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Imagine Jokes

Imagine dating a bodybuilder and...

It doesn't work out. :)

Imagine that the next US president is a married woman

Would we call her husband a first ladyboy?


pls laugh I'm so depressed

Imagine missing a payment on a TESLA,

and the car drives itself back to the dealership.

I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella.

But he hesitated.

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Imagine having 12 boobs

Sounds weird dozen tit?

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.

There would be mass confusion.

Imagine asking a blind girl out in braille

and she leaves you on felt

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Imagine if your roommate made you watch a movie and left 10 mins into it. Dick move, right?

My point is old people shouldn't get to vote

Could you imagine if Steve Jobs first name was blow

His current business model would suck.

Andrew Tate says his Romanian jail is infested with lice. "Can you imagine sharing a cell with vile parasites?"

Say the lice.

Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server?

That would be Hillaryous.

Edit: My first reddit silver! Thank you kindly!

Edit2: reddit gold?! You all are too good to me!

If you think your life is scary, just imagine being a birthday cake.

Someone starts a fire right above your head, and then everyone starts singing.

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Can you imagine getting 72 virgin when you go to heaven?

The first half-dozen or so will be nice, but after that, I'm going to want a pro.

Imagine you were friends with Oasis lead singer, Liam Gallagher.

You two grew up together and were the best of friends. That friendship was like no other.

You both bonded over many things, but the hobby you both got into was baseball. You’d both play catch, practice your pitches, and even went to watch pro games together.

During high school, y...

Imagine the uproar if Blazing Saddles was made today.

People would say "this is plagiarism, make your own movie".

Imagine if your cell phone battery was on ten percent and it lasted for eight days..

Congratulations. You understand Hanukkah.

Imagine this, you’re in a queue to be hit in the face

That’s the punch line

Imagine a Coin Machine, that doesn't make coins.

It doesn't make any cents!

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As a teacher, one of the things I used to dread most was seeing one of my students out in public. So imagine my surprise when I saw 18 year old Kristen out one Saturday night in a 21 and over establishment. She saw me at the same time, came over and loudly asked, "What the heck are YOU doing here?!"

I said, "Well, I'm a functioning alcoholic, it's Saturday night, and I am 32 years old. So I really think the better question here is... how much are the lap dances?"

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Will Smith had to stand up for Jada. Imagine how hard it is knowing your wife can't have her hair

pulled during sex with other men

Imagine the guy who invented maple syrup...

Hey this tree tastes way better than the last 10 trees I sucked!

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Imagine telling someone you're bisexual.

Pessimist: That doubles the number of people who are going to reject you.

Optimist: That doubles the number of people you can date.

Realist: 2 times 0 is still 0.

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"Imagine the class is naked!"

Didn't work, now I'm nervous and I have a boner.

Being the teacher doesn't make it any better.

Imagine coming home getting in bed with your girlfriend

you tell her a joke and the guy under the bed starts laughing

Imagine mario teaching music

Student: keeps making the same mistake at the same spot*

Mario: “Mama mia, for the hundredth time it’s a mi”

Imagine the Titanic with a Lisp

It's unthinkable

Imagine America's best dentists competing against each other in fixing dental problems

We'll call the show "Top Gum"

Hey, imagine if there was something you could put in your body that could let you see a whole new layer of existence and change your perception of reality?

Bro, that would be dope.

Imagine if Elon Musk got married to Bill Gates and took his name...

Yeah no, you're right... 'Elon Gates' is a stretch.

I am not smart enough to make a topical joke about how Jada Smith likes younger men, but I have to imagine that...

...if there is a Will, there is a way.

Can you imagine Jesus doing a crossword puzzle?

And getting stuck on 2 across..

Imagine a man, lying down...

... as men are prone to do

Imagine the greatest blues saxophonist and the best jazz guitarist go for dinner, who pays?

Neither. You don't have to pay at the soup kitchen.

Could you imagine taking a punch from someone that played Muhammad Ali, a boxing legend, in a movie??

Chris got lucky it was just a slap! Good thing Will's fist was as open as his marriage.

