Say Jokes - 151 Hilarious Say Jokes

Confucius say

Confucius say,

Man who run behind car get exhausted

Man who run in front of car get tired.

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What can you say to a dentist that you can also say to a prostitute?

Give me oral, B!

What's one thing you shouldn't say at your boss's funeral?

Who's thinking outside the box now, Kyle?

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What can you say both during sex and at a funeral?

I thought he'd last longer

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What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing. They're both stuck up c*nts.

If you say AT&T backwards

You sound like a Canadian Bomb Technician.

What did the 0 say to the ten?

Thanks for reading my joke.

Husband: "Scientists have found that men say about 10,000 words a day, while women say about 20,000..."

Wife (shouts from the kitchen): "It's because we have to repeat everything twice to you blockheads!"

Husband: "What?"

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What else could he say??

A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.

"What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked.

"That...

What did Charizard say when he saw Pikachu

Charizard

Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic

But it was a false Salaam

What did the Indian kid say to his parents when he left for school

Mum bai

What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?

My Korea is over

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

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Things you can say during sex and at a funeral. I’ll go first....

Even with all of her health issues, I'm glad grandma was able to come.

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What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts.

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Why say you swallow cum?

When you can say you sucseed

People say smoking will give you diseases.

What they don't know is that it cures salmon.

What do women say to guys with big wieners?

Figured you wouldn’t know.

What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt!

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What did the Pokemon say after having too much sex.

Vulva Sore.

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What can you say at dinner and also during sex?

In ‘n Out or Five Guys?

In French we don't say 'ninety nine'...

..instead we say 'quatre-vingt dix neuf' which translates as 'we don't have a functional numerical system'

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My grandma used to tell us this joke. She’d say, “knock knock,” we’d say, “who’s there?”

Then she’d say “I can’t remember!” and start to cry. And we’d laugh and laugh to make her feel better, but she was shit at telling jokes.

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What's something you can say in church and while having sex?

I come in the name of the Lord.

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What did the man with the average size penis say while getting a blowjob?

You suck a mean dick

NSFW What did the egg say to the boiling water?

I just got laid and you expect me to be hard in3 minutes?!?

Why do people say "break a leg" before an audition?

It's so that they'll end up in a cast.

They say that mafia members are nasty people, but...

but while growing up, I lived next door to one and he was actually a nice guy.

In fact, every morning, he paid me $20 just to start his car.

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What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?

Honey I'll be home in 20 minutes.

They say Donald Trump was charged with crimes that would have been ignored if someone else had committed them

I guess orange really is the new black.

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What's the worst thing you can say during sex?

Awww, and to think, in just six hours you'll have been cremated.

A man in an interrogation room says "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where's my present?

They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but...

A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

What did Neil Armstrong say when no one laughed at his moon jokes?

“I guess you had to be there.”

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What did the horny frog say?

Rubbit.

I always say muchos to spanish people

It means a lot to them

What did Trump say to Biden in the hallway of the white house?

Pardon me, please.

What did Mario say to Peach when they broke up?

It's not you, it's a me a Mario!

To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing"

Have you ever considered being more interesting?

What did the reddit user say after detonating a bomb inside a bank?

EDIT: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!

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What does Donald Trump say before sex?

You remind me of my daughter

If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it."

That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you'll hear Satan.

Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.

What did the Russian billionaire say when checking in at a hotel?

I'd like a room on the first floor, please.

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What’s a different way to say “go fuck yourself”?

You do you.

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What did Johnny Depp's bed say when Amber Heard walked in?

You've got to be shitting me.

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What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing. They're both stuck up bitches.

People say being a waiter is a bad job...

... but, hey, it puts food on the table.

Does no one say YOLO anymore?

Or are they all dead?

What does the antisocial, know-it-all frog say?

Reddit Reddit Reddit

Say what you want about Floyd Mayweather

He can't read it anyway

People say to me Jesus was not Jewish

## I say ofcourse he was Jewish

+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift

## He's Jewish. Give it up

****
_by Robin Williams_

Happy Birthday Robin!

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When you say "poop" your mouth moves in the same way your anus does.

The same goes for "explosive diarrhea".

They say don’t go grocery shopping while you’re hungry.

But it’s been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.

My granddad always used to say, “As one door closes another one opens.”

Lovely man.

Terrible cabinet maker.

How do you get an elderly lady to say f***?

Get another one to say bingo

Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says...

Bear with me...

What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife.

Nothing, he's Gladiator.

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.

I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend

What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent van Gogh??

You gonna eat that?

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My Jewish friend says this is a non-offensive Holocaust joke

A Holocaust survivor died recently. Goes to Heaven and upon meeting God, he decided to tell a Holocaust joke. Then God said "That's not funny", to which the Jew replied "Oh, I guess you had to be there".

