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Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.

Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.

It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.

The ...

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ...

A man's car breaks down in the middle of the night. He knows the area well and realizes that the quickest way to the nearest service station is through an old graveyard...

He's walking along the headstones when in the distance he hears a faint tapping noise. As he gets deeper into the graveyard, the eerie tapping gets louder and louder. He very anxiously turns a corner and sees the source of the tapping is an old man with a hammer and chisel, hunched over a headstone....

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Did you hear the one about the proctologist who went to write a prescription but realized he was holding an anal thermometer?

Yeah, some asshole stole his pen.

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If you put Greg Abbott, Ted Cruz, and Rick Perry together in a room, who's the first to realize they're full of shit?

The room.

I was about to give money to a homeless man when I realized that I only had a $50 bill.

I took it out and asked myself, “Do I want this money to be spent on drugs?”

I decided I did, so I put the money back in my wallet and kept walking.

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date,

we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

I just realized my apartment has a pretty good ceiling.

I mean...it’s not the best, but it’s up there.

A woman tries getting on a bus but realizes her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.


Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind to unzip her skirt a little, thinking thi...

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says "You're in a hot air balloon hovering 30 ft above this field."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist


I am, replies to man...

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A business man is driving through a small town, on his way to an important presentation, when he realizes he's in need of a haircut and doesn't have much extra time...

He remembers there's a little barbershop on the corner so he stops, and a short while later he's back on his way.




A week or two passes, and he pulls into the little barbershop again.





"Hello again Sir." the barber says. "What can I do for you?"


<...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You m...

Have you realized that this year is just saying that 2021?

get it?

A little boy wakes up one night and realizes he needs to use the bathroom.

He runs downstairs to the living room, where his mother is having a party with her friends.

"I gotta pee!" yells the little boy. "I gotta pee!"

The mother takes her son to the bathroom. "Son," she says, "we do not yell the word 'pee' when grown-ups are around. Next time, just whisper, ...

A Local United Way Office Realized That the Organization Had Never Received a Donation From the Town’s Most Successful Lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give...

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to...

An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.

It's quite obvious to each of the three men know where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you to do you? This is my seat after all."

The Pakistanis look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! ...

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

My kid recently realized that they were born in the wrong body.

Now, I fully support anything they need to do to feel more like themselves, but I never imagined it would affect my social life like it has. The teachers won’t see me, my friends act like I’m not there. Hell even the mailman hasn’t made a delivery in weeks. I never realized how hard it was to be a t...

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So Joe had these headaches...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

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I didn’t realize the sex manual I bought had a typo….

…until we tried the 96 position.

I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my navigation system said:

“IN 400 FEET, DO A SLIGHT RIGHT, STOP, AND LET ME OUT."

I felt great this morning! Realized there’s two types of people in this world, those who wake up in the morning and…

… those who don’t

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are trapped in the woods. Finally, the trio realize they are lost and decide to hunker down and make camp. They're hungry and decide to hunt.

The brunette goes first and comes back with a rabbit. The blonde and redhead are impressed.

"How'd you do that?" they ask.

"Simple," replies the brunette. "Found tracks, followed tracks, got a rabbit."

It's the redhead's turn next, and she ventures out and comes back with a moos...

I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11.

It was just a spare, I guess.

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The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'l...

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The head of an organized crime syndicate realized his accountant had been skimming money from him for years.

Unfortunately the accountant only spoke Russian. So the boss hired a Russian interpreter and busted into the accountant’s home.

He tells to the interpreter, “tell him I want to know where my money is, AND I WANT TO KNOW RIGHT NOW!!” The interpreter conveys the message in Russian and the acco...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " Woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

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I realized I've got a problem with road rage.

When my five year old Daughter shouted.

"Pick a fucking lane you dickhead!"

That's the last time I take her to the grocery store....

After some of time self-reflection I came to realize

That I was not a vampire.

An old joke I can't find on Reddit. Here we go...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. Th...

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A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.

She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair."

The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair."

Her sister smiled and sai...

I didn't realize just how long the Obama administration lasted...

Apparently the Baroque period started in the 1600s!

I used to date a girl who was a fan of “Lion king” like me.

Whenever we made out, she used to say Sukona ma tatas.

I always corrected her saying that it’s Hakuna matata.

I just realized that I am an idiot.

