The CIA,The FBI and the KGB

The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They ...

Do you know how to catch a bear?

Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by.

When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bear and a rabbit we're taking a shit in the woods.

The bear asked the rabbit. "Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur"? The rabbit said. "No", so the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forest, but they don't like each other.

One day, they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each. Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. Mr. Bear's second wish is that all the bears in the neighboring forests were female as well. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a mo...

Walking through the forest, an atheist hears a rustling in the bushes. Turning, he sees a massive grizzly charging towards him!

He runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls. As the bear raises a huge paw to strike, the atheist screams: "God! Help me!"

Time freezes. The bear becomes immobile, the forest is silent, and the river stops running. Then the atheist hears a powerful voice: "You have denied my ex...

A bear is ordering lunch and he says “I’ll have a sandwich and a.....cola

The person taking his order asks”what’s with the big pause”
the bear says “I don’t know, I was born with them”

A bear walks into a bar

A bear walks into a bar and says "Give me a rum and.............cola"

"Why the big pause?" asks the barman.

The bear shrugs and says "I dunno, I was born with them."

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.

…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.

I’ve seen this reposted many times but bear with me

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on Reddit.

Please post any animal jokes here. I am collecting outstanding animal jokes, or puns. Thank you.

Start it off with a classic.

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produce...

A Priest, A Minister, A Rabbi, and A Bear

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who is best at his job. So each one goes into the woods to find a bear and try to convert it.

Later, they all get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is...

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear.

He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your...

In the USA you can bear arms

In mother Russia we arm bears

How did the gummy bear lose his leg?

He lost it in nom.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A koala bear and a lizard are sitting in a tree smoking a joint...

The koala bear eats a lot of eucalyptus and is a little bit bigger so his tolerance is pretty good. The lizard however is a lightweight and loses his shit very quickly. He says to the koala bear “I’m gonna need a drink of water.” So he walks down the branch and takes a drink out of the river. All of...

Scientists modified bears DNA to make them more humanlike.

Unfortunately the result was unbearable.

Why aren’t koalas actual bears?

They don’t meet the koalafications.

A bear walks into a bar

"I'd like a pint of...

...

...

...

...

... Guinness please."

"Sure," the bartender replies. "But why the big pause?"

"Oh, I was born with these."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bear is chasing a rabbit

Through the woods and stumble upon a magic lamp. A genie pops out and says "thank you for freeing me, I have granted you two the ability to communicate with. I will give both of you 2 wishes.". The bear speaks up first "I wish to have the biggest bear penis in the world." The genie looks to the rabb...

A bear walks into McDonald’s

and goes to order at the cash register.

“What can I get for you, sir?” Asked the employee.

“I would like a Big Mac... ... ... ... ... ... and fries.”

“What’s with the big pause there, sir?”

The bear looks down, “Oh these? I was born with them.”

What is a polar bear’s favourite government agency?

I.C.E!

I'm totally into polar bears.

Some people call me crazy.

I'm completely Inuit.

An atheist goes for a walk in the woods.

“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked ...

A bear walks into a bar and says he wants a whiskey and .................... a coke. The bartender says no problem but what’s with the big pause?

The bear says I don’t know I was born this way

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bear walks into a bar...

The bear says: “I’d like a whiskey and............................coke please.

Bartender says: “Why the big pause?”

Bear replies: “I was born with them.”

Edit:
Thanks for the upvotes! I actually lived this joke right before posting while making dinner for my kids (changed t...

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Black Bear in Bar

A big black bear walks into a bar and orders a brown beer.

Bartender says, "we don't serve big black brown beers in this bar".

Bear says, "listen hear, I'm a big black bear and I want a brown beer, bartender" and the bear turns to the woman sitting next to him and eats her.

Bart...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A polar bear cub comes home from school one day and says to his mother...

“Mom, are you sure I'm a purebred polar bear? I'm not part grizzly bear or anything?"

She says, "Of course you're 100% polar bear. I'm a polar bear, your dad's a polar bear, you're a polar bear."

The next day after school, he asks his father. "Dad, am I a purebred polar bear? Are you s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy hears a noise on his roof. He goes outside and sees a large black bear on the roof.

So he calls an animal trapper and explains the situation. The trapper says he'll be right over.

About an hour later, the trapper rolls up in a huge pickup truck with a large metal cage in the bed. He gets out of the truck followed by a tough looking pitbull. The dog looks pretty beat up, with...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bear and a rabbit are pooping in the woods next to each other.

The bear looks over to the rabbit and says, "Does poop stick to your fur?"

The rabbit says, "Nope."

The bear reaches over, picks up the rabbit, and wipes his butt with the rabbit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The hunt for bears

One day two friends decided to go hunting bears, they had all the equipment and they were ready to go.
After they got to the forest the first friend said:

"Should we have a plan for this? How will we find a bear?"

"That's easy.. We have our gun, we have our dog and we have our trail...

A bear walks into a bar...

