A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the

guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for wha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"



"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terri...

My friend wanted t know how I got all my karma

I replied "piece of cake"

If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up...

He should have just hired her!

I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was to uncommon...

... I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chai...

Today I came out to my parents, and my dad instantly wanted to disown me.

Luckily, his boyfriend talked him out of it

I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he to...

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

Once management wants you fired, you’ll be fired

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn't like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, "I have served you loyally f...

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly ...

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children

If anybody else does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mate, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss...

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big ...

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.

She removes all her clothing and asks : Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says,

Here, iron this!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bro, you really don't want to get into a dick-measuring contest with me. Trust me, you'll lose.

I'm really good at measuring dicks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Patient: So Doctor, you're saying that I can masturbate whenever I want?

Doctor: No Glen, I'm saying that you could have a stroke at any time.

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The guy who wanted to change his name

A guy goes to a registry office to change his name. This is how the conversation goes with the officer:

\- You need to have a convincing reason to change your name, sir.

\- But my name is terrible!

\- Well, what's your name?

\- Johnny Shitface

\- Oh, well, yes that...

As the patient recovers from laser eye surgery, the surgeon comes in asks if they want the good news or the bad news first.

The patient excitedly replies, “I’ll take the good news first.”

The surgeon tells them, “Well, you’re about to get a new dog!”

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:

“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the mi...

I never wanted to believe that my brother was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home, all the signs were there

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

I got fired today because I asked a customer whether they wanted it "raw or well done"

I was informed I should have said "burial or cremation" instead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman calls her local dairy, telling them she wants to order enough milk to take a milk bath...

“You want the milk pasteurized?”

“No, just up to my tits.”

A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states

Solid, liquid and gas

Why is prostitution illegal?

Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them

I wanted to tell a joke about Jonestown

but the punch line is too long.

Person 1:Do you want to hear my Batman impression ?

Person 2: Sure!

Person 1: AARGH NO! Not the Kryptonite!

Person 2: That’s Super Man!

Person 1: Thanks, I’ve been practicing it

I couldn't join the KKK if I wanted to, my bloodline isn't pure enough.

Turns out my parents weren't even related.

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, bu...

Do you want to know why the republicans won't impeach Trump?

Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.

I needed to lose some weight so I went on a 3 month diet plan. I don't want to brag, but...

...I just finished it in 72 hours.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(OC) A devout christian Canadian man is walking down the street when a group of Latino male prostitutes walk up to him and ask if he wants to have a good time...

The Canadian man quickly shooed them away yelling as they went "No way hoes eh"

I want people’s opinions to help me decide something...

I’ve just received an automated phone call saying I’ve won either £250 cash or 2 tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute concert. Should I press 1 for the money or 2 for the show?

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

I need to tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

Nobody wants to listen to White Snake with me

So here I go again on my own.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office

But she belonged to someone else... One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

...."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."


The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it al...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to live my next life backwards

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

Y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you're concerned about your new partner's sexual history, and you don't want to catch genital warts, imagine you're playing chess, not craps.

So don't roll the dice. Check first, and then mate.

When she was a child, Amy Schumer told her class she wanted to be a comedian. Her classmates laughed at her.

Nobody's laughing now...

A Nigerian Governor wants to paint the Government house.

A Nigerian Governor wants to paint the Government house. He calls for quotation....
Chinese guy quoted 3 million.
European guy quoted 7 million.
Nigerian guy quoted 10 million.
The Governor asked the chinese guy.."..
how did u quote 3 million..?"
Chinese guy replied .."1 million ...

69

A Chinese couple has finally made it to their hotel on their wedding night. She says, my love we are finally married. Anything you want tonight, just ask.

He says, how about a 69?

She says, you want beef with broccoli?!?!?!?!

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

Why didn't the cheese want to get sliced?

Because it had greater plans.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found a porn site that wanted me to sign up to a 12 month subscription.

If I could deal with that kind of commitment, I wouldn't be watching porn.

Two Sisters...

One blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They ...

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

Me: I want to be a mirror cleaner when I grow up

Mum: why’s that?

Me: It’s something I can see myself doing

Mum: ...

Take what you want

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,"Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes an...

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants,

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

I guess China finally got what they want

They managed to coronise the world.

