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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his...

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A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it."

That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

I really think OSHA should make an OnlyFans account

They're some of the leading experts in NSFW content after all

I call my wife Bambi, she thinks it's because she is cute with big brown eyes.

But in reality I just hope someone shoots her mother with a hunting rifle.

I think my cats are communists

They expect free food and keep talking about Mao.

You'd think that without their shells snails would be a lot faster.

But it only makes them more sluggish.

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A married couple is sitting at the kitchen table The woman asks her husband: "Tell me, what did you think when you first saw me?"

The man replies: "I thought - damn, I would like to suck her tits dry and fuck her brains out."
The woman blushes and asks: "What do you think now?"
The man says: "I think, I did a pretty good job with that."

I’d love to post a joke like the ones I see trending every day and I think I could do it.

If I can only find an old enough joke book..

"Doctor, I think I'm going deaf."

Doctor said, "Describe the symptoms."


\- "Well, Homer is bald, Marge has blue hair..."

My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis."

I replied, "That's 15 love."

I’m thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

After much consideration, I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I don't think I'm strong enough

So today I put in my too-weak notice

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared...

My brother thinks I don't give him enough privacy.

That's what he wrote about me in his diary.

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A limbless woman crying on the beach.

A limbless woman is sitting on the beach crying as a man approaches her.

“What’s wrong?” He asks.

“I’ve never been hugged before...” she responds.

The man hugs her and she stops crying for a second. Then the man walks away and the woman continues crying.

A little whil...

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If you think that your computer, laptop and phone spying on you is scary then think again,

Because your vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years

Anyone who thinks onions are the only vegetable that makes you cry

has never been hit in the face with a turnip.

Fred came home from University in tears. "Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred has ...

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
...

I'm thinking of buying some Velcro strips for my sneakers, and getting rid of the laces.

I mean, why knot?

My friend thinks he is smart...

He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

What do you call a bone who thinks he is god?

A blasfemur!

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You know, everyone says defund the police… but I don’t think that’s necessary…

They haven’t put an album out in years!

I think we need to pay the band more...

Why do you say that?

Because I saw them outside all having to share the same cigarette!

I told my wife that I think all our electrical items are spying on us.

“Nonsense” she said.

I laughed. She laughed. Siri laughed. Alexa laughed. The toaster laughed.

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"

Nobody stands up

Teacher: "I'm sure there are some stupid students over here!!"

Little John stands up

Teacher: "Ohh, John you think you're stupid?"

Little John: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

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The Italian math challenge

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'...

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After 10years a wife started to think their child looks kinda strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child is not theirs, she told her husband what she found out.

The husband replied, you don't remember do you? When we were leaving the hospital the baby pooped and you told me to go and change him so I went inside got a clean one and left the dirty one there.

Kim Jong-Un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of...

You think you're a 10?

Maybe of the Ph scale, because OH−, girl you are BASIC.

Dad I was thinking

Ahhh!!! So that's whats burning.

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

I think my pet goldfish has epilepsy.

He’s ok swimming around but take him out to play he has a fit.

I’m thinking of writing a mystery novel.

Or am I?

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I Think My Toilet Has Anger Issues

Whenever I flush it, it completely loses its shit.

Was just thinking that if I shaved and shined my scalp and stood out in the sun, I could blind passersby or start a fire.

Just some random reflections off the top of my head.

The ad in the paper said, "You think you're funny? Tell us your best pun, and you'll win a $200 Amazon gift card!"

Well, I just couldn't resist. I sat down and wrote not one, but 10 of my best knee-slappers, rib-ticklers, and witty turns-of-phrase. I sent my list of comedy gold to the paper, and then began daydreaming about what I would do with $200.

The day on which the paper announced the contest winner...

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When I was a teen, i'd have sex with all types of food. Pies, watermelons, bananas.... come to think of it, fruit were the best for sex.

Except lemons. Never touched those. Didn't wanna get lemonaids.

I think it was a mistake to go to that "swingers in the dark" party last night...

...I don't know what came over me.

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

Do you think the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying . . .

"If you build it, they will come."

A man goes to his veterinarian and complains, "I think my goldfish is having seizures."

"He seems fine now," the doctor replies. "Yeah," the man says, "but just wait until I take him out of the bowl."

If you think Friday is a sad day, I’ve got some bad news for you.

Tomorrow is Sadder Day.

I think I might have a memory problem.

I think I might have a memory problem.

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A sales guy rings the doorbell on a house, and the door is opened by a 12 year old, holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar

The sales guy is a bit stunned, but plows forward and asks, "Is your dad home?"

The kid replies, "What the fuck do you think?"

A Quickie...

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order:

"What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her...

I was thinking of getting a job at the U.S. Mint

Can you imagine the amount of money I would make?

If you ever think your job is pointless...

... think about the guy mounting turn signals on BMWs

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer.

I saw it through my telescope last night.

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“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
...

I don't get why people think "War and Peace" is a tough read.

It's only 3 words.

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A chimpanzee says to another "I think I prefer to walk on just two legs"

The other chimp looks at him funny in response.

The first chimp quickly adds, "No homo!"

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I think gays are pretty much all smart people.

