The 141+ Best Have Jokes

‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.’

The priest asks, 'Is that you, Joe?' 'Yes, Father’ ‘Who’s the gal you were with?' 'I won’t tell, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' ‘Was it Jane marlow?’ ‘I can’t say.' 'Was it Tami Jones?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Kim Dixon or Kate James?' 'My lips are sealed.

The priest sighs in frustration....

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I have my steaks like I have sex!

Very rare.

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot ...

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Having homosexual parents must be terrible

Either you have double dosage of dad jokes or you are stuck in cycle of “go ask your mom”

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Gay people have no excuse to have a bad fashion sense

Like homie what were you doing in the closet that whole time

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It's said that guys with big feet have big penises, and guys with big cars have small penises

Now I understand why so many people are afraid pf clowns

Why do french tanks have rearway mirrors?

So the drivers could see the battlefield.

Corona must have hit India hard...

I´ve not recieved a single phone call this week from
Microsoft to warn me about a virus on my computer.

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I have daily sex

Edit: I have dyslexia*

Do you know why batman doesn't have a police badge?

Because he doesn't kill people

I don't think women should have kids after 35

That's just too many kids.

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NSFW.. Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
...

Genie: you have 3 wishes. What is your first?

Guy: I wish for more wishes

Genie: you can wish for anything but more wishes

Guy: damn. I wish I could

Without Arabs, we wouldn't have 9/11.

We'd have IX/XI instead.

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A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.<...

Why does Florida have so many Conservatives and California have so many earthquakes?

California had first choice!

**just a joke, I respect your right to your opinion and free expression **

China should have a cricket team.

They can take out the whole world with one bat

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I wasn’t suited to be a tailor.

The muffler factory was just exhausting.

I couldn’t cut it as a barber.

I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor.

I wasn’t a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.

The paper shop folded. Pool maintenance...

The Democrats have a plan to make the Republicans sound stupid.

Operation "Just Let Them Talk"

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Australians don't have sex...

Australians mate.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You son ...

Husband: I have cheated once

Husband: I have cheated once

Wife: me too.

husband: 1st of Apriii....

Wife: 18th of June

You always claim Germans don't have humour,

but we have. It's just like healthcare. Most Americans don't get it.

What does Chris Rock have on his face right now?

Fresh prints!

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Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch, thinking that their wife should be really happy.

In Germany, we have a joke.

Sincerely. We do.

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Why does Chuck Norris never have to flush the toilet?

He just scares the shit out of it.

Boys have a thing and girls don't.

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.

"What did you do today?" I asked.

She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls" she chirped.

Looki...

Why don't churches have Wi-Fi?

They don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

Edit: Alright I've got it lol, TIL churches have wi-fi

Edit 2: ok guys really I get it, churches have wif-fi, no need for every redditor to tell me, 200 is enough

Edit 3: I'm beginning to realise these edit...

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What does a penis and a Rubik's cube have in common?

The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

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They say people who drive big cars have a small penis and people who wear small shoes have a small penis

So it's no wonder why everyone is so afraid of clowns.

What do libertarians and house cats have in common?

They both act like they are independent and self sufficient but in reality are utterly dependent on a system they can neither appreciate nor understand.

What do Mexico and Canada have in common?

They both border on stupidity.

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What does boobs and toys have in common?

They’re made for kids but daddies end up playing with them.

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Four nuns have just died

They are waiting to talk to Saint Peter outside the gates of Heaven.

Saint Peter: “Sisters, confess your sins and you may enter paradise.”

Nun #1: “Saint Peter, forgive me, in my life I once gazed lustfully at a man’s penis.”

St Pete: “Sister, rinse your eyes with this Holy Wat...

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What does sushi have in common with anal?

You either love it, hate it, or you're scared to try it. And if you hate it, people keep trying to convince you that yours just wasn't prepared properly.

What does my wife and the Titan submarine have in common?

The banging stopped.

When you are born you actually have 4 kidneys.

But as you get older, two of them turn into adult knees

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Having big boobs is overrated

So, I myself have big boobs and I have no idea why people wish they had big boobs so badly. They're so annoying and don't look good and I've even been mocked for the size of my boobs. I wish I had small boobs and would happily exchange mine for smaller boobs, especially since I'm a dude.

