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The Taliban has promised they WILL require a Covid Vaccine Pass

\- from all individuals who are seeking to attend public executions.

My army of bugs is crippled. All my soldiers are much too short to be good fighters, and I require more bread to feed them.

I lack toast and taller ants.

My new diet and exercise program requires me to not eat for 24 hrs and maintain an erection

It’s a hard and fast rule

I recently had a procedure done on my elbow to correct a compressed ulnar nerve that required a 3-inch incision and some sutures…

Guess you can say I had surgery on my funny bone that left me in stitches.

A woman is badly burned in a car accident and requires a skin graft on her face.

Because of her injuries the doctors are unable to take skin from any part of her body, so they must rely on a donor. Her husband of 25 years volunteers and the operation goes ahead. Whilst deciding which bit of his skin to use he mentions he has a smooth bottom and perhaps that would be the best pla...

I wanted to get a job that doesn’t require too much intelligence

So I decided to run for the President of the United States

A man calls up the White House and tells the receptionist, "I would like to become the next president of the United States."

The receptionist asks, "What are you, an idiot?"

The man asks, "Why, is it required?"

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"


To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his<...

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A women decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday

She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.<...

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

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Being a teenager is the worst. I've jerked off more than I've studied.

Which is ironic. One of then requires you to clear up space, look up the material, make sure theres no distractions around you and focus.

....and the other ones studying.

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

My uncle is mad that he lost his job to an illegal immigrant

It took him forever to find a job that neither requires a third grade education nor a background check.

Jim and Ted were let go after 15 years working at the bra factory so they headed down to the local Employment office…

There they each filled out some forms. They both had worked the same quality assurance positions on the line down at the “Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder Inc.”. Afterwards they each met with a jobs counselor to try and find new employment they could embark on. As the final step they met individua...

A creationist told me that evolution must be wrong because it violates the second law of thermodynamics

His claim was that in order for simple organisms like bacteria to evolve into much more complex life like fish and mice and horses and gorillas and people, an enormous input of energy would be required, therefore it must be impossible.

I stayed up all night trying to think of something that w...

Populating the Earth

One day God said to Adam, “*It’s nearly time for you and Eve to begin populating Earth. So I want you to kiss her.*”

“*I don’t understand*”, said Adam. “*What does to kiss mean?*”

God understood that it was all new to Adam so patiently he explained to Adam what was required of him.
...

The Lord of the Manor had a butler called Wibble, One day he called Wibble and said, “What about running my bath Wibble.”

“Certainly , will there be anything else my lord?” said Wibble.

“Yes Wibble, what about my dressing gown.”

“Certainly , will there be anything else my lord?”

“Yes Wibble, what about my carpet slippers.”

“Certainly , will there be anything else my lord?”

“No Wibble,...

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

People whose jobs require them to enter someone else's house, such as plumbers and electricians, what is the weirdest thing you've seen at a customer's house?

My wife.

The best beginner pet is a Hamster

They live for 5 days and don’t require any food or water!

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.


One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't hav...

What kind of vaccinations are required for ghosts?

"Boo"ster shots!

The star football player was missing his academic requirements

He was the best player they'd seen in years, but unfortunately, shared an IQ with his helmet. Regulations required that the player be benched until he brought his grades back up.

The coach, wanting to win their first season in decades, pled to allow the player to finish the season. It was fin...

Making fun of that British actor Cumberbatch's name is legally required to carry on.

There's Ben an Edict.

All good teams require good communication...

So why in the hell do we keep losing to the school for deaf kids!?!?

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Wife or Golf

A man was at the country club playing his weekly round of golf. He began with an eagle and followed it with a birdie on the second hole.
On the third hole, he scored his first-ever hole-in-one, and just as he began celebrating his cell phone rang…
It was a doctor in the local ER notifying hi...

When I was young, my father required me to play one specific song on the drum kit perfectly before I could be called a man

It was a cymbalic right-of-passage

Are vegetables required in every sentence?

Not nececelery

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A cop pulled over a bloke for speeding....

He goes up to the bloke and says

>And where do you think you're going at that speed this early in the morning.

The driver replies

>I'm going to work

To which the officer replies

>And what job requires you to get there this quick?

The driver thinking...

Agency: "Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements.

How do you want their placements, sir?"

MD: "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyse the situation:

1. If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounts departmen...

Yo mama so stupid, her password requirement needed to be 8 characters long so she typed in

"Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs".

Walmart has announced it will now require shoppers to wear masks in its stores.

However, pants will still be optional.

Piano man has had enough

Son can you play me a melody?

I'm not really sure how it goes

But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete

When I wore a younger man's clothes



The most basic requirement of song requests

Is to know what tune you have heard

Do you also go to the...

God and the devil chat about music

The god and the devil were chating, as they usually do when the concept of music came up.
With a bit of intrigue God asked the devil how he'd managed to get into every genre of music, from rock & rap to hip hop & metal ect .
The devil chuckled no no no , music is too special, too human...

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Being accepted into the Baptist church requires a tough test.

