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Want Jokes

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A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day"....

I want to die in my sleep like my dad

Not screaming and crying like the passengers on his plane

I really want to tell you all what makes Indian Curry taste so great.

But I had to sign a Naan disclosure agreement.

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How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but the lightbulb has got to want to change..

Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs?

A. Anything you want, there's nothing he can do about it.

The wife and are are trying to name our new baby. She wants to name him Drew

I want to name him Driew. It's only weird if you spell it backwards.

Want to hear a joke about a nihilist?

Nah, what's the purpose?

Blonde

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but e...

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Two DEA officers were called into their superiors office after an operation didn’t quite go to plan.

Superior: “Gentlemen, do you want to debrief me on this latest raid?”

Officer Jones: “well, sir, as I recall it, first of all I used the battering ram to flatten the door. Then, within a few seconds of getting inside, I found at least 25 ounces of coke and weed all over the coffee table” ...

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Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome

He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

“Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“United!” exclaimed the b...

Chillin’

While you are reading jokes on reddit, I am sitting here in a chair that costs $2,000, hugging a stuffed animal that costs $150 and watching the Ant Man Quantumania movie on a 100" full HD 8k TV that costs $8,000 and nothing bothers me, not even the look of the furniture store employees who apparent...

There's an English man, an Irish man and a Scots man...

They're all stranded on this Desert Island. The cannibals come and say "right you're coming back with us and we are going to skin you and turn you into canoes"

So... they arrive at their camp and the cannibals say "before you're killed you each get one last request"

The scots man is fi...

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Sister Mary is relaxing in the bath after a long day healing the sick at her convent.

She hears a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" She calls.

"It's the blind man, may I come in?" Comes the reply.

"Well I'm in the bath, but I guess you won't see anything anyway so it should be fine." She answers.

"Cracking tits, love. Now where do you want me to hang these b...

"Do you want to hear a joke about ghosts?"

"Yes."

"That's the spirit!"

Why do they say “break a leg” in the theater?

Because they want to see you in a cast.

I always wanted a super power, so I named my son Tran

I can’t quite turn invisible, but at least I’m transparent

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So I Went To Japan On A Holiday

and I had a very close online Japanese friend I met on a Guitar Hero forum, and we arranged to meet up.

I thought he was a guy, but then this really cute girl with short, brown hair shows up, easily a 9/10. She's called Nao and even though it's the first time we had met in real life, we get a...

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Little Johnny and his Ranch

Little Johnny was a rancher. He owned cattle, horses, and things all of the sort. One day, a black SUV had pulled up. An FBI agent got out of the car.

"Are you little Johnny?"

"Yessir."

"I'm here to investigate a murder. Someone was killed down the road, you mind if I take a pee...

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A woman joins a country club

A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a....

Why did the surfer bring a book to the beach?

He wanted to catch up on his current reading.

A young businessman had just started his own firm.

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and furnished it with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picked up the phone and started to pretend big deal was in the works. He threw a huge figures around and ...

Why did the kid throw salami out the window?

He wanted to see the meatier shower.

A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or your mum home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town".
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with mum and dad".
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himse...

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A man gets totally shitfaced after way too much drinks with his friends on a Saturday night, then goes back home. (Long but cute :-)

He has a hard time opening the door, being very careful to not wake up the wife. He starts to climb the stairs to the bedroom, but the world is collapsing every other second around him. He falls, tries to crawl a few more steps, and faints.

Next morning:

He wakes up in pyjamas in bed, ...

My wife found a cute baby skunk on our holiday

She wanted to bring it home. I told they won't let her take it on the plane, she'd need to hide it down her panties.

"But what about the smell?" She asked.
"Well," I said, "If it dies it dies."

My mom used to tuck me in when I was young

She wanted a daughter so bad

When I die, I want my remains scattered over Disney World.

Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

Why don't Jehovah's Witnesses celebrate Halloween?

They don't want any crazy people knocking on their door.

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Putin: How much of the Russian population want to kill me?

His advisor: About half.

Putin: Only half? That's a relief. The other half support me, then?

His advisor: The other half want to live long enough to piss on your grave.

A man goes to the bank to apply for a loan

The banker says okay, but I'll need some information first. What do you do for a living?

The man says he's a dentist.

A fine profession! And are you married?

Yes.

And what does your wife do for a living?

Well, it's a little hard to say....

I must know if you...

A guy isn't feeling well, and goes to the doctor. The doctor says, "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?"

