UPJOKE
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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

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A rich man and a poor man were waiting to cross the street.

It was Christmas time and the poor man asked the rich man what he got his wife for Christmas.

The rich man told him he got her a new car, a diamond necklace and trip to Fiji.

He then asks the poor man what he got his wife.

He said “I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo.”...

I bought a great power saw two years ago. I can't wait to use it.

The owner's manual said *Warning: Do not use this tool until you read and understand the entire instruction manual!*

But half of it is in Chinese! I'm getting there.

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!" The lumberjack nodded and grinned...

“And you will dialogue!"

A German in a Bar

A German walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender tells him : "20 euros!"

The German is shocked - "20 euros? yesterday it was only 3 euros !"

"Well, today it is 20 euros."

\- "But why 20, damn it?"

Bar tender : "I'll explain it,

\-3 euros is beer,...

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't think I've ever seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with ...

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit?

I said no. Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid. She thinks I'm following or even stalking her

She is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

My wife begged me in the doctors waiting room to go in with her to see the psychiatrist about my issues with starting a family.

I refused to come inside.

4 men are in the hospital waiting room waiting for their babies The nurse walks in and tells the first man: "Congratulations you're having twins." The man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence, i work for the Minnesota twins."

The nurse tells the second man: "Congratulations you're having triplets."

The man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence, i work for the 3M company."

The nurse tells the third man: "Congratulations You're having quadruplets."

The third man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence i ...

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give t...

I know we're all supposed to be tolerant of people from other cultures, but is it too much to ask that Asian waiters learn that all Caucasians don't look alike? My waiter just served my food to some other customer!

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

Saint Peter went running up to God expressing concern that a large group of Russians are waiting outside the pearly gates.

*Saint Peter went running up to God expressing concern that a large group of Russians are waiting outside the pearly gates.*
'We're full right now tell them to go away!' shouts the almighty one.
A short while later St Peter returns shouting 'They've gone'
God cries 'What all 150,000 o...

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The voodoo dildo

An old joke probably a repost, one of the few jokes I remember.

A woman went to town for shopping and she found this newagey shop. Curious she went in and looked around when she saw this huge dildo sitting in a corner behind some stuff. She asked the shopowner about it and he told her it's a ...

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The other night my wife and I were getting busy in bed....

She whispered in my ear “turn off the light and shove it in my arse”. I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.

Jeff walks into a magic shop.

He walks up to the man at the counter and asks “What magic can you do”

The man at the counter replies “Voodoo, magic reversal, time travel, and-“

Jeff interrupts him and says “Wait, go back”

Jeff walks into a magic shop, and the man at the counter says to him “That’ll be $30.75”

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I was at the bar waiting to finally meet a girl that I'd been chatting with on the internet when I got a tap on the shoulder.

“Are you Steve?" the woman asked with a smile.

“You're fucking gorgeous!" I burst out in delight. "Yes, I am Steve.”

“Great," she replied. "There's some fat bitch over there looking for you!"

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

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A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.



The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me ...

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!

So he turns on his lights
and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five
old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the
back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him,
"Officer, I don't understand, I was ...

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Jamaican are waiting in the maternity ward whilst their partners gave birth.

The midwife comes out and says that all the babies have been born healthy and mothers are doing fine but there’s been a mix-up and they aren’t sure which baby belongs to whom.
The Englishman rushes in and picks up the black baby and starts walking out. The others stop him and ask him what the hel...

Two women who recently died were waiting at the Gates of Heaven

Woman 1: “So, how did you die?”

Woman 2: “I froze to death.”

Woman 1: “Wow, that must’ve been so painful. I’m so sorry.”

Woman 2: “It was, but after a while you go numb & don’t feel as much. How did you die?”

Woman 1: “Well, I thought my husband was cheating on me. So...

Me and the girlfriend went to the restaurant for the first time in ages.

The Waiter said, I am sorry but we are so busy tonight.

Would you mind waiting for a bit? I said no problem.

He said good, now take these drinks to table. 7.

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"...

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the mo...

3 men were waiting in line to enter heaven

The angel at the gate asks the first man
"how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "10 times" the man answers. The angel gives him the keys to a 2010 Toyota Camry "this is how you will drive around heaven".
The second man says he cheated on his wife 5 times, the angel gives him a 2018 Lexus...

