This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said: “I’m off duty in 10 minutes - meet me in the car park.”

A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption...

She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East.

Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have bee...

What do engineers use as birth control?

Their personalities.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish woman is talking to her doctor after giving birth.

"We have a strange situation here," the doctor states. "Your son was born without eyelids. But there's an experimental procedure we can try. After the circumcision, we can take the leftover skin, and make him a new set of eyelids."

"Won't that make him cockeyed?"

"Sure, but think of th...

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with ...

A man and his wife go into the delivery room to give birth. The doctor says, “we have this new machine, where by the flip of a switch, the father can bear some of the pain to ease the mother. Want to try?” The every supportive husband says “sure.”

So, the doctor sets it to 10% and asks the husband how he feels.

“Fine. You can turn it up.”

Surprised, the doctor goes to 20%.

“More. This is easy”

Soon enough, the doctor goes to 30%, then 40, 50, 60, all the way to 100%. “I’ve never gone past the 25% mark” says the d...

Doctor: "Do you prefer that the baby's father be present st your birth?"

Patient: "I prefer not. He doesn't get along well with my husband."

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child. The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

I’m going to hell for this.

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A blond, brunette and red head are all in the delivery room ready to give birth.

The doctor walks in and goes the the brunette and asks how she prefers to have sex.

When she replies "missionary" he guesses she'll have a boy. A few minutes later, the baby is born and it's a boy.

Then the doctor steps up to the red head and asks how she prefers to have sex.
...

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Birth of a Candy Bar! rated XXX and NSFW

One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT o' HONEY, so he took MARY JANE back behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her MOUNDS. That was pure ALMOND JOY!! It made his TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out some SNICKERS as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICY FRUIT and caused a MILK...

A woman gives birth in the hospital to a beautiful baby boy. “I’d like to name him Jack”, she says to the Nurse.

“I’m sorry,” said the Nurse “but that name is already taken. How about Jack573 or Jack_142?”

statistics of birth control effectiveness

Condoms = 99%

birth control pills =99%

My tinder profile = 100%

How do you know you’re about to give birth to Satan?

When your water boils

What do you call the mother who gave birth to Super Mario?

Mario Maker

What did the baby say to his military mom after she gave birth to him?

Thank you for your cervix

A Native American Chief had three wives, all of whom were pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the th...

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Conspiracy theorists think that Vice President Cheney stole someone's identity, and that his birth name is actually Bart.

It's not true. I've met him. He's a real Dick.

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A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all. Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.

Now it’s your turn to speak.

I met a guy who thinks he was mixed up with his twin soon after birth.

I asked him, "What makes you think that, Joanna?"

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Having kids, not giving birth, but having kids is basically like having a shit

Pretty much everyone can do it. Gives you an unimpeachable excuse to miss work. Never really lives up to expectations

What do you call a cow that's just given birth ?

Decalfinated

What do you call a parent who denies their child birth control?

Grandparent!

9 of the top 10 days to give birth fall between Sept. 9 and Sept. 20. Given that pregnancies last an average of about 38 weeks, this means many people are conceiving in December, around the holidays.

In other words, if you can't afford to give presents, get f**ked.

How warm is a baby at birth?

Womb temperature.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Native American boy asked his father why they name the children after the first thing the mother sees after birth.

The father replies, “It’s tradition. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking In Snow?”

I made up a joke about the birth of a child....

I'm working on the delivery!

A woman successful gives birth to a baby after several hours of labour. The doctor takes the baby and leaves to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly behind to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against the wall.

The woman screams, "OH MY God! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY Baby!?" To which the doctor replies, " April fools! It was already dead!"

A woman gives birth to a healthy baby boy...

The baby asked the doctor, "Are you my father?"

"No." Replies the doctor.

The baby asks another doctor, "Are you my father?"

"Sure ain't." Replies the second doctor.

The baby asks his older brother, "Are you my father?"

"Not at all." Replies the brother.

Fin...

Why did Batman turn Catwoman into the police after she gave birth?

Because *littering* is a crime.

My 14 year old is finally taking an interest in me. Last night he asked me my date of birth.

Then he asked me what street I grew up on.

This morning he even asked where I met his mom and what was the name of my first pet! ❤❤❤❤❤

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman gives birth to a baby.

The doctor starts body slamming it ,throwing it against walls, stomping on it, etc.
The woman woman gave the doctor a terrified look.
The doctor says, "I'm just fuckin with you. It came out dead."

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do.

About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.”

“Do...

