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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

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Bloke goes into a British pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

..."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat."

She says, ...

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My GF (23f) says having a small penis isn't a big deal

But I don't know if I can get over it. I kinda wish she didn't have one at all.

When I was a kid my mom used to say " Perdon my French" when she said any bad word.

I'll never forget the day in school when my teacher ask if could speak French.

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing.

I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....

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In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.

Which means most countries will still have functioning governments.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beat...

A chicken goes into the library, walks up to the librarian, and says, “Book.”

The librarian says, “You want a book?”

“Book.”

“Any book?”

“Book.”

So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off it goes. An hour later the chicken comes back and says, “Bookbook.”

The librarian says, “Now you want two books?”

“Book-book.”

So she...

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My Gf says I can get anal on my cake day if this post reaches front page

Please upvote because I want to rearrange the whole house furnitures to make them perfectly symmetric from every angle

The bartender says "No time travelers allowed in this bar"

Two time travelers walk into a bar

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What do women say to men with big dicks?

Had a feeling you would have to check the answer small Weiner

A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better."

"Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."

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A woman goes to the doctor and says,

“Doctor, my husband is an animal in the bedroom. He wants sex five, six, seven times a day. I love the man and the sex, but it’s just too much. Can you help me?”

The doctor replied, “Well, medically, I can’t really think of anything. Theoretically, this might work. From now on, whenever he de...

I have to say that my girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She’s a perfect ten but sadly, she’s imaginary.

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

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Guy says to a Blonde girl.

I bet I can guess when you were born just by fondling your tits,

no way says the Blonde, go on then, so 20 minutes later the

Blonde says OK when was I born?

Guy says: Yesterday.

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddi...

They say Prince Andrew can get off on a legal technicality

Is there anything this guy doesn't find arousing?

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What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary after having sex?

"I'll be home in 15 minutes."

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George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

They say WW2 was won by American steel, British intelligence, and Russian blood

Who knew that WW3 would be won the same way?

To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing"

Have you ever considered being more interesting?

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What does Donald Trump say before sex?

You remind me of my daughter

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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

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A man says to his wife 'apparently the milkman has had sex with every woman but one on our street'

'I bet it's that stuck up cow at No.36' replies the wife

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An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas.

Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week." The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't k...

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What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get the proper support, people will think we’re nuts.

I debated a flat earther once. He got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.

He'll come around eventually.

I'm saying goodbye to r/jokes for a little while.

My wife says I'm on Reddit every 20 seconds checking it and she can't stand it anymore! I had to make a choice. So I'm going to be offline for a couple of minutes while I pack her bags.

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They say size doesn't matter

But imagine how many lives would be saved if putin had normal size dick.

“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

“You herd me.”

I’ve started saying “mucho” to all of my Mexican coworkers.

It means a lot to them.

A doctor is delivering a baby. The head comes out and the baby says “Hey, you my dad?”. The doctor is shocked, says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother. The doctors calls the gynaecologist over to have a look.

Again the baby’s head pops out, “Hey, you my dad!?” The gynaecologist says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother.

The doctor and gynaecologist decide they better get the father who was too squeamish to be in the delivery room.

So the father looks between his wife’s legs. The b...

WARNING! There is a link being sent around with a message that says "Justin Bieber's Latest Album". DO NOT CLICK THAT LINK!

It will take you to Justin Bieber's latest album.

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What did the left butt cheek say to the right butt cheek?

If we stick together we can stop all this shit!

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An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

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What's something you can say in church and while having sex?

I come in the name of the Lord.

Husband says to his wife.

Husband: If I died would you date another man.?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him move in to our house.?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him sleep in our bed.?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him use my Golf ...

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In 2017, Trump went to meet Vladimir Putin in Moscow...

... They had dinner at the Kremlin and sat down afterwards alone for drinks and cigars and to discuss business.

After a little bit Putin asks Trump "hey, you wanna see something?" and he rings a little bell that's sitting on the coffee table.

A beautiful blond walks in to the room, kne...

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

People keep saying chivalry is dead. But, I looked up the definition of chivalry and it has little to do with manners and it is more about knights and combat.

The other day when I didn't open the classroom door for a girl in my class, she said that chivalry is dead. So, I challenged her to a duel.

To conclude, chivalry is not dead. But, that girl is.

To all of you who say I'm "obsessed with the metric system"

Don't judge me until you've walked 1609 metres in my shoes.

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

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A lawyer gets pulled over

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman. Cop says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?" Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete s...

At a funeral, a man asks the family of the deceased if he can say something.

They say yes, so he stands up, clears his throat and says "Optometry".

The family looks confused, so he explains, "It means eye care."

