UPJOKE
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The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He list...

An SEO expert walks into a bar, pub, inn, tavern, cafe, beer parlour

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What do you call an expert fisherman?

A master-baiter

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

What do you call a person who's an expert in American culture and politics?

A European Redditor.

Any glue experts who can help me?

I needed to attach a velvet Elvis painting to a pink flamingo lawn ornament, so I grabbed a bottle of contact cement. The instructions said to apply to both surfaces and wait until they’re no longer tacky before putting them together. That was 6 months ago, and they’re still tacky. How much longer d...

Top Biblical experts have reached the conclusion that Adam and Eve were Soviet citizens

They had no clothes, one apple between the two of them and they thought they were in paradise.

An Expensive Suit

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says t...

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A wood expert.

A drunk man in a bar began bragging that he could identify any type of wood by its smell only.

The bartender and patrons decided to test him. The man was blindfolded and presented with several pieces of wood.

First they put a pencil infront of his nose. He smelled it and said, "That's...

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The nation's top medical experts were asked today if it was time to ease the COVID restrictions.

Allergists were in favour of scratching it.

Dermatologists advised not to make any rash decisions.

Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.

Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians thought the government was labouring under a misconcept...

I became such an expert in how to park a car

I'm now known as Parking

I'm no Trumper but these so called "health experts" are liars!

They said a mask and gloves was enough to go to the grocery store!!

When I got there, everyone else also had clothes on :/

What do you call an explosive expert from Oklahoma?

OK Boomer

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Experts say making a child do chores can do damage.

But if you can afford a few broken dishes put the little buggers to work! It will do them good!

The owners of a 'Happy Days' themed restaurant are being investigated for fraud for paying existing investors with new investors money.

Experts are referring to it as the world first Fonzie Scheme.

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A Duck Hunter gets stopped by a Game Warden

The Warden picks up a duck from his sack, sticks his finger in his butt then sniffs it, and says, "This duck is from Mississippi. You gotta license to hunt duck in Mississippi, son?" Yes Sir yes sir, here you go. (Hands him the license and he looks at it then hands it back) It all checked out. <...

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US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

Everyone in town loved old Roger.

He was a friendly and jovial man, always wearing a big smile and treating his customers like they were family.

Roger was a woodworker by trade, specializing in ornate picture frames. Everyone who knew him would agree that he was an expert in his field, perhaps even a gifted prodigy, and he ha...

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A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams.

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams. Both teams trained long and hard. When race day came, both teams thought they were in top shape, but the Japanese won by far in the mile.

After the defeat, a defeatist mood prevailed among the ...

Expert Marksman

Three snipers are out on the range, bragging about their skills.

“I can out-shoot either of you clowns. See that beer can out beyond the target?” The other two confirm. The first sniper lines up his shot, squeezes off a round and BOOM, can pops up in the air and lands 20 yards back.

...

An old man walks up to the counter of a pawn shop holding an old, weathered guitar

"I'd like your expert opinion on this guitar, how much do you think it's worth?" asks the old man.

The pawn broker looks it up and down. "Well, I can tell right now that there's a little warping in the neck, the lacquer is faded and there's scratches and dents all over it. It's an old, well-p...

I went to a neurosurgeon who was once a demolitions expert

He blew my mind

My doctor is an expert in keyhole surgery

She studied at Yale

A martial arts expert is arrested for murder.

When the case is taken to court, he is asked by the judge why he doesn't have a lawyer with him.

'I don't need a lawyer', the martial arts expert replies.

'Why not? It could really help your case if you have a defense lawyer' the judge says.

'No, thank you', the martial arts exp...

My friend Adi is a world class shoe expert. If you asked me “what’s the best shoe brand,” I’m not sure I’d know the answer. But I’d guess...

Adi does.

A mom was cleaning her son’s bedroom when she found a load of serious bondage gear & fetish mags.

She asked her husband: “What do we do?” Husband said: “I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t spank him!"

My brother is a Karate expert, a Chef and a Lawyer.

When he's not around, Dad now calls him "Chop Suey."

I got a friend who is a demolition expert. One day, I made a bet with him, a dollar that he couldnt raze the whole neighbourhood

No matter who wins, its still four quarters gone

An expert in Greek mythology walks into a bar...

Then he suddenly sees stars spinning around to form shapes, and he feels as if he’s been struck by Zeus’s lightning. Then, while collapsed on the ground, he sees Zeus himself staring down at him. A day later, he wakes up in a hospital bed to see a doctor looking at him.

“Why did that happen...

I'm a Expert at sleeping

I can do it with my eyes closed

The world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make is walking down the street.

He passes a record store that's advertising a sale. The sign says "45 RPM Vinyl First Editions, European Wasps and The Sounds They Make." Naturally, he's intrigued. So he stops on in and says to the record man, "excuse me, but I am the worlds leading expert on European Wasps and the sounds they make...

Just because you sleep with someone named Stormy doesn't make you an expert on the weather...

Mr. President.

My work has just hired an Australian IT expert

He comes from a LAN down under

The experts recommend putting a baby monitor in the nursery with your baby.

