The 103+ Best Deliver Jokes

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue sui...

The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy?

The swallow.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

A doctor is delivering a baby. The head comes out and the baby says “Hey, you my dad?”. The doctor is shocked, says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother. The doctors calls the gynaecologist over to have a look.

Again the baby’s head pops out, “Hey, you my dad!?” The gynaecologist says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother.

The doctor and gynaecologist decide they better get the father who was too squeamish to be in the delivery room.

So the father looks between his wife’s legs. The b...

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

Why does OP never deliver?

[removed]

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Pap...

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Tommy replied, “Well, then j...

Light babies are delivered by stork, heavy babies...

Delivered by crane.

Creating a joke is one thing. But delivering it is another.

I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.

I quit my new job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

One day at church, a priest delivers a sermon about the importance of forgiving your enemies.

When he is a third of the way through the sermon, he says, "Raise your hand if you are now willing to forgive your enemies." Half of the people in the church raise their hands, so the priest continues the sermon.

When he is two thirds of the way through the sermon, he says, "Raise your hand i...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk in to deliver blood.

The priest says- “I’m a type A”

The minister says- “I’m a type B”

The rabbit says- “I think I’m a typo”

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One of my favourite jokes from one of my favourite movies, Desperado. Originally delivered by my favourite director, Quentin Tarantino

This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says...

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Delivering The Best Toast

A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."

When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. "I won the co...

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A mailman is delivering the mail to one of the houses on his route when he and the woman who lives there begin chatting. As the conversation continues, he notices a sheet hanging up in the middle of the living room with a small hole in it.

The mailman says, “So, may I ask what’s with the sheet hanging up?” She says, “Ahh yes. Last night we had a bunch of folks over and decided to play a game. The men got on one side of the sheet and the women got on the other. The men took turns putting their cocks in the hole and then the women would...

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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey...

In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of delivering a baby.

She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. “Look also on the other side,” said the poor creature, “my husband hath oft taken that road.”

[This is translated from a joke book from the Middle ...

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Thieves stole a truck that was delivering Viagra

The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

A Muslim delivered my lunch today.

Didn't realise I was eating Allah carte.

A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had no where else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

What vegetable can be delivered by a postman?

Lettuce

If Hooters started delivering

Would they change their name to knockers?

Amazon has come up with a new service where they deliver custom made suits within 48 hours.

It’s called Tailor Swift.

Who do the doctors send to deliver unfortunate news to the patients family?

The ultrasound guy

I started a service to deliver groceries to little old ladies.

It's called Spinstacart.

A father-to-be was waiting anxiously outside the labour ward where his wife was delivering a baby.

A nurse came up to the man and said, 'You have a girl, but there's another one on the way, so come back soon.'

'Twins,' he thought, a little shakily. He went away and came back an hour later to be told that the second baby had been born, but there was still another on the way.

'Good gr...

I got thousands of letters delivered to my house today

That's the last time I order a dictionary from Ikea

Someone asked me to help deliver a baby, but...

Don't babies need their livers?

Jim is delivering a truckload of penguins to the zoo

His truck breaks down on the side of the highway and he has no clue what to do. Luckily a friendly fellow with another truck stopped and asked if the guy needed any help. Jim asks the man if he wouldn't mind taking the penguins to the zoo for him, and he would give him $100.

"Sure" the friend...

Nurse: "Please wait 5 minutes for me to deliver your baby".

Patient: "No thanks, I'd like my baby to keep her liver".

what did Walter White say when delivering a pizza

it's on the house

Smaller babies are always delivered by stork...

but the heavier ones need to be delivered by **crane**.

What meal kit deliver service does a cannibal use?

Hello flesh

When the doctor delivered my son. He announced he's going to be a farmer!

I asked how he could tell.
He said, "because he's crying already."

A man goes to his doctor and, after many tests, the doctor delivers the bad news.

Doctor: I'm sorry to tell you, but it's terminal.
Man: How long do I have left?
Doctor: Five
Man: Five what? Years? Months?.... WEEKS??!
Doctor: Four... three...

Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19

He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation

I got a new job delivering pizzas.

Nobody really likes liver on pizza anyways.

A mother was having a baby and the father was out of the room eating food. A nurse ran up to the father and told him “the doctor is ready to deliver your baby”…

The father looked at the nurse with a scared face and said “I’d rather my baby be born with a liver.”

I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.

Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.

A nervous young woman was sitting on dentist chair " I'd rather deliver a baby than having my teeth pulled out "

Dentist " if that's the case , let me just adjust the chair to a better position"

What did the female reindeers do when their boyfriends were off of Santa delivering presents on Christmas Eve?