There is a street corner where hookers wait around to be picked up

On a light post nearby a parrot is hanging around. As he watches he says, “Same old hookers, same old clients”

This is bad for business so one of the hookers get mad at the parrot and throws a rock at him. He falls down onto the ground. The next morning a nun is walking and sees the parrot. ...

A woman was nervously waiting at the airport for her husband to return from his skydiving lesson.

The pilot approached her: "I'm sorry, but there's been an accident. I have some bad news, some good news, some more bad news, and some more good news.

The bad news is your husband fell out of the plane.
The good news is he had his parachute on.
The bad news is he hit the ground befo...

Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue. Wondering what is was for, he joined it.

People would look over their shoulder, see that is was Donald Trump behind them, and leave the queue, so he would proceed closer and closer to the front.
As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked one guy, who also looked and was about to walk away, "Wait a second, what is this...

Two blondes wait at a bus stop.

A bus pulls up and opens the door.

One of the blondes leans inside and asks the driver,

"Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"

The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm sorry."

The other blonde leans inside and asks, "How about me?"

A Californian, a Texan and a local are drinking at a bar in Big Sky, MT

After a little bit, The Californian finishes his martini, turns and throws his glass against the wall.

The Bartender, shocked, asks him why the hell he did that.

Californian replies that where he's from, they make so much money they don't have to drink out of the same glass twice.
<...

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Pizza guy: your total is $26.34

Me: I can't afford that

Pizza guy: well you're gonna have to pay some other way, then

Me: \[takes out wallet\] wait I forgot I had 30 bucks

Porn director: Cut, WTF?

My girlfriend said, “I am breaking up with you because of your addiction of wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.”

I said, “Wait! I can change.”

A man walks into a bar and there is a line of people waiting to punch him

That's the punch line.

Wait for it….

An unskilled gymnast walks into a bar.

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A women decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday

She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.<...

Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.

I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.

What does SWAT stand for…

… in Texas?

Stand, Wait, Act Tough

Two 5 year old boys are in the hospital waiting to go into surgery. The first boy asks the other, "What are having done?"

"I'm having my tonsils taken out."

"Oh you're going to love it. I had that done last year and I got to eat ice cream for a week. Best week ever."

The second boy asks, "What about you?"

"Circumcision," the first boy replies.

The second boy responds, "I had that done when ...

A doctor is sitting in his office and is waiting for his next patient

A man enters the room. He tells the doctor that he has a back injury from yesterdays activities. The doctor asks him what he did that cause his back injury.

"Well Doctor, I came home early yesterday after work and found a pair of mens shoes that do not belong to me. I rushed upstairs and foun...

A redneck is hiking through the woods with two Native Americans

A redneck is hiking through the woods with two Native Americans. They happen across a cave. one of the Natives yells, "Whoop! Whoop!"

Another voice calls from the cave. "Whoop! Whoop!"

The man strips naked and runs into the cave.

"What was all that about?" The redneck asks...

Did you hear about the guy waiting to get hanged?

The suspense was killing him!

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Three guys are waiting in line to get into Heaven.

St. Peter calls out to thee tree guys: "We don't have a lot of space in Heaven, so who ever tells be the most interesting death stories will get in!" The first man walks up and begins his story. "I came home one day from a bad day to find my wife naked on the bed. I suspected that she was cheating w...

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.

They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.

Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than f...

Brazilian Hell

A man dies and goes to hell...

There, he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks,

"What do they do there?"

He is told: "First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another...

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter walks up to a counter in a department store.

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter walks up to a counter in a department store and asks,

"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p...

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure en...

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in yo...

Hundreds of Russians are outside a bank,

grumbling about waiting hours in a long queue to make a withdrawl.

Suddenly one says '' I've had enough of this, I'm going to shoot Putin!"


He returns five hours later to the queue and his mate says '' did you kill him?''

he said ''no the queue was too long''

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A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front...

A man in Moscow goes up to a newsstand and buys a newspaper…

He then glances at the front page, then turns aside and tosses the whole newspaper straight into the trash.

