This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why does Japan have low birth and obesity rates?

Coz the last time they saw a fat man and a little boy 200,000 people died.

How warm is a baby at birth?

Womb temperature.

After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I grinned and said, "Yes, Steve!" She gushed, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"

"Thanks." I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby?"

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I was given a choice at birth I could either have a large penis or a good memory

I don’t remember which one I picked

A woman starts to scream while giving birth.

​

"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth.

The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he ...

A cow gives birth to 4 cavles, and one day her oldest comes up and asks "Mother, why was I names 'Lotus'

The mother replies saying "Because when you were born, a lotus petal fell on your head". The next day, the mothers second oldest came up and asked why they were called Rose, and the mother replies "Because a rose petal fell on your head when you were born". Her third child asked why they were named ...

What did one fire tell to her husband, after their son's birth?

Honey... This is Arson.

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I replied, "Yes just once."

The doctor asked, "What was it like?"

I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD

A trip without the kids.

People tell me I don’t have a sense of humor. It’s not my fault. I was born with a serious birth defect.

I was born without a humerus.

Somewhere in the world there us a lady giving birth every 1.5 seconds.

We've got to find this lady and stop her!

Pull out and pray isn't just my preferred method of birth control

It's also how i use my debit card

What’s the Pokemon Sableye’s birth sign?

Gem-in-eye

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”

He winked at me and said, “I’m off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park.”

Birth is alot like piloting a plane

Sometimes you gotta abort

My wife gave birth to a pair of twin and named the first boy Pete and first girl Kate

I named the second one Repeat and Duplikate

With the announcement that gel is being used by men as a form of birth control has many women upset

It must be a tough pill for them to swallow

2 onions fall in love and mate, they give birth to a beautiful son!

One day, they leave the front door open on accident and the young onion rolls out into the world.

While crossing the street, the poor onion child gets flattened in the road...

He is then rushed to the hospital, the father rolling around in the hall, extremely anxious to hear any news.<...

Congratulations to the woman who gave birth to the kid named Envelope.

Hopefully, she keeps us posted.

John F. Kenndy's birth name was John Kennedy

The f was added to pay respect

The Mirth of Birth

A woman in labor is wheeled into the hospital delivery room. She pushes, feels the contractions, huffs and puffs, and gives birth to a perfect baby - made of wood! The shocked doctor stammers, "Madam - you have just given birth to a baby made of wood!" And the woman replies: "Relax doctor - you...

If a stork is the bird of birth, what’s the bird of birth control?

A swallow

My wife just gave birth

And now my best friend is acting like the king of dad jokes.

My favorite form of birth control is a condom inside a condom inside a condom...

Contraception

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They say not having sex is the best form of birth control

Well i've tried it and my wife still had a baby...

Questioner: Can you explain the birth of Jesus Christ from scientific point of view?

Me: OK, I’m not sure why it falls on me to be the one to tell you this, but I’m up for it, I guess. You see, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…

Questioner: No, no, no!

Me: What?

Questioner: I don’t want an explanation of where *babies* comes from. I want an expl...

A young woman is at her doctor's appointment when the doctor says, "Ma'am, I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant."

The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be..." She pauses for a
moment. "...Kid-in-me."

After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies
"Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"

The woman says "It was totally birth it."

What is another name for a birth day?

Labour day!

A woman gives birth to twins. She gives them both up for adoption.

One goes to Egypt, they name him "Amal". The other goes to Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she had a picture of her other son. To which the husband replied "Why? They are twins. If y...

they say that antibiotics prevent birth control from working

I don't know, I've taken antibiotics before and my personality still did its usual job

A single mother wakes up from a coma after giving birth to twins...

She asks the doctor "Where are my babies? I want to see my babies!"

The doctor says "Not to worry, your babies are safe and at home with your brother. You had two healthy babies, one boy, and one girl, but unfortunately I do have some bad news."

Immediately thinking the worst, the moth...

A woman was about to give birth at a hospital.

Her husband couldn't make it, but her two idiot brothers showed up to comfort her. The woman passed out right after giving birth to a boy and a girl. When she woke up, she saw her two children laying right next to her.

She told the doctor, "I'm ready to name my two children now."

The d...

Which mammal is known to spend most of it's life in air but gives birth on land?

Student : Air Hostess

How do you know a pregnant eskimo is going to give birth

Her water cracks

Checking out the birth facility

My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new birth facility that was more like a spa. The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music, and candlelight.

"What do you think?" she said

He looked around. "Isn't this how we got here in the first place?"

What's harder than giving birth?

