Imagine NOT being a failure to your parents

Then step back into reality

Imagine that the next US president is a married woman

Would we call her husband a first ladyboy?


pls laugh I'm so depressed

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Imagine having 12 boobs

Sounds weird dozen tit?

Imagine Americans switched from Pound to Kilograms overnight

There would be mass confusion

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When I was younger, I didn't want to imagine my parents having sex...

So I'd watch them while hiding in their bedroom closet.

Imagine a pirate with a prosthetic breast.

That’d be funny, wooden tit

My girlfriend left me because she said that I imagine things

At least now I don't have to make a girl's voice

Imagine missing a payment on a TESLA,

and the car drives itself back to the dealership.

I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella.

But he hesitated.

Imagine you are a bus driver.

At the first station 17 people entered the bus, at the second station, 8 people entered and 6 people left. At the fourth station 12 people entered and 14 people left. Then at the last station 17 people left the bus.
How old was the bus driver?

My dad always says not to crank the car radio too high or I'll go deaf. Imagine if that happened.

I would never hear the end of it.

Imagine dating a bodybuilder and...

It doesn't work out. :)

Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you.

That's the punch line.

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Too bad punctuations couldn’t fight each other. Imagine a match between “.” and “:”

I’d pay to see that bloody shit.

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My wife says she can't imagine getting intimate with anyone else.

That's how much I have put her off sex.

A man dies and is waiting to be transported to heaven

He asks Death about what happens next. Death replies "YOU WERE A GOOD MAN ON EARTH , YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN , WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY ETERNAL YOUTH , YOU CAN DO BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT , ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES ". The man thinks to himself, "that's wonderful", and settles down for the journey....

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

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There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and unstoppable. As each wrestlers legends grew, a match was set up between the two, America versus Russia. The match would be held in Texas.

John began training immediately. Every day his coach would tell him, “This Russ ...

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I was verbally harassed by two kids at the park today

So I told them off. Then their mother came over to me and said "Leave them the fuck alone! They're my fucking kids!"

Trying to think of a witty comeback, I asked her "Are they twins?"

She replied, "Of course they're not twins you fucking idiot, one is seven and the other is twelve! How...

Can you imagine to drive for miles and miles on the wrong side of the road without even realizing it?

Well, I can't, but the English are supposedly very good at it.

Imagine eating a clock...

That'd be time consuming.

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Imagine having sex with a genuine tree nymph.

That'd be strange. Wooden tit.

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Has anyone ever tried something they saw in a porno and it ended up not workin out aw well as you imagined?

Turns out plumbing is a lot harder than it looks. And so is pissing into your own mouth

History is a lot like Imagine Dragons...

It's repetitive, never really good, and somehow only getting worse.

I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toasts. It was then I realized...

...I'd accidentally ordered Avogadro's Toast.

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Three Rabbis

Three rabbis were walking and they came to the more questionable part of town. They pass by a shop that has a sign which reads...

Blowjobs:
$25
$50
$100

The first rabbi looks at the sign and says “My friends, it is time I enjoy some of the joys of the flesh. I am going to go a...

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
...

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A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

Imagine yourself as a place where horses stay.

Now you’re mentally a stable.

Imagine you're in a dark room how do you find the exit?

Stop imagining.

Imagine making a belt out of a bunch of $100 bills tied together

That would be a huge waist of money.

Imagine you are put into a room completely naked full of weird creatures that look nothing like you and all they want to do is touch you.

That my friend is the life of a dog.

Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server?

That would be Hillaryous.

Edit: My first reddit silver! Thank you kindly!

Edit2: reddit gold?! You all are too good to me!

Imagine watching the election to know if you have job tomorrow or not

That’s how it feels like to be Melania’s divorce Attorney

An ice cream parlor has been arrested for drug trafficking in my neighborhood

This was yesterday and still cannot believe it. I have been his client most of my life and would never had imagined he sold ice cream

I was thinking of getting a job at the U.S. Mint

Can you imagine the amount of money I would make?

