North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media

But every American knows that America is the best country in the world

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight." Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father."

The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."

I only believe in about 12.5% of the bible

I’m an eighth-theist

I can’t believe it, someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick.

Seriously though, how low can you go?

Personally, I don't believe in hoes before bros or bros before hoes.

There must be balance you see. A homie-hoe-stasis if you will

I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat die and go to heaven. God greets the three and asks each what they believe in. First God asks the German Shepherd who replies, "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master." God says, "This is good, you can sit here at my right hand."

Next, God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies, "I believe in love and protecting my master." God says, "Wonderful, you can sit here at my left."

Finally, God asks the cat what he believes in and the cat replies, "I believe you are in my seat."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a sex-addicted atheist believe in?

Nutting!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.

I've never seen one before, but I have faith.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can't believe there is a sex offender registry.

Who is buying gifts for these people?

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today.

That’s 7 years in a row now.

My dyslexic friend believes in the power of the Ancient Roman God of Love

what a cupid stunt

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

I couldn’t believe when my girlfriend said that she has an abduction fetish.

But she demands to be taken, seriously!

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory…

All I did was take a day off!

I heard Mexico has a secret facility where people believe they are cloning illegal aliens

They call it Area 50 Juans.

Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences’

I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!’

“It’s a boy!” I shouted, with tears rolling down my face. “It’s a boy! I don’t believe it!”

And it was at that point that I resolved never to visit Thailand again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During a recent archaeological dig, researchers believe they have found the worlds first tampon...

...but they don't know from what period.

I wouldn't believe anybody with scoliosis if I were you.

They're twisted people.

A friend of mine believes that the Earth is flat. I challenged him to prove it by walking off the edge…

He eventually came around!

How do you persuade Trump to believe climate change is happening?

You tell him Obama didn't care about it.

You won't believe how 90% people discovered they cant avoid clickbait!

Apparently you are in the 90%

Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they make the toys.

What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”


“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

"I can't believe I'm going to be a father!" I tearfully exclaimed as my wife emerged from the bathroom with the pregnancy test in hand.

"Actually," she said, "You're going to be an uncle."



********



(I just made this one up for r/twosentencehorror and it dawned on me that it probably belongs here too)

NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS ANYMORE!!

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It...

I totally believe that there is a man we can not see, watching us from the sky, passing judgment on our actions, and that there are people who live and die according to a plan of his.

But enough about the NSA.

My friend doesn't believe Canada has a Prime Minister

Its Trudeau.

You’ll never believe it but I got invited to Camp David by the President!

Just kidding, he invited the Taliban, not me

Why does Thanos believe in extremes regarding balance?

Well, you could say he snapped.

I believe autocorrect was invented by history's most famous scientist.

Albeit Einstein would disagree.

In the wake of Hurricane Dorian, President Trump names a new Disaster Assistance Ambassador to The Bahamas. "He's the best. He'll do a great job, believe me." the President said.

Ja Rule reportedly accepted the position via Twitter.

My choir instructor once told me that the wider your thumbnail is the deeper your voice. I came to believe it to be true until one day I met a gentleman with damn near rectangular nails. To my dismay he ended up having a very high voice.

There's really nothing worse than a misleading thumbnail.

AI learns that Jesus was crucified to save everyone from their sins and he'll. AI believes in redundant safety.

AI clones 1000 jesuses and crucifies them all

Donald Trump doesn't believe in global warming

Would be a lot cooler if he did

What do you call a scientist who believes in ancient gods and goddesses?

Carl Pagan!

Came up by myself!

I wasn't always a Flat Earther. In fact, I used to believe the Earth was round...

...until your mom sat on it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought this sub was the appropriate place for some of these hard to believe real West Virginia Laws.

-If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.

-Roadkill may be taken home for supper.

-No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

-Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.

-It...

I have mad respect for anti vaxxers

There are not many people who would die for their believes

Why do vegans believe that their diet is the best for the environment? They won't geht on my level.

Cannibalism.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

OMG I can't believe my wife has kicked me out...

Just for measuring my penis.


Just for the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat.

Don't believe everything you hear

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator r...

I really believe that Allah is the one true god,

I mean the universe started with an explosion, didn't it?

I can’t believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician.

I was just sitting around doing nothing...

Can you believe marijuana is still illegal in Jamaica?

Bob Marley must be rolling in his grave.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Person A : "Windows 8 can suck my dick" Person B : "I can't believe how far technology has come today"

found on tumblr

I read that apparently 1 in 10 young Germans believe Auschwitz is a type of beer.



I tried it once. It wasn't for me. Too gassy...

My wife said that she would leave me if I didn’t stop singing this one song. At first I didn’t believe her...

But when I saw her face...

