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What did the Indian kid say to his parents when he left for school

Mum bai

Andrew Tate says his Romanian jail is infested with lice. "Can you imagine sharing a cell with vile parasites?"

Say the lice.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says, "You must be single." The man answered, “Wow, how did you know that?”

The cashier replied, “Because you’re ugly.”

sources say it was raining when JFK embarked on his motorcade and yet he decided to go in a convertible..

Makes you wonder what was going through his head.

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What did the tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing, they were both stuck up B*tches

A guy isn't feeling well, and goes to the doctor. The doctor says, "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?"

The guy says, "I guess I'll get the good news first."

The doctor replies, "You're going to get something named after you."

How do I say I hate you in a nice way?

"You are the Monday of my life".

Happy Monday ya'll.

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My wife is brilliant. She never says “No” to a shag, she has great tits and even swallows.

But her bird collecting has gone on for long enough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why say you swallow cum?

When you can say you sucseed

A man answers his door to find a somber-looking police officer standing on his porch. “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, sir,” the officer says, “but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus.”

The man replies, “Yeah, but she’s got a great personality.”

What did the Russian billionaire say when checking in at a hotel?

I'd like a room on the first floor, please.

What is the worst thing you can say when someone points a gun at you?

Oh, shoot!

What did the 0 say to the ten?

Thanks for reading my joke.

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The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.”



The old Jewish man says, “Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz, we ma...

Two cannibals were eating and the first one says: Your sister makes a delicious soup. The second one says:

True, but now I miss her

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A husband tells his wife: "I bet you can't say something that makes me happy and sad at the same time"

She told him: "you have the biggest dick in the whole town"

My girlfriend says she is having the worst period ever.

I respond with “Are you sure you’re not ovary-acting?”

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What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip!

What did Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

My wife says I get mean when I drink whiskey. Now I drink Canadian whiskey.

I am still mean but I am sorry, too.

A burglar breaks into a house. He begins to search the home for valuables when hears a quiet voice say

“Jesus is watching you” he dismisses it as paranoia and carries on with his crime. He hears the voice again “Jesus is watching you”. He’s knows this time it’s not in his head so he looks around the room and sees a parrot in the corner. He walks over to the parrot and it repeats one more time “Jesus...

What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt!

My wife said, Why don't you ever have anything to say to me?

I replied, I don't like to interrupt.

Some say...

Some say that the average Russian soldier is two feet taller than the average Ukrainian solder. Others say that raised arms don't count.

What did Archimedes say when he peed in the bath?

UREA!!!

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like...

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Wayne Gretzky is going down on his wife, she cums all over his face and says messy eh?

He looks up at her and says loudly no it’s me Wayne.

It says here on your resume that you were a m-m-misogynist?

"Yes, I used to give massages."

"OHH! I was confused because--"

"Because you're a woman?"

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Confucius say:

Man with severe premature ejaculation may cum in handy

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4k?

HDMI

A man walks a boy into the woods. The boy say he mister it’s getting really dark and im scared

The man replied how do you think I feel I need to walk back alone

what did Einstein say when he attended the Alabama orgie?

"It's all relatives"

They say kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.

I’ll remember that the next time I get lonely.

What did the measuring cup say to the water?

I’ve had it up to here with you!!!

How do mathematicians say goodbye?

Calc u later!

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I'm paid to travel

You should see my my dates' faces when I tell them I'm a bus driver!

What did the baker say when he messed up his recipe?

Dough!

What did the aging 007 say to his pharmacist?

Bond. Gold Bond.

What did the buffalo say when he dropped his son off at school?

Bison

What did the brown hamster say to the white hamster?

You must be new here.

What did one dollar say to the other?

Hey, Bill

My music snob friend told me that The Doors had a lacklustre rhythm section. I asked him why he would say that, and he just shrugged his shoulders.

I told him I’m sick of hearing these bassless accusations.

What did the fish say when it hit the wall?

Dam

What did 50 Cent say to his Grandmother when she made him a sweater?

Gee, you knit?

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

“I don’t know if I can get hard, I just got laid this morning”

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What does Robert Plant say before he has an oragasm?

Valhalla, I am cumming.

i would say a joke about Covid-19 in 2023...

but im getting sick and tired of it!

They say you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. I say you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him swim.

I am _never_ playing water polo again

Some people say love is the best feeling...

But I think finding a toilet when you have diarrhea is better

What did one brick say to the other when he saw the mason?

We're finally going to get laid!

NSFW A dog and a cat are having an argument about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “humans like us more; they even named a tooth after us (the canine). Naming an important body part after us proves they like dogs more.”

The cat smiles and says, “Guess what? You are not going to win this one”

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What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts; this ain’t no ordinary blow job.

What did the vegan zombie say?

