What lighting affixture requires shoes?

sockets

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"


To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his<...

People whose jobs require them to enter someone else's house, such as plumbers and electricians, what is the weirdest thing you've seen at a customer's house?

My wife.

Agency: "Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements.

How do you want their placements, sir?"

MD: "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyse the situation:

1. If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounts departmen...

Yo mama so stupid, her password requirement needed to be 8 characters long so she typed in

"Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs".

I asked my wife, “Did you know there’s a fruit you can eat that provides your daily requirement of potassium?”

My wife: That’s bananas.

Me : I know. I couldn’t believe it either.

What place in the Arizona doesn’t require appointments for doctor visits?

Walk-in Phoenix

At a position of entry for asylum seekers, the functionaries have started to not require first and last name anymore, since some of the refugees had been analphabets.

Instead all they want now is two x's, one for first, one for last name. So they take the asylum seekers in, record their two crosses and move on.

At some point a woman comes in and writes down three x's. The person tending to her tells her: "Hey, you only need to make two x's.", to which she...

Permits required A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bush land in northern N.S.W.

There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property.

She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb the big gum.

As she neared the top, she encountered a koala that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the t...

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Being accepted into the Baptist church requires a tough test.

The minister meets with three married couples who want to join the Baptist Church. The first couple are retirees from Florida, the second couple are in their early 40s, and the last couple are newlyweds, having been married only 3 weeks. "We have developed a small test for those who want to join, I'...

Princess asked if anyone who could fulfill all three requirements, she would marry him otherwise a death penalty...

Requirements:
1. Must drink plenty of alcohol.
2. Must kill the hungry lion inside a cage and bring the eyes.
3. Must make the princess happy in bed.

After hearing the announcement, a poor drunk man thought he would be able to drink free alcohol and die peacefully. Without a fur...

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Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.


One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't hav...

All good teams require good communication...

So why in the hell do we keep losing to the school for deaf kids!?!?

Covid-19 is like client requirements...

This virus is like a client requirement. It keeps mutating regularly and a major change comes in just when you are about to go on holidays.

Walmart has announced it will now require shoppers to wear masks in its stores.

However, pants will still be optional.

All pirates medics were required to be certified in

C. P. ARRRRRR.

Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 81, your two hour rental period is up, please return to the dock.

Boat rental intern to manager: uh, sir, we only have 60 boats.

Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 18, do you require assistance?

So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the...

Weight loss

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about he...

I would never ever cheat in a Relationship..

because that would require 2 people to find me attractive.

One night four college students were out partying late

One night four college students were out partying late night and didn’t study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning, they thought of a plan. They made themselves look dirty with grease and dirt. Then they went to the teacher and said they had gone out to a weddi...

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PornHub now requires all visitors to watch at least 5 minutes of dwarf MILF content before accessing other videos.

That's the bare mini mum.

Mandatory temperature checks will be required for attending the Foreigner reunion concert

If you’re hot blooded, they’ll check it and see

A concert promoter walks into a bar

A concert promoter walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Now that they are easing the Covid restrictions have you been able to plan any big events?" the bartender asks. "Well, we're planning a Foreigner reunion concert for later this summer. But we're still going to require mandatory temperature ...

I got a joke but it requires that you know who D.B. Cooper is

I don't want to sound condescending while telling a joke about a con descending

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According to a news report...

a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little li...

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu ?

Bird flu requires tweetment and swine flu requires oinkment.

If Ice Cream Required a Prescription

Each scoop would cost $300 negotiated down to a mere $50.

It would only be available at the pharmacy across town.

You would have to buy 200 pounds at a shot and store it on your own.

There would only be one flavor, black licorice.

It'll take 20 years for a generic ice...

By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it is raining in Sweden

How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?

I have a joke on Bitcoin

But it requires so much energy to get it.

Once there was a dragon slayer named Nick.....

Nick was a wealthy man, due to the fact that there were many dragons around the kingdom that required killing. The king of the land used to pay a great price for every dragon killed. But Nick had a deep secret, he had a massive desire to sleep with the queen, even if it was just for a night.
One...

As a child I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day to survive.

Luckily my older brother told me about it.

Being a free diving instructor requires you to teach others how to hold their breath under water while not using scuba gear.

It's a tankless job.

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A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches.

After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said: "Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration." "You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches...

Just discovered there is an award you can give that doesn't require buying any coins!

I've been handing out orange and blue arrows ever since.

My wife called me an eyesore, when she really meant "sight for sore eyes"

And I'm going to keep telling this to myself so I can maintain the strength it requires to make it through this life.

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This is a long one that requires audience interaction. It’s always given me great return.

To preface this joke: you may alter the story as you see fit. Make it personal and use elements of your real life to make this a convincing story. The only key points that must be consistent will be highlighted in the text. The audience interaction will be italicized.

_________

The Cat...

A requirement to be a pilot is to be good at basic math

So I asked a couple pilots what 300 + 90 was and they all said 30. I guess they are not that smart after all.

