It's my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes... Why couldn't the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake?

Because he was already stuffed...

Sorry, I'll do better next year - definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!

I'm glad China only spread a virus and not a bear.

Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.

A bear walks into a bar and says "Give me a whiskey...... and a cola

The bartender says "why the big pause"
The bear said " I'm not sure i was born with them."

A Fox, a Rabbit and a Bear are about to be drafted into the military.

The Fox says “There is no way I’m the world I’m letting myself get drafted, we need to find a way for us to get excused. Are you guys with me?”
The Bear and the Rabbit agree.
The Fox, quickly thinking, suggests: “I’ll cut off my own tail. A Fox without a tail is useless, right?”
The Rabbit ...

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

I’m tired of people saying bears are like humans and that’s why you should care about the polar icecaps melting.

If bears were like humans they would be fine. The polar bears would steal land from the grizzly bears, have all the panda bears build them railroads. Send all the koala bears to Australia, all the gummy bears to San Francisco they’ll be fine. They’re start a country called Bearica and have a half bl...

An atheist is hiking in the woods...

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror "Oh God, help me!!!"

Suddenly, everything--> the bear, the trees, the birds, everything bu...

I accidentally played dad instead of dead when i encountered a bear

Now it can ride a bicycle without training wheels.

Why aren’t Koalas bears?

They don’t have the Koalafications

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:

“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the mi...

A bear walks into a restaurant.

A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, "I want a grilled …. cheese." The waiter says, "What's with the pause?"

"Whaddya mean?" the bear replies. "I'm a *bear*!"

Brown bears vs Grizzly bears

A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, “Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see an...

Me: I only got the bear essentials.

Wife: You mean bare essentials.

Me: *removes live salmon from mouth* I said what I said

Did you hear about the urologist that was eaten by a bear?

He was a meteorologist.

What do you call a bunch of chinese bears at an orgy?

A pandemonium.

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A bear walks into a bar...

First thing he does is gobble up the barmaid. Then he orders a beer. Bartender says sorry, we don't serve bears on drugs. The bear protests but the bartender says hey, that was the barbitchyouate.

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A rabbit and a bear find a genie in the woods

A bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods when they trip over a magic lamp. The genie pops out of the lamp and stops them both. He says, “I don’t know who called me out so I’ll give you each three wishes.”

The bear and rabbit both start thinking about their wishes and the bear looks at the...

There is a new strain of COVID that's infecting bears

It's a panda-mic!

What do you get if you mate a bear and a chihuahua?

a dead chihuahua and a dissatisfied bear

Polar bears used to be brown but through evolution, they turned white

because Police were shooting them



\-Mark Normand

Racing a bear

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second...

A magical teddy bear decided to go for a walk

The bear decided to walk down the street and he stumbled across an alley where he heard some weird sounds. Being a teddy bear, it figured no one would care if it saw them as long as it acted natural. So it went to see what was happening.

The bear noticed an infamous criminal beating a man to...

Where does a baby bear go to school?

In an ursary.

After the whole Goldilocks affair, the Bears were getting divorced. (long)

After the whole Goldilocks affair, the Bears were getting divorced.

Mama Bear didn't buy the whole "this bed's too hard, this bed's too soft, this bed's just right..." BS!

The judge was deciding on the custody arrangements for Baby Bear.

The judge asked Baby Bear, "Baby Bear do ...

What you say to the slow gummy bear?

Hurry bro!

What do you call a bear that likes to spend his summers at the north pole and his winters at the south?

a bi-polar bear.

Where do swedish bears sleep?

In their sweDEN.

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One day a bear has announced in the woods that every animal has to bring him meat tomorrow

And if any don't bring it he'll whip their back with his dick.


So the next day every animal in the woods lines up in front of bear's cave and leaves him a piece of meat, but the rabbit as he is weak and can't hunt he left him a carrot.


The bear angrily grabbed the little ...

Which bear is the most condescending?

A pan-duh!

When Hiking Near Bears. [long]

The National Park Rangers are advising hikers in Glacier National Park and other Rocky Mountain parks to be alert for bears and take extra precautions to avoid an encounter.

They advise park visitors to wear little bells on their clothes so they make noise when hiking. The bell noise allows...

Just read that Paddington Bear is very sick

Thankfully it isn’t COVID-19...but it is a really bad case of marmal-AIDS.

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A long time ago, a bear and a hare were fighting in the forest...

Suddenly a magic frog appeared and begged them to stop fighting. In return, the magic frog would grant the bear and the hare three wishes each. The bear and the hare agreed to the terms.