Ggggrrrrraaaiiiinnnnssssss

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the dwarf say to the prostitute?

Hi ho.

What did the man say after getting attacked by crows?

I just got murdered.

What did Lisa Marie say to Michael Jackson when she wasn't in the mood?

Just beat it.

Mike and his wife Sara went to the state fair every year, and every year Mike would say, "Sara, I'd like to ride in that airplane."....

Sara always replied, "I know, Mike, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."


One year Mike and Sara went to the fair, and Mike said, "Sara, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."


S...

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What does a blind person say when washing a grater?

"That must be the stupidest shit I've ever read."

Wife: You only listen to half of what I say.

Husband: I have tinnitus. Half of what I hear is EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
The other half is tinnitus



note: she begrudgingly laughed at this one and we are still together.

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything."

After a brief chuckle, the vendor makes the hot dog and gives it to the monk, saying "That will be $4 please". After the monk hands over a $10 bill, he finds himself waiting uncomfortably while the vendor does nothing except stare back at him.

Awkwardly the monk asks "What about my change?" ...

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What did one sperm say to the other?

How am I supposed to get to the egg with all this shit around?

What does the judge say when someone farts during trial…

Odour in the court!!!

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What does one saggy boob say to the other?

We better perk up or else people will say we are nuts!

What did Mark Zuckerberg say when the US shot down the UFO?

Oh no, not my Uber!

In online chatting,if a girl says she is 18,she is probably 16

If she tells she is 16,she is probably 14

If she tell she is 14, He is probably 52

What did Elton John say when he saw a muscular rabbit?

It’s a little fit bunny…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was getting bored with the sex life with her husband, and decided some sexy talk would spice things up. So one day when things are getting intimate she says to her husband, "say dirty things to me." The husband smiles, leans in and gently brushing his lips to her ear whispers...

"^the ^dishes, ^^the ^^living ^^room ^^carpet, ^^^behind ^^^the ^^^fridge"

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What did the man with the average size penis say while getting a blowjob?

You suck a mean dick

What did the philosopher say after he took a bath?

"I stink, therefore I swam."

My four-year-old nephew still can’t say ‘please’ in Spanish.

That’s poor for four.

What does a narcassistic cow say?

"Meeeeeee"

What did Ryu (Street Fighter) say when his step dad asked if he could borrow his lawnmower?

Sure you can

What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?

“I want to grow mold with you.”

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A guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I have a problem"

"My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday, and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need three Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor says "You know, taking Viagra three nights in a row can be very dangerous. I will give them to you on the condi...

Layer at the police station: "I won't say anything without my lawyer present. "

Police officer: "YOU ARE THE LAWYER!"

Lawyer: "Yes, I know, so where's my present?"

What did the melon say to her fiancé when he asked her to run away with him?

I cantaloupe.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She's gonna eat me.

There are two kinds of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say

"There are two kinds of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say

"There are two kinds of people: those who say there is no such thing as infinite recursion, and those who say

"There are two kinds of people: those who say there is no such th...

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

Supplies!

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During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well-educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."...

What did the buffalo say to his kid when he went off too college?

“I love you son, have a safe trip and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

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What can you say to a dentist that you can also say to a prostitute?

Give me oral, B!

They say marriage is like a three-ring circus

First, you get the engagement ring.

Then, you get the wedding ring.

And finally, you get suffering

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In Japan, what do you say to your mom when she cooks for you?

I love umami !!

What did one gargoyle say to the other in the dark?

Statue?

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

To which I say, “Stop eating cameras.”

People say I'm a good swimmer

That's why I was born, and my brother wasn't

What did the Tibetan monk say when he saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine?

I can't believe it's not Buddha.

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What do I say now?

One bright and cheery Saturday morning a man hears a knock at his front door and answers it.



The stranger says, “Hello. I’m a Jehovah’s Witness, and I am here to enlighten you with some religious stories.”



“Well, come on in,” says the homeowner. He takes the stranger to...

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The Mafia leader asks his right-hand man if he would do anything he says .

The guy says he’ll give his life for his Capo. Ok then , "Go into the bathroom, jerk off and bring it out."

Then he hands him a plastic cup.

Unsure of what's going on, the right-hand man goes into the bathroom, jerks off into the plastic cup, and comes out.

The Mafia leader s...

What did one DNA say to the other DNA?

Do these genes make me look fat?

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying ‘Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?’

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

What did the lawyer say to the Dentist?

"Do you promise to take the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?"

What did the crude oil say to the gasoline?

Wow, you look so refined

What Does A Muslim Train Conductor Say

Allah-Board!

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breath through that thing?

If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 mins she will be...

No need to remind her every half hour

My wife says I have two major flaws

One is that I never listen when she talks to me, and two was something else.

