I keep asking people what LGBTQ means,

I never get a straight answer.

"I'm sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing.

Except at a funeral

My uncle swore to me that if i wanted to attract girls, I mean REALLY draw in the chicks, I should roll up a sock and put it in my pants.

I did this at a high school dance, and I when I got home, he asked me if I tried it and did it work. I told him it did not help at all, and only made things worse. He looked down and said, “Well you were supposed to put it in the FRONT!”

Can some please explain to me what it means to identify as queer

Because looked it up and there were no straight answers

If you ever feel like your life has no meaning

Just remember that there is a guy in the BMW factory installing turn signals.

I don't know what "procrastinate" means.

I think I'll look it up later

After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...

...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50

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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

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One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
Americ...

Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence...

For instance:
‟Ben is in a hurry.”
‟Ben is in a coma.”

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Election and Erection are almost spelled the same. They both mean the same thing too.

A dick rising to power

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What do you call couples who use pull out as a means of birth control?

Parents

Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

Thanks to the advance of science, a 75 years old lady got pregnant and had a baby.
When she returned home with the baby from the Maternity Ward, her friends went to visit her.
“Where is the baby? Let’s see him!” Said her friends.
-“Wait for a while””. I’ll show him to you later”.
Half ...

I told my pregnant wife that her not letting me speak to the baby is a mean thing

she told me to stop doing it while I'm going down on her

pre means before and post means after,

to use both at the same time would be...



preposterous

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A child asks his father what "gay" means

The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".

Little Timmy asked his mom "What does baby making faces mean?"

The mom answered "Baby making faces mean that there is a person a few years younger than you making funny faces"


Little Timmy moved on and said "I don't understand this, dad's friend isn't a baby, but he said on the phone he loved her babymaking face"

They say “when pigs fly” means impossible

But how come we have swine flu?

German adults are mean

German kids are kinder.

It’s finally October, and you know what that means!

Americans might actually start wearing masks.

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I was watching porn with the missus and she complained, "This is so unrealistic."

I said, ‟Just because you are unwilling to try new things, does not mean everyone's that frigid.”

‟Not that,” she explained, ‟It's just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny dicks.”

"Take out" means food, dating and murder...

But for a praying mantis, it can be all three at once.

I just learned that ‘amused’ and ‘bemused’ don’t mean the same thing.

At first I laughed, but now I don’t know what to think!

Learnt an interesting fact today..... If you spell "Absolutely Nothing" backwards, you get "Gnihton Yletulosba" which actually means.........

........... Absolutely Nothing!!

My classmates think the math teacher is mean.

I think he's just average.

What does it mean when you come home and catch your wife sitting in the living room?

Her chain from the kitchen is too long.

Today is my first cake day which means

My Reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids will ever be.

What do you call a mean cashew

Nutorious

A scientists asks people on the street whats the most acidic thing they own. One man answers its his phone. The scientist replies: “No, acidic does not mean dirty”

The man replies: “I know, my phone has a ph of one”

What does it mean when the flag at the local Post Office is at half mast?

They're hiring.

I hate when people use "big words" they don't even know the meaning, in order to look samrt.

For me, they are completely photosynthetic.

Guys talk to each other by putting each other down, but they don’t really mean it.

Girls talk to each other by putting each other up... but they don’t really mean that either.

What kind of running means walking?

Running out of gas.

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“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
...

What does 6.9 mean?

Another great thing ruined by a period

There are two possibilities for words that mean "final part" or "smaller amount".

The possibilities are: end, less.

A professor in a Logic class says "Alright class, if you know what 'affirming the consequent' means, then raise your hand."

A student raises her hand.



The Professor says "Ah, yes. You know what it is?"



The student says "No, why would you think so?"

2020 has given an entirely new meaning to drive-by.

More of a shower thought, but it made me chuckle. My kids were invited to a "birthday drive-by" and I don't ever recall a drive-by being a good thing...

I don’t mean to brag, but I just put a puzzle together in 1 day...

and the box said 2-4 years!

Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?

She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.

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I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, and that can only mean one thing.

Today is laundry day.

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Transparent used to mean honest, clear, able to see through.

Now it means picking up tampons for Dad

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Daughter: Mom, what do gays mean?

Me: Well you know, mom and dad love each other. Two men can love each other the same way.