Earl and his wife, Edna, went to the state fair every year, and every year, Edna would say,

“Earl, I’d like to ride in that helicopter”

Earl always replied, “I know Honey, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”

One year Earl and Edna went to the fair and Edna said ,”Earl, I’m 85 years old and if I don’t ride that helicopter I might never get...

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What did the capital O say to the capital Q?

Dude, your dick's hanging out..

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A man walks by a 5 star restaurant and sees a sign on the window that says "piano player wanted"

He asks to speak to the manager, who he then tells he'd like to apply for the job. The manager brings him over to the piano to see what he's got. The man plays the most beautiful piece the manager has ever heard. He pulls out his handkerchief to wipe away a few tears.

Deeply moved, the manag...

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"

The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon and it’s starting to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.

Putin throws out a bottle of vodka and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my country anyway”

Biden throws out an AR-15 and says “d...

What did one tectonic plate say when it bumped into another?

Whoops, my fault.

My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.

What did Donald Trump say to the Russian Hooker?

You’re an 8

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What do you say when you catch your friend having sex with a jar of mayonnaise?

Fucking Hellmann.

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What can you say during sex and at a family dinner?

That was great! I'm stuffed!

Doctors say 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea.

### That means one person enjoys it

What did God say upon creating the penguin?

Well that'll never fly.

It’s really hard for me to say what my wife does for a living.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

What did the stewardess say to the vulture when he boarded the flight with two bags?

Only one Carrion permitted on this flight.

A little boy goes up to his pregnant mum, points at her fat belly and says, what’s that?

She says… (a bit startled…) erm… that’s a baby your daddy gave me that…

So the little boy walks off to find his dad with a confused look on his face…

“daddy did you give mummy a baby ?”

“yeh I did son, that’s right why do you ask…?”

“well don’t give her another, she ate ...

An optimist says, “the glass is half full.” A pessimist says, “the glass is half empty.”

An optometrist says, “you both need glasses.”

I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean?

Also, my IQ test came back positive

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says “Please come help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s supposed to be a rooster.”

The neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has all the pieces spread al...

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A gunman stops a driver driving through a scary countryside road and says "Step out of the car and take your dick out..."

Driver: *freezes at this unexpected turn of events*

Gunman: *In a louder voice* "Do it"

Driver: "Please don't shoot. I'll do whatever you ask"

Driver proceeds to step out of the car and take his pants off.

Gunman: "Now start masturbating or I'll put a bullet in your head"...

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it agai...

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K

HDMI

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So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…"

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best frien...

What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt.

Whats something you can say about your car but not your wife?

It was very affordable.

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When you say "poop" your mouth moves in the same way your anus does.

The same goes for "explosive diarrhea".

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A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell. They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”

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A wife and husband are having money issues. One day they decide to have the wife work the corner. Later that night the husband goes to pick the wife up. He asks, "How much did you make, sweetie?" She answers, "I made $200.50." The husband says, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?"

She replies, "All of them."

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(NSFW) An Alien craft lands in the middle of nowhere. One of the aliens walks up to a gas pump and says "Take me to your leader"...

An Alien craft lands in the middle of nowhere. One of the aliens walks up to a gas pump and says "Take me to your leader".

The gas pump doesn't respond.

The alien repeats his demand "Take me to your leader"

Again, the gas pump does not respond. The alien starts to get a litt...

A lawyer, comedian and a war hero walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “what can I get for you, Mr Zelensky?”

Credit to u/DrDerpberg

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My cake day joke - A man goes to a bar and orders 10 shots of jaeger. The bartender says wow, thats a lot, you celebrating?

The man says yes! My first blowjob!

The bartender says congrats! Why 10?

The man says *if that won't get the taste out, nothing will.*

A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola.”

“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”

Why did the doctor say 'aww' to my injury?

Because it was acute trauma

What do you do when a playground bully stands one inch away and say "I'm not touching you...I'm not touching you.."?

Hope that he pulls the army back to the Kremlin soon.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes.

Women say the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.

How do you say "No TV" in Russia?

Nietflix

What can both a successful Redditor and a surprised Terrorist say?

EDIT: Wow I had no idea this would blow up

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What did the sadist say to the masochist?

No.

The Pope dies and stands in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter looks at him confused:" Who are you? I don't know you." The Pope says" I'm the Pope, the holy father". Peter scrolls through his holy book " Pope, Pope, holy father..... nope, not in here". Now the Pope is confused "But I'm God's representative on earth." Peter says " Pease wait a minute" ...

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

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The doctor says, "I have this great new machine that's coming in tomorrow. You give me a urine sample and the machine will diagnose exactly what's wrong with you. Bring me a sample tomorrow and we'll run it through."

