A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer

than the men who mention it.

My wife asked my why i carry a gun in the house.

I looked at her and said "Decepticons". She laughed, i laughed, the toaster laughed, i shot the toaster. It was a good time.

Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?

Because of the drizzle

Police: Sir, you are under arrest for trying to carry 6 people on a single motorcycle

Me: What do you mean 6 people?

Police: Yes, 6 people. Now please get off your vehicle.

Me: OH MY GOD!

Police: Sir?

Me: Jack fell off!

Which Spice Girl can carry the most petrol ...

... Geri can

I’d buy a house but I’m afraid I won’t be able to carry the payments.

Buy a lighthouse!

I'm thinking about opening a clothing store. Half the store will carry only traditional, colorful women's gowns from India, and the other half will carry everything else.

I'm going to call it Sari/Not-Sari.

If I'm ever traveling near Loch Ness or Sasquatch's lair, I will carry a camera to be safe.

It is a documented fact that these dangerous monsters have never approached anyone who had a camera.

What plane model can carry the most thots?

Hoeing 737

Why don't libraries carry books about suicide?

Because they never get returned.

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.

Why does santa carry such a large Sack

Well he does only come once a year.

No one wants to carry large windows around

It's a pane in the glass

I was devastated when my wife left me, but she gave me a gift that I'll always carry with me...

Herpes.

I tried to carry my board game onto the airplane, but the security said I can’t do it.

The Risk was too big.

Why Do Nurses Carry Red Pens?

So they can draw blood.

Why do influencers always carry a pencil?

To draw attention

Arnold's is long , Jim Carry's short Madona doesn't have one and the pope has but doesn't use it?

Surname...

A photon walks into a hotel and orders a room. The bellhop asks, “Can I carry your baggage to your room for you?”

The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

Why do queens always carry scepters?

Everyone has to work scept her

What do you carry your books in?

Zack: A backpack

Zach: A bachpach

In olde times, it's said that bog witches used to bewitch people or animals to carry messages over distances to each other.

They called it 'hexed messaging'.

Why doesn't the Weather Man ever carry valuables on them once the humidity level gets above 70%?

It gets a bit muggy

Yesterday I got my permit to carry a concealed weapon.

So, today I went over to the local Gun shop to get a Colt 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.

When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the government about gun control wackos running amok...

A lumberjack went to a doctor complaining of back pain and can't carry heavy logs.

He was told he didn't have enough lumber support.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a restaurant, one of the diners notices that the waiter carries a teaspoon in the pocket of his jacket

He looks at the other waiters and sees that all of them carry teaspoons in the pocket of their jackets. He asks the waiter about it:

"Excuse me, could you tell me why do you carry a teaspoon in your pocket?"

"Well, it has been shown that the teaspoons are the piece which falls most oft...

My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house.

And I answered, because of the decepticons!

She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.

It was a good time.

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Edit: Thank you all for the upvotes and yes, this is a adaption to an old joke, i thought it was fitting regarding todays article about Alexa "laug...

A bunch of insects are having a formal get together and decide to invite a simple drone worker whose sole function is to carry whatever the queen wants back to the colony...

Becoming all excited at the prospect of doing something different he decides to dress himself in the best suit there is but he cannot seem to complete the look with a half-windsor knot.

Such a complicated task required more skilled mandibles so he goes over to his boss but suddenly gets crush...

A husband always carry his wife's photo in his wallet

Wife: You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?

Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am to you?

Hubby: Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem ca...

Why didn't princess Diana carry any cash?

Who would like their purse to be full with pictures of their mother-in-law?

As a golfer, I always carry two pairs of trousers.

What if I get a hole in one?

I always carry 2 nickels and 2 pennies

So that way I'll never be so poor that I don't have 2 nickels to rub together, and I gain always put my 2 cents in on a situation.

How many chargers does Mark Zuckerberg carry when he travels?

Three. One for his laptop, one for his phone and one for himself.

Why should you always carry arms with you?

They might come in handy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What gun does a chicken carry?

A cock glock.

When I die, I want all my exes to carry my coffin to the grave

So that they can let me down one last time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A vulture boards a plane carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess stops him and says, "I'm sorry sir, but we only allow each passenger one carrion"

There once was a famous fighter, anointed by the king in ancient france. After his death, all other knights swore to carry on his battle tactics, named after him in his honor, for all wars to come.

His name was Sir Render.

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

Why do slugs carry pepper spray when they go out late at night?

To protect themselves from a salt

Always carry a gun with you

That way if you get robbed you can just shoot your self, Inflicting years of mental trauma on them winning the fight in the long run

I begin to carry a knife since a robbery attempt a few years ago

Since them, is being a lot easier to rob people

I saw an old lady struggling to carry her shopping bags to the car, so I did the good thing.

And took some to my own car to make her life easier.

What do hunters call deer that carry guns?

Fair game

Why does Thor carry a hammer?

Because he already has a thorax.

Always carry some fiber cable with you when hiking

If you get lost, just bury it in the ground. A backhoe will be along shortly to cut the cable, and you can ask for directions.

Why won’t the mother deodorant let her daughter carry a bag?

Because she is an anti-purse-parent.

After an attempted mugging, I started to carry a gun around with me

Now my muggings are more successful.

Carry A Flashlight

A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida.

"Is it true," the tourist asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."

What's heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?

A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the morn...

If you're going to drink and drive, always carry a flask in your car

If you get pulled over for a DUI, put the flask in your lap, suspiciously​ insist that it's "water," and that's when the officer finds out that's it's chloroform.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

A farmer was walking into town to do some errands

He picked up the pail he'd left at the blacksmith for repairs, a brick he needed to repair a wall, and two chickens and a duck he'd ordered to increase his stock. Carrying all this, as he was walking home, he encountered the schoolmistress, a thin, plain middle-aged lady. "Sir," she said. "I need to...

An Italian mobster gives his son a Beretta for his 18th birthday. "Carry it everywhere" he says as he hands it to him.

The next day, the son comes home without the gun, but is sporting a brand new Rolex on his wrist. The father asks him:

"Sona, where is the guna I gave you"

"I traded it ina for a Rolexa" says his son.

"YOU STUPIDA FOOLA!!" yells his dad "One day you will hopefully hava wifa. Ima...

It's always good to carry some extra tissues with you...

You never know when you'll come in handy.

Yo mama so fat even her words carry weight.

She posts on Reddit and gets down-voted by gravity!

Some people bring pepper spray for self protection. Others carry a gun.

I bring Goo-Gone for sticky situations.

Why do men carry condoms instead of women?

Because by the time women found a condom in their purses, kid would be 3 years old

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