What did Matthew McConaughey say on his first day on the job as a Judge?

All Rise All Rise All Rise

When Kanye says “to find out who rules over you, look at who you cannot criticize”, does he mean…

kids with leukaemia? or battered wives?

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Why didn’t Hitler ever say sorry?

He didn’t speak English

What does an Italian Llama say?

Llama mia!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Nas Daily say after having sex with his wife

That’s one minute. See you tomorrow!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"You're under arrest, anything you say CAN and WILL be held against you"

"Boobs!! Boobs!! Big boobs!!"

My wife says if I don’t stop making puns about Russia, she’s going to hit me.

If that’s the way it’s going to be, then Soviet.

How do you cuss someone out without saying a cuss word?

You are a total British person saying the word "can't."

They say penguins mate for their whole life

God knows where they get the stamina

Say what you like about Boko Haram,

but you've got to admit, 'Whiter Shade of Pale' was a stone cold classic.

What did Adam first say to Eve in the garden of Eden?

Stand back. I don’t know how big this thing is going to get.

What did the serial killer say at the end of a successful first date?

Let me get them digits.

I don't understand why everyone says Chuck Norris is awesome.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone at my front door.

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A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he’s being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the agent looks over his paperwork and says:

“The reason for your audit is that you live such a lavish lifestyle, yet not much income to justify it. Can you tell me what you do for a living...

My dad always says, “Don’t spend too much money on expensive headphones.”

That’s….sound advice.

A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE: (the Washington Post competition)

I'll go first... I love you and the smell of your hair,Please don't be home when I get there.


EDIT- I have to say, the rhymes and creativity; you all are incredible, Now I have to wonder who's most edible...(no really great job to all)

They say women suck at math but idk

Every woman I’ve met told me you can’t round 3 inches up to 6

My boss hates that I have started saying 'just do it'

Somehow he thinks it's inappropriate for 'suicide prevention hotline'

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Girl in a super market says to a guy.

Girl: Hi there:

Guy: Do I know you?

Girl: I think you're the Father of one of my Kids:

Guy: are you the stripper that I made love to on the pool table while all my buddies were watching?

Girl: No I'm your Sons Kindergarten Teacher.

What did the wind turbine say to the solar panel?

I'm a big fan.

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Two guys are sitting at a bar when one says to the other to stay for another drink

Man says, “I can’t. Every time I stay out late drinking my wife is furious.

I can’t even sneak in without her knowing. I shut off my car and headlights and coast into the driveway, open the door silently, creep up the stairs quiet as a mouse, take my clothes off in the bathroom and slide int...

What did the stoner frog say to the other stoner frog?

Ripit

What did the blonde say when her boyfriend blew in her ear?

Thanks for the refill…

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A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front deck and says

"I hope the porn is disabled."

The guy at the deck replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."

What did the peons at the jam factory say when asked if they needed to use the loo?

"No time for loos, sir,

'Cause we are the jam peons!"

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A therapist gets a call from their patient saying they are going to kill themself…

Therapist: Why do you want to kill yourself?

Patient: Because you don’t take me seriously, and you’re always needlessly pedantic!

Therapist: How would you do it?

Patient: I’m going to jump.

Therapist: Now?

Patient: Yes now! I’m looking at a hundred foot drop…...

People say horse girls are crazy…

…but I’ve always found them rather stable.

My Doctor says I've run out of Magnesium

0Mg!

What did the popcorn kernel say when it found itself attached to another kernel?

I'm a little corn-fused.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Things you can say during sex and at a funeral. I’ll go first....

Even with all of her health issues, I'm glad grandma was able to come.

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What did the Asscheek say to the other Asscheek?

"We've got to stick together and stop this shit!"

What does a chemist say when his cat jumps into a pile of sand?

"Oh, you silicate"

A man walks into a library, goes to the librarian, and says "I'm looking for a book called 'Pavlov's Dog and Schrödinger's Cat".

The librarian says "That rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it's there or not".

How do crayons made in Spain say hello?

Crayhola.

They say every time God closes a door, he opens a window.

That’s all well and good. But I’m on the tenth floor.

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A man walks into the local cathedral and says to the rector, “I would like to join this fucking church.”

The rector is astonished. “I beg your pardon, sir . . . I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”
“Are you deaf? I said I want to join this fucking church!”

“I’m sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this building.”
“Okay, twat face, I want to speak to someon...

What did the nerd say to the cute girl?

Are you an API because I want to call you?

What do rude French ducks say instead of “pardon”?

Quoi quoi qoui

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My wife says I can get anal on my cake day if this post reaches front page

Please don’t make that happen, she has been dying to try that strap-on on me forever.

What did the sailor say when he saw your mom?

LAND HOE

My neighbor's son Bran always gave them a tough time eating breakfast. I guess you could say

Raisin Bran was hard !

