I hope that when Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn't swim.

The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family enters a hotel for their holiday, the father goes up to the receptionist and says: "I hope the porn here is disabled.”

To which the receptionist replies: “It’s just regular porn, you sick man!”

Her: I hope we die on the same day

Him: Why do you hate me, grandma?

How did the man hope to measure his hopelessness?

He searched for the the sin of his angle of depression.

Hope she didn't break her hip

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

I hope I don’t get diarrhea on Sunday night

Otherwise I’ll be attending the Super Bowel

I hope Death is a woman

That way it will never come for me

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A new discovery in the medical field has now yielded nymphomanics new hope to combat their urges...

Studies shows that cryotherapy is a great way to chill the fuck out.

A man entered a newspaper pun competition. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of his puns would win...

Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did

I hope you're into BDSM

Cuz my humor is pure pun-ishment

To the person who stole my spices, I hope you’re happy...

Because you’re living on borrowed thyme.

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out.

I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

When I die, I hope its peacefully and in my sleep.

Although everyone else in the car will probably be screaming.

I was hoping 2019 would be a year where people stopped getting offended by everything, but boy was I wrong. All I said was "I hope you start off the new year on the right foot"

Damn amputees

I hope all girls get cancer

As their Zodiac Sign because that would make the perfect match for me

With Jesus now! 18+

Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.

They buried the chicken and that was tha...

I hope that the guy who invented auto correct

burns in hello.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hope it's not a repost(beware long)

A man is driving home from a night shift and gets stopped by the police.

Policeman:"hello sir I'm sorry but we have to check if you are drunk. Only problem is, that our tests are out so we have to do it old fashioned with questions I hope that's OK?"

Man:"sure just ask"

P:"so im...

15 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs.

Please God, don't let Kevin Bacon die.

If Croatia loses tomorrow, all of England will hope to beat their biggest rival on Sunday:

Liver damage

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I used to smoke pot and sneak into class 10 minutes late with a bullshit excuse, slink down in my desk and hope no one asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hope it's not a repost!!

A spine and bone specialist doctor was on duty. First patient came with a back pain.

Doctor:- What happened?

Patient:- I was on a business trip which got cancelled, so I returned 2 days earlier. When I reached home I heard sex noise from my flat. Till I opened the door and reached my ...

I hope your internet is kinky

Because it's about to get choked

(OC) I hope

What do you call a banned Russian streaming video service?



Nyet-flix

It may be cheesy but I feel like an original joke no matter how bad is still better than all the recycled ones.

I hope you like minigolf...

Because I'm gonna get 2 strokes in every hole.

I recently had a HIV scare from a needle stick at work. If I came up positive for HIV, I could no longer hope to find a “ride or die” chick...

I could only hope to find a “ride *and* die” chick.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hope that when I die it’s during sex

I want to go out with a bang

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hope Elon Musk doesn't say something scandalous after being butthurt because someone told him he can stick his sub where it hurts...

Because Elongate could be really long and drawn out.

My Father’s favorite joke. Hope you all like it.

This guy takes a taxi. After a while, they encounter a red light and the driver accelerates and passes on the red.

Guy: What are you doing? You’re gonna get us killed!
Taxi driver: It’s ok, it’s ok, my cousin does it all the time. No big deal.

Few moments later, they encounter anoth...

I feel bad for my mail man and hope he finds a boyfriend soon

He doesn't seem too picky or anything, he's just looking for any outgoing male.

I got caught cheating on my physics exam. Furious, my professor said to me "I hope you understand the gravity of the situation".

But if I had known that, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

I really hope this country doesn't slip into depression...

Because if it does Trump will make sure it is the *Greatest* depression it has ever seen.

I hope I never meet Frank

Every time someone tries to be Frank with me they tell me something I don’t want to hear. He must be pretty unpleasant.

I sure hope Roy Moore wins today

Alabama needs a congressman who isn't afraid to get his hands on the issues before they get too big.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was this Wal-Mart greeter ...and everyday he was cheerful, happily greeting customers with a "Welcome to Walmart; I hope your day is wonderful!" or an "Enjoy your shopping!"

