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Happen Jokes

Murphy's Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole's Law?

It's finely-shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

Man: My girlfriend is pregnant, but I always wear a condom. How did this happen?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story; a hunter carried his gun with him everywhere he went. One day, he mistakenly grabbed his umbrella and went out. A lion attacked him and hoping to scare it off he pointed the umbrella at it like a rifle and yelled "Bang" and the lion dropped dead.

Man: That's i...

What should happen to the person who invented Knock Knock jokes?

They should get a No-Bell prize. :)

What would happen if a piano fell on top of you?

You'd b-flat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

True Story: This genuinely happened last night. I work as a Doorman/Bouncer. I own a pair of electrically heated socks. A customer came out for a cigarette as I was plugging the battery packs in and switching them on...

Lady: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm just turning my socks on."
Lady: "Ooooo, that's *very* considerate of you!"
Me: "What d'you mean?"
Lady: "Well, most guys I know wouldn't bother with that... they'd just cum in them!"

What happened to the Twitter employee, that told Elon Musk not to rename the company?

He became an X employee!

What happens when you put a lot of LGBT people in a long line?

You get a LGBTQ.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's actually a mathematical formula to describe all the Republicans lining up to pretend like the January 6th attack didn't happen.

It's called the Fibbing Nazi Sequence.

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

What happens when you finger a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red.

A very badly beaten up man came to hospital. Doctor asked what the hell had happened to him.

Man: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said:" It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!".

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?

"...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"

Paratrooper: What happens if my parachute doesn't open?

Sergeant: Bring it back and we'll give you a new one.

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked the professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”

He said, “Sorry. There’s no time.”

People really should have known what was going to happen with Communism

There were so many red flags

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

The year is 2024 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Wisconsin. A few days after the election, the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her father and says, “So, dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”

“I don't think so, Susie. It's an 18-hour drive.”

“Don't worry about it, dad! I will send Air Force One, and a limousine to pick you up at your door.”

“I don't know, Susie. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?”

“Oh, dad,” replies Susan, “I'll make sure she ha...

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."

"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Di...

My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.”

Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

What will happen if you have a wooden car with wooden engine and wooden wheels?

It wooden start.

Soo we’re going to the Autopsy club tonight huh? What’s happening there?

It’s open Mike night!

I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again.

I didn't get pulled over or anything, I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.

What happens if you you cross an angry cow with an angry sheep?

You get two animals that are in a *baaaad moooood.*

What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?

It was given two consecutive sentences.

I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen...

I can feel it...

What happens when you don't get any upvotes on your cake day....

You feel desserted.

You'll never guess what happened to my foreskin when I went to a Jewish festival the other day?

[/removed]

On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened,

and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for free?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And the second time, do you remember when our boy got a DUI, and the judge let him off with probation?" He says ye...

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What can happen if you have sex with shellfish?

You get clamydia

Use any units you'd like (actually happened in a class of mine)

Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.

Student: *raises hand*

Professor: Yes?

Student: 1 Earth

The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me!

On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.

What would happen if Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US?

He’d be rolling in his grave.

Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars

Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle

I've never been to a gynecologist's office, but I have some ideas about what happens there ...

It's all just speculation of course.

What happened to king Henry the VIII’s wife’s head?

(removed)

The teacher asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week." "Good grief!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?" "He must be," said Little Johnny.

"He stopped calling for help yesterday

What happens if a Danish blonde moves to Sweden?

The average intelligence of both countries goes up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when Donald Trump takes Viagra?

He grows taller.

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It’s not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

Give a man a fish he eats for a day. What happens if you teach a man to duck?

He avoids walking into a bar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This actually happened to me...

A homeless guy once came up to me while I was in downtown Knoxville. He held his hand up, which had obviously been in a horrible accident a long time ago and was missing a thumb and a pinky. He asked, "Why can't you masturbate with this hand?". Not wanting to offend, I said "I'm not sure, why?". ...

What happened when Tinker Bell couldn't find a bathroom? [Original]

She Peter Pans

People of China, do you want to hear what happened on Tiananmen square in 1989?

No tanks.

As you get older three things happen.....

The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.....

What's the most frustrating thing that can happen to a man?

When their wife misuses the word "mansplaining".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would happen if all Women disappeared from the world?

That would eventually be a Pain in the Ass.

What would happen if Sweden invaded the country to the East of them?

They would cross the Finnish line.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens after you eat jackfruit?

Jack shit.

What happens when you mess up at ninja church?

The nun chucks you out

What happened in Hong Kong this week?

According to Beijing, it's as calm as a June Summer's day in Tiananmen Square.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wife asked what would happen if we added smoking weed to our sex

I answered : “489”

What would happen if you cut Chewbacca off in traffic?

He Wookiee your car!

What happens when you take a joke too far?

The 45th President of the United States of America.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happened to the bank teller that masterbaited in the vault?

He came into a lot of money

My friend told me that 85% of all car accidents happen within 5 miles of home.

So I moved.

What happens when you eat aluminum foil?

You sheet metal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This actually happened, and I’m sorry if the joke exists, i dont kno about it and I’m proud.