Turns out they don't mean the lizard.

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What do you call a poop expert?

A ConnoisSEWER

... sorry

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The aspiring comedian (not that funny but I made it myself)

So this aspiring comedian went to his local comedy club, like he did most weekends, and to his surprise his all time favorite comedian was doing a out of the blue performance at his local comedy club.

So he bought him self a ticket and proceeded to have one of the best nights of his life, ...

A new apprentice starts work in a butcher shop.

He is tasked with serving the customers and all is well.

One day, a woman comes in and asks for a duck.

“But be sure to give me a high quality Aylesbury duck.”

The apprentice, knowing no better, picks a duck and hands it to the woman.

She examines it carefully, eyeing the...

I'm no expert on covid-19 but I do know the cure

They are an amazing band from the 80s.

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If the suffix -ist means expert of something

Then damn I must be a sadist

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like t...

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Management Knows Best

A Japanese company and a Swedish company decided to have a row competition as a publicity stunt. Both teams trained long and hard. Competition came and the Japanese won by 1 kilometer. The Swedish company's leadership was shocked. But in this major crisis, the leadership showed its value: They wante...

Have you heard of the expert cartographer?

His skills are pretty legendary.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

What are the Vatican’s expert hackers called?

A-nun-ymous

OC joke: How to differentiate if a person is a genetics expert or a BDSM enthusiast?

Ask them the opposite of 'dominant'

My 6yo daughter said: Daddy I'm an expert sleeper...

I can do it with my eyes closed..

Why does Bill Gates make for a terrible medical expert?

Because he can't get rid of viruses in Microsoft either.

Two tall trees - a birch and beech - are growing in the woods.



A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, ‘Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, ‘Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son ...

Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak

28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands

Where the experts are

As the ambulance EMTs are loading a man onto their gurney, the patient asks, “Where are you guys taking me? The county hospital?”
“Nope,” said the EMT. “You need expert medical help, brother. We’re taking you to the comments section.”

I’m retiring my favorite password: $nowWhite&T#e7Dwarves|

Security experts are recommending longer passwords, but mine was only eight characters.

I really think OSHA should make an OnlyFans account

They're some of the leading experts in NSFW content after all

I am an expert on the Dunning-Krueger effect.

It’s the effect that states that anything that can go wrong will

The world's greatest tongue-twister expert just got arrested.

I bet they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.

A wasp expert walks into a record shop

He goes to the owner and asks if they have the new edition of wasp sounds 2019.
The record shop owner says that they have it in stock and asks if the wasp expert would like to listen too it before he buys.

The wasp expert agrees and the record is placed on the record player.
The pin goe...

What do you get when someone “Goes Down” on a smart and clever world language expert?

A Cunning Linguist

Me: I'm an expert at identifying birds

Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: Yup, they're all birds

A traditional tunisian joke I was told by my grandmother and she heard from hers

The bey(King) was missing his mistress who was living far away. He decided to pay her a visit wearing his more expensive clothes, but out of precaution, he decided to first ask his wazir(minister) of weather whether there would be rain on that day.
The wazir paused for 5 minutes, assessing the cl...

Why are demolition experts and dominatrixes alike?

They both like wrecking balls

I needed to catch a bear to complete my zoo…

So I called a bear catcher.

The bear catcher shows up in his truck the next day. He gets out of his truck with a feather, some rope and a gun along side his dog, Blue.

He says that Blue is an expert bear tracker. He will find us a bear and run it up a tree.

“I’m going to chase...

In the hands of an expert..

A tourist takes a taxi in a foreign town. The taxi driver speeds through a red light. The tourist, frightened, asks

"What are you doing?"

The driver answers:

"Dont worry, I am an expert."

He speeds through more red lights, and the tourist, on the verge of hysteria, co...

The thief was an expert, left no fingerprints behind.

It was a stainless steal.

A Machine Learning Expert at an interview

Interviewer: "What can you say is your biggest strength?"

ML Expert: "I'm an expert in machine learning."

Int.: What's 6 + 10?

ML E.: Zero.

Int.: That's not even close! it's 16!

ML E.: Okay, it's 16.

Int.: What's 10 + 20?

ML E.: It's 16.

What’s the difference between an expert marksman and an owl with diarrhea?

One hits whenever he shoots.

Dead Crows

During a review of accident statistics, it was noticed that one particular intersection in Boston had an inordinately high number of dead crows, presumably killed by motor vehicle strikes. Further study revealed the oddity that in every case, the dead crow had been killed by a truck—never a passenge...

Harvard Bridge

The Harvard Bridge in Boston that runs to MIT is measured in "smoots," after a 1958 fraternity prank where freshman Oliver Smoot was used as a device to measure the bridge.

There are various humorous side stories, such as:

1. when the bridge was rehabbed in the 1980s, the sidewalks wer...

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China’s lack of transparency on virus is fuelling rumors: US experts

It’s basically all this he said Xi said bullshit.

I want to become an expert in BDSM

But I’m still working out all the kinks

Crossword expert dies

He was buried 6 down, 3 across.

