A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

What did the reddit user say after detonating a bomb inside a bank?

EDIT: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!

I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint

You have to say

Leroy, please paint that wall

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal.

Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.

Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where's my present?!

What did Raichu say when it saw Pikachu

Raichu

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”

The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. <...

I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what I say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

We’d better get some support or people will think we’re nuts.

I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I'm too 'controlling'.

Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!
After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.
The groom approaches the him ...

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?"

"Pop", goes the weasel.

They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book

That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old pilot is telling some schoolchildren about his days in the airforce. He says, "so there were 3 fuckers to the right of me, 1 fucker behind me and 2 fuckers to my left". The teacher interrupts, "you see children, the Fokker was a German plane".

The pilot replies, "that may be, but these fuckers were in Messerschmidts".

A wise man once said “it’s better to say nothing at all”

An even wiser man didn’t say that

I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China

He says he can't complain.

People say that Steve Jobs died too soon.

But I think his death was a fitting metaphor for apples attitude to battery life.

They say don’t go grocery shopping while you’re hungry.

But it’s been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says that she will have butt sex if this hits the front page by the morning.

Please don't upvote she is on a business trip until tuesday.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go ma...

What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot?

Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.

Trump says to Pence, "China's mining too many ores"

Pence: What are you going to do?
Trump: Order more tariffs to make them mine less.
Pence: Mine fewer.
Trump: Shhh, don't call me that yet.

The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.”

A tachyon walks into a bar.

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.

I just need to work out if that’s my wife or my girlfriend

When feeding me my mother would say "here comes the choo choo train....."

and i had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track

What did the two suicidal people say to each other?

nothing..... they were just hanging....

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking and molesting women."

The drunk says "Great! Let's get started."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say sex sells...

Probably because you can’t spell advertisements without semen between the tits.

I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

A genie says: I’ll grant you three wishes but whatever you wish your ex gets double

The man answers: First I want a house, second I want a car, third I want you to beat me half to death.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.

But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man driving past a farmer tilling his land says “excuse me sir, my cat lost it’s tail and I noticed you have some cattails over there”...

Confused, the farmer says “Yeah?...” “Can I take one, please?” The man asks politely.

“Suuuure...” the farmer says, rolling his eyes. The man comes back, a real cat’s tail in hand, says “Thank you, sir!” and carries on down the road as the farmer looked on in disbelief.

The next day th...

Jason Todd walks into a bar, where the Joker is behind the counter. He says "Jason, you know I can't serve Robins here"

Jason asks "Why?" and Joker replies "this is a CROW bar!"



Then he beats him to death.

As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”

The tree was stumped.

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?"

The bartender says, "Let me see and I'll consider it."

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out "Chopsticks", the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock...

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

SUPPLIES!!!

Two chemists walk into a bar. One says "I'll have H20." The other says, "I'll have H20 too."

They both enjoy a nice glass of water, because what kind of bar has hydrogen peroxide on tap?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phone rings. The man picks up, listens for a second and says, “How the fuck would I know, you idiot? I’m not a weatherman,” before slamming down the receiver.

“Who was that?” asks his wife.
“Wrong number. It was some bastard asking if the coast was clear.”

What does Joe Biden say to young girls when he leaves the room?

"Smell ya later!"

My girlfriend says I only have 2 faults.

I don't listen and something else...

What did one Chinese man say to the other Chinese man?

(Censored)

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse, I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water.

I know he means well.

I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...

“That’s just spam”

A very drunk man in a bar orders another scotch. The bartender says, "You're too drunk, Joe, go home.

Joe says, "Fine, I'll take my business elsewhere," and walks out.

A few minutes later he walks back in and says, "I'll have a scotch."

The bartender says, "Joe, I told you. You're too drunk. Go home."

Joe says, "Fine, I'll take my business elsewhere," and walks out.

A f...

I’m not saying that they are lying...

I’m just having a really hard time believing that Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting.

They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but...

A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

I have been saying "mucho" more often while talking to my hispanic friends

It means a lot to them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard"...

She says, "Oh, yeah...? My husband will kick your ass"...

He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...

She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good"...

She goes home to ...

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"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

A bear walks into bar. Bartender asks, “What would you like to drink”? Bear says, “I’ll have a rum and coke...

My Boss: What’s the joke? I don’t get it.

Me: What do you mean you don’t get it? Just think about it.

My Boss: The Bear can talk?