And sits down on the last stool away from the door, the only available seat.
The bartender eventually works his way down to the bear. "Sorry, it's been a rough day. What'll it be?"
"I'll have a gin and... tonic."
"Why the long face?"
The bear looks confused. "Don't you mean 'Why the big ...

How fast is a grizzly bear

Two guyes are hiking in the mountains. They stumble on an angry grizzly bear. The one guy bends down to tighten his shoelaces. What, asked the other guy, do you really think you can out run a grizzly bear? Nope, answered the first guy, but I know I can out run you

A priest, a pastor and a rabbi walk into a bar.

A priest, a pastor and a rabbi walk into a bar and soon begin arguing over who’s the best at what they do.

Eventually they decide that in order to prove who’s the best, they would all go out alone into the woods and convert a bear to their respective religion.

A few weeks later.. they ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bear Grylls walks into an Aussie Pub

Bartender goes "what can I get you"

Bear Grylles, "its alright, I brought my own piss"

A bear walks into a bar

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells ...

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A baby polar bear asked his dad.

Am I pure polar bear?” The dad replies, “Sure you are. You are all polar bear, your parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear.” Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, “Mom, am I pure polar bear?” She answers, “Of course you are hon...

Bear Grylls: "Can we pause this interview? I got to take a pee break." *director agrees

Bear Grylls: "Thank god. I was damn thirsty."... \*opens a bottle of his own urine

BEAR ON A RAMPAGE

A bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing two hikes. They both start running for their lives, but then one of them stops to put on his running shoes.

His friends says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"

His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear; I only have t...

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A man goes to get his wisdom teeth cut out

and the oral surgeon tells him he’s going to give him something for the pain. The man says I don’t need it the last time I felt pain was so intense I haven’t felt pain since. The oral surgeon takes this as a challenge and intentionally tries to hurt the man while he cuts his wisdom teeth out. When h...

If you know nothing about constellations at least learn Ursa Minor

...that's the bear minimum.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bear is chasing a squirrel in the woods.

They cross a river when, all of a sudden, the river genie appears. Genie: "Well, shit. Two customers. I don't know who triggered this whole thing, so lemme give you 3 wishes. Bear, you start, since you're bigger." Bear thinks for a moment. He smiles: "Ok, I want all the other bears in this forest to...

If you ever get attacked by a bear...

play dead it will be good practice for when you die a couple of minutes later.

An old bear is about to write in his journal... (Translated from Chinese)

And he finds that he has no more pages left, so he decides to go get a new one. It's already midnight but he goes out anyway. He gets on his bike and rides into the dark streets. After a long time, he finally finds a bookstore that's still open, so he goes inside. He finds a new journal that he real...

Two bears are swimming in water, a black bear and a white bear. Which one dissolves?

The white one, because it's polar.

What do you get when you mix a Grizzly Bear with a Polar Bear?

A Bi-Polar Bear.

What do you call an angry bear?

*Fur*ious!

How do you survive a grizzly bear attack with only a .22 pistol?

Shoot your hiking partner in the leg.

The white bear and the penguin tried to make their relationship work, but they couldn't.

They were polar opposites.

A bear walk in to a bar

Sits for 10 seconds, then orders a glass of water.
bartender: why the big pause’?
Bear: I was born with them.

What is a polar bears favourite thing to eat?

Burrrr - Gurrrrs.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I am creating a video game about a bear and bird that hire a prostitute and then don't pay her.

I'm calling it "Banjo-Kazooie Nuts and Bolts"

Why do polar bears only live at the north pole?

Because if they also lived at the south pole, they would be bipolar bears.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jew and a Czech while on a trip are attacked by two bears, one male and one female.

The Jew is able to escape; however, the Czech gets eaten by the male bear. Being a good Samaritan the Jew alerts the park ranger that there are two bears on the loose, one of which has eaten his friend. The park ranger then proceeds to kill both of the bears. The Jew asks the park ranger if he can c...

I like my bears like I like my molecules

Polar and non attractive

How do you keep bears out of your backyard?

You install goal posts.

What do you call a slightly damp bear?

A Drizzly bear!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The panda bear and the lizard were smoking pot in a tree.

At some point the lizard gets thirsty and heads to the river for a drink. Once the lizard gets there he meets the crocodile.

" what's the matter with you ? " asks the crocodile

" I've been smoking pot with the panda bear ,_hi hi_ "

"How dare he giving you drugs ?
that bas...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A hunter kills a bear

A hunter kills a bear. He goes to check what he killed and the dad of that bear comes behind him and taps him on his shoulder. Bear says "what you've done isn't very nice is it?" bear gives him 2 options "i either eat you or fuck you in the ass". The hunter thinks and goes with the second option. ...

They told me to go to the zoo and steal as many bears as I could

I got away with the bear minimum

A woman meets Syd the Stud in a bar.

They talk. They connect. They end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hu...

A man was attacked, then saved, by a bear.

It was bi-polar.

I live in Canada, so you encounter a lot of bears here. Me and my friend were walking in the forest, when we saw one, up close. I thought I was a goner, when I remembered my gun in my backpack.

