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Await Jokes

Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead

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The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter...

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter.

In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for...

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery...

...and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. 'Yes, Dad, what is it? '

'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your moth...

A queue of souls are in the next world, awaiting to be sorted.

A man comes to an angel. The angel asks:

\- Have you been married?

\- Yes, I was.

\- Very well, here is your pass to Heaven.

The man right after him steps forward. The angel:

\- Have you been married?

\- Yes, twice.

\- Here is your pass to Hell.
...

Two women die and are awaiting judgment

- So, says the first one, what led you here ?

- Well, I froze to death.

- That must be painful! Sorry to hear that.

- It's okay, your mind goes numb after a while. What about you ?

- I suspected my husband of cheating so I got back home early. I checked the bedroom lookin...

Finnish people eagerly await giving up the mandatory social distancing guidelines

So they can return from the government mandated 2 meters of distance to the normal 5 meters

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring....

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell

The devil awaits him. He says “Bill, don’t worry, it’s not as bad down here as they say. I let you pick your eternal punishment for yourself.”

“What are my options?” Bill asks.

So the devil shows him around.

Behind the first door is Ronald Reagan. He’s chained up, and getting w...

Family members anxiously await news outside of the ICU

Dr Schrodinger :" there's good news and there's bad news."

"What do you mean by that?" Asks the wife.

Dr Schrodinger *takes a look inside* : " I'm afraid your husband is dead."

wife *sobbing* : "But then what's the good news?"

Dr Schrodinger: "What good news?"

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A waitress, on her last day, decides to walk to each of her tables and lift up her skirt to proudly proclaim,

"Super Pussy!". She continues to do this over and over to the horror of her customers, until she reaches a table which sat an elderly man. She approaches him and lifts up her skirt and, again, proclaims, "Super Pussy!" and awaits his reaction. The old man looks at her, then her pussy, then back at h...

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Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from many men.

It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return....

A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.

After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to...

The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am t...

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The infamous crime mafia, known only as The Four Seasons, awaited their next job.

The boss stood before them.

"Winter," he began. "I need you to stay *cool* in the face of pressure. *Ice* in your veins," he said, patting his shoulder.

"Now, Summer," he continued. "If the *heat* becomes too much for Winter, use that *fiery* temper of yours to make sure the cops reme...

A sodomizer, an alcoholic, a thief and a drug addict await judgment in Hell...

The gatekeeper of Hell says, "Each of you are here because you let your addiction get the best of you. But I'm giving all of you a second chance, prove me wrong and I will drag you back to Hell!". Just like that the sodomizer, alcoholic, businessman and drug addict are teleported back to Earth.
...

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Each year I eagerly anticipate this day so I can share my favorite Dad Joke of all time:

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This wo...

Three women, one a brunette, one a redhead and one a blonde, are standing at the gateway to heaven, awaiting judgement...

Three women, one a brunette, one a redhead and one a blonde, are standing at the gateway to heaven, awaiting judgement.


St. Peter tells them that to enter Heaven their resolve must first be tested. He will tell them 100 jokes and they must restrain themselves from laughing, or Hell awai...

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Death awaits

4 friends are hanging out at an abandon hospital. Their names are Eric, David, Stacy, and Mohammad. Eric is an outgoing guy who will often spend his weekends stunt driving. David just got out of basic training, Stacy is a professional swimmer, and Mohammad makes coffins for a living, and in his free...

A woman awaiting surgery was lying naked...

A woman awaiting surgery was lying naked on a gurney in the hallway when a man in a white coat came by, lifted the sheet, looked for a moment, then disappeared.


A few minutes later, the same man stopped by again, lifted her sheet, looked for a moment, then disappeared.


When...

An avid football fan was at the game, seated in a first row seat on the 50 yard line anxiously awaiting the opening kickoff. The seat next to him was empty...

A man sitting further back in the stands, noticed the empty seat, so he got out of his seat and went down to talk with the guy. He asked if anyone was sitting in the empty seat. The guy said, "Nope, it's empty".

In total disbelief, The other guy said, "WHAT?? Who would leave the best seat ...

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Gordon Ramsey today released his long-awaited book about having sex with herbs.