A blind guy walks into a primarily female bar

During a break in the music, he loudly says "hey, y'all wanna hear a blond joke?" Being blind, he doesn't realize how many blond women are in the bar. The bartender walks up to him and tells him "alright man, I know you're blind and new around here, so let me offer you some advice. I am 6'5 and blon...

Just realized that you do the same thing to women and light switches when they’re turned on

You flick em off

When did I realize I was attractive?

Opposite day

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It was a dark and rainy night…..

Our hero’s car had broken down right in front of an old looking mansion.

After knocking, an old Chinese man came to the door. “ I was wondering if it’s at all possible you might have a room for me for the night. I will be out of your hair the next morning and on my way to the service stati...

I've realized that Children are like farts

You don't mind them when they're your own

But everyone else's are disgusting.

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?

In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks...

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please list...

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

I finally realized why many apartments have weird popcorn ceiling

I couldn't understand why every apartment I've lived in had those ugly pebbly popcorn ceilings. It was baffling.

But then later I learned it was a way to muffle sounds coming from your upstairs and downstairs neighbors. It was baffling!

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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up onto the sidewalk, and stopped inches away from a lady with a baby stroller. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Hey, don't ever do that again. You scared the crap out of me!"

The passeng...

Hey! You know what I just realized??

That I’ve never had an epiphany...

After jacking myself off to logical deduction, i realized that im really weird.

This is the conclusion that i came to.

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A man was in a long line at the supermarket. As he got to the checkout he realized he had forgotten to get condoms.

So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to register.

She asked, “What size condoms?” The customer replied that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, and she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and ...

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I realize I've put on some weight, so I joined an aerobics class.

When I got there I jumped and gyrated and bent and twisted. But by the time I got my gym shorts on the hour was over.

George Carlin once famously joked, "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

Thanks to all those people wearing masks but leaving their noses fully exposed, the stupider half is now a lot easier to spot.

Just realized that my cake day is 420!

Now that's funny!

What did the puma say when he realized his pa has been gone to get the milk and hasn't returned for hours?

"Um..."

Jack and John decided to go skiing.

They loaded up their mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they were caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door,if they could spend the night.

"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have thi...

Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.

His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.

Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.

His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.

Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.

Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you ...

Have you ever stopped and realized drinking water through a straw is . . .

the opposite of snorkeling.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer play golf.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are out playing a round of golf. Partway through their game, they realize that the group in front is taking forever to move through the course. Frustrated, they ask the groundskeeper what's going on. The groundskeeper, visibly emotional, says:

"Well, I'm af...

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped…

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch.

It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's *amazing!!"* says the second caterpillar. "How in th...

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A man wanted to try 69 with his girlfriend

Right in the middle the man realizes he has a dentist appointment. So he pops up and heads to the bathroom. He brushes his teeth 3 times. He uses mouth wash twice and flosses once for good measure.

He gets to the dentist office just in time and his dentist calls him in. Dentist says open wid...

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

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After quarantine I realized I'm really into CROSSFIT

I CROSS my fingers and hope I can FIT my ass in those jeans.

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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the s...

I woke up late one morning so I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water

I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

A man walks into an apiary and asks for a dozen bees.

The beekeeper nods and carefully counts out 13 bees. The man realizes this and points it out, "That’s one too many.”

*"No worries. It’s a freebie."*

A few minutes before the services started, satan appeared at the front of the church

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
God's ultima...

What age were you when you realized you wanted to be a dancer?

I think I was around 5, 6, 7, 8

With my Dad's military service, how did it take me 42 years to realize

I can call him the SEAL of Disapproval.

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A construction worker on the fifth floor of a building realizes he needs a saw

He looks around him, none. He looks 5 floors down, sees a man looking up at him. He's screaming but the guy can't hear him cause of all the noise around. So he decides to use sign language.

He points to his eye meaning 'I', then he points to his knee, meaning 'need', then he makes a saw moti...

The owner of a seafood restaurant sends one of his sons undercover to his rival's restaurant

The owner tells him to get a job as a cook, and figure out the recipe for his rival's famous clam chowder.

The first day, the son comes home with a basic list of ingredients that the rival uses. They try making it, but it doesn't turn out the same. The owner sends him back.

The second ...

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Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blur...

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

A Southern Sheriff is driving down a secluded section of highway

when he sees what looks like a naked man peeing on a tree. He pulls over and walks up to the man and realizes he is tied to the tree.

The man smiles broadly and says,. "Oh thank God you showed up. You wouldn't believe the day I'm having. First my alarm clock didn't go off so I woke up late...

