The 98+ Best Reckon Jokes

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My wife reckons that recently I have become an awkward, arrogant cunt, and she just can't understand me.

Seems like my French classes are going really well.

Well, I reckon you've been a pretty good horse,” said the farmer….

“You work hard and I ain't had to call the vet on you much. I only wish you pulled the plow a little faster."

"NO!" said the horse, "I said 'feedbag' not 'feedback'."

I reckon I could have won something at the youth olympics

If it wasn't for all those medalling kids

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My new girlfriend reckons I'm no good in bed...

...but I don't see how she can make a judgement like that in less than a minute.

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What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd gra...

Me: I reckon if we got a dog we should call it Noodles.

Wife: That's silly, we eat noodles.

Me: If this recession gets bad enough, yes, we would.

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side o...

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

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My pal reckons he can tighten nuts and bolts just by sitting on them.

Personally I think he torques out of his ass.

Duck walks into a pub...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, now can I have my b...

Do you reckon I've got multiple personality disorder?

I'm in two minds, myself.

This girl reckons she met me at the vegetarian club

But I've never met herbivore.

A man calls the First National Bank of Texas. The automated voice answers, "Hello, how can I assist you today?" The man says, "Withdrawal"

The automated voice says, "YEEHAW! HOW Y'ALL RECKON I CAN HELP?!"

R.I.P. dad

My dad passed away yesterday (this is true). He was 87 and had a good innings. We've done the bulk of our grieving and all is good. My brother sent me this message this morning:

"I reckon dad has already told Eddie Van Halen to turn the volume down."

___________________

I reckon I have a lucky gene for russian roulette

My grandad played all the time and he only lost once.
I'll bet my life on it.

Me: man I reckon i'm the greatest procrastinator in the world, no one's better at procrastination than me

Friend: oh really? how about we have a contest

Me: yeah sure just gimme 5 minutes

I don't reckon Germany will win the World Cup again

Historically speaking, they don't fight well when they head up to Russia.

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My doctor reckons I am paranoid

He didn't say it but I know what the cunt just be thinking

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon, when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year, I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go..."

"Three years ago, you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then, two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year, you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene got pregnant once again!"

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you go...

I reckon...

This "Yourself" guy must be sick of everyone imitating him.

My friend reckons he can throw a stick one mile and his dog will go and retrieve it....

I think that's far fetched.

People reckon I'm too patronising

(that means I treat them as if they're stupid).

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A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million do...

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My friend reckons he's been constipated for three whole weeks.

He's so full of shit.

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The Bravest and Fiercest

The king was getting old and did not trust his sons to rule his kingdom after his passing. He decided that he must find a husband for his daughter. This man, who would one day take the throne, had to be the bravest and fiercest warrior in all the land.

The king devised a test. his engineers ...

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God calls in an Albanian, a Grecian, and a Serbian for a quick reckoning.

God has realized that things aren't going so well in the general vicinity of the Balkans so he calls up an Albanian, a Grecian, and a Serbian to convince them to change their ways.
First he calls in the Grecian and says to them, "Your people have become so lazy in recent years! You're ruining e...

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My mate in Scotland reckons his scrotum got to -273 degrees last night.

I reckon that's absolute bollocks

In the summer of 1901, there was a small town in Western New York.

Nestled in a small valley, the town of Alfred was dominated by a church with a massive bell that would ring every day, at the top of every hour for several minutes on end, from sun up 'til sun down, much to the ire of the inhabitants.

One fateful night, the bell disappeared. Distraught,...

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3 men get drunk at a bar...

The first guy goes: "You know what? My arm is really small, like, really really small. I reckon it's legitimately the smallest arm in the world"

The second guy goes: "Come to think of it, my head is tiny, I think I have the smallest head in the world"

Third guy goes: "I've never told...

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words before he kicked the bucket.

'How far do you reckon I can kick this bucket?'

Bob the Builder dies and goes to heaven

But on the way he's kidnapped by Satan and dragged down to Hell. After a while, God realises Bob is missing and phones Satan to complain.

"Well," says Satan "he's doing a couple of little jobs for me. Just a bit of decorating. Then I'll send him up to you."

Time passes. Still no sign o...

"How big do you suppose that fence is?"

"I reckon that fence is around a yard."

Slow learner

"How did it happen? " the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago... "Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning. "Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gon...

Paddy and Mick are heading down to the pub...

...when they see a sign in a shop window
> TREE FELLERS WANTED

> Great Pay
> Flexible Hours
> No Experience Necessary

Paddy turns to Mick and says "What do you reckon?"

Mick replies "It's a shame there's only two of us"

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A cowboy rides up to the saloon..

