My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again.

I guess the bulb was hot.

If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?

Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.

EDIT: Thanks for the silver, appreciated!
EDIT 2: Wow, thank you, kind stranger, for gold aswell!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

When Mozart died, you could hear his music playing backwards at his grave.

He was decomposing.

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I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a piece of ass

He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex ...

People told Beethoven he could not be a musician because he was deaf.

He didn't listen though.

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There was a competition to find who could last the longest without masturbating.

I came first.

So Tekashi69 could face life in prison

Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence

Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said:

“Burrr… gurrr… King.”

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next ...

I asked a young pretty homeless woman if I could take her home?

She smiled and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked away with her cardboard box.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U

Cause you’re blocking the TV

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The wife said: "Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that..."

And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow..."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

Was once asked on a job interview if I could perform under pressure.

Me: Well I don't know about that, but I'll give Bohemian Rhapsody a try.

Whenever I'm sad my friend always says "cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole that is full of water"

I know he means well...

So a doctor gives a guy a check-up, tries to take his heart beat, nothing, his heart is where his stomach is, his intestines where his lungs should be, and his liver where his stomach should be, i guess you could say his insides were...

Un*organ*ised

A cowboy's horse died on the trail so he had to walk for three days to the next town.He looked everywhere in that town but nobody had an extra horse they could sell.So he took a two day journey to the next town only to find himself in the same situation.However,he did stop by a stable and a man

Suggested he see his brother who runs a stable two days walk just south of town.He finds the stable and near death from exhaustion asks"hey mister,I hear you might have a horse for sale."The stable owner says"well I have one,but he don't look so good."The man replied"I've been walking for nearly a w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.

Then I realised the telly wasn't on.

My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm

I had a hen who could count her own eggs

She was a mathamachicken

When I was a kid, you could walk into a gas station with a $1 bill and leave with a bag of chips, a candy bar, and a coke.

Now, they have cameras everywhere.

The receptionist got a bit shocked when a nun comes running out at full speed, with an expression that could only be described as pure horror.

Receptionist: What in gods name happened to her? The receptionist asked the doctor.

Doctor: Well, I told her she was pregnant.

Receptionist: Pregnant? A nun? Was she really?

Doctor: Of course not, but atleast I managed to cure her hiccups...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On one hand you could find a girlfriend and someone to love

On the other hand there’s masturbation

A single father needed breast milk for his infant baby and so he asked others how he could get it.

A colleague of his who was lactating offered to give her milk to the baby.

She became his breast friend.

Why could the bicycle not stand up by itself?

It was two tired.

You know who could beat captain America?

Captain Vietnam

A man walks up to the store clerk and asks "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or...

They came in a pack, he thought he could take them but he bit off more than he could chew.

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.

One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job.
One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died....

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If only my daughter could see this

I wouldn’t have to pay for her fucking eye surgery

A couple decides to spend a vacation in a Caribbean beach, in the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago, but due to work problems, the woman could not travel with her husband, so she would catch him in few days.

When the man arrived at the hotel, he saw there was a computer with Internet connection in the room. So he decided to send an e-mail to his wife but, he made a mistake in a letter and without realizing he sent it to another address ... The e-mail is received by a widow who had just arrived from her ...

I asked this lady if I could touch her hair

She said yes, so I ran my finger across her lip and that's how the fight started.

My mom thought she could beat me at Scrabble

But I wooden letter

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

worst thing you could say in a sex-ed class?

"can we have a live demonstration?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you could have sex with any dead celebrity, who would it be?

I'd choose Brittany Murphy because she'd still be relatively fresh.

A teacher asked her class if they could have one raw mineral in the world, what would it be?

Little Stevie raised his hand and proudly said, “Gold! It’s worth a lot of money and I can buy myself a nice Porsche!” The teacher nodded her head and said, “Good choice!”

Now the teacher called on Little Susie. Little Susie said, “Well, I would want platinum as it’s worth more than gold! I c...

As my wife-to-be strolled to meet me at the aisle, looking beautiful in her wedding dress, I could tell something was wrong...

She told me she was going to kill me...

It was a thinly veiled threat.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jack and Jill went up the hill, so Jack could lick Jill's candy...

But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock, because Jill's real name is Randy.

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Doc, could I have some Viagra?

An old man goes to the Doc:

“Doc, could I have two and a half Viagra pills?” The Doc hands the old man two and a half Viagra pills: “Sure!”

