Two Irishmen have a bright idea

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”

Murphy watches in amazement.

The foreman shouts: “Paddy...

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What does tofu and a dildo have in common?

They're both meat substitutes!

Why haven't aliens visited our solar system?

They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.

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A man knocks on the door and asks the woman " Do you have a vagina? "

A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks this.

Man: Do you have a vagina?

Woman slams the door in disgust

The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question
Man: do you have a vagina?

She slams ...

Why don't rabbits make noise when they make love?

Because they have little cotton balls.

There are 3 men on a boat and 4 cigarettes, they don't have a lighter, how do they smoke?

they toss one cigarette over board to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

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With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, “Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?”

“No” said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note.

She then asked “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?” “No, I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt...

My wife said she would rather commit suicide than have dementia

She said she would never want to place that burden on me..

I said, honey that's the fifth time you've told me that.

If it weren't for Arabs, we would never have 9/11

Instead it would be IX / XI

“Dad..I have an imaginary girlfriend.”

His dad says,” you know..you could do better, right?”

“Thanks dad. That means a lot.”

“I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to your girlfriend.”

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?"

Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."...

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

Donald Trump and Barack Obama’s ended up at the same barber

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald wa...

The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 120 days, proving the country does not belong to China

Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.

2+2+2=7

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: Let me put it to you d...

A couple have been married 25 years, and one day, the husband found a box in the attic with three bonnets and $2,500.

He asked his wife and she responded, "Every time I got mad at you, I knitted a bonnet." The husband was proud that in 25 years, he had only angered his wife three times.

"OK," he said, "that explains the bonnets, but what about the $2,500 dollars?"

The wife smiled and said, "That's mon...

Scientists have discovered a way to milk sheep.

Just release a new iphone every year.

What will happen if you have a wooden car with wooden engine and wooden wheels?

It wooden start.

Three nuns die and go to heaven

Three nuns die and go to heaven, where they stand at the golden gates and each have to go to Peter, who tells them they have to answer one question to enter heaven.

„Who was the first man on earth?“, Peter asks.
„Oh, thats an easy one“, the first nun says,“It was Adam of course!“

Mu...

My parents said that if I got a tattoo I'd have to get it in a place that didn't matter...

So I got it in Appleton, Wisconsin.

If I had a nickel for every typo I made..

I'd probably have a lot more than 5 sense.

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

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A daughter asks her dad if she can have a sleepover with her girlfriends and he agrees

Later on, he over hears their game of truth or dare to which the daughter's friend asks her when the last time she had an orgasm was. The daughter replied, "Oh, about 3 days ago." and her dad bursts into the room yelling, "I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT!"

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest

Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes

Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes

Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama...

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

A teacher in Ireland is giving an English lesson and asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word "contagious" being used…

One eager child says, "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!"

"Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?"

"My mummy says my laugh is contagious!" said another child.


"Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you...

Chinese takeout $25.00... Gas to pick it up $5.00... Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers...

Riceless

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

My wife and I have three beautiful children

And three out of five isn't bad.

A bear walks into bar. Bartender asks, “What would you like to drink”? Bear says, “I’ll have a rum and coke...

My Boss: What’s the joke? I don’t get it.

Me: What do you mean you don’t get it? Just think about it.

My Boss: The Bear can talk?

Me: No, that’s not the joke.

My Boss: The Bear can walk into a bar?

Me: No, that’s not the joke either.

My Boss: The Bear likes ...

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Me: Do you have that new book about living with a small penis?

Librarian: I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s in yet.

Me: Yeah, that’s the one.

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What do jokes and U.S. Presidents have in common?

This one fucking sucks.

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What have an orgasm and a pulse in common?

It doesn’t matter if she has one

What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?

They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.

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Son, have a vodka with me!

- No, thanks, dad.
- Come, have a drink with your father!
- Dad, I'm 5. -
Dad is shitfaced but he insists:
- Ok, just one shot.
The kid drinks it and start crying:
- Ewwwww, it's disgustiiiiiiing!
- Ha! You see?! And your mother thinks I'm sitting here having fun!

(Russi...

