A man meets a beautiful woman in a bar.

They talk, they really hit it off, they end up leaving together.


They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment. He notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on...

The CIA,The FBI and the KGB

The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They ...

A hunter had been out hunting bear all day, when he came across a fast flowing river.

The water was nice and cool, so he set his rifle down and began to splash water on his face to cool down from the many hours of hunting. The hunter looked up just a monster Grizzly Bear was charging at him full speed roaring like a freight train. Then about 20 yards out the hunter dropped to his kne...

Why did the grizzly get fired from his job?

He was only doing the bear minimum.....

Yes I know where the door is.....

What's the difference between a brown bear on a bicycle and a black bear on a bicycle?

Bearly much, they're bicycly the same.

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Dad given advice to his son "if you're hiking and a 9 foot grizzly rears up, you just"

"reach back, grab a handful of shit and throw it in the bear's eyes. Then run."





Son "Where do you get the shit from?"





"Trust me, it'll be there."

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A Rabbit and a bear are fighting in a forest, when a wizard walks by

He explains to them that if they stop fighting, he will grant them three wishes each.

So of course they stop fighting immediately.

“Right,” says the wizard, “why don't you go first, bear?”

The bear thinks about his first wish for a few seconds and then says, “I wish that every b...

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

(My girlfriend told me this and I thought I'd share)

Did you hear about the bear with 2 left feet?

No?? Oh... * awkward *paws* *

Do you know how to catch a bear?

Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by.

When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. ...

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Long. A little white rabbit is being chased through the forest by a bear.

As they are running, they both trip over a magic lamp. The genie pops out and looks at the two.

“Since you both touched the lamp, you will both get 3 wishes,” says the genie.

The bear starts jumping up and down waving its paws and says “Oh, oh, oh, me first! I wish all the bears in thi...

A bear walks in to a bar

"I'd like a whisky and...............coke"
Bartender "why the big pause?"
Bear "i don't know, i was born with'em"

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An Israeli and his Czech friend were wandering through the forest when a bear reared up and ate the Czech guy.The Jewish guy ran to the nearest Ranger office,to report what happened. The ranger went off in his truck and returned shortly with two bears in cages in the back.

‘These are the only two bears in the vicinity can you identify which one ate your friend?’ The ranger asked
‘How could I recognize which bear is which?’ Said the fellow
‘Well,’ countered the Ranger’ One is a male bear and the other a female, maybe when the bear reared up to eat your friend you...

An atheist is walking through the countryside when he is ambushed by a huge grizzly bear.

"Oh God!" he screams "Help me!"



The bear stops in its tracks and a voice from the heavens rings out "All your life you've said you don't believe in me, slandered my name and now you want my help?"



"I realize that my request is bold," replies the atheist "but would it ...

How much does a polar bear weigh?

Enough to break the ice!

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A Panda Bear wins a free trip to NYC....

This Giant Panda boards his flight from China and after a long flight he arrives in New York. He decides to do some tourist stuff and go sightseeing. As he is walking down the crowded and busy streets of NYC, so many people are taking photos and selfies with him. The panda is feeling like a rocksta...

I caught two bears banging around in the dumpster behind my house last night.

Apparently, their gym memberships expired.

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A bear and a rabbit are taking a friendly stroll through the forest when they both have to take a dump

So they each go to find a tree. Afterwards, as they resume their walk, the bear asks

“Rabbit, do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?”

“Not at all” Rabbit says proudly.

So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit a couple times and tosses him in a bush.

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A bear walks into a bar

He says to the bartender, “I’ll have a beer.” The bartender says, “We don’t serve bears in this bar.”

The bear is outraged. “What do you mean you don’t serve bears! If you don’t give me a beer right now I’m going to eat the woman at the end of the bar!” The bartender says, “We don’t serve bel...

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Mum are you sure I'm a polar bear?

Mum are you sure I'm a polar bear?

Yes, why?

Are you really sure?

Yes, of course you are a polar bear, I'm a polar bear, your dad is a polar bear, your grand parents are polar bears, you are a polar bear?

Definitely?

Yes! You were in the coca cola advert and the...

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Where do bears shit in the woods?

I don’t know, but apparently they use Charmin.

Three blondes are walking around. They suddenly stumble apron some tracks. The first blonde says "those are deer tracks" the send blonde says "those are wolf tracks!" The third blonde says" no, those are bear tracks!"

And then the train hit them

Teddy Bears

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.



There are three shelves in the be...

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.

…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.

Walking through the forest, an atheist hears a rustling in the bushes. Turning, he sees a massive grizzly charging towards him!

He runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls. As the bear raises a huge paw to strike, the atheist screams: "God! Help me!"

Time freezes. The bear becomes immobile, the forest is silent, and the river stops running. Then the atheist hears a powerful voice: "You have denied my ex...

Why are the Charmin bears so good at math?

They can multi-ply!

The bears who died and turned into skin carpets were probably surprised when it happened.

Their jaws dropped on the floor.

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A bear and a rabbit we're taking a shit in the woods.

