UPJOKE
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Imagine missing a payment on a TESLA,

and the car drives itself back to the dealership.

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

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Will Smith had to stand up for Jada. Imagine how hard it is knowing your wife can't have her hair

pulled during sex with other men

Hey, imagine if there was something you could put in your body that could let you see a whole new layer of existence and change your perception of reality?

Bro, that would be dope.

Imagine asking a blind girl out in braille

and she leaves you on felt

I never imagined Chris Rock getting slapped on national television…

But I guess if there’s a Will, there’s a way.

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Imagine having 12 boobs

Sounds weird dozen tit?

Imagine dating a bodybuilder and...

It doesn't work out. :)

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Can you imagine getting 72 virgin when you go to heaven?

The first half-dozen or so will be nice, but after that, I'm going to want a pro.

Can you imagine Jesus doing a crossword puzzle?

And getting stuck on 2 across..

Imagine the greatest blues saxophonist and the best jazz guitarist go for dinner, who pays?

Neither. You don't have to pay at the soup kitchen.

Imagine a Coin Machine, that doesn't make coins.

It doesn't make any cents!

Could you imagine taking a punch from someone that played Muhammad Ali, a boxing legend, in a movie??

Chris got lucky it was just a slap! Good thing Will's fist was as open as his marriage.

I am not smart enough to make a topical joke about how Jada Smith likes younger men, but I have to imagine that...

...if there is a Will, there is a way.

Imagine if Elon Musk got married to Bill Gates and took his name...

Yeah no, you're right... 'Elon Gates' is a stretch.

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As a teacher, one of the things I used to dread most was seeing one of my students out in public. So imagine my surprise when I saw 18 year old Kristen out one Saturday night in a 21 and over establishment. She saw me at the same time, came over and loudly asked, "What the heck are YOU doing here?!"

I said, "Well, I'm a functioning alcoholic, it's Saturday night, and I am 32 years old. So I really think the better question here is... how much are the lap dances?"

I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella.

But he hesitated.

Imagine people still calling it pound rather...

The #metoo movement would be such a weird to get behind...

Old army joke

A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.

“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”

“I was told there was.”

“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”

“I’m pretty sure there is.”

The private thinks about it for a moment. “Well...

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A man enters a pub, walks up to have a seat at the bar, and then pulls out a three-inch tall leprechaun from his front shirt pocket to set it on the bar top.

The man looks at the bartender and says, "Yo, I'd like to get a beer for me and an Irish wine for my little pal here!"


The bartender returns with the drinks in short time. The man drinks his beer, the leprechaun drinks all the Irish wine from the bottle. Only for it to suddenly stop in ...

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A man goes with a hooker…

“How much is it to do it at my place?” “It’s 500, but you come to my place instead.”

The man agrees. When they arrive, the hooker shows him the entire apartment complex and tells him: “See all these apartments? I bought them with this mouth!”

The man is amazed, and as they pass by to...

There were so many people at my house today without masks and social distancing, imagine the stench…

Lucky I haven’t been able to smell anything in the past few days…

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

Imagine if jesus had been born a Siamese twin...

...it would have been the perfect double cross!

Imagine a man, lying down...

... as men are prone to do

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Imagine telling someone you're bisexual.

Pessimist: That doubles the number of people who are going to reject you.

Optimist: That doubles the number of people you can date.

Realist: 2 times 0 is still 0.

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I was walking through the park,

When these two kids started verbally abusing me. So I told them off.

Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is 8 you stupid fucking Prick. ...

An Old Couple has Memory Problems

They both continually struggle with short term memory issues, forgetting their keys, glasses and everything else you could possibly imagine!

One day they went to the doctors to ask him what they could do. He told them that one of the best things they can do is write everything down. Not only ...

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Imagine a wilderness scene, a flowing river and critters running around There is a fly, buzzing above the river, but what he don’t know is that there is a fish watching him, thinking “That fly is gonna drop 6 in. And I’m gonna jump up and get em, and have myself a good meal”

But the fish don’t know that there is a bear watching him thinking

“That fly is gonna drop 6 in. Fish is gonna eat the fly, I’m gonna get the fish, and have myself a good meal”

But the bear don’t know that there is a hunter watching him, eating a sandwich, and the hunter thinks

...

