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Expert Jokes

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue sui...

I'm an expert in ice cream...

I went to sundae school.

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution….

“You don't want to try these techniques at home.”

“Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She would make lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at...

What do you call a person who's an expert in American culture and politics?

A European Redditor.

Three men arrive simultaneously at the Pearly Gates.

They are greeted by St. Peter, who tells them, "Welcome! Before you can enter heaven, you must be circumcised, and I can see that none of you are. The standard procedure these days is that we remove your foreskin using whatever method your father used to make a living."
To the first guy, he says...

A banker, a blacksmith, and a demolitions expert are all on a small plane.

The engine on the plane starts to fail and the pilot says to the three passengers on board
“Throw your least important belongings over the plane so that we can lighten the load on the engine”

The banker decides that his pennies weigh the most and have the least value so he throws all of th...

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Crocodile.

A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors... He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, ...

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He list...

An SEO expert walks into a bar, pub, inn, tavern, cafe, beer parlour

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I'm no Trumper but these so called "health experts" are liars!

They said a mask and gloves was enough to go to the grocery store!!

When I got there, everyone else also had clothes on :/

I finally graduated as an expert in female biology

I studied abroad or two

Top Biblical experts have reached the conclusion that Adam and Eve were Soviet citizens

They had no clothes, one apple between the two of them and they thought they were in paradise.

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US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

What do you call an expert fisherman?

A master-baiter

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A wood expert.

A drunk man in a bar began bragging that he could identify any type of wood by its smell only.

The bartender and patrons decided to test him. The man was blindfolded and presented with several pieces of wood.

First they put a pencil infront of his nose. He smelled it and said, "That's...

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The nation's top medical experts were asked today if it was time to ease the COVID restrictions.

Allergists were in favour of scratching it.

Dermatologists advised not to make any rash decisions.

Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.

Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians thought the government was labouring under a misconcept...

Any glue experts who can help me?

I needed to attach a velvet Elvis painting to a pink flamingo lawn ornament, so I grabbed a bottle of contact cement. The instructions said to apply to both surfaces and wait until they’re no longer tacky before putting them together. That was 6 months ago, and they’re still tacky. How much longer d...

I became such an expert in how to park a car

I'm now known as Parking

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The hunting license

A hunter went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks.

He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hunters.

The game warden ordered to the hunter to show his hunting license, a...

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Experts say making a child do chores can do damage.

But if you can afford a few broken dishes put the little buggers to work! It will do them good!

What do you call an expert at auto body repair and espionage?

Bondo. James Bondo.

I went to a neurosurgeon who was once a demolitions expert

He blew my mind

Why did the Mafia hire a magician?

They heard he was an expert in making people disappear.

Expert Marksman

Three snipers are out on the range, bragging about their skills.

“I can out-shoot either of you clowns. See that beer can out beyond the target?” The other two confirm. The first sniper lines up his shot, squeezes off a round and BOOM, can pops up in the air and lands 20 yards back.

...

Just because you sleep with someone named Stormy doesn't make you an expert on the weather...

Mr. President.

I was thinking about adopting a rare turtle today…

Ever since the oil spills in the Gulf of Mexico the turtles have been different. Apparently some of the dish soap used to clean the animals leaked into the ocean and the turtles drank it. It doesn’t harm the turtles, but they have the weird ability to pee out the dish soap.

Anyway the turtle...

An expert in Greek mythology walks into a bar...

Then he suddenly sees stars spinning around to form shapes, and he feels as if he’s been struck by Zeus’s lightning. Then, while collapsed on the ground, he sees Zeus himself staring down at him. A day later, he wakes up in a hospital bed to see a doctor looking at him.

“Why did that happen...

The world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make is walking down the street.

He passes a record store that's advertising a sale. The sign says "45 RPM Vinyl First Editions, European Wasps and The Sounds They Make." Naturally, he's intrigued. So he stops on in and says to the record man, "excuse me, but I am the worlds leading expert on European Wasps and the sounds they make...

Following the protests, Iran has announced a controversial move to reopen outdoor markets.

Experts have described the move as a bazaar decision

My doctor is an expert in keyhole surgery

She studied at Yale

A Gorbachev joke my dad told me a few years ago

Mikhail Gorbachev visits the US and meet with Ronald Reagan. They talk about how each country chooses their second in command. Gorbachev says that the Communist Party gives rigorous exams and screenings to choose the second in command. Reagan says he gives a test to figure out who to choose. He call...

My work has just hired an Australian IT expert

He comes from a LAN down under

John's special skill

John says to his friend 'I'm an expert at identifying birds!'

So his friend shows him a photo of a Spix's Macaw, and asks him to identify it.

To which John replies 'Oh that's definitely a bird.'

\*guffaws\*

My friend Adi is a world class shoe expert. If you asked me “what’s the best shoe brand,” I’m not sure I’d know the answer. But I’d guess...

Adi does.

A martial arts expert is arrested for murder.

When the case is taken to court, he is asked by the judge why he doesn't have a lawyer with him.

'I don't need a lawyer', the martial arts expert replies.

'Why not? It could really help your case if you have a defense lawyer' the judge says.

