The world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make is walking down the street.

He passes a record store that's advertising a sale. The sign says "45 RPM Vinyl First Editions, European Wasps and The Sounds They Make." Naturally, he's intrigued. So he stops on in and says to the record man, "excuse me, but I am the worlds leading expert on European Wasps and the sounds they make...

My brother is a Karate expert, a Chef and a Lawyer.

When he's not around, Dad now calls him "Chop Suey."

I'm no expert on covid-19 but I do know the cure

They are an amazing band from the 80s.

Have you heard of the expert cartographer?

His skills are pretty legendary.

I am an expert on the Dunning-Krueger effect.

It’s the effect that states that anything that can go wrong will

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.



He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
...

Once, in the forest, a sapling grew between two trees...

One tree was a birch tree, and proudly said, "That sapling is a son of a birch!"

The other tree was a beech tree, and proudly said, "No, that sapling is a son of a beech!"

The two trees argued day in and day out, but couldn't settle the matter. Finally, they decided to ask the true exp...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The cops arrested me cause I'm an expert at baiting and catching fish.

They said I'm a serial masturbater, same thing.

What are the Vatican’s expert hackers called?

A-nun-ymous

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Medical experts were asked if it is time to lift the COVID-19 lockdown restrictions.

There were mixed responses.

Allergists were in favor of scratching it altogether, but dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling it was a bad idea, and neurologists claimed the government had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians felt certai...

Did you hear about the michael jackson impersonator who expertly robbed a bank?

He was a smooth criminal

Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak

28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands

OC joke: How to differentiate if a person is a genetics expert or a BDSM enthusiast?

Ask them the opposite of 'dominant'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

China’s lack of transparency on virus is fuelling rumors: US experts

It’s basically all this he said Xi said bullshit.

My 6yo daughter said: Daddy I'm an expert sleeper...

I can do it with my eyes closed..

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

.... The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She ...

Why does Bill Gates make for a terrible medical expert?

Because he can't get rid of viruses in Microsoft either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If the suffix -ist means expert of something

Then damn I must be a sadist

What do you call a Coronavirus expert?

A coroner.

The world's greatest tongue-twister expert just got arrested.

I bet they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.

Just because you sleep with someone named Stormy doesn't make you an expert on the weather...

Mr. President.

Don't worry, there are experts who are trained to deal with the coronavirus.

We call them coroners.

Every Medical Expert : Gloves and masks would be enough to go anywhere such as Supermarket.

Liars!! Everyone else had their clothes on!

A new study revealed that fencing experts are very popular on social media

It turns out the secret to success is just mastering the repostie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A widow, Claire, was looking to move away from the city, and looked for a small town to live her final years in.

She drove a few hours out into the countryside to find a good place to move into. Eventually she came by Barkstown, and this peculiar name piqued her curiosity.

She drove in and was amazed by the amount of dogs there were in this town, but she was getting hungry from not eating all day.
...

Once a guy asked me a grammar question

He said,"In the sentence , " The mother beat her daughter after she was drunk",who was drunk? You boast a lot about your grammar, prove me you're an expert at it"
I said, giving him a deathly stare in his eye," SHE "

The thief was an expert, left no fingerprints behind.

It was a stainless steal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you're just starting out in porn, observe the way the experts use the heads of their penises.

That's a pro tip.

A friend got his name legally changed from Pert.

I guess he's an expert now.

My work has just hired an Australian IT expert

He comes from a LAN down under

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827."

Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the prev...

I want to become an expert in BDSM

But I’m still working out all the kinks

Fitness experts recommend walking 10,000 steps per day to remain healthy.

That is an awful lot of trips to the fridge.

A Halloween story A Hospital in Alabama got a lot of doctors and medical experts baffled over a string of deaths in an ICU at an exact time and same bed

Doctor 1: It's always 10am i tell you! Then it's Flatline!

Doctor 2: I have 3 patients that has a very good chance to live but also died on that same bed and at the same time.

Doctor 3: Mine too.

Doctor 4: I have a patient in there now and its almost 10am. Shall i get him away f...

A neurobiologist, neuropsyiologist, and a shark expert walk into a bar.

The rest of the movie is a joke.

Hey Guys! I just watched a 5 minute video on the Dunning-Kreugar Effect.

So, I’m pretty much an expert now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.


Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The cu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Boy came home from Sunday School

His mother asked what he learned that day, the boy replied.

'They were teaching us about Moses. Moses had to take the Jews across the Red Sea, so he ordered his military engineers to build a bridge so they can cross the Red Sea, but the Egyptians came chasing after them , so moses ordered his...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a youth who lived in Russia.

