The 121+ Best Mean Jokes

"I'm sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing.

Except at a funeral

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You're living. You have mass. You occupy space. Do you know what that means?

You matter.

After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...

...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50

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I saw my wife walk past me with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

Today is laundry day.

My wife says I get mean when I drink whiskey. Now I drink Canadian whiskey.

I am still mean but I am sorry, too.

"pre" means before and "post" means after...

pre means before and post means after,

to use both at the same time would be...

preposterous!

My wife asked me what "mansplaining" means

...now what am I supposed to do?

My friend was shocked when I told him I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means.

I said “Relax. It’s not the end of the world.”

I asked what LGBTQIA means,

But I never get a straight answer

Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?

She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.

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A child asks his father what "gay" means

The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".

What word means the same thing with several letters added?

Mailbox

Amazing how a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence

For example:

-Jane ate her friend's sandwich.

-Jane ate her friend's colon.

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

Whats does /s mean?

And please, no sarcasm in the answers.

When Kanye says “to find out who rules over you, look at who you cannot criticize”, does he mean…

kids with leukaemia? or battered wives?

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

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What does the word 'gay' mean?

asked a son to his father.

"It means 'happy,'" replied the father.

"Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?"

"No, son, I have a wife."

A woman got a pet parrot, but she was horrified to discover that all it did was say mean things and insult her.

Nothing she did could stop it.
She was especially worried because her whole family was coming over for Thanksgiving.

But when Thanksgiving dinner finally came, the parrot didn't say a word the entire time. After the meal, the Parrot turned to its owner and said, "Please forgive my behavior...

Hip-hop is now 50 years old. Do you know what this means?

It means hip-hop is now old enough to complain about today’s youth being corrupted by hip-hop.

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."

"It’s pasture bedtime!”

I said to my wife, “I can’t think of a four letter word that means identical.”

Her: Same.

Me: Maybe we should get a thesaurus?

Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it's only Wednesday

I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean?

Also, my IQ test came back positive

My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...

The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence.

Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch

becomes

Jimmy went to school and ate his colon.

Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence...

For instance:
"Ben is in a hurry."
"Ben is in a coma."

Did you hear about the guy that tells everyone what the colors on the graph mean?

That guy’s a legend.

A woman said to her husband: "I just dreamt that you gave me a necklace of pearls. What do you think it means?"

The man smiled and said: "You'll know tonight." That evening, the man came home with a small package which he gave to his wife. She embraced him, and then slowly and unwrapped the package. It contained a book entitled, The Meaning of Dreams.

I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.

What a legend.

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A wife says to her husband, "I called the surgery saying I think I'm pregnant, and they said to bring in a specimen. What do they mean?"

He says "I don't know, but Mary next door has been pregnant loads of times, so why not go and ask her?"

So off she goes, and she comes back later with a fat lip, a thick ear, a nosebleed, a black eye, and half her clothing ripped to shreds, and her husband says "What in the name of Jesus, Mar...

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My girlfriend came out of the shower and said "I shaved my pussy, you know what that means?

I said "yeah, the fucking drain is clogged again. "

Commas can change the meaning of a sentence.

Example:

I like to eat apples. ---> I like to eat commas.

'I'm sorry' and 'My bad' means the same thing.

Unless you're at a funeral.

Someone asked me, “since you have autism does that mean you take everything literally?”

I replied, “no, that’s a kleptomaniac.”

Listen…did you know falcons only live 12-15 yrs? That means every falcon alive right now was born in the 21st century which makes them…

Millennium Falcons

What does "IDK" mean?

I keep asking people, but they don't know either.

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There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.

"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
Americ...

My friend told me that I don't understand the meaning of irony...

...which was ironic because we were at a train station

What does 6.9 mean?

Just another good thing ruined by a period.

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"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife. "If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her." "You mean 'than'."

"No."

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I was excited when my girlfriend told me I have a mean dick

Until I realized she is a math major

My wife is fed up with me constantly posting jokes here, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?!" She shot back, "Whatever means necessary!!" I chuckled...

"No it doesn't!"

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A single sperm contains 37.5mb of DNA information which means that a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587.5 tb

That's a lot of information to swallow

Me to HR: Your careers page says the company offers "competitive salary". What does that mean exactly?

HR: That means your salary will be competing with your bills.

I just learned that ‘amused’ and ‘bemused’ don’t mean the same thing.

At first I laughed, but now I don’t know what to think!

If a husband open the car's door for his wife, it can mean one of two things.

Either the car is new, or the wife is.

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They say English surnames all had a meaning, as in, "Smiths" were blacksmiths and "Taylors" were tailors...

So what the fuck did the Dickinsons do?

