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If I could have sex with any person on the planet

I would

Can we ban "yo mama" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times

Just like yo momma

Johnny and Susie were playing naked, wondering why they have different “parts”

When Johnny got home he asked his mother why he had a stick and Susie had a hole. Johnny’s mother said “oh son, you have a Ferrari, and Susie has a garage; the time will come and you’ll park your Ferrari in her garage”

When Susie got home she asked her father why she had a hole and Johnny had...

A doctor is delivering a baby. The head comes out and the baby says “Hey, you my dad?”. The doctor is shocked, says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother. The doctors calls the gynaecologist over to have a look.

Again the baby’s head pops out, “Hey, you my dad!?” The gynaecologist says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother.

The doctor and gynaecologist decide they better get the father who was too squeamish to be in the delivery room.

So the father looks between his wife’s legs. The b...

My Chinese flatmate asked "have you seen my cocaine?"

Me: "yes, he was brilliant in The Italian Job"

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

What does a man who's had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?

Decorative balls.

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Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch, thinking that their wife should be really happy.

The only thing that flat-earthers have to fear...

is sphere itself.

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A couple are about to have sex, when the man reaches for some lube...

Opening a new bottle, he notices the protective tape on the cap has already been torn off, suggesting the bottle may have tampered with.

That's weird, he thinks to himself.

"Do not use if seal is missing" it reads on the bottle.

The man thinks for a second, but not wanting to ru...

Without Arabs, we wouldn't have 9/11.

We'd have IX/XI instead.

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A dumb kid walks into an ice cream shop... Kid: “I’ll have a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate please.” Clerk: “Sorry kid, we're out of chocolate.”

Kid: “OK. Make it a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate.”

Clerk: “No, no, you don't understand, it’s *chocolate* we're out of,”

Kid: “Ah, OK. Then gimme a scoop of raspberry, and a scoop of chocolate.”

Clerk: “Listen kid, can you spell the VAN in vanilla?”

Kid: “...

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I always wondered why my wife brings me cake when we have sex....

Turns out she likes to celebrate the little things.

My boyfriend is upset that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

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I have sex almost everyday of the week

Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday, almost on Thursday, almost on Friday, almost on Saturday and almost on Sunday

A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"

His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."

He asks, "Whose is it?"

His wife replies, "Yours!"

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My girlfriend said that having a 3" penis is okay.

Still, I wish she didn't have one.

A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady at a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink. "Don’t you have a girlfriend?" she asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "OK then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love...

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I don't have sex with my sister because it's unacceptable and gross.

I have sex with her because it's kinky.

Teslas do not have “New Car” smell…

They have an Elon Musk

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Last night my wife wanted to have sex in the backseat of the car

And she wanted me to drive

You could have.

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the roo...

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What do jokes and vaginas have in common?

>!The bad ones are really cheesy.!<

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Having big boobs is overrated

So, I myself have big boobs and I have no idea why people wish they had big boobs so badly. They're so annoying and don't look good and I've even been mocked for the size of my boobs. I wish I had small boobs and would happily exchange mine for smaller boobs, especially since I'm a dude.

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

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Why couldn’t the lemon and lime have sex?

Because they were cousins and that would be inzest.

Top Biblical experts have reached the conclusion that Adam and Eve were Soviet citizens

They had no clothes, one apple between the two of them and they thought they were in paradise.

When I die, I have but 2 requests.

The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland.

The second, I don’t want to be cremated.

What do "I'm pregnant", "we're pregnant" and "she's pregnant" have in common?

They all have *contractions*.

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If She Stayed In Italy To Raise The Child, He Would Also Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for t...

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"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife. "If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her." "You mean 'than'."

"No."

What do adult cam models and anti-vaxxers have in common.

Both end up lying in bed deep-throating a plastic tube.

I don’t know why people hate China. I love it and can’t say I have a whole lot wrong with it.

It just sucks they’ve been stuck on that island for so long.

What does a dog and a near-sighted gynecologist have in common?

A wet nose

I have bought my wife a fridge for Christmas.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

What do Pro-Vaxxers and Anti-Vaxxers have in common?

They'll never be fully vaccinated.

