A bus full of ugly people unexpectedly crashes and kills everyone on board

Everyone shows up at the Gates of Heaven where God comes to meet them all Himself. "Gee guys, I didn't intend for that to happen, I'm really sorry. I can't just resurrect you all, but to make up for it I'll grant you all one wish before I let you in." The first person steps up and thinks for a momen...

Unexpected

She: Why is your shirt smudged with ink blots?

He: I refilled a printer cartridge at work today.

Octopus under their bed: *whispers* Tell her about us, you chicken.

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The best thing in life is unexpected sex in the morning

Unless you're in prison

A woman pregnant with twins goes into labor unexpectedly.

Her brother drove her to the hospital, since her husband was away on business. It was a very risky delivery, and the doctors had to put her under during the procedure.

The woman woke up and immediately asked, "Are my babies okay?"

The nurse on call said reassuringly, "Oh yes, your chi...

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it is.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happ...

Today i got a wage increase unexpectedly.

I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5 % raise.

Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?” I responded, “The gas, electric and cable company.”

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Male vampires account for 0% of all unexpected pregnancies.

This is because they need permission to cum inside.

What do you call an unexpected wiggle on a straight graph?

A plot twist.

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly to a recently married couple's house...

She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch completely naked.
"What are you doing?" She asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law ex...

Unexpected Resort Prices

1 = Husband 2 = Cashier

A couple went for their 10th anniversary, went to a luxurious resort for 3 days.

On the last day the couple went to checkout, and found out they were charged 18.000 dollars.

1) Wait, since when we were charged 18000?
2) The suite you chose costs 30...

Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race and changes your life forever.

We call these people cops.

I was browsing in a bookstore and found an English book about unexpected uses for a pry bar.

50 Ways to Love Your Lever.

TIL that Austrian physicist Erwin Schrodinger suffered from a debilitating bowel condition that would often result in him soiling himself unexpectedly.

However, it was impossible for him to tell when he had had an accident, and lived in a perpetual state of both being soiled and unsoiled simultaneously.

This became known as Schrodinger's Scat.

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An unexpected surprise for Santa

Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.

She says "Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you'd like to come into my bedroom."

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Santa’s gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you k...

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

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Unexpectedly, an artist's wife starts having sex with him every day.

Though quite unusual, he didn't question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride.

One day, his wife approached him. "Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What should I draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her,...

The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say...

..."This is the whey"



(Sorry)

A fairy once appeared and told a family couple

"For 25 years you were a wonderful family couple. I now shall grant each of you one wish."
The wife went first.
"I want to travel the world with my dearly beloved husband'.
The fairy waved her magic wand, and instantly in the wife's hand appeared plane tickets and travel vouchers.
But u...

Did you guys hear about that unexpected volcano eruption?

It was rather pompeiineous

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Shopping at Tiffany’s

A lady walks into Tiffany’s, looks around, spots a beautiful diamond necklace and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely at it, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a salesman wasn’...

The soldier guards a military hangar with rifle in hands

The soldier guards a military hangar with rifle in hands when a man walks up to him and says:


-Hey pal, can I buy your rifle?


-Of course not! There are fighter jets stored in here, what am I gonna if something happens and I dont have a gun?


-Dont worry, you could jus...

If you’re ever trying to do something unexpected, don’t steal someone’s abacus.

They’ll be counting on that.

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I once had an unexpected run-in with a guy with a premature ejaculation problem.

He just came out of nowhere.

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An unexpected outcome of quarantine for men is when you realize that

your balls have never experienced such extended periods of freedom.

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So a woman was in bed with her lover when her husband unexpectedly came back early from a business trip.

She said, "Quick! Stand in the corner." And she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's...

The most unexpected effect of Corona Virus is it changes the taste of the food you eat

Nothing is wrong with your taste buds, all kitchen staff have started washing their hands!

I just wanted to share some exciting news! Today I was the unexpected high bidder in an auction for the worlds best sounding pigeon...

It is quite a coup!

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A gunman stops a driver driving through a scary countryside road and says "Step out of the car and take your dick out..."

Driver: *freezes at this unexpected turn of events*

Gunman: *In a louder voice* "Do it"

Driver: "Please don't shoot. I'll do whatever you ask"

Driver proceeds to step out of the car and take his pants off.

Gunman: "Now start masturbating or I'll put a bullet in your head"...

