This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, “Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?”

“No” said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note.

She then asked “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?” “No, I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt...

Why don't rabbits make noise when they make love?

Because they have little cotton balls.

Three nuns die and go to heaven

Three nuns die and go to heaven, where they stand at the golden gates and each have to go to Peter, who tells them they have to answer one question to enter heaven.

„Who was the first man on earth?“, Peter asks.
„Oh, thats an easy one“, the first nun says,“It was Adam of course!“

Mu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man knocks on the door and asks the woman " Do you have a vagina? "

A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks this.

Man: Do you have a vagina?

Woman slams the door in disgust

The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question
Man: do you have a vagina?

She slams ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A daughter asks her dad if she can have a sleepover with her girlfriends and he agrees

Later on, he over hears their game of truth or dare to which the daughter's friend asks her when the last time she had an orgasm was. The daughter replied, "Oh, about 3 days ago." and her dad bursts into the room yelling, "I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT!"

There are 3 men on a boat and 4 cigarettes, they don't have a lighter, how do they smoke?

they toss one cigarette over board to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

Why haven't aliens visited our solar system?

They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

If I had a nickel for every typo I made..

I'd probably have a lot more than 5 sense.

My wife and I decided not to have kids

The kids are taking it pretty badly

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was ...

Man says to his boss “Can we talk? I have a problem.”

Boss says “Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!”

Man says “Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

Without Arabs, we wouldn't have 9/11.

We'd have IX/XI instead.

2+2+2=7

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: Let me put it to you d...

“Wait a minute! You have been cheating on me all this time!”, my wife yelled at me as she found all the letters I had been hiding.

I felt cornered and prepared myself to face her fury, as she got red with anger and started walking towards me. She looked straight into my eyes and gave me a killer look I could never forget.

​

And kids, that’s the last time I played scrabble with her!

Thanos’ finger snap would have a way greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared

Apparently only DC movies can do that

Can we ban "Yo Momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid, and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times

Just like yo mama

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet

Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best .

P.S.A - Do recycle ♻

A man in a Mercedes-Benz picks a hitchiker up.

After a while, the hitchiker points at the Mercedes emblem and asks "What is that?"

The driver says "It's an optical sight. Every time I put someone in the crosshairs, I run them over. Here, look at this pedestrian". The driver pointed his car at the pedestrian, but turned away in the last mo...

Donald Trump and Barack Obama’s ended up at the same barber

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald wa...

Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump

But it’s a silly comparison really, it’s like comparing Apples to Oranges.

What do forklifts and girls have in common ?

If you don't have one, you'll have to unload by hand.

A weasel walks into a bar...

The bartender says: "Wow! In all my years of tending bar, I have never served a weasel before! What can I get you?

"Pop," goes the weasel.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two women had been having a friendly lunch, when the subject turned to sex. “You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems." Linda told her friend. “That’s amazing!” Mary replied. “So have Tom and I."

"We’re thinking of going to a sex therapist." said Linda.

“Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!” responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?”

Several weeks passed and the two friends met for lunch again.

“So how did the sex therapy wor...

Scotish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing"...

"Forty-five years of misery is enough”, he continued.

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does tofu and a dildo have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Have you not got a girlfriend?"

"No dad."

"Do you think you will ever get a girlfriend?

"No dad, not at all."

"Are you gay?"

"No dad, and will you please fuck off with your lesbian fantasies."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does Donald Trump's hair and a thong have in common?

They both barely cover the asshole.

Someone knocked on my door and asked if I had found Jesus

I explained it wasn't my turn to watch him this time, and they really should have used bigger nails.

The women I meet in bars have the WORST pickup lines...

​

They're like, "Hey, what's your friends name?" Never works on me ladies.

My girlfriend left me because I have a fetish for touching pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni now. 😔

(Thanks for the silver! X 😊😊)

Be like Frank

**Passenger**: "Who?"

**Cabbie**: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

**Passenger**: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

**Cabbie*...

Gamers these days have no patience.

Two thousand years ago, respawn wait times were *three days*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Do you tell your husband when you have an orgasm"?

"No, he doesn't like to be disturbed at work".

Guys I think I have a superpower

I'm invisible to girls

Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors?

So they can see the battlefield.

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Does my Thai gf have a penis?

