My brother is a Karate expert, a Chef and a Lawyer.

When he's not around, Dad now calls him "Chop Suey."

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She giv...

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What do you call a poop expert?

A ConnoisSEWER

... sorry

The world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make is walking down the street.

He passes a record store that's advertising a sale. The sign says "45 RPM Vinyl First Editions, European Wasps and The Sounds They Make." Naturally, he's intrigued. So he stops on in and says to the record man, "excuse me, but I am the worlds leading expert on European Wasps and the sounds they make...

Why are demolition experts and dominatrixes alike?

They both like wrecking balls

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.



He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
...

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US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

I'm no expert on covid-19 but I do know the cure

They are an amazing band from the 80s.

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Medical experts were asked if it is time to lift the COVID-19 lockdown restrictions.

There were mixed responses.

Allergists were in favor of scratching it altogether, but dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling it was a bad idea, and neurologists claimed the government had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians felt certai...

Have you heard of the expert cartographer?

His skills are pretty legendary.

Did you hear about the michael jackson impersonator who expertly robbed a bank?

He was a smooth criminal

What are the Vatican’s expert hackers called?

A-nun-ymous

I am an expert on the Dunning-Krueger effect.

It’s the effect that states that anything that can go wrong will

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

OC joke: How to differentiate if a person is a genetics expert or a BDSM enthusiast?

Ask them the opposite of 'dominant'

My 6yo daughter said: Daddy I'm an expert sleeper...

I can do it with my eyes closed..

A couple who work in the circus go to an adoption agency.

Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produce photos of their 50 ft motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach...

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China’s lack of transparency on virus is fuelling rumors: US experts

It’s basically all this he said Xi said bullshit.

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I've never seen this here, and it's long and gross.

There's a farmer, who is having a hard time getting his cows to mate. Specifically, the bull doesn't seem like he can ever get into the mood. He's tried everything he can think of, but this bull just won't do it.

So he gives up on his own wisdom, and consults a cow expert. He approaches the e...

Why does Bill Gates make for a terrible medical expert?

Because he can't get rid of viruses in Microsoft either.

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If the suffix -ist means expert of something

Then damn I must be a sadist

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A restaurant patron drops his spoon on the floor and asks the waiter for a new one.

The waiter immediately reaches into his apron and pulls out a new spoon and gives it to the customer.

The table finishes their meal and the waiter comes to drop the check. The man who had earlier dropped his spoon says to the waiter, "Hey, that was pretty impressive that you were able to giv...

Just because you sleep with someone named Stormy doesn't make you an expert on the weather...

Mr. President.

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The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.

They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He aske...

Once, in the forest, a sapling grew between two trees...

One tree was a birch tree, and proudly said, "That sapling is a son of a birch!"

The other tree was a beech tree, and proudly said, "No, that sapling is a son of a beech!"

The two trees argued day in and day out, but couldn't settle the matter. Finally, they decided to ask the true exp...

Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak

28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands

The world's greatest tongue-twister expert just got arrested.

I bet they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.

Why does Spiderman never get caught cheating on his wife?

He's an expert at spinning a web of lies.

Don't worry, there are experts who are trained to deal with the coronavirus.

We call them coroners.

So this city blonde goes to a barn

She asks the farmer: “Excuse me, why does that cow have no horns?”.

The farmer, being quite the expert on the matter, explained to her with great detail:

“Well m’am, there’s many reasons why some cows don’t have horns. Some breeds don’t have horns. For example: Angus cows don’t have ...

My work has just hired an Australian IT expert

He comes from a LAN down under

Every Medical Expert : Gloves and masks would be enough to go anywhere such as Supermarket.

Liars!! Everyone else had their clothes on!

Two great musicians hated each other

And after years of always being compared to one another, they finally decided to have a duet of guitars to see which was the better player. They carefully selected an audience of musical experts, and with that they played.

After a fifteen minutes duet, the vote was cast. Amazingly, the result...

How did the World's Foremost Expert on Everything make his millions?

That's knowbody's business.

Don't think of me as someone who's "hard to work with..."

Just imagine yourself playing against me on "expert mode."

The thief was an expert, left no fingerprints behind.

It was a stainless steal.

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If you're just starting out in porn, observe the way the experts use the heads of their penises.

That's a pro tip.

