I saw a documentary about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage

But I think this sub's doing even better!

Two Rabbis are walking past a church

They see a sign out front that says:

Convert to Christianity and we'll give you $100

They look at each other and the first Rabbi says "I'm going for it man"
About an hour goes by and he comes back outside. And the second Rabbi says
"Well what happened, did you get the money?"...

Descartes walks into a bar...

The bartender asks, "would you like a beer sir?"

Descartes replies, "I think not.", and ceases to exist.

I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of time

You see, it used to get cold outside

My grandmother died recently.

We had her cremated.

I think that’s what killed her.

A teacher and a student

A teacher asked Billy: If there are 5 birds on a post and you shoot 1, how many are there left Billy?

Billy: None. The rest would fly away.

Teacher: The real answer is 4 but i like the way you think.

Billy: I have a question for you ma'am. If there are 3 women eating ice cream, ...

How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks?

With great power comes great response ability.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette...

...are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenc...

One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him...

The teacher said to his class one day, "Please stand up, anyone who thinks they're stupid."

Nobody stood up so the teacher said, "I'm sure there are some stupid students in this class!"

At this point Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Oh Johnny! So you think you're stupid then?"

Little Johnny replied, "No, I just felt bad that you were standing up on your own."

How do you think the unthinkable?

Thteer it thtraight into an itheberg.

People think my diabetes jokes are harsh.

But it’s not like I can sugarcoat it.

What do Mexicans think about Trump’s border wall?

They’ll get over it.

There is a reason Donald Trump thinks he is the Second Coming.

Every time he says something he hears "Jesus Christ..."

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If a girl is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:

A. She is a prude and you have no future together.

B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness.

C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?

I think it's funny when dogs hide under the bed when they're scared.

I'm like "You idiot, that's the first place monsters go!"

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."
Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said,...

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Patient: I get scared every time I think of big animals.

Therapist: We have pills for that, but bear in mind--

Patient: AAUUGGHH!!

I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

I think it's really shameful how people criticize Lance Armstrong for taking drugs, the man won 7 Tour De France's on them.

When I'm on drugs, I can't even *find* my bike.

Don't you think eating clocks is

Time consuming

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think my priest might be gay

He keeps saying “ah, men” at the end of every prayer

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

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I am trying to think of a joke about having a boner

it is really hard.

MY SPANISH FRIENDS THINK IM COOL

I moved into a Spanish neighborhood and immediately hit it off with them. They think im so cool they nicknamed me coolo

I think this girl in my class is interested in me. She just winked at me...

With both eyes...

*at the same time.*

80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling... ...."I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and...

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I'm writing a book, but I think it's gay.

It's coming out soon.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The bar keep says "you're in here pretty often, do you think you're an alcoholic?"

The horse replies "no I don't think I am" and vanishes out of existence.
See the joke is about Descartes' famous quip "I think therefore I am" but to explain that at the beginning of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up. “I have an idea!” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey and a bible on the coffee table...

“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino and if he takes the bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffe...

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BMW thinks of everything

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says ...

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes.

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

I finally stopped caring what other people think!

I hope everyone is ok with that?

If you think riding a bull was hard...

Next time you have your girl bent over in bed, lean over and whisper in her ear, “Your sister is a better lover than you.” Grab on tight and see how long you can hold on.

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A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is, "Hell," said the devil "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

"What!!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"

"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realise - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."

Unconvi...

A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her daughter walks in. The daughter asks, “Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?”

Her mother replies, “I’ll show you”, and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the daughter says, “Someone’s at the door!”.

The mother laughs. “This is why people think we’re stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door.”

I’m in my 40s, but I think I can finally afford to retire

Should I go with Firestone or Michelins?

"I really don't think you have a case, sir," said the detective as my wife washed her hair and cried from the bathroom.

"How can you say that?!" I demanded. "That hairstylist is a monster!"

"Look, sir, I can't just go around arresting every barber that gives a bad haircut." He glanced at his notes. "Even if he made her 'look like Captain Kirk.'"

"I never said he made her look like Captain Kirk!" I barke...

I think the death penalty is a good idea...

If executed properly.

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Everyone in my sewing class thinks I’m the worst they have ever seen.

Shit, wrong thread.

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My friend thinks I can set the masturbation world record.

Honestly, I don't think I can pull it off.

