LPT: Don't get your animals delivered.

It turns out they need their liver.

So, I delivered a baby today...

Easily my weirdest day at FedEx.

I'm joking, of course.

I work for UPS.

George W. Bush's brand new Porsche is delivered to his home.

Upon inspecting it he turns to the delivery man and says, "Now lookie here son, there seems to be some sort of a mistake. This appears to be the 718. I ordered 911."

A couple go to a hospital to deliver their baby

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He was asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, exp...

I ordered my ex wife food she hates and had Uber Eats deliver it...

Because revenge is a dish best served cold

How do you deliver gym equipment to Hogwarts?

Through the dumbbell door.

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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey...

If Hooters delivered their food...

...would that make them Knockers?

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One of my favourite jokes from one of my favourite movies, Desperado. Originally delivered by my favourite director, Quentin Tarantino

This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says...

What do you call an app that delivers drugs to you, whenever you need it?

Instagram.





I just thought of this while scrolling Reddit and i just had to post it

I was asked to help deliver a baby

But will it be able to survive without a liver?

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[Long] A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept...

I’m worried that our baby is going to be delivered breech...

...the midwife says we should get a heads up if that is happening.

A woman awakens from a coma, no longer pregnant.

"Congratulations! You delivered a boy and a girl!" The nurse said.
"That's great! Who named them?" She asked.
"Your husband did. He named the boy Jason."
"I like that. What about the girl?"
"Jadaughter."

I quit my new job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

Hopefully everyone delivering quads today sees their opportunity...

"May the 4th be with you"

I’m so thankful for the people who deliver pizza

I’ve always hated liver!

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A woman goes through border control on her bicycle with two panniers filled with sand.

The border guard was suspicious about it and searched through the sand, but couldn’t find anything hidden, so he had to let her through.

The next day, the same woman passes by, again riding a bike with two bags brimming with bright sand. The guard was still unable to find anything. He felt so...

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A man is alone in an airport lounge.

A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He lean...

Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19

He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation

My dog just lazes around the house waiting for his next meal to be delivered.

He's a Door Dash Hound

A farmer has to deliver a goat to a friend of his

So the farmer goes to the local train station with his goat. He buys tickets for him and his goat and heads to his train.

Just before he enters the train he gets stopped by the conductor and says to the farmer:

" Animals are not allowed on this train, you'll have to leave him behind." ...

If you think Amazon is going to deliver what you ordered...

...you've got another thing coming.

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day....

The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy?

The swallow.

A Regimental Sergeant Major is inspecting his troops on the Parade ground at the end of a day's training....

.... as they line up in front of the CO, the RSM calls out.

"Before you are all dismissed I have an announcement. Private Jones. one step forward ... MARCH!!"

Private Jones steps forward from the first line of soldiers.

"Private Jones .... your Mother is dead. FALL IN!!"
...

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Woman visits the antique store

And find a beautiful wardrobe. She decide to buy, but says, that it is too big and won't fit through her door.

The clerk tells her that they can disassemble it, deliver to her house and then assemble it again. She accept so they do just that.

Next day woman calls to the store explainin...

I'm terrible at delivering jokes

You're lucky to be alive

I like the way that the main actress in *Interstellar* delivered her lines

She just Hathaway with words

Why doesn't Santa deliver presents to Captain Nemo?

Because he's on the Nautilus

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Tommy replied, “Well, then j...

A Mailman is Delivering Some Mail Around a Neighborhood.

A little girl goes up to the mailman and asks:

“Why are you doing your job for free? You should be payed some money for your services.”

The Mailman says: “Oh honey, It’s not about the money. it’s about sending a message.”

Why can Santa Claus still deliver presents this year?

He has Santabodies

Why was St. Nick afraid of delivering presents down the chimney?

He had santaclaustrophobia.

I was asked to deliver a eulogy at a funeral that is scheduled for 5:00am.

I had to decline. I'm not much of a mourning person.

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Pap...

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Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

My wife and I had two miscarriages last year, and I believe there should be more jokes about miscarriages so we talk about it more...

The only problem is most of the jokes die before you finish delivering them.

—————————————————————

*The title of the post is true and humor is how I deal with my pain*

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary

... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband lo...

Jeff Bezos’ next big project is to have custom made suits delivered to your house within 48 hours.

It’s called Tailor Swift.

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The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday...

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.


The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.


Doughboy is ...

What do you call a terrorist who delivers food on the side?

Door Daesh

Three new corpses are delivered to the morge one day, each with a smile on their face.

The mortician examines each of them and says who they are and their cause of death.

"First body- Frenchman, aged 60, died making love to his mistress, hence the smile on his face.

Second body- Irishman, aged 30, won a thousand euros in the lottery, spent it all on whiskey, and died of ...

