Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."

Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"

Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”

“If your name is Michael, please stand up”

Then a couple dudes stand up

And he goes “That concludes the mike check”



stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.”

The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says "woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

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Donald Trump is president. I think if George Washington were alive today, he'd look around and say, "What the fuck is going on? "

"How am I still alive?"

An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?"

The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”



"Because…He’s my newt.

I don't know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.

They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.

A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

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How do you say 'what's up dawg ' in Japanese

Konichihuahua

I named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles”

But today, I ran over 5 miles

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a nazi say when someone sneezes?

WHERE?

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What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?

Honey I'll be home in 20 minutes.

There is a horse. The horse says "I don't think." and disappears.

This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am."

But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

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Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are talking. Harry says, "Ron, I'm gay."

"Are you fucking serious?!" asks Ron.

"Yeah...that too," says Harry.

Two men walk into a bar. One man orders H2O. The other says,"I'll have H2O, too."

The second man dies.



That's why you shouldn't repost.

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A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute…

A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute…

He says “how much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “ $250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“

She says, “Honey, follow me “and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give...

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single."

The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?"



Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

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Dad: Say daddy

Baby: Mommy.

Dad: No. Say daddy.

Baby: Mommy.

Dad: Fuck! Say daddy!

Baby: Fuck!

Dad: What did you say?

Baby: Fuck!

Mom: I'm home!

Baby: Fuck!

Mom: What? Where did you hear that?

Baby: Daddy.

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My roommate says our house is haunted

I've been living here for 300 years and i havnt noticed shit.

What did Charizard say to Pikachu?

Charizard

My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"

Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon

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What else could he say??

A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.

"What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked.

"That...

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parr...

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When you say the word "poop"

your mouth moves just like your butt-hole does when you poop.

The same is true for "explosive diarrhea".

I wouldn’t say it’s easy living with erectile dysfunction.

But it’s not hard.

Never say c'rona virus.

That's how I contracted it.

In an effort to bridge the cultural gap with my Hispanic friends, I’ve been saying “muchos” a lot more recently

It means a lot to them

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Three men enter a bar in the USSR. One says, "Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?" The other one says, "Because he was afraid of capitalism."

The whole bar died laughing

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A drunk walks into a packed bar, holds his wallet in the air, and says, "A round of your finest for everyone in the house! And pour one for yourself, bartender!"

So the bartender pours a drink for everyone in the place, and downs a shot for himself. Then he says to the guy, "That'll be $250, buddy."

The guy says, "I don't have any fuckin' money."

The bartender leaps over the bar, beats the man half to death, and throws him out in the alley out ...

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little frisky. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her: “Honey, would you take me upstairs?”

Horrified, she replies: “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”

“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?” he asks, grinning at her.

“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

“Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”


“No way. It’s just too ri...

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.

He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."

Things you can say about a Home, But not your spouse.

You can fit a family of 4 in there! even the in laws!


Just come in the back door it's no big deal.


Dangit we got another leak....

What did Roger Stone say when he bumped into Donald Trump?

Pardon me.

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One looks at the other and says:

‘I think we got this joke wrong’.

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange?"

I said: "No it doesn't!"

What did the microwave say to the food

MmMmMMmmmmMmmmmmmMmmMMmm

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

He asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies ...

What did Raichu say to Pikachu?

Raichu

“Take a card, any card,” the magician says.

I take his credit card.

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says:

"I don't know how to drive this thing."

Two Irishmen walk past a shop window with a sign in it that says, ‘Suits £2 Shirts £1.50!!!’

One Irishman nudges the other with excitement and says, “We are going to make our fortune here today”, and they enter the shop excitedly.

They walk up to the counter and one of the Irishmen says “Can we get 50 suits and 50 shirts please?”

The lady behind the counter looks at them with...

What did the janitor say when he opened the closet?

Supplies!

What did Gold say to the periodic table?

Hey you!

People say 60 is the new 40

The cop who pulled me over didn't agree with that point of view

A paedophile goings into a florist and says “I’d like to order some flowers”

“Orchids?” asks the florist

“No, just the flowers” he replied

My girlfriend dumped me. Says I'm too hung up on getting revenge on people.

We'll see about that.

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Everywhere I go men say they want a girl with personality...

Well that was a fucking lie because I have multiple and they still leave me

What did the reddit user say after detonating a bomb inside a bank?

EDIT: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!

What do you say to an Aussie that ran out of toilet paper?

B'day mate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did one saggy boob say to the other?

If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts.

What do you say to Mario when he doesn't get a joke on the Internet?

It's a meme Mario.

How do poets say hello?

Hey, haven’t we metaphor?

A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."

So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.

The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere.

The third guy doesn't go anywhere.

6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all...

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My three year old daughter made this up...what did the potty training robot say?

Pee poop pee poop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?

I'm so over you!

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A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.

