Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter… I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, “I really need a new boat.”

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad

I guess it will be 5050



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I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup...

I told her I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete in a tournament yet.

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I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video...

He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.

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[NSFW] Little Johnny asked his grandfather if he could have a cookie from the cookie jar

Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?”

Johnny: “No.”

Grandfather: “Then no cookies for you.”

A number of years later, when Johnny had grown up and was visiting his grandfather again, he asked, “Hey, can I have a beer?”

Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?”...

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.

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A man with a 25 inch penis could not get any girl to sleep with him because his penis was too large...

so he decided to go to the most famous doctor in the world to get some help.

The man asked “Doctor, is there anything you can give me to make my penis smaller?” The doctor said “No, but I think a surgeon might be able to help you with your problem.”

So the man decided to go to the mo...

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What is a food that, if eaten by women, could lower their sex drive by up to 90%?

Wedding cake

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now.

But no, she’s still alive

Lots of violence could have been prevented in the old west

If only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home..

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home.

She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

My sister bet me a thousand dollars that I could not build a car out of noodles.

You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!

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If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

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Ask Reddit be like "If you could have sex with any celebrity, dead or alive, who would it be?"

I'd choose alive. Weirdo.

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I’ve dated a twin once. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple. Ashley painted her nails pink

and Michael had a penis.

Two friends are out for a walk when one turns and asks the other: “if you could have absolutely anything right now, what would it be?”

The other friend thinks for a moment before replying: “I really want to have a nice, relaxing evening at home watching my favourite show with my friend.” The other friend looks extremely confused an says, “What? Imagine you could have ANYTHING. Anything you could have ever dreamt of. A massive house...

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

My grandpa died the other day as nobody could figure out his blood type. I won't forget his last words

'Be positive! Be positive!'

One time I went to Blockbusters and asked if I could rent Batman Forever...

The man at the counter said, “NO! You can only rent it for the week”!

“Take out” could mean food, dating, or murder.

If you’re a praying mantis, it means all three at the same time.

Due to COVID-19, this was the first year I could not go to Switzerland for my summer vacation

Otherwise it's due to the lack of money.

I had a hen that could count her own eggs.

She was a Mathmachicken.

I named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles”

But today, I ran over 5 miles

It was the mid 1990s, I was stuck in the desert and I thought I could see an Oasis...

But it was just a Blur.

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

I wish I could be ugly for one day

Coz being ugly everyday sucks

I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "One day, this could be you"

I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right.

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I asked my step-mom if we could have sex. She asked me what kind of state I am in.

I'm in Alabama.

If pizza could talk what would it say?

Probably lots of cheesy things.

I told this girl that people often tell me I could be Arnold Schwarzenegger's twin.

"I don't think so," she laughed, "You're fat, bald, don't work out, and are much too short!"

"I know.... Danny DeVito."

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Nowadays teens could just look up porn on the internet. Back in my day, they only had porn in the stores. But they wouldn’t sell it to us because we were underage. So we had to pool our money and give it to the homeless guy outside of the store.

He then would strip and play with himself for us. It wasn’t terrible but my point is you kids got it easy.

Starbucks has condemned its employees to wear anything that supports the Black Lives Matter movement. You could say that controversy was...

Brewing

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What else could he say??

A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.

"What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked.

"That...

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I used to work at a restaurant, but I wasn’t a good cook. I could make some good toast though.

It was my bread and butter.

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work...

...I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

I once lied in biology class and told everyone I could touch the tiny hairs in my nose - They all laughed.

I'd never felt cilia.

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After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly al...

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I remember when, as a kid, I learned toilets could flush.

I lost my shit.

“I did not lose a leg in Vietnam so I could serve hot dogs to teenagers!”

“You’ve got both your legs, Frank”

“Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam.”

-Mitch Hedberg (That 70’s Show)

Did you hear about the programmer who was apprehended before he could check in his code?

He was arrested for a crime; he didn’t commit.

Sure, you could teach me how to fly a drone

But I think it would just go over my head

A man is driving around the backwoods and he sees a sign in front of an old, shanty style house that says - “Talking dog for sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog t...

Ninja 1: Hey bud, could you throw me that little metal star?

Ninja 2: Shuriken

A man ventured into a restaurant that showed a sign saying Whatever you could eat, and we would get the bill to get paid by your grandchildren.

When he finished and about to leave the waiter brought him the bill, he snapped saying but you said my grandchildren were to pay, the waiter replied, sure but this one is for your grandfather.

I could never be Prime Minister. Imagine the thousands of people below you, looking to you for inspiration.