Two identical twins that were separated at birth were asked how they reunited

Well, one said, “we met online and immediately noticed many physical similarities”

The other chimed in “ we both mentioned in our bio how we never actually met our parents”

“It was quite a strange coincidence that we met, huh”

“Yeah, grinder is a wonder, isn’t it?”

February 1st, 1234 AD must’ve been the birth of the worlds best drummer

One / two / one two three four!

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A young woman gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Unfortunately he was born without eyelids.

The doctor called a plastic surgeon who was able to take the boys foreskin and make them into eyelids. Baby is going to be fine just going to be a little cockeyed.

Identical twins, given up at birth are separated and adopted by 2 different families.

One family takes one of the twins back to their home in Mexico and the other boy is sent to live with a family in Egypt.

Years later the birth parents receive a letter from their son in Mexico and inside the letter is a picture of him.

Ecstatic, the husband runs to his wife to show h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Getting hit in the balls is more painful then giving birth.

You always hear people saying they want another child but never that they want to be hit in the balls again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Greek and an Indian are having tea together and trying to one up each other on their historical achievements.

The Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".

Arching his eyebrows the Indian replies, "We have the Taj Mahal.”

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Indian, shaking his head, says, "But we invented the number 0.”

And so on and on th...

A woman gave birth to a set of twins...

She was so tired by the end of it that she fell asleep. She woke up 16 hours later and asked about her babies. The nurse said "You had two healthy babies. First one is a daughter and the second is a son. Fortunately your brother was here to name your kids since you were out cold. We tried several ti...

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How did the Virgin Mary know it was time to give birth to Jesus?

Her wine broke.

A woman starts to scream while giving birth.



"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

Once a woman gave birth to a very ugly baby

When the nurse showed it to her, she told her husband:

-Look at this, isn't it a treasure?

The husband replied:

-Of course it is, bring a shovel and lets bury it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW

### NSFW A man goes to the doctor to get birth control pills for his daughter

Doctor: Oh, is she sexually active?


Man: No, she just lays there like her mom

My Mother Gave Birth to Me at a Very Young Age

I would've preferred to have been born at 18 instead.

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven

When an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him ve...

My wife had just given birth to our first.

As I held my daughter in my arms for the first time, pride welled up inside me but there was something else as well that I couldn't place. After a time she looked up at me and started to cry. Confused, I looked to my wife.

She smiled knowingly saying, "I think she's hungry."

It was in ...

Chuck Norris Turns 80 today so remembering some of his ultimate Jokes

In 1950, Chuck Norris went to a church and performed a roundhouse kick so powerful it impregnated 22 nuns. Nine months later they gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins 🤣

Chuck Norris likes his meat so rare that he only eats unicorns.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn t...

I was just imagining Shrek trying to comfort Fiona while she gave birth to triplets.

"Better out than in ae Fiona"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pregnant woman walks into a bank...

While in the bank a group of robbers come in and demanded everyone to hit the ground and the tellers empty the tills. When the lady couldn't get down fast enough one of the robbers panicked and shot her three times in her belly and caused her to collapse. When she woke up hours later she found the r...

My wife just gave birth and she’s over the moon! I,on the other hand, plan to sue the surgeon who did my vasectomy.

Not once did he mention that a mixed race baby was a possible side effect!

My friend and his wife had a party to celebrate the premature birth of his child.

I arrived too early.

After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I grinned and said, "Yes, Steve!" She gushed, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"

"Thanks." I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At birth I was given a choice.

Amazing memory or a huge dick.

I don’t remember what I picked.

I was fired from my position in the birth ward at the hospital, but I thought I was doing a great job

Everybody kept saying I was killing it whenever I wrapped the umbilical cord around the baby’s neck to pull it out more easily

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth.

The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he ...

A SINGLE mother wakes up from a COMA after giving BIRTH to TWINS…

She asks the doctor “Where are my babies? I want to see my babies!”

The doctor says “Not to worry, your babies are safe and at home with your brother. You had two healthy babies, one boy, and one girl, but unfortunately I do have some bad news.”

Immediately thinking the worst, the moth...

What did the doctor say when the pregnant woman gave birth to a frozen pizza?

It's not delivery, it's DiGiorno!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is the birth rate so high in India?

Because everytime they finish having sex, they say "Thank you! Come again"

The pregnant researcher gave birth to twin girls.

She named one Constance and keeps changing the name of the other one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Japan have low birth and obesity rates?

Coz the last time they saw a fat man and a little boy 200,000 people died.

Hell explained by a Chemistry student

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which so...

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

Did you know there's a word for people who rely on pulling out for birth control?

Parents.

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD

A trip without the kids.

