The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he ...

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My friend told me how he was conceived on his family’s pull out couch,

Since he was conceived on it, it’s not really a *pull out* couch

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My mum got drunk and told me I was conceived while camping and tripping on LSD

She told me it was fucking in tents

Me: My parents conceived me during the Coronavirus outbreak of 2020

Them: "OK, Flumer."

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My parents conceived me on a waterbed

Which explains my fear of drowning, while my parents are having sex

If baby boomers were still fertile, how many children would be conceived in quarantine?

None. All of them would be in line for toilet paper.

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I was conceived at a campsite.

My parents were fucking intense.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were all sitting in the waiting room waiting to see their OB/GYN.

The brunette turns to the group and says, “I’m pregnant and I’m having a boy”. The redhead asked her how she knows and the brunette tells her, “I was on top when we conceived”.

The redhead then says, “well in that case I’m going to have a girl because I was on the bottom”.

The blond...

I think I've created a great dad joke:

I was conceived in a bakery.

You can say I was born and bread there.

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A man couldn't conceive so he prayed to God

He asked God:
God please give me a child, it's all in the world I would ever want and the one thing I ask of you.
If it's is a boy let him be a thief,
If it's a girl let her be a cunt,

Just please Dear Lord grant me a child I may raise and love.

And so God granted him his wish...

My son, Carson, asked me where he got his name

I told him, "well you were conceived in the backseat of my car, so you're our car-son"

My wife conceived on the staircase

I guess I have a step child now

Apparently 1 out of every 10 Europeans were conceived on an IKEA bed...

Which is crazy when you consider how well lit those places are.

A boy asked his mother how he was conceived

“Mommy, how was I born?”

Mom: “Well sweetie, Christmas came early”

And that was how the boy learned of his father’s nickname in college

The angel Gabriel appeared to Mary and said, "Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High."

Mary : I have a boyfriend

My friends often tell me I was conceived on the highway

because that is where the most accidents happen....

If twin ducks travel back in time and have a threesome with their mother on the day they were conceived...

...do they create a pair’a’ducks?

A boy asks his father how his sister go the name Paris.

"Well son, your sister was conceived in Paris"

"Oh, so that's why. Thanks dad"

"You're welcome Quarantine"

I named my kids after the place they were conceived

Although I'm almost 100 percent sure Intheass isn't mine.

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The little lizard was shocked when he found out how he was conceived.

Anole sex

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My dad just told me I was conceived in a circlejerk...

apparently things got out of hand.

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were all talking about how they were trying to conceive children with their husbands.

The brunette says, "I know that from the position we use in the bedroom that we are having a girl." The redhead says, "I know that from the position that we use in the bedroom we are having a boy." The blonde sat there for a second with a puzzled look on her face and then chimed in, "well then from...

Birds and bees at a catholic school.

In a catholic school the teacher told the students to count when they were conceived. One of the students ask

student: So according to you I should have been conceived in May 2009, but I know my parents got married in August 2009. We are catholic explain.

Teacher: Ask your parents if ...

A Native American boy is talking to his father...

And he says “Father, the other children at school are teasing me about my name!”

Father: “Son, your name is very special. In our tribe we name our children after a significant event that occurred during conception.

For example, when your sister Falling Water was conceived a torrential ...

Some people are named after where they were conceived. For example Brooklyn, Paris...

My friend Ally doesn't agree.

Villager goes for vasectomy

So one villager reaches the doctor's clinic looking very despondent.

Doc: What are you here for?

Villager: The vasectomy camp.

D: Oh OK. How many kids do you have?

V: None. I am not even married!!

D (shocked): Then why do you want a vasectomy?

V: Every man i...

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A Catholic girl's prayer...

“O Virgin Mother, thou who did conceive without sinning, teach me to sin without conceiving.”

A Native American boy and his father are walking by a creek

The boy looks to his father and asks, “Father, why does my sister have the name Beautiful River?”

The father answers, “That’s because she was conceived next to the most beautiful river.”

Unsatisfied with the answer, he asks, “So why is my brother named Golden Sky?”

“Because he...

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In a small village church, the priest found a crying young woman...

She is sitting there alone all teary and sobbing. So the priest sits next to her and asks her what makes her so unhappy. The young woman replies: "I got married two years ago. I have been trying to conceive an offspring with my husband since, no success so far, though."

"Do not worry," the pr...

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The children gathered around their father

The first one asked "Why is my name poetry?"

"Because I went on a poetry website to recite a beautiful poem to your mother and then you were conceived"

The second one ask "Why is my name Amazon?"

"I went on that website to order a beautiful diamond ring for you mother. After she...

An old man marries a younger woman and they decide to have a child.

After months of unsuccessfully trying to conceive, the man goes to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor hands him a sample cup and tells him, “Take this home, fill it up, and bring it back in tomorrow.”

The next day, the man walks in with the sample cup still empty and hands it ...

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Osama goes to heaven.

Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr.
Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the
Americans' liberty, so they gave you...

So three women are sitting in the OB/GYN

One asks, "Are you expecting a boy or a girl?"

She replies, "It's definitely going to be a boy."

The other woman asks how she is so sure and she says, "My husband was on top, so his dominant masculinity means it will be a boy."

The first woman then says, "Oh gee, I suppose I'll ...

A blonde woman is taking a walk around the neighborhood, pushing a pram with her baby in it..

