For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa’s favorite joke when I was growing up: “Wanna hear a dirty joke?”

-A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

Edit: thank you for my first silver and gold

Edit 2: I really only expected maybe 1 comment, lol. This really kinda...

Trump might finally get what he wants the most

He might get to be president for the rest of his life.

I want to speak to President Trump

One sunny day in late January 2021 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.  He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir,...

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank god I live in Canada

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Harry, I want to tell you something. I'm gay", says Remo Lupin

"What? Are you fucking serious?"

"No Harry, I'm fucking Severus"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

I wanted to make a joke about time travel...

...but you guys didn't like it.

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."

‟On what grounds?”

‟Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees.”

‟No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?”

‟Yes, we've a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage.”

^(getting exasperated) ‟Does he be...

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So I said to my wife when we went to bed. “If you want to have sex in the night pull my willy once and if you don’t want to have sex...

...pull it 100 times”

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Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and appeared in court. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, I'd like to give you a second chance. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew a little circle in a big circle and told them the big circle is your...

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the

guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for wha...

A man comes home to his wife and cheerfully proclaims: “the doctor said I can pleasure myself whenever I want to!”

The wife took the paper he got after the appointment, looks at it for a second and says,

“Harold, this here says you could have a stroke at any time!”

Bro do you want this pamphlet?

Brochure.

What 4 words don’t you want to hear when making love?

Hi honey! I’m home!

I don’t know why Donald Trump wants four more years.

He can’t even handle 60 minutes.

I never wanted to believe my brother was stealing from his job as a road worker

but when I got home, all the signs were there.

I want Donald Trump to be my parole officer...

...he never lets anybody finish a sentence.

Today is my first cake day! So I want to share a joke with eveyone

Wait a minute. Let me find a photo of myself first

There is a restaurant that advertises that it will serve you anything you want, but if they can't, then they will gift you $5000 as an apology.

A man passing by sees this message advertised at the entrance, and believes this to be bullshiet, but decides to try it out anyway.

He enters and a waiter takes him to a table. The waiter asks, "What would you like to eat today, sir?"

Man: "I would like an elephant's ear and a muffin ...

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"



"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terri...

A Roman walks into a bar and says "I want a martinus"

The confused bartender asks "You mean a martini?"

The roman replies "If I need a second one I will tell you".

My friend wanted t know how I got all my karma

I replied "piece of cake"

Our daughter wants us to set a place at our Thanksgiving dinner table, for her teddy bear, Theodore. She promises he won't eat very much.

She said he has been eating a lot lately, and is already stuffed

A dying man wants to prevent his family from inheriting his wealth. So he entrusts the money to his three closest friends: a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer.

He gives each friend an envelope with $1,000,000 in cash, and makes them all swear to bury the money with him when he dies. They all shake hands and solemnly agree.

A few months later the man dies, and the three friends place their envelopes in the casket.

Later, privately, the doctor...

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

Despite them not knowing what a Trump fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well, all except for little Timmy.

The teacher looks over to little Timmy and asks, “Timmy, why are you bein...

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

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What's the last thing you want to hear when you're giving Willy Nelson a blowjob? (NSFW)

"I'm not Willy Nelson"

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it’s.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it hap...

A man once wanted to sell his horse for 1000$.

He went door to door to ask people if they would buy his horse. Only one person named George was willing to but it, but for only 500$. The man went home in despair. The next week, his horse died. He then went to George and said, "Alright, gimme 500$ and you'll find your horse at the field". He took ...

For my wife's birthday I bought her the fancy new fridge that she wanted

You should have seen her face light up when she opened it

Do you want to know the real reason why Santa is so jolly?

Its because he knows who all the naughty chicks are.

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...

My husband just asked me if I wanted to have a "68." I asked him, "What's that?"

"That means you do me, and I owe you one."

If we want Congress to agree we should just replace the people with horses

Sure the neighs would carry every vote. But hay, at least the housing market would be stable.


I'll show myself out

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Mee and my girlfriend wanted to see a series on Netflix...

