This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy, his father and his mother are having dinner. But the boy doesn't want to eat his broccoli.

- Eat your broccoli! - says the mother.

- No! - exclaims the boy.

The father then leans toward the boy and whispers something in his ear. The boy quickly eats his broccoli and goes into his room.

- What did you tell him?

- I told him that if he didn't eat his broccoli, hi...

I want my 11780 dollars.

Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong.

My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to do a threesome...

I told her, if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'll go have dinner with my parents.

Son: "Daddy i i fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!! "

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a coupl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike

but he doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Honda road bike with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in...

Man: Judge, I want to contest 80% of my parking tickets.

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Ok. I want to contest 4/5 of my parking tickets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For my cake day, I want to share a joke my friend told me

When I was born, god gave me the option between choosing the ability to finish stories, or having a big dick.

Obviously, I chose

Do you want to know why the republicans won't impeach Trump?

Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.

Before my operation, the anaesthesiologists asked if I wanted to be knocked out via gas or boat paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation.

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was sur...

For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa’s favorite joke when I was growing up: “Wanna hear a dirty joke?”

-A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

Edit: thank you for my first silver and gold

Edit 2: I really only expected maybe 1 comment, lol. This really kinda...

This was the year I got all I wanted: a girlfriend, a steady job, and many new friends. All I could want for the next year is...

to be able to post this in a different sub.

Me and my wife decided that we don't want children.

We will be telling them tonight.

I got a vasectomy because I didn't want any kids.

When I got home, they were still there.

I wanted to name my soon to be born son Lance. My wife disagreed. She said Lance is too dated a name. I replied that since medieval times people have being called

Lance a lot.

Trump might finally get what he wants the most

He might get to be president for the rest of his life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This woman wanted to have some rejuvenation surgery after her years of child birthing, so she decided to get a vaginoplasty.

When she awakens from surgery, she sees three vases on her bedside table with flowers in them. The nurse walks into the room, and the woman asks “Hey, who are these flowers from?” The nurse looks at her and says “Well, one is from the doctor, he just wanted to thank you for shaving and cleaning up e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

(Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)

Tom wants a job as a signalman on the railways.

He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

To find out how Tom would react under pressure, the inspector asks him: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Tom says, "I would switch one train onto the other track, thus ...

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?

” He said, “Try the ATM outside.”

I'm an antivax parent, I want to keep my 3 children healthy

edit: 2 children

edit: 1 child

I want to die in my sleep like my Grandfather

Not screaming in terror like his passengers

A German girl married a Spanish man

A German girl married a Spanish man & went to Spain. She can't speak Spanish. Each time she wants to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt& show her thighs to enable the seller understand her.

This went on for sometime. One day she wanted to buy banana. So She took her husband to...

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank god I live in Canada

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite donkey Bessie into the... "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'". Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Be...

A director wanted to make a movie about Batman, but sadly D.C. wouldn't allow him to film it.

He decided he would just make the movie anyway, but instead of using the character's real names he would take away the last letter of their names.

Batman became Batma and he fought crime with his trusty partners Alfre and Robi. The film then showed the dynamic duo and their butler fighting cr...

What do we want?

Airplane flybys

When do we want them?

Nyyyyeeeeeoooooooowwww!

John wants have a good time with his girlfriend at prom...

First he needs to get prom tickets. He has to stand in line for fifteen minutes. But he gets the tickets for him and his girlfriend.

Then he needs to get his tux. After finding a perfect tux at the tailor shop, he has to wait in line for thirty minutes to get to the register. But he eventuall...

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

Why doesn’t America want to play Chess with the UK?

They are down two towers already and the UK has a unkillable queen

You want further proof that Biden is already the better president?

He's got 23 million more Twitter followers than Trump.

Do you want to hear what’s in the middle of every joke?

Ok

My grandpop always used to say "The first rule of theater is to always leave them wanting more"...

...great man. Terrible anesthesiologist.

What are the three words you never want to hear when making love?

"Honey, I'm home!"

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. But my dad crushed those dreams years ago...

He'd always say "For you, son, the sky's the limit!"

Want to know who loves you more, your wife or your dog?

Lock them both in the trunk of your car for a couple hours and see which one is happy to see you when you let them out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer pulls over an elderly couple He walks up to the driver's side window and asks the husband for his license and registration. The wife, hard of hearing, asks "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband replies "he wants my license!"

The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going.

The wife yells "what?! What did he say to you?"