It's about fucking thyme.

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A man is anxiously awaiting a call from his doctor.

Finally, the phone rings. When the man picks up, the doctor says, “Well, I have bad news and I have worse news.”

The man swallows the lump in his throat and says, “Ok, doc. What’s the bad news?”

The doctor says, “Bad news is, you only have a week to live.”

“Oh, God!” The man ...

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A brave and fearsome pirate sailed toward a small island, in search for buried treasure. He and his crew raced ahead in their rowboat, eagerly awaiting a massive payday. When they shortly came upon a large forest, they searched desperately for the last clue on the map.

As the first mate guided them carefully up to a clearing, he stopped suddenly and pointed at a crouched figure straight ahead.

The captain gasped.

"...Carol??"

"Hey, loser," she droned, relieving herself between two pines. "I see you're still looking for buried treasure like a c...

A Femme Fatale reports to her superior after a successful undercover mission.

"Excellent work, as always, agent. Operation *Girlfriend Experience* was an outstanding success because of you. The villain has been apprehended and is awaiting sentencing," the superior comments.

"Thank you, sir. Just doing my duty," she responds.

"But there is one thing..." he contin...

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

A Brit lands in Sydney, and is awaiting passport control

His turn comes and he steps to the agent.

The agent asks his name, and the Brit gives it.

The agent asks his occupation, and the Brit gives it.

The agent asks, “Have you ever been convicted of a crime?"

The Brit responds, “Right, so that's still a requirement?"

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Blind pilots

A plane is preparing for takeoff with a full load of passengers when the pilot and copilot board--both with dark sunglasses and tapping walking sticks for guidance. The passengers are understandably uncomfortable, but assume it must be some sort of practical joke, so they say nothing.

As the ...

What did Matthew McConaughey say to his publisher about his long awaited upcoming book?

I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write!

Paddy O’Toole stood awaiting the verdict of his trial

The judge proclaimed: Patrick O’Toole, there is sufficient evidence to acquit you on all charges. This court finds you innocent of all crimes related to this bank robbery.

Paddy replied: You mean I am free to go?

Judge: Yes. You are free to go.

Paddy: Does this mean I get to ke...

3 girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead die and go to heaven, but God awaits them with a challenge

They must hear 100 jokes before they get to heaven, if they laugh, they go to hell. The brunette laughs at the 6th joke and goes to hell. The redhead laughs at the 58th joke and goes to hell. The blonde makes it all the way to the 98th joke before laughing, God, puzzled, asks why she laughed when sh...

A court hearing about theft in a major company.

**Judge**: Witness Sawyer, are you aware what awaits you in case of false testimony?

**Secretary**: Yes, Your Honor, the boss was saying something about ten thousand dollars and a mink furcoat.

Two men and a blonde woman are in death row.

Two men and a blonde woman are in death row. They’ve had their last meals and prepare for what’s coming up. The warden calls one of the men and asks: “How would you like to go? Firing squad, electric chair, or hanging?”

The man thinks hard, and finally decides on the electric chair. After he ...

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A line of four recently-deceased souls lines up at the gates of Heaven, awaiting their judgement...

St. Peter addressed the first man in line. “While you were alive all you cared about was getting drunk. You loved alcohol so much that you married a woman named Brandy.” St. Peter promptly turned the man away.
To the second man St. Peter said, “While you were alive the only thing you truly cared...

Now that I’m making decent money as a programmer, my mom keeps asking me if I’m getting all the ladies.

const getLadies = (someLadies) => {

let ladies = await fetch(someLadies);
let allTheLadies = await ladies.json()

return allTheLadies
}

Yes I am.

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Three explorers are trekking through the Amazon....

One explorer is from England.

One is from France.

One is from New York.

As they're pushing through the jungle a local tribe ambushes and captures them. The tribe takes them back to their village to await trial by the Chief.

The Chief presents himself to the explorers:
...

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Scott, “My elbow hurts like hell.

I guess I'd better see a doctor."

“Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Scott replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer ...

A woman is at the doctor's office, anxiously awaiting the results of a test.

The doctor says, "You appear to have vasovagal syncope."
She fainted.

