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I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...

I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.

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She told me if I turned the light off I could put it in her butt.

I guess I should've let the bulb cool first.

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The farmer and the vagrant

A vagrant is travelling when a massive rain storm hits, he sees a farm on the horizon so decides to ask the farm if he could use his barn for the night.

The farmer agrees on 1 condition, "Whatever you do dont put you dick in the 3 holes."

During the night curiousity fills the vagrants ...

It's said that Jesus could walk on water...

That's nothing!

Stephen Hawking used to run on batteries!

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I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart

It was simple.

Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a cock.

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A Hippie sits next to a young Nun on the bus and asks her if he could have sex with her?

The Nun, very upset, says “NO! I am married to God!!" and gets off the bus disgusted.

The bus driver sees all this. He tells the hippie “She prays every Tuesday night at midnight in the graveyard...
why don't you dress up in a hooded robe; go to the graveyard and tell her you are God and d...

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It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

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New truck

My buddy Frank bought a new truck today and the dealer made sure to mention that if the spark plugs get wet that is wont work. So if you know it's going to rain to be sure to put vaseline on them.

He happened to be going to his girlfriend's parents house for the first time tonight and Shiela ...

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to.

I was keeping the umbrella.

Hillary Clinton could've been the first f president.

Sorry, I meant to write female but the emale got deleted.

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, ...

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Did you hear about the hen who could count her own eggs?

She was a mathemachicken.

My friend asked me if I could name two different structures that hold water.

I said, "Well, dam..."

I started dancing so that I could sleep with women...

But my signature move was always a beat off.

Asked my wife if I could run my finger through her hair

She nodded and said she would like that.

I started brushing across her top lip,

And that's when the fight started....

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

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This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

I told my sister I could build a car out of spaghetti

She didn't believe me, but you should have seen her face when I drove pasta

What's green, fuzzy and could kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A pool table.

Only the true king could remove the sword from the stone. No one else could.

They didn't have the right.....arthurization.

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I went to visit my old hometown the other day and found the house I grew up in. I knocked on the door and asked the owners if I could have a look around. They said "NO!" and closed the door in my face.

My parents can be such jerks sometimes.

T Boone Pickens left thirty dollars in his will so Mike Gundy could go to Sport Clips.

Gundy said: "IM A MAN, I NEED FOURTY!"

My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again.

I guess the bulb was hot.

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Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks.

Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blended Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.<...

If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U

Cuz you’re blocking the TV

I remember when was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink.

Nowadays they have cameras everywhere

Was asked in an interview if I could perform under pressure.

I said I'm not sure but I can definitely perform "another one bites the dust"

My dad said the other day when I was feeling down, “Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck in an underground hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?

Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.

EDIT: Thanks for the silver, appreciated!
EDIT 2: Wow, thank you, kind stranger, for gold aswell!

A guy could not find his wife at the mall. He approaches the hottest woman he could find.

"Excuse me miss, I can't find my wife. Can I to talk to you?" He asked her.

She said "Sure, but how is that going to help finding your wife?"

I said "Trust me, as soon as we start talking, she will appear out of nowhere".

I went to a museum and I asked if I could take a picture...

The guard was adamant that the pictures stay on the wall.

In the 1990's, you could go into any store with just a dollar and get a soda, a bag of chips, and a candy bar. Now you can't. Why?

Because there's cameras everywhere now

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

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My friend and his girlfriend loved sexting, so I bought him a gift so they could always stay in contact.

In hindsight her funeral probably wasn’t the best time to give him the Ouija Board.

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every after...

If you could choose between living in a world of eternal peace, or in a world where humans live side by side with Pokémon ..

Which starter would you choose ?

As my own boss, I wasn’t sure if I could fire myself, so I decided to test it.

I really let myself go.

I could’ve sworn my dad said I could take any tool I wanted from the shed

But when I got there, he told me to take my pick.

My Grandad, who died in the war, could only be a chef due to his dyslexia.

He went out all buns glazing.

Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him i’m married now..

And that’s where I sleep.

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I once dated a girl with a twin. People kept asking how I could tell them apart.

I said it's easy. Jill (my girlfriend) has purple nails and Alex her twin keeps reposting this crappy joke to reddit.

If I could have a superpower, it would be x-ray vision.

If I have one fault, it's never seeing things through.

