I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.

I was devastated when my wife left me, but she gave me a gift that I'll always carry with me...

Herpes.

Why Do Nurses Carry Red Pens?

So they can draw blood.

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house. I said decepticons.

She laughed. I laughed. The toaster laughed. I shot the toaster. It was a good time.

In olde times, it's said that bog witches used to bewitch people or animals to carry messages over distances to each other.

They called it 'hexed messaging'.

Why do queens always carry scepters?

Everyone has to work scept her

Arnold's is long , Jim Carry's short Madona doesn't have one and the pope has but doesn't use it?

Surname...

I keep seeing in the news about lawmakers attempting to pass laws allowing teachers to concealed carry...

Math is hard enough for some students

Now they'll have to worry about Triggernometry as well?!

What do you carry your books in?

Zack: A backpack

Zach: A bachpach

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo' drizzle.

Yesterday I got my permit to carry a concealed weapon.

So, today I went over to the local Gun shop to get a Colt 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.

When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the government about gun control wackos running amok...

A lumberjack went to a doctor complaining of back pain and can't carry heavy logs.

He was told he didn't have enough lumber support.

A photon walks into a hotel and orders a room. The bellhop asks, “Can I carry your baggage to your room for you?”

The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

A bunch of insects are having a formal get together and decide to invite a simple drone worker whose sole function is to carry whatever the queen wants back to the colony...

Becoming all excited at the prospect of doing something different he decides to dress himself in the best suit there is but he cannot seem to complete the look with a half-windsor knot.

Such a complicated task required more skilled mandibles so he goes over to his boss but suddenly gets crush...

Why doesn't the Weather Man ever carry valuables on them once the humidity level gets above 70%?

It gets a bit muggy

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In a restaurant, one of the diners notices that the waiter carries a teaspoon in the pocket of his jacket

He looks at the other waiters and sees that all of them carry teaspoons in the pocket of their jackets. He asks the waiter about it:

"Excuse me, could you tell me why do you carry a teaspoon in your pocket?"

"Well, it has been shown that the teaspoons are the piece which falls most oft...

My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house.

And I answered, because of the decepticons!

She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.

It was a good time.

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Edit: Thank you all for the upvotes and yes, this is a adaption to an old joke, i thought it was fitting regarding todays article about Alexa "laug...

A husband always carry his wife's photo in his wallet

Wife: You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?

Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am to you?

Hubby: Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem ca...

As a golfer, I always carry two pairs of trousers.

What if I get a hole in one?

I always carry 2 nickels and 2 pennies

So that way I'll never be so poor that I don't have 2 nickels to rub together, and I gain always put my 2 cents in on a situation.

Why didn't princess Diana carry any cash?

Who would like their purse to be full with pictures of their mother-in-law?

How many chargers does Mark Zuckerberg carry when he travels?

Three. One for his laptop, one for his phone and one for himself.

Why should you always carry arms with you?

They might come in handy.

There once was a famous fighter, anointed by the king in ancient france. After his death, all other knights swore to carry on his battle tactics, named after him in his honor, for all wars to come.

His name was Sir Render.

What do hunters call deer that carry guns?

Fair game

Why won’t the mother deodorant let her daughter carry a bag?

Because she is an anti-purse-parent.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A vulture boards a plane carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess stops him and says, "I'm sorry sir, but we only allow each passenger one carrion"

When I die, I want all my exes to carry my coffin to the grave

So that they can let me down one last time

Studies show that women who carry a little extra weight live longer

than the men who mention it.

Why do slugs carry pepper spray when they go out late at night?

To protect themselves from a salt

I saw an old lady struggling to carry her shopping bags to the car, so I did the good thing.

And took some to my own car to make her life easier.

Always carry a gun with you

That way if you get robbed you can just shoot your self, Inflicting years of mental trauma on them winning the fight in the long run

Always carry some fiber cable with you when hiking

If you get lost, just bury it in the ground. A backhoe will be along shortly to cut the cable, and you can ask for directions.

I begin to carry a knife since a robbery attempt a few years ago

Since them, is being a lot easier to rob people

What's heavier? 200 pounds of bricks or 200 pounds of feathers?

200 pounds of bricks is just a bunch of bricks. But if you carry 200 pounds of feathers, you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

After an attempted mugging, I started to carry a gun around with me

Now my muggings are more successful.

If you're going to drink and drive, always carry a flask in your car

If you get pulled over for a DUI, put the flask in your lap, suspiciously​ insist that it's "water," and that's when the officer finds out that's it's chloroform.

Carry A Flashlight

A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida.

"Is it true," the tourist asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."

A farmer was walking into town to do some errands

He picked up the pail he'd left at the blacksmith for repairs, a brick he needed to repair a wall, and two chickens and a duck he'd ordered to increase his stock. Carrying all this, as he was walking home, he encountered the schoolmistress, a thin, plain middle-aged lady. "Sir," she said. "I need to...

It's always good to carry some extra tissues with you...

You never know when you'll come in handy.

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

Why does Santa carry such a big sack?

Because he only comes once a year

Yo mama so fat even her words carry weight.

She posts on Reddit and gets down-voted by gravity!

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

‘Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes ...

An Italian mobster gives his son a Beretta for his 18th birthday. "Carry it everywhere" he says as he hands it to him.

The next day, the son comes home without the gun, but is sporting a brand new Rolex on his wrist. The father asks him:

"Sona, where is the guna I gave you"

"I traded it ina for a Rolexa" says his son.

"YOU STUPIDA FOOLA!!" yells his dad "One day you will hopefully hava wifa. Ima...

Some people bring pepper spray for self protection. Others carry a gun.

I bring Goo-Gone for sticky situations.

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at the weekend a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the ...

Why do people carry umbrellas when it rains?

Because umbrellas can't walk. Ba'dum tssss

Why do men carry condoms instead of women?

Because by the time women found a condom in their purses, kid would be 3 years old

What type of doctor must carry a phone/pager with them at all times?

An Oncologist.

Cop pulls a man over and the man hands him a concealed carry permit....

So the cop asked the man "are you carrying today sir?"
Man says "yes sir, I have a Colt .45 on my hip and a .22 in my boot."
"Anything else?" Said the officer. Man says "well there's a Glock in the glove box, a 12 gauge on the back seat... oh plus the M4, Springfield and Tommy gun in the trunk...

I hate bikes that carry two people.

I can't tandem.

Ted Cruz should have been forced to carry his Campaign to term...

Terminating it is unchristian afterall

How is Santa able to carry so many presents at once?

Santa isn't real.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do British prostitutes always carry Vaseline?

Because their lips have so many chaps on them!

How can you tell if an American has a conceal carry permit?

They'll tell you.

I always carry a microphone and some lube...

in case I need to bust a nut and a rhyme at the same time

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, "Wow! That looks deep."

The second guy says, "It sure does. Let's throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We'll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing."

So they pick up a few pebbles...