The husband yells back "he says I was speeding!"



As the officer looks at the license he notices they're from Ohio "you know, I used to live in Ohio. Worst place ever. I...

I asked my five year old daughter what she wanted for her birthday and she giggled, "I want unicorns, rainbows and fairies!"

Okay, LSD it is!

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked puzzled.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

A woman wants to know if her 3 future sons-in-law will be thrustworthy... ... So she decides to take them one by one on a walk and pretend to slip and fall into the water to see what they will do. And so it goes.

On the first walk, she pretends to slip and falls into the water. The first son-in-law takes of his shoes & coat and jumps in the water. The next day there is new family sedan parked in front of the house. There is a letter for the son-in-law which says:

_Thank you for saving me, here is ...

I want to speak to President Trump

One sunny day in late January 2021 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.  He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir,...

A man secretly wants to get rid of his wife's cat...

...and decides to abandon it. He takes her into the car, drives a few blocks away, drops off the cat and drives home.

Ten minutes later, the cat is back home again.

"Well," the man thinks to himself, "maybe it was a little too short a distance."

He gets back in the car with the ...

Wife: "I am going out for two hours. Do you want anything?"

Husband: "No, that's enough."

A guy wants a divorce.

He tells the judge, “I just can’t take it anymore. Every night she’s out until way after midnight, going from bar to bar.”

The judge asks, “What’s she doing?”

The guy answers, “Looking for me.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman wants to buy bagels for her coworkers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we's out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave t...

I broke up with my girlfriend because she wanted me to cosplay as Lenin

I should've known, there were red flags everywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man took a girl he just met back to his place, she said she wanted sex, but only if he had protection. He quickly whispered in her ear, "up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, start"

"what was that?" She asked.

"Contra-ception"

what does Cruella De Vil wear when she wants to do research?

a lab coat.

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the

guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for wha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: I’m terrified of the song ‘I Want it That Way’

Therapist: Tell me why?

Me: **screams**

Oedipus wants to learn of his fate.

He travels to Thebes to consult the blind prophet Tiresias and asks him, "What does my future hold?"

Tiresias thinks quietly for a time and answers, "First you'll murder your father."

Oedipus is shocked to hear that he'll become a killer, but there must be more to his fate.

He ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife wants to make a porno with me and I'm really excited

I'm going to be playing the husband who goes to work

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jebediah the shepherd wanted to make a statement about bullying and stood up at the town meeting.

"Friends, there is a cruel and unfair practice that is infiltrating our community. You may not have noticed, but it is here and it is doing grave damage to my sense of well being and comfort in our beautiful village.

Perhaps Englebert has noticed? The man who bakes our bread every day, who f...

I know what 90s girls want

They really really really wanna zig-a-zig ahhh!

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man placed an advertisement, "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing: You can have mine

What do we want?! low flying planes!!!

When do we want them?! Neeeeeeoooooowwww

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Uncle used to say, to get what you want, you need to be frank with people. If that doesn't work, don't be afraid to get curt with them. If that's still not working, try showing them your dick.

Show them your impression of Dick Nixon, Everybody loves a good impression

Men only want one thing

From the Missing-the-point department:

Text from her: “Men only want one thing, and it’s disgusting!”

Text from him: “Wash it then?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man scores a hot date

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.
The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“What do we want?” “A cure for Tourette’s!” “When do we want it?”

"Cunt!"

A flight attendant asked me if I wanted a drink.

Me: what are the options?

Her: yes or no

Mr. Chu, Du, and Fu were three friends from China that wanted to come to the US.

In order to get a visa, they were told they needed a more “American” name.

So, Chu became Chuck,

Du became Duck,

And Fu,

... well, Fu remained in China.

Once, me and my family wanted to bake some marshmallows in the campfire.

We had the poles with marshmallows sticked to them prepared when we heard sirens. We all ran out to see what happened. The neighbours' house was on fire and I saw a lot of firefighters trying to get the fire under control. The neighbours looked at us with pure disgust. That was the moment I realized...

A dog wanted a loan for a new doghouse.

He picked up a valuable knick knack that he had sitting around and headed to the bank. Once there, he said that he wanted a loan, and was using the knick knack as collateral

The teller, named Patty Whack, looked at the knick knack and said that it wasn't valuable enough for the amount he wan...

Some guy wanted to hire me to sell umbrellas, but I refused.

It sounded like a real shady business.

