I reckon I have a lucky gene for russian roulette

My grandad played all the time and he only lost once.
I'll bet my life on it.

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My doctor reckons I am paranoid

He didn't say it but I know what the cunt just be thinking

My friend reckons he can throw a stick one mile and his dog will go and retrieve it....

I think that's far fetched.

Farting in bed

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husbands habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would ple...

I reckon there were actually 102 dalmatians.

But the other one was never spotted.

An old accountant had a curious habit

Everyday, just after he arrived in the office, he would take a small and battered yellow envelope from his drawer and peruse attentively the single sheet of paper inside. Then, he would take a glance around the office, smile and nod to himself, and go on with his day normally.

His employees ...

Me: man I reckon i'm the greatest procrastinator in the world, no one's better at procrastination than me

Friend: oh really? how about we have a contest

Me: yeah sure just gimme 5 minutes

A hunter and his friend are walking down a path when they spot a deep hole in the ground.

The hunter says "how far do ya reckon that hole goes?" The friend replies with "i don't know, lets chuck something down there and find out." They both lug an old radiator from the nearby bushes over to it and let it fall in. They start to count and listen for the thud, but before they hear it land, ...

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Ryan Gosling went to live in Saudi Arabia for a year.

He and a local Saudi girl fell in love.

The girl would secretly sneak out of her house in the middle of the night without a male companion to hangout with Ryan. They would go to Ryan's place and make love for the whole night. Ryan would drop her back before the dawn. She would quietly sneak i...

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My new girlfriend reckons I'm no good in bed...

...but I don't see how she can make a judgement like that in less than a minute.

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My mate reckons he can tighten nuts and bolts just by sitting on them.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse…

I don't reckon Germany will win the World Cup again

Historically speaking, they don't fight well when they head up to Russia.

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My wife reckons that recently I have become an awkward, arrogant cunt, and she just can't understand me.

Seems like my French classes are going really well.

Vacation Plans

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation... only this year I'm gonna do it different. The last few years, I been takin' your advice 'bout where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Ha...

This girl reckons she met me at the vegetarian club

But I've never met herbivore.

Cricket joke

I reckon Australia has the Ashes in the bag this year.

I reckon...

This "Yourself" guy must be sick of everyone imitating him.

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"Yep," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"Yep again”, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls th...

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A guy walks into an antique store with a small wooden box

"My Granddaddy found this in the flotsam of a Nazi sub they sank off the coast of Hatteras." He opened up the box to reveal a finely made typwriter-like machine with 4 wheels set in it. "What do you reckon it is?" He asked the store owner.

"Why sir, that is an enigma."

"Damn! No o...

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What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd gra...

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My friend reckons he's been constipated for three whole weeks.

He's so full of shit.

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So three guys are hanging out in their basement,

The first guys says, "Hey, I have a pretty small head, I reckon I have the smallest head."

The second guy goes, "I've got a pretty small nose, I think I may have the smallest nose."

The third guy says, "You know, I think I have the smallest dick."

So the next morning all three o...

Three Friends Are Arguing

Three friends are arguing about who gets the most tips at work.

Guy 1, a waiter: "Oh I get a healthy tip from almost every table, I reckon I make about 200 dollars in tips on a busy night."

Guy 2, a valet: "Pshh, that's nothing; I get a healthy tip every time I park a car, I probably a...

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I don't understand why guys get really excited over threesomes. I much rather stay home and masturbate

I reckon a bird in hand is worth two in bush

People reckon I'm too patronising

(that means I treat them as if they're stupid).

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One hillbilly says to the other, "You wanna play twenty questions?"

The other hillbilly asks, "What's that?"

He says, "I write something on a piece of paper and you get twenty questions to guess what it be."

So he takes out a piece of paper and writes "donkey dick" on it.

The other hillbilly takes a second to think and asks, "Can you eat it?"...

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

John and Susie just got married.

John and Susie just got married and are spending their honeymoon at a beautiful resort on a fishing lake. For the first 3 days of their getaway, John is spotted by the groundskeeper, fishing all day long. Finally, the groundskeeper decides to approach him.




"Hey there son, I recko...

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A multi-millionaire living in Darwin, Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors...

He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.

Then at the height of the party, the millionair...

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I know a guy who trained to be a vet and claims to have done extensive research on bovine faeces.

But I reckon that’s bullshit.

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My mate in Scotland reckons his scrotum got to -273 degrees last night.

