When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

I think my parents are the funniest people in the world

They made a joke 19 years ago, and people are still laughing at it.

I think I'm going to kill off the main character in my new book

I hope it will spice up this autobiography a little

When I see lovers' nαmes cαrved in α tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.

EDIT I removed comments with α since some of you didn't like it.

Also this is an old joke . Look some posts from several years ago. https://twitter.com/biiimurray/status/361654153811996672.

http://www.su...

There were two christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.

As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved.

As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a v...

My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...

No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeeper says, "You're on here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse replies, "I don't think I am" and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think, therefore I am'. But to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend thinks I act too feminine, and she's always questioning my sexuality. She says I should try to act tougher, so that if she feels threatened by some guy she can feel safe with me...

but I assured her that if any guy tries to get too close to her I'd be the first one to beat him off.

Man: "Doctor, I think I have ADHD: I can't remember where I parked my Ford!"

Doctor: "That's not how ADHD works..."
Man: "But I keep losing my Focus!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Gordon Ramsey: "F***ing hell, this tastes like someone shat on a piece of meat and then served it raw. What the f*** are you thinking asking me to eat this?"

"Gordon, if you don't want to give me oral sex, just say so. Don't make a production out of it." - His wife.

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Last night, I was lying in bed gazing up at the stars thinking

*Where the fuck is my roof?*

I think fights between career boxers and famous criminals would be entertaining. We could even make it fair, with different weight classes and everything.

We just need to weigh the Pros and Cons.

I think I have a brain tumor...

...But it’s all in my head!

I was thinking...

If a parent is trying to put his child to sleep and the child is refusing, wouldn’t it be illegal because technically the child is resisting a rest?

But then I realized it’s a lose-lose situation and it’s illegal either way because if the child willingly goes to sleep it makes it a kid nappi...

What do you guys think of my idea to abstain from working with spreadsheets for 40 days before Easter?

Because personally, I think it's Excel Lent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think my family is racist...

when I brought my black girlfriend home to meet them, my wife and daughter wouldn't even talk to her!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The sight of a woman's cleavage reduces a man's ability to think clearly by 50 %

Per boob.

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Me: Sometimes I hear a voice and I think it might be an evil spirit, should I be afraid?

**Therapist:** That's actually quite common, sometimes I hear a whiny bitchass girly voice.

**Me:** What do you mean?

**Therapist:** There it goes again.

I think weekends are made in China.

They don't last long.

A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]

Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted.

So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each.

When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and ...

I like your thinking

A teacher asks her class: “If there are 3 birds on a lake and you shoot one of them how many will be left?”

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, ”None, they all fly away with the first gun shot” The teacher replies: “The correct answer is 2, but I like your thinking.” Then Little Johnny s...

Whenever I see a bus with a woman driver, I smile and I think how far the society has gone.

Then waited to take the next one.

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I think my dad might be gay.

Just not sure which one.

I like the way you're thinking.

Teacher: 3 birds are sitting on top of a roof and someone throws a rock and hits one off. How many birds are left?
Student: There are none left because the other two fly away whenever the other one is hit.
Teacher: Well actually there's still two left but I like the way you're thinking.
...

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season, but one day, went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appea...

Whenever I'm in trouble, I think, "What would Jesus do" ?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

My girlfriend thinks I'm creepy.

Well, she's not my girlfriend yet

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After spending some time in Canada, I think I'm only attracted to Canadians now.

You could say I'm eh-sexual.

As I am getting older, I start to think about all the people I’ve lost along the way..

and I came to the realization that maybe my career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

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I've been thinking about suicide a lot

But then again, I've thought about having sex aswell a lot and I'm still not doing it

Doctor: What's wrong with your bother? Boy: He thinks he is a chicken.

Doctor: Really? How long has this been going on?

Boy: Five years.

Doctor: Five years! Why didn’t you bring him in earlier?

Boy: We needed the eggs.

People keep avoiding me because they think I'm a heartless murderer, but I do have a heart.

Well, 28 to be exact.

A Rabbi is thinking to himself one day...

"What do I do with all of these foreskins?"

As a Rabbi, he had accumulated at least a thousand foreskins and was stumped at what to do with them. Finally, he decides to take all of these foreskins to a leather worker to see if the leather worker could make something out of them.

The ...

I always think my thumb is on the left side.

On the other hand, it might be on the right

Doctor, doctor, I think my hearing's going!

What are the symptoms?

Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

How do you think the unthinkable

With an ithberg

I think it’s weird that we call childbirth “delivery”.

Shouldn’t it be called “takeout” instead?

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."

We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he c...

[At the museum] Her: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?

Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.

I think it's just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong

especially after what he achieved winning 7 Tour de France races while competing on drugs. When I'm on drugs, I can't even find my bike.