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Harry, I want to tell you something. I'm gay", says Remo Lupin

"What? Are you fucking serious?"

"No Harry, I'm fucking Severus"

I wanted to make a joke about time travel...

...but you guys didn't like it.

My wife told me she wants to give her clothes away to starving children,i told her that if they fit them they arent starving

That is when the fight began

[Police Station] Me: I want to talk to the thief who broke into my house last night Police: Why do you want to talk to him?

Me: I just want to know how he got into my house without waking up my wife. I’ve been trying it for years

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to learn so I bought the Kamasutra and...

Man, there's a lot of fucking information in here.

Went to an 80s fancy dress party once, my wife didn’t want me to go as a pop star.

But I was adamant.

Man: Doc, all 5 of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking sons’ disease I have ever seen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cinderella wants to go to the Ball

But her evil Step- mother won't allow her. Cinderella runs to the garden and cries. Suddenly her fairy godmother appears out of thin air. The fairy godmother asks "why are you crying child?" Cinderella tells her about the ball and her evil step-mother not letting her go. The fairy godmother tells C...

What age were you when you realized you wanted to be a dancer?

I think I was around 5, 6, 7, 8

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend used to ring a bell every time she wanted sex.

Now it’s hard for me to walk past a church.

Kids said they wanted a cat for Christmas.

Normally we have turkey, but ok...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I said to my wife when we went to bed. “If you want to have sex in the night pull my willy once and if you don’t want to have sex...

...pull it 100 times”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When it comes to penis size, we all just want to

belong

I want to make a lord of the rings themed metal band called

Nightmare on helms deep

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ice Cube talking about why he doesn't want his girlfriend to role play as a cop.

"When I said fuck the police, this isn't what I meant."

My friend wanted to know how I got all my karma

I simply replied "piece of cake"

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."

‟On what grounds?”

‟Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees.”

‟No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?”

‟Yes, we've a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage.”

^(getting exasperated) ‟Does he be...

If I you ever become a ghost and want to start an airline company, what should you call it?

Booing Incorporealated.

I don’t know why Donald Trump wants four more years.

He can’t even handle 60 minutes.

I want Donald Trump to be my parole officer...

...he never lets anybody finish a sentence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a child, my wife wanted to become a mechanic for National Express but never followed that dream, which is a shame.

I'd love to see her under a fucking bus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chai...

I want to tell you a computer joke

But you'll have to wait a bit.

My friends and I made a quarantine joke that I really want to share

But as an inside joke, you wouldn't get it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"



"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terri...

My girlfriend told me this morning: " I want you to be naughty to me in the shower."

So I put shampoo in her eyes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, but my roommate used the paper to roll up his joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says if this post gets a 1000 likes, I can get anal on my cake day

Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a grocery store and says "I want half a pound of butter"

He looks and sees shelves completely covered with boxes of salt. All over the grocery store, hundreds and hundreds of boxes of salt. So he says to the grocer, “Listen, I don’t want to pry, but do you sell a lot of salt?” And the grocery man says, “Me, if I’ll sell a box of salt a month, I’m luck...

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I wanted to tune up my ass like an instrument so my farts sounded beautiful I'd probably pump propane up in there.

That'll get my acetoned.

Three men are talking in a Soviet gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accu...

My imaginary girlfriend wants to break up with me.

She told me she wanted me to start seeing other people.

I want to start a bird feeding company.

I want to start a bird feeding company.

All I need is some seed money.

I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he to...

Bro do you want this pamphlet?

Brochure.

My parents are old fashioned. When I was a boy they wanted me to play baseball.

And When I was a girl they wanted me to see a psychiatrist

From the moment I saw you I knew I wanted to do unspeakable things with you...

Like playing charades!

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out, and...

The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, “I stole a can of peaches.”

The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”

“Six,” replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t kn...

I never wanted to believe that my father was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Do U want Super Bowl Tickets?? Read below.

IF YOU'RE INTERESTED... A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2021 Super Bowl, both box seats. He paid 11,500 each. It comes with ride to and from the airport, lunch, dinner and 400.00 bar tab. Also a back stage pass to the winners locker room. He didn't realize last year when he bought them, i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and appeared in court. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, I'd like to give you a second chance. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew a little circle in a big circle and told them the big circle is your...

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

A man comes home to his wife and cheerfully proclaims: “the doctor said I can pleasure myself whenever I want to!”

