This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My first joke on this sub, hope you like it. I call it: Soldier's needs.

Soldiers serving time on a mission in the outskirts of a town close to some villages and right on the brink of a desert.

One day a new **commanding officer (CO later)** arrives tellin the soldiers he is gonna take over command of their squad. When he walks through their camp he notices they ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This is classic Czech joke, I hope I transladed it well for you to understand the point.

Plane crashes on the island inhabitated only by cannibals. Only survivors are Czech, Russian, and American guy. The leader of cannibals tells them ,, everyone of us will bring us some fruit from the forest, or we will eat you”. American return with bag of apples, cannibals say ,, we will shove this ...

I hope Death is a woman.

That way it will never come for me.

Donald Trump had a close adviser named Hope Hicks. Which makes sense -- her name suggests his campaign strategy:

Say racist things and hope hicks will vote for you.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Waht is wrong with me brain (hope no one's done this)

Think about this... If 2 people having sex is called a twosome, and 3 people having sex is a threesome, I guess that would mean that your very *handsome...*

I made up the joke so I hope it’s original!

I asked the local clown, in front of my wife,if he’s been sleeping with all the women on my street.
He pointed at her and said “Jester”
Didn’t know my wife was a clown too.

Dads are like boomerangs... I hope

I forgot where I saw this, I remembered it just now and laughed aloud

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal because...

Everyone who searches for actual news on Elongate will only get 50 pages of a reposted joke from Reddit.

The little rascals. Hope this hasn't been told yet.e

This is one of the first "long" jokes I learned as a kid.




So Spanky, Alfalfa, and Buckwheat are in the 1st grade together. The teacher tells the class " Today students we will pick a word and use it in a sentence. You may pick any word but don't pick a word that someone has alread...

Not very good, but I haven’t forgotten it in a few years. Hope you like it.

Three strings walked into a bar. When they sat down, the bartender said “I’m sorry. We don’t serve strings here.” Disappointed, the strings left.

Not long after, the strings wanted to all go back to the bar. One of them had the idea of undoing the tip of his hair. They all did the same.
...

I hope that when Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn't swim.

The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family checks into a hotel at the check-in desk the dad turns to his wife and says "i hope the porn is disabled"

To which the check-in clerk replies "I'm afraid it's just normal porn u sick fuck"

I hope my girlfriend likes this new, quirky method that I've devised to pleasure her.

Fingers crossed.

I hope this starts your day with a good giggle...

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.
As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen f...

In a speech two days ago, Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she plans to delay Brexit, in the hopes that the UK leaves with her deal on 22 May

May wants to leave at the end of May.

I hope I see some moose in Canada

My hair is a mess.

The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"

said Anatoly, aged 6.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kid visiting his grandparents (I hope this isn’t a repost, I’m sorry if it is)

A kid was visiting his grandparents and he saw his grandpa smoking a pipe. The kids asks “Grandpa can I smoke your pipe?” The grandpa replies “Can your dick reach your asshole?” The kid says “No”. The grandpa says “then you’re not old enough”. A little later the grandpa is drinking some whiskey and...

I was hoping 2019 would be a year where people stopped getting offended by everything, but boy was I wrong. All I said was "I hope you start off the new year on the right foot"

Damn amputees

I hope I don’t get diarrhea on Sunday night

Otherwise I’ll be attending the Super Bowel

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A joke about blackboards, and yes it is a ‘chalk’ pun, so don’t get your hopes up

Two guys, Will and Arnie, are warehouse workers for a company that sells blackboards. Every morning on the shipping dock, their job is to take the blackboards from inventory and load them into the delivery trucks. Now, the thing is, the company has started to ramp up production, and they’ve been fil...

How did the man hope to measure his hopelessness?

He searched for the the sin of his angle of depression.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hope I never apply for a job that drug tests.

Cuz I don't know shit about drugs.

Hope she didn't break her hip

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hope I never get this old.

An old man is sitting on a park bench sobbing when a young man approaches and asks "what's troubling you old timer?"

