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Birth Jokes

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At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not pooping your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 30, success is having money...

At age 40, success is having money.

At age 55, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not pooping your pants.

At age 100, success is being alive.

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A redneck birth control

After having the 10th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough since they could not afford another kid.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him the he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy th...

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My wife just gave birth today

After thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside, and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

Credits to r/dadjokes

How warm is a baby at birth?

Womb temperature.

A woman giving birth went into a coma for a few days

When she woke up, the doctor told her, “congratulations, you gave birth to healthy twins: a girl and a boy. Your ex-boyfriend visited and named them for you”

The woman replies, “no not him! What did he name the boy?”

Doctor: Mason

Woman: Oh that’s actually not a bad name. How ab...

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with ...

A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption...

She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East.

Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have bee...

A logician has just given birth.

The logicians friend asks her “is it a boy or a girl?”

The logician replies “yes”

A woman once gave birth to 100 children

To avoid confusion, she simply named them after the number of their conception. Unfortunately all of them except for #90 died at a very young age.

90 was a little girl who grew up to be a great woman. She married at a young age and gave birth to two children, a daughter and a son. Unlike her ...

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I woman had just given birth to a baby boy...

The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." ...

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.

After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."

The Englishman suddenly gra...

A single mother wakes up from a coma after giving birth to twins...

She asks the doctor "Where are my babies? I want to see my babies!"

The doctor says "Not to worry, your babies are safe and at home with your brother. You had two healthy babies, one boy, and one girl, but unfortunately I do have some bad news."

Immediately thinking the worst, the moth...

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth...

The doctor comes in and informs him that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. Your son is just a head!

But the father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and
compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar an...

If the stork is the bird of birth, what's the bird of birth control?

A swallow.

Birth control in an African Village

The great white doctor comes to an impoverished African village where he sees several young mothers either pregnant or with several small kids in tow, all showing signs of malnourishment. On inquiry through an interpreter, he learned that the chief was a rather amorous character and all the ladies a...

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

A young couple in poverty give birth to identical twins.

After much consideration they decide that the best thing for the baby boys would be to give them up for adoption so that they can have a better shot in life. One boy goes to a Spanish family who name him Juan, the second goes to an Indian family who name him Amal.

18 years pass when the birth...

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A woman was resting in the hospital after giving birth.

As she watched the Doctor and nurses clean up her baby she noticed a look of concern on the doctor's face.

"Is my baby okay doctor?" she asked.

"Well," the doctor replied, "there's nothing wrong per se. Your baby is otherwise healthy. It's just that we've discovered your baby is inters...

If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God...

Did Mary have a little lamb?

A woman starts to scream while giving birth.



"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

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After a hour of labor, a woman gives birth to a beautiful baby boy..

Moments after taking his first breath in the real world, the baby looks at the doctor holding him and asks, "Are you my father?" The doctor responds, "No sweet child, I am not your father."

The doctor hands the baby to his mother. As she gazes into his eyes lovingly, the baby asks, "Are you m...

Alabama has reported more deaths than births for the first time in it's history

Makes sense considering family get togethers have been restricted

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TIL that Kim Kardashian's giant ass has it's own birth certificate, and even has a legal name:

Kanye

After a cow gives birth...

...is she then de-calf-enated?

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Why does Japan have a low obesity rate and a low birth rate?

They don’t like Fat Man and Little Boy

Wife of a r/jokes user gave birth to beautiful twins.

He held the first baby and his eyes watered up, his heart filled with joy witnessing this miracle. He was speechless.


Then the nurse handed him the second baby, he gave the baby one hard look and handing the baby back to the nurse he uttered a single word "Repost"

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A man's wife gave birth while he was on a business trip.

The doctor called and asked, "Did you know you were having quintuplets?"
"I'm not surprised," the man replied, "I've got a dick like a stovepipe!"
"You should probably get it cleaned then," said the doctor, "because they're all black."

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A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

How did the cow feel after giving birth?

Decaffeinated.

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without the kids

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A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all. Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.

Now it’s your turn to speak.

18 pounds at birth

A Scotsman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.
After he hangs up, he orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 18 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 1...

A old man as a pet mongoose who gives birth.

Deciding he can't look after the mongoose and the pup he decides to donate them to the zoo and writes a letter to explain.


Dear zoo,

I would like to donate two ~~mongooses~~ ~~mongeeses~~ ~~mongi~~


.

.

.

Dear zoo,

I would like to donate one mo...

What do Germans use for birth control?

Their sense of humor

A woman was giving birth...