Do you think Santa wipes from the front or the back?

I don't know, but I bet he checks it twice.

I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won't think twice...

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

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When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears

so you can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you think it's odd that one of my testicles is larger than

the other two?

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My wife told me a small penis isn’t as big of a problem as most people think...

I would just prefer if she didn’t have one at all.

I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.

Hope it’s not terminal.

I went to my psychologist and said "Doc, I think I'm schizophrenic."

He said, "That makes four of us!"

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As I was paying for a 20 year old Escort, I could only think of one thing.

This is a shitty car.

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

If you think you were shocked when you heard Epstein killed himself,

Imagine how shocked he must have felt!

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My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “Wha...

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Kids think us elders are so out of touch.

Kids think us elders are so out of touch.

My daughter walked in on me flossing.

"Dad. What are you doing? That's not cool"

"This is the easiest way for me to dry the bit between balls and my asshole,"

I think something's wrong with my friend Clorophil

He's looking a little green.

I was in an English exam and they asked “Write the past tense of ‘Think'”

I thought and thought about this for ages.
Eventually, I went for ‘Thunk’.

Everyday I Think About Success And I think About Death, Put 2 and 2 Together What Do you Get?

Medium wage.
I’ll see myself out.

My New Years resolution for 2020 took me awhile to focus on but I think I’ve got it.

Clear vision

"Hey man, do you think it'd be possible to build two piers next to each other?"

"no way, that's a pair o' docks!"



No idea if that's been posted before, just came up in my head and I don't think I seen anyone else make it

"Doctor, there's a man on line 1 who thinks he's invisible."

"Well, tell him we can't see him right now."

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m invisible.

Who said that?

To me, I think it was the right idea to give that new joker movie an R rating

Without it the whole film would seem like one big “*Joke*”

Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.” “Really? Why do you think so?”

“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”

We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.

A lot of people think that women have more trouble getting pregnant after age 30...

But that’s actually a missed conception.

I was in the park today when a woman came up to me and said, “Are you taking photos of my daughter on your iPhone?”

“Yes I’m taking photos of her,” I replied, “But it’s not what you think.”

“So what is it then?” she asked.

I said, “Its a OnePlus.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a girl is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:

A. She is a prude and you have no future together.

B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness.

C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?

A military commander calls his soldiers and says: "the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"

One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander.

"Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".

...

If you can think of a better fish pun

Let minnow!

I don't think the earth is flat.

If it was, cats would knock everything off the edge.

I'm thinking about staying in bed to watch a movie with my girlfriend

Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?

I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimer's disease

She says she doesn't remember what she ever saw in me

My housemates think our house is haunted, but it's not

I should know, I've lived here for over three hundred years now

Y'all ever just stop & think about all of the amazing, world changing, discoveries/inventions we use every day? Fire, the internet, refrigeration, the wheel, the combustion engine. My favorite invention?

The shovel. That was truly groundbreaking.

I don't think i need a spine,

it's holding me back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[nsfw] I think I am allergic to my girlfriend...

Cause every time she touches my dick it swells up.

I got an email from a Nigerian Prince asking me for $100,000 to help him build a business and in return I am promised 10 fold. What does he think I am a fool?

I already invested in a Prince from Qatar for half the price last week. Sucker can’t scam me.

I'm thinking of creating a new heavy metal band.

Osmium should do it.

When I see lover's name on a tree, I dont think it's sweet

I think it tastes more like bark, to be honest.

I think graveyards look a little overcrowded these days.

People must be dying to get in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having sex is like having a Porsche. The first time you try it it's over way too fast, you couldn't wait to do it again and people probably think your cool for the rest of your life...

...also I've never had a Porsche.

What do you all think about guillotines? [DAD JOKE INCOMING]

They’re good on paper, but I don’t really like the execution.

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

I think Baptists make terrible baseball players

Because they believe in once safe, always safe.

How does spider man think of such intelligent comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son thinks the land of the Jews is fake.

I told him it Israel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you think your job is awful...

...Just remember that somewhere in Bavaria, Germany, there is some miserable bastard in charge of putting turn signals in BMWs.

[At parole hearing] Officer: Why should you be released early?

Man: I’m ..

Officer: Go on.

Man: I think...

Officer: Yes?

Man: Can I please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

Some people think the testes and the prostate are the same thing.

In reality, there’s a vas deferens between the two.

An old man applies for a job as a woodcutter,

but the boss doesn't think he's fit enough. He tells the boss he is able to cut down any tree in a single swing.

To prove this, he goes outside, hits a five foot tree with his axe, and it falls over. The boss is impressed. The old man then repeats this with a ten foot tree. Then a thirty foot...

I don't think my cannibal friend likes me...

I asked him for some baked thigh meat, but he just gave me the cold shoulder

I used to think I understood the Dunning-Kruger effect...

but the more I look into it, the less sure I am.