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"Dad, what does 'gays' mean?"

Me: You know how mum and dad love each
other? Well, two men can love each other the same
way.

Daughter: So what is 'penetrating gays'?

Me: Er.. read me the whole sentence.

Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze."

Me: Oh.

Two men found many bags full of money. To be grateful, they decided to share it with God, meaning people in need.

The first man drew a line on the floor and said: I'll throw my part through the air, what comes down on the right side is mine, and on the left side is for the poor, that's God's will.

The second man said: I'll throw all my part through the air, and God will give me back what he wants and kee...

A young girl asks her father, “Daddy what does the word ‘corruption’ mean?”

- “Bring me a beer and I’ll tell you.”
- “But mummy says you shouldn’t drink!”
- “Get a nice ice cream as well while you bring me beer.”
- “Oh, okay!”

What does it mean when you lose a shoe but still survive?

You’re a sole survivor.

In America, "five finger discount" means you're shoplifting

In Saudi Arabia, "five finger discount" means you got caught shoplifting.

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Roy Moore says he’ll bring “Alabama values” to Washington, but I’m not so sure. I mean, he sexually assaulted teenage girls...

But he wasn’t related to any of ‘em!

A woman asked me, “What does equality mean?”

I said, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."
Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said,...

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Election and Erection are almost spelled the same. They both mean the same thing too.

A dick rising to power

What kind of running means walking?

Running out of gas!

Mean mommy joke my mom used to tell me

“Mommy mommy I’m tired of running in circles!”

“Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!”

Is it mean to tell a knock knock joke to a

Jehovah's Witness?

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NSFW An upset older gentleman calls his doctor. "Doctor Smith," it's Harold Renquist." "How can I help you today, Harold?" "Doctor, it's my wife of 42 years, Ethel. I think she's dead." "What do you mean you "think" she's dead?" asked the doctor.

"Well," said Harold, "the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up in the sink”

Fasting isn't expected of Muslims until they reach puberty. This means that absolutely all Muslim children...

...grow up to fast

The meaning of life

On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back t...

Alright so hear me out, if the big bang was 13.8 billion years ago, and matter cannot be created nor destroyed, and all our bodies are made of matter, that mean we're all 13.8 billion years old...

so in conclusion yes officer she was old enough.

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A couple has a big mean dog that tries to bite anyone who comes close

The vet suggests getting the dog fixed to see if that will calm him down. They start walking the dog to the vet's office to get this done, when the dog spots a homless man down an alley. He pulls away from his owners, runs and attacks the homeless man leaving him a bloody mess.

The couple f...

I don’t mean to sound racist...

But everyone in the KKK look the same to me.

I am shooting a scene about a Korean martial art. The second shot wasn’t perfect by any means.

Take one though…

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What does it mean if you're gullible about dick jokes?

You're a sucker.

Christian girls are mean as hell

I didn't know it was possible to be holy ghosted.

What do you call a boat full of mean potatoes?

A dictatorship

What does it mean when a man looks deep into your eyes?

it means that you are flat chested.

I came home from the bar the last night and was met by my wife asking, " WHAT DO YOU MEAN COMING HOME HALF DRUNK?!?!"

I said, "I ran out of money!"

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Did you know? In Marseille, they actually give you a certificate with every souvenir you buy, as a means of demonstrating that it's a genuine product of southern France.

It's proven Provence province provenance.

If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help.

Follow the dog and you'll get a free purse or wallet.

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When I was young I spent my summers on my mean Auntie and Uncle's farm.

When I was 10 until I was 13, I spent my summers staying on my Auntie and Uncle's farm. My mom said it was to "build character" but really its because I was out of school and she was a single mother and had to work. Auntie and Uncle were not physically abusive but did tell me I was "trash" and all s...

I don’t mean to sound Old Fashioned, but I’ve got to say it…

One and a half ounces of Bourbon, one sugar cube, two dashes of angostura bitters, and a few dashes of plain water.

BLONDE One afternoon, two blondes were sitting on the front porch. The first woman said" Here comes my husband with a bunch of flowers. That means I'll be on my back with my legs in the air all weekend."

The other woman replied "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

No means no,

Unless she's dyslexic.

Then it's On.

I don't mean to brag....

but cashiers are always checking me out.

The Meaning of Life

A Redditor walks into a bar and asks the bartender

“Bartender, get me something new and fresh from r/jokes.” He chirped

“Sorry mate, all we have are reposts from the last 8 years”

“How can this be!” The Redditor exclaimed “If I can’t get my fix from r/jokes, then what is the poi...

Here’s a mean joke.

You’re kinda average.

What element does ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQSTUVWXYZ mean?

