The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy?

The swallow.

A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had no where else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

I quit my job as a postman the first day right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

My drug dealer delivers so fast I nicknamed him...

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Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is beginning to deliver the baby

The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can fini...

A Doctor delivers terrible news to his patient...

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine! Eight! Seven! Six....."

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Pap...

What do you call someone who delivers Indian food?

A curry-er.

Guy is dying and the doctor comes in his room to deliver news

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: Tell me the good news.
Doctor: Well, you have 24 hours left to live.
Guy: And the bad news?
Doctor: I forgot to tell you yesterday.

When President Trump said he would deliver more jobs than any other president...

I didn't realize he'd do it by constantly hiring replacement White House senior staff.

Guy walks into a bar with a brown paper bag and orders a beer. The barman delivers but notices something moving in the bag and asks what's in it.

Guy puts his hand in the bag and pulls out a small piano, then a tiny chair and finally a miniature guy in a tuxedo that proceeds to sit down and play.

"That's amazing," says the barman. "Where did you get him?"

Guy pulls a genie's lamp out of his jacket.

"Wow, do you mind if I ...

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A person who thinks 9 women can deliver a baby in 1 month.

What do you call a nurse who cant deliver a baby

A midwife crisis

Doctor doctor I keep feeling like a woman who delivers babies.

Don’t worry it’s just a mid-wife crisis.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After years of trying a Chinese couple, the Wong's, finally get pregnant. With much anticipation Mrs. Wong delivers a beautiful Hispanic baby boy..

Mr. Wong names him Sum Ting.

Times are tough and I wanted to make some easy extra cash for the holidays, so I took on a part time job as a postman. However, I quit on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver...

I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman delivers a baby

The doctor takes the baby, throws it against the wall, smashes it against the hospital equipment, drop-kicks it, etc. The mom starts freaking out, is being held back by nurses screaming "WHYYYYYYY THE FUCK???!?!?"


The doctor then suddenly stops, holds the baby upside down by the ankle a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Q: How does a nervous comedian deliver the punchline to a terrible joke about urine?

A: "But um, piss"

A postman delivers the same things every day.

A postman delivers the same things every day. The man who owns the house walks out and talks to the postman one day.

Man: Why do you deliver the same items everyday?

Postman: because you subscribed to r/jokes

Doctor: were going to deliver the baby

Dad: Actualy weed like him to keep his liver

What's funny about a FedEx guy telling a joke about his truck full of Nitrous oxide?

There is nothing funny about the joke, it's his delivery.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Christmas time. A mailman knocks at the door to deliver a package.

A voluptuous blonde answers it: "Hey honey, I'll give you your gift upstairs!"

An up they go, where she proceeds to fuck him senseless. After the deed is done, she brings him coffee and 5 bucks.

"What are the 5 bucks for?" asks the mailman.

"Oh, that was my husbands idea. I aske...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A study has revealed that curvy hips indicate smart women who deliver intelligent children.

So that's what my son's been looking for on PornHub, a smart woman.

If a stork delivers white babies, and a crow delivers black babies, what kind of bird delivers no babies?

A swallow.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

New York police officers helped a black woman deliver a baby on the side of the road

Said one officer, “Come out with your hands up!”


- Seth Myers / Writers

Why does OP never deliver?

[removed]

How do you deliver a joke to an idiot?

I said, how do you deliver a joke to an idiot?

I was woken up by the mailman trying to deliver a washbasin today.

Let that sink in.

I can't find anyone to help me deliver my baby.

I'm having a midwife crisis.

A doctor has just helped deliver a baby.

As soon as the baby is in his arms, the baby looks him in the eyes and clearly says, "Are you my daddy?" Stunned by this, the doctor answers, "No, I'm not!"

In amazement, the doctor holds the baby up for the nurse to see whereupon the baby asks the nurse, "Are you my daddy?" Wide-eyed, the nu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted ...

My wife is helping a local flower shop deliver flowers this week

I told her that when ladies answer the door say, “Here, he ordered these for me, but I thought you deserve them more.”

Did you hear about the mailman that always delivers the same letter twice?

It's a repost.

When leaving to deliver presents, where does Santa head first?

South.

What do you call it when your birthing coach won't come to help you deliver your baby?

A mid-wife crisis

My wife hired this nice older woman to help deliver our baby at home, but she showed up to the house in a convertible and with dyed hair.

I think she's going through a midwife crisis.

A mailman notices a mail box with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day....

Snoop Dogg seems to be investing in a company that will deliver weed to your house in 10 minutes...

Sadly, the name Instagram is taken.

A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Joe replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve spen...

Once I got my art degree I didn't need to deliver to people anymore.

Now they come to me, explaining what they want me to create. Then I ask them to pull up to the next window.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered...

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
<...

What do you call a Jedi knight who delivers babies?

Obi-Gyn Kenobi.

What do you call it when a woman in her 40s suddenly decides to deliver babies for a living?

