if i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on.

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...

and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagin...

I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella.

But he hesitated.

I invited my buddy to a costume party and he said he was going as his dad

He didn’t show up

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived

A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".

The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"

The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"

There once was a farmer whose five quintuplet teenage daughters were going on dates at the same time.

"As soon as your dates arrive," said the farmer, "I will talk to them personally. If I don't like them, I will shoot them."

Just then, a knock was heard at the door. The farmer answered the door, shotgun in hand. "Who is this?"

"My name's Teddy," said the boy. "I'm going steady with Be...

My horoscope said I was going to get my heart broken in 12 years time

So I bought a puppy to cheer myself up!

6 years ago i DMed my facebook crush telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times and blocked me

My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!”

“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

A guy gets pulled over by police, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t”, the guy says “I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.”

“Can’t do that either,” Jim replies, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”...

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.

She removes all her clothing and asks : Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says,

Here, iron this!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sexy neighbour was complaining about stuff being stolen from her clothes line, and that she was going to the call the police.

I nearly shit her pants

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy and a girl go out on a date..

It's going so well, SHE invites him back to her place. They do the horizontal mambo late into the night. Around sunrise, she leaps up in a panic.

"What!? what!?" says the man.

"I forgot to ask you, you don't have AIDS, do you!?" she asks.

"No!"

"Whew! I don't wanna get th...

Einstein and his wife are going through a tough time in their marriage.

Einstein: Tell me what you need, I'm here to help.

Wife: I just need two things right now, some space and time.

Einstein: Ok, so what's the second thing?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus and Moses go Fishing

Jesus and Moses are sitting by a riverbank, fishing, and shooting the shit about the good ol' days.

Moses says, "I had a few great days, but I have to say, that day I parted the Red Sea was the best of them. Man, that was spectacular! You should have seen the look on everyone's faces." ...

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by....

He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time."
Passenger: "...

This sucks, 2022 is going to be terrible

Because 2022 is 2020, too

Tomorrow, I’m going to open up the time capsule I made 20 years ago when I was a kid.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy is.

[NSFW] What's the worst part about going down on your grandma?

Banging your head on the lid of the coffin

I can always sense when my siblings are going to have a daughter.

I have telekineices.

Going to Syria

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath, he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MPs ran off,...

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Angry neighbour "You slept with my wife, I am going to make you pay for that!"

Man: Bullshit, why should I pay twice.

A Blonde girl is going door to door trying to earn money for college.

She comes to one guy's house and rings the doorbell.

"Yes?" the man answers.

"Hi there!" greets the blonde happily. "I'm trying to earn money for college. Do you have any jobs around the house you need done?"

The guy smiles. "Sorry, sweetheart, not really. I was gonna paint th...

I told my wife I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on. She said, “Where would you find the time?”

I said, “Easy. Right next to the sage.”

What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

3 nuns die and go to heaven

St. Peter tells them, "I am going to ask each one of you a question. If you get it right, I will let you in."

He asks the first one, "Who built the ark?"

"Easy, that was Noah." She replies.

Peter tells her that is correct and lets her in.

Peter asks the second one, "W...

I love going to the beach, having a seat, and pull sand up to my crotch

Makes the crabs feel more at home.

A large oil company has announced it's going to start producing fuel from insect urine.

I think it's BP

After passing away, George Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are going for a interview with God.

God asks Bush, "What do you believe in?"

Bush answers, "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"

God is impressed by Bush and tells him, "Great , come sit on the chair on my right"

Next, God asks Obama, "What do you believe in?"

Obama answers, "I be...

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter… I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, “I really need a new boat.”

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A man going on a business trip visits a witch doctor for his wife

He explains to the witch doctor that his wife has a very high sex drive and he wants to make sure she can satisfy herself while hes gone. No ordinary item will do.

The witch doctor nods and says "I have just the right thing." And he pulls out a box. "This is a voodoo dick. It is quite easy to...

I love going to pet shops. If I see an empty cage, I put a large pre prepared sign, saying "CHAMELEON"....

(stand back and watch the fun.)

Going to be saying goodbye to this group that I love so much

I am here to say goodbye, this group has been fantastic but my wife says I spend too much time here and she can't take it anymore. We argued about it and she told me its either her or the group. So I am going to be gone for a few minutes while I help her pack and call her an uber.
I'll be right ...

How can you tell when the US is going through a pandemic?

You can’t

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court] judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

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I entered the blackhole not knowing what its going to feel like.

I got yelled at, my wife can be very anal and controlling.

I was going to tell you a Covid-19 joke...

