How warm is a baby at birth?

Womb temperature.

What hurts more? Giving birth or being kicked in the nuts.

Kicked in the nuts, you don't ever hear guys asking to be kicked in the nuts again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all. Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.

Now it’s your turn to speak.

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I replied, "Yes just once."

The doctor asked, "What was it like?"

I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

What do Engineers use for birth control?

Their personalities

The pregnant researcher gave birth to twin girls.

She named one Constance and keeps changing the name of the other one.

What did the doctor say when the pregnant woman gave birth to a frozen pizza?

It's not delivery, it's DiGiorno!

I think the hospital accidentally switched our kids at birth!

They're identical twins, so it's hard to be sure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in 10 minutes - meet me in the car park".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman gives birth to a baby boy with no eyelids.

The parents are, as expected, devastated by Their son’s deformity.
Fortunately, at the hospital is a world-renowned optical surgeon, who gives hope to the distraught couple. He can replace the infant’s eyelids with the skin that will be cut away when the newborn is circumcised, since it is as de...

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At birth I was given a choice.

Amazing memory or a huge dick.

I don’t remember what I picked.

All crime should be punished, no exceptions. That is why I called the cops on my cat after she gave birth to kittens. Now don’t judge me for doing what had to be done, we all know

*littering* is a crime.

Did you know there's a word for people who rely on pulling out for birth control?

Parents.

A woman starts to scream while giving birth.



"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

I told my friends a joke about birth complications, but no one laughed.

It must have come out wrong.

A SINGLE mother wakes up from a COMA after giving BIRTH to TWINS…

She asks the doctor “Where are my babies? I want to see my babies!”

The doctor says “Not to worry, your babies are safe and at home with your brother. You had two healthy babies, one boy, and one girl, but unfortunately I do have some bad news.”

Immediately thinking the worst, the moth...

A microwave gave birth to 2 identical twins.

They had no phase difference.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A man goes to the doctor to get birth control pills for his daughter

Doctor: Oh, is she sexually active?

Man: No, she just lays there like her mom.

After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I grinned and said, "Yes, Steve!" She gushed, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"

"Thanks." I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby?"

What does a microorganism say when they give birth to their sister?

OW! My toe sis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Japan have low birth and obesity rates?

Coz the last time they saw a fat man and a little boy 200,000 people died.

At birth i was given a choice

At birth I was given a choice between a magnum dong or the ability to remember every detail of my life I forgot what I picked.

There's a new men's birth control pill that's about the size of a marble. Don't get discouraged though, you don't have to swallow it or anything, you just put it into your shoe…

And it makes you limp…

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth.

The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman gives birth to a baby...

...and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child.."

The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "What's wrong with it?"

The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! I...

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD

A trip without the kids.

Birth pain transfer machine

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus r...

Classic #3829 - A guy is waiting at the hospital for his wife to give birth

A guy is waiting in the hospital waiting room, while his wife is in labor. There are 3 other men sitting next to him, also waiting for their wives to give birth.

The doctor comes out and says to the first guy, "Lucky you! Your wife just had twins!"
The guy says,"Wow what a coincidence, I ...

Pull out and pray isn't just my preferred method of birth control

It's also how i use my debit card

People tell me I don’t have a sense of humor. It’s not my fault. I was born with a serious birth defect.

I was born without a humerus.

If you give birth to a boy and it hurts afterwards...

Is it called a sonburn?

Two unrelated Korean girls who lost their sisters at birth met one day at the bar

They found that they looked rather similar. Both simultaneously asked "Did you go to Dr. Lee for plastic surgery?"

They have a new birth control for men, which is pretty fair.

It makes a lot more sense to take the bullets from the gun than to wear a bullet proof vest.

My favorite form of birth control is a condom inside a condom inside a condom...

Contraception

If a stork is the bird of birth, what’s the bird of birth control?

A swallow

A young woman is at her doctor's appointment when the doctor says, "Ma'am, I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant."

The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be..." She pauses for a
moment. "...Kid-in-me."

After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies
"Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"

The woman says "It was totally birth it."

My brother who has been blind since birth wanted to tell you his joke

isjoehfsfhs ishenjenbue usjdf uiegfenrsaf fs;j fjpiefjseflitgeo piowe

What’s the Pokemon Sableye’s birth sign?

