One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."

"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Di...

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Do you know what happens if you scream "Bloody Mary" 3 times in the mirror, at 3am?

Your mom will tell you to shut the fuck up and go to bed.

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A woman was pulled over for speeding. This is what happened:

Woman: Is there a problem Officer.

Officer: ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it four times for drunk driving.

Offic...

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What happens if you jingle Santa’s balls

A white Christmas

What happens after you turn 18?

***Your free trial of life ends***

What happens when you drop a steak on the floor?

It becomes ground beef.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when you give Viagra to a politician?

They get taller

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A man gets diarrhea and decides to ask for help to his neighbor who happens to be a doctor.

He crosses the road and rings to the door.
The neighbor welcomes him in:

“Hey, how are you? Sorry if I’m in a hurry but I need to leave in half an hour and I’m still packing. Do you need anything?”

“Oh, I didn’t know, sorry to bother you, I just wanted to ask for advice really quick...

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My favorite NSFW Joke: A guy calls his friend, and says "you're not gonna BELIEVE what happened to me last night...

I was walking home from the bar, and I saw this woman tied to the railroad tracks, like in the old silent movies!"

His friend says "that's crazy! So what did you do?"
"Well, I untied her of course! And then I took her home and had sex with her all night long."

His friend says "tha...

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What happen at after you go to Jack in the box, Dairy Queen and Burger King?

You take a royal flush.

What would happen if all the beds would instantly dissapear?

Everyone would fall asleep

A 90 year old just told this: What happens when you drop the turkey out of the oven?

It's the downfall of Turkey and the overflow of grease.

3 blondes walking down a dirt road when they happen upon a set of tracks.

First blonde says, “I recognize these. They’re deer tracks.

Second says, “no you are wrong. They are moose tracks”

The third one then chimes in, “you both are wrong, they are clearly elk tracks!”

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

What happens when you mix acid and bass?

Dubstep

What happens when a dog doesn’t want a child?

He gets an aborktion

A guy with a wooden eye goes to the club and sees a beautiful woman standing at the bar. She happens to have a peg leg. He walks up and asks her to dance...

She says “Would I!”

He says, “I didn’t want to dance with you anyway, peg leg!”

What happens if you kiss a bird?

You get chirpies. But it’s okay because it tweetable!

What happens if you tighten a Bolt too much?

You bust a Nut

According to statistics, 80% of all fatal plane crashes happen in the first 3 or last 8 minutes of the flight.

But according to even more precise statistics, 100% of all fatal plane crashes happen within the last 0.1 seconds of the fight.

What happens when life gives you pickles instead of lemons?

You dill with it.

What happens to a failed brain surgery?

The patient loses its mind.

What happens when a frog illegally parks?

It gets toad!

What happened to the angry witch on her broom?

She flew off the handle!

What happens to a frog’s car if it breaks down?

It gets toad away!

An English cat named ABC challenges a French cat named 123 to a swim across the English Channel, from the UK to France. They both swim hard, but only the English cat makes it. What happened to the other cat?

Well, un deux trois quatre cinq.

What happens when you get a Communist to play "spin the bottle"?

Famine.

What happens when you eat aluminium foil?

You sheet metal

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”


The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”


The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’...

What happens when you come across a lion in the jungle?

Wipe it off and politely apologise

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

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A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that the grandfather has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, etc.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, "Its okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there boy."

At the checkout, the little te...

Freddy Mercury, Venus Williams Williams Bruno Mars all happened to walk into the same bar.

But they didn't planet that way.

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So many people that knew what was going to happen this year and didn't tell the rest of us.

All the people with 2020 vision are jerks.

What does happen to polar bears if they sit on ice too long

Polaroids

What happens when two eels fall in love?

They develop eelings for each other

You know, with everything that’s happening so far in 2020…

You’d think someone would have seen it coming!

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He started slowly undoing his belt from under the table. She bit her lips. Was this really happening? Here? "Fuck it" she thought, and she started undoing her own belt from under the table.

