The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy?

The swallow.

The tough CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!


The CEO ...

Doctor: Okay sir, we're going to deliver the baby now

Man: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver

How to deliver a joke.

I don't know.

You should ask my mother or the doctors who were there during my birth.

What does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery driver have in common?

They can both smell it but they cant eat it

If a pink stork delivers girl babies and a blue stork delivers boy babies, what delivers no babies?

A swallow.

What do call it when you’re helping deliver someone’s baby but everything is going wrong?

A midwife crisis.

A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had no where else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Tommy replied, “Well, then just give me my money back. That’s fine.”

The farmer said, “Sorry, I can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

Tommy then sai...

My 4.5 year old made up his first joke today. What do you call a girl who delivers things?

Dolivia.

I quit my job as a postman the first day when they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

Heard about the train that was in a hurry to deliver coffee? What was it called?

Expresso!

I’m trained to deliver babies.

I’m pretty good at it, but I’m still not sure what I’m supposed to do with the liver.

My drug dealer delivers so fast I nicknamed him...

Instagram

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Pap...

Project Manager:

A person who thinks 9 women can deliver a baby in 1 month.

Guy walks into a bar with a brown paper bag and orders a beer. The barman delivers but notices something moving in the bag and asks what's in it.

Guy puts his hand in the bag and pulls out a small piano, then a tiny chair and finally a miniature guy in a tuxedo that proceeds to sit down and play.

"That's amazing," says the barman. "Where did you get him?"

Guy pulls a genie's lamp out of his jacket.

"Wow, do you mind if I ...

Due to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby

... Little Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom And he began to cry. The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She quickly responded 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank ...

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is beginning to deliver the baby

The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can fini...

What do you call someone who delivers Indian food?

A curry-er.

A Doctor delivers terrible news to his patient...

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine! Eight! Seven! Six....."

Guy is dying and the doctor comes in his room to deliver news

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: Tell me the good news.
Doctor: Well, you have 24 hours left to live.
Guy: And the bad news?
Doctor: I forgot to tell you yesterday.

Why couldn't the Mexican lady deliver her baby in the U.S.?

Because it couldn't get over the uterine wall.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman delivers a baby

The doctor takes the baby, throws it against the wall, smashes it against the hospital equipment, drop-kicks it, etc. The mom starts freaking out, is being held back by nurses screaming "WHYYYYYYY THE FUCK???!?!?"


The doctor then suddenly stops, holds the baby upside down by the ankle a...

When President Trump said he would deliver more jobs than any other president...

I didn't realize he'd do it by constantly hiring replacement White House senior staff.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After years of trying a Chinese couple, the Wong's, finally get pregnant. With much anticipation Mrs. Wong delivers a beautiful Hispanic baby boy..

Mr. Wong names him Sum Ting.

Times are tough and I wanted to make some easy extra cash for the holidays, so I took on a part time job as a postman. However, I quit on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver...

I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: How does a nervous comedian deliver the punchline to a terrible joke about urine?

A: "But um, piss"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Christmas time. A mailman knocks at the door to deliver a package.

A voluptuous blonde answers it: "Hey honey, I'll give you your gift upstairs!"

An up they go, where she proceeds to fuck him senseless. After the deed is done, she brings him coffee and 5 bucks.

"What are the 5 bucks for?" asks the mailman.

"Oh, that was my husbands idea. I aske...

A postman delivers the same things every day.

A postman delivers the same things every day. The man who owns the house walks out and talks to the postman one day.

Man: Why do you deliver the same items everyday?

Postman: because you subscribed to r/jokes

What's funny about a FedEx guy telling a joke about his truck full of Nitrous oxide?

There is nothing funny about the joke, it's his delivery.

Doctor doctor I keep feeling like a woman who delivers babies.

Don’t worry it’s just a mid-wife crisis.

Why does OP never deliver?

[removed]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A study has revealed that curvy hips indicate smart women who deliver intelligent children.

So that's what my son's been looking for on PornHub, a smart woman.

If a stork delivers white babies, and a crow delivers black babies, what kind of bird delivers no babies?

A swallow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New York police officers helped a black woman deliver a baby on the side of the road

Said one officer, “Come out with your hands up!”


- Seth Myers / Writers

You’re about to deliver a great punchline to a blues-rock legend, but you pause for comedic timing.

Tom Waits.

I was woken up by the mailman trying to deliver a washbasin today.

Let that sink in.

I can't find anyone to help me deliver my baby.