'No, thank you', the martial arts exp...

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like t...

My brother is a Karate expert, a Chef and a Lawyer.

When he's not around, Dad now calls him "Chop Suey."

I got a friend who is a demolition expert. One day, I made a bet with him, a dollar that he couldnt raze the whole neighbourhood

No matter who wins, its still four quarters gone

I'm a Expert at sleeping

I can do it with my eyes closed

Circus adoption

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nurse...

An old man walks up to the counter of a pawn shop holding an old, weathered guitar

"I'd like your expert opinion on this guitar, how much do you think it's worth?" asks the old man.

The pawn broker looks it up and down. "Well, I can tell right now that there's a little warping in the neck, the lacquer is faded and there's scratches and dents all over it. It's an old, well-p...

A Politician tries telling the truth for once

A crisis gripped the State.

"Mr. Politician! How do you intend to solve this crisis!"

"Honestly...? I don't know. This is a very complex situation, with so many moving parts that it's far beyond the understanding of any one person, or even a small group. I don't know what I'm going to ...

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If the suffix -ist means expert of something

Then damn I must be a sadist

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What do you call a poop expert?

A ConnoisSEWER

... sorry

Diving trip goes bad...

A husband and wife are out diving one day in deep open waters when they became separated.
The husband in panic swam and dove as long as he could in an attempt to find his wife,before he eventually ran out of air. He made it back home and alerted the authorities.
A rescue party was sent out, wi...

I'm no expert on covid-19 but I do know the cure

They are an amazing band from the 80s.

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My favourite nun joke

The nuns from the Convent of the Immaculate Conception were on a day trip when their bus went off the road, plunged over a cliff and they were all killed.

It had been a long day at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter had been counting down the minutes to knocking off time and some well-earned...

Me: I'm an expert at identifying birds

Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: Yup, they're all birds

A wasp expert walks into a record shop

He goes to the owner and asks if they have the new edition of wasp sounds 2019.
The record shop owner says that they have it in stock and asks if the wasp expert would like to listen too it before he buys.

The wasp expert agrees and the record is placed on the record player.
The pin goe...

In the hands of an expert..

A tourist takes a taxi in a foreign town. The taxi driver speeds through a red light. The tourist, frightened, asks

"What are you doing?"

The driver answers:

"Dont worry, I am an expert."

He speeds through more red lights, and the tourist, on the verge of hysteria, co...

Santa Claus had started feeling like he was losing some of his mojo at one point...

... so in recent years, he had taken to periodically stopping during his annual Christmas Eve present run to take in words of wisdom from spiritual leaders from various backgrounds all over the world, hoping that someone could re-ignite that spark for him that made Christmas special.

Eventual...

Why does Bill Gates make for a terrible medical expert?

Because he can't get rid of viruses in Microsoft either.

Have you heard of the expert cartographer?

His skills are pretty legendary.

My 6yo daughter said: Daddy I'm an expert sleeper...

I can do it with my eyes closed..

The world's greatest tongue-twister expert just got arrested.

I bet they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.

OC joke: How to differentiate if a person is a genetics expert or a BDSM enthusiast?

Ask them the opposite of 'dominant'

A boy and his class visit a zoo

At the zoo, a frog expert explains how to tell the difference between male frogs and female frogs. "The male frogs only eat female flies, while the female frogs only eat male flies."

The boy asks "How do you tell the difference between male flies and female flies?"

The frog expert look...

What are the Vatican’s expert hackers called?

A-nun-ymous

Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak

28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands

The experts recommend putting a baby monitor in the nursery with your baby.

Turns out they don't mean the lizard.

Tongue anyone?

A man went to an ethnic restaurant for lunch and asked the waiter if there were any specials that day. The waiter beamed and said, we do have a marvelous tongue salad which our chef is very expert at preparing. The man said “I would never eat anything that came out of a cows mouth. I’d rather die.”<...

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The server joke

So a group of 4 sits down at their favorite restarant and starts chatting.
The server arrives at the table and greets them and starts his normal spiel.
The table is all listening but he sees the gentleman on his left just staring at his server apron.
Her looks at him and asked if there was...

I am an expert on the Dunning-Krueger effect.

It’s the effect that states that anything that can go wrong will

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Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"

Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

What’s the difference between an expert marksman and an owl with diarrhea?

One hits whenever he shoots.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

A Machine Learning Expert at an interview

Interviewer: "What can you say is your biggest strength?"

ML Expert: "I'm an expert in machine learning."

Int.: What's 6 + 10?

ML E.: Zero.

Int.: That's not even close! it's 16!

ML E.: Okay, it's 16.

Int.: What's 10 + 20?

ML E.: It's 16.

The thief was an expert, left no fingerprints behind.

It was a stainless steal.

The owners of a 'Happy Days' themed restaurant are being investigated for fraud for paying existing investors with new investors money.

Experts are referring to it as the world first Fonzie Scheme.

Where the experts are

As the ambulance EMTs are loading a man onto their gurney, the patient asks, “Where are you guys taking me? The county hospital?”
“Nope,” said the EMT. “You need expert medical help, brother. We’re taking you to the comments section.”