Me: No, that’s not the joke.

My Boss: The Bear can walk into a bar?

Me: No, that’s not the joke either.

My Boss: The Bear likes ...

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the morn...

I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

What did the ghost say when it woke up with a bad hangover?

“Man, I really need to lay off the boos.”

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers is that true?

Me: To be honest i never knew she sold flowers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer is lying in bed with his wife....

when he turns to her grabs her tits and says

"Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow".

Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".

She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says

"Honey...

What did the prison guard say when Epstein cried for help?

"I'll be right there, just hang on for a minute."

If you put a picture of yourself in a locket, you could say you are

Independent

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

A bear walks into a bar.

He says to the bartender, "I'll have a..................beer."

The bartender responds, "What's with the big pause?"

The bear holds up his arms and says, "Always had 'em."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey!



*Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.*

A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and... cola."

"Why the big pause?" Asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. "Im not sure; I was born with them."

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven

When an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him ve...

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey

What does a redditor say when someone sneezes on him

Edit: thank you for the cold kind stranger!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

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A 12 year old boy goes in the confession box and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest replies angrily, "You better not be cheating on me, you little bastard"

What did the Frenchman say when he went down the slide?

Yes

What do you say to your sister when shes crying?

Are you having a crisis?

What did the sub atomic duck say to the other sub atomic ducks?

Quark

Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.” “Really? Why do you think so?”

“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers!

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the rapist say to their victim?

GO AHEAD,CALL THE POLICE,WE WILL SEE WHO COMES FIRST.

What did the blood cell say before it died in an artery?

I will not die in vein!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does America say when the sea level rises?

Oh shit I lost my Keys

Husband says to his wife "what would you do if I won the lottery?"

She replied "I'd take the half and leave you."

"great" he said,

"I won 12$, here's 6$, stay in touch."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

What did Slugma say when someone stole his car?

''Where did Magcargo?''

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

What did the cholo say when two House's fell on him?

Get off me homes!

A man is on trial for cannibalism. The judge asks what the defendant has to say for himself.

The man replies, "if you are what you eat, then I am the real victim here."

A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh."

The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."

Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"

What did the redditor say to get attention

Its my cake day!

What does a French man say when he drops an egg on the ground?

Oeuf

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you get a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is thirty".

She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job", Harry replies. She runs back and tells the guy all he g...

What did the blanket say when it fell on the floor?

Sheet.

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

Everyone says I won't be able to make a film like The Truman Show.

Just watch me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old joke: Andrew Dice was getting a blowjob from his girlfriend. Just before he cums, she says "why do you want to do it in my mouth?" ... And Dice says:

"Honey, it's a nice restaurant...I dont wanna mess up your hair.."

What is the worst thing you can say to a cross-eyed person?

You have one week to live.

Son: "Dad, I fell in love and want to date this girl"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a horny frog say?

Rubbit rubbit

What did an impatient pot of water say to the noodles?

Udon!?

What would Jesus say after the wise men gave him gifts, if he was a redditor?

Edit: Thanks for the gold

The saying “say no to drugs” has always made me laugh.

I mean, if you’re talking to them, it is probably to late to say no to them.

What did Ringo say before the Beatles broke up

Hey guy's can we try some of my songs?

A: What did the tree say?

B: I didn't know they could speak, now I'm stumped.

Two wind turbines in a field and one says to the other, "Do you like music?"

He replies, "I'm a big metal fan."

My Doctor sent me a message out of the blue saying I need to decrease the Sodium in my diet.

Confused that he would contact me by text, I sent back “K??”

He just sent back “Na”

Now I don’t know if I should or not.

My Uncle used to say: "when one door closes, another opens"

He was a decent philosopher, but a lousy cabinet maker.

I hate how politically correct things are these days. You can't even say the word stupid without people getting offended.

I started to tell a Polish joke to a group of guys and one of them said "Hey, I'm Polish and that joke offends me!" Fair enough I thought, no one likes to be stereotyped. So I swapped out the word "Polish" for "stupid" and started the joke over. Same guy got offended.

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make me one with everything"

A rope walks into a bar

The bartender says that ropes aren’t allowed and the rope has to leave

The rope leaves and ties himself into a knot

He walks back in and the bartender asks if he was the same rope from before

The rope said, “No, I’m knot”

My ex left me because, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her.

Lucky guess.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Bo Peep say to Woody when he walked in on Buzz Lightyear fucking her?