If your workplace requires password changes every 90 days

just set it to the name of the current Australian Prime minister and you should be fine.

Parking a single car doesn’t require much space.

But parking 200 cars, now that requires a lot.

I have two requirements in my will....

1) I want my remains spread out at Disney World

2) I do not want to be cremated.

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For my next car, I’m planning to get a Honda directly from Japan and pay the required tariffs.

It’s..my Civic Duty.

Officer stops a man for speeding— notices he's not wearing his required prescription glasses.

Officer says, "I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses."

Driver says, "But Officer, I have contacts."

Officer says, "I don't care who you know, you're still getting a ticket."

There's a country where all cars are required by law to be rose-colored.

It's a pink car nation.

A shady robed man walks into Disney studios.

As he takes off his hood, he reveals the skull of a face he has underneath. The artists and director pause and murmur with each other.



"Are you lost?", they finally ask him.

"No. I'm fairly certain this is the right place. I bring back the dead with just a touch, a skill requir...

[long] My company is locked down and I am required to work from home

I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office so remind me of work.

* I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a plate in the middle of the room to remind me o...

Trump visits an elementary school

Trump visits an elementary school to greet the students and teachers. He asks the students, “what do you all want to be when you grow up?”

“A farmer,” shouts one.

“An astronaut,” shouts another.

“The President of the United States,” confidently says a little girl.

“Who sa...

A local pub had an electric bull riding competition

Many strong men tried and failed to last the required 8 seconds due to the ferocity of the steed.

A little, scrawny man stepped up and climbed aboard.

The bull started bucking slowly as the ride gained momentum, yet the man held on. 1, 2, 3 seconds.

Faster and faster it spun, ye...

Army soldiers can't comprehend the 6-foot social distancing requirement.

But everyone in the Navy can fathom it.

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Japanese ninjas were historically required to wrap any gifts in the same cloth they used to cover their faces

They had to mask their presents

I sure like that my car insurance requires a 10 character password.

I sure would hate it if someone ..... paid my car insurance?

Why don't they just let anybody become a conductor?

It requires a lot of training

TIL that Orville Redenbacher served in the US army.

Even though he was a colonel he didn’t want to be saluted. He only required a micro-wave.

Not all babies are sweet...

Some require a lot of sauce to even be edible.

Change in women's requirements towards men by years.

10 years - prince with a castle

15 years - a rock star

20 years - beautiful, smart and rich boy

25 years - a smart and rich man

30 years - a man that cooks and cleans

35 years - a man

40 years - a cat

45 years - two cats

Why as it important for Ted Cruz to be in Cancun while Texas is freezing?

Reptiles require sunlight.

TIL the government has a minimum height requirement for workers to receive Coronavirus relief payments. I was so angry...

but I'm over it

My friend rents out broken kites, no contracts or lease required.

No strings attached

Disclaimer: I know this joke is stupid. My 5 year old nephew did not tell me this.

Disabled people have earned the word “special.” Special needs, special school and special requirements...

So it always alarms me when I hear special forces going to war!

Positive Corona cases are way down in Texas over the last few days...

It requires power to perform the test.

Students, for your science exam you will be required to create a vacuum.

No pressure.

I recently decided to apply for Australian citizenship, and I was surprised at some of the questions they asked.

Like, they asked if I had ever been convicted of a crime. I had no idea that was still a requirement.

There is a new book required for Swat Teams to read

Its called "How to quickly open doors" by Bree Ching

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A horse attempts to enter a Walmart

He's immediately stopped at the door by a staff member.

"Sorry sir, you need to have a mask on to enter here."

"That's silly!", the horse exclaimed. "I'm a HORSE! I'm in no danger of contracting nor spreading coronavirus! Plus where am I supposed to find a mask to fit MY face?!"
...

I read a joke about an alternate ending to Peter Pan where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter Pan back to London in a body bag.

Not very funny and quite dark, but it requires a dead Pan delivery

Are you searching for a remote job with no prior experience required, $120k base pay+commission and a high-end company car? PM me.

We'll search together.

Woman gets test results for her husband from the doctor

Doctor: Well, ma'am, your husband can live a long and healthy life, but we have to observe a strict regimen for him, or he won't. First, no agitation. His heart doesn't take that well, so you have to speak quietly and softly to him, don't require him to make any hasty moves, don't wake him rudely an...

Daughter asked me why she can’t just quit school..

And I told her parents are required by the law to send kids to school and if they don’t then they’ll go to jail for breaking the law. My sweet child with a solemn look on her face looked me in the eye and said “Mom I’ll visit you.”

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A guy becomes a monk...

A guy goes to join an order of monks at an isolated monastery.

The head monk says to him, “This is a very strict order, we live simple lives devoted to silent prayer and physical labor. One of our requirements is a vow of silence.”

The guy nods.

The Monk continues, “You may spe...

What kind of house requires a lot of water?

A house on fire

A man becomes a monk..

A man becomes a monk at an abbey that requires him to work, study, and contemplate. He is allowed to speak only two words every ten years, so that they be the most consice and profound.

