I got a new girlfriend. She is everything i could imagine...

Well...she is imaginary

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can you imagine how awesome ancient Roman porn names would be?

"Anus Maximus Vaginus"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We’ve been taught all our lives to imagine everybody naked

and now you get surprised when you have a boner in class mid presentation? Oh come on. We’ve been set up from the start!

Imagine a nascar fan. The image that comes to mind is probably that of a brutish, beer guzzling, loud mouth, hairy, unwashed, unshaven, redneck

And her husband.

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight....

There will be mass confusion!

This year for Halloween, I’m dressing up as the scariest thing I can imagine

Myself, but more successful

i can’t imagine what the people of the titanic were thinking when they struck the iceberg

they probably had a sinking feeling if i had to guess

Can you imagine The Titanic with a lisp?

It’s unthinkable.

Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server?

That would be Hillaryous.

Edit: My first reddit silver! Thank you kindly!

Edit2: reddit gold?! You all are too good to me!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, we sometimes pee accidentally when we poop. Just imagine how bad it would be if that got reversed for everyone one fine day.

Every male would have a really shitty day.

John Lennon: "Imagine there's no heaven"

God: "Imagine there's no John Lennon"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Imagine being American, paying a shitton for Healthcare....

... And then never getting sick. What a sad life

Imagine all the things we could do if we didn't have to sleep

I could do so much with those extra 2 hours a day.

Women can receive up to $8,000 for donating their eggs. Can you imagine if men were compensated the same amount for their donation?

I’d have a sock at home worth $72,000

Imagine being in a room

Imagine being completely naked in a room where everyone is several times your height, everyone speaks a foreign language, and they all want to touch you.

This is the life of a dog.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can you imagine a world without women?

It would be a big pain in the ass.

Imagine that you're stuck in a locked room with no windows, no key, no tools, not even a door. How do you get out?

Stop imagining it.

Imagine being a social creature that's bad at socializing.

Oh wait. I don't have to

I told my wife that I couldn't imagine myself happily married with anyone else.

No matter how hard I tried.

Do you like pop music, like Imagine Dragons?

Well imagine dragon these nuts across your chin.

Yesterday I donated my phone and wallet to a poor guy and you can't imagine how happy I felt..

when I saw him put his gun back in his pocket.

Imagine trying to eat a clock

It would be so time consuming

Imagine a cow with twelve teets...

Sound silly, dozentit?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you ever imagined being in a room with everyone you've had sex with?

That thought is the reason I hate family reunions.

Imagine having breast implants made of wood...

...yeah, that would really hurt, wooden tit?

Imagine if Apple sold apples?

The price would make me go bananas.

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal,

and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on Reddit.

Imagine being on Reddit for 2 years...

And and only getting a lousy cake.
Why can't I have a doughnut.

Can you imagine Netflix making a TV show about storming Area 51?

But then again, Stranger Things has happened

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can't imagine having aphantasia

Oh shit.

I can’t imagine what it’s like to visit a country where nobody speaks your language.

The concept is completely foreign to me.

An Imagine Dragons song is like syphilis.

Catchy, but not really good.

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning

Imagine how surprised he must have been.

I mean being born on solid ground must be a really scary ordeal... terrifying...but imagine being born in the ocean...

now that's waterfying.

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with a big smile on his face

The bartender says “why are you so happy?”

The man replies “well, after work I was walking home and saw this woman tied to a train track. It was just like something out of a movie! So I untied her and took her home. And then we had the best sex of my life, all over the house in every position...

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and finds himself in Hell.

He is greeted by Satan.

Satan: Welcome to Hell! Hey, why do you look so glum?

Man: Why do you think I look so glum? I'm in HELL! Isn't it eternal torture?

Satan: Nah, you've got us all wrong. Hell is pretty okay. When you were alive, did you drink?

Man: Yeah, I drank way ...

I'm living the life I always imagined...

Except in my imagination, I had a girlfriend, friends, money, nice house, luxury car, good looks, sharp wit, and a great personality.

Imagine a world where ducks reign supreme, one of the jobs is that some of the ducks have to pay water to the towns. What is the job called?

An aquaduck(t).

I want you to close your eyes for a moment and imagine a world without procrastination…

…actually, nevermind let’s do that later

Imagine you're in a room full of crickets

*cricket noises*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears

so you can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches.

Imagine getting jumped by a bunch of computer engineers and you hear them say

Imagine getting jumped by a bunch of computer engineers and you hear them say : "
01010011 01110100 01101001 01100011 01101011 00100000 01100001 00100000 01010101 01010011 01000010 00100000 01110101 01110000 00100000 01101000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01100001 01110011 01110011 "

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Imagine Jesus Christ having sex...

... Holy fuck!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Imagine having sex with your boss's daughter.

And remembering that you are self employed.

Anyone hear about the conspiracy theorist who died and went to heaven?

