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My wife said that if this post reaches more than 1000 upvotes she will agree to anal

with her boyfriend

My girlfriend left me because she said I never agree with her

That is such a lie!

Apparently many cannibals agree that people that have been in multiple shipwrecks taste better.

You could say that they prefer seasoned survivors.

5 out of 6 scientists agree

Russian roulette is completely safe

My wife wouldn’t agree to installing a mirror on our bedroom ceiling!

She can’t stand to see me enjoy myself!

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Why did the heterosexual guy agree to go out with a guy?

It was a mandate

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A new law is passed in the wild west, which states: “For every Indian scalp one shall receive $10 as a reward.” Two cowboys agree to go bounty hunting the next day.

They set out early in the morning but spend the whole day without any luck. Finally, tired and exhausted, the two cowboys wander upon a lone Indian, obviously lost from his tribe.

Out of desperation they catch him, cut off his scalp, throw it in a bag and leave the body lying there.

Th...

Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why Hooters?”

“They have those servers with the beautiful bosoms, the tight shorts, and the gorgeous legs.”

“You’re on.”

At age 42, they meet and play golf ...

All my friends say that I play the piano very loudly, and I agree with them.

Because after all, that is my forte.

What is the one thing a medical professional and an herbalist can agree on that will fix anything?

Thyme

My family couldn't agree on whether to get grandpa buried or cremated...

...so in the end we just let him live.

What’s the only way to get American Democrat’s and Republicans to agree on something?

Elect a third party candidate for president. They will agree to disagree with everything he or she does.

Republicans and Democrats never agree on anything

Republicans said the temperature is -40° F
And democrats immediately said it was -40° C.

Somebody says video games don't have any impact on your psyche. I can't agree with that.

My Ex-girlfriend played Tetris a lot in her childhood.



She's still waiting for a long stick.

We can all agree that segregation was wrong and separate but equal was horrible. But we can all agree it works wonders...

On eyebrows.

You guys may not agree with me but I personally believe that anti-vax kids will make it to 20

2020 that is

We can all agree the opposite of pro is con, right?

In that case, the opposite of progress is...

Congress

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I don't normally see eye to eye with most Trump supporters, but if there's one thing we do agree on...

It's that the president of Puerto Rico is the dumbest son of a bitch to ever hold public office.

Why won't round earthers ever agree with flat earthers?

They're just not on the same level.

What can Donald Trump and I both agree on?

That if Ivanka wasn't Trump's daughter, I would date her.

My wife and I can never agree on holidays

I want to fly to exotic places and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.

My friend and I can't agree on what his job title at the rabbit farm actually is, he calls himself a processor while I say he is a butcher...

... Either way, he is just splitting hares.

When Canada was being formed, they couldn't agree on what to name the new country.

They figured they'd at least need to figure out what the first letter should be. There were a few suggestions.

The first guy said "C, eh?"

The next said "N, eh?"

The third said "D, eh?"

And thus, Canada was born.

If you don’t agree with someone, walk a mile in their shoes.

Not only will you be a mile away from them, you’ll also have their shoes.

A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment.

The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the w...

To all of the single women out there, I on behalf of millions of other men agree that the slogan "a best way to a man's heart is his stomach"...

should not be interpreted by vegans.

We can argue all day about what the best card game is but I think we can all agree...

Uno is number 1

My girlfriend dumped me because she didn’t agree with my politics

I’m right and she left

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I genuinely just copied and pasted this off the weight watchers website...

r/jokes has a discord and you need to join!

Because I am getting pretty dam sick of y'all agreeing with each others.

I don't agree with what these people say. Obesity doesn't run in the family.

The problem is, nobody runs in the family.

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9 out of 10 doctors agree

The other guy should really chill the fuck out.

Peter Pan and Captain Hook agree to a truce. (LONG)

After years upon years of fighting, kidnapping/fairynapping, and pilfering, the two rivals decide to agree to a truce, as both are realizing that their hearts are no longer in the fight. They agree that Pan and the Lost Boys will stay mostly on the mainland, and Hook and the Pirates will stay out to...

As a customs and immigration officer, I might not always agree with you,

But I can see where you are coming from.

I absolutely hate to admit this, but I actually agree with Kavanaugh on this.

“I drank beer with my friends. Almost everyone did. Sometimes I had too many beers. Sometimes others did. I liked beer. I still like beer.”

A mathematician and an engineer agree to take part in an experiment.

The were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said, "this is pointless" and stormed out. The engineer agreed t...

How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.


** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me
they found this offensive. I reread it and I
agree. Here is the updated version of the
joke:


Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from
drowning?


