Two women who recently died were waiting at the Gates of Heaven

Woman 1: “So, how did you die?”

Woman 2: “I froze to death.”

Woman 1: “Wow, that must’ve been so painful. I’m so sorry.”

Woman 2: “It was, but after a while you go numb & don’t feel as much. How did you die?”

Woman 1: “Well, I thought my husband was cheating on me. So...

3 men were waiting in line to enter heaven

The angel at the gate asks the first man
"how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "10 times" the man answers. The angel gives him the keys to a 2010 Toyota Camry "this is how you will drive around heaven".
The second man says he cheated on his wife 5 times, the angel gives him a 2018 Lexus...

There is a street corner where hookers wait around to be picked up

On a light post nearby a parrot is hanging around. As he watches he says, “Same old hookers, same old clients”

This is bad for business so one of the hookers get mad at the parrot and throws a rock at him. He falls down onto the ground. The next morning a nun is walking and sees the parrot. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

4 men are in the hospital waiting room waiting for their babies

The nurse walks in and tells the first man: "Congratulations you're having twins."

The man responds: "That's a crazy coincidence, i work for the Minnesota twins."

The nurse tells the second man: "Congratulations you're having triplets."

The man responds: "That's a crazy coincide...

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as
dangerous as a speeder! "So he turns on his lights
and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five
old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the
back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver...

An English man, a Welsh man and a Pakistani man sat waiting in a maternity ward.

The nurse came into the waiting room holding 3 babies.

“sorry gentlemen, there was a little mixup with who’s baby is who’s.”
Sighed the Nurse.

The english man got to his feet and picked up an Asian baby, heading to the exit.

“Hold on, that is clearly my child!”
The Pakista...

Three men are outside of Heavens gate waiting to get in.

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.

The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3...

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

Waiting game

A policeman, patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot, saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting.

Stopping to investigate, he walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35.

Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact b...

A man is laying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant.

A doctor comes in and says "Congratulations! But unfortunately since this is a new procedure your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford."


The man says to the doctor "Okay, what are they?"

<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded doctors waiting room and approached the desk.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded doctors waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into...

A husband and wife and their ten kids are waiting to board the subway.

When the subway arrives, it is nearly full. The husband tells his wife "Honey, you should board this train with the kids, and I'll catch the next train." The wife does so, and the train departs with his wife and ten children.

While waiting for the train, there is an old man with a walker...

A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom.

The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon. Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.

When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and get...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette...

..are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the French...

A boy comes home from a strip club to find his mother waiting for him

Already aware of what her son had been doing, she asks, “And what did you see, young man?”

“Something I wasn’t supposed to.”

“Oh? Your father?”

“No, your mother.”

A old British man is waiting to get in to the Hamburg airport and his fumbling to get his passport when the custom agent says” God sir have you ever been to Hamburg before”

The man says “yes it was the 40s it was dark we didn’t land”

If you think Thursdays are bad, just wait two days...

It will be a sadder day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police captain moved to a small town, upon his arrival the locals warned him there were no women in town ...

He was told that whenever he wanted to get laid he should come near the river and wait for his turn.

He never spoke about the issue with people in town until couple of months in the new job, the captain realised he could no longer wait.

He rushed to the river and saw a long line of men...

A mathematician comes home at three in the morning.

His wife has been waiting for him and says angrily, "You're late. You said you'd be home at 11:45!"

"Actually," the mathematician replies, "I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

A Turkish farmer, Hodja, goes to the mill to get his wheat ground to flour. While he's waiting in line he starts dipping his hand into the sack of the man in front of him and moving handfulls of wheat to his own sack.

The man turns and catches him: "Hodja! What are you doing stealing my wheat!"

Hodja, embarrassed, starts rolling his eyes and jittering: "Huh? What? I don't even know what I'm doing because I'm just craaaaaazy!"

The man says "if you're so crazy, how come you're only putting my grain in...

I went to a car dealership last week and saw a Lamborghini that really caught my eye. I'm just waiting for my paycheck now....

So I can pay for an Uber and go see it again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had sex for three hours last night.

We role-played as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for two hours and 58 minutes.

How do you keep a fool waiting?

I’ll tell you tomorrow.

A fruit bat is visiting a vampire bat's house. Suddenly he hears his friend call out from the kitchen: "could you help, I've lost a lot of blood." He starts to call for the doctor, but suddenly he hears his friend say "wait, nevermind..."

