This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, “Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?”

“No” said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note.

She then asked “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?” “No, I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt...

Why haven't aliens visited our solar system?

They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A daughter asks her dad if she can have a sleepover with her girlfriends and he agrees

Later on, he over hears their game of truth or dare to which the daughter's friend asks her when the last time she had an orgasm was. The daughter replied, "Oh, about 3 days ago." and her dad bursts into the room yelling, "I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT!"

A man in a Mercedes-Benz picks a hitchiker up.

After a while, the hitchiker points at the Mercedes emblem and asks "What is that?"

The driver says "It's an optical sight. Every time I put someone in the crosshairs, I run them over. Here, look at this pedestrian". The driver pointed his car at the pedestrian, but turned away in the last mo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man knocks on the door and asks the woman " Do you have a vagina? "

A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks this.

Man: Do you have a vagina?

Woman slams the door in disgust

The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question
Man: do you have a vagina?

She slams ...

If I had a nickel for every typo I made..

I'd probably have a lot more than 5 sense.

Three nuns die and go to heaven

Three nuns die and go to heaven, where they stand at the golden gates and each have to go to Peter, who tells them they have to answer one question to enter heaven.

„Who was the first man on earth?“, Peter asks.
„Oh, thats an easy one“, the first nun says,“It was Adam of course!“

Mu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

Donald Trump and Barack Obama’s ended up at the same barber

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald wa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet

Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best .

P.S.A - Do recycle ♻

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does tofu and a dildo have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes.

Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors?

So they can see the battlefield.

My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.

I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.

Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?

This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.

Can we ban "Yo Momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid, and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times

Just like yo mama

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house a...

A weasel walks into a bar...

The bartender says: "Wow! In all my years of tending bar, I have never served a weasel before! What can I get you?

"Pop," goes the weasel.

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”

I said, “No. Is that still required?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

There are 3 men on a boat and 4 cigarettes, they don't have a lighter, how do they smoke?

they toss one cigarette over board to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

2+2+2=7

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: Let me put it to you d...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis

Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y.

Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W...

I've just discovered that I have a logic fetish.

I can't stop coming to conclusions.

Be like Frank

**Passenger**: "Who?"

**Cabbie**: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

**Passenger**: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

**Cabbie*...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time th...

Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and

“OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front ...

Someone knocked on my door and asked if I had found Jesus

I explained it wasn't my turn to watch him this time, and they really should have used bigger nails.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

When I die, I have but 2 requests.

The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland.



The second, I don’t want to be cremated.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW.. Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
...

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do t...

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighte...

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician

And a Czech one too.
A Czech one too.

I have a friend, Celine, from China. She is beautiful but so fragile.

Poor Celine.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames

I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple ask their doctor to watch them have sex.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in...

Three women die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and s...

They say if you have to explain a joke then it's not funny.

Which is probably why it took me so long to explain Amy Schumer to my mom.

My wife hated that I didn’t have a sense of direction

So I packed my stuff up and right

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend decided to have a testicle removed after he found a lump.

He is really hardcore about his mashed potatoes.

My girlfriend thinks I have schizophrenia

Which is funny, because I don't have a girlfriend.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I refuse to insult someone by saying that they have mental issues

Only retards do that

What do a hot potato and a thrown pig have in common?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does Japanese people do when they have erection?

They vote.

Genie: you have three wishes

me: make math go away

Genie: ok, that one's on the house

me: yay, so I still get three wishes?

Genie: huh?

Why does Reddit have 2 d's?

The second one is a repost....

Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day

Husband: Well next time take the car then silly

Do female robots have a...

Computerus?

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I will find you...

You have my Word.

Why didn't Barbie have a baby?

Because Ken came in a different box.

So an American walks into a store in the Midwest and says, I'd like to buy that .50 cal sniper riffle with 4,000 rounds of ammunition and a box of penicillin...

The store clerk replies: sorry Sir, I'm going to have to see some paperwork for that penicillin.

Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during a dinner and all the other guests have to pretend nothing happened

Noble gases are supposed to have no reaction

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Over the years, my sexual fetishes have been getting more perverse

But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realized I hit rock bottom

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”

He winked at me and said, “I’m off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park.”

Why is it that your dogs have to be vaccinated to go to the park and daycare, but your kids don’t have to be?

Because it’s sad when a dog dies.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend."

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-wo...

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.

''I've never been better!'' he boasted. ''I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?''

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, ''Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one da...

Why does the library have so many floors?

CAUSE IT'S FULL OF STORIES!!!


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I'm so sorry

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If a blind girl says you have a big penis

She's probably pulling your leg

Bouncer: "I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

Me: "Why?"

Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 nuns have dedicated their lives to God since they were 16.

25 years later they started talking about everything in life they missed out on. Never getting a drivers license, to their first drink at 21, or even having sex.

So they all decided they would go to their priest and ask if they can have 1 day off from being a nun. As this is a weird request t...

What does a wife and a handgrenade have in common?

If you pull the ring, your house is gone.

I was in a long staring contest with the sun.

Everything is dark now, dare I say it, I must have won.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm glad we have that sex offender registry.

Without, It would be so much harder to find new, like-minded friends in the neighborhood.

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

If a Cuban man marries a woman from Iceland and have children,

can the children be considered ice cubes?

What do a tornado, a hurricane, and a redneck divorce have in common?

Somebody's gonna lose their trailer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Thank you for contacting Xfinity Internet, my name is Janice, with whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?"

