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It's said that guys with big feet have big penises, and guys with big cars have small penises

Now I understand why so many people are afraid pf clowns

Can we ban the “yo momma” jokes from this sub? They’re old, stupid and have been used by everyone hundreds of times.

Just like yo momma.

What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

Cracking open a cold one.

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What does sex and the U.S. Military have in common?

When you pull out at the wrong time you end up wasting 20 years and a lot of money

If it weren’t for Arabs, it wouldn’t have been 9/11

It would be IX/XI

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I always wondered why my gf brings cake and confetti when we have sex....

Turns out she likes to celebrate the little things.

I have a fear of overly intricate buildings.

I have a complex complex complex.

The women of King Arthur's court must have been very happy

They Camelot

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We now have the technology to build a new penis.

Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The m...

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A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

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What do dildos and tofu have in common?

\>: they are meat substitutes:<

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What does the mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

Most gun duels in the old west could have been prevented.

If only the city planners had made towns big enough for everyone.

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

I have the worst parents ever. I asked them how they felt on abortion, and they told me to ask my sister.

Not only did they not give a straight answer, I don't even have a sister.

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What does a 9-volt battery and an asshole have in common?

You know it's wrong, but eventually you put your tongue on it.

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A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast.

I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress hi...

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

Does anyone know what the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people

What do Excel, incels and some people who casually eat figs have in common?

They get confused and incorrectly assume it's a date.


(Edit)
Thank you for the awards.



As people have pointed out, this joke seems to have originated from a venn diagram, but seeing as I heard it a different way and we can't post venn diagrams on this sub, I don't ...

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What do Tetris and sex have in common?

There’s no winning, it’s just about how long you last


Edit: stop saying I obviously don’t have sex. We’re on reddit. Isn’t that obvious by now?
Also ty to all the absolutely hilarious comment, y’all have made my day

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

I have a lot of anti-vax jokes

In my family

I have a dig bick

You that read wrong.


You read that wrong too.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have yo...

What do schools and the anti-vax movement have in common?

Both are raising the world’s average IQ

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women. Once there, he asks a local: -There is really no women here? -None. -So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?

There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. After months in that village, every day the donkey seemed a little more attractive, so one day when a few other men asked him if he'd like to go to the don...

My wife says I only have 2 faults.

I don't listen and something else.

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Strippers don’t have any air conditioners in their homes

OnlyFans

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Was having dinner with the in laws and the MIL said ….

….’How many potatoes would you like?’

I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’

She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cunt”

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Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you wan...

You have to be born in the 1940's and been a teenager in 1957 in order to get this joke

Its 1957 and Bob goes to pick up his date.
Peggy Sue's Father invites him in.

He asks Bob what they plan on doing.

Bob politely responds that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I h...

A Russian worker standing in a liquor line says: “I have had enough, save my place, I am going to shoot Gorbachev.”

Two hours later he returns to claim his place in line.

His friends ask, “Did you get him?”

“No, the line there was even longer than the line here.”

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

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What does a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?

The more you play with it the harder it gets

I told my friend I have an acute sense of when a deep hole with water is nearby. He said thats a useless ability.

I'm well aware

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was ...

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I have a vagina joke

but most of you won't get it.

I have 100% solid proof that masks don't work!

My wife went on a business trip and on the plane they made her wear a mask -- and now she has chlamydia!

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "it would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little plano. The piano man starts pla...

Have you heard about the new flatbread conspiracy theorists?

They're out to convince all naan believers.

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Does anyone have a cure for sex addiction?

I’ve tried fucking everything.

I have an addiction to brake fluid.

The good news is I can stop anytime I want.

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

My wife said, “Can you have a talk with the kids on drugs?”

I said, “Fine, but I don’t make any sense when I’m high.”

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I have a bumper sticker that says 'Honk if you think I'm sexy'

I then wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

A little boy asks his mom, “Why do women have balloons on their chest?”

His mom responds, “So when we die we can easily float up to heaven.”

“Then aunt sally must really want to go to heaven.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, the other day she had her balloons out and daddy was blowing them up and she was saying ‘God, I’m coming.’”

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A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

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You're living. You have mass. You occupy space. Do you know what that means?

You matter.

What do BMWs and Vacuums have in common?

They both have a dirtbag inside them.

I have a vaccine joke

… but a lot of people won’t get it!

I have two arms for my self defence and they work everytime.

Dont know who they actually belongs to but it freaks out the opponent whenever i take them out.

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I have daily sex

Edit: I have dyslexia\*

If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?

**Big hands.**

"How would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."...

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Jack and Jill have grown up.

They've graduated from college, and got a job at the same company. One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The problem is he hired them at the same time, a...

An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup

The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.

"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a sea...

I’m about to go to a funeral for the first time, and I still have no idea what to expect.

Remains to be seen.

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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot.

They See A Sex Therapist, And He Recommends That They Have A Constant Supply Of Cool Air In The Bedroom, So The Man Asks His Best Friend To Waft A Towel While He And His Wife Make Love.

Begrudgingly, The Friend Submits And Says Yes.