So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it...

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What can a teacher say in class and during sex?

I better wrap this one up, because you'll miss your next period.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says "If any of you are paedophile, there’s no point waiting here. Just fuck off straight to hell!"

Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.

St. Peter call...

On a plane is full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack.

One of the flight attendants notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?”


Immediately, five people stand up and say
"I'm not a doctor, but...

I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint

You have to say

Leroy, please paint that wall

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

It's cute, but can it pick up peanuts?

Can’t a girl just say Good Morning to a guy like a normal person?

Is it really necessary to ask “Who are you” “How did you get in my room” “Why are you naked”.

A military commander calls his soldiers and says: "the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"

One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander.

"Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".

...

They say you are what you eat.

Well, today I bought some ready to eat chicken, and sure enough, when I got home I was ready to eat chicken.

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

What did one blackberry say to the other blackberry?

If you weren't so sweet, we wouldn't be in this jam!

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Parent Teacher conference

A boy tells his father, "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."



The father asks, "What happened?"

"Well she asks me, 'how much is 7 \* 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 \* 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'"

"Indeed, what is the difference?" a...

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey!

What does a Muslim child say after being caught stealing for the second time?

"Look mom, no hands."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”

The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. <...

What did the Redditor say when someone coughed near them?

Thanks for the cold, kind stranger

What did the fish say after it swam into a wall?

Damn

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred d...

The Secret Service are no longer allowed to say "Get down Mr. President!"

Now they have to yell "Donald, Duck!"

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

°***gagging sound***°

What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage?

To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.

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Guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says :

This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.

The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the horny Roman say to his girlfriend?

Wanna LXIX tonight?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal.

Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.

A sailor says to his captain,

"Captain, we are under attack by a boat!"

The captain replied, "Go get me my red jacket."

Puzzled, the sailor asks why.

"So the enemy doesn't know that I've been wounded," replies the captain.

The sailor says ok, and runs off to fight. They won the battle.

The next...

Being racist is like saying you don't like red skittles

They may be a different colour but they still taste about the same

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.
A month later at bedtime, the daughter ...

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A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first.

After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!”

“Well, what should I do?” asks the man.

“Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breasts.”

The man takes the adv...

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Job Interview

A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

Th...

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A redhead walks into a tattoo show wearing a leather miniskirt and no panties and sits down in the tattoo chair and says, "I want a tattoo of Bon Jovi on the inside of one thigh and Richie Sambora on the other."

Tattoo artist asks, " What on earth for?"
Woman says, "So when I masturbate I can imagine I'm with either one, or both of them and have really intense orgasms!"
Makes sense to the tattoo artist so he dives in and gets to work. A few hours later the tattoo artist tells the woman that he's finis...

What did the cake say to the fork?

You want a piece of me?

I don't understand why people say giving cats baths is hard.

I was really enjoying it.

He was too.

Worst part was the fur in my mouth.

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A big muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store...

..and asks, “W-w-w-what’s y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” Again, the clerk doesnt answer him. The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-whats y-y-your L-...

For safety, if you're turning a power supply on at work, just say hey

Watts going on

My 7/yo sister said this at the dinner table while me and my dad were talking: What did one paper say to the other?

Nothing. Paper doesn't talk. That's how I want you to be. Like paper.

What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson's funeral?

Nothing.

John thought he could never catch an illness. When his co-worker asked him if he ever gets sick, he would always say “The day I become ill will be the day pigs fly.”

A few months later, it finally happened.

The swine flu.

What did the cow say to the farmer?

Moo

A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer.

A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer like the Western cops have to deal with drunk drivers. He asks his superior for one and his superior says "Sorry comrade. We have no money."

The cop decides to go to a local black market where he buys a condom.

He stops the first driver and sa...

What did the deer say when she walked out of the forest?

“That’s the last time I do THAT for two bucks.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a captain say when he's getting a hand job

All hands on dick

Three old spinsters die and go to heaven and at the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter. He says: “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”

The first spinster says: “I want to be Sophia Loren.”

With a bang, she’s gone.

The second says: “I want to be Madonna.”

She also disappears immediately.

The third says: “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”

St Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.

“Sara Pipalini,” ...

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The Logical Redneck

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me giv...

Why did no one say anything when the Queen farted?

Because noble gasses don’t cause a reaction

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A woman walks in with a huge grin on her face. Her husband asks "why are you so happy?". She says "I am 45 but my doctor told me that I've the breasts of an 18 year old. "Oh yea" quipped her husband. "What did he say about your 45 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up"

"65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse.

The other 35% were women."

Why do we say amen instead of awomen?

Because we sing hymns instead of hers

What did the Kamikaze pilot say to his students?

Pay attention, "I am only going to do this once."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did one butt cheek say to the other?

Together we can stop this shit.

What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg?

Hop in

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a Muslim person say when they're asking someone to be their sex friend?

