UPJOKE
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The best part about being married is not having to worry whether or not about I’m getting laid tonight

I already know it’s not gonna happen!

If your parachute doesn't deploy don't worry..

You have the rest of your life to fix it.

My wife kicked me out of the house for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger references, but don’t worry...

I’ll return

A very worried woman ................................

went to the doctor’s to complain
about the male hormone she was having to take.
“Oh doctor, I’m growing hair in all sorts of places.”
“Don’t worry, that’s not unusual in a case like this. Where in
particular is the hair?”
“On my balls,” she replied

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Worried boy goes to doctor

A teenager worried about having three testicles goes to a urologist. The urologist assures him that it's nothing to worry about.

Relieved from tension, the boy goes to a stranger and says, "Did you know that there are 5 testicles among the two of us."

The stranger says, "I'm very sorr...

An Irishman's philosophy...there are only two things to worry about..

Either you are well, or you are sick.

If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about.

But if you're sick, there are two things to worry about.

Either you will get well, or you will die.

If you get well, there is nothing to worry about.

But if you die, there ...

A man goes running into a clinic shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor! You’ve got to help me! I’ve been stung by a bee!” The doctor says reassuringly, "Don’t worry, I’ll put some cream on it.”

“You’ll never find that bee. It must be miles away by now.”

“No, you don’t understand.” answers the doctor. “I’ll put some cream on the place you were stung.”

“Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house.”

“No, no, no!” says the doctor getting frustrated. “I mean, where on...

I called my mom and told her not to worry, but I'm in the hospital.

She told me "You're the goddamn doctor and this wasn't funny the first time."

Doctor: "Don't worry Dave, it's just a small operation"

Patient: "but doc my name's not Dave!"

Doctor: "I know, it's my name"

As I was going under for my eye surgery, I heard my doctor say, "It's just a simple eye surgery. Don't worry. You got this, Jeff."

I just barely managed to say, "I'm David, not Jeff."

He said, "I know. I'm Jeff."

Don't worry if you missed 4/20

Because today is 4/20 too!

Why doesn't the vampire's girlfriend worry about getting pregnant?

Vampires need permission to come inside.

Over 90% of the things you worry about, never happens.

Which proves....Worrying really works.

I often worry about my attention span.

But never for long.

How do you punctuate this: fun fun fun worry worry worry

Fun (period) Fun (period) Fun (no period) worry, worry, worry.

Step dad told me this 30 years ago... hope it still translates In writing.

Don’t worry, the coronavirus won’t last long.

Because it’s made in China.

I have a phobia of elevators. But, don't worry...

I'm taking steps to avoid them.

This morning I fell into a giant vat of bleach, but don't worry...

I'm all white!

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon

... when suddenly they started to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.

Putin throws out a bottle of vodka and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my country anyway”

Biden throws out an AR-15 and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my...

I like huffing brake fluid, but don't worry:

I can stop any time I like.

Doctor to patient: Don't worry, It's pretty common to get an erection during a rectal examination

Patient: I don't have an erection..
Doctor: But I do.

I think Americans are right to worry about immigrants

Because they might commit a mass shooting just to fit in with the culture.

If you robbed a bank. You wouldn't have to worry about rent, food, or any bills for about 20 years.

If you get busted for it ,or not.

Thankfully it's not another virus we have to worry about.

The police have found a large number of dead crows on the 101 just north of
Ventura early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed
the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
Th...

Some people worry about the heat death of the universe…

But it will all be 0K.

Whats the difference between worry and panic?

About 28 days

I will pay a person $5 000 a month to take care of my worries.

- How are you going to get the $5 000 a month to pay them?
- That is for them to worry about.

A man calls his mother and starts the conversation with "Ma, I don't want you to worry but I'm calling from the hospital"

The mother responds, "It wasn't funny the first time you started working there and it's not funny now!"

Surgeon: "don't worry, Micheal. This is but a small surgery"

Patient: "my name is not Micheal. It's Dan".

Surgeon: "I know. My name is Micheal".

*after 500 surgeries.

Patient: "Doctor, I'm really worried. This is my first surgery".

Surgeon Micheal: "Don't worry. This is my 500th surgery".

Patient: "thanks Doctor. Now I know...

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On day six of the Creation, God announced to his archangel underlings, "Today we're creating a place called Canada.

"Today we're creating a place called Canada. Pull out all the stops. Give it beautiful mountains, lakes, plains, forests, and sandy beaches. Underground, give it oil, gold, etc. Oh, and plenty of fish and wildlife."

"Sir," interjected an archangel, "aren't you being overly generous to the...

Jewish mothers, right?

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your fa...

Lenin was on the deathbed, with Stalin sitting by his side...

Lenin says: "Joseph... I'm not sure you're the right man to lead the country after me. I don't know if the people will follow you."

Stalin responds: "Don't worry, Vladimir Ilyich. Half of the country will follow me, and the other half will follow you."

Periods are 100% normal and nothing to worry about.

But a semi colon is not; you should see a proctologist about that.

How do you offend an American?

Don't worry, they'll find something to be offended about.

Why does the government worry about keeping the roads plowed?

Because they can’t have another Edward Snowed In incident.

I always worry when a women sees me naked for the first time..

She's going to scream and run out of the park...

How can you tell who owns bitcoin at a party?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

Quit worrying about life.

You won't survive it anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother and her young son were driving in their car when a dildo suddenly flies outta nowhere and hits the windshield, the mother trying to not ruin the child’s innocence says “it was just a bug sweetie, don’t worry”

The kid replies saying “How it even got of the ground with a dick that big amazes me”

I'm in the hospital right now. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine.

But let me just say, the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.

I often worry about German sausages

Basically I fear the wurst.