All crime should be punished, no exceptions. That is why I called the cops on my cat after she gave birth to kittens. Now don’t judge me for doing what had to be done, we all know

*littering* is a crime.

After the birth of our first child my wife was worried that she'd be a bit "loose" .

I tried to reassure her but ended up putting my foot in it.

There's a new men's birth control pill that's about the size of a marble. Don't get discouraged though, you don't have to swallow it or anything, you just put it into your shoe…

And it makes you limp…

What does a microorganism say when they give birth to their sister?

OW! My toe sis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman gives birth to a baby boy with no eyelids.

The parents are, as expected, devastated by Their son’s deformity.
Fortunately, at the hospital is a world-renowned optical surgeon, who gives hope to the distraught couple. He can replace the infant’s eyelids with the skin that will be cut away when the newborn is circumcised, since it is as de...

I told my friends a joke about birth complications, but no one laughed.

It must have come out wrong.

I think the hospital accidentally switched our kids at birth!

They're identical twins, so it's hard to be sure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets pulled over for speeding and the officer says,

"What's your name son"?

He replied. "D-d-d-dav-dav-David sir".

The officer looks at him suspiciously and says, "Oh, do you have a stutter"?

The guy replied, "No, my dad has a stutter, and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an asshole".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young Cherokee boy asked his father...

"Hey Dad, where did you get my brother's name?". His father replied, "You see, while your mother was giving birth, I was waiting outside and when I first heard him cry, I looked up and saw an eagle soaring up in the sky, that's why I named him 'Flying Eagle'".

"How about my sister?", the ki...

A microwave gave birth to 2 identical twins.

They had no phase difference.

My favorite form of birth control is a condom inside a condom inside a condom...

Contraception

A woman once gave birth to 100 children

To avoid confusion, she simply named them after the number of their conception. Unfortunately all of them except for #90 died at a very young age.

90 was a little girl who grew up to be a great woman. She married at a young age and gave birth to two children, a daughter and a son. Unlike her ...

Michael Jackson had the most impressive birth to death story arc or any person.

He was born a poor black boy and died a rich white woman.

My brother who has been blind since birth wanted to tell you his joke

isjoehfsfhs ishenjenbue usjdf uiegfenrsaf fs;j fjpiefjseflitgeo piowe

New Father Issues

A husband rushes into the hospital after being told his wife is giving birth.
The doctor meets him in the waiting room and hands him his newborn son.

"Congratulations on the birth of your son sir, but, I'm afraid your wife didn't make it." the doctor sadly informs him.

"Well," the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Young naive couple

A young naïve newlywed couple from rural China decided to move to America to start a new life with nothing but big dreams and the love for each other. They arrived at their new home in rural Minnesota, and although they were happy and still in love, the first couple of months were difficult. They ...

An American doctor is doing aid work in an Afghan village.

A woman in the village gives birth to a white baby. The village leader goes to the doctor and says:

“Doctor I am no fool. You’re the only white man around for miles. That baby must be yours.”

The doctor is caught off guard and as he’s pondering what to say he sees a group of goats. Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman went to the doctor and said "I'm not sure what the problem is, but my vagina doesn't work"...

A woman went to the doctor and said "I'm not sure what the problem is, but my vagina doesn't work".

The doctor had a thorough examination and was amazed.

"I've never seen anything like this" he said. "You can't have sex, you couldn't give birth, and it doesn't look like you can even us...

I used to be a man trapped inside a woman’s body...

And then my mom gave birth

At dinner last night

The waiter kept making the freudian slip calling the caesar salad caesarean salad. I asked him if he had any natural births, because I am eating organic.

Nobody at the table found this funny so I thought I would share because I found it hilarious.

Once there was a foster kid named Jumprope

No one through YEARS of guessing and thinking could figure out why on earth his birth parents would give him such a dumb name. They finally figured out why when he took a DNA test to figure out his ancestry, both of his parents were from the Netherlands. He was double dutch.

At birth i was given a choice

At birth I was given a choice between a magnum dong or the ability to remember every detail of my life I forgot what I picked.

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A Native American chief was teaching his son the history of their tribe.

“Father, how do we get our names?” asked the boy.

“Well son, you see, in our culture we are named in honor of the first ‘spirited ones’ our mothers see when the child is delivered.” explained the Chief.

“My father, Soaring Eagle was named for the great bald eagle that circled outside ...

If a stork is the bird of birth, what’s the bird of birth control?

A swallow

Classic #3829 - A guy is waiting at the hospital for his wife to give birth

A guy is waiting in the hospital waiting room, while his wife is in labor. There are 3 other men sitting next to him, also waiting for their wives to give birth.