I think the pigeons are planning an uprising.

They keep saying coup, coup, coup.

I think I can say, and say with pride,

that we have some legislatures that bring higher prices than any in the world!

Mark Twain

I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.

It's spine

There's this guy who's been staying in one spot at the park for days without sitting or laying. People are calling him super amazing. I personally just think..

he's out standing.

North Koreans think they are living in the best country in the world because they are brainwashed into thinking so.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

"I think Karen has dyslexia."

"Why do you say that?"

"We put a nativity scene in town square, and she demanded to see the manger."

I think I need glasses

I was at the store picking out a desk calendar for next year but I couldn't make out a thing printed on them. I guess I don't have 20/20 vision

I don't think Kurt Cobain had any second thoughts regarding his suicide

It was a no-brainer to him.

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

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My German girlfriend must think Im really hot

She keeps yelling "Nine Nine Nine!" when we have sex.

If you can think of a better fish pun..

let minnow.

A man walks into McDonalds

The cashier says, “Hello sir! May I take your order? By the way sir, we don’t have any-”

The man interrupts, “Yes, can I get a, uh, Big Mac with large fries?”

“Sir, we don’t have any fries, would you like-“

“Oh, then can I get some small fries?”

The cashier sighs and roll...

When I'm at a bar

I always look for a girl who has a tattoo. I see a tattoo, and I think, here’s a girl who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.

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Up the mountain, a japanese asked the wise man: "Master Akira, why every western man thinks that we, japanese, all look alike?"

"I am not Master Akira."

Im 45 years old and I just bought my very first sports car. My girlfriend thinks I’m going through a midlife crisis.

But what would she know? She’s only 18.

My friends think that I’m addicted to brake fluid.

But I can stop anytime I want.

I think JFK was the most open minded president.

His ideas weren't very bulletproof though.

Asians are so bad at driving..

That I think Pearl Harbor was an accident

My roommates always say they think our house is haunted.

But I've lived here for 600 years and everything seems fine to me.

There’s a nudist convention on in town tonight, I think I might go

I’ve got nothing on

I think it’s a good idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.

But that’s just my two scents.

Kosovo has the cleanest capital city in the world. Whichever capital city you think of

Kosovo’s is Pristina.

I think the guys in the shift before me hate me.

They leave every time I come to work.

I first heard this one different (read racist) but I think I fixed it

A family of a well known rapper are sitting at the table. Mom, dad and a small child in a high chair.
Suddenly, the child focuses a lot and with effort says: "Mother."

"Look!" exclaims the rapper. "He can say half a word!"

My roommate thinks our house is haunted. Nonsense.

I've lived here for 219 years and never noticed anything strange.

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It’s a long joke but I think it’s worth it.

A bear is chasing a rabbit in the woods. Suddenly a magic owl appears and says to them: “Stop the hunt! I am a magic owl and I give each of you 3 wishes. Who begins?”
The bear directly says: “Me! I wish that every bear in this forest becomes a female.” *and his wish came true*
The rabbit wishe...

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I think Rorschach was my least favorite character in Watchmen.

I mean, why would I want to watch a guy with pictures of my uncle's penis all over his face?

Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won't think twice...

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

I think it’s getting more and more dangerous to drive even though cars are getting smarter.

Seems like every time I look up from my phone someone is trying to run into me.

Son; "Dad, which do you think is America's worst problem: ignorance or apathy?"

Dad; "Don't know. Don't really care, either."

When Andrew Waugh was surveying Mt Everest in 1856 he came up with a height of exactly 29,000 ft. Fearing people would think that was just an imprecise estimation he reported it as 29,002 ft.

Because of this, some say he was the first to place two feet on the summit of Everest.

Yew know I could think of a lot of tree puns....

But youd probably get sycamore.

I think my dad might be the avatar...

He vanished when I needed him most.

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

I think Greta Thunberg is alright

...but dyslexics think she’s Great

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I think I'd do well in the porn industry

I'm an incredibly hard worker

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My girlfriend doesn’t think I can break the masturbating world record

I think I could pull it off

I think it's nice to keep in contact with my xs'.

That way they'll never regret breaking up.

I was going to make a joke about my spine, but I think it was a repost. Did anyone see it here earlier?

It was about a weak back.

