A few years ago I had a proud (step)dad moment I think this sub will like..

This was right after picking her up from preschool. She was usually a bit grumpy and I always tried to be fun and keep the drive home more upbeat.

 

Her: "I'm hungry."

Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."

Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"

...

"Doctor, I think I'm going deaf."

Doctor said, "Describe the symptoms."


\- "Well, Homer is bald, Marge has blue hair..."

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared...

I don't think women should be allowed to have kids after 40

40 kids is way too much by any standard!

If any of you on this sub are thinking of getting married soon, consider this carefully before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a really cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

“I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime, son.”

Son: “Was it something I said?”

Me: “Yes.”

Just wondering, do you think it's alright for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in school ?

Or am I just a terrible Teacher ?

I think my wife has been putting superglue on my water gun collection.

She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.” “OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
>“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife now has it, too.”

“Son of a bitch!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve a...

An original joke walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Welcome to /r/Jokes! I don't think I've seen you here before." Original joke replies...

"Don't worry. Within a week or two, I'll be a regular here!"

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,...

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks

It cost me an arm and a leg!

It's my special day today but I can't think of any good jokes...

It's a shame, I thought it would be a piece of cake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just after my girlfriend had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the parking lot."

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

How can you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg

I was griling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices made my mouth water.... Got me thinking....

Do vegetarians have the same effect when mowing a lawn ?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I can't think until after I ejaculate,"

I came to realize.





*edit:* thank you for the awards! My mom's going to be so proud I got my first ones on a pun about post-nut clarity!

[Rant] I think it's stupid my friend is having a meltdown over missing a puzzle piece for his 10K puzzle

If he thinks that's bad, I'm missing 9999 pieces.

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

An interviewer asks Putin, "Do you ever think there'll be a female president?"

"Of course not," Putin replies

"Why?" the interviewer inquires

"Am I female?" Putin responds



^(btw free navalny)

Can you guys settle this debate? My buddy thinks McDonalds has the best coke.

I think Mexico has the best coke.

How do you think the unthinkable?

Mike Tyson: “With an ithberg”.

I donate 1 kidney to a hospital and everyone thinks I am a hero



I donate 10 kidneys and everyone thinks I am a monster

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think I'm going to lose my driver's license...

and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Ima...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes I like to look at the world and think...

...how the fuck did I end up in space?!

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a restaurant.

They are having a fun time and give their waitress a huge tip. Super excited about the tip, the waitress decides to tell them a secret: In the women's bathroom, there is a magical mirror. If you tell it something truthful, you will be greatly rewarded. However, if you lie to the mirror, you will dis...

“Doctor, I think I have ADHD. I can never remember where I parked my Ford.”

Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works.

Man: But I keep losing my Focus.

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”



So the man and his wife...

I think silence is the best answer sometimes. What do you think dad?

Dad: .....
Me: dad, what do you think?
Dad: .....

I used to think two was the only word that started with TW...

but then I checked twice, and sure enough it does too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

I think I’m gonna go to school to become an elevator mechanic...

...although I’ve heard the job has some serious ups and downs.

I don’t think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds

Because every time I take them she goes away

My daughter thinks I’m nosy and controlling.

At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

i came up with this one and i think its a little silly. what do you call it when a missile fails to reach it’s destination?

projectile dysfunction

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint

The barkeep says, "You're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse replies, "I don't think I am," and vanishes from existence.

>!See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophical statement "I think, therefore I am", but to explain that part b...

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began...

...One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walke...

I’ve been working on my comedy routine and I think it’s a real hoot...

Owl see myself out

Some Yank had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.

We may not have as much experience as y'all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.


We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.

I think my cat might be a communist

He won't shut up about Mao.

Help, I think my neighbor might be stalking me.

I saw her googling me while looking through my telescope.

Do you think Jeff Bezos sleeps naked?

...or with pajamazon?

It doesn't matter how kind you think your child is.

German children will always be kinder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After 10 years a wife started to think their child was looking strange.

So she did a DNA test and found out the child was not theirs. She told her husband what she had found out.

The husband replied, you don’t remember do you?!

When we were leaving the hospital the baby pooped and you told me to go and change him, so I went inside and got a clean one and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was thinking the other day, why don't they just put advertisements on the Hulk?

Essentially hes just a giant Banner.

A man is at the dentist and he says “Doc, I think I’m a moth!”

“Sounds like you need a psychiatrist,” says the dentist, “Why did you come to see me?”
The man replies “Eh, the light was on...”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man scores a hot date

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.
The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you think Dwayne "the rock" Johnson...