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Imagine a wilderness scene, a flowing river and critters running around There is a fly, buzzing above the river, but what he don’t know is that there is a fish watching him, thinking “That fly is gonna drop 6 in. And I’m gonna jump up and get em, and have myself a good meal”

But the fish don’t know that there is a bear watching him thinking

“That fly is gonna drop 6 in. Fish is gonna eat the fly, I’m gonna get the fish, and have myself a good meal”

But the bear don’t know that there is a hunter watching him, eating a sandwich, and the hunter thinks

...

Yesterday I donated my phone and wallet to a poor guy and you can't imagine how happy I felt..

..when I saw him put his gun back in his pocket.

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Can you imagine a world without women?

It would be a big pain in the ass.

Imagine a pirate with a prosthetic breast.

That’d be funny, wooden tit

Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you.

That's the punch line.

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Can you imagine how awesome ancient Roman porn names would be?

"Anus Maximus Vaginus"

Imagine people still calling it pound rather...

The #metoo movement would be such a weird to get behind...

A death toll too high to imagine

On September 29th 2006 President George W. Bush receives a briefing from one of his staff

"Mr. President, we've just received reports of a commercial plane crash in south America, 154 Brazilian people died."

"Oh my God, that's terrible..." The president replies solemnly, thinking quiet...

Imagine if jesus had been born a Siamese twin...

...it would have been the perfect double cross!

There were so many people at my house today without masks and social distancing, imagine the stench…

Lucky I haven’t been able to smell anything in the past few days…

Imagine how happy barn owls were ....

when people finally started making barns.

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Too bad punctuations couldn’t fight each other. Imagine a match between “.” and “:”

I’d pay to see that bloody shit.

Imagine making a belt out of a bunch of $100 bills tied together

That would be a huge waist of money.

Imagine yourself as a place where horses stay.

Now you’re mentally a stable.

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Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

Imagine finally surviving Covid19...

then China just releases Covid19S Plus Pro Max.

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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

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Imagine having sex with a genuine tree nymph.

That'd be strange. Wooden tit.

I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toasts. It was then I realized...

...I'd accidentally ordered Avogadro's Toast.

A Jewish shop owner in a largely Christian town hears a knock on the door.

He opens, and sees representatives of the local church.

\- Excuse us, Mr. Shainski, - they say. - Our church is in a bad state now, so we decided to build a new one. Seeing as you are known as a very wealthy and generous person, could you spare anything?

Shainski thinks. On the one han...

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My wife says she can't imagine getting intimate with anyone else.

That's how much I have put her off sex.

A politician dies...

...and ends up at the pearly gates. St. Peter looks at him and finds his name in his book.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes. Is there a problem?"

"Oh no, there is no problem. But we have a policy for people in your profession, you have to spend a day each in heaven and he...

Can you imagine if none of the midwives showed up for a birth?

That would be a midwife crisis

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When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears, so you can imagine how terrified I was...

...of cockroaches...

Can you imagine to drive for miles and miles on the wrong side of the road without even realizing it?

Well, I can't, but the English are supposedly very good at it.

Imagine eating a clock...

That'd be time consuming.

My friend looked me dead in the eyes and went "Imagine if you were half horse."

"You would be the centaur of attention."

Imagine if people started calling DPs as PPs (short for profile picture)

"OMG your PP is so cute!!"

"Your PP sucks, change it asap"

"Drag and Resize your PP to fit the frame"

History is a lot like Imagine Dragons...

It's repetitive, never really good, and somehow only getting worse.

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning

Imagine how surprised he must have been.

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

I told my boss that when I get nervous, I like to imagine my audience naked...

... she said I should probably stop teaching the 2nd grade.

Imagine this

You're watching a movie late at night in your house, when suddenly you hear a noise. You walk downstairs to investigate. You hear a sound coming from the outside of your door. You hear:

"Hello, this is the lockpickinglawyer, and today I'll be showing you how to open a Prime-Line Chain Door Gu...

Imagine if we started replacing 'i' with 'li'

It would be lit.

My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working"

Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

Imagine if roosters laid eggs.

So many dad yolks at our disposal.

John Lennon: "Imagine there's no heaven"

God: "Imagine there's no John Lennon"

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If you're concerned about your new partner's sexual history, and you don't want to catch genital warts, imagine you're playing chess, not craps.

So don't roll the dice. Check first, and then mate.

Imagine you are put into a room completely naked full of weird creatures that look nothing like you and all they want to do is touch you.

