Imagine that the next US president is a married woman

Would we call her husband a first ladyboy?


pls laugh I'm so depressed

Imagine NOT being a failure to your parents

Then step back into reality

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Imagine having 12 boobs

Sounds weird dozen tit?

Imagine you are a bus driver.

At the first station 17 people entered the bus, at the second station, 8 people entered and 6 people left. At the fourth station 12 people entered and 14 people left. Then at the last station 17 people left the bus.
How old was the bus driver?

Imagine missing a payment on a TESLA,

and the car drives itself back to the dealership.

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…

There would be mass confusion.

I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella.

But he hesitated.

Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you.

That's the punch line.

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Imagine having sex with a genuine tree nymph.

That'd be strange. Wooden tit.

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Unexpectedly, an artist's wife started having sex with him every day.

Though quite unusual, he didn't question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride.

One day, his wife approached him. "Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What should I draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her,...

Can you imagine to drive for miles and miles on the wrong side of the road without even realizing it?

Well, I can't, but the English are supposedly very good at it.

Imagine eating a clock...

That'd be time consuming.

Imagine yourself as a place where horses stay.

Now you’re mentally a stable.

Imagine you're in a dark room how do you find the exit?

Stop imagining.

Imagine making a belt out of a bunch of $100 bills tied together

That would be a huge waist of money.

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Has anyone ever tried something they saw in a porno and it ended up not workin out aw well as you imagined?

Turns out plumbing is a lot harder than it looks. And so is pissing into your own mouth

History is a lot like Imagine Dragons...

It's repetitive, never really good, and somehow only getting worse.

I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toasts. It was then I realized...

...I'd accidentally ordered Avogadro's Toast.

What do anti-vaxxers do at Covid-19 funerals?

Stare at the ceiling.
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**Thank you** /u/JustNick4 for giving this joke the extremely desirable **Evil Cackle Award**. I've never won an Evil Cackle Award before, so as you can imagine, I'm over the moon. I'm going to put it in the candy bowl every Halloween for the neighbor kids ...

Imagine watching the election to know if you have job tomorrow or not

That’s how it feels like to be Melania’s divorce Attorney

Imagine my shock when I got home to find my husband had replaced his feet with wheels and was wearing a funnel on his head.

I'd never even suspected he was a trainsvestite.

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crosswo...

Imagine you are put into a room completely naked full of weird creatures that look nothing like you and all they want to do is touch you.

That my friend is the life of a dog.

Imagine a group of scientists have forcibly tied you down and begun extracting thoughts directly from your brain for study. How should you react in this situation?

Don’t stress too much. It’s just a thought experiment.

A physicist holds up a piece of paper and says, now imagine we live here...

The flatearther responds, now you're making sense.

Imagine this

You're watching a movie late at night in your house, when suddenly you hear a noise. You walk downstairs to investigate. You hear a sound coming from the outside of your door. You hear:

"Hello, this is the lockpickinglawyer, and today I'll be showing you how to open a Prime-Line Chain Door Gu...

Imagine if roosters laid eggs.

So many dad yolks at our disposal.

Imagine if people started calling DPs as PPs (short for profile picture)

"OMG your PP is so cute!!"

"Your PP sucks, change it asap"

"Drag and Resize your PP to fit the frame"

Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server?

That would be Hillaryous.

Edit: My first reddit silver! Thank you kindly!

Edit2: reddit gold?! You all are too good to me!

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Try to imagine a woman with six pairs of breasts.

Looks good, dozen tit?

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I think I'm going to lose my driver's license...

and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Ima...

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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the ...

A man is at the funeral of an old friend.

He hesitantly approaches the deceased's wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears his throat and says, "Plethora."

The widow smiles appreciatively. "Thank you," she says. "That means a lot."

Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a word too?" She sa...

Imagine believing at zodiac signs and horoscopes

That's such a Cancer thing to do.

Imagine the US switched to the metric system.

Everyone would be kilogramming your mom.

Imagine how happy barn owls were ....

when people finally started making barns.

Imagine if we started replacing 'i' with 'li'

It would be lit.

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Guy: *lifts gallon* Yeah it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Guy: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

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Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

Imagine finally surviving Covid19...

then China just releases Covid19S Plus Pro Max.

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If you're concerned about your new partner's sexual history, and you don't want to catch genital warts, imagine you're playing chess, not craps.

So don't roll the dice. Check first, and then mate.

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Can you imagine the headlines if Bruce Willis dies from a viagra overdose.

Bruce Willis dies hard.

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Never exchange material with another comedian

I made the mistake of asking a friend of mine if we could do each other's material for one night; I'd do a bit written and previously performed by my friend and my friend would do a bit written and previously performed by me. You can imagine my chagrin when I had to get up on the stage and start wit...

imagine how terrible a granddaughter you have to be

to visit your grandma so infrequently that you can't tell if it's a wolf dressed in her clothes and not her

I was diagnosed with aphantasia today.

I can't imagine how it's going to affect my life really.