Calls his penis "Dwayne *The Cock* Johnson"?

Personally I think you should start the day off with a meal of French mushrooms

...Breakfast of champignons

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think Jobs are too snoopy when it comes to our private sex lives

Whenever it has the spot on the application that says “sex: ”, as a young man, I’m always just slightly caught off guard. I reluctantly put my number of times there.

Sometimes it provides me with the choice of “M” or “F” online. I always select the F for few. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to...

I think I thought of a great joke about yoga

But you might need to help me with the punchline, it's a bit of a stretch.

A tree says to another tree, her boyfriend, "I think we should break up"

The other tree: "why wood you do this"

My wife thinks her latest copy of Indian Cooking Monthly is too narrowly focused

I think it's a naan issue.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?" Me: "Can't say I do."

Therapist: "That's one of them!"

I used to think that Lake Superior was pretty arrogant.

But if you think about it..
All the Great Lakes are completely full of themselves.

A guy sat next to me in the bus today and pulled out a photo of his wife.

He asked me “Ain’t she beautiful?”

I said “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife”

He replied with “ Why, is she a stunner as well?”

I said “ No, she’s an optician”


Credit: not mine but i can’t remember where I saw it

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older

then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

I think there should be a vote recount.

It’ll be awesome to see Trump lose twice.

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"


To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his<...

I think Ponyboy from the Outsiders was lactose intolerant

He didn’t like Darry

Has anyone seen my chiropractor joke? I think I lost it here.

It would’ve been about a week back.

For the bridge enthusiasts out there: I think my ex must have been a bottom supported bridge with a track running down the middle.

Cantilever alone without someone running a train on her.

Work in progress, needs fine tuning.

Do you think Jesus ever broke a nail?

If he did, I bet he was cross.

A guy goes into a psychologist and says, "Hey Doc, I think I'm schizophrenic."

The doctor says, "What a coincidence that makes four of us!"

I got an email from a Nigerian Prince asking me for $100,000 to help him build a business and in return I am promised 10 fold. What does he think I am a fool?

I already invested in a Prince from Qatar for half the price last week. Sucker can’t scam me.

I can’t think of a time when I lost my toupee while riding a motorcycle.

At least not right off the top of my head.

I didn’t think the Chiropractor would improve my posture...

... However, I stand corrected

I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out...

...I’m just after my money.

As his Presidency comes to an end, I think it's important to reflect on the one positive result of Donald Trump's term.

His Covid19 test result.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

Everyone thinks lawyers are a bunch of sharks, rats and pit-bulls!

But really, they're all liti-gators

Do you think they would write a book about Ellen Page's transformation into Elliot?

They really should.

It would be a real Page-turner

I think I have a bible fetish

I just came to that revelation

I think I made a mistake...

...when I bought all of those GameStop chairs.

I think about dieting sometimes...

It takes a lot of weight off my mind.

I think my girlfriend has slept with 61 people before me

She keeps calling me her 62nd lover

I am thinking about getting a job cleaning mirrors

I could see myself doing that

I think that ultra-violet light might have Asperger's.

Its definitely on the spectrum.

If you think nobody cares you are alive

Try missing a couple of payments.

My wife asked me, “Do you think our kids are spoiled?”

I said, “No, I think they usually smell that way.”

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out, and...

I think the world’s greatest dad trophy my kids just got me is kinda silly.

I think I was the only one that knew it was a competition.

Their bio dad definitely didn’t.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think I need to stop pissing around with my son's new time machine and get it wrapped up.

It's his birthday last month.

Thinking of starting a bakery supply business

The whisks are great but so are the wewards.

A teacher asks little Johnny a question...

-If there are five birds in a powerline and someone shoots one, how many birds are left?

-None because they will get scared away from the gunshot"

-Four but I like the way you think

-I have a question for you then. There's three women eating ice cream, one's sucking, one's lick...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wrote a joke. Let me know what you think.

Life hack. I moved my fitness watch to my masterbation hand and now my watch thinks I run a four minute mile every night after my wife falls asleep. I’ll show myself out.

“You know, I think it’s your turn to pick wild mushrooms.” My girlfriend said.

So I gather.

GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a Detective. I think we should split up.

Me:

Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.

Did you guys hear they’re thinking about closing the Philadelphia mint?

Im not opposed, it just makes cents

You know, I think I wanna become a farmer.

I’d get so many chicks...

I don't think my GF is what Tom Petty would call and American Girl

She doesn't take it easy, and unfortunately, doesn't make me last all night.