She told me she wanted to see Vampire Diary, but I wanted to see La Casa De Papel so I told her "Fine, who ever has the biggest penis gets to choose whatever series they want."



So yea Vampire Diary is a nice show after all

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up...

He should have just hired her!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chai...

You can all pray for Donald Trump if you want but ...

I'm going to stand back and stand by.

I want to quit this job because no women will talk to me

Screw the morgue

At first I thought it weird that Joe Biden wanted to make his press secretary staff all women

But then I remembered that meant he didn't need to pay them as much

“What do we want!?” “Hearing aids!”

“When do we want them!?”
“Hearing aids!”

I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he to...

Its untrue that most women want to get married.

I've asked loads and they've all said no.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

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A scientist sat beside a little girl on a plane. He wanted to start a conversation.

He said: » I hear flights shorten if you talk with other passangers…«

The little girl replied: »OK, what do you want to talk about?«

The scientist was being a bit sarcastic: »Why don't we talk about nuclear physics?«

The girl said: »Can I ask you somethig first? A goat, a cow an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

If you want to save money this Christmas.

Now is the perfect time to tell the kids.

Santa didn't make it through the pandemic..

Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks ''Do all of you want a drink?''

The first logician says ''I don't know''

The second logician says ''I don't know''

The third logician says ''Yes!''

If trump wins the election, I will leave the United States

If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States

This is not a political post, I just want to travel

I want to open a restaurant that fuses Chinese and Middle Eastern cuisine

I call it "Wok like an Egyptian".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Daddy do you want a STD? NSFW (Kinda)

My son walked up to me yesterday and asked me if I wanted a STD. I asked him where he heard that phrase and he said that he saw it on YouTube, I said sure I would like a STD just to see what in the fuck he was talking about then he casually ran to the pantry, opened the doors and grabbed the donuts ...

She whispered in my ear, "I want you inside me"

She was surprised when I stuck my finger In her ear

A woman wants to know if her 3 future sons-in-law will be thrustworthy...

... So she decides to take them one by one on a walk and pretend to slip and fall into the water to see what they will do. And so it goes.

On the first walk, she pretends to slip and falls into the water. The first son-in-law takes of his shoes & coat and jumps in the water. The next day ...

When I die, I want the people I did group projects with me to lower me into my grave...

...so they can let me down one last time.

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

I really really want to perform a song for you.

It would be the "I sing on my cake" day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know

. One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.

Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. "Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked. Not...

A physicist asks his friend “want to test out my new quantum computer?”

Friend agrees, sits down and quite impressed says “oh wow, would you look at that”

Physicist: “Great... I guess I need to get a new one”

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...

Dad to his son: “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?!”

Son: “Go on, then.”


Dad growls: “NOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”


Son: “Dad, that’s Superman!”


Dad: “Thanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was to uncommon...

... I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Want to know the worst part about online dating as an ugly guy?

Fucking nothing.

Guys, don't install adblock

I did, and now the hot singles in my area don't want to meet me any more.

When I die I want to reincarnate as a spider.

That way all the girls can say, "Oh my god, it's huge!"

They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

Well they're not laughing nw!

Today I came out to my parents, and my dad instantly wanted to disown me.

Luckily, his boyfriend talked him out of it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves without a word, to go and speak to the manager about how to deal with this man. The manager, hearing the stor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

*Nsfw* The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

I want to be a bartender.

Men named Bart watch out

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A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

"That's easy, I want to be an asshole!" yells Little Johnny.

The Teacher is shocked with Little Johnny's response and wants to send him to detention, but out of curiosity she let's him continue hoping for an explanation.

Little Johnny continues: -Well, when I'm out on the street with ...

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My girlfriend is mad because I told her I wanted to show our love to the world

She found it adorable at first but now wants me to remove that video from pornhub.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a maid wants a raise

a maid hired by a couple wants a raise so she goes to the wife and asks her.

the wife asks her why she should get the raise and the maid tells her it's because she cooks better.

the wife: really who said it

the maid: your husband

the wife gets mad but gives her a raise. t...

Shhhh, Want to know the secret of how Biden won the election?

