UPJOKE
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Things you can say during sex and at a funeral. I’ll go first....

Even with all of her health issues, I'm glad grandma was able to come.

a teacher is doing attendance. she comes across the name “hijkm” she says “i’m sorry, i’m not sure how to pronounce this name,” then spells it out. a girl raises her hand and says this:

“that’s me, and it’s pronounced noelle”

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Something you can say at a drive through window and during sex? Il go first

It’s ok i will come inside..

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A guy walks into a bar and says. "Give me 10 shots of tequila, line 'em up!"

The bartender does and the guy proceeds to slam the 10 shots down at machine gun pace. The bartender says, "Damn man, what's all this for?"

The guys says, "My first blowjob." The bartender says, "Well shit dude, that's something to celebrate, have another on the house!" The guy says, "No than...

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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

What did the nut say when it sneezed?

Ca-shew!

I was auditioning for a play today, and the director yelled at me. He said my acting reminded him of a female reproductive organ! Needless to say I stormed off…

But after I thought about it, I went back. I had to apologize for ovary acting.

This guy shows up at a farm and says he knows how to make animals speak

The farmer says, "That's ridiculous."

So the guy walks up to the farmer's cow and says "Moo moo moo."

The cow replies in English, "Oh, thank you for asking. He generally treats me very well. He milks me promptly at 5:30am every morning. If I had one suggestion, I wish he'd change the w...

What did E.T.’s mother say to him when he got home?

“Where on Earth have you been?!"

I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

what did the traffic light say to the traffic light?

Don't look, I'm changing.

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What did the prostitute say when she walked off the job?

I just don't have it in me anymore.

My Uncle used to say "If you do something you love you'll never work a day in your life."

He did heroin.

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel

You should see the faces my dates make when I tell them I'm a bus driver

What do women say to guys with big wieners?

Figured you wouldn’t know.

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

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What did the penis say to the condom?

“Cover me, I’m going in!”

 

________
*^(Condom: “You need to lay off those action movies, Richard!”)*

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say "vest day ever" like a million times.

Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn't as invested as they were.

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my French" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that day at school when the teacher asked if we knew any French.

A dog and a cat are having an argument on who is the favorite of humans. The dog says, "Humans like us more. They even named a tooth (canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more."

The cat smiles and says, "You are really not going to win this one you know."

An Eskimos car breaks down and a man from New Zealand pulls over to help him out. He has a look under the bonnet and says “looks like you’ve blown a seal” the Eskimo replies

“So what you f**k sheep”

My doctor says I have narcissistic personality disorder

But that's impossible, as the smartest man alive I think I would have noticed.

I don’t know why people say it’s so hard to quit smoking…

I’ve done it like six times

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What is something you can say at both a funeral and during sex?

I’m sorry, were you close?

A gorilla visits a pub and orders a pint of beer. 'That'll be £7.00' says the barman

The gorilla pays and the barman says 'We don't get many gorillas in the pub' the gorilla replies ' I'm not surprised at these prices'

Lots of guys aren't too happy with getting a "dad bod" eventually in life. But I'd say im pretty excited for it

Because it's the closest thing I'm gonna get to having a father figure in my life

What did one German bread say to the other?

Gluten Tag

A guy sees a lamp, rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one wish. The guy thinks about it and says "I want to be a powerful man in the world, and have a beautiful wife"

The next morning the guy awake in a unfamiliar room, and a beautiful woman said to him

"Wake up John, it's a busy day, we have a car tour in Dallas"

I spotted my ex girlfriend at the other end of the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was just ..too much history between us.

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What did the sign on the door of the brothel say?

We’re closed, go fuck yourself

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A man with a small penis goes to a brothel, chooses his girl, and they head to a room. She laughs at his tiny penis and says "Who are you going to please with that thing?"

"Me", he replied.

There are two trees in the forest, a beech and a birch and one day, they notice a small tree has sprouted up in between them. The birch says, "Man, that really looks like a son of a beech!" The beech retorts, "No way! That's gotta be a son of a birch!"