The next day, the old man again requires two and a half Viagra pills. And again, the Doc gives the man two and a half Viagra pills.

When t...

Today, I tested 10 people to come up with a pun and see if they could make me laugh

No pun in ten did

Me and my one arm girlfriend went shopping together and passed a second hand store. She asked if we could go in.

I told her she won’t find what she’s looking for.

I spilled laundry detergent all over myself and the basket of clothes I was carrying. There was nothing I could do.

My hands were tide.

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How could Donald Trump ever get elected in this great nation?

...said the country pissed off that the super bowl didn’t play music from spongebob.

I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed

The steaks have never been higher

How many woks would an ewok wash if ewoks could wash woks?

All of them,till the Endor time!

Out walking last night decided to take short cut through a Cemetery when 3 young girls came towards me and said they were petrified walking through the grave yard and asked if they could walk along side me so I said yes...

As we were walking I said don't worry I understand I used to be petrified walking through here when I was alive.
Never seen anybody run so fast.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bill suffered an excruciating pain in his balls since childhood. No doctor could ever diagnose what was wrong with them. So finally, they suggested him to get them operated.

After the operation, now being a free man, with slightly lesser pain than earlier, he was happy and wanted to start his life afresh. So he went to the garments shop closest to the hospital.

'Excuse me, I'd like to buy a suit, could you please take my measures?' said Bill to the owner of the s...

I wasn’t sure my surgeons could handle my hepatectomy...

But they really de-livered.

Was playing soccer last week and the referee said I could only take the free kick if the ball was stationery.

So I swapped it for a pencil.

Why did Aristotle believe men could mold themselves through their actions like clay?

His teacher was Plato.

Sam could sing six magic note

when he sang the seventh he blew up. Do you know why?

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​

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Samsung note 7

My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight. I had to explain to him that I was married now...

...and that's where I sleep.

My friend and I had a contest to see who could successfully use the pullout method of contraception the most.

He was winning but then I made a comeback.

The anti-vaxx couple could not understand why their 2-year old was crying

Everyone cries when they go through a mid-life crisis, duh.

I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of now or laters, and an ice cold drink.

Nowadays, they got cameras everywhere.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that he could win $1000...

He asks the bartender on how he could win. The bartender replies, “Well I got a horse out back - if you can make the horse laugh you win the money.”

The man goes out back and not even 5 minutes later he had the horse dying of laughter. The bartender, being very confused, lived up to his prom...

My yoga instructor said I could start her class at 3pm or 4pm.

She was very flexible.

I asked my horse if he could talk.

He responded "Nay!"

You could join an angling company that pays 10k a day

but, it seems kind of fishy and theres a catch to it

(btw angling is a synonym of fishing)

Did you hear about the chameleon who could not change color?

It had a reptile dysfunction.

I once asked a cheese maker if there was any way he could make me a block of cheddar using soy milk.

Hey said, "I'm sorry, but there's no whey."

My friend said, "I wish there was a way i could send something to your printer."

I said, "fax."

My friend could not afford to pay his water bill..

So, I sent him a "get well soon" card..

My dad's puns are so bad, they could kill anyone who hears them.

He calls them his weapuns of mass destruction

after the invisible man had kids he became a cross dresser. You could say he was a...

trans parent

If you, your parents, and your grandparents use reddit, I guess you could say it’s

Haredditary

Someone asked me the other day if I could tell them what you call someone who's from the Island north of Sardinia.

"Corsican"

Apparently you could fold the new IPhone now

Granted, you cant use it afterwards but you could fold it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had a girlfriend who thought certain tastes and smells could cause her to orgasm.

Then she came to her senses.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife recently asked me: "Hypothetically speaking, if you could have sex with any person in the world, whether real or fictional, who would you choose?"

Apparently, 'Karen' was not the right answer.

My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.

"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.

She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The first time I had sex with my girlfriend, all I could think of was my late wife.

I thought, “This’ll teach her for being late.”

If doors could procreate, they'd have a lot of kids

considering that they're always getting knocked up.

Dear posters of r/Jokes, could you try to be a bit more original?

My friends are really tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again.

I lost my father to smoking. If I could back in time I’d stop him from taking up the habit.

Then he wouldn’t have needed to go out for a pack of smokes and never come back.