The old man says " I've got a beautiful wife at home, she's half my age & we have sex all the time."

The young man says "that sounds great! What's the problem with t...

I was almost beaten up to death when I told a guy 'Hope you get a positive result'

I am never going to the HIV test lab again.

I hope you're into BDSM

Cuz my humor is pure pun-ishment

I hope all girls get cancer

As their Zodiac Sign because that would make the perfect match for me

I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

With Jesus now! 18+

Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.

They buried the chicken and that was tha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A new discovery in the medical field has now yielded nymphomanics new hope to combat their urges...

Studies shows that cryotherapy is a great way to chill the fuck out.

When I die, I hope its peacefully and in my sleep.

Although everyone else in the car will probably be screaming.

I hope you like minigolf...

Because I'm gonna get 2 strokes in every hole.

I hope that the guy who invented auto correct

burns in hello.

I hope your internet is kinky

Because it's about to get choked

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hope it's not a repost(beware long)

A man is driving home from a night shift and gets stopped by the police.

Policeman:"hello sir I'm sorry but we have to check if you are drunk. Only problem is, that our tests are out so we have to do it old fashioned with questions I hope that's OK?"

Man:"sure just ask"

P:"so im...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I used to smoke pot and sneak into class 10 minutes late with a bullshit excuse, slink down in my desk and hope no one asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

When I die, I hope I go quietly in my sleep like my grandfather did...

...and not screaming and crying like the passengers on his bus.

To the person who stole my spices, I hope you’re happy...

Because you’re living on borrowed thyme.

If Croatia loses tomorrow, all of England will hope to beat their biggest rival on Sunday:

Liver damage

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lying on his deathbed is a Russian Communist

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Communist t...

15 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs.

Please God, don't let Kevin Bacon die.

I got caught cheating on my physics exam. Furious, my professor said to me "I hope you understand the gravity of the situation".

But if I had known that, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hope it's not a repost!!

A spine and bone specialist doctor was on duty. First patient came with a back pain.

Doctor:- What happened?

Patient:- I was on a business trip which got cancelled, so I returned 2 days earlier. When I reached home I heard sex noise from my flat. Till I opened the door and reached my ...

(OC) I hope

What do you call a banned Russian streaming video service?



Nyet-flix

It may be cheesy but I feel like an original joke no matter how bad is still better than all the recycled ones.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was this Wal-Mart greeter ...and everyday he was cheerful, happily greeting customers with a "Welcome to Walmart; I hope your day is wonderful!" or an "Enjoy your shopping!"

One day a loud, boisterous, unkempt woman comes in with her two children, who are running around and causing havoc as she yells at them. The old man greets her in his usual cordial manner, and she snaps back a rude reply to him.

Smiling, the old man looks at the lady and says, "What wonderful...

I feel bad for my mail man and hope he finds a boyfriend soon

He doesn't seem too picky or anything, he's just looking for any outgoing male.

My Father’s favorite joke. Hope you all like it.

This guy takes a taxi. After a while, they encounter a red light and the driver accelerates and passes on the red.

Guy: What are you doing? You’re gonna get us killed!
Taxi driver: It’s ok, it’s ok, my cousin does it all the time. No big deal.

Few moments later, they encounter anoth...

I hope I never meet Frank

Every time someone tries to be Frank with me they tell me something I don’t want to hear. He must be pretty unpleasant.

I really hope this country doesn't slip into depression...

Because if it does Trump will make sure it is the *Greatest* depression it has ever seen.

I sure hope Roy Moore wins today

Alabama needs a congressman who isn't afraid to get his hands on the issues before they get too big.

There is still hope for for Hillary Clinton

Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison.

Did you hear about the man who sent his friends ten puns in the hope that even one would make them laugh?

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Joke from my childhood: “I hope the rain keeps up...”

“...That way it won’t keep coming down!”

The Wi-Fi at my parents' house is really slow, so I hope this sends...

but I just wanted to wish you all a very merry Christmas for tomorrow!