So, they start arguing back and forth. "Son of a beech!" "Son of a birch!"

Eventually, a woodpecker flies by and hears the two trees fighting and he asks the two trees what's wrong and what are they are fighting about.

The trees explain to the woodpecker that they can't tell if the sma...

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My wife says she feels like a dog...

I said "that makes sense, you've been a real bitch lately..."
Now I don't get to see my son.

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from scho...

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are **you** shaking, she's gonna eat me!

What did 0 say to 8?

"Nice belt"

Husband: "Scientists have found that men say about 10,000 words a day, while women say about 20,000..."

Wife (shouts from the kitchen): "It's because we have to repeat everything twice to you blockheads!"

Husband: "What?"

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Confucius Say

It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve a problem without violence.

What did the boy frog say to the girl frog?

Rubbit.

what did the blind guy say when he was handed a cheese grater

That's the most violent story I've ever read

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, ...

What did Janis Joplin say when somebody stole her “wet floor” sign?

“Take it. Take another little piso mojado, baby.”

What do you get when the sun god says he's sorry?

An Apollo-gy

One night, Pinnochio’s girlfriend says to him, “This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters.”

So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice. Gepetto says, "Sandpaper,
my boy, that's all you need."

A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says, "So
how are you doing with the girls now?"

Pinnochio says, "Who needs girls?"

What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? .

That hertz.

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George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

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A husband says to his wife, "Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm during sex?"

She replies, "I don’t like calling you when you’re at work."

What did the gunfighter say to the pencil?

Draw!

Some people say rolling for stats in D&D is old fashioned and unforgiving

But I think it builds character.

A teacher walks into a bar and says "Can I have a beer"

The barman says "I don't know, CAN YOU?"

What did the cell say to his sister when she stepped on his foot?

Mitosis

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If a snake and an undertaker got married, what would their towels say?

Hiss and hearse

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single." The man answers: "Wow, how did you know that?"

Cashier: "Because you're ugly:"

Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim.

Within arm's length, to be specific.

What does a cow say when its cheering for its friends?

I’ll give you some encowregment.


Just an average joke by my sister.

What did Jesus say to the Romans?

Hey, can you put me up for a few nights?

I'm rather ashamed to say I haven't cleaned my mirror in years.

It reflects badly on me.

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Trump says it’s changed and his supporters all cheer in the dark.

What are the magic words you say to get what you want?

I'm offended

Say what you want about the Aztecs

... they sacrificed a lot!

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4k?

HDMI

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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

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What did one butter stick say to another butter stick

you my butter from another udder

"Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor.

Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill.

The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.

The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"

The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

What did the plate, say to the other plate?

Dinners on me!

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What did Johnny Depp's bed say when Amber Heard walked in?

You've got to be shitting me.

A man answers his door and finds a piano tuner waiting on the step. 'Can I help' says the man 'I haven't ordered a piano tuner'

'I know you haven't' replies the piano tuner 'Your neighbours did for you'

Confucius say

Confucius say,

Man who run behind car get exhausted

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Four doctors are talking. "The British doctor says, medicine is so advanced in Britain that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a disco where there’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going. The wife turns to her husband and says...

“See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

The husband replies, “It looks like he’s still celebrating.”

Why did the scared cow say "Moo?"

Because it's a cow word.

----

I thought of this today, did I make a new joke?

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A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

What did the fish say when it hit a wall?

Well, well, well.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly, the woman gathers courage to go ask him out. She walks over, takes a seat next to him, turns and says...

"Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure...but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were...

What did the hitman say to the calendar?

Your days are numbered.

Confucius Say

It is nice to meet girl in park...

but it is nicer to park meat in girl

Some say child birth is the most painful event one can experience.

Maybe because I was too young to remember, but I don’t think it hurt too much.

(from my 11 yo) What does Darth Vader say after cutting someone's head off with a lightsaber?

"I find your lack of face disturbing."

A Police officer knocks on the door and says to the man “I’m sorry to say this sir but it looks like your girlfriend’s been hit by a truck.