Since Facebook claims ownership of everything you post on their website

I think I should start uploading my bills.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Nun was taking a bath when there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" She asked. The voice back replies "It's the blind man, can I come in?" The Nun thinks for a moment and says "yes that's fine". The door opens and the man says.

Nice tits, where you want me to hang the blinds?

I think my girlfriend is obsessed with scooby doo.

She keeps telling me we should split up and search for other people.

When you think about it, a blood cell’s life is truly futile...

After all, its whole life is lived in vein.

When you wake up and think life sucks.

But at least my name is not North Kardashian West

Walking out to my truck today, in texas, I can’t help but think,

Joe Biden has really over done it with his global warming plan.

I think I look better without my glasses on.

A bit fuzzy, sure, but an improvement overall.

I think my calender has COVID..

I think my calender has Covid, it said it was feeling a bit week. When I took it to the doctor, the doctor said that it's days are numbered.

I think my wife’s showing symptoms of Alzheimers.

She’s telling me everyday that she can’t remember what she saw in me that made her marry me.

Two factory workers are talking.

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a ligh...

A school district superintendent, known for his fiery temper, visits a high school one day. He becomes so annoyed with the staff's incompetence that he yells without thinking, "Half of this school's staff is unfit to work in a high school!"

Naturally, everyone stops and stares as the superintendent. "I'm sorry," he says sheepishly. "What I meant to say was that half of this school's staff is *not* unfit to work in a high school!"

My friends and I were playing a game, where you have to think of famous Johns. The game ends if you pick a John that has died.

It's all fun and games until someone gets Hurt.

A man walks into the doctor's office and tells the receptionist: "Help! I think I'm invisible!"

She replies: "Sorry, the doctor can't see you."

My wife is thinking of leaving me because of my obsession with poker

But I think she's bluffing.

I think I might be a polygamist.

My wife has multiple personality disorder.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

A blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work She knocks on one door and an older man opens it up. "Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?"

He looks her up and down and surmises that she's an idiot whom he can take advantage of.

"I'll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There's paint, brushes, ladders and everything you'll need next to the car in the garage."

"Sure, sounds great!"

The man closes the door, ch...

When I see couple’s names carved into a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet.

I think it’s strange how many people take a knife on a date.

I've been dating a cross-eyed woman for 3 months now. But I don't think it's gonna last.

We just don't see eye to eye.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hope this joke isn’t as bad as I’d think it is... it’s my first one.

Hey did you hear about Jim?

No, Why?

I heard his septic burst.

Oh I see...

Yea man must have been a pretty crappy thing to happen...

A lot of people think driving and drinking is bad

I like to call those people: The cops

Why do people think Vampires have Coronavirus?

Because they’re always coffin.

A man thinks that his wife is losing her hearing

He is getting very frustrated with her because of it, but she denies it when he confronts her about it. So one day he decides to set up an experiment to prove it to her.

He takes her out to the field behind their house and he places his wife at 100 yards away from him and shouts “Dolores!” H...

I used a sample of my DNA to create a clone, with whom I now cohabit. People often ask me whether I think it's unethical.

I tell them I can live with myself.

Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says, “Well thank you! Whatcha gonna to do about it?"

Johnny burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Johnny says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot...

Someone told me that I care too much of what others think

What do you think?

If you think Amazon is going to deliver what you ordered...

...you've got another thing coming.

A woman tries getting on a bus but realizes her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.


Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind to unzip her skirt a little, thinking thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Son, I think it's time to talk about pornography, as men."

"Son, I think it's time to talk about pornography, as men."

"What about it exactly?"

"How the hell do you delete the history so mother doesn't find out?"



(translated, sorry if not properly)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think my grandpa was a professional storm chaser.

I found a helmet in his basement with two thunderbolts on the front.

What do you think about saying ‘Awomen’ in addition to ‘Amen’?

No comwoment.

My wife thinks I’m obsessed with golf.

It came to a head in an argument at about 11.30 last night, when she yelled: “Golf! Golf! Golf! That’s all you ever think about!”

It frightened the life out of me. Well, you don’t expect to meet anyone on the 14th green at that time of night.

10 years ago people used to think I am unfunny but now

they think I am unfunny, antisocial and, broke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


&nbsp;

&nbsp;

&nbsp;


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do dumb people think to drink to gain intelligence?

Smartwater

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times, and she won't think twice...

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

I think it was a mistake to call childbirth “delivery”.

It should have been called “takeout” instead.

