UPJOKE
cometurnrunbreakdiemovepasstravelworkgo awayexittakedopop offwander

I was going to donate blood today but they started asking way too many personal questions like...

“Whose blood is this?!"

“Where did you get it?!"

I found a hat with $17.50 in it and I thought this other guy was going to pick it up but...

...he was too busy juggling.

After many years of not going to church an elderly lady decides to go to her local service.

Although very poor and with worn-out clothing, she dressed in her best and headed out. As she approached the church, she saw all the people dressed in such splendor. Not a stain, not a rip or tear on any of their clothes. The preacher and deacons stood and welcomed people as they entered.

She...

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A lawyer, an environmentalist and a teacher were going the bathroom.

The lawyer gets done, washes his hands and uses the entire roll of tissue paper to wipe his hands. "I was taught to be thorough.", he said.

The environmentalist washes his hands and uses his own kerchief to wipe his hands. "I was taught to be environment friendly.", he said.

The teach...

A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a disco where there’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going. The wife turns to her husband and says...

“See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

The husband replies, “It looks like he’s still celebrating.”

Mom asks, "Are you going to take me out to a restaurant for Mother's Day?"

Kid replies, "We have food at home"

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your sister

It tastes the same but it's just not right.

My landlord doubled my rent. I’m going to give up drinking for a month.

Sorry I missed punctuation there.

I’m going to give up, drinking for a month.

If I had a dime for every time I didn't understand what's going on,

I'd be like: "Why do all of you keep giving me all these dimes?"

Yea gas prices are going up but there’s still one thing that goes down every day

Yo mama

I don't think I'm going to keep playing wordle.

I ran out of guesses yesterday, and it called me a loser.

What I'm gathering from these comments is that wordle is Mean.

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure en...

Last week I was on a date with a girl and it was going pretty well till she said "What I really want is a guy who will treat me like a Princess."

So I hired some Paparazzi to follow her and she died in a car crash.

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

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putin walks into a meeting with all his top generals and demands "How is my special operation against Ukraine and NATO Nazis going!?"

The generals all look at each other nervously

"Well...." demands putin "tell me now!!"

The top general stands and says "Well we have been fighting for 4 weeks. We have lost over 15,000 brave soldiers, 6 generals, over 500 tanks and fighting vehicles, 3 ships, 100 planes and drones and ...

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There's boomers, millennials then GenZ so what's the next generation going to be?

Fucked.

I asked a girl to go to the gym with me for our first date, and she didn’t show up

I guess we’re not going to work out

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.” Confused and extremely worried, I slowly opened the fridge door. The light came on, the beer was cold.

What the hell did she mean?

Priest: Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.

Alcoholic - Really? What about the guy who sells the liquor? Priest - He will also go to Hell. Alcoholic - Ok, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and put's out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store? Priest - She too will go to Hell. Alcoholic - In that case, I have no problem going ...

I wouldn't recommend going to the tattooist who used to be an accountant.

He did a number on me.

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(NSFW) Things have been going great since my doctor told me I can masturbate whenever I want.

His email said I could have a stroke at anytime.

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My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the security camera , then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we ...

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Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, an...

3 guys from Michigan go to Hell (long)

Three guys from Michigan die and go to Hell. Satan, being the kind of guy who takes his job very seriously, always checks on new arrivals personally to make sure that they are uncomfortable and their eternal torment is going smoothly and so on.

So he arrives at their cell and listens in for a...

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Was going through my record collection when I found an old Will Smith CD..

I'd almost forgotten how that shit slaps!

If I had a dollar every time I didn't know what was going on

I would be like, why am I getting all this free money?

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Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."

Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."

The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request they go to the gold course. On the first tee the husband drives it ...

I was going to post a joke about time travel...

But nobody liked it.

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Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

Tom, the serial flasher, was going to retire

But he decided to stick it out for another year.

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Dave and his missus were going for it one night when Dave suddenly froze for 5 seconds

‘What was that all about?’ asked Dave’s wife

‘It’s something I saw on Pornhub. It’s called buffering’.

My wife left me because I kept making jokes about her going bald.

Well that’s hair loss

What do you call a snobby criminal going down stairs?

A condescending con descending.

I told my wife I’m going to start calling her Peter the Apostle.

After she denied me three times.

Amber Heard's net worth is $2.5 million and she now has to pay Johnny Depp $15 million...

Yeah, she's forever going to be in Depp!

My wife told me she is so sick of my mansplaining, and if I don't stop she's going to throw me in a deep hole with water in it.

I know she means well.

I'm finally going to dig up my childhood time capsule...

I can't wait to see how big my puppy's gotten!

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

We are going to operate on Mike tonight for his stomach cancer.

Today is open Mike night.

Liverpool had so much going for them. Dominated the ball, constantly on the attack, great strategy to win the day. But no matter how often the were close a score seemed inevitable, Real Madrid defenders always seemed to be in the right place at the right time. It must actually be true what they say

Nobody expects the Spanish in position

Coping with the depression of my wife cheating on me has made me unhealthy. My new motto is going to be #BEACHEATER

The doctor told me that the sand is very good for health

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Three men go to Hell [Long]

One random night 3 men went out drinking and having a good time. Drunk, swaying side to side, they decided it was a good idea to walk down the middle of a road. As they get further down the road a truck came through and didn't see them. All three men were hit and died instantly. These 3 men were al...