Dog attack

A guy limps up to a bar. "What happened to you?" the bartender asks. "On the walk over here I was attacked and bitten on the leg by this giant dog," the guy says. "Oh, no! Imagine if it had been a small child!" the bartender exclaims. "Well, I think I could have fought off a small child, Gary," the...

My dad always says not to crank the car radio too high or I'll go deaf. Imagine if that happened.

I would never hear the end of it.

A man dies and ends up at the gates

A being shows him an elevator and explained "on the first level, you will see a woman. You can choose to get off, or continue upward"

So he goes to the first floor and sees a woman, who isn't very attractive. She says "you can choose to get off, or carry on to success"

The man continue...

A death toll too high to imagine

On September 29th 2006 President George W. Bush receives a briefing from one of his staff

"Mr. President, we've just received reports of a commercial plane crash in south America, 154 Brazilian people died."

"Oh my God, that's terrible..." The president replies solemnly, thinking quiet...

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On Air Confession

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or serio...

Thinking of changing my name to “Authorized Personnel”

Imagine the places I could go with a name like that.

Jokes about deaf people are NEVER acceptable.

Imagine how they’d feel if they heard those jokes about them?

Cohen Nails

Old man Cohen had immigrated to America and achieved the dream.

He started his own successful nail company. There are two kinds of people he felt, those who built the world and those who just benefited from it. So he was worried about his son as he handed over the business on retiring.
<...

Imagine a pirate with a prosthetic breast.

That’d be funny, wooden tit

Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you.

That's the punch line.

Imagine that the next US president is a married woman

Would we call her husband a first ladyboy?


pls laugh I'm so depressed

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My coworker came up to me yesterday and said he had a question for me

He asked, “Imagine you walk into a room with 50 naked dudes. How many of their penises would you choke on?”

“What the hell?” I reply “None of them!”

“Oh so you’re a professional?”

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They say size doesn't matter

But imagine how many lives would be saved if putin had normal size dick.

Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server?

That would be Hillaryous.

Edit: My first reddit silver! Thank you kindly!

Edit2: reddit gold?! You all are too good to me!

Adam was standing in the garden of Eden.

Adam: "God, I'm lonely. None of these animals are fit for me."

God: "Well how about I make you a helper? She can be human just like you!"

Adam: "Really?"

God: "Yeah! She'll be perfect! Her beauty will take your breath away! She'll never complain! She'll be strong, but gentle; co...

Alcohol

If alcohol can damage your short term memory imagine the damage alcohol can do

Stephen Wilhite, creator of the GIF format, has died at 74.

I can only imagine the jrief his family is going through.

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Three guys are waiting in line to get into Heaven.

St. Peter calls out to thee tree guys: "We don't have a lot of space in Heaven, so who ever tells be the most interesting death stories will get in!" The first man walks up and begins his story. "I came home one day from a bad day to find my wife naked on the bed. I suspected that she was cheating w...

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Too bad punctuations couldn’t fight each other. Imagine a match between “.” and “:”

I’d pay to see that bloody shit.

Mix up

An old man suddenly arrived in Hell in a burst of flames, looking lost and confused
The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man all my life.”
...

Imagine you are a bus driver.

At the first station 17 people entered the bus, at the second station, 8 people entered and 6 people left. At the fourth station 12 people entered and 14 people left. Then at the last station 17 people left the bus.
How old was the bus driver?

My friend looked me dead in the eyes and went "Imagine if you were half horse."

"You would be the centaur of attention."

My girlfriend left me because she said that I imagine things

At least now I don't have to make a girl's voice

A vampire walks into a grocery shop and asks for a bread.

The clerk looks at him and asks: 'Aren't you a vampire?'
The vampire says: 'Yes, I am.'
To that the clerk responds: 'Oh, then I have much better stuff for you than bread. I have bloody sausages, nice fresh liver, duck blood, pork blood - whatever you want!'
The vampire replies: 'No, thank...