Did you know it costs more at Israeli hospitals to deliver a boy than a girl?

You have to leave a tip at the hospital.

Did you hear about the mail-order surgery kit you can have delivered straight to your door?

It's called Suture Self.

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The incredible trainer

It was a busy day at the bar. A lot of costumers were enjoying their breakfast. Until the door slammed open.
A shady trench coat with an almost as shady wearer appeared in the doorframe, a big bulge in both pockets. He approached the counter, as silent as the entire bar, exchanging glares with ...

My husband just interrupted my work from home to deliver this one.

The door opened, and in popped my husband's head.

**Him:** "Hey, Jennifer, what do you call a Jennifer with extra hairy legs?"

**Me, rolling my eyes at him:** "A Jennifer Spider?"

**Him:** "Nope. A SASS-SQUATCH"

In totally unrelated news: He'll be eating boiled chicken an...

Throughout my career, I have delivered many babies.

I have always enjoyed parents's look when they see their kids returned to them safely and unharmed after they pay me the ransom I asked.

A thug walks into a bar.

He sees a lone man sitting in front of his beer, crying.
He walks up to him, pushes him off the chair, slaps him left and right in the face and drinks his beer.

The man then started crying even louder and sobbing in absolute desperation.
The thug, annoyed, yelled: Why are you crying lik...

Why do pizza places always deliver the pizza before giving it to you

They should just avoid putting the liver in the first place

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvio...

Amazon Thesaurus

I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon, but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am

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A new housing development begins in a small residential neighbourhood.

As the construction workers are working, they notice the six year old girl who lives opposite the site is sitting there, watching them with obvious interest. For the first few days, she just sits there, watching them. They give her a friendly wave, and she just smiles and waves back.

As ...

Doctor: "I'll be delivering your baby"

Dad to be:"Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver"

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A greek and an Irish were comparing their heritages.

"We built the pantheon, along with the Temple of Apollo", said the Greek.

"Aye, 'twas the Irish the discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices", replied the Irish.

"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."

"Granted, but was the Irish who built the first tim...

Who delivers Indian takeaway to you?

Postman Chaat.


I’ll get my coat.

I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.

Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.

If Hooters started delivering

Would they change their name to knockers?

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Little Red Riding Hood strolls into a dark forest, delivering her goodies as usual.

“La la la la la, la la la la la,” she caroled.

All of the sudden she encounters a vicious wolf that appears to be behind a tree. She becomes fearful for her life, but the wolf notices her presence and runs off into the darkness.

Red, confused, shrugs and goes about her stroll.

...

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She did what he said

The retiring mailman

The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave h...

I started a service to deliver kosher food.

I’m calling it Jewber.

Three insurance salesmen, Al, Ben, and Carl, are bragging about their accomplishments.

"Last month," says Al, "when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within six hours. The next day, I put a check in the mail for his family."

"That's nothing," says Ben. "Last week, when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within 30 minutes. That very day, I personally d...

Christmas gifts will be delivered on January 8 this year instead of December 25

Santa has been asked to quarantine for 14 days.

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In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy...

In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy. During his time there, he was in charge of a covert operation to spy on a Russian military installation which was directly next to a small lake.

He was in charge of a small team of highly trained soldiers, a few locals recruited to help with the op...

Creating a joke is one thing. But delivering it is another.

I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.

Which superhero delivers the morning paper?

The newspaperman!

My drug dealer delivers so fast I nicknamed him...

Instagram

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Two Blondes doing a crossword.

First Blonde: I got a real tricky question here.

Second Blonde: What's the clue.?

First Blonde: Someone who delivers the mail.

Second Blonde: How many letters.?

First Blonde: Fucking hundreds.

What do you call a Mailman who only delivers watermelon?

Post Melone

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So these three friends went to a park to enjoy their Sunday.

Jim, Tim and Maximilian found a place near a tree to settle down and lay out their stuff. They'd been through a hectic week and they deserved this break, particularly Tim, who had been through the most. So they pulled out their drinks and lay it on the mat, and set up their radio to play some relaxi...

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A woman delivers a baby.

Her Doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.

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Little/Big Johnny and the Lady

Little Johnny is delivering newspapers.

He knocks on a door, a lady answers, takes a newspaper, and Johnny says: "Collecting... that'll be five dollars please.”
She says "I'm a little short on cash but if you want I'll give you sex instead...?"
Johnny says "All right.”

He...

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A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot.

One day a construction crew tumed up
to start building a house on the empty lot. The
young family's 5.year.old daughter naturally took
an interest in all the activity going on next door and ll
spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, more or...

Great performance!

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally, after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, ”This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the...

What is house arrest for grown-ups?

"Your package will be delivered tomorrow between 9AM and 5PM."

