I usually ask people what LGBTQ means.

I never get a straight answer.

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A well meaning doctor opened an orgasm clinic for people struggling with sex. nsfw

Nobody came.

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If big feet means big dick and big car means small dick...

Then no wonder people are so scared of clowns.

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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

I just learned that ‘amused’ and ‘bemused’ don’t mean the same thing.

At first I laughed, but now I don’t know what to think!

What does the r in r/Jokes mean?

# Recycled

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Today is my cake day which means

Exactly one year ago, I discovered reddit porn.

I'm trying to learn English. They told me "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, but I'm still confused.

Can anybody please tell me why the widow got mad at me at the funeral?

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I love it when a woman says those magical words which means she's up for sex tonight

"This drink tastes funny"

~Jimmy Carr

I don’t mean to sound racist...

But everyone in the KKK look the same to me.

What are three two letter words that mean small

Is it in

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Election and Erection are almost spelled the same. They both mean the same thing too.

A dick rising to power

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A child asks his father what "gay" means

The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".

I was always told "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing.

Turns out this doesn't apply to funerals, though.

Remember men, no means no, but one thousand no's and one yes

is YouTube Premium's entire marketing scheme.

What does gaslighting mean?

It sounds made up. I bet you made that up.

After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...

...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50

Can someone please tell me what TBH IDK mean?

and please stop saying to be honest i don't know

What does it mean when a man reaches out to hold your hand after 50 years of marriage?

He's just doing a pulse check.

What kind of running means walking?

Running out of gas!

I know my friend loves my Batman impressions, but that doesn't mean he has to compliment me all the time.

Every single time I say "I'm here to fight for truth, justice, and the American way," he says, "That's super, man!"

Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?

She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.

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By tightly securing our Nuclear Arsenal through human, digital, mechanical and chemical means, we've been able to almost completely eliminate the risk of nuclear warhead explosions due to accidents or hostile attacks, however if these past four years have taught us something ...

... it's that we also need to equip our nukes with child locks.

what do you call a mean cow?

mooooody

“How much to buy a singing ensemble!?” I asked the clerk. Puzzled, he questioned, "You mean a choir?"

“Fine! How much to acquire a singing ensemble!?”

"What do you mean, you don't know what's a rhetorical question? What are you, a 6 years old?"

"Actually, I'm 15."

Turning to alcohol when times get rough doesn't mean you have a drinking problem....

It means you have a drinking solution

A colon can dramatically change the meaning of a sentence.

Example:

I ate Julie’s sandwich.

I ate Julie’s colon.

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

Why are the scottish mean?

They 'ave rage

My friend says I don't understand the meaning of "irony"

Despite the fact I keep telling him it's "metallic"

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If y = f(x) means y is a function of x

Then;

being a lying ass hoe = f(my(x))

should be an easy equation to understand

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to He...

I mean no offence to anyone in this post btw

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve The Englishman admires it and says, "Look at them, calm, reserved and proper, they were surely English."

The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."<...

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

What do you call a joke with no meaning?

Life

I love it when my non german-speaking friends ask me what "sehr viel" means.

It means a lot.

If you don't know what either of the words mean

Waterboarding in Guantanamo Bay sounds like a fun activity.

FPS has many different meanings

60 FPS is great in Mario kart
But there’s 1 FPS at my school

My teacher asked me, "What is the meaning of Apocalypse"..

I didn't know what it meant, and she got really angry. I mean come one, it's not like it's the end of the world.

A few days ago, my friend explained to me what confirmation bias means.

Now I see it everywhere.

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

My friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'.

I know he means well.

What’s the meaning of eternal love?

Two blind people playing tennis.

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My teacher asked me what's the meaning of the word "mother".

(This joke is originally in my native language; Thai.
Let's see how well this jokes holds up after translation)

She asked me what is the meaning of "mother"?

But I couldn't answer her, so she told me to ask my dad.

So later that evening I asked my dad, "dad, my teacher told m...