He was orphaned at the young age of 5. He only had one mother, Mother Russia. With no one to take care of him, he was left to fend for himself. He was poor and worked in the coal mines, to earn a mediocre salary to last him a day or two.

One day after a hard day at work, he walked down a si...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Experts believe that having too much sex can cause double vision

Does Does
anyone anyone
believe believe
that that
crap? crap?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A huge soccer fan arrived at the Vatican

There, he saw the pope. He approached His Holiness and said: 'Mr. Popeman, there is one thing I have always wondered: do they have soccer in heaven?'

'Good question', says the Pope, 'Let me get back to you on that. Meet me here in a week.'

A week later, the Pope and the man meet each o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at a party last night and got talking to a leading expert in the use of drugs in Sport.

He told me about a female Bulgarian athlete who had used so much steroids in the 70’s that she started to grow the beginnings of a penis.

“Anabolics?” I asked. “No” he said, “Just a penis”.

A Machine Learning Expert at an interview

Interviewer: "What can you say is your biggest strength?"

ML Expert: "I'm an expert in machine learning."

Int.: What's 6 + 10?

ML E.: Zero.

Int.: That's not even close! it's 16!

ML E.: Okay, it's 16.

Int.: What's 10 + 20?

ML E.: It's 16.

I’m an expert on the Dunning-Kruger effect

I’m also an expert at computers, music, math, biology, and chemistry.

A wasp expert walks into a record shop

He goes to the owner and asks if they have the new edition of wasp sounds 2019.
The record shop owner says that they have it in stock and asks if the wasp expert would like to listen too it before he buys.

The wasp expert agrees and the record is placed on the record player.
The pin goe...

A guy stuck in the Coronavirus pandemic prays to God for help (not a repost)

He is on his knees begging God for protection from the pandemic. Suddenly, he is distracted by his television. It is the W.H.O. telling people to socially distance and wear a mask in public. He switches it off, because it is distracting him and resumes praying.

The next day, still scared he p...

Eight out of ten experts agree that...

... the other two are idiots who should not be called experts

The Dog Fight

The Israeli Dog vs. The Arab Dog

  
The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fi...

Windows can be fun!

**Client:** How good are you guys at PowerPoint?

**IT Expert:** We Excel at it...

**Client:** Was that a Microsoft Office pun?

**IT Expert:** Word.

Why did the communist kill all of the civilians in the town square, regardless of their social class?

Because he was an expert Marxman.

I'm an expert in not finishing anything

I have a black belt in partial arts.

IT security experts have published a list of the 20 most secure passwords.

Reportedly, the first companies are already enforcing their use.

Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment.

They are already experts at recycling.

Me: I'm an expert at identifying birds

Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: Yup, they're all birds

A Midwesterner's Favorite Drug

I'm no expert, but I'm confident that midwesterners' favorite drug is OPEium.

An animal prosthetics expert walks into a bar

"What's wrong buddy?" The bartender asked. "You seem down."

"Two whiskies, please. I made a lot of Faux Paws at work today."

I’m an expert in idioms

I know them like the front of my hand

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A local expert from the food industry goes on a knowledge exchange trip to Japan

He is visiting a fully automated factory for salami. There is a japanese personnel from the factory that leads the tour and shows how from one end they put a pig and from the other end of the factory a salami comes out. The local guy tries to be smart asking:

\- And is it possible the other w...

At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen.

I sighed as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I'd seen.

Crossword expert dies

He was buried 6 down, 3 across.

One day TV is broadcasting about a gun shot in campus and the experts analyze that it is linked to the murder's massive time in playing violence video game.

Mum: No sense, my son is always playing dating sims and he still unable to find a girlfriend.

What’s the difference between an expert marksman and an owl with diarrhea?

One hits whenever he shoots.

How often do experts say you should listen to Bob Marley?

Reggae-larly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Experts say men think about sex every 7 seconds

I try to eat hot dogs in 6 seconds so things don't get weird...

My girlfriend is a social media expert.

She sent me a long message last month on why Twitter and Instagram are hands down the best Social Media apps.

But I only reddit now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three kingdoms border a lake in the shape of an obtuse triangle

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this storytelling and legal battling came to no conclusion,...

Went to a new optometrist today, but he was way too narcissistic.

Don’t know what I expected from an “I” expert.

A zookeeper is having trouble sleeping...

because of a certain case, which made it so that all the zoo animals had to stay in his bedroom. One of them keeps on waking him up, but he’s not sure which one. He goes to see an expert on similar situations like this. They go over which one is the most likely. The expert says:


“It’s no...

An explosives expert liked to blow up bombs beside the city's underground septic lines. One day, while planting a device, he made a fatal mistake...

The newspapers called him a sewer side bomber.

