Me: I reckon if we got a dog we should call it Noodles.

Wife: That's silly, we eat noodles.

Me: If this recession gets bad enough, yes, we would.

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of ...

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A duck walks into a pub...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I...

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My doctor reckons I am paranoid

He didn't say it but I know what the cunt just be thinking

I reckon I have a lucky gene for russian roulette

My grandad played all the time and he only lost once.
I'll bet my life on it.

3 farmers.

3 farmers were sitting at the local cafe drinking coffee. The subject of the lottery and what they would do if they won came up.

"I think I would take some time off and go on a cruise. I've always wanted to go on a cruise." Said the first farmer.

"First thing I would do is buy a fancy ...

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Working for Her Majesty

Two blokes living in the Australian outback saw a couple of jobs advertised by the Queen of England. She was looking for footmen, to walk beside her carriage.

They applied and were very happy to be flown to London for an interview with Her Majesty.

She says to them "Because my footmen ...

I reckon there were actually 102 dalmatians.

But the other one was never spotted.

Two rednecks watching a dog lick its balls...

The first redneck says, "I wish I could do that." The second redneck says, "I reckon that dog would bite you."

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My wife reckons that recently I have become an awkward, arrogant cunt, and she just can't understand me.

Seems like my French classes are going really well.

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My new girlfriend reckons I'm no good in bed...

...but I don't see how she can make a judgement like that in less than a minute.

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It is just before Scotland v England in the Euro’s Group game.

Kane goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're shite and we can't be bothered".

Kane looks at the...

My friend reckons he can throw a stick one mile and his dog will go and retrieve it....

I think that's far fetched.

Me: man I reckon i'm the greatest procrastinator in the world, no one's better at procrastination than me

Friend: oh really? how about we have a contest

Me: yeah sure just gimme 5 minutes

Wife asks her man a serious question one day...

It was a beautiful morning, however wife had a serious question to ask her husband.

"Babe", she reckoned. "If I die tomorrow, how will you be affected by my death?"

Husband did not question the intent behind asking such a question, indeed he was smart.

"Babe, if I lose you, I'll...

This girl reckons she met me at the vegetarian club

But I've never met herbivore.

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first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”

Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!”
Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situa...

R.I.P. dad

My dad passed away yesterday (this is true). He was 87 and had a good innings. We've done the bulk of our grieving and all is good. My brother sent me this message this morning:

"I reckon dad has already told Eddie Van Halen to turn the volume down."

___________________

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My mate reckons he can tighten nuts and bolts just by sitting on them.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse…

I don't reckon Germany will win the World Cup again

Historically speaking, they don't fight well when they head up to Russia.

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3 men get drunk at a bar...

The first guy goes: "You know what? My arm is really small, like, really really small. I reckon it's legitimately the smallest arm in the world"

The second guy goes: "Come to think of it, my head is tiny, I think I have the smallest head in the world"

Third guy goes: "I've never told...

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Guy goes to the bar at the airport before his plane departs when a beautiful young woman sits at the bar beside him..

She is wearing a uniform and he reckons she's obviously an air steward.. He nods at her and says the Qantas slogan "you're the reason we fly" and winks at her.. She ignores him ... "hmm, not Qantas" he thinks, so he tries "Fly the friendly skies"? .. no reaction "OK, it's not United Airlines either"...

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A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches.

After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said: "Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration." "You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches...

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I hadn't had sex in over two years, so decided to bite the bullet and visit a prostitute..

"Err, how much to let me cum in your mouth?" I asked, nervously.

"Well that depends." She purred, sexily. "How much have you got?"

"About a litre and a half, I reckon."

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon, when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year, I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go..."

"Three years ago, you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then, two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year, you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene got pregnant once again!"

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you go...

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My friend reckons he's been constipated for three whole weeks.

He's so full of shit.

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The Leprechaun Joke

A man went to a pub on St. Patrick's Day to have some drinks with his mates. After a while, the man needed to relieve himself, so he went to use the restroom.

The restroom was quite small and only had two urinals, one of which was being used by what appeared to be a little person. The man beg...

I reckon...

This "Yourself" guy must be sick of everyone imitating him.

That's some strong detergent

A little boy goes into the only grocery store in his small rural town. He asks the clerk for a box of laundry soap. The old man at the counter asked what kind to which the little boy replied "It don't matter, I'm just usin' it ta give my dog a bath anyway." The clerk warned him "That stuff is pretty...

People reckon I'm too patronising

(that means I treat them as if they're stupid).

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A man goes into a book shop and asks the assistant, "I heard there's a new book just out about living with a small penis. I'm not sure what it's called. Have you got it in yet?"

Assistant: "Yes, that's the one."


(Other versions have been posted but I reckon this is the right formulation...)

A man and his dog walk into a bar...