An elderly woman walking towards them stops, looks into the stroller and says, "What a beautiful baby! What sign was he conceived under?"


The blonde blushes slightly and replies, "It said 'Keep off the grass'."

A young couple couldn't get pregnant.

A young couple couldn't get pregnant. They tried everything so the wife could conceive including going to the fertility doctor, but nothing worked. Finally, at church one Sunday they asked their priest for advice. The priest told them to go to the Vatican and light a candle. Several years later, the...

A horse walks into a bar.

A Horse walks into a bar.
The Bartender sees such a vivid depth
of despair and ennui in the Horse's eyes,
like the Horse has stared into the abyss
and found the infinite void of nothingness so deep
that the Horse could no longer believe
that he himself nor anyone nor anything else ...

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A mathematician, an Astronomer, and a idiot go to heaven

They reach heavens doors to see God talking to the Devil. God turns to the three and says, “So Heaven is a little backed up right now and we can’t take everyone, so I struck a deal with the devil by asking him a question he can’t solve”

The Mathematician goes first says, “I need a chalkboard”...

A kid asks about his name...

Kid: “Dad, why am I named after where I was conceived?”
Dad: “Shut up Glory Hole, I thought that was a mouth.”

your momma is so ugly

your dad was accused of bestiality when they conceived you

I showed my sterile friend a photo of my son.

He just couldn’t conceive of such a thing.

The girls in the tower

It was a rainy night when the man walked into the tower. He saw a single flight of stairs and a door, and when he went past it, it locked itself.

In front of him was the most repulsive being you could conceive. The very idea of disgusting. She winked at the man, and said "Stay with me, or yo...

2 test tubes

‘We have two test tubes here,’ said the professor of IVF studies from Monash University. ‘They contain two carefully synthesized ingredients that we can now use to create human life. Solution A is a genetically engineered copy of all the ingredients in the female ovum, while Solution B replicates th...

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We're told men with large feet have large dicks and men with big cars have small dicks

You would almost think these stereotypes were conceived by clowns.

Michael Phelps is such a good swimmer...

He was conceived anally

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Two boys go to religion class

10 minutes into the class, the teacher asks Timmy "Who was Mary?" Immediately, Adam pokes Timmy's ass with a pencil. "MOTHER OF GOD!" Timmy yells. The teacher says "Good, but don't yell." 15 minutes into the class, Timmy is called on again. "Who is the son of God?" Adam pokes his ass with a pencil a...

A couple has a baby boy born without a body... (A Two-Parter)

***
Part 1
***
After years of trying to conceive, a couple finally manages to have a baby. However, the baby is born with only a head, with no body, arms, or legs. Despite the setback, the couple set out to raise their child as they would any other.

After ten years of challenging ch...

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding...

..."Afternoon ma'am. May I see your license and registration?" The old lady wordlessly hands the officer these items. As the officer reaches for the papers, he takes observation of the old woman.

She wasn't just old, she was very old. Must have been in her mid 90's. The fact that she was spee...

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3 mothers-to-be in antenatal class...

The first one says; "I think I'm having a boy because my husband was on top when we conceived" The woman next to her replies "I think I'm having a daughter because I was on top" The woman at the end starts panicking and says "I think I'm having a puppy"

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Confused black kid.

Kid: - Mom, how come you and dad are white and i am black ?

Mom: - Oh baby, we were all so wasted at the party in wich you got conceived... you should be grateful you don't bark.

The native american boy asked his father why...

His brother was named dancing cloud.
it because when he was conceived a cloud danced by, said the father. Do you understand now, broken rubber?

I'd like to thank my dad for always being there for me

From the day I was conceived to the day he found out my mom was pregnant

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The Silent Debate

Note: This is a joke best told in person by somebody who's not afraid to go all out with gesticulations and accents.

The silent debate was a yearly event that was the Super Bowl of the intellectual world. It was watched live by tens of thousands, and broadcast on countless major networks. Fo...

An elderly childless couple visits the doctor...

And tell him that they would like to conceive a child. The doctor tells them that it's unlikely they will be capable of having a child, but will help them the best he can. He gives the old man a jar and tells him, "Go home and give it a try with this, come back when you have a sample."

The ne...

Want to hear a funny abortion joke?

Sorry, couldn't conceive one.

My mom always called me squirt as a child.

She said it had something too do with the way I was conceived.

In the gynecologist

There were three women in the gynecologist taking prenatal exams.

The doctor asked the first woman:

– In which position were the babies conceived?

And she said:

– He was on top.

– You are going to have a boy!! - the doctor said.

And the doctor asked the same...

Son: Dad, why is my sister's name Florence?

Dad: Because we conceived her in Florence, Italy.

Son: I guess that's a nice way of naming your kids.

Dad: Yeah, Backseat, it is.

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A man and a woman are at a fertility clinic...

They had been trying to conceive unsuccessfully for several months. As the results were coming in the husband was consoling his crying wife and told her, "If this turns out to be a problem with you I promise me you wont be mad at yourself, because I wont."
The wife says " I promise, and if this t...

Why is it so easy to trust a hypochondriac?

Because none of their plans are ill-conceived.

Native American Father

A Native American Father was sitting around the campfire with his 3 daughters and the oldest asks "father where do our names come from?" The father replies "well my daughter we give names based on what happened the evening the child is conceived. On the night you were conceived there was a full moon...

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