Will you be my haram bae?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?"

The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other...she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks ...

Dear people who wrongly say "ATM machine".

I hope you get the HIV virus.

A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the mutt replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The mutt looks up and says: “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country...

My shrink says i have a gambling problem..

i asked "doctor is there a cure" she said "no dice!"

People say Bernie Sanders isn’t a Democrat...

But what’s more like a Democrat than winning the popular vote and losing an election?

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What did the man say when he ran over a deer with his car?

Fuck.



You were expecting "Oh deer" weren't you?

What did the stoner say to the boulder?

Rock on.

What did the snow say to the fence?

“Did you catch my drift?”

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A bear asks his rabbit friend if he ever gets poop stuck in his fur after pooping. Rabbit says no.

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

I saw my ex-girlfriend across the museum hall, but I felt too self conscious to go say hello..

there was just too much history between us..

What did the bird say to the conspiracy theorist?

Nothing, birds aren't real

The pessimist says the glass is half empty.

The optometrist says you need new glasses.

What can I say? I enjoy going to court.

So sue me.

My friend Robbie shocked and hurt me. He told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend!

It totally ruined our bath!

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A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girlfriend says to boyfriend “The gynaecologist says I can’t have sex for two weeks. Boyfriend says to girlfriend..

“Well what did the dentist say”

A man and his wife go into the delivery room to give birth. The doctor says, “we have this new machine, where by the flip of a switch, the father can bear some of the pain to ease the mother. Want to try?” The every supportive husband says “sure.”

So, the doctor sets it to 10% and asks the husband how he feels.

“Fine. You can turn it up.”

Surprised, the doctor goes to 20%.

“More. This is easy”

Soon enough, the doctor goes to 30%, then 40, 50, 60, all the way to 100%. “I’ve never gone past the 25% mark” says the d...

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An old Jew on his deathbed

A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."

He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would you say to a spanish person that planted grass seed on your butt

Grassy ass!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say about 70% of people masturbate in the shower and about 30% sing in the shower. Do you know what the most popular song is to sing in the shower?

You don't? Well I guess we know what you've been doing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say that a man who keeps his hands in his pockets...

Feels cocky all day.

WHAT did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened?

Close the door, I’m dressing..

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, and go to Hell.

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust ha...

drunken man stumbles out of a bar and, gets on the greyhound late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts,

"Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, you should ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say you have a 50% chance living next to a sex offender.

Lucky I live next to a sexy 12year old.

Trump says he will bring Jobs back to America;

The problem is he died on October 5th 2011, and I've never seen anyone brought back like that.

IF YOU SEE A LINK THAT SAYS "GUY FIERI NUDES" DONT CLICK IT!!

ITS A VIRUS THAT LEAVES YOUR CAPS LOCK ON!!!

They say you can lead a horse to water, but how do you make a horse drink?

Put it in a blender.

What does a yoga instructor say after being asked to leave?

Na-ma-ste

They say you are what you eat...

But I don't remember eating a big disappointment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing. They're both stuck-up cunts.

_(Not my joke.)_

I don’t actually have a joke for you guys, but I do have a really awesome idea for cleaning up the trash on our planet! For one day, every single person in the country grabs a broom and cleans out every dirty corner they can find! It’s become quite popular across the country. You could say it’s...

...sweeping the nation

A bear walks into a bar and says "Give me a whisky... and a cola"

Interested, the bartender asks, "why the big pause?"

The bear shrugs,"I was just born with them I guess"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was going down on my girlfriend

Then I said 'Geez you got a big pussy! Geez you got a big pussy!' She said 'why did you say it twice?' and I said 'I didn't'".

What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention.

That's Remarkable!

Terrible joke, came to me on the toilet early, but I had to say it. And it's also likely be told in some form before.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a guy say when he gets stabbed

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

(What'd you think he say?)

They say a picture is worth a thousand words...

which of course explains why so many photographers are broke.

There's been talks saying the Egyptians invented cement...

Historians have looked in the ruins for evidence but there's nothing concrete

What did the waitress say to the table of old jewish ladies ?

Is anything OK ?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After sex one female breast says to the other

"It's over. Someone's cum between us".

what did the skeleton say to his enemy

I've got a *bone* to pick with you

If anyone says you have to work 365 days in 2020 in order to succeed, they don’t have your best interests in mind and is preaching toxic hustle culture

You need to work 366 days cause it’s a leap year

I got an email saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backward.”

And I thought, “that’s just spam”.

What did the pilot say before he crashed into the mountain?

"Kobe!"

This drunk walks up to a cop and says "someone stole my car."

The cop says "well where was it?" And the guy says "It was right on the end of this key."

The cops thinks for a minute and says "I dunno man why dont you go on down to the station and report it there. They'll have you fill out all the proper forms and all that."

The guy says "alright"...

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