UPJOKE
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Believe Jokes

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros.

There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

I only believe 12.5% of the Bible

I guess that makes me an eighth-theist

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I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.

I've never seen one before, but I have faith.

Believe all women. Really? ALL of them?

That’s the dumbest thing I’ve Amber Heard.

I'm appalled and really can't believe all the tasteless jokes about the Titanic submarine.

Seriously, how can people sink so low?

Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they make the toys.

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician!

I was just sitting there doing nothing!

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A married couple were sitting at their dinner table when the wife says, "I cannot believe it!"

The husband looks up and asks, "you can't believe what?"

The wife turns her phone around and shows him what she was reading.

"Did you know, in Las Vegas, you can make $400 just for giving a BJ! Easy money! Fuck you, I'm out of here!"

She goes to the bedroom and starts packing a...

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by their government and the media.

But I know that can't possibly be true. Because every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

What do you call people who believe in Satan?

Christians

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West...

...could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...

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Some people don't believe the allegations that Louis CK whipped his dick out...

...others saw it coming.

I can’t believe I just got sacked from the keyboard factory

They said I wasn’t putting enough shifts in

No one believes seniors...

No one believes seniors… Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It w...

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I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me.

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.” “You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front...

My girlfriend called me a gullible idiot and said I shouldn't believe everything I see on the Internet

I told her I don't have to put up with this, not when there are desperate single milfs less than a mile away

I told my wife I was making a bicycle out of spaghetti. She didn't believe me...

Until I rode pasta.

I’ve always believed that a good speech is like a girls mini skirt…

... Short enough to get everyone's attention and long enough to cover the most important bits!!

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.

I thought it would be a piece of cake!

Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you.

Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

I can't believe people are celebrating the Fourth of July early and lighting off fireworks already.

One of my neighbor's fireworks landed in my yard and almost lit my Christmas decorations on fire.

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Bap...

You can make a capitalist poor and they’ll still believe in Capitalism

But if you make a socialist rich, you have a new capitalist.

Can’t believe the film Groundhog Day came out 30 years ago....

It feels like yesterday.

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What did Sigmund Freud believe came between fear and sex?

Funf.

People are 63% more likely to believe a made up stat if you say it confidently

This increases to 78.47 if you add a decimal

Fishermen hate him- You won't believe the one item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else

Click bait.

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What do you call a 36 year old who believes in abstinence-only sex-ed?

Grandma.

I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home, all the signs were there

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

Mark says to John: "Can you believe that an Arab millionaire saw my wife and told me that he would pay her weight in gold?"

John: "I can't believe it, and what did you say?"
Mark: "I asked him if he could wait a month."
John: "So you can think about it?"
Mark: "No, to make her fat."

I can't believe Penn State took the Joe Paterno Statue down.

They should have just turned it so it looked the other way.

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I was passionately kissing a Thai woman. I gently slid my hand up her thigh until I reached her panties, then I touched her crotch and I couldn't believe what I felt.

A vagina.

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I can’t believe our son would go so far.”

Me: Me neither. This trebuchet is awesome. Go get our daughter.

My friend didn’t believe me that Slash was in AC/DC

C’mon he is right there in the middle

My father believed that men learn by just doing things and figuring it out so when I was 3 my dad threw me into the ocean.

To teach himself CPR.

My wife threatened to leave me because I wouldnt stop singing "I'm a believer". I thought she was joking

And then I saw her face...

"It's a boy!" I shouted, tears rolling down my face. "I don't believe it. A boy!"

It was at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.

My boyfriend didn’t believe me when I told him ‘very’ is an adjective

“It’s an adverb!”

Those were his very words.

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today.

That’s 7 years in a row now.

I can't believe how much more expensive air mattresses are than regular mattresses.

How do they justify these inflated prices?

You’ll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

Everybody.

The psychologist said that children at a certain mental age believe that everybody knows what they’re thinking.

He used a doll to prove his point.

He placed a crayon box filled with candles on the table in front of the child. He then asked the child what was in the box. Of course the child answered crayons.

Then the psychologist opened the box to show the child that the box contained not cray...

My wife and I had two miscarriages last year, and I believe there should be more jokes about miscarriages so we talk about it more...

The only problem is most of the jokes die before you finish delivering them.

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*The title of the post is true and humor is how I deal with my pain*

Some People Believe...

Some people believe that the best pizza is from New York. Some believe that pizza from Chicago is best. Others believe that the best pizza is from Italy. However, according to the most recent findings, the *best* pizza may have been lost to the ages. New archeological findings suggest that the golde...

When I heard this morning that the Prime Minister of Canada is separating from his wife, I couldn’t believe it.

Turns out…it was Trudeau.

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As a boy, I was made to believe that earwigs lived in ears

Henceforth, I was terrified of cockroaches

My neighbour just banged on the wall at 4.20am, can you believe it!!? Luckilly I was still up playing music.

He banged and shouted ' can we have a little respect please!'

I shouted back..., 'I'm not a big Erasure fan, but ok this one's for you!'

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I can't believe they're still together after all that shit!

Looks like my ass cheeks are really inseparable.

Roman guy: You won't believe how many women I've slept with

Second Roman: mmm?

Roman Guy: don't be ridiculous, not that many

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I can't believe how calm my parents are being about me coming out as gay.

Because the wife's going fucking mental.

A man runs into his buddy at the bar and says to him, "You wouldn't believe it, but I've got a nympho sitting in my car in the parking lot.