After 20 Minutes Of Lovemaking, The Woman Is No C...

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Anal sex and this joke: what do they have in common?

A misused colon

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Have you ever noticed what a woman's asshole does when she has an intense orgasm?

He's probably out, drinking with his buddies...

Why do Yugo's have heated rear windows?

To keep the owner's hands warm when they are pushing it!

Corona must have hit India hard...

I´ve not recieved a single phone call this week from
Microsoft to warn me about a virus on my computer.

Leading entomologists experimenting with ant larvae have reported that while the introduction of milk-born disaccharides increased their height by 31%, it also inhibited tarsus growth by 47%.

The study concluded that the resulting specimens lack toes in taller ants.

What does McDonalds and your tinder hook-up have in common?

They don’t look as good as advertised but you’ll eat them anyways.

Why do cows have hooves and not feet?

Because they lactose

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Scientists have discovered a food that reduces a woman’s sex drive:

Wedding cake

I only date women who have been vaccinated

Not because I'm afraid of getting sick, I just know the ones who are vaccinated don't mind a little prick.

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What does Sigmund Freud and Samuel L Jackson have in common?

For them, everyone is a motherfucker

My landlord yelled at me today because my heating bill is through the roof and that he's going to have to come over soon to discuss a solution.

I told him my door is always open.

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I was traveling on a 10 hour flight and thought I'd have a quick chat to make time go by faster

So I turn towards the young person beside me.

Me: Hello, would you like to have a quick chat to make time go by quicker?

She: Sure. What do you want to talk about?

Me: So why don't we talk about Iran's Nuclear Program?

Then she goes "All right then" and puts down her cra...

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A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.

"Any issues or concerns?", asks the Dr.

"Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore."

"That's very unusual", says the Doc, "Hop up on table and let me take a look."

She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says she ...

What do Paul the Apostle and Jack the Ripper have in common?

They have the same middle name.

Does Spanish have anything in common with English?

No

Why didn't Indiana Jones have a Nokia phone?

Because he was too afraid of the Snake game.

My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like to have a selfless guy go down on them.

It just gives us some scents of perp-puss.

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Biden was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

Women shouldn't have children after 36.

36 children are more than enough.

Why do orphans have only 363 days?

They don't have a mother's day and father's day

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? ... Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.... Older Woman: Oh, I see. ... Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: You don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and...

What do the Egyptians and Kardashians have in common?

Their daddies became mummies

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Religion is like a penis.

It’s fine to have one. It’s fine to be proud of it. But please don’t whip it out in public and start waving it around.

Why does Kim Jong Un have such a big library?

Because he's Supreme Reader

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

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After 15 years of marriage I still have great sex….

Just don’t tell my wife.

My Chinese roommate just asked, "Have you seen my cocaine?"

I replied, "Yeah. I loved him in The Italian Job."

Having a big nose is not an excuse for not wearing a mask.

I still have to wear underwear.

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Three construction workers, an Australian, a Finn and a Swede, are sitting on a beam on the tenth floor about to have their lunch.

The Australian opens his lunch box and says "Bloody hell - meat pies again! Every day it's bloody meat pies! If I get meat pies again tomorrow, I'm going to jump!"

The Finn opens up his lunch next. "Saatana! Makkara (sausage) again! Always sausages! If I get sausage tomorrow, I'm gonna jump t...

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What do pussies and Burger King have in common? [NSFW]

It’s generally frowned upon to eat them in the middle of a McDonald’s.

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What do toilet paper and the USS Enterprise have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons!



Happy Star Trek day

My wife asked me which of her friends I would want to have a threesome with.

Apparently I was only supposed to pick one.

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"...

Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?

So they can see the battlefield!

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke fro...

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An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas.

Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week." The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't k...

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Do you smoke?

Lady: Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes I do.

Lady: How many packs a day?

Guy: 3 packs.

Lady: How much per pack?

Guy: $10.00 per pack.

Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

Guy: 15 years

Lady: So 1 pack is $10.00 and you have been smoking 3 packs a da...

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I have a friend who is sexually attracted to inanimate objects.

I don't see him much though. He always has stuff to do.

Whats it called when a king and queen have no children?

A receding heir line

Why do Texas women make sandwiches with their left hands?

Because they have no rights.

What room doesn’t have ghosts?

Living room.

Why do cow-milking stools only have three legs?

The cow’s got the udder.

There are three guys on a boat, and they have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with – what do they do?

They throw one cigarette overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled The dentist pulls out the novocaine freezing needle to inject the man. “No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!”

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

“No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.”...

Don't make a decision before you have studied all its aspects ! Don't make a decision when you are angry !

An iron company manager, while touring the company noticed a young man leaning against the wall and doing nothing.

He approached him and said softly, "How much is your salary?"

The young man was calm and surprised by the personal question.

He answered, "2500 dollars a month, sir...

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To the people that have 5 different toilets:

Get your shit together.

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Dear Dr. Jones, I'm writing to tell you my problem. It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years

He makes love to me regardless of what I am doing, whether ironing, washing dishes, sweeping, even sending e-mails, etc.