“Take out” could mean food, dating, or murder.

If you’re a praying mantis, it means all three at the same time.

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A woman visited her doctor for her annual exam. The doctor asked, “Are you and your husband sexually active?” “Yes, we have verbal sex everyday.” the woman answered. “Verbal sex? I think you mean oral sex!” the doctor laughed. “No, I mean verbal sex.” the woman persisted...

“Every morning my husband and I pass each other in the hall and say, ‘Fuck you!’"

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side o...

I asked my friend if the last joke I posted was mean.

He said no, it was way below average.

Wait, what do you mean Madame Curie is dead?

Because the last time I saw her, she was positively glowing!

A man walks up to the Widow at a funeral and asks if he can say a word.

"Of course", she replies.

The man plucks up the courage and says, "Bargain".

The Widow looks at him, teary eyed and says,

"Thank you so much, that means a great deal".

Don't think that buying shares in a company means you get a say in how it's run.

The company probably issued a billion shares and you've only got one. Which means it's nanoyourbusiness.

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A young boy was walking to school when he saw a dead dog in the street. When he got to school he told his teacher what he saw. “How do you know if the dog was really dead?” She asked the boy. “Because I pissed in his ear.” The teacher looked horrified. “What do you mean you pissed in his ear??”

“I went up to him and said ‘Pssstt!’ in his ear but he didn’t move.”

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Commas can really change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

Let's fuck grandma.

Let's fuck, grandma.

I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.

What a legend.

If Poly means many then...

Politics means Many Bloodsucking Insects

You mean WHAT?

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending
divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the
middle of the property with a stream running by.”
"No," he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this...

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

If the Big Bang happened 13.8 billion years ago, and matter cannot be created or destroyed, and all of our bodies are made up of matter, that means we are 13.8 billion years old.

So in conclusion officer, yes she was old enough.

If you have no idea what prefix means, don’t worry.

It’s not the end of the word.

It is mean to make fun of Trump for using both hands to drink coz of his injury

He touched The Bible a few weeks ago and the injury hasn't healed yet.

"Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective."

"You're still late" replied my boss.

Some people like bread, sure. I mean, who doesn't want bread? But some people, like it enough to make their own...

Those people, they knead bread.

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A teacher is trying to instruct her class on the meaning of the word "definitely".

"Can anyone give man an example?" She asks.

Suzie raises her "the grass is definitely green."

"Sometimes the grass can be brown," the teacher answers. "Anyone else?"

"The sky is definitely blue." Says Timmy.

"The sky can by gray if it's cloudy, or black at night." Says th...

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know w...

A friend of mine always helps me out with maps and diagrams, pointing out all the little symbols and what they mean ...

The guy is a legend.

Thanks for telling me the meaning of plethora

It means a lot

What do you mean June is over.

Julying.

I've had it with people reposting that joke that mistakenly implies that "plethora" means "a lot".

It's too much.

Husband: "We should return to being like we were in the good old days". Wife: "What do you mean honey?"

Husband: "You don't know me and I don't know you"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

Did you know “Vegetarian” is a Native American word?

It means “Lousy Hunter”


I am Native American and this joke has been told to me a couple of times. Thought I’d share.

If being Russian means my b's are v's,

Then Soviet

^(not a repost)

And then there was the male spotted owl who told his wife, "What do you mean you have a headache?

We're an endangered species!"

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a little head...

*After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head."

The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on an desert...

Son: "Dad, I have an imaginary girlfriend!"

Dad: " You know you can do better."

Son: "Oh! Thanks Dad, that means a lot."

Dad: " I was talking to your girlfriend. "

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After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.



When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"



The mysterious Man answered "This isn...

A man's girlfriend went to Europe for 5 days with some girlfriends.

She asked her boyfriend to watch her cat while she was gone. The first day she was gone, the cat was hit by a car and was killed. The first day she was gone she called and asked how her cat was doing. He didn't want to ruin her vacation so he said the cat was fine. The second day she called and he s...

