A man got in a bad accident and got his left arm and left leg ripped off. But don't worry about him.

He's all right now!

My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry,

I'll return.

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John was starting to worry about his 12 year old son Jack.

Jack was a D student, and only because John helped complete all of Jack's homework. Jack wasn't good at sports. He didn't have many friends. And it seemed like once a week he was getting called into the principal's office for some sort of misbehavior. So John told Jack, in a last ditch effort to get...

Don't worry too much about Net Neutrality!

Spending extra dollars to use some websites will give you a "sense of pride and accomplishment"!

Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.” “Really? Why do you think so?”

“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”

Doctor: "Don't worry Dave, it's just a small operation"

Patient: "but doc my name's not Dave!"

Doctor: "I know, it's my name"

BlackBeard the pirate visited his doctor about some moles on his back he'd been worrying about.

Doc - "It's ok Blackbeard, they're benign"
Blackbeard - "Count them again me heartie, I think there be ten!"...

A giant fly is attacking New York, but don't worry...

The SWAT team is on it.

Not to worry. I was only testing the smoke detectors.

On a totally unrelated subject. Supper is ready.

"My biggest worry is that nobody will remember my name when I am gone."

~~ Some Dead Guy

My glasses may be fogged up, but don't worry I'll be fine.

I'm optimistic!

People worry about their "summer body"

but I've been working on my "winter weight" for years

Do not worry about the media lying to you all the time.

You'll get newsed to it.

Why did the obese woman not worry about her health?

She already had too much on her plate

I've lost a third of my weight, but don't worry.

I'm ight.

A worried husband calls the police, his wife is missing.

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know...

Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.

Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out.

"What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!"

Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch. "We were playing golf... we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and...

Don't worry if you have been cheating on your taxes.

It'll be fine.

If a Stormtrooper offers to give you a ride in his car, you shouldn’t worry about ending up in a car accident

They have a stellar safety record, because they’ve never hit anything since the beginning of time

If you forget the rules of Chess don't worry...

... you're allowed to check

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

My 24 year old sister is worried about keeping a man around as a single mother of two

Recently she's been seeing this older gentleman that she's worried about scaring off because of her kids. I keep telling her there is nothing to worry about, he was really sweet to me when I was younger. He loves kids

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A guy and a girl are on their third date.

They haven't done anything more than kissing and the guy was getting a little bit desperate for action. So after a movie and some food he suggest they take a drive up the mountain to get a view of the city. (and some privacy before taking her home). Up there in the car they start kissing. He makes a...

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I said to my doctor, "I've got a problem with my penis. Just before I'm about to make love to my wife, she laughs at it." He chuckled, Don't worry that's quite common."

Reluctantly relieved, I asked, "Really?"

"Yes." He replied. "She laughs at everyone's."

A woman in labor suddenly shouted out “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”

I was eating at a restaurant and decided to try a dish I'd never had before. I was quite shocked when I found out that the meal was just a small plant with thick, fleshy leaves. But don't worry...

...it was succulent.

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A joke I made up that's funny only when you look back at it.

This guy shows up to his optometrist and says "I have a weird problem",



The Optometrists replies, "What seems to be the trouble?"



The guys says, "Everything's blurry. My vision is horrible!"



"That's pretty common", the Optometrist replies. "We can certai...

If you are not in love on Valentine's Day, don't worry.

You don't have to be dead on Halloween, either.

A mother called the doctor about her teenage daughter. "She refuses to eat anything but yeast and car wax. Now she's lying in bed asleep and I can't wake her. What should I do?" "There's nothing to worry about." said the doctor,

"she'll rise and shine soon enough..."

A politician makes a trip to a village

A politician visited a village and asked villagers what their needs were.

"We have two basic needs honorable Sir", replied the villager leader.

"Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor."

On hearing this, the politician brought out his phone, after speaking for a while he told ...

People are worrying about Huawei stealing personal info but it's the Western technologies (Apple, Blackberry, Raisin, Raspberry pi) that we should be concerned about.

They're much more likely to be inciders.

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Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. “Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.”

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.”

“Don’t worry, Maria,” says the mother,” all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you...

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A man dies and finds himself in Hell.

He is greeted by Satan.

Satan: Welcome to Hell! Hey, why do you look so glum?

Man: Why do you think I look so glum? I'm in HELL! Isn't it eternal torture?

Satan: Nah, you've got us all wrong. Hell is pretty okay. When you were alive, did you drink?

Man: Yeah, I drank way ...

When Beethoven passed away...

...He was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some...

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A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

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Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while, he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, “Dave, don’t worry about it. You’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be t...

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I just found out my new doctor is a young, drop-dead gorgeous female! I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.”

I said, “I think my penis tastes funny…”

“Don’t worry, my friend! Every mischief will end someday.”

“That’s so optimistic!”

“I work at the graveyard, my friend.”

Two praying mantises are mating

The male says: “This feels so good, but I don’t want you to eat me after this.”
The other mantis replies: “Yeah don’t worry, only the females do that.”