The bear asked the rabbit. "Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur"? The rabbit said. "No", so the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

How did the hunter kill the polar bear?

He shot him right between the ice!

In the USA you can bear arms

In mother Russia we arm bears

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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forest, but they don't like each other.

One day, they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each. Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. Mr. Bear's second wish is that all the bears in the neighboring forests were female as well. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a mo...

Bear Grylls taught me that in an emergency situation, one can survive by drinking their own urine.

Thankfully Reddit came back on before I could fill the can

Where'd Fozzie Bear take his dog?

on a ***WAKKA WAKKA***

What is a polar bear?

It is a Cartesian bear in a different frame of reference.

A bear walks into a bar

Bear: ..................….…..................….…..................….…..................….…..................….…..................….…

Bartender: why the huge pause

I don't know why people are so scared of Polar bears?

Personally, I'm terrified of them Bi-polar bears. They keep assuring you they're only "curious" and then you wake up face down with your pants off and you never hear from 'em again.

How to defeat a polar bear in 3 easy steps

1. Cut a hole in the ice
2. Scatter frozen peas around the hole you made
3. When the polar bear stops to take a pea, kick him in the ice-hole

Where does a bear do its shopping?

The maul

A bear walks into a bar

A bear walks into a bar and says "Give me a rum and.............cola"

"Why the big pause?" asks the barman.

The bear shrugs and says "I dunno, I was born with them."

Do you know what sound a bear makes?

Growwwl!

--

Do you know what sound a bear makes when it's angry at an owl?

Grr Owl!

--

Do you know what sound a bear makes when it's angry at a Mexican?

Grr, Raoul!

My pistol saved my life from a Bear attack!

I was out with my girlfriend in the woods the other day, and suddenly a bear started running towards us. Luckily i had my trusty Colt on my side. I shot my girlfriend in the leg and i survived by running away. Thanks Colt for saving my life!

A bear is ordering lunch and he says “I’ll have a sandwich and a.....cola

The person taking his order asks”what’s with the big pause”
the bear says “I don’t know, I was born with them”

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Mama Bear Papa Bear and Baby Bear...

Are sitting at the table for breakfast. The Papa Bear says "my porridge is too hot!" And the Mama Bear says "my porridge is too cold!". The baby bear says "bitch bitch bitch, can't you guys ever be happy about anything?"

... As told by an 84 year old Italian man who was a patient of mine at...

A bear walks into a restaurant...

A bear walks into a restaurant and says 'I want a grilled.......... cheese.

The waiter says 'What's with the pause?'

The bear replies 'Whaddya mean, IM A BEAR.'

How did the gummy bear lose his leg?

He lost it in nom.

The bear in our local zoo is losing his eyesight, so the zookeeper decided to try some prescription glasses on him.

It’s quite a grizzly spectacle.

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Never say hello to a Brown bear's arse

You'll meet a grizzly end...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.

The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look...

An atheist goes for a walk in the woods.

“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked ...

Why aren't koalas considered bears?

Because they don't have the right koalafications?

NO! It's because they're marsupials. God.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a magical frog sees a bear chasing after a rabbit for dinner.

In an attempt to bring peace to his magical forest, the frog hops up to the two and promises them 3 wishes each if they stop this violence. After both animals agreed, the frog chooses the bear to state his first wish, first. After thinking for a while, the bear says, "I wish for all the bears in thi...

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A bear walks into a bar...

The bear says: “I’d like a whiskey and............................coke please.

Bartender says: “Why the big pause?”

Bear replies: “I was born with them.”

Edit:
Thanks for the upvotes! I actually lived this joke right before posting while making dinner for my kids (changed t...

Why arent koalas actual bears?

They dont meet the koalafications

I’ve seen this reposted many times but bear with me

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on Reddit.

Please post any animal jokes here. I am collecting outstanding animal jokes, or puns. Thank you.

Start it off with a classic.

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produce...

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Coming in from the snow one evening, a polar bear cub asked his mother, “Mom, am I 100% polar bear?“

His mother replied, “Yes, son! I am 100% polar bear and your father is 100% polar bear so that makes you 100% polar bear.“

Still not satisfied, the cub went to his father who gave him the same answer. “Of course, son! Both your grandmothers were 100% polar bear and both your grandfathers were...

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A bear is chasing a rabbit

Through the woods and stumble upon a magic lamp. A genie pops out and says "thank you for freeing me, I have granted you two the ability to communicate with. I will give both of you 2 wishes.". The bear speaks up first "I wish to have the biggest bear penis in the world." The genie looks to the rabb...

Scientists modified bears DNA to make them more humanlike.

Unfortunately the result was unbearable.

Have you heard about the smallest bear in the world?

They say his size is the bear minimum.

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear.

He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your...

I love laying naked on a bear skin rug in front of a fireplace.

But apparently there are rules against this at cracker barrel... -_-

::sigh:: foiled again!

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair

Fuzzy Wuzzy's matches on Grindr were pretty disappointed by this discrepancy.

A Bear walks into a bar...

The waiter says "What would you like"
The bears says"a burger and. Fries"
The waiter says" why the long pause."
The bear says "idk ive always had them"

A bear walks into McDonald’s

and goes to order at the cash register.