He stopped his horse at the hitching post and climbed off. "Good girl, Betsy, you have a rest." He said, and gave the horse's neck a good scratch.
He patted its side and walked to the rear. After tidying some twigs from the tail, he lifted it up and gave the horse a huge, lingering kiss on the ar...

I don't know much about psychology or sociology

But I reckon I can explain the Dunning-Kruger effect better than anyone else.

A man sees a 3 legged pig in a field

He goes and asks the farmer, "What's with the three legged pig?"
The farmer says "That's my lucky pig, that is!
- What did you mean?
farmer - well one day I was out on the tractor ploughing the fields and the barn caught fire. That pig ran over the fields to find me and oinked continuously ...

3 farmers.

3 farmers were sitting at the local cafe drinking coffee. The subject of the lottery and what they would do if they won came up.

"I think I would take some time off and go on a cruise. I've always wanted to go on a cruise." Said the first farmer.

"First thing I would do is buy a fancy ...

My doctor told me I’ve got Athlete’s foot.…

…. I reckon if I can find another one I’ll go for the Olympics.

I was pulled over by a cop earlier today.

“Do you know why I've pulled you over, sir?”

"No officer.”

“Well" he said "this doesn't happen very often, but I've been following you for the last ten miles or so... and your driving is exemplary! Correct road positioning, perfect observation and due regard for other road users.”
<...

A woman was sick of her husband always farting in bed...

she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one C...

Washing machine (long)

A young (but definitely over 18) Alabama girl is sitting on her front porch, with her skirt hiked all the way up and nothing on underneath. Young (but definitely over 18) Johnny walks by and can't believe what he sees. "Hey, Thelma Lou- what's that you got there?"

Thelma Lou replies- "Well, I...

The Aussie House Wife

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, “Bruce! Bruce!” and he came running in.

“Bruce, I’ve blood...

How long should a celebration be?

I reckon about yay long

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One day, a business man realizes he's tired of urban life and decides to buy a farm...

After he buys the farm, he figures he should buy some animals and equipment. He goes to the local supply store and talks to the man working there and asks, "What would I need to get started on my new farm? I've never done this before and would love any advice you can offer!"

The man looks him...

Traffic violation

After pulling a farmer over for speeding in an urban area, the police officer starts to lecture him about his callous disregard for public safety. The officer goes on and on, even belittling the farmer saying he must be a "hick from the sticks" and not know how to behave in a civilized area.
<...

It was a chilly day of spring when I answered the door to a child holding a plastic pumpkin by the handle.

"Trick or treat!"

"A little late on that one you reckon? Halloween was months ago"

"It was? Sorry, I'm Internet Explorer"

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Three old farmers, Frank, Adam, and Jake, are sitting on their farm and get a little bored.

Frank turns to the other two and says, "I reckon we haven't had much excitement around our farms these days, what do y'all say to comin' up with somethin' fun?"

Jake says, "Welp, I suppose we could use something new in our lives. I got a big old sow sitting in the pen, shits everywhere all da...

Chapped

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day.

The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail.

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kis...

Two rednecks watching a dog lick its balls...

The first redneck says, "I wish I could do that." The second redneck says, "I reckon that dog would bite you."

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NSFW joke I heard from an officer while in the army (translated from Greek)

Three friends are sitting in a bar.

One of them starts bragging, "Guys, my stamina in bed is fucking amazing. I can fuck 3 women in one go". The other two respond "Yeah right mate.. how about you prove it?". So they bring in 3 women and stand them naked up against the wall.

He starts...

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Family ties, or is we kin?

Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local factory.

After a few beers, the first guy says to the second,

"If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your ...

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A wood expert.

A drunk man in a bar began bragging that he could identify any type of wood by its smell only.

The bartender and patrons decided to test him. The man was blindfolded and presented with several pieces of wood.

First they put a pencil infront of his nose. He smelled it and said, "That's...

Happy anniversary

On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.

"How romantic!" she thought.

Two-and-a-hal...

In order to get to the valves, a mechanic carefully removed the engine parts from a car while the car owner - a surgeon - looked on.

Afterwards the mechanic said to the surgeon:
'You know, I reckon my line of work is every bit as difficult and skilled as yours.'

'Perhaps,' said the surgeon, 'But I'd like to see you do it while the engine is running.'

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Cowboy rides into town....

( For cake day i suggest telling these jokes in series )

A cowboy rides into town. All the way down the main drag, he sees not a single soul.
He pulls up in front of the saloon and the only other person around is the sheriff, sitting on the porch.
He dismounts, ties up his horse, tips...

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I hadn't had sex in over two years, so decided to bite the bullet and visit a prostitute..