When he arrived, God stated that He grants all His children one question. The man promptly asked, "Who killed Kennedy?" God replied, "It was Lee Harvey Oswald, on the 6th floor, with his own gun, and he acted alone." The man thought for a moment then disappointingly replied "This goes higher u...

imagine dating a fly girl for 20 years, and you're about to get married

but then you find out she's actually a ton of bees

An older, white haired man

Walked into a jewellery store one Friday with his beautiful, young girlfriend at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said " I don't think you und...

Imagine if a serial killer would name themselves The Suspense

Everytime they kill someone, the victim would say "The Suspense is killing me".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was driving on the freeway when he saw a sign that said "Whistle Blowjobs - 10 miles"

" whistle blowjobs?" He thought to himself, wondering what that was all about.

"They suck your dick while they whistle? That's impossible!"

Then he passed another sign: "Whistle Blowjobs - 5 miles"

And another: "Whistle Blowjobs - 1 mile"

At this time he was so curious...

My ex wouldn't even let me imagine getting or giving oral.

It's just mindblowing.

Kid tricks the teacher badly

A teacher asks her class “If there’s 14 crows sitting on a fence, and you shoot 2 off, how many crows are left on the fence?” One little boy says, “None, the sound of the shotgun scared them all away.” The teacher says, “Thats not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you’re thinking!” Th...

God made a new rule...

You have to tell him how you died to get to heaven.

Guy 1 comes up and God asks him how he died, He said:

"I was walking home to my apartment and when I unlocked the door there was a burgular and he ran into my fridge. I threw the fridge out the window. I died of a heart attack though...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 Former Classmates, who were great friends and who haven't seen each other in years meet at a restaurant

After a while of talking one asks: “So guys, how are your eldest sons doing?“ Another one excuses himself to the restroom.

So the first one starts to talk about his eldest son: “I couldn't complain. He is the Ceo of a big car manifacturer and makes good money. He even gifted his lover a Lambo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Broken Grandfather Clock

A man once owned a beautiful grandfather clock (well, he probably still does, but let's put that aside for now). Now, when I saw the grandfather clock was beautiful, I mean absolutely gorgeous. The clock stood nearly 6 feet tall, made from the most splendid mahogany wood, accompanied by intricate ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a kid, I was terrified of earwigs because I thought they were bugs that crawled in your ears.

Imagine my reaction when I heard about cockroaches.

Imagine getting a vacuum cleaner for Christmas

That would suck

I was quite embarrassed at how sweet I made my coffee this morning.

Imagine my sugarin'.

What does living with a pregnant woman and being in a hostage situation have in common?

However some people may see it, I can't

Even imagine it in my own

Life because my wife is

Perfect in every way. She makes

Me complete. I love

Every part of her!

The mother took her young daughter to a psychiatrist and explained to the headshrinker that the girl thought she was a chicken. The doctor soothed her, observing that an overactive imagination is not uncommon in children, and asking how long the girl had suffered from the delusion.

"Almost two years," said the mother.
"Your daughter has imagined she is a chicken for nearly two years?!" the psychiatrist exclaimed. "Why have you waited so long before bringing her in?"
The woman looked embarrassed, then confessed: "We needed the eggs, doctor."

A man walks into a bar with his dog.

He walks over to his seat and says, "I can bet $100 to each of you that my dog can talk!"

Everybody agrees to the bet. The guy says, "Spot, speak!" The dog is silent.

"Spot, speak," the guy repeats. The noble dog still doesn't react. Fuming, the guy begrudgingly pays each of the bettor...

I think it's important to keep the races separate.

Just imagine how unfair it would be for a horse in NASCAR.

Imagine you're a slug of metal rolling down a conveyor belt. A massive die drops on you and you're stamped into a shiny, perfect coin...

Are you moved and impressed?

Imagine a billionaire, which can't afford basic things

Because, he's from Zimbabwe

You think dinosaurs are scary?

Imagine dragons!

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’...

But he hesitated...

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer from the bartender.

As the bartender goes to get the drink, the bowl of peanuts pipes up, "excellent choice, on the beer! A really great decision."

Thinking he is hearing things, the man goes to the bathroom to wash his face.

On his way there, the juke box yells at him, "a goddamn beer? Horrible choice. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Imagine if your roommate made you watch a movie and left 10 mins into it. Dick move, right?

My point is old people shouldn't get to vote

Imagine what the first person who inhaled helium thought...

They must have spoke very highly about it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Dublin man sees a sign outside a Kerry farmhouse: 'Talking Dog For Sale'....

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog tal...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said I was very imaginative in the bedroom.

For instance, this morning I imagined I was going to have sex.

I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bike

I bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break, so I drank all the whiskey before I cycled home. It turned out to be a good decision because I fell off my bike seven times on the way h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Imagine if they made an amusement park called Sex Flags

It would be a fucking roller-coaster

Imagine the guy who invented maple syrup...

Hey this tree tastes way better than the last 10 trees I sucked!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.