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You're living. You have mass. You occupy space. Do you know what that means?

You matter.

What does "Secure the Building" mean to veterans?

If you're a veteran, I can tell what branch of the military you were in based on how you understand the phrase "secure the building."

If you were a Marine you think it means to hit the building with mortar and machine gun fire.

If you were in the Army you think it means to go from r...

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."

"It’s pasture bedtime!”

My wife always tells me that I treat my kid unfair. I don't even know which one she means.

***Thomas, Jane or the fat and ugly one?***

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"

The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

a Colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

Jane's friend took a bite of her hamburger.

vs.

Jane's friend took a bite of her colon.

Me to HR: Your careers page says the company offers "competitive salary". What does that mean exactly?

HR: That means your salary will be competing with your bills.

'I'm sorry' and 'My bad' means the same thing.

Unless you're at a funeral.

My friend told me that I don't understand the meaning of Ironic.

Which was ironic, because we were at a bus station.

I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean?

Also, my IQ test came back positive

The Doomsday Clock is only 100 seconds from midnight, that means the world is going to end in 2 weeks...

When we switch to Daylight Saving Time

Just because you are trash doesn't mean that you can't do great things.

It is called garbage can, not garbage cannot.

I’m sorry and I apologize mean the same thing.

Except at a funeral.

My daughter said she's struggling with a mean girl at school

I advised her to tell her that she's average.

My friend had an affair with a patient. Worked so hard to achieve his degree and one mistake means he lost everything.

A great loss to the veterinary profession.

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"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife. "If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her." "You mean 'than'."

"No."

What's a six-letter word that means a false feeling of accomplishment?

Wordle.

My wife is fed up with my constant stream from /r/Jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?!" She shot back, "Whatever means necessary!!" I chuckled...

"No it doesn't!"

If "lysis" in biology means the process of breaking down or disintegration

"Analysis" is what happens after Taco Bell.

It’s okay not to know what “prefix” means.

I mean, it’s not the end of the word.

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Fun facts about England Fun fact: Sussex, Wessex, Essex, and Middlesex, are all named for points on a compass, South, West, East, and Middle respectively, and represent places of Saxon occupancy. That is, Wessex means West Saxons.

But why Middle and not North, you ask. Well, Little Timmy, there's no north because no one wants to be called Nosex.

I usually ask people what LGBTQ means.

I never get a straight answer.

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Big Mean Steve

There's a boom town out in the desert in the old west.

One day word starts going around that Big Mean Steve's coming. All the shopkeepers start boarding up their windows and half the town starts loading up their wagons. They ask each other, "You sticking around?" "Hell no, Big Mean Steve's co...

TIL what "propaganda" means

It's British for "a really good look at something"

Last year a guy took his Blonde girl friend to the Superbowl

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the

tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't

understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."<...

What's a "68" mean?

You do me and I owe you one.

I found the meaning of life.

It’s on page 937 in the dictionary between the words lie and lifeboat.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any test...

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In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.

Which means most countries will still have functioning governments.

What does Arigato mean?

A Mexican cat named Ari.

(My dad is very proud of this one)

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What’s green, mean and spreads his cheeks at Christmas?

Not the grinch you pessimistic fuck!
Santa’s favourite elf

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Watson, what does constipated mean?

No shit Sherlock

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

T...

What does it mean when a redneck's baby drools out of both sides of its mouth?

The trailer is level.

I just got a seasonal job as one of Santa's helpers! That means...

I'm a subordinate Claus.

if a girl is being nice to you it doesn't mean she is flirting

She might be a Canadian

Amazing how a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence

For example:

-Jane ate her friend's sandwich.

-Jane ate her friend's colon.

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's th...

Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it's only Wednesday

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"Dad, what does 'gays' mean?"

Me: You know how mum and dad love each
other? Well, two men can love each other the same
way.

Daughter: So what is 'penetrating gays'?

Me: Er.. read me the whole sentence.

Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze."

Me: Oh.

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A 6 year old boy visits the zoo with his parents…

…where they stop to see the elephant. While the father’s in the restroom, the son notices one elephant has a rather large erection. Curious, he gets his mom’s attention.

“Mommy, what’s that hanging from the elephant?” “Oh, that’s its trunk honey.” “No, further back!” “Ah, you mean its tail!” ...

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Did you know? In Marseille, they actually give you a certificate with every souvenir you buy, as a means of demonstrating that it's a genuine product of southern France.

It's proven Provence province provenance.

I just taught myself the meaning of the word "autodidact".

That's it.