That my friend is the life of a dog.

Imagine if lightning hit a sub-station

The results would be electrifying

Could you imagine a market in the Middle East?

Because that would be bazaar

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Try to imagine a woman with six pairs of breasts.

Looks good, dozen tit?

A duck walks into a tavern and orders a beer.

The bartender thinks "Wow, a talking duck," and pours him a beer.

The bartender asks "I don't think I've seen you in here before. Do you live in the neighborhood?"

The duck says "No, I live across town. I'm a drywaller, and I'm working the office renovation across the street. I...

I could never be Prime Minister. Imagine the thousands of people below you, looking to you for inspiration.





It's like being a great grandfather in a Muslim family

Imagine my shock when I got home to find my husband had replaced his feet with wheels and was wearing a funnel on his head.

I'd never even suspected he was a trainsvestite.

Imagine if there were a pill you could take that let you fly, but the side effects gave you cancer

Cancer cases would skyrocket

Imagine watching the election to know if you have job tomorrow or not

That’s how it feels like to be Melania’s divorce Attorney

Imagine believing at zodiac signs and horoscopes

That's such a Cancer thing to do.

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Imagine being a vampire and having a zero-waste mother

She'd have you suck on tampons.

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

Is there an “f” in lieutenant?

A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.

“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”

“I was told there was.”

“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”

“I’m pretty sure there is.”

The private thinks about it...

Can you just imagine how pterosaurs felt seeing that meteor entering the earths atmosphere?

Probably pterofied.

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Imagine if King Midas touched his wife...

... while having sex.

That’ll be fucking gold.

Imagine if honey was regurgitated through a bee’s nose rather than it’s mouth

Then it really would be the bee’s sneeze

Imagine a nascar fan. The image that comes to mind is probably that of a brutish, beer guzzling, loud mouth, hairy, unwashed, unshaven, redneck

And her husband.

I chose not to put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay...

... because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about...

Imagine a world where nobody is starving

A world where everybody is happy. Everybody is friendly. A world with no conflict. No wars. No weapons.

Now imagine invading that world because they would never see it coming.

Could you imagine a game about jokes that have item drops and the rarest item in the game is known as “the punchline” which has a drop chance of 1/100000?

Friend: “hey Jordan, what you up to?”

Me: “I’ve been playing this joke game for two years and I still haven’t gotten the punchline.”

Imagine what the first person who inhaled helium thought...

They must have spoke very highly about it.

I like to imagine supreme court is just like regular court...

but with tomatoes and sour cream.

Hillary and Bill sneak away from the secret service

Hillary and Bill Clinton sneak away from the secret service and go for a drive. The two end up at a gas station and when they walk in, Hillary recognizes the clerk.

Hillary says hello to him and the two walk out. She turns to Bill and says “I used to date that guy before I met you”

Bil...

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Can you Imagine?

Can you imagine stuffing pictures of your grandmother in a strippers G string?

Imagine you are Prince Harry

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Imagine having sex with your boss's daughter.

And remembering that you are self employed.

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Imagine being American, paying a shitton for Healthcare....

... And then never getting sick. What a sad life

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All of the passengers on a plane are seated and ready for takeoff.

The pilot and copilot are late, the passengers and crew are getting frustrated. A couple of minutes go by and suddenly the copilot boards and is wearing dark glasses while waving around a mobility cane. He clumsily makes his way to the copilots seat. The passengers feel uneasy. A couple more minutes...

A man dies and is waiting to be transported to heaven

He asks Death about what happens next. Death replies "YOU WERE A GOOD MAN ON EARTH , YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN , WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY ETERNAL YOUTH , YOU CAN DO BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT , ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES ". The man thinks to himself, "that's wonderful", and settles down for the journey....

Imagine that you're stuck in a locked room with no windows, no key, no tools, not even a door. How do you get out?

Stop imagining it.

A man is at the checkout line of a supermarket when he realises he forgot to buy condoms

A man is at the checkout line of a supermarket when he realises he forgot to buy condoms.

When his turn arrives, he looks at the cashier and asks "I'm sorry, I forgot to buy condoms, can you ask someone to bring me a packet?"

"That's fine", she tells him, "what size do you need?". He'...

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Tom's scrotum

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pai...

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