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Can you imagine how awesome ancient Roman porn names would be?

"Anus Maximus Vaginus"

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.

There would be mass confusion.

Yesterday I donated my phone and wallet to a poor guy and you can't imagine how happy I felt..

..when I saw him put his gun back in his pocket.

Imagine a Condom that’s 100% safe..

Actually, never mind. That’s inconceivable.

My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, “Can you imagine being that strong?”

So I picked up the leaf and said, “Yes.”

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

**ME:** That’s beautiful.

**CARL DOUGLAS:** Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

**ME:** No, you’re right, that’s better. Carl’s is better.

Imagine a nascar fan. The image that comes to mind is probably that of a brutish, beer guzzling, loud mouth, hairy, unwashed, unshaven, redneck

And her husband.

Imagine being single on Valentine’s Day

Joke’s on you, I don’t have to imagine

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Imagine a wilderness scene, a flowing river and critters running around

There is a fly, buzzing above the river, but what he don’t know is that there is a fish watching him, thinking

“That fly is gonna drop 6 in. And I’m gonna jump up and get em, and have myself a good meal”

But the fish don’t know that there is a bear watching him thinking

“That fl...

Imagine Hollywood is making a feature film about creating the perfect meal

In the first act of the movie, they go through many trials and tribulations to decide on what bread they should use. Eventually they decide on tortilla

The second act, they’re now plotting on what should go IN the bread. Meat, veggies, maybe neither.

Finally, the third act. now they j...

I like to imagine that Little Debbie has been eating her cakes over the past several years...

She’s probably had to change her name to Debra by now

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Imagine if King Midas touched his wife...

... while having sex.

That’ll be fucking gold.

Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server?

That would be Hillaryous.

Edit: My first reddit silver! Thank you kindly!

Edit2: reddit gold?! You all are too good to me!

My wisdom will kill me one day

I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle, bought a bottle of whisky and put it in the bicycle basket

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the whisky before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very...

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I like to imagine speaking, people listening, then laughter.

My therapist said is this your idea of a joke?

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A man walked into his doctor's office...

...complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.

"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring an apple, and an orange and a Mars Bar" said the doctor.

D...

Coronavirus update: Everyone at John Lennon airport has been quarantined.

Imagine all the people

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So, we sometimes pee accidentally when we poop. Just imagine how bad it would be if that got reversed for everyone one fine day.

Every male would have a really shitty day.

i can’t imagine what the people of the titanic were thinking when they struck the iceberg

they probably had a sinking feeling if i had to guess

Can you imagine The Titanic with a lisp?

It’s unthinkable.

This year for Halloween, I’m dressing up as the scariest thing I can imagine

Myself, but more successful

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Imagine being American, paying a shitton for Healthcare....

... And then never getting sick. What a sad life

I told my wife that I couldn't imagine myself happily married with anyone else.

No matter how hard I tried.

Imagine being a social creature that's bad at socializing.

Oh wait. I don't have to

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Can you imagine a world without women?

It would be a big pain in the ass.

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little frisky. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her: “Honey, would you take me upstairs?”

Horrified, she replies: “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”

“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?” he asks, grinning at her.

“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

“Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”


“No way. It’s just too ri...

Women can receive up to $8,000 for donating their eggs. Can you imagine if men were compensated the same amount for their donation?

I’d have a sock at home worth $72,000

Imagine all the things we could do if we didn't have to sleep

I could do so much with those extra 2 hours a day.

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal,

and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on Reddit.

Gotta respect the people of Hong Kong for standing up and fighting the power. Can you imagine what life would be like under a dictatorship?

Can you imagine what life would be like under a dictatorship? They could let 1% of the people have the vast majority of the nation’s wealth. They could ignore the needs of the poor for health-care and education. They could help their rich friends get richer by cutting their taxes and bailing them ou...

Imagine being in a room

Imagine being completely naked in a room where everyone is several times your height, everyone speaks a foreign language, and they all want to touch you.

This is the life of a dog.

When I was a kid, my dad and I went to the zoo to see the birds.