Gem-in-eye

A cow gives birth to 4 cavles, and one day her oldest comes up and asks "Mother, why was I names 'Lotus'

The mother replies saying "Because when you were born, a lotus petal fell on your head". The next day, the mothers second oldest came up and asked why they were called Rose, and the mother replies "Because a rose petal fell on your head when you were born". Her third child asked why they were named ...

A woman once gave birth to 100 children

To avoid confusion, she simply named them after the number of their conception. Unfortunately all of them except for #90 died at a very young age.

90 was a little girl who grew up to be a great woman. She married at a young age and gave birth to two children, a daughter and a son. Unlike her ...

What did one fire tell to her husband, after their son's birth?

Honey... This is Arson.

They've just announced the birth of the royal baby and the name is 'yet to be decided'.

Unconventional and certainly the most original royal name yet.

Birth is alot like piloting a plane

Sometimes you gotta abort

Congratulations to the woman who gave birth to the kid named Envelope.

Hopefully, she keeps us posted.

they say that antibiotics prevent birth control from working

I don't know, I've taken antibiotics before and my personality still did its usual job

2 onions fall in love and mate, they give birth to a beautiful son!

One day, they leave the front door open on accident and the young onion rolls out into the world.

While crossing the street, the poor onion child gets flattened in the road...

He is then rushed to the hospital, the father rolling around in the hall, extremely anxious to hear any news.<...

John F. Kenndy's birth name was John Kennedy

The f was added to pay respect

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Questioner: Can you explain the birth of Jesus Christ from scientific point of view?

Me: OK, I’m not sure why it falls on me to be the one to tell you this, but I’m up for it, I guess. You see, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…

Questioner: No, no, no!

Me: What?

Questioner: I don’t want an explanation of where *babies* comes from. I want an expl...

My wife just gave birth

And now my best friend is acting like the king of dad jokes.

Somewhere in the world there us a lady giving birth every 1.5 seconds.

We've got to find this lady and stop her!

A woman was about to give birth at a hospital.

Her husband couldn't make it, but her two idiot brothers showed up to comfort her. The woman passed out right after giving birth to a boy and a girl. When she woke up, she saw her two children laying right next to her.

She told the doctor, "I'm ready to name my two children now."

The d...

A woman gives birth to twins. She gives them both up for adoption.

One goes to Egypt, they name him "Amal". The other goes to Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she had a picture of her other son. To which the husband replied "Why? They are twins. If y...

With the announcement that gel is being used by men as a form of birth control has many women upset

It must be a tough pill for them to swallow

A woman who is a month pregnant falls into a deep coma. Three months after giving birth, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby...



Doctor: Well, I have good news and bad news for you. Which would you like to hear first?

Woman: Of course, the good news.

Doctor: You had twins, both girls, and they’re both fine. Luckily, your brother was here to name them.

Woman: Oh, that drummer... What did he name th...

How do you know a pregnant eskimo is going to give birth

Her water cracks

What is another name for a birth day?

Labour day!

I’m super excited for the birth of my daughter. 7lbs5oz.

My wife isn’t too excited about this new name though.

My wife gave birth to a pair of twin and named the first boy Pete and first girl Kate

I named the second one Repeat and Duplikate

Which mammal is known to spend most of it's life in air but gives birth on land?

Student : Air Hostess

What's harder than giving birth?

Apparantly remembering the four o's in r/woooosh

What should the name of the first male birth control gel be?

Sonblock.

Checking out the birth facility

My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new birth facility that was more like a spa. The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music, and candlelight.

"What do you think?" she said

He looked around. "Isn't this how we got here in the first place?"

A newlywed couple goes to the hospital to give birth to their baby.

When they arrive, the doctor says that he invented a machine to transfer part of the labor pain of the mother to the father of the baby. He then asks if they agree.
The couple accepts gladly the procedure.
The doctor puts the machine at 10% for starting, explaining that even the 10% it's p...

You never hear any mention of who cut the cord at Jesus' birth.

It must have been unbiblical.

A man is overjoyed to find out that his wife has given birth to a baby girl, their second child.

Before entering the hospital room, the man gives his son a pep talk. "Son, before we go to see your baby sister, I have to inform you that she was born without ears. Please be nice, and don't mention anything to your mother."

