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I have two requirements in my will....

1) I want my remains spread out at Disney World

2) I do not want to be cremated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.<...

Parking a single car doesn’t require much space.

But parking 200 cars, now that requires a lot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"


To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his<...

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.


One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't hav...

I asked my wife, “Did you know there’s a fruit which gives you your entire daily potassium requirement?”

Her: That’s bananas.

Me: I know. I was shocked too.

A woman is badly burned in a car accident and requires a skin graft on her face.

Because of her injuries the doctors are unable to take skin from any part of her body, so they must rely on a donor. Her husband of 25 years volunteers and the operation goes ahead. Whilst deciding which bit of his skin to use he mentions he has a smooth bottom and perhaps that would be the best pla...

Jobs Wanted: Ejection seat tester required.

Small amount of travelling required.

By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it is raining in Sweden.

How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pornhub now requires every user to watch at least one hour of dwarf-MILF content.

That's the bare mini-mum.

Change in women's requirements towards men by years.

10 years - prince with a castle

15 years - a rock star

20 years - beautiful, smart and rich boy

25 years - a smart and rich man

30 years - a man that cooks and cleans

35 years - a man

40 years - a cat

45 years - two cats

All good teams require good communication...

So why in the hell do we keep losing to the school for deaf kids!?!?

I wanted to get a job that doesn’t require too much intelligence

So I decided to run for the President of the United States

When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive...

It’s a good thing my brother told me about it

The best beginner pet is a Hamster.

They live for 5 days and don’t require any food or water.

What requires no experience, gives no training, pays nothing, you can’t quit and people’s lives are on the line?

_*Motherhood.*_

Problem about being in IT. You go by requirements and logic.

Husband is a programmer.


Wife : Honey, please go to the super market and get 1 bottle of milk.
If they have bananas, bring 6.


He came back with 6 bottles of milk.


Wife: Why the hell did you buy 6 bottles of milk?!?!


Husband (confused): BECAUSE THEY HAD...

If your workplace requires password changes every 90 days

just set it to the name of the current Australian Prime minister and you should be fine.

Permits required

A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bush land in northern N.S.W.

There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property.

She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to clim...

Pub Landlord Required....

Must Have Own Pub...

Apply with Inn.

A lady of advanced age required the services of a page-boy ...

... and advertised: "Youth wanted."

One of her dearest friends sent her by the next post a bottle of Blank's celebrated wrinkle filler, a skin tightener, a pot of fairy bloom, a set of false teeth, and a flaxen wig.



Source: "Empress Express" Newspaper, June 20, 1913, Empress, A...

How to win the war on drugs

1) legalize all drugs.
2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.

What is the one movement where no movement is actually required

Body positivity movement.

Are vegetables required in every sentence?

Not nececelery

Next Black Mirror episode will require

you to write and direct it yourself while Charlie Brooker goes on a vacation.

Walmart has announced it will now require shoppers to wear masks in its stores.

However, pants will still be optional.

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Usually one. Lightbulbs are relatively easy to screw in, although depending on the position/location of said light it may require a stepladder or some sort of object to stand on to elevate yourself. Always be careful when installing electronics, make sure the light switch is OFF before going near it

Mandatory temperature checks will be required for attending the Foreigner reunion concert

If you’re hot blooded, they’ll check it and see

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Being accepted into the Baptist church requires a tough test.

The minister meets with three married couples who want to join the Baptist Church. The first couple are retirees from Florida, the second couple are in their early 40s, and the last couple are newlyweds, having been married only 3 weeks. "We have developed a small test for those who want to join, I'...

What kind of vaccinations are required for ghosts?

"Boo"ster shots!

The star football player was missing his academic requirements

He was the best player they'd seen in years, but unfortunately, shared an IQ with his helmet. Regulations required that the player be benched until he brought his grades back up.

The coach, wanting to win their first season in decades, pled to allow the player to finish the season. It was fin...

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

Covid-19 is like client requirements...

This virus is like a client requirement. It keeps mutating regularly and a major change comes in just when you are about to go on holidays.

Proof required.

A man shopping in a supermarket brought his purchase of two cans of
dog food to the checkout counter. The cashier asked, "Sir, do you have
a dog?"


"Yes." the man replied.

"Well, where is it?" asked the cashier.

"I left him home." he answered.

