What did master yoda say when he saw himself on a 4k tv?

HDMI

My grandad always used to say “as one door closes another one opens”

Lovely man, Terrible cabinet maker.

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"



"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terri...

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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says....

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

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A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”


The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”


The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’...

You may not believe me when I say that Trump isn't the Prime Minister of Canada

It's Trudeau.

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A little girl runs up to her mother and says "mummy, daddy hanged himself in the basement!"

Upon hearing the news the mother breaks down in tears and, shakily, makes her way into the basement.

When they get there, the woman cannot see the father's corpse.
The little girl then exclaims "April fools! Daddy did it in the garage"

They say I'm overconfident

Edit 1: Thanks for the silver!

Edit 2: Thanks for the gold!

Edit 3: Thanks for the platinum!

Edit 4: Wow this really blew up!

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My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal.

Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.

A man walks up to the Widow at a funeral and asks if he can say a word.

"Of course", she replies.

The man plucks up the courage and says, "Bargain".

The Widow looks at him, teary eyed and says,

"Thank you so much, that means a great deal".

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A Nun was taking a bath when there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" She asked. The voice back replies "It's the blind man, can I come in?" The Nun thinks for a moment and says "yes that's fine". The door opens and the man says.

Nice tits, where you want me to hang the blinds?

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”



Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on...

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

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Genie says, "I will grant you 3 wishes, What will be the first one?". Omar replies, "I wish that I can have unlimited wishes."

Genie : "That is not possible, you can only have 3 wishes."

Omar thinks about it for some time.

Omar : "Alright, my first wish is that I want an umbrella."

Genie grants the wish, and asks "What do you want next?"

Omar : "Shove this umbrella up your ass."

Genie stru...

When a kid says

When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

My Tinder bio says I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I’m paid to travel

My dates are always upset when I tell them I’m a bus driver

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A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don’t know if it's in yet."

"Yeah, that's the one!"

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...

My step-sister walked into my room one day and she says, "Hey, big brother... take off my shirt."

So I took off her shirt.

Then she says, "Take off my skirt..."

So I took off her skirt.

Then she says, "Take off my bra and panties..."

So I took off her bra and panties.

Then she says, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, I'm telling mom and dad!"

Three nuns die and go to Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.

"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun.

"Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in.

"Where did Eve live?" He says to ...

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A priest checks into a hotel room and says to the front desk "I hope the porn is disabled"

The front desk lady says to him "no, it's just normal porn you sick fuck"

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me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago today!

######[100 years ago...]
**witch:** fuck this house

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Two guys invited a prostitute to a hotel room

They decided to do it separately so the first guy goes in the room while the other is waiting at the lobby.

Then the first guy comes out, the second guy asks: ''How was she?''

First guy answers: ''She was okay, but she was nothing compared to my wife.''

Then the second guy goes...

Little Johnny is taking a shower

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father t...

Why do British people say British like Bri ish?

Because they drank the t.

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mate, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss...

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big ...

A guy gets pulled over by police, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t”, the guy says “I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.”

“Can’t do that either,” Jim replies, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”...

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A Russian dude enters a bar wearing a tshirt saying, "Turks got 3 problems."

Obvious repost

As soon as he enters the bar a bunch of Turks stop him.

Turks: you come in our country and have the balls to insult us.

Russian : that's your first problem. you guys gets offended so easily.

Turks: Let's get him outside.

Russian: that's your second p...

Three men are chatting when the first says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber.

"I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A pipe."

"I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician," says the second. "I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A box of fuses."

"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse," says the thi...

What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots say to his students?

Watch closely. I’m only going to do this once.

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What did the Praying mantis say to his wife after sex?

so no head?

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'II show you how to do it the honest way and get the same...

As a non-American, I love seeing Americans saying Happy 4th of July.

It's the only time Americans pronounce dates correctly.

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

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Patient: So Doctor, you're saying that I can masturbate whenever I want?

Doctor: No Glen, I'm saying that you could have a stroke at any time.

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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

My wife stared at me in disbelief and cried, “You’re shirtless and also covered in… oil?!” I chuckled proudly, “Well, you’re always saying..."

"...I never glisten!"

She screamed, **"LISTEN!!** You never **listen!!"**

What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?

My Korea is over

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

I don't know why people say that pee is stored in the balls.

I mean, there's a vas deferens between the two.

A man is driving around the backwoods and he sees a sign in front of an old, shanty style house that says - “Talking dog for sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog t...

I'm not saying my ex is fat...

But my memory foam mattress took a year to forget her.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank...

What does a German bread say?

Gluten tag.

If I was being subjective, I would have to say that the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who.

If I was being objective, I would say it’s Dr. Whom.

Here’s a classic jewish joke.

