This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, “I really need a new fucking boat.”

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I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...

I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.

If God isn't real, how do you explain how an average joe like me could marry a beautiful woman from Prague?

Czech mate, atheists

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.

That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin, not me.

My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer could print a gun.

But I wasn't that impressed, I've had a Canon printer for years.

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server?

That would be Hillaryous.

Edit: My first reddit silver! Thank you kindly!

Edit2: reddit gold?! You all are too good to me!

If you put a picture of yourself in a locket, you could say you are

Independent

My friends told me I could never milk a unicorn

After searching for 30 years, I finally found one, and milked it.

It was Legend Dairy

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse, I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water.

I know he means well.

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She told me if I turned the light off I could put it in her butt.

I guess I should've let the bulb cool first.

My abusive father got drunk to the same song every night. I tried to shut it off before he could get started...

But he beat me to it.

Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet?

But most just have 4

You could say that...

World War 2 ended with a blast.

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What could possibly be making such a seductive sound?

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Hippie sits next to a young Nun on the bus and asks her if he could have sex with her?

The Nun, very upset, says “NO! I am married to God!!" and gets off the bus disgusted.

The bus driver sees all this. He tells the hippie “She prays every Tuesday night at midnight in the graveyard...
why don't you dress up in a hooded robe; go to the graveyard and tell her you are God and d...

A friend from school came to visit my parents farm. He saw their horse and asked if he could go for a ride. The horse had no saddle so I asked, "You going to ride bareback?"

He replied, "I just want to ride, I don't care what the horse's name is."

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The man saw a woman standing sheepishly in the corner, avoiding his gaze. He could tell she had butterflies in her stomach as he walked over to her. He took her by the hand, and led her to the door.

Saying "YOU ARE HEREBY BANNED FROM THE BUTTERFLY EXHIBIT YOU SICK FUCK!"

I wish I could be ugly for one day.

I hate being ugly everyday.

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

My grandma was known all over town for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so that everyone could visit her and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish.

She’s dead and berried.

My friend asked me "if you could have any super power in the world, what would it be?"

I said "Cold War Russia."

In the courtroom, Jesus found a man that could not walk, Jesus asked...

“Have you been involved in an accident that wasn’t your fault?”

Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their locat...

Bob told me he could never kill an animal.

He's more of a people person.

Saw a sketchy looking man outside Walmart begging for money so he could buy the new life size Wonder Woman doll.

I swear, these heroine addicts looking worse every year.

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My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"

I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is fucking annoying sometimes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “Wha...

My friend told me his dog could retrieve a stick from 5 miles away..

I don't know. I guess it seems a little far fetched to me.

After our house burned down, the cops told us that it could be someone we know.

I asked my wife, “Could it be arson?”

My wife asked me the other day in bed "if you could have a threesome with me and anyone living or dead, who would it be?" And I said

"Anyone living."

I could tell you a joke I heard from my watch...

But that would be second-hand information.

I started watching football (soccer) because I could see it’s very relevant to my life...

Little to no goals.

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I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart

It was simple.

Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a cock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could taste Jill's candy.

Jack got a shock with a mouth full of cock because Jill's real name was Randy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a prostitute and asked her if I could do her Greek style.

"Sure" she said.

So I fucked her in the ass and left without paying.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”

The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding ...

Asked my wife if I could run my finger through her hair

She nodded and said she would like that.

I started brushing across her top lip,

And that's when the fight started....

During his years at college in the 70s Former Vice President Al Gore was introduced to the disco scene. Spending every spare evening he could frequenting the Discos across town and Dancing out late all night. His dancing passion eventually earned him a nickname, they called him........

Al-Gore-Rhythm

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

We had a lady back at our office who could use two typewriters at once, one with each hand. Most of us just thought she'd be writing the same thing on both machines all the time.

Turns out it was just Stereo-Typing

I asked my friend to name two places where you could store water

"Well, damn."

Hillary Clinton could've been the first f president.

Sorry, I meant to write female but the emale got deleted.

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This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

Son - Dad, could you tell me what a solar eclipse is?

No sun

My mom asked me if I could come to the telephone.

I guess, “Maybe if it were set to vibrate.” was the wrong answer.

I asked my boss if I could leave half an hour early today. He said “only if you make up the time”

I said “okay. It’s quarter past a million”

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy. Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home. Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders.

He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines. After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer ...

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I could tell you that my constipation doesn’t bother me

But I’d be full of shit

My friend used to boast about how much super glue he could eat

He now keeps his mouth shut

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to.