The bear started immediately: "I wish, I wish that all the bears in this forest, except me, will become fe...

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A Bear Walks Into A Bar

A bear walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

“We don’t serve beers to bears in this bar,” the bartender responds.

The bear points his muzzle at an old guy next to him, and tells the drink slinger, “If you don’t give me a beer, I’m going to maul that guy.”

The bartender shrugs, ...

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So a bear walks into a bar...

In Brooklyn there is a local ordinance that you can't serve beers to bears in bars in Brooklyn, so this bear walks into a bar in Brooklyn and orders a beer and the bartender goes, "whoa, your a bear, sorry I can't serve beers to bears in bars in Brooklyn."

To which the bear replies, "well I'm...

A bear and a pony walked onto the stage at a convention...

And the pony went up to the microphone and said, "Bear with me, I'm a little horse."

Fuzzy wuzzy was a bear, fuzzy wuzzy had no hair.

Fuzzy wuzzy had alopecia.

What bear always has a runny nose?

A drizzly bear.

Two bears are sprawled out in a forest, sweating profusely in the extreme summer heat

"I can't take this anymore," One bear says to the other, "It's *unbearable*!"

Papa Bear and Mama Bear are getting a divorce

You know Goldilocks and the 3 bears? Well mama bear and papa bear are getting a divorce. In court they bring in baby bear. The judge puts baby bear on the stand and asks him who he'd like to live with?

"Well not papa bear he beats me," says baby bear.

"So mama bear?" asks the Judge....

Three men go to heaven

At the gate into heaven St. Peter tells them, they can have everything they want as long as they do not step on a dark cloud. After that, they enter and have an amazing time.

But after a week the first comes up to the others with his leg in a bear trap. The others ask him:
"What happend?"<...

What do you call a bear that's lost an ear?

A b.

What do you call a bear that's lost both ears?

Anything you like, it can't hear you.

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Bear and a Rabbit talking about the toilet paper shortage,...

The bear says, "It sucks being out of toilet paper. Do you have a problem with crap sticking to your fur?

The rabbit says, "No, not really."

The bear says, "Thanks", and wipes his ass with the rabbit.

Gummy bear

Hardest thing in the world? Putting it in soft.

A man and his wife go into the delivery room to give birth. The doctor says, “we have this new machine, where by the flip of a switch, the father can bear some of the pain to ease the mother. Want to try?” The every supportive husband says “sure.”

So, the doctor sets it to 10% and asks the husband how he feels.

“Fine. You can turn it up.”

Surprised, the doctor goes to 20%.

“More. This is easy”

Soon enough, the doctor goes to 30%, then 40, 50, 60, all the way to 100%. “I’ve never gone past the 25% mark” says the d...

A cowboy challenges an renowned native american warrior to a bear hunt ..

The native guy accepts, so they pack up their tools. The cowboy takes 5 revolvers, 2 rifles and a bunch of knifes just in case. The native? Only one bow and just TWO arrows.

The cowboy is perplexed and has to ask:

Cowboy: "Are you sure 2 arrows are all you need?"

Native america...

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A bear and a rabbit stumbled upon a magical lamp in the forest...

They rubbed it and guess what, a genie appeared. He granted both of them 3 wishes each. The rabbit asked the bear to go first, becuase he knew the bear's playboy nature.

Bear: I wish to be the most handsome bear in the whole world.
Genie: Granted.
Rabbit: I want a motorbike.
Genie (...

Two scientists bring a polar bear to the South Pole

Two scientists bring a polar bear to the South Pole

Scientist 1: So this polar bear can survive in both the north *and* south poles?

Scientist 2: that’s correct. However, he’s prone to mood swings in the south

Scientist 1: maybe it’s his wife?

Scientist 2: or his husband...

From my 5 year old last night. I thought it was funny....but i'm easy. Why didn't the Teddybear finish his dinner?

Because he was stuffed!

Bear witness

Like Smokey watching a forest fire.

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A bear asks his rabbit friend if he ever gets poop stuck in his fur after pooping. Rabbit says no.

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

A bear walks into bar. Bartender asks, “What would you like to drink”? Bear says, “I’ll have a rum and coke...

My Boss: What’s the joke? I don’t get it.

Me: What do you mean you don’t get it? Just think about it.

My Boss: The Bear can talk?

Me: No, that’s not the joke.

My Boss: The Bear can walk into a bar?

Me: No, that’s not the joke either.

My Boss: The Bear likes ...

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Bear escaped from the zoo

Bear escaped from the zoo. No one can find it.