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

When the sultan entered his harem unexpectedly

his wives let out a terrified sheikh!

What do you call an unexpected birth?

A Kinder Surprise.

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A good joke should have unexpected turns, cross a few lines, keep you on the edge of your seat, make you wonder how the hell it's all gonna end and may even make you piss yourself. Pretty simple guidelines.

I try to use them when I make jokes. My wife tried to use them when she drove me to work today.

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A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

I'm making a list of the worst places to get unexpected diarrhea

Number 2 may surprise you

What is the most unexpected dance?

The coincidance.

An award given unexpectedly to only Knighted Men:

The sir prize.



Please feel free to improve this one >\_<

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What is the most unexpected place for piercing on women's body?

Dick

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A couple decides to spice up their sex life

The man asks his wife, “let’s try doing the “Bill Clinton”, where you blow me as I’m working”.

The wife says “ok, as long as we don’t do the “JFK”, where you splatter all over me unexpectedly”.

My gf told me that I act like a clown

It was so unexpected and upsetting I stopped juggling and almost fell off my unicycle.

A hurricane comes unexpectedly.

The ship goes down and is lost. A man finds himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to five-star hotels, this guy has no idea what to do, so for the next four months he eats bananas, drinks coconut juice and longs for his...

What was the most unexpected summer hit of all time?

DES...





PA....




-nish Inquisition

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Unexpected sex – that’s a great way to wake up...

If you are not in a prison.

They say to always to expect the unexpected

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition

My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river…

I did it but it broke my heart.

I quite liked her dad…

Took an unexpected turn

A man Runs Over a woman's Cat. Mortified, he picks up the cats body and knocks on the woman's door.


Seeing the cat, she bursts into tears.


"I'm sorry." Said the man, "I didn't see him until it was too late."


Feeling bad for the distraught woman shedding tear...

I had my teeth cleaned and they charged me a lot of unexpected fees.

They were for incidentals.

9 months later!!!

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm
and asked the attractive lady who answered the
door if they could spend the nigh...

What do colorblind people say to the unexpected?

Well that came out of the purple

Interviewer: It says here you're skilled at saying unexpected things?

Me: Yes, I am.
Interviewer: Hmm, I thought you were going to say something unexpec-- oh, you're good.

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My proctologist tried to ease the awkwardness after the unexpected orgasm by telling me it's perfectly natural,

I just wish he'd have aimed away from me.

Hunter Biden lands unexpected job as a new daddy

Mother of child claims Hunter Biden had no previous experience in child-making.

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My girlfriend sent me something unexpected.

I was having trouble with a chemistry pop quiz in school. I texted her "Sn?" She sent nudes. I just needed to know what Sn meant.

Not only was John F. Kennedy's assassination an unexpected thing...

It was also mind blowing.

Two Philosophers and a YouTuber Meet in the Dead of Night to Discuss their Darkest Secrets

They begin by releasing their darkest secrets in exchange for more secrets. After each of them let out their darkest secrets, the YouTuber asks for a break.

The philosophers tell him that he can take a break, so the YouTuber wanders off while the philosophers remain at the table. With just th...

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How to tell an unexpected joke

Oh fuck, this isn't Google.

I unexpectedly had a good time today.

I was sitting next to a blonde on the train and as my station was coming up I said;

"Please excuse me, I'd like to get off".

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A woman's husband dies unexpectedly, and as per his wishes, she has him cremated.

Once she gets home, she sets his urn on their patio table. "Honey, there are so many things I wish I could have told you before you had passed." she says. "I don't know if you can hear me, but I'll do my best to say them all now."



She sits down in a chair, chin propped on her hands. "...

What is the difference between a piece of fabric with elastic around the edges, designed to go on a bed, and an unexpected bout of diarrhea when wearing sandals?

One is a fitted sheet...

So this woman had some heart troubles….

She went to see her doctor who prescribed testosterone.

About a month later she returns for a checkup. Doctor asks her how she’s been. She says: "Fine, but I have some unexpected hairgrowth in unusual places."
Doc says: "really? Like where?"

She says: "at my balls"…

My teacher gave me a bad grade on my essay, she said the ending was “too unexpected”.

Guess I’ll never end it with the Spanish inquisition in that class ever again...

When my three-years-old was told to pee in a cup at the doctor's office, he unexpectedly got nervous.