Her husband asked the doctor,"Is there any way I can reduce her pain doc?"

The doctor said,"Well yes,we have a new machine which transfer's the mother's pain to the father.However,it will hurt a lot."

The man says,"Do it doctor."

So the doctor connected the machine to the man an...

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Redneck birth control

So Cletus decided 9 kids was enough since there was no more room on their bed, so off he went to the local vet.

He told the vet he and his cousin were through with having kids, and asked to be snipped. "The way I see it" - said the vet - "You have one of two choices. You can either get a vas...

Birthing Person

If the word 'mother' is replaced by the term 'birthing person', Samuel L. Jackson might as well retire

An 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.

After a year she gave birth in a hospital. The nurse congratulated the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. What's the secret?"...

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Birth

A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their dicks?"

"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"Bu...

Did you hear about the new birth control pill for men?

You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.

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Unlike Jesus, I did not have a virgin birth

It is, however, looking increasing likely that I'll have a virgin death

Irish Birth Control

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan? And didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'A...

I almost got switched at birth in the hospital

But then my mother got caught by the nurse

Why was the husband so worried after his lovely wife gave birth?

The dad jokes hadn't kicked in and the mailman was suddenly a comedian.

A woman gives birth to a boy...

Husband: I know what we should name him.


Wife: What?


Husband: 'Setting a house on fire'


Wife: What? Why?


Husband: Because he is arson.

How did God respond to worldwide declining birth rates?

Sending thots and players.

What's the best form of birth control after 50?

Nudity

Giving Birth, or Getting Kicked in the Nuts!

Which Hurts More?






Obviously it's getting kicked in the nuts.
Why? Well you don't get kicked in the Nuts, wait a year and decide, I'll try that again.

Game-Over on that debate!

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"What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student.

The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-David, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who filled out by Birth Certificate was an asshole."

To all the women who gave birth today…

Happy Labor Day!

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when it comes to birth control

Condoms are 98% effective and the pill is 99%.
How about the birth control experts just figure how to make cum taste like chocolate, everyone wins.

Why do the Amish use birth control?

To stop the spread of Abes.

After a long labourous birth...

... the gynecologist finally holds the baby. Just as he is about to give it to the mom, he drops it on the floor.

The mother cries out in distress, and the doctor goes: "April's fools! It was already dead!"

A great scientist invents a machine to split the pain of birth between a couple...

He finds a couple who just went into labour, and asks them if he can use the machine on them, as a test.

The couple agrees, and the husband says "We can split it 50 - 50, its only fair". So the scientist turns the machine up to 50%, just as the baby begins coming out, and the women starts gro...

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A woman was about to give birth

Nurse: Do you want your husband to be in the delivery room?

Woman: Unfortunately, I don't have a husband.

N: Maybe your boyfriend?

W: Nope, I don't have that either.

N: Erm, maybe the person who was involved in this?

W: I'm sorry but I am with no one and will be al...

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

Somewhere in the world, a woman is giving birth every three seconds...

We've got to find that woman and stop her!!!!!!!

My friend once told me, "Your wife and daughter look like twins!"

I replied, " Yeah well, they were separated at birth"

My computer gave birth today

Now I need to buy a baby monitor

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Redneck birth control

A man and a woman from Alabama don't want any more children because they already have 11. So the husband goes to a doctor in Ohio.

The doctor asks, "What state are you from?

The man says "Alabama." The doctor tells him to go home, put a lit cherry bomb in an empty soda can, hold it in...

At the Birth

"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician. "Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't get along."

A woman has twin boys and gives them up for adoption.

The first goes to a family in Egypt, which names him Ahmal.

The second goes to a family in Spain, which names him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Excited at receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a pictur...

what do you call a cow that's recently given birth?

Decaffinated

How do mermaids give birth?

A sea section.

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Jamaican are waiting in the maternity ward whilst their partners gave birth.

The midwife comes out and says that all the babies have been born healthy and mothers are doing fine but there’s been a mix-up and they aren’t sure which baby belongs to whom.
The Englishman rushes in and picks up the black baby and starts walking out. The others stop him and ask him what the hel...

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the joke I'll go to hell for

A woman is giving birth. She pushes and pushes and finally the baby pops free. The doctor holds the baby up by its feet and declares, "it's a handsome baby boy!"

He then punches it in the head, throws it against the wall and runs over and jumps on it with both feet.

The horrified moth...

Underwater Birth

My wife and I decided to have an underwater child birth. The Dr. said birth in a pool would be less traumatic for the baby.

