In which regard is the USA better than Canada?

The USA has nicer neighbors.

Who is the most highly regarded musician in Australia?

Aussie Osbourne

What do you call the mass distribution of news and information regarding marijuana, as well as the demand for its legalisation?

Propaganja. Thank you. I'll let myself out.

Have you heard about the controversy regarding asians westernizing their surnames?

Honestly, it’s hard to know who’s White or Wong.

There once was a pirate captain who was regarded as the bravest person in his ship .

Every battle, when his crew reported to him that there was an enemy ship, he would say, “Bring me my red shirt!” Every time he wore that red shirt, his ship would defeat the enemy without fail.

This went on for a long time. Eventually, one deckhand became curious. “Captain,” he asked, “Why do...

Pretty sure I asked for help regarding this already, but

Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine? It was about a weak back.

What would China respond with regards the recent Hong Kong protests?

Tank you!

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What was the Ninja Turtles’ policy regarding homosexuality?

Don’t ask Donatello

An old woman was being interviewed regarding her pending divorce...

An old woman was being interviewed regarding her pending divorce. The judge asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About a four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said. "I mean what is the foundation o...

I encountered a young cashier while checking out.

My total was $4.07 to so I handed him a $5 bill and 7 pennies. Confused, he said, "This is too much, just give me the $5 bill." I tried explaining to him that I didn't want change back. This situation still had him bewildered as if he doesn't understand the basics regarding math and money.

I ...

It recently became apparent to me,

that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard.

This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again.

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe as his boss lectured and answered difficult questions about the nature of things and the meaning of life.

Then, one day, the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for just one evening. The philosopher agreed, and, for a while, the driver handled himself remarkably well.

However, when the time came for questions, someone at the back of the room asked him, "I...

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A man needs to leave for lengthy a business trip, but his wife is saddened by this

She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine. He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special...

What borders at stupidity?

Canada and Mexico.


With kind regards from my math teacher

A deep joke

I called a detective regarding a crime at my local swimming pool. He said that instead of diving straight in, he'd start by looking into it, floating a few ideas around before finally getting to the bottom of it.

Interesting misconception regarding Type O Blood

Initially, the medical community referred to it as 'Type Zero' blood, due to the lack of glycoproteins. The term was misinterpreted to what it is today. You could venture as far as saying it's a **typo.**

Your typical rock band

In my history of Rock and Roll class, chapter 13 focused on the early rock artists post punk era. At the very beginning of the chapter the band King Crimson is briefly mentioned, they seemed to have qualities that later artist would adopt and were quite popular, with songs such as 21 century schizoi...

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I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke, "Which way did you vote regarding Brexit?". “I voted to leave" he replied. With that my dog bit him. Later that day, I was down the pub and I asked the landlord the same question and he replied “I voted to remain” and my dog bit him too.

My dog doesn't give a fuck about politics.

What do you call a Muslim optometrist who has no regards for his patients?

Asif Eyecare

Two guys are talking when one says, “Hey I finally finished that book I was writing about the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.”

And the other guy says to him, “It’s about time.”

With the outrage regarding the repeal of Net Neutrality, it is important to remember that there are two sides to this issue.

The outraged side,

And the uninformed.

Now that I have officially divorced my wife, and she has chosen to keep my last name.

I wanted to be clear that you cannot trust a word she says.

Regards,

Mr Information.

IRS summons [NSFW]

A businessman comes home, turns to the wife and says:

Honey, I received a subpoena from the IRS regarding the late submission statement!

Do you think I should go in jeans or in business suit?

Well, dear... I tell you the same thing my mother said to me when I asked her if on the...

Why do melons hold the traditional ceremony of marriage in such high regard?

Because they can't elope.

Euro-English

As a part of Brexit negotiations, the European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will remain the official language of the European Union rather than German, which has been regarded by many as a better choice.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conced...

Regarding Little Red Riding Hood: Wolves can’t be all bad if they’ll eat your grandmother

Even Grandpa won’t do that.

Many years ago, there was a sculptor.

He was a true master at his craft, and he worked hard every day to provide the finest replicas, busts, and statues to the rich and noble. He was held in very high regard, and his name spread across land and oceans and many sought to acquire one of his rare sculptures.

However, even with the ...

James Charles has just created a large and complex theory regarding the origins of the universe.

*And thats the-sis*

Two Bros, chillin' in a hot tub! 5 feet apart cause they're....

