The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

I went to a neurosurgeon who was once a demolitions expert

He blew my mind

I got a friend who is a demolition expert. One day, I made a bet with him, a dollar that he couldnt raze the whole neighbourhood

No matter who wins, its still four quarters gone

My doctor is an expert in keyhole surgery

She studied at Yale

A martial arts expert is arrested for murder.

When the case is taken to court, he is asked by the judge why he doesn't have a lawyer with him.

'I don't need a lawyer', the martial arts expert replies.

'Why not? It could really help your case if you have a defense lawyer' the judge says.

'No, thank you', the martial arts exp...

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Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"

Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

My friend Adi is a world class shoe expert. If you asked me “what’s the best shoe brand,” I’m not sure I’d know the answer. But I’d guess...

Adi does.

What do you call an expert fisherman?

A Master Baiter.

Dead Crows

During a review of accident statistics, it was noticed that one particular intersection in Boston had an inordinately high number of dead crows, presumably killed by motor vehicle strikes. Further study revealed the oddity that in every case, the dead crow had been killed by a truck—never a passenge...

The experts recommend putting a baby monitor in the nursery with your baby.

Turns out they don't mean the lizard.

A traditional tunisian joke I was told by my grandmother and she heard from hers

The bey(King) was missing his mistress who was living far away. He decided to pay her a visit wearing his more expensive clothes, but out of precaution, he decided to first ask his wazir(minister) of weather whether there would be rain on that day.
The wazir paused for 5 minutes, assessing the cl...

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A Dyre Predicament

"So kind of you to cruise by, Superman. How are the kryptonite shackles treating you?"

"You won't get away with this! Who are you anyway? I've never fought you."

"Oh, that's because I'm not a villain. And I intend to keep it that way, which brings me to the nature of today's exercise...

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Opinions are like assholes…

… if an expert tells you there is something wrong with yours, it is best to have it examined.

I really think OSHA should make an OnlyFans account

They're some of the leading experts in NSFW content after all

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

.... The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She ...

My brother is a Karate expert, a Chef and a Lawyer.

When he's not around, Dad now calls him "Chop Suey."

An expert in Greek mythology walks into a bar...

Then he suddenly sees stars spinning around to form shapes, and he feels as if he’s been struck by Zeus’s lightning. Then, while collapsed on the ground, he sees Zeus himself staring down at him. A day later, he wakes up in a hospital bed to see a doctor looking at him.

“Why did that happen...

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Medical experts in Washington DC today were asked if it is time to ease the COVID lockdowns.

Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve. Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while optome...

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US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

I'm a Expert at sleeping

I can do it with my eyes closed

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A mental patient who believes that he is dead in the mental hospital where he is admitted

Therefore does not eat and does not participate in any vital activities, could not be convinced that he is not dead despite all the efforts made by all expert psychiatrists.

One of the psychiatrists, who understands that the patient will not give up on this decision and undertakes his treatme...

The world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make is walking down the street.

He passes a record store that's advertising a sale. The sign says "45 RPM Vinyl First Editions, European Wasps and The Sounds They Make." Naturally, he's intrigued. So he stops on in and says to the record man, "excuse me, but I am the worlds leading expert on European Wasps and the sounds they make...

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He li...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

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What do you call a poop expert?

A ConnoisSEWER

... sorry

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Governor Abbot wants to build a border wall with Mexico...

So, after a period of bidding, his team shortlists a few contractors and bring them for an interview with the Governor...


First, a Mexican contractor shows up:

\- Hi, I'm going to charge 1 million dollars for each mile of wall.
\- And how come it's going to be so cheap? ...

Why do exterminators make for good programmers?

They're experts in debugging!

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.

As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released: New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very...

Where the experts are

As the ambulance EMTs are loading a man onto their gurney, the patient asks, “Where are you guys taking me? The county hospital?”
“Nope,” said the EMT. “You need expert medical help, brother. We’re taking you to the comments section.”

The FBI, CIA, and Los Angeles Police get into a bragging war about their tracking skills.

To settle the matter they agree to a contest between their best units. Whoever can track down an elusive white rabbit in a ten thousand acre forest wins the contest.

The FBI organizes a vastly complex operation with dogs, forestry experts, sharpshooters, the works.

The CIA takes sate...