*"Hello Janice my name is Daniel."*

Janice: *"Pleased to meet you Daniel, how can I help you"*

Daniel: *"Well, I'd like to increase my Internet access speed to something more suitable."*

Janice: *"Great! That should not be a problem. So what is your current plan?"*

Dani...

Why don't churches have WiFi?

They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works. :-D

What do a girlfriend and a forklift have in common ?

If you don't have one, you have to unload by hand

What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?

They both end with a check mate

My second wife left me because I have "revenge issues"

We'll see about that...

I told my friends I have a girlfriend...

They all laughed at me and told me she is isn't real.

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Well Jokes on them because neither are they

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There’s plenty of Jobs in porn when you have a penis like mine

Cameraman, Lighting, sound technician even production manager.

I do not have dissociative personality disorder

I don't.

What do women astronauts and my 14 year old daughter have in common?

"I have nothing to wear!"

Why don't mitochondria have girlfriends?

Because they're incells.

Top 5 mom's punishments that have become pleasures:

Top 5 mom's punishments that have become pleasures:

​

1. "Go to sleep NOW"

2. "Eat ALL YOUR FOOD"

3. "You will not leave the house"

4. "Go to your room!"

5. "One more word and I'll spank that ass"

My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem

I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterd...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do women always have sex with the lights off?

Because they never like to see a man having a good time.

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked.

He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded,"My washcloth."

Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked his mother, "What happen...

The rear view mirror fell out of my car a couple of months ago and I have never replaced it.

Haven’t looked back since.

Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It’s time consuming.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton...

...86% of women in D.C. said, "Not again."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic...

But if I’m gonna have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

When is the worst time to have a heart attack?

During a game of charades..

Why shouldn't the corn dog & the pig in a blanket have kids together?

They're both inbred.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I found a ton of old porn DVDs in my basement that must have been there for years.

As I looked through them, all I kept thinking to myself was, “Damn, some of these girls are teenagers now.”

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He st...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Grandpa, Can I Have a Tricycle?

A very young James went to his grandfather and asked for a tricycle.

​

Grandfather asked, "Jimmy, can your weewee reach all the way to your butthole?"

​

"Well, no Grandpa, it can't", Jimmy replied sheepishly.

​

Grandpa said t...

My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!"

I replied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.

He always has stuff to do.

Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.

So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Have I told you this Alzheimer's joke?

Have I told you this Alzheimer's joke?

What does antivaxxer kids and Jehovahs Witnesses have in common?

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They don't have birthdays

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Nobody believes me, but I only have sex standing up.

I’m not fucking lying.

We have been misunderstanding antivaxxers this whole time! They really *do* their own research

Specifically, they are the control group.

I think I have been hacked by Russia

Edit: Everything is fine comrades, the motherland would not do such a thing.

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose.

“Knock knock” “Hi, do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Jesus Christ?”

“Yes”
.........
................

“Would you like to step inside?”
“I’m not sure, I’ve never made it this far”

After long consideration, my wife and I have decided we do not want to have children.

If anybody here does want children, just leave your contact info and we'll drop them off tomorrow

I have decided that I will not vaccinate my children.

I think it should be done by a doctor with experience.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Scientists have identified a food that completely kills sex drive in women.

It's called "wedding cake."

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years...

...but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.

Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses

No son, have you seen my dad glasses?

Whenever i see a woman driving a bus, i smile to myself and think how far we have come in the whole equality thing compared to just a few short years ago

Then i wait for the next bus.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Genie: you have two wishes left

Me: I wish the letter G was the letter P instead.

Penie: And your final wish?

Me: I wish that every E at the end of a word was an S instead

Penis: ...

Ms: nics

If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Australians don’t have sex

They mate

Why Does The Norway Navy Have Barcodes On The Side Of Their Ships?

So When They Come Back To Port They Can
Scandinavian

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wife asks her husband, "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?" "No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a silky bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty-dollar bill.

He took the crumpled twenty-dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him...

Why does the new French navy have glass bottom boats?

So they can see the old French navy.

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's b...

Who would have Jay-Z married if he was a sailor?

Buoyancy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Boy asks, "Granny, have u seen my pills, they're marked LSD"

Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

I have a fear of over-designed buildings.

I have a complex complex complex.

Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.

"Just don't tell Dad" she says.

Hey, it's working thinks Little Johnny.

An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says:...

Non-vaccinated children are less likely to have autism

Because autism is rarely diagnosed before the age of 3

What do Bruce Lee and the Donkey from Shrek have in common?

They have both entered the dragon.

My wife and I are driving to work, running late. How fast would we have to go to both get ahead?

69 of course!

Sorry my first ever post here is pretty silly but made me smile on the way to work this morning so thought I’d share.

Why do cows have bells?

Because their horns don't work.

I had a vasectomy so I won't have kids

But when I got home, they were still there.

Have you heard the joke about the skunk

Never mind it stinks

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do porn and heavy metal have in common?

Both used to have a lot more hair back in the 70's and 80's

I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son"

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

Doctor: Sir you have a very rare disease.

Patient: How rare is it?

Doctor: You pick the name.

Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?

They push twins together to make a king.

Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?

The food is great but there's no atmosphere.

Have you ever found yourself staring at a deadline, with no real work done, and then going to your teacher to beg for an extention?

Well then you know how UK feels

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out.

But she pulled some strings and got me in.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She told me that I have to stop wanking.

I asked, "Why?"

She replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."