UPJOKE
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An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife on his phone, and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”

He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

I was getting a prostate exam and asked my doctor where I should put my pants

He said "in the corner, next to mine."

i told my girlfriend yesterday, she should learn to embrace her mistakes

she seemed very content, because she instantly hugged me.

What should be the punishment of bigamy?

Two mothers-in-law

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There should be an emergency room just for embarrassing injuries so you don't have to feel judged. Just Genitals and Buttholes.

Call it the Pee/Nut/Butt ER

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

\[EDIT\]: Wow I can't believe the amount of people who would want to make it a reality. *Netflix if your seeing this post you know what to do.*

**If you want, you may follow this post - I may update it in the future if something exciting happens.** <...

After hearing me sing, my music teacher said that I should be tenor.

Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.

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Your body parts are arguing about who should be in charge.

One day the different parts of the body were having an
argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most
important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you
know where we are, so I'm the m...

"Proud Boys" should change their name, to avoid being tied to PRIDE events...

... to something like "Reigning Men."

What should you do if you can’t afford to fix your A/C?

Start using only fans!

Thanks, I’ll see myself out!

Jesus, Chuck Norris and the Pope are sitting in a boat in the middle of a lake.

They decide to get to the shore, so Jesus leaves the boat first and walks over the water to the shore.

Chuck Norris leaves second and also walks over the water to the shore.

The Pope, being baffled, also tries to take a step out of the boat but immediately falls in, so he has to swim t...

I was on the fence whether I should buy Office 365 and consulted my Magic 8-Ball and it said

Outlook not good!

I should have suspected my husband was lazy; on our wedding day, his mother told me:

"I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

How to help your local politician qualify for a mental asylum

A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks "How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?"

"Well," says the director, "We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible."
<...

What kind of drug should dinosaurs never take?

A steroid.

I told my wife she should embrace her mstakes...

She gave me a hug.

Stuck on a crossword.. “according to the saying, these should be seen but not heard” 8 letters, starts with a C.

I got it, Coldplay.

Why should you never trust trees?

They’re shady

What's the only red flag you should never worry about?

Switzerland's, because it's a big plus

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Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

“Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“United!” exclaimed the ...

A Suggestion to Reddit HQ

Reddit should rename 'share' to 'spreddit', 'delete' to 'shreddit' and 'karma' to 'creddit'. Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.

Why should you wear glasses when doing maths?

Because they help with division.

why should you never make fun of a fat girl with a lisp?

Cause she's probably thick and tired of it

Why should you knock on a refrigerator door before opening it?

In case there’s a salad dressing

Before you judge a person you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way when you do judge them you're a mile away with their shoes.

Why should you never talk to pi?

Because it will go on forever.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away wit...

June 1st should always be known as the Norman Osborn Day

Because it marks the end of May.

They should make all bras wireless

it's 2022....i really don't think you still have to plug them in to charge.

Should you get a Nissan or a Honda?

Altima-tely I'll leave it to your own Accord

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... There is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us...

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

Instead of calling it an abortion, they should call it a Digiorno.....

it's Not delivery, it's Digiorno

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

Maybe I should have put more mustard on my cheeseburger

In Heinz sight, I should have added more ketchup

Why should you never upset your oven

It might get too heated

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A sadist, a masochist, a zoophile, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a serial killer are having a stroll in the park.

This merry band of weirdoes and deviants are getting a bit bored. Then the zoophile whispers: "Oooh, I know what we should do. Let's catch a cat!"

The sadist nods approvingly: "Yes! Let's catch a cat... and let's torture it!"

The serial killer licks the blade of his knife, and chimes i...

A melon tells the another melon that they should run away and get married

The second melon sighs and says we cantaloupe

I should make a bread company called Jesus' Body

The bread is free so I can sit back and watch the profits rise.

Why should you never give Elsa a balloon?

Because she'll let it go.

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Defective Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Sheesh. I wonder what happened to this poor Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy smokes!" the guy replies. "You ...

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my son came to me and asked, dad whats a clitoris?

I answered:

Damn son you should have asked me that yesterday, it was on the tip of my tongue!

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A young boy, a doctor, and an old man were on an airplane with Putin.