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife...

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My dog bit my bf so I had to put him down. I am crying while going through his toys.

The motherfucker was on three dating sites. I saw it on his cellphone.

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The first time my girlfriend saw my penis she chuckled and said, who do you think you're going to satisfy with that thing?

"Me."

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates..........

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?" No. The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the...

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Can you imagine getting 72 virgin when you go to heaven?

The first half-dozen or so will be nice, but after that, I'm going to want a pro.

I'm going on a Coca-Cola factory trip next week.

I hope there's no pop quiz.

My doctor tried to tell me I wasn’t going to get my transplant

… but he didn’t have the heart.

Every morning at breakfast for the past year 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

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George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

Girls going to do a checkup

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.

As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest.

\- "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

\- "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard ...

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

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Have you heard the rumor going around about butter?

Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

What does Jeff Bezos does before going to bed?

He puts payjamazon..

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

Instead of going to the dentist, I go to the airport

That way, I never have to pay for cavity searches.

Instagram and Chrome are going shopping

Instagram: Aren’t you going to buy anything?

Chrome: Nah, I’m a browser.

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when ...

Uvalde citizen gets pulled over

A very cute blonde was pulled over for speeding by an Uvalde motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the policeman's Ball."

The cop replied, "No, ma'am. You're thinking of the Border Patrol , the Uval...

Why are fewer people going into archeology?

Coz career advancement is in ruins.

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", ...

I went to see a psychic the other day. I asked her if I was going to jail some time in the future. She said no, so I robbed her.

Bet she didn't see that coming.

A guy was going on vacation and didn't have anyone to take care of his beloved cat

So he had to leave her with his notoriously irresponsible friend. The very first day the friend left the door open and Muffin ran out and and got hit by a car and killed.

The guy called his friend the next day to see how Muffin was doing and he said "Oh, sorry, the cat's dead. Got hit by ...

A couple is reading in their living room after dinner, and the husband announces that he had a rough day at work and is going to skip going to his bowling league that night.

The wife nods and goes back to reading her magazine, but keeps glancing at the living room clock. About twenty minutes later the kitchen phone rings, the wife starts to get up to answer it, but the husband tells her he’s closer, so he walks into the kitchen and answers the phone.


“What?...

I've been trying to learn to use bar soap in the shower but it's not going well

I just can't seem to grasp it

It doesn't matter how fast I'm going. What matters is that I'm moving forward in the right direction.

police officer: That's very inspiring, but you're still getting a ticket.

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give t...

How do you know your prostate exam is going really wrong?

You've got two hands on your shoulders.

Mike was going to have dinner at his girlfriend’s to meet her parents for the first time

Before heading to her house he stopped at the pharmacy, tells the guy behind the counter

“Hi, can you please give me a rubber please, I’m going to meet my GF parents tonight and afterwards who knows right? Better yet give me two, my GF’s sister is hot too and she is always locking eyes with ...

“The Government” is mandating that I set my clocks back before I go to bed tonight, but I’m going to do MY OWN research, thank you very much.

My clocks, my choice.

The doctor said I'm going deaf.

I haven't heard from him since.

I was going to make a social media joke.

But I'm pretty sure you have already Reddit.

I don’t usually brag about going to expensive places

But I just left the gas station.

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

So they're going to start shipping Teslas without new car smell. Instead, they're going to have

Elon Musk

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

I just accidentally superglued my thumb and index finger together and at first, I started to panic but then I remembered that...

...it’s always going to be okay!

If your husband tells you he's going to fix something, he's going to fix it.

No need to remind him every 6 months about it.

On three occasions now this week a colleague has approached me and said “I’m worried about what’s going on with you”.

What’s weirder is they think my name is “Crane”.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After a wh...

If you’re going to make fun of Crytpo Bros today make sure to use cheap shots.

That’s all they can afford.

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I'm going to open a Scottish themed strip club...

I'm going to call it haggis, nips and titties

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A man decided to tattoo his wife's name on his penis before going to their honeymoon

When erect it proudly reads *Wendy* on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows *Wy*.

While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a *Wy* on his penis. He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy.
...

Damn girl, are you a piñata?

Because I'm going to need a blindfold to hit that

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No Nut November is going great so far

Every time I think about eating almonds, I just masterbate. It’s not hard guys.

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What do you call going down on a woman with large labia?

A tongue twister.

A German gets off a flight to Paris, and is going through customs

Customs agent: "Name?"

German: "Hans."

Agent: "Home city?"

German: "Dusseldorf."

Agent: "Occupation?"

German: "Nein, nein, just for a visit."

Credit to pjabrony

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A man saw an ad in the newspaper for a free talking dog...

He thought it was impossible, so he went to the address to check it out.
Standing at the fence to the backyard of the house was a normal-looking German Shepherd.

The man, wanting to prove the ad wrong asked the dog, "so are you the talking dog?"

Surprisingly, the dog replied, "yeah...

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