"Err, how much to let me cum in your mouth?" I asked, nervously.

"Well that depends." She purred, sexily. "How much have you got?"

"About a litre and a half, I reckon."

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A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches.

After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said: "Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration." "You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches...

Old cowboy comes into the barber shop for a shave.

Tells the barber, “I’m lookin for a clean shave. All these wrinkles on my face from old age the sun and wind, I haven’t had a close clean shave in years.”

Barber hands him a wooden ball and says, “stick this in your cheek like a squirrel.”

The old cowboy does as he is told and the wr...

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Parrot, Monkey and Lizard sits in a tree somewhere in the jungle, smoking a joint.

After a while of blazing it up, Lizard starts struggling with cotton mouth, and says he needs to go drink some water down at the creek.

Stumbling up to the creek, Lizard starts drinking water like his life depends on it, bloodshot eyes and giggling all along.

Crocodile spots him and s...

Saw a sheep driving a car.

Reckon it was a Lamb-orghini

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A Jewish man owns a craft shop

The local tailor, a known racist and anti-Semite, goes into his shop and says "Oi, I want some yellow yarn, deliver it to my shop tomorrow at nine exactly."

The Jewish shop owner is loathe to serve this man, but knowing it's where almost a quarter of his profits come from, he has little choic...

Opposites

A theology professor at a rural community college started the class by asking the students, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said one student. "And the opposite of depression?" "Elation," said another. "And how about the opposite of woe?"

A redneck in the back of the class stood up f...

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It is just before Scotland v England in the Euro’s Group game.

Kane goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're shite and we can't be bothered".

Kane looks at the...

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Working for Her Majesty

Two blokes living in the Australian outback saw a couple of jobs advertised by the Queen of England. She was looking for footmen, to walk beside her carriage.

They applied and were very happy to be flown to London for an interview with Her Majesty.

She says to them "Because my footmen ...

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The Leprechaun Joke

A man went to a pub on St. Patrick's Day to have some drinks with his mates. After a while, the man needed to relieve himself, so he went to use the restroom.

The restroom was quite small and only had two urinals, one of which was being used by what appeared to be a little person. The man beg...

A hunter and his friend are walking down a path when they spot a deep hole in the ground.

The hunter says "how far do ya reckon that hole goes?" The friend replies with "i don't know, lets chuck something down there and find out." They both lug an old radiator from the nearby bushes over to it and let it fall in. They start to count and listen for the thud, but before they hear it land, ...

A friend of mine recently admitted to being addicted to drinking brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it, he reckoned he could stop any time.

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A man goes into a book shop and asks the assistant, "I heard there's a new book just out about living with a small penis. I'm not sure what it's called. Have you got it in yet?"

Assistant: "Yes, that's the one."

(Other versions have been posted but I reckon this is the right formulation...)

That's some strong detergent

A little boy goes into the only grocery store in his small rural town. He asks the clerk for a box of laundry soap. The old man at the counter asked what kind to which the little boy replied "It don't matter, I'm just usin' it ta give my dog a bath anyway." The clerk warned him "That stuff is pretty...

A man and his dog walk into a bar...

The man proceeds to sit on a stool and the dog quickly follows, jumping onto the next stool. The barkeep tells the man ‘Sir your dog can’t sit there!’

‘Well I reckon he can. You see, this is no ordinary dog. This dog here has the gift of speech, and that makes him my best friend. And I believ...

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Sum bitch

Two alter boys are fishing on a dock. One of the boys gets a bite and struggles to reel him in. When he finally gets the best of the fish, he snatches him up and proclaims to the other alter boy "Look at this big sum bitch!" The other alter boy says "You can't say that you're an alter boy" to w...

An old accountant had a curious habit

Everyday, just after he arrived in the office, he would take a small and battered yellow envelope from his drawer and peruse attentively the single sheet of paper inside. Then, he would take a glance around the office, smile and nod to himself, and go on with his day normally.

His employees ...

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A newcomer notices a barrel in town with a hole in the side and a long line to stand in front of it...

It's a small town, pretty isolated, and a little rough but the citizens all seem friendly. When the person asks "why are so many people waiting to stand in front of the barrel?", an old-timer tells them to wait in line and find out.

Sure enough, the newcomer waits their turn and after about 4...

Bob walked into a sports bar around 5:58 PM.

He sat down next to a very attractive blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 6 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?”

Bob said, "You...

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Two friends are sitting in a coffee shop.

One glances up and sees an Asian man sitting at a table nearby and says to his buddy, "I reckon that's a Japanese man over there. With his business suit and laptop."

"Hmmm, I think they're Chinese. His ponytail and long mustache gives it away." Replied his friend.