The guy says, "I guess I'll get the good news first."

The doctor replies, "You're going to get something named after you."

What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted!

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A man is on his way home of a very long drive.

Every day he has a very long and slalomy ride to do but today near the start of his drive all of a sudden his rear-left tyre got punctured and he has to stop.
On the side of the road he finds a dirty strange object that's pulsating. He checks it out and a genie comes out.

"I'M THE GENIE A...

Slow reader

A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00.

Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and te...

A Chinese couple has a restaurant…

After a long day of work, they go to bed, the husband says to his wife: do we want to do a 69?

And the Wife: What? Shrimp sauteed rice at this hour?

My son wanted to hear a basketball joke.

I couldn't think of any so I did what anyone would do...

Me: "Alexa, tell me a basketball joke."

Alexa: "The last time the Boston Celtics won a championship, I didn't exist!"

Why do many people keeping buying Mudéjar art?

Because it is Moor-ish!

>!I realise that this joke is relying on fairly uncommon words like Mudéjar, Moor and moreish - which will reduce how many people will enjoy the joke. But I didn't think that should stop it from being shared. Words explained below!<

>!Mudéjar art: Refer...

I saw my dog carrying a dead rabbit in its mouth.

I recognized that the rabbit came from my neighbor. I didn't want the neighbor to get mad at me because my dog killed their rabbit so I took the rabbit from the dog and snuck it back into it's cage so it would look like it just died there.

Later I heard my neighbor screaming so I asked what's...

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An Elderly Woman Gets Pulled Over For Speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

O...

There was this musician in North Korea…

One day he was called upon Kim Jong-Un himself to compose a piece of music and have the great North Korean orchestra play it to him in the humble auditorium.

The man, not wanting to displease the Great Leader, did as he asked.
The big night arrived with the musician stood at the fron...

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Luigi's Armani

Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice every day. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much that it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them....

My job allows me to hook up with as many women as I want

I love being a mortician

the new maid

A man hires a new maid and calls home to speak to his wife. The maid picks up.

"Is this the maid"

"Yes"

"Well may I speak to my wife?"

"Well....she's in bed with a man"

The husband is furious and tells the maid "I want you to go into my desk, get my gun, and shoot ...

My friend offered to show me a magic trick.

"Sure," I said.

My friend pulled out a deck of cards, shuffled it thoroughly, then gave it to me.

"Pick a card, any card. Look at it, then put it back," he said.

I was suspicious, so I asked him if I could shuffle the deck, too. He agreed, so I shuffled it five times, cut the de...

Line up

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to maker wo lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the nex...

A polish man finds a magic lamp that has a genie.

Its the usual schtick, 3 wishes and all. So the man says to the genie, I want for a horde of mongolians to come to my country, kill and pillage, and go home.

The genie thinks this is odd, but obliges. The mongolians make it to the farmlands at the border, kill and pillage, then return home....

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3 men are granted 3 wishes

3 men stumble upon a lamp and they rub it, and out comes a genie. The genie says

"I will grant each of you 3 wishes."

The first man thinks long and hard, and then says

"I want to have a million dollars"

The genie snaps his fingers and poof, the man now has a million dol...

If a villain wanted to kill Antman and Wasp….

Would they call in the SWAT team?

An English man, a Welsh man and a Scottish man find a lamp

One of them give it a rub and a genie pops out.
"Thank you for releasing me! You can have 3 wishes, so I that makes it one wish each!"


The Welsh guy goes first, he looks a little shifty, but decides to go ahead anyway
"Genie is it? Alright so, I want you to build a wall betwee...

A man checked his office email on Monday morning. He saw an email from this co-worker that said "Do you have any naked pictures of your wife"? Angry, he replied” I certainly do not!"

A short while later he got a second email "Want to buy some"?

She was standing in the kitchen preparing 2 soft boiled eggs for breakfast

wearing only a 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the...

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I went to see a hooker...

I asked a hooker: i only have have $0.25 what can I get?

She told me to fuck off and go fist myself.

15 minutes later i went back to the hooker.

She said wtf you again? what do you want this time?

I said well duh, i came to pay the 25¢

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I was in the pub the other night. (long)

and my friend Denzel comes rushing in he says "I need a favour". I said "what?"

he said "i got a young woman in the back of my van that I met in here, well she wants me to shag her, but me wife's just called and she's got me tea ready I have to go home"

"what you want me to do about i...

I found a talking frog outside.