Last night my wife asked me if I wanted to dress up as a clown, hide in the drains and scare her

but I didn't really feel like It.

A prisoner called Andrea wants to prove her strength...

So she starts a weightlifting competition and wins! Turns out the powerhouse of the cell is the might of con 'Drea.

I don’t want to go to Chik-fil A

I’d rather go to Fil-A chik

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Anything you want

My wife left for work this morning, and almost immediately I got a call from my next door neighbour telling me to come around quick as she needed my help.

So, I knock on her door, and she opens the door in a robe and immediately drags me into the living room. She then drops the robe to revea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man wants to be a farmer.

He is walking around looking to start his farm. He comes across someone selling roosters. "Excuse me sir, can I purchase one of your roosters?" "Of course!" Replied the seller, "but to let you know, around these parts we call them by their formal name, a cock". The young man buys his rooster, ho...

My long distance girlfriend called me saying she finally wants to meet me in person. I left her this message right before my phone died: “This is very important: I am not a man that normally makes huge commitments, but I think the time is right for us to see each other.”

Unfortunately, my phone died right after “man.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wants to show his devotion to his wife for their 1 year anniversary...

A man wants to show his devotion to his wife for their 1 year anniversary the next day, and gets her name "Wendy", tatooed on his penis. When he comes home that night, he tells Wendy he has a surprise for her. He undresses and shows off his dong to her, but she is confused.

"Why did you get "...

A girl wants to do a sleepover at her friend's house.

Her mom: you'll be sleeping in different rooms right?
Daughter: Mom! I'm 12.
Mother: and I'm 24

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman wants to increase the size of her breasts.

So she goes to see Dr. Johnson who tells her she must do an exercise rhythmically and on a schedule of 10am and 2pm. He instructs her to bend each elbow one at a time and recite "If I do this as I must, I will increase my bust". She does this religiously twice a day for two weeks and sees some impr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Judge, "on what grounds do you want a divorce?"

Husband "my wife is out all night, every night! From bar to bar, almost visits all the bars and pubs in town every fucking day!!"

Judge "You mean to say she's severely Alcoholic and cheats on you everyday?"

Husband "No, She's out looking for Me!!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy really wants to impress his girlfriend.

A guy had met a girl recently and he really liked her, so he would try to impress her on every chance that showed up.

One day, they were at a Rolling Stones concert. The guy excused himself for a moment to go to the bathroom, but made a turn and headed right to the band’s room. In there was M...

Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be good enough at skating, biking, surfing, or running to be chosen to represent a brand like Nike, Red Bull, or Under Armour. Recently the pandemic has allowed me to double down on recreation and hone my craft, and I finally got a sponsor.

Thanks Alcoholics Anonymous!

I let my goats get whatever they want, they are spoiled rotten

I guess you could say I have a bleeting heart

Why didn't the Crow want to go outside?

He didn't want to catch Corvid-19!

(Thanks u/earazahs )

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man met a beautiful and nice lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

A man met a beautiful and nice lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice res...

My wife said she wants to donate her old clothes to the Salvation Army, so starving people can buy and wear them.

I told her that anyone who can fit in her clothes certainly isn't starving.

If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...

....Then Soviet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do farmers browse when they want to masturbate?

Cornhub.

Say what you want about the crucification of Jesus...

...but they absolutely nailed it.

What do they do when they want to have a party in space?

They planet.

Father: "Son, you were adopted.” Son: "What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"

Father: "We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will be here to pick you up in 20 minutes.”

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather...

not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

NSFW The wife wanted to try masochism. "Hurt Me!" she said, as she stripped and lay down on the bed.

The husband said "Okay, You're a terrible cook, and your sister's a better lay"

Do you want to hear a dirty joke?

A boy fell in the mud.


Do you want to hear a clean joke?


The boy went home and took a bath with bubbles.


Do you want to hear a dirty joke?


Bubbles is the name of the girl next door.

My ex gf wanted to embarrass me, and attempted to do so by loudly proclaiming in front of her friends how bad I was in bed.

You should have seen the look on her face when they all disagreed.

A guy asked a beautiful lady sitting next to him 'Nice perfume, which one is it? I want to give it to my wife!'

Lady: 'Don't give her. Some idiot will find an excuse to talk to her!'

