COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.

Reddit should rename 'share' to 'spreddit', 'delete' to 'shreddit' and 'karma' to 'creddit'.

Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.

I don't think women should be allowed to have kids after 40

40 kids is way too much by any standard!

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My grandad told this one to his friend and I kinda overheard it and knew where it should belong

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into ...

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

Stalin should have known that communism wouldn't work.

There were red flags everywhere.

Husband "the doctor said I should touch myself whenever I feel like it"

Wife "no, he said you could have a stroke at any time"

Fire alarms should just play Nickelback

Anyone who stays in the building deserves what they get.

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks

It cost me an arm and a leg!

China should have a cricket team.

They can take out the whole world with one bat

Those hedge funds should have known they'd lose money by shorting GME.

As for us Gamestop customers, we fully expect to sell something for $20 and have to spend $500 when we want to buy it back.

I read that I should treat my wife like I did on our first date...

...so tonight I'm dropping her off at her parents.

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?

” He said, “Try the ATM outside.”

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I should rename my penis "Snow"

So my wife can say she got an inch of snow last night.

I called Robinhood customer support to ask what I should do with my GME shares.

They said: “PLEASE HOLD.”

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Men born with large balls should do their best to behave modestly

Otherwise people will think they’re egotesticle

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The body’s organs were arguing over who should be in charge

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "I run all the body's systems, without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart , "I circulate oxygen and nutrients all over."

"No! I should be in charge," said the stomach, "I process the food that gives us energy."...

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

Why should you never ask a tailor how he's feeling?

Because he's always just sew sew.

Here is why you should never trust a sandwich

They are full of baloney

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

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A teenager got pregnant and the mom asked how it happened.

She said: "You told me that when Mike wants to unbutton my shirt and I don't have protection, I should tell him, 'Don't!'. And if he puts his hand in my pants, I should say, 'Stop!' "

The mom said, "Exactly."

Well, he was undoing the buttons, while his hand was in my pants. So I said,...

The 10th Fast and Furious film should be called....

Fast 10 Your Seat Belt.

As we left the restaurant, she whispered to me "We should have dinner again"

I said, "No thanks, I'm full"

How often should you put an orange slice in your beer?

Once, in a Blue Moon.

You should never get into a relationship with a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

Depressed people should stop feeling that they are a burden for other people

that’s our job

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"?

‟Over there by mine”, wasn‘t the answer I was expecting.

You should always knock on the fridge door before opening it

Just in case there's a salad dressing

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The only B word you should call a woman is beautiful

Because bitches love it when you call them beautiful

What song should every person hear before they die?

Happy Birthday

They should completely decriminalize weed.

Those who disagree should get stoned.

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She did what he said

The retiring mailman

The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave h...

How much should you tip your hitman?

At least double what their employer paid.

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A man scores a hot date

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.
The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his...

Personally I think you should start the day off with a meal of French mushrooms

...Breakfast of champignons

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

A tree says to another tree, her boyfriend, "I think we should break up"

The other tree: "why wood you do this"

I’m playing a videogame where my character is a ghost. The only path I can find leads to a dead end wall. What should I do?

Walkthrough

Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?

Because it’s two gross.

A guy sat next to me in the bus today and pulled out a photo of his wife.

He asked me “Ain’t she beautiful?”

I said “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife”

He replied with “ Why, is she a stunner as well?”

I said “ No, she’s an optician”


Credit: not mine but i can’t remember where I saw it

Why did the Karen scream at the cashier that buying a lot of something should decrease the total price?

She was trying to get a volume discount.

Why should you never crossbreed apples?

Because you might discover Granny's Cox Delicious.

I think there should be a vote recount.

It’ll be awesome to see Trump lose twice.

Ladies that eat Tide pods should be aware it could negatively affect their chances for a romantic relationship. Odds are likely that it will...

...detergents.

When I had dinner with my parents at a restaurant, they argued over whether we should get french fries of mashed potatoes to go with the steak. They asked me whom I agree with, but

I couldn't pick a side

I prayed for and was given a sign that I should give up drinking

It said STOP



It was under my bumper

At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?" The inmate responded, "It’s bec..."

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

Do you know why you should be wearing white on a funeral?

\#ffffff

People should not condemn recently blinded people.

It’s not their fault they are Neo-Not Sees.

Father to his young son: You should be ashamed. When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school.

Son responds: Really? Well, when he was your age, he was president.

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"A 45 minute nap should set me straight "

8 hours later : wakes up as a gay

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Reddit should make separate NSFW flairs for porn and gore..

I am tired of my boners getting ruined by those sexy ladies.

A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"

"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three...