They went to the nearest pub and blew a few bucks.

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Santa slides down the chimney to deliver some presents... (long)

As he's unloading his sack a beautiful young lady saunters into the living room wearing a robe She walks up to Santa and rubs her hand softly down his back.

"Santa, would you like to stay for a bit?" she asks as she playfully opens the top of her robe a bit.

"Ho, Ho, Ho, gotta go, got...

I ordered my ex wife food she hates and had Uber Eats deliver it...

Because revenge is a dish best served cold

The amount of work it took for me to deliver the joke wasn't worth the final result.

I'm sure my mom can sympathize.

Do storks deliver babies?

An OB/GYN walks into a bar and orders a beer. "So do all those storks delivering babies cut into your business?" the bartender jokes. "That, of course, is a complete myth," the stuffy OB/GYN huffs. "The only thing storks and obstetricians have in common is a large bill."

When President Trump said he would deliver more jobs than any other president...

I didn't realize he'd do it by constantly hiring replacement White House senior staff.

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Why did the mailman deliver your memes 10 days late?

Because he was a shitposter.

My wife asked me what's in the giant box they just delivered to my porch.

I said it's a condom.

Why wife keeps telling me to stop singing "stand and deliver" every day because it's too dated and 80s.

I refused. I was Adam ant.

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On a fine Monday morning Dave the postman was walking around his usual root, delivering mail.

He saw that at the next house both cars were in the driveway, he’s a bit shocked by this but he sees the homeowner, Greg, walking out with a ton of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles to go into the recycling bin.

Dave looks for a moment and then says “We’ll damn, you guys sure had one hell o...

A young seminary graduate was delivering his first sermon...

When the young seminary graduate arrived at the small country Church to preach his first official sermon, he noticed it had snowed about three feet deep just hours before Church was scheduled to begin. Due to the snow, An elderly, white bearded farmer was the only person to show up for the service.<...

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I had to go to the hospital to help my wife deliver a baby

While I was there my wife suddenly started freaking out about what if the baby came out with a birth defect. Everything was going through her head from it having six toes to having three heads. Eventually it got bad enough that a doctor had to come in and calm her down. Her first question was what w...

I’m so thankful for the people who deliver pizza

I’ve always hated liver!

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This is from a time when men delivered milk to people's houses, and when Old Lady Doris ordered 40 gallons of milk.

Mr. Mike the Milk Man paused at the end of her driveway and scratched his head. What would Old Lady Doris want 40 gallons of milk for? There must be some mistake. So instead of just delivering it to her porch, he knocked on the door.

Old Lady Doris answered in her housecoat.

"Hi Doris,...

Three bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...

"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, who had a heart attack while making love to his mistress, hence the smile." says the coroner.

Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won the lottery and spent all hi...

Originally delivered by Miss Piggy, I present the SHORTEST JOKE EVER:

"Pretentious? ...*MOI ? "*

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is beginning to deliver the baby

The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can fini...

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Guy walks into a bar with a brown paper bag and orders a beer. The barman delivers but notices something moving in the bag and asks what's in it.

Guy puts his hand in the bag and pulls out a small piano, then a tiny chair and finally a miniature guy in a tuxedo that proceeds to sit down and play.

"That's amazing," says the barman. "Where did you get him?"

Guy pulls a genie's lamp out of his jacket.

"Wow, do you mind if I ...

I was delivering a sermon to my congregation the other day.

After I mentioned a rude joke that compared The Dark Knight Rises to the torturous pits of Hell, I saw one man angrily stand up and storm out. I was in complete shock.

It was the first time I’d ever seen a Christian Bale.

One day Jesus was delivering a sermon to his flock. "The path to the Lord lies at y=x2−4x+2". A passer-by leans over to Peter and whispers "what's he banging on about?"

Peter replies "don't worry, it's just one of his parabolas"

How do you deliver gym equipment to Hogwarts?

Through the dumbbell door.

No one delivers a punch line like Will Smith.

No one receives a punch like Chris Rock.

I was asked to deliver a eulogy at a funeral that is scheduled for 5:00am.

I had to decline. I'm not much of a mourning person.

Why do pizza places always deliver the pizza before giving it to you

They should just avoid putting the liver in the first place

Why doesn't Santa deliver presents to Captain Nemo?

Because he's on the Nautilus

My husband just interrupted my work from home to deliver this one.

The door opened, and in popped my husband's head.