Genie: You have 3 wishes

...but no wish for more wishes, more genies, or more lamps, ha!

Me (being a smartass): I wish you were reaaaaally bad at counting.

Genie: Sure boy, you have zero wishes left.

What do Millennials and Tarzan falling to his death have in common?

"I miss Vine."

“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

I have successfully muted every single person on Reddit. AMA!

edit: really? No one? :(

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What do Japanese men do when they have erections?

They vote.

A weasel walks into a bar...

The bartender says: "Wow! In all my years of tending bar, I have never served a weasel before! What can I get you?

"Pop," goes the weasel.

Doctor: We're going to have to remove your colon

Me Why?

If you have a child, you can name them “one million subscribers on YouTube”

Then you can tell people you hit one million subscribers on YouTube

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

I don’t have a “dad bod.”

I have a father figure.

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction

So I packed up my stuff and right

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A 12 year old boy goes in the confession box and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest replies angrily, "You better not be cheating on me, you little bastard"

Be like Frank

**Passenger**: "Who?"

**Cabbie**: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

**Passenger**: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

**Cabbie*...

I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

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I have to tell my girlfriend that I don't like the fetish she's into...

But first I need to get some shit off my chest.

What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one

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My therapist told me that I have extreme difficulty in vocalizing my emotions.

Can’t say that I’m surprised.

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Have you heard about the man that had five penises ?

His boxers fit like a glove

I have a horse called Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

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Have you guys heard of this new sex position?

You say you're gonna pull out but then you don't.

It's called the brit.

At work, my colleagues have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”

It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m ok with it.

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver ...

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A Hippie sits next to a young Nun on the bus and asks her if he could have sex with her?

The Nun, very upset, says “NO! I am married to God!!" and gets off the bus disgusted.

The bus driver sees all this. He tells the hippie “She prays every Tuesday night at midnight in the graveyard...
why don't you dress up in a hooded robe; go to the graveyard and tell her you are God and d...

I have a dog with no legs called Cigarette.

Every day, I take Cigarette out for a drag.

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of time

You see, it used to get cold outside

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Every day we have hundreds of people coming into this country with no skill, no grasp of the language and a total drain on our resources...

Babies are fucking useless.

I rang work and I said "I can't come in today, I have a wee cough"

The boss said "You have a wee cough?"

I said "Wow, thanks boss, see you next Wednesday!"

My ex left me because, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her.

Lucky guess.

Two chemists walk into a bar. One says "I'll have H20." The other says, "I'll have H20 too."

They both enjoy a nice glass of water, because what kind of bar has hydrogen peroxide on tap?

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A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

If a fire hydrant has H20 inside, what does it have on the outside?

K9P

What does Kevin Hart have in common with Paul Walker?

Being friends with the rock!

Wait, what did you think I was going to say?

I have seen a lot of fat jokes here recently, and we should be nicer to them.

They have enough on their plates as it is

A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh."

The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."

Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"

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Why do ducks have tail feathers?

To cover their butt quacks

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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

“No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!” ...

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Why don’t ants have dicks?

Because then they would be uncles.

Have you heard about all the feline deaths on Mars recently?

Yeah, apparently Curiosity kills cats

A man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bar tender "If I impress you, can I have a free drink?". The bar tender said sure, so the man reached in his pocket and pulled out a tiny piano. He then pulled out a small rat and set it by the piano. It crawled on to the bench and began playing

music. The bar tender was amazed, so he gave the man a beer. Next, the man said "If I impress you even more, can I have free drinks for life?". The bar tender didn't think it was possible, so he agreed. The man pulled a frog out of his pocket, and it began to sing by the piano. The bar tender smiled...

A friend asked me if she should have a baby after 40.

I said no, 40 babies are enough.

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.




The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
...

What do a wife and a grenade have in common?

You take off the ring - Your house is gone.

How many lives does a dead German cat have?

Nein

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.

''I've never been better!'' he boasted. ''I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?''

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, ''Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one da...

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I used to have a girlfriend from Germany

She was really into the Olympics and she would actually rate me on my performance in bed. The best I ever did, was the night I slipped it into her butt. She kept screaming 9! 9! 9!

I have a pen that can write underwater!