I wanted to break up with my girlfriend

So I told her let's just be cousins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to die while having sex.

After attending a funeral I told my wife I wanted to die while having sex.

She told me it would be a quick death.

A wife wants a fancy Porsche for her fiftieth birthday

She drops hints to her husband:

"You know we've had a really good year, heck, good decade, fiscally. For my birthday, I'm really hoping for something sleek, maybe baby blue. Something you can really step on and it'll go from 0 to 200 in like .2 seconds..."

The husband nods knowingly. S...

You want to know how I keep my affairs in order?

In my little black book, alphabetically of course.

I wanted to post a joke about sodium

But Na, people wont get it

Three old friends met at a bar, and one asked the group, “When we die, what do we want to be the final words of our loved ones when they look over our casket?”

“I want them to say that I was a loving and loyal husband and father who always put his family first”, the first friend said.

“Well,” said the second friend, “I want them to say that I was a man who never gave up on my dreams and lived a very fulfilling life.”

“As for me”, said the thi...

Do you want a stable friendship?

Get a horse.

For our upcoming anniversary, my wife wanted something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

Son, when I die, I want you to carry my coffin...

...So you can let me down one last time.

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend asked me to suck on her toes, but I want to suck on her boobies. I told her that I have only one strict rule:

Never accept defeat

Want to hear a Capitalist joke?

better pay me 10$ to hear it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him ...

Sitting at the ER.. I don’t really want to go into details

But the “Dyson Ball Cleaner” is a very misleading product.

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had inde...

A father wanted to do "the talk" with his oldest son

Father: son get of this internet and come have a chat with me

Son: can't it wait am in the middle of something

Father: no come now

Son: fine but make it quick

After 40 minutes talk.....

Son: well if that's everything i will go back to my game

Father: wow i l...

A potato dad is talking to his potato daughters about who they want to marry.

The first daughter says, "Dad, I want to marry a Yukon Gold!" The dad replies "Honey, that's a great idea. Yukon Golds are renowned for their versatility and will make you very happy.

The second daughter says, "Dad, I want to marry a russet." Dad approves of this choice too, since russet pot...

Dad: “For your birthday, do you want a new weight set or a new treadmill? Also, do you want to have a party at the beach or at the park? Or do you just wanna wait and see what we surprise you with?”

Son: “Weight and sea”

Dad: “okay we’ll just surprise you”

I wear a mask. Not because I want to, but because it is considerate of others and helps stop the spread of particulates.

I also wear underwear. Not because I want to, but...

Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did. Johnny's mother wanted Johnny to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Johnny, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to ...

So President Trump wants to abolish the two term limit on the Presidency.

Welcome back President Obama we missed you.

You know how sometimes you want to eat something just because it's there?

So, anyway, I got fired from the gynecologist's today.

If Biden is elected, I'm leaving the country

If Trump is reelected, I'm leaving the country.

This is not a political post. I just want to travel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A princess wanted to get married...

Deep in the German forests, there was a huge castle. It housed the king, his beautiful daughter and some servants. One day, the princess decided that she wanted to get married to a man. When she confronted her father and told him about her decision, he got very displeased and denied her request. Aft...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun decides before she dies she wants to have sex

So she asks a woman for advice, the woman tells her she wants to find a man that has a big dick. The nun says how will I know if a man has a big dick just by looking at him? The woman tells the nun you can tell by the shoe size. The nun searches the city to find the man with the biggest shoes in tow...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Please ignore the English errors. It's my fourth language.

Genie: I see you're short. Would you like to increase your height?

Me: Yes, please! I would give anything to increase my height.

Genie: Alright then, for every inch I increase your height, I'll reduce an inch of your penis. So, by how much do you want to increase your height?

Me...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

A soldier approaches a nun.

"I don't want to be rude, but can I please hide under your dress? I'll explain later." Said the man.

"Go ahead", answered the nun.

Two high ranked army-officers walk up and ask the nun: "have you, by any coincidence, seen a soldier?"

After the officers disappear the soldier lea...

Hey Ernie! Want some ice cream?

Sherbert.

What happens when a dog doesn’t want a child?

He gets an aborktion

How did the matador want his TV?

OLÉd

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old holocaust survivor dies and gets into heaven

He seeks out God and asks him: "Hey God, I've heard this really funny joke on earth. Do you want to hear it?"