St Peter was doing market research with the applicants at the Pearly Gates. Three men were awaiting entry.

"Cause of death?" St Peter asked the first.

"I suspected my wife was cheating on me," the first man replied, "so I came home early and burst into my apartment on the twenty-first floor. I ran into the bedroom and my wife was lying naked on the bed. I searched the apartment but found no-one. ...

The following conversation took place while a prisoner was awaiting execution by electric chair.

Priest: Do you have any last requests?
Prisoner: Yes I do, can I hold your hand?

A UFO landed in the Vatican and the friendly Aliens where greeted by the pope

Pope: What a great honour having the first sign of foreign life in the Univers visiting my humble home. Now, let me tell you about our saviour and king in heaven, Jesus Christ, who saved us all and currently we await his return to us.

Alien Leader: Jesus Christ you say? Long hair, beard, alwa...

A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die

A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die the same day. They all approach the pearly gates where St. Peter awaits them. St. Peter calls the first man up and asks what religion he is.

“I’m a Christian” says the first man.

“Very well, continue on and you will be in room 16, just be...

Saving Myself

A wealthy, never-been-wed 80-year-old man marries a beautiful 24-year-old blonde. All of his friends agree to meet for breakfast in the same five-star hotel in which he is spending his first wedding night, just to see his reaction.

They expect him to come down for breakfast in the eleva...

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Tom, John and Peter went for a long-awaited hike together.

After hours spent on hiking up the mountain, they finally reached the summit. Exhausted, they immediately collapsed on the ground, where Tom said,"I've got a surprise for you guys! He immediately took out the most delicious looking food that they ever saw. He then sat a picnic mat down. "This is to ...

I was told that you catch more fish if you put maggots in your mouth for 5m before attaching them to your rod. Is this true?

I await your replies with baited breath.

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Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.

Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.

"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," t...

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It’s parade day in Russia and 3 military thieves are locked in a jail cell awaiting their punishment.

All the other males in the army are either partaking in the parade or out celebrating their national pride and getting drunk on vodka so they have cleverly entrusted their female counterparts to continue running things whilst they are gone.

A female Lieutenant asks her superior, “How are we t...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

*A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.*

Daughter: God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.

Dad: why did you say that?

Daughter: I don't know, I just felt like saying it.

*The next day, grandpa drops ...

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A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant

A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant.

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the g...

There used to be a school for assassins in New York

It was actually the place where John Wick was trained.

The school would take in orphans and abandoned children and train them, from a young age, to be merciless killers.

As one might imagine, it was a very harsh environment for anyone to grow up, in fact the only real love and affectio...

Spacebar

While out picking up some last minute Thanksgiving items my wife texted me "Thespacebaronmyphoneisnotworking.Whenigethomecanyougivemeanalternative?"

As I eagerly await her arrival home in my birthday suit I cannot help but wonder, what does ternative mean?

My joke about a sequence of people awaiting their turn to get some fruit juice, got me banned from /r/jokes...

...because I put the punchline in the title...

Ticket please

Three lawyers and three engineers were traveling by train to the same meeting.
At the station, the lawyers each buy a ticket but the engineers buy just one.
When asked why, the engineers coyly said "You'll see."
They all board the train, the lawyers taking seats, but the three engineers all...

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Guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, and notices a big jar full of money behind the counter.

He asks the bartender, “Hey man, what’s that jar? I bet there’s at least one grand in there!”

“Ah, you must be new here. It’s a challenge. If you put in fifty bucks, and then succeed at three tasks, you get all the money inside the jar.”

“Really? Man, what a tourist trap! Do people act...

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uni...

A ghost was arrested

And placed in a holding cell with others as they await processing. The ghost turns to the man and asks "what did you get arrested for?"
"Shoplifting" he says, "how about you?"

The ghost smiles and says "possession".

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Wife and I making bird puns in bed

We were laying in bed, when I looked over and said "hey make like a bird and swallow this dick!" She smiled and pulled my pajama bottoms off. I closed my eyes awaiting bliss, when all of a sudden she repeatedly head butts my dick. After scrambling away and gasping in pain, I looked at her and exclai...

