Deliver Jokes - 105 Hilarious Deliver Jokes

Why does OP never deliver?

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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy?

The swallow.

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

Light babies are delivered by stork, heavy babies...

Delivered by crane.

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue sui...

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Delivering The Best Toast

A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."

When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. "I won the co...

Creating a joke is one thing. But delivering it is another.

I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk in to deliver blood.

The priest says- “I’m a type A”

The minister says- “I’m a type B”

The rabbit says- “I think I’m a typo”

I quit my new job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Tommy replied, “Well, then j...

One day at church, a priest delivers a sermon about the importance of forgiving your enemies.

When he is a third of the way through the sermon, he says, "Raise your hand if you are now willing to forgive your enemies." Half of the people in the church raise their hands, so the priest continues the sermon.

When he is two thirds of the way through the sermon, he says, "Raise your hand i...

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Pap...

A Muslim delivered my lunch today.

Didn't realise I was eating Allah carte.

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I've started a non-profit that delivers dildos and vibrators to women in need...

It's called "Toys for Twats".

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One of my favourite jokes from one of my favourite movies, Desperado. Originally delivered by my favourite director, Quentin Tarantino

This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says...

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Thieves stole a truck that was delivering Viagra

The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

If Hooters started delivering

Would they change their name to knockers?

What vegetable can be delivered by a postman?

Lettuce

I bought some pets online, and just had them delivered.

Turns out they need their liver.

In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of delivering a baby.

She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. “Look also on the other side,” said the poor creature, “my husband hath oft taken that road.”

[This is translated from a joke book from the Middle ...

Smaller babies are always delivered by stork...

but the heavier ones need to be delivered by **crane**.

Someone asked me to help deliver a baby, but...

Don't babies need their livers?

I got thousands of letters delivered to my house today

That's the last time I order a dictionary from Ikea

After every president’s annual physical, the doctor always delivers the same news.

“Mr. President, the good news is that you have both sides of your brain. The bad news is that on the left side, nothing is right; and on the right side, nothing is left.”

Jim is delivering a truckload of penguins to the zoo

His truck breaks down on the side of the highway and he has no clue what to do. Luckily a friendly fellow with another truck stopped and asked if the guy needed any help. Jim asks the man if he wouldn't mind taking the penguins to the zoo for him, and he would give him $100.

"Sure" the friend...

A doctor is delivering a baby. The head comes out and the baby says “Hey, you my dad?”. The doctor is shocked, says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother. The doctors calls the gynaecologist over to have a look.

Again the baby’s head pops out, “Hey, you my dad!?” The gynaecologist says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother.

The doctor and gynaecologist decide they better get the father who was too squeamish to be in the delivery room.

So the father looks between his wife’s legs. The b...

Do storks deliver babies?

An OB/GYN walks into a bar and orders a beer. "So do all those storks delivering babies cut into your business?" the bartender jokes. "That, of course, is a complete myth," the stuffy OB/GYN huffs. "The only thing storks and obstetricians have in common is a large bill."

What meal kit deliver service does a cannibal use?

Hello flesh

I started a service to deliver groceries to little old ladies.

It's called Spinstacart.

what did Walter White say when delivering a pizza

it's on the house

Who do the doctors send to deliver unfortunate news to the patients family?

The ultrasound guy

Nurse: "Please wait 5 minutes for me to deliver your baby".

Patient: "No thanks, I'd like my baby to keep her liver".

I got a new job delivering pizzas.

Nobody really likes liver on pizza anyways.

Amazon has come up with a new service where they deliver custom made suits within 48 hours.

It’s called Tailor Swift.

A young seminary graduate was delivering his first sermon...

When the young seminary graduate arrived at the small country Church to preach his first official sermon, he noticed it had snowed about three feet deep just hours before Church was scheduled to begin. Due to the snow, An elderly, white bearded farmer was the only person to show up for the service.<...

A father-to-be was waiting anxiously outside the labour ward where his wife was delivering a baby.

A nurse came up to the man and said, 'You have a girl, but there's another one on the way, so come back soon.'

'Twins,' he thought, a little shakily. He went away and came back an hour later to be told that the second baby had been born, but there was still another on the way.

'Good gr...

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Santa slides down the chimney to deliver some presents... (long)

As he's unloading his sack a beautiful young lady saunters into the living room wearing a robe She walks up to Santa and rubs her hand softly down his back.

"Santa, would you like to stay for a bit?" she asks as she playfully opens the top of her robe a bit.

"Ho, Ho, Ho, gotta go, got...

When the doctor delivered my son. He announced he's going to be a farmer!

I asked how he could tell.
He said, "because he's crying already."

I’m so thankful for the people who deliver pizza

I’ve always hated liver!

How do you deliver gym equipment to Hogwarts?

Through the dumbbell door.

So, I delivered a baby today...