The World Expert on Wasps

A man was walking down a quiet street, when something caught his eye in the window of a charity shop. He wandered over to take a closer look, then smiled to himself, nodded, and entered the shop.

He walked up to the counter and said to the man serving there, "Is that record in the window real...

My sister is an expert pastry-maker.

She has to be to stay employed, her job has a high turnover rate.

My girlfriend is a social media expert.

She sent me a long message last month on why Twitter and Instagram are hands down the best Social Media apps.

But I only reddit now.

Crossword expert dies

He was buried 6 down, 3 across.

I really think OSHA should make an OnlyFans account

They're some of the leading experts in NSFW content after all

The museum planned a special exhibit to show off their collection [Long]

The museum planned a special exhibit to show off the collection. They had a wide array of historical music instruments from as far back as the 16th century. The museum planned to arrange a concert with a harpsichord that belonged to Bach and a violin that belonged to Vivaldi, among many other instru...

Why are demolition experts and dominatrixes alike?

They both like wrecking balls

As an expert, I was going to write a self-help book on apathy, called "The A-Bs of Apathy".

But realized I couldn't care less.

At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly.

It was the best balloon giraffe I'd ever seen.

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A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams.

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams. Both teams trained long and hard. When race day came, both teams thought they were in top shape, but the Japanese won by far in the mile.

After the defeat, a defeatist mood prevailed among the ...

I’m an expert on the Dunning-Kruger effect

I’m also an expert at computers, music, math, biology, and chemistry.

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An SEO expert walks into a bar

BARS, TAVERN, TAVERNS, LOUNGE, NIGHT CLUB, MINI BAR, PUB, BEER, GARDEN BEER, WINE, WHISKEY, COCKTAILS

A Halloween story A Hospital in Alabama got a lot of doctors and medical experts baffled over a string of deaths in an ICU at an exact time and same bed

Doctor 1: It's always 10am i tell you! Then it's Flatline!

Doctor 2: I have 3 patients that has a very good chance to live but also died on that same bed and at the same time.

Doctor 3: Mine too.

Doctor 4: I have a patient in there now and its almost 10am. Shall i get him away f...

I want to become an expert in BDSM

But I’m still working out all the kinks

I'm an expert in not finishing anything

I have a black belt in partial arts.

What do you call an amateur expert on fish?

A fishionado

What do you call a Muslim expert on Milk?

A Milk Sheikh

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China’s lack of transparency on virus is fuelling rumors: US experts

It’s basically all this he said Xi said bullshit.

What did the taekwondo expert say to the man with a foot fetish?

Get ready to taste defeat

Don't worry, there are experts who are trained to deal with the coronavirus.

We call them coroners.

A new study revealed that fencing experts are very popular on social media

It turns out the secret to success is just mastering the repostie.

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What do a tropical bird expert and a pornstar have in common?

They both know how to handle a cockatoo.

Which dinosaur was the expert judge in matters of taste?

The Connoissaur

Everyone in town loved old Roger.

He was a friendly and jovial man, always wearing a big smile and treating his customers like they were family.

Roger was a woodworker by trade, specializing in ornate picture frames. Everyone who knew him would agree that he was an expert in his field, perhaps even a gifted prodigy, and he ha...

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A Duck Hunter gets stopped by a Game Warden

The Warden picks up a duck from his sack, sticks his finger in his butt then sniffs it, and says, "This duck is from Mississippi. You gotta license to hunt duck in Mississippi, son?" Yes Sir yes sir, here you go. (Hands him the license and he looks at it then hands it back) It all checked out. <...

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Despite an extensive knowledge of the inter workings of mathematics, the expert mathematician’s favorite equation was 1+2...

That horny bastard just couldn’t get enough of that three sum.

Mrs Smith & The Expert.

The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and they decide to get in some help, by way of a man who is supposed to be an expert in what is needed. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The expert should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell.

Mrs...

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Experts say men think about sex every 7 seconds

I try to eat hot dogs in 6 seconds so things don't get weird...

Our crack team of experts has done the research

They need more crack.

What is a chinese pirate an expert at?

Flying a plane.

An animal prosthetics expert walks into a bar

"What's wrong buddy?" The bartender asked. "You seem down."

"Two whiskies, please. I made a lot of Faux Paws at work today."

An explosives expert liked to blow up bombs beside the city's underground septic lines. One day, while planting a device, he made a fatal mistake...

The newspapers called him a sewer side bomber.

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Experts believe that having too much sex can cause double vision

Does Does
anyone anyone
believe believe
that that
crap? crap?

Eight out of ten experts agree that...

... the other two are idiots who should not be called experts

I’m an expert in idioms

I know them like the front of my hand

Did you hear about that geeky trigonometry expert?

The only angle lacking in his life was secs.

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What's the difference between an expert in five line poems and an expert in eating anus?

One will give you a limerick

The other will give your rim a lick.

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A local expert from the food industry goes on a knowledge exchange trip to Japan

He is visiting a fully automated factory for salami. There is a japanese personnel from the factory that leads the tour and shows how from one end they put a pig and from the other end of the factory a salami comes out. The local guy tries to be smart asking:

\- And is it possible the other w...

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