You’ve got a friend in me.

There are a million ways to say i love you

but there is only one way to say wrong hole

What do you say when everyone goes home after an orgy?

Thanks for coming everybody!

What did the sailor say when the sea was filled with soda?

This must be a Fanta-sea!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher wants to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from sch...

(My kids’ joke) What did the cat say when it got scratched?

Meowch

What did the serial stabber say to his victims?

“Point well taken!”

What did the ghost teacher say to his students?

Look up at the board and I will go through it again

A Chinese kid approaches his father and asks him: "Daddy, why do they say we all look alike?"

The man replies: "Actually your father is the one over there"

"Hey guys, who wants to hear a blonde joke?", says a blind man after settling himself down on a stool in a bar. The question was met with dead silence.

After a few seconds pause, the bartender walks up to the blind fella and puts his face right up to his nose and says, in a deep menacing voice:

"I'm blond, and I don't appreciate blonde jokes. My wife is right next to me, she's blonde and she doesn't appreciate blonde jokes either. And best o...

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.

Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out ...

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So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

What would a cow say if she hated something?

Moo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate when people say the f-word

Stop saying *"he used the f-word"* . Just say fuck , it's not that fucking hard.

They say there's strength in number

Tell that to the 6 million jew

What did the needle say to the balloon?

"I am the king of pop."

I got roses for my girlfriend and she refused them, saying "no, because then you'll want me to open my legs."

To which I replied "why? Don't you have a vase?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek ?

Together...we can stop this shit.

Matthew McConaughey says he saw a ghost.

It was all white, all white, all white.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's keys in the door. "Stay where you are", she said. "He would be so drunk that he would hardly notice".

The husband lurched in the bed and within a few minutes, slept.

A few minutes later the woman, (unsatisfied), asked her lover to continue.

The man was too scared so the woman said, "He is so messed up I'll pull out one of his butt hairs and he won't move a bit". So she did and He did...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandad died because we didn’t get his blood type right. He kept saying, “Be positive! Be positive!”

And so we tried transfusing B positive blood but apparently he was just an optimistic little bastard was a Type A

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says " Uno , dos ," *poof*.

He disappears without a Tres.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, Alex sees an ad in the newspaper that says “Circus Looking for New Talents”.

Alex says to himself, “Eh, what the hell. I’m pretty talented,” and calls the circus.
A lady answers him.

“Hello,” she says.

“Hi, is this the circus?”

“Yes.”

“I’ve heard you’re hiring.”

“You’ve heard correctly, sir. What is your name?”

“Alex.”

“Alr...

What did sodium say to the iron?

She's Na(t) Fe(r) me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a pimp with three hoes say to them on Christmas morning?

"BITCHES, get back to work!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Cannibal say after he dumped his girlfriend?

Nothing, he just wiped his ass.

What do you say to a blacksmith who's angry about breaking his sword

Ooh, temper temper!

If what they say about the size of a man’s package being related to his shoe size is true...

No wonder everybody’s looking for Bigfoot.

A snail goes into a Ferrari dealership and buys a car, he then asks them to paint a giant letter "S" on the side. When asked why, he says

When I'm driving around everyone will say, "Wow, look at that S car go!"

When the police caution you that whatever you say can be taken in as evidence

Your next words must be: please don’t hit me again officer

I am proud to say that I endorse podiums...

...finally, a product I can stand behind.

What did one eye say to the other?

Between you and me, something smells.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Occasionally, I’ll have sex with my wife when she’s menstruating . . . Or should I say . . .

Periodically

The three hardest things to say in life are:

1. I was wrong
2. I need help
3. Worcestershire sauce

What did the blind man say when he met an old friend?

Nice to run into you again.

What does the Fox say?

Something right wing I guess

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A vampire walks in a bar and asks for a cup of hot water. The bartender looks at him and says “Hot Water? I thought vampires drink blood”

The vampire pulls out a bloody tampon and says “I’m making tea”.

What did the millennial say to the boomer upset over being called "boomer"?

The same thing boomers said to them growing up.

"They're just words. They can't hurt you."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a Hogwards student say when he walks into a door?

Fucking dumb ole' door

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts.

What did the baby Egyptian say when he got lost?

.

.

.

..

.

.

I want my mummy.

I was going to say a horse joke

But it wasn't stable enough

An angry wife says to her husband " I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!"

The husband responds "you would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country"

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