UPJOKE
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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

"I'm sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing.

Except at a funeral

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What does the word 'gay' mean?

asked a son to his father.

"It means 'happy,'" replied the father.

"Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?"

"No, son, I have a wife."

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You're living. You have mass. You occupy space. Do you know what that means?

You matter.

"pre" means before and "post" means after...

pre means before and post means after,

to use both at the same time would be...


preposterous!

Whats does /s mean?

And please, no sarcasm in the answers.

My wife asked me what "mansplaining" means

...now what am I supposed to do?

I asked what LGBTQIA means,

But I never get a straight answer

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A child asks his father what "gay" means

The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".

Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?

She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.

What word means the same thing with several letters added?

Mailbox

Amazing how a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence

For example:

-Jane ate her friend's sandwich.

-Jane ate her friend's colon.

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

My wife says I get mean when I drink whiskey. Now I drink Canadian whiskey.

I am still mean but I am sorry, too.

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I saw my wife walk past me with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

Today is laundry day.

Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence...

For instance:
"Ben is in a hurry."
"Ben is in a coma."

Hippos can swim and run faster than humans. What does this mean?

The bycicle is the only way to beat then in a triathlon.

I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean?

Also, my IQ test came back positive

Hip-hop is now 50 years old. Do you know what this means?

It means hip-hop is now old enough to complain about today’s youth being corrupted by hip-hop.

I said to my wife, “I can’t think of a four letter word that means identical.”

Her: Same.

Me: Maybe we should get a thesaurus?

A woman got a pet parrot, but she was horrified to discover that all it did was say mean things and insult her.

Nothing she did could stop it.
She was especially worried because her whole family was coming over for Thanksgiving.

But when Thanksgiving dinner finally came, the parrot didn't say a word the entire time. After the meal, the Parrot turned to its owner and said, "Please forgive my behavior...

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence.

Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch

becomes

Jimmy went to school and ate his colon.

When Kanye says “to find out who rules over you, look at who you cannot criticize”, does he mean…

kids with leukaemia? or battered wives?

What does "IDK" mean?

I keep asking people, but they don't know either.

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What do you call a mean cow

Beef jerk-y

Commas can change the meaning of a sentence.

Example:

I like to eat apples. ---> I like to eat commas.

What does 6.9 mean?

Just another good thing ruined by a period.

Did you hear about the guy that tells everyone what the colors on the graph mean?

That guy’s a legend.

My friend told me that I don't understand the meaning of irony...

...which was ironic because we were at a train station

'I'm sorry' and 'My bad' means the same thing.

Unless you're at a funeral.

Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it's only Wednesday

I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.

What a legend.

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"Dad, what does 'gays' mean?"

Me: You know how mum and dad love each
other? Well, two men can love each other the same
way.

Daughter: So what is 'penetrating gays'?

Me: Er.. read me the whole sentence.

Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze."

Me: Oh.

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My girlfriend came out of the shower and said "I shaved my pussy, you know what that means?

I said "yeah, the fucking drain is clogged again. "

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I recently learned the meaning of threesome

It's when three people have sex together. And a foursome is the same, but with four people. Now i know, why my teacher always called me a handsome guy

I don’t mean to brag

But cashiers are always checking me out.

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."

"It’s pasture bedtime!”

Someone asked me, “since you have autism does that mean you take everything literally?”

I replied, “no, that’s a kleptomaniac.”

My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...

The meaning of life

On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back t...

No means no,

Unless she's dyslexic.

Then it's On.

After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...

...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50

What kind of running means walking?

Running out of gas!

A woman said to her husband: "I just dreamt that you gave me a necklace of pearls. What do you think it means?"

The man smiled and said: "You'll know tonight." That evening, the man came home with a small package which he gave to his wife. She embraced him, and then slowly and unwrapped the package. It contained a book entitled, The Meaning of Dreams.

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One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
Americ...

So what if I don't know what "apocalypse" means.

It's not like it's the end of the world

In America, "five finger discount" means you're shoplifting

In Saudi Arabia, "five finger discount" means you got caught shoplifting.

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I was excited when my girlfriend told me I have a mean dick

Until I realized she is a math major

The Meaning of Life

A Redditor walks into a bar and asks the bartender

“Bartender, get me something new and fresh from r/jokes.” He chirped

“Sorry mate, all we have are reposts from the last 8 years”

“How can this be!” The Redditor exclaimed “If I can’t get my fix from r/jokes, then what is the poi...

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They say English surnames all had a meaning, as in, "Smiths" were blacksmiths and "Taylors" were tailors...

So what the fuck did the Dickinsons do?

A woman asked me, “What does equality mean?”

I said, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

It’s okay if you have no idea what “prefix” means.

It’s not the end of the word.

Drill Sgt: "What do you mean by saying that you have two uncles?"

Private: "I don't have an aunt sir!"

Mean mommy joke my mom used to tell me

“Mommy mommy I’m tired of running in circles!”

“Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!”

I don’t mean to sound racist...

But everyone in the KKK look the same to me.

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A wife says to her husband, "I called the surgery saying I think I'm pregnant, and they said to bring in a specimen. What do they mean?"

He says "I don't know, but Mary next door has been pregnant loads of times, so why not go and ask her?"

So off she goes, and she comes back later with a fat lip, a thick ear, a nosebleed, a black eye, and half her clothing ripped to shreds, and her husband says "What in the name of Jesus, Mar...