He got more votes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On my way home from work, my asian girlfriend said she wanted to have sex with me so badly, but I was super hungry and in the mood for pho...

...it was a Nguyen Nguyen situation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth....

Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth

Covid Denier 1: So there was no such thing as covid, right? I died of lung cancer or something!

God: No, Covid is real, you died of covid just like the Doctors said.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

Does anyone want to hang out, chat, and basically just be buddies with a lonely guy?

I’m asking for a friend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After 15 years of marriage, the husband suggests to his wife that they should invent a little code for when she wants sex so he doesn't have to read her mind at bedtime.

Laying in bed one night he says "So, if you want sex, pull my dick once, if you don't want sex, pull my dick one hundred and sixty-nine times."

Today my son told me he wanted to go help blind people after school...

The verb, not the adjective.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister,...

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No one wanted to join me on the difficult mountain trail.

They all said it was a hard pass.

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

Dave was getting robbed in the desert

he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.

he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"

after the robber shot...

Anyone wants to buy a broken barometer?

No pressure.

A blonde is overweight so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat for two weeks and you'll lose at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. The doctor exclaims, "That's amazing! Did you follow my diet?"

The blonde nods. "But, I thought I was going to drop dead every third day from all the skipping!"

My girlfriend told me she hates songs by Britney Spears and she doesn't want me to sing them.

But oops, I did it again.

As a young boy, my mother told me I could be anyone I want to be...

Turns out this is called identity theft.

A ‘divine’ healer in his ‘miracle’ ministry called, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed for, please come forward to the front."

With that, John got in line and when it was his turn the Pastor asked, " John, what do you want me to pray for you?"

John replied, "Pastor, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The Pastor put one finger of one hand on John's ear, placed his other hand on top of John's head, an...

I guess China finally got what they want

They managed to coronise the world.

Once management wants you fired, you’ll be fired

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn't like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, "I have served you loyally f...

A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, “I want a grilled ... cheese.”

The waiter says, “What’s with the pause?”

“What do you mean?” The bear replies. “I am a bear!”

I want to die in my sleep, like my grandpa

Not fearing imminent death and screaming like the passengers in his car.

If you want an unbeatable christmas present for your friend,

get them a broken drum.

I wanted to get a reaction by make a joke about sodium.

But then I thought: Na.

Mom told me I could be anything I wanted when I grew up

But apparently identity theft is some sort of a crime

A young man wanted to learn an instrument, so he bought himself a bass guitar.

Not knowing where to begin, he decides to take music lessons. After some searching he finds an old bassist who is offering beginner classes at a reasonable rate. He calls the man and they schedule a meeting for the next evening.

The young man leaves work the next day and heads to the lesson. ...

"Dad, I want to be a fighter pilot when I grow up!"

"You can't do both, son."

Water boy wanted to impress his teammates so much

He wanted to make a splash.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to tell a joke about amazon prime

But I'd probably just fuck up the delivery

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a fortune teller and told her I wanted my palm read...

...the bitch stabbed my hand.

The year is 2028 and /r/Jokes is still going strong.

A new user gets on to /r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"

The second most upvoted joke says "3915"

The third most upvoted joke says "756"

He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"

The mod repl...

My teenage daughter can't decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer...

I guess she'll have to flip a coin....

Heads or Tales.

When i was little i wanted to be a babysitter

but then i got a baby sister.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”

The man replied, “There are three reasons.

One, I love to play with my money.

Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.

Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”

A farmer walks into an lawyer’s office wanting to file for divorce

The attorney asks, “May I help you?” The farmer said, “Yeah, I want to get one of them thar dayvorces.”

The attorney said, “Well do you have any grounds?” The farmer said, “Yeah, I got me about 140 acres.”

The attorney says, “No, you don’t understand. Do you have a case?” The farmer sa...

My vegetarian wife wanted the egg smell gone from the pan in which I cooked scrambled egg

So i cooked beef in it.

There's three nuns who want to quit being nuns, so they approach the head nun and ask, "Head nun, what can I do to stop being a nun?"

The head nun replies, "You each must commit one sin tonight then come back tomorrow and drink from a cup of holy water. Only then will you not be a nun anymore."

