Two Irishmen have a bright idea

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”

Murphy watches in amazement.

The foreman shouts: “Paddy...

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With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, “Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?”

“No” said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note.

She then asked “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?” “No, I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt...

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

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A man knocks on the door and asks the woman " Do you have a vagina? "

A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks this.

Man: Do you have a vagina?

Woman slams the door in disgust

The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question
Man: do you have a vagina?

She slams ...

Three nuns die and go to heaven

Three nuns die and go to heaven, where they stand at the golden gates and each have to go to Peter, who tells them they have to answer one question to enter heaven.

„Who was the first man on earth?“, Peter asks.
„Oh, thats an easy one“, the first nun says,“It was Adam of course!“

Mu...

There are 3 men on a boat and 4 cigarettes, they don't have a lighter, how do they smoke?

they toss one cigarette over board to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

Why haven't aliens visited our solar system?

They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.

If I had a nickel for every typo I made..

I'd probably have a lot more than 5 sense.

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

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What have an orgasm and a pulse in common?

It doesn’t matter if she has one

What do Millennials and Tarzan falling to his death have in common?

"I miss Vine."

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A daughter asks her dad if she can have a sleepover with her girlfriends and he agrees

Later on, he over hears their game of truth or dare to which the daughter's friend asks her when the last time she had an orgasm was. The daughter replied, "Oh, about 3 days ago." and her dad bursts into the room yelling, "I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT!"

2+2+2=7

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: Let me put it to you d...

Donald Trump and Barack Obama’s ended up at the same barber

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald wa...

A man in a Mercedes-Benz picks a hitchiker up.

After a while, the hitchiker points at the Mercedes emblem and asks "What is that?"

The driver says "It's an optical sight. Every time I put someone in the crosshairs, I run them over. Here, look at this pedestrian". The driver pointed his car at the pedestrian, but turned away in the last mo...

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction

So I packed up my stuff and right

Doctor: We're going to have to remove your colon

Me Why?

I have a dog with no legs called Cigarette.

Every day, I take Cigarette out for a drag.

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What do tofu and dildos have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes

A bear walks into bar. Bartender asks, “What would you like to drink”? Bear says, “I’ll have a rum and coke...

My Boss: What’s the joke? I don’t get it.

Me: What do you mean you don’t get it? Just think about it.

My Boss: The Bear can talk?

Me: No, that’s not the joke.

My Boss: The Bear can walk into a bar?

Me: No, that’s not the joke either.

My Boss: The Bear likes ...

I rang work and I said "I can't come in today, I have a wee cough"

The boss said "You have a wee cough?"

I said "Wow, thanks boss, see you next Wednesday!"

I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

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I have to tell my girlfriend that I don't like the fetish she's into...

But first I need to get some shit off my chest.

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Every day we have hundreds of people coming into this country with no skill, no grasp of the language and a total drain on our resources...

Babies are fucking useless.

A man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bar tender "If I impress you, can I have a free drink?". The bar tender said sure, so the man reached in his pocket and pulled out a tiny piano. He then pulled out a small rat and set it by the piano. It crawled on to the bench and began playing

music. The bar tender was amazed, so he gave the man a beer. Next, the man said "If I impress you even more, can I have free drinks for life?". The bar tender didn't think it was possible, so he agreed. The man pulled a frog out of his pocket, and it began to sing by the piano. The bar tender smiled...

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Why do ducks have tail feathers?

To cover their butt quacks

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver ...

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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

“No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!” ...

What do Giants and Strippers have in common?

Grinding men’s bones to make their bread

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A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

why don’t libraries have books about suicide?

They don’t get returned.

A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh."

The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."

Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of time

You see, it used to get cold outside

Without Arabs we wouldn't have 9/11.

We'd have IX/XI instead.

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I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this ...

I have a pen that can write underwater!

It can also write other words too

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King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.




"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"




The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

A weasel walks into a bar...

The bartender says: "Wow! In all my years of tending bar, I have never served a weasel before! What can I get you?

"Pop," goes the weasel.

I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000...

I can’t stand it!

Be like Frank

**Passenger**: "Who?"

**Cabbie**: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

**Passenger**: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

**Cabbie*...

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

Why do German girls all have the same phone number?

Seriously, every one of them I ask says 999-9999

I have a fear of overly designed buildings.