God smiles serenly and answers: "Yes, my son, please tell it to me."

The jew grins and says: "How do you get the number of a girl in Auschwitz? You look on her arm!"

God...

My child doesn't want to eat meat. What can I replace it with?

A dog. Dogs love meat.

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

Turns out, identity theft is a crime.

I already have a car, but I want to have a DeLorean as well. …

I would drive my first car every day, and only drive the DeLorean from time to time.

What is something with 8 eyes, 8 legs, and 8 hands?

8 pirates

My little brother told me this joke and I am so proud of him.

Edit: Look, I don't want to be one of those redditors who say 'thank's for the gold kind stranger' every time they get awarded, but after seeing this post rise I get it why they do that. For me, whose posts never g...

I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me...

I didn't know whether it was her or the beer talking...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does soup say when it wants to have sex?

Miso Horny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife wants me to get my coffee at home to save money.

If she really wants me to save money she should give me sex at home.

I want to see if this Irish joke translates

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

As a non-American I just wanted to say I don't think America is filled with idiots.

Yeah, right sub.

A Rabbi Wants to Spread Judaism with the World

A rabbi wants to spread Judaism with the world but isn’t sure where he would like to start. He decides he will spin a globe and randomly place his finger to stop it. He does this and lands in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The rabbi goes on a boat, and sails to the spot he chose. As it turns out, ...

I wanted to improve my physical affection skills, so I went down to the library and took out a book called “How to Hug”...

...You can imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be volume six of the Oxford English Dictionary

They say be the change you want to see in the world...

That's why I don't make an effort anymore, to be less hot

Wife: Get me 5 cans of milk from the store, I want to soak in a milk bath

Husband: Honey, I think one can will be enough before it overflows

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I am thankful every day that I live in Canada.

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...

LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”

“If your name is Michael, please stand up”

Then a couple dudes stand up

And he goes “That concludes the mike check”



stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man decides that he wants to see a bullfight before he dies.

Immediately upon arriving in Spain, the man makes his way to the arena, then cheers along with the crowd as he watches the matador fight the bull. For as much fun as it is, he soon realizes that the travel and the excitement have left him feeling worn out, so he decides to find a nearby restaurant b...

WHAT DO WE WANT?! Low flying airplane noises! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!

Neeeeeeeeeeeooowwwwwwwwwww.

If you really don't want someone to do something, tell them to do it, then scream "YGOLOHCYSP".

Classic reverse psychology.

What do you call a vehicle that just wants to greet people?

A hellocopter

My Mom said the last thing she ever wanted was to be put in a nursing home

So I said fine, this is it, don't ask me for anything else.

Wanted: A man has been stealing toilet seats from all the police precincts.

Currently the police have nothing to go on

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

"What do we want???"

"Increased funding for Alzheimer's research!!!"

"When do we want it???"

"When do we want what???"

Doctor: Do you want a good news or a bad news?

Me: good news!

Doctor: You get to name a disease

Me: ....

A soviet worker wants to surprise his wife for their 10 year anniversary

A poor, soviet worker, who works in a vacuum factory wants to make his wife a present for their 10 year anniversary. He has barely enough money to survive tho, so he hatches a plan:

every day while standing at the production line he steals one vacuum part and brings it home. After a few week...

Little Boy: Daddy I want to be like president Trump when i grow up!

Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The prostitutes operation...

An old prostitute tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses car...

If you want to learn how to draw superheroes start with Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy

He's just a fancy stick figure

Guys I really want to break up with my Jazz musician girlfriend but I can't

The Sax is too good

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 16 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries an...

I wanted to make a post with a joke about musical notes. I first attempted to use Do or Mi, but in the end I went with

a Re post.

A homeless guy asked me for money today

So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.

the government is saying if you survived covid-19 they want your plasma

aint nobody finna take my TV

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapists only want one thing

and it's fucking discussing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave wanted to send a letter to his girlfriend..

So he goes to the nearby market to buy an envelope. Just as he is about to enter the store, a man rushes out the market, furious,yelling and swearing. Dave didn't want to get in the mans way and just lets him pass. He enters the store and finds the cashier, a young lady, crying.

"Is everythi...

But what he really wants ...

