UPJOKE
troubleanxietyconcernfretvexcarefearheadacheinterestoccupydwellemotionmindbroodfuss

The best part about being married is not having to worry whether or not about I’m getting laid tonight

I already know it’s not gonna happen!

So, my girlfriend kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry

I'll return.

My bride stood up in front of everyone. She said, "I would like to make a speech, but don't worry I'm not going to bore you with a long one," to which I smiled.

Until she added: "Instead I'll talk about the groom's good traits."

One of my friends stood up. "So, you won't be mentioning his taste in women?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

Why does the government worry about keeping the roads plowed?

Because they can’t have another Edward Snowed In incident.

Over 90% of the things you worry about, never happens.

Which proves....Worrying really works.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
...

Well, after spending all day worrying about a food shortage at the annual spoonerism contest...

it turns out it was just a lack of pies!

My girlfriend has made so much money since she's been on OnlyFans that I've got a new car and a set of custom golf clubs

I do worry that someone will recognize her in public and tell her she's on it though.

After many years of not going to church an elderly lady decides to go to her local service.

Although very poor and with worn-out clothing, she dressed in her best and headed out. As she approached the church, she saw all the people dressed in such splendor. Not a stain, not a rip or tear on any of their clothes. The preacher and deacons stood and welcomed people as they entered.

She...

The last time I got Indian food I had a slight problem with the bread. I told them not to worry though.

It was a naan issue.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

Funny country-name pun (it’s of a small little-known country so don’t worry)

So there’s his country between France and Spain. It’s so tiny, it’s Andorra-ble.

I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry, the doctors say I should be fine, but I must warn you -

.. the Dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name!

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon and it’s starting to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.

Putin throws out a bottle of vodka and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my country anyway”

Biden throws out an AR-15 and says “d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother and her young son were driving in their car when a dildo suddenly flies outta nowhere and hits the windshield, the mother trying to not ruin the child’s innocence says “it was just a bug sweetie, don’t worry”

The kid replies saying “How it even got of the ground with a dick that big amazes me”

My friend is addicted to drinking brake fluid, but tells me not to worry about him

He can stop any time

Scientists are worried about a new variant of COVID that makes you sweat mayonnaise...

...but don't worry, they're confident they can contain the spread.

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell

The devil awaits him. He says “Bill, don’t worry, it’s not as bad down here as they say. I let you pick your eternal punishment for yourself.”

“What are my options?” Bill asks.

So the devil shows him around.

Behind the first door is Ronald Reagan. He’s chained up, and getting w...

I started worrying that my jokes are painfully outdated..

I felt discouraged and despondent when I realized my material doesn't resonate with young people today. I'm in a topical depression.

Whats the difference between worry and panic?

About 28 days

Thankfully it's not another virus we have to worry about.

The police have found a large number of dead crows on the 101 just north of
Ventura early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed
the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
Th...

Surgeon: "don't worry, Micheal. This is but a small surgery"

Patient: "my name is not Micheal. It's Dan".

Surgeon: "I know. My name is Micheal".

*after 500 surgeries.

Patient: "Doctor, I'm really worried. This is my first surgery".

Surgeon Micheal: "Don't worry. This is my 500th surgery".

Patient: "thanks Doctor. Now I know...

If you've ever fretted about the eventual heat death of the universe, don't worry...

Everything's gonna be 0 K

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted twenty dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.


"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.


"...

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

Women don't ever have to worry about me trying to get into their pants.

They don't even have any pockets! Where would I keep my hackey sack and MTG cards?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A random girl asked me to explain to her what an NFT is

I replied that an NFT is like everyone fucking your wife and using her, but you don't have to worry because you have the paperwork which says you are married to her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walked into a bar with a monkey

A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.

The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.

Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swall...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wedding Night..

A virgin is nervous on her wedding night.

Her husband says, "don't worry there's no pressure." We'll come up with a signal when you're ready."

"If you want to have sex, pull my penis once. If you don't, pull it 100 times."

I called my mom and told her not to worry, but I'm in the hospital.

She told me "You're the goddamn doctor and this wasn't funny the first time."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God decides it’s finally time to send Jesus back to Earth.

*poof* All of a sudden, Jesus finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America. He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift.
Not revealing his true identity, Jesus thanks the man for stopping.

Jesus: Wow thank you sir, so ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The joke store

A guy gets a job at a practical joke store.

To help him learn the ropes, the proprietor has him spend the first week just sorting through all the different practical jokes they sell, learning what they do and making sure everything's correctly labelled and organised. And what a variety! They'...

I always worry when a women sees me naked for the first time..

She's going to scream and run out of the park...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck walks into a psychiatrist's office...

He sits on the couch and the two stare at each other in silence for a moment. Eventually the duck says, "Quack."

"Get out of here!" yells the psychiatrist. "I won't be ridiculed in my office."