I’m not always mean, sometimes I’m median. Really depends on my mode.

Statistically my range of jokes are never appreciated.

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“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”



“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid too, and I’ve got the same symptom she has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
...

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I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex Tonight!". I said, "Wow, you're easy". Then her friend said, "she means 666-3629".

Girlfriend messaged me: "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"

What does 'ternative' mean?

I started a poetry club at the prison I work at. It's great for the inmates, but does mean I have to stay late with no extra pay

It's got prose and cons.

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A child asks his father what "gay" means

The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".

Widow at the funeral

Sam died and left $50,000 in his will for an elaborate funeral.
As the last attenders left, Sam's wife, Rose, turned to her oldest friend, Sadie, and said: "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased."

"I'm sure you're right" replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper...

I asked my dog how much i mean to her

She said nothing

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'Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective'

'You're still fucking late' replied my boss.

What do you call a Dinosaur who contemplates the meaning of life?

A Philophosaurus.

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On Air Confession

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or serio...

Mean mommy joke my mom used to tell me

“Mommy mommy I’m tired of running in circles!”

“Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!”

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Blind Man: "Please help me, everyone keeps making nasty jokes about how my disability means I'm somehow inferior to them. I'm constantly hearing thoughtless, heartless reminders about how I'm different from other people, and lacking a sense they have."

World's Worst Therapist: "I see."

I hope that if I ever get rich I won't be mean to poor people

Like I am now

(Dark, I know, but one of my favorite deep thoughts)

The Politician and the Afterlife

While walking down the street one day, a high ranking politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official a...

I’m very glad that the University of Florida invented Gatorade, and not Florida State.

I mean really, what sounds more appetizing: Gatorade, or Seminole Fluid?

When the human body dies, what's the last part to die?

The pupils. They dilate.

I asked this German woman on a scale of 1-10, how likely is it she would go out with me.

Don't mean to brag, but she said 9.

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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?

She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.

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If bedbugs live in beds, does that mean..

..cockroaches........

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Henry, you are 97 years old…

- Henry, you are 97 years old, what’s your secret?
- well I sucked a penis once for 20 dollars
- uh… I mean what’s your secret to long life?
- Eating a lot of vegetables and fruits

What are some jokes with multiple punchlines? Here is an example what i mean:

A journalist was about to interview a company that advertised 100% chicken meat sausages.
The interviewer asked if the sausages are realy 100% chicken meat.
Company director:"well this is a secret, but for the sausages to remain juicy, we need to add some horse meat"
Interviewer: "Horse mea...

It's October 1st and we all know what that means to stores around the world.

*"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas..."*

You know why you should never date a tennis player?

Love means nothing to them.

At a funeral, a man asks the family of the deceased if he can say something.

They say yes, so he stands up, clears his throat and says "Optometry".

The family looks confused, so he explains, "It means eye care."

Scott Morrison was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Morrison if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing' in the field and a tractor runs o...

Doctors say 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea.

### That means one person enjoys it

How would you describe me?

**Wife:** “How would you describe me?”

**Husband:** “ABCDEFGHIJK.”

**Wife:** “What does that mean?”

**Husband:** “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”

**Wife:** “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”

**Husband:** “I’m just ...

No means no.

-page 47 of my Spanish to English dictionary

What do you call a hand job from a communist?

Seizing the means of reproduction.

newlyweds.

A couple gets married and go on a honeymoon, they get to the hotel and go up to their room. They start to get ready for bed.

They had never seen each other naked, so, he stood in from of her and took off his trousers, both of his knees are twisted and scarred.

She asked him “what happe...

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I was on a train the other day when two Swedish men sat down next to me

The two introduced themselves as Sven and Olf. Olf in particular was wearing a t-shirt with the USSR flag on and boasted a cap with a hammer and sickle on, so I assumed he was an avid communist. I asked them if either of them knew where I could get alcohol on the train, and Olf piped up:

"If ...

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The maid told her mistress :"I think I deserve a raise"

Mistress : Give me reasons why you need a raise?"

Maid "I cook better than you"

Mistress :" Who told that?"

Maid " Your husband did."

Mistress "Hmmm"

Maid "I clean the house better than you"

Mistress :" Who told that?"

Maid " Your husband did."
...

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A single sperm contains 37.5mb of DNA information which means that a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587.5 tb

That's a lot of information to swallow

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping.

They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"...

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over taking a drink from a water stream

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead. The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis t...