While my mother was pregnant with me, my parents warned my three-year-old brother not to get his heart set on either a brother or a sister, as they didn't know what I would be. He seemed to understand but added this caveat: "Well, if it's a dog, I hope it's a Boxer".

NSFW A man returns to work on Tuesday after a long weekend due to his 25th wedding anniversary he had celebrated over the weekend. His buddies were happy to see him and wanted to know how his little vacation was. "Perfect!", he replied. "I came home, and nobody was home. So I went upstairs to

the bedroom and there she was; naked and on all fours, and she tells me happy anniversary, you can do whatever you want to me!
His friends asked, "So what did you do!?!?"
He replied, "I sent her to her mother's!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting at a rooftop bar and turns towards the patron next to him: "I want to make a bet. If I jump off the balcony and survive, you buy me a bottle of champagne."

"You don't mean that, do you?", the patron asks. "This building is twelve stories high."

"It's a magical balcony", the man says. "I'll be fine."

"Whatever man", the patron says. "I know you won't do it."

The man gets up, walks towards the balcony and drops headfirst towards the ...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself"

He then proceeds to escort Ja...

My wife wants me to stop making movie references

But old habits John McClane

Did you hear about the guy who wanted a brain transplant?

They had to change his mind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A school bus full of Catholic girls drives off a cliff and they all die.

A bus filled with 18 year old sheltered Catholic school girls drove off a cliff and they all died. So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my fing...

My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but then I realized she just wanted to do laundry.

So I folded.

Do you want to hear a joke about the Israeli army?

A general asks a young soldier, what will you do if you see 20 soldiers coming to attack you? The soldier says that I would take an Uzi and shoot them.

The general asks him what if a tank is coming to kill you? I would take a rocket launcher and defend myself replied the young soldier.
<...

One day, daughter shack came to Mama and Papa shack and told them that she wanted to be a comedian.

“But you're not funny," said Mama shack.

Seeing his daughter's roofline sag in disappointment, Papa shack spoke up. "Maybe we could get you a coach?"

Daughter shack smiled with joy, and as she left, Papa shack arranged for a coach.

The coach came, a part time tiler who pr...

I really want to buy one of those supermarket checkout dividers.

But the lady behind the till keeps putting it back

Jim had just turned 21, and wanted to buy a horse for himself

Jim strode into a stable, looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said the owner, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to say "heyhey", and the way to get him to go is ...

Two wanted criminals are cornered in a building

They are surrounded on the 13th floor
Criminal 1: We should jump!
Criminal 2: But we're on the 13th floor!
Criminal 1: This is no time to act superstitious.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind man walks into a bar.

He sits down, and orders a drink. After a little while he speaks up,
“Hey bartender, want to hear a blonde joke?”

A hush falls across the bar. The woman to his left responds,

“you’re blind, so it’s only far that you know this. The bartender is a 30 year old blonde woman. The woman...

I was out having tea with my mother and I told her I wanted to make a car out of spaghetti; she laughed at my idea!!

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate when my wife wants to talk during sex

So i just don’t pick up the phone.

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.

She said, "What movie would you like to see?" I said, “You pick." She said, “You pick." I said, “I don't care. You pick." She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets."

A girl wanted to have 69 with new boyfriend

He said he hasn’t done it before and she agreed to guide him.

The girl got on top and a while later, she let out a fart. She apologised for the mishap and they started again. It was tough luck for the guy as she farted for a second time. She was red with shame. They decided to resume shortly....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was participating in a wrestling tournament and before my first match the hot ref came up to me and said, do you want some headgear

And I said I would love some, but how did you know my name was gear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is having sex for the first time and wants to sound experienced and wants to say something sexy.

The girl yells out “ I love how big you are.”

He yells out “I love how big you are too!”

A female friend got engaged to a successful stockbroker, but since then all he wants to do is smoke weed.

Welcome to the world of high fiance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An e-girl hit my dms and asked if I wanted to buy nudes.

I said nah I'm broke I don't have any money. She said cmon they're really cheap. And I said no Im still broke and she said pleeeeeeeaaaase it's only 3.50 and then I realized that this e-girl was about 8 stories tall and was a crustacean from the protozoic era. I said dammit Loch Ness monster I ain't...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.