I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out.

I hope that when Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn't swim.

The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.

I hope Death is a woman.

That way it will never come for me.

I hope this starts your day with a good giggle...

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.
As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen f...

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal because...

Everyone who searches for actual news on Elongate will only get 50 pages of a reposted joke from Reddit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Mormon family is checking into a hotel. The father says, “I hope the porn in this room is disabled.”

“No it’s just regular, you weirdo.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kid visiting his grandparents (I hope this isn’t a repost, I’m sorry if it is)

A kid was visiting his grandparents and he saw his grandpa smoking a pipe. The kids asks “Grandpa can I smoke your pipe?” The grandpa replies “Can your dick reach your asshole?” The kid says “No”. The grandpa says “then you’re not old enough”. A little later the grandpa is drinking some whiskey and...

Her: I hope we die on the same day

Him: Why do you hate me, grandma?

I hope I don’t get diarrhea on Sunday night

Otherwise I’ll be attending the Super Bowel

How did the man hope to measure his hopelessness?

He searched for the the sin of his angle of depression.

I was hoping 2019 would be a year where people stopped getting offended by everything, but boy was I wrong. All I said was "I hope you start off the new year on the right foot"

Damn amputees

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hope I never apply for a job that drug tests.

Cuz I don't know shit about drugs.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hope I never get this old.

An old man is sitting on a park bench sobbing when a young man approaches and asks "what's troubling you old timer?"

The old man says " I've got a beautiful wife at home, she's half my age & we have sex all the time."

The young man says "that sounds great! What's the problem with t...

I hope I see some moose in Canada

My hair is a mess.

I hope Ceasar was epileptic

Then his people could say"Ceasar's having a Ceasar"

I was almost beaten up to death when I told a guy 'Hope you get a positive result'

I am never going to the HIV test lab again.

I hope all girls get cancer

As their Zodiac Sign because that would make the perfect match for me

I hope you're into BDSM

Cuz my humor is pure pun-ishment

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A new discovery in the medical field has now yielded nymphomanics new hope to combat their urges...

Studies shows that cryotherapy is a great way to chill the fuck out.

To the person who stole my spices, I hope you’re happy...

Because you’re living on borrowed thyme.

With Jesus now! 18+

Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.

They buried the chicken and that was tha...

I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Buddy’s wife is in coma and doctor wants to try just one more thing before giving up hope...

Doctor calls Buddy and explains that it has been 3 months that wife has been in coma and they’ve tried every conventionally excepted medical procedures in effort to revive her. He asks Buddy to come down to hospital to try an “unconventional - non-medical” procedure. Buddy arrives and the doctor sug...

When I die, I hope its peacefully and in my sleep.

Although everyone else in the car will probably be screaming.

Hope she didn't break her hip

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

I hope you like minigolf...

Because I'm gonna get 2 strokes in every hole.

I hope that the guy who invented auto correct

burns in hello.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I used to smoke pot and sneak into class 10 minutes late with a bullshit excuse, slink down in my desk and hope no one asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

If Croatia loses tomorrow, all of England will hope to beat their biggest rival on Sunday:

Liver damage

I hope your internet is kinky

Because it's about to get choked

15 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs.

Please God, don't let Kevin Bacon die.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hope it's not a repost!!

A spine and bone specialist doctor was on duty. First patient came with a back pain.

Doctor:- What happened?

Patient:- I was on a business trip which got cancelled, so I returned 2 days earlier. When I reached home I heard sex noise from my flat. Till I opened the door and reached my ...

(OC) I hope

What do you call a banned Russian streaming video service?



Nyet-flix

It may be cheesy but I feel like an original joke no matter how bad is still better than all the recycled ones.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hope that when I die it’s during sex

I want to go out with a bang

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hope it's not a repost(beware long)

A man is driving home from a night shift and gets stopped by the police.

Policeman:"hello sir I'm sorry but we have to check if you are drunk. Only problem is, that our tests are out so we have to do it old fashioned with questions I hope that's OK?"