"I just didn't notice it in the back of the fridge."

You can't wait to read The Winds of Winter? The Doors of Stone aren't being written fast enough for you?

You think it's taking too long? You know nothing.

The Epic of Gilgamesh: written ~2100 BCE - ~1200 BCE.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am so glad that I waited until marriage to have sex with someone

sex is way more fun when I'm cheating on my wife!

A man dies and is waiting to be transported to heaven

He asks Death about what happens next. Death replies "YOU WERE A GOOD MAN ON EARTH , YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN , WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY ETERNAL YOUTH , YOU CAN DO BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT , ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES ". The man thinks to himself, "that's wonderful", and settles down for the journey....

A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive.

After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay.

“It doesn't matter,” answers the doctor. “Look, I was having a gin and to...

If you wait long enough to cook dinner...

Everyone will eat cereal.

Follow me for more recipes!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

𝗧𝘄𝗼 𝗻𝗮𝗸𝗲𝗱 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝘁𝘂𝗲𝘀 𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗯𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝗹𝗶𝗳𝗲

There were two statues standing in the park.

One of a naked man, and one of a naked women.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells the...

My waitress said, “I’m so sorry about the wait.”

I said, “It’s okay. Not everyone has time to work out”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy hears about a prostitute at a local motel, so he goes and knocks on the door ...

A voice answers, asking what he wants.
GUY: "I want to get fucked."
Voice: "Sure, slide $20 under the door."
The guy slides it under, stands and waits. After a few minutes pass and the door still hasn't opened, he knocks again...
Guy: "I said, I'm here to get fucked!"
Vo...

Lawyers...?

Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding.

In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."

Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."
<...

"I do not tolerate tardiness," a professor tells his class at the beginning on the semester.

Looking out at the sea of stricken faces in the large lecture hall he continues. "There are 300 of you, and only one of me. I will not allow you to waste my time. If you are late to class, I will count you as absent for the day. If you hand in an assignment late, it will not count towards your grade...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's Catherine and Michael's 15th Wedding Anniversary

>**Catherine:** "You know what, You've bought me enough jewelry the past 15 anniversaries, so this time I'm gonna make it all about you."

*Catherine decides to take Michael to a strip club as a special little gift. They arrive at the strip club, and are greeted by the bouncer at the do...

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest in Canada to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

I’d tell you a joke about waiting for drinks at a party,

But I forgot the punch line.

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

I for one can't wait to grow old and saggy

Then, maybe then, I can finally ride my bicycle without crushing my balls!

Why did 20 Blondies wait outside the bar?

They had to be 21 to enter

What do you call a line of men waiting to get a haircut?

A barberqueue

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

How many American conservatives do you need to screw in a lightbulb?

Ten.

One holds the bulb, the other nine wait for Fox News to spin it.

While waiting in line at the entrance to a museum, my 16-year old daughter ran up to my wife and me and said, “Mom, Dad! We need to get a line form!”

Confused, I said “A line form?” She said, “Yes, I think you have to turn it in right over there before you can go in.” She pointed to the entrance.

That’s when I looked and saw the sign that said “Line Forms Here”.

True story. Bonus facts: She’s now a brilliant NICU nurse so she r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen.

He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, whic...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict an alcoholic and a chain smoker go to a hypnotist.

The hypnotist tells all three while under hypnosis, if they ever indulge in there vices again they will die immediately after.

On the way back from the hypnotist the 3 men are walking by a bar. The alcoholic can't help himself. He says "fuck it. That guy way full shit. There's no way one ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man waiting at the airport overhears some people mention that the Pope will be on board his flight

"the Pope!" He thought. "Getting to see or even meet him would be amazing!"

He boards rhe plane with everyone and luckily enough his seat is right next to his holiness himself.


The man is nervous and doesn't know what to say to him so he remains quiet and begins reading his book. ...

A little girl says to her mother, “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around” “Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.”

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?”

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, “You keep quiet – I’ll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.”

The little girl says, “Daddy to...

It's my cake day, so I wanna share my favorite joke :-)

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to ...

Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.

I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.

Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A few men are waiting in line for ice cream

It was a beautiful sunny day and while the sun stayed shining it began to rain (something that doesn't happen that often)

An old white man at the front of the line turns back to everyone else and says

"Here in America we used to say "The devil's been beatin' his wife" when the weather ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A elderly couple want to spice up their second life

They decide that the woman will take control for that evening.