“What can I get for you, sir?” Asked the employee.

“I would like a Big Mac... ... ... ... ... ... and fries.”

“What’s with the big pause there, sir?”

The bear looks down, “Oh these? I was born with them.”

What is a polar bear’s favourite government agency?

I.C.E!

I'm totally into polar bears.

Some people call me crazy.

I'm completely Inuit.

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A polar bear cub comes home from school one day and says to his mother...

“Mom, are you sure I'm a purebred polar bear? I'm not part grizzly bear or anything?"

She says, "Of course you're 100% polar bear. I'm a polar bear, your dad's a polar bear, you're a polar bear."

The next day after school, he asks his father. "Dad, am I a purebred polar bear? Are you s...

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A man goes to get his wisdom teeth cut out

and the oral surgeon tells him he’s going to give him something for the pain. The man says I don’t need it the last time I felt pain was so intense I haven’t felt pain since. The oral surgeon takes this as a challenge and intentionally tries to hurt the man while he cuts his wisdom teeth out. When h...

A hungry talking bear walks into a bar...

Upon entering the bar, the bear grabs a woman and eats her in front of everyone. When finished, the bear walks up to the bartender and says "Give me a beer". The bartender replies "Sorry, we don't serve drug users in here." The bear shouts " What do you mean...I don't use drugs !" To which the barte...

If you know nothing about constellations at least learn Ursa Minor

...that's the bear minimum.

Bear Grylls: "Can we pause this interview? I got to take a pee break." *director agrees

Bear Grylls: "Thank god. I was damn thirsty."... \*opens a bottle of his own urine

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The hunt for bears

One day two friends decided to go hunting bears, they had all the equipment and they were ready to go.
After they got to the forest the first friend said:

"Should we have a plan for this? How will we find a bear?"

"That's easy.. We have our gun, we have our dog and we have our trail...

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Black Bear in Bar

A big black bear walks into a bar and orders a brown beer.

Bartender says, "we don't serve big black brown beers in this bar".

Bear says, "listen hear, I'm a big black bear and I want a brown beer, bartender" and the bear turns to the woman sitting next to him and eats her.

Bart...

How fast is a grizzly bear

Two guyes are hiking in the mountains. They stumble on an angry grizzly bear. The one guy bends down to tighten his shoelaces. What, asked the other guy, do you really think you can out run a grizzly bear? Nope, answered the first guy, but I know I can out run you

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Bear Grylls walks into an Aussie Pub

Bartender goes "what can I get you"

Bear Grylles, "its alright, I brought my own piss"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A baby polar bear asked his dad.

Am I pure polar bear?” The dad replies, “Sure you are. You are all polar bear, your parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear.” Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, “Mom, am I pure polar bear?” She answers, “Of course you are hon...

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A bear and a rabbit are pooping in the woods next to each other.

The bear looks over to the rabbit and says, "Does poop stick to your fur?"

The rabbit says, "Nope."

The bear reaches over, picks up the rabbit, and wipes his butt with the rabbit.

Why do polar bears only live at the north pole?

Because if they also lived at the south pole, they would be bipolar bears.

How do you keep bears out of your backyard?

You install goal posts.

Two bears are swimming in water, a black bear and a white bear. Which one dissolves?

The white one, because it's polar.

A bear walks into a bar...

And sits down on the last stool away from the door, the only available seat.
The bartender eventually works his way down to the bear. "Sorry, it's been a rough day. What'll it be?"
"I'll have a gin and... tonic."
"Why the long face?"
The bear looks confused. "Don't you mean 'Why the big ...

A bear walks into a bar

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells ...

An old bear is about to write in his journal... (Translated from Chinese)

And he finds that he has no more pages left, so he decides to go get a new one. It's already midnight but he goes out anyway. He gets on his bike and rides into the dark streets. After a long time, he finally finds a bookstore that's still open, so he goes inside. He finds a new journal that he real...

If you ever get attacked by a bear...

play dead it will be good practice for when you die a couple of minutes later.

BEAR ON A RAMPAGE

A bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing two hikes. They both start running for their lives, but then one of them stops to put on his running shoes.

His friends says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"

His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear; I only have t...

The lion is celebrating a party. All animals are invited, only the hamster is not.

The hamster does not want to miss the party and asks the rabbit: "Hey, rabbit, can´t you smuggle me in behind your big ears to the lion's party?" The rabbit´answers, "Nope, I'm not tired of life, if the lion noticed that, it would be my end."

The hamster then asks the fox: "Listen, fox, can´t...

What is a polar bears favourite thing to eat?

Burrrr - Gurrrrs.

What do you call an angry bear?

*Fur*ious!

A woman decides to go home with a guy she met at a club one night

He's tall, tanned, strikingly handsome, and seems different than most other guys she meets.

Upon arrival at his place they head straight to the bedroom where she can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears.

On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle shelf are medium-siz...

The white bear and the penguin tried to make their relationship work, but they couldn't.

They were polar opposites.

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins....

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