Something inside me says yes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They say there is a 50/50 chance to have a female on the opposite side of the gloryhole

Right now I really hope that is a woman's penis

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch...

They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?

This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house a...

My wife screamed at me: “You really haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said to you, have you?”

What a weird way to start a conversation!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why don't Baptists have sex standing up?

They're afraid it might look like they're dancing.

Researchers have discovered a self-sustainable utopia where the recycling rate is as high as 98%

But you already know about this place. Welcome to /r/jokes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A tattooed guy, a hot blonde and a pale looking guys have a chat

The tattooed guy brags: "I have the best job, I'm a musician. Each day I have sex at least twice!"

The hot blonde responds: "Well, I'm a prostitute. It's literally my job. I have one customer per hour!"

Finally the pale looking guy joins in: "Still, none of you gets as much sex during ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

I have a pen that can write underwater...

it can write other words too

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”

I said, “No. Is that still required?”

Why are vaccinated kids more likely to have autism?

Because the ones that aren't are dead.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I don't like to brag, but I have a huge sex drive.

It's almost up to 5 TB.

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician

And a Czech one too.
A Czech one too.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If two people having sex is a twosome, and three people have sex is called a threesome,

I can see why everyone calls you handsome.

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen".

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

Adolf Hitler and my wife have the same birthday. It's crazy to think that such a loathsome figure, who ruined the lives of so many people...

Shares the same birthday as Adolf Hitler.

Why do the Swedish have barcodes on the side of their ships?

So they can Scandinavian.

(Sorry, my personal favourite joke)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend told me, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you have on!”

I said, “Thanks. Those are called pants, not an ass shirt.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Scientists have discovered a new type of bees that make milk!

They have named them boobees

After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I grinned and said, "Yes, Steve!" She gushed, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"

"Thanks." I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby?"

My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.

I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.

What do necrophiliacs and alcoholics have in common?

They both love cracking open a cold one.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does Budweiser and having sex in a canoe have in common?

They're both fucking close to water.

I have a horse named Mayo

Sometimes mayo neighs.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time th...

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their newborn Psalm West. I have only one question.

Is it a hymn or a her?

Have you guys heard about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis

Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y.

Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W...

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I will find you...

You have my Word.

I have just written a book on how to fall down a staircase.

It's a step by step guide.

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.

''I've never been better!'' he boasted. ''I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?''

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, ''Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one da...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW.. Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
...

So an American walks into a store in the Midwest and says, I'd like to buy that .50 cal sniper riffle with 4,000 rounds of ammunition and a box of penicillin...

The store clerk replies: sorry Sir, I'm going to have to see some paperwork for that penicillin.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why won’t cannibals eat obese people after they have had sexual reassignment surgery?

Trans fats are bad for your health.

When I die, I have but 2 requests.

The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland.



The second, I don’t want to be cremated.

Have you heard of the wooden car?

It has a wooden steering wheel, wooden seats, wooden engine, and it wooden go

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have these weird muscle spasms in my gluteus maximus,

I figured out from my doctor that everything was alright:


They said "Weird flex, butt okay."

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train...

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My sister asked me if I wanted to have sex with her

I replied, If you incest

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have two moms, one of them rides a bike to work and the other goes by car.

Bike ma is usually nice to me, but car ma's a bitch.

I've just discovered that I have a logic fetish.

I can't stop coming to conclusions.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighte...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doctor: "Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live."

Man: "Doc, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked. “What can I do to live at least a little longer?"

Doc: "Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?"

Man: "Yes."

Doc: "You must stop!"

Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I'll do it!"

Doc: "Do you drink...

In the past the poor had horses and the rich had cars. Now the poor have cars and only the rich have horses...

My how the stables have turned!

I was stopped at the border by a guard who asked me "do you have any weapons?"

I said, "what do you need?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Over the course of my life my sexual fantasies have been getting more and more perverse.

But it wasn't till I spanked a statue that I realized I had hit rock bottom.

My gf always wanted me to have a body like Thor

after seeing Endgame I have finally done it

If Hillary Clinton was elected, she would have been the first f president.

I would say female, but the emale got deleted.

What do a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?

They both can smell it but can't eat it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Long] A guy walks into a bar and demands 3 shots of tequila. Bartender obliges and says, "rough day?". "You have no idea!", the guy replies as he slams down the shots...

He begins telling him about his horrible day when a jar full of money at the end of the bar catches his eye. "What's that jar of money for over there? It's full to the brim of $10's and $20's!"

