This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”

The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. <...

The wife and I decided we don't want children.

We're telling them tomorrow.

Sorry, my 4y old brother wanted me to tell this joke here

Him: Knock, knock

Me: Who's there?

Him: Idiot

Me: Idiot who?

Him: IDIOT YOU!!

He probably doesn't understand downvotes so I will have no Karma left after this

EDIT: Wow! So many people upvoted this and I even got Silver! I'll tell my brother the Internet lov...

If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up...

He should have hired her!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing

And it’s discussing fucking.

Three old spinsters die and go to heaven and at the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter. He says: “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”

The first spinster says: “I want to be Sophia Loren.”

With a bang, she’s gone.

The second says: “I want to be Madonna.”

She also disappears immediately.

The third says: “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”

St Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.

“Sara Pipalini,” ...

My kids tell me that they want a cat for Chrismas this year.

We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"


Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

...

My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him.

So I suggested Kaye and Elle.

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

.
.
.
.

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.

But you've probably never heard of herbivore.

If you want to hear a joke about construction...

...come back later. I'm still working on it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me if I want a handjob or regular sex

I : handjob definitely .

She(*surprised*) : why is that?

I : because one in the hand is worth two in the bush

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Frustrated by a world of moral decay, a man decided that he wanted a pure, innocent woman for his wife.

So he went to church in the hope of finding someone who had not been corrupted by modern society. After two weeks, he met a charming girl and took her back to his place for the ultimate test. Whipping out his manhood, he asked her: ‘What’s this?’

‘A cock,’ she replied.

Disappointed by ...

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A girl told me she wanted to be "just friends".

I said "Can we be friends with benefits?".

She said "So, you just want sex?".

I said "No, I want you to add me on your health insurance.".

What do we want? FREE HEARING AIDS!!

When do we want them?? FREE HEARING AIDS!!

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home all the signs were there.

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside”

A blind blond guy walks into a bar and yells out, "Hey! Do you all want to hear a dumb blonde joke?"

One of the patrons takes the guy aside and says, "Look, buddy. The bartender is blond. The 400-pound wrestler sitting near the window is blond. The armed police officer sitting at the bar is blond. The lawyer sitting at the back of the bar close to the washrooms is blond. The martial arts guy sittin...

Why don’t you want to have a pillow fight with Death?

Because of the reaper cushions.

“Doc, all my 5 kids want to be valets when they grow up!”

Doctor: WOW! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

Why does Batman wear dark colors? Thats easy, Batman doesent want to get shot. Why does Robin wear bright colors?

Thats easy...


Batman doesent want to get shot.

A blonde walks into a shop and wants a pair of alligator boots.

The shopkeeper tells her they do not sell expensive items to blondes.

After becoming very frustrated with the shopkeepers attitude the blonde declares. FINE ILL JUST GO CATCH AN ALLIGATOR AND GET MY OWN BOOTS!

The shopkeeper replied why don't you just try young lady with a smirk.
...

What's something you don't want to feel during a prostate exam?

The doctor putting his hands on your shoulders.

Dentist: "You have three cavities. Do you want to have them all filled today?"

"Woah woah, we just met, let's start with fixing my teeth, then we'll see about that"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said she wants to have sex in the back seat of the car...

And she wants me to drive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a mute girl if she wants to have sex with me. Told her to clap once for "yes", twice for "no".

She said yes yes!

A girl goes to a psychiatrist and complains, “I don’t want to marry, I am educated, independent and self sufficient. I don’t need a husband but my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”

Psychiatrist: “You, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But sometimes you will not go in the way you want. Sometimes you will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plan won’t work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled. Then whom will you blame? Will you blame yourself?”...

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery.

To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]

Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted.

So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each.

When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and ...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie. She asked, “What would you like to see?”

I said, “You pick.”

She said, “You pick.”

I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”

She said, “Sir, there are people behind you waiting to buy tickets.”

Wanted: a man has been stealing the wheels off of police cars

Officers are working tirelessly to catch him.