He speaks english, spanish, and french. I introduced my friends to the frog and they seem to really like him. Now, the whole neighborhood is knocking at my door wanting to talk to the frog.

I don’t get it, his conversations aren’t that ribbet-ing.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 20 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

This is the most paranoid I've ever been!

No, wait -- That's just what they *want* me to think!

A man complained to his coworker that he didn't know what to get his wife for her birthday...

"She already has everything you could think of, and she can buy herself whatever she likes," he said.

"Here's an idea," said his friend. "Make up your own gift certificate that says, '30 minutes of great loving, any way you want it.' I guarantee she'll be enchanted."

The next day, th...

MacBeth meets the three witches on the marsh.

''Hail MacBeth. For a fee we will predict your future.''

-''Really? How much?''

''10 Pence per predicted year.''

''I want a prediction for my *whole* life.''

''That'll be 5 pence.''

- Herman Finkers

There were these two guys from Alabama ...

Who loved to fish, and they wanted to try some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada and they took off for up there.

The lakes were frozen nicely! So they stopped just before they got to a lake at a little bait shop to get all their tackle. Bob looked at Ed and said, "We're going t...

One night Chun Li gets drunk and decides she wants to get laid. So, she asks her friend Cammy if she knows which of the male Street fighters can help her get off...

Cammy said, "Sure. Ryu can."

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The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage.

She said she hated the constant Star Wars puns.

I looked at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one."

Husband: Do you really enjoy making love, or do you just simulate ?

Wife: I do enjoy it, really. Why ?

Husband: Next time you enjoy it I want you to let me know, Ok ?

Wife: I can't. You asked me to never call you when you're in the office.

My wife told me she wanted a divorce for Valentine's Day

I told her I hadn't planned on spending that much.

I asked Jeffery Dahmer if he wanted to go out for burgers...

…but he told me said he’s good; he’s got Five Guys at home.

Don't go for the one...

Seamus got sent to the market by his wife to get snails for tea. Her sister was coming over with her new French husband, and she wanted to impress him with escargot.

So Seamus, being the dutiful husband that he is, went down and got them. On his way back home, he bumped into Sean, his old ...

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A mom walks into her son's room one morning...

Mom: "Wake up, or you'll be late for school."

Son: "I don't want to go to school today!"

M: "Why not?"

S: "Because all the kids hate me!"

M: "But you have to go."

S: "But all the teachers hate me too!!!"

M: "Oh, for crying out loud. Get up! You're 45 year...

Why did the actor break their arm?

Because they wanted to be in a cast!

My dad worked as a clown. When he died I didn’t want to follow his work.

It left big shoes to fill.

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A horse is sitting in his stable one day when he hears music coming from the farmhouse. He waits patiently for the farmer to go out before making his way across to the farmhouse to see what's going on. As he peers through the window he can see MTV is on the television.

Horse goes into the house and sees a rock band on the screen. He is instantly taken by the guitar and decides there and then he wants to play. He uses the telephone and calls the local music shop. He explains that he has seen the band on TV, that he is a horse and that he wants to play guitar, The m...

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There were three young men who got lost on a mountain hike in the night.

The snow was raging, and all three were freezing and starving, desperate for shelter and food.

Fortunately, they encountered a house in the woods. They knocked on the door, hoping to get a place to sleep for the night and something to eat.

An old, hideosly ugly woman opened the door. H...

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I went to Japan alone and visited a temple

I went to Japan alone and visited a temple that everyone says miracles could happen after prayers.


Once arrived, I opened my wallet, and poured all my money into the offering box and prayed,
"God, I want a girlfriend, it would be great if she's from Japan, and she likes anime l...

It makes sense that Leonardo DiCaprio cares so much about climate change…

He just wants a world his future girlfriends can turn 18 in.

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A Jewish man buys a lottery ticket and wins.

After the news heard about this amazing stroke of luck, they went to go and interview him.

The news reporter asked, "Mr. Goldberg, you have just won $1 million. What are you going to do with all this money?"

The Jewish man responds with, "Well, I'm going to give half of it to my family...

An expectant father wants to call the local hospital to ask about his wife, who's in labour...

But in his haste, he accidentally calls the local cricket ground instead.

He asks about the situation, and the shock almost kills him.

"All is well, we've already got 3 out, there's another 7 to go, and we're hoping to be finished by lunchtime. Last one out was a duck."

(This...