"Sorry," the cashie...

My army of bugs is crippled. All my soldiers are much too short to be good fighters, and I require more bread to feed them.

I lack toast and taller ants.

what do you do when you see a severely injured pig that requires immediate medical attention ?

.
.
.
.


You call the hambulance.

All pirates medics were required to be certified in

C. P. ARRRRRR.

Agency: "Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements.

How do you want their placements, sir?"

MD: "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyse the situation:

1. If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounts departmen...

Just discovered there is an award you can give that doesn't require buying any coins!

I've been handing out orange and blue arrows ever since.

Why do ambulances require two drivers at all times?

Because they're a pair o' medics.

Why does Nintendo require an online subscription to finish Final Fantasy VII?

Cloud saves.

I would never cheat in a relationship,

because that would require two people to find me attractive.

When I visited Australia, the immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record…

Confused, I replied, “Oh, is that still required?”

Making fun of that British actor Cumberbatch's name is legally required to carry on.

There's Ben an Edict.

My new diet and exercise program requires me to not eat for 24 hrs and maintain an erection

It’s a hard and fast rule

Groucho Marx upon learning about the skinhead hazing requirement of the bald-headed society…

‘I refuse to belong to any club that would shave me as a member’

Why do most French recipes require only one egg?

In France, one egg is *un oeuf*

If tea derived from marijuana becomes popular, eventually employees would require...

Pot Tea Training.

People whose jobs require them to enter someone else's house, such as plumbers and electricians, what is the weirdest thing you've seen at a customer's house?

My wife.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For my post-vasectomy follow-up my doctor required that I give one last semen sample. As a graduated Eagle Scout, I showed up to the appointment with all the necessary supplies: extra clothes, med-kit, secondary ID, Swiss Army knife, field guide, compass, and wet wipes.

When the nurse walked in to collect my sample she said, “I see you came prepared!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration"

The doctor said, "You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. H...

Some religious people believe that serious illnesses such as cancer do not require medical treatment,

and can be cured by the power of prayer alone.

Sceptics may chuckle, but there is a scientific basis for this kind of thinking.

It's called natural selection.

A computer program required 8 bits of memory

A computer program required 8 bits of memory but the programmer mistakenly allocated space for a 64 bit integer instead

They then tried to rectify the issue by declaring a second 64 bit integer but this didn't have the desired effect

Two longs don't make a byte

Yo mama so stupid, her password requirement needed to be 8 characters long so she typed in

"Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs".

Why are glasses required to do math?

because you need it for davision

Army soldiers can't comprehend the 6-foot social distancing requirement.

But everyone in the Navy can fathom it.

A requirement to be a pilot is to be good at basic math

So I asked a couple pilots what 300 + 90 was and they all said 30. I guess they are not that smart after all.

Disabled people have earned the word “special.” Special needs, special school and special requirements...

So it always alarms me when I hear special forces going to war!

I got a joke but it requires that you know who D.B. Cooper is

I don't want to sound condescending while telling a joke about a con descending

One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years

Therefore, if you chug two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!

A creationist told me that evolution must be wrong because it violates the second law of thermodynamics

His claim was that in order for simple organisms like bacteria to evolve into much more complex life like fish and mice and horses and gorillas and people, an enormous input of energy would be required, therefore it must be impossible.

I stayed up all night trying to think of something that w...

[long] My company is locked down and I am required to work from home

I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office so remind me of work.

* I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a plate in the middle of the room to remind me o...

There is a new book required for Swat Teams to read

Its called "How to quickly open doors" by Bree Ching

What kind of house requires a lot of water?

A house on fire

I recently had a procedure done on my elbow to correct a compressed ulnar nerve that required a 3-inch incision and some sutures…

Guess you can say I had surgery on my funny bone that left me in stitches.

What is the requirement to start a pet food business?

A pet-degree.

Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 81, your two hour rental period is up, please return to the dock.

Boat rental intern to manager: uh, sir, we only have 60 boats.

Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 18, do you require assistance?

Indian motorcycles hired an outside accountant to figure out their declining revenue. the board of directors required all C-level executives to attend the reporting. He found that the executives were overpaid limiting production.

In summary: too many Chiefs not enough Indians.

What's the difference between the Taliban and Texas?

The Taliban requires women to wear masks

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

One requires a tweetment and one requires an oinkment.