It can also write other words too

I have a confession to make. I'm addicted to brake fluid.

I can stop any time I want tho

What do Millenials and Christmas Trees have in common?

They used to thrive, but now they're dead inside.

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I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this ...

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Why should you never have sex with a brtitish person?

They always say they'll pull out, but never do it.

What do Giants and Strippers have in common?

Grinding men’s bones to make their bread

Have you ever wondered what MARINE stood for?

Muscles. Are. Required. Intelligence. Not. Essential.

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Why don’t Jews have Jedi relatives?

No Force kin

What same things does a car and a dead body have

They both can be found in my garage

I have split personality disorder

Really? Me too!

I walked outside of the bar to have a cigarette.

A man in a wheelchair asked me, "why do you do that if you don't have to?"

I replied "Why are you wearing shoes?"

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I don't get why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist and suicide bomber, just so you might have a chance to get 72 virgins when you die

Just become a Catholic priest and have them now!

I have a brexit joke for ya

But I’ll need another 6 months

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My therapist told me I have trouble interpreting social cues

I think she’s hitting on me

I told my doctor, “I have a problem with the hearing in one of my ears.”

He said, “Are you sure?”

I said, “Yes, I’m definite.”

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I will find you...

You have my Word.

why don’t libraries have books about suicide?

They don’t get returned.

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Women have absolutely no idea how to chat up us guys.

As if "Fuck off you loser" was going to get me into bed.

Why does KFC have no toilet paper?

Its finger lickin' good

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes ones a year.

What do Kermit the frog and Henry the 8th have in common?

They have the same middle name.

I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000...

I can’t stand it!

So an American walks into a store in the Midwest and says, I'd like to buy that .50 cal sniper riffle with 4,000 rounds of ammunition and a box of penicillin...

The store clerk replies: sorry Sir, I'm going to have to see some paperwork for that penicillin.

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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…

But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

Trump's is short, and Arnold Schwarzenegger's is long; Madonna doesn't have one, and the Pope is not supposed to use his. Of course I'm talking about...

... their last name.

People in Athens always have difficulty waking up

Dawn is tough on Greece.

(coworkers joke heard today)

What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?

Flood lights

I must confess, I have repeatedly kicked a helpless, pregnant woman.

But to be fair, I was a fetus, what was I supposed to do?

My grandfather gave me the best advice I have ever heard just before he kicked the bucket:

Always put on steel toes before doing this.

Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in the bushes?

See just how good he is?

Three mathematicians have known each other for years.

An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician, they decide to go bow hunting one season. While on the trail, they spot their first buck. The physicist run some calculations, decides that air resistance is negligible, and aims accordingly. His arrow falls short by 20 feet. The engineer runs some more ...

What does a marriage and a hurricane have in common?

In the beginning there is lots of sucking and blowing, and in the end you still loose your house

I was in a long staring contest with the sun.

Everything is dark now, dare I say it, I must have won.

What do panties and nail polish have in common?

Both come off with alcohol

What do McDonalds and priests have in common?

They both stick their meat in 10 year old buns.

A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath. The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle on the passenger seat. "Have you been drinking?" the trooper asks. "Just water!", the priest replies. "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and shouts, "Praise the Lord, He's done it again!"

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy. Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home. Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders.

He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines. After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer ...

A fisherman and his wife have two children

But the issue was they had no idea what to name them. No name sounded about right, but one day they realized that whenever they left them in a room to their own devices, one kid faced the sea and the other faced away. It was always the same kid, and it happened each and every time.

So they de...

Tomorrow we have to wake Green Day up.

When September ends.

I have a magic act where I make cocaine and marijuana disappear

It's all smoke and mirrors

Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.

It’s simple meth.

Why do chicken coops have two doors?

Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

I have discovered that the hokey pokey is the meaning of life.

Cause that's what it's all about

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What does Blizzard the NBA and eating pussy have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit

My friend and I have discussions on palindromes.

We go back and forth on it.

I have a fetish for writing the last paragraph of a paper.

I just came to that conclusion.

What do World Of Warcraft and China have in common?

In both there's tanks used to take down mobs.

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