Why should you never shake an Italian's hand?

Cause they are already shaking parmesan.

Q: Why should you only put 239 beans in bean soup?

A: Cuz one more will make it "too farty!"

If I you ever become a ghost and want to start an airline company, what should you call it?

Booing Incorporealated.

My friend works for the telephone company, repairing fiber optic cables. I've told him he should wear eye protection when working on lit cables, because the laser energy can cause permanent eye injury.

He said he would look into it.

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Why should you only exercise on Saturday and Sunday?

Because the other days are weak days.

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!"and hung up.

Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?" And his lovely wife replies, "I don't have any idea who it was. It was some stupid woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, ...

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of Congress

You should get the Kansas City Vaccine

Then you won’t catch anything.

What should you feed a ghost to make them happy?

Goulash

GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a Detective. I think we should split up.

Me:

Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.

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I suggested to my girlfriend that we should try anal..

"Fuck that shit!" She said.

"That's The spirit!'. I replied.

They said we should’ve seen the pandemic coming.

Hindsight is 2020

On the way to a teacher convention the pilot makes an announcement, before taking off I should tell you that the plane has been made by your students

All the teachers throw themselves out the door as quick as possible except one, the pilot puzzled comes closer and asks him:

- do you trust that much your students?

- Of course, the teacher answers with a peaceful voice, I'm pretty sure the plane won't even start.

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My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order

I probably should've stopped when I got to her name

Since Facebook claims ownership of everything you post on their website

I think I should start uploading my bills.

The position of 69 should be replaced by 96.

With the economy as it is, the cost of eating out has gone up.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

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(nsfw) Why should you only ever have sex with hookers with one hand?

It's the only sure way not to get the clap.

Trump complains so much about being oppressed and degraded that he should make his own show and call it...

Orange is the New Black.

Who should be blamed for the cold streak in Texas?

The Texans -
League championships (0)
Conference championships (0)

A man tells his Rabbi: "I have a deep desire to live forever. What should I do?"

Rabbi: "Go and get married"

Man: "That's it? How will that allow me to live forever?"

Rabbi: "It won't, but your desire will go away."

A blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work She knocks on one door and an older man opens it up. "Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?"

He looks her up and down and surmises that she's an idiot whom he can take advantage of.

"I'll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There's paint, brushes, ladders and everything you'll need next to the car in the garage."

"Sure, sounds great!"

The man closes the door, ch...

My grandma always told me « anything you do, should be done one leg after another »,

she never wanted to admit she just suck at hopscotch.

Why should every starter house come with a cat?

Because you can’t spell homeowner without “meow”

What kind of flour should you use to make a cake for a cat?

All purr-puss flour.

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My girlfriend was disgusted when she found out I masturbate with barbecue sauce as lube. I asked her what I should use instead...

She recommended I start with a dry rub.

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What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?

Whatever she wants. He's sleeping

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Driver: damn good point *turns off headlights*

Passenger: what are you doing it’s dark

Driver: chill the other cars have them on

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not ...

Why should you always bring your own cup to a spy's tea party?

Their cups are always chipped.

Trust me you should never punch rocks

I found out the hard way

Why should you never trust an acupuncturist?

They always stab you in the back.

My mum told me, when I visit grandma in hospital, I should take her flowers.

So, when grandma wasn't looking, I took them.

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Women should think of the Penis like they should cars. They should be able to get from A to B on a daily basis, as safe and efficiently as possible, be easy to park in the garage without using the mirrors, and come with a load of kids if needed.

That being said, it is also nice to get a big black stretch limo for her birthday to make her feel special.

Dairy Queen should have had a Harry Potter promotion.

You're a blizzard Dairy.

An engineer dies

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvem...

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Why should you always keep a chronic masturbater nearby?

He comes in handy.

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My eyes doctor told me if i ever get a double-vision i should come immediately,

Bu I don't see how does masturbating can help fix my eyes.

My wife told me I should shave my beard.

A few months ago, I would have maybe agreed with her, but now it has really grown on me.

Reddit's logo should be a bit more green.

To symbolize the amount of reused and recycled content.

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Unexpectedly, an artist's wife started having sex with him every day.

Though quite unusual, he didn't question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride.

One day, his wife approached him. "Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What should I draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her,...

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Angry I paid top dollar for a session with a sex therapist - only to be told I need to masturbate more.

I should have just taken matters into my own hands instead.

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

If you want to learn constellations, you should learn how to identify Ursa Minor...

- at a bear minimum

Why should you never fight a dinosaur?

You would get jurasskicked.

A good speech should be like a woman's skirt;

long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.

