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My daughter wants a pet spider for her birthday

I went to the pet store, and the owner said "that'll be $200 please", I said "$200?, it'll be cheaper getting one off the web".

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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

What starts with a P and ends in an S? (hint: men have it and women want it)

Pockets

[NSFW] The village idiot wanted to get rich.

Everyday he would pray to the gods that he would win the lottery.

Every night, "God, please let me win the lottery!!!!"

This went on for years and years, until one day suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens open, god steps in front of him and slaps him across his ...

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Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He didn't have much luck until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it

The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain...

I wanted to change my name to “Frieza” but had no idea how much paperwork would be involved.

This isn’t even my final form.

A guy sees a lamp, rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one wish. The guy thinks about it and says "I want to be a powerful man in the world, and have a beautiful wife"

The next morning the guy awake in a unfamiliar room, and a beautiful woman said to him

"Wake up John, it's a busy day, we have a car tour in Dallas"

3 mathematicians and 3 physicists want to go on a train ride

The physicists buy 3 tickets(one for each) and the mathematicians say they have a special method and buy 1 ticket(1 for the 3 of them)

On the train the mathematicians lock up in the same toilet and when the conductor knocked and asked for the ticket, one mathematician put his hand out with t...

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A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said "Ive always wanted to have sex with a little person"

**The dwarf replied "Im sorry, but Ive had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up" "Its ok" said the woman, "my husband is working away until next week" So, against his better judgement he goes back with the woman. They start having...

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She wants to open an account

One day, a raggedy looking woman carrying a large paper bag walks into the bank and asks to see the bank manager.

The receptionist is hesitant, but when she sees the large amount of cash in the bag, she escorts the lady into the manager's office. The raggedy old lady says she'd like to open ...

I want you to tell your best Chuck Norris joke

I just love them, so it's your moment and unleash your imagination!

So an obgyn wants to be a car mechanic

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided a career change was in order. Being an automotive enthusiast, he felt he should become a car mechanic.
He read and studied hard, and then came the day of the official exam.
Scores range between 40 and 100, where 60 is enough to pass the ex...

As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....

"But you already own her home!"

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A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which po...

Wife wants to see the circus

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Yakov's Moscow Circus is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinne...

A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that tv."

The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes."

So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that tv."

Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."

So she left again and came back with her hair dyed black and...

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

It wasn't easy, but me and my wife decided we do not want children

We will be telling them tomorrow.

Edit: They didn't take it that well, they just kept crying when we left them at gas station.

Edit 2: Oh, it's all fine, a group of old men comforted them and brought them to their van for sweets, we left in good faith.

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A homeless man asked me for money I had 20 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it to just go towards crack and alcohol

So I gave it to the homeless man

I don’t want to sound racist…

..But everyone in the KKK look the same to me.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a can...

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Dwarf with a speech impediment wants to buy a horse

A dwarf walks into a feed store and starts a conversation with the owner, it comes up that he’s looking to buy a horse. The owner tells him about his friend who owns a horse ranch just outside of town. The owner calls up his friend and says "I've sent a dwarf with a speech impediment to see you. He ...

My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.”

Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a coupl...

A CEO of a company called his secretary (his married mistress) and told her that he wants to go on a trip with her this weekend so they can have some fun

and that she can tell her husband it’s a work trip, so she agreed.

She called her husband and told him that she has a work trip so she won’t spend this weekend with him, he understood.

her husband called his mistress and told her that his wife is out this weekend so she should come bec...

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A fat man wants to lose weight...

A fat man is looking for a way to lose weight. He has already tried all kinds of slimming diets and fitness programs, but they didn't work for him. One day, he comes across an ad that says: "New revolutionary method - weight loss 100% guaranteed. Satisfied or your money back!"
He thinks: "Since ...

If God wanted us to be vegetarians…

Why did he make the animals out of meat?

Never Wanted to believe

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker,

but when I got home all the signs were there

Which direction do you head if you want to find a bakery?

Yeast.

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My wife gave me a sly, sexy wink and asked which of her friends I want to have a threesome with.

Ooops. I guess I was only supposed to name one.

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on what movie to watch and pizza to order

And then I picked the movie and pizza I wanted because I'm the one with the money.

Want to hear a story of a woman who goes crazy every month?

Period. End of story.

What are the magic words you say to get what you want?

I'm offended

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A guy and his gf want to find a hobby to share

She suggests to sign up for dance lessions, but the guy refuses.

She asks him why, and he says "i just don't like to do things i'm not good at"

She then asks him "then why you keep fucking me?"