Man:"sure just ask"

P:"so im...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was this Wal-Mart greeter ...and everyday he was cheerful, happily greeting customers with a "Welcome to Walmart; I hope your day is wonderful!" or an "Enjoy your shopping!"

One day a loud, boisterous, unkempt woman comes in with her two children, who are running around and causing havoc as she yells at them. The old man greets her in his usual cordial manner, and she snaps back a rude reply to him.

Smiling, the old man looks at the lady and says, "What wonderful...

My Father’s favorite joke. Hope you all like it.

This guy takes a taxi. After a while, they encounter a red light and the driver accelerates and passes on the red.

Guy: What are you doing? You’re gonna get us killed!
Taxi driver: It’s ok, it’s ok, my cousin does it all the time. No big deal.

Few moments later, they encounter anoth...

I got caught cheating on my physics exam. Furious, my professor said to me "I hope you understand the gravity of the situation".

But if I had known that, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

I feel bad for my mail man and hope he finds a boyfriend soon

He doesn't seem too picky or anything, he's just looking for any outgoing male.

I really hope this country doesn't slip into depression...

Because if it does Trump will make sure it is the *Greatest* depression it has ever seen.

I hope I never meet Frank

Every time someone tries to be Frank with me they tell me something I don’t want to hear. He must be pretty unpleasant.

I sure hope Roy Moore wins today

Alabama needs a congressman who isn't afraid to get his hands on the issues before they get too big.

Did you hear about the man who sent his friends ten puns in the hope that even one would make them laugh?

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Joke from my childhood: “I hope the rain keeps up...”

“...That way it won’t keep coming down!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hope Elon Musk doesn't say something scandalous after being butthurt because someone told him he can stick his sub where it hurts...

Because Elongate could be really long and drawn out.

There is still hope for for Hillary Clinton

Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison.

The Wi-Fi at my parents' house is really slow, so I hope this sends...

but I just wanted to wish you all a very merry Christmas for tomorrow!

I hope I pass away like my grandpa. Peacefully in his sleep.

Not wide awake like his passengers.

Edited because I suck.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hope when I'm older that my cause of death will be constipation.

That way people will know that I didn't give a shit all the way to the end.

(I hope this doesn’t break sub rules) What do Marcus Smart and Valve have in common?

Neither of them can make a three.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hope I'm not reincarnated as a doorknob in my next life...

Their lives are nothing but twists and turns.

What is something a woman from Alabama hopes she’ll never have to change

her last name

I'm using Internet Explorer so I hope this'll get posted quickly.

I hope you'll have a wonderful year of 2011!

My Hopes and Dreams are like unicorns.

I stopped believing in unicorns when I was a kid.

Overused joke. Hope you like it anyways.

Person 1: Do you know how to use Outlook?

Person 2: As a matter of fact, I Excel at it.

Person 1: Was that a Microsoft Office pun?

Person 2: Word.

I sure hope Pennywise isn't lactose intolerant...

He seems to eat a lot of Derry

I hope I never go to jail.

I haven’t memorised a phone number since 1999.

My first joke on reddit. Hope it hasn't been told too often

A bank robber wanted to keep his identity secret, but didn't wear a balaclava. he told all in the bank not to look at him or he would shoot them.
one foolhardy customer sneaked a look, and the robber promtply shot him.
the robber asked if anyone else had seen his face.
one customer, gazing ...

As a purple faced man, one day I hope to meet a purple faced women...

They tell me I shouldn't hold my breath

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hope I leave this world the same way I came into it...

Wrecking an 18-year-old's pussy.

I hope Joe Biden will run for president in 2020

Because when he announces it he's able to say that he's been Biden his time.....

I'm sorry

I have been buying a lot of alcohol lately... I hope i am not becoming a

Shopaholic.

My girlfriend is turning 32 years old...I've told her not to get her hopes up.

After all..we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."

"thirty-second birthday."