One day a loud, boisterous, unkempt woman comes in with her two children, who are running around and causing havoc as she yells at them. The old man greets her in his usual cordial manner, and she snaps back a rude reply to him.

Smiling, the old man looks at the lady and says, "What wonderful...

Joke from my childhood: “I hope the rain keeps up...”

“...That way it won’t keep coming down!”

The Wi-Fi at my parents' house is really slow, so I hope this sends...

but I just wanted to wish you all a very merry Christmas for tomorrow!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How old am I? I need to feel your breast..

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ ...

There is still hope for for Hillary Clinton

Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hope I'm not reincarnated as a doorknob in my next life...

Their lives are nothing but twists and turns.

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

What is something a woman from Alabama hopes she’ll never have to change

her last name

My Hopes and Dreams are like unicorns.

I stopped believing in unicorns when I was a kid.

I'm using Internet Explorer so I hope this'll get posted quickly.

I hope you'll have a wonderful year of 2011!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hope when I'm older that my cause of death will be constipation.

That way people will know that I didn't give a shit all the way to the end.

Overused joke. Hope you like it anyways.

Person 1: Do you know how to use Outlook?

Person 2: As a matter of fact, I Excel at it.

Person 1: Was that a Microsoft Office pun?

Person 2: Word.

I sure hope Pennywise isn't lactose intolerant...

He seems to eat a lot of Derry

I hope I never go to jail.

I haven’t memorised a phone number since 1999.

As a purple faced man, one day I hope to meet a purple faced women...

They tell me I shouldn't hold my breath

I hope Rand Paul doesn't pick Scott Walker as his VP

I have a feeling Paul/Walker would crash and burn.

This weather forecast extinguished my hope for a good day. They predicted 20% showers...

and 80% bathtubs.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hope I leave this world the same way I came into it...

Wrecking an 18-year-old's pussy.

Kevin Spacey is undergoing conversion therapy and hope to eventually have a normal marriage.

He says, "I want to have kids."

I have been buying a lot of alcohol lately... I hope i am not becoming a

Shopaholic.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hope my new landlord isn't gay

I hear they're always uptight assholes

My first joke on reddit. Hope it hasn't been told too often

A bank robber wanted to keep his identity secret, but didn't wear a balaclava. he told all in the bank not to look at him or he would shoot them.
one foolhardy customer sneaked a look, and the robber promtply shot him.
the robber asked if anyone else had seen his face.
one customer, gazing ...

I hope Joe Biden will run for president in 2020

Because when he announces it he's able to say that he's been Biden his time.....

I'm sorry

I hope aliens don't land in the USA and say "take me to your leader"

How embarrassing would that be

Ole Blue

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.

Half way through the semester, having foolishly
squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in University that will teach our...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hope there aren't any sexual misconduct allegations from SpaceX...

I don't think America could handle being Elon-gated

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hope NK doesn't name their bombs after their leader...

We've already seen what one Fat Man can do to Japan.

So I came home from work, and my roommate had cooked dinner for us. She made whale blubber. She was like "I hope you like whale blubber!" I told her "Well I mean that just sounds terrible!"

She said "You never know, you might be Inuit."

Credit to my roommate for this one

As I was leaving with my bags, my wife said, "I hope you have a slow and miserable death"...

I said, "So you want me to stay now?".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I sure hope 'up' is on birth control...

...because I’ve been fucking it quite a bit lately

My girlfriend is turning 32 years old...I've told her not to get her hopes up.

After all..we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."

"thirty-second birthday."

I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.

Hope it’s not terminal.

The bengals went into the steelers game this week with high hopes for the postseason..

Now they're far from Burfect.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hou...

I once opened a pub in hopes of serving people alcohol. But no one could see over the counter.

I guess I set the bar too high.

Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?

Because they stick.

I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the...

A couple had their first daughter and were deciding on a name.

The man decides he wants to call her Hope. The woman says “I like Love, let’s call her that!” They come to the resolution to name her Love, since that’s what the wife wanted so badly. Times goes by and baby Love is born a happy baby. Love continued to be a happy baby all through elementary school. H...