The duck travels to another psychiatrist's office. He sits on the couch. The two look at each...

Just ended a 5 year relashionship

Don't worry guys it was not my relationship

How can you tell if someone plays Wordle?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are my testicles Black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, S...

Don't worry, plenty of more fish in the sea

Except wherever the Chinese fishing fleet has been.

Three nuns.

Three nuns are at the grocery store shopping. The eggplant they wanted to buy was only available in packs of four. Distressed, the first nun says , “ what do we do sister? There are three of us, but the package is for four!” “Don’t you worry about that,” says the second nun. “We’ll just cook the...

One day in heaven

\[Pre: I'm not a native English speaker and the joke is actually from germany. Hope he survives translation\]

One day Peter walks through the heavens and passes by the pearly gates when he hears someone knocking. He opens the gate and a guy stands outside with some heavy bruises, torn clothes...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is flying a plane over the Amazon, when he suddenly crashes….

But he’s ok, don’t worry. He’s staggering through the jungle when he suddenly realizes he’s surrounded by bloodthirsty savages. And he thinks, “Man, I am totally fucked.”

“No”, a voice booms out from the heavens, “You’re not fucked.”

The voice continues, “Listen to me very carefully. G...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a trucker is driving down the road...

and he sees these two guys standing by the side of the road. He stops and they ask if they could have a ride to the next town over, so he lets them on, and they keep driving. A bit down the road, one of the guys asks,

"Hey is it ok if I pass some gas?"

The trucker thinks its a bit weir...

Quit worrying about life.

You won't survive it anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boom twang

A joke my dad told me when I was a kid.

It's a bit long.


Terry the truck driver was on his usual route when he spotted a nun on the side of the highway in need of a lift, well he flicked on the Jacobs brake and started dropping gears. He pulled up beside her and said "jump on in s...

Little Timmy wants to take the dog for a walk and ask his mom if he can take her around the block.

The mom knows the dog is in heat but doesn't want to tell Timmy he can't take the dog for a walk and open that can of worms with little Timmy on what it means and tread down the 'birds and the bees', so instead she tells little Timmy to go ask his dad instead.

So little Timmy goes out to the...

A woman sends her husband to the market to sell a goat.

After selling it, he stopped by the blacksmith and bought a vise and a basket. He put the vise in the basket and headed home. On his way back, he saw a merchant selling livestock.
Having leftover money, he decided to buy a duck as well. The merchant tells him:
"Listen mister, I only have these...

Will Smith...

Should worry less about whose mouth his wife's name is in, and more about who's in his wife's mouth.

I often worry about my attention span.

But never for long.

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange i...

A man went to doctor as his legs were getting blue

A man goes to a doctor and tells him that his legs are slowly turning blue
Doctor checks his leg and tells him that his legs have came in contact with something poisonous and should be cut off else it will spread in his whole body.

Doctors then chop off his legs and he goes back to his hom...

A Middle Eastern guy is driving to a bar.

He gets to the bar, parks his car, walks inside, buys a lot of drinks, and is about to pay when he realizes he left his wallet at home!

The man says, "I'll be right back, Bartender!"

The bartender responds with, "I don't think you're in any condition to be driving right now."

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Young woman visits her gynecologist

After the checkup, he says: "Everything looks OK. If you have no questions, you are free to go."

She turn red and says, she has a question, but she is too embarased. But continues: "My partner wanted to try anal sex and when we did it, I liked it a lot and want to do it again, but first I wan...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't worry, no matter what your stance is on anal sex..

I'm sure you'll partner will be right behind you.

Beethoven

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to...

A man parks his car in the Red Square in Soviet Russia

A policeman rushes over and yells: "Why are you parking here? Do you know where this is? This is the government's place!"

The man replies: "I know, don't worry, the lock on my car is really good"

Someone brings their new friend over to their house for the first time.

The friend is walking through the living room when they stop at the fireplace and pick up an odd-looking jar that caught their eye. "What's this?" they ask.

The host replies, "Oh, that's my Father's ashes."

Startled, the friend turns and accidentally drops the container onto the floor ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is long, but I think it's worth it.

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.
He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If y...

Bus Stop

A woman walks across a busy intersection at the crosswalk to walk over to the bus stop, but an Uber hits her and she is pronounced dead on the scene. She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God. He looks her up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you ...

A young man was sitting outside a pub...

....having a drink and generally feeling good about life when out of absolutely nowhere he was struck across the face by a newspaper wielded by a furious nun. She began sounding off to him about the evils of drink.

"How dare you, you scoundrel! Have you no shame?! Drinking is a sin! Alcohol i...

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A company that sells nails decides to start advertising their product...

A company that sells nails decides to start advertising their product.