Her: So, what’s penetrating gays?

Mom: Er...can you read me the whole sentence?

Her: She stared at him with a penetrating gaze.

Mom: Oh..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend just emailed me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?

What does the r in r/Jokes mean?

# Recycled

If "Red" means stop

That means i have to stop at the red light district

What does gaslighting mean?

It sounds made up. I bet you made that up.

Remember men, no means no, but one thousand no's and one yes

is YouTube Premium's entire marketing scheme.

I'm trying to learn English. They told me "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, but I'm still confused.

Can anybody please tell me why the widow got mad at me at the funeral?

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If big feet means big dick and big car means small dick...

Then no wonder people are so scared of clowns.

I don’t mean to brag but I finished my 14 day diet

...in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

I don’t mean to sound racist...

But everyone in the KKK look the same to me.

A JOKE MY DAD CAME UP WITH

Since the united states has a nationwide coin shortage, does that mean we lack common cents?

What does democracy and football have in common?

Adding the word American completely changes the meaning.

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

Old lady gets into a Merzedes-Benz taxi cab

As she hops in, the driver asks her where she's going. She gives him an adress, as she's just arrived to town to visit family.

They keep going for a bit, when the old lady notices the very characteristic Mercedes-Benz ornament emblem mounted on the hood.

"So what is that thing for?" s...

Can someone please tell me what TBH IDK mean?

and please stop saying to be honest i don't know

Two Canadians Die and End Up In Hell

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hel...

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One of my classmates in elementary school was mean to me sometimes, but looking back, I just remember the good things.

Like punching that bastard in the face.

What do you call a joke with no meaning?

Life

I mean no offence to anyone in this post btw

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve The Englishman admires it and says, "Look at them, calm, reserved and proper, they were surely English."

The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."<...

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

Stable hand asks his boss: What does it mean that i found a horseshoe in front of the stables this morning?

His boss answers: Means that one of our horses ran off in his socks again!

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

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A well meaning doctor opened an orgasm clinic for people struggling with sex. nsfw

Nobody came.

People are always telling me that “mean” and “rude” have the same definitions. So I ask them,

"what do you rude?"

What does it mean when a man reaches out to hold your hand after 50 years of marriage?

He's just doing a pulse check.

So if the big bang happended 13.8 billions years and matter cannot be created nor destroyed and our bodies are made out of matter, that means that out bodies are 13.8 billion years old

So in conclusion officer, yes she was old enough

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A Cop Pulls a Little Old Lady Over for Speeding

Cop pulls over a little old lady and asks for her licence and registration. When she pulls out her wallet, he sees a handgun in her purse.

"Ma'am, is that a gun in your purse?"

"Yes, Officer, it's a .38 Smith & Wesson revolver."

"Please place that purse on the passenge...

A colon can dramatically change the meaning of a sentence.

Example:

I ate Julie’s sandwich.

I ate Julie’s colon.

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A woman visited her doctor for her annual exam. The doctor asked, “Are you and your husband sexually active?” “Yes, we have verbal sex everyday.” the woman answered. “Verbal sex? I think you mean oral sex!” the doctor laughed. “No, I mean verbal sex.” the woman persisted...

“Every morning my husband and I pass each other in the hall and say, ‘Fuck you!’"

My friend says I don't understand the meaning of "irony"

Despite the fact I keep telling him it's "metallic"

Given that the “logy” ending usually means the study of something such as in “paleontology”...

Do you think that the first analogy was discovered by a proctologist?

My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

I always say muchos to spanish people

It means a lot to them

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By tightly securing our Nuclear Arsenal through human, digital, mechanical and chemical means, we've been able to almost completely eliminate the risk of nuclear warhead explosions due to accidents or hostile attacks, however if these past four years have taught us something ...

... it's that we also need to equip our nukes with child locks.

Why are the scottish mean?

They 'ave rage

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon....

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The dist...

“How much to buy a singing ensemble!?” I asked the clerk. Puzzled, he questioned, "You mean a choir?"

“Fine! How much to acquire a singing ensemble!?”

I know my friend loves my Batman impressions, but that doesn't mean he has to compliment me all the time.

Every single time I say "I'm here to fight for truth, justice, and the American way," he says, "That's super, man!"

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A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.

What a legend.

I met a person claiming to be the greatest lumberjack.