It's like being a great grandfather in a Muslim family

The Sword in the Stone is a tale of legend. Only the true King could remove the sword. All that failed did so for one reason.

They did not have arthurization.

I could tell you about how I rubbed grease all over the ladder that leads up into my roof space.

You might say it's an anti-climb attic story.

My friend told me I could fish better if I took the worm off the hook.

That was debaitable.

My friend asked me if I could drive him to town...

I said "I'd love to... but I don't have a fruit to drive."...

well...

What I actually said was "I'd love to... but I don't avocado."

I thought the wind settled down a bit so I could go for a walk. Then a crow flew past my window.

Backwards.

If I could ask Neil deGrasse Tyson anything, it would be...

How different do you think your life would have been if your parents named you Moe instead of Neil and would you still use your full name?

Why did Bill Barr gas protestors?

So the chicken could cross the road

A bull walked up to a cow and boasted that even without an udder he could produce more milk than her.

"How dairy! ? ", thought the cow.

“Mr. Sean Connery, Sir, could I perhaps look at your tool selection and borrow what I need to fix my broken, wall-mounted ledge?”

“By all means, help your shelf.”

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”

“We have no cellphone reception ...

I don't understand why women want to be equal when they could be better.

That shows a lack of ambition to me.

Which is why men are better.

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV - 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI

No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its mea...

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

I told my husband he could embrace his mistakes

So then he hugged our children.

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My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.”

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?”

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said ...

Ghandi walked around barefoot most of the time, so he had rough feet. And he fasted a lot for spiritual and political reasons, so he’s not very physically strong. And because of the fasting, you could say that he did not have great breath, it didn’t smell great.

So to sum it all up, you could say that Ghandi was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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Jake and Jill went up the hill So Jack could lick her candy But Jack got a shock And a mouth full of cock

Cause Jill's real name is Andy

I saw a guy on the street selling clones of himself, he was having a sale where you could buy 6 for the price of one

I turned to my friend and said "get a load of this guy"

NSFW. I could eat a mandarin .....

But I would prefer too eat Amanda out.

I scrolled through 10 puns to see if they could make me laugh

No pun intended

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"C...

Canada could have had it all: American industry, British Culture, and French Cuisine.

Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine

Last night I told my wife that I could control minds.

She replied "Don't make me laugh"...

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NSFW: you could build a thousand bridges, but you will never be called a bridge builder

But suck just one cock...

If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic

Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic:

There isn't any iceberg.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be ...

This girl I met on Tinder had a tattoo of a seashell on her innerthigh

If you put your ear against it and listened closely, you could smell the sea.

The other day I was asked if you could die in the LIVING room.

I said, "Of course! Once you do, it becomes an office."

A pretty girl kissed me today

I wish I could post this in another subreddit.

I think that if I have a good breakfast I could go without food for the rest of the day.

I think that until about lunchtime.

A prince which was in love with a princess was cursed by a witch so that he could only say 1 word each year, he didn´t speak for 4 years until he finally said "Princess, I love you" Then the princess looked at him and said

"What did you say?"







Btw, i took this from a novel i red so some might have heard it before.

My parents said I could go outside but had to stay 6 feet away from everyone

So I went for a nice walk around the cemetery

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman...

...were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to ...

It could be worse...

John knocks on the door and a man opens it.

John confesses he has been sleeping with Mary and that they have had an affair for the last year. The man simply says "well it could be worse"

John goes on to say that Mary has been funneling money to him the entire time and he has spent ...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

I'm color blind and the other day I thought I could actually detect purple,

but it was just a pigment of my imagination.

My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent...

My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent... And you know me always willing to help my friends and family out... I told her..."give me a minute let me check my account and I'll phone u right back." Before I could check my account my friend's mom phones and ...

When I was a kid I could go to the store with only $5 and come home with bread, milk, hotdogs and my favorite candy. You can't do that these days...

Too many damned security cameras.

What did Microsoft say so everyone could trust them?

You have our word.

If I'm going to go to all the effort of remembering you have a baby you could at least have the common decency...

...to still have a baby when I see you several years later.

The hose was twisted water could barely get out. It drizzled weakly.

Sorry this is my kink.

Why did the cops arrest the two crows before more could arrive?

Attempted murder.

There was probable caws.

Do you know why Peter Pan could fly?

If you took a pan to your peter you would fly too! ^(joke courtesy of my dad. A genuine dad joke :P)

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Naked painting

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear ...

If you could choose one NFL team to not come back after the Corona Virus, which one would you choose?