Finally, grandma calls 911: - Oh, a bear got into my yard and climbed on a tree! Take it away, I'm scared!!

A man comes with a small dog, gives grandma a rifle, points out at the dog and says: - Grandma, this is Biscuit. I'm going to clim...

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I met a bipolar bear at my therapist's office.

He was complaining why there were no lgbt rallies near the arctic circle.

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A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.

The bear turns to the rabbit and asks "Do you ever have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit shakes his head, so the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

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A baby polar bear asks his mom

"Momma am I 100% polar bear?"

"Of course you're 100% polar bear" she answers "go ask your father."

So he asks "Daddy am I a 100% polar bear?"

"Of course you're 100% polar bear.
I'm 100% polar bear, your mom's 100% polar bear.
Her parents are 100% polar bear,
my pare...

Bear joke my co-worker told me

So a man and his three friends are sitting in a bar, one of them says to the others

“im the greatest bear hunter there ever was”

2 of the 3 friends disagree and say

“no way i am”

an argument breaks out until the 4th man who said nothing pipes up and says

“i ha...

So a Bear walks into a bar...

The bear says "I'll take a large rum...











and a coke."

The bartender says "Hey man, why the big paws?"

Polar bear asks mama bear

Son: Mom are you a polar bear?

Mother: Yes son im a polar bear.

Son: Mom is my father a polar bear?

Mother: You father is a polar bear too.

Son: Hmmm, Is my grandfather a polar bear?

Mother (answers nervously): Yes son your grandfather is a polar bear and whole f...

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3 Wishes for Bear and Rabbit

Bear and Rabbit are walking in the woods when suddenly they come upon a magical lamp. They rub the lamp and a genie appears. "You have set me free," the genie says, "and I will grant you each 3 wishes."

Bear is excited, he goes first. "I wish I were young again."

"Granted," says Genie,...

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A bear and a hare suddenly found a genie in the forest

The genie says: "Ok, guys, since there are two of you and I'm feeling a bit generous, I grant each of you three wishes. Ask me anything!"
The bear asks in disbelief: "You really can grant any wish? Like anything I want?"
"Sure", the genie says
"The I want all the male bears in this whole fo...

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Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.....

....He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or w...

A bear walks into a bar.

He says to the bartender, "I'll have a..................beer."

The bartender responds, "What's with the big pause?"

The bear holds up his arms and says, "Always had 'em."

What did the man say when he dined at a restaurant filled with bears ?

“The service was unbearable”

Woman asks her husband, “What are you trying to do thrusting yourself into that little plastic bear?”

Man replies “Nuttin’ Honey”

Do you want to know what happened to the suicidal teddy bear?

He couldn't do it he was too soft.

What do you call a bear who lives in the arctic and is attracted to both men and women?

A bi-polar bear

A bear walks into a bar, the bartender freezes in shock.

The bear takes a seat at the counter while the bartender stares. The bear looks at him and says, "Hey pal, how ya doing? Can I get a Martini? House vodka, please." Bewildered and in awe at a talking bear in his bar, the bartender finally spits out, "Uh, yeah. Yes, of course," and starts making it. H...

A panda bear walks into a bar...

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The panda eats the sandwich, whips out a pistol, and shoots the waiter dead. As he is walking towards the exit, the bartender yells “HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING? YOU DIDNT PAY FOR THAT SANDWICH AND YOU JUST SHOT MY WAITER!”

The panda bear just...

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If I ever find that bastard who screwed up my limb transplants...

...I'm going to kill him with my bear hands.

bear on cabin

so a man wakes up and goes out to his porch, he freaks out because his sees a bear sitting on top of his cabin. he goes inside and calls animal control. a little while passes and van shows up. Out steps a man and an mean old looking pitbull. the man point out the bear to the animal control guy and h...

How do you fight a bear?

Dad giving advice to his son "if you're hiking and a 9 foot grizzly rears up, you just reach back, grab a handful of sh\*t and throw it in the bear's eyes. Then run."


Son "Where do you get the sh\*t from?"


"Trust me, it'll be there."

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A bear and a rabbit stumble upon a fairy

"You both get three whishes granted", says the fairy. The bear does not need to think for long and says: "I want to be compelling to all female bears in this entire forest!"

"Ok," says the fairy, "and what is your wish, little rabbit?"

"I'd like a beautiful and strong helmet, which fit...

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The old man and the bear.

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said,

"See that old man asleep in the chair by the fire- place? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."...

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What do you call a polar bear that exhibits rapid mood swings like that of a manic depressive, can live in both the arctic and antarctic, and shows equal sexual attraction to both male and female partners?

