UPJOKE
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Should Jokes

I told myself I should stop drinking...

But I'm not going to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.

When Tom Hanks writes his memoir it should be called...

'T. Hanks - For the Memories'

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I think we should stop turning normal names like "Karen" into slurs

It's a real Dick move.

Robert Kennedy Junior is running to become US President, and I think Americans should give him a shot.

And a couple of boosters, just to be sure.

Should we adopt a universal language?

A) Yes

B) Tidak

C) nuk e di

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International women’s day should not be used as an excuse for sexist jokes

Period.

I met a girl at a bar and we went back to hers and started making out on the sofa, she gave me a cheeky look and said ''I think we should take this upstairs''

Ok, I said, you carry one end and I'll get the other, be careful getting through the doorframe and we'll come back down for the cushions.

I don't think women should have kids after 35

That's just too many kids.

What should you do if your Girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and apply some lubrication.

My friend just gave me a presentation on why I should invest in his sword making business.

He made some excellent points.

A dog walks into a bar and says, “a beer, please.” The bartender says, “wow, you should be in the circus.”

The dog says:

_Why!? Do they need electricians?_

We should really thank the guy who invented Venetian blinds

Without him it would be curtains for us all.

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?

Because a toothbrush works better.

What is one catch phrase that a condom manufacturing company should never use?

Tried and Tested!

Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that…..

“This conversation will be recorded for training and quality purposes.”

My wife was upset that the dog was considered man's best friend. She maintains that a spouse should be considered my best friend.

So I locked them both in the trunk of my car and drove around for twenty minutes. Guess which one was happiest to see me when I let them out?

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By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned." [Leviticus 20:13 esv]

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The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild:

The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild:
Since he was a chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Never...

What body part should you never move on the dance floor?

Your bowels

The Pope dies and stands before the Gates of Heaven.

He knocks and St. Peter opens the Gate.

St.Peter:"Yes?? How can i help you??"

Pope:"I wanna speak with God."

St.Peter:"And you are ???"

Pope frustrated:"Im the Pope!!!"

St. Peter:"Doesnt ring a bell."

Pope very angry:"I DEMAND TO SPEAK WITH GOD!!!"

St...

I got my STD test back today, It says "50". Should I be worried?

On the Bright side, My IQ test came positive.

I should really take the Violin more seriously.

Right now it's just something I fiddle with.

I asked the gym trainer what type of machine i should use to get the best looking women

He said the ATM outside

People really should have known what was going to happen with Communism

There were so many red flags

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Why should you never masturbate in an elevator?

Because it’s wrong on so many levels.

A mom decided to clean her teenage boy's room and she discovered a bunch of bondage & S&M gear - whips, handcuffs and stuff. She asked her husband what she should do about it and he replied...

"Probably not spanking him"

The SEC Office of the Whistlerblower should get a new marketing slogan

Snitches get Riches.

I think EA should make a game about the maritime shipping industry

EA Ports

My girlfriend said we should split up.

When I asked why, she responded “I’m just not in a good state right now” so I responded, “Utah?”

What golf club should I use?

A golfer said to his caddy, “do you think I can get to the green using my 5 iron?”
The caddy sighs and replies “Eventually, sir.”

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker club bar

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you t...

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The Pope said pets should not replace children in Italy

I guess he doesn't like priests practicing beastiality

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A dirty joke told by 85yo grandpa to the whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at...

The world's richest man is dying...

The world's richest man is dying. He has made peace with that.

But what is bothering him so much is that no one in the afterlife will even know that he has amassed such a colossal personal fortune. On Earth, everyone knows he's a self-made man who built this huge fortune from scratch, but he...

Millennials being the first generation to grow up online should have been called Gen-E

But Forrest Gump ruined it for us

Should you tie or stitch your loose ends?

Maybe sew maybe knot!

Albert Einstein walks into a bar

He sits down and the bartender asks what he wants. He says "2 beers, one for me and one for the stool next to me".



The bartender pours 2 beers and asks, "are you waiting for someone?"


Albert says "No, but there is a chance that quantum fluctuations could align themselves ...