Imagine if there were a pill you could take that let you fly, but the side effects gave you cancer

Cancer cases would skyrocket

You can imagine my surprise when I saw James Bond making burgers in the park

I guess he had a licence to grill

Can you just imagine how pterosaurs felt seeing that meteor entering the earths atmosphere?

Probably pterofied.

My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, “Can you imagine being that strong?”

So I picked up the leaf and said, “Yes.”

Yesterday I donated my phone and wallet to a poor guy and you can't imagine how happy I felt..

..when I saw him put his gun back in his pocket.

I would imagine when quarantines over, all aquariums will put out signs that say

"O-FISH-ally Open."

I could never be Prime Minister. Imagine the thousands of people below you, looking to you for inspiration.





It's like being a great grandfather in a Muslim family

If you thought alcohol was bad for your short term memory...

...just imagine what alcohol will do!

A world with the undead

Imagine a world where zombies exist, but they're not dangerous. Just like you and I every day, except they eat brains.
The government has decided that humans can donate their organ to zombies for consumption.
Everything is pretty much back to normal.

A man and a woman end up going on...

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal,

and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on Reddit.

Imagine if lightning hit a sub-station

The results would be electrifying

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Rabbi Eliezer was the most brilliant Rabbi of all time...

Nevertheless, his fellow Rabbis would often disagree with his opinions, leading to lengthy philosophical and theological debates.

During one debate on the subject of the legal minutiae of a religious ritual he found himself at odds with three of his colleagues. While everyone recognized that ...

All flights from John Lennon Airport are cancelled.

Imagine all the people.

Poor Dave ...

Poor Dave had spent his life making wrong decisions. If he bet on a horse, it would lose. If he chose one elevator rather than another, it was the one he chose that stalled between floors. The line he picked before the bank teller's cage never moved. And so it went, day after day, year after year. T...

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life...

...when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a...

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Can you imagine how awesome ancient Roman porn names would be?

"Anus Maximus Vaginus"

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Imagine to surviving all the unprotected sex

Only to die of unprotected handshakes.

I imagined the final strike. With a 300 point score, onlookers cheering my perfect game...

It was mind-bowling.

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My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and u...

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Gingerbread house (long)

Me and my good friend John went camping one time, but after we left our campsite for a walk we got lost. After two weeks of walking around the forest, trying to find our way out, or at least something to eat, we stumble onto a little meadow with a gingerbread house in the middle.

As you can i...

My girlfriend left a note on my new PS5 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working"...

Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.

I had a vision of a disaster. I'm going to die in a car crash on the way home from holiday today, along with my friend and girlfriend. On the bright side, we all lived blessed lives and will be going to heaven. St. Peter, of course, still mans the gates, and gives us a warm welcome. There's ducks.

He explains that in heaven, we have limitless paradise and can do anything our hearts desire, but that there's only one rule we must obey. "You see, God made all creatures with love, but he kinda loves ducks the most. They're his absolute favorite creature."

We can tell. There's ducks *everyw...

Could you imagine the world if we all turned out to be nocturnal..

the difference is night and day.

Donald Trump answers the question: What is 2+2?

Donald Trump answers the question: What is 2+2?


"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, "What's 2+2"? And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of...

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Can you imagine a world without women?

It would be a big pain in the ass.

Imagine if honey was regurgitated through a bee’s nose rather than it’s mouth

Then it really would be the bee’s sneeze

A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.

“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”

“I was told there was.”

“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”

“I’m pretty sure there is.”

The private thinks about it for a moment. “Well, Major, if I may ask you a question, imagine you took the word ‘rifle’ and removed the...

My 3 year old's knock knock joke - innocence shattered

3 yr old: Knock Knock Daddy!

Me: Who's there?

3 yr old: (excitedly waving around their fork heaped with spaghetti and slinging sauce everywhere) Fork!

Me: Fork who?

*wife and I lock eyes; we each slowly make "the face" as we realize what is about to come out of our 3 yea...

So there was this kid who was lazy and couldnt wake up early..

His mom wanted to teach him a lesson about the benefits of waking up early.

She said: Son, i am going to tell you a little story and then i want you to tell me what did you learn from it ok?

Son: Ok

Mom: imagine two birds. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to f...

Could you imagine a game about jokes that have item drops and the rarest item in the game is known as “the punchline” which has a drop chance of 1/100000?

Friend: “hey Jordan, what you up to?”

Me: “I’ve been playing this joke game for two years and I still haven’t gotten the punchline.”

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A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of streetwalkers

Every day as he passes them, they wave at him with their pinkies and say, "Hi there, little boyyy". One day the boy stops and asks one of them why they always wave at him with their pinkies. She replies, "Well... that's what size we imagine your penis to be. It's just a joke!"

The next day on...

I like to imagine supreme court is just like regular court...

but with tomatoes and sour cream.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

**ME:** That’s beautiful.

**CARL DOUGLAS:** Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

**ME:** No, you’re right, that’s better. Carl’s is better.

A couple of years ago Barry went hiking across Europe

But as time passed by he never returned home. His many friends tried contacting him in any way they could imagine, but his phone was disconnected, he wasn't active on his social media accounts anymore - it was like he disappeared off the face of the Earth.

Ultimately, everyone had forgotten a...

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