A. Take your foot off his or her head.
...

Remember in Monopoly, when some insufferable kids couldn't agree who was banker, they'd refuse to play completely?

Welcome to the shutdown...

4 out of 5 doctors agree

that the 5th doctor is an idiot

10 out of 10 mathematicians agree

that only 1 mathematician was surveyed.

I know some of you aren't going to agree with me...

But people with glasses don't look good.

Why do cellular biologists never agree with mathematicians?

For them, division and multiplication are the same thing.

Nine of ten doctors agree:

Getting paid to endorse things is awesome

9 of 10 doctors agree good things come to those who wait

The 10th doctor needs more patients though.

Wouldn't you all agree that you just sleep better naked?

I don't understand why the flight attendant was yelling at me...

Since Kim Jong Un clearly likes Trump, can we finally all agree that Trump is...

very Un-attractive?

A French monk wrote a manifesto stating that every woman would agree to sell her body for money. The manifesto was read by the Queen of France and she invited the monk for a chat.

- So, you're stating that every women would agree to sell herself?
- Yes.
- Me too?
- Of course.
- And how much do you think I would cost?
- 500 francs.
- What?! Only 500 francs?!
- Here you go - you've already started to negotiate.

I do agree that its healthy to laugh at your own mistakes...

But if you are a plastic surgeon you should probably do it in private.

TIL that 9/10 Doctors agree , drinking water is good for children

The tenth doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement.

In the end you ignore it all and just click "I agree"

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Would you agree that if 1/3 = .3 repeating and 3/3 = .9 repeating and 3/3 = 1 then

I still haven’t lost my virginity

I think we can all agree on one thing, just how much we hate...

clickbait titles.

Sure, I could agree with you....

Buy why should we BOTH be wrong?

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

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Why did the porn star agree to double penetration?

It increased her in cum.

Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?

That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?

[NSFL] 9 out of 10 people agree that...

...gang rape is great.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I agree that there should be different NSFW tags for violent and sexual content

Nothing changes my mood more than seeing naked people while I'm trying to enjoy horrible gore.

I know that we don't all agree on our new president

But at least the first lady is someone we can all get behind.

Can we all agree to lay off the fat people jokes?

They have a lot on their plate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 out of 5 bosses, agree that their employees must be drug-free before and after getting hired.

The fifth boss is a cool motherfucking legend.

To settle their differences, Jesus and Muhammed agree to pistols at dawn, Jesus wins...

...because drawing Muhammed is forbidden.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you agree to this vote?

EA and Hitler are in a room deciding who is the worst. Hitler says "i killed millions of people!" and EA says "We ruined millions of game franchises!".

They hold a vote

As they sit in opposite rooms patiently waiting for who is worse

Satan come is and says the people have decide...

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There are 3 things that all religions can agree on.

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah, Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the head of the Church and Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

9 out of 10 Americans agree

...that out of 10 Americans, one American will always disagree with the other nine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

House republicans couldn't agree on contraceptive coverage...

... so they just pulled out instead.

What can a mathematician and a pedophile agree upon?

11 is a prime number.

My grandfather once said that we're starting to rely way too much on technology; that it's important we remind ourselves to live without it. I honestly had to agree with him.

So, I unplugged his life support.

The eyebrows agree they deserve a raise...

The eyebrows agree that they deserve a raise.

They say to the man, "hey, we've done exactly what you've asked for years with little compensation. We deserve a raise!"

The man looked surprised.

The eyebrows said, "Thank you."

I agree

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold soda.

The day was really quite beautiful,
and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about the age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in th...

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Two married men agree; no more ladies' nights.

On their way home from a great ladies night out, two married women have the sudden urge to tinkle. There are no restaurants or shops nearby, so the women run into a nearby cemetery and pee behind some headstones. One of the women uses her panties to wipe while the other grabs a nearby flower wreath....

Well if there's one thing we can all agree on regarding tomorrow's inauguration ...

Orange is the new Black

A Communist, Socialist and Capitalist all agree to meet at a cafe.

The Communist and the Capitalist arrive on time but the Socialist is late.

A hour later, the Socialist rushes in.

'Sorry I'm late guys' he said, 'I had to wait in line for a sausage'.

'What's a line?' asked the Capitalist.

'What's a sausage?' asked the Communist

2 christians were stranded in a desert.

The first was called John and the second was called Jack. They were extremely hungry and thirsty.

In the distance, they saw a mosque gleaming in the middle of no where.

John suggested to go and pay the mosque's Imam a visit and ask for some food and water. Jack agreed but suggested to ...

I agree with Trump and Clinton,

Neither one is qualified to be president.

"Aw man, who's going to agree to play Frodo in the Lord of the Rings movies?"

"Elijah Would."

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