They should end soccer games with an art competition.

That way it would be win, lose or draw.

I suppose we should have seen the Newton-Leibniz conflict coming.

Calculus has always been derivative

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My friend asked me if he should take Viagra.

I urged him to think long and hard before taking it.

A man skipped church to go hunting...

A man skipped church to go hunting. While in the woods, he got chased by a bear and climbed a tree to get away. Unfortunately, the bear started climbing after him (as bears do). The man started to pray: "Lord, I know I should not have skipped church, but please make this a Christian bear!" Just the...

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.

"Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: "Hey, ther...

I told the architect that the pool should be 6 feet deep

But he was working in metric and just couldn't fathom it

Vladimir Putin is speaking with his advisors...

"I think when the war is over Russia should become a Kingdom".

"Sir," one of his advisors speaks out, "only a King may lead a Kingdom."

"Very well, Russia shall become an Empire" Putin replies.

Again his advisor speaks out, "only an Emperor can rule over an Empire."

Putin...

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My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.

In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.
As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel... you know how to fish."

Two men die and go to heaven, St. Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates

"Gentlemen," he says, "I'm very sorry, but your condos aren't ready yet, so I can send you back to Earth for a few days in whatever form you wish."

"Well," the first man says, "I always thought I'd like to be an eagle soaring majestically over the Grand Canyon."

"And I'd like to be a r...

When I make a pizza for a bar customer I always ask them if I should cut it into six pieces or eight

Because some people aren't hungry enough to eat eight pieces. That joke isn't very funny. I guess pizza jokes are all about the delivery.

Pride month should really be moved to August...

Because pride cometh before the Fall

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Two priests (NSFW)(long)

Two priests were driving in a car during a pouring rainstorm when they got a flat tire. They got out to change the tire, but just as they started a man pulled up and said "Father, you should wait in the car where it's dry. I'll change the tire for you."

The priest agreed but told the man to m...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver replies, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting, the driver's wife says, "Now don't be silly, dear. You know that this car doesn't have cruise...

My wife suggested that to spice things up in the bedroom, we should try the "other hole"

I said "no way", don't want her getting pregnant again.

I just watched a documentary on marijuana.

I think all documentaries should be watched this way.

What should Ukrainian soldiers paint on captured Russian tanks?

Ctrl-

You should never remove ice from your windshield with a discount card

It only takes off 20%

Squirrels and Religion

Squirrels and Religion

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.



At...

Three women are sick of their boss always leaving work early on a Tuesday One Tuesday, they all agree to wait 20 minutes after the boss has left, then sneak out themselves - their boss would never know.

The brunette left and decided to go shopping.

The redhead decided to hit the gym before meeting some friends for drinks.

The blonde decided to go home and surprise her husband, but when she arrive home she heard noises in the bedroom. She slowly walked up, peaked through the door, and ...

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Classic Catholic Joke, “The Son of a Bitch”

I’ve been Catholic all of my life, and this is one of my favorite jokes of all time.

One of the parish priests from the Cathedral went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish & proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the ...

What should you never ask an atom?

Do a split!

I got a picture of my girlfriend sleeping with another man, followed an hour later by a message saying "April Fools!"

I should stop falling for that, it's the fourth time this month.

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One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM : “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school.”

SON : “But why, Mama? I don’t want to go to school.”

MOM : “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go to school.”

SON : “One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me.”

MOM : “Oh! that’s not a reason. Come...

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door."

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.

"Can I help you?"

"Could you give me a push?" asks the drunk man.

"Hell no, and besides you are drunk" and slams the doo...

A boy is born with just a head.

A boy is born with just a head. No neck, body, arms or legs. His parents love him, and vow to give him a life like any other child.

The boy lives a fulfilling and miraculous life, and when he turns 18, his father takes him to a bar for his first pint of beer.

The boy takes his first ...

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

\[EDIT\]: Wow I can't believe the amount of people who would want to make it a reality. *Netflix if your seeing this post you know what to do.*

**If you want, you may follow this post - I may update it in the future if something exciting happens.** <...

Why should you never tell a chemistry joke?

Because you won’t get a reaction.

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