Clubhouse

A group of men are changing in the locker room at a golf club. Suddenly a cell phone on the bench starts to ring, and a man puts it on speaker phone as he continues getting dressed. He says "Hello?", the woman on the other line says "Honey, it's me. Are you still at the golf club?"

"Yeah, wha...

I want to design a pencil with an eraser on both ends.

People say it’s pointless though.

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There were two farms, one bordering the other.

On one side of the fence was an ox, flirting with the cow on the other side........

he couldn't take it anymore and wanted to go to the other side of the fence, which was very high, to trace the neighbor's cow......

One day he took courage, took distance and jumped the fence, got clo...

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A man and his 13 yr old son are in the pharmacy when his son sees the condom display

"Dad", the son says, "what are those for?

"Well, those are for when a man and woman love each other and want to have safe intercourse.

"Oh", the son says, "Why do they have a three-pack?"

"That's for a college junior: one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday morning"....

I was talking with a man who had 24 kids...

I asked him how come he had so many kids.

He said, "Well, you see, my wife is hard of hearing."

I asked him what that had to do with anything.

He said, "Every night I ask her 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' and every night she replies, 'What.'"

Want to know Quasimodo’s favorite Christmas song?

Jingle bells!

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's
on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit...or a
thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit...or maybe one like that cute widdle
bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands...

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There's this old Jewish rag (schmatte) and cloth dealer

who has a regular Gentile customer who likes to poke fun of him and his antiquated ways.

One day the customer calls him up and asks to buy some cloth.

The Jew asks him how much he wants.

"From the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis" the goy says mockingly . "I'm a regula...

Counterfeiters

Two counterfeiters were working on making some fake bills starting with $100’s. One of the plates slipped without them noticing, and printed out a whole run of $18 bills.

Instead of wasting them, they decided to head south to see if they could pass them off, thinking that locals wouldn’t kno...

Somebody made a cake shaped like Canada, and sliced it to match the province/territory borders

I said I wanted the largest piece, but they told me I could have none of it

I heard the old shepherd wanted to get a new job

He got tired of counting sheep

A businessman interviews a mathematician, an accountant, and an economist for a job

A businessman interviews a mathematician, an accountant, and an economist for a job. He asks them, “What is 2 + 2?”

The mathematician answers, “Exactly 4.”

The accountant replies, “Depending on what your interest, depreciation, and taxes are, approximately 2.”

The economist wa...

The unlucky man

There was a very unlucky man , who whenever starts a job, they go bankrupt in a week, whenever he goes to a wedding, they get divorced in a month, whenever he buys a car, it get wrecked in days, ...etc

one day he decided to run away, thinking that even if he brings his bad luck abroad, ...

A cabbie picks up a nun...

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you”

She answers, ” My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old...

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This morning, when I woke up, I had something of an epiphany.

There I was, snuggled in on both sides by my two of my cats, and I thought about the memes that ask what you'd do differently in your life if you could.

You see, I've had good luck in my life, and bad luck in my life. There are some things I simply don't want to risk experiencing again, so ...

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Little known fact...

The first time whale semen was studied by a marine biologist was actually at the request of one particular sperm cell. The following conversation took place.

Sperm: I just want to be taken seriously. I think that reproductive cells are an easy target for crude humor made by the mindless immat...

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The guys were on a bike tour.

No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "M...

I wanted to make a joke about time travel

But no matter how far back I go there’s a repost already

A wife wants to try 69 with her husband

The husband says “what’s that”

“I’ll show you” the wife says

The wife then straddles the husbands face and farts. The wife then scurries off embarrassed.

“Sorry I didn’t mean to do that let me try again” says the wife

The wife straddles the husbands face and once again fa...

Guy walking down the street notices his watch has stopped working...

So he looks around, and notices a store with a huge watch hanging in the window.

He enters, and tells the clerk he'd like to have his watch repaired.

The clerk, looking confused, tells the customer, "Er, sir, I'm not a jeweler, I'm a mohel."

Customer says, "So why do you have th...

William Shatner tried to start a home furniture company in the 90's.

It didn't do well though cause no one wanted to buy a Shatner Bed or Couch.

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Ce...

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I went by the deli to get a sandwich.

The deli man asked if I wanted monterey jack, colby jack or pepper jack. I wasn't in the mood for cheese so I told him "jack off".... This mayo tastes funny

A centipede walked into a shop and asked for a pair of shoes.

The shopkeeper looked at him and checked it was just the one pair that the centipede wanted.