A farmer who raises donkeys goes out of town, leaving his wife alone at the farm

A neighbouring farmer, who desires an affair with her, takes advantage of the opportunity and seduces the wife while her husband is away.

The wife soon finds out that she is pregnant with the neighbour’s child, and after informing them of this they decide that it would be best to confess to ...

A 100 married men go to hell

Here they meet the devil who gives them an option, either stand in the left row which grants them access to heaven.

Or stand in the right row where eternal torture awaits.

However, you can not stand in the left row if your wife was the boss in the relationship.

After a swift shu...

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Hitler dies and goes to hell...

As he arrives, Satan greets him.

"Welcome to hell, Hitler." He says. "You deserve a place here for your actions. I will show you 3 rooms, and you'll have to switch places with the person inside the room. Now, follow me please."

Hitler stays silent and follows Satan. They walk into a co...

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A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when a truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

They immediately called an ambulance and baby carrot was rushed to the hospital. As Momma Carrot and Daddy Carrot waited in anticipation, they watched as the do...

A guys parachute fails to open.

While he is still falling and awaiting his death, he looks down and sees another person coming from down there right in his direction.

As they both meet, the man says: "Hey, can you repair my parachute?" The other answers: "No sorry, I usually only repair gas leaks.."

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A woman was waiting at a bus stop

The wait was going to be long. In the diner across the road, there was a fortune machine. 25 cents, the little slip of paper came out.

"You know how to play the violin"

Well that's not true, she thought. There happened to be a violinist in the diner, he let her try. To both of thei...

My own terrible joke. Just came up with it.

What do you call someone who is all for graffiti?

A proTAGonist...


I await your displeasure.

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Chuck Norris has been exposed to COVID-19 and has gone on record to his fans as saying "I'm going to kick the shit out of this thing."

After the quote, millions of people worldwide who fear they may be carrying the virus have begun hoarding toilet paper to await the inevitable.

A young man buys a brand-new bike

He is over the moon with his purchase. The salesman hands him a tiny jar of Vaseline before driving off, remarking: 'Be wary that your seat is made of 100% pure bison leather. Make sure to put vaseline on the seat, should it rain, otherwise the leather might crack.' The man thanks the salesman and r...

Youbg boy tells mum "I saw daddy..."

"....in the nearby park, he was parked and with a woman, I went up to the car as the windows were steamed up, I saw they were busy and they were naked and he was doing press ups like we do at school, but he was on top of the naked woman "

Mum is super mad, she quizzes the boy and with growing...

The allied prisoners

During World War II, four prisoners are captured and brought back to a German base, set to await the death penalty in their cells. The prisoners are a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman and an Englishman.

One morning, a German officer comes in and tells the prisoners, "You are to be lined up a...

Lobster Tails

A man was driving through town with his windows down when he heard a man at a small roadside stand yelling, "Lobster tails! Get your lobster tails here only two dollars!"

The man hit his brakes and pulled over. He walked up to the salesman thinking this must be too good to be true.

"Ar...

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A farmer buys a young cock...

He gets home with said cock, and by lunch it has fucked all of his 150 hens. The farmer takes notice visibly impressed but goes on about his day. The next day the cock is having his way with the farmers ducks and geese. By lunch the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half dead, vultures circl...

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A man is walking along a beach, suddenly he hears a booming voice from the heavens.

"DIG!" says the voice. The man looks around, a little confused. "DIG!" Booms the voice again. The man thinks what the fuck and starts digging at the sand in front of him. Suddenly he hits a wooden box. He picks it up and the voice shouts "OPEN!" He opens it to see hundreds of gold coins. He's a litt...

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Sometimes it DOES hurt to ask!

An 8 year old and a 6 year old sit down at the kitchen table to await breakfast, the older child has heard people swearing on t.v. and decides he wants to try it. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks him what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Can I have some god damn Cheerios?" SMACK! ...

The Marriage,,,

Paula, a mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter
Janet's plane to land. Janet had just come back from abroad trying to find
adventure during her gap year. As Janet was exiting the plane, Paula
noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic
marking...

A General was dispatched to the Kremlin I order to give Putin an update on the situation in Ukraine.