(Based on a true story)

A couple of counterfeiters made a mistake one time and ended up with a batch of $15 bills

One of them says "We gotta get rid of these things. We'll go to Florida. I know a little town there. They're so dumb they won't know a thing."

So off they go. Soon they arrive at a gas station and buy some gas. The guy at the counter looks a little simpleminded.

"Hey can you break a 1...

My wife told me she wanted to have a threesome with me and one of her female friends.

I told her that if I really wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd call my parents.

Say what you want about the Aztecs

... they sacrificed a lot!

My spouse wanted to try some kinky fish/fisherman role play last night.

I'm hooked

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually, he called me on my phone and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I replied, "£100 and it's yours."

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A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.
Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad bec...

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"<...

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I took my wife to the doctor’s to sort our her Tourette’s.

Turns out she she doesn’t have it after all. I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.

call me anything you want, i kicked a pregnant lady right at her stomach, and I'm proud of it

i kicked her from the inside though

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A husband and wife of want to spice up their stale sex life.

They want to try BDSM for the first time. So one afternoon, the husband comes home from work, heads upstairs to the bedroom to change, and finds his wife spread out on the bed decked out in bondage gear and lingerie. Without skipping a beat the husband gets undressed and leans down and asks her in a...

When I die, I want my remains spread at Disneyland.

Also, I don't want to be cremated.

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A 'down and out' sees a sign in the window of a well known Jazz Bar saying 'pianist wanted'

So he decides to go inside and enquire. The owner takes one look and is immediately put off by the man's dishevelled appearance as his bar is pretty high brow. The man says 'please, give me a chance, before my life took a turn for the worst I was a pretty successful Jazz pianist'.

'Okay' says...

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A teacher asks her class "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day"....

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Me: So Doc, are you saying that I can jerk off whenever I want?

Doctor: No John, I said you can have a stroke at anytime.

I want to open an Aerosmith-themed mexican restaurant

...and call it 'Guac This Way'

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“My husband just wants to have sex all the time”

Vented the recently married woman to her sister, “it’s every day like clockwork he gets home from work, takes off his clothes at the doorstep and says “I’m home honey let’s hit the sack”. Don’t get my wrong I love him and the sex is good but I need a break I can barely walk””

Then the sister ...

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Want to sexually frustrate an IT worker?

Have you tried turning them off, then on again?

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"I'm sorry." The Judge asked Tony Stark. "You want to divorce Mrs. Potts because she's a tad weird?"

"No!" Tony exclaimed. "I want to divorce her because she's fucking Strange."

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

What's something we all want but can never grab?

A mist cake day.
(10 years yesterday, to be exact.)

Cars are getting very expensive now a days. I was finally able to afford to buy the new Kia that I always wanted.

Brought it home last night and parked it out front. It looked so nice and beautiful. Woke up this morning and the car is gone. Sadly, It was stolen at some point last night, but the suspect dropped a phone as an evidence. It was a very old looking phone that I had never seen before.

I did a ...

A blonde, wanting to earn some money,

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde...

My girlfriend shouted at me, “You’re always acting like a detective. I want to split up!" Eyes growing wide, I replied...

"Great idea! We can cover more ground that way!"

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Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

I want to get a job cleaning mirror's

It's something I can see myself doing

When I die, I want the Uvalde police SWAT team to be my pallbearers.

That way, they can let me down like they let their entire city down.

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Billy's diagnosis

Billy was just diagnosed with a terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live.

Billy came home and called his son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.” The s...

Republicans want small government

So small that it fits in your doctors office and your bedroom

My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange for movie night, but I said no.

I had Stranger Things to watch.

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.

After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!...

Aliens don't want to meet us.

They've looked at the reviews…



only 1 star!

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Want to hear a joke?

Boy: “Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, it’s too long.”

Girl: “Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won’t get it.”

An unemployed guy sees an ad in the paper that says "Photographer wanted for Miami-based luxury bikini line". Thinking it to be a joke, the guy calls the number in the ad.

"Hello," he says. "Is that photographer ad a joke?"

"No," says the voice on the other line. "One of our photographers died suddenly last week, and we're looking for a new one."

"Cool! I've been looking for a new job for a while, and this seems like it could be a very fine job for me."<...

A priest goes to the barber for a haircut.

When it’s done, he asks the barber how much he owes.

“All free, friend. I consider it a service to God”.

The next morning when the barber goes to work, he sees a bunch of flowers and a Bible in the doorstep. The flowers come with a thank you card from the priest.