...following the guidelines of social distancing in regards of the recent coronavirus outbreak.

My boss fired me because of my lack of knowledge in regards to the workplace.

After a few hours I finally found the exit.

Max receives a text from his neighbor.

Hi Max, its Richard from next door, I've been riddled with guilt for months and have been trying to build up the courage to tell you face to face but i couldn't. When your not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently....

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A Medical Friend Just Sent Me This Lockdown Update

THE GOVERNMENT WILL BE LIFTING RESTRICTIONS IN PARKS AND BEACHES DURING THE EASTER BREAK.

The Government has announced today that, for the Easter break, certain groups are allowed to go to parks and Beaches and invite friends round for BBQ’s.

IMPORTANT- PLEASE READ

While the maj...

After the recent incidents regarding 737 MAX airplanes Boeing should definitely rebrand.

Boink is much more fitting.

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The weather and a pussy are similar in one regards

When it starts to get wet, it is time get inside.

Why was the shovel regarded as one of the most creative inventions?

Because it was ground breaking.

An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to ...

A question asked to the Olympic boxing team regarding the dangers of their sport.

10% responded that boxing is dangerous to health, the remaining 90% did not understand the question.

Creating a joke is one thing. But delivering it is another.

I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.

Aristotle has long been regarded for his philosophical mind.

But it's too bad his theory of inertia never really gained momentum.

Giving

Jane had heard you can make some extra money donating blood. On her lunch break she went on down to the donation centre near her office to give it a go for the first time. After donating and while at the counter to get payment she noticed the man to her left was being paid $100, while she was onl...

Dear Hand sanitizer

Can’t touch this!

Regards,
%0.000001 germ

I entered the new needfull things shop opened yesterday.

Me: Oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!

Spooky shopkeeper: Yes, I will warn you.. every item comes with a price.

Me: Yes, I know how shops work.

Spooky shopkeeper: The price may be more than you expect to pay.

Me: Yes, I know how US taxes work, too.

...

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[OC] Did you hear the political interview in regards to homosexuality?

It was hard to get a straight answer.

Babies

POLITE REMINDER
Anyone who wants to have a child in 2020 tonight is the last night. Otherwise your child will be born in 2021.

Work harder tonight

Best Regards.

In regards to the recent ruble crash in Russia

A Russian boy asks his father

"Daddy, can I have 5 ruble for buy milk bread and vodka?"

His father replies

"20 ruble? What you need 50 ruble for?"

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After the death of her husband, a woman puts a sign on her front porch...

The sign states that any man who: 1. Will treat her nicely, 2. Won't leave her, and 3. Who is good in bed can stay with her. A few days later, the doorbell rings and she opens it to find a man in a wheelchair with no arms and legs. He says, "I'm here regarding the sign on your front porch. As you ca...

Subject: Paid Leave Request

Dear HR,

I am suffering from coronavirus and request you to grant me paid leave for 30 days. Otherwise I will come to office.

Best regards,

John T.

-‐-------------------------------------------------

Subject: RE: Paid Leave Request

Dear John,

Af...

A so-called friend of mine and I were having a heated discussion regarding what to do with all of the plastic waste we are generating. I decided we couldn’t be friends when he brought up straws.

I can’t be friends with someone who makes straw-ban arguments.

I have a lot of wisdom in regards to oral hygiene.

I'd consider myself a flosserpher.

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Breaking News: Louis C.K. makes first published statement regarding the recent alligations of sexual misconduct.

"I'm Gay."

A woman goes out boating one day...

A woman takes the boat out one afternoon, but does not come back. The next day, her husband answers a knock at the door to two grim-faced State Troopers.

"Good afternoon sir, regarding your wife we have some bad news, good news, and really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
...

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Trump's statement regarding China

Trump: "In little over a week when I take office, China will fall into a slump. Factories will shut down, shops will close, stock markets will not trade, and government will grind to a halt.The wealthy will flee overseas with their families, citizens desperately trade their currency for food, doors ...

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Old Couple

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed fi...

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NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:

**NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:**

Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a full Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider wheth...

UN sent a survey to children from different country: " Regarding the problem of food shortage in other countries, what's your opinion?" Surprisingly no kids understand the question.

American kids: "what's “other countries”...?"
European kids: "what's “shortage”...?"
Africa kids: "what's “food”...?"
Chinese kids: "what's “my opinion”...?"