I asked "How do you know, you are the greatest"

Well, have you ever heard of the sahara forest ?

I replied you mean the Sahara desert ?

Well I guess they call it that now.

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

he priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poo...

A man and his dog were walking along a road

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them..

After a while, they came to...

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A guy goes to jail and is talking on the phone to his friend.

Inmate : "So what's your plan to bust me out of this Hell hole?"

Friend : "Ok. Here it is: I'm going to swallow a bunch of rope then do something stupid to get arrested."

Inmate : "I'm listening..."

Friend: "Once I get in there, I'll go to the bathroom, poop out the rope and sne...

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I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex!, Sex!, Sex!, Free sex tonight!" I said "Wow!"

Then her friend said, She mean "666-3629."

I love it when my non german-speaking friends ask me what "sehr viel" means.

It means a lot.

If Poly means many then...

Politics means Many Bloodsucking Insects

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If y = f(x) means y is a function of x

Then;

being a lying ass hoe = f(my(x))

should be an easy equation to understand

"What do you mean, you don't know what's a rhetorical question? What are you, a 6 years old?"

"Actually, I'm 15."

If you don't know what either of the words mean

Waterboarding in Guantanamo Bay sounds like a fun activity.

A Roman walks into a bar and says "I want a martinus"

The confused bartender asks "You mean a martini?"

The roman replies "If I need a second one I will tell you".

A few days ago, my friend explained to me what confirmation bias means.

Now I see it everywhere.

My teacher asked me, "What is the meaning of Apocalypse"..

I didn't know what it meant, and she got really angry. I mean come one, it's not like it's the end of the world.

Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home, Billy mentioned: Dad, our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs like that?

His father, thinking quickly, said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad, that's great," said little Billy.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad! Dad, we almost lost Mom t...

What’s the meaning of eternal love?

Two blind people playing tennis.

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.

"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked.

"I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said.

"Don't you mean Polio?"

"No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."

Not w...

I asked my friend if the last joke I posted was mean.

He said no, it was way below average.

My husband just asked me if I wanted to have a "68." I asked him, "What's that?"

"That means you do me, and I owe you one."

My friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'.

I know he means well.

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's th...

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side o...

If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus was the lamb of God....

.....does that mean, Mary had a little lamb?

FPS has many different meanings

60 FPS is great in Mario kart
But there’s 1 FPS at my school

You mean WHAT?

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending
divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the
middle of the property with a stream running by.”
"No," he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this...

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My teacher asked me what's the meaning of the word "mother".

(This joke is originally in my native language; Thai.
Let's see how well this jokes holds up after translation)

She asked me what is the meaning of "mother"?

But I couldn't answer her, so she told me to ask my dad.

So later that evening I asked my dad, "dad, my teacher told m...

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A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing, the head of the team declared: 'This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high position. The donkey shows that they were intelligent enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means that they were able to forge tools. Even further ...

Don't think that buying shares in a company means you get a say in how it's run.

The company probably issued a billion shares and you've only got one. Which means it's nanoyourbusiness.

I often say il mondo to my Italian friends

it means the world to them

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A cabbie is waiting outside a Vegas casino when a smartly-dressed man runs out in a state of extreme distress.

He comes up to the cab and says "You've got to get me to the airport straight away! I'm needed in New York as soon as possible, there's millions at stake!" and the cabbie says "Sure, no problem, fella, just fifty bucks for the fare and we're good to go".

The smartly-dressed man says "This is ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Commas can really change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

Let's fuck grandma.

Let's fuck, grandma.

A US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies...

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. “What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend et...

A friend of mine always helps me out with maps and diagrams, pointing out all the little symbols and what they mean ...

The guy is a legend.

Trump: "We cannot let a woman be president!"

Staff: "That's not what transition team means, sir."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy was walking to school when he saw a dead dog in the street. When he got to school he told his teacher what he saw. “How do you know if the dog was really dead?” She asked the boy. “Because I pissed in his ear.” The teacher looked horrified. “What do you mean you pissed in his ear??”

“I went up to him and said ‘Pssstt!’ in his ear but he didn’t move.”

Wait, what do you mean Madame Curie is dead?

Because the last time I saw her, she was positively glowing!

Earth is 3rd from the Sun

That means all our problems are 3rd world problems

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

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