How do you think the unthinkable?

Thteer it thtraight into an itheberg.

I think our parrot has schizophrenia or something.

Whenever I get home from work and my wife's in bed he tells me that Geoffrey just left.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."
Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said,...

Wife: "Honey, I think I'm pregnant."

Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm dad."

Wife: "Nevermind, I know I'm pregnant."

(I think) i just made this up!

Hey girl, are you an orange? 'Cuz man, you're a cutie!

I’m thinking of starting a band with some guys I met online

We’re gonna call ourselves LinkedIn Park

I used to think that revenge was a dish best served cold

But then I learned it means "getting back at someone".

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks

Cost me an arm and a leg!

I was thinking of a chemistry joke

But all the good ones Argon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctor...

I went to see the doctor the other day. Turns out my new doctor is a drop dead gorgeous brunette.

I was embarrassed but she said “don’t worry, I’m a professional - I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll check it out.”

I said “my wife thinks my dick tastes funny.”

Today I learned that I can make an ice cube melt just by concentrating on it and thinking ''Melt.''

I have to admit that it takes a lot longer than I expected.

I think it’s a good idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.

But that’s just my two scents.

Everyone thinks that Canadians hate Trump

It's Trudeau

What do you think Alexa, siri, and cortana identity as

Binary

I’ve been dating a homeless woman recently, and I think it’s starting to get serious…

She’s asked me to move out with her.

Positive Thinking

Doctor : Your liver is enlarged.

Patient : Does that mean it has space for more whisky?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”



So the man and his wife ...

Im thinking of taking a job as a crowd estimator of sporting events.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

People think my diabetes jokes are harsh.

But it’s not like I can sugarcoat it.

I think I'm addicted to amnesia-inducing drugs

I don't know how it got like this.

On July 22nd I went to the hospital emergency room thinking I had a Cancer.

Labour took longer than expected however and instead I had a Leo on July 23rd

I've been seeing this girl who says I'm a fun guy, but I think the relationship is killing me...

She's such an anti-fun gal

The queen wanted to go to bed, but the king was trying to think of a name for his soldiers and wouldn't go to bed before he came up with one.

Queen: K night.

King: Babe you're a genius!

A husband buys a dozen underwear for of the same color for his wife. His wife argues: “why the same color? People will think that I don’t change my underwear!”

In which the husband retorts “which people?!” >:/

Jewish Thinking

A Jewish couple is sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and this plane will be going down momentarily.

L...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sewing instructor thinks that I’m the worst student that she has ever seen.

Shit...wrong thread!

I saw a documentary about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage

But I think this sub's doing even better!

One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him...

Jack: Seriously Edith, your excuses are lame. It's clear that you are only trying to make people think you are special.

Edit: That's stupid, Jack. I removed the H from my name coz it saves ink in my printer.

I think belts make people really attractive.

They can turn a 1 into a 10.

A horse walks into a bar and all the stunned bartender can think to do is point a finger at him and say "Hey"

The horse says " yes, make it a double."

If you ever think that you have no purpose in life.

Just remember, there is a guy at the bmw factory installing turn signals.

My mom dosen't think that i am failure in Life anymore.

Now she knows.

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

Asked My Parents if I was an accident

Mom: No, no, why would you think that?

Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.

First attempt at cooking for my Italian girlfriend, she's due here any minute, and I think I royally screwed up the meal. Need help urgently!

Thyme is a factor.

I was thinking about moving to Moscow...

but there's no point Russian into things

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old witch: “You won’t take the entry-level wizarding jobs that are available, you spend all your money on eye of newt and you think every little spell you cast deserves some kind of participation goblet.”

Ok Broomer.

I think now that we've meemed and raided area 51, we should also raid the Vatican so we can compare...

We could call it Aliens vs Predators

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

I don’t think anyone will ever get this.

E
A
Peace
S
T

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook tha...

I think my vacuum cleaner is broken

It’s not that bad, really. It only kinda sucks.

There is a reason Donald Trump thinks he is the Second Coming.

Every time he says something he hears "Jesus Christ..."

"Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much?" I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

I stayed up all night trying to think of a joke.

And then it dawned on me.

As I walk around the children’s party I think,

“Wow, it was really easy to get that ankle monitor off.”

The teacher said to his class one day, "Please stand up, anyone who thinks they're stupid."

Nobody stood up so the teacher said, "I'm sure there are some stupid students in this class!"

At this point Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Oh Johnny! So you think you're stupid then?"

Little Johnny replied, "No, I just felt bad that you were standing up on your own."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a high wire walker, and a guy getting a blow job from a 100 year old woman both thinking?

Whatever you do, don't look down.

Most people think that t-rexes can’t clap because they have short arms

Actually it’s because they are dead

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