I reckon that's absolute bollocks

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A young man with 3 testicles goes to see a doctor

The man is really self-conscious about having 3 testicles, and he's afraid it can badly affect his health if he doesn't get himself checked, so he decides to see a doctor. However, he reckons that seeing a female doctor would be very awkward so he makes sure it is a male doctor he's seeing

*...

An old farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery...

... and is being interviewed. The reporter asked what he is going to do with all the money.
"Oh, I reckon the first thing I'll do is go and pay a few bills."
"And what about the rest?" the reporter continued.
The farmer shrugs. "Well, I guess they'll just have to wait."

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God calls in an Albanian, a Grecian, and a Serbian for a quick reckoning.

God has realized that things aren't going so well in the general vicinity of the Balkans so he calls up an Albanian, a Grecian, and a Serbian to convince them to change their ways.
First he calls in the Grecian and says to them, "Your people have become so lazy in recent years! You're ruining e...

My car can speed faster than bullets, drive under water and knock down evil like bowling pins.

It's a Porsche to be reckoned with

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In math class a boy is asked how high he thinks the school is.

Boy: "I reckon about 4'8"
Teacher: "That is utterly ridiculous how do you get this idea"
Boy: "Well I'm 5' and I have it up till here with this."
Off course he gets kicked out. Sitting in the yard the Principal comes by and asks what's up.
Boy: "I got kicked out for guessing the school...

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger..."

"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, and stepped up on the walk and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon. "Hold on there, M...

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A Jewish man owns a craft shop

The local tailor, a known racist and anti-Semite, goes into his shop and says "Oi, I want some yellow yarn, deliver it to my shop tomorrow at nine exactly."

The Jewish shop owner is loathe to serve this man, but knowing it's where almost a quarter of his profits come from, he has little choic...

A time traveller asks his friend

A time traveller asks his friend, "I might host a party for my birthday last year, I regret not having one, what do you reckon?

The friend replies ,"yea it was alright".

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Young Jimmy got mixed in with a bad crowd and found himself headed to jail. Being his first time, he was a little intimidated by the things he’d heard, so he was looking for some advice.

His uncle was a colorful fellow and a world traveler, and Jimmy figured he probably knew his way out of a dangerous situation better than anyone else he knew. After Jimmy explained his predicament, the uncle said:

“Yeah, I reckon I have some advice. Some years ago I was overseas riding throu...

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A guy goes to the doctor with a terrible headache

After some research, the doctor has to tell the man the following:



'I have good news and bad news... The good news it that I can relieve you of your headaches...'



Relieved, the man replies, 'Oh, that would be so great, doctor!'



'But the bad news is that I...

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Two alter boys are fishing...

Two alter boys are fishing on a dock. One of the boys gets a bite and struggles to reel him in. When he finally gets the best of the fish, he snatches him up and proclaims to the other alter boy "Look at this big sum bitch!" The other alter boy says "You can't say that you're an alter boy" to which ...

Country girl Sheila, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom tiles.

Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suction cupped herself to the Bathroom Floor.

She yelled out for her Ol' Man, "Biker John!
He came running in.

"I've suctioned myself to the floor."

"Biker John tried to pull her up.
"You're stuck re...

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3 guys are in a bar. First guy says, "Guys you know, my arms are really small.

I think I might have the world's tiniest arms." Second guy says, "That's weird, I reckon my head is like, the smallest head". The third guy goes "Guys, my dick is really small actually, I might just have the tiniest dick" The first man says "Do you know what guys, we should go down to the Guinness w...

Deep in the back woods of Letcher County Kentucky, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'

Soon a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down, I think there's another...

Two old men were waiting for their steam train which was running late.

"I know this train driver, his name is Bob. First time he's ever been late," one says.

"All train drivers are late some days," replies the other.

"No, not Bob, ever. He may never speak to anyone, or even look them in the eye, but he gets on that train and burns his secret ingredient an...

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The doctor said I have an "unhealthy relationship" with porn.

But I reckon he's wrong. I must have burnt thousands of calories just this week.

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Two lads are learning to cuss

Two brothers are learning to cuss and they decide they need practice. Their conversation goes something like this...

Older bro: tomorrow when we go downstairs for breakfast I’m gonna say “hell” and you’re gonna say “ass”

Younger bro: alrighty!

The next day when the boys go downs...

How heavy is a jedi saber?

I'm not sure, but I reckon that it's pretty light.

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The Bravest and Fiercest

The king was getting old and did not trust his sons to rule his kingdom after his passing. He decided that he must find a husband for his daughter. This man, who would one day take the throne, had to be the bravest and fiercest warrior in all the land.