Presently, a po...

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

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Bloke goes into a British pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

..."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat."

She says, ...

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I asked my girlfriend if she wanted 12 inches of dick tonight

'Cause we could have sex 4 times.

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense..!!

Irish Garda says," License and registration, please."

London...

My wife bought me a camouflage cover for my dictionary and it's just what I always wanted

I'd like to thank her, but I can't find the words

So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...

...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.

"26 feet 6 inches" S...

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Ladies, if you want men to stop staring at your boobs...

Eat a banana.

I told my doctor I want to get a vasectomy.

He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.

God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll gi...

My kids want a dog but I've refused to get them a Labrador.

It's frightening how many Labrador owners you see that have gone blind

scarlet johansson

There’s an airline crash in the Pacific. The only two survivors are a young man, Steve, and an unconscious young woman.

Steve finds the young woman clinging to a piece of debris. He tows her to a small, deserted atoll.

The young woman does not regain consciousness for a week. In the me...

I wanted to watch the National Origami Competition the other day...

...but couldn't because it was paper view.

Took a date home and asked her what music she liked. She wanted something with a hard beat that'll get her on the floor.

So I put on some Chris Brown.

I remember seeing Bruce Jenner on Wheaties boxes as a kid and wanting to be him.

Apparently he looked at Wheaties boxes and wanted to be Mary Lou Retton

I saw a really nice bed on sale, but I couldn't decide whether or not I wanted to get it...

I figured I'd sleep on it.

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A guy walks into a bar, and sees a beautiful woman, more gorgeous than any he's ever seen. He walks up to her and says, "I'd really like to have sex with the most beautiful woman in the world, if you'd oblige." She responds, "Sounds like we both want the same thing."

To which she then adds, "Unfortunately for you, I got to her first."

A couple wants to try flavoured condoms

She switches off the lights and gets going. "Hmm... *slurp*... Onion... *slurp*... and cheese..."

Him: "How about you let me put it on first?"

Men only want one thing and it is disgusting

Then maybe you should wash it

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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

My wife and I have decided we don’t want kids, after all.

If somebody out there does, we can bring them by tomorrow, anytime after 3 PM.

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A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why ar...

On the Bulgarian edition of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire...

The new contestant sits on the chair. He just grunts at the host's introduction questions, so they get straight to the game.

First question - Which city is the capital of Bulgaria:

* A. Sofia
* B. Moscow
* C. London
* D. Paris

Respondent: "I'd like to ask the audience."...

I didn’t want to have brain surgery…

But the doctor told me I needed to have an open mind

Once there was a guy named Bill who wanted a horse.

On Craigslist, Bill saw a Christian horse so he went to check it out.

When Bill got to the ranch, the horse's owner said "It's easy to ride him. Just say 'praise the Lord' to make him go, and 'amen' to make him stop." Bill got on the horse and said "praise the Lord." the horse started to...

My wife wanted me to get a Vasectomy

Since we were both on our late 30 and we were not planning on having more children

I told her: “but what if 10-15 years from now something happens to you And I remarry with a much younger woman? She would want children wouldn’t she”?

Now I don’t need a Vasectomy, the kick was hard enou...

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(NSFW) Things have been going great since my doctor told me I can masturbate whenever I want.

His email said I could have a stroke at anytime.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday and she said "All I want is a nice card..."

"...with a $100,000 limit".

Last week I was on a date with a girl and it was going pretty well till she said "What I really want is a guy who will treat me like a Princess."

So I hired some Paparazzi to follow her and she died in a car crash.

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Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

“Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“United!” exclaimed the ...

So Leonardo Dicaprio wants to quosh rumours that he only dates women under 25...

To demonstrate this, he's now dating Pete Davidson

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

I want to tell you a joke about some herbs and fish

But this is neither the thyme or the plaice

On the internet you can be whoever you want,

it’s strange so many people choose to be stupid.

Netflix: Do you want to watch a 10-hour movie?

Me: No way! Are you insane?

Netflix: How about I break up the movie into ten 1-hour episodes and you see them all in one sitting?

Me: I am in!

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A married man keeps telling his wife “ Honey , you have such a

"Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo...

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I told my wife that I can do whatever I want.

I can go out and drinking with my friends. I can smoke all my favorite cigars and attend all the football and baseball games I want. I can spend the weekend in Vegas with my buds and blow all the money in our account at the casinos.

I felt pretty good about myself, and I started walking out o...