Their CEO goes to an ad agency to inquire about creating a large billboard downtown. He meets with an account executive and explains his need: "We have a good business, but I just feel like most people have never heard of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A religious mother sees her young son masturbating

When the father gets home he sees that the mother is beyond consolation. 'Oh no what would God think of us for raising such an immoral child' she cries hysterically.

The father tells her 'Honey don't worry, let me deal with it, tomorrow I am gonna take our son on a road trip and we will have ...

I walk into my Granddaddy's house drinking a coke

He tells me, "Boy, you drinking too many of those cokes. Don't you know that isn't good for your teeth?"

I say, "You be drinking bourbon everytime I've seen you since I can remember. For breakfast, lunch, and dinner. "

He says, "yeah , but that ain't gonna mess up my teeth."

You...

Round on a joke app: Three engineers and three accountants take a train for a business trip.

The accountants each buy themselves a ticket, then the engineers buy one. After turning to walk away, the accountants ask the other two engineers why they didn't get one. They say they don't need em to get there. "But how will you all ride the train?" Anyway, they all board the train and the three a...

My boyfriend asked me to stop making jokes about killing myself

"Don't worry", I said, "I won't be doing it for much longer."

If you see somebody wearing a mask pulled down below their nose, don’t worry...

Those people are all mouth-breathers anyway

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, Shouldn’t Wouldn’t Couldn’t Didn’t! Can’t

Don’t worry, said the doc. Those are just contractions.

Attention! Is there a Doctor on the Plane?!

I am a doctor.

-Please help him!!

But I'm a Pathologist.

-But he's dying!

Don't worry, I can wait.

So I was riding with my friend the other day when he ran a red light. Just went straight through it.

I said "what are you doing, you could have killed us!"

He said "don't worry, my brother does it all the time and he's fine."

Then he did it again, with the same conversation. I was getting really nervous then, and just felt better when I finally saw a green light in front of us.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just le...

The president announced that Oklahoma was taking over the United States.

He said, "Don't worry, the US will be OK."

The trainee competition judge arrived at the village fair

He meets his mentor at the entrance.

"Nice to meet, nice to meet, nice to meet you," stammers the mentor. "Forgive my, forgive my, forgive my speech impediment."

"Please, don't worry about it," says the trainee.

They head off to judge the villagers' chilli peppers. They come to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I miss the age where my biggest worry was how I would tell my mom I pissed the bed.

Oh to be 23 again

2 deer are talking together when another animal comes by, the animal says "don't worry, I'm not going to eat you", so one of the deer responded saying:

"He's lion"

Lenin was on the deathbed, with Stalin sitting by his side...

Lenin says: "Joseph... I'm not sure you're the right man to lead the country after me. I don't know if the people will follow you."

Stalin responds: "Don't worry, Vladimir Ilyich. Half of the country will follow me, and the other half will follow you."

A husband was sitting on the sofa one afternoon when his wife came up behind him and whacked him on the head.

The husband asked ‘What the hell was that for?’

The wife replied ‘That’s for the slip of paper in your pocket with the name Laura Lou on it!’

‘Don’t worry’, said the husband, that’s just the name of a racehorse I put a bet on a few days ago’.
Satisfied, the wife apologised to her hu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Salesman’s promise

A salesman knocked at the door and a woman answers. The salesman barges in and scatters fresh horseshit all around the living room floor and the carpet.
The woman is shocked and her kids are amused.

The salesman confidently says, “Do not worry. I am selling this brand new extra power vacu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a hooker

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.

The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.

The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door.

"Hi honey, ho...

A beekeeper gave me 13 bees instead of 12

“Don’t worry”, she said, “it’s a freebee”

My wife told me not to worry about her ex, because he was hung like a baby.

That made me feel better until I ran into him at the gym, and saw that it's 20 inches long, and weighs 9 pounds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob's a truck driver

Bob gets bored on long drives, so he came up with a game. If he sees a lawyer walking on the sidewalk, he'll hop the curb and run him over.

One day, Bob picks up a hitchhiking priest. The priest is quietly studying his Bible. Bob sees a lawyer. Because the priest was so quiet, Bob forgo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is sitting in a bar getting super drunk....

After he had way too many drinks, he pukes all over his shirt. He's yells out "oh shit, not again, my wife is going to kill me."

Hearing this, the bartender tells him to take a $20 bill out of his wallet, and put it in his shirt pocket, and when he gets home to tell his wife that someone else...

A capitol wioter almost got awested and beaten by the cops today but don't worry

He's all white

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't Worry. The Tides Will Take Care of It.

Upon learning that the captain of the freighter that blocked the Suez Canal was ambivalent about the mess he created, the ship has been re-christened as the *No Fucks Ever Given.*

Doctor: "Don't worry Dave, it's just a small operation"

Patient: "but doc my name's not Dave!"

Doctor: "I know, it's my name"

Don’t worry, the coronavirus won’t last long.

Because it’s made in China.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.