The king devised a test. his engineers ...

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Next Years Peanuts

Two old farmers are sitting in a cafe, bullshittin’ and jawin’ on about business and such.

Times had been hard, as of late. Rain had been scarce, crops were poor and the local crop of choice, peanuts, had really suffered.

As such, the local bank had declared, at the beginning of the s...

Bob walked into a sports bar around 5:58 PM.

He sat down next to a very attractive blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 6 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?”

Bob said, "You...

I could have sworn I heard an Italian fellow running on my rooftop...

But I reckon it was just an Auditore hallucination.

Visited the Doctor today

I told him every time I turn on the TV I see Mary Poppins, he reckons I have a bad case of the um diddle um diddle um diddle eye!

Did you hear about the man who got addicted to brake fluid?

He reckons he can stop any time he wants.

A pirate goes into a doctor's office.

He asks the doctor to inspect his back because he happened to find some lumps there. After careful examination, the doctor tells the pirate, "Don't worry. They're benign," to which the pirate replied, "Aargh, check them again. I reckon there at least be ten."

I remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket...

"Hey, how far do you reckon I could kick this bucket?"

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My wife has just got a job at the local sewage works.

I reckon she will be the best shit stirrer they have ever had.

A cowboy had just gotten married and found a nice hotel for the wedding night.





He approached the front desk with his new wife and asked for a room.



He said, "We’re on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed."



The clerk winked, "You want the ’Bridal’?"



The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and...

An 80y/o bloke goes to the doctor for his regular checkup.

Doc: "How are you feeling then Mr Tabernackle?" Mr Tabernackle: 'I feel amazing. I just hit a 90 on 18 holes at the club, went for a great swim and my 21 year old wife is pregnant!' Doc: "That's incredible!" Mr Tabernackle: 'Well you don't have to be so astounded. I may be 80 but I keep myself in go...

Some guy threw Sodium Chloride at me...

I reckoned, "Na, it's Cl", but my friends keep insisting it's a salt.

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[Long] Little Johnny lives in the orphanage and it's coming up to his 18th birthday. (nsfw)

He's never been adopted because he's a bit of a lunatic.

However all through his life the nun's who live in the orphanage have looked after him. All of his birthdays and all Christmases they've given him what he wanted.

A few days before his 18th birthday one of the nuns apporaches Joh...

Ole goes to heaven

So one day ole passed away and arrived at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter said "In order to get into heaven, you have to answer 3 questions. if you correctly answer them, you can enter heaven."

ole said "well alright, whats the first question?"

Peter replied "the first question ...

"How big do you suppose that fence is?"

"I reckon that fence is around a yard."

Delayed Comprehension

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that nigh...

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A pathological liar once told me he was constipated

I reckon he was full of shit

People say Jesus never got really mad

But I reckon he definitely got cross

A man and his wife...

A man and his wife are making the long drive back to their rural farm late one wintry evening. While still some distance from home, a mother skunk and her kit dart in front of the car, and unfortunately, the mother skunk is killed instantly. The wife insists that her husband stop the car, which he d...

Did you hear Han Solo will be running next years London Marathon?

He says he reckons he'll be able to finish in less than 26 miles

A rich Texan is on vacation in Ireland...

One of my oldest, one of my favorites, but I haven't seen it pop up since I've been subbed. But of course it's surely a repost. I like to put on the Texan drawl and Irish accent for this one...

After a long day of sightseeing the Irish countryside the Texan wants to relax and have a beer so...

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Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire....

The first cowboy says to the second two cowboys: “you know I reckon I’m tougher than the both of ya’. One time a rattlesnake bit me, ‘n’ I just went ahead and bit him right back.”

Second cowboy laughs and says “ya’ call that a tough guy story? One time I fought off twelve men just to use a ro...

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A stairway builder was retiring

On his last day the manager held a speech for him in the lunch-room.
"This man has worked here for over 40 years! Just imagine the number of stairs built by you alone! I reckon, on the day you die, you could stack them on top of eachother and reach heaven!"

The retiring builder, a bit red...

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Goldfish, man, you made me so happy, I'll do anything for you...

This is long, so bear with me.
So I was fishing at this pond close to home, see. And all day I was fishing, with nothing biting. Just as the sun was setting, something was finally tugging and wouldn't you know, the most brightly coloured gold FISH(!) was at the end of my fishing string. And w...

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The Rodeo Position NSFW

Two men were conversing about their favorite sex positions on their way down to the ranch:

One of the men said "The rodeo position is my favorite but my wife never wants to try it again."