Argon

I don't mean to be rude, but the SuperBowl was boring.

No offense.

What does it mean when a redneck's baby drools out of both sides of its mouth?

The trailer is level.

I asked a lot of people the meaning of LGBTQ

.
.
None of them gave me a straight answer

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What do you call a mean rooster?

Jerk chicken.

What do you call a tree planted by a very mean woman?

A country

I don't mean to brag... but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it's an extension of my soul.

It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.

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If having a big car means you have a small dick and having big feet means you have a big dick

Then its no wonder people are afraid of clowns

There are two kinds of people: those who know the meaning of the word 'inflammable',

and I would like to offer my condolences to the grieving families of the second group.

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A teacher asked the class if anyone knew the meaning of the word contagious.

Little Billy puts his hand up and the teacher says “Billy, you know the meaning of the word contagious?” Billy says “yes Miss, I do!” The teacher replies, “well then Billy, I’d like to see you use it in a sentence” Billy says “ok then, the other day my dad and I were walking down the road and saw a ...

I don't mean to make sweeping generalizations

but all brooms are pretty much the same.

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I am sorry, I didn't mean to push all your buttons.

I was looking for mute.

I don't mean to brag, but I solved a puzzle in 10 minutes...

Even though the box said 2-4 years.

I may not technically be a dad, but that doesn't mean I can't tell Dad jokes!

...after all, I am a GROAN man.

Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar. I mean, she always said she wanted...

...a night in, shining armor.

If I'm not a solid, a liquid, or a gas, does that mean...

...I don't matter?

What does gaslighting mean?

It sounds made up. I bet you made that up.

I went to Germany, stood outside a famous baroque composer’s house, and pondered the meaning of life.

That’s what you call thinking outside the Bach’s.

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I asked my friend if he'd give me a four letter verb that means "to be aware of"

... but that asshole kept telling me no!

Just because you are trash doesn't mean that you can't do great things.

It is called garbage can, not garbage cannot.

"What did you mean by telling everyone I'm an idiot?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't know it was supposed to be a secret."

To her credit, the nurse that prepped me for my vasectomy was very gentle and I'm sure she didn't mean to be unkind.

But I don't think it was very nice of her to say "Just a little prick, sir".

if a girl is being nice to you it doesn't mean she is flirting

She might be a Canadian

Mom ! Mom ! The mean kids keep saying I have big ears !

"Oh really ? I'll talk to them. Where are they ?"

"In the next town over !"

I got myself a Crypto wallet and surfed the Dark Web, seeing what illicit "goods and services" were available, if you know what I mean?.

Chuffed to bits. Managed to get an appointment with a GP.

“How much to buy a singing ensemble!?” I asked the clerk. Puzzled, he questioned, "You mean a choir?"

“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble!?”

I started a poetry club at the prison I work at. It's great for the inmates, but does mean I have to stay late with no extra pay

It's got prose and cons.

My wife always tells me that I treat my kid unfair. I don't even know which one she means.

***Thomas, Jane or the fat and ugly one?***

"I'm a socialist drinker!" The bartender chuckled and asked me, "Don't you mean social drinker?"

"No, I only drink when someone else is paying."

I’ve recently been asking people what LGBTQ means

No ones been able to give me a straight answer yet

“Take out” could mean food, dating, or murder.

If you’re a praying mantis, it means all three at the same time.

Some word can have multiple meanings

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes ...

What are some jokes with multiple punchlines? Here is an example what i mean:

A journalist was about to interview a company that advertised 100% chicken meat sausages.
The interviewer asked if the sausages are realy 100% chicken meat.
Company director:"well this is a secret, but for the sausages to remain juicy, we need to add some horse meat"
Interviewer: "Horse mea...

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A guy storms into a bank, pulls out his gun, points it at a teller and hollers, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” Trembling, the teller stammers, “D...d...don’t y...y...you m...m...mean h...h...history?”

The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!”

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps. She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later. "Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty nappies!" the doc says. "Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.

Doc says, "No, you've got bowel cancer."

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Isn't it weird that phrases mean something totally different as an adult than when you were a kid?

Like, "It's time for a spanking." "You've been a bad girl." Or "Come over here and suck daddy's dick."

Someone once told me, "You have a tendency to twist people's meanings to suit yourself."

I replied, "I'll take that as a compliment."

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A Native American child asks his father what his sister's name means.

He tells the child, "since we are one with the earth, after you are born, the elder steps out to gaze upon the land. The first thing that he sees will be your name. When your sister was born, the elder stepped out and saw a fox running through the field. And so we named her Running Fox."

"Wha...

If lysis means to destroy , then..

Analysis is .....

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