I had a rough childhood. I couldn't play with toys that required supervision

I only had regular vision

There's a country where all cars are required by law to be rose-colored.

It's a pink car nation.

Princess asked if anyone who could fulfill all three requirements, she would marry him otherwise a death penalty...

Requirements:
1. Must drink plenty of alcohol.
2. Must kill the hungry lion inside a cage and bring the eyes.
3. Must make the princess happy in bed.

After hearing the announcement, a poor drunk man thought he would be able to drink free alcohol and die peacefully. Without a fur...

Students, for your science exam you will be required to create a vacuum.

No pressure.

I've got all the qualifications required to be a taxi driver.

I don't speak English and I can't drive.

The entry requirements of the Polish Club are strict...

You have to have an untarnished reputation.

What has two thumbs and doesn't understand jokes that require a visual component?

This guy!

If it requires three people to do a threesome then...

That's why people tell me I'm handsome...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

PornHub now requires all visitors to watch at least 5 minutes of dwarf MILF content before accessing other videos.

That's the bare mini mum.

Did you hear there is no longer an essay requirement on the SAT?…

...Now it’s just going to be called the T.

What do you call a Koala who doesn't meet the requirements?

Un-Koalified

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Requires a little visualization, "The Penguin"

Buddy needs a lay but only has $10 to his name, finds a seedy women in a seedy bar.

So he asks her "what can I get for $10 bucks"

"The Penguin" She replies. Desperate he's quick to agree and they find their way into an alley.

She pulls her skirt up and stands with her legs shoul...

When I heard my new job required passing a drug test.....

Boy was I excited. Finally a test in a subject I know about!

[Old] As the president of the United States, Donald Trump is required to take an obstacle course...

The man running the obstacle course tells him that in order to pass the test, he needs to get a time under 12 minutes. Trump tries his hardest going through the obstacle course, getting a time of 11:24. Happy with his time, he asks the man running the obstacle course: "Did I get the best time?"
<...

When I was young, my father required me to play one specific song on the drum kit perfectly before I could be called a man

It was a cymbalic right-of-passage

Why are North Koreans required to give their books to Kim Jong-un?

Because he is their Supreme Reader

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For my next car, I’m planning to get a Honda directly from Japan and pay the required tariffs.

It’s..my Civic Duty.

This joke requires you to <insert friend's name here>.

<Insert friend's name here> is walking along a country path and comes upon Mark Wahlberg enjoying some coitus with an unfortunate sheep whose head has become stuck in a fence. <Insert friend's name here> says, "Hey Marky-Mark, what are you doing to that sheep?" Mark replies, "I was just ...

A new bell ringer is required for the church

One day, a church is looking for a bell ringer, as the old one is retiring. An ad is placed on the local newspaper, and sure enough, someone shows up.

The problem is, this person has no arms. Nevertheless, he proves himself to the retiring bell ringer by using his teeth to ring the bells...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Japanese ninjas were historically required to wrap any gifts in the same cloth they used to cover their faces

They had to mask their presents

The Coast Guard recently changed their minimum height requirements to 6'.

That way if the boat sinks everyone can just walk to shore.

Call me crazy, but I think if someone tells you how they feel they should also be required to provide you with a common food seasoning.

That's just my opinion though, so take it with a grain of salt.

What's the Top Job Requirement for Deep Sea Diver Position?

Ability to work under pressure.

Being attractive is a requirement to become a firefighter...

Because they turn the hoes on.

TIL the government has a minimum height requirement for workers to receive Coronavirus relief payments. I was so angry...

but I'm over it

What do you call a hero that doesn't aim for the head and requires a rematch?

A Thor loser.

So I was applying for a job and one requirement was to be flexible

I have spinal fusion, guess not.

On an examination paper, The professor required his students to sign a form stating they had received no outside assistance...

....Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.

The professor carefully studied the answer script....

...and then said: "You can sign with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."

Did you know it’s a requirement for MIT doctorates program to know how to make Ecstasy?

They need it so they can get their MD in MA.

Making fun of a short's person height is cruel and requires no ability...

... one could even say it's the lowest form of humour.

Being a free diving instructor requires you to teach others how to hold their breath under water while not using scuba gear.

It's a tankless job.

City officials required all their male employees to socialize with male coworkers after work once a week.

They issued a government mandate.

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