If we want Congress to agree we should just replace the people with horses

Sure the neighs would carry every vote. But hay, at least the housing market would be stable.


I'll show myself out

Why should you never buy Russian underwear?

Because Chernobyl fallout.

An old married couple is in church one Sunday when the woman turns to her husband and says, “I’ve just let out a really long, silent fart. What should I do?”

The husband turns back to her and says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”

How much Turkey should I buy?

I need enough for 12 people and maybe 2 police officers

You should always upvote a joke about Peter Pan, even if you have heard it before.

It never gets old.

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People tell me we should be preserving endangered species.

But you offer someone a jar of your pickled panda and they lose their shit.

My dating coach told me I should suck in my cheeks to look more attractive.

It didn’t work and ended up giving me a wedgie.

My dad showed me a thirty minute PowerPoint on why one should always wear a condom

It was just pictures of me

As a doctor, I know I should never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.

But let me give it a shot.

We should start calling new jokes as modern jokes

Like modern art if no one is getting it then it is a hit.

I think stimulus checks should also extend to all waterfowl.

Because ducks have bills too, you know.

After the COVID-19 pandemic winds down, we should honor truck drivers with a national holiday on October 4th.

A big 10-4, if you will.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

What should you do if you are addicted to seaweed?

Sea-kelp

America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.

Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.

Before our marriage when my wife told me that she’s a cat person, I should have realized that...

..... for the rest of my life she’s gonna sit on the other side of the bed & ignore me all day.

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but si...

A week after my wife went missing, the police told me that I should expect the worst case scenario.

So I went back to the charity shop and retrieved all her old clothes.

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A young kid from Alabama moves to New York

He goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
He sits down, greets the manager and shakes his hand.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid replies, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Alabama"
They talk and get acquainted and the...

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If you play FPS games this will make sense. Should be original.

A man goes online and finds two of his mate playing COD:Warzone with a guy he doesn't know. He asks them what his name is and he guy says proudly in a French Accent "Zey call me ze Wanker". He is a bit dubious but his friends insist he is pretty good.

So they play the battle royal mode, and W...

Hooters should start a delivery service

called Knockers.

Oh, you’re dyslexic? You should join the DNS

The national dyslexia society!

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After 15 years of marriage, the husband suggests to his wife that they should invent a little code for when she wants sex so he doesn't have to read her mind at bedtime.

Laying in bed one night he says "So, if you want sex, pull my dick once, if you don't want sex, pull my dick one hundred and sixty-nine times."

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

You know how we should rename makeawish?

Final fantasy

A Protestant missionary is in India trying to convert Hindus to Christianity

He teaches a Hindu man about Christianity and gives him a Bible.

He comes back a week later and sees a picture of the pope among all the other gods at the man's house.

"Why do you have a picture of the pope there?"

"Isn't he the reincarnation of Jesus?"

The missionary tol...

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

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Some people have said that those who participated in the insurrection yesterday at the U.S. Capital should be thrown into a deep, dark hole.

But I believe they mean well.

Banks should really do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled.

I went to four different ones today and they all said "Insufficient Funds"

A Husband and Wife at Custody court

The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.


Judge: “why do you think you deserve custody of the child?”


Ex wife: “I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him”


Judge: “that is a simple yet good reason.”


Then the judge looks towards the...

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My dad told me I should fuck both of you.

Dad and Son in the lving room when dad feet’s get cold. ‟Get my slippers from upstairs”. While upstairs he sees two of his sisters friends so he goes up to both of them, ‟My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you”. ‟you are lying”, OK I’ll prove it ‟Dad, did you say both of them?”
...

Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

Thanks to the advance of science, a 75 years old lady got pregnant and had a baby.
When she returned home with the baby from the Maternity Ward, her friends went to visit her.
“Where is the baby? Let’s see him!” Said her friends.
-“Wait for a while””. I’ll show him to you later”.
Half ...

Today should be a holiday honoring all the truckers who have kept America going during the Covid epidemic.

A big 10-4, if you will.

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I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

My husband commented on the new store that is being built nearby: “That’s a nice looking Aldi!”

I told him it just looks like Aldi others.

...

Sorry y’all. It’s been such a bad day, and this little exchange my hubby and I had earlier had us both laughing probably more than we should have. Hope it makes one of you out there smile too.

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Five Surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside...

We should add a leap second to December 31st 2020

Just to make people watching the live clock think for a split second that the year will never end

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Why should you ask an anti-masker to make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

Because they are a super spreader!

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Lawyers should never ask a Virginia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big d...

Why should we wash our hands?

Because it's my cake day and I'm sharing. Wash your hands and grab some

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