When he got there, he was met at the door by a Marshall, who pulled him aside and whispered “The President is a very busy man, and he only has the time for a single word from you, so think it over, and choose your word wisely!”

So the general mulled it over, as he nervously awaited his call. ...

A young man gets hit by a bus and his mother holds a seance.

A young man gets hit by a bus and his distraught mother calls a mystic and they hold a seance.

The mystic tells the mother that it's very good she called so soon, because the spirits of the deceased only have a short time while they are awaiting their eternal destination to commune with the l...

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What happened after the candidate took Viagra?

He awaited the erection results.

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Fat fashion designer has found a time machine [OC]

Thinking about how many opportunities of discovery await him, he went inside and clicked a button.

He soon found himself in ancient rome. He noticed all the plebs wearing cool ancient clothes so he quickly went to the nearest shopping centre.

Being fat himself, he asked the shopkeepe...

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A sailor who just finished his training boarding his designated ship

The captain awaits on the boat and tells him


"let me show you around"

they starts walking around the ship and the captain says:

"this here is your cabin, you will be sleeping here with another 4 crew mates"

They kept walking and the captain kept explaining everyt...

A Man Goes to the Doctor

A cancer patient anxiously awaits his doctor, who enters with his test results.

“Give it to me straight, doc,” he pleads. “How long have I got?”

“Ten,” says the doctor.

“Ten what? Months? Days? Years?” The patient cries.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the doctor continues. “That was...

Sending Positive Thoughts...

... is apparently the wrong card to get someone awaiting HIV test results.

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Jack and Jill have been married for forty years

And every morning jack wakes up, has a stretch and forces out the biggest fart you've ever heard. Every morning his wife Jill would tell him he is disgusting and tell him that one day he's gonna push so hard his guts will fall out to which he would reply better out than in my love.

After so...

It was mandatory drug test day at my company, and we were standing in line awaiting our turn. Finally, the tester came by with his kit, took one look at me and said, "Sir, you even look stoned. Do you think you can pass this drug test"?

"Sure, man", I said. Then I promptly grabbed the kit and passed it to the guy next to me.

Needless to say, I passed!

Early last February this year, I learned that National Grammar Day is celebrated on March 4th; I was looking forward to celebrating with some friends of mine in Toledo, Ohio...

...I made the trip from Nevada by car; it was a wonderful celebration. My friends Jerry, Susan, and Cynthia organized a wonderful event consisting of a host of grammar related activities: proof-reading, sentence structuring, and more.

Susan also turned out to be a wonderful cook; she prepared...

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A Florida man dies and goes to a waiting area for his final destination.

As he awaits, he spots his best friend within the crowd and cannot believe it. He approaches his buddy and starts a conversation

“Cooch, is that you buddy? Holy shit! It is you! What are you doing here?”

“Hey Willie” says the man with barely any expression on his face.

“What ar...

Jack and Joe are in prison...

Jack and Joe are in prison, in separate cells, some distance away from each other. Sad little jail cells really, with only a solitary, tiny window to peek into the outside. So they pass the time as best they can by telling each other jokes.

One day, Jack asks , "Got any new jokes, Joe?"
...

Exams

A beautiful young woman, about to undergo a minor operation, is lying on a gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff. A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet, and visually examines her naked body. He walks away and confers with another man in a white coat. The second ...

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A guy arrives in hell and crawls terrified at the feet of Satan.

Satan pets him and says in a soothing voice:

"Why, my good man, why are you so sad?"

The man explains that he is afraid of the torment that awaits him. The Devil then points to a nearby door.

"You see that door over there? Behind that door are as many luscious and horny women as...

Mother Walks In On Her Daughter-In-Law. Then Responds With This.

A woman stops by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocks on the door then immediately walks in.

She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music is playing, candles are lit, and the aroma of perfume fills the room.

"What are you doing?!" sh...

I was on a date last night, as I sat at my table, forking my food awaiting my date to arrive, I realized they had stood me up, and I had to foot the bill. Long story short......

Don't ever date a leg

A symphony is preparing for a concert.