In hindsight, I don't think we would do it again. It seemed very chaotic as everyone was screaming, pushing, and splashing water as they tried to get out of the pool.

Birth rates in Alabama have declined due to COVID19...

... restrictions prohibiting family gatherings.

It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby.

Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.

I had a friend who was assigned male at birth, but fully transitioned to female later in life…

I know people will argue about how courageous that was,
But I know that surgery took balls.

A pregnant woman afraid of giving birth asks her doctor for a solution

Long but one my dad told me 10+ years ago.

A woman and her husband go and talk to their doctor about her fears of child birth. She says she is far too afraid of the pain and worries that she will not be able to endure it, she asks the doctor if there is anything at all that might lower the p...

A Chinese couple gave birth to an albino baby

...which just goes to show that two Wongs do make a white.

The birthing wing at the hospital

should really be called the emerge-ncy room

Frank and his wife, Linda, were at the hospital, where Linda was giving birth to their first baby.

The midwife had hooked Linda up to a machine. "This high-tech gizmo is designed to transfer a birthing mother's pains to the father of the baby," she explained. "But there's a bug in the machine. The pain that is transferred from the mother to the father will be multiplied by 10."

"I'm willin...

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My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control ....

we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.

A cat gives birth in a public park...

...and is fined $50 for littering.

How does a male seahorse give birth?

with a Sea-section.

Birth control...

Is a condom missed conception.

My favorite form of birth control is a condom inside a condom inside a condom...

Contraception

A woman is giving birth on a boat

The baby comes out, but a sudden wave causes the boat to rock and the child is sent tumbling overboard into the ocean. The parents are horrified, until they see that the child is miraculously floating in the water, completely unharmed.

It’s a buoy.

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Eden garden (Translate from my birth language)

3 friends died in a car accident and arrived at the gate. St-Peter is there to greet them.
He told them, that to cross the gate, they all have to pick up a fruit or a vegetable in the eden garden.
The first one arrive with a carrot. St-Peter told him that to enter heaven, he must put the ent...

My father was born with a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

I have an uncle, once removed.

The pot that gave birth

Edit: this joke is from the famous turkish humorous character Nasreddin Hoca. Hope you like.

One day Nasreddin borrows a cooking pot from his neighbor and while returning he puts a smaller pot inside it.

When the neighbor asks what that means, he replies “The pot gave birth and deliver...

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

A woman falls into a coma while giving birth

When she wakes up a few days later, the doctor greets her with some news."Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the responsibility of naming your children."What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!" "Your daughter ...

Some say child birth is the most painful event one can experience.

Maybe because I was too young to remember, but I don’t think it hurt too much.

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Three couples rush to the hospital to give birth.

Three couples rush to the hospital to give birth, an English couple, and Irish couple and an Asian couple. All three wives give birth to boys within minuets of each other and the fathers congratulate one another. But while the nurse are weighing the babies, they get them mixed up and have no idea wh...

I got evicted from the womb at birth

I guess that makes sense because I wasn’t paying rent

A newlywed couple goes to the hospital to give birth to their baby.

When they arrive, the doctor says that he invented a machine to transfer part of the labor pain of the mother to the father of the baby. He then asks if they agree.
The couple accepts gladly the procedure.
The doctor puts the machine at 10% for starting, explaining that even the 10% it's p...

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

Birthing theories

3 guys were in a waiting room, their wives in labour.

The first man gets called in. He comes out later and tells the others that it was a boy. He laughs and says "geez I think I got a boy because I was on top at that magic moment".

The second man gets called in, and sometime later, he...

Jesus was wandering the desert, when he met an old man.

"What brings you to the desert?" asked Jesus.

"I'm looking for my son. I lost him many years ago."

"How did you lose him? What happened?"

"I had one son- not by birth, by a heavenly miracle. He had tremendous struggles with temptation. At one point, he even died, and came back ...

A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy...

(Sorry if repost, I did a search)

A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy and the doctor hands him to her, remarking, "That's a cute baby!"

Mom says, "Oh I bet you say that about every baby you deliver."

Doctor says, "No no, only when they're really cute."

"What do you...

A man's wife is close to giving birth but he has to go away on business.

He asks his brother to look after his wife. A couple days into the trip and his brother calls from the hospital.

"I have good news and bad news. Good news is you have perfectly healthy twins! A boy and a girl! The bad news is they had to put your wife under for the birth. She's fine, but the...

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There was a tragic birth defect that affected a young couples' first born child.

The doctor looked at the new parents and said. "Your baby is healthy, but he was born without eyelids. The parents were shocked and the new mother started to weep.