Suddenly, the pilot runs in and cries, "The plane is going down and we only have 4 parachutes but 5 people," as he runs to the back. The pilot then takes a parachute and jumps out of the aircraft.

Immediately, Putin grabs the nearest parachute, says, "I have a war I must win," and hops off t...

A group of 40-year-old blokes who were having a reunion discussed where they should meet for dinner.

Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there had low cut blouses and were very young.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should mee...

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My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."

"Stop eating caterpillars!"

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Reddit should add separate NSFW tags for gore and porn

I'm so tired of my boners being ruined by these hot ladies.

I think we should stop making jokes about fat people

They obviously have enough on their plate already

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel

You should see the faces my dates make when I tell them I'm a bus driver

The pastor asked a little girl why one should remain quiet in church

The little girl replied 'because everyone is sleeping.'

Do you know what Gaslighting is?

You should, we talked about this last week.

Warner Bros should create a Harry Potter spinoff series based on the life of Hermione Granger.

They should name it Granger Things.

All world leaders should be women!

Instead of going to war, they would just stop talking to each other.

Why should you never write with a dull pencil?

Because it's pointless.

Joseph Stalin Is Bored

To amuse himself he has a great idea.
He decides to disguise himself and circulate amongst his people and find out what they really think of him.

He organises a job at the local factory and starts work there.
He starts chatting with one of the workers, and they agree to eat their lunch ...

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Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manage...

I was seeing this girl and we were making out on her sofa, she said I think we should take this upstairs.......

I said ok you get that end, I'll get this end and we'll come back downstairs for the cushions.

I’m told that I should speak to people as if tomorrow is their last day alive

But apparently yelling, “if you screw up tomorrows order I’m gonna kill you!” at the barista gets you banned from Starbucks for life.

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you t...

Why should you never date a tennis player?

Because love means nothing to them

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uni...

Was listening to this radio host about how guys should express their feminine side a bit more..

So I wrote it down on piece of paper and threw it in my purse

Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches...

When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, you've had enough.

The NFL should start showing Dallas Cowboys games on the history channel

Because their fans always love to talk about the past

My wife put her hand on my leg, winked at me, and told me to spice things up we should try some role-reversal in the bedroom tonight. I thought it was a great idea.

So I told her I had a headache, turned off the light, rolled over and went right to sleep.

2 blind men were having a fight

2 blind men were having a fight, you should have seen their faces when I called out ‘’My money is on the one with the knife’’

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An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turn...

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What should you reply when a bully asks you ''Why are you so fat?

Everytime i fuck your mom she gives me a cookie.

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Is buttcheek one word . . .

Or should I spread it apart?

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I have got a serious problem.

My girlfriend and my sister have a same name, that made my life into a living hell. Whenever we are making love in bed and she's about to orgasm, she wants me to yell her name; but it make me uneasy quiet a lot. Because doing it reminds me of my girlfriend. What should I do?

Where should you go in the room if you’re feeling cold?

The corner—they’re usually 90 degrees.

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My mother told me I should always treat the janitor with the same level of respect I show to my CEO

That's how I started sucking the janitors cock.

A naked police officer came to work

A naked police officer came to work and his commander, shocked, asked him: "why did you come naked?"
The police officer said: "There was a party last night I attended. At 00:00 all lights went off and we were in the dark. All of a sudden a voice said that all females should undress. You could h...

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Jack Russle and Great Dane at the vets...

A Jack Russell and a Great Dane are in the waiting room at a vets...

JR: "Why are you here ?"

GD: "Fuck off."

JR: "No, come on, let's be friendly, we're both dogs, we don't want to be here, we should support each other,"

GD: "<sigh>"

JR: "I'll tell you why I'...

You should respect people who wear glasses.

They paid money to see you.

What should you do when you come across a bear in the woods?

>!Back slowly away while apologizing to the bear. Offer him a towel to wipe off.!<

My ex should be a geologist

She keeps on digging up the past

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Your penis is just like your signature

You should be very careful where you put it

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Aliens invade earth

A flying saucer comes down one day. A group of heavily armed, green-skinned extraterrestrials disembark carrying enormous weapons.