The man proceeds to sit on a stool and the dog quickly follows, jumping onto the next stool. The barkeep tells the man ‘Sir your dog can’t sit there!’

‘Well I reckon he can. You see, this is no ordinary dog. This dog here has the gift of speech, and that makes him my best friend. And I believ...

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My mate in Scotland reckons his scrotum got to -273 degrees last night.

I reckon that's absolute bollocks

In order to get to the valves, a mechanic carefully removed the engine parts from a car while the car owner - a surgeon - looked on.

Afterwards the mechanic said to the surgeon:
'You know, I reckon my line of work is every bit as difficult and skilled as yours.'

'Perhaps,' said the surgeon, 'But I'd like to see you do it while the engine is running.'

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Teaching Virgil

Ma and Paw are sitting on the porch when Paw says "Ma, Virgil is 18 its about time he learns about fuckin".

"Well how you reckon we teach him Paw?" Says Ma.

"You go in the bedroom and get naked on the bed and spread your legs. I'll be in in a minute."

Paw goes to his son and say...

Two old men in Glasgow are talking...

"Here, did you see the Vienna Philharmonic are coming to town?"

\- "Nae bother, I reckon Rangers'll stick a couple of goals past 'em"

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God calls in an Albanian, a Grecian, and a Serbian for a quick reckoning.

God has realized that things aren't going so well in the general vicinity of the Balkans so he calls up an Albanian, a Grecian, and a Serbian to convince them to change their ways.
First he calls in the Grecian and says to them, "Your people have become so lazy in recent years! You're ruining e...

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You know how some people have arachnophobia?

Do you reckon some spiders have homophobia?

Two Australians were sitting around talking over a beer..

After a while the first Australian says to the second, “If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"

The second Australian crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head...

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Two friends are sitting in a coffee shop.

One glances up and sees an Asian man sitting at a table nearby and says to his buddy, "I reckon that's a Japanese man over there. With his business suit and laptop."

"Hmmm, I think they're Chinese. His ponytail and long mustache gives it away." Replied his friend.

Luckily a third frien...

The Lantern

Deep in the back woods of Letcher County, Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
As there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here..You hold this high so I can see wh...

Two farmers <a geek joke>

Two farmers were chatting,

One says, “You reckon the profit on your crops this year will be significant?”

“All depends,” said the other.

“On what”

“My pea value”

Two farmers each buy a pig at the market

The farmers, let’s call them Clarence and Earl (because those are the only names I can think of that sound like the names farmers would have), decide that in order to save money they would keep the pigs in the same pen. Clarence then tells Earl, “let’s clip the ear off of one of the pigs so we can t...

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A newcomer notices a barrel in town with a hole in the side and a long line to stand in front of it...

It's a small town, pretty isolated, and a little rough but the citizens all seem friendly. When the person asks "why are so many people waiting to stand in front of the barrel?", an old-timer tells them to wait in line and find out.

Sure enough, the newcomer waits their turn and after about 4...

A man is walking down a country road, and comes upon a mud puddle that covers the entire lane.

The lane is fenced in and the man must either walk through the puddle or turn back. As the man looks about for something to possibly bridge the puddle, he spies an old farmer on the other side of the fence.

The man hollers to farmer, “Hey farmer, how deep is this here puddle? I’ve a long ways...

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There's an elderly couple who has reached that point in life, where sex isn't part of the itinerary anymore. One night, the wife turns to her husband and says, "Every-time one of us wants to have a bit of a slap and tickle, we just have to say, "Washing machine."

A night passes, and the husband leans over and whispers, "Washing machine." The wife gives him a shove and informs him that she has a headache.

A few nights go by and the same thing happens, but the husband is determined and he reckons he’ll just give it one more try. He leans over and whispe...

My mate says he's turning into a kookaburra

I reckon he's just having a laugh

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A boy from the country attended the prestigious university in the city.

With his degree, he got prizes in mathematics and metaphysics. The lad's father came up to the college to see his son graduate.

"Weel, Dr. Thompson" asked the old farmer to a professor, "And what may these mathematics be for which my son has getten a prize?"

"Mathematics is to do with ...

A couple fingers, Vaseline, and the grace of God

Not an original joke but hilarious nonetheless. Presented for your enjoyment.


This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his w...

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An woman was taking a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped over, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Dave. "Dave! Dave!” she yelled. Dave came running in. "Dave, I've fuckin’ suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Holy shit!" he said and tried to pull her up."You're just too heavy girl. I'll go across the road and get Steve"

They came back and they both trie...

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Reported to Bruce Forsyths favourite.

Husband and wife are chatting over breakfast
Husband "They guys in the pub last night were talking about our randy Postman. They reckon he's had sex with every woman in our street, except one"
Wife pauses for a moment :" Probably that stuck up cow at number 27"

An American working in London visits a rural pub in the west country

There are three farmers sitting at a table and he can't help but overhear their discussion.