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“My husband just wants to have sex all the time”

Vented the recently married woman to her sister, “it’s every day like clockwork he gets home from work, takes off his clothes at the doorstep and says “I’m home honey let’s hit the sack”. Don’t get my wrong I love him and the sex is good but I need a break I can barely walk””

Then the sister ...

“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”

“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

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What do tofu and a dildo have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes

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Have you seen r/tifu recently.

They’re fucking nuts.

If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye?

Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

I have this recurring nightmare where not only am I forced to become Vegan

I'm then stranded alone on a desert island and there's nobody to tell.

"You have a reminder set for 5pm today," my phone said.

"A reminder? What is it?" I asked.

"It's a notification to ensure you don't forget something, but that's not important right now," the phone replied.

Then I remembered I'd left it in Airplane mode.

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits..

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide...

You have to give President Trump credit

Because he definitely doesn't have any cash.

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What do Tetris and sex have in common?

There’s no winning, it’s just about how long you last

Edit: stop saying I obviously don’t have sex. We’re on reddit. Isn’t that obvious by now?
Also ty to all the absolutely hilarious comment, y’all have made my day

Here, have a joke in spanish

“sabe inglés?"

"si"

"como se dice 'un zapato' en inglés?"

"a shoe"

"salud"

"gracias”

How do you know you have a high sperm count?

She has to chew before she swallow.

If dogs have masters, what do cats have?

Staff.

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What's the dirtiest or sexiest joke you have ever heard?

Not the dirtiest but I laughed.

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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there are not enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the n...

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like?’. I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.

'Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow

Queen Elizabeth II may have made it to 96 before she died...

But Princess Diana made it to 120

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What's the best drug to have sex on?

Birth control

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A pervert watched a bunch of numbers have an orgy through a window

Some were 69ing, 7 ate 9's ass, you get the picture.

After a while they started to cum in descending order (20, 19, 18, etc.) until 2 came and saw the perv in the window. He got scared and ran away, never looking back.

He never saw that one coming.

What do women and pools have in common?

They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.

I have a fondness for "technically true" jokes, like these:

Did you know that the average person has an above-average number of legs? After all, most people have two legs, while a few have none.

Did you know that if you shuffle a deck of cards, the resulting order has likely never existed before in the history of the universe?

Eve...

I have two conditions in my will...

1) I want my remains spread around Disney World

2) I do not want to be cremated

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They DoD realized they have too many Generals.

So they offer a retirement package where they have a doctor measure the distance between any two points on their body and they get $10,000 for every inch.

An Air Force General is the first two take the offer and has the doctor measure him from the top of this head to the bottom of this feet. ...

Why does France have so many rivers?

Water follows the path of least resistance.

I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore.

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

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If I could have sex with any person on the planet

I would

Looks like NFT prices have hit rock bottom.

Get your monkey for nothin' and your chimps for free.

I want my, I want my, I want my NFT.

If I have twin daughters, I'll name one Kate

And I'll name the other "DupliKate"

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Do you have a Vagina?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.

He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"

She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same ...

I have a fear of overly intricate buildings.

I have a complex complex complex.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name

I have two unwritten rules.

1.

2.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husb...

Husband: "How many other guys have you slept with?"

Wife: "Just you, I was awake for all the other ones"

Hey Guys...Next time you're having an argument with your wife, start undressing.

She will instantly have a headache and then go to sleep.

“Father, do you have anything to declare?”

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course you may. What can I do for you?”

“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate i...

Why do Norwegians have barcodes on their battleships?

So they can Scandinavian

The movie Speed didn't have a director...

Because if Speed had direction, it would have been called Velocity.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a can...

I have a friend who always subtly mentions that he went to MIT

I simply hate his behavior. He'd somehow figure out a way to drop it into a conversation just to let people know he's an MIT alumni.

He's always been like this. Even when we were in college together.

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We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.

He always has stuff to do.

What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

Cracking open a cold one.

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Do all black people have a problem with slavery ?

Or just mine ?

Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump...

But that’s comparing apples to oranges.

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Dolphins are the only animals besides humans that enjoy having Sex

I had to have sex with a lot of animals to figure that out

America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona

By keeping the first one going

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What kind of sex does a priest have?

Nun

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(NSFW) I have a sexual fetish for intellectual breakthroughs

I struggled for a while, but then I came to a realization

I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train conductor we have ever had. How many derailments have you had this year?”

I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”

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What does Japanese people do when they have erection?

They vote.

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My wife was incredibly mad when she found out I have been visiting prostitutes for sex

I said “Well you can hardly blame me, it’s not like I was getting any from you!”