They told me to go to the zoo and steal as many bears as I could

I got away with the bear minimum

The opposite of mansplaining is womansplaining. I could explain it to you but...

Have you even listened to a word I said?! I didn't think so! God! Why do I even try with you!

I hired the most obese personal assistant I could find.

She’s a really big help.

I asked my trainer at the gym if I could start shadow boxing.

He said, “Knock yourself out!”

Donald Trump calls Angela Merkel

"Angela", he said, "you need to help me! The biggest condom-factory in the US burnt down last night. We really need 1,000,000 condoms! Could you help us?"

"Sure", Angela said, "shouldn't be that much of a problem."

"The condoms must have the national colors of America. Red, blue and wh...

The wife asked if she could wear one of my wife beaters today...

I was like "Yeah, knock yourself out".

I tried to teach a ghost addition. Despite its efforts, in the end, it could only add 1 at a time.

I was disappointed, but I guess it's the spirit that counts.

I was told i could look at an eclipse with a colander.

I tried it and it just strained my eyes.

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”

Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm a slut for water. In other words you could call me...

a H₂hoe

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tell me a sentence you could both say during sex and at a family dinner

How do you know you don't like it if you've never tried it?

So a ginger friend of mine got their hair dyed, I guess you could say they are now...

A transginger

I asked my dying father if he could pay for his expensive gravestone in advance before he died.

He replied, "Over my dead body."

A poor farmer who lived in a small mining town came to its mayor and asked him if his son could marry his daughter.

The mayor angry at this insolent request, asked: "Why would I ever let your miserable kid marry my princess daughter?" which the farmer promptly replied: "Because he is the new general manager of the mines". The mayor, surprised and impressed with this information, ended up accepting his daughter's ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An older woman walks into a doctors office and asks the doctor if she could get a sample of viagra, but she doesn't want her husband to know about it.

The doctor agrees and tells her to slip it into his coffee and come back in a week and tell him how it goes. The old woman comes back a week later and the doctor asks her how it went. She tells him, "It was amazing! I slipped the pill in his coffee and he ripped my clothes off and made love to me ri...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked a nun friend of mine if I could kiss her ...

She said yes.

A few days later, she let me kiss her again.

The next time I saw her, I asked if I could french kiss her.

She hesitated, then said "Well, okay" so we frenched and it was amazing.

After that, I asked if I could french her again, and maybe touch her.

...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. "Well..." he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it."

"And he won?" I asked.

"Well, no." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The bastard!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I could tell you a joke about pegging...

... but it might come out kinda shitty.

Back in the days a dollar could get me...

A pack of gum, some candy, 2 sodas, 4 pack of chips. Today..well the got cameras everywhere.

People make fake IDs to get into bars. That’s all well and good but I’d rather have 365 IDs that have different birthdays on them so I could get free desserts at every restaurant I go to

Just makes sense really

I think that a lot of conflict in the wild west could of been avoided...

If the cowboy architects just made their towns big enough for everyone.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Saw a guy betting anyone $50 to see if he could fire a bullet into a pile of cow dung 30 yards away.

I thought to myself, “that’s kind of a crapshoot.”

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.”

A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk.

“Why did you buy six cartons of milk?” the wife asks.

He replies, “They had avocados.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...

I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny was sitting by an ant hill squashing every ant he could

A priest and a nun came upon Johnny doing this and asked Johnny to stop. Then asked why Johnny would do such a thing.

Johnny: These ants are useless, and I'm mashing them.

The nun and priest were appalled at his reply, "No, no! Nothing in God's beautiful creation is useless!"

Jo...

I've started selling transparent urns, and I think this business could really take off.

Remains to be seen.

My mate just asked me if he could put a teabag in my mouth and fill me with boiling water.

He must think I'm some kind of mug.

My dad died after no one could remember his blood type for a transfusion

As he was dying he kept telling us "be positive, be positive!" But it's gonna be really hard without him.

My wife said that if this gets 100,000 upvotes, we could try fisting

She even promised that she would take off her rings

Did you hear about the cannibal who could only ever finish half a person?

He was leg/toes intolerant!

I'm so hungry I could eat my watch.

But that would be time consuming

I could have been hired to NASA but I was on vacation...

Later, I was mourning the death of an Opportunity.

I don't think I could be vegetarian.

It would be a big missed steak.

I asked the doctor if I could administer my own anesthetic.

He said, “Go ahead. Knock yourself out.”

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...