"I reckons its like TrrrrrrrrrUUUUUUUMMMP!" says the first farmer ending the sound with a triumphant squeaking crescendo

"No no, it's more like Trrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuoooooomp" responds the ...

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A rich business man suspected his wife of cheating

So he hired a shady private investigator to confirm his suspicions. One afternoon while at work he gets a call from the PI to meet him top of a high rise building. He immediately rushes there. Once there the PI hands him a pair of binoculars and points across the street at the neighbouring high rise...

A travelling salesman was driving down a back road...

...when he saw a man in overalls, standing in an orchard, holding something that looked quite heavy up next to an apple tree. He decided to pull over and see what was going on.

He climbed over a fence and, as he got nearer, he realized that a farmer was holding a huge pig up about shoulder h...

My grandmother died recently

She was found keeled over in her kitchen, her dentures stained with foods high in antioxidants.

The doctors said it was a heart attack but I know better...

I reckon it was an oxi-dental overdose.

An old accountant had a curious habit

Everyday, just after he arrived in the office, he would take a small and battered yellow envelope from his drawer and peruse attentively the single sheet of paper inside. Then, he would take a glance around the office, smile and nod to himself, and go on with his day normally.

His employees ...

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A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million do...

What's the difference between Steve Jobs and a hillbilly?

One has an iPhone and the other has an iReckon.

A hunter and his friend are walking down a path when they spot a deep hole in the ground.

The hunter says "how far do ya reckon that hole goes?" The friend replies with "i don't know, lets chuck something down there and find out." They both lug an old radiator from the nearby bushes over to it and let it fall in. They start to count and listen for the thud, but before they hear it land, ...

I'm all ready to blow the lid on nepotism in today's society!

Had some trouble interesting a publisher, but my uncle reckons he can have a word in the right ears.

(EDIT: This was the third time I tried this. The first two got auto-modded, possibly for "self-promotion")

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Ryan Gosling went to live in Saudi Arabia for a year.

He and a local Saudi girl fell in love.

The girl would secretly sneak out of her house in the middle of the night without a male companion to hangout with Ryan. They would go to Ryan's place and make love for the whole night. Ryan would drop her back before the dawn. She would quietly sneak i...

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The Bravest and Fiercest

The king was getting old and did not trust his sons to rule his kingdom after his passing. He decided that he must find a husband for his daughter. This man, who would one day take the throne, had to be the bravest and fiercest warrior in all the land.

The king devised a test. his engineers ...

Bubba and Billy Bob

One day when Bubba and Billy Bob were in the Little Rock Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They each bought five tickets at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Billy Bob won 1st place - a year's supply of go...

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A Jewish man owns a craft shop

The local tailor, a known racist and anti-Semite, goes into his shop and says "Oi, I want some yellow yarn, deliver it to my shop tomorrow at nine exactly."

The Jewish shop owner is loathe to serve this man, but knowing it's where almost a quarter of his profits come from, he has little choic...

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So three guys are hanging out in their basement,

The first guys says, "Hey, I have a pretty small head, I reckon I have the smallest head."

The second guy goes, "I've got a pretty small nose, I think I may have the smallest nose."

The third guy says, "You know, I think I have the smallest dick."

So the next morning all three o...

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

This covid19 sucks

Covid 20 will be less buggy I reckon

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I know a guy who trained to be a vet and claims to have done extensive research on bovine faeces.

But I reckon that’s bullshit.

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One hillbilly says to the other, "You wanna play twenty questions?"

The other hillbilly asks, "What's that?"

He says, "I write something on a piece of paper and you get twenty questions to guess what it be."

So he takes out a piece of paper and writes "donkey dick" on it.

The other hillbilly takes a second to think and asks, "Can you eat it?"...

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A guy walks into an antique store with a small wooden box

"My Granddaddy found this in the flotsam of a Nazi sub they sank off the coast of Hatteras." He opened up the box to reveal a finely made typwriter-like machine with 4 wheels set in it. "What do you reckon it is?" He asked the store owner.

"Why sir, that is an enigma."

"Damn! No o...

I remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket...

"Hey, how far do you reckon I could kick this bucket?"

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I don't understand why guys get really excited over threesomes. I much rather stay home and masturbate

I reckon a bird in hand is worth two in bush

Bob walked into a sports bar around 5:58 PM.

He sat down next to a very attractive blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 6 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?”

Bob said, "You...

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Sum bitch

Two alter boys are fishing on a dock. One of the boys gets a bite and struggles to reel him in. When he finally gets the best of the fish, he snatches him up and proclaims to the other alter boy "Look at this big sum bitch!" The other alter boy says "You can't say that you're an alter boy" to w...

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In math class a boy is asked how high he thinks the school is.