They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book

That must be why everyone calls him the supreme reader

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Guy says to a Blonde girl.

I bet I can guess when you were born just by fondling your tits,

no way says the Blonde, go on then, so 20 minutes later the

Blonde says OK when was I born?

Guy says: Yesterday.

a teacher is doing attendance. she comes across the name “hijkm” she says “i’m sorry, i’m not sure how to pronounce this name,” then spells it out. a girl raises her hand and says this:

“that’s me, and it’s pronounced noelle”

What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?

"...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"

A burglar breaks into a house. He begins to search the home for valuables when hears a quiet voice say

“Jesus is watching you” he dismisses it as paranoia and carries on with his crime. He hears the voice again “Jesus is watching you”. He’s knows this time it’s not in his head so he looks around the room and sees a parrot in the corner. He walks over to the parrot and it repeats one more time “Jesus...

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey!

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing.

I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....

I heard my son say his first words to me today...

"where have you been the last 20 years?"

"Tell us you're wealthy without saying you're wealthy"

"Jeeves, tell those people I'm wealthy"

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

What did the food critic say after tasting the Body of Christ?

Very savioury.

A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years

[LONG]

After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’

The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.

After 20 years the head mo...

I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint

You have to say

Leroy, please paint that wall

A little girl says to her mother, “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around” “Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.”

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?”

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, “You keep quiet – I’ll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.”

The little girl says, “Daddy to...

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I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

My 7 yr old just made this one up: What do you say when a dinosaur farts?

That was a blast from the past!

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

Man says to his new bride....

After the honeymoon, the new wife told her husband, “I think it’s time for you to stop playing golf. In fact, you might as well sell all of your clubs.”

The husband replied, “You’re starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

His wife looked at him crossly and said, “I thought you said you’ve ...

What did the Catholic priest say to the other Catholic priest as they entered the orphanage?

"Let us prey."

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Girl in a super market says to a guy.

Girl: Hi there:

Guy: Do I know you?

Girl: I think you're the Father of one of my Kids:

Guy: are you the stripper that I made love to on the pool table while all my buddies were watching?

Girl: No I'm your Sons Kindergarten Teacher.

A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh."

The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."

Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"

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They say one in ten men are homosexual

In my group of friends I'm pretty sure it's Marc. He's really cute

What did the redditor say after robbing a jewellery store?

Edit:OMG thanks for the silver

Edit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the gold

EDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

Gurgle, gurgle, cough spew

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My roommate says our house is haunted

I've been living here for 300 years and i havnt noticed shit.

62% of Kentuckians pronounce their state capital "Loo-uh-vul", while 38% say "Loo-ee-ville".

Unfortunately, the correct answer is Frankfort.

They say Prince Andrew can get off on a legal technicality

Is there anything this guy doesn't find arousing?

Some Yank had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.

We may not have as much experience as y'all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.

We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.

What did Raichu say to Pikachu?

Raichu

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Three men were talking about their teenage daughters: The first says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found a packet of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked". The second says "That's nothing.

I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka.
I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank".
Then the third speaks up.
"Both of you have got nothing to worry about.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet o...

Andrew Tate says his Romanian jail is infested with lice. "Can you imagine sharing a cell with vile parasites?"

Say the lice.

a bear walks into a bar and says, "give me a whiskey and... cola"

"why the big pause?" Asks the bartender.

The bear shrugged. "I'm not sure; I was born with them."

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What are the 3 best things you can say during sex and a soccer match?

"Has to be the quickest finish ever."

"He pulled it out at the last moment! What a save!"

"I think the grass is a little bit too long."

They say you are what you eat...

today I bought some ready to eat chicken and sure enough I was ready to eat chicken.

Someone got 25 years in prison for saying Putin was an idiot

5 years for insulting the leader and 20 years for revealing state secrets.

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Everybody knows there are words only black people can say, but what can only white people say?

"Thanks for the warning, officer."

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the ba...

I saw my ex girlfriend at the other end of the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was too much history between us.

What did the Tibetan monk say when he saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine?

"I can't believe it's not Buddha."

A guy walks into a bar and says, “O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please.”

The bartender tells him, “I used to have a stutter too. Then one day, my wife gave me head, and from that point on I was cured!” The guy gets really excited and runs out the door without ever getting his beer.

The next day, the guy walks back into the bar and says, “O-o-one b-b-beer, p-plea...

Two cannibals were eating and the first one says: Your sister makes a delicious soup. The second one says:

True, but now I miss her

An optimist says, “the glass is half full.” A pessimist says, “the glass is half empty.”

An optometrist says, “you both need glasses.”

What did Optimus Prime say when he came back from Ikea?

Autobots, assemble!

