UPJOKE
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Should Jokes

I don't think women should have kids after 35

That's just too many kids.

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I think we should stop turning normal names like "Karen" into slurs

It's a real Dick move.

China should have a cricket team.

They can take out the whole world with one bat

I told myself I should stop drinking...

But I'm not going to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.

When Tom Hanks writes his memoir it should be called...

'T. Hanks - For the Memories'

COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.

The 10th Fast and Furious film should be called....

Fast 10 Your Seat Belt.

Malaysian Airlines and United should merge

That way they can beat their passengers and no one will ever find out.

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International women’s day should not be used as an excuse for sexist jokes

Period.

An essay should be like a skirt.

Long enough to cover everything but short enough to keep your attention.

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What should you reply when a bully asks you ''Why are you so fat?

Everytime i fuck your mom she gives me a cookie.

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Reddit should add separate NSFW tags for gore and porn

I'm so tired of my boners being ruined by these hot ladies.

They should build the wall with Hillary's emails

Because nobody can get over them.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and possibly use lubricant

Reddit should rename 'share' to 'spreddit', 'delete' to 'shreddit' and 'karma' to 'creddit'.

Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.

Should English be the only official language of the EU?

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

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We should send sex offenders to storm Area 51

Alien Vs Predator

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

\[EDIT\]: Wow I can't believe the amount of people who would want to make it a reality. *Netflix if your seeing this post you know what to do.*

**If you want, you may follow this post - I may update it in the future if something exciting happens.** <...

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My dad told me I should fuck both of you.

Dad and Son are in the living room when dad feet's get cold. "Get my slippers from upstairs" He says.

While upstairs he sees two of his sisters friends so he goes up to both of them, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you".

"You're lying" they retort.

Okay, I'll ...

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My therapist told me I should second guess myself less

[Edited]

I really think OSHA should make an OnlyFans account

They're some of the leading experts in NSFW content after all

What is one catch phrase that a condom manufacturing company should never use?

Tried and Tested!

If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

**Ag**stralia

Why should you always post jokes in American English?

They can reach a wider audience.

Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment.

They are already experts at recycling.

They should stock ATM's better.

I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds.

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?

Inmate: It’s bec..

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Driver: damn good point *turns off headlights*

Passenger: what are you doing it’s dark

Driver: chill the other cars have them on

What should Ukrainian soldiers paint on captured Russian tanks?

Ctrl-

What should happen to the person who invented Knock Knock jokes?

They should get a No-Bell prize. :)

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,

and name it ElonGates.

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I asked my wife if I should watch football or porn.

She told me to watch porn because I already know how to play football.

Reddit's logo should be a bit more green.

To symbolize the amount of reused and recycled content.

My friend just gave me a presentation on why I should invest in his sword making business.

He made some excellent points.

My wife was upset that the dog was considered man's best friend. She maintains that a spouse should be considered my best friend.

So I locked them both in the trunk of my car and drove around for twenty minutes. Guess which one was happiest to see me when I let them out?

My daughter just told me this and it made me laugh more than it should have...

Teacher: What was that noise?

Student: Sorry, my jacket fell on the floor.

Teacher: Why was it so loud?

Student: Because I was wearing it when it fell.

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?

Because a toothbrush works better.

You should respect people who wear glasses.

They paid money to see you.

After the COVID-19 pandemic winds down, we should honor truck drivers with a national holiday on October 4th.

A big 10-4, if you will.

America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.

Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.

On this day, when we Americans storm Area 51, you Europeans should storm the Vatican Archives

We'll take on the aliens, you'll take on the predators.

We should’ve known communism would fail.

There were a lot of red flags.

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"?

"Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.

She gave me a hug.

What should you do if you are addicted to seaweed?

Sea-kelp

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of congress.

I asked the gym trainer what type of machine i should use to get the best looking women

He said the ATM outside

There should be a millennial edition of Monopoly

[Removed]

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

Elderly couple in church. Wife turns to husband and says "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?"