A blonde wants to travel abroad.

She parks her car in front of a bank near the airport and gets out with her trolleys. She then enters the bank and walks to the next teller.

Blonde: Hello, I want to get a loan for $1000,-

Teller: Very well. But I need a credit security in order to grant you that loan.

Blonde: ...

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to do 34.5

She asked "what's that?"

I said "it's like 69 but you do all the work"

Dear men, when your girlfriend suggest which of her friends you want to be included in a threesome..

You are supposed to tell one name , not two..

Trust me, I'm speaking from experience...

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep.

Not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Our son want a puppy for Christmas

We usually have turkey, but if that can make him happy...

What do you call it when someone isn’t sure they want to make plans to visit an Indian Casio?

A reservation reservation reservation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church

The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.

You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.

" The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?...

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....

She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings" so I got her nothing

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One day the Emperor decided he wanted to find the best samurai in the world.

So he sent his men around the world, and they came back with three potential options: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor held tryouts to see which was best. First, he brought in the Japanese samurai. As the Japanese samurai strode into the great Hall and a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is on the bus and sees a beautiful nun.

Wanting to bang her, he walks up to her and says “wanna bang?“ To which the nun replies “hell no“ and proceeded to get off the bus. Distraught, the man ask the bus driver what to do. The bus driver replied, “well every night she goes to the cemetery and prays, So if you go dressed as God and tell he...

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while she was there she went out to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. 

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back...

Want to hear a dirty joke?

Johnny played in the mud.

Want to hear a clean joke?

Johnny took a bath with bubbles.

Want to hear a dirty joke?

Bubbles was a girl.

A blind man went to a restaurant.

menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and...

Want to hear a joke about scissors?

Never mind, that joke just didn’t make the cut.

My husband and I decided that we didn't want to have kids

We'll be telling them tonight

Want to hear a joke about dead batteries?

There’s no charge.

I always wanted to be a lumber artisan

Everything about it seemed so appealing, the beauty of creating uniquely carved furniture, the wide variety and color to create from, even the manliness aspect from it. My parents were always against it and insisted I do something that was more reliable and practical. I started to realize they were ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse wants to start a band

A horse wants to start a band. However, he can’t sing; So he goes to a vet.



He asks the vet, “Can you give me vocal cords so I can sing?” The vet agrees and gives the horse vocal cords.

A chicken sees this and wants to join the band, so he asks the vet, “can you give me lips so...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you want to figure out how to solve problems without violence,

wait until a mosquito lands on your testicle.

I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want kids.

But when I got home they were still there.

My Girlfriend has been hinting that she wants a ring for Christmas

I can't wait to see the look on her face when she opens up her new video doorbell!

I wanted to start a procrastinator club

But I've decided to wait

I don’t want to sound racist....

...but everyone in the KKK looks the same to me.

Wife: Honey I want to have a kid...

Husband: Uh oh... I had a vasectomy

W: I guess I’m leaving you then.

H: (desperately) but wait! Maybe if we try really hard and really often, we could still have kids!

W: you can try all you want, but it's not going to make a vas deferens.

One day, a lady named Anne wanted to change her name...

One day, a lady named Anne decided she was bored of her name and wanted to change it to Penny-Anne. That's not what I would choose, I would do something cool like Proffeser Spider Ninja, but that's why I haven't changed my name. Anyway, changing your name can be like $200, and Anne didn't have a lot...

Cashier: do you want cash back?

Me: I mean who wouldn't. There's Ring of Fire, I Walk The Line. Let's not forget his Christmas album

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So in school we learned about how you don't give tea to people who don't want tea or are unable to drink it and tea stood in for sex

So what the hell was the Boston Tea Party?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stacy really wants to become a man.

But she doesn't have the balls to do it

My wife and I decided we don’t want children

We’ll be telling them tonight wish us luck!

Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news? Patient: Good news please

Doctor: A disease is going to be named after you

I want my dentist to know he's appreciated..

