A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

A bear walks into bar. Bartender asks, “What would you like to drink”? Bear says, “I’ll have a rum and coke...

My Boss: What’s the joke? I don’t get it.

Me: What do you mean you don’t get it? Just think about it.

My Boss: The Bear can talk?

Me: No, that’s not the joke.

My Boss: The Bear can walk into a bar?

Me: No, that’s not the joke either.

My Boss: The Bear likes ...

A very drunk man in a bar orders another scotch. The bartender says, "You're too drunk, Joe, go home.

Joe says, "Fine, I'll take my business elsewhere," and walks out.

A few minutes later he walks back in and says, "I'll have a scotch."

The bartender says, "Joe, I told you. You're too drunk. Go home."

Joe says, "Fine, I'll take my business elsewhere," and walks out.

A f...

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A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard"...

She says, "Oh, yeah...? My husband will kick your ass"...

He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...

She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good"...

She goes home to ...

Trump jokes trump all the time

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. (No, not the punch line yet)

Trump agrees to then asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One...

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

An Irishman walks into a bar.

He bellies up to the bar and says “barkeep, I’d like 3 shots of whiskey. One for me and one each for me brothers Shamus and Patrick back in Ireland.” The bartender give him his three shots of whiskey, he downs them, pays and walks out.

The Irishman continues with this ritual every day for a ...

Two goldfish are sitting in a tank...

One goldfish looks at the other and says: "Hey man, how the hell do you drive this thing?"

I told this joke today when asked to stand up and introduce yourself to the group, and say something interesting about yourself ...

So this guy dies and goes to hell. He finds himself in a nice room with a group of other people. Satan stands up and says, "Welcome to Hell!" The guy thinks to himself, "well, this doesn't seem so awful." Then Satan says, "I'd like each of you to introduce yourself, and tell us something interes...

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Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

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A man walks into a bar and orders ten shots of tequila,

The bartender asks if he his celebrating.

The man says “yeah, my first blowjob”

The bartender says “sweet I’ll buy you one more.”

The man says “No thanks, if ten won’t get the taste out of my mouth I don’t think eleven will either”

When you die and go to heaven..... which part of your body goes first?

A nun teaching religion was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven..... which part of your body goes first?

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."

"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?" said the Nun.

Suzy ...

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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

Two chemists walk in a bar...

The bartender asks "What'll you have?".

The first chemist says "I'll have some H2O".

The second chemist says "That sounds good, I'll have some H2O too!".

The first chemist drinks his water.

The second chemist dies.

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

Wife was cleaning 13 year old son's room

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"

Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't spank him."

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A man comes to the doctor and says, "m-m-m-my d-d-dick is so pressurized that I st-st-stutter."

The doctor tells him he will give him a dick transplant. He loses his 3-foot-long dick for a 4-inch-long dick.

He comes back in a week and says, "Now my wife wont have sex with me. May I have the old one back?"

The doctor replies... "A d-d-d-deal's a d-d-d-deal."

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to ...

My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke

A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind!

He walks into the first...

A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . .

. . . except for his boots.

“Where your clothes at, Slim?”

“Back at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde drove up. She says, ‘I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me.’

So I followed her. She says, ‘Take off all your clothes.’ So I do. Then she tak...

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A guy named John Asshole goes to the courthouse change his name

The judge asks him: "What's your name?"

John was a ashamed of saying it out loud so he wrote his name down and passed it to the judge

The judge holds his laugh and asks him "Well, obviously your name must be changed. What name do you prefer to be called from now on, sir?"

"Mark ...

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefuln...

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

A man is at his wife’s funeral

and a woman asks him if she can say a word.

He says okay and she stands up, saying ‘Plethora’.

The man replies, ‘Thanks, that means a lot’.

2 Cowboys are stranded in the desert.

They keep pushing on and on until they see a tree.
#
This tree in particular looked like a bacon tree.
#
“We’re saved” exclaimed the cowboys.
#
They rushed towards the tree and where quickly shot down.
#
It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
#
#
I was not aware ...

A black hole walks into a bar

A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender asks if it would like food with that.

The black hole says, "No thanks, I'm a light eater."

A man and a woman meet in an elevator..

"Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $20."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The ne...

A horse walks into a bar

The bartender says, "I see you in here a lot. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse replies, "I don't think I am", and immediately disappears.

C, Eb, and G walk into a bar.

The bartender says "No minors allowed"

A man is walking in the woods when he finds a suitcase.

He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes.
So he calles emergency services and says

"I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?"

"Well," the operator said, "Are they moving?"

"I don't know," he said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

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Confessing your sins [NSFW i guess]

A guy who had done wrongs in his life went to church to confess
He goes to the confessional and the priest asks him

P - What sins have you done, son?

S - I sinned, father, I went to send something to my sister in law and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house...

Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of...

50,000 blondes met in a center for the first ever "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention

Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eightee...

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Interactive joke

There was a man who lived in a 3 story house. **Remember: 3 stories.**

The man entered the house and saw his wife making an omelette. He told her "You're supposed to use butter, not oil." Immediately the wife slapped him and said "Who's cooking? Me or or you?"

The man went up to the se...

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A girl needs to go to her gynecologist for a check up.

She gets checked in and sits down on the table.

Doctor says "Alright, get naked and spread your legs." So she does and he starts to examine her.

The second he gets down there, she hears "Wow, you have a massive vagina! Wow, you have a massive vagina!"

She gets all offended an...

4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.

The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.

The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things...

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”

The man asks, “And how would you do that?”



The woman says, “Just wait and see.”



She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.



The boss comes in and asks, “What are you doing?”