A Midwife Crisis

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A doctor is getting ready to deliver a baby.

A doctor is getting ready to deliver a baby and the husband walks in. He says he's always wondered what child birth felt like.

The doctor says that they are testing an apparatus that would share the pain with the father.

He agrees and continues with the procedure.

The doctor fi...

I read a story by a pregnant woman on reddit

She was having trouble with her pregnancy, and she said she would post an update after it was over.

OP delivered.

Who delivers presents to sharks on Christmas?

Santa Jaws

Ask /r/personalfinance to draw you a line, they deliver a circle.

They always make ends meet!

I discovered the number one reason OP never delivers.

#

I started up a poster design company called "Original Poster"

We don't deliver.

When you're waiting in a restraunt for the waiter to deliver your order...

...in that moment, don't you become *the waiter?*

What kind of pizzas did Al Qaeda deliver to the World Trade Center?

Two large plains.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is alone in an airport lounge.

A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans acros...

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 ...

I'm always extra nice to the guy who used to deliver my mail.

I'd hate to get into a fist fight with an ex-professional mail boxer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby...

As the head came out it was dark and had an afro.

The doctor said, "Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?"

"Well, yes, but only once."

"Once is all it takes" he replied.

Then the torso came out and it was yellow.

"Madam, have you ever slept with an Asian man...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mailman knocks on the door to deliver a package on christmas eve

and a beautiful woman opens the door wearing lingere.

The woman pulls the mailman inside and begins kissing him and removing his clothes.

Confused but enjoying the situation the mailman lets the woman continue and have sex with him.

Afterwards the mailman puts his clothes back...

God Delivers?

An shut in old lady was praying one night, "God, I really need groceries, but my body starts to hurt if I walk past my front door. Please help!"

Her upstairs neighbor heard her plea and decided to help out, so he went to the grocery store and bought food for the elderly woman. He knocked on t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dirty: A boy was dragging his frog

A 10 year old boy walked into his local brothel dragging a dead frog on a string. The madam answered the door and asked the boy what he wanted.
"I want to have sex with one of your ladies", Said the boy.
"Well we have a fine selection, take your pick son", replied the madam.
"I hear the men...

What is common between a gynecologist and Pizza Deliver guy?

They both can smell it but cant eat it.

A coffin maker was on his way to deliver a coffin

...when his car broke down. Trying not to be late he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.

A policeman saw him, told him to stop and asked, "Hey what are you carrying and where are you going?"

The man replied,

"I do not like where I was buried so I ...

I want to open i pizza place called Original Pizza, so that way if anybody asks if we deliver...

yes, OP delivers.

3 steps to disappointing everyone

1. Over promise
2. Under deliver

A teen is caught smoking pot behind a local convenience store.

He’s arrested and put in county jail.

The arresting officer advises the young pothead that he gets one phone call from jail. The teen makes his phone call and returns to his cell.

About a half hour later a man shows up at the police station. “I assume you’re the boy’s father,” the ar...

I had high expectations for UPS...

...and oh boy did they deliver.

Lieutenant Dan has to deliver bad news.

One day, from the office of the General of the Army comes a letter for Lieutenant Dan bearing bad news. Private John's wife had passed away in a horrible car accident.

The General strongly suggested that breaking the news lightly to John would be course of action.
Lieutenant Dan, with hi...

A woman was told to send a facsimile copy of their child’s medical records to a specialist when their child fell very ill.

She didn’t deliver, the child died, turns out she was anti-fax.

f you think Amazon always delivers what you ordered...

Then you've got another thing coming.

I told my friend I hope to deliver a joke half as well as her some day.

Sadly, we men will never know the joys of childbirth.

I deliver jokes the same way UPS delivers packages...

...mangled and missing the most important parts.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Girl Helps Mom Deliver Her Baby Brother.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi ...

Ladder to Success

A man falls asleep one night with depressing thoughts of his failures in life; never has he been able to provide for his family what he wants them to have. He wakes up the next morning on the floor of a room with only a white painted ceiling and floor. No walls. Just clouds as far as he can see. In ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rich man threw a mansion party

It was of extravagant proportions. Hundreds of guests filled his enormous abode to mingle and drink with glee. During the festivities the rich man gathered everyone to the backyard.

“Come! I have something to show you all! As well as a challenge!”

His curious (also drunk) flock followe...

How do blind doctors deliver babies?

With a can't c-section.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A milkman delivers some milk to a house and a drop-dead gorgeous blonde answers the door in her robe

The blonde confesses her fantasy of taking a bath in milk and invites the milkman in to indulge her strange fetish.

The milkman goes into the bathroom where the blonde strips off the robe revealing her succulent body and lays in the bath tub.

The milkman asks the blonde if she would l...

Three insurance salesmen are having drinks and boasting about each company’s service.

The first one says, “When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening.”

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The second one says, “When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we lea...

Who delivers presents to the hood?

Crip Cringle.