A man stumbles upon a lamp on the beach, rubs it, and a genie comes out.

"I shall grant you three wishes- but keep in mind that anything you wish for, your mother-in-law will get the same, two-fold."

The man thinks. "OK. For my first wish, I'd like to have a villa with an ocean view."

The genie says "OK, but your mother-in-law will have two."

"That's...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hope Elon Musk doesn't say something scandalous after being butthurt because someone told him he can stick his sub where it hurts...

Because Elongate could be really long and drawn out.

Best knock knock joke ever..

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and...

I hope Rand Paul doesn't pick Scott Walker as his VP

I have a feeling Paul/Walker would crash and burn.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hope when I'm older that my cause of death will be constipation.

That way people will know that I didn't give a shit all the way to the end.

My first joke on reddit. Hope it hasn't been told too often

A bank robber wanted to keep his identity secret, but didn't wear a balaclava. he told all in the bank not to look at him or he would shoot them.
one foolhardy customer sneaked a look, and the robber promtply shot him.
the robber asked if anyone else had seen his face.
one customer, gazing ...

My dad suffers from short term memory loss...

I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.

I'm using Internet Explorer so I hope this'll get posted quickly.

I hope you'll have a wonderful year of 2011!

I sure hope Pennywise isn't lactose intolerant...

He seems to eat a lot of Derry

My Hopes and Dreams are like unicorns.

I stopped believing in unicorns when I was a kid.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last
time he had made love to a woman. The general
replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief
said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let
me make your night better." The woman and
general went back to her apartment and made
passionate lov...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hope I'm not reincarnated as a doorknob in my next life...

Their lives are nothing but twists and turns.

What is something a woman from Alabama hopes she’ll never have to change

her last name

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hope I leave this world the same way I came into it...

Wrecking an 18-year-old's pussy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They say there is a 50/50 chance to have a female on the opposite side of the gloryhole

Right now I really hope that is a woman's penis

I hope Joe Biden will run for president in 2020

Because when he announces it he's able to say that he's been Biden his time.....

I'm sorry

My girlfriend is turning 32 years old...I've told her not to get her hopes up.

After all..we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."

"thirty-second birthday."

I hope aliens don't land in the USA and say "take me to your leader"

How embarrassing would that be

I have been buying a lot of alcohol lately... I hope i am not becoming a

Shopaholic.

I hope I never go to jail.

I haven’t memorised a phone number since 1999.

This weather forecast extinguished my hope for a good day. They predicted 20% showers...

and 80% bathtubs.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They say one in every four men is gay

, so there must be one in my group of friends.

I hope it’s Michael – he’s super cute.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hitler is on a limousine on his way to the Reichstag

His chauffeur is driving his volkswagen across a rural street.

At the first farm they come across, they drive over a chicken.

Hitler goes to apologize to the farmer people and comes back with a black eye.

They drive on and Hitler is pretty unhappy about this.

The next far...

Kevin Spacey is undergoing conversion therapy and hope to eventually have a normal marriage.

He says, "I want to have kids."

As I was leaving with my bags, my wife said, "I hope you have a slow and miserable death"...

I said, "So you want me to stay now?".

The Haircut

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.
He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a ...

As a purple faced man, one day I hope to meet a purple faced women...

They tell me I shouldn't hold my breath

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hope NK doesn't name their bombs after their leader...

We've already seen what one Fat Man can do to Japan.

Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charges dropped...

I hope he isnt beating himself up over this

I hope y'all have a beautiful morning

wood

So I came home from work, and my roommate had cooked dinner for us. She made whale blubber. She was like "I hope you like whale blubber!" I told her "Well I mean that just sounds terrible!"

She said "You never know, you might be Inuit."

Credit to my roommate for this one

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hope there aren't any sexual misconduct allegations from SpaceX...

I don't think America could handle being Elon-gated

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

4 guys are hanging out together. Larry gets up and says “hey did you know 1 in 4 guys are gay”

John gets up and says, “I hope it’s chuck, he’s really cute”

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click herefor more information.