Dirty Limerick Competition

Every year in this small village there used to be a dirty limerick competition and the same guy used to win competition every year. Last year he sent in his most disgusting flithy limerick ever and was stunned to find out he'd only come second. As the limericks were never published, the editor could...

According to experts, I've heard that marijuana can stop seizures...

And now, according to the CDC, romaine lettuce can stop Caesar's.

What do you call an amateur expert on fish?

A fishionado

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

Our crack team of experts has done the research

They need more crack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what should we do?"

Her husband says "I'm no expert, but i wouldn't fucking spank him".

Gamers become the best engineers.

They are already experts in steam.

"Now cut the red wire to defuse the bomb, sir" said the defusing expert calmly to me over the phone

What an explosive way to find out you're colourblind.

A fancy country club has a severe bee problem on the golf course.

The board of trustees decide to eradicate the bees they need to hire an expert. The bee entomologist is very expensive and the board decides they need to assess each member an additional $100 to their monthly dues for bee eradication.

Weeks after the treatment and it appears the course is b...

What do you call a Muslim expert on Milk?

A Milk Sheikh

I don't practice "social distancing."

After 30 years of social anxiety and a deep disgust of humanity in general, I operate on an "expert" level.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a tropical bird expert and a pornstar have in common?

They both know how to handle a cockatoo.

Which dinosaur was the expert judge in matters of taste?

The Connoissaur

I went to the doctor because I’ve had the Pawn Stars theme stuck in my head for two weeks

He said he’d have to call in a buddy of his who was an expert on those sorts of things

(But seriously please help me I’m going insane)

A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: do you know how often people die from AIDS?

I said: now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An SEO expert walks into a bar

BARS, TAVERN, TAVERNS, LOUNGE, NIGHT CLUB, MINI BAR, PUB, BEER, GARDEN BEER, WINE, WHISKEY, COCKTAILS

Iran has announced a controversial move to reopen outdoor markets

Experts have described the move as a bazaar decision

Redditors will save the world from the corona pandemic.

They are experts in applied social distancing.

He was an expert on all types of atom splitting.

In fact you could say he is a fission-ado.

I'm an expert on the Dunning Kruger effect.

I don't know anything about it.

In the hands of an expert..

A tourist takes a taxi in a foreign town. The taxi driver speeds through a red light. The tourist, frightened, asks

"What are you doing?"

The driver answers:

"Dont worry, I am an expert."

He speeds through more red lights, and the tourist, on the verge of hysteria, co...

Experts have decided on a caption for the famous photo of Trump and Putin's first handshake

They settled on "Grabbing America By the Pus*y"

What did the taekwondo expert say to the man with a foot fetish?

Get ready to taste defeat

If you need expert advice in a home improvement store, find a man between 50 and 60 years old. he has been there and done that.

don't ask the 70 year old man.
he's been there, done that, and already forgotten what you asked him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Despite an extensive knowledge of the inter workings of mathematics, the expert mathematician’s favorite equation was 1+2...

That horny bastard just couldn’t get enough of that three sum.

A man was in the supermarket buying snacks for lunchtime when he saw a new babybel cheese with multi-colour wax.

The type of cheese wasn't labelled but he decided to try it anyway and found he really liked it. However, he couldn't decipher what cheese it was so he bought another one the next day.

The next day he yet again enjoyed it but still couldn't figure out what it was. His friend said he liked c...

The World Expert on Wasps

A man was walking down a quiet street, when something caught his eye in the window of a charity shop. He wandered over to take a closer look, then smiled to himself, nodded, and entered the shop.

He walked up to the counter and said to the man serving there, "Is that record in the window real...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Possible Coronavirus Inoculant Found

Experts suggest that a hormone found in ordinary semen may, if consumed in sufficient quantities over time, produce a gradual immunity buildup to the Covid19 virus.

Source: Am expert

One day a man decided to retire... He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How...

Bosnian X-Files

In Sarajevo hospital, at intensive care unit, a patient would die every single Friday at exactly 11 PM, in the very same bed, no matter what their medical condition may have been.

Doctors became extremely worried because they couldn't determine causes of their deaths.

Time passed on a...

"I'm starting a new job"

What sort of job?

"I'm an expert egg beater"

That's a whisky business

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between an expert in five line poems and an expert in eating anus?

One will give you a limerick

The other will give your rim a lick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Viagra

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it’s generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lumber company posts a job opening for a wood identification expert.

One day there is a knock on the door of the office. When the manager opens it there is a man with no arms or legs, and he is wearing dark glasses.

"I am here about the job"

The manager says, "but you have no arms or legs"

"I am also blind," the man replies.

"How can you p...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.