I'm having a midwife crisis.

What do you call it when your birthing coach won't come to help you deliver your baby?

A mid-wife crisis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

5 Year Old's First Job

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and
some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when
we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, ...

My wife is helping a local flower shop deliver flowers this week

I told her that when ladies answer the door say, “Here, he ordered these for me, but I thought you deserve them more.”

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day....

Did you hear about the mailman that always delivers the same letter twice?

It's a repost.

A doctor has just helped deliver a baby.

As soon as the baby is in his arms, the baby looks him in the eyes and clearly says, "Are you my daddy?" Stunned by this, the doctor answers, "No, I'm not!"

In amazement, the doctor holds the baby up for the nurse to see whereupon the baby asks the nurse, "Are you my daddy?" Wide-eyed, the nu...

When leaving to deliver presents, where does Santa head first?

South.

Snoop Dogg seems to be investing in a company that will deliver weed to your house in 10 minutes...

Sadly, the name Instagram is taken.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered...

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
<...

Once I got my art degree I didn't need to deliver to people anymore.

Now they come to me, explaining what they want me to create. Then I ask them to pull up to the next window.

What do you call a Jedi knight who delivers babies?

Obi-Gyn Kenobi.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor is getting ready to deliver a baby.

A doctor is getting ready to deliver a baby and the husband walks in. He says he's always wondered what child birth felt like.

The doctor says that they are testing an apparatus that would share the pain with the father.

He agrees and continues with the procedure.

The doctor fi...

My wife hired this nice older woman to help deliver our baby at home, but she showed up to the house in a convertible and with dyed hair.

I think she's going through a midwife crisis.

What do you call it when a woman in her 40s suddenly decides to deliver babies for a living?

A Midwife Crisis

I read a story by a pregnant woman on reddit

She was having trouble with her pregnancy, and she said she would post an update after it was over.

OP delivered.

I discovered the number one reason OP never delivers.

#

Ask /r/personalfinance to draw you a line, they deliver a circle.

They always make ends meet!

Who delivers presents to sharks on Christmas?

Santa Jaws

I started up a poster design company called "Original Poster"

We don't deliver.

What kind of pizzas did Al Qaeda deliver to the World Trade Center?

Two large plains.

I'm always extra nice to the guy who used to deliver my mail.

I'd hate to get into a fist fight with an ex-professional mail boxer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mailman knocks on the door to deliver a package on christmas eve

and a beautiful woman opens the door wearing lingere.

The woman pulls the mailman inside and begins kissing him and removing his clothes.

Confused but enjoying the situation the mailman lets the woman continue and have sex with him.

Afterwards the mailman puts his clothes back...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby...

As the head came out it was dark and had an afro.

The doctor said, "Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?"

"Well, yes, but only once."

"Once is all it takes" he replied.

Then the torso came out and it was yellow.

"Madam, have you ever slept with an Asian man...

After a long search, I finally got a job with FedEx.

OP delivers.

God Delivers?

An shut in old lady was praying one night, "God, I really need groceries, but my body starts to hurt if I walk past my front door. Please help!"

Her upstairs neighbor heard her plea and decided to help out, so he went to the grocery store and bought food for the elderly woman. He knocked on t...

I want to open i pizza place called Original Pizza, so that way if anybody asks if we deliver...

yes, OP delivers.

A coffin maker was on his way to deliver a coffin

...when his car broke down. Trying not to be late he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.

A policeman saw him, told him to stop and asked, "Hey what are you carrying and where are you going?"

The man replied,

"I do not like where I was buried so I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The business man who moved to [nsfw]

A high powered business man moved to the mountains to get away from the hustle and bustle of city life.

For months the only person he saw was the man who delivers his mail.

After 8 months there came a strange knock on the door, when he opens the door, there stood a giant man with a hu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Soviet Spy has been captured in Nazi Germany, and is being interrogated by an SS officer.

A Russian-Speaking Ukrainian Kapo was brought in by the SS officer to be an interpretor.

The officer asks the spy,

"Tell us what information you have stolen, who you deliver it to, and where you deliver it!"

The Kapo translates this message, and the Soviet Spy responds,

"...

Lieutenant Dan has to deliver bad news.

One day, from the office of the General of the Army comes a letter for Lieutenant Dan bearing bad news. Private John's wife had passed away in a horrible car accident.

The General strongly suggested that breaking the news lightly to John would be course of action.
Lieutenant Dan, with hi...

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