Earlier today, I saw a bumper sticker that said "I'm a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal."

Suddenly I realized how many proctologists are on the road.

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson had been happily married for decades, but there was one thing that bothered Mr. Johnson.

They had five sons named Al, Ben, Carl, Dan, and Edgar. Now Al, Ben, Carl, and Dan were all tall, thin, and handsome, but Edgar was short, fat, and ugly. Throughout his life, Mr. Johnson wondered if Edgar was really his son, but he never built up the courage to ask his wife.

Finally, the day ...

From my 4 year old: "Dad, i just realized why these things are called nappies..."

" ...because its like a napkin for your pee, so its called na-pee!"

(proud dad moment)

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A man is walking along the Las Vegas strip, and meets the most beautiful woman he's ever seen....

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"$5,000" she replies.

"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a re...

I really wanted to share a link to Weird Al's 1984 Michael Jackson parody today but I realized

That I can't have my Cake Day and Eat It, too.

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An Old Man Get's The Attention Of The IRS For Some Suspicious Activities

The old man arrives to his appointment with the IRS representative with his lawyer.

The rep asks how he accumulated so much money without working a job or owning investments.

The old man responds: "I make all my money placing bets"

Rep: "What kind of bets do you make?"

Ol...

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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you...

I just realized my countertop is made of marble..

I have been taking it for granite all these years.

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I didn't realize how racist my family was until I brought my black girlfriend home for Thanksgiving dinner

My wife and kids HATED her!

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John, Paul and Frank go to heaven (flagging it NSFW just in case)

When they arrive at the gate, St. Peter checks the list and tells them a bit about heaven: "It's a great place. The fountains are full of the best wine, we have the best food that appears when you think of it. Your housing will be the most beautiful and luxurious villa you couldn't even dream of on ...

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An airline pilot, who didn't realize his microphone was live, said to the co-pilot:

"Man I could sure use a hot cup of coffee and a blow job from that red-headed flight attendant!"

That statement was heard throughout the plane and the furious red-headed flight attendant unbuckled her seat-belt and stormed off toward the cockpit.

Seeing this, a passenger shouts, "Miss!...

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

I woke up one night to someone knocking on my front door.

I felt uneasy, but I went and answered it anyway. When I opened the door, I looked around, and then spotted a shellfish on my welcome mat.

"Let me in", it cried, "I'm being chased by a bunch of wasps."

That was when I realized why I felt so uneasy.

This was the clam before the s...

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Sign Language in the Shower

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What? The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wif...

You know I always used to think that my girlfriend was just not funny.

That was until I realized that she told me jokes everyday! Like “I love you” or “I never cheated on you”

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A nun and a priest were travelling across the desert...

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of waiting,...

When did the beautiful woman realize she needed to stop buying so many products online?

When the mailman started referring to her as the Amazon woman.

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

A husband and wife are expecting twins

A husband and wife are expecting twins; she's pregnant with a girl and a boy. A couple of weeks before her due date, the wife is hanging out with her brother at home and suddenly has shooting pains in her abdomen. Her husband is out of town for work, so she has her brother drive her straight to the ...

Why did Seven decide to salvage her relationship with Nine?

Because she realized that if Nine went away, she'd just be two negative.

Why did the Trump supporter not realize he had COVID-19?

He didn't have a sense of taste to begin with.

A women is out golfing (the magic frog)

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but...

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Here It Is! The Poopie list!

Ghost Poopie--The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie--The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie--The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unw...

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

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That moment when you’re afraid you just shit your pants, and then you realize “oh thank goodness...”

“They’re not my pants.”

A doctor once got rich when he realized he could run a lucrative circumcising clinic by

keeping all the tips

When I was a child my mum always used to bathe me in cheap Australian beer.

It wasn't till I was 18 that I realized I'd been Fostered....

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer.

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The New Yorker the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"

The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begi...

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

Donald Trump still doesn’t realize that he has lost the 2020 Presidential Election.

Things like this become obvious when the writing is on the wall, but the wall was never finished.

You do realize that Vampires aren't real...

Unless you Count Dracula.

I actually just realized that cake day is your Reddit anniversary and not your birthday because of a notification I just got.

It’s me. I’m the joke.

