A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Tommy replied, “Well, then j...

Babies shouldn't be delivered.

Livers are important.

I was exhausted after work today. I delivered a roll of bubble wrap. The lady said just pop it in the corner.

It took me 7 hours.

What do you call a mailman who only delivers bills on his route?

Bill Parcells

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[NSFW] A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a swe...

The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy?

The swallow.

How to deliver a joke.

I don't know.

You should ask my mother or the doctors who were there during my birth.

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A man's at a restaurant in spain and he sees a waiter delivering two huge, round meatballs to the next table.

A man's at a restaurant in spain and he sees a waiter delivering two huge, round meatballs to the next table.
he calls a waiter over and says he wants the same but the waiter says, ah senor, there is only one dish per day, they are the testicles of the bull killed at the bullfight today
the ma...

Creating a joke is one thing. But delivering it is another.

I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.

My gf works for the government but just delivered the message to me that she wants to break up...

Guess she's now my Fed Ex...

A mail man is delivering a package when he realises that the send to address is the same as the send back to address

This package keeps getting sent around in a circle for weeks before he finally sees a man come and get it.

“I’m sorry for snooping , but I have to ask, why do you keep sending this one package to yourself everyday. It’s just weird,”

The odd old man replies” well my fellow man, reposts ...

What's the difference between delivering a baby in the US and Canada?

In Canada, you get free shipping.

A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had no where else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

Doctor: Okay sir, we're going to deliver the baby now

Man: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver

I quit my job as a postman the first day when they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby’s father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%.

However, as t...

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One day a woman delivers a baby in the hospital...

The doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, swinging it around his head by its legs etc. The mother starts freaking out, crying hysterically and needed to be held back by the nurses.
Finally she screams, and begs the doctor *“WHYYYY!!?? WHY...

A cannibal is on trial, and with insurmountable evidence against him he stands and delivers his final argument.

Your honour, I’m not a cannibal, I’m a humanitarian!

If a pink stork delivers girl babies and a blue stork delivers boy babies, what delivers no babies?

A swallow.

I got thousands of letters delivered to my house today

That's the last time I order a dictionary from Ikea

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An Englishman is delivering four monkeys to Dublin zoo when his van breaks down

Stopped at the side of the road he sees Paddy in an empty van behind him so he flags him down.

“Alright mate, I’m in a spot of bother here, If I give you fifty quid will you bring these monkeys down to the zoo for me?” says the Englishman

“No bother at all, load them up” says Paddy a...

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Pap...

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

.... The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She ...

My drug dealer delivers so fast I nicknamed him...

Instagram

A guy delivered food to his former girlfriend.

Fed Ex.

What do call it when you’re helping deliver someone’s baby but everything is going wrong?

A midwife crisis.

A man is on an elevator delivering jokes to children at a children's hospital when someone gets off at a floor and asks "Do you need to make a delivery on this floor?"

The man replies "no, this joke is next level"

My 4.5 year old made up his first joke today. What do you call a girl who delivers things?

Dolivia.

Due to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby

... Little Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom And he began to cry. The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She quickly responded 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank ...

I’m trained to deliver babies.

I’m pretty good at it, but I’m still not sure what I’m supposed to do with the liver.

Heard about the train that was in a hurry to deliver coffee? What was it called?

Expresso!

Guy walks into a bar with a brown paper bag and orders a beer. The barman delivers but notices something moving in the bag and asks what's in it.

Guy puts his hand in the bag and pulls out a small piano, then a tiny chair and finally a miniature guy in a tuxedo that proceeds to sit down and play.

"That's amazing," says the barman. "Where did you get him?"

Guy pulls a genie's lamp out of his jacket.

"Wow, do you mind if I ...

If babies are delivered by a stork,

Then fat babies must be delivered by a crane.

What’s the name of a group of superheroes who instead of fighting crime, deliver nicotine?

The Juulstice League

The President of the United States delivered a speech in Algeria recently...

"I would first like to apologise to the fine people of Algeria that I can not address them in their own language. Unfortunately, I was never that good at algebra."

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One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail.

As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Dave, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Dave, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last nig...

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A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman.

He noticed her sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there'
..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not lookin...

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is beginning to deliver the baby

The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can fini...

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shakin...

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man...

What do you call someone who delivers Indian food?

A curry-er.

A boy desperately needs money to buy a new car

However, his mother forcibly tells him no. The boy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car.

Weeks later, the boy tells hi...

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A thief breaks into a house...

As he is looting the house, he realizes that the home owner returned, so he decided to hide.

As he is looking for a hiding spot he find four large metal containers with various things in them, he hides in the last one and waits for the owner to leave again.

As the owner returned he kno...

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A mailman was delivering a package around Christmas

A mailman was delivering a package around Christmas, when the woman who owns the home invited him in. She starts to unbutton his shirt and unbuckle his belt. Things start to get heavy and she takes him to the bedroom. They have sex. After the mailman gets dressed to leave, the woman says, “oh I almo...

The mail gets delivered and...