The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”



The boss th...

A Prince is Cursed by a Witch.

He can only say one word a year. But, he can decline to say one word a year and say two words the next year and so on and so forth. One day, he sees a beautiful princess. He wants to ask her to marry him. So, he decides to wait four years to ask her to marry him. But on the second year, he decided t...

What did Raichu say when it saw Pikachu

Raichu

A farmer joke

A man is driving down the highway past a farm. He glances into the vast fields and sees a farmer screwing a sheep. He is utterly disgusted.

A minute later, he slams on his brakes and says, "That was horrible. I'm going to give that man a piece of my mind!" He turns around, and soon arrive...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping

They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. In the middle of the night Sherlock wakes up Watson and says: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”
Watson replies with: “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes says: “And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson...

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put yo...

Hooters

Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and
the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to
play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hoo...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.

The mechanical engineer says: It is a broken starter.

The electrical engineer says: Dead battery.

The chemical engineer says: Impurities in the gasoline.

The IT engineer says: Hey guys, I have an idea how about we all get out of car and then back in.

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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what I say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

A mailman notices a mail box with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day....

Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”



His roommate replies, “Canadian.”



Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”



The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”



Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommat...

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My Patient just told me this joke and i can't stop laughing

George was turning 90 this week and his friends thought of doing something special for him. So they planned to contact a high class Escort service and send him a nice surprise.



On his birthday, around 9 pm, when he was alone at home, the doorbell rang. George thought - who could it b...

Man gets on a bus and sits next to a mother with child...

The mother is trying to get her fussy son to breastfeed, she finally gets frustrated and tells the baby, "You better take to the milk, or I'll give it to this man sitting here..."

She tries a few more minutes, the baby is still just very fussy, she tells the baby again, "You need to start soo...

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

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A man is alone in an airport lounge.

A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans acros...

Two men, Jim and John, are walking their dogs when they pass by a restaurant.

“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggests.

“We can’t,” responds John. “Don’t you see the sign says No Pets Allowed?”

“Oh, that sign?” says Jim. “Don’t worry about it.”

Taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walks up to the door. As he tries walking into the restaurant, t...

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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

An old survivor of the Auschwitz death camp dies and goes to heaven. Passing through the Pearly Gates he tells god a holocaust joke to which god replies, "I don't find that funny."

The old survivor says, "Well...I guess you had to be there."

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Two business men are flying first class on an airplane...

They are both wearing suits, carrying briefcases, and both of them have a black eye.

Wondering what the odds of their circumstances are, they start up a conversation

Man #1: “Hey buddy, kinda funny that we’re both dressed for business, flying first class, and we both have black eyes. ...

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Why did the sperm say "arr"?

Because they're semen

Three college graduates—one in Math, one in Engineering, and one in Economics—sit for a job interview.

The question they’re all asked is “What’s 2+2?”

The Math graduate goes to the whiteboard, fills it with a proof, and concludes that, “A solution exists.”

The Engineering graduate consults his addition tables, writes some calculations down, graphs his results, and says, “3. But we’ll ma...

Juan arrives at the Mexico/US border

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on a bicycle. He's got 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them ou...

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks ‘Why is the last one so cheap?’

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too.

When the dad gets home the parro...

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A woman is pregnant with triplets.

She lives in a terrible neighborhood and one day is caught in the middle of a drive by shooting. She is rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. When she wakes up the doctor tells her that all of her babies will live, however each one was hit by a bullet and they were unable to remove them.
...

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses.

His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. “My friend isn’t breathing,” he shouts into the phone. “What should I do?”

“Relax,” the operator tells him. “I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s silence, and then a gunshot.

The guy gets back on the phone and says, “OK,...

They say don’t go grocery shopping while you’re hungry.

But it’s been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.

Matt Damon, George Clooney, and Matthew McConaughey decide to make a movie together...

Matt Damon says I'll act. George Clooney says I'll produce. Matthew McConaughey says I'll write I'll write I'll write.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking and molesting women."

The drunk says "Great! Let's get started."

Trump says to Pence, "China's mining too many ores"

Pence: What are you going to do?
Trump: Order more tariffs to make them mine less.
Pence: Mine fewer.
Trump: Shhh, don't call me that yet.

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A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12....

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This guy is waiting in the doctor’s office. He’s very nervous and decides to talk to the guy beside him

“So, What are you here for?”

“I got a red ring around the base of my penis, and I’m really scared.”

“Wow... I got a green ring... wonder what it is.”


The first guy gets called in. A few more minutes later he comes out beaming. “Nothing to worry about!! “ he tells our friend ...

A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"Nope." he replies. "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling y...

A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.

At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made.

The man: Well, Charley?

Charley lifts his paw.

The man: Charley, come on, say something...

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A black boy walks into the kitchen...

...where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends...

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.

I just need to work out if that’s my wife or my girlfriend

Two Chinese boys break into a distillery...

One boy says to the other: Is this whisky?

Other boy replies: Aye but no as whisky as wobbin a bank

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?"

The bartender says, "Let me see and I'll consider it."

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out "Chopsticks", the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock...

The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.”

A tachyon walks into a bar.

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised,...

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.

Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a ...

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A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide

The librarian says "Fuck off! You won't bring it back!"

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Tom retires from the Police after 30 years.

Sick of the stress, he buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge,...

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A guy falls in love with a girl called Wendy

Few months later, he decides to propose to her. To make it unforgettable, he gets her name tattooed on his penis, so when it's flaccid it reads WY and when he gets a hard on, it says Wendy. He shows it to her and she's so impressed with his commitment and all, says Yes and they get married.
...

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