This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Husband arrives home from work to his wife with a broken leg

Hubby: How are you doing??

Wife: Fine. Hey, do me a favour.. Go upstairs & get me my slippers. My feet are freezing!

Hubby goes upstairs & sees Wife's hot two sisters lying on the bed.

Hubby: Your sister sent me up to have sex with you girls..

Sisters: Prove it!<...

Son asked his dad “Dad, what is an alcoholic?”

Dad replied “You see those four trees over there? Well an alcoholic would see eight.”

“Dad, I only see two trees”

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside.

Why is “dark” spelt with a ‘k’ and not a ‘c’?

You can’t see in the dark

Wrong E-mail Address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches; the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your s...

You shouldn't see any horror movie today

It May, Fri 10 you

Edit (after 9 hours) : I am so very sorry I posted this too late. I am reading a lot of comments saying they can't tell this to anyone now since it's now the 11th. I had been waiting a long time for this and set up calendar reminders and everything but didn't see the remind...

What do you call a blind German?

A not see.

I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.

Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’

What killed all the 1920's gangsters?

hepatitis see

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, "Don't eat anything fatty."

I said, "What - no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?"

He said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education...

According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.

during the week, I have people to see, and things to do.

But on the weekend, if I'm lucky I get to switch it around.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two American journalists are in London.

Two American journalists are in London attending a press convention. That evening they are in the bar chatting to fellow UK journalists when the subject of how headlines are written came up. The UK journo's commented that the Headlines in America are far too long. They need to be much shorter, and t...

What's the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?

It's pretty simple. One will see you after awhile and the other will see you later.

I think my wife is starting to get depressed with all this rain we’re getting. Everyday, I see her at the window with a sad look on her face.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her back inside.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.

“How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.”

I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed.

I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you.<...

On her death bed, the last words that my grandma told my grandpa was, “Honey, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, he’s been kicking puppies and robbing stores every day.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This joke was posted by the user u/propane13 a year ago and it’s brilliant and I thought more people need to see it so here it is (I take absolutely no credit for this)

A fisherman walks into /r/jokes where he meets a bartender. The bartender offers him a drink. The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade-- if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free. The bartender, a smug, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from sch...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Amish boy and his father are visiting a nearby mall. They are amazed by almost everything they see, but especially by two shiny silver walls that move apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asks, “What is this, father?”

&#x200B;

The father, having never seen an elevator, responds, “I have no idea what it is.”

&#x200B;

While the boy and his father are watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a bu...

"A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe film"

"Gladiator?"

"No, I really miss her"

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dave cannot make his wife cum.

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get some air-con"

"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"

"Well, Dave, do you h...

Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees?

Because they're really good at it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but...

Statistically, if 49,765 people see this...

One of them will die today.

My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist. "What can I do for you?" he asked. "Our son has got an imaginary friend." said my wife.

"There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all." said the psychiatrist.

"We haven't got a son." I replied.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is deciding between three women, which to be with. He tests them by giving them each $5000 to see what they each do with the money.

The first woman got a complete spa treatment and makeover to make herself look good for the man. The second woman took her $5000 and bought the man gifts, gadgets and trinkets he’d like to make him happy. The third woman invested the money, made a hefty return on it, and paid back the man his $5000....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man see's a sign on a bar window "Win $1,000,000 - Details inside"

Curiosity peaked, he enters the bar and asks the bartender what's required to win the million.

&#x200B;

"Ah, that?" The bartender casually replied, offering a challenging smirk. "It requires the completion of 3 tasks I believe to be impossible. It brought in a lot of business when ...

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he's married.

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

I don’t understand why the young people today fail to see the dangers of communism.

I mean come on, there are so many red flags!

A guy visits NYC for the first time and decides to go see Chinatown.

As he’s walking around, amongst all the Chinese shops he spots a bakery called “Hans Olufsen’s Bakery”. Feeling curious, he walks in. Inside he sees an all Chinese staff, with several Chinese pastries on display. Even more curious, he notices the guy who looks like the manager and talks to him:
<...

My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.

"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.

She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra.<...

I hate it when people ask me where I see myself in a year.

I don't have 2020 vision.

Girls tell me I’m ugly until they see my bank account.

Then they tell me I’m ugly and poor.