Next day, he turns up, and does the same thing. Buys it, glances at the front page, throws it in the trash.

Next day, same thing. The newsstand worker is increasingly puzzled, bu...

Two factory workers are talking among themselves.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies, "And how would you do that?"

To which the woman answers, "Just wait and watch."
She hangs herself upside down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in, takes a look at her and asks, "What are you doing?"...

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant

He went to the doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my ri...

Married in Heaven?

A very loving couple were on their way to organise their wedding when they had a horrific car crash and died.

When they reached the Pearly Gates they asked St. Peter,
"We were on our way to get married when we arrived here, do you know if it's possible to get married in Heaven?"
"Do yo...

A little old man stuck his head into a barbershop and asked

**"How long before I can get a haircut?"**

**The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours from now." The old guy left.**

**A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"**

**The barber l...

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag
of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green
light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-
stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arriv...

I'm just okay during Pride Month.

But just wait until Sloth Month. Or Gluttony Month. That's my time to shine.

An American man gets married to a British woman.

Before the big night, his father tells him "Tonight I want you to carry your wife in your arms to show her that the US is a strong nation. Then I want you to throw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation. And finally, I want you to take off your clothes to show her that the US is a ...

A new captain becomes leader of a company of soldiers. As he goes about learning everything on how they do things he finds two soldiers guarding a bench. He asks his sergeants why they're guarding the bench and they say the previous commander ordered it. "

He calls the previous commander up, now a major, asking why he did that and the major said its because the previous commander ordered it. So he calls that commander, now a lt. Colonel asking why he ordered it, gets the same answer that it was ordered by the previous commander. The captain goes throu...

I always wait a couple of weeks after a new massage parlor opens before letting them touch me.

Gotta let them work the kinks out.

A priest, a thief, and an engineer were all waiting in line to be executed by guillotine during the French revolution.

The priest was to be the first to meet his fate. As he stepped onto the platform the executioner asked him "Father, would you like to meet your maker face up or face down?"

After thinking about it for a moment, the priest answered "My son, if today is to be my last day, then I wish to go face...

The Pope dies and stands in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter looks at him confused:" Who are you? I don't know you." The Pope says" I'm the Pope, the holy father". Peter scrolls through his holy book " Pope, Pope, holy father..... nope, not in here". Now the Pope is confused "But I'm God's representative on earth." Peter says " Pease wait a minute" ...

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So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…"

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best frien...

A bedridden hospital patient takes a turn for the worse and a doctor comes to check on them.

The doctor does a quick examination, then releases the brakes on the bed's wheels and rolls them out of the room. "Alright, it's time to move you down to the East Wing."

"What's the East Wing?" asks the patient.

"The morgue." replies the doctor.

"W-wait, the morgue?! But I'm not...

Three men are outside of Heavens gate waiting to get in.

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.

The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3...

Sorry about the wait

A guy walks into a bar and finds the place is full so he has to wait a bit to get seated. He finally gets a seat when one opens up at the bar. "I'm sorry about your wait," the bartender says as he takes his order. "I am, too," the guy replies. "But it's okay, I've been fat my whole life."

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A lawyer boards a plane and takes his seat in business class.

A few moments later, two more men wander in and sit next to him. They get to chatting and he discovers they are doctors.

After a few moments, one of the doctors comments that he needs a drink.

"It's ok, I'll get it for you," says the lawyer, and gets up. The doctors notice he has take...

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One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season…..

the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.
As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk...

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender r...

a joke that i saw in a youtube video a few years back

Two markets were flying in the the sky, when suddenly Market 1 stops and says "Wait a minute, markets don't fly", to which Market 2 responds "Oh, right" before falling down to the ground. Upon landing Market 2 looks up and sees Market 1 still up above, so he shouts "Why are you still flying? Markets...

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A cabbie is waiting outside a Vegas casino when a classically dressed man runs out in a state of extreme distress.

He comes up to the cab and says "You've got to get me to the airport straight away! I'm needed in New York as soon as possible, there's millions at stake!" and the cabbie says "Sure, no problem, fella, just fifty bucks for the fare and we're good to go".


The smartly-dressed man says "Th...