(edit : a big ♥ to all the kind people who made this silly post live despite the fact I mix up Autobots and Avengers. Long live the Autovengers!)

Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim.

Within arm's length, to be specific.

What did the redditor say after a stranger gave him a piece of explosive gold?

Thanks for the gold, kind stranger

Edit: Wow didn’t expect this to blow up.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

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They say you cannot hurt yourself whilst masterbating

But I managed to pull it off

What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?

"Whoops, my fault"

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Three men enter a bar in the USSR. One says, "Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?" The other one says, "Because he was afraid of capitalism."

The whole bar died laughing

People often say "icy" is the easiest word to spell.

Looking at it now, i see why.

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What does a blind person say when washing a grater?

"That must be the stupidest shit I've ever read."

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything."

After a brief chuckle, the vendor makes the hot dog and gives it to the monk, saying "That will be $4 please". After the monk hands over a $10 bill, he finds himself waiting uncomfortably while the vendor does nothing except stare back at him.

Awkwardly the monk asks "What about my change?" ...

"Say NO to drugs" they say...

I mean, if you're talking to drugs then it's already too late to say NO.

My Chinese wife never understands what I want when I say "69". It's getting really frustrating.

On the other hand, I do like beef with broccoli in sweet and sour sauce.

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says

"Okay, you man the guns. I'll drive."

I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.

I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"

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What did one ass cheek say to the other ass cheek?

If we get together we can put a stop to this shit.

My doctor says I have narcissistic personality disorder

But that's impossible, as the smartest man alive I think I would have noticed.

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On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:

Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.

When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.

And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.

I'm starting to think you're ...

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Paddy says to his wife.....

"My bum hole is really burning, I have no idea what it is"

"Ring sting" His wife says.

Paddy replies "How the fuck will he know?"

My wife says I get mean when I drink whiskey. Now I drink Canadian whiskey.

I am still mean but I am sorry, too.

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

There is a horse. The horse says "I don't think." and disappears.

This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am."

But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

A linguistics professor says during a lecture

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”

But then a voice from the back of th...

My girlfriend says she is having the worst period ever.

I respond with “Are you sure you’re not ovary-acting?”

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In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.

Which means most countries will still have functioning governments.

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!

After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.

The groom approache...

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How do you say " 'sup dawg" in Japanese?

Konichihuahua

Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."

Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"

Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

If Arnold Schwarzenegger's tombstone doesn't say "I'll be back..."

Someone has made a grave mistake.

I don't know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.

They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.

The woman says to her husband: "If i had known you were so poor, i wouldn't have married you."

Husband: "But I told you that you were the most valuable thing in my life."

A wife comes to her husband and says:

\- Darling, let's make love like in the movies.

\- Of course love! - the husband says eagerly and begins.

Once he finishes, she looks at him and says:

\- Yes, darling, looks like you and I (*wipes her face*) are watching very different movies.

If a girl says she will be ready in 5 minutes she will.

No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it

I used to get angry every time I see someone say “Trump 2020”.

If only I knew it was an expiration date.

Mike and his wife Sara went to the state fair every year, and every year Mike would say, "Sara, I'd like to ride in that airplane."....

Sara always replied, "I know, Mike, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

One year Mike and Sara went to the fair, and Mike said, "Sara, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."

S...

My wife stopped me from taking my first bite at the restaurant, saying that we need to pray first.

"Nah, there's no need" I replied.

"But why?" she asked. "We always pray at home when I cook dinner."

"Because I think we'll be fine here, the chef knows what he's doing."

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from scho...

What did the black holes say when they collided?

Nothing, they just waved.

(Sorry)

Trump says to Pence, "China's mining too many ores"

Pence: What are you going to do?
Trump: Order more tariffs to make them mine less.
Pence: Mine fewer.
Trump: Shhh, don't call me that yet.

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Donald Trump is president. I think if George Washington were alive today, he'd look around and say, "What the fuck is going on? "

"How am I still alive?"

(Programmer) What did 0 say to 1?

You're a bit too much.

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Man says to wife, What would you do if I won the lottery?

Wife replies, Take half and leave your sorry ass. Husband replies, Good, I won 12 dollars, here's 6 now get the hell out!

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"Mickey Mouse, it says you want to divorce Minnie because

she was extremely silly?????"

"No, I said, she was fucking Goofy!"

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A guy says to his wife "gimme a blowjob."

She says "Honey, could you PLEASE be bit a bit more romantic?"

He says "gimme a blowjob in the rain."

You can say what you want about necrophiliac morticians

but at least they work hard

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A pilot accidentally left on the intercom and was heard saying, "I could really use a coffee and a blowjob"

A stewardess quickly ran towards the cockpit, and a passenger yelled out, "you forgot the coffee!"

Eta: Looks like Good Will Hunting made this joke popular.

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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what i say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

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