A complex complex complex

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.

I prayed to god to have the best chess skills in the world

Checkmate atheists

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What’s does Donald Trump’s hair and a thong have in common?

They both barely cover the asshole.


Thank you for the silver anon person!!

There were 3 people on a boat and 3 cigarettes, but they didn't have a lighter so how did they light the cigarettes?

They threw a cigarette overboard, so the entire boat became a cigarette lighter

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I managed to have sex with my girlfriend for 1 hour 30 minutes doggy style last night...

That’s 4 minutes in human time.

Doctor: I have bad news for you. You’ll have to take one of these pills for the rest of your life.

Patient: But... Doctor... you had given me only three pills!?

Doctor: I told you it was bad news.

.

.

.

.











*Edit: I can’t correct the title but it should say “... take one of these pills **each day** for the rest o...

What do vegans and introverts have in common?

Both avoid meet.

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My hot neighbor wanted to have sex all night long...

She's single . . . She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street in the rain and up my driveway. She knocked on my door . . . I rushed to open it. She looked at me, and s...

What does a hand grenade have in common with a wife?

Take off the ring and your house is gone


This post sure "blew up"


Just like my house

My wife and I decided not to have kids

The kids are taking it pretty badly

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband and my life. I just want to go home."

Poof! The brunette gets her wish, and she is returned to her family.

The redhead says, "I've also been stuck here for years, and I wish I could go home, too."

P...

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Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

... "go on" says the priest.

"I swore the other day" says the man.

"continue" says the priest.

"I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway".

"...

My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life,

and I don’t try to run mine.

I have sensitive teeth.

Even me just saying that offends them.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby’s father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%.

However, as t...

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was ...

Mental illness joke. (I have this illness so I'm laughing at myself) I used to have a beautiful girlfriend who loved and cherished me before I got diagnosed with Schizophrenia

Then they put me on some pills and she disappeared

I have the eye of the tiger...

and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

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I'm 45 and have the body of a 25 year old model

She's in my basement. What do I do?

Man says to his boss “Can we talk? I have a problem.”

Boss says “Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!”

Man says “Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity.”

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On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to...

A man walks into a bar and sits down He asks the barkeep "If I can show you something you have never seen before, can I drink here for free tonight?"

The barkeep thinks about it and says "well I have seen a lot of stuff, if you can genuinely show me something I have not seen before, I will pick up your tab tonight".

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a minature piano and sets it on the bar, then he reaches into his other pock...

Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.

11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

I have developed a phobia of sausages

I fear the wurst

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.

''I've never been better!'' he boasted. ''I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?''

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, ''Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one da...

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up. “I have an idea!” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey and a bible on the coffee table...

“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino and if he takes the bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffe...

There is nothing more embarrassing than your parents entering your room in the morning when you have an erection

in your mouth...

Emperor: How many soldiers do we have for my secret mission?

Servant: 476 my Emperor

Emperor: Good, round them up

Servant: 500 my Emperor

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I went to visit my old hometown the other day and found the house I grew up in. I knocked on the door and asked the owners if I could have a look around. They said "NO!" and closed the door in my face.

My parents can be such jerks sometimes.

I have a Polish sound engineer friend.

I also have a Czech one, too.

I have come up with a strategy to keep my kids from misbehaving around Christmas time. I keep empty wrapped boxes under the tree and when one of my kids misbehaves, I throw one in the fireplace

The situation changes however, when I run out of children

Can we ban "Yo Momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid, and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times

Just like yo mama

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Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

\[Twice removed\]

What did Michael Jackson have in common with a second-place NASCAR driver?

They both came in a little behind.

So an American walks into a store in the Midwest and says, I'd like to buy that .50 cal sniper riffle with 4,000 rounds of ammunition and a box of penicillin...

The store clerk replies: sorry Sir, I'm going to have to see some paperwork for that penicillin.

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Patient: I have an irrational fear of the Backstreet Boys

Therapist: tell me why


Patient: AHHHHHHHH

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During a recent archaeological dig, researchers believe they have found the worlds first tampon...

...but they don't know from what period.

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My wife tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic

But I refused, if I'm going to have sex it's going to be on my own Accord

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I will find you...

You have my Word.

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If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet

Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best .