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filthy old man

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a cliff, about to jump off.

An old homeless man who was wandering by stopped and said

"Look since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?"

She screamed "NO! Fuck off y...

My wife left me because I am insecure

No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee

A horse had a life long dream of playing the guitar

So there was a horse, and this horse always had a dream of playing the guitar.

So the horse calls up a music shop and he says, “Hey, I want to learn how to play the guitar.”

The music shop employee goes “That’s great we’ll set you up for music lessons.”

The horse responds “We...

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The old man and the golf pro

At the golf course one day, an elderly man challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side.

"But," said the man, "since you're obviously much better than me, to even things up a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."

The pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but ...

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Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings

"Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"


"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"


"Rig...

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It was the first night of the newlyweds in their wedding suite and the young husband was staring out the window very intently into the starry night while his young bride was sitting patiently in bed waiting.

"Aren't you coming to bed, darling?" , she says sexily.

"Not in your life!", he replied. "My mother said this would be the most wonderful night of my life and I am not going to miss it for anything!"

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A Joke Walks into a Bar. [OC]

A Joke walks into a bar and the Bartender says "Wait... this isn't right."

The Joke says "Listen, quickly! I have little time to explain! You and I are but characters living in a hypothetical reality, being puppeteered by some inconceivable monster telling a joke! It's not even a good joke ei...

Waiting game

A policeman, patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot, saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting.

Stopping to investigate, he walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The ...

Italian Girl

An American woman goes to Italy on business and asks her husband what she could bring back for him.

He laughs and says, “An Italian girl!”

When she returns home he picks her up at the airport and asks, “So, honey, how was the trip?”

“Very good,” she replies.

“And did you ...

A rich guy and a poor guy were having lunch togheter

The rich guy was eating a delicious fancy meal while the poor guy only had slop.

**Poor guy**: "Hey, wanna swap ?"

**Rich guy**: "Why would I trade my delicacy for your slop ?"

**Poor guy**: "This isn't ordinary slop, it's a secret family recipe. Whoever eats it becomes smarter....

A man dies and is waiting to be transported to heaven

He asks Death about what happens next. Death replies "YOU WERE A GOOD MAN ON EARTH , YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN , WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY ETERNAL YOUTH , YOU CAN DO BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT , ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES ". The man thinks to himself, "that's wonderful", and settles down for the journey....

Jim is delivering a truckload of penguins to the zoo

His truck breaks down on the side of the highway and he has no clue what to do. Luckily a friendly fellow with another truck stopped and asked if the guy needed any help. Jim asks the man if he wouldn't mind taking the penguins to the zoo for him, and he would give him $100.

"Sure" the friend...

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".

Well . . . you'll love this story..

from a lady called Claire

"My name is Claire..
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark...

Be first

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."

Kevin turned t...

I've just joined a procrastinators support group.

Ìt is called Wait Watchers.

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Poor Irish Family

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

Story of my divorce

Why did I get divorce, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't get me a present and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy bi...

In Soviet Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...

He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:

'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'

The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.

So he pays for the car in advance, and just before he leaves he asks the owner,
...

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Three dogs are waiting at the vet....

The first dog turns to the second dog and says, "What are you here for?" The second dog says, "Oh I'm a chewer. I chew on everything. Anything I can find I chew up completely." The first dog says, "Oh man you are getting neutered." The second dog says, "Oh no! This is terrible." Then says to the fir...

How do you tell drunk drivers from stoned drivers?

Drunk drivers run stop signs. Stoned drivers stop and wait for them to turn green.

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A woman walks into a bank to deposit $100,000 in cash

The bank manager decides to handle this himself, as it’s such a large deposit. As he is processing her request, he asks, “Do you mind if I ask what it is you do for a living?”.

She says, “I make bets with people…For example, I bet you $50,000 that your testicles are cube shaped, like dice”....

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Two women died and were waiting at the gates of heaven. They talked to each other.

“How did you die?”

“I froze to death. It was painful and took a long time. And you? How did you die?”

“A heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating on me and I came home suddenly. He was alone in our bedroom. But I felt his girlfriend was somewhere! So I spend a long time lookin...

Well dry January is 10 days away from being over and I can't wait for February 1st.