So every year I give him a little plaque.

Say what you want about necromancy.

I still believe it's a great way to raise a family

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money.

“How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.

"They range from $2 to $2,000."

"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.

The salesman put a large device around the
man's neck, and said: "You just stick this red tube in your ear and run this cable down into your pocket." ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I didn’t want to lose my virginity to someone else

So i took it into my own hands

Bro, you want this pamphlet?

Brochure

I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000...

I can’t stand it!

When I was younger I wanted to be a film developer

But then I realized I didn't want to sit in a dark room alone with a bunch of negative people

Ladies, do you want longer lashes?

Show a little skin in Saudi Arabia!

When Caroline was young, she said she wanted to be a comedian and everybody laughed at her.

Well, no one is laughing now.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

An inmate went to see the prison doctor and was dismayed to be told that he needed to have one of his kidneys removed. “Look,” said the prisoner, “you’ve already removed my tonsils, my adenoids, my spleen and my gallbladder, and now you want my kidney?

I only came to you in the first place to see if you could get me out of here.


The doctor was unruffled “And that’s exactly what I’m doing,” he answered, “bit by bit.

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An old Italian gentleman wanted to plant his annual tomato garden. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son:

"Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa."...

I used to want to be a mortician,

but I decided not to when I got some grave advice it was a dying industry.

The Spice Girls want to remind you to set your clocks back an hour tonight.

Because tonight is the night, when two becomes one.

I, someday, want to make an edgy football joke on this sub.

It's my goal post.

I want to weigh the pros and cons of becoming a veterinarian,

On one hand you get bitten a lot
And on the other hand you get bitten less.


This is my first joke submission, I do like a good groaner.

When I die, I want my remains scattered around Disneyland

Also, I don't want to be cremated

So my girlfriend said she wanted to break up with me because I had no sense of direction.

So I packed my things and right.

The Frog Who Wanted A Loan

“A frog came into a bank to obtain a loan. He spoke to the loan officer Mr. Paddywack. When Mr. Paddywack asked the frog what he had for loan collateral, the frog held out his hand. "What's that?" asked Mr. Paddywack, but the frog could not talk. So, Mr. Paddywack took the frog in to see the manager...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you want to hear the one about the prostitute?

Eh, probably not, it's whorible

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her…

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees.

"What's the second condition?"

"You mus...

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A man doesn't feel well and wants to call-in sick to work...

So he phones his boss and explains that he wants to take a sick day.

"Well," says the boss, "when I'm feeling under the weather I just ask my wife to give me a blowjob. Usually perks me right up! Why don't you try that?"

"Ok, I guess it's worth a shot" says the man.

About an hou...

The best advice my mom ever gave me: “if you want something done right, do it yourself....

unless you’re Jeffery Epstein.”

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

I ran across some douchbag millennial in the store running his mouth, calling me a boomer and blaming me for ruining the world. Then he acted like he wanted to fight me.

I said "That's pretty big talk for a guy with no health insurance."

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher wants to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from sch...

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What do we want? A cure for Tourette's. When do we want it?

Cunt

My friend said he wanted to be a sugar daddy in the future.

I told him, "Boy, with how broke you are, you'd be a splenda stepfather."

I want to make a Zelda pun...

But I don’t want to tri and force it

I always wanted to be Luigi

But wa is me.

"Hey guys, who wants to hear a blonde joke?", says a blind man after settling himself down on a stool in a bar. The question was met with dead silence.

After a few seconds pause, the bartender walks up to the blind fella and puts his face right up to his nose and says, in a deep menacing voice:

"I'm blond, and I don't appreciate blonde jokes. My wife is right next to me, she's blonde and she doesn't appreciate blonde jokes either. And best o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woman : My husband wants intense sex all day

Woman : My husband wants intense sex all day , what can i give him ?

Therapist : my number

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.

As I walked out the front door, she screamed,
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

At the store, the cashier asks, “Do you want the milk in the bag?”