Ron thinks this is a load of crap so he decides to play a trick on the doctor. He collects urine samples from his wife, his teenage daughter, his young son, and his dog, and finally, jerks off into the vial. He takes it to the doctor and can hardly contain his smirk when the doctor pours it in the m...

A man in Moscow goes up to a newsstand and buys a newspaper…

He then glances at the front page, then turns aside and tosses the whole newspaper straight into the trash.

Next day, he turns up, and does the same thing. Buys it, glances at the front page, throws it in the trash.

Next day, same thing. The newsstand worker is increasingly puzzled, bu...

I'm really awful at remembering classic sayings but you know what they say

Practise makes it better

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parr...

What would a receptionist in a sperm bank say to donors visiting?

Thanks for coming!

My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

What do Ukrainians say before they shoot a rocket?

BLASTOV!

They say in every friend group there is 1 willing to commit murder

I killed the guy I suspected most before he could do any harm .

My wife said she would leave me if I don't stop comparing everything to Bruce Willis movies, but you know what they say about old habits...

They Pulp Fiction.

Bono and the Edge walk into a bar, the barman looks up and says

Not U2 again

What did they say about the artist who completed suicide by jumping off a building?

Well, at least they finally made an impact on the world.

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Hanging out at the bar, a man is talking to his friend and says,

“I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I’m stumped.”

His friend has an idea.

“Why don’t you make up a gift certificate that says she can have 2 hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll prob...

A man walks into his sons room with a lie detector and says…

“Son, I know you were not at school this morning. I have a lie detector, so whenever you say a lie it will beep. Understand?”

The son replied, “Look Dad, I swear I was at school!”

The lie detector beeped.

He said, “fine I was at the movies with my friends.”

The lie detec...

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My girlfriend says she’s open to a lot of stuff when it comes to sex

Apparently one of those things isn’t criticism

Men say 'why buy the whole cow just for some milk?" Women say...

"why buy the whole pig just for a little sausage?"

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school...

What’d the fisherman say to the magician?

Pick a cod. Any cod.


(Ayyy, my 8yo loved it. )

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What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?

“Some asshole has my pen!”

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Everytime I want to have sex, my wife says bye and just leaves the room.

Apparently, I am Byesexual.

What does a janitor say when he jumps out of the closet?

Supplies.

A Mexican magician says he'll disappear on the count of 3.

"Uno, dos..." Poof!

He disappeared without a tres.

What did the bodybuilder say when he saw the store had sold out of protein powder?

No whey!

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? Wh...

This one time a cop pulled me over and asked me to say the alphabet backwards...

...so I said "tebahpla eht" and I spent the whole night in jail.

There is an old Scottish proverb that says....

If you're smart enough to fall asleep in a field of cows, you're guaranteed to get a pat on the back.

Jesus goes to the front desk of a hotel. He puts down 3 nails and says:

Can you put me up for the night?

A man was on his death bed trying to say his final words before passing away

He lifted his head and asked : "is my wife, with whom I spent my best and worst moments here?", his wife held his hand and said with tears in her eyes and sadness in her voice "yes honey I'm here"

he took a deep breath, then lifted his head again and asked : "are my children, who have s...

What do you call someone who refuses to "open up and say ah?"

Noah.

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A man walk's into a bar the barman says "What can i get for you pal?"

The man replies " I'll have a rum and coke" the barman gives the man an apple. The man says "No i asked for a rum and coke the barman tells him to trust him and try the apple. The man bites into and says " Oh my god this is apple is amazing its taste's like Rum" the barman says "Turn it around" the ...

what did the new volcanologist researcher say to the other volcanologist after the lead researcher died?

We should probably give him a proper fumarole.

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A car full of Irish nuns sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up along side of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' lit...

Say what you will about dad jokes

But at least theres Norway I'll stoop Oslo as geography jokes.

what did the bullet say to the man that got shot?

Just passing through

A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot three times in her stomach

Miraculously, she and all three babies survive.


One of her daughters runs into her room one day and says “mommy mommy! I was going to the toilet and a bullet came out!” The mother sighed and told her the story of how she got shot and survived.

In came her other daughter “mommy momm...

What did Batman say when he had to pee?

"To the batroom!"

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

Happy Chinese New Year! Or as they say in China:

Happy New Year!

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender r...

People call me crazy for saying that Canada is ruled by the son of Fidel Castro

...but it's Trudeau.

What did the dad say when his son came out as trans

You're not my son anymore

I don’t know why people hate China. I love it and can’t say I have a whole lot wrong with it.

It just sucks they’ve been stuck on that island for so long.

What does an air freshener vending machine, say on the screen when it's empty?

"Out of odor"

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.

He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this...

What did one deadhead say to the other, when they ran out of weed?

Wow man, this music sucks!

I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.”