But, she's completely wrecked me and I need a break, can't you go and keep her busy for awhile? The car's interior lights are broken, so she won't even know it's not me."His buddy agrees and goes to the car. As soon as he steps in they get busy in the back seat. A couple minutes later a police offic...

You may not believe me when I say that Trump isn't the Prime Minister of Canada

It's Trudeau.

Why don't people believe I'm a Russian space explorer?

cos 'm not

I don't believe in superstitious stuff, but these crystals I bought a week ago have been amazing.

I've been happier, more focused, and even started losing some weight.

Plus, I'm good friends with the guy selling them and I got them pretty cheaply.

Not only that, but he was nice enough to throw in a glass pipe to smoke the meth with.

I can't believe I came in last at the Karate competition.

I'm still kicking myself.

My buddy sidled up next to me at the club and said, "Hate to be the one to break this to you, but I just saw some dude put his arms around your girl three times." I laughed and told him I didn’t believe him because...

Nobody’s got arms that long.

I can't believe that viruses and bacteria would just invade my body without a permission.

That makes me sick

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Cannot believe the new Chocolate Factory prequel movie is unimaginatively titled “Wonka”…

I mean we had “Young Sheldon”, so why can’t we have “Small Willy”?

It would be a much better fit.

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat die and go to heaven. God greets the three and asks each what they believe in. First God asks the German Shepherd who replies, "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master." God says, "This is good, you can sit here at my right hand."

Next, God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies, "I believe in love and protecting my master." God says, "Wonderful, you can sit here at my left."

Finally, God asks the cat what he believes in and the cat replies, "I believe you are in my seat."

I used to not believe in chiropractors...

But now, I stand corrected.

Christian’s these days only believe in like 12.5% of the Bible

I swear most are Eighth-iest

I can't believe that they fired me from the clock making factory!

After all the extra hours I put into it!

Don't believe everything you hear

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator r...

Can you believe marijuana is still illegal in Jamaica?

Bob Marley must be rolling in his grave.

My girlfriend didn’t believe me, I could make a car of out spaghetti

You should of seen her face when I drove straight pasta

Would you believe me…

Would you believe me if I told you that I think a dog could retrieve a stick that’s been thrown over 700 miles away? Or would you say that idea is…




far fetched?

Can’t believe it’s nearly 1996

and they haven’t found a cure for Alzheimer’s

I can't believe christmas is 364 days away...

And people already have their decorations up.

You might not agree with or even believe the claims of the Canadian prime minister

It's Trudau.

I helped my neighbour with something this morning and she said, ‘’I could marry you!’’, I couldn’t believe it

You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return!

My Father-In-Law ,who is turning 90, told me this joke. I couldn't believe it.

A girl was picking fruit in an orchard. The fruit she wanted was so high up she need to climb a ladder to get it. Because the ladder was not steady she asked a man if he would be a gentleman and brace the ladder while she climbed it, and he agreed. When she made it to the top she looked down and ...

My wife is never gonna believe why her valentine gifts aren’t here today.

I ordered her balloons from Temu but they keep getting shot down.

I don't believe in the Big Bang

Considering it's a multiverse, I'm thinking "medium" Bang is more likely

Why can't you believe atoms ?

Because they make up everything

I don’t believe in reincarnation anymore

But I used to in a past life

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

I can't believe my doctor charged me $20,000 for a circumcision! He didn't even do it right.

What a rip-off.

Can't believe someone broke into my shed and stole my limbo stick

How low can ya go

I can't believe how many people don't understand erectile dysfunction.

I mean, it's not hard.

A woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says, "I believe I can see into the future"

The shrink asks, "When did this start?"



"Next Tuesday"

I don't believe in Reincarnation....

And I didn't believe in it last time, either.'

OMG guys, you won't believe this but James Bond just came into the bar I work at and ordered a drink

I'm literally shaking right now

“Don’t believe everything you read on the internet just because they quote someone famous.”

— Abraham Lincoln

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My favorite NSFW Joke: A guy calls his friend, and says "you're not gonna BELIEVE what happened to me last night...

I was walking home from the bar, and I saw this woman tied to the railroad tracks, like in the old silent movies!"

His friend says "that's crazy! So what did you do?"
"Well, I untied her of course! And then I took her home and had sex with her all night long."

His friend says "tha...

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Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts

is to make males stupid.

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What’s your because no one else was there no one will believe it story?

For me it’s when I lost my virginity.

I don't believe Canada is real.

I think it's all maple leaf.

Do you believe in life after death?

A Boss Asks his Employee: “Do you believe that there is Life After Death?”.

Employee: “Certainly not Sir, there’s no proof of it”.

Boss: “Well, there is.... After you left office early yesterday to go to your cousin’s funeral, he came here looking for you.”

During a trial the defendant says "Your Honor, I believe that someone who saw his father die from the hands of a man he trusted most, and then witnessed the same thing happen to his mother, deserves to be granted a more lenient sentence".

The judge replies: "Sir, while I appreciate your concern, I do not think this line of thought applies to murdering your own parents."

I don't believe in hitting my children as punishment

So I send them to school wearing crocs and skechers and let other kids beat them instead

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I can't believe DCU fans wanted to ban Amber Heard

From their movies there seems to be no better place to shit the bed.

The chinese believe that eating certain foods on lunar new year will shape your future.

Personally, I think it's just a supperstition.

Can you believe I was thrown out of my church for claiming Jesus spoke with a lisp?

It was a real slap in the faith...

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