Think I saw Michael J Fox at the garden centre this morning

Can’t be sure though, he had his back to the fuchsias

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike

but he doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Honda road bike with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in...

I don't understand why people think money grows on trees when clearly, it actually grows on shrubbery.

That's where hedge funds come from!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking...

Where the fuck is my roof?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife.

Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un-rewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't think they do that.

Background: My friend is having issues with his solar power generation system in his house.

Friend: "I wish these solar guys would come and fix my shit!"
Me: "I don't think they will."
Friend: "why?"
Me: "solar doesn't work where the sun don't shine. "

People don't think the grass be wet in the morning,

but it dew.

I think the men who shorten their name to 'Pat'.....

.....are missing a trick.

I think my husband is cheating on me...

Cause our children look nothing like him.

I've been falling asleep listening to comedy specials and I don't think it's good for my health

Because I keep feeling funny in the morning.

If you ever think your job is pointless, just remember...

You could be the guy who installs indicators on BMWs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: I'm getting a gun because of my fear if birds.

Therapist: I think you might be getting carried away.

Me: NOT WITHOUT A FIGHT I'M NOT!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Women should think of the Penis like they should cars. They should be able to get from A to B on a daily basis, as safe and efficiently as possible, be easy to park in the garage without using the mirrors, and come with a load of kids if needed.

That being said, it is also nice to get a big black stretch limo for her birthday to make her feel special.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Japanese man in a monastery atop a sacred mountain asks the wise man: "Master Ayumu, why do all Westerners think that Japanese people look alike?"

"I am not Master Ayumu."

Don't think that colour doesn't matter. Brown, yellow and black must be eliminated so that only white remains. It's the only way to reach victory.

Said the snooker teacher.

I'm thinking of making an app that steals from the poor and gives to the rich...

I'm gonna call it 'Robbin' the hood'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy asks his wife, "Honey, why do I always get a boner when I'm looking in the mirror?"

She replies, "because your cock thinks you're a pussy too.

I used to think I was good with jokes until I got hit by an electric car

I did not hear that one coming

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

I think my dog has a drinking problem

He can't control his licker

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unexpectedly, an artist's wife started having sex with him every day.

Though quite unusual, he didn't question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride.

One day, his wife approached him. "Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What should I draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her,...

Do you think America's gone nuts?

Nah. They've gone coup coup.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.”

Rob pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Rob said "today is my birthday, i'm feeling LUCKY and I guess 8".

The owner said, “You were very close, the lucky numb...

An engineer dies and mistakenly gets sent to hell

At first he’s in shock, he wasn’t supposed to end up here! But then he starts to look around & notice things.
Everyone is always so grouchy because of the heat, so he fixes the AC. And they’re always bored because there’s nothing to do, so he fixes the cable box. Slowly but surely he starts ...

I banned my wife from singing Cascada, but I think she is singing it behind my back.

She denies it of course, but everytime we touch I get a feeling

George Carlin once famously joked, "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

Thanks to all those people wearing masks but leaving their noses fully exposed, the stupider half is now a lot easier to spot.

A blonde pays $1,000,000 to use a stadium to prove blondes are smart.

She fills the stadium with 80,000 other blondes and calls one up to prove, on live TV, that blondes are smart. She starts simply with a math question.
“What’s twenty plus three?” She asks the young volunteer. The little blonde thinks and timidly whispers into the mic “nine?” Soon a chorus of 80,...

My 10 year old Son just came up with this one and I couldn't be more proud: What's Batman's favourite fruit?

A Banananananananananananananananana

EDIT: Thank you everyone for the awards and kind words! Just to clarify:

* Yes, he does know the 60's batman theme. My partner loves campy batman so it was inevitable. [The Simpsons](https://youtu.be/TQepz5rsS6E?t=88) also made sure of that.
* Gi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

Some people think guns are beautiful.

I think tasers are stunning.

My four year old daughter has been learning Spanish now for over a year but she still can’t seem to say “please”

I think that’s poor for four

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and controlled news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, America.

Friend: I think I have a crush on the president and the first lady.

Me: You are bi-den?

My friend once told me, "I think you have a gambling problem."

$50 says he has no idea what he's talking about.

I think most dogs have a hard time

every time I ask one how their day is going, they always say "rough".

I'm thinking of joining a gym.

I'm keeping mentally active.

A man is dying. He lies in his bed with his wife next to him.

He says to her:

'you remember when i lost my job some years ago?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and when our son died in a car crash?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and now I'm dying of cancer you're still by my side'

'y...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.