But there's a 99% chance you wouldn't get it.

Did you hear the news? FedEx & UPS are going to merge.

From now on they’ll go by the name Fed-Up

I was going to tell a joke about sodium, but NA. I usually follow it up with a joke about chloride

But it makes people salty.

Two blondes are going to Disneyland

They see a sign that says

“Disneyland left”

So they went home

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is anyone interested in going to a charity event for women who have lost their legs?

...... the place is supposed to be crawling with pussy.

A witch was going through her recent order of newts...

... when her apprentice walked in. Noticing the witches frowning face, she asks “What’s wrong, Master?”

The witch replied, “Well, I’ve got some good newts and some bad newts...”

They all laughed when I said I was going into comedy

Haha, they're not laughing now!

I was going to tell a dead baby joke.....

But decided to abort it.


Keep it going!

Read carefully, because I am only going to write this once...

this

With all that's going on, I told my dad that finishing my degree in astrophysics may not be the kind of science the world needs right now.

He looked away from the TV long enough to say, "Black holes matter."

Sigh... "Yeah, Dad. They are."

There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.

The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

Kyle Rittenhouse was going to speak at the RNC tonight,

but he's already been booked.

With the US Open going on...how do tennis players discipline their kids?

Mostly with their forehand, sometimes their backhand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pot head gets really high on some good shit and goes home

Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes

Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!!

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room...

Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper.

my bad p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was going to make a joke about having sex with your mom,

but a hundred people already have.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex pill

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always hate going camping with horny people.

They’re always fucking intense.

Two Sisters...

One blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[On the way to the therapist] Me: You are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, won’t you?

Her: Yes.

Me: I knew it!!

I really like going to the Old Spaghetti Factory, but..

I just wish they would make me a fresh plate.

Going down on my girl is similar to 9/11

Bush is involved.

Yesterday I was cleaning and came across pictures of my wife and another woman going at it

I came across it again a few minutes later. Unfortunately that time ruined it.

A man decides to go to a bar where he sees a blonde woman.

Conversation begins and the two hit it off. The blonde eventually asks the man when his birthday is.

“March 1st,” the man replies. Suddenly, the blonde gets up and stomps around the bar before coming back to her seat.

“So when is your birthday?” the woman again asks.

Not bein...

Apparently the police have been going to a load of house parties as lockdown rules are getting implemented.

Ridiculous, one rule for us and another for them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man accepts a job in a village with no women

Once there, he asks a local:

-There are really no women here?

-None.

-So... What do you guys do when you need to have sex?

-There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore that and goes home, from where he can see the river and therefore, the...

My girlfriend was hurrying me along and asking when things were going to be done so I asked her if she was my clone from Moscow. She looked confused and said "No, why?"

I said "Because you're Russian me."

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”


The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”


The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’...

My doctor told me that I was going deaf.

My friend asked me: ''And what what was it like?''

''It was hard to hear.''

Ain’t nobody going to stop me from getting cheese byproduct.

I always get my whey.

“But painting a giant mural is going to cost us lots of money in the short term!”

“Well, you’ve just gotta think about the big picture!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) Coronavirus porn is going viral on PornHub..

What a bunch of sick fucks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is going through labor on April 1st

Her husband is driving her to the hospital and when they get to their room, he tells the doctor that he can’t watch up close but he asks if he can stand and watch outside the window. The doctor agrees.

As the baby comes out, the husband gets excited as he sees his new child. The doctor grabs ...

Bernie said he's going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse

On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Women will keep going back to the same man that hurt them

but will never go back to the hairdresser that fucked up their hair style that one time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when ...

Going to church in Chicago

When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby church, I decided to go there and check them out in person.

As soon as I sat down, Reverend Sharpton came over to me. I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the church?

He laid hi...

I heard the government is going to put chips in our brain.

I want sour cream and onion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today, I failed at going to the restroom.

That shit didn't work out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump is president. I think if George Washington were alive today, he'd look around and say, "What the fuck is going on? "

"How am I still alive?"

I was thinking of going as a Band-Aid this Halloween, but then I decided against it.

I think it would be hard to pull off.

I formed a rock group called the elastics, things aren't going so well so far though,

We have one song and it's band.

My wife and I decided after 13 years of being married we aren’t going to have kids.

We’re still trying to figure out how exactly to break the news to them

Great News form my agent, I just landed my first modeling job. I'm going to be the face on all print advertising for Reddit...

...I'm going to be their Re-Poster Boy.

I was thinking about going into business and opening my own distillery...

But my accountant thinks that's a whiskey investment.