I loved birds as a kid, and really wanted one as a pet. I would spend hours looking through picture books about birds, studying their plumage, learning all that I could. So when the day came that my dad took me to the zoo to see the bird enclosure, I was really excited.

I had read about the...

Imagine that you're stuck in a locked room with no windows, no key, no tools, not even a door. How do you get out?

Stop imagining it.

A tree's first winter must be terrifying.

Imagine the releaf they feel in spring.

The perfect woman

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous ...

If you are surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide

Imagine how surprised he must have been

Imagine a cow with twelve teets...

Sound silly, dozentit?

Do you like pop music, like Imagine Dragons?

Well imagine dragon these nuts across your chin.

Imagine trying to eat a clock

It would be so time consuming

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning

Imagine how surprised he must have been.

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A redhead walks into a tattoo show wearing a leather miniskirt and no panties and sits down in the tattoo chair and says, "I want a tattoo of Bon Jovi on the inside of one thigh and Richie Sambora on the other."

Tattoo artist asks, " What on earth for?"
Woman says, "So when I masturbate I can imagine I'm with either one, or both of them and have really intense orgasms!"
Makes sense to the tattoo artist so he dives in and gets to work. A few hours later the tattoo artist tells the woman that he's finis...

A Brazilian man in Mexico doesn't know why the U.S. deported him there.

Can you imagine Hispanic?

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrive...

Teacher asks her class, "If there's 14 crows on a fence and you shoot 2 off, how many are left?

" One little boy says, "None, the shotgun scared them all away." Teacher says, "That's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you're thinking." Boy says to teacher, "I have a question for you." "There's 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 is licking, 1 is sucking, 1 is biting. Which on...

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at o...

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The Hamstrung Limpet

Do you know what the hamstrung limpet is? Well let me tell ya...

One fine spring day, a boy on a playground had a burning question. It was a rather odd question, so he decided to confide in a fellow child
He walked up to a little girl on the playground, and asked her, “Do you know...

Imagine if Apple sold apples?

The price would make me go bananas.

Can you imagine Netflix making a TV show about storming Area 51?

But then again, Stranger Things has happened

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A woman and her artist husband have been having sex daily for about a month.

It's a little unusual, but the husband doesn't complain at all. "Honey?" his wife asks one day. "Can you draw a picture for me?"

"Sure babe, what would you like?" he replies.

"I want to see what you think our baby will look like."

The husband stares at her for a few moments, the...

Ed, Sam, and Bill were brothers who were all doctors.

One day, Sam died.

At the funeral, Ed noticed the coffin was in the shape of a heart. So he asked Sam's wife why she chose such a coffin.

"Sam was a cardiologist," she replied, "I thought this was fitting."

Ed smiled wistfully, and Sam's wife asked why. "Well, I'm a gynecologi...

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Little Johnny and his dad.

One night little Johnny wakes up to hear some banging on his bedroom wall and his mom sounding like she was in pain. He jumps out of bed and runs to his parents room, opens the door to find his dad on top of his mom giving her a good seeing too.
Little Johnny is horrified and shouts at his dad,<...

I dont like long jokes

They are dumb, and they take too long to read. Why would i spend my day reading a joke you cooked up in 2 minutes, Writing 5 paragraphs to have one punchline. imagine making a long joke about clocks the size of a essay, that would be very time consuming!

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

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3 men are standing in front of Heaven's Door waiting to be let in when St. Peter says, "Sorry, boys, but Heaven has met their quota for the day

; however, if you tell me how you died and it is interesting enough, I will let you in."

The first man says, " I am a respectable businessman who lives with my wife in a condo on the 12th floor of The Rains Building. I suspected that my wife has been cheating on me, so I left work two hours e...

Imagine you're in a room full of crickets

*cricket noises*

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A man gets hit by a bus, dies and goes to Hell..

Upon his arrival, he is greeted by Satan's secretary who begins to process his paperwork and give him the run down on what it's like for eternity.

Secretary: "Hell really isn't all that bad, buddy. We have themed daily activities to keep our residents occupied. Were you by any chance a drinke...

An Imagine Dragons song is like syphilis.

Catchy, but not really good.

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I can't imagine having aphantasia

Oh shit.