She pushes the man to the bed and tells him to wait there while she gets changed in the bathroom.

She comes out a few minutes later wearing nothing but a cape, she stands there and yells SUPER VAGINA

The man replies ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Confessions

A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me Father for I have sinned.”

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down....

A man is waiting in a line in the Soviet Union to get food

As he gets closer to the counter, he sees that most people are now walking away empty handed.

When his turn comes, he asks "Hi comrade, I assume you are out of fish?"
"No comrade, you are in the wrong place. We are out of meat. The store across the street is the one that is out of fish".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three nuns are waiting in their monastery, each equally as tired and sweaty in the mid-summer heat

One of the nuns offers to disrobe, which the other two agree upon, seeing the brutal sun. Each of them stand nude in the empty cathedral, doing their daily duties until a knock is heard upon the door.

"Wardrobe man." Says the man, and the first nun repentantly opens the door. The man, unable ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s a gorilla in my tree

A man comes home from work to discover that there is a gorilla in the tree in his backyard. Never having seen this before, he calls a friend to ask for advice. “Don’t worry about it,” his friend says. “I’ve got a guy who can take care of it for you. I’ll send him right over.

Fifteen minutes l...

An Old West dime store writer walks into a dusty town...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?

A Prograsstinator

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In her tinder profile she said she's 32 but also that she has the body of a 16 year old.

But when I asked if I could see a photo she said I need to wait till tomorrow as she is naked and doesn't want to go to the freezer in the basement when it's already so late.

As he pushed in the rectal thermometer, I felt myself getting a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," the vet said

Just a schoolgirl waiting for her dad…

While waiting for my dad, two of the school janitors came outside and started smoking a joint.

When my dad saw us, he ran into the cloud of smoke, grabbed me by the arm and shoved me into the car!

“What’s wrong with you? Why are you angry at ME?” I protested. “I didn’t even do anything...

Two cavemen are waiting at the doctor's office

The first says, "Me name Phil. Me get bee sting. Why you here?"

The second one, covered in blood, smiles and says, "Me name Mike. Me get hit by boulder during rock slide."

The first says, "That must hurt! Why you look so happy?"

The second says, "Me celebrating. It's Mike Ache D...

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 767 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

*"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."*

The Second Coming

Aliens arrive on Earth. Delegations from different countries, religious leaders gather around and ask the newcomers about their lives.
When the Pope's turn comes, he asks: "Do you know about the Savior and our Lord our God, Jesus Christ?"
"Ah, Jesus," the alien replies. "Of course we know him....

Wife: I am going to London for 5 days, what should I get you on my way back?

Husband: A cute British girl.

\*wife returns from London\*

Husband: Where is my gift?

Wife: Wait nine months.

What is a videogame people have been waiting forever and devs never seem to release the sequel?

Formula 1

A man is in a hospital and waits for a nurse to come. After a long time, the nurse comes in and says “Sorry I kept you waiting”

He replies “No worries. I’m patient”

I tried to use a public restroom today, but there was a waiting line

There was a bathroom stall for the bathroom stall

A wife waits outside the doctors office while her husband is in there with him. After a short time, he comes out, crying....

Wife - "Honey, what's wrong?"

Husband - "The doc told me I have to take a pill everyday for the rest of my life!"

Wife - "Well, that's not so bad, I thought it was something much worse!"

Husband - "He only gave me three of them...."

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

[NSFW] an Italian, Englishman and Frenchman are waiting for a bus...

The Frenchman is smelling his fingers, and quietly saying “mmm Fifi”.
The Englishman asks what he’s doing, and the Frenchman explains that every morning he fingers his wife and the smell reminds him of her all day long. The Englishman is disgusted and shares his unflattering opinion on the Frenc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

A woman gives birth to her first child and is laying in bed waiting for some test results to come back.

Eventually after a lengthy wait the doctor arrives and says:

“Ma’am, I have good news and bad news, which would you like first?”

Startled, she exclaims to get the bad news out of the way first.

“Well ma’am, the bad news is that your child is a ginger.”

Relieved that this ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.' So Satan and Jesus sat do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady is standing on the top a ledge over a canyon

She’s about to jump when a homeless guy runs over and says ..

“I know what you’re about to do !”