Husband says "put new batteries in your hearing aid."

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My wife has been cheating on me and in hindsight I should have seen it coming

For the past couple months we'd barely talked at all. Our jobs had been super stressful and it made things tense. When she'd ask how my day was, I'd tersely reply "it sucked" or "you don't want to know."

When I asked her how her day had been she'd say "They fucked me at work again"

Should we adopt a universal language?

A) Yes

B) Tidak

C) nuk e di

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”

“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”

"Proud Boys" should change their name, to avoid being tied to PRIDE events...

... to something like "Reigning Men."

My girlfriend said we should split up.

When I asked why, she responded “I’m just not in a good state right now” so I responded, “Utah?”

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner....

Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean...

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The only "b" word a girl should be called is beautiful

Bitches love being called beautiful

If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"

Credit to my friend Chris

Should you take ivermectin for Covid?

Neigh

I think there should be a vote recount.

It’ll be awesome to see Trump lose twice.

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

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ME: "We should make a sextape."

G.FRIEND: "You finish so fast, it would be a GIF."

Which drug should dinosaurs never take?

A steroid.

No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II.

I mean, there were red flags everywhere.

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain...

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

I met a girl at a bar and we went back to hers and started making out on the sofa, she gave me a cheeky look and said ''I think we should take this upstairs''

Ok, I said, you carry one end and I'll get the other, be careful getting through the doorframe and we'll come back down for the cushions.

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My grandad told this one to his friend and I kinda overheard it and knew where it should belong

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into ...

Stupid one liners everyone should know

I'll start: I recently sold my vaccum. It was just collecting dust.

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

My wife told me I should stop drinking wood alcohol.

But I don't see the problem.

People really should have known what was going to happen with Communism

There were so many red flags

My wife suggested that to spice things up in the bedroom, we should try the "other hole"

I said "no way", don't want her getting pregnant again.

If you feel the Bern you should vote for Bernie Sanders

That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it

The whole world should be worried if North Korea has a missile that can hit New York...

...because if it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

Gabe Newell should be president

That way we'd never have WW3.

My wife and I had two miscarriages last year, and I believe there should be more jokes about miscarriages so we talk about it more...

The only problem is most of the jokes die before you finish delivering them.

—————————————————————

*The title of the post is true and humor is how I deal with my pain*

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

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It the event of a fire, what steps should you take?

Fucking large ones.

My wife told me we should split up because I keep pretending to be a detective

I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way

“Doctor, I intend to not vaccinate my son. Should I take any precautions?”

“Yes. Don’t get too attached to him”.

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

We should let Netflix run the next pandemic…

…they don’t let anything last more than three seasons.

A dog walks into a bar and says, “a beer, please.” The bartender says, “wow, you should be in the circus.”

The dog says:

_Why!? Do they need electricians?_

what should you do if you're addicted to sea weed

Sea kelp

In the 1970s, my father had this rule: "Children should be seen and not heard".

Yesterday, he had a heart attack and I did not call for an ambulance. I just stood there in full view.

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Why should you never masturbate in an elevator?

Because it’s wrong on so many levels.

I should really take the Violin more seriously.

Right now it's just something I fiddle with.

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My Girlfriend assured me that a small penis should never be an issue in a loving relationship..

But I still wish she didn't have one at all.

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Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"what's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that yo...

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All the organs were deciding who should be the boss....

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "I run all the body's systems, without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart , "I circulate oxygen and nutrients all over."

"No! I should be in charge," said the stomach, "I process the food that gives us energy."...

I think we should ban pre-shredded cheese.

Make America grate again.

We should get all the ex-USSR states back together

Then we could have a Soviet re-Union

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His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but...

Robert Kennedy Junior is running to become US President, and I think Americans should give him a shot.

And a couple of boosters, just to be sure.

Honda should make a car called the “Huff.”

That way you can leave in a Huff.

Why should you never race a Muslim during Ramadan?