A Text From Mom

A mom sent a text to her son...
“Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?”
The son replied: “I Don’t Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later.”
The mom replied back to him: “It’s ok, don’t worry about it. I’ll ask your sister, love you too.”

I was feeling poorly so I went to the doctors. After a thorough investigation, he said “don’t eat anything fatty”. I asked “Do you mean fries, burgers, etc?”

He replied “No! Don’t eat anything, FATTY!”

A 17 year old guy walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean."

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack."

The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, co...

I’d like to say thanks to the person who taught me the meaning of the word “many”

It really means a lot

Lottery

This afternoon my wife came home from work early. The moment she was in the door, she called out “pack your bags, I won the lottery!”

I said, “Where are we going?”

“What do you mean, ‘We?’”

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One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
Americ...

The ABCs of Marriage

After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her carefully, then said, "You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

"What does that mean?" she asked suspiciously.

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous a...

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. (NSFW)

A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away.

At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."

Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her seco...

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

A women took a nap on New Years Eve...

A women took a nap on New Years Eve.

When she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?”

He replied, “Aha, you’ll know tonight!” At midnight, her husband handed her a small gift-wrapped pres...

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending...

If you think about it, humans eat more bananas than monkeys

I mean have *you* ever eaten a monkey?

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A man walks into a bar...

The bar tender pours him a glass, when suddenly his drink starts talking to him.

“Go back to your family you filthy alcoholic.” the drink shouts.

The man stares. Stunned, he asks “You can talk?!”

“Yeah I can talk!” The drink says “Take it you’re a bright one.”
“I beg your...

A man walks up to a widow at her husband's funeral

"Would you mind if I said a word about your husband?"

She nods, so he walks up to the podium and says "Plethora".

Returns to the widow and she hugs him and says, "Thank you, that means a lot."

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

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"You are the first woman that has ever given me an orgasm," I told the prostitute.

"That's not true," she replied.

"Of course it is," I laughed. "What do you mean?"

She said, "I'm a man."

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Isaac Newton died a virgin, which means I have a one-up on one of history’s greatest scientific genuises

Because I’m not dead.

What is your favorite Norm Macdonald joke/lune

"You,re the first defensive player ever to win the Heisman trophy, and no one can take that away from you."


"....Unless, of course, you kill your wife and a waiter"

If you see your joke, by all means comment, but don't repeat it, find another -he has thousands and thousands - I ...

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The young couple next door to me recently made a sex tape

I mean they do not know it yet.

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My parents told me I was adopted.

You mean you're not my real parents?! My dad said, 'we are, you've been adopted, get your shit together, they're picking you up in an hour'.

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.

MAN, I sure am LUCKY!

I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!

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I am an audiophile

and it doesn't mean I like to fuck sound players


I do


but not because I'm an audiophile

A young Blonde was on vacation in Louisiana She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!' The shopkeeper said, 'By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yoursel...

I tried to research what the term “confirmation bias” means

All I found was a bunch of fake news, so I stopped reading

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

I don't mean to brag, but...

cashiers are always checking me out

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Voodoo dick

So a older gentleman had fallen in love with a very attractive young woman (maybe around 21 or 22) she was a very sexually active woman and he was always able to please. One day his job called him out on a business trip and he’s be gone for atleast a week. The young woman promised to be faithful but...

Modern cars are always bloated with unnecessary add ons

I mean, who needs turn signals on a BMW.

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A newly married couple visit a doctor.

The doctors asks, "What's the problem?"

Husband replies, "There is a bee stuck in my wife's vagina."

Doctor asks, "How the hell did it get in there??"

Husband, "I'm not sure, but maybe one of the bees, from the beehive right next to our house, happened to get in there, when my w...

A young Taiwanese boy asks his father a question:

(some things don't translate super well, I'll try my best)

He asks: "Dad, I heard some strange words at school today, and I don't know what they mean."

His dad responds, "Hmm... Tell me what they are. I'll try to explain them as best I can."

The boy asks the following: "What's '...

My math teacher told me I was an average student.

That was really mean of him.

A young jock enters a pharmacy to buy condoms

Knowing the pharmacists is an old-fashioned gentleman and noticing a slight frown on his face, the young man decides to have some fun at his expenses by asking for another pack, remarking "you know, my girlfriend truly sounded thirsty last time I talked to her... Better be sure we don't run out!"...

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps. She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later. "Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty nappies!" the doc says. "Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.

Doc says, "No, you've got bowel cancer."

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Desert Island Dicks

A man who has been shipwrecked on a desert island for several years is beginning to feel the effects of being starved of sex for so long. However, the only living creatures on the island are a pig and a dog. One day, the man decides he’s had enough and thinks to himself that it has to be the pig. Bu...