I'm really starting to get tired of all the dry reds, dry whites, dry gin, dry vermouth, etc.

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A woman is waiting in a doctor’s office.

Another woman comes in and sits down, a little bit later she sneezes, then she shudders, the first woman noticed it and thought it was odd. A few minutes later she sneezed and shuddered again, the first woman was quite surprised. A couple more minutes and she sneezes and shudders violently, the firs...

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a joke we tell in Ukraine

A russian, a Ukrainian and an African American guys are sitting in the waiting room while their wives give birth.


The nurse comes out with 3 babies and says "sorry guys, they've got mixed up..let's see whose is whose".
The Ukrainian takes a black kid and runs.
They yell "hold on dud...

A man is about to jump off from a bridge

Just as he's about to take the final leap, a woman yells out at him in the distance.

"Wait! Hold on!"

He's startled, looks over. He sees a cute young woman running towards him, her face conveying deep emotion. She yells out "Wait, just hear me out!"

He's touched. No one has ever...

[Long] One day a Snail decides he’s moving a little too slow..

… so he decides it’s time to get a car. He doesn’t have a lot of money so he buys a used French sedan. The snail is so impressed how fast he gets around town.

From place to place he wizzes by this slug, beetle and worm friends. While that car isn’t a racer by any means, the snail doesn’t kno...

Ben is serving term in prison for fraud. One day he receives a letter from his father, Maurice

Dear Ben,

It looks like I won't be able to plant anything in the garden this year. I am growing too old to do any digging without your help. Looking forward to your early release.

Love, Dad

Ben replies:

Dear Dad,

Please don't dig up the garden - that's where I hid ...

Fred goes to a doctor.

He says, "Doc, I want to be castrated. "

Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation. "

Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a littlee mbarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5...

Wait for it…

“Spread me apart, lick me with your tongue, grab my sides, and eat my cream.” - The Oreo

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

A husband and wife and their ten kids are waiting to board the subway.

When the subway arrives, it is nearly full. The husband tells his wife "Honey, you should board this train with the kids, and I'll catch the next train." The wife does so, and the train departs with his wife and ten children.

While waiting for the train, there is an old man with a walker...

A man is laying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant.

A doctor comes in and says "Congratulations! But unfortunately since this is a new procedure your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford."


The man says to the doctor "Okay, what are they?"

<...

A man is talking to God

A man is talking to God. "God, how long is a million years?"

God answers, "To me, it's about a minute."


Man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"


God: "To me, it's about a penny."


Man: "God, if that's the case, may I have a penny?"


God: "Su...

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A lucky husband

A lucky guy married a girl who ended up being a virgin. He was so excited, he went to his father in law and told him, "thank you for raising such an amazing girl for me to marry."

The wife's father replied with, "Don't thank me, thank her mother."

So, he goes to his mother in law and...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a train car on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thought, “I be...

A dad walks by his son's bedroom...

And hears the kid praying. "God bless mommy, daddy and grandma. Tata, grandpa." The dad can't help but scratch his head. Still, he was glad his kid was praying. And so he went to bed. The next morning, Grandpa was found dead on the floor of a heart attack. The dad is weirded out again, but decides i...

A lady walks into a store and asks where the XL condoms are kept...

A lady walks into a store and asks where the XL condoms are kept.

The manager sends her off to the family planning section.

After ten minutes, the manager takes routine a walk around the store, to check on things. He finds the lady still in the family planning section, humming to herse...

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For my cake day I’ve decided to share my favourite cake recipe

I used to have trouble remembering how I did it, so this time I wrote it down while making it.

You’ll need 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1...bottle Vodka,2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to che...

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I had sex for three hours last night. We role-played as doctor and patient,

and I was in the waiting room for two hours and 58 minutes.

I have bought my wife a fridge for our 10th Anniversary.

I can't wait to see her little face light up when she opens it.

A farmer has 3 daughters, each has a date lined up for the night.

The farmer waits on the front porch for the dates to arrive, shotgun on hand.


The first date shows up and says "Hello sir, I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna go get some spaghetti, is she ready?". The farmer nods, and Eddy and Betty go on their way.


The next date sho...

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