She yelled, “But I didn’t know you were willing to pay for it!”

What do adult cam models and anti-vaxxers have in common?

Both always end up lying in bed deep-throating a plastic tube.

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Why do people still have babies?

For shits and giggles.

They say Donald Trump was charged with crimes that would have been ignored if someone else had committed them

I guess orange really is the new black.

I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

Have you ever noticed how most Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put "anal" in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger, Focus

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What do Hitler and EA have in common?

*You are missing the Punchline Pack. Please purchase the Reddit Season Pass to reveal missing content*

I have a degree in men's studies.

It's called "world history".

#TRUMP 2016! YOU CAN'T STUMP THE TRUMP!

What does a piano, a tuna, and glue have in common?

You can tuna piano, but you can’t piano a tuna!

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Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there...

A married man was having an affair with his secretary

One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt....

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Just read that by law you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden

How the fuck am I meant to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms?

Man: Can’t say I do.

Doctor: Yes. That’s the main one.

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I have more sexual partners than my brother.

But he is one of the better ones.

My boyfriend is upset that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

What do panties and nail polish have in common?

With a little alcohol they both come off

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician

And a Czech one too.
A Czech one too.

Avril Lavigne could have just called her song Skater boy instead of Sk8er Boi.

Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?

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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But I refused.

If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?

This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.

My wife and I have an open relationship

Found out last night

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I don't have sex with my sister because it's unacceptable and gross.

I have sex with her because it's kinky.

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What do Donald Trump and his father have in common?

They both have shitty judgment when it comes to pulling out.

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Do all black people have a problem with slavery?

Or just mine?

Edit: wow, front page of reddit! For those commenting on the distasteful nature of these joke, remind yourself.. It's a joke. The joke is based on wordplay, quick delivery, and is in no way designed to be racist. Slavery was never something to laugh about.

Edit 2: Holy g...

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

What does necrophilia and alcoholism have in common?

The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.

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"Miss, you have cancer"

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

‘Well, daughter, we women ce...

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TIL Pigeons die when they have sex

At least the one I fucked did

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What have an orgasm and a pulse in common?

It doesn’t matter if she has one

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If a blind girl says you have a big willy…

She’s probably just pulling your leg.

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We now have the technology to build a new penis.

Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The m...

At last.......I have managed to find my wife's 'G' spot....

....who would have thought her sister had it the whole time

What do all these Leonardo DiCaprio jokes have in common?

They’re all so childish..

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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week，my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well，the passion starts to heat up，and she eventually says，‘I don‘t feel like it，I just want you to hold me.‘

I said，‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned.

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.

"How is that ...

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Why is it wrong to have sex with a nun?

It’s incest to have sex with sisters.

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

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Johnny wanted to have sex !!!

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else…

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I’ll give you a £100 if you let me screw you, But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, ...

Wife: "I have a lot of my own clothes I'd like to donate."

Husband: "Why bother? It's easier to throw the clothes in the garbage can."

Wife: "Don't be selfish! There are so many poor people who have no clothes and are starving."

Husband: " Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving..."

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A man and his wife are having trouble with their sex life

So the man goes to the new sex toy shop, walks up to the counter and explains his situation.

The clerk says “I’ve got just the thing for you, it’s called magic penis” and retrieves it from the shelf behind him.

Man: how does it work?
Clerk: I’ll show you… “magic penis, counter!” ...

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What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?

Vector quantitties

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Strippers don’t have any air conditioners in their homes

OnlyFans

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I have a vagina joke

but most of you won't get it.

When I die, I have but 2 requests.

The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland.

The second, I don’t want to be cremated.

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

\[EDIT\]: Wow I can't believe the amount of people who would want to make it a reality. *Netflix if your seeing this post you know what to do.*

**If you want, you may follow this post - I may update it in the future if something exciting happens.** <...

My doctor says I have narcissistic personality disorder

But that's impossible, as the smartest man alive I think I would have noticed.

Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.

I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.

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I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

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Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, an...

North Korea announced to have successfully landed a man on the Sun

During a live interview with Kim Jong-un, a reporter asked, "the Sun is very hot! How did you land a man?" Kim proudly replied, "we launch at night!"

Meanwhile, Trump tweeted while watching the live, "Haha what an idiot! There is no Sun at night!"

Soviet joke: A man walks into a shop. He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?”

The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”

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