So the three nuns nod their heads in agreement and leave to go sin. When they come back the next day, the head nun asks the first n...

My dauther wants a pony for christmas.

Well, usually we have duck for dinner, but this will be something new!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes into the US Postal Services to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."


"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward empl...

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know w...

What do you call a religious Indian man that doesn't want to be found?

Hidin' Sikh

My wife asked me what I wanted for my 50th birthday.

"Honey, what I want money cannot buy"

With a wink in her eye, she asked, "oh, what is it then?"

A PS5

WANTED: A mysterious man keeps waking me up whenever I'm about to sleep!

25,000 dollar reward for information if it leads to a rest.

I once got stuck on a deserted island. It got very lonely very fast, and I wanted some company

I decided to state my opinion on the upcoming election

The island went from deserted to crowded very quickly

I want to learn more about suicide..

But I’m having trouble finding a jumping off point.

I can't believe my parents support my choice of profession! I told them that I wanted to become a stand-up comedian.

They laughed at me.

Bath night

A couple take in a beautiful young lady as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said...

President's Aide: "Mr. Trump, the dry cleaners called and wanted to let you know...

You left two supreme court justices in your pocket when you dropped your suit off."

Leonardo DiCaprio, George Clooney and Matthew McConaughey are sitting around discussing a movie they want to make.

DiCaprio says “I’ll be the lead actor”
Clooney says “I guess I’ll be the director” McConaughey says “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

My girlfriend wants to break up with me because she says I play video games too much

What a ridiculous reason to Fallout 4

My little nephew wanted to share a joke he was very proud of coming up with: Why did the hotdog get grounded?

It was being a brat!

An old lady wanted to withdraw money from a bank

This old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said “I would like to withdraw £10”. The teller told her “for withdrawals less than £100, please use the ATM.

The old lady wanted to know why... The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her “these are the rules, please leave if ...

Did you know that R. Kelly wanted to be a pro hockey player?

He was good at it too, but the only trouble was that he didn't want to score after the first period.

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A man wanted to kiss his date

Her mouth smelled like shit
He said your mouth smells like shit
She got upset and left.
The man’s friend advised him to not be blunt and ask her indirectly: “did you eat onions today, or have you been to the dentist”

On the following date her mouth smelled like shit and the man asked...

I'm depressed because the store just ran out of the thing I wanted to buy for Christmas

It was antidepressant

A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study

Maid: "I'd like a raise."

Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?

Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Y...

Hey. Want to hear a race joke?

No thanks. This one's already out of gas.

I really wanted to share a link to Weird Al's 1984 Michael Jackson parody today but I realized

That I can't have my Cake Day and Eat It, too.

I wanted to make a team for a Pro Hide and Seek Game

But good players are hard to find

I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk

..but somehow I never got the chants.

I really want to buy a guillotine for myself

But its gonna cost me an arm and a leg

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mate, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss...

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big ...

I wanted to post to r/showerthoughts

But I’m afraid I’ll slip up

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I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK ...

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There's an elderly couple who has reached that point in life, where sex isn't part of the itinerary anymore. One night, the wife turns to her husband and says, "Every-time one of us wants to have a bit of a slap and tickle, we just have to say, "Washing machine."

A night passes, and the husband leans over and whispers, "Washing machine." The wife gives him a shove and informs him that she has a headache.

A few nights go by and the same thing happens, but the husband is determined and he reckons he’ll just give it one more try. He leans over and whispe...

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A man wanted to become a rich and famous painter...

But he lacked the skills. So the Devil came to him and said "I will make you a world class painter, you'll be rich and famous. In exchange, I want your soul." The painter agreed, and Lucifer snapped his fingers. A set of brushes appeared, which Satan quickly possessed. After being possessed by Satan...

I asked my Pillow if it wanted a snack

It said “No, thanks I’m stuffed”

What did Ernie say when Bert asked if he wanted ice cream?

Sherbert!

You know I really want a new guitar.

But for now I'm too baroque.