"Ok", the son replied. Immediately upon entering the room, the son ...

I once spoke to a midwife about the miracle of birth

She said "Have you ever witnessed something as majestic as a human birth? It's wonderful!"


I said "I was at a birth once"


"Oh? How was it?" she quizzed me.


I said "first it was very very black, then all of a sudden very light"

45 year old me: "Doctor, I have post birth depression." Doctor: "But you haven't birthed."

Me: "But I was born"

If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God.....

Does that mean Mary have a little lamb?

My mother gave birth to me on the stairs

Well, I guess she’s really my stepmother

One of my best friends gave birth in a car, on the way to the hospital

His dad named him Carson.

Upon leaving the hospital after the birth of my son, a nurse in the elevator commented on him sucking on his mother’s finger, saying “he’s quite the little sucker.”

I responded “There’s one born every minute.” And that, my friends, was my very first Dad joke.

What’s the hardest part of giving birth to a shampoo bottle?

Head and shoulders

What do you call it when an obese lady gives birth?

A birthquake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL that Kim Kardashian's giant ass has it's own birth certificate, and even has a legal name:

Kanye

When my wife gave birth to twins, she went into a coma.

Upon waking up, she heard that her stupid brother named them.
Hearing the girl's name, Denise, she thought it wasn't gonna be so bad.
Then she heard the boy's name.
"DeNephew"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy's wife gave birth to triplets, Paddy says how did this happen?, wife replied, you remember that night I was so dry and we tried the lubricant (3 in 1)?, well that is when it happened, Paddy breathes a sigh of relief.

Thank fuck we didn't use WD40.

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

Did you hear about the new male birth control pill?

You take it the next day....it changes your blood type.

How do you make jokes about giving birth funny?

It's all in the delivery

My boss came into the office and poured us all shots to celebrate the birth of his daughter. I asked why the liquor had little bits of gold floating around in it, and he explained it was Goldschläger

Weird flecks, but ok.

What was the first thing the farmers daughter said after watching a sheep give birth for the first time?

Ewe

A woman was forced to give up her twins at birth

One of the boys goes to a family in Mexico and is named Juan. The other boy goes to a family in Africa, and is named Jamal.

Years later after the boys are grown her and her husband end up getting in contact with them. The couple is ecstatic! After a few letters have been exchanged the woman ...

So a comedian's wife is giving birth, So he starts telling jokes to lighten the mood,

This goes on for a while, and all the nurses start to relax,

Then the doctor says, "I don't know about that, but your delivery was a bit forced"

A woman was giving birth and the husband was away on a work trip, so she had her brother to accompany her.

She passed out whilst giving birth and when she woke up she was very worried. In her hospital the first thing they do after a baby is born is to name them. Her brother wasn't the smartest person in the room and she was understandably worried.

'Congrats mam you had twins, a boy and a girl!',...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady gives birth to twins

Once upon a time, a lady was pregnant with twin boys. She said to her husband “Whatever I say when they come out will be their names.” He agreed. The first one came out and she said “Jesus Christ!” So, oddly enough, that was his name. The second one came out and she said “Motherfucker!” So, his name...

My wife likes to use the fact that she gave birth to our 3 children to garner sympathy points...

I tell her that they came out of me before they came out of her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Chuck Norris’ aunt give birth to him?

Because nobody dared fuck his mother

When my wife told me she was giving birth

I said, "Ha! You must be kidding!"

She sighed and said, "Can we please just call it giving birth?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Researchers have developed a groundbreaking new birth control gel for men

How it works is the man applies the gel for about two minutes and then realizes he no longer needs sex.

We call the offices to register Births, Marriages and Death's in our town....

Hatch em, Match em and Dispatch em.

My girlfriend giving birth to our child has taught me many things.

Like how expensive plane tickets are.

What do you call a cow who has just given birth?

De-calf-inated

A Chinese couple gave birth to an albino baby

...which just goes to show that two Wongs do make a white.

My wife gave birth the other day.

Turns out birth control doesn't stop a girl from getting pregnant, it just changes the color of the baby.

My mom stopped making jokes after my birth.

She decided to quit at her peak.

The wife of an Asian Couple gave birth to a Caucasian child, and her husband knew she had been cheating...

...Afterall, two Wongs don't make a white.

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