“I think it’s fine in the jug”

No-one ever wants to work on the can crushing machine

It's just soda pressing.

So one guy say to the other guy "hey dude, do you want a pamphlet?"

The other guy says "brochure"

My wife just found out she's adopted. She is devastated and kept asking "why didn't they want me?". I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked me to make love to her, which led to more tears.

On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting "who is your daddy" was a little insensitive..

I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me...

I didn't know whether it was her or the beer talking...

Hallmark movies have formulaic plots, two-dimensional characters, and half the bad guys want to sell some piece of land...

...it’s basically “Scooby-Doo!” for sentimental grown-ups.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy dials his home phone number from work.

A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with ...

Do you know what trilogy people don’t want to see completed?

The World War Trilogy.

What to use if you want to count the amount of meth grams in your body?

Methmatics

I always wanted to be a Stand-Up Comedian...

But I’ve found it’s more enjoyable sitting-down

Do you want me to look into your eyes when you put it in my mouth?

**Officer:** Ma'am, please... just blow into the breathalyzer.

Why did Timmy's dad tell him he wanted to be a woman?

He was trying to be transparent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy is on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire "

and he is doing rather well. He is at the final question for a million pounds with Chris Tarrant (The UK host), he has only one life line left....phone a friend.

The question comes: "Which bird does not make a nest?,:

A) a Sparrow, B) a Swallow, C) a Blackbird or D) a Cuckoo

Pad...

I wanted to tell a deck joke

But screw it, you woodn't be interested

My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.”

Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?”

“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.

“I lo...

Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.

Working in customer service already did that.

My mom wanted me to see the doctor for my mental health

but the couch convinced me not to go

I wanted to tell a joke about soup kitchens.

But it was in poor taste.

Happened IRL We were at the cemetery. Talking about a dead person who got cremated. My dad said: I don't want to hear about you doing this to me!

I answered: You won't...

I want a brain transplant

Change my mind.

I wanted to tell a comminist joke, but it isn't funny...

Unless everyone gets it.

Women don't want men discussing business in the restroom...

...because they're not privy to the discussion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?

In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree

Little Debbie went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them. Mum said, "You should say "No, they only want to look at your knickers.."

Debbie said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!

I've always wanted to be a millionaire just like my dad.

He's always wanted to be a millionaire too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy asks a girl if she wants to hear a joke about his penis. He then says, ”Nevermind, it’s too long.”

The girl asks if he wants to hear a poem about her vagina. She says, ”Nevermind, it's too deep.”

Why did no one in prison want to mess with the mitochondria?

It was the powerhouse of the cells

I told my wife that a girl at work really wanted to have a threesome and that I should see if my wife would be ok with it? After some persuading, and reassuring her that it would strengthen out relationship she said yes, so today we finally did it, and it was amazing!

I cant wait to tell her all about it when she gets home.

I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.

But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to sincerely thank everyone on Reddit for helping me deal with my sarcastic personality disorder

Fuck you

I was in the garden when my 5 year old granddaughter came up to me holding a water pail. She smiled real big and said, “This is for you Grandpa!” I said, “Thanks but what do you want me to do with it sweetie?”

She replied, “Dad said if you kick the bucket we’ll be rich!!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend wants me to dress up as an Eskimo while having sex.

Some might think it's a little weird, but I'm innuit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's keys in the door. "Stay where you are", she said. "He would be so drunk that he would hardly notice".

The husband lurched in the bed and within a few minutes, slept.

A few minutes later the woman, (unsatisfied), asked her lover to continue.

The man was too scared so the woman said, "He is so messed up I'll pull out one of his butt hairs and he won't move a bit". So she did and He did...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men vs gorilla

Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?

Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.'
r&...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.
...

An atheist in hell

An Athiest in hell



An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and th...

You want my impression of a child environmentalist

How dare you

Guy comes to my door and asks if I want to be a Jehovah's Witness

I said, "Hey man I didn't even see the accident"

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