Luckily a third frien...

Two old men in Glasgow are talking...

"Here, did you see the Vienna Philharmonic are coming to town?"

\- "Nae bother, I reckon Rangers'll stick a couple of goals past 'em"

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Teaching Virgil

Ma and Paw are sitting on the porch when Paw says "Ma, Virgil is 18 its about time he learns about fuckin".

"Well how you reckon we teach him Paw?" Says Ma.

"You go in the bedroom and get naked on the bed and spread your legs. I'll be in in a minute."

Paw goes to his son and say...

The Lantern

Deep in the back woods of Letcher County, Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
As there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here..You hold this high so I can see wh...

Two farmers <a geek joke>

Two farmers were chatting,

One says, “You reckon the profit on your crops this year will be significant?”

“All depends,” said the other.

“On what”

“My pea value”

Wife asks her man a serious question one day...

It was a beautiful morning, however wife had a serious question to ask her husband.

"Babe", she reckoned. "If I die tomorrow, how will you be affected by my death?"

Husband did not question the intent behind asking such a question, indeed he was smart.

"Babe, if I lose you, I'll...

Two farmers each buy a pig at the market

The farmers, let’s call them Clarence and Earl (because those are the only names I can think of that sound like the names farmers would have), decide that in order to save money they would keep the pigs in the same pen. Clarence then tells Earl, “let’s clip the ear off of one of the pigs so we can t...

My mate says he's turning into a kookaburra

I reckon he's just having a laugh

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Reported to Bruce Forsyths favourite.

Husband and wife are chatting over breakfast
Husband "They guys in the pub last night were talking about our randy Postman. They reckon he's had sex with every woman in our street, except one"
Wife pauses for a moment :" Probably that stuck up cow at number 27"

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

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I know a guy who trained to be a vet and claims to have done extensive research on bovine faeces.

But I reckon that’s bullshit.

What's the difference between Steve Jobs and a hillbilly?

One has an iPhone and the other has an iReckon.

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A duck walks into a bar and grill.

The moment he sits down, the bartender comes up and asks, "Well shit, I've never seen you here before. How's things?"

The duck is already drunk and starts rambling. "The name's Huey. Day's almost over, just thought I'd come here and get a burger and beer."

"You look wiped out. Long day...

A travelling salesman was driving down a back road...

...when he saw a man in overalls, standing in an orchard, holding something that looked quite heavy up next to an apple tree. He decided to pull over and see what was going on.

He climbed over a fence and, as he got nearer, he realized that a farmer was holding a huge pig up about shoulder h...

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Guy goes to the bar at the airport before his plane departs when a beautiful young woman sits at the bar beside him..

She is wearing a uniform and he reckons she's obviously an air steward.. He nods at her and says the Qantas slogan "you're the reason we fly" and winks at her.. She ignores him ... "hmm, not Qantas" he thinks, so he tries "Fly the friendly skies"? .. no reaction "OK, it's not United Airlines either"...

My grandmother died recently

She was found keeled over in her kitchen, her dentures stained with foods high in antioxidants.

The doctors said it was a heart attack but I know better...

I reckon it was an oxi-dental overdose.

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A boy from the country attended the prestigious university in the city.

With his degree, he got prizes in mathematics and metaphysics. The lad's father came up to the college to see his son graduate.

"Weel, Dr. Thompson" asked the old farmer to a professor, "And what may these mathematics be for which my son has getten a prize?"

"Mathematics is to do with ...

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So three guys are hanging out in their basement,

The first guys says, "Hey, I have a pretty small head, I reckon I have the smallest head."

The second guy goes, "I've got a pretty small nose, I think I may have the smallest nose."

The third guy says, "You know, I think I have the smallest dick."

So the next morning all three o...

Bubba and Billy Bob

One day when Bubba and Billy Bob were in the Little Rock Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They each bought five tickets at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Billy Bob won 1st place - a year's supply of go...

Cricket joke

I reckon Australia has the Ashes in the bag this year.

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One hillbilly says to the other, "You wanna play twenty questions?"

The other hillbilly asks, "What's that?"

He says, "I write something on a piece of paper and you get twenty questions to guess what it be."

So he takes out a piece of paper and writes "donkey dick" on it.

The other hillbilly takes a second to think and asks, "Can you eat it?"...

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A guy walks into an antique store with a small wooden box

"My Granddaddy found this in the flotsam of a Nazi sub they sank off the coast of Hatteras." He opened up the box to reveal a finely made typwriter-like machine with 4 wheels set in it. "What do you reckon it is?" He asked the store owner.

"Why sir, that is an enigma."

"Damn! No o...

This covid19 sucks

Covid 20 will be less buggy I reckon

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