"“Don’t worry; I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.”

-Cargo Shorts

I’m starting to worry about my grandads age.

He keeps talking about how seeing Hailey’s Comet was so much nicer the first time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wedding night

Sophia had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian girl living under the watchful eye of her mother, she remained a virgin up until she and her husband took their wedding vows…

On their wedding night, the newlyweds stayed at her mother's house, and Sophia was nervous. Her mother...

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A random girl asked me to explain to her what an NFT is

I replied that an NFT is like everyone fucking your wife and using her, but you don't have to worry because you have the paperwork which says you are married to her.

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A woman pregnant with triplets had a hunting accident with a pumpgun

She was rushed to surgery, but 3 of the bugshot shards could not get removed without endangering the kids, so they remained in her.

Later she delivers 2 boys and a girl, all healthy and well. Time goes by and nobody even thinks about the accident anymore, when they all become teenagers.
...

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Don't worry, no matter what your stance is on anal sex..

I'm sure you'll partner will be right behind you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."

Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

Hands shaking, voice trembling, I faintly rasped, "Mom, I'm in the hospital, but don't worry, I'm fine."

After a silence that seemed to go on forever, she replied, "You have to stop this. You've been a doctor for 3 years now."

If you've ever fretted about the eventual heat death of the universe, don't worry...

Everything's gonna be 0 K

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't Worry. The Tides Will Take Care of It.

Upon learning that the captain of the freighter that blocked the Suez Canal was ambivalent about the mess he created, the ship has been re-christened as the *No Fucks Ever Given.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I lost my penis in an accident and they took me to the hospital.

The doctor said "don't worry we have a range of penises we can surgically attach. We have small, medium and big. They all cost £10,000. I'll leave you to discuss it with your wife" 20 minutes later the doctor comes back in and asks for a decision.
"I've discussed it with my wife and we've decide...

Don’t worry about the antivax fad

It’ll die off sooner rather than later.

I parked my car outside parliament. "Sir, you can't park here," said a cop. "This is where our politicians work."

"Don't worry, I've locked it."

Funny country-name pun (it’s of a small little-known country so don’t worry)

So there’s his country between France and Spain. It’s so tiny, it’s Andorra-ble.

Clark Kent was lying in his death bed with his wife Lois Lane beside him.

After some time, Lois said “Darling, I have to confess something. Years ago, I had an affair with Superman. It was only one night, but I’ve regretted it ever since. I hope you can forgive me.”

“You don’t need to worry about that because,” Clark said as he took off his glasses, “I am Superman!...

I donated $10 to Bernie's campaign

Don't worry ladies, I also donated $7.80 to Hilary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don’t worry

A man is set to go hunting for the first time, understandably a bit nervous. As he is about to leave the lodge he sees an old wise native.

He asks the native for advice, “what do I do if I see a bear?”

“Don’t worry” says the native

“But what if it sees me?”

“Don’t worr...

This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"

I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men were talking about their teenage daughters: The first says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found a packet of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked". The second says "That's nothing.

I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka.
I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank".
Then the third speaks up.
"Both of you have got nothing to worry about.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dr. Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it he just couldn't. The guilt was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he would hear in internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. Just let It go Dave."
But invariably another voice in his head would b...

If you see somebody wearing a mask pulled down below their nose, don’t worry...

Those people are all mouth-breathers anyway

If you don't know what a prefix is, don't worry....

It's not the end of the word.

If you forget the rules of Chess don't worry...

... you're allowed to check

My girlfriend has made so much money since she's been on OnlyFans that I've got a new car and a set of custom golf clubs

I do worry that someone will recognize her in public and tell her she's on it though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If "hakuna matata" means no worrys

Does that mean "hakuna makaka" means no shit?

If you are not in love on Valentine's Day, don't worry.

You don't have to be dead on Halloween, either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

Don't worry if you're violating quarantine.

It'll be fine.

If you’re suffering from paranoia don’t worry

you’re not alone!

My wife was in labour and started shouting "Wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"

Worried about toilet paper shortage?

Don't worry. You don't have food - you don't need toilet paper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

Don't worry about Steve Bannon

He'll be alt-right

Women don't ever have to worry about me trying to get into their pants.

They don't even have any pockets! Where would I keep my hackey sack and MTG cards?

I was watching the women's volleyball. 2 minuets in there was a wrist injury

Don't worry though I'm alright now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"So, I guess you've never been with a prostitute before then." She said.

I replied "Well, No, but how can you tell?"

She said "Look, don't worry about it, just take the pound coins out my vagina and we'll start again."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is my absolute favorite "so bad it's good" joke

A man went to the doctor with a horrible itch in his ass. After an examination, the doctor gave him his diagnosis:

\- You have an enormous tapeworm in there. This is not a matter of normal treatment, so my advice to you is to insert a boiled egg in your anus followed by a gummy bear. Call me ...

I'm beginning to worry about my obsession with technology.

I told my doctor, "I think I'm addicted to Twitter."
He replied, "I don't follow you."

Don't worry about straying from your diet today.

It's Tom Brady's cheat day, too.

A worried husband calls the police, his wife is missing.

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know...

Don't worry about missing a shot after yelling "Kobe"...

He didn't make it either.

People shouldn’t worry about the coronavirus.

Considering where it was made, it should break soon.

My friend's a gynecologist and recently went deaf, but don't worry...

He's been reading lips for years

Don’t worry about Muslim suicide bombers, they can only do it once...

..Hindu suicide bombers are the real worry.

I don't need to worry about social distancing.

Nobody comes near me anyways

A woman in labor suddenly shouted out “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”

Don't worry guys, when we look back on 2020

we'll say it was pretty sick.

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