A young girl asks her father, “Daddy what does the word ‘corruption’ mean?”

- “Bring me a beer and I’ll tell you.”
- “But mummy says you shouldn’t drink!”
- “Get a nice ice cream as well while you bring me beer.”
- “Oh, okay!”

Christian girls are mean as hell

I didn't know it was possible to be holy ghosted.

If a husband open the car's door for his wife, it can mean one of two things.

Either the car is new, or the wife is.

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If having a big car means you have a small dick and having big feet means you have a big dick

Then its no wonder people are afraid of clowns

What does it mean when you lose a shoe but still survive?

You’re a sole survivor.

Me to HR: Your careers page says the company offers "competitive salary". What does that mean exactly?

HR: That means your salary will be competing with your bills.

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What does it mean if you're gullible about dick jokes?

You're a sucker.

Stop being so mean to PETA.

Steve Irwin taught us to be nice and respect animals.

“Dad, what does coincidence mean?”

“Weird. I was just about to ask you the same thing.”

Here’s a mean joke.

You’re kinda average.

ME: What does "competitive salary" mean?

BOSS: It means your salary will be competing with your bills.

Listen…did you know falcons only live 12-15 yrs? That means every falcon alive right now was born in the 21st century which makes them…

Millennium Falcons

Is it mean to tell a knock knock joke to a

Jehovah's Witness?

I asked my son, “Do you know what I surrender means?”

Him: I give up.

Me: Why? That wasn’t a hard question.

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink. [NSFW]

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink.

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees ...

What do you call a boat full of mean potatoes?

A dictatorship

What does gaslighting mean?

It sounds made up. I bet you made that up.

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A single sperm contains 37.5mb of DNA information which means that a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587.5 tb

That's a lot of information to swallow

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Election and Erection are almost spelled the same. They both mean the same thing too.

A dick rising to power

If Poly means many then...

Politics means Many Bloodsucking Insects

You would think that atoms bonding would mean they're being friendly to eachother

But instead they steal each others electrons.

How ionic.

What does it mean when a man looks deep into your eyes?

it means that you are flat chested.

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What do you call a mean rooster?

Jerk chicken.

I don't mean to make sweeping generalizations

but all brooms are pretty much the same.

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"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife. "If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her." "You mean 'than'."

"No."

A husband and wife were having dinner

They were at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.


His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"


"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mist...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon....

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The d...

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What does it mean to give more than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give
over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answ...

A young girl.

A young girl, who was writing a paper for school, came to her father and asked...

"Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree."

"Let me show you what I mean... "

With that, the father went to the tele...

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Big Mean Steve

There's a boom town out in the desert in the old west.

One day word starts going around that Big Mean Steve's coming. All the shopkeepers start boarding up their windows and half the town starts loading up their wagons. They ask each other, "You sticking around?" "Hell no, Big Mean Steve's co...

Two men found many bags full of money. To be grateful, they decided to share it with God, meaning people in need.

The first man drew a line on the floor and said: I'll throw my part through the air, what comes down on the right side is mine, and on the left side is for the poor, that's God's will.

The second man said: I'll throw all my part through the air, and God will give me back what he wants and kee...

I don't mean to be rude, but the SuperBowl was boring.

No offense.

I am a mean guy.

It sounds so much more macho than, "I am an average person."

Fasting isn't expected of Muslims until they reach puberty. This means that absolutely all Muslim children...

...grow up to fast

Putting it in.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,

'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing t...

What does Arigato mean?

A Mexican cat named Ari.

(My dad is very proud of this one)

My classmates think the math teacher is mean.

I think he's just average.

Some word can have multiple meanings

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes ...

My wife is fed up with me constantly posting jokes here, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?!" She shot back, "Whatever means necessary!!" I chuckled...

"No it doesn't!"

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Roy Moore says he’ll bring “Alabama values” to Washington, but I’m not so sure. I mean, he sexually assaulted teenage girls...

But he wasn’t related to any of ‘em!

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A couple has a big mean dog that tries to bite anyone who comes close

The vet suggests getting the dog fixed to see if that will calm him down. They start walking the dog to the vet's office to get this done, when the dog spots a homless man down an alley. He pulls away from his owners, runs and attacks the homeless man leaving him a bloody mess.

The couple f...

Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it "Bang"

I mean, think about it.. "I BANGED Emma Watson last night."

The meaning of "politics"

The word "politics" derives from the Greek "poly-", meaning "many", and "ticks", meaning "blood-sucking parasites".

What do you call a tree planted by a very mean woman?

A country

What's a "68" mean?

You do me and I owe you one.

Why is North Korea so mean?

They have no Seoul

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When I was young I spent my summers on my mean Auntie and Uncle's farm.

When I was 10 until I was 13, I spent my summers staying on my Auntie and Uncle's farm. My mom said it was to "build character" but really its because I was out of school and she was a single mother and had to work. Auntie and Uncle were not physically abusive but did tell me I was "trash" and all s...

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The popularity of Lightning McQueen racecar beds probably means that Lightning McQueen has been peed on more then any other fictional character.

He really does deserve the "Pissed In" cup.

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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

If lysis means to destroy , then..

Analysis is .....

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I am sorry, I didn't mean to push all your buttons.

I was looking for mute.

“Take out” could mean food, dating, or murder.

If you’re a praying mantis, it means all three at the same time.

I don't know what "procrastinate" means.

I think I'll look it up later.

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