“How would you like to have sex one last time before you go?”

The lady says, “Typical! You’re just like every other guy…

trying to talk me into having sex instead of jumping o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Poodle, a Cocker Spaniel & a Great Dane are sitting in a veterinarian's waiting room.

The Great Dane asks, "What are you fellas here for?" The Poodle says, " The other night my owner had his boss and his wife over for dinner. I'd been feeling frisky all day and the wife's leg was looking good, so I jumpd up and started humping the heck out of it. She freaked out, my owner was furiou...

(A joke from ancient Rome) A young idiot is told that it looks like his beard is coming in, so he goes down to the gate to wait for it to arrive.

While he's waiting a friend sees him and asks what he's doing. "I'm waiting for my beard, I was told it was coming in." Says the idiot. "No wonder people call you an idiot" says the friend... "How do you know it's not coming in from the other gate?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler dies and goes in front of a hell gate...

St. Peter is waiting, judging him.

They stand in silence when Hitler breaks it:" St. Peter, where am I?"

"Hell, Hitler." he responds.

"Ya, ya, Heil Hitler, but where am I?".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two students are waiting to give their oral tests...

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside

Examiner- Suppose you are traveling by train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student- I will open the window.

Examiner- Great, now suppose that the area of the window is 10 sq. ft, the volume of the car is 1000 cubi...

Sounds legit

A woman was having a problem with her bedroom closet door. It would fall off the hinges whenever the bus went by. She tried several times to fix it herself,but the door would still fall off when a bus went by.
She finally called a repair man. He showed up, looked over the door and found no probl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cinderella wanted to go to a ball one night

But her stepmother said she could not go. Devastated, Cinderella ran up to her room, sat on her bed, and started sobbing.

Not soon later, a fairy godmother came into her room via window. "Would you still luke to go to the ball?" The fairy godmother asked. "Yes!" Cinderella exclaimed. "Ok," t...

A mother and her young daughter were visiting New York City.

The mother was trying to hail a cab when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asked "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that co...

One Adam Twelve

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy's wife is stuck in a toilet.

He tries getting her out - nothing, she's still stuck, unable to get out. So guy calls the plumbing company to come to rescue. They say that they'll be there in half an hour. While waiting, the guy covers his wife's private parts with a sombrero, so she doesn't get embarrassed any further.
Half a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a restaurant that's owned by a friend of his.

He says to his friend, "How's it going? How's the restaurant business?"

His friend says, "It's going pretty good but I got a chef that won't stop jerking off."

He tells him, "Just fire him."

"I can't. He's an amazing cook. You should try his wings. They are amazing."

"The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge, only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic, patronising smirk and asked: "What's your hurry?"

She Replied; "I'm Late For Work!"

"Oh Yeah?", Said The Cop, "What Do You Do?"

"I'm A Rectum Stretcher," She Responded
The Cop Stammered, "A-What...?"

"A Rectum Stretcher!"

"And Just What Does A Rectum Stretcher Do?"

"Well," She Said, "I Start By Inserting One Fi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cop walks over to a bruised and beaten man outside of a pub.

He asks the man what happened and the man tells him this; "So I walk into the pub and sit down and as im waiting for my drink I overhear two large women talking with a strange accent. So I ask them 'Are you two ladies from Ireland?' One of them scoffs and tells me "it's Wales dumbass." So I ask agai...

3 Guys are waiting in line to enter heaven

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first guy, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've sus...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gentleman was waiting for his buddy at the pub,

but after an hour of waiting, he became irritated.

Low and behold, his friend Dave FINALLY arrived.

The gentleman asked; "what took you so long, I've been waiting here for an hour!"

Dave began to apologize and told him; "I'm sorry bro, I met this wonderful woman by the railway...

Why are Nordic languages so hard to understand?

English: A dog.

Swedish: What?

English: The dog.

English: Two dogs.

Swedish: Okay. We have: En hund, hunden, Två hundar, hundarna.

German: Wait, I wan’t to try it too!

English: No, go away.

Swedish: No one invited you.

German: Der Hund.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 college students accidentally miss the math final exam

The next day they both went to plead with their professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the other...

One night, back when I was in my late 20's, I was at a bar having a cold one.

An attractive older woman - probably late 30's or early 40's - sat down next to me, and we began chatting. After a couple hours and several drinks, she asks me, "Hey, have you ever had a threesome with a mother and daughter?"