Just because you sleep with someone named Stormy doesn't make you an expert on the weather...

Mr. President.

I'm no expert on covid-19 but I do know the cure

They are an amazing band from the 80s.

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The Blowjob Class

Chantelle and her man are happily married, but their adventurous days in bed are long gone. To boost their sex life, Chantelle decides to participate in a blowjob class.

In the first lesson, the instructor introduced herself: "My name is Monica and I am a blowjob expert. What you will learn i...

Why are demolition experts and dominatrixes alike?

They both like wrecking balls

Have you heard of the expert cartographer?

His skills are pretty legendary.

What are the Vatican’s expert hackers called?

A-nun-ymous

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A Soviet Strip Club

In the seventies, Soviet party members decide on establishing the first strip club in Moscow


They plan out everything, yet somehow there's next to no income. After some discussion, they decide on inviting two American experts to inspect the place.

The Americans look around for a m...

I am an expert on the Dunning-Krueger effect.

It’s the effect that states that anything that can go wrong will

My work has just hired an Australian IT expert

He comes from a LAN down under

OC joke: How to differentiate if a person is a genetics expert or a BDSM enthusiast?

Ask them the opposite of 'dominant'

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If the suffix -ist means expert of something

Then damn I must be a sadist

Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak

28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands

My 6yo daughter said: Daddy I'm an expert sleeper...

I can do it with my eyes closed..

Why does Bill Gates make for a terrible medical expert?

Because he can't get rid of viruses in Microsoft either.

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China’s lack of transparency on virus is fuelling rumors: US experts

It’s basically all this he said Xi said bullshit.

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Farmer can't get his cows to mate.

There's a farmer, who is having a hard time getting his cows to mate. Specifically, the bull doesn't seem like he can ever get into the mood. He's tried everything he can think of, but this bull just won't do it.

So he gives up on his own wisdom, and consults a cow expert. He approaches the e...

Climate change is causing people to move into hilly and mountainous regions

According to one expert on YouTube it is plain unsettling.

medina spirit was disqualified for a second failed drug test

experts described the horse's urine sample as "funky, cold"

The world's greatest tongue-twister expert just got arrested.

I bet they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.

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Do you have an idea what it is like living with a tiny penis?

I am doing a paper, and would be helpful to do an interview an expert.

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What's your favorite one liner in 40 characters or less?

Want to embroider something fun into my jacket pocket, but only have 40 characters. As a big fan of stand up, was trying to fit a homage to my favorites with something from Mitch Hedberg or Demitri Martin in there... but alas, they're slightly too long. So figured I'd come to the experts here for...

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

Don't worry, there are experts who are trained to deal with the coronavirus.

We call them coroners.

A manufacturing plant was in trouble, and nobody knew why.

A manufacturing plant was in trouble, and nobody knew why. They finally brought in an expert to fix the problem.

The guy basically walks in, inspects the equipment, takes out a chalk piece, marks one unit with an X mark and leaves.

The plant’s owner replaces the unit and viola! everyth...

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

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Experts believe that having too much sex can cause double vision

Does Does
anyone anyone
believe believe
that that
crap? crap?

A Halloween story A Hospital in Alabama got a lot of doctors and medical experts baffled over a string of deaths in an ICU at an exact time and same bed

Doctor 1: It's always 10am i tell you! Then it's Flatline!

Doctor 2: I have 3 patients that has a very good chance to live but also died on that same bed and at the same time.

Doctor 3: Mine too.

Doctor 4: I have a patient in there now and its almost 10am. Shall i get him away f...

A wasp expert walks into a record shop

He goes to the owner and asks if they have the new edition of wasp sounds 2019.
The record shop owner says that they have it in stock and asks if the wasp expert would like to listen too it before he buys.

The wasp expert agrees and the record is placed on the record player.
The pin goe...

The thief was an expert, left no fingerprints behind.

It was a stainless steal.

Every Medical Expert : Gloves and masks would be enough to go anywhere such as Supermarket.

Liars!! Everyone else had their clothes on!

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If you're just starting out in porn, observe the way the experts use the heads of their penises.

That's a pro tip.

Me: I'm an expert at identifying birds

Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: Yup, they're all birds

I want to become an expert in BDSM

But I’m still working out all the kinks

A Machine Learning Expert at an interview

Interviewer: "What can you say is your biggest strength?"