I can’t imagine what it’s like to visit a country where nobody speaks your language.

The concept is completely foreign to me.

For people who are unable entertain a hypothetical,

could you first imagine a life where you could..

I want you to close your eyes for a moment and imagine a world without procrastination…

…actually, nevermind let’s do that later

Two guys are driving together late at night

They notice a stake in the ground on the side of the road with the letters “RE” on it. “Hmmm” they ponder, “what’s that about?”

They continue on, and they notice another. Then one more.

At this point, the passenger merely sighs out of boredom, and then passes out, exhausted.

Mea...

A man walks into a Brothel

A man walks into a brothel and asks the receptionist to sort him out a woman, she tells him where to go and what to pay and he goes ahead with it.

Half an hour later he comes out fustrated.

"How was your experience?" The receptionist asked

"It was okay but shes a little fridgit,...

There was once a man

Let's call him Jim. Jim had a remarkably ordinary life. He went to school, got his degree, got himself a secure office job, set up his pension fund, met a nice girl, got married, and had 2 wonderful sons. Jim was set for life. But he was bored.

It was that sneaky boredom that you don't quite ...

Imagine being on Reddit for 2 years...

And and only getting a lousy cake.
Why can't I have a doughnut.

Imagine a world where ducks reign supreme, one of the jobs is that some of the ducks have to pay water to the towns. What is the job called?

An aquaduck(t).

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When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears, so you can imagine how terrified I was...

...of cockroaches...

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Farmer problems (long joke)

There was a farmer, who owned a Datsun Ute. He used this Datsun for all his farm work, feeding the horses.. Throwing bails of hay out the back of it.. Carrying firewood and what not. When all of sudden one day, chug chug chug it breaks down.

So he decides to go back to the shed to grab his tr...

I'm living the life I always imagined...

Except in my imagination, I had a girlfriend, friends, money, nice house, luxury car, good looks, sharp wit, and a great personality.

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

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Imagine having sex with your boss's daughter.

And remembering that you are self employed.

A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a desert island. (Long)

They are the only living things there, besides some birds and rodents, and soon, they figure out how to work together to survive and not go insane. The dog hunts, the man cooks, and the pig forages for truffles. There are many truffles on this particular island. They have a perfectly functioning lif...

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A large group of first year medical school students filed into a lab...

...during their first week, for the first meeting of their gross anatomy class where they would be examining human cadavers. The professor walked to the front of the room, and addressed the students:


"The most important quality you will need as a physician is unfazability. Nothing can '...

imagine dating a fly girl for 20 years, and you're about to get married

but then you find out she's actually a ton of bees

"When I started my job, they handed me three envelopes."

"*These three envelopes were left to you by the previous employee who was recently let go. He said to open them in order if you ever got into a jam.*"

The job didn't seem so tough, and after all, why would I want to take advice from the guy who was just fired? I threw the envelopes into a dra...

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Imagine Jesus Christ having sex...

... Holy fuck!

Imagine if there were oak breast implants

That would be awful wooden tit

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It must be hard being homophobic

Imagine being terrified of the place where you live?

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When I was an enthusiastic 25-year-old I was once chatting to an older woman in a bar...

...she must have been mid-40s if she was a day, but she had taken really good care of herself, she was dressed to kill, and she was confident, secure in herself, and knew what she wanted.

Anyway as the evening wore on it became clearer and clearer what was on both our minds, and towards closi...

When I was a child I had many imaginary friends.

They were real people... I just imagined they were my friends.

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Imagine if your roommate made you watch a movie and left 10 mins into it. Dick move, right?

My point is old people shouldn't get to vote

I was eating lunch in the park...

...when all of a sudden a crow landed in front of me and promptly keeled over on its side. I set my lunch down and leaned forward to see what the matter was.

In that moment, an owl swooped in, plucked my sandwich off the bench, and carried it up to the treetop above me. Imagine my further sur...

Imagine if a serial killer would name themselves The Suspense

Everytime they kill someone, the victim would say "The Suspense is killing me".

My ex wouldn't even let me imagine getting or giving oral.

It's just mindblowing.

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