One shot to my friends kneecap, and I was able to run away safely

What do you do when you come across a bear in the woods?

Wipe him off and say you're sorry.

The lion is celebrating a party. All animals are invited, only the hamster is not.

The hamster does not want to miss the party and asks the rabbit: "Hey, rabbit, can´t you smuggle me in behind your big ears to the lion's party?" The rabbit´answers, "Nope, I'm not tired of life, if the lion noticed that, it would be my end."

The hamster then asks the fox: "Listen, fox, can´t...

I’m not worried about the Chicago Bears.

I’m sure they will bounce back.

When i got my gun license, first thing i did was cut off a bear’s front legs. No legal action was taken

Because i had the right to bear arms

A Finnish, Swedish and a Norwegian person takes a contest who can stay in a cave with bear the longest

The Swedish person goes in first, stays in for 10 seconds, screams and comes running out. Same fate for the Norwegian. When the Finnish person goes in, they hear a scream and the bear comes running out.

A bear walks into a bar...

A bear walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.

The bartender greets the bear, "Hey there! What can I get for you?"

The bear goes, "Umm, I'll have..."

The bartender checks his watch, waiting patiently for the bear's order.

Finally, the bear answers, "...a gin and to...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Roof Bear

A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, ...

Why do teddy bears never eat?

Because they are always stuffed.

A woman decides to go home with a guy she met at a club one night

He's tall, tanned, strikingly handsome, and seems different than most other guys she meets.

Upon arrival at his place they head straight to the bedroom where she can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears.

On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle shelf are medium-siz...

What is the punchline to this joke my daughter's Fozzie Bear toy says?

My daughter has a muppet babies Fozzie Bear talking toy.

He says numerous phrases including singing the muppet babies theme song and who could forget his memorable catch phrase "wakka wakka"

But then, being the jokester he is, says this:

"Did you ever hear the one about the ba...

Gotta feel bad for Bears kicker Cody Parkey

He’s always been an upright guy

I asked a friend what type of animal she would be and she said "I would be a penguin-bear"

I said: "Those are like, POLAR opposites"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] A man goes hunting for bears...

Deep in the woods, he spots a large grizzly. He raises his gun, aims for the heart, and pulls the trigger. *Click*

The bear approaches him smiling and says "Nice try, now either you bend over or I eat you."

The man bends over, and the bear proceeds to rip off his clothes and bugger him...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A deer had a bar. One day, he found the toilet window broken, so he asked the patrons "Who broke the window!?"

A hare responded "I kinda did..."

The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"

The hare says: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".

The deer...

Brown bears vs. grizzly bears

A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, “Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see an...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If a bear shits in the woods, where does his friend the lamb go?

The baathroom.

*new dad, first OC dad-joke of my own*

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bears in Bars in Butte, Montana

One beautiful springtime day, a bear wakes up after a long winter's sleep, smacks his lips, and decides he's going to go to town to get a beer.

Just so happens that this bear's home is nearby Butte, Montana, and he found it pretty easy to find a bar. He walks on in, takes a stool, lays his bi...

What's more fearsome than a Grizzly bear with AIDS?

The guy he got it from.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bear is chasing a rabbit through the forest when they stumble across a magic lamp.

The rabbit picks up the lamp, and rubs it. Out comes a genie, and it grants them both 3 wishes.

The bear, now focused on the wishes, decides to test the genie’s limits. He says, “I wish every other bear in the forest were female!”

The rabbit simply says, “I wish for a motorcycle helmet...

What is Fozzy Bear’s favourite vacation destination?

Waka-waka-wakanda

What do Cuban Koala bears eat?

Yucalyptus

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room..

It's not dead, It's just afraid to move.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bear goes into a bar in billings

And asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender replies “we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in billings.”

The bear is outraged and once again demands a beer. The bartender again says they don’t serve beer to bears in bars in billings.

The bear sees a woman drinking at the end of the...

A man asks a teddy bear if he would like some food.

Teddy bear : Nah thanks I'm a little stuffed......

I'll see myself out.

Did you hear that the Bears’ kicker Cody Parkey got banned from Reddit?

Too many posts.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An oldie but a goodie, middle school legend. Its worded in a way as if its a conversation, bear with me.

So there's this kid, kinda stupid, going to kindergarten. He's set to learn his alphabet. His teacher tells him to go.home, and memorize the first 3 letters of the alphabet.

He goes home, and goes to his mom, who's talking on the phone with her ex-boyfriend. She's talking away, things are ge...

Rumor has it that distraught Chicago Bear's field goal kicker Cody Parker tried to end his life recently.

The bullet went wide right.

What do yo call a polar bear at the beach?

Lost

How to catch a bear...

Dig a giant hole...fill it with ash and put peas around it. Then when the bear goes to take a pea..kick him in the ash hole.

What did the polar bear eat after the dentist fixed it’s tooth?

The dentist

If a bear is telling puns in the forest, but no one is around to hear them.

Is it because he’s being unbearable?

Polar bear: Don't you just love these little igloo snacks...

Crunchy on the outside, soft and chewy on the inside.