P.S.A - Do recycle ♻

Most people have weird things that turn them on

But as a doctor I get my kicks from knee cap reflexes.

My marriage has lasted 50 years even though my wife and I only have one thing in common

We're both terrible at ending relationships

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Never have sex with a wizard...

I did once and I got Hogwarts.

Now they won't quidditching.

Marvel have announced their newest Superhero team, one consisting entirely of Trans-woman.

The Ex-Men.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What Scientology and Trump have in common?

Both of them were very successfull launching a cult by talking crazy shit about aliens

Hey dad, have you seen my sunglasses?

No son, have you seen my dad glasses?

Why don't priests have laptops?

Because that space is occupied.

"I really don't think you have a case, sir," said the detective as my wife washed her hair and cried from the bathroom.

"How can you say that?!" I demanded. "That hairstylist is a monster!"

"Look, sir, I can't just go around arresting every barber that gives a bad haircut." He glanced at his notes. "Even if he made her 'look like Captain Kirk.'"

"I never said he made her look like Captain Kirk!" I barke...

The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

I found out that I have a fetish for discovering things

I just came to the realization

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What do cats and women have in common?

They both fucking hate me

As a blind man, I have a hard time eating fish

I can't seafood

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do religion and a penis have in common?

It's nice to have one and it's ok to be proud of it.

But it's not cool to force it into other people.

A wife asks her programmer husband "can you go to the store and get a carton of milk. If they have avacados, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

I was in a long staring contest with the sun.

Everything is dark now, dare I say it, I must have won.

Thanos’ finger snap would have a way greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared

Apparently only DC movies can do that

Today I argued with my pregnant wife and she said "I have two brains and you have one"

Too bad one's not fully developed



and the other is our child's.

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My girlfriend dumped me because I have a weird nickname for my penis.

I guess I have to take Matter into my own hands.

Three months have passed

Since I have subscribed to the gym membership and I didn't lose a single pound. I might have to go there in person to see what's happening.

I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.

It will be for people who love meat tender.

What does a responsible bartender and anti-vax mum have in common?

Neither give shots to children.

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What do "thoughts and prayers" and homeopathy have in common?

They don't do shit.

Why can't Russia have a female president?

Because Putin is not a woman.

Have you heard the news about the Amazon rainforest?

It’s spreading like wildfire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have sex almost everyday!!!

Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday, almost on Thursday, almost on Friday, almost on Saturday, almost on Sunday

I have a special needs daughter, and she hates taking baths.

I don’t blame her. I don’t like soggy vegetables either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Why can't you have surprise butt sex?

You gotta plan for that shit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have a problem with my genitals

One of my balls hangs lower than the other two

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Genie: You have two wishes left.

Me: I wish the letter G was the letter P instead

Penie: And your final wish?

Me: I wish that every E at the end of a word was an S instead

Penis:

Ms: Nics

I'd much rather live in Norway than Denmark so I don't have to switch insurance providers.

Denmark doesn't have a Blue Cross as far as I know.

Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?

So they can see the front lines

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently, it's considered unprofessional to have sex with one of your patients

Anyway, I lost my job as a veterinarian today

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Does my alien girlfriend from area 51 have a Penis?

Something inside me says yes

What does trump have in common with a pumpkin?

They’re both orange on the outside hollow on the inside and should be thrown out in early November

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers.

I’m going on a hike and picking music. I have songs from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem.

I call it my trail mix.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have a friend who used a cucumber as a dildo but got it stuck for a long time...

Is she stuck in a pickle or is a pickle stuck in her?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone in my sewing class thinks I’m the worst they have ever seen.

Shit, wrong thread.

What feels fragile at first but starts to feel more durable the longer you have it?

Your phone

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men have an anniversary on the same day (NSFW)

One of the men asks the other, " what did you get your wife for the anniversary?"
" a gold necklace and a new car" replies the other man
" why would you get her a necklace AND a car?" Asks the first man
" so if she doesn't like the necklace she still has a car and drive home happy" replies...

What do Panties and Nail polish have in common?

They both come off with Alcohol.

Have you ever wondered why Americans spell it, "Color" or "Neighbor" and Canadians spell it, "Colour" and "Neighbour"?

It's because America doesn't care about you

Why don't drill operators have friends?

They're boring.

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