Apparantly remembering the four o's in r/woooosh

I once spoke to a midwife about the miracle of birth

She said "Have you ever witnessed something as majestic as a human birth? It's wonderful!"


I said "I was at a birth once"


"Oh? How was it?" she quizzed me.


I said "first it was very very black, then all of a sudden very light"

I’m super excited for the birth of my daughter. 7lbs5oz.

My wife isn’t too excited about this new name though.

45 year old me: "Doctor, I have post birth depression." Doctor: "But you haven't birthed."

Me: "But I was born"

You never hear any mention of who cut the cord at Jesus' birth.

It must have been unbiblical.

A woman who is a month pregnant falls into a deep coma. Three months after giving birth, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby...

&#x200B;

Doctor: Well, I have good news and bad news for you. Which would you like to hear first?

Woman: Of course, the good news.

Doctor: You had twins, both girls, and they’re both fine. Luckily, your brother was here to name them.

Woman: Oh, that drummer... What di...

What should the name of the first male birth control gel be?

Sonblock.

One of my best friends gave birth in a car, on the way to the hospital

His dad named him Carson.

A newlywed couple goes to the hospital to give birth to their baby.

When they arrive, the doctor says that he invented a machine to transfer part of the labor pain of the mother to the father of the baby. He then asks if they agree.
The couple accepts gladly the procedure.
The doctor puts the machine at 10% for starting, explaining that even the 10% it's p...

My mother gave birth to me on the stairs

Well, I guess she’s really my stepmother

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Paddy's wife gave birth to triplets, Paddy says how did this happen?, wife replied, you remember that night I was so dry and we tried the lubricant (3 in 1)?, well that is when it happened, Paddy breathes a sigh of relief.

Thank fuck we didn't use WD40.

What’s the hardest part of giving birth to a shampoo bottle?

Head and shoulders

What do you call it when an obese lady gives birth?

A birthquake

A woman once gave birth to 100 children

To avoid confusion, she simply named them after the number of their conception. Unfortunately all of them except for #90 died at a very young age.

90 was a little girl who grew up to be a great woman. She married at a young age and gave birth to two children, a daughter and a son. Unlike her ...

What was the first thing the farmers daughter said after watching a sheep give birth for the first time?

Ewe

A man is overjoyed to find out that his wife has given birth to a baby girl, their second child.

Before entering the hospital room, the man gives his son a pep talk. "Son, before we go to see your baby sister, I have to inform you that she was born without ears. Please be nice, and don't mention anything to your mother."

"Ok", the son replied. Immediately upon entering the room, the son ...

If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God.....

Does that mean Mary have a little lamb?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do birth control and brothels have in common?

They're both full of "whore-moans".

When my wife gave birth to twins, she went into a coma.

Upon waking up, she heard that her stupid brother named them.
Hearing the girl's name, Denise, she thought it wasn't gonna be so bad.
Then she heard the boy's name.
"DeNephew"

Did you hear about the new male birth control pill?

You take it the next day....it changes your blood type.

How do you make jokes about giving birth funny?

It's all in the delivery

We call the offices to register Births, Marriages and Death's in our town....

Hatch em, Match em and Dispatch em.

A woman was forced to give up her twins at birth

One of the boys goes to a family in Mexico and is named Juan. The other boy goes to a family in Africa, and is named Jamal.

Years later after the boys are grown her and her husband end up getting in contact with them. The couple is ecstatic! After a few letters have been exchanged the woman ...

So a comedian's wife is giving birth, So he starts telling jokes to lighten the mood,

This goes on for a while, and all the nurses start to relax,

Then the doctor says, "I don't know about that, but your delivery was a bit forced"

Upon leaving the hospital after the birth of my son, a nurse in the elevator commented on him sucking on his mother’s finger, saying “he’s quite the little sucker.”

I responded “There’s one born every minute.” And that, my friends, was my very first Dad joke.

A woman was giving birth and the husband was away on a work trip, so she had her brother to accompany her.

She passed out whilst giving birth and when she woke up she was very worried. In her hospital the first thing they do after a baby is born is to name them. Her brother wasn't the smartest person in the room and she was understandably worried.

'Congrats mam you had twins, a boy and a girl!',...

My boss came into the office and poured us all shots to celebrate the birth of his daughter. I asked why the liquor had little bits of gold floating around in it, and he explained it was Goldschläger

Weird flecks, but ok.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lady gives birth to twins

Once upon a time, a lady was pregnant with twin boys. She said to her husband “Whatever I say when they come out will be their names.” He agreed. The first one came out and she said “Jesus Christ!” So, oddly enough, that was his name. The second one came out and she said “Motherfucker!” So, his name...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Researchers have developed a groundbreaking new birth control gel for men

How it works is the man applies the gel for about two minutes and then realizes he no longer needs sex.