After the first ten years he goes through his first ceremony. He walks past the other lined disciples, knee...

I missed out on a great investment opportunity 5 years ago which required an initial deposit of $4 and had a return of thousands of dollars!

Don't believe me? Just ask my 4-year old!

One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years

Therefore, if you chug two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!

A computer program required 8 bits of memory

A computer program required 8 bits of memory but the programmer mistakenly allocated space for a 64 bit integer instead

They then tried to rectify the issue by declaring a second 64 bit integer but this didn't have the desired effect

Two longs don't make a byte

I have an empty school hall for sale.

Assembly required.

10 most funniest jokes ever.

So far have we gone, stressing up ourselves today. Let me remind you something, ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY. What this popular saying meant is that we shouldn't spend all our time on work. At least, making out 20 percent of your total time should be enough fun.

Today, I have m...

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into ...

[Old] As the president of the United States, Donald Trump is required to take an obstacle course...

The man running the obstacle course tells him that in order to pass the test, he needs to get a time under 12 minutes. Trump tries his hardest going through the obstacle course, getting a time of 11:24. Happy with his time, he asks the man running the obstacle course: "Did I get the best time?"
<...

Some religious people believe that serious illnesses such as cancer do not require medical treatment,

and can be cured by the power of prayer alone.

Sceptics may chuckle, but there is a scientific basis for this kind of thinking.

It's called natural selection.

What is the requirement to start a pet food business?

A pet-degree.

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A man with no ears

A man with no ears is trying to find a news reporter for his news show.

The first guy walks in and the boss says, "'This job requires you noticing a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?" And the guy says, "'Well, shit! You got no ears, man!" So the boss yells, ·Get the f\*\...

Why does Nintendo require an online subscription to finish Final Fantasy VII?

Cloud saves.

What do you call a hero that doesn't aim for the head and requires a rematch?

A Thor loser.

Next Black Mirror episode will require

you to write and direct it yourself while Charlie Brooker goes on a vacation.

Problem about being in IT. You go by requirements and logic.

Husband is a programmer.


Wife : Honey, please go to the super market and get 1 bottle of milk.
If they have bananas, bring 6.


He came back with 6 bottles of milk.


Wife: Why the hell did you buy 6 bottles of milk?!?!


Husband (confused): BECAUSE THEY HAD...

Did you hear there is no longer an essay requirement on the SAT?…

...Now it’s just going to be called the T.

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A traveler checked in at a hotel that advertised widely as offering

everything a client might desire.  The traveler at once called room service.  "I want to have brought to my room," he said, "a young virgin
between the ages of 18 and 19, who must have blonde hair and blue eyes. I also want sent up 4 pieces of strong rope, each exactly 4 feet in
length, and a ...

Fun Facts about ants

So as you may or may not know, ants have many breeds, but above these breeds, two general groups can be seen in ants around the world. These groups are the Macro ants (Big ants), and the Micro ants (Small ants).

Multiple different breeds of ants can be found in each of the two groups (Such ...

Matthew McConaughey walked into a deli to order a sandwich

“What can I get for you?” the shopkeep asked.

Matthew replied, “well my good man, you see I’ve had the good fortune of becoming a world renown celebrity, an academy award winning actor, I’ve played some of the most iconic roles in television history, and I’m even known for my whimsical yet c...

Biden has won so many times in Michigan now

he's legally required to change his name to Ohio State.

Why do transphobes never buy anything?

Because that would require trans action

I asked R Kelly what was required to be in his cult

He replied "you're in"

If it requires three people to do a threesome then...

That's why people tell me I'm handsome...

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In Prison vs. At Work

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.

AT WORK...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.

AT WORK...You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON... You get time off for good be...

I've got all the qualifications required to be a taxi driver.

I don't speak English and I can't drive.

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Why People Hate School Re-Unions

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.

 They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey ...

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At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

The doorman at a bar refuses a patron entry because dress code requires a tie be worn.

So the patron goes back to his car and pulls a set of booster cables from the trunk, ties it around his neck like a tie and returns to the doorman.

The doorman says. "OK, that will work, but you better not start anything".

On an examination paper, The professor required his students to sign a form stating they had received no outside assistance...

....Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.

The professor carefully studied the answer script....

...and then said: "You can sign with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."

Did you know that in malaria ridden areas, muslims are not required to remove shoes when entering their praying buildings?

Mosque-y toe control is essential.

I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.

"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"

Revitalized, we picked up the pace.

"And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point an...

What skill requires 90 percent arm strength and 10 percent groan noises

Tennis

Never use phrases from another language

unless what you’re trying to say requires a certain *je ne sais quoi.*

Politicians should be required to dress like NASCAR drivers.

With patches all over their suits telling us who their “sponsors” are.

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Hitler hires a new cook

Before taking up the job he is told there are 2 main requirements - Making good healthy food for the dictator and never interfering in his policies.

On his first day he finds out about all of Hitler's preferences, likes and dislikes. With all of that in mind he makes everything as expected e...

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