Easily my weirdest day at FedEx.

I'm joking, of course.

I work for UPS.

Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19

He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation

When President Trump said he would deliver more jobs than any other president...

I didn't realize he'd do it by constantly hiring replacement White House senior staff.

Why doesn't Santa deliver presents to Captain Nemo?

Because he's on the Nautilus

A man goes to his doctor and, after many tests, the doctor delivers the bad news.

Doctor: I'm sorry to tell you, but it's terminal.
Man: How long do I have left?
Doctor: Five
Man: Five what? Years? Months?.... WEEKS??!
Doctor: Four... three...

I ordered my ex wife food she hates and had Uber Eats deliver it...

Because revenge is a dish best served cold

No one delivers a punch line like Will Smith.

No one receives a punch like Chris Rock.

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The farmer sells his horse for $2000 to a buyer at the market.

The farmer initially promises to deliver the horse to the man in a week, but halfway through that week, the horse dies.

The farmer offers to return the money, but the man decides to proceed with the purchase. In the following week, the farmer encounters the man and inquires about the fate of...

I'm terrible at delivering jokes

You're lucky to be alive

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up a letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
<...

Originally delivered by Miss Piggy, I present the SHORTEST JOKE EVER:

"Pretentious? ...*MOI ? "*

A guy delivered food to his former girlfriend.

Fed Ex.

How to deliver a joke.

I don't know.

You should ask my mother or the doctors who were there during my birth.

I was delivering a sermon to my congregation the other day.

After I mentioned a rude joke that compared The Dark Knight Rises to the torturous pits of Hell, I saw one man angrily stand up and storm out. I was in complete shock.

It was the first time I’d ever seen a Christian Bale.

Why can Santa Claus still deliver presents this year?

He has Santabodies

How does a Jewish doctor get paid for delivering babies?

He just keeps the tips...

(We're all going to Hell anyway)

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I had to go to the hospital to help my wife deliver a baby

While I was there my wife suddenly started freaking out about what if the baby came out with a birth defect. Everything was going through her head from it having six toes to having three heads. Eventually it got bad enough that a doctor had to come in and calm her down. Her first question was what w...

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A doctor is getting ready to deliver a baby.

A doctor is getting ready to deliver a baby and the husband walks in. He says he's always wondered what child birth felt like.

The doctor says that they are testing an apparatus that would share the pain with the father.

He agrees and continues with the procedure.

The doctor fi...

I started a service to deliver kosher food.

I’m calling it Jewber.

My wife asked me what's in the giant box they just delivered to my porch.

I said it's a condom.

Zomato guy entered bank to deliver lunch,

they told him come after lunch time.

The amount of work it took for me to deliver the joke wasn't worth the final result.

I'm sure my mom can sympathize.

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I once had donuts delivered to my favorite strip club

The baker asked how many strippers were there and I said there were six. He sent them two donuts each. He remarked, "You know, that works out pretty evenly!" and I said, "Yeah, dozen tit?"

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A mailman is delivering the mail to one of the houses on his route when he and the woman who lives there begin chatting. As the conversation continues, he notices a sheet hanging up in the middle of the living room with a small hole in it.

The mailman says, “So, may I ask what’s with the sheet hanging up?” She says, “Ahh yes. Last night we had a bunch of folks over and decided to play a game. The men got on one side of the sheet and the women got on the other. The men took turns putting their cocks in the hole and then the women would...

My husband just interrupted my work from home to deliver this one.

The door opened, and in popped my husband's head.

**Him:** "Hey, Jennifer, what do you call a Jennifer with extra hairy legs?"

**Me, rolling my eyes at him:** "A Jennifer Spider?"

**Him:** "Nope. A SASS-SQUATCH"

In totally unrelated news: He'll be eating boiled chicken an...

I’m trained to deliver babies.

I’m pretty good at it, but I’m still not sure what I’m supposed to do with the liver.

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On a fine Monday morning Dave the postman was walking around his usual root, delivering mail.

He saw that at the next house both cars were in the driveway, he’s a bit shocked by this but he sees the homeowner, Greg, walking out with a ton of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles to go into the recycling bin.

Dave looks for a moment and then says “We’ll damn, you guys sure had one hell o...

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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey...

If you think Amazon is going to deliver what you ordered...

...you've got another thing coming.

Why do pizza places always deliver the pizza before giving it to you

They should just avoid putting the liver in the first place

What did the female reindeers do when their boyfriends were off of Santa delivering presents on Christmas Eve?

They went to the nearest pub and blew a few bucks.

Two men are delivering a very heavy safe into an aparment building.

They were an old man and a young man. They both walk up with the heavy safe for one floor and then the second floor, completely out of breath they stop for a bit just to catch some air.

They do one more floor and are completely exhausted. The old man says,

"Look on the safe, it says it...

Which superhero delivers the morning paper?