I was keeping the umbrella.

I could not resist buying a skunk today at our local pet store.

It just made so much scents to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again.

I guess the bulb was hot.

After a bad cut, I asked the ER nurse if I could do my own stitches.

She said, “Suture self.”

It's said that Jesus could walk on water...

Thats nothing! Stephen Hawking ran on batteries

If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?

Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.

EDIT: Thanks for the silver, appreciated!
EDIT 2: Wow, thank you, kind stranger, for gold aswell!

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: How much juice could a Beetlejuice juice if a Beetlejuice could juice beetles?

A: A Beetlejuice would j... ohhh shit

My wife didn’t think I could name our daughter anything ridiculous

But I called her Bluff

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

My dad claimed he could jump higher than a 7 foot fence.

Of course he was right though, Fences can't jump at all!

Only the true king could pull the sword from the stone... no one else could... they didn’t have...

Arthurization

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I really wish i could learn how to juggle like the carnival guys

But i don’t have the balls to do it

Was asked in an interview if I could perform under pressure.

I said I'm not sure but I can definitely perform "another one bites the dust"

I once had a gold fish that could break dance on the carpet

But only once and only for twenty seconds

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, ...

So a boy was born, and he was just a head. But his parents took this difficulty in their stride and raised him as well as they could. On the boy's 18th birthday, his father takes him down the pub for his first pint.

He takes the first sip, and out pops his body. Surprised, he takes a second sip, and out pop his arms. The whole pub is cheering him on now. His father has tears of joy streaming down his face. So the boy takes his final sip, and out pop his legs. The boy is so happy that he immediately jumps up ...

A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didn't speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on. One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady.

He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her "my darling." But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years. At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years. Finally, as the ninth year of silence ende...

What's green, fuzzy and could kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A pool table.

I bet my friend I could build a car out of spaghetti

You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta

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I asked a little person walking to a moving van carrying a flatscreen and asked him if I could help him with his tv.

He said "fuck you man, this is my ipad!" What a jerk.

So Tekashi69 could face life in prison

Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence

I got a new girlfriend. She is everything i could imagine...

Well...she is imaginary

In the past I could get into a store with a penny and came out with 2 coke cans, 1 bag of chips and some mints, but not anymore...

...the store put cameras today.

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

Did you hear about the hen who could count her own eggs?

She was a mathemachicken.

They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility

If only they could see me now!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried as hard as I could to get my wife to have sex with me. She just rolled over and went to sleep. At least I know I gave it my best effort . . .

Before hand

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop...

to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. H...

While sports fishing off the Florida coast in Key West, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber walking on the shore, the tourist shouted,

“There wouldn’t by chance be any
alligators in these waters?!”“No,” the old man hollered back, “haven’t been any for years!” Feeling relieved, the tourist
started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway toward shore he asked the old man,
“Say, how’d you get rid of the gators, any...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to visit my old hometown the other day and found the house I grew up in. I knocked on the door and asked the owners if I could have a look around. They said "NO!" and closed the door in my face.

My parents can be such jerks sometimes.

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every after...

My friend was asking for Halloween costume ideas, and I told him he could pull off a good Two-Face.

He said, "Really?"

I said, "Yeah, you just have to make one half look good!"

Make no mistake, Ellen DeGeneres could never take down Dwayne Johnson...

The Rock always beats scissors.

What could have been the best name for diarrhea medicine?

Gonorrhea (Gone-o-rrhea)

A guy could not find his wife at the mall. He approaches the hottest woman he could find.

"Excuse me miss, I can't find my wife. Can I to talk to you?" He asked her.

She said "Sure, but how is that going to help finding your wife?"

I said "Trust me, as soon as we start talking, she will appear out of nowhere".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hear about the Buddhist monk who could shit nickles?

Because change comes from within...

Until today, I could never understand how my parents entertained themselves in their days, before smartphones were a thing

I asked my 72 other siblings and they haven’t got a clue either.

Feeling hopeless, I finally asked my parents and they said they played lots of sports. For some reason, I think they’re lying...

If Greta Thunberg could rearrange letters in her name

That would be great

I could lose weight...

But I hate losing.

What is the funniest way you could end the greatest joke in United States history?

Impeachment

Today a girl kissed me

I wish I could post it in another subreddit

Forgetting to check your pockets for money before washing clothes could land you in some trouble.

Laundering money is illegal.

Despite all the dirt, I finally could grab a good photo of that metal milling facility

It was a stainless still!