He motioned to the waiter "another round of wings please"

They smiled at each other, knowing they both had room now.

What happenes when you beat up an electrician?

You get charged with battery

What happened when the strawberry attempted to cross the road?

There was a traffic jam

Mrs Rosy Jones was going to the market in New York where she happened to meet Father Patrick.....

Father: "Hey, you are Rosy right? I got you married in New Jersey, when I was posted there".

"Yes Father" Says Rosy.

"How is your husband and the little ones ?"

"Husband is fine but so far, no children".

Father Patrick: "Don't worry, child. I'm going to Rome next week. ...

What happens when a Karen and a Boomer crash into each other?

KaBoom!

What happens when you’re late to the cannibal meeting?

You get the cold shoulder

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”

He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”

When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”

“Very good,” she replies.

“And what happened to my present?...

What happens when a dragon gets bored of strip steaks?

Flaming Yawn

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Well, it finally happened today, I knew it would eventually so I was ready.

I came out of Walmart with my mask on and keeping six feet away from everyone, I pushed my cart to my car, all the while wearing my face mask. A woman was getting out of her car next to me with no mask. As I'm putting groceries into my car she says, "Let me guess - you're a liberal - ‘cause that ma...

What happens when you drink too much water in Paris?

European.

What will happen if you're captured by quantum pirates?

You'll have to walk the Planck!

What happens to teachers who are bad at their subjects?

They are sent back to school

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

What happens when you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat
You get fat

What? Expecting a pi joke?

What is something with 8 eyes, 8 legs, and 8 hands?

8 pirates

My little brother told me this joke and I am so proud of him.

Edit: Look, I don't want to be one of those redditors who say 'thank's for the gold kind stranger' every time they get awarded, but after seeing this post rise I get it why they do that. For me, whose posts never g...

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

Getting my drone stuck in a tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it is definitely up there.

When British people pronounce words like “Water” they say it like “Wuh-er”. So what happened to the T?

They drank it

I thought getting an erection during a prostate exam was inappropriate, but my Doctor told me it happens all the time, just ignore it.

I tried to but he kept rubbing it against my hip.

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I (23F) promised my boyfriend (26M), that we can watch porn together and do anything that happens in it .....

After watching the porn I fucked his stepbrother and now he is angry. What to do?

TL: Boyfriend is angry at me because I did what he wanted for his birthday.

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man sa...

If you had told me back on NYE all the sh*t that’d happen in the first half of 2020...

I would’ve said, “Don’t July.”

Modern China's history isn't about what has happened

It's about what hasn't happened

I hate when I'm wiping and my finger goes through the paper. Happens every time!

That aside, my new job at the old people's home is going well.

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?

The dark night rises.

What happens after you and I buy glasses?

We’ll see

What happens when a cow eats dynamite?

Well, its abominable.

What happened to the fungi who moved into a New York apartment?

He didn't have mush-room

What happens to joke thieves on r/jokes?

Instant karma

What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist?

You get repossessed.

What happens when you finger a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red.

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What happens when a bridge pisses you off?

It makes you cross

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face. The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...

"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, 60, who died of heart failure while making love to his mistress, hence the enormous smile." says the coroner.

"Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars in the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
...

What happens when the world runs out of toilet paper.

Depends.

What happened to the transphobic subs during the ban wave?

They got TERFed out.

What happens when you create a fake sob story on Reddit?

Karma comes back at you.

What happens if you mix a cat and a grenade

Caboom

What happened to the Frog when he wrecked his car?

He got TOAD!

Pollen is what happens when flowers

can’t keep it in their plants.

What happens when you play a country song backwards?

You get your truck back, you get your house back, you get your girl back, and you get your dog back.

What happens when you play Russian hardbass to a tree?

It becomes DIMItree.

At a state dinner, both the King of the Czech lands and the King of France happened to witness a murder.

The next day, they held a joint conference to describe what they each had seen. As the King of France gave his recollection of the details of the murder, the audience gasped and clutched their handkerchiefs and at the end swooned in amazement. But when the King of the Czech lands gave his eyewitness...