My girlfriend told me that if anything happened to her, I am free to see other people.

Apparently “getting stuck in traffic “ doesn’t count for anything.

A Co-worker approached me and asked if I wanted to make some money on the side with him. I thought it was a good idea, until he took me back to see his printing press.

I mean, seriously - this thing was a mess and his ink was all wrong.

Let's see here...

The blind said to the deaf.

(I really hope this hasn't been said yet)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pirate walked into a bar

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said : 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.

What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

Pirate: 'Well, we were in a...

"I see!" says the blind man,

as he picked up his hammer and saw.

I'm glad to see Reddit is meeting its goals to become one of the greenest companies in the world.

Take the front page, it's over 90% recycled content!

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What do you want to see?”

Me: You pick.

Her: You pick.

Me: I don’t care which movie. You pick.

Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.

I was watering the plants when my wife said "Can you come inside and unlock your phone after you're done watering the plants? There's something I need to see."

I have been watering the plants for the last four days.

If you see a robbery at an Apple store...

Does that make you an iWitness?

Two rednecks are walking along when they see a dog licking his genitals.

The first redneck says, “I wish I could do that.”

&#x200B;

The other responds, “If you tried, he’d probably bite you.”

I just got laser eye surgery and I can't help but feel cheated

Because I still can't see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch

It's with a heavy heart that I give a shout-out to my dad who couldn't be with us to see Endgame tonight. I miss you with all my heart.

Maybe pre-order your tickets on time next time, moron.

Sergeant: “Smith! I didn’t see you at camouflage practice today!”

Private Smith: “Thank you, Sir!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(I heard this joke in my language and found it somewhat funny, so decided to translate and post it to see if it sounds funny in English too. Sorry for poor translation). A man goes to a doctor and complains about "not being very good in bed".

So doctor gives him a medicine saying that he will see the difference if he uses it regularly.And it really works. But later, he overuses the medicine so he wants having more sex. Now, sleeping with 10, 15, even 20 girls in a day is not enough for him. He starts to fuck everyone he comes across in ...

Do you want to see a joke?

You just reddit.

What is the only time you see BMWs using their turn signals?

The driving examiner is sitting on the front passenger seat.

I once paid $20 to go see Prince in concert.

But I partied like it was $19.99

On a visit to see his grandmother, a teen boy listens as she goes on and on about the cost of living.

“When I was a young girl,” she moans, “you could go to the store with a dollar and come home with enough food to feed your family for weeks!”

&#x200B;

“Well, Grandma,” the boy replies, “we learned about that in school recently, and that’s called inflation.”

&#x200B;
<...

Wife: I don't see any reason why you would need to drink a whole six pack right before you go to bed!

Me: That's only because there aren't any mirrors around here...

I was outside getting my mail when I noticed my neighbor cutting his lawn. The mower was loud and he didn’t see that his dog was licking something up by the garage door. Suddenly, the dog began running circles around the front lawn but shortly after he fell to the grass.

“Did he die?”

*No he just ran out of gas*

What's the weirdest thing to see at nighttime?

The sun

I went to the eye doctor today and they said I could see the future

They told me I have 2020 vision

A wife is calling on her husband to see where he is

Wife: Where are you?
Husband : At home love.
Wife: Are you sure?
Husband: Yes.
Wife : Turn on the mixer.
Husband : (turns mixer on) GaRrrreeereeeereeee...
Wife: Ok my love goodbye.

Another day......
Suspicious Wife: Where are you?
Husband : At home love. Wife: Are you ...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First ...

What do a pizza delivery boy and a gynecologist see every day?

The yeasty crust.

Dogs can't see your bones

but catscan

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So this mom and son where walking through the park and see some teens having sex

The child says: Mommy what are they doing?
Quickly the mom says: They are making cakes
So they went to the zoo and some Zebras where having sex and the kid said: Look Mommy they are making cakes!!

the next day the kid said to the mom: You and daddy where making cakes last night on the...

I wish I could see what mischief my students are getting up to at the far end of the school yard.

Alas, I've never had good pupils.

I accidentally walked into my daughter’s room and was shocked to see her reenacting a fantasy scene from 50 Shades of Grey.

Like the one where she gets a decent job right out of college.