I used to collect stamps but gave it up, but then I realized it wasn't worth the time

Philately will get you nowhere

tears stream down brutus’ face as he realizes what he’s done. the rodent tugs his hair purposefully, and like a marionette he plunges the knife deeper into his old friend’s back. their eyes meet. caesar whispers his final words:

“rat tu, touille?”

Before our marriage when my wife told me that she’s a cat person, I should have realized that...

..... for the rest of my life she’s gonna sit on the other side of the bed & ignore me all day.

I was offered a free meal at Texas Roadhouse and didn’t take it. I realize now...

That it was a Missed Steak.

An Estonian visits russia

He departs from Tallinn, the journey goes as planned until, 2 hours and a half in, he realizes he needs petrol otherwise he won't get to russia, so he stops at a gas station near narva, and decides to get a snack and go to the bathroom. So before filling up his car he gets off, walks to the gas stat...

Some losses may be your gain

An unemployed man applies for a job as a toilet cleaner at a large computer company and takes an appointment for an interview with the company's manager.

During the interview, the manager told the unemployed person: You have been accepted for the job.

But we need your email to send you...

I realized that I can’t take my dog to the park anymore. He keeps getting attacked by ducks.

I guess that’s the last time I buy a pure bread dog.

A man is in bed with his wife when there’s a knock at the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the doo...

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A man on vacation is having horrible stomach pains, and realizes he has a tapeworm...

The resort doctor taps on his stomach a few times, listening with a stethoscope. Then he tells the man, "Come back tomorrow with a banana and a cookie."

"Ummm... okay..." the guy says, skeptical. "What for?"

"Do you want my help, or don't you!?" the doctor says. "Just do what I tell yo...

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A patient had a terrible stuttering problem

and the doctor realized it was due to the man’s 15 inch penis pulling on his vocal cords.

The doctor talks the man into removing 5 inches of the penis and freezing it in case the man ever decided to have it re-attached. The surgery is a success and the man can speak stutter-free for the firs...

In the middle of the night, a taxi driver picked up a lone woman

It's pitch black outside and the woman is otherworldly beautiful. The taxi driver just started doing night shifts and he suddenly remembered all the stories about ghost women seducing young men at night which made him very nervous. Aside from giving an address, the woman was silent the whole way. As...

A letter an 83-year-old lady wrote to her grandson.

My dear grandson,



Some days ago, I experienced something wonderful, which I want to share with you.

I went to a religious shop and found a car sticker saying: "Honk if you love God!"

I decided to buy it and stick it on the bumper of my car.

When I went away, I was...

At his death bed, Achilles realized that they where going to loose the war and uttered his last words.

Defeet hurts.

I was stumbling my way back to my airbnb near Anchorage, Alaska at 2 am and got a little lost.

I came to a graveyard and realized where I was staying was just on the other side, so I figured I'd just cut through. As I approached the graveyard I came across 3 young ladys, nicely dressed and in high heels. They were also looking to also cross the graveyard and seemed to have a fun night out the...

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24 hours to live

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife says, "Honey, you know I now have o...

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A girl comes home late in the evening...

A girl comes home late in the evening and still thinks how terribly she wants to smoke, but she has no cigarettes. Already near the house, she comes to the conclusion that she has to smoke. She sees three bums sitting on a nearby bench. She comes up to them and asks if they would give her a cigarett...

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"...

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Through a poorly-worded genie wish, a man now has a 20-inch-long penis.

While the bragging rights were good for a few days, the man soon realizes that his dick is uncomfortable and unusable, and he must find a solution. He begins asking the local enchanters and witches if they have any suggestions, and finally gets a lead that the enchanted forest over yonder is home to...

I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toasts. It was then I realized...

...I'd accidentally ordered Avogadro's Toast.

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Busted axle

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroo...

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There once was a wasp that lived in a jungle.

This was not your ordinary wasp though; he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself,...

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I was talking to my uncle about his high school years…

He said when he started high school he was the biggest trouble maker in the school. He cut classes, got in fights, smoked in the bathroom, etc etc. Said he spent half his freshmen year sitting outside the principal’s office.

Eventually he got expelled and his parents had no choice but to sen...

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Social Security Application

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “I will have to go home and come back later.” ...

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One of the Saddest Stories I’ve Ever Heard

The HighSchool Girls National diving team’s plane crashed into the ocean, and they washed up on a deserted island.

Physically, the few survivors were unharmed, but as the days past, their minds began to crack as they realized that they had not the tools, knowledge, or materials to build a wor...

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