A mother brings her son two new ties as a birthday gift for her adult son. Later, in the evening the two meet for dinner and the son is wearing one of the ties. His mother takes one look at him and says, “You didn’t like the other tie?”

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot u...

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A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang

One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."

The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"

"I don't know"

"Actress?"

"I don't know."

"Singer?"

"I don't know."

"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"

The ...

What did Microsoft employees say to Bill Gates after his motivational speech?

Word.

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They say makeup sex is the best, which is great news for me.

Because all my sex is made up.

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When you say "poop" your mouth moves in the same way your anus does.

The same goes for "explosive diarrhea".

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My favorite NSFW Joke: A guy calls his friend, and says "you're not gonna BELIEVE what happened to me last night...

I was walking home from the bar, and I saw this woman tied to the railroad tracks, like in the old silent movies!"

His friend says "that's crazy! So what did you do?"
"Well, I untied her of course! And then I took her home and had sex with her all night long."

His friend says "tha...

My girlfriend and I are huge movie quoters. When we give each other presents, we say, "WHAT'S IN THE BOX?! WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!?!?!?!"

Apparently when she asks, "How do I look?"
"That'll do, Pig. That'll do," isn't the right movie quote...

You can't be trans and say that you're ugly

You're a customisable character

What did Raichu say to Pikachu?

Raichu

I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"

She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"

My wife says I only have 2 faults.

I don’t listen and something else...

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Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says "If any of you are paedophile, there’s no point waiting here. Just fuck off straight to hell!"

Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.

St. Peter call...

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breath through that tiny thing?

I just wanna say to all people suffering from Paranoia

You are not alone

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Washing Machine

Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex, they decide on ‘washing machine’. 
Later in bed that night husband says, “Washing machine.” 
Wife replies, “Not tonight darling I have a headache.” 
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, “Washing machine.” 
Husband repli...

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer "That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.

The next day, again.

On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor ...

A couple getting married are standing at the altar saying their vows...

"Do you, Linda, take David the optometrist for better or worse. Better.... Or worse? Better.... Or worse?"

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

There is a law that says you don't have to wear a mask

It's called Natural Selection

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

Two Sisters...

One blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They ...

They say a woman's work is never done...

Maybe that's why they get paid less.

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Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

...."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."


The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it al...

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How do you make an old lady say "Fuck"?

Have another one say "Bingo!"

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Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.

As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.


"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what ki...

(NSFW) What do you say when someone enters the sperm bank?

Get a load of this guy.

Similarly, what do you say when someone leaves the sperm bank?
Thanks for coming.

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them...

I saw an electrician accidentally electrocuting himself today; you might say he was...

killed.

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest...

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read.

After a few minutes the man tu...

You know what they say about jokes with the wrong punchlines?

To get to the other side.

They say that laughter is the best medicine.

Then, why was I kicked out the cancer ward for laughing at the patients?

What did one Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer?

Cool ranch.

(Written by my 9 yo daughter).

What did the peanut say to the moon?

Nothing.. Peanuts don’t speak..



My 4 year old just told me this joke and I can’t stop laughing..

What did the Spanish sauce say to the English sauce?

Soy sauce.

A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"

“Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"

The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
...

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Sex pill

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doc...

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland nursing home were turning 100 years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer to...

I love going to pet shops. If I see an empty cage, I put a large pre prepared sign, saying "CHAMELEON"....

(stand back and watch the fun.)

Doctors say 4 out of 5 people suffer with diarrhea

That means one guy likes it.

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What did one butt check say to the other

Together we can stop this crap

What did the blind man say to the 15 year old?

Why would you write that on your face?

What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift!

A long haired 16 year-old with a rich grandmother is trying to get her to buy him a car, but she says she will only do it if he cuts his hair

Not wanting to lose his long hair, the teenager argues with her over the course of days. "Grandma, all the other kids have a car!" She replies "I don't care, cut your hair and you can have one too." This argument is repeated multiple times a day, with him also making other arguments. Grandma doesn't...

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells.

Going to be saying goodbye to this group that I love so much

I am here to say goodbye, this group has been fantastic but my wife says I spend too much time here and she can't take it anymore. We argued about it and she told me its either her or the group. So I am going to be gone for a few minutes while I help her pack and call her an uber.
I'll be right ...

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It may take me a while to get hard. I just got laid by a chick.

What did the sushi say to the bee?

Wasabi

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The sexiest mythological creature is Medusa

Whenever I see her I get rock hard

A racist, a murderer, and a wife beater walk into a bar

The bartender says, "what can I get you officer?"

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

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I love it when a woman says those magical words which means she's up for sex tonight

"This drink tastes funny"

~Jimmy Carr

My best friend was a chef. He called last week to say that he found a hidden message in his herb and spice rack. He was quite paranoid and later that day he was found dead.