They *fast* during Ramadan!

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My doctor said I should jerk off when ever I want

Girlfriend: "No, he said you could have a stroke at anytime.."

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”

He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

Why should you knock on a refrigerator door before opening it?

In case there’s a salad dressing

Why should you never hire a skeleton army?

They have no skin in the game

Why should you never fight a dinosaur?

Because you'll get jurasskicked.

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

What should you never ask an atom?

Do a split!

They say you should test your fire alarm once a month...

But it's costing me a fortune in houses!

Growing up, my dad said we should treat him like a god...

...so we pretty much ignored him until we were sick, hurt, or broke.

Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?

Because OJ will kill you.

Windows should pay my laptop

It's always working on updates.

Why should you never remove the shell from your racing snail?

It will make him sluggish.

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My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.

I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.

a good girl should be like a sun, she should light up your life and..

Go down on you everyday.

You should always bring two pairs of pants golfing.

Just in case you get a hole in one.

What should Steve Irwin worn the day he died?

Sunscreen. Know why..?
Because it protects you from harmful rays.

why should you never make fun of a fat girl with a lisp?

Cause she's probably thick and tired of it

Why should you never sleep with a whale?

They always like to Humpback

Why should you never date a sommelier?

Because they never stop wining!

My wife told me, “I think the kids are old enough. You should give them ‘the talk’ on drugs.”

Me: No problem, but I don’t make much sense when I’m high.

Cigarette warnings should also include how dangerous it is just going to purchase a package...

My dad left 19 years ago to buy some and he still hasn't made it back.

February 10th should be National Fart Day.

Because it's 2/10.

I always thought Americans should say "B".

Because Canadians say "Eh", and Mexicans say "Ci".

I am writing a book about the things I should be doing in life.

It’s an oughttobiography.

As a doctor, I know I should never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.

But let me give it a shot.

What golf club should I use?

A golfer said to his caddy, “do you think I can get to the green using my 5 iron?”
The caddy sighs and replies “Eventually, sir.”

When my music teacher heard me sing, she said I should be tenor.

Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.

What should you say to your sister when she's crying?

Are you having a crysis?

What should you tell an English politician who's badly sunburnt?

Aloe, gov'na

Elderly folks looking for love should considering targeting archeologists.

They tend to date really old things.

Some races are inferior and should be eliminated

No offense, I just don't enjoy Nascar.

You should be concerned if your kid wants to take up bobsleigh

It’s a slippery slope I tell you

We should really thank the guy who invented Venetian blinds

Without him it would be curtains for us all.

You should never run with scissors...

And conversely, you should never scissor with the runs.

You should never get into a relationship with a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that…..

“This conversation will be recorded for training and quality purposes.”

If a Ghost Rider should be called Daredevil, and Daredevil should be called Batman, what should Batman be called?

Inspector Gadget

Should have seen it coming Jesus!

Judas: still on for Friday?

Jesus: Friday?

Judas: yeah, the last supper

Jesus: the what?

Judas: supper, normal supper with the fellas

I don't think women should be allowed to have kids after 40

40 kids is way too much by any standard!

Which Pokemon in-game item should you never give to your Trans friends?

And Ether. It restores pp...

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An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

I read that I should treat my wife like I did on our first date...

...so tonight I'm dropping her off at her parents.

Husband "the doctor said I should touch myself whenever I feel like it"

Wife "no, he said you could have a stroke at any time"

Me: I don’t think we should see each other anymore.

Her: Please stop saying that every time you switch off the lights at night.

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Now that Harvey Weinstein's career in Hollywood is over, he should move to Houston.

Houston is used to getting fucked by Harvey.

My doctor told me I should avoid trans fats

So I've just deleted my Tumblr.

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My life should be perfect!

I mean, come on. I get free food and housing, nice orange clothes, and sex every day! But I still hate it.

...Man, I can't wait to get out of prison...

Should you tie or stitch your loose ends?

Maybe sew maybe knot!

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