The man replied, “Yeah, but she has a great personality”

A disheveled man is busking on the side of the street in London with a sign that says “Falklands War Veteran”

A well-dressed man notices this and feels bad, having himself been a veteran of the British Army. He pities the busker and tells him, “It must be a pity to serve your country and then come home to this. I served in the army, in fact, so I know what it’s like. Maybe this will help you out.” He then g...

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, the rope is pulled but nothing happens. He claims he has been saved by divine intervention and is released.

The lawyer puts his head on the block, but again, nothing happens, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and is set free.
...

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Which is why I’m so self conscious around bee keepers

I heard some people say Judaism isn’t a real religion

But I personally think it Israel

What’s something you can say both in an art gallery and on the bed with your partner?

It’s wet right now, please don’t touch

A blonde woman visits her husband in prison.

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He’s exhausted!”

The officer laughs and says, “Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!”

The wife replies: “Bullsht! He just told me he’s been digging a tunnel for mo...

What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?

Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant, dead ant dead Aaaaaaaaaant

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What did the porn director say when his male actor missed his cue to cum?

Hey Jack! You late!

I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world”

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.
A month later at bedtime, the daughter ...

An Italian woman is pregnant. You congratulate her. She says "Grazie". What do you say to her after that?

Prego.

What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt!

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says

"Okay, you man the guns. I'll drive."

Would you say that a cemetery in Moscow…

Is full of communist plots?

A guy walks into a bar, and orders a round. He hears a small voice say..

"You look nice today."

A few minutes later, it's that voice again, "That's a nice shirt."

The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?"

Says the bartender, "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

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A 'down and out' sees a sign in the window of a well known Jazz Bar saying 'pianist wanted'

So he decides to go inside and enquire. The owner takes one look and is immediately put off by the man's dishevelled appearance as his bar is pretty high brow. The man says 'please, give me a chance, before my life took a turn for the worst I was a pretty successful Jazz pianist'.

'Okay' says...

A man arrives home one day and says to his wife: "What would you do if I told you I had a winning Powerball ticket?"

She replies, "Honestly? I would take my half and leave you."

"Great!" says the man, and hands her $10. "Here's your half. Now pack your bags."

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What did the gingerbread man say when he orgasmed?

IM CRUMBING!!!!

"As good as this bar is" says the Scotsman…

"I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you...

What Did the Farmer Say When the Cow Ate his Marijuana?

The steaks are high right now

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A man is driving down a road when he breaks down next to a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door and says "my car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and go...

What did the Prussian philosopher say when he was asked to teach religion ?

I Kant

What did the triangle say to the circle?

You're pointless.

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"...

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the mo...

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

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My friend came pissed off at me, saying that it had not even been two days since he broke up and I already had sex with his ex girlfriend

I said: Sorry dude, I didn't know you guys had broken up!!

If a girl says she will be ready in 5 minutes, she will be

No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it

The gas Argon walks into a bar. The barkeeper says "What would you like to drink?"

But Argon doesn't react.

What did the Mammoth say to the naked caveman?

“How can you even breathe outta that little thing?”

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They say men think about sex every seven seconds.

That's why I eat my bananas in six. You know. So it's not awkward.

My meemaw always used to say, "As one door closes another one opens."

Lovely woman.

Terrible cabinet maker.

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling “The president is an idiot “

Police surround him and handcuff him. They say “it is illegal to insult President Putin”

He says “You don’t understand I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky, he is the one I was insulting “

The police captain says “you can’t fool us, everyone knows who the idiot is”

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What is the difference between a Prostitute, a Mistress, and a Wife?

The Prostitute says, “Are you finished yet?”


The Mistress says, “You're not done already, are you?”


The Wife says, “Beige… I think I’ll paint the ceiling Beige.”

I've always been told say no to drugs...

But I probably already said yes if I'm talking to my drugs

What did Princess Leia say to Han Solo on their wedding night?

Into the garbage chute, flyboy!

What did the football player say to the flight attendant?

Put me in coach.

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A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.
Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad bec...

What did the confident rodent say to the hesitant rodent?

Just "Gopher" it!