I want to become an expert in BDSM

But I’m still working out all the kinks

The CEO at Euro A Bank Ltd got economists thinking when he said:

"A cyclist is a disaster for a country's economy. He does not buy a car and does not take out a car loan. Does not buy car insurance. Does not buy fuel. Does not send his car for servicing and repairs. Does not use paid parking. Does not become obese.
Yes - and he stays well, damn it !! Healthy p...

A Halloween story A Hospital in Alabama got a lot of doctors and medical experts baffled over a string of deaths in an ICU at an exact time and same bed

Doctor 1: It's always 10am i tell you! Then it's Flatline!

Doctor 2: I have 3 patients that has a very good chance to live but also died on that same bed and at the same time.

Doctor 3: Mine too.

Doctor 4: I have a patient in there now and its almost 10am. Shall i get him away f...

Fitness experts recommend walking 10,000 steps per day to remain healthy.

That is an awful lot of trips to the fridge.

Vocabulary

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
Auditor - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Banker - The fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
Ec...

As an expert, I was going to write a self-help book on apathy, called "The A-Bs of Apathy".

But realized I couldn't care less.

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Experts believe that having too much sex can cause double vision

Does Does
anyone anyone
believe believe
that that
crap? crap?

A wasp expert walks into a record shop

He goes to the owner and asks if they have the new edition of wasp sounds 2019.
The record shop owner says that they have it in stock and asks if the wasp expert would like to listen too it before he buys.

The wasp expert agrees and the record is placed on the record player.
The pin goe...

Eight out of ten experts agree that...

... the other two are idiots who should not be called experts

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A widow, Claire, was looking to move away from the city, and looked for a small town to live her final years in.

She drove a few hours out into the countryside to find a good place to move into. Eventually she came by Barkstown, and this peculiar name piqued her curiosity.

She drove in and was amazed by the amount of dogs there were in this town, but she was getting hungry from not eating all day.
...

A Machine Learning Expert at an interview

Interviewer: "What can you say is your biggest strength?"

ML Expert: "I'm an expert in machine learning."

Int.: What's 6 + 10?

ML E.: Zero.

Int.: That's not even close! it's 16!

ML E.: Okay, it's 16.

Int.: What's 10 + 20?

ML E.: It's 16.

Once a guy asked me a grammar question

He said,"In the sentence , " The mother beat her daughter after she was drunk",who was drunk? You boast a lot about your grammar, prove me you're an expert at it"
I said, giving him a deathly stare in his eye," SHE "

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like t...

Me: I'm an expert at identifying birds

Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: Yup, they're all birds

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827."

Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the prev...

I'm an expert in not finishing anything

I have a black belt in partial arts.

IT security experts have published a list of the 20 most secure passwords.

Reportedly, the first companies are already enforcing their use.

I’m an expert on the Dunning-Kruger effect

I’m also an expert at computers, music, math, biology, and chemistry.

A friend got his name legally changed from Pert.

I guess he's an expert now.

An animal prosthetics expert walks into a bar

"What's wrong buddy?" The bartender asked. "You seem down."

"Two whiskies, please. I made a lot of Faux Paws at work today."

What’s the difference between an expert marksman and an owl with diarrhea?

One hits whenever he shoots.

Hey Guys! I just watched a 5 minute video on the Dunning-Kreugar Effect.

So, I’m pretty much an expert now.

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There was a youth who lived in Russia.

He was orphaned at the young age of 5. He only had one mother, Mother Russia. With no one to take care of him, he was left to fend for himself. He was poor and worked in the coal mines, to earn a mediocre salary to last him a day or two.

One day after a hard day at work, he walked down a si...

Crossword expert dies

He was buried 6 down, 3 across.

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A Boy came home from Sunday School

His mother asked what he learned that day, the boy replied.

'They were teaching us about Moses. Moses had to take the Jews across the Red Sea, so he ordered his military engineers to build a bridge so they can cross the Red Sea, but the Egyptians came chasing after them , so moses ordered his...

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Experts say men think about sex every 7 seconds

I try to eat hot dogs in 6 seconds so things don't get weird...

One day TV is broadcasting about a gun shot in campus and the experts analyze that it is linked to the murder's massive time in playing violence video game.

Mum: No sense, my son is always playing dating sims and he still unable to find a girlfriend.

I’m an expert in idioms

I know them like the front of my hand

My girlfriend is a social media expert.

She sent me a long message last month on why Twitter and Instagram are hands down the best Social Media apps.

But I only reddit now.

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.


Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The cu...

How often do experts say you should listen to Bob Marley?

Reggae-larly.

At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly.