My neighbor rang on my doorbell at 3 am... can you believe it!?

Luckily I was still up playing the drums.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can't believe how many perverts

I can't believe how many perverts there are in the park nowadays, I only just strolled through, and literally everyone kept staring at my penis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a physical therapist who believes men are superior?

A massage-inist

I believe in the idea of a Free Will.

I just really don't think he should be behind bars. Free Will!

I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment

So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead

If you don't believe 'An apple a day keeps the doctor away'...

...try throwing it harder next time.

Trump says: "The Continental Army… manned the air, it rammed the ramparts, it took over airports, it did everything it had to do." What, you don't believe they took over airports?

Surely you've heard of the Jefferson Airplane?

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out.

So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.

I thought it would be a piece of cake!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can’t believe after all that shit they finally came back together

My poor butt cheeks

I don't believe in the mixing of the races.

I mean it's ridiculous, all those horses would trample the marathoners.

It is said when someone has an exceptional singing voice on rare occasions animals can actually be seen jumping for joy. I was skeptical but after today I believe it to be true.

As soon as I started singing my cat woke up and jumped for joy clean off my second story windowsill.

Bob looked at his wife Mary and said ”I can’t believe today makes 2 happy years of marriage”

Mary: Bob, we have been married for 15 years...

Bob: I SAID HAPPY

I just got off a 12 hour flight after sitting next to a baby. I couldn’t believe it was possible for someone to cry for 12 hours straight.

Even the baby seemed impressed.

If you do 't believe in horses?

does that make you a neightheist?

I didn't believe she went to the renaissance fair

Then I saw her mace

I can't believe how many people don't understand erectile dysfunction.

I mean, it's not hard.

Dyslexic atheists believe...

...there is no dog.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Staring at my girlfriend's ring, I can't believe it took me months to pluck up the courage to finally ask the big question...

"Can we try anal?"

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O'Malley" he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I'm seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I'm currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister."

"We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I've never felt better."

"My good man," says the priest, "I think you've come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?"

And the guy goes: "I'm telling everybody!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nobody believes me, but I only have sex standing up.

I’m not fucking lying.

I cant believe people think the moon landing is real...

It's still in the sky. How could it have landed?

I believe slaves should have gotten reparations 150 years ago. I don’t believe their descendants should get them.

That ship has sailed.

What do you tell a nile crocodile who doesn’t believe he lives in the nile?

You live in denile crocodile.

There is a river I don't want to believe exist

The nile

I can't believe they fired the mute in our office.

he was instrumental.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can't believe Hitler shot himself.

I did nazi that coming.

My doctor says I’m usually hallucinating. I don’t believe him

In fact, I don’t even think he’s real

i can’t believe bacteria just enters our bodies without asking

it just makes me sick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I pulled into a town I couldn’t believe still existed.

A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said “General Store”, and that was it.

There was an old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair. I said to him, “What do you fella do around here for fun?”

He said, “We don’t do nothin’ but hunt n’ fuck.”

I...

Neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 in the morning last nite. 2:30am! Can you believe it?

He was so damn lucky I was still up playing my drums or I would've lost it.
Some people have no consideration for others.

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

I can’t believe it’s been more than 100 years since Einstein first proposed that Time is Relative.

Seems like only yesterday.

My wife does not believe me, but I swear I never see her trying to get my attention to help in the kitchen.

She microwaves.

Can you believe I was thrown out of my church for claiming Jesus spoke with a lisp?

It was a real slap in the faith...

For anybody who doesn't believe vaccines cause autism...

My Douglas was vaccinated and is now nearly five years old. He has still not learned to speak a single word, cannot dress himself and is not even able to use the toilet.

Don't let vaccines ruin your dog's life too.

Sometimes, I can't believe that the government has legally let me marry hundreds of women.

And all I had to do was get ordained.

I truly believe having kids is a full-time job.

And I don’t bring work home with me.

I can't believe my girlfriend would leave me for being "insecure"!

Oh wait, she just went to make a cup of tea.

I don't believe that the Moon Landing ever happened.

I mean, come on. The Moon is huge; if it had landed, it would've squished all of the astronauts.

I used to believe that my stencil drawings served a purpose, but now I know they're meaningless

I'm an ex-stencilist

My author friend claims that he ‘accidentally’ glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

I'm not a racist, I just believe that...

the Indy 500 is superior to all other races.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some people don't believe the allegations that Louis CK whipped his dick out...

...others saw it coming.

I told my boss he better give me a raise because three other companies were currently after me. He didn’t believe me and asked which ones.

“Gas, electric, and water.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can't believe my girlfriend stole a massive dildo from a sex shop we were in without me noticing!

I didn't know she had it in her.

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

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