The centipede laughed and assured the shopkeeper that yes, although one pair would be useless for himself, the shoes were a birthday gift for someone else and that he did indeed only want one pair....

Restaurant hostess: Do you have reservations?

RestaurMe: No, I’m confident I want to eat here.

A Rabbi is Traveling.

On his way, he stops through the town of Trid. As he walks through the town, he notices how empty it is. All the windows are shuttered and the doors are bolted shut. Eventually, he makes it to the center of town, where he finds a man hurrying through the streets.

“Excuse me, sir!” the rabbi c...

Gift That Keeps Giving

A guys wife tells him she really wants to learn to Ocean Kayak. He tries to tell her that she must take lessons and will have to buy expensive equipment.  She explains it is her life long dream, so he supports her fully.

A few months later,  she is ready for her first Ocean Kayak experience...

I had a vasectomy done 2 years ago..

Mainly because I didn’t want any lids whatsoever, but when I got home from the hospital after the operation, they were still there…

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A few friends go to Mexico to watch the bull fights.

Afterwards, the friends go to a restaurant. The waiter asks them, "would you like to try the oysters? They are the testicles of the bull, but we only serve them when the bull loses."

After time, the men decide they do want to try the oysters. Out comes a dish with two huge, round balls, with ...

So this guy walks into a church...

So this guy walks into a church. He goes up to the priest and says: “Look, I’m struggling a lot lately, trying to understand the universe, and our place in existence and all that. None of the stories I’ve heard satisfy me. Can you just tell me honestly – where did this world come from?”

The p...

Got the shaft

A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".
<...

What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?

“I want to grow mold with you.”

Good mood

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer" the man began "I can explain"

"Just be quiet" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say"...

What's the opposite of being able to wrap your head around something?

A turban :D

(It's my joke, MINE! If anyone *ever* wants to repost this, give me credit!)

I just see my friend sprinting down the road…

I stopped him and asked “Jim, what’s the matter?!?”.

He told me he was on a date with a beautiful women he met at work and she told him she wants to have his children.

I said “so why are you running?”

“I’m going home to get them for her”.

I asked the B-52s where i could find a Pope

They told me "Rome if you want two!" Had to break the news about benedict to them.

One day, a boy was walking down a road when a frog called to him

The boy picked up the frog, smiled at it, then placed the frog into his pocket. A few minutes later, the frog said, “Boy, if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, and I will stay with you for a week.” The boy took the frog from his pocket, smiled at it, then put it back into his po...

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by casting a vote on what movie to watch and pizza to order.

And then I picked the movie and pizza I wanted because they're not at voting age.

Want to know what the definition of insanity is?

The definition of insanity is mindlessly repeating a quote that Einstein never said.

What did the nerd say to the cute girl?

Are you an API because I want to call you?

Cake day joke: a redditor’s mom saw him sitting in the middle of the road, making a post to r/jokes. “What are you doing son?” she asked, appalled by his recklessness. “It’s my cake day, ma” said the redditor. “What does that have to do with being in the road?” his mom asked. The redditor replied….

I want to get hit with that karma.

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, and painful death!"
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

A man is walking through a park where he sees 2 men sitting on a bench, one of them is a young man who looks sad and the other is an old man who looks happy

he says to the young man, "Why are you so sad?"

the young man replies, "My wife left me. she said she never wanted to see me again..."


the man then talks to the old man sitting next to him and asks, "and why are YOU so happy?"

the old man replies, "I'm going through the same...

While walking down the street one day a female head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. . “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”


“No problem, just let me in,” s...

Horrible lie

The preacher rose with a red face. “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiv...

Brothers

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would...

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A therapist gets a call from their patient saying they are going to kill themself…

Therapist: Why do you want to kill yourself?

Patient: Because you don’t take me seriously, and you’re always needlessly pedantic!

Therapist: How would you do it?

Patient: I’m going to jump.

Therapist: Now?

Patient: Yes now! I’m looking at a hundred foot drop…...

Two sisters inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 available.

The older sister says, "I’m going t...

Three men were stranded on a desert island

They had been there for many years and had become good friends. One day a lamp washed up on shore and out popped a genie. The genie looked at them and decided to grant each of them one wish.

Without hesitation, the first man practically screamed; "I wish I was back home with my family!". Po...

My girlfriend asked me which one of her friends I'd want to have a threesome with...

Apparently the right answer wasn't "Wait, you have friends?"

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue sui...

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A lonely man adopts a new pet...

