How many Scientologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

That depends on the amount of workforce initiated by the individual and the amount of money given to the cult.

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Why do we have diaper brands named "Huggies, luvs and Depends?

When a baby shits themselves we will still "Hug" and "love" them.


When an old person shits themselves it "depends" who is on the will...

For my cake day, here's the oldest joke in my email, sent to me in 1996.

In honor of my cake day, I'm sharing the oldest joke in my email archive, that was sent to me on September 17, 1996.



Three unrelated men happen to die on the same day and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gates and says "Congratulations! You've all made it to Heaven. Now, de...

JUST DEPENDS

Two old people flirt at a seniors' singles bar. After a few drinks, the old man asks the old woman, "If I took you out for a full night of wining, dining and dancing, what would you wear?"

The old woman replies shyly, "Depends... ."

"Depends on what?" he asks.

"On my bottom -- w...

I was watching a fighting scene and I told my dad “I couldn’t jump that high if my life depended on it!”

And my dad replied “but what if a bowl of ice cream depended on it?”

Three men are outside of Heavens gate waiting to get in.

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.

The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3...

Did you know that animals make a different sounds depending what part of the world you are in....?

For example, in China, Dogs makes a sizzling sound!


*I know I am going to hell for this but this was an old joke that was told to me. *

You can tell a girl likes you depending on where her shoes are.

If they are behind her head, she may like you.

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I wonder if the views of a color blind person depend on the circumstances of the scenario

Or if they just see the world in black and white.

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A wife gets instructions from her husband's doctor

Doc: Ma'am, your husband can live a long life, but you have to follow a set of instructions. First, you have to cook his favorite meals, depending on his requests. You'll also have to drive him anywhere he needs to go, and he should get lots of activities. Movies, sport events, you name it. If he pl...

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The Guru (potentially NSFW depending on words used)

Bill and Jeff are sitting at the local - Bill is complaining to Jeff that his elbow his hurting him and that he will have to go to the doctor and pay the high medical bills/etc that will come with it...


Jeff tells Bill to forget that, he should visit 10th and 3rd and see The Guru! Basical...

A teacher in a class asks, "How much is a gram?"

Answer from the back comes "Depends on what you want"

I told my husband I’m going gradually cut back my dependence on technology in 2019.

I’m starting with the vacuum cleaner, washer/dryer and iron.

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A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

I have convinced my grandma that the baby boomers are as dependent on technology as us.

When she said " you millenials are so addicted to technology" I quickly glanced at her life support. That was the last time she said it.

Boxers or briefs?

Depends…

My date asked if I'm a cat guy or a dog guy. I said

It depends how it's prepared.

How many lawyers does it take to tile a roof?

It depends on how thinly you slice them

You go to a really scary haunted house, what do you wear? Depends....

...No seriously, Depends.

It's funny how a sentence can have different meanings depending on where you say them.

saying "you da bomb" in the US is a compliment.
However a discussion in the Middle East.

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Ok so this is not a joke for everyone

Once upon a time there was a country that whenever a men grew up ‘til a certain age their dick would be cut, but how would they do it depends on what their job is.

One day the day to cut people’s dick off comes and there is a line of hundreds of men crying.
“What is your job?” “I’m a butc...

Drunk man: "Is life worth living?"

well, it depends on the liver.

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A recent scientific study revealed that women found different male attributes attractive depending on where they were in their menstrual cycle.

For example, a woman ovulating found men with rugged masculine features most attractive.
Whereas a woman menstruating preferred men doused in petrol, set on fire with scissors stuck in his eyes, an axe in his skull and a javelin stuck up his arse.

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Ugliest man on Earth

A fellow sitting in a bar noticed that the bartender was staring at him. Each time he'd look away and finally came over, a bit embarrassed.

"I'm sorry sir, let me buy you a drink."

The fellow accepted and then accepted the subsequent two apologies and drinks.

"Surely you know th...

[religion] Pat Robertson is on his way to buy some Depends.

As he's walking down the street, he sees a small boy sitting on the curb with a box of newborn kittens. He looks in the box of squirming, mewing kittens, and tells the boy "Those are about the cutest kittens I've ever seen!"

The boy smiles and says "Thanks! They're Christian kittens."

...

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A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

I told my grand kids that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle...

So they unplugged my computer and threw out my bourbon..

My Grandfather Says I should not be so Dependent upon technology...

...Yet he is the one hooked to life support.

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Two horny badgers

One night, two horny badgers walk into a brothel. They only had an one dollar bill to pay with. They see the clerk and ask her:

"What's in stock for us?"

"Depends. How much money do you have?"

"Only one dollar, ma'am."

"Well, with one dollar you can just go fuck yourselve...

What’s the difference between a fetish and a hobby?

***Depends where you stick the ship in a bottle after you finish painting it…***

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iBoob

Apple announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men s...

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A new housing development begins in a small residential neighbourhood.

As the construction workers are working, they notice the six year old girl who lives opposite the site is sitting there, watching them with obvious interest. For the first few days, she just sits there, watching them. They give her a friendly wave, and she just smiles and waves back.

As ...

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Ladies: How can you tell the difference between being hungry and being horny?

# Depends on where you put the cucumber.



My wife can't get over this joke she heard on TicTok. She's told 10 people today. Practically forced me to post in on Reddit.

It just all depends on how you look at some things...

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid ...

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What do a sports refree and a pornstar have in common?

Their living depends on blow job

Bakeries are very dependent on money

They knead the dough.

Some girl

Some girl asked me if she was wearing too much make up.

I told her it depends on if she was trying to kill batman.

What's the Difference between pink and purple?

Depends on how hard you grip it.

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A Redditor walks into a brothel…

And he sees four doors, the first three have long lines behind them and the fourth has none. He is greeted by a elderly woman. After asking why this brothel was so popular, she explains that it’s because this isn’t just a regular brothel, this is a special brothel! The man takes another look around ...

I rely on hotels so much I’ve actually become quite

Inn-dependent

How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

It depends on whether you'll see them later or in a while.

I asked my doctor if I could take a bath with diarrhea

He said, "it depends on the amount"

A concerned parent calls their child’s pediatrician and says, “Recently my child has started eating power cords. What should I do?”

Without missing a beat the doctor responds, “depending on the current situation at home you need to ground him until he can conduct himself appropriately!”

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