So I was at a bar, for a long long time. And I went to the bathroom to the urinal, and went about my business.

A drunk as hell guy comes in and goes to the urinal next to me to unleash, and says

“Why you holding on to your dick, is it so small you can’t aim?”

And I INS...

What happened?

A passerby saw a man laid flat on the sidewalk in front of the local beauty shop and ran to offer assistance. As the man came blinking into consciousness, the passerby asked, “What happened?”

The man rubbed the back of his head and said, “I don’t know! Last thing I remember, my wife was comin...

What would happen if...

Someone was to slap you at high frequency??

Well the definite answer is IT HERTZ a lot!

What would happen if skunks lost their smell?

They'd become ex-stinked.

What would happen if Snoop Dog joined the Fantastic Four

I don't know, but I do know that The Thing will no longer be the only one stoned

It happened once...

A little boy once came home with a 10 dollar bill and he said "I found it".

His mother asked "Luke, did you really find it? Are you sure?"

He said "Sure mamma, I even saw the man looking for it"

\- Sadhguru

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did anybody hear what happened to that guy on the highway?

He pulled up to a gas station to fill up his tank, i guess they were doing maintenance on the pumps and didnt put one back together right, so while he was pumping, the hose popped off the nozzle and started spraying gas all up his arm.

So he went in PISSED. He was cussing, and yelling, eventu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

wanna know what happens when you give a politician viagra?

He gets taller

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[ NSFW ] Little billy is out back in his yard, playing with his toy airplane when his mother happens to glance out of the open window.

8 year old Billy "flies" his toy airplane around, making engine noises until it, presumably at it's imaginary destination, comes screeching to a halt.

" Ladies and gentlemen", says billy, pretending to be the captain. "Everyone getting the hell out should get the hell out. And anyone getting ...

The other day I learned about the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon, which is when increased awareness of something causes you to create the illusion of it happening more frequently

I’ve been seeing a lot more examples of it lately

The French Revolution was pretty rough. Did you hear about what happened to Louis XVI's head?

[Removed]

I asked my parachute instructor what happens if it doesn't open.

He said you're jumping to a conclusion.

What happens if you boil your funny bone?

You make a laughing stock of yourself :)

What happened to Kamala Harris' campaign?

She had the black vote all locked up.

How does Thom Yorke wake up on a weekend that doesn’t happen to coincide with his birthday?

With no alarms and no surprises

During a trial the defendant says "Your Honor, I believe that someone who saw his father die from the hands of a man he trusted most, and then witnessed the same thing happen to his mother, deserves to be granted a more lenient sentence".

The judge replies: "Sir, while I appreciate your concern, I do not think this line of thought applies to murdering your own parents."

Did you hear what happened to the guy whose left arm and left leg got chopped off?

---

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would happen if I called you a moron?

Attorney: Your honor, what would happen if I called you a fucking moron?

Judge: I’d hold you in contempt and throw you in jail.

Attorney: Can you hold me in contempt for just thinking it?

Judge: No, I can’t punish you for your thoughts.

Attorney: In that case your...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

America won't participate if a 3rd world war happened....

.. it's a first world country.

What happens when a pizzaman does an AMA on Reddit?

OP delivers.

What will happen to your iPhone under Communism?

There won't be any iPhones, but you will have an UsPhone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what happens when you slap Dwayne johnson in the butt?

You hit rock bottom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happened to the Navy soldier who got caught masturbating?

He was dishonourably discharged for discharging dishonourably.

Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..

So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.

The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?

He replied 'India '.

The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'

He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian des...

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.

"Ah, yes," the Engli...

What happened when the escalator broke down?

Everyone stopped and staired! 🥁

I wish I could find out what happened to my neighbor who couldn't pay his mortgage.

You know, for closure.

What happened when the orange slept with the dirty lemon?

He got lemonaids.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little...

What happened to the short sighted circumciser?

He got the sack.

What happened to the handy man when he lost his hands?

He became an army man.

Something scary happened. A family on my street all died of mysterious head injuries.

And I live a stone's throw from their house.

Do you know what happens when your designer jeans get tangled in the dryer?

Guess knot

What happens if a frog parks illegally?

It gets toad.

What happens if you don't pay your exorcist?

You get repossessed.

What happened after Trump cried when he lost the tennis game?

He was indicted for racket-tear-ing!

what happens if you look at a light switch and flick it?

It gets turned on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Excuse me sir, would you happen to have the time?"

Some American tourists were cruising the marketplace in Cairo, Egypt, looking for some souvenirs to bring home with them, and one of them came across a man knelt down by a camel and he asked.


"Excuse me sir, would you happen to have the time?"


The Egyptian looked at him, reache...

What happens when a clown retires?

I don't know, but it's safe to say whoever's gonna replace him has big shoes to fill.

You wouldn't happen to be a consultant now, would you?

One day, a shepherd was out grazing his sheep when a stranger came up to him and made him a proposition:

Stranger: If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have without counting them, will you let me have one of them as a prize?

The farmer, out of curiosity , agreed.

So the ...

What happens if you commit a crime in Australia?