The wife took the paper he got after the appointment, looks at it for a second and says,

“Harold, this here says you could have a stroke at any time!”

what do the elderly least want to hear at the covid vaccination clinic ?

“Dr shipman will see you now”

Americans who want to send their kids to school but don’t want to vaccinate them..

You’re worried about the wrong shots

NSFW 2 Thai ladies asked me if I wanted to sleep with them!

2 Thai ladies asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery! To my horror, they were right... we had 6 matching balls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woman to Doctor: “My husband wants intense sex all day! What can I give him?”

Doctor: “My number.”

I've decided I want to go out of this world the same way I came into it

An accident.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

America wants to repay its soldiers after the Afghanistan war.

After the Afghanistan war was over, America decided that every soldier can choose a certain part of their body to be measured, and they will get as many thousands of dollars as the lenght of that body part.


First soldier wants to be paid his hight. He will be measured from the tip of his ...

If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up...

He should have just hired her!

I found a ghost who wanted to pose for a photo for me! Unfortunately, it came out horribly underexposed.

The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.

A young man is fired from his job after asking customers if they wanted “smoking or nonsmoking.”

He was fired because the correct terminology in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial.”

Why don’t you want to listen to a dragon’s story?

Because they tend to drag-on

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife wants sex about 3 times a month. I want sex about 10 times a month.

So we compromise and have sex about 3 times a month.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a small dick wanted to enlargen it so he went to a doctor.

-Doctor, I want a dick like black guys have.

-No problem, just tie a dumbbell to your dick and walk like that for a week.

*week passes*

-Doctor, what have you done, my dick turned black!

-Wait, what did you want?

Trump: I want to see Biden in prison!

Biden: Why does Trump think I would visit him in prison?

When I die, I want to be cremated in a restaurant.

That way, y'all can take eggs, cream, and a pie crust and quiche my ash.

Leonardo DiCaprio, George Clooney and Matthew McConaughey are sitting around discussing a movie they want to make.

DiCaprio says, “I’ll be the lead actor.”

Clooney says, “I guess I’ll be the director.”

McConaughey says, “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write.”

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you have a Vagina?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.

He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"

She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had the opportunity to get 50 dollars per day or 50000 dollars when I want but a virgin will die. I chose the second option. Later on, my mother calls me and tells me that my father had died due to an unknown cause.

I had the opportunity to get 50 dollars per day or 50000 dollars when I want but a virgin will die. I chose the second option. Later on, my mother calls me and tells me that my father had died due to an unknown cause.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Starting today I will be completely avoiding German porn.

I just want to train myself to have a Hans-free orgasm.

While I don’t believe Belichick is rooting for Brady, I absolutely believe Bob Kraft wants Brady to win one more before he retires...

What can I say? Bob Kraft just loves a happy ending.

Me:I want to become a millionare like my uncle

My friend:Your uncle is a millionare?
Me:No he wants to become one to

There is a restaurant that advertises that it will serve you anything you want, but if they can't, then they will gift you $5000 as an apology.

A man passing by sees this message advertised at the entrance, and believes this to be bullshiet, but decides to try it out anyway.

He enters and a waiter takes him to a table. The waiter asks, "What would you like to eat today, sir?"

Man: "I would like an elephant's ear and a muffin ...

I want to offer Cold Air Balloon rides

for people afraid of heights.

I really thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to see a Monkees tribute band play in Switzerland.

And then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva...

A Lawyer goes shooting and brings down a marvellous pheasant right on Farmer Joe's field...

Knowing the law, he goes over to the farmhouse and knocks on the door, farmer Joe opens, and the Lawyer speaks,

"Excuse me sir, but I'm a lawyer on a shoot, and I happen to have brought down a fairly marvellous pheasant over in your field yonder. Being a lawyer (I happen to have attended an e...

My friend wanted to do a sketch of me.

I insisted on playing chess instead. It ended up in a draw.

I wanted to invest some money into my uncle’s Indian restaurant

He said: it’s naan of your business

My grandma turned down her hearing aid when I said I wanted to play her some music

My life is a joke

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

I wanted to tell a joke about Sodium..

Na you probably won’t get it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jamaican debaters only want one thing

and it's to fucking discuss tings.

The genie of the lamp

Two neighbours, one is rich and the other is poor.

The poor have a magic lamp : Every morning,he wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" ,and the poor asks for a cup of tea.

The rich neighbour,envious of the magic lamp,said to the poor : i'll give you my car ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.