A lonely man feeling distant from his wife decides to follow the advice of a coworker and sets out to find a pet to keep himself company.

On the way home from work one day, the man stops by a pet shop. Inside he finds the usual fare, hamsters, guinea pigs, goldfish, etc. As he looks around h...

A soldier is standing on patrol, a man comes up and says:

- Sell me your machine gun.
The soldier answers him:
- No, I can't - I'm guarding a hangar with two secret planes.
The man says again:
- Sell it, your fighters will not fly away.
The soldier resists, he does not want to sell his machine gun.
- Something might start, and I have no a...

A pig walked into a tattoo store

A pig walked into a tattoo store.

Tattooist: How can I help you?

Pig: I want to have a tattoo on my body that makes me look wealthy.

Tattooist: Sure.

The tattooist drawn a rectangular hole on the pig's back.

It is with a heavy heart that I want to announce

That I've been diagnosed with Cardiomegaly.

My fiancée wants us to skip town and get married, but I think we should harvest our melon crop first

Honeydew you even know watermelon farm entails? We cantaloupe now.

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle...

He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, 'I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. But I can only grant one.'

The man thought for a while and finally said, 'I ha...

A man walks into a bar …

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would you let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says

"It would have to be something spectacular to ...

How picky are rabbits about their weddings?

Oh, they're not picky at all! They just want their rings to have several carats.

Dwayne Johnson wants to move to a peninsula south of Spain.

He wants to be the Rock of Gibraltar.

I felt a chill go down as my wife noticed me eyeing a nice looking ginger

"I know what you're thinking and if that's what you want then go right ahead have it your way" she said

So I made us some herbal tea and that was the best freaking thing that I have had on a cold cold day

Stay warm guys

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Polly wants a working girl

So a woman walks into my church and she's like, 'Father, I got a problem. I got two parrots, but they're both female and all they know how to say is one thing.'

And I'm like, 'What do they say?'

And she gets all red in the face and she's like, 'They say "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you...

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Warning... dirty joke

A man and his friend are in a bar enjoying some drinks.

A gorilla is also drinking in the bar.

One man walks over to the gorilla and punches it in the face, and the gorilla gives him a blow job.

Next day the guys are in the bar and the same thing happens.

The day afte...

Motel 6’s slogan is “we’ll leave the light on for you”.

Because you definitely do not want to be there when it’s dark.

It was July 17, 1946

The temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, had invented the first automobile air-conditioner.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were t...

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A blond and a lawyer are flying to Cleveland

The man asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

Bored, he persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you do...

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the...

I wanted to read The Book Thief...

…but someone stole my copy.

I didn't want to believe my brother was stealing from his job at the city's Road Service department

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

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Tourette's.

Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her Tourette's.

Turns out she doesn't have tourettes.

I am a fucking cunt and she really does want me to fuck off.

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A father took his son fishing.

As he was preparing the fishing rods, his son tells him:
- Dad, i want to take a shit.
- Son, we’re in the great outdoors, you can take a shit anywhere!
The son left and came back a while later.
- Where did you shit?
- In the car, there are no mosquitos there.

I patented a design that would till the earth as it cut the grass

But no one wanted to buy my Hoe-Mow

Did you hear, Little Timmy wandered straight into the mine field?

The whole town heard.

Some say he was distracted, that his mind was all over the place.
It certainly is now.

Timmy wasn’t too smart.
The warning sign next to the minefield *literally* has more brain than him.

The mine field always filled Timmy with awe and wonder.
It ...

I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk..

But I never got the chants.

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Assistant Gorilla Catcher Wanted

College kid on summer break was looking for a job to pick up some extra money. Saw the usual jobs being advertised until he came across a help wanted ad for assistant gorilla catcher. Intrigued he applied and was immediately hired. Boss said “we don’t get a lot of calls, but when we do we have to be...

Why did the Chicken want to join a rock band???

He was the only one with a set of drum sticks...

A new doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital

As they enter one ward, the nearest patient turns to him and says "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o' the pudden race!"

Before the doctor can react, the patient in the next bed adds "Wee sleekit cowerin' timorous beastie! O what a panic's in thy breastie!"

And not to ...

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Watched Good Will Hunting Recently and heard this.

So a plane is about to take off, and the first pilot does his typical announcements like "We'll be travelling at 35000 feet at a speed of...", you know, the whole routine. However, he forgets to turn off the microphone, so after the message, all the passengers hear him say to the co-pilot "You know ...

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