TIL Bigfoot could be used for supressing sarcasm.

He was a sass quash.

If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U

Cuz you’re blocking the TV

A lady found that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover, and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
<...

Mom, I'm dating a man.

\-Whom, sweetheart?

\-Dante the mailman.

\-Dante the mailman? But he could be your father!

\-But mom, age is just a number.

\-Sweetheart, I don't think you understood.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

I called a suicide hotline in Afghanistan

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

With the crisis in Northern California one could argue PG&E is utilizing its talents.

They are pulling a total power move.

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, would you do it?

i wouldn't, why the frick would anyone ever kick himself in the nuts?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Inn by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

Imagine all the things we could do if we didn't have to sleep

I could do so much with those extra 2 hours a day.

I started dancing so that I could sleep with women...

But my signature move was always a beat off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks.

Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blended Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.<...

My nose is itching, could you please scratch it

>!Ahh... feels good, thanks for the scratch!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.


The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."


This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She imme...

Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow.

I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding...

John: "Is there a problem officer?"

Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?"

John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here i...

Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him i’m married now..

And that’s where I sleep.

My Grandad, who died in the war, could only be a chef due to his dyslexia.

He went out all buns glazing.

Back in my day I could go to the store with one dollar and come back with a soda and two bags of chips.

But nowadays they have cameras.

As my own boss, I wasn’t sure if I could fire myself, so I decided to test it.

I really let myself go.

“Dad..I have an imaginary girlfriend.”

His dad says,” you know..you could do better, right?”

“Thanks dad. That means a lot.”

“I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to your girlfriend.”

I heard that my sister is dating the teacher. I could hear them making out in the closet yesterday

Homeschooling is weird

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"


Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

...

Assistant to the President: Sir, there's a crisis - somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar's Up left in existence.

President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me.

Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir ...

President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved!

Assistant to the Pres...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a girl with a twin. People kept asking how I could tell them apart.

I said it's easy. Jill (my girlfriend) has purple nails and Alex her twin keeps reposting this crappy joke to reddit.

If I could go out with anyone ever, dead or alive

I'd choose dead.

When I was a kid, I really wanted a dog. My dad told me if I prayed hard enough then miracles could happen. So I prayed all year, and then on Christmas a miracle happened!

Dad went blind! I finally got my dog

I remember when was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink.

Nowadays they have cameras everywhere

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Carl came home rather drunk.

He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Carl.”

Carl was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St. Peter said, “Hmm, perh...

I picked up a hitch hiker and he asked, “Why did you pick me up, I could be a serial killer.”

I just replied, “The odds of having two serial killers in the same car is astronomical.

I went to a museum and I asked if I could take a picture...

The guard was adamant that the pictures stay on the wall.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Headache & testicles

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor says, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require removing your testicles.

You have a very rare condition...

Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas, or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation

Long Joke

Ever since he was a little kid, Bob always had one goal in life: to become a train conductor. Finally when he grew up, he achieved his goal and became the conductor of the Happytown train. He was so excited to conduct the train that he decided to see how fast he can go. He went faster and faster unt...

Yesterday morning I called my neighbour to ask if he and his wife could enjoy each other a little more quiet.

He told me he wasn't home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Platelets could play music, what instrument would they use?

A Throm-bone!


*I’m sorry, I was in the OR and the Surgical tech said this shitty joke and it’s been stuck in my head all morning. so I just needed to share to find ANYONE who thought it was funny to validate me laughing at it while everyone else in the room stood in silence. *

In the 1990's, you could go into any store with just a dollar and get a soda, a bag of chips, and a candy bar. Now you can't. Why?

Because there's cameras everywhere now

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy 1 carton of milk, and if they avacados, get six.”

A short time later the husband returns with six cartons of milk.
“Why did you buy six cartons of milk?” the wife asks.
He replies, “They had avacados.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend and his girlfriend loved sexting, so I bought him a gift so they could always stay in contact.

In hindsight her funeral probably wasn’t the best time to give him the Ouija Board.

I wish I could be a fossil.

Only then would someone dig me.

My wife asked if I could hand her her lipstick, I gave her a glue stick accidentally

She’s still not talking to me

If you could choose between living in a world of eternal peace, or in a world where humans live side by side with Pokémon ..

Which starter would you choose ?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a scientist who found he could raise his IQ by masterbaiting

It was a stroke of genius

You could say I'm B.R.O.K.E.

B - Bad

R - At

O - Acronyms

K -

E -

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