The minister meets with three married couples who want to join the Baptist Church. The first couple are retirees from Florida, the second couple are in their early 40s, and the last couple are newlyweds, having been married only 3 weeks. "We have developed a small test for those who want to join, I'...

I asked my wife, “Did you know there’s a fruit you can eat that provides your daily requirement of potassium?”

My wife: That’s bananas.

Me : I know. I couldn’t believe it either.

Call me crazy, but I think if someone tells you how they feel they should also be required to provide you with a common food seasoning.

That's just my opinion though, so take it with a grain of salt.

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are asked to design a fence.

The fence is required to contain as much land as possible for the least amount of fence material.

The engineer says "easy, just make a circular fence"

The physicist says, "wait a second! If you build the fence across the equator you'll have an even higher area/fence ratio!"

The ...

A new law

Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. "What brings you guys in today?" the bartender asks. "I guess you haven't heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at l...

Parking a single car doesn’t require much space.

But parking 200 cars, now that requires a lot.

Pub Landlord Required....

Must Have Own Pub...

Apply with Inn.

Little Benny was very sick, and the doctors had given up hope.

As a last present, his parents brought him to Arabia on a trip. While they were walking through a market, little Benny bought a lamp from a vendor.

When he arrived home, he rubbed the lamp to clean it, and, to his surprise, a genie popped out in a flash of light.

"What is it that you ...

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It's 1939 and the Soviets are attacking Finland.

So it's 1939, winter, the soviets are attacking Finland and the Karelian isthmus is basically a burning icy hell where peoples throats are cut in nightly raids and their blood turns to ice before their bodies hit the earth.

At one section of the Finnish trenches there are only two guys left ...

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Cows and ideologies (long)

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots...

Permits required A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bush land in northern N.S.W.

There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property.

She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb the big gum.

As she neared the top, she encountered a koala that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the t...

By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it is raining in Sweden

How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?

Mandatory temperature checks will be required for attending the Foreigner reunion concert

If you’re hot blooded, they’ll check it and see

Three men die and are at the pearly gates ...

St Peter explains to them that, while in the old days God demanded that only Christians who closely studied the Bible could get into Heaven, times have changed and requirements have been relaxed. These days, you only need to know the basics.
St Peter turns to the first man and says, "if you can...

What's the difference between the Taliban and Texas?

The Taliban requires women to wear masks

I drink beer because I'm too lazy to walk

They say you should walk 10000 steps, the AA only requires 12

All pirates medics were required to be certified in

C. P. ARRRRRR.

I have two requirements in my will....

1) I want my remains spread out at Disney World

2) I do not want to be cremated.

Princess asked if anyone who could fulfill all three requirements, she would marry him otherwise a death penalty...

Requirements:
1. Must drink plenty of alcohol.
2. Must kill the hungry lion inside a cage and bring the eyes.
3. Must make the princess happy in bed.

After hearing the announcement, a poor drunk man thought he would be able to drink free alcohol and die peacefully. Without a fur...

Did you hear about the judge who gave a jaywalker a very long sentence?

"Jaywalking laws require that pedestrians obey traffic control signals unless otherwise instructed by law enforcement which, in addition to traffic signals, jaywalking laws dictate how pedestrians may legally cross the street when no signals are present and though many states require that pedestrian...

Just discovered there is an award you can give that doesn't require buying any coins!

I've been handing out orange and blue arrows ever since.

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A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

Covid-19 is like client requirements...

This virus is like a client requirement. It keeps mutating regularly and a major change comes in just when you are about to go on holidays.

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive...

It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

A shaolin disciple comes to his master for guidance.

A shaolin disciple of several years seeks out his master as he is in deep meditation, seeking enlightenment:

"Master, forgive my intrusion. But I require your aid. I have not managed to progress at my techniques for months now!"

After a moment of silence, the wise master calmly speaks...

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The Lemon Cookie

A man has been feeling sick so he goes to see a doctor and the doctor diagnosed him as having a tapeworm.

The man is distraught, but the doctor tells him about a new experimental treatment for tapeworms. It doesn’t require any surgery, it’s completely outpatient, and it only take four days. <...

Officer stops a man for speeding— notices he's not wearing his required prescription glasses.

Officer says, "I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses."

Driver says, "But Officer, I have contacts."

Officer says, "I don't care who you know, you're still getting a ticket."

Bobby joins the military.

Recruitment sergeant: what would you like to achieve?
Bobby: I want to be a general after 2 years.
Recruitment sergeant: are you insane?
Bobby: is that required?

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PornHub now requires all visitors to watch at least 5 minutes of dwarf MILF content before accessing other videos.

That's the bare mini mum.

I got a joke but it requires that you know who D.B. Cooper is

I don't want to sound condescending while telling a joke about a con descending

God and the Biker, I will grant you one wish...

A biker was riding on a highway along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said: "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said: "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I  c...

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform pre...

I went to Australia…

While going through customs, the officer asks me if I have a criminal record. I respond, “is that still a requirement?”

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New Job!!

A young guy living in Boston recently became unemployed and he immediately went to the nearest job center where he noticed a flyer pinned to the job board seeking a "Gynecologist's Assistant to work at a newly-built 'Soothing Approach Gynecology Center', no experience required".
He was very inter...