ML Expert: "I'm an expert in machine learning."

Int.: What's 6 + 10?

ML E.: Zero.

Int.: That's not even close! it's 16!

ML E.: Okay, it's 16.

Int.: What's 10 + 20?

ML E.: It's 16.

Eight out of ten experts agree that...

... the other two are idiots who should not be called experts

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A man is at a bar in London around 1985, having a drink with a girl.

He really wants to impress her. He looks over to another table and sees none other than Freddie Mercury!

“Oh my god!” Says his date, “I love him! Let’s get an autograph!”

“Nah”, the man replied, “he’s a bit of a knob”

“You know him?” his date asked incredulously

“Oh, yea...

Fitness experts recommend walking 10,000 steps per day to remain healthy.

That is an awful lot of trips to the fridge.

As an expert, I was going to write a self-help book on apathy, called "The A-Bs of Apathy".

But realized I couldn't care less.

Why can't a nose be 12 inches

Coz then it would be a foot


Yea I'm an expert at dad jokes but am not dat funny

What’s the difference between an expert marksman and an owl with diarrhea?

One hits whenever he shoots.

A couple who work in the circus go to an adoption agency.

Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produce photos of their 50 ft motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach...

At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly.

It was the best balloon giraffe I'd ever seen.

IT security experts have published a list of the 20 most secure passwords.

Reportedly, the first companies are already enforcing their use.

A 911 operator gets a call.

"911 what's your emergency?" the operator asks.

"I'm smoking." replied a middle-aged woman.

"Sorry, ma'am but you shouldn't be calling 911. Please contact an expert if you need help." The operator hangs up the phone.

The phone rings again.

"911, what's your emergency?" t...

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The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra...

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic...

I'm an expert in not finishing anything

I have a black belt in partial arts.

I’m an expert on the Dunning-Kruger effect

I’m also an expert at computers, music, math, biology, and chemistry.

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Experts say men think about sex every 7 seconds

I try to eat hot dogs in 6 seconds so things don't get weird...

9/11 was inevitable

I'm not an expert, but it's is going to happen this year as well.

In the hands of an expert..

A tourist takes a taxi in a foreign town. The taxi driver speeds through a red light. The tourist, frightened, asks

"What are you doing?"

The driver answers:

"Dont worry, I am an expert."

He speeds through more red lights, and the tourist, on the verge of hysteria, co...

Crossword expert dies

He was buried 6 down, 3 across.

Our crack team of experts has done the research

They need more crack.

My girlfriend is a social media expert.

She sent me a long message last month on why Twitter and Instagram are hands down the best Social Media apps.

But I only reddit now.

Why does TSA like to hire dentists as supervisors?

They are already experts in performing cavity searches.

According to experts, I've heard that marijuana can stop seizures...

And now, according to the CDC, romaine lettuce can stop Caesar's.

An animal prosthetics expert walks into a bar

"What's wrong buddy?" The bartender asked. "You seem down."

"Two whiskies, please. I made a lot of Faux Paws at work today."

One day TV is broadcasting about a gun shot in campus and the experts analyze that it is linked to the murder's massive time in playing violence video game.

Mum: No sense, my son is always playing dating sims and he still unable to find a girlfriend.

Once, in the forest, a sapling grew between two trees...

One tree was a birch tree, and proudly said, "That sapling is a son of a birch!"

The other tree was a beech tree, and proudly said, "No, that sapling is a son of a beech!"

The two trees argued day in and day out, but couldn't settle the matter. Finally, they decided to ask the true exp...

There once was a man named Ishmael.

Ishmael was known far and wide as the world's greatest tattoo artist. He was not only a master of his craft, but was the foremost scholar on the topic of tattooing.

Ismael didn't only know all the best tattooing techniques, old and new, but had rigorously studied the history of tattoos includ...

I’m an expert in idioms

I know them like the front of my hand

What do you call an amateur expert on fish?

A fishionado

The World Expert on Wasps

A man was walking down a quiet street, when something caught his eye in the window of a charity shop. He wandered over to take a closer look, then smiled to himself, nodded, and entered the shop.

He walked up to the counter and said to the man serving there, "Is that record in the window real...