"I reckon I've heard of every position before but not of any 'rodeo' position before." the second...

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So a horse is watching MTV...

So this horse is watching MTV. This is in the 90s where MTV actually had music on it. Anyway, the horse sees a segment on Jimi Hendrix, and decides there and then he wants to become an internationally-acclaimed guitar player (because, as we all know, all horses are left-handed).

So this horse...

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Headache

A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches. After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said: "Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration."

"You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to pres...

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3 guys are driving across the country

Their car breaks down just down the road from a farm. The guys decide to walk over to the farm to see if there is anyone who can help. A nice middle aged man greets them at the porch, offers them a tow with the tractor and takes a look at the car.

" Now I reckon it will be a while before thi...

A man was driving around the countryside in his new sports car, moving at speeds that bordered on unsafe.

A man was driving around the countryside in his new sports car moving at speeds that bordered on unsafe. When checking his rear-view mirror he noticed that a small object followed by a trail of dust was closing fast. His curiosity piqued he slowed a bit to get a better look. As the object came into ...

Trump and the Pope

Trump: I reckon I could have slept with her, if it wasn't for something I said. But we had a row and, uh... I said something about the Pope.

Pence: That's a bit stupid, you know she's Catholic.

Trump: Yeah, I know she's Catholic: I didn't know the Pope was.

(Ripped off from The ...

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A pair of 18 year old twin brothers live together on a farm in the middle of nowhere...

The house is small so they have to sleep in the barn. One night there's a terrible rainstorm and a beautiful young woman asks for shelter for the night. She's told to sleep in the barn with the brothers.

The young woman decides that she wants to fool around with the brothers, but can tell the...

Have you heard about the new iPhone Plus?

I reckon it's gonna be a huge 6s...

Get it ;)

Mother of The Year

So a reporter for *The Kansas City Star* goes all the way down into rural Arkansas to do a feature on a single mother with twelve sons.

As they sit on the porch sipping lemon tea and smoking Camels, the mother hears a shout. She yells, "Harold, you leave your brother alone!"

Then as a ...

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Rural Party

A man moves to Lincolnshire, and is lonely until he gets a visit from a local farmer. The farmer invites him to a party, but warns him:

"There will probably be a lot of heavy drinking."

The man agrees that a bit of booze is a good way to get to know people. The farmer then says:
...

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A man with half an orange as a head

A man with half an orange for a head walks into a bar. The bartender takes one look at him and says, 'Okay, man, I just have to know. I'll shout you a beer if you tell me just how your head came to be half an orange.' The man sits down at the bar and says, 'Well, it happened like this.'

'I'm ...

The Greatest Pig...

A man was visiting his worldly uncle on his farm, when a pig in a wheeled cart trotted past him, missing its two hind legs. He leaned over to his uncle and asked "Uncle, what happened to that pig in the wheelchair?"

The uncle takes a deep draw of his pipe and points to the pig. "I owe that pi...

Two Drunk Englishmen

...were walking down a street, late at night when the come across a dog licking it's own bollocks.

The first Englishmen points to the dog and says "I wish I could do that"

The second Englishman looks at the dog, and says "I reckon you could, but you better ask it permission first!"

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Welcome to the neighborhood

A fella working on Wall St. decides he has had enough of the rat race. He's made a lot of money, so he buys himself a piece of land way out in the boonies where his nearest neighbors will be miles away.

He's been living out there for a couple weeks, fixing up the old house and generally enjo...

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An old man see a little boy walking down the street with some chicken wire in his hand.

An old man see a little boy walking down the street with some chicken wire in his hand. The old man yells out to the little boy "Hey little boy, what are you fixin' to do with that there chicken wire?" The little boy looks at the old man, thinks for a second and says "Well old man, I reckon I'm gonn...

Apparently Cadbury's are making an oriental chocolate bar

I reckon it's just a Chinese whisper

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Hillbilly gets a new neighbor

Hillbilly knocks on the door of his new neighbors house.

"Howdy neybur, since yall are my new neyburs, i reckon i should throw yall a party at my house! There gon' be tons of drinkin, tons of dancin, and tons of screwin."

"Sounds good to me, what can i bring?" the new neighbor ...

The Hillbilly and the Duck

A man is driving his SUV through the woods. It's springtime. He reaches a river with a drivable bridge, but much to his surprise the river has flooded over, covering the bridge completely. He stops his car before the river, trying to figure out what to do.


He spots an old house a little b...

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