What happens to musicians when they die

They de-compose

What happens when you add Cold hot sauce on Hot food?

you Chili things up.

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A fellow stuck in a coronavirus outbreak, prayed to God for help.

Soon the head of the WHO came by. He said “Try social distancing! It can save you!”

The fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me.” So the head of the WHO went on.

Then Dr. Fauci came by and told the man “Wear a mask! It can save you!”

The ...

The changes with NASCAR were bound to happen......

They've been turning left for years.

A nurse at the hospital asked me if I remembered what happened to me the night before

I told her I was in a bar when two large ladies came in speaking a strange accent.

Making casual conversation I said “Cool accent! Are you two ladies from Ireland?”

One of them snarled at me “It’s Wales, dumbo”

So I corrected myself “Oh right, so are you two whales from Ireland...

What happened after the Spanish King got his car stolen?

Juan Carlos.

I thought that people getting mad over wearing a mask was not real, but today it happened to me as well. He told me Im an idiot for wearing a mask during a situation like this..

Like dude wtf, you're a dentist, aren't you like a doctor or something?

This happened many years ago when Blackberry phones were still popular

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep yo...

What happens when you hear that a meme died in New?

You attend a memeorial service.

Investigator to trainee helicopter pilot: "So you survived the crash. How did it happen?" Pilot: "Flying too high. I was shivering. Too cold." "Then what?"

"Then (pointing to the rotor) I switched off the fan."

What happened after 2 French cities got into a fight?

They made Amiens with each other.

My fortune cookie said that something positive would happen to me this week and it finally happened!!!

Guys do you know what this coronavirus thing is?

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead.

"Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.

"Not so good," says Harry.

"Why, what happened?" James queries.

"Well," Harry says, "I just went bankrupt and I've still got to feed my family. I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Could hav...

My neighbor grew tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school.

His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."

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I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chai...

My wife called me and said “ If you’re not home from the bar in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked for you to the dog.”

I was home in 3 minutes, I’d hate for anything to happen to the poor dog.

The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?!"

"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

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A convict was sent to work at a church, you won't believe what happened next...

A guy got sentenced to do some community service at the local church after robbing it. The first day, the priest decided to put him to work at the confessional booth and accompanied him through the first confessions to show him how it works.

First woman entered the booth and said: "Bless me F...

Once management wants you fired, you’ll be fired

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn't like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, "I have served you loyally f...

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I tried to translate joke from Arabic

Three women setting together talking about a new ways to initiate sex with thier husbands,
One of them says "I have a good way, when ever I want to have sex with John I touch his dick and say your dick is very cold, do you need warming it a bit?, And that's it"

next day they the second wo...

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Translated this joke from my native language...

A guy say (Billy) who had very small penis, came to know about a guy. who knew a word, which upon saying penis grows by some inches.



Billy went there, that guy sat on a hill, and to climb that hill, there was a rope. So Billy started climbing that hill, upon climbing, the man asked B...

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something horrible is about to happen...

I can feel it

What happens when the CIA go to sleep?

They go undercover.

Farmers wife

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.


"I real...

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An 80-Years old man goes for a Penis Checkup...

After a brief evaluation of his penis the doctor says,

Doctor: Eveything looks fine, but for a complete analysis, we need your sperm(semen) sample too.

He gives him a small glass bottle.

Doctor: Bring this back tomorrow and then we'll proceed further.

Next day the old man...

After the physics lecture ended, I asked my professor “What happened before The Big Bang?”

He said, “Sorry. There is no Time.”

What happens when a piano falls down a mine shaft?

A miner B flat

What happens when a piano falls on an army base?

A major B flat

I decided to ruin my friend’s proposal to someone else, so here’s what happened

I think the title sounds worse than it really is. My (24M) best friend (24M) Hugh was planning to propose to his girlfriend Samantha (25F) by recreating some of the moments from their early dates. This included watching the Pixar movie Up and going rock climbing at an indoor gym, among other things....