"No, I haven't," I reply.

"Would you like to?" she asks, ey...

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

A massive stomachache.

Wait, you didn't think I was going to make a pie joke on my cake day, did you??

Lady brings a bunny into a vet's waiting room.

A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does not want to be there. "Sit, Fluffy," she says.

Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

"I said sit, now there's a good Fl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The lion gathered the whole jungle and said…

Who ever jumps from the top of that mountain gets to fuck my wife.
The lion then goes to the bottom of the mountain and patiently waits.
1 hour goes by
2 hours go by
Then suddenly, the lion hears a scream.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAA” *Dump*
A bear lands on the floor frantically gets up and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman calls 911 and paramedics rush her unconscious husband to the hospital She limps into the ER as the nurses wheel him in on a stretcher,

his enormous erection clearly visible under the sheet. The doctor runs some tests and says to her "Ma'am, it appears your husband overdosed on Viagra and is in a coma. How long has he been like this?"

"About 4 days" she replies

"4 days?! Why did you wait until now to get help?"

...

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

The cow Elsa

A wealthy farmer is away from home for a business meeting shortly over a week now when suddenly his phone rings in the middle of the night. The calling number is that of his country estate!

Caller: "Yes, this is your butler. I just wanted to tell you that your cow Elsa had died."

Farme...

After I've been waiting at the drive through they call me fat.

And they say it like it's their fault.

"Welcome sir. I'm sorry about your wait. Can I take your order?"

When you think about it I guess it kind of is their fault.

What's the difference between a drunk and a stoner?

When driving, a drunk will approach a stop sign and may speed right through it.

A stoner will actually stop... and wait for it to turn green.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I swear autocorrect is amazing.

No that's not what I said, I meant to say autocorrect is wonderful.

No! That's not it either. Autocorrect is a piece of technology I couldn't live without. Praise autocorrect.

Oh you gotta be kidding me. No one likes you autocorrect, they love you.

I didn't even type that.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Was waiting at an AMT…

Standing behind and old lady who was peering at the screen. She turned round , adjusted her glasses and asked me in a frail voice if I could check her balance for her?

I gave her a push and as she fell over I said: not that fucking great.

Covid vaccine side effects

So I’m in line for my covid vaccine and there’s an older gentleman in front of me…

We get called up simultaneously and both get sat next to each other.
I over heard his discussion with the doctor…

“What’s is your insurance? Date of birth? When was your last appointment?”

The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Want to know the worst part about calling a prostitute?

Waiting for her to arrive only to find your mother, aunt, and older sister there.

Roger was a simple man but everyone in town knew him.

For many decades he worked alone at his picture framing store, Abbott's Framing, which was on Main St. and he would often sit outside on a chair, chatting with many of the locals. One day old Roger passed away and they held his funeral under a big oak tree with a large framed picture of him sporting...

Cannot wait to become a proud American!

I'm not immigrating or anything, I'm just not proud to be American.

An American woman goes to Italy on business and asks her husband what she could bring back for him.

He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"

When she returns home he picks her up at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good," she replies.

"And did you bring something home for me?"

"Something, did I forget?" she asks.

"The Italian girl I asked ...

Two blondes wait at a bus stop

Two blondes wait at a bus stop.

A bus pulls up and opens the door.

One of the blondes leans inside and asks the driver, "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"

The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm sorry."

The other blonde leans inside and asks, "How about ME?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were these three guys at the lake, a German, an Englishman and a Nigerian.

The German took out his dick, put it in the water, waited a while and told the others: "I can feel the water it's a 32 degrees Celsius".


The other two were amazed. "Let me try", the Englishman said. So he put his organ in the water, waited and said: "To be more exact, the temperature i...

A man was waiting for a bus one day, when he noticed a young blonde woman digging a hole...

...and another blonde immediately filling the hole back in with dirt. He watches as they move up the street doing this over and over again. The first blonde digs a hole, and the second one fills the dirt right back in. After a few minutes, he decides to ask them "excuse me, what are you ladies doing...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was the first night of the newlyweds in their bridal suite and...

The young husband was staring out the window very intently into the starry night while his young bride was sitting patiently in bed waiting. “Aren’t you coming to bed darling?” she said sexily. ”Not in your life!” he replied. “My mother said this would be the most wonderful night of my life and I’m ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.