I mean what else do you expect...

...when your store name is Target

. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.

The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

What does 'no se' mean in Spanish?

Every time I ask someone, they tell me they don't know.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“W...

I just found out about the second meaning of BBC....

Who cares about British television?

I don't mean to be pedantic, but...

Does anyone actually have the 'Ghostbusters' number?

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I just saw my wife walk around with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boris Johnson dies...

His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnso...

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What do mean people and gays have in common?

They both are fucking assholes

Ah, Perry the Platypus. Before I begin, I would like to assure you that this joke was absolutely not stolen. And of course by not stolen I mean COMPLETELY STOLEN! *activates trap*

Behold, My voice-changenator! This masterpiece has the power to modify people's voices across the tristate area! Watch as I merely post to my blog, and then any one who reads it is suddenly unable to resist even thinking in a voice other than my own!

Reporter: “Sir, did you mean to come up with the, now famous, ‘no pun in ten did’ joke?”

“Nope, unintended.”

I don’t mean to sound paranoid about changing lanes while driving

But I’m always looking over my shoulder

Wife: "I shaved down there. You know what that means..."

Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."

Fat people are great. It just means there's more of them to love.

Said the cannibal.

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A Polish man moved to America and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following ...

If your Doctor spoke like Trump

So it seems you’ve tested positive for the Chinese virus, the so-called Covid NINETEEN, the Corona—nobody knows what to call it, quite frankly. It’s the most amazing thing, no one knew anything about Corona until a few weeks ago.

But the moment I heard about it—the Wuhan flu; it’s also the W...

A mother ant and her daughter were out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One, with a sign reading *It's time to GO!,* spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, can you spare a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause...

every time I hear this, I burst out laughing.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes woke up Watson and said: "Watson lookup in the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied: " see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "...

I don't know why people say that pee is stored in the balls.

I mean, there's a vas deferens between the two.

So what if I don’t know what Apocalypse means

It’s not like it’s the end of the world

Did you know atoms don't touch each other that means we have never touched anything in our lives

So no officer i did not punch that kid

Just because I like maths doesn't mean I'm good at doing it

Same goes for women

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How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence...

For instance:

"Ben is in a hurry."

"Ben is in a coma."

In a convent, the Mother Superior, a very mean woman, woke up.

\- What a wonderful day! Today, I'm so happy, I'll even be nice for the nuns - she said.

She got out of her room and saw a nun in the hall.

\- Good morning, Sister Joanna! You look really beautiful today! And that shirt you're knitting is so pretty!

\- Thanks, Mother. You look g...

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV - 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI

No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its mea...

A statistician walks up to a girl in the bar

**Guy**: You're the most average girl out here.

**Girl**: Hey, you're mean!

**Guy**: No, you are.

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

“Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

Wit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today is 4/20 and we all know what that means -

Happy birthday, Adolf Hitler!

Dude1: Hey, what does coincidence mean?

Dude2: I don't know. But that's weird, that's what I'm thinking about, too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got that mean dick

And by mean I mean average

Americans have a terrible sense of humour

I mean, their healthcare is a joke and most of them don't even get it.

Everyone keeps making fun of me because I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means

Honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not the end of the world.

Fighting COVID-19 by contact tracing and quarantining those with connections to infected people means that...

Poor Kevin Bacon never gets to leave his home.

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If the suffix -ist means expert of something

Then damn I must be a sadist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A single sperm has about 37.5 mb of data in it. That would mean a single ejaculation would be a transfer of about 1.587 tb worth of data

That’s a lot of information to swallow, I know.

I dont mean to brag about my drum jokes but um...

tsss

My math teacher called me average

How mean is that ?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the blind prostitute?

I mean, you’ve got to hand it to this woman.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My buddy just said: "I really don't get this toilet paper thing. I mean, how could they even eat so much, that it'd be necessary to take that many dumps?"

I replied: "Yeah, I know, goddamned wankers"

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