The crowds eagerly await this outdoor performance of the Hallelujah Chorus. However, it's the middle of June, and the heat is terrible. All the flutes, trumpets, and tubas are out of tune. The choir is miserable and sweaty.

Ultimately, they're forced to cancel the performance. It was simply t...

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A man is seated in 1st class with an open seat next to him.

Anxiously awaiting departure he can't believe his luck when a stunningly beautiful blonde approaches. As she sits down next to him he silently vows to abstain from hitting on her. It's doubtless she's had that happen to her frequently. She settles in and they're off and heading for San Francisco i...

4 men sit anxiously outside the maternity unit ...

... as they await news on their wives' who are having babies

The English one says, "My first son was born on St George's Day, so I named him George."

The Scotsman added, "My first son was born on St Andrew's Day, and I decided to name him Andrew."

The Welshman said, "My boy was ...

Wolverine, Nightcrawler and Cyclops heard of the birth of Jesus and decided to pay him a visit

They had travelled many miles following a star, until they came to Bethlehem.

Finally, the found the stable wherein the tiny baby lay in a manger, watched over by his mother Mary.

They knelt before the babe and asked of his mother, "May we worship the holy child?"

Sadly she s...

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Cheap parrot

A woman decides she wants to buy a pet so she heads down to the local pet store. After a bit of browsing, she fixes her attention on a lovely talking parrot on sale for only $10. The clerk tells her the parrot's going cheap because it used to live in a house of ill repute so it may not be the most f...

Three men hold a contest in front of a panel of women to see who can pleasure a woman best.

The first man, a body builder, is brought up to the stage and announces that he can deadlift 550lbs and can bench 315lbs. Proving it true, the man completes the lifts with ease. Flexing his muscles in front of the women and winking, he leaves the stage.

The next man, a professional chef, impr...

28 consonants, 3 vowels, a question mark and 1 comma went to court

They're awaiting their sentence

Three nuns get into a car accident.

All three die and are awaiting St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter arrives.

"All three of you must each answer a bible trivia question to proceed inside." He looks at the first and youngest nun. "Who was the first woman on Earth?"

"Easy. Her name was Eve." states the younge...

A German, a Hungarian and an Italian are captured by the Soviets on the Eastern Front...

The three men were held together in a tiny prison cell to await their fate. On the first day the guard came in and called to the German, "Come with me German, let's see what you know."


An hour later the German came back all bruised up. "They tortured me into telling them what I knew a...

A priest, a rabbi, and an engineer get caught by savages and are all set to be executed...

The priest lays down on the block, chanting his prayer profusely waiting for the guillotine to drop. The executioner pulls the lever, but the sharp blade stops inches before the preist's neck. The savages are scared of the preist's deity and lets him go. Next, the rabbi does the same and prays silen...

What does Usain Bolt do when he misses the bus?

He awaits it at the next stop.

A man gets married and his mother-in-law moves in

One day, the husband comes home and finds the mother-in-law passed out on the floor with an empty jar of pills near her. He rushes her to the hospital. After a few hours of anxiously waiting, the doctor returns with her results.

“Alright, I have some good news and I’ve got some bad news”, sa...

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Father Conor is walking by the Shannon when he sees one of his congregation fishing...

He stops for a chat, and mentions that he's never fished before. 'It's a doddle,' says the angler. 'Take a rod and give it a go.'

'Well, I suppose the blessed Saint Peter himself was a fisherman. Perhaps I'll try my hand,' says the priest.

Father Conor sits down and casts his line. Aft...

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Dapple's Car Accident

Once upon a frosty Canadian winter, there lived a man named Dapple. Dapple was a proud Canuck, born and raised in the heart of the Great White North. He loved the snow, the maple syrup, and of course, ice hockey. But one fateful day, his life took an unexpected turn.


Dapple was driving ...

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A Bus Carrying Nuns to the Convent....

Goes over a cliff, killing all on board.

Being pious nuns, all are transported directly to the pearly gates where St. Peter, standing beside a font, is awaiting them.

He says to the nuns, "Our heavenly Father awaits you on the other side of the gates to welcome you to the eternal parad...

A guy is driving through a snowstorm in Alaska when his car breaks down...