One opens his mouth and announces "Greetings Earthlings! You have 72 hours to bring us your world leader! If he finds favor in our eyes, you will be spared. If ...

Why should you never race a Muslim during Ramadan?

They *fast* during Ramadan!

Schools should teach useful things such as parenting skills to children.

Okay, that's not a good idea. Children will immediately realize that they have bad parents.

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

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Man goes to a doctor: “Doc, I want to live forever what should I do?”

The doctor thinks for a moment then asks the man do you drink?
I have a beer or two after work says the man.
OK from now on, no more drinking, ever, not even on your birthday.
Oh that sounds hard, says the man, but OK.
Do you smoke? The doctor asks.
Very little, I hav...

I should really think about becoming a tightrope walker

Even the bank says my balance is outstanding!

A 'your mom' joke, from around year zero, ancient Rome:

"The Emperor Augustus was touring the Empire, when he noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself.

"Intrigued he asked: 'Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?'

"'No your Highness,' he replied, 'but my father was.'"


(I recently found ...

According to the instructions, you should always play “The Golden Eye” when you are about to make a microwave dinner.

The package says , “Pierce film before cooking.”

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After my wife and I consummated our marriage during the honeymoon, she sat me down to address the first speed bump of our lifelong commitment. "Darling I know this is something men are very sensitive about, but really, having a small penis should never ruin the love between spouses."

She's absolutely right, but you know... I still wish she didn't have one

A research paper should be like a women's skirt.

Short enough to keep my attention, but long enough to cover the subject.

A Russian man asks his friend if he should get married and have a family, or join the army

The friend says:

"Vanya, if you get married, then all hope is lost.

"Now, if you join the army, you have two options: either you live or you die. If you live, then all hope is lost.

"If you die, you have two options: either you die on the Ukrainian side of the border or the Russ...

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Duck joke

So, you're in a bar and want to have a bit of fun and impress someone.

While you're leading up to this, you should take a bar napkin and rip it in into little 1" squares. Make a fist, and stick the squares in the middle of it.

So then you say to the person you're going to impress, "How...

My wife said I should stop making stupid puns and take her abortion more seriously.



I won't let this d-fetus.

Why should you carry french fries with you when walking your dog on a cold day?

French fries go well with chili dogs

«I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?»

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "My friend is sleeping with...

My wife suggested that we should share our bed with our pets.

I finally gave in. After 10 minutes, our goldfish finally settled down.

How long should a celebration be?

I reckon about yay long

Why shouldn't you joke about broken legs?

Because it's not Humerus

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Another golf joke

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it, a man in the yard says,

\- "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"

The golfer says,

\- "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it... please...

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Word

During the church service the pastor asked if anyone would like to comment on the power of prayer.

Susan stood and walked to the podium. She said,”Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was a muffled gasp from the men ...

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A man calls his friend

Tells him, hey man! I opened my own business. Its a brothel. You should come by! Were having specials now as the business is newly opened!

\-Oh yeah? What prices do you offer?

Well, we're having a special on Anal, thats $100, BJs are also on sale, for only $20.

\-Wow, those pric...

I hope this isn't a repost, I came up with it on my own but it seems like it should be a thing already

My friend (I call him E) and I went to a competition for our children a few months ago on who could name the most vowels. He gave me five dollars to go get a drink. Now when I walk my daughter to school, I see him and always remember that I owe him money. So, I call out, "Hey! E! I owe you!" For som...

For your cake day, you should post a joke about cake

Redditors will just eat it up

People who say ketamine should be banned.

Should get down off their high horse..

What should Steve Irwin worn the day he died?

Sunscreen. Know why..?
Because it protects you from harmful rays.

I think Reddit should rename share to spreddit, delete to shreddit and karma to creddit, Yet they haven’t.

I don’t geddit

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

I went to a snooker store recently but walked straight out

you should have seen the queues

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Dwarf with a speech impediment wants to buy a horse

A dwarf walks into a feed store and starts a conversation with the owner, it comes up that he’s looking to buy a horse. The owner tells him about his friend who owns a horse ranch just outside of town. The owner calls up his friend and says "I've sent a dwarf with a speech impediment to see you. He ...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

We should let Netflix run the next pandemic…

…they don’t let anything last more than three seasons.

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in

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