I have a girlfriend with a lazy eye. She's the best.

Whenever I make a mistake she always looks the other way.

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Sitting on the examination table, a man says “D-D-Doctor I have a t-terrible st-t-utter and it ruins my p-p-professional and p-p-personal life.”

The doctor checks him out almost everywhere but sees no problem.

He says “take off your pants for me”.

The man hesitates but abides.

The doctor inspects him and says “I see! Your penis is about 6 inches too long, it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing you to stutter”. ...

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I have my steaks like I have sex!

Very rare.

Over 99.99% of people that took the vaccine for the 1918 Spanish Flu have passed away.

This seems very suspicious to me!

For thousands of years two powerful Chinese families, the Wong's and the Lee's, have been at war. Their battles have become history. Their members have become legends. Through all the years they've fought eachother, they have become more powerful than any other family in history.

Their constant quarrels and need to outperform eachother has caused them to form the basis of the modern world. When the Wong's invented toilet paper, the Lee's went on to invent the bidet. When the Lee's discovered how to make iron weapons, the Wong's spent years discovering the secrets of steel....

I have a chicken proof lawn

It's impeccable

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What does sex and the U.S. Military have in common?

When you pull out at the wrong time you end up wasting 20 years and a lot of money

What do oak trees and absentee fathers have in common?

Nuts and leaves.

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It's said that guys with big feet have big penises, and guys with big cars have small penises

Now I understand why so many people are afraid pf clowns

If your wife ever asks you which of her friends you want to have a threesome with,....

Do not give two names!

And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Why does 10 have PTSD?

Because it was in the middle of 9 11.

What does a toolbox and a deadbeat dad have in common?

Screws, nuts, and bolts.

What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

You have to be asleep before they can slide down the chimney

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What does a bungee cord and a hooker have in common?

They're cheap and fast, but if the rubber breaks you're fucked.

How do you know if you have a high sperm count?

She has to chew before she swallows!

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When a man and a woman have simultaneous oral sex, we call it 69. What do we call it if it is two men in a similar position?

Eleven.

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I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive

My girlfriend lives 110 miles away

I went to a Indian restaurant last night. After I had ordered, a little old lady came to me and said, "Aren't you polite. You have such lovely manners."

It was my complimentary nan

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

Cracking open a cold one.

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I have 100% legit proof that masks don't do shit!

My wife went on a trip to her sister's.
On the plane they made her wear a mask.
Didn't do shit - she got chlamydia anyway!

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Tampax have announced they will be removing the string from their tampons

and replacing it with tinsel, this is for the Christmas period only.

What do a tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common?

Someone's going to lose a mobile home

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Pregnant Girlfriend Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms every time we have sex. Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke? Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.

Guy...

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"what is it like to have a penis?"

sometimes it's hard

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My sister and girlfriend have the same name

I think its a bit disgusting when everytime we have sex I think about my girlfriend

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

A couple are having dinner at a nice restaurant. A lovely young woman walks up to the table, kisses the man on the cheek, and says, "See you later, sweetie" before walking away. The wife is livid.

"Who the hell was that, and what did she mean about seeing you later?"

"That's just my mistress, Laura."

"You have a mistress, and she has the nerve to walk up to us in public? This is unforgivable. I want a divorce."

"Honey, she means nothing to me. Just a bit of harmless fun. ...

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What do premature ejaculators and hide and seek have in common?

Ready or not, here I come

Man 1: I have a half sister. Man 2: Different father?

Man 1: No, shark attack.

A Mexican politician and an American politician are having dinner

They are eating at the American politician's house. A 6 bedroom house with a 2 Mercedes Benz at the front. And a 500 square foot garden.

The Mexican politician remarked how nice his house was and how he was able to afford it.

The American politician said: "see that highway over there?...

What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?

They are both Paris sites

The teacher asked Little jimmy, “if I give you 4 cats today and 2 more tomorrow, how many cats will you have?” Little Jimmy said, “Seven” The teacher said, “no Jimmy, four plus two equals six. Why did you say seven?

Little Jimmy said, because I already have a cat!”

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Porn sites have a "sort by most viewed" feature!

What's the world coming to?

What do a pistol and candy have in common?