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This old, retired couple went to see the doctor regarding sexual problems.

he old man said, "We want to know if we're making love properly. Will you look at us and tell us if we're doing it right?"

"Sure, go ahead," said the doctor.

So the old couple made passionate love and afterwards the doctor said, "You're making love perfectly. That will be $10."

...

How the government works

The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he a...

Just a reminder: please do not post any jokes regarding the German highway system.

You will be Autobahn'd.

Well if there's one thing we can all agree on regarding tomorrow's inauguration ...

Orange is the new Black

A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...

As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
 
“Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?”
 
The clerk said, “Kiss my ass… get out… and stay out!”
 
The man sai...

My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house.

And I answered, because of the decepticons!

She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.

It was a good time.

-
-

Edit: Thank you all for the upvotes and yes, this is a adaption to an old joke, i thought it was fitting regarding todays article about Alexa "laug...

Regarding the newest marijuana studies...

Dear Pilots,

Please don't fly high.

Onions

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs...

A zookeeper wishes to buy some new animals from another wildlife park.

She writes:

Dear sir, We are a recently opened zoo and are looking to purchase 2 mooses. "No that doesn't sound right." She thinks.

We are looking to purchase 2 meese. "No that can't be right either."

Dear sir, I wish to inquire about purchasing a moose. Kind Regards.

P.S...

What did William Shakespeare say regarding atomic orbitals?

"2p or not 2p, that is the question."

Regarding the molestation jokes. A lot you guys may not know this, but molestation...

Is a very touchy subject.





I'm sorry. Did that joke rub you the wrong way?

A Doctor Walks into a Young Patient's Room and Sits Beside the Kid

Doctor: Hey kiddo! You're going to get discharged later on today. Don't forget to give your father my regards!

Kid: My father's dead...

Doctor: I know

Please settle an argument regarding this joke: why is it funny?

>What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

>30 pounds.

This joke has been the source of debate among my peers. I know I'm right, but I need evidence/validation. Why is this joke funny? What is the punch line implying?

----

EDIT: Thanks for the response...

A man was going through the daily newspaper and suddenly decided that he wanted a dog...

He was going through the pets for sale section of the newspaper when he came across a cute brown puppy that he decided he was going to buy.
So he called the advertiser and asked regarding the dog :-

Man -"so I wanted to know if the brown puppy put up for sale is still available?"

A...

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The world's press gathers...

...at a press conference announced by the team at CERN in Geneva. The CERN spokeswoman steps up to the speaking podium and smiles broadly at the assembled reporters, microphones and cameras. She begins to speak.

“Thank you all for joining us today. We have some major announcements to make...

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While sipping his whiskey he notices a small, gilded box at the end of the bar and inquires about it to the bartender. "You're not quite drunk enough, my friend."

The man thinks it odd but continues to drink. Two more whiskeys later he asks again. "...

William Shakespeare is Meeting Felipe III, the Spanish king at the time...

And after a great first meeting, he finds themselves becoming fast friends. However, he is unsure how now to address his new friend. By his first name? By his title? With deference or informally?
He struggles and struggles.
Finally, after a long sleepless night, he begins to think a quick and ...

A Mathematician, A Physicist and A Chemist were on a Beach

They decided to put their expertise to use and conduct some research. The Math man said, "I'll jump into the water and measure the depth of the ocean." The Physicist said, "I will go and examine the density of the water at various depths." The Chemist said, "I will use the data you both collect and ...

I met Greece's finance minister, who was looking for help regarding the situation there.

He asked me for my two cents.

A doctor, a priest and an engineer go golfing...

After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain.

"Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, s...

A thief entered a house one mid-afternoon to find...

a couple in the middle of lovemaking. He tied up the woman and at gun-point asked the man to handover all their money and jewellery. The man started sobbing and said, "Brother, take anything you want. But please, untie the rope and let her go." The thief replied, "You must really love your wife, hav...

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The surnames of England

The surnames of England will tell you a lot about what sort of people they are, and of what sort of things they're proud of: The Bakers, for example, came from a prominent line of breadmakers; The Masons were all very fine stoneworkers; But among the English people, no surname is held in higher rega...

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An old Soviet joke

Stalin invited General Zhukov into his office for a conference, and yells at him for 2 hours regarding the war's slow progress.



As Zhukov steps out of the office, he mutters under his breath, "that damn mustachioed son of bitch!"