My friend Jack has recently started an odd behavior. Every time I see him he starts hissing.

And then he proceeds to let me down gently.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A married couple is having some issues in their relationship and decide to see a marriage councilor. They sit down on the couch and the councilor says, "I'd like to start this session off by focusing on the positive things in your relationship. Tell me, what do you have in common?"

The husband quickly replies, "Neither one of us sucks dick."

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”

He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.

Then I realised the telly wasn't on.

You guys ever see the barcode at the base of a condom?

No? Guess you don’t need to unroll it that far

[At sea] Pirate 1: I can’t wait to see my wife again.

Pirate 2: Land ho!

Pirate 1: Screw you! That’s really rude!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A dwarf enters a competition to see who can lift Mjolnir.

Thousands of people try, but of course, fail. Then it's the Dwarf's turn.

Thor himself is in fact in attendance, and takes great amusement when he sees the dwarf waddle up to the hammer.

He squats down, grabs the handle, and using all of his power, lifts the hammer.

The dwarf lo...

Can't wait to see Liam Neeson's new film

Taken: Out Of Context.

So a boy asks his father what's an alcoholic

The father says, "see those 4 trees over there? An alcoholic would see 8 trees"
The boy replies, "but dad, I only see two trees!"

[Long] Two men are walking across a field, when they come across a very large hole in the ground. So large that they can't see the bottom of this hole. "I wonder how deep it is.", the first man says. The second man pulls out a coin, and flips it into hole. They wait and listen....

....nothing. "Wow!", they both exclaim. "Let's try something else.", says one man to the other. They spot a large rock nearby, and with a struggle, they get the rock to the hole. They roll it in, wait and listen....still nothing. " My goodness! How deep this hole must be!", says one man. " Let's try...

I was being interviewed for a job the other day. One of the questions was 'Where do you see your self 12 months from now?'.

I said 'I dont know, I dont have 2020 vision'.

Why don’t you see that many necrophiliacs anymore?

It’s a dead art

Why is is that you only see bigfoot in America

Because you see bigmeters everywhere else

Why can't you see an anti-vaxx kid going high school?

Because they're dead.

A man walks into his doctor's office and says "Doctor! Doctor! I think I can see into the future"

"When did this start?" The doctor asks
"Next Tuesday" the man replies

What does a noodle say if they see a noodle being very slow?

COME ON BRO!!!
PASTA!!! PASTA!!!

Job Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I guess my biggest weakness is I am not always a good listener

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do aliens say to each other when they see a city full of Homosapiens?

Damn, look at all those homos

If you drink the blue liquid inside of a magic 8 ball, you can see the future.

It’s true. My friend Carl drank one and said “I’m dying”, and then he did.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Whenever I see a man wearing a skirt, I run away.

It’s not that I’m homophobic, I’m just afraid he’ll start to play the bagpipes.

I went to see a local clairvoyant in his house...

I knocked on his door, he said "yes, who is it?"

I went home disappointed.

A man is returning to the vet to see if a surgery was successful.

The vet says, "Here's the bill. Unfortunately, we couldn't reattach it to your duck."

Boy: Hey wanna see a movie with me tonight?

Girl: I have a boyfriend.

Boy: and i have a math test tomorrow.

Girl: What does that have to do with anything?

Boy: I thought we were listing things we were going to cheat on.

I went to see if my laser eye surgeon was any good

I don’t see any problems now

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

I can see that my friend has fallen out of a river boat in Egypt but he refuses to accept it.

I think he’s in denial.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you see on /r/jokes more than gays, priests, rabbis, and Hitler?

Reposts

Hey, you see that mushroom over there?

You should date him, he's a Fungi

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

To see the black hole they needed to build a telescope the size of the earth

To which my wife replied, “Maybe they can build a bigger one that could see your penis.”

(I wish this wasn’t a true story)

Whenever i see a woman driving a bus, i smile to myself and think how far we have come in the whole equality thing compared to just a few short years ago

Then i wait for the next bus.

Friend 1: hey buddy, I see you got a new hearing aid. What kind is it?

Friend 2: five o’clock

My wife does not believe me, but I swear I never see her trying to get my attention to help in the kitchen.

She microwaves.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She told me that I have to stop wanking.

I asked, "Why?"

She replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

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