I should have believed him when he said his Thyme was running out.

After Trump dies, at his eulogy the priest says: he is today how he was as president..

Wearing make-up and lying in front of us

What did the Dalek say to the lightbulb?

***ILLUMINATE!***

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Some people are saying the President had "a series of mini-strokes"

I'm not sure if they're talking about his golf game or how he masturbates.

A bear walks into a bar and says

“Give me a whiskey… and a cola.”

“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender.

The bear shrugged.

“I’m not sure. I was born with them.”

What did the Roman say when his wife was eaten by a tiger?

Gladiator

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A man stores his money in a bank

A well looking man is at the bank and wants to deposit 100,000$, the bank manager gets closer to him and says:

"I have notice that you deposit huge amounts of cash every few days, is it OK if I ask, where to do find the money?"

"I'm betting" says the man

"what kind of betting?"<...

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What do you call a woman who says she isn’t with you for your money?

A liar
(Fuck you Linda)

I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.

I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.

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What did the saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

"We better get some support or people are gonna think we're nuts!!"

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What did the internet warrior say to the inexperienced prostitute?

Do your fucking research.

“I see,” says the blind man peeing into the wind,

“it’s all coming back to me now.”

“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

“You herd me.”

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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...

that's just spam.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would one of the Beatles say during an orgy?

Cum together, right now, over me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?

Hold on to your nuts. It's going to be one hell of a blow job.

Say what you want about cannibals

At least they always eat the vegetables

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

I hate those people that bang on your door saying you need to be “saved” or else you’ll “burn”

Stupid firemen

What did the meteor say to the planet?

Lemme smash

Whenever an ant gets injured, instead of helping, the rest of the colony just leaves it to die. It’s like the old saying goes:

If an ant broke, dont fix it

What did Odysseus say to the depressed Cyclops?

Nobody cares.

What did the urologist say when they made a discovery?

Urethra!

First, I got a tattoo on my Clavical that says “5”

Then I got a tattoo on my thoracic that says “4”

Then I got a tattoo on my lumbar that says “3”

Then I got a tattoo on my sacrum that says “2”

Then I got a tattoo on my coccyx that says “1”

It’s the spinal countdown!

What did the wall say to the door?

You gotta stop letting people push you around.

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I beca...

My long distance girlfriend called me saying she finally wants to meet me in person. I left her this message right before my phone died: “This is very important: I am not a man that normally makes huge commitments, but I think the time is right for us to see each other.”

Unfortunately, my phone died right after “man.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My roommates keep saying that the house is haunted by a ghost

How many times do I have to tell these fuckers I’m a phantom.

What does the receptionist working at a sperm bank say when they pick up calls?

Hi, local sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it, how can I help you?

What did the Zero say to the Eight?

Nice belt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

Two nuns are riding bicycles through the streets of Rome.

"I've never come this way before" says the first nun.

The second nun replies: "It's the cobblestones."

My wife left me because she says I’m too obsessed with football.

Oh well, we had 5 good seasons together.

What did digital clock say to Grandfather clock?

"Look Grandpa, no hands!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say when you're nervous, you get butterflies in your stomach.

This really bugged me, so I had a surgeon perform an insect-ion to see if this was true. The results were extremely alarving. What they found in my stomach will moth likely make you feel sqwormish.

What did Jim Carey say when his typewriter broke?

I'll writey then!



My girlfriend just came up with that on a juice run to the kitchen :\]

What did the pink panther say when he stepped on an ant?

Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...

Say what you like about China...

[This post has been removed by the Communist Party of China (CPC) of the People's Republic of China at the discretion of General Xi Jinping]

A linguistics professor says

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room ...

Say what you want about the crucification of Jesus...

...but they absolutely nailed it.

One day the sheriff sees Billy Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says, “Billy Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?”

Billy Bob replies, “Well, sheriff, it’s a long story!”
The sheriff says he isn’t in a hurry and that Billy Bob should tell the story.

Billy Bob continues, “Well, sheriff, me and Mary Lou were down on the farm and we started cuddling. Mary Lou said we should go in the barn and we did.
...

What does a shoemaker say when sneezing?

A shoe!

If water with ice is iced water...

... milk with ice is iced milk, and tea with ice is iced tea, what's ink with ice in it?

>!(This one works better out loud. If you don't get it, maybe say the answer out loud to someone you know and they'll probably agree even though they haven't heard the lead in.)!<

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:

“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the mi...

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Police: “Anything you say can and will be held against you.”

Me: “Boobs ....”

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had inde...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some people say there's nothing wrong with sex with a 60-year-old woman.

But I think it's entering a grey area.

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”

*Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water.*

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant

He goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5"....

I don’t see why people say dealing with cancer is hard

I’m already on stage four

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