When you pull them out of your backpack suddenly everyone at school wants to be your friend.

What do a giant squid and a paid hooker have in common

They both eat seamen

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A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass.

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one women, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor women replied. "We have to eat gras...

What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people....

One alien says to another, “The dominant life forms on the planet earth appear to have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.”

The second alien replies, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”

The first alien says, “I don’t think so, they have them aimed at themselves.”

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Two old lawyers who haven't seen each other in years finally get together to have some lunch.

"Life is good," one says, but lately I've noticed I've been getting pretty old. Like, I've been having a Freudian slip or two."

"How do you mean?" says the other.

"Well for instance, last week I was at the train station and I was headed to Pittsburgh. And when I walked up to the counte...

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[NSFW!] What's Lady gaga's favourite way to have sex?

Raw raw, raw raw raw!

Why does Indiana Jones have such a hard time getting a girlfriend?

Bad dates.

Why do mice have such small balls?

Because very few of them know how to dance.

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A woman home alone, answers a knock on the door to a man who just stood there and asked, "Do you have a vagina?"

She slams the door in disgust and tells her husband that night when he got home from work.

The next morning she answers a knock on the door. Its the same man and he asks the same question. "Do you have a vagina?"

Once again she slams the door.

She immediately gets on the phone...

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.' So Satan and Jesus sat do...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

**Principal:** What is 3+3?

**Boy:** 6.
...

Some people have a fear of heights.

Not me, I have a fear of widths.

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What do giants and strippers both have in common?

They both grind men’s bones to make their bread.

Apple have come up with a new revolutionary eye patch for pirates.

It's called the iEye patch.

(I'm sorry)

Why does santa have a huge sack?

Cause he only comes once a year.

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What do pussies and Burger King have in common?

It’s generally frowned upon to eat them in the middle of a McDonald’s.

What does a Travis Scott concert and the Titanic have in common?

The music doesn’t stop when people start dying.

I have a fear of overly intricate buildings.

I have a complex complex complex.

I have hemorrhoids.

It's a bummer.

Me and my wife have decided we don't want any children

We will be telling them tonight.

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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

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A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island after a plane crash...

... Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says:


"Okay guys, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you", she says to th...

What do the square-root of 2 and flat-earthers have in common ?

They're both completely irrational.

What do hackers and hookers have in common?

5 letters.

Also, they both deal with viruses.

Everybody gets mad when I say Jesus was white, but I have proof.

If my understanding of transubstantiation is correct, Jesus is a cracker.

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Just a little update on the situation with my son because some of you have been fairly concerned.

He has taken going to jail pretty hard. He is refusing all food, spitting and screaming at everyone and is threatening violence at anyone who comes near him. He has smeared the walls with his shit and is refusing to wear any clothes.

As a family we are united in our decision not to play Mo...

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We now have the technology to build a new penis.

Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The m...

A German Shepherd, Doberman And Cat Have Died And Gone To Heaven

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat have died.

All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.

The German shepherd says: "I believe in discipline training and loyalty to my master."

Good," says God. "Then sit down on my right side. Doberman, what do you be...

I went to the library and asked "Do you have a book about pantomimes"?

'It's behind you' said the librarian

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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic

I refused. If I'm going to have sex, its going to be on my own Accord

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I have a bumper sticker that says “honk if you think I’m sexy”

Then I just sit at the green lights until I feel better about myself

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SHAGGY: What did the vet say you have?

SCOOBY DOO: Rabies.

SHAGGY: Zoinks. I didn’t even know you could get pregnant.

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I was showing my doctor the rash I have on my penis

He abruptly told me to make an appointment with his office and then just carried right on shopping.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lack toes.

Why do graveyards have fences?

Why do graveyards have fences?

Because people are dying to get in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do train sets and breasts have in common?

They're intended for children, but it's usually the adults who end up playing with them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When 3 people have sex it's called threesome

When 2 people have sex it's called twosome
I guess that's why people call me handsome

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

Knowledge is like underwear, you need to have it but you don't need to show it

but people always want to be the superman

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing"

Have you ever considered being more interesting?

The women of King Arthur's court must have been very happy

They Camelot

What do men and Excel have in common?