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Pilot says to the passengers, one engine has failed but don't worry this plane has four engines it will only add 20 minutes to the flight, then a second and third engine fail, Pilot says it's OK this plane can run on one engine and only adds 2 hours to the flight. Paddy says.

Fucking heck if the other engine fails, we could be up here forever.

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my good Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. And do worry

...because as I left I had to tell my pregnant maid, “Come with me if you want to live”

Don't worry about straying from your diet today.

It's Tom Brady's cheat day, too.

My wife was in labour and started shouting "Wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"

My mother used to say, "If it wouldn't matter after 5 years, don't worry about it."

Apparently, that's not a very good thing to say to someone recently diagnosed with cancer.

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

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One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."

Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

If single life is hard don't worry, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

You just have to weave through all the plastic

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A guy goes to a brothel.

A guy wants to go to a brothel. He arrives at the door and asks the guard :

"I want to check the services that this brothel offers"

"Sure man, the office is on the first door on the right"

The guard opens the door and guides him to the office.

The man behind the counter...

A man goes to the Doctor for a prostate exam.

The Doctor puts on his rubber glove and the man bends down. The Doctor sticks his finger and proceeds with the checkup. After about a minute the Doctor says:

\- Don't worry, it's very normal to get an erection during this exam.

The man replies:

\- But I don't have an erection....

Of all the bad things that are happening in China, one particular stands out.

Edit - Nothing bad is happening in China --- Everything is fine .-. There's no need to worry - people are happy ..- China is peaceful .-. with peaceful history .

I took a cab and told the cabbie I was in a hurry...

The cabbie said no problem and starting speeding through the streets. We came up on a yellow light and instead of slowing down, he sped up and shot through the intersection.

I asked "Hey, should you slow down a bit?"

"Don't worry about it. All of my buddies drive this way."

We ...

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Son: "I fell in love with a beautiful girl."

Father: "That's great, do I know her?"

Son: "Yes, it is Andrea who lives across the street."

Father: "Oh that is bad, I am sorry, don't tell this to your mom but Andrea is your sister."

The boy is upset, but accepts the truth.

After few months he comes to his dad again...

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

A man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bar tender "If I impress you, can I have a free drink?". The bar tender said sure, so the man reached in his pocket and pulled out a tiny piano. He then pulled out a small rat and set it by the piano. It crawled on to the bench and began playing

music. The bar tender was amazed, so he gave the man a beer. Next, the man said "If I impress you even more, can I have free drinks for life?". The bar tender didn't think it was possible, so he agreed. The man pulled a frog out of his pocket, and it began to sing by the piano. The bar tender smiled...

Wife: “We must go home, I left the stove on”

Husband: “Don’t worry, I left the tap running”

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Lots of people are upset that R. Kelly posted bail, don't worry though

It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Why don’t we have to worry about the Chinese invading

Because general tso is a chicken

What do rap fans and classic rock fans have in common?

They both have to worry about their favorite artist dying before the concert

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There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident...

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The wife's face was burned severely. The doctor suggested for a skin graft, but unfortunately, the doctor had to inform her that they couldn't use any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then offered to donate some of hi...

I've been thrown in prison for telling dad jokes...

Turns out I wasn't authorised, as I'm not a dad.


But don't worry, I'll be seeking a pa-role.

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A woman pregnant with triplets , 2 girls and a boy, was walking down the street when she was shot 3 times in the stomach

Somehow, miraculously , she and all 3 of her babies survived. 19 years later she’s at a family reunion and her first daughter comes up to her , visibly shaken. She says “mom, I just pissed out a bullet and I’m freaking out!” She sits down and holds her head in her hands , panicking. The mom figures ...

A little girl goes up to a preacher one day to confess her sins

"I believe I am guilty of the sin of vanity," the girl told the preacher.

To which the preacher responds "Why do you think that."

The girl tells him "Well every morning I look at myself in the mirror and think about how beautiful I am"

Then the preacher tells the girl "Oh don't ...

Two ants, a mother and her daughter, are out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One of them, with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support o...

My wife is really worried about having to meet new people on our upcoming cruise.

I said, “Don’t worry. We are all in the same boat.”

Jesus: "Pardon me, I'm afraid I don't know what to do with this cross."

Roman soldier: "Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it."

Hands shaking, voice trembling, I faintly rasped, "Mom, I'm in the hospital, but don't worry, I'm fine."

After a silence that seemed to go on forever, she replied, "You have to stop this. You've been a doctor for 3 years now."

Why didn't the mitochondria worry about being beat up in jail?

Because he was the powerhouse of the cell.

I don't have to worry about my browser history anymore

Whatever I search comes back as Facebook Ads

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I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me.....

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NSFW I told my co-worker

that my penis was having dirty thoughts about her. She didn’t need to worry though, I beat the shit out of it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last week I thought I took a fatal overdose of Viagra

But don't worry, I'm okay now.

But my wife -- she took it pretty hard.

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