I hope Rand Paul doesn't pick Scott Walker as his VP

I have a feeling Paul/Walker would crash and burn.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How old am I? I need to feel your breast..

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ ...

I hope aliens don't land in the USA and say "take me to your leader"

How embarrassing would that be

This weather forecast extinguished my hope for a good day. They predicted 20% showers...

and 80% bathtubs.

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hope my new landlord isn't gay

I hear they're always uptight assholes

I hope Elon Musk sent the Tesla to space with some change.

He’ll need some way to pay the parking meteor.

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hope NK doesn't name their bombs after their leader...

We've already seen what one Fat Man can do to Japan.

As I was leaving with my bags, my wife said, "I hope you have a slow and miserable death"...

I said, "So you want me to stay now?".

Kevin Spacey is undergoing conversion therapy and hope to eventually have a normal marriage.

He says, "I want to have kids."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hope there aren't any sexual misconduct allegations from SpaceX...

I don't think America could handle being Elon-gated

So I came home from work, and my roommate had cooked dinner for us. She made whale blubber. She was like "I hope you like whale blubber!" I told her "Well I mean that just sounds terrible!"

She said "You never know, you might be Inuit."

Credit to my roommate for this one

I hope y'all have a beautiful morning

wood

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I sure hope 'up' is on birth control...

...because I’ve been fucking it quite a bit lately

The bengals went into the steelers game this week with high hopes for the postseason..

Now they're far from Burfect.

I once opened a pub in hopes of serving people alcohol. But no one could see over the counter.

I guess I set the bar too high.

I hope you don't get your period on Valentine's Day.

It's going to be a pain in the ass.

Now that Donald Trump will be President, I really hope he builds the wall.

We need to keep all those crazy Americans contained.

I hope England beats Iceland...

Or they will be out of Europe twice this week!

I really hope there are no Golden Globe winners

working in the Flat Earth Society.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A circus train derailed catastrophically (I hope this isn't a repost)...

...and many lives were lost, both animal and human. One clown who was on the train had his penis severed from his body, but luckily the surgeons were able to replace it with the trunk of a dead elephant.

Once fully recovered, the man went on a date. Everything was going smoothly until th...

Bill Clinton: "I sure hope Hillary gets better interns than I did..."

"All of mine sucked"

A boy talks to his mother about what he hopes to become.

The boy said, "Mom? I have something to tell you"

"Go ahead", the mother said. "I promise not to laugh."

*The boy wanted to be a comedian.*

Hope it's not too soon... :l

I just saw Louis CK riding the L train downtown with no pants on and he invited me to get some lunch meat with him from Rubway.

I translated a German joke and hope it's still funny

A man is treated by a psychiatrist because he thinks that he is a mouse. After some weeks of psychiatric counseling he is finally healed and has learned, that he isn't a mouse.

As the man in walks out of the psychiatrists office he sees a cat on the street and runs back to the psychiatrist an...

Ole Blue

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.

Half way through the semester, having foolishly
squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in University that will teach our...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of the...

I was at the mall with my friend looking for a 'Learn to speak Spanish' book. [apologies in advance for what I hope is OC]

My friend speaks Spanish fluently and he is great with numbers so we were looking for cheap books when we came to the table that advertised, 5 books for the price of 3. I found the books we needed on another table and surprised when I saw the same offer.

"Oh Look, 5 for 3 too Juan."

[...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

We used to have Charlie Pride, Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs & Stevie Wonder

Now we have no Pride, no Hope, no Cash, no Jobs & it's no fucking Wonder

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill... (an original joke)

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill, in a guerilla act of revenge for all of the family they'd lost over the years. They snuck up one night, and in their masses, surrounded the sleeping calf, and swam away, carrying him miles away from his father. ...

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Black people usually name their kids after stuff they can't afford.

Like Mercedes, Diamond, Hope, or Insurance.

I hope I don't go to prison after what I did today.

When I was in the shower I dropped the soap like ten times.

I really hope someone brings their cat to Mars only to get it get run over

So we can finally say Curiosity killed the cat.