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A traveling salesman knocks on a door

A 10 year old kid answers holding a scotch and a cigar.
The salesman asks,

"are your parents home?"

the kid answers:

"what the fuck do you think?"

I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore.

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

Trump ran on wanting to build a wall. And I think that’s his one good idea, because walls work. It’s irrefutable.

I was in China last year. I didn’t see one Mexican.



\- Jimmy Carr

A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing...

"My mom is gonna kill me."

I think Ryan Gosling is mature enough now...

for us to call him Ryan Goose.

If you're having a hard day but you've got some new plants, think about them.

They're rooting for you.

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

I think we should only kill things if we are going to eat them

which makes my stance on abortion not kosher at all

My friends think that I'm the father of my girlfriend's baby

But I told them that's just a missed conception

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Everybody is talking about how bad white people are now, but I think they should be praised for a super important thing.

A white man killed Hitler.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men think about sex every 7 seconds...

Which is why I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds... So it doesn't get weird.

I think my waitress is hungry

She keeps asking how my food is.

You'd think a snail would be quicker without a shell

But i disagree, it would just be a little more sluggish

Don't think of this as the hottest summer of the last 125 years.

Think of it as the coolest summer of the next 125 years.

I think my wife is starting to get depressed with all this rain we’re getting. Everyday, I see her at the window with a sad look on her face.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her back inside.

Think Santa’s moving to Seattle this year

Been seeing a lot of rein deer

What type of cars do Missionaries think Native Americans drive?

Convertibles

Guys I think I have a superpower

I'm invisible to girls

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guys, I think I'm cursed.

Everything I eat... it all turns into *shit*.

Uh-oh. I think the object of my desires suspects something.

She's just changed her wifi name to HeyYouInTheTreeIveCalledThePolice.

I think the hospital accidentally switched our kids at birth!

They're identical twins, so it's hard to be sure.

You think they'd be grateful at the blood donor clinic.

Not harass me with stupid questions like, "Where did this blood come from."

" hey dad, I wanna date the girl next door what do you think?" Said the son, "no you can't!, don't tell this to your mom but, that girl is your sister" replied the father

Son: "What about the girl across the street".
Dad:"unfortunately son, that is also your sister".
Son: "how about the girl that works in the bakery down street".
Dad: " I'm really sorry son but, she's also your sister".

So the son gets frustrated and, goes to his mom to complain about...

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Everyone thinks that unicorns never existed but it turns out they actually just went extinct

Ironically they weren't horny enough

Think of 43

Just take a minute and think of the number 43.

It is not divisible by any smaller number, except 1.

It is a prime number!

Isn't that nice?

Thank you for your undivided attention.

Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, 'what would Jesus do?'

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

An original joke walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Welcome to /r/Jokes! I don't think I've seen you here before."

Original joke replies, "Don't worry. Within a week or two, I'll be a regular here!"

If you think it's bad that Europeans drive on the other side of the road....

consider that Australians have to drive upside down...

An old man thinks his wife is losing her hearing.

So he decides to test her. One night while she's cooking on the stove, he stands behind her at the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" No answer. He walks a few feet closer and asked again. "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no answer. He slowly shakes his head, puts his arms on her shoulders ...

I think my girlfriend has had 61 boyfriends before me...

She keeps calling me the 62nd man when we're in bed together

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in 10 minutes - meet me in the car park".

I’ve spent the past few days pretending to be a Shetland pony, but I think I’m losing my voice.

I’m currently a little horse.

Why do Mormons think Christ’s second coming will be in America?

Because they think he will end their Missouri.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?"

The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."

I think I've found the local drug dealer.

He's always standing around with these big sunglasses on.

I just feel sorry that his dog always has to witness that life too.

Think you know everything about the letter t?

That's just the half of it.

GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a Detective. I think we should split up.

Me:

Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.

I started dating a homeless girl a few weeks ago and I think things are getting serious.

She’s asked me to move out with her.

I think my local bakers gone mad

Apparently he frequents the homeless shelter and is trying to make a dough-nation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Adolf Hitler and my wife have the same birthday. It's crazy to think that such a loathsome figure, who ruined the lives of so many people...

Shares the same birthday as Adolf Hitler.

The doctors think I might have cancer, and have scheduled a colonoscopy for tomorrow afternoon.

They said they wanted to have a look and see if they could get to the bottom of it.

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