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Imagine if your roommate made you watch a movie and left 10 mins into it. Dick move, right?

My point is old people shouldn't get to vote

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Imagine having sex with a genuine tree nymph.

That'd be strange. Wooden tit.

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My wife says she can't imagine getting intimate with anyone else.

That's how much I have put her off sex.

George R.R. Martin (OC)

I met George R.R. Martin at a book signing a while back. It was very early in the morning and there weren’t that many people around, so I actually had the opportunity to chat with him a bit. I told him I’m a huge fan of his works, and that he’s always been an idol of mine, and that he inspired me to...

My heart sank when i received a text from my gf " I can't take this anymore,let's break up "

You can imagine the tears of joy I had when i received a follow up message

"Sorry ,wrong number"

Oh, you´re surprised Jeff Epstein committed suicide?

Imagine how surprised Jeff must have been.

Imagine yourself as a place where horses stay.

Now you’re mentally a stable.

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A man walking his dog comes across an old man sat on a park bench sobbing

He walks up to him out of concern, and says "Is everything OK?".

The old man says "Well not really".

"What's wrong?" says the man?

"Well a couple of weeks ago, I married this 30 year old exotic dancer. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. Every morning, she wakes me up...

I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toasts. It was then I realized...

...I'd accidentally ordered Avogadro's Toast.

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight...

“This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do yo...

A man with a clipboard walks up to a passer by on the high street.

“Excuse me sir, are you free to help with a survey I’m conducting?”

“Of course” says the man. “What’s it about?”

“My company is trying to survey what someone might like to hear as words of encouragement when they have indigestion. Please can you tell me what you would say to someone in...

Here in missouri.

We call it the midwest, but looking at a map you’ll notice that it’s more east than west. It made me wonder why we call it the Midwest, but then I realized that we are mostly a red state, and I can’t imagine those folks wanting to call it the Mideast.

Yesterday I donated my phone and wallet to a poor guy and you can't imagine how happy I felt..

..when I saw him put his gun back in his pocket.

Imagine how happy barn owls were ....

when people finally started making barns.

Being a baby must be scary.

Imagine going to sleep and waking up in Walmart.

It's summer 2022

The war has ended as Putin saw all celebrities singing "Imagine" and he promptly got his troops back to Russia. The first tourist arriving at Kyiv Airport and visiting the capital city under reconstruction. When they exit the airport, the first thing they see is a statue of the fallen soldiers, the ...

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A coworker of mine comes up to me

He says, “What’s up man? I have a question for you”

“Ok” I reply

“Imagine you go camping with some other guys. One night you all are doing a lot of drinking. You wake up in the morning with your pants down to your ankles and Vaseline in your butthole. Would you tell any body about tha...

Imagine making a belt out of a bunch of $100 bills tied together

That would be a huge waist of money.

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Can you imagine the headlines if Bruce Willis dies from a viagra overdose.

Bruce Willis dies hard.

History is a lot like Imagine Dragons...

It's repetitive, never really good, and somehow only getting worse.

Imagine if people started calling DPs as PPs (short for profile picture)

"OMG your PP is so cute!!"

"Your PP sucks, change it asap"

"Drag and Resize your PP to fit the frame"

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, t...

A man dies and is waiting to be transported to heaven

He asks Death about what happens next. Death replies "YOU WERE A GOOD MAN ON EARTH , YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN , WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY ETERNAL YOUTH , YOU CAN DO BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT , ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES ". The man thinks to himself, "that's wonderful", and settles down for the journey....

Imagine eating a clock...

That'd be time consuming.

Can you imagine to drive for miles and miles on the wrong side of the road without even realizing it?

Well, I can't, but the English are supposedly very good at it.

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If you're concerned about your new partner's sexual history, and you don't want to catch genital warts, imagine you're playing chess, not craps.

So don't roll the dice. Check first, and then mate.

Imagine you are put into a room completely naked full of weird creatures that look nothing like you and all they want to do is touch you.

That my friend is the life of a dog.

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