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I think time travel exist because every time something bad happens in 2020 it's someone tryna fix something in the past but keep fucking shit up.

Like, where'd all the murder hornets go?

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. 

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

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Wanna know what happened to the guy who died from a Viagra overdose?

They couldn't close his casket.

It could happen

Ah Mis’sippi Highway Patrol trooper pulled a car over on Hwy 82 about 2 miles east of tha’ River Bridge at Greenville ‘bout 4:00 yesterday afternoon.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was ah Magician and ah Juggler and he was on his way to Columbus, Mis...

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After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.



When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"



The mysterious Man answered "This isn...

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has a...

For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...

God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

I wish I could go back in time and warn everyone about everything that has happened so far this year...

I guess hindsight is 2020.

What happened at the cannibal’s wedding party?

They toasted the bride and groom...

My 7yo told me I had to post this. Enjoy the giggle!

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My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

You’re walking along the Oregon trail

You’re walking along the Oregon trail when you happen upon a young man. You ask him his name to which he replies Terry. You then proceed to tell him “Terry? Isn’t that a girls name?” Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin Terry

What will happen if Mexico see’s what’s going on in America

They’ll build the wall themselves

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No one foresaw all the crazy shit happening this year...

They lacked 2020 vision.

What happens when one plate goes on top of another?

You get an earthquake

What happened to the car that broke the law?

It was incarcerated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are standing outside a jewellery shop looking at an expensive ring in the display window

The first man says, "That ring is perfect for Karen. I just wish I could afford it."

The second man says, "I was planning on proposing to Julie soon. She'd love that ring."

The third man says, "Okay, I'll make you both a deal. Whichever one of you gets to the bottom of the street first...

What happens to The Avatar when he gets mad?

He gets Aangry!

Three little old nuns are attending a church service in Rome when, in a freak accident, a giant crucifix falls from the old plaster wall and kills them.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates Saint Peter says, "I'm SO sorry, Sisters, that was a freak accident and wasn't supposed to happen.

"Unfortunately, your Earthy bodies were too horribly mangled for us to just send your souls back, but we *do* have a protocol for cases like yours.

"W...

A man goes to Confession to talk to his priest. “Father, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The priest asks: “What’s wrong?”

The man replies: “My wife is poisoning me.”

The priest, very surprised by this, asks: “How can that be?”


The man then pleads: “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me. What should I do?”

“Tell you what,” the priest offers. “Giv...

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A man gets home from work very disgruntled, his wife asks "What is the matter?" (Man) "I got fired from the factory today." (Wife) "Oh honey you poor thing, what did you do now?" (Man) "I stuck my dick in the pickle slicer." Wife *Looks down at his johnson* "What happened to the pickle slicer...?"

She was fired too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Like father like son...

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7x9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9x7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "

"What is the difference?" asks the father...

Did you hear what happened to the Italian chef? He pasta way.

Looks like he ran out of thyme

What happened when Moses banged his shin into the corner of the coffee table?

HE-BRUISED IT!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this happened last night...

>gf is prego
>
>we like to get kinky anyways
>
>one night things get particularly saucy
>
>i'm sticking my noodle in her when I notice weird fucking chunks coming out, so I turn on the lights
>
>wtf it's red everywhere and she's obvi...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are arrested and sentenced to death by firing squad, one by one.

While they wait to be executed they come up with a plan. Right before they are to be shot, each one will yell that some natural disaster or emergency is happening to distract the soldiers and they would be able to escape.

The brunette is first. As she hears the captain counting down to 0 she...

Have you heard what happen to Mike Tyson's strip club?

Do to covid-19 they're clothed till further notice.

Math teacher: What happens if you take 20% off of seven?

Student: It becomes even.

What happened to the Jewish sleepwalker?

He ‘schlept’.

A very badly beaten up man came to hospital. Doctor asked what the hell had happened to him.

Man: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said:" It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!".

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is female amputee event happening this weekend

I heard the place will be crawling with pussy

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he ...

What happened to the Indian bread when it left the country?

It became a Naan Residential Indian.

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