"Is there anything that can be done to fix this?" She asked, choking on her tears.

The doctor thought a moment when an ...

Russian, Ukrainian and Ethiopian babies got mixed up at birth.

The doctors invited their fathers so they could try to figure out which baby belongs to whom. Ukrainian father without any hesitation just takes an Ethiopian child and is about to leave the room.

"You idiot! Can't you see, this is obviously not your child!" - shouts Russian father

"Wh...

I just came up with this one, and I feel embarrassed, but... Researchers have found a personality trait common to all people missing a limb from birth, but NOT among amputees.

.. they're all stubborn.

Old joke, modern twist: a man is out of town when his wife goes into labor...

The man calls up his brother to assist with the birth, who readily agrees. The hospital is a bit out of date, a bit out of the way, and the brother works almost as hard maintaining his internet connection as he does assisting with the birth. Eventually, the wife successfully delivered twins, a boy a...

-My wife read the book "Twins" and she gave birth to twins

\-Mine read the book "Three little girls" and she gave birth to triplets

\-Oh my god! I left my wife reading "Ali baba and the forty thieves"

Chuck Norris...

...built a hospital so his mother could give birth to him.

If you help a cow give birth...

Did you decalfeinate it?

What did the stubborn eggs say to the birth control?

"You cant de-fetus!"

A Scandinavian woman get to the hospital to give birth

A Scandinavian woman get to the hospital to give birth. When time come the doctor tell the woman: now push! But since Scandinavian women are strong and built, the baby shoot past the doctor onto the wall an smash to death.

Next year the woman come back to give birth and this time they are pre...

My girlfriend told me she was on birth control but it wasn’t true.

Turns out she’s dyslexic and got a DUI.

A woman has just given birth to her child.

The doctor holds the newborn child at both feet, upside down, then slams it three times on the wall. The mother is shocked! The doctor consoles: «April fools! Was already dead!»

A woman gives birth to her first child and is laying in bed waiting for some test results to come back.

Eventually after a lengthy wait the doctor arrives and says:

“Ma’am, I have good news and bad news, which would you like first?”

Startled, she exclaims to get the bad news out of the way first.

“Well ma’am, the bad news is that your child is a ginger.”

Relieved that this ...

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A Jewish woman is talking to her doctor after giving birth.

"We have a strange situation here," the doctor states. "Your son was born without eyelids. But there's an experimental procedure we can try. After the circumcision, we can take the leftover skin, and make him a new set of eyelids."

"Won't that make him cockeyed?"

"Sure, but think of th...

A fisherman’s wife gives birth to a healthy set of twins.

After some time, they notice that one boy always faces toward the ocean and the other always faces away. Even if the parents were to turn them, they would always reposition themselves. So the name the boys “Toward” and “Away” respectively. On the twins’ tenth birthday, the fisherman takes them on a ...

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My dog gave birth to a very rude little puppy.

He's been a son of a bitch since the day he was born.

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven

When an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him ve...

My doctor says I can’t get birth control

It’s been a real pain in the ass

What happens after your phone battery gives birth?

It delivers its percenta.

What do you call reverse birth?

A push in the right direction

What method is used to give birth to baby pirate?

Sea-section.... Arrrrrgh

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NSFW Birth control honey at a farmers market

Vendor standing around trying to move his honey at a farmers market. Another salesman walks by and offers his assistance to the Farmer. Farmer decides to let the salesman do his thing.

Salesman starts yelling: "WE GOT REAL HONEY! ALL NATURAL, FRESH AND ITS A BIRTH CONTROL, YOU ARE GURANTEED N...

I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday

and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.

I always felt proud when my mum told people that of all her kids, I was her easiest pregnancy and birth.

Then I turned 21 and found out that I was adopted.

A woman gets accidentally pregnant as a teenager and ends up giving birth to twin boys...

Unfortunately, she is forced to give them up for adoption since she doesn't have the resources to support them, and the father wants nothing to do with them since he is a teenager himself. In the hope that she will get to see them some day, she leaves her personal information with the adoption agenc...

A woman is giving birth.

A doctor is delivering a baby. He's telling the mother to push.

"Push!! Push!! I can see the head!"

The mother is straining to get the baby out with all she's got. The baby starts to come out and the doctor continues to yell her her to push.

The baby finally comes out into the d...

A lady is giving birth. After she pushes and pushes,

the baby is born.
Doctor: "Mam, I have good news and bad news.
Lady: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: your baby has red hair.
Lady: Thank goodness! What's the good news!
Doctor: It's stillborn

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