An old joke my grandpa made

Imagine a married man goes into his attic, and find a genie lamp

A genie pops out and says, “I’ll give you 3 wishes, but your wife gets double”

The man says, “I’ll have a new car”
He gets a new car and the wife gets double

The man says, “I’ll have a mansion”
He gets a mans...

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Had to shit

Just over halfway through the flight, all the coffee in my stomach feels like it's percolating its way down into my lower intestine. I hunker down and try and focus on other things. What feels like an hour, but probably isn't more than twenty minutes, passes. We then enter what turns out to be prett...

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Unexpectedly, an artist's wife started having sex with him every day.

Though quite unusual, he didn't question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride.

One day, his wife approached him. "Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What should I draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her,...

Imagine my shock when I got home to find my husband had replaced his feet with wheels and was wearing a funnel on his head.

I'd never even suspected he was a trainsvestite.

Imagine this

You're watching a movie late at night in your house, when suddenly you hear a noise. You walk downstairs to investigate. You hear a sound coming from the outside of your door. You hear:

"Hello, this is the lockpickinglawyer, and today I'll be showing you how to open a Prime-Line Chain Door Gu...

Imagine how happy barn owls were ....

when people finally started making barns.

Imagine if people started calling DPs as PPs (short for profile picture)

"OMG your PP is so cute!!"

"Your PP sucks, change it asap"

"Drag and Resize your PP to fit the frame"

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Can you imagine the headlines if Bruce Willis dies from a viagra overdose.

Bruce Willis dies hard.

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Potential vs reality

An 8 year old son asks his father
"what is the difference between Potential and Reality"
father turns to his wife
"would you sleep with George .W. Bush for $I million ?

Wife"of course i will never waste that opportunity"
father turns to his daughter
"would you sleep with Brad p...

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I was telling my friend in the pub about how I was having sex with this woman and she farted.

"I imagine that doesn't happen very often," he replied.

"No," I joked, "I didn't even know women did it."

He said, "I wasn't referring to that part."

A young boy and an old man are walking in the woods at night.





"It's really dark and I'm scared, can we go home now?"



"If you're scared, imagine what it'll be like when I have to walk back alone."

Imagine if we started replacing 'i' with 'li'

It would be lit.

Imagine if roosters laid eggs.

So many dad yolks at our disposal.

Imagine finally surviving Covid19...

then China just releases Covid19S Plus Pro Max.

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If you're concerned about your new partner's sexual history, and you don't want to catch genital warts, imagine you're playing chess, not craps.

So don't roll the dice. Check first, and then mate.

Imagine the US switched to the metric system.

Everyone would be kilogramming your mom.

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Try to imagine a woman with six pairs of breasts.

Looks good, dozen tit?

What do anti-vaxxers do at Covid-19 funerals?

Stare at the ceiling.
_____________
**Thank you** /u/JustNick4 for giving this joke the extremely desirable **Evil Cackle Award**. I've never won an Evil Cackle Award before, so as you can imagine, I'm over the moon. I'm going to put it in the candy bowl every Halloween for the neighbor kids ...

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Gopal Bhaar and the best feeling

Gopal bhaar was a witty man, called on a lot by the king.
On a hot summers day, the Maharaja calls on his trusted advisors and ask them what the best feeling in the world is.

A lot of feelings go into the pool, happiness, orgasms, seeing your child being born, and so on.

When it co...

I took my friend to a concert. He said to me “Hey, you said there would be dragons here.”

So, I responded “No, man. I said you’d have to imagine them.”

Imagine believing at zodiac signs and horoscopes

That's such a Cancer thing to do.

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Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crosswo...

Yesterday I donated my phone and wallet to a poor guy and you can't imagine how happy I felt..

..when I saw him put his gun back in his pocket.