A woman got a pet parrot, but she was horrified to discover that all it did was say mean things and insult her.

Nothing she did could stop it.
She was especially worried because her whole family was coming over for Thanksgiving.

But when Thanksgiving dinner finally came, the parrot didn't say a word the entire time. After the meal, the Parrot turned to its owner and said, "Please forgive my behavior...

What did the contractor say to the impatient customer?

We are doing asbestos we can

Say what you will about Die Hard, but it has the best ending for a Christmas movie…

Hans down.

What does the software developer say when he gives someone an STD?

Uh-oh, I deployed a bug.

What did one Mexican cannibal say to the other Mexican cannibal?

Bet you can’t eat just Juan!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Watson say to Sherlock Holmes when they found an empty diaper at the crime scene?

No shit Sherlock

What did the cupcake say at the jelly donut party?

Where all the holes at?!

What did the pirate say to the Reddit poster?

tld-ARRRRRRRRRRR…

When someone says to me, "A penny for your thoughts?" I ask for a quarter

It makes more cents.

Job Interviewer~ What would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me\~ I am too honest.

Job Interviewer\~ I don't think of that as a weakness at all.

Me\~ Well, I don't really give a sh\*t what you think.

What did the plane say to the kite?

"Do I look high?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pilot accidentally left on the intercom and was heard saying, "I could really use a coffee and a blowjob"

A stewardess quickly ran towards the cockpit, and a passenger yelled out, "you forgot the coffee!"

Eta: Looks like Good Will Hunting made this joke popular.

A soldier is standing on patrol, a man comes up and says:

- Sell me your machine gun.
The soldier answers him:
- No, I can't - I'm guarding a hangar with two secret planes.
The man says again:
- Sell it, your fighters will not fly away.
The soldier resists, he does not want to sell his machine gun.
- Something might start, and I have no a...

What did Robocop say to Schrödinger’s Cat?

Dead or Alive, you’re coming with me.

Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says:

"Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Two soldiers are in a tank, one turns to the other and says:

"Blublublublublublublub!"

Someone got 25 years in prison for saying Putin was an idiot

5 years for insulting the leader and 20 years for revealing state secrets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say a sneeze is equal to 1/16th of an orgasm

If that’s true, it horrifies me to imagine the sound my father makes when he nuts

What did the very lazy husband say to his very lazy wife when he saw her yawning ?

"Now that your mouth is already open, call our son to switch off the light".

What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife takes her husband to a strip club for their 20th anniversary

At the entrance, the guard says to the husband, "Hey Simon, how's it going?"
The woman asks her husband how he knows you, the husband answers from the gym.
They enter and sit at the bar, and the bartender asks, "Hey Simon, the usual?".
The husband turns to his wife tensely saying, we pla...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between having sex with a hooker, your girlfriend and your wife?

Hooker says, "are you done yet?"

Your girlfriend says, "you're done already?"

And your wife says, "beige, we should definitely paint the ceiling beige."

A monk, a nun and a priest all suddenly die in a fire and end up before God...

"You are all going to hell!" he announces. "As despite your dedicated lives you still had sins you did not repent for! However, for your services to me, I will allow you to choose your eternal punishment. You must select 3 different things I find most terrible that humans have experienced before. Ea...

What's interesting is that this joke can now be reused and instead of Soviet Union we can just say; current day Russia

In Russia a Man Goes to Buy a Car...

He goes up to the owner and asks for a car, to which the owner responds:

'You know there is a 10 year waiting list?'

The man then answers, 'OK,' and after some time he then agreed to buy a car.

So he pays for the car in advance, and ju...

They say a bad PowerPoint presentation reduces your lifespan by 30 minutes ...

Going by that metric, I've been dead since 1909.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the one saggy boob say to other saggy boob?

"We need some support soon. Otherwise, people will start to think we're nuts".

At the zoo, a kid says to his mother: "mom, look, look, that monkey looks really like my brother".

His mother looked at him and said calmly : "Lower your voice, don't say that, he can hear you".

The kid replied: "Don't worry mom, monkeys don't understand our language".

People say that a huge meteor killed the dinosaurs.

I guess you could say it killed lots of birds with one stone.

What did the pine say to the oak when both were being chopped down for lumber?

Life is such a beech.

what did the optometrist say to the tiny Australian insect?

"good eye, mite"

a bear walks into a bar and says, "give me a whiskey and... cola"

"why the big pause?" Asks the bartender.

The bear shrugged. "I'm not sure; I was born with them."

What did the farting cow say to the farmer who fed him?

Gassy Ass

What does the receptionist at the sperm bank says when donors are leaving?

Thank you for coming!

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide...

The first old guy says to the second guy,

'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The second old guy says,

'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little des...

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