Boy: "I reckon about 4'8"
Teacher: "That is utterly ridiculous how do you get this idea"
Boy: "Well I'm 5' and I have it up till here with this."
Off course he gets kicked out. Sitting in the yard the Principal comes by and asks what's up.
Boy: "I got kicked out for guessing the school...

John and Susie just got married.

John and Susie just got married and are spending their honeymoon at a beautiful resort on a fishing lake. For the first 3 days of their getaway, John is spotted by the groundskeeper, fishing all day long. Finally, the groundskeeper decides to approach him.




"Hey there son, I recko...

"How big do you suppose that fence is?"

"I reckon that fence is around a yard."

An old farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery...

... and is being interviewed. The reporter asked what he is going to do with all the money.
"Oh, I reckon the first thing I'll do is go and pay a few bills."
"And what about the rest?" the reporter continued.
The farmer shrugs. "Well, I guess they'll just have to wait."

Two old men were waiting for their steam train which was running late.

"I know this train driver, his name is Bob. First time he's ever been late," one says.

"All train drivers are late some days," replies the other.

"No, not Bob, ever. He may never speak to anyone, or even look them in the eye, but he gets on that train and burns his secret ingredient an...

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger..."

"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, and stepped up on the walk and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon. "Hold on there, M...

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The doctor said I have an "unhealthy relationship" with porn.

But I reckon he's wrong. I must have burnt thousands of calories just this week.

My car can speed faster than bullets, drive under water and knock down evil like bowling pins.

It's a Porsche to be reckoned with

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3 guys are in a bar. First guy says, "Guys you know, my arms are really small.

I think I might have the world's tiniest arms." Second guy says, "That's weird, I reckon my head is like, the smallest head". The third guy goes "Guys, my dick is really small actually, I might just have the tiniest dick" The first man says "Do you know what guys, we should go down to the Guinness w...

A time traveller asks his friend

A time traveller asks his friend, "I might host a party for my birthday last year, I regret not having one, what do you reckon?

The friend replies ,"yea it was alright".

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Young Jimmy got mixed in with a bad crowd and found himself headed to jail. Being his first time, he was a little intimidated by the things he’d heard, so he was looking for some advice.

His uncle was a colorful fellow and a world traveler, and Jimmy figured he probably knew his way out of a dangerous situation better than anyone else he knew. After Jimmy explained his predicament, the uncle said:

“Yeah, I reckon I have some advice. Some years ago I was overseas riding throu...

An 80y/o bloke goes to the doctor for his regular checkup.

Doc: "How are you feeling then Mr Tabernackle?" Mr Tabernackle: 'I feel amazing. I just hit a 90 on 18 holes at the club, went for a great swim and my 21 year old wife is pregnant!' Doc: "That's incredible!" Mr Tabernackle: 'Well you don't have to be so astounded. I may be 80 but I keep myself in go...

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Two lads are learning to cuss

Two brothers are learning to cuss and they decide they need practice. Their conversation goes something like this...

Older bro: tomorrow when we go downstairs for breakfast I’m gonna say “hell” and you’re gonna say “ass”

Younger bro: alrighty!

The next day when the boys go downs...

Did you hear Han Solo will be running next years London Marathon?

He says he reckons he'll be able to finish in less than 26 miles

Delayed Comprehension

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that nigh...

A pirate goes into a doctor's office.

He asks the doctor to inspect his back because he happened to find some lumps there. After careful examination, the doctor tells the pirate, "Don't worry. They're benign," to which the pirate replied, "Aargh, check them again. I reckon there at least be ten."

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My wife has just got a job at the local sewage works.

I reckon she will be the best shit stirrer they have ever had.

A rich Texan is on vacation in Ireland...

One of my oldest, one of my favorites, but I haven't seen it pop up since I've been subbed. But of course it's surely a repost. I like to put on the Texan drawl and Irish accent for this one...

After a long day of sightseeing the Irish countryside the Texan wants to relax and have a beer so...

A man and his wife...

A man and his wife are making the long drive back to their rural farm late one wintry evening. While still some distance from home, a mother skunk and her kit dart in front of the car, and unfortunately, the mother skunk is killed instantly. The wife insists that her husband stop the car, which he d...

A cowboy had just gotten married and found a nice hotel for the wedding night.





He approached the front desk with his new wife and asked for a room.



He said, "We’re on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed."



The clerk winked, "You want the ’Bridal’?"



The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and...

Ole goes to heaven

So one day ole passed away and arrived at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter said "In order to get into heaven, you have to answer 3 questions. if you correctly answer them, you can enter heaven."

ole said "well alright, whats the first question?"

Peter replied "the first question ...

Some guy threw Sodium Chloride at me...

I reckoned, "Na, it's Cl", but my friends keep insisting it's a salt.

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