I love my girlfriend. She's always there for me, she's super smart, and she really understands me. But I've caught her talking to other guys. Lots of other guys. I want to tell her she has to choose me or them, but I'm afraid I'll lose her if I do.

Her name is Alexa.

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, bu...

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children

If anybody else does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

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An elderly man and s woman wanted to have a baby.

The woman was in perfect health but the doctor needed a sample of the man’s semen. The man said he can only do that about once a week. The doctor then proceeded to give the man a vial. “Come back next week with your sample” the doctor said. The man came back next week, no sample. The doctor asked wh...

I went to the store to buy a french loaf and the clerk asked me, "how do you want this to be put away?"

I told him "baguette"

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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the ...

I didn’t get the Xbox Series X I wanted for my birthday.

I need someone to console me.

Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.

He wanna make America grate again.

Say what you want to say about waitresses

But they bring a lot to the table.

My son told me he wanted to be an archeologist

So I handed him the cat scoop and told him to find treasure in the cat box

My uncle swore to me that if i wanted to attract girls, I mean REALLY draw in the chicks, I should roll up a sock and put it in my pants.

I did this at a high school dance, and I when I got home, he asked me if I tried it and did it work. I told him it did not help at all, and only made things worse. He looked down and said, “Well you were supposed to put it in the FRONT!”

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

A man finds a bottle with a genie inside. *poof* “I will grant you one wish, what is thy bidding master?” “I want a freeway to Hawaii from Santa Barbara with a tollbooth that only I can enter!”

The genie scoffs. “Foolish mortal, that is not possible, even for a genie like myself. The logistics of designing and building such a thing over thousands of miles of open ocean is ludicrous, please wish for something else.”

The man thinks for a moment. “Hmmm, then I wish that I could actuall...

As a child of a meth addict, I want you to know you can make DIFFERENT CHOICES from your parents

I prefer heroin

What do you call birds that just want to dance?

Ravens

Why did no one want to be near Shrek?

He had terrible body ogre

Smartest president

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2...

A member of the Soviet Union wants to buy a car

The man goes to the official agency, puts down his money and is told that he can take delivery of his automobile in exactly 10 years.

“Morning or afternoon?'' the purchaser asks.

“Ten years from now, what difference does it make?'' replies the clerk.

''Well,'' says the car-buyer...

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Jacque and Pierre want to become American citizens

So they go to the consulate and they’re told to go into the service and after they come out they’ll be granted citizenship.

So Jacque goes into the paratroopers and Pierre goes into the infantry. About 6 months later after boot camp they meet up with each other.

Jacque says to Pierre...

I told my ophthalmologist father I didn’t want to hear anymore eye jokes.

They just get cornea and cornea...

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Why do men give cold women their jackets?

No man wants a blowjob from a woman with chattering teeth

A priest, a drunkard and an engineer are sentenced to death by guillotine. The executioner as the priest if he wants to be face up or down when he meets he fate. The priest says he’d like to die face up looking towards heaven...

... The blade comes down and stops just before the priest’s neck. This is seen as a sign from God and the priest is set free. The drunkard is asked the same question and responds with face up hoping he’ll be saved like the priest. The blade again stops inches from the neck and the drunkard is f...

Man: I think my wife wants me to leave her.

Friend: Why you say that?

Man: Everyday she wraps my lunch in a roadmap.

A man placed an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted.’

Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’

Dad- I want you to score 90% in exams.

Son- Dad, don't worry, I'll score 110%.

Dad- Stop joking.

Son- You started first.

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"I'll show you something amazing for a beer"

Guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'll show you something amazing for a beer"

Bartender agrees.

Guy pulls out a 10" pianist from his pocket and sets him on the bar. He starts playing beautifully.

The bartender, wowed, demands "Where the hell'd you find that littl...

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly ...

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This Cake Day I really wanted to take a whisk.

But when I asked a baker for a good cake joke, he told me they are on a knead to know basis.

I was speechless and couldn’t even come with a good re-torte, I almost broke down in tiers.

So I did when any great man would do and called my mom who has always been my biggest flan, she liste...

I wanted to make a joke about people that do drugs

But that’s where I draw the line

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Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

...."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."


The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it al...

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