It was the best balloon giraffe I'd ever seen.

According to experts, I've heard that marijuana can stop seizures...

And now, according to the CDC, romaine lettuce can stop Caesar's.

A guy stuck in the Coronavirus pandemic prays to God for help (not a repost)

He is on his knees begging God for protection from the pandemic. Suddenly, he is distracted by his television. It is the W.H.O. telling people to socially distance and wear a mask in public. He switches it off, because it is distracting him and resumes praying.

The next day, still scared he p...

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A huge soccer fan arrived at the Vatican

There, he saw the pope. He approached His Holiness and said: 'Mr. Popeman, there is one thing I have always wondered: do they have soccer in heaven?'

'Good question', says the Pope, 'Let me get back to you on that. Meet me here in a week.'

A week later, the Pope and the man meet each o...

What do you call an amateur expert on fish?

A fishionado

An explosives expert liked to blow up bombs beside the city's underground septic lines. One day, while planting a device, he made a fatal mistake...

The newspapers called him a sewer side bomber.

Our crack team of experts has done the research

They need more crack.

Windows can be fun!

**Client:** How good are you guys at PowerPoint?

**IT Expert:** We Excel at it...

**Client:** Was that a Microsoft Office pun?

**IT Expert:** Word.

Why did the communist kill all of the civilians in the town square, regardless of their social class?

Because he was an expert Marxman.

The Dog Fight

The Israeli Dog vs. The Arab Dog

  
The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fi...

What do Redditors and surprised bomb disposal experts have in common?

Edit: Wow, this blew up!

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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

What do you call a Muslim expert on Milk?

A Milk Sheikh

Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment.

They are already experts at recycling.

In the hands of an expert..

A tourist takes a taxi in a foreign town. The taxi driver speeds through a red light. The tourist, frightened, asks

"What are you doing?"

The driver answers:

"Dont worry, I am an expert."

He speeds through more red lights, and the tourist, on the verge of hysteria, co...

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What do a tropical bird expert and a pornstar have in common?

They both know how to handle a cockatoo.

"Now cut the red wire to defuse the bomb, sir" said the defusing expert calmly to me over the phone

What an explosive way to find out you're colourblind.

Which dinosaur was the expert judge in matters of taste?

The Connoissaur

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An SEO expert walks into a bar

BARS, TAVERN, TAVERNS, LOUNGE, NIGHT CLUB, MINI BAR, PUB, BEER, GARDEN BEER, WINE, WHISKEY, COCKTAILS

He was an expert on all types of atom splitting.

In fact you could say he is a fission-ado.

What did the taekwondo expert say to the man with a foot fetish?

Get ready to taste defeat

A Midwesterner's Favorite Drug

I'm no expert, but I'm confident that midwesterners' favorite drug is OPEium.

The World Expert on Wasps

A man was walking down a quiet street, when something caught his eye in the window of a charity shop. He wandered over to take a closer look, then smiled to himself, nodded, and entered the shop.

He walked up to the counter and said to the man serving there, "Is that record in the window real...

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Three kingdoms border a lake in the shape of an obtuse triangle

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this storytelling and legal battling came to no conclusion,...

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Despite an extensive knowledge of the inter workings of mathematics, the expert mathematician’s favorite equation was 1+2...

That horny bastard just couldn’t get enough of that three sum.

If you need expert advice in a home improvement store, find a man between 50 and 60 years old. he has been there and done that.

don't ask the 70 year old man.
he's been there, done that, and already forgotten what you asked him.

A zookeeper is having trouble sleeping...

because of a certain case, which made it so that all the zoo animals had to stay in his bedroom. One of them keeps on waking him up, but he’s not sure which one. He goes to see an expert on similar situations like this. They go over which one is the most likely. The expert says:


“It’s no...

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Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"

Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

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In the alps, there was a shepherd that were tired of wolves eating its sheeps.

In the alps, there was a shepherd that were tired of wolves eating its sheeps. In order to solve their problems, the city hired fauna experts to debate on the subjects with the shepherds. After a long day of debate, the city decided to castrate the wolves as it was the most humane way to deal with t...

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What's the difference between an expert in five line poems and an expert in eating anus?

One will give you a limerick

The other will give your rim a lick.

Dirty Limerick Competition

Every year in this small village there used to be a dirty limerick competition and the same guy used to win competition every year. Last year he sent in his most disgusting flithy limerick ever and was stunned to find out he'd only come second. As the limericks were never published, the editor could...

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