Unfortunately, he is overheard by Stalin...

Honey, do you think our relationship is getting distant?

I don’t think so. Kindest Regards.

What's the difference between a Boy Scout and a guy who fixes bicycle horns?

One's motto is 'Be Prepared', the other's is 'Beep Repaired'


EDIT:I reached r/all, I promised a friend of mine that I would stop calling his mom hot if I reached all.

He sends his regards...

A captain, newly assigned to his ship, meets with his crew at the tavern before they sail.

The crew receives him well, and encourages him to join them in drinking and shenanigans. He declines the former, but joins in on the latter. The crew tells dirty jokes, but what really gets them roaring is joking about the tavern owner, Rex.

"You sure you don't mind the teasing? As the captai...

An old lady returns to a grocery store and approaches the cashier.

Cashier: "Hello, how can I help you?"

Lady: "I think you made a mistake with the change, yesterday. There is a difference of €50!"

Cashier: "I'm sorry, but I cannot accept any claims once you have left the store yesterday. Next time, please come to us immediately whenever you have con...

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A man who was born with three testicles

Was extremely proud and conceited with what he regarded as the equivalent of winning the genetic lottery, in an act to flaunt and put to shame others he would sit regularly outside of his house and ask each passerby.

Man: do you know the sum of your balls and mine.
Passerby (perplexed) : w...

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did.
Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to his office he regretted and decided it wasn't worth the price. So, he had his secreta...

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Three Old Men are Sitting on a Park Bench

The first one starts talking about his problems regarding his health.

"Oh my god, I can't tell you how hard it is at my age. Every morning, I wake up at 7 o'clock, I go to the restroom and I try to urinate but no matter what I do, I can't go."

The second one then chimes in:

"You...

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A man is driving through the desert when suddenly his car breaks down

He has no idea how to fix it and is in the middle of nowhere. Under the scorching heat of the sun, hours pass by and his hopes start fading away.

All of a sudden, a grey horse appears from nowhere.

\- What's up, pal? says the horse. Can I help you?

The man is baffled. Where is ...

A corn flake, just created was cruising down the conveyor belt feeling like he was on top of the world.

Totally content with his life he moved along until he was dumped into a large mixer and thousands of other corn flakes landed on top of him.

Not happy with no longer on top he determined to get back above the others. So, he climbed and climbed, pushing other flakes out of his way until finall...

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A 10 year old and Albert Einstein play a game

Both of them will take turns to ask each other a question and if one can't answer the other's question, he has to pay the other a sum of money.

To make the game fair, if the boy fails to answer a question, he only has to pay Einstein 5 dollars, on the other hand, if Einstein fails, he has to...

After years of research and exploration, an Archaeologist discovered an ancient book...

The book was said to answer any question asked of it. Being a professional, the archaeologist took the book back to his prestigious university, which was home to several leaders of certain fields. To research the book's power in a controlled manner, the archaeologist rounds up three of the universit...

There has been some controversy regarding priests delivering sermons using an iPad instead of the traditional bible.

I think its perfectly fine. After all, Moses delivered the ten commandments using two tablets.

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I went to see the doctor about my penis

When I arrived at the doctors office I explained to the girl at the front desk that I would like to see a doctor regarding my penis.


'It can't be very long, please take a seat' she replied.


How dare she assume such a thing! I began to storm off to the waiting area as I hear...

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Three sons go to their father on his deathbed...

A father of three - a man of considerable wealth and creator of a veritable empire - lies on his deathbed in the final hours of his life. His sons - all vying to inherit his wealth - stand by his side, arguing over who should take the kingdom.
"I am the smartest," says one.
"But I am the ...

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.

After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Many years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to ...

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Bob had one hand and was depressed.....

Bob felt inadequate because he was missing a limb. He always felt incomplete and insignificant.

One day his friend, Fred, took him to a park and they noticed a person with no arms dancing around like crazy.

Fred shamed Bob regarding his outlook on life and said he should be more like t...

A woman is walking on the mountains when she sees a huge flock of sheep, lots of sheep are grazing in a very green meadow. She spots the shepherd near them so she goes to talk to him out of curiosity.

The shepherd notices her approaching him and greets her.

“Oh, good morning young lady, maybe I can help you with something?”

“Yes, hi! I was walking on that path over there and I saw this enormous flock and I had to come and know more about them!”

“Sure thing. What is it that yo...

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