The newspaperman!

Hopefully everyone delivering quads today sees their opportunity...

"May the 4th be with you"

Why wife keeps telling me to stop singing "stand and deliver" every day because it's too dated and 80s.

I refused. I was Adam ant.

A young widow goes to the funeral parlour to plan her husband's funeral

She met with the mortician who asked her how she wants the body dressed.

"He always looked so good in blue. I want him to be buried in a blue suit."

This posed a problem as he had been delivered to the funeral parlour in the black suit he was wearing when he died. However, the wife was...

My wife and I had two miscarriages last year, and I believe there should be more jokes about miscarriages so we talk about it more...

The only problem is most of the jokes die before you finish delivering them.

—————————————————————

*The title of the post is true and humor is how I deal with my pain*

Who delivers Indian takeaway to you?

Postman Chaat.

I’ll get my coat.

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Dirty Johnny is delivering newspapers.

He knocks on a door, a lady answers and he says "Collecting... that'll be five dollars.”

She says "I'm a little short on cash but if you want I'll give you sex instead...?"

Johnny says "All right.”

He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and he’s got the biggest di...

My girlfriend says she can't cope with delivering any more babies.

I think it's just a midwife crisis.

I was asked to deliver a eulogy at a funeral that is scheduled for 5:00am.

I had to decline. I'm not much of a mourning person.

UPS- Your package has been delivered

Me- Ok, thanks, but why was it livered in the first place?

These days, people are always having their food delivered.

Why don't they just order it without the livers?

Throughout my career, I have delivered many babies.

I have always enjoyed parents's look when they see their kids returned to them safely and unharmed after they pay me the ransom I asked.

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Delivering the male (my cake day contribution)

It was John's last day delivering the mail. He had been doing so for 4o years and was about to retire.

Most of the families greeted him warmly and handed him an envelope presumably with a small monetary gift inside.

But when he arrived at the Jones' house the woman there pulled him ins...

A nervous young woman was sitting on dentist chair " I'd rather deliver a baby than having my teeth pulled out "

Dentist " if that's the case , let me just adjust the chair to a better position"

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Metamucil changes its name to Facebookmucil

CEO admits the move was difficult, since both firms deliver crap.

I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.

Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.

Three bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...

"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, who had a heart attack while making love to his mistress, hence the smile." says the coroner.

Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won the lottery and spent all hi...

A Mailman is Delivering Some Mail Around a Neighborhood.

A little girl goes up to the mailman and asks:

“Why are you doing your job for free? You should be payed some money for your services.”

The Mailman says: “Oh honey, It’s not about the money. it’s about sending a message.”

What’s the difference between Kim jong un and dominoes ?

Dominoes can deliver a crispy Hawaiian in less than 30 minutes

I discovered the number one reason OP never delivers.

A doctor has just helped deliver a baby.

As soon as the baby is in his arms, the baby looks him in the eyes and clearly says, "Are you my daddy?" Stunned by this, the doctor answers, "No, I'm not!"

In amazement, the doctor holds the baby up for the nurse to see whereupon the baby asks the nurse, "Are you my daddy?" Wide-eyed, the nu...

What kind of pizzas did Al Qaeda deliver to the World Trade Center?

Two large plains.

A logician's wife has delivered a baby.

The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.

The wife asks, "Is it a boy or a girl?"

The logician says, "Yes."

4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip...

As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan.
He goes...

Did you know it costs more at Israeli hospitals to deliver a boy than a girl?

You have to leave a tip at the hospital.

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A woman delivers a baby

The doctor takes the baby, throws it against the wall, smashes it against the hospital equipment, drop-kicks it, etc. The mom starts freaking out, is being held back by nurses screaming "WHYYYYYYY THE FUCK???!?!?"

The doctor then suddenly stops, holds the baby upside down by the ankle a...

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Beautiful woman

A bloke is sitting in the bar at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.

He presumes, because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for ...

Delivering laughter from coast to coast

Why are there no female postal workers? Because only postmen are allowed to work in the mailroom.

Mailroom/male-room

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It’s a post office workers last day delivering mail.

At each of the houses he gets a little present.

At one house, a lady opens the door only wearing a garter belt and stockings.

She gives the mailman a long kiss, walks him upstairs and gives him a ride to remember.

Afterwards, she makes home a nice lunch and gives him a dollar bi...

Santa is only delivering presents to a city in the south of France of this year.

Apparently no one else is on the Nice list!

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Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**

**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

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This is from a time when men delivered milk to people's houses, and when Old Lady Doris ordered 40 gallons of milk.

Mr. Mike the Milk Man paused at the end of her driveway and scratched his head. What would Old Lady Doris want 40 gallons of milk for? There must be some mistake. So instead of just delivering it to her porch, he knocked on the door.

Old Lady Doris answered in her housecoat.

"Hi Doris,...

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