A farmer asked if I could help him round up 18 cows.

"Easy" I said.

"20 cows."

Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow.

I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.

My young daughter asked me this morning, “Daddy! What were you and mummy doing in the bedroom last night? I could here a buzzing noise and then mummy started to scream.”

“Nothing darling.” I replied.

It was then I burst out laughing as my wife walked down the stairs with her half-shaved head.

Did you hear about the deer that could not be convinced to go to the tannery?

It kept screaming, "I will not be suede!"

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy 1 carton of milk, and if they avacados, get six.”

A short time later the husband returns with six cartons of milk.
“Why did you buy six cartons of milk?” the wife asks.
He replies, “They had avacados.”

I had to put a bomb inside a bull today. So I guess you could say he’s

__*Abominable..*__

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There was once a scientist who found he could raise his IQ by masterbaiting

It was a stroke of genius

Did you hear about the Irishman who could fly?

It’s Rick O’Shea’s distant cousin.
His name is Rick O’Treboshea.

My girlfriend sounded happy while she was breaking up with me over the phone, but I could barely hear her because of the bad reception.

I guess you could say she was ex-static.

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If Platelets could play music, what instrument would they use?

A Throm-bone!


*I’m sorry, I was in the OR and the Surgical tech said this shitty joke and it’s been stuck in my head all morning. so I just needed to share to find ANYONE who thought it was funny to validate me laughing at it while everyone else in the room stood in silence. *

Yesterday I went to the gym, so I could look like Chris Hemsworth.

This morning I woke up and all my muscles were Thor...

So Tekashi69 could face life in prison

Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence

Yew know I could think of a lot of tree puns....

But youd probably get sycamore.

I went on a diet so I could wear a watch instead of a belt!

Total waist of time.

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My gf asked me if she could snort a line of cocaine on my erect dick,

I got so weirded out by this demand of hers that I had to dickline it.

I wish I could be a fossil.

Only then would someone dig me.

Johnny asked me the other if he could end a sentence with a contraction...

The only thing I responded with was, “I wouldn’t.”

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It could be worse

An angel said to another angel who broke their halo that it could be worse.

A rich man who was divorced from his wife said to himself that it could be worse.

A mom told her son whose xbox broke told him it could be worse.

A poor person who broke their arm said it could be worse....

My wife asked if I could hand her her lipstick, I gave her a glue stick accidentally

She’s still not talking to me

I often wish I could just kill my boss

I'm self-employed

There was a tile mason who was terrible at his job. He couldn't get the right tile to use and if he did he could not lay it the correct way.

He had erect tile dysfunction

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

I picked up a hitch hiker and he asked, “Why did you pick me up, I could be a serial killer.”

I just replied, “The odds of having two serial killers in the same car is astronomical.

Canada could have the best of 3 nations it is influenced by: French cuisine, British culture and American technology!

Instead, Canada got British cuisine, American culture and French technology.

I wish I could drop my body off...

at the gym and pick it up back when its ready.

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas, or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation

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On a sunny day at home last week my girlfriend asked if I could pull the blind. I said “of course...

Just put on a sexy voice and be extra nice to their dogs”

You could say I'm B.R.O.K.E.

B - Bad

R - At

O - Acronyms

K -

E -

Trump said he could murder someone in broad daylight and not lose any supporters.

Sadly, that was the last time he ever told the truth.

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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

You don't need to be good looking to be found attractive. You could be funny, smart, and kind.

So looks like I am striking out on a lot of fronts.

My flirtatious neighbor called me and said that she bought too many zucchinis and ended up making two cheese and zucchini pies. She said I was welcome to come over and take one, and she also had some left over herbs that I could have.

So I went over, and she told she had just finished reading a Cosmo article called "which traffic sign are you?"



"Which traffic sign would your ideal woman be?" she asked me seductively.



I said " Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with I just want your extra t...

My girlfriend wouldn't marry me unless I could spell 'stun' backwards.

Isn't that nuts?

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"I could get some Cheez-Its..."

"Or I could get Starbursts...or beef jerky...

"Or I could get Cheez-Its *and* beef jerky...*or* beef jerky and Starbursts...OR, I could even get Cheez-Its, Starbursts, AND beef jerky..."

-"Dude! What the hell is taking so long?!"

"Just trying to decide what I want from this Venn...