Bartender tells him it's a challenge he offers to his patrons, $10 to play, and you have to complet...

Chemistry teacher: Did you know protons have mass?

Student: I didn't even know protons were Catholic.

What do Kermit the Frog and Atilla the Hun have in common?

They both have the same middle name.

Me: I have trained this goat to talk.

Karen: This would be fun to see.

Me[to goat]: Who do i love the most?

Goat: Mee

Me[to goat]: Who's my pet?

Goat: Mee

Karen: Ah, its boring

Me: Wait it gets better

Goat: It gets way better, Karen!

What do a pro soccer player and a great wife have in common?

They both know how to lay down and fake it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fish was watching a fly and thought ‘if that fly drops 6 inches, I’ll jump out of this river, catch it, and have a really nice meal’.

What the fish didn’t know was that there was a bear watching from a distance. The bear thought to himself ‘if that fly drops six inches and that fish jumps out to get it, I’ll catch the fish and have a really nice meal.’

What the bear didn’t know was that there was a hunter eating a sandwich ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

Why does Irish chili only have 239 beans?

Because anymore and it'd be too farty.

My friend told me, “ You have a B.A., a Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”

It was a third degree burn.

I was in a long staring contest with the sun.

Everything is dark now, dare I say it, I must have won.

Today a 12 yo kid came to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?"

I can't believe it. Kids nowadays are so polite.

I think I have a fetish for discovering things about myself

I just came to this realization

What kind of bird doesn't have babies

A swallow

Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and

“OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front ...

Can a woman have a child in her 70s?

No, children are zero when born silly!

We should have known the Soviet Union would collapse.

There were a lot of red flags.

There's something a lot of girls want, that guys have below their waist. It starts with p and ends with s

Pockets

Have you heard about the new law that has passed?

They passed a law saying you have to have your headlights on when it’s raining in Denmark.

Problem is, when I get in the car, how am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Denmark?

What do politicians and diapers have in common?

Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple ask their doctor to watch them have sex.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in...

My boss told me to have a good day...

so I went home.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames

I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is it called when you have sex with your clone?

A doppelbänger.

Have been putting 3.14 on pieces of jewellery.

Pioneering work, I think you'll agree.

I have just started to read a horror novel in braille

Something bad is going to happen, i can feel it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy."

Now I just wait at green lights till I feel better about myself.

Have you heard the news about the broken spaceship?

No I wouldn't expect you to, it really didn't take off.

What do you have when you’re holding two green balls?

Kermit’s undivided attention

Have you ever seen a really beautiful woman and thought to yourself you should go say something?

But then you realize it's a bad idea. She's probably going to freak out when you walk out of her closet.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’ve got this new hobby. I pay for the services of multiple prostitutes, but I do NOT have sex with them. I just place them together and “fold” them into interesting shapes like cranes and flowers.

It’s called Whore-a-gami.

If i have a penny for everytime i dropped a penny..

I would have none!

So I have a morbidly obese friend, but he identifies as skinny.

He’s trans slender

Have you been forced to walk 500 miles? Then forced to walk 500 more? You may be entitled to compensation!

Call the Pro Claimers now!

Unvaccinated children DO have a lower rate of autism.

Because they're dead.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How much sex does a person who likes both men and women have?

Just enough to get Bi

Boss : You are the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?

“I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track.”

Have you heard about that anti-vax joke?

They never get old

Back during the Cold War, the CIA, FBI and KGB decide to have a contest...

To prove they are the best secret service in the world, they'll have to find a rabbit in a forest.

​

CIA go first. After 24 hours, they get out of the forest and announce that they listened to every conversation in the forest, checked for strange lights in the sky, overthre...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A prostitute said I could have sex with her for a reduced rate of $20.00 because she didn't have a womb. Intrigued, I asked how we would do it.

She said "Acwoss the woad against those wailings"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How many times does a priest have sex?

Nun.





( i just thought of this joke, if someone told it first or is a repost im sorry )

My therapist said that I have trouble interpreting social cues.

I think she wants to sleep with me.

What do both Paul Walker and Vin Diesel have in common?

Both of their last big hits were trees

I just realized why adult websites have a bunch of incest recently.

Everyone is clicking on 'Show more related videos'.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does Japanese people do when they have erection?

They vote.

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