They're a homo genius group.

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A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She screams, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Bulgarian men gasps...

"Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry!!"

The waitress makes a stroking motion and replies, "So what does whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant have to do with anything!!??"

One of the other businessmen sputters, "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

A few years ago I had a proud (step)dad moment I think this sub will like..

This was right after picking her up from preschool. She was usually a bit grumpy and I always tried to be fun and keep the drive home more upbeat.

 

Her: "I'm hungry."

Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."

Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"

...

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

You’d think the Catholic Church would be more supportive of condom use...

Less DNA evidence.

The studio is thinking of producing a remake for Green Lantern

They are waiting for the green light

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

I don't think women should be allowed to have kids after 40

40 kids is way too much by any standard!

Do you think Quentin Tarantino likes the taste of victory?

Or does he prefer defeat?

My girlfriend has just told me, she thinks we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.

I told her, "I think you mean fewer".

Melinda Gates: "Bill, I think our relationship is not going to work anymore..."

Bill: "Why don't we try to divorce and marry again?"

Whenever I see someone flash that “white power” hand sign, I think to myself…

that’s not okay!

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A pregnant woman was shot 3 times in the stomach.

She survived, luckily enough, and so were her unborn children. Triplets, she found out soon enough. Two girls and a boy.

They were born with absolutely no problems, healthy babies and unaffected by the trauma.

Fast forward 13 years, she's sitting in her kitchen, enjoying a cup of coff...

I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

When I was a kid I used to think I was The Messiah.

Every time my dad said something, it started with "Jesus Christ!".

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My grandpa told me, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

An original joke walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Welcome to /r/Jokes! I don't think I've seen you here before." Original joke replies...

"Don't worry. Within a week or two, I'll be a regular here!"

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Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car...

Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a

car...



... And they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heise...

Two atoms are talking and one says "I think I lost an electron."

The other atom says "Are you sure?" The first atom replys "Yes, I'm positive!"

“I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime, son.”

Son: “Was it something I said?”

Me: “Yes.”

Darling, I think the new dryer is shrinking my clothes.”

“No, sweetie, that was the fridge.”

If any of you on this sub are thinking of getting married soon, consider this carefully before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a really cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

I was trying to think of past Republicans similar to Marjorie Taylor Greene

But they just Palin comparison.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,...

A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, no...

You'd think that walking around an entire island would make me lose weight.

But no, it's in my kitchen.

I usually sit on a computer 12 hours a day now… I think its bad for my health

I should sit on a chair.

I think I'm addicted to water

I feel like I'll die if I don't have it

I'm thinking about starting a dating service in Prague

I shall call it "Czech-Mate"

A man dies and is waiting to be transported to heaven

He asks Death about what happens next. Death replies "YOU WERE A GOOD MAN ON EARTH , YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN , WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY ETERNAL YOUTH , YOU CAN DO BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT , ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES ". The man thinks to himself, "that's wonderful", and settles down for the journey....

I think something went wrong during my laser eye surgery.

I can see just fine, but I can't figure out how to shoot the lasers

I think I know why JFK was a favorite president to many...

He was very open minded.

Just wondering, do you think it's alright for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in school ?

Or am I just a terrible Teacher ?

I think birthdays should celebrate the mother

Because really what did the kid do?

A man who thinks he's a piece of luggage has been admitted to a mental hospital.

Psychiatrists say he's the strangest case they've ever come across.

I think my wife has been putting superglue on my water gun collection.

She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.

I think my English teacher is a dinosaur

Because he said he is a walking thesaurus

I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus and all I could think to myself was, “Don’t get an erection, don’t get an erection”…

But she did.

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A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane.

He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressma...

I think I just got fired from my new job.

I thought I'd make a great lumberjack, but the boss just gave me the axe.

How much money do you think an ATM have inside it?

80M because it's 80M

Burglars are getting more clever, my wife woke me up in the middle of the night "I think there is somebody downstairs" she said. So I got up and went downstairs and checked ever room..

Then I realized I wasn't married....

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"I can't think until after I ejaculate,"

I came to realize.





*edit:* thank you for the awards! My mom's going to be so proud I got my first ones on a pun about post-nut clarity!

Did you hear about the two drug users who injected curry powder thinking it was heroin?

One got a dodgy Tikka and the others in a Korma.

A teacher asked a student "If there are four birds sitting next to each other on a tree, and you shoot one, how many do you have left?"

The student replies "None." Curious, the teacher asks the student about his answer, and he explains that if you shoot one bird, it startles the other birds into flying away, so you're left with none.

The teacher replies "Not what I was looking for, but I like your answer."

The student ...

A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they'll grant 3 requests before they scalp him

The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free."

So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset.
<...

Sometimes I like to think back to when my dad used to put me in tires and roll me down the hill

...those were the Goodyears.

It's my special day today but I can't think of any good jokes...

It's a shame, I thought it would be a piece of cake.

I’m an Anti-vax and I don’t care what you think.

They are absolutely the worst brand of vacuum cleaner. Dyson all the way for me!

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I accidentally took my grandpas viagra thinking it was my anti depressant medication

It’s gunna be a hard day...