And why did you choose the Patriots?

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The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself,

that's shellfish.

A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him " Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude."

The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it. The genie says “This is your last wish so really make this one count.” The guys says “Well I’ve always wanted to drive out to hawaiian islands, bec...

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A man walks into a brothel...

Which is well known for its good looking ladies and good food.
He walks up to the desk and slams £1000 on the counter "I'd like the toughest most over cooked steak you do and the ugliest girl you have for one hour. But she needs to tell me she has a headache and to do it myself" The madame looks ...

Coronavirus could keep us in lockdown for years

Get ready for the ‘Boring Twenties’.

If I could chose any Jonas brother to have lunch outside with . . .

. . . I would pick Nick

I could fish for upvotes...

But what would be the purpoise of that when I could tell a carp joke instead

Harry Potter could make a great mafia boss

He always catches the snitch

Dear God, Could we please uninstall 2020 and re-install it????

It has a virus.

You could never hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom

The P is silent

I wish I could say I am a light sleeper...

But I’m honestly just fat at all hours of the day.

A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows

I said, “Sure, that’s 20 cows.”

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For BB King's birthday his wife wanted to give him something very special. BB, as famous as he was, already had pretty much everything a person could want, money, fame and happiness.

BB's wife decided to get "BB" tattooed on her butt in such a way that a "B" is on each buttcheek. That night, after eating dinner and cake, she decided to give BB her gift. After explaining that her gift was very special, and that he'll see a very, very special name, she proceeded to bend over and p...

Was told at the local brothel I could have my first visit on the house

I just hope they have a flat roof

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

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When carriages were first invented they had the donkey constantly backing up so they could maintain eye contact with the driver and remain calm.

Soon afterwards however they realized that the idea was completely ass backwards.

I could afford to buy 100,000 balloons, but it wouldn’t be financially prudent...

I can’t afford the cost of inflation.

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Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show yo...

My ex could season a fish like no other.

I miss my Old Bay.

When I was young, I asked my dad if I could have pets and he said no.

He said, “Pets are just a step backwards.”

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I finally understand how people could compare Bernie Sanders to Hitler

Seeing how neither of them could finish a race.

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Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

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A third-grade science teacher asks her students, "If you could have one substance in the world, what would it be?"

"I would have gold," says Harold. "Why?" asks the teacher. "Well," says Harold, "I could sell the gold and make a lot of money."

"I would have platinum," says Susie. "Why?" asks the teacher. "Well," says Susie, "I could sell the platinum and make even more money than Harold."

"I would ...

My wife and I are into role play. Today she said I could pick any song as a role play theme...

I hope her friend Eileen is as excited as I am.

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

After the first 2 rounds of the NFL draft, this team's fans didnt think things could possibly get any worse...

...And here's the kicker...

A Siamese twin said to the other, “Wish we could be separated.”

The other twin replied, “That makes two of us.”

Gee, I wonder if SARS-CoV-2 mutated to the point where it could infect birds...

I guess you could call the disease it causes "CO*R*VID-19," eh?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three girls, a blonde, a readhead and a brunette, are having lunch break together...

The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but... Again a tuna sandwich?"

The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too... Again!"

The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same t...

Someone once asked me if memes could exist in superposition.

Well yes, but actually, no.

If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose?

"Gandhi"

"Why him?"

"More food for me"

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

Could you imagine the world if we all turned out to be nocturnal..

the difference is night and day.

What’s a place a TikTok star could go and not be noticed?

A bar

I met a girl last night at a bar who said she could show me a good time.

When we left she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.42 seconds. Well she wasn't lying.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it's going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Impeccable timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Fe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife was...

Yesterday, in a job interview, the guy asked me if I could perform under pressure.

I said no, but, I would give Bohemian Rapsody a go.

What’s white and blue and could kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A fridge in a denim jacket.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why could you see the astroids willy?

He'd left his belt at home

What did the throwing star say when his friend asked if he could lend a hand?

Shuriken

Guys I tried to think of a social distancing joke

but this is as close as I could get

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party

That’s when I realized he was the favorite twin, not me.

I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided.

had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.

I once went to the liquor store at the corner riding my bike

I meant to buy a bottle of whisky

On my way back home I felt like I could fall off my bike and end up breaking the bottle of whisky

So I decided to drink it all at once right there

It was the best decision of my life because on my way back home I fell off my bike like 8 times.

A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the followin...

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had inde...

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

When I was a boy, my dad told me the great thing about America is that anyone could be elected a governor, senator, or even the President!

I'm starting to believe him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 1...

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