It is said that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare

Today, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true

Twice the number of Irish could spell trouble for most cities

Unless it's Dublin

If Pakistan PM Imran Khan could resolve Kashmir issue with dialogue,

he wouldn't have married three times.

If I could be any super hero, I would be Aluminum Man...

...my super power would be foiling crime.

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I've just got back from the hospital where the nurse asked me " Could you masturbate in the cup?"

I thought, I'm good, but I'm not quite competition standard.

My friend laughed when I told him I could make an instrument sound better with fish.

He didn’t laugh for long when he saw how I could tuna guitar.

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Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy...

...But Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock cuz Jill's real name was Randy.

Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?

It was a superb_owl.

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You could call my sex life a symphony orchestra...

Because I have to Beethoven my room every night

At first I thought I could handle being a police detective with schizophrenia

But now I'm starting to question myself.

My doc told me I could have HIV

I asked him, “Are you positive????”

He said “No, but you might be!”

My dyslexic friend could never score a second date.

He only wanted to 96 in bed.

When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be whatever I want when I grow up.

I asked my mom, "So why did you want to be poor?"

She answered, "Because your dad wanted to be an art teacher."

My dad replied, "And your mom wanted a good grade."

I was walking by the fridge last night and I thought I could hear the spring onions singing a BeeGees song.

Turns out it was just the chives talking.

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Two boys, Nathaniel and Daniel, are captured by a madman. Daniel is sent into a room with a one way window that only Daniel could see through. On the other side, he saw his friend, Nate, with the madman...

Nate looked very frightened but if they've learned anything together during their years of friendship is that they'll always make it out of bad situations.

The madman finishes talking to Nate and walks out of the room, Nate adopting a relieved smile on his face.

Then, the madman walks...

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“Back in the day,” my grandfather would say, “You could go into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and some butter as well....”

"But today, they got cameras everywhere!"

The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.

I said ether/ore.

I asked the anesthesiologist if I could administer my own anesthetic...

He said “go ahead, knock yourself out!”

Trump said global warming was a hoax and he could easily make temperatures "the lowest ever recorded" this summer.

So he switched the US to Celsius.

A woman with a clipboard stopped me in the street today and asked if I could spare 2 minutes to help build a school in Africa.

I said sure, but I don’t think we’ll get much done

A driver flagged me down the other day and said, "I've broken down and could do with a lift"

I told them that their hair looked nice and drove off.

It could've been worse.

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead. "Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.



"Not so good," says Harry.



"Why, what happened?" James queri...

My teacher took my phone after he caught me and said I could reclaim it next class

Needless to say, it wasn’t the best summer vacation

My husband once bought me a dress two sizes too small to encourage me to lose weight so I could fit into it.

When he gave me the dress, he said that he was "looking forward to seeing you in it."

So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.

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I wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me now…

But nooooooo! The mother fucker is still alive.

How much wood, could a wood slug glug, if a wood slug could glug wood?

Just ask your mother

As far as we know, the universe could have an infinite amount of mass.

Just like your mom.

My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.

"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.

She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra.<...

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A wife asks her husband, why they don’t have sex any more? The husband answers, “It could be one of two things. One, either I’m too drunk to have sex with you”

“ or two, I’m not drunk enough. “

I rushed to the hospital when I heard that my cousin could neither walk nor speak.

Apparently all newborns are like that.

It was too bad we could never figure out my grandfather's blood type in time.

He was so optimistic though. He kept telling us to B positive

What did the old man say when the local blacksmiths caught him trying to scare everyone away from town so he could buy up all the property for himself?

I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for you metaling kids.

I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.

Little to no goals.

The weatherman said that it could be dangerous being in the sun today

I don’t know how he thinks I’m going to get there.

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One time during a flight the pilot said over the intercom "I could sure use a cup of coffee and a blowjob"

So then the stewardess goes bombing down the aisle to tell him it's on and I yell "Don't forget the coffee!"

–Good Will Hunting (1997)

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I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.

Then I realised the telly wasn't on.

Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.

Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.

I could get to the second floor using the stairs or I could use a structure consisting of a series of bars or steps between two upright length of wood, metal, or rope.

I chose the ladder.

I asked my amputee daughter if she could guess what we were having for dinner tonight.

She replied with "I don't know dad I'm stumped"

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