A bipolar bi-polar bi polar bear.

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A magical frog, a bear, and a rabbit

Once there was a magical frog in a forest. He woke up one morning and said to himself, “Today I’m going to be generous. I will grant 3 wishes to the first 2 animals I see.” He goes outside and he sees a bear. Soon after he sees a rabbit.

The frog calls over the bear and the rabbit, and he tel...

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A bear and a rabbit are in the woods

A bear and a rabbit are in the woods, and they’re both taking a dump.

All of a sudden the bear turns to the rabbit and says, “pardon me, but do you have problems with poop sticking to your fur?”

And the rabbit says, “Why no, I don’t.”

So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit.

The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

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A bear walks into a bar, and sees that there isn’t a single spot at the bar available

He walks up to a seat, eats the woman sitting there in a single bite, and sits down.

He orders a drink and the bartender shakes his head, “Sorry, we don’t serve bears on drugs.”

“I’m not on drugs,” the bear replies.

“Well, that was just a bar bitch you ate!”

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It makes sense that the Right to Bear Arms is the 2nd amendment

If the 1st amendment is, “I should be able to say whatever the fuck I want”

Then it makes sense that the founding fathers said, “Oh ya, I should probably have a gun too”

Why do bears have a fur coat

Because they would look silly in a sweater (I got that from my grandpa)

So Two Blondes are stand on a pair of Tracks

So two blondes are standing on a pair of tracks arguing, “They’re deer tracks”, “No They’re Bear Tracks “

Half a Hour a later they get hit by a train

I studied Bears in college

I was an Ursa Major.

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, “1500+hp Porsche 917/30. It cost half a million dollars!”

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to ...

People tend to give teddy bears as gifts for Valentine's Day.

The standard teddy or panda bears seem popular this year. I've got my girlfriend a koala bear because she loves them.

Plus, I don't know a better way to tell her that I've got chlymidia.

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A man with a 25 inch penis...

Was having a hard time getting laid so he goes to the doctor. The doctor said “No, I’m sorry but you will have to go to a surgeon”. The man goes to the surgeon and the surgeon said “ Sorry there’s nothing I can do but you can try a witch doctor”. So the man thought at this point he might as well giv...

I met a bear in a forest

I said hi honey

The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.



The FBI people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive in...

I had a dream last night that I was mauled by a bear.

It was pretty grizzly.

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Two Friends graduate together from a college. One of them becomes a businessman and the other becomes a forest officer

After a few years, the forest officer (FO) invites the businessman(BM) to visit him in the jungles of which he was incharge. The BM agrees at once and arrives at the forest within a week. They talk about old days and everything and then the FO takes him out to the jungle for a tour. A kilometer insi...

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The rare talking koala bear was lost in transit..

From Austrailia to the New York zoo. He wandered down a back alley and saw a sexy lady in heels and a short skirt smoking a cigarette.

She was shocked when he asked her for one of her cigarettes. "Omg you can talk?"

After talking she invited him inside and before she knew it he was up ...

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A Texas Man Moves To Alaska

So a Texas man moves to Alaska to find more oil for his company to drill. Here gets bored one night and goes to a local bar. The man sees "Impossible Challenge: Free beer for life for the winner!", out of curiosity he asks the bartender about it. "Hey bartender, what's the challenge?" The man asked....

"Someone slept on my bed" -Said Mommy Bear

"Who hasn't " -Muttered Daddy Bear

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As a vampire I cannot bear direct sunlight, which is why I moved to Scotland

But now I can't find any virgins!

-- Frankie Boyle

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Two economists are walking through the woods and walk past a pile of bear shit.

The First Economist says to the Second Economist, "I'll pay you $100 to eat that pile of bear shit". The Second economist does and they continue their walk. They walk past another pile of bear shit and the Second Economist says to the First Economist, "I'll pay you $100 to eat that pile of bear shit...

Two bears walk into a bar...

The first bear looked over to the other bear and signaled them to come talk.
The other bear turned them down because they're only into twinks.

How much does a polar bear weigh?

Enough to break the ice. Hi my name's Andy

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A bear is walking through the woods

A bear is walking through the woods and notices a small white rabbit taking a dump.

The rabbit sees the bear, and gets a little scared – understandable, it’s a bear. The bear stops and looks at the rabbit. The rabbit looks back. Then the bear speaks –

“Hello, Mr. Rabbit!”

The ra...

Fozzy Bear was in Star Wars

He was an Ewokka-wokka

I can’t bear it

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.

Finally, their request was granted and they immediately...

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