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An SEO expert walks into a bar

BARS, TAVERN, TAVERNS, LOUNGE, NIGHT CLUB, MINI BAR, PUB, BEER, GARDEN BEER, WINE, WHISKEY, COCKTAILS

What do you call a Muslim expert on Milk?

A Milk Sheikh

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The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.

They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He aske...

An explosives expert liked to blow up bombs beside the city's underground septic lines. One day, while planting a device, he made a fatal mistake...

The newspapers called him a sewer side bomber.

How often do experts say you should listen to Bob Marley?

Reggae-larly.

Praying hands

In Tulsa, OK, on the campus of Oral Roberts University (Oral Roberts was one of those famous money hungry televangelists) there is a giant statue of a set of praying hands. It was discovered one day that they had broken apart and separated. They had construction engineers, all kinds of equipment, ex...

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Once Abdul's wife had a severe stomach ache..

He tried Google, asked his friends and relatives, but no respite from the pain for his wife. Finally, someone suggested to him a reputed Gastroenterologist, and he called him.

Abdul: "Doctor! Please help my wife. She has a severe stomach ache, and I tried everywhere, and nothing is helping. W...

What do Redditors and surprised bomb disposal experts have in common?

Edit: Wow, this blew up!

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What do a tropical bird expert and a pornstar have in common?

They both know how to handle a cockatoo.

Cutting carbs

You know, experts say that it’s healthy to cut carbs and they’re probably right.




I just don’t know whether I should cut them with a knife or a fork.

Which dinosaur was the expert judge in matters of taste?

The Connoissaur

My sister is an expert pastry-maker.

She has to be to stay employed, her job has a high turnover rate.

What did the taekwondo expert say to the man with a foot fetish?

Get ready to taste defeat

So this city blonde goes to a barn

She asks the farmer: “Excuse me, why does that cow have no horns?”.

The farmer, being quite the expert on the matter, explained to her with great detail:

“Well m’am, there’s many reasons why some cows don’t have horns. Some breeds don’t have horns. For example: Angus cows don’t have ...

A rich old man died

His widow arrived at the funeral home to meet with the mortician. “Fortunately he was dressed in this fine black suit when he passed, perfect for his burial “ he said. “Yes” replied the widow “he does look good, but I’ve alway thought he looked best in blue”. From her purse she pulled a blank check ...

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Despite an extensive knowledge of the inter workings of mathematics, the expert mathematician’s favorite equation was 1+2...

That horny bastard just couldn’t get enough of that three sum.

An expert on paranormal activity is doing a lecture tour.

He arrives at his most recent lecture location and goes inside to a packed auditorium.

He clears his throat and says "excellent, let us begin. How many people here believe in ghosts? "

Every hand in the rooms goes up.

" That's what I value, a truly open mind" he says. " Now, ...

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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

He was an expert on all types of atom splitting.

In fact you could say he is a fission-ado.

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A restaurant patron drops his spoon on the floor and asks the waiter for a new one.

The waiter immediately reaches into his apron and pulls out a new spoon and gives it to the customer.

The table finishes their meal and the waiter comes to drop the check. The man who had earlier dropped his spoon says to the waiter, "Hey, that was pretty impressive that you were able to giv...

"Now cut the red wire to defuse the bomb, sir" said the defusing expert calmly to me over the phone

What an explosive way to find out you're colourblind.

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A world champion in grizzly bear hunting wanted to shoot a polar one

He's got yet another prize in USA for hunting grizzlies, proving he's the best there is. Doesn't matter how hard it would be to hunt one, he would track them and hunt them.

One day he wanted the challenge, and thought he would step up his game and hunt for polar bears. He's no expert in polar...

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What's the difference between an expert in five line poems and an expert in eating anus?

One will give you a limerick

The other will give your rim a lick.

Any legal experts here?

So there is an expensive international Amphibian Show. You have been preparing for this show all year, and you have one main prize frog and another frog you just have as a backup insuring against the first one being hurt or something. The day comes, but now this first frog gets injured so you are tr...

I'm an expert on the Dunning Kruger effect.

I don't know anything about it.

If you need expert advice in a home improvement store, find a man between 50 and 60 years old. he has been there and done that.

don't ask the 70 year old man.
he's been there, done that, and already forgotten what you asked him.

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