...so he gets it towed to the nearest mechanic. As he awaits the diagnosis he steps out for a smoke. He walks back in after smoking and a few moments later the mechanic comes out and says to him, "um...it looks like you blew a seal." To which the man responds, "oh nah, that's just some frost on m...

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A man dies and goes to hell.

When he arrives, he sees Satan approaching him and is terrified for what torments await him.

"Welcome, dude! Don't be so afraid. You're gonna love this place," says Satan with a beaming smile.

"I am?" the man asks nervously.

"Sure you will! All that talk of this place being ...

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Osama goes to heaven.

Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr.
Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the
Americans' liberty, so they gave you...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irish man were captured by a serial killer.

The serial killer said “I will kill you all, but as a final act of kindness I will let you each decide how I will kill you.”

The Englishman accepting his impending death said “I want to die by suffocation, but please make it quick.” So the serial killer picked up a pillow, smothered the face ...

Just a regular day in the Pope's life

This beautiful morning, the Pope woke early, excited for today's ceremony. It was a special day, and the Vatican will probably be even more crowded than usual. Standing there on the balcony and speaking to such a great audience is the purest joy of the Pope, second only to his closeness to God.
<...

Everyday my wife is complaining about something,

Last week I came home from a hard day at work, only to be awaited by my wife who was ready to spit some complaints at me. The stairs are almost falling apart, go fix it! she says. Do I look like a handyman I say. She storms angry out of the room.

The next day I get home from work again to be ...

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Three Guys Die and Get to go to Heaven (long)

So they're waiting for God to get to and judge/reward them. God finishes with others and gets to them. Standing before them, he says, "Alright. You three get to go to heaven. Here's what's gonna happen. You think carefully and tell me what you would really love for the rest of eternity. I will set a...

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven

Upon arriving at the pearly gates he sees a great crowd of welcomers and well wishers. It’s a huge party, all for him, with welcome banners, a choir, the whole shebang.

St Peter claps him in the shoulders and says “welcome home at last my long awaited child.”

“I don’t understand, why a...

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Four nuns died and were at the gates of heaven. An angel greeted them.

"Welcome to heaven, dear sisters. God awaits you inside. But in order to be able to enter heaven, you have to be cleansed of your sins first."

Then the angel summoned a huge bowl with some kind of holy, luminous water in it and called the first nun.

"Have you got any sins to be cleanse...

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US Forces have just liberated thousands of ISIS sex slaves...

All the goats and other livestock are being moved to an undisclosed location and are awaiting to be reunited with their farmers.

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A school teacher, a police officer, and a hedge fund founder are trapped on a deserted island.

After scavenging for days with little success, they come across a magical lamp. The officer decides to give it a quick rub and out pops a genie.

"Hello, I am here to grant each of you an imperishable supply of food and water as you await your rescue. Be warned, it can only be consumed only ...

Knock Knock

A man is sitting at home watching TV when he hears a knock at the door. Begrudgingly, he hits pause on the remote and makes his way to the door. Once at the door, he hears a woman's voice from outside.
Woman: Knock knock!
Man: Who's there?
Woman: Cliffhanger.
Man: Cliffhanger who...

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Harry the horse

Once upon a time, in a quaint little village nestled between rolling green hills, there lived a horse named Harry. Now, Harry was no ordinary horse; he possessed an uncanny ability to make the most mundane situations utterly hilarious. His knack for comedy made him the talk of the town, and villager...

There was this musician in North Korea…

One day he was called upon Kim Jong-Un himself to compose a piece of music and have the great North Korean orchestra play it to him in the humble auditorium.

The man, not wanting to displease the Great Leader, did as he asked.
The big night arrived with the musician stood at the fron...

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The Woman and the Gorilla

A woman once rescued a baby Gorilla from poachers. She was later surprised to find that it could talk. The woman fed it bathed it and raised it. Years passed and the Gorilla grew up to be big and strong. One day the woman saw the gorilla ramming its cock into a tree hollow. Seeing the size of its co...

Spam in the Middle Ages

A prince is awaiting a letter from his loved one for three days and three nights. On the fourth day, a pigeon flies in and drops a letter on his lap. When he opens it he reads:

"Get your sword forged for cheap"

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