Experts are saying a border wall plan for the Mexican border doesn't hold water....

It's located above si level.

I’m an expert on the Dunning-Kruger effect

I’m also an expert at computers, music, math, biology, and chemistry.

Don't worry, there are experts who are trained to deal with the coronavirus.

We call them coroners.

My girlfriend is a social media expert.

She sent me a long message last month on why Twitter and Instagram are hands down the best Social Media apps.

But I only reddit now.

The World Expert on Wasps

A man was walking down a quiet street, when something caught his eye in the window of a charity shop. He wandered over to take a closer look, then smiled to himself, nodded, and entered the shop.

He walked up to the counter and said to the man serving there, "Is that record in the window real...

I'm an expert in not finishing anything

I have a black belt in partial arts.

My sister is an expert pastry-maker.

She has to be to stay employed, her job has a high turnover rate.

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Two women are playing golf...

The first woman teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed towards a group of men.

It hit one of the men and he immediately doubled over in pain clutching his groin. The women rushed over and began apologizing vehemently.

The man said, still in pain, said it was ok and told th...

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An SEO expert walks into a bar

BARS, TAVERN, TAVERNS, LOUNGE, NIGHT CLUB, MINI BAR, PUB, BEER, GARDEN BEER, WINE, WHISKEY, COCKTAILS

At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly.

It was the best balloon giraffe I'd ever seen.

What do you call an amateur expert on fish?

A fishionado

What do you call a Muslim expert on Milk?

A Milk Sheikh

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Experts believe that having too much sex can cause double vision

Does Does
anyone anyone
believe believe
that that
crap? crap?

I’m an expert in idioms

I know them like the front of my hand

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If you're just starting out in porn, observe the way the experts use the heads of their penises.

That's a pro tip.

What did the taekwondo expert say to the man with a foot fetish?

Get ready to taste defeat

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Family Planning

In 1983, China launched an extensive 12 month program that was carefully designed to teach the fundamentals of birth control to the rural populace. Doctors and nurses were televised demonstrating the use of condoms and birth control pills.
The people were encouraged to faithfully practice thes...

An animal prosthetics expert walks into a bar

"What's wrong buddy?" The bartender asked. "You seem down."

"Two whiskies, please. I made a lot of Faux Paws at work today."

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What do a tropical bird expert and a pornstar have in common?

They both know how to handle a cockatoo.

Which dinosaur was the expert judge in matters of taste?

The Connoissaur

What does a terrorist IT expert do the most?

Troubleshooting

I came back to work after a weeks vacation

Several of my customers asked "Haven't seen you in a while, where you been?"
I just said "I had to go back to the state I moved from to help locate a few homicide victims "

They said "Oh! Are you a forensics expert?"

I replied "No, serial killer "

An explosives expert liked to blow up bombs beside the city's underground septic lines. One day, while planting a device, he made a fatal mistake...

The newspapers called him a sewer side bomber.

Eight out of ten experts agree that...

... the other two are idiots who should not be called experts

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A Soviet Strip Club

In the seventies, Soviet party members decide on establishing the first strip club in Moscow


They plan out everything, yet somehow there's next to no income. After some discussion, they decide on inviting two American experts to inspect the place.

The Americans look around for a m...

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Experts say men think about sex every 7 seconds

I try to eat hot dogs in 6 seconds so things don't get weird...

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

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Despite an extensive knowledge of the inter workings of mathematics, the expert mathematician’s favorite equation was 1+2...

That horny bastard just couldn’t get enough of that three sum.

Our crack team of experts has done the research

They need more crack.

Fitness experts recommend walking 10,000 steps per day to remain healthy.

That is an awful lot of trips to the fridge.

IT security experts have published a list of the 20 most secure passwords.

Reportedly, the first companies are already enforcing their use.

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What's the difference between an expert in five line poems and an expert in eating anus?

One will give you a limerick

The other will give your rim a lick.

According to experts, I've heard that marijuana can stop seizures...

And now, according to the CDC, romaine lettuce can stop Caesar's.

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A lumber company posts a job opening for a wood identification expert.

One day there is a knock on the door of the office. When the manager opens it there is a man with no arms or legs, and he is wearing dark glasses.

"I am here about the job"

The manager says, "but you have no arms or legs"

"I am also blind," the man replies.

"How can you p...

He was an expert on all types of atom splitting.

In fact you could say he is a fission-ado.

What is a chinese pirate an expert at?

Flying a plane.

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A Dyre Predicament

"So kind of you to cruise by, Superman. How are the kryptonite shackles treating you?"

"You won't get away with this! Who are you anyway? I've never fought you."

"Oh, that's because I'm not a villain. And I intend to keep it that way, which brings me to the nature of today's exercise...

If you need expert advice in a home improvement store, find a man between 50 and 60 years old. he has been there and done that.

don't ask the 70 year old man.
he's been there, done that, and already forgotten what you asked him.

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Opinions are like assholes…

… if an expert tells you there is something wrong with yours, it is best to have it examined.

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