Personally, I think Alabama is the stupidest country in the world.

What did the redditor say to the leprechaun?

“Thanks for the Gold, kind stranger!”

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Steve with 25 inch Long penis to God : I can’t live with this long penis.

God : Go to that Lake,
You will find a Female Frog. Ask her to marry you,
she’ll say No & you will Lose 5 inch.

Steve Went & asked the Frog : will you marry me?

Frog : No

He Lost 5 inches.

He thought 20 inch is still Long.

So he asked again : will you...

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Sitting on the examination table, a man says “D-D-Doctor I have a t-terrible st-t-utter and it ruins my p-p-professional and p-p-personal life.”

The doctor checks him out almost everywhere but sees no problem.

He says “take off your pants for me”.

The man hesitates but abides.

The doctor inspects him and says “I see! Your penis is about 6 inches too long, it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing you to stutter”. ...

They say the people burning books are just a vocal minority

But I don't see the police harassing them?

I don't understand why they say hundreds of people lost in Squid Game.

In the end, 45.6 billion won.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye Matey

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In honor of the current trend in r/pics: My wife refuses to send me nudes. She says she doesn't trust me with them.

Which is a shame because I know some guys who would pay serious $$$ for them.

The sheep says 'baaa'

The cat says 'meow'

The pig says 'oink'

The dog says 'Ed... ward..'

What did the french man say on the rolercoaster?

Oui!

How Does a Deaf Mathematician Say Hello?

With a Sine Wave!

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.

The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and ...

My wife and I were doing the naughty and she says “Say dirty things to me”

Bath, kitchen, living room…

A drunk man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in the confession box and says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies "No use knockin' mate, there's no toilet paper in this one either.”

A man wanted to literally die with his $$$, so he trusted a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a Doctor, and a third to his Lawyer to bury him with it when he died.

After his death, at the man’s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.

As they were carpooling back from the funer...

Say what you like about China...

[This post has been removed by the Communist Party of China (CPC) of the People's Republic of China at the discretion of General Xi Jinping]

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Three vampires walk into a bar... The 1st one, quite thirsty promptly says to the bartender "I'll have a glass of blood, type AB-, on the rocks", quickly followed by the 2nd making his request for "A Bloody Mary, type B+"

and lastly the 3rd one, after a little consideration, asks for "A glass of hot water please".

The first 2 vampires immediately give a look of contempt to the 3rd one, one of them exclaiming "A glass of hot water? What kind of pansy order is that?". To which the 3rd vampire, while taking a use...

My girlfriend says my Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions is horrible.

That's when I got upset and right before I walked out of the room, I turned to her with his impression and said.
I'll be returning.

What do Karens say when the manager isn't at the store?

we caren't

What did Julius Caesar say after visiting a strip club?

Veni vidi veni

Chess players say checkers players are dumb. But I like checkers...

Plus the red ones taste good.


Credit: Norm MacDonald (RIP)

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What did the Rose say to the Bee

I’m so thorny, come pollinate me.

Some people say that we need to accept all races, but I refuse!

Marathons are just awful!

Nails on a chalkboard. Which One You Say?

I dunno, both would make a horrible sound.

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything

What did the snail say as it rode on the turtle's back?

WEEEEEEEEE!

A man placed an ad online saying, "Wife wanted."

He got hundreds of messages the next day saying, "You can have mine."

How do you ensure what you want to say is stored for free for a long time?

Put it on r/jokes and it'll be reposted till you need it again.

My doctor says I have the body of a 20 year old.

Damn snitch.

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What did the leper say to the prostitute?

You can keep the tip...

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What did the pornstar say when she got home to her husband?

“You wouldn’t believe the fucking day I just had.”

my lawyer used to say

Where there is a will, theres gonna be a dead guy soon.

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Women say my dick is so big it's causing me anxiety (NSFW)

I don't think I'll ever fit in.

What did the kinky chilli dish say to the chef?

Put some cumin me

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A depressed man walks into a bar.

He approaches the bartender and says, "I'll have six double brandy." The bartender replies, "You must've had a really tough day!"

"Yeah, I found out that my dad is gay", the man replies.

The following day, the man returns to the bar looking much sadder than before, ordering another six...

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

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Homemade dildo

A man had just recently gotten into woodworking. He had made a nice table, some chairs, and a few other things around the house.

One day, his wife came up to him and asked if he could try to make her a dildo. He found the request to be a bit odd, but being the great husband he is, he agreed. ...

So Siri tells me there’s a blizzard on the way, to which I say

“Surely you can’t be serious” and she replies “I am serious and don’t call me Shirley”

I must have left my phone in airplane mode

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and we saw dogs mating. She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?" I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?"

I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."

We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow.

My ...

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