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The word bukkake in Japanese means;

Female student debt relief.

Two marines played a mean prank on an army soldier: after boarding a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston, they decided to put their plan into action... one sat in the window seat, and the other sat in the middle seat waiting for their buddy to join them, and pretty soon he did...

Just before take-off, an army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two marines. The soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the soldier, "I'll get it for ...

Last mortgage payment!

A guy walks into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. "Congratulations to me! I just made my last mortgage payment!" the guy announces. "I mean, I still owe $273,000, I just can't pay it any more."

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Working on an offshore oil rig.

So the new guy is being shown around the offshore oil rig. And while being fascinated by the ship and machinery, he nervously asks the old-timer, "We're going to be out here for over month, and I don't see any women. Not one. What do we when we get horny?"

The old timer nods knowingly and ...

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Three men are walking through the woods when they find an old, battered lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie.

"After all these years, I'm finally free!" the genie booms. "You know what, it's been so long that I'll make an exception and grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars!" In a ...

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The true meaning of disappointment is

Running into a wall with a boner and breaking you nose first.

I am going to work on being less condescending

Con-Dee-Send-Ing - That means I am not going to talk down to people.

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How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw the lightbulb and the other to hold the penis... I mean mother.... I mean ladder.

Jan goes to the doctor for a diet plan.

Jan is terribly overweight, so the doctor hands over a sheet of paper with a diet on it.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.

When Jan returns, The doctor's a...

Retail job interview (2012): Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

You mean after the global pandemic or before the war?

Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence...

For instance:
‟Ben is in a hurry.”
‟Ben is in a coma.”

Two Russian soldiers and a Chechen soldier are discussing their invasion

"These people are really taking this so personally, but we are trying to help them!" says the first solder.

"Yes, I know! Even the women and children!" replies the next. "They gave me these sunflower seeds and told me I would grow beautiful flowers from my corpse. I couldn't believe it!"
<...

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform pre...

Isaac and the Catholic School

Abraham, an Orthodox Jew, has a 13 year old son named Isaac.

Isaac keeps getting sent home from school again for bad behavior. Abraham is at his wits end and doesn’t know what to do. He talks it over with his Catholic neighbor, Frank.

“I don’t know what to do with him,” sighs Abraham...

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to...

English Professor: "While two negatives can mean a positive, in the English language there are no two positives that connote a negative."

From back of class: "Yea. Right!"

This is my 5th cake day which means

My reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids will ever be

Why is North Korea so mean?

They have no Seoul

One day in heaven, Jesus sees a familiar-looking old man sitting by a lake.

"Moses, is that you?"

"Jesus, you rascal, how have you been?"

"Oh, good, no complaints. Say, you know that thing you did with the Red Sea?"

"You mean parting it?"

"Yeah, that. I missed watching you do that the first time, and well, we're here by this big lake, so I was wo...

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- Is there a doctor in the room?

\- I'm a doctor

\- This man is having a heart attack

\- Well, I mean I'm a doctor in Spanish linguistics

\- He's dying, for fucks sake, he's dying!

\- Se está muriendo, coño, se está muriendo!

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Little Bobby woke up early on Thanksgiving Morning

As he was putting on his clothes for the day, he heard a loud, "FUCK!" coming from the Kitchen.

Little Bobby rushed downstairs, to see his mother nursing a cut on her finger.

"Mom, what does 'Fuck' mean?" asked little Bobby.

"It's a way of preparing the turkey for Thanksgiving."...

When I was younger, I jammed a scrabble tile into my nerf gun and shot my brother at close range in the forehead, killing him instantly.

I didn't mean to kill him though, I thought it was a blank.

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor you’ve got to help me. I’ve been stung by a bee.”

"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house."
<...

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A Polar bear cub who lives at the north pole...

He asks his dad, "Am I a polar bear?" His dad says


"I'm a polar bear, and your mother's a polar bear. That means you're a polar bear."


The cub asks "are you sure?"


Dad says" Of course I'm sure, go ask your mother.


Cub asks his mother "Am I a polar...

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A cabbie is waiting outside a Vegas casino when a classically dressed man runs out in a state of extreme distress.

He comes up to the cab and says "You've got to get me to the airport straight away! I'm needed in New York as soon as possible, there's millions at stake!" and the cabbie says "Sure, no problem, fella, just fifty bucks for the fare and we're good to go".


The smartly-dressed man says "Th...

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