I don’t think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds

Because every time I take them she goes away

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I think my friend Steve is gay, but I’m not sure...

I’m so bad with names.

My 4-year-old nephew has been learning Spanish since lockdown.

He still can't say the word for "please" though, which I think is poor for four

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I'm thinking of tattooing an X on each butt cheek.

That way I can have hot cross buns year round.

I'm thinking about getting into drag racing...

It looks pretty straight forward.

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Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it...

4 former US Presidents are caught in a tornado

Four former U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ.

After trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter...

I think my cat might be a communist

He won't shut up about Mao.

I think my wife might be a segregationist.

She gets REALLY mad when I mix the whites and colors together.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The barten...

Many people don't think I'm very smart...

but I'll have you know that I almost got a perfect score on the IQ test. I almost made 100!

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I finally persuaded my frigid wife to make a sex-tape last month, and now she thinks we could make a living as porn stars.

Although so far, we've had no pre-orders for Disinterested Blowjobs 2.

You would think that I would eventually learn

That not everyone is grateful when you try to help them. I was driving the other day and saw an old guy trying to cross the road. I pulled over, turned on my blinkers and went to assist the fellow. This guy turned around, and came after me, and tried to bite me. Snapping turtles are a hell of a lot ...

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

I was thinking about how a persons conciousness forms and what happens to it when you die...

Where did you come from, where did you go, where did you come from consciousness Joe?

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Don't know if its more of a joke than an insult but I think it can be both

Your mother must be an asshole

Cause you're a piece of shit

Do you think Jeff Bezos sleeps naked?

...or with pajamazon?

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg!

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.

After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I ...

"I think solitary confinement is a luxury," said my friend, "don't you?"

"You're on your own there," I replied.

I was sitting in a Chinese restaurant, thinking about how duckling means little duck.

So, I canceled my order of dumplings.

I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29,

my humor suggests I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.

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I think the wife's doing salad for tea tonight.

Either that, or the smoke alarm's fucked.

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks

It cost me an arm and a leg!

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, th...

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Just after my girlfriend had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the parking lot."

[Rant] I think it's stupid my friend is having a meltdown over missing a puzzle piece for his 10K puzzle

If he thinks that's bad, I'm missing 9999 pieces.

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There are days when I truly think I've gotten over my porn addiction

......then I remember my favourite Michael Jackson song is 'Beat It'

I'm thinking of putting my vacuum cleaner on Ebay.

It was just collecting dust anyway.

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

I think Pfizer got their drugs mixed up...

I got the Covid vaccine, but now when I cough I get an erectipn.

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My wife's sister pulled into the driveway in a brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her how she could afford it.

"You know, a blowjob every now and then makes my husband *very* generous", she replied.

My wife turned to me. "I think I'll start doing that", she said with a wink.

"Me too", I replied, turning to my ...

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...

Everyone thinks the capital city of Australia is Sydney.

It’s actually Vienna.

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Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

I'm thinking of opening a racist-themed bakery...

...and I'm planning of naming it the " Cake Cake Cake".

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If you think your life’s a mess, take some anti-diarrhea drug

So you can your shit together

A man asks his wife “how many truly great men do you think there are in the world?”

She replies:

I don’t know, but I can tell you this: there is one fewer than you think.

If you think Lab Grown Meat sounds bad, ...

You should try Pit-bull Grown Meat.

(Mine had sticks and cat-litter in it.)

I think everyone is wrong about President Bolsonaro of Brazil. The man's obviously a deeply committed environmentalist...

After all, wiping out a sizable part of your population is a great way to save the rain forests.

I donate 1 kidney to a hospital and everyone thinks I am a hero



I donate 10 kidneys and everyone thinks I am a monster

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a restaurant, and Sylvester Stallone is like: "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says: "Don't you have any ideas?"

"Yeah, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers"

That's when Arnold trows himself in the conversation and says: "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can ...

Seriously, I think the only difference between us is that you're an adult.

I kid you not.

I was griling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices made my mouth water.... Got me thinking....

Do vegetarians have the same effect when mowing a lawn ?

So these three clowns were eating a cannibal.

One of them said "I think we started this joke wrong."

A man at work calls his house to check on his wife

A little girl picks up the phone.

"Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?"

"I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Steve.""But you don't have an Uncle Steve."

"Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."

Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice cal...

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”



So the man and his wife...

Patient: Doc, it hurts when I pee...what do you think is going on?

Doctor: You're in pain.

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed; sweating and panting.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

“I think I'm having a heart attack," she cries.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone but just as he’s dialing 911, his six year old son runs up to him and says, “Daddy! Daddy! ...

“Doctor, I think I have ADHD. I can never remember where I parked my Ford.”

Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works.

Man: But I keep losing my Focus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guys don’t think about sex every 7 seconds.

We think about it every 6.9 seconds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a sex shop to purchase a small see-through lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife th...

A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study Maid: "I'd like a raise."

Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?

Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband.Third, I'm better in ...

i came up with this one and i think its a little silly. what do you call it when a missile fails to reach it’s destination?

projectile dysfunction

I think there should be a vote recount.

It’ll be awesome to see Trump lose twice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

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