I would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld ;;'

Ccinsely ous,,, mdyl

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Zoo keeper says to Paddy. "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for £500? Paddy replies.

I will on 3 conditions: 1st, I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd, my family must never know.

3rd i'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together.

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A man and woman have an argument after the man tries to perform oral sex

The woman says "you should never eat a pussy out ever again! That was the worst i've ever gotten!"

The man says "i'm jewish, i'm not allowed to eat pigs anyways."

A couple just had their first son , the husband is half Irish and half Indian , the wife half chinese and half Italian both wishes to have their son name after their heritage ..

After much argument they decided on the name.


Ravi O'Lee

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Let's go to Hooters!

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other’s stories.

At **age 32** they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where do you wanna go?"
...

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

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What do a chef, interrogator, and a porn star all have in common?

They all love to beat it

"I have slept with 3 men before meeting you " said my blind date

"Man,I was just late by 20 minutes" ..

I have developed a fetish for figuring things out

I just came to that realization.

What does dark humor and health care have in common?

Not everyone gets it...

"What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?"

***"They're both Paris sites."***

“Congratulations,” said the doctor, “you have a new life growing inside you!”

The patient said, “I’m a man.”

The doctor said, “the tapeworm doesn’t care.”

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

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Two parents want to have sex

Their 7 years old son was in the room, so they tell him to go on the balcony to play with his toys

After the boy leaves they start having fun, after about 10 minutes the husband says:

-We should talk to him while he's on the balcony, i don't want him to feel alone

-Yeah, you're ...

A blonde walks into a dry cleaners and tells the woman at the counter, "I need to have an outfit washed."

The clerk was busy and slightly distracted, so she looked up from her work and said, "Come again?"

The blonde said, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

They currently think the person who ruined the Tour de France might have been German.

Well, she did try to take down a whole race...

If batman didn't fight crime, he would have opened a vineyard...

... Because he brews wine.

(Sorry)

what do the UK Prime Minister and the former US president have in common?

One is Boris Johnson, the other is a boorish "johnson"

I have got to quit my job at the lumber yard

I am SOOO board

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

My brother was murdered today

cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.

me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.

cop: you're sure?

me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man ...

Jesus and Moses walking on the beach.

So Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach and Moses says "you know Jesus it's been a long time since I parted the sea let me see if I can still do it". So he throws his staff down throws his arms up and nothing happens. Jesus says to him "why don't you try again it's been a long time". So Moses...

Why do golfers have an extra pair of socks?

Incase they get a hole in one.

Why do soldiers have to wear such fancy uniforms?

Because they don’t allow civilian casual tees!

What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?

Their last big hit was the wall.

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I'll admit I have a tremendous drive for sex

My girlfriend lives 100miles away

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A woman gets off a roller coaster at an amusement park. Feeling dizzy from the ride, she immediately falls to the ground, unconscious.

She wakes up to find a man rubbing her breasts. "What are you doing?" she asks.

"I was just reviving you," replies the man. "When I saw you unconscious on the ground, I lightly slapped you, but nothing happened. I rubbed your wrists, but nothing happened. I even gave you mouth to mouth, but s...

I have never understood why women love cats

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

There is an experience some podcast hosts have in which the more popular they get, the dumber they seem and the more ridiculous shot they do.

It’s called the Joe Rogan Experience.

EA have been hit by ransomware and need to pay up to $7,000,000

Hackers claim they want EA to feel a sense of pride and accomplishment when they finally unlock their information

Kid going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him "What's wrong?"

Nervous, the kid asks, "How long do I have to go to school for?"

"Until you're 18" says the father.

The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly.

=== =====

When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says "Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I'm 18,...

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, y...

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Why is it awkward to have sex in an Apple Store?

Because, Apple Watches.

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What do you call it when you have a baguette in your asshole?

Pain in the ass

I have the reflexes of a cat

Before you comment, please remember, a dead cat is still technically a cat!

Why do the French never have more than one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf

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What does a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?

They're both fast, cheap and if the rubber breaks, you're fucked.

Doctor: Well sir, I have some bad news... You have a very rare disease.

Parient: How rare is it?

Doctor: You get to pick a name.

I wrote the names of everyone I have unfriended onto a piece of paper, but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.

Warrior: I swear I will have my revenge for the death of my brother!

Elf: You have my bow.

Dwarf: And my axe.

Necromancer: And your brother.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I want a world without lawyers.

Genie: Done. That concludes your wishes.

Me: But you said I have 3 wishes?

Genie: Sue me.

If beating your meat can help you get Post-nut Clarity, maybe it is better do it twice for really important decisions to have

Two-Fapper Authentication

Why does Luxembourg have a standing army?

Because there is no room to sit down.

What does dad have in common with the Euro Cup?

Not coming home.

You have three cups of coffee and 20 sugar cubes? How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes into each cup of coffee using all 20 sugar cubes.

1 cube in the first cup, 1 cube in the second, and 18 in the third because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put in coffee.

What does two heliums and Michael Jackson have in common?

HeHe

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

If it had 4 it'd be a chicken sedan!

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