With a shaking voice he asked, "Do I have to drink it?"

What do you call an unexpected pruning tool?

A non-secateur.

How do you call an unexpected Chinese guy?

Sudden-Lee

Unexpected handjobs are the best...

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the g...

My audio editor keeps shutting down unexpectedly while I'm working.

The Audacity.

My husband is like a phone update.

He comes unexpectedly and takes up more space.

I should have been more attentive; my pot has unexpectedly boiled over

Honestly. It was a little soup rising.

Have you seen the videos in which people confuse their pets by disappearing unexpectedly?

I’m sick of that sheet.

What happened to Post Malone after his unexpected death?

A Post Mortem.

A lot of things can be unexpected in life. For example...

you thought I would be giving an example.

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My new years resolution was to keep a daily outdoor fitness schedule but I unexpectedly got food poisoning

So far I haven't been gone for any morning runs but I sure have had a fuckload of the morning runs.

My boss fired an employee unexpectedly today and everyone wants to know why...

I think it's because he was caught with a bag of cocaine. But regardless, our boss told us to keep our noses out of it.

I unexpectedly won a free trip to the most scenic part of the California central coast.

It was a Big Sur prize.

What do you call an award given for an unexpected handjob?

A Pull-it Surprise.

The other day I unexpectedly bought a cat.

It was an impulse purrchase.

Motel insurance scam (x-post /r/Unexpected)

A few years ago, I lived in a small rural town in southwestern Texas, near the border with Mexico. My town had a few rich people living in it, and among these was my neighbor. He was a doctor, and also owned a little motel called the Spanish Inn. It was a nice place, and the doctor enjoyed keeping u...

I unexpectedly found out I’m color blind

That sure came out of the yellow

A couple of cosmonauts were heading to the moon when the unexpectedly turned around

Turns out the moon was full

A young engaged couple were very much lookimg forward to their marriage.

One Sunday afternoon they went out for a drive in the country, and had a terrible head-on collision with a heavy truck.

Suddenly they found themselves unexpectedly at heaven’s gates, to the surprise of St Peter also. “How come you two are here?” he asked, “You weren’t due here for another fif...

What's the worst part about an unexpected box of Crayons?

It's out of the blue.

The psychic convention was unexpectedly cancelled.

No one had foreseen this.

What do you call an unexpected gifts store?

Present Supplies

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A woman was having an affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.

One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover, “into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom di...

Did you hear the one about the soldier who came home unexpectedly ?

His wife woke up to find him standing at the foot of the bed with his discharge in his hands.

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to give it an unexpected twist at the end.

EDIT: Thank you for the silver!

EDIT AGAIN: Thank you for the gold and platinum! I am honored!

Bilbo Baggins wakes up suddenly to “Don’t Stop Believing”.

It was an unexpected Journey.

Irish Cow Joke

There is an old dirt farm family who have nothing of value in this world but their milk cow. Now this was z good milk cow, which gave good high quality milk which they were able to sell and get along, so the family was actually very content. Well one day the father gets up early to milk the cow, as ...

How Egyptians solve problems.

In Cairo there is a large hole in the ground left over from a construction project that was never finished. Everyday several people unexpectedly walk right into the hole and are badly injured.

By the time the ambulance arrives and brings the victims to the hospital it is often too late to sa...

I hate talking about my sudden unexpected erections...

But sometimes it just comes up.

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Everyone knows Charles Dickens as a famous author of great classics. Lesser known is his short-lived Apple Cider business. He had to close it after complaints of unexpected pregnancies.

It may seem strange, but what do you expect when you have Dickens Cider?

Why was Pluto's child unexpected?

Because it didn't plan it.

In 1940 Russia, a poor man with no car was late to his daughter's wedding. He hitchhiked there with an unexpected guest who drove very slowly. What did he tell his daughter?

"Sorry I'm late. My ride was Stalin."

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A couple has a male friend visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling...

Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning. "Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here." The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: Husband in the ...

Unexpectedly meeting a celebrity is cool, unless....

It's Chris Hansen.

Homeless man tells the tale

I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, “Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I ...

A Chinese boy was unexpectedly born early...

He was named "sudden Lee"

"I don't like to call it the One Ring"

"I prefer 'unexpected item in the Baggins area'"

TIFU by clicking on a link that read "Click to see something unexpected!"

Spanish Inquisition.

A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.

A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the pl...

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