I hope you don't get your period on Valentine's Day.

It's going to be a pain in the ass.

I really hope there are no Golden Globe winners

working in the Flat Earth Society.

I hope y'all have a beautiful morning

wood

A devout Catholic man has just boarded a plane, and he's really dreading the long flight ahead. All of a sudden, the pope boards and takes a seat right next to him! What an honor!

The man sits there, thinking about how best to conduct himself and what to say, when the pope takes out a golf pencil and starts doing a crossword puzzle. Wow, His Holiness does crossword puzzles? the man thinks. I hope he asks me for help. That'll be my in for a wonderful conversation!

Sure ...

Now that Donald Trump will be President, I really hope he builds the wall.

We need to keep all those crazy Americans contained.

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.'

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

I hope England beats Iceland...

Or they will be out of Europe twice this week!

Bill Clinton: "I sure hope Hillary gets better interns than I did..."

"All of mine sucked"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Newlywed Couple Waited for Marriage to Have Sex...

A couple wanted to wait to have sex until the night of their wedding. As the big day got closer the bride tells the groom she has a confession to make.

"I am as flat as a board. I'm sorry, I have been using the best padded bras on the market to make people believe I actually have breasts. I ...

2 men are stranded in the desert, dying of thirst.

As they walk with all hope lost, one of them spots a well in the middle of the desert.

'Look, a well!' - said the first man

'There is no way that well has water... ' - replied the second man

'We should check if it has water. Look, let's drop that rock into the well to check whet...

A boy talks to his mother about what he hopes to become.

The boy said, "Mom? I have something to tell you"

"Go ahead", the mother said. "I promise not to laugh."

*The boy wanted to be a comedian.*

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

A German was packing his luggage for holiday when his wife interrupts him...

"I hope you're not going to bring sausages again", she said, "They exploded everywhere last time and caused a frightful scene!"

"It'll be fine", He said, "Stop worrying about the wurst case scenario".

I translated a German joke and hope it's still funny

A man is treated by a psychiatrist because he thinks that he is a mouse. After some weeks of psychiatric counseling he is finally healed and has learned, that he isn't a mouse.

As the man in walks out of the psychiatrists office he sees a cat on the street and runs back to the psychiatrist an...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

We used to have Charlie Pride, Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs & Stevie Wonder

Now we have no Pride, no Hope, no Cash, no Jobs & it's no fucking Wonder

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A circus train derailed catastrophically (I hope this isn't a repost)...

...and many lives were lost, both animal and human. One clown who was on the train had his penis severed from his body, but luckily the surgeons were able to replace it with the trunk of a dead elephant.

Once fully recovered, the man went on a date. Everything was going smoothly until th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered m...

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears..

People just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

I hope I don't go to prison after what I did today.

When I was in the shower I dropped the soap like ten times.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A racist man walks into a bar...

He sees a black man sitting casually at the side, and is disgusted by the sight of him.

He then waves to the bartender and says, "I'd like to order a beer for everyone here except the black guy."

As everyone else is treated to a beer, he looks back at the black man in hopes of getting ...

I was at the mall with my friend looking for a 'Learn to speak Spanish' book. [apologies in advance for what I hope is OC]

My friend speaks Spanish fluently and he is great with numbers so we were looking for cheap books when we came to the table that advertised, 5 books for the price of 3. I found the books we needed on another table and surprised when I saw the same offer.

"Oh Look, 5 for 3 too Juan."

[...

I really hope someone brings their cat to Mars only to get it get run over

So we can finally say Curiosity killed the cat.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hope when I die and go up to be judged they give me some stats.

St. Peter looking solemn says, "Stephen, did you know that 33% of your vernacular is dedicated to swearing? And a staggering 33% more is solely focused on blasphemy?! I'm sorry Stephen, but I must sentence you to an eternity in damnation."

"Well... fuck! Goddamnit!"

Christmas joke (NSFW)

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying ...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, ...

I'm going to post a joke I hope it dosen't get

[deleted]

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day I hope to watch a cable show that says "Brought to you by..

The bill you pay every fucking month."