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My wife really wants to have sex on the South Pole

I didn’t know she was into expeditionism

My wife said she wants to break up with me

I asked her “Why?!?”

Wife: “You keep making stupid Transformers jokes…”

Me: “Please don’t leave, I can change!”

Why didn’t the rabbit hunter want to be on TV?

Because he was having a bad hare day.

I thought my girlfriend was joking when she said she wanted a Monkees-themed wedding.

Then I saw her face.

I chose not to put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay...

... because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about...

If reincarnation does exist, I want to be reincarnated as a fly.

Just to see if it really is that difficult to escape from my bedroom.

What’s the difference between Disney+ and po*n hub?

Disney + wants you to hate your stepmother.

Everybody wants to save the earth;

nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did in his sleep.

Not like all the screaming passengers in his school bus.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

Well, they're not laughing now! Wait…

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An elderly man living alone in Manchester wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard.

His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison (strange ways) . The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Paul,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be di...

A man wanted to literally die with his $$$, so he trusted a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a Doctor, and a third to his Lawyer to bury him with it when he died.

After his death, at the man’s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.

As they were carpooling back from the funer...

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As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits,

but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

Wh...

Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the lib...

WANTED: Someone has stolen the wheels to the police cars

The police is working tirelessly to find the suspect

People come to us whenever they want to talk to the dead.

Sometimes they are startled when they see us. My sister is pretty large and I’m pretty small. But together, I tell them, we are a medium.

A blonde wanted to try out ice fishing. She went out and purchased all the gear she would need and headed to a local spot to try to catch some fish.

She went out onto the ice with her gear and after getting comfy on the stool, she started to cut a circular hole in the ice as she had seen on the internet. As she was cutting, she heard a voice from the heavens speak out, saying, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde was startled. Sh...

So a village boy and a modern girl fall in love and want to try 69

The boy doesn’t know about 69 so the girl takes the lead.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts out uncontrollably directly in his face. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises.

She squats down for another go but farts again, thi...

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A shaggy looking old lady goes into her bank and asks the teller...

"Can I please withdraw $10 from my account?" while handing over her debit card.

The teller, annoyed at such a transaction request, rudely tells the old lady "Go to the ATM, stop holding up the line for $10."

The old lady then says "Okay, then I want to withdraw $10k from my account."...

You want me to kill him? I’ve never done a contract killing before.

But I’ll give it my best shot.

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Six Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

I always wanted to be a millionaire just like my dad.

He wasn't a millionaire, he just wanted to be one.

Vladimir Putin announces russia wants to build a moon base

The idea is that russian astronauts will live there permanently. When the astronauts were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty wasteland, they said:

"No. That's why we want go to the moon."

A rich man dies and his three sons inherit his estate

One's a doctor, one's a lawyer, and one's a priest. His dying request to the three of them is that, to show their gratitude for all the money he's leaving them, he wants each to take out $10,000 and put it in his coffin. The day of the funeral comes, and each of the sons dutifully puts a paper bag i...

Vladimir Putin visits a school...

He asks a boy: "Who is your true mother?". "Mother Russia of course!", says the boy. Putin then asks a girl: "who is your true father?". "You, great president!", replies the girl. Putin then asks the quiet kid sitting at the back: "You there, what do you want to be when you grow up?". The quiet kid ...

You know when things are getting bad when people only want their kids to live a long and healthy life they will enjoy...

And you have to wonder how their children are going to handle the pressure of those unrealistic expectations?

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What's the last thing you want to hear when you're giving Willie Nelson a blowjob?

"I'm not Willie Nelson"

If wanting to be alone makes you an introvert, and wanting to be with people makes you an extrovert,

wanting to be with cats must make you a purrvert.

Little Johnny was in class and his teacher asked

Little Johnny was in class and his teacher asked "how many of you guys are trump fans?" since the entire class wanted to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well except little Johnny. So the teacher asks, "why are you being different again Johnny....." so little Johnny says "well b...

I didn’t really want to become a gynecologist when I was in college

But I heard there were a lot of openings.

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[Almost a real story] My middle school friends and I, when we were in middle school, were talking about our wet dreams. everyone was having a good time talking about the naughty stuff, but my friend Hassan was all quiet and unamused. Later he came to me and said that he wants my thought.

\- So what's up Hassan?

\+ Ali all the guys are having wet dreams and I am not. Am I sick or something?

\- I don't think so. but there must be a reason that you don't. tell me, Do you fap?

\+ Of course I fap.

\- Do you fap a lot...?