The mail gets delivered and this busy Mom sees that she has been given mail for her neighbor. She scoops up her baby and goes out to deliver it to the correct house. She walks a couple houses down and pops the mail into the mailbox. Almost immediately her baby starts making a sound like a tuning for...

A mailman delivered the same letter...

... everyday to a house. Day after day the owner saw the mailman come, out the letter in the mailbox and leave. One day his curiosity got the best of him and he asked the mailman why he’s putting the same letter there everyday. The mailman looked at him and said, “Because, this is a repost.”

Sansa: Hey, so I really like this cute top I saw on Amazon and want it to be delivered through Prime ASAP. What shipping speed shall I select?

Arya: Not two day.

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Had to contact amazon, my sex toy wasnt delivered by drone.

They said they dont give a flying fuck.

When President Trump said he would deliver more jobs than any other president...

I didn't realize he'd do it by constantly hiring replacement White House senior staff.

A Doctor delivers terrible news to his patient...

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine! Eight! Seven! Six....."

Why do women make terrible truck drivers?

Because you give them a full load, and they take 9 months to deliver.

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day....

The year is 2219

A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the n...

The neighborhood postman was retiring after 30 years.

On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a drink.

As he was putting the mail in the mailbox of the last house, t...

Guy is dying and the doctor comes in his room to deliver news

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: Tell me the good news.
Doctor: Well, you have 24 hours left to live.
Guy: And the bad news?
Doctor: I forgot to tell you yesterday.

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My penis is 12 inches....

.... delivered in 3 quick installments.

A 90 year old farmer goes to the banker for a loan to buy land.

The banker has some concerns due to the old codgers age.
"What happens if you die before the loan is paid off?" The banker asks.
"I'll send you a check from heavan, because God would want all my obligations taken care of," The old farmer answered.
"But what if you go the other direction?" t...

The tough CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!


The CEO ...

An oldie, but a goodie.

A husband and wife are in the delivery room, she is going into labor and in intensive pain.
The doctor tells the husband they have a new piece of tech that can share the labor pains with the Father.
The husband is skeptical, but decides to do this to help his wife. The device shares the pain...

Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except Abortion jokes

because there is no delivery.

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Three insurance salesmen were each boasting about there service.

The first one said, "Last month, when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within six hours. A check was mailed to his wife the next day." "That's nothing," says the second salesman. "Last week, when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within forty-five minutes. That afternoon...

I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino. After four weeks, they still hadn’t been delivered, so I called them up to see what was going on...

They told me they were still dealing with my order…

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Three men are dying...

Three old men are on their deathbeds. The first says "I've lived a good life. I've supported my family, I've donated to charity, I've lived a good life. But my greatest disappointment is never having sex with an absolutely beautiful woman."

The second man says "I'm a very rich man. I have sev...

The Fed Ex driver only delivered part of my grizzly costume

I was so mad, I choked him with my bear hands

Doctor doctor I keep feeling like a woman who delivers babies.

Don’t worry it’s just a mid-wife crisis.

What did Santa say when he delivered presents at the Kardashians?

Ho ho ho!




I’m sorry I need help.

21 Floors

three idiots tried to deliver a fridge to an apartment of 21 floor

in 1 hour they reached floor N 20

one of them got upstares to check how many floors left

so he came back and told them:" I have two news, one is bad and one is good"

Them: start with the good news
...

Times are tough and I wanted to make some easy extra cash for the holidays, so I took on a part time job as a postman. However, I quit on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver...

I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”

My girlfriend says she can't cope with delivering any more babies.

I think it's just a midwife crisis.

A man was rushing to the hospital

His wife was already there, giving birth to twins. However, the man, is his haste, failed to see a car coming from his left. The wreck was, thankfully, unsubstantial. The man was unscratched, but unconcious.

He woke up, hours later, in his bed. His brother noticed he had finally woken up and ...

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After years of trying a Chinese couple, the Wong's, finally get pregnant. With much anticipation Mrs. Wong delivers a beautiful Hispanic baby boy..

Mr. Wong names him Sum Ting.

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and i...

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The day the postman retires.

A postman is delivering letters on his last day before retirement, he walks up some steps onto a porch and puts some mail through the slot in the door. He starts to walk down the stairs when he hears the door opening, he looks back and there’s a lady in a robe. She takes his hand and they go upstair...

I got a new letterbox the other day and finally had something delivered to it,

[Post Removed]

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Christmas time. A mailman knocks at the door to deliver a package.

A voluptuous blonde answers it: "Hey honey, I'll give you your gift upstairs!"

An up they go, where she proceeds to fuck him senseless. After the deed is done, she brings him coffee and 5 bucks.

"What are the 5 bucks for?" asks the mailman.

"Oh, that was my husbands idea. I aske...

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Boris Johnson walks into a pub...

Boris Johnson walks into a pub and asks for a pint. The barman draws it & throws it into his face. 'Why did you do that?' 'You asked for a pint, but you didn't say how you wanted it delivered.' Boris: ‘I'll have a pint in a pint glass.' 'No. You can't ask again.' 'Why not?' 'Democracy.'