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

What did the vampire say to their human girlfriend?

"See you next month."

What did the duck say when he bought chapstick?

Put it on my bill

People say I make too many assumptions...

Well, I mean, they don't actually say it, but I know they're thinking it.

What do vegetarians say when they meet someone new?

Nice to vegetable you

What did the broom say when they were ready for bed?

I'm sweepy!

I named my dog “5 miles.” So that I could frequently say,

.....“I am going to walk 5 miles now”

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What did the tit say to the booby?

"I don't think people realize we're birds here."

My wife's just walked out on me, saying she cant take any more of my insufferable nit picking.

I think you'll find there's a hyphen in nit-picking.

Stuck on a crossword.. “according to the saying, these should be seen but not heard” 8 letters, starts with a C.

I got it, Coldplay.

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Me: So Doc, are you saying that I can jerk off whenever I want?

Doctor: No John, I said you can have a stroke at anytime.

What did Dad say when he got a universal remote for Father's Day?

This changes everything!



Happy Father's Day!

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

So Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Daffy turns to Elmer and says: “Is this Whiskey?”

Elmer says: “Yeth but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!!”

What did the suspicious husband say after he caught his wife cheating inside an igloo?

Inuit!

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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see?

He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're twins! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting, but I ignored this and I went up to my friend's room,



“How are you mate?” I said.



“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my ...

How does an ocean say hi?

It waves

What do ghosts say when they hear bad comedy?

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

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My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance...

We'll see about that...

Three fonts walk into a bar. The barman says,

Clear out, we don’t want your type here!

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They say you cannot hurt yourself whilst masterbating

But I managed to pull it off

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My wife is brilliant. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.

But her bird collecting has gone far enough now.

Confucius say…..

Man who go through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok

An unemployed guy sees an ad in the paper that says "Photographer wanted for Miami-based luxury bikini line". Thinking it to be a joke, the guy calls the number in the ad.

"Hello," he says. "Is that photographer ad a joke?"

"No," says the voice on the other line. "One of our photographers died suddenly last week, and we're looking for a new one."

"Cool! I've been looking for a new job for a while, and this seems like it could be a very fine job for me."<...

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my girlfriend says her pussy's like a rose

But I think it looks more like tulips

What can you say about the haters of Jesus?

I guess they nailed it in the end.

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing.

I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

A woman was attending her husband's funeral when a man asked her if he could say a word.

The woman said yes, so the man stood up and said, "Plethora." He then sat down. The woman went over to him and said, "Thanks. That means a lot."

What did one hat say to the other?

You stay here, I'll go on a head...

What did the winner of the farting competition say?

"I knew I had it in me"

Buckingham Palace say the Queen will interrupt her annual stay in Balmoral in Scotland to hold an audience with the incoming new prime minister.

Creaking a bit, with limited mobility, but still doggedly in charge, the Tory party gets its new leader on September 5th.

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3 guys were at a sleep over

They just watched a horror movie so decide to sleep on the same bed.
In the morning when they wake up.
The guy on the left says "I had great dream where he was being wanked of by a hot blond"
The guy on right says "Oh shit, I had a dream where I was being wanked of but by a brunette"
T...

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A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for identification.

The blond asks, “What’s that?”

The blond cop replies, “It’s the thing in your purse with your picture on it.”

The blond reaches into her purse, pulls out her compact mirror, and hands it over.

The blond cop opens it, takes a look, and says, “I’m sorry mam. If I knew you were an ...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

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Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there...

What did the tropical bird say when he was asked to help operate an industrial machine?

"Don't worry, one bird usually can't operate this machine on his own.

But toucan."

My girlfriend says that she thinks her husband is the world’s greatest lover,

but she hasn’t been able to catch him at it!

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up a letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
<...

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They say having sex burns as many calories as running 8 miles…

I think that’s ridiculous, who can run 8 miles in 30 seconds

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three tampons are walking down the road. A thin, a regular, and a super. Which one says hi first?

None. They're all stuck up cunts!

What does a girl say when she sees a huge dong?

Oh you don’t know? My condolences.

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