A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had no where else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

UPS- Your package has been delivered

Me- Ok, thanks, but why was it livered in the first place?

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork

but the heavier ones need a crane.

One day Jesus was delivering a sermon to his flock. "The path to the Lord lies at y=x2−4x+2". A passer-by leans over to Peter and whispers "what's he banging on about?"

Peter replies "don't worry, it's just one of his parabolas"

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It’s a post office workers last day delivering mail.

At each of the houses he gets a little present.

At one house, a lady opens the door only wearing a garter belt and stockings.

She gives the mailman a long kiss, walks him upstairs and gives him a ride to remember.

Afterwards, she makes home a nice lunch and gives him a dollar bi...

A parrot that can speak in 5 languages.

A guy goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he needs a pet for his mother. The guy says that Mom lives alone and could really use some company. 

Pet shop guy says, "I have just what she needs. A parrot that can speak in 5 languages. She'll have a lot of fun with that bird." 

Th...

New parents are the worst

OBGYN: Hi, I'm here to deliver your baby.

New Parents: But but but.... we want him to keep his liver!

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but si...

Why does OP never deliver?

[removed]

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I wake up at around 7am to hear this pounding at my door as if it’s about to cave in

So I open the door and I see this 6ft cockroach. Before I can even ask him how’s he doing he picks me up and flings me across the hallway of my house. Moving at rapid speed he’s got me in a headlock and delivers some devastating punches. I’m gutted to say I passed out from the sheer pain. Next day w...

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Guy walks into a bar with a brown paper bag and orders a beer. The barman delivers but notices something moving in the bag and asks what's in it.

Guy puts his hand in the bag and pulls out a small piano, then a tiny chair and finally a miniature guy in a tuxedo that proceeds to sit down and play.

"That's amazing," says the barman. "Where did you get him?"

Guy pulls a genie's lamp out of his jacket.

"Wow, do you mind if I ...

i got a wrong fast food order delivered today with NOTHING in it

i wanted mcdonalds but got jack in the box

Zomato guy entered bank to deliver lunch,

they told him come after lunch time.

A logician's wife has delivered a baby.

The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.

The wife asks, "Is it a boy or a girl?"

The logician says, "Yes."

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A young Native boy walks up to the cheif of his tribe...

...and asks, "Cheif, you how do you come up with the names for newborn children?"

The old Cheif is silent, looking at the boy in thought for a moment. Finally he says:

"After the child is delivered I step outside and name them after the first thing I see. For instance, if it's night, t...

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is beginning to deliver the baby

The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can fini...

I got thousands of letters delivered to my house today

That's the last time I order a dictionary from Ikea

What’s the difference between Kim jong un and dominoes ?

Dominoes can deliver a crispy Hawaiian in less than 30 minutes

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A construction crew was building a house

After a while, the four-year-old next door becomes fascinated by the activity and starts coming around. They provide her with a hard hat, give her little jobs and, at the end of the week, present her with a $5 pay packet.

She proudly takes the packet home where her parents make a massive fuss...

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I asked the boss what to do with the roll of bubble wrap we had delivered. "Just pop it in the corner," he said.

4 fucking hours that took me!

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Delivering the male (my cake day contribution)

It was John's last day delivering the mail. He had been doing so for 4o years and was about to retire.

Most of the families greeted him warmly and handed him an envelope presumably with a small monetary gift inside.

But when he arrived at the Jones' house the woman there pulled him ins...

ocean of beer

Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much though...

When President Trump said he would deliver more jobs than any other president...

I didn't realize he'd do it by constantly hiring replacement White House senior staff.

Cinco de Mayo and the Titanic

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England .

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico , which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York ..
...

The good ol' cannon

A woman is about to deliver her first baby. While she's in the birthing room, her husband is outside, waiting for the doctor to give him the good news.

After an hour or so, the doctor finally comes out.

«Sir... it's a boy! Healthy and beautiful!»

«OH GOD» says the man, excited f...

My neighbors came around the neighborhood this morning with flyers complaining about how someone stole their delivered dinner from their front stoop last night.

If you ask me, it feels like an overreaction for some poorly seasoned vegetables, overcooked salmon, and the lemon-tinged green beans, all of which had already gone cold anyway.

How to deliver a joke.

I don't know.

You should ask my mother or the doctors who were there during my birth.

A guy delivered food to his former girlfriend.

Fed Ex.

A preacher is being chased in the woods by a large grizzly bear.

Exhausted, he fell to his knees praying, "Good Lord! Deliver me from danger!" Looking back he saw the bear kneeling, paws together in prayer and exclaimed, "It's a Christian bear! Thank God I am saved!" Meanwhile the bear started praying, "For this food I am about to receive, Lord, I give you thanks...

My 4.5 year old made up his first joke today. What do you call a girl who delivers things?

Dolivia.

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