What's the worst part about delivering salt in the winter

The work is only seasonal

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A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted ...

you might think babies are delivered by storks

but fat babies require cranes

An Italian cuisine delivery guy crashed on a highway while delivering food...

He pasta way.

The Post Office has been mis-delivering mails lately...

...this issue has to be seriously addressed.

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Mailman is making his rounds on his very last day of work. After 25 years on the same route the day had finally come. He was a good mailman and well liked. Therefor many of his regulars had little cookies and parting gifts for him. All was going well until he got to the Smith residence.

When he came to the door and was about to deliver the letters, Mrs. Smith opened the door in a sexy lingerie holding a plate of cookies and invited him in. The mailman, not wanting to be rude took a few cookies, stepped inside and said thank you. As he was about to leave, she said " oh no, we're...

Praying for salvation...

One rainy day, a very religious woman was standing on her front porch watching as the river across the street started to rise up its banks. A policeman drove down the road and saw her, pulled his cruiser up her drive, and got out.

"Excuse me miss," he called over to the woman, "but the rains ...

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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 ...

A famous professor is going around giving lectures. After he finishes one up in Denver, he climbs into his car and talks to his driver.

"Hey Bill, take me back to the hotel please"

"Yes sir. Ya know, Dr. Diller, I've heard your lecture so many times I bet I could recite it word for word"

"Oh, you really think so? Well, if I ever can't make it to a conference one day, I'll take you up on that bet."

Well, believe ...

Why does OP never deliver?

[removed]

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A Jew family is fixing their roof.

Father: "Son go ask our neighbor Jacob for his hammer please."

So the son goes to Jacob's house and asks for it.

Jacob: "No way, it's brand new and you're going to waste it. Go ask someone else."

The son goes back to his father and delivers the news.

Father: "Jesus, he wo...

A postman delivers the same things every day.

A postman delivers the same things every day. The man who owns the house walks out and talks to the postman one day.

Man: Why do you deliver the same items everyday?

Postman: because you subscribed to r/jokes

Greek Philosopher Gets A Suit

A Greek Philosopher walks into a tailor's office and asks for 300 suits to be delivered to him.


The tailor offers some proposals: "I can send those in plastic bags, or I could even send those in parcels."


The Greek philosopher replies : "no, no, no I would like them to be deliv...

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A man is alone in an airport lounge.

A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans acros...

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Q: How does a nervous comedian deliver the punchline to a terrible joke about urine?

A: "But um, piss"

What did the blacksmith say to the knight when he delivered the knight’s new armor?

You’ve got mail

A Mafia Leader Is Robbed By One of His Foreign Non-English Speaking Associate

The leader figures out who stole the money and hires a translator in order to properly communicate.

Leader: So you're the one who had the guts to steal my money?

Translator (proceeds): He said he didn't do it.

Leader: Tell him to cut the bulls*** and tell me how much he stole....

When I turned 40 years old I started delivering babies but kept making errors

I was having a midwife crisis

What does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery driver have in common?

They can both smell it but they cant eat it

Who delivered the mail back when Jesus was alive?

The apostal service

A man was driving at 96 mph in a 70 mph zone when a cop pulls him over. As the officer gets to the window he says "license and registration sir." And the man replies with "I don't have a license or registration. I'm just delivering these drugs in the back."

The police officer is dumbfounded and calls in for backup. The k-9 unit shows up along with at least 5 other cruisers and the police chief. After a lengthy searching from officers and their drug dogs, nothing is ever found. The chief walks over to the man and says "Son there aren't any drugs in this...

OBgyn: I will be delivering your baby boy.

Mom to be: Actually, I prefer that he keeps his liver.

A young seminary graduate was delivering his first sermon...

When the young seminary graduate arrived at the small country Church to preach his first official sermon, he noticed it had snowed about three feet deep just hours before Church was scheduled to begin. Due to the snow, An elderly, white bearded farmer was the only person to show up for the service.<...

What do you call a letter thats never sure if it wants to be delivered or not?

Femail

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch...

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I ...

Two parents are taking their newborn son for a stroll. A passerby looks into the carriage and exclaims, "What a beautiful baby!". The father thanks the passerby, and added, "Yes, my son here is some of my best work!"

The mother, slightly miffed, asks her husband, "Why did you take all the credit? I carried this baby for none months. I delivered him after 10 hours of labor. All you did was have10 minutes of fun!"

The husband replied, "When you have a good meal, who do you thank? The chef or the oven?"<...

A 17-year-old boy who works part time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of his house in a beautiful Porche

Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.
“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.

“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly.

“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how mu...

After a long search, I finally got a job with FedEx.

OP delivers.

Did you know, the Post Office considered delivering post by Missle?

Really puts the term 'letter bomb' in a whole new light.

If a stork delivers white babies, and a crow delivers black babies, what kind of bird delivers no babies?

A swallow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A study has revealed that curvy hips indicate smart women who deliver intelligent children.

So that's what my son's been looking for on PornHub, a smart woman.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New York police officers helped a black woman deliver a baby on the side of the road

Said one officer, “Come out with your hands up!”


- Seth Myers / Writers

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