What do you call a going out of business sale for a laxative store?

Liquidation.

So this British geologist is going over some old land surveys ...

and he sees an abandoned gold deposit. He compares it to a modern map, and sees that it's under a mall. He decides to break in and find the gold. Turns out that the store closest to the gold is an American clothing store. So late at night, he broke in and mined The Gap.

Trump's going to pardon Susan B. Anthony...

He just learned the she too campaigned against mass voting by male.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy going to school brought his cat with him.

Teacher asks him “why did you bring your cat to school?”

The little boy replies, “Well, I heard my daddy telling mommy when the kids leave I’m gonna eat that pussy up.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can a...

A guy and a girl are going to prom together.

She wants a new dress, so they spend time shopping for the dress and he stands in line for the checkout for a very long time, but eventually makes it to the counter to buy the dress for her.

She also asks for a corsage, so the guy goes to the floral shop to buy her a corsage. The line is ver...

This Halloween is going to be pretty boring...

...with half the country refusing to wear masks.

I don't really like having fights going downhill...

...but sometimes you just gotta roll with the punches

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

Mrs Rosy Jones was going to the market in New York where she happened to meet Father Patrick.....

Father: "Hey, you are Rosy right? I got you married in New Jersey, when I was posted there".

"Yes Father" Says Rosy.

"How is your husband and the little ones ?"

"Husband is fine but so far, no children".

Father Patrick: "Don't worry, child. I'm going to Rome next week. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend just said that if I don't get off Reddit and spend some time with her she's going to smash my face into the keyboard

I wish that dumb bitch trieljljg bmbmvncbxbxbc nljhkgkgjdhdhd mnm gufugjfhhkdh

I just found out my Grandpa, a lifelong Republican is going to vote Democratic this fall.

This would never happen if he were still alive.

My friend confessed to me saying that he was starting to develop a bestiality fetish...

Not wanting to kink shame him I ask “How did you get into it?”

“Well I did some research on the internet and ended up going down a rabbit hole”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was going down on my girlfriend

Then I said 'Geez you got a big pussy! Geez you got a big pussy!' She said 'why did you say it twice?' and I said 'I didn't'".

This quarantine has been going on so long, my relationship with the gym has been slipping.

I've had to start calling it the James again.

I hate having to keep going to the kitchen to fill my glass of water.

Take a pitcher it will last longer

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827."

Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the prev...

Who are you going to call when you have a bat problem

Ozzy Osborne

I am going to become a bomb defuser.

It is one job where....

Either i'm right.

Or suddenly its not my problem anymore.

Five people are on a plane that is going to crash; Oprah, the Pope, Greta Thunberg, Trump and Dr. Fauci.

Only four parachutes though.

Fauci takes one, says "I’ve got to live so I can find a cure for this pandemic and jumps out of the plane."

The Pope takes one, says "I have to be there to provide spiritual guidance to the faithful during this pandemic and he jumps out."

Trump takes...

I don't mind going to the dentist.

My tongue hates it, though. He always gets depressed.

:)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Hitler not like going to strip clubs?

He hates the Poles

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him ...

I was going to make a joke about a pencil.

But I really don't see the point.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A State Trooper pulls over a man for going 20 over the speed limit

Trooper: Any reason for you to be going so fast?

Man: Sorry officer, I'm a doctor and I'm running late.

Trooper: Oh yeah? What kind of doctor?

Man: I'm a proctologist that specializes in asshole stretching.

Trooper: What the hell is asshole stretching!?

Man: It's ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

Three hungry vampires were going to feed one night

They decided amongst themselves that they would go out and feed one vampire at the time, while the other two watched over their den.
The first vampire went out.
After an hour he came back to the den with blood covering his teeth.
- "Where did you go to feed?" the other two vampires asked...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I have enough saved up, I'm going to convert my cellar into a sex dungeon to really indulge my freaky kinks.

But for now it's just going to be debasement.

I told my Dad I am going to delete all of my social media accounts, throw away my electronics and go live in the woods.

He told me I can't just Thoreau my life away.

I was sad yesterday, and today seems like it's only going to get worse

It's Sadderday.

Did you know that Harry Potter’s favorite way of going down a hill is running?

J.k. Rowling

I was going to make a bad pun about fabric

But that felt wrong

I know my steak's going to taste good. Just measured it. 23cm.

A prime cut.

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

Friend: You're going to hell.

Me: What's in hell?


Friend: People like you.


Me: What's in heaven?


Friend: People like me.


Me: You really need to work on your threats.

It's hard going somewhere with a playwright..

They're always making a scene.

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