Oh please, they're a modern country. You go to jail unless you are a politician.

In 1978, the Jonestown massacre happened where 909 ppl lost their lives. You never hear too many jokes about it…

because the punchline is too long.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when the thermometer breaks during your rectal examination?

Mercury is in Uranus

What happens when there’s an earthquake in the Horn of Africa?

Shake Djibouti!

What happened when Mary had a little lamb?

The doctor fainted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what happens when you put your penis in the vacuum cleaner?

The Walmart security guard throws you out.

Do you know what happened to the UPS driver who had an abortion?

She didn’t deliver.

Courtesy of my 7 year old - What happens if you don't eat a balanced diet?

You will tip over

A child psychologist had twin boys—one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.

That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.

“What’s wrong?” the father asked.

“I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken!” sobbed the pessimist.

Passing the optimist’s room, the father fou...

What’s the worst thing that can happen on Friday?

You realize it’s Thursday.

What happened to the man who beat his wife with a musical instrument?

He was charged with domestic violins.

What happened to the plant in the Mathematics Faculty?

It grew square roots.

What happens to people who make bad jokes?

They get pun-ished.

What happens when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?

You get kicked out of the petting zoo.

Erections happen all the time

A man is about to get a prostate exam from his doctor. Before the doctor begins, he tells the man "I must tell you, during this type of examination, erections happen all the time. They are very common, and trust me, it's nothing to be embarrassed about."

The man seems a little uncomfortable, ...

Did you hear what happened to Jimmy? Tertible! His wife divorced him and left him without a single penny!

\- Well, I have it far worse. Not only is my wife ileaving me without a single penny, she also has absolutely no intention to divorce me.

What happens if you cross Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Phillip?

You die in a car accident in Paris.

What happens if you violate the ban on wordplay?

Pun-ishment.

What happened after God legalized weed?

Prophets were at an all-time high

What happens to you if you smoke weed in Afghanistan?

You get stoned

Why is 90 happy to know what’s going to happen next?

Because 91

What happened to the fly that started streaming?

He got swatted.

I happen to be really well read

by the people I text. Haven't heard from them yet.

What happens when two insomniacs sleep together?

They sleep less

Did you hear what happened to Jimmy?

Did you hear what happened to Jimmy?
He lost a hundred pounds!

American: That’s great news!
Englishman: That’s awful news!

What happens if you drive a Subaru in reverse?

U R A Bus!

What Happens If 3 Logicians Go to a Bar?

Three semanticians walk into a bar. The bartender asks: "Do you all want a drink?". The first semantician says: " I don't know". The second semantician says: " I don't know". The third semantician says: "Yes!" And the bartender gave everyone drinks.

What's the worst thing that can happen to a man?

Running into a wall while erect and breaking your nose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when an outhouse becomes a regular house?

Nobody gives a shit.

What happened to the cow that refused to become steaks?

She was grounded.

What happens to you when you consume an "edible"?

You turn into a Weed Eater.

A guy was nailing his interview and the employer said "well application looks great but there's a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened?"

The guy says "oh I went to yale",
The employer: Oh great your hired you start Monday.

Guy: "Yay I got a yob!"

I was in the middle of ironing when something terrible happened.

It was a pressing emergency.

What happens when southern people can't talk anymore?

They go through withdrawl

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens in Vegas

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?' Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'

Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job? No hand-job is wort...

I asked my proctologist:. What happened to all the patients who had their colonoscopys delayed due to covid.....

He said, "oh we got caught up. Everyone got it in the end".

What happens when fruit dies?

It pear-ishes

It makes me sick when people forget to add an apostrophe. I swear if it happens again...

I'll be ill

What happened to Theon Greyjoy's manhood?

[removed]

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing was happening, so I said to her,

“What’s the matter, you can’t think of anybody either?”

What happens when a frog’s car dies?

He needs a jump. If that doesn’t work he has to get it toad...

I've got a joke about what happens if you shoot an archduke...

...but it's a bit over the top lads.

What happens when a pig eats an edible?

It becomes a pot bellied pig.

What happens to rainbows that break the law?

They go through the prism system

What happens when fog disperses in California?

UCLA

What happened to the fraction when it was convicted?

It was drawn and quartered.

What happened when the world’s tongue-twister champion got arrested?

They gave him a tough sentence!

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm. When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.

Farmer: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.

One of the police men asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?

Farmer: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive".

But I couldn't believe them.

You know, these politicians. They can lie.

What's the worst thing that could happen in a prostate exam?

Having two hands placed on your shoulders.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when the letter E takes a shit?

A Vowel movement.

What happened when a hurricane hit Alabama?

It caused 10 million dollars worth of improvements.

My uncle is an idiot. He saw a commercial that said, "9 out of 10 accidents happen within a mile of your home."

So he up and moved

Sorry, it won't happen again!

Yo mamma is so ugly, when she brought a pig into Walmart, the manager said, "Get that pig out of here," and the pig said, "Sorry, it won't happen again!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Joke I heard today) What happens when you give a Lawyer Viagra?

They get taller.

What would happen if giant ducks roam the land?

Earthquacks

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