**Him:** "Hey, Jennifer, what do you call a Jennifer with extra hairy legs?"

**Me, rolling my eyes at him:** "A Jennifer Spider?"

**Him:** "Nope. A SASS-SQUATCH"

In totally unrelated news: He'll be eating boiled chicken an...

How does a Jewish doctor get paid for delivering babies?

He just keeps the tips...

(We're all going to Hell anyway)

Two men are delivering a very heavy safe into an aparment building.

They were an old man and a young man. They both walk up with the heavy safe for one floor and then the second floor, completely out of breath they stop for a bit just to catch some air.

They do one more floor and are completely exhausted. The old man says,

"Look on the safe, it says it...

I was delivering a parcel. I walked up to the front door and knocked, before noticing a sign.

"If not in, leave with neighbours."

I tried one more time and nobody answered, so I walked to their neighbour's front door.

A young couple answered. I said, "Get in the van, I've been told to take you with me."

So, I delivered a baby today...

Easily my weirdest day at FedEx.

I'm joking, of course.

I work for UPS.

Why can Santa Claus still deliver presents this year?

He has Santabodies

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Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**

**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

If you think Amazon is going to deliver what you ordered...

...you've got another thing coming.

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I once had donuts delivered to my favorite strip club

The baker asked how many strippers were there and I said there were six. He sent them two donuts each. He remarked, "You know, that works out pretty evenly!" and I said, "Yeah, dozen tit?"

Did you know it costs more at Israeli hospitals to deliver a boy than a girl?

You have to leave a tip at the hospital.

Santa is only delivering presents to a city in the south of France of this year.

Apparently no one else is on the Nice list!

A guy delivered food to his former girlfriend.

Fed Ex.

LPT: Don't get your animals delivered.

It turns out they need their liver.

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A doctor is getting ready to deliver a baby.

A doctor is getting ready to deliver a baby and the husband walks in. He says he's always wondered what child birth felt like.

The doctor says that they are testing an apparatus that would share the pain with the father.

He agrees and continues with the procedure.

The doctor fi...

I started a service to deliver kosher food.

I’m calling it Jewber.

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up a letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
<...

My girlfriend says she can't cope with delivering any more babies.

I think it's just a midwife crisis.

What kind of pizzas did Al Qaeda deliver to the World Trade Center?

Two large plains.

I'm terrible at delivering jokes

You're lucky to be alive

Zomato guy entered bank to deliver lunch,

they told him come after lunch time.

How to deliver a joke.

I don't know.

You should ask my mother or the doctors who were there during my birth.

What do you call an app that delivers drugs to you, whenever you need it?

Instagram.

I just thought of this while scrolling Reddit and i just had to post it

Hopefully everyone delivering quads today sees their opportunity...

"May the 4th be with you"

These days, people are always having their food delivered.

Why don't they just order it without the livers?

When I was younger I distinctly remember a woman with a snake knocking on our door every December 31st to deliver fresh fruit. As a child I was terrified.

But when I got older I realised it was just new years Eve.

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10 husbands, still a virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales r...

Once I got my art degree I didn't need to deliver to people anymore.

Now they come to me, explaining what they want me to create. Then I ask them to pull up to the next window.

My boss sent me an email in big, dark letters demanding that I personally deliver my report to him ASAP…

I’ve got to hand it to him, that was pretty bold.

I’m trained to deliver babies.

I’m pretty good at it, but I’m still not sure what I’m supposed to do with the liver.

What do all the Female Reindeer do when Santa takes the crew out to deliver presents? (NSFW)

They go into town and blow a few bucks. ;)

Happy holidays everyone! Wish you all good health & wealth in the New Year!

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Beautiful woman

A bloke is sitting in the bar at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.

He presumes, because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for ...

I like the way that the main actress in Interstellar delivered her lines

She just Hathaway with words

A Mailman is Delivering Some Mail Around a Neighborhood.

A little girl goes up to the mailman and asks:

“Why are you doing your job for free? You should be payed some money for your services.”

The Mailman says: “Oh honey, It’s not about the money. it’s about sending a message.”

My dog just lazes around the house waiting for his next meal to be delivered.

He's a Door Dash Hound

The world's richest man is dying...

The world's richest man is dying. He has made peace with that.

But what is bothering him so much is that no one in the afterlife will even know that he has amassed such a colossal personal fortune. On Earth, everyone knows he's a self-made man who built this huge fortune from scratch, but he...

Throughout my career, I have delivered many babies.

I have always enjoyed parents's look when they see their kids returned to them safely and unharmed after they pay me the ransom I asked.

Heard about the train that was in a hurry to deliver coffee? What was it called?

Expresso!

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