\+ not really. once or twice...

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant

He went to the doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my ri...

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Three people want to get into heaven

St Nicholas is the gatekeeper.

He says they must give him something related to Christmas to get in.

The first person reaches into his pockets and pulls out a leaf

St Nick looks confused, and says “How does this relate to Christmas?”

She replied “Mistletoe”, St N...

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Charlotte wants a dress.

Charlotte asked Uncle Bob to borrow some money because she wanted to buy a new dress.

Uncle Bob told her that he would loan her the money if she gave him a blowie.

Charlotte agreed and began sucking. She immediately gagged and said, “This tastes like shit!” ...

A young baker buys a shop

He is very excited as this is his first venture since qualifying. He sells ok on everyday items like bread, but runs into trouble with his 'special items'. One day he makes beautiful cakes, however his customers only want pastries that day. So the next day he makes pastries, but now they want muffin...

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What’s Your Name, Sailor?

The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him,

\-“Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?”

\- “John,” the new seaman replied.

\- “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call a...

Boss pulled me aside and wanted a quick word…

I said “race car”.

Never let others keep you down, never stop trying and never be afraid to fight for what you want.

Unless your name is Amber Heard in which case can you please stop? Like, now please?

I don’t want to take credit for this joke.

Cash or a check will be fine though.

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A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks directly up to the Madam, drops down $500, and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’,...

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My girlfriend broke up with me because she wanted to focus more on her work

Turns out she’s a sex worker.

Why would you ever want to google yourself?

Search me...

If somebody wants to say the word “motel“ backwards

just letom.

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

A horse, a sheep, and a chicken lived together on a farm.

The horse had long dreamed of learning to play the guitar.


So the horse rings a music shop and he says, “Hey, I’d love to learn to play guitar. Is there anyone who can teach me”?


The music shop manager says “That’s not an issue, let’s get you started on some music lessons.” ...

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A nun goes for a bath

Ten minutes in there's a knock on the door. She looks around to grab her towel but must have left it in the bedroom. She peeps out the window to see who has called.


''Who's there'' she yells
" Hi Sister Kathleen, it's the blind man " is the response


" He's probably loo...

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Her 9-year old grandson came in from outside and asked,

"Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?"
Taken aback, she decided to be honest, "It's called sexual intercourse."
"Oh, okay," and he went back to play with his friends. A few minutes later he returned saying angrily, "Grandma, it...

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My husband calls me a sex object

Everytime he wants sex, I object

Me: “I don’t want to ever see you anymore! I won’t let you hurt me like this again! Abuse is never acceptable!”

Trainer: “”It was one sit-up. You had to do one sit-up.”

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank god I live in Canada

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl...

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

"It's simple" billionaire boasts... "I faked my age"

"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, ...

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A golfing instructor has no luck teaching a young, married woman. (NSFW)

Whatever he tries, she is still just terrible, either missing the ball completely or taking chunks out of the grass.

This is beginning to affect his ability to get new clients, and he is constantly getting ribbed by colleagues.

One lesson, after angrily stamping a clump of grass back i...

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A husband got a new job

A husband got a new job and had to go on his first ever business trip.

This was especially tough because he and his wife made love every other day and he was going to be gone for a week.

He didn’t want his wife to miss him, or miss out on her regular orgasm, so he decided to buy her a ...

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know wh...

If you want to get in a canoe go ahead. If you want to enjoy the lake without a canoe that's fine too.

I just don't get why row vs wade is so controversial. Can't we all just enjoy the lake together?

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of...

Two brothers want to find out the truth about Soviet Russia

Two brothers want to find out if Soviet Russia is really like the propaganda they hear in the West. They decide that the older brother will go to Soviet Russia to see for himself and write back what he sees. However, since the letter might get censored by the Soviet government, they decide that if t...

I wanted to learn how to fly a plane...

But I realised I was in the wrong class when the professor said this will be a crash course in flight!




(Sorry if it's a bit dad joke-ish I tried to write my own joke but chances are it's been told before)

An elephant and an ape go to a party together. They want to bring some snacks: crackers and dips. Which of them buys the crackers?

The elephant.

Because the ape always buys the dip.

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Jack Russle and Great Dane at the vets...

A Jack Russell and a Great Dane are in the waiting room at a vets...

JR: "Why are you here ?"

GD: "Fuck off."

JR: "No, come on, let's be friendly, we're both dogs, we don't want to be here, we should support each other,"

GD: "<sigh>"

JR: "I'll tell you why I'...

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