The doctor comes out and says to the first guy, "Lucky you! Your wife just had twins!"
The guy says,"Wow what a coincidence, I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman gives birth to a baby...

...and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child.."

The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "What's wrong with it?"

The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! I...

John F. Kenndy's birth name was John Kennedy

The f was added to pay respect

People tell me I don’t have a sense of humor. It’s not my fault. I was born with a serious birth defect.

I was born without a humerus.

I scored 197 on an IQ test

The test was pretty easy, 10 simple questions, then to prove my identity they asked me for my date of birth, social and credit card details.

Pull out and pray isn't just my preferred method of birth control

It's also how i use my debit card

Two unrelated Korean girls who lost their sisters at birth met one day at the bar

They found that they looked rather similar. Both simultaneously asked "Did you go to Dr. Lee for plastic surgery?"

A newlywed couple goes to the hospital to give birth to their baby.

When they arrive, the doctor says that he invented a machine to transfer part of the labor pain of the mother to the father of the baby. He then asks if they agree.
The couple accepts gladly the procedure.
The doctor puts the machine at 10% for starting, explaining that even the 10% it's p...

They've just announced the birth of the royal baby and the name is 'yet to be decided'.

Unconventional and certainly the most original royal name yet.

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

Somewhere in the world there us a lady giving birth every 1.5 seconds.

We've got to find this lady and stop her!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Questioner: Can you explain the birth of Jesus Christ from scientific point of view?

Me: OK, I’m not sure why it falls on me to be the one to tell you this, but I’m up for it, I guess. You see, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…

Questioner: No, no, no!

Me: What?

Questioner: I don’t want an explanation of where *babies* comes from. I want an expl...

What did one fire tell to her husband, after their son's birth?

Honey... This is Arson.

If you give birth to a boy and it hurts afterwards...

Is it called a sonburn?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

A cow gives birth to 4 cavles, and one day her oldest comes up and asks "Mother, why was I names 'Lotus'

The mother replies saying "Because when you were born, a lotus petal fell on your head". The next day, the mothers second oldest came up and asked why they were called Rose, and the mother replies "Because a rose petal fell on your head when you were born". Her third child asked why they were named ...

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. 

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

He resp...

A woman was about to give birth at a hospital.

Her husband couldn't make it, but her two idiot brothers showed up to comfort her. The woman passed out right after giving birth to a boy and a girl. When she woke up, she saw her two children laying right next to her.

She told the doctor, "I'm ready to name my two children now."

The d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a man brought something home to show to his wife...

"What's that?" asks the wife.

"That," says her husband "is a wide mouthed frog. I just bought it from a guy in the bar, who had trained it from birth to give the best blowjobs a man could ever wish for. I tried it out on the way home, and it's true - it gave the best blowjob i've ever had."...

2 onions fall in love and mate, they give birth to a beautiful son!

One day, they leave the front door open on accident and the young onion rolls out into the world.

While crossing the street, the poor onion child gets flattened in the road...

He is then rushed to the hospital, the father rolling around in the hall, extremely anxious to hear any news.<...

A man is overjoyed to find out that his wife has given birth to a baby girl, their second child.

Before entering the hospital room, the man gives his son a pep talk. "Son, before we go to see your baby sister, I have to inform you that she was born without ears. Please be nice, and don't mention anything to your mother."

"Ok", the son replied. Immediately upon entering the room, the son ...

My wife just gave birth

And now my best friend is acting like the king of dad jokes.

Birth is alot like piloting a plane

Sometimes you gotta abort

Denise and WHAT?!

##

A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news. "Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children." "What did he name them?" she...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was pressured by his parents to attend a formal gathering...

Everything was going fairly well. He was largely being ignored, which was for the best so he avoided saying anything to embarrass himself.
Unfortunately, he had been holding in a nearly full bladder full a while and it could not wait until the end of the party. he had no choice but to walk up to ...

A woman in her late 40s had spent years as a birthing assistant.

She had helped bring many babies into the world and loved her work. On the day of her 50th birthday, she abruptly quit her job and used her savings to buy a luxury automobile. She had a midwife crisis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Overhead in a Arabic cafe- very nasty) A Tunisian, Algerian and Egyptian are arguing...

About whose the manliest out of all three. They decide to have a competition. They go to the zoo and rob three monkeys. They decide whoever gets the monkey pregnant must be the manliest man there is.

So the Tunisian shags his monkey and gets her pregnant and she gives birth to four little hum...

Birth pain transfer machine

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus r...

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