Why couldn’t Mary and Joseph find a Hotel during Jesus’ birth?

It’s always so busy around Christmas time

My wife likes to use the fact that she gave birth to our 3 children to garner sympathy points...

I tell her that they came out of me before they came out of her.

When my wife told me she was giving birth

I said, "Ha! You must be kidding!"

She sighed and said, "Can we please just call it giving birth?"

My girlfriend giving birth to our child has taught me many things.

Like how expensive plane tickets are.

Wolverine, Nightcrawler and Cyclops heard of the birth of Jesus and decided to pay him a visit

They had travelled many miles following a star, until they came to Bethlehem.

Finally, the found the stable wherein the tiny baby lay in a manger, watched over by his mother Mary.

They knelt before the babe and asked of his mother, "May we worship the holy child?"

Sadly she s...

The wife of an Asian Couple gave birth to a Caucasian child, and her husband knew she had been cheating...

...Afterall, two Wongs don't make a white.

My mom stopped making jokes after my birth.

She decided to quit at her peak.

What do you call a cow who has just given birth?

De-calf-inated

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

TIL that Kim Kardashian's giant ass has it's own birth certificate, and even has a legal name:

Kanye

My wife gave birth the other day.

Turns out birth control doesn't stop a girl from getting pregnant, it just changes the color of the baby.

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man sits anxiously in the waiting room of a hospital while his wife is giving birth.

After a while, the doctor walks in with a big smile on his face, holding the baby. He suddenly trips, dropping the baby. He then proceeds to kick it a few times, grabs it by the arm and smashes its head on the wall. He finally rolls the remains into a tiny balls and slam dunks it into the waste bask...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did Chuck Norris’ aunt give birth to him?

Because nobody dared fuck his mother

An expecting father paces nervously up and down the waiting room.

"First child?" Asks another father

"No" replies the Man

"Well then why are you so anxious?"

"Well, when my wife read 'A tale of two cities', she had twins. When she read 'The three musketeers' she had triplets."

"That's amazing." says the second Man

"Yes" replies t...

Three Squaws Were Each Preparing For The Birth Of Their First Child.

Three squaws were each preparing for the birth of their first child. The
first squaw placed a large bear hide by a river, the second squaw placed
an elk hide by a tree by a river, and the third squaw placed a
hippopotamus hide by a path, near the river and the tree so that the
three form...

What does a mama bear on birth control have in common with the world series?

No cubs

What do you call people whose birth control method is pulling out?

Parents

A woman gives birth to a genie

Genie says: I am your wish giving child and I grant you 3 wishes, what is your first wish

Woman says: You better give me more than three or you going to wish you never been born

Did you hear about the two identical bikes separated at birth?

They were long lost schwinns.

Birth Control

A doctor who had been seeing a 70-year-old grandmother for most of her life finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized
she ha...

A mum and a dad give birth to a child.

He was a perfectly healthy baby boy but there was a small catch. He was just a head. So the parents though ok that weird but raised him and loved him none the less. They had to carry him around and feed him. Then on his eighteenth birthday his dad took him for his first legal pint. The dad lifted up...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A college girl once had a very active sex life...

She especially loved hooking up with frat boys and men who had been sentenced to prison. Those were kind of her fetishes, and she didn't know why. She didn't really like to use condoms, though, which was very dumb of her, and she knew that, but she thought it felt so much better without one. Also, s...

Wife of a r/jokes user gave birth to beautiful twins.

He held the first baby and his eyes watered up, his heart filled with joy witnessing this miracle. He was speechless.


Then the nurse handed him the second baby, he gave the baby one hard look and handing the baby back to the nurse he uttered a single word "Repost"

The newest form of birth control is putting a rock in one shoe...

...It makes you limp.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband and wife gave birth to two beautiful twin boys

They were named Jesse and James. The boys grew up very successful in school and sports. They both participated in Boxing, track and hockey. They were also straight A students. One day while rough housing Jesse caught James with a left hook to the eye. This left a long cut under James’ eyes that heal...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pregnant mother gave birth to twins.

Even though each had one boob for milk, they discovered that they weren't getting enough. And both of them got jealous, blaming each other for the low supply. And so each one bought poisons secretly.

So then, both of them decided to apply the poison on the nipple that wasn't for them. Each wa...

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