There was this guy working at McDonald’s.

and it was his turn to cook the French fries. So he put the frozen fries in the metal basket and dipped it in the oil. You see this guy was a veteran chef and used to be able to sense when food was cooked by looking at it's color or by smelling it, he never needed a timer or a meat thermometer or an...

imagine how terrible a granddaughter you have to be

to visit your grandma so infrequently that you can't tell if it's a wolf dressed in her clothes and not her

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Imagine being a vampire and having a zero-waste mother

She'd have you suck on tampons.

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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the ...

A pastor is on a plane when the man next to him strikes up a conversation.

After some pleasantries, the pastor says, "I'm flying across the country raising money for my parish. I've been performing small miracles hoping people will donate money to me. You see, I ask the Lord to provide a person's favorite food on the spot. My best luck is with college grads who are nostalg...

Imagine if there were a pill you could take that let you fly, but the side effects gave you cancer

Cancer cases would skyrocket

You can imagine my surprise when I saw James Bond making burgers in the park

I guess he had a licence to grill

Can you just imagine how pterosaurs felt seeing that meteor entering the earths atmosphere?

Probably pterofied.

Just recalling the great toilet paper shortage and my Walmart experience.

I couldnt find toilet paper anywhere at Walmart, so I finally found an associate wearing the signature yellow vest, and asked, " Is there toilet paper anywhere in this store?"

She looked me up and down and said, "We've been out of toilet paper for over a week."

Imagine my embarrassment...

I could never be Prime Minister. Imagine the thousands of people below you, looking to you for inspiration.





It's like being a great grandfather in a Muslim family

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Be Careful What You Ask For...

There was a guy who was born deformed, he didn't have a body, he was just a head. He had family and a loyal group of friends that would include him and they would usually just carry him under their arm from place to place.

One day he went with friends to a local bar where they sat him on top...

Imagine if lightning hit a sub-station

The results would be electrifying

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An Irish man loved his golf, but he was a terrible golfer, it would seem, as he often found himself hunting for his balls in the woods

on one such occasion, he happened upon a leprechaun. whom it would appear he had accidently hit with his errant shot.

Gently shaking him awake, he asks "Are you ok?"

"Aye, you show such kindness to me. I will grant ye three wishes."


"T'is OK, I am already blessed enough...

I can't imagine jokes quickly. So I attack people as an outlet for my anger.

Oh wait. I have an entire punchline!

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Guy: *lifts gallon* Yeah it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Guy: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

Orange and apple walk into a bar

Okay, so there's this orange and an apple and they walk into a fruit bar.

Well, they don't exactly *walk*, they more or less *roll*. Anyway, the apple says to the bartender, who is actually a banana, "What does one have to do to get a …."

Ah....wait. I think I messed it up.

... ...

Could you imagine the world if we all turned out to be nocturnal..

the difference is night and day.

I imagined the final strike. With a 300 point score, onlookers cheering my perfect game...

It was mind-bowling.

The members of the newly-formed Justice League were introducing themselves to each other.

S: “I’m Superman; I can fly, move at super speed, and have super strength.”

B: “I’m Batman; I’m the world’s greatest detective, master of many martial arts, and have gadgets that can do almost anything.”

GL: “I’m Green Lantern; my emerald bling can create constructs of anything I can i...

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Imagine if your roommate made you watch a movie and left 10 mins into it. Dick move, right?

My point is old people shouldn't get to vote

Guys imagine...

....Sleeping with a magician and he nuts in you and you panic but he says “sike check your ear”...

Walking through the grocery store

I’m approaching the checkout and there are two kids with their mom. The kids are fighting and the mom is asking for the manager. I try and ease the tension, and tell her what wonderful twins you have. In Karen fashion she freaks out on me and said can’t you tell one is 8 and the other is 14. I respo...

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life...

...when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a...

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Can you imagine a world without women?

It would be a big pain in the ass.

A man is at the funeral of an old friend.

He hesitantly approaches the deceased's wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears his throat and says, "Plethora."

The widow smiles appreciatively. "Thank you," she says. "That means a lot."

Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a word too?" She sa...

Imagine if honey was regurgitated through a bee’s nose rather than it’s mouth

Then it really would be the bee’s sneeze

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