They're always automatically turning things into dates when they're not.

- Have you heard of a scientist who froze himself at -273°C?

— No, what happened to him?

— Don't worry, he is 0K

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Tomorrow I'm having skin grafted from my butt onto my hand and I cope with humor. Make me laugh.

I'm going to have to ask my girlfriend if she wants to try butt stuff just so we can hold hands.

The surgeon's going to hand my ass to me.

If I high five someone did they technically smack my ass?

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A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast.

I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress hi...

What do covid 19 vaccine and a new iPhone/smartphone have in common?

Just when you get the latest one, there's a new one you have to get.

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What do dildos and tofu have in common?

\>: they are meat substitutes:<

Duck walks into a pub...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, now can I have my b...

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Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her tourettes. Turns out she doesn't have tourettes.

I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off.

What does an injured person and the fillings of a sandwich have in common

They’re both in pain

A man is talking to his doctor about a recurring dream he keeps having.

"I keep dreaming about a soccer match between elephants and mice" the patient said

"No worries" says the doctor and gives the patient some medicine, "take this just before bed and you'll have a dreamless sleep"

"Ok, thank you doctor" responded the man "but can I start it tomorrow? Th...

My girlfriend has an onlyfans account and it’s doing really well

I just have to figure out how to break the news to her

if a fire hydrant has h2o on the inside, what does it have on the outside?

k9p

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I have got a black belt in eating pussy....

I am a tongue-fu master.

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I have sex daily!

Never mind… my doctor just corrected me and informed me I have dyslexia

One night, back when I was in my late 20's, I was at a bar having a cold one.

An attractive older woman - probably late 30's or early 40's - sat down next to me, and we began chatting. After a couple hours and several drinks, she asks me, "Hey, have you ever had a threesome with a mother and daughter?"

"No, I haven't," I reply.

"Would you like to?" she asks, ey...

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What does your GF & a condom have in common?

If they are not on your dick, they are in your wallet.

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Every night I have a different cat cuddle up in bed with me right on my crotch.

That genies an asshole.

A couple of bodies have been found in my town with corn flakes at the scene…

I’m beginning to think we have a cereal killer

Have you heard 69ing will now officially be known as 96ing?

Due to inflation, eating out has gone up.

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Why do ducks have feathers?

To cover their butt quacks

I have two friends that are excavators

Doug and Phil

I have a few questions about the Buck Rogers TV series from 1979.

Never mind. I'll check Twikipedia.

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Nswf Why doesn't Santa have any kids?

He always cums down the chimney

I have an inferiority complex

But it's not a very good one

You have to be born in the 1940's and been a teenager in 1957 in order to get this joke

Its 1957 and Bob goes to pick up his date.
Peggy Sue's Father invites him in.

He asks Bob what they plan on doing.

Bob politely responds that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I h...

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What do Tetris and sex have in common?

There’s no winning, it’s just about how long you last


Edit: stop saying I obviously don’t have sex. We’re on reddit. Isn’t that obvious by now?
Also ty to all the absolutely hilarious comment, y’all have made my day

I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people

Sadly they don't work.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have yo...

I just came up with this one, and I feel embarrassed, but... Researchers have found a personality trait common to all people missing a limb from birth, but NOT among amputees.

.. they're all stubborn.

Have you heard about the italian chef who died?

He pasta way.

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I used to have a crippling porn addiction.

Now I prefer less violent porn.

I'm starting a mail order bride service featuring women from around the world who have an STD.

Amnasty International.

I guess I have to wonder about the honesty of a restaurant that calls itself "IHOP".

I looked up their "locations" map and there's not another one in any other country!

I have the worst parents ever. I asked them how they felt on abortion, and they told me to ask my sister.

Not only did they not give a straight answer, I don't even have a sister.

have you heard the joke about gaslighting?

yes you have

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and my wife are very compatible, I have a nine inch penis and

She doesn't know how to hold a ruler correctly...

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it’s been eaten.

It’s called a wedding cake!

Most gun duels in the old west could have been prevented.

If only the city planners had made towns big enough for everyone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does the mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why you should have a pansexual roommate

They will do the dishes

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