Change in women's requirements towards men by years.

10 years - prince with a castle

15 years - a rock star

20 years - beautiful, smart and rich boy

25 years - a smart and rich man

30 years - a man that cooks and cleans

35 years - a man

40 years - a cat

45 years - two cats

Two Patients

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second pat...

I got pulled over by a state trooper the other day.

Trooper: Your license states that you're required to wear corrective lenses. Where are your glasses?

Me: It's ok. I've got contacts.

Trooper: Listen pal, I don't care who you know!

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

A requirement to be a pilot is to be good at basic math

So I asked a couple pilots what 300 + 90 was and they all said 30. I guess they are not that smart after all.

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A very wealthy widow in NYC just bought a huge penthouse apartment...

It was gorgeous. Two whole floors of the building overlooking Central Park. The only issue was a big, blank, white wall. So, the widow decided to hire a muralist.

She found the perfect artist and told him what she wanted.

"I've always loved the rimanticized Old West. Westerward expansi...

If Ice Cream Required a Prescription

Each scoop would cost $300 negotiated down to a mere $50.

It would only be available at the pharmacy across town.

You would have to buy 200 pounds at a shot and store it on your own.

There would only be one flavor, black licorice.

It'll take 20 years for a generic ice...

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So, a frog walks into a bank...

A well dressed frog with a briefcase and dark shades walks into a bank and sits down at a desk. The clerk is a bit shocked to see a frog in a suit and tie but, being professional, asks the frog how me can help him.


"Umm, hello sir, My name is Patty, how can I help you today?"
"I ne...

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

Why does Nintendo require an online subscription to finish Final Fantasy VII?

Cloud saves.

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For my next car, I’m planning to get a Honda directly from Japan and pay the required tariffs.

It’s..my Civic Duty.

Some religious people believe that serious illnesses such as cancer do not require medical treatment,

and can be cured by the power of prayer alone.

Sceptics may chuckle, but there is a scientific basis for this kind of thinking.

It's called natural selection.

If your workplace requires password changes every 90 days

just set it to the name of the current Australian Prime minister and you should be fine.

Next Black Mirror episode will require

you to write and direct it yourself while Charlie Brooker goes on a vacation.

Disabled people have earned the word “special.” Special needs, special school and special requirements...

So it always alarms me when I hear special forces going to war!

One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years

Therefore, if you chug two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!

Problem about being in IT. You go by requirements and logic.

Husband is a programmer.


Wife : Honey, please go to the super market and get 1 bottle of milk.
If they have bananas, bring 6.


He came back with 6 bottles of milk.


Wife: Why the hell did you buy 6 bottles of milk?!?!


Husband (confused): BECAUSE THEY HAD...

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Japanese ninjas were historically required to wrap any gifts in the same cloth they used to cover their faces

They had to mask their presents

[long] My company is locked down and I am required to work from home

I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office so remind me of work.

* I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a plate in the middle of the room to remind me o...

Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 81, your two hour rental period is up, please return to the dock.

Boat rental intern to manager: uh, sir, we only have 60 boats.

Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 18, do you require assistance?

Army soldiers can't comprehend the 6-foot social distancing requirement.

But everyone in the Navy can fathom it.

There's a country where all cars are required by law to be rose-colored.

It's a pink car nation.

There is a new book required for Swat Teams to read

Its called "How to quickly open doors" by Bree Ching

As a spy, I am often required to become intimate with beautiful women to find out their deepest secrets.

I work undercovers.

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A cruise ship spies a seemingly deserted island in the distance...

(Warning: This is a joke that might only be understood by Jews. That said, it's a classic, and one that most Jews find to be extremely funny and spot on. If you're not Jewish, read on if you would like to glean some insight into Jewish humor and culture.)

&nbsp;

So a cruise sh...

Being a free diving instructor requires you to teach others how to hold their breath under water while not using scuba gear.

It's a tankless job.

[Old] As the president of the United States, Donald Trump is required to take an obstacle course...

The man running the obstacle course tells him that in order to pass the test, he needs to get a time under 12 minutes. Trump tries his hardest going through the obstacle course, getting a time of 11:24. Happy with his time, he asks the man running the obstacle course: "Did I get the best time?"
<...

Are you searching for a remote job with no prior experience required, $120k base pay+commission and a high-end company car? PM me.

We'll search together.

If tea derived from marijuana becomes popular, eventually employees would require...

Pot Tea Training.

TIL the government has a minimum height requirement for workers to receive Coronavirus relief payments. I was so angry...

but I'm over it

A computer program required 8 bits of memory

A computer program required 8 bits of memory but the programmer mistakenly allocated space for a 64 bit integer instead

They then tried to rectify the issue by declaring a second 64 bit integer but this didn't have the desired effect

Two longs don't make a byte

Nobel award winning physicist and his limo driver

A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech. After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limousine...

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Story Time - The Dog Party

This is not all that funny and it was told to me as part of someone's leaving speech way back in the mid-80's - but it does leave a long lasting impression that you can take with you, anywhere:

In 1964, all of the dogs in the world attended a weekender party. Early in the afternoon - in the e...

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