NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS ANYMORE!!

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It...

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

How come Chinese kids don’t believe in Santa?

Because they’re the one who make the toys.

Don't believe everything you hear

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator r...

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“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”


“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

I don’t believe in bros before hoes or hoes before bros. There just needs to be balance.

I call it a homie-hoe-stasis.

I only believe in about 12% of the bible...

I’m an eighthiest

I can’t believe I was fired from the calendar factory!

All I did was take a day off.

I don't believe in the mixing of the races.

I mean it's ridiculous, all those horses would trample the marathoners.

Friend: I don’t believe in global warming.

Me: It would be so much cooler if you did though.

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O'Malley" he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I'm seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I'm currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister."

"We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I've never felt better."

"My good man," says the priest, "I think you've come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?"

And the guy goes: "I'm telling everybody!"

I have mad respect for anti vaxxers

There are not many people who would die for their believes

I really believe that Allah is the one true god,

I mean the universe started with an explosion, didn't it?

Can you believe marijuana is still illegal in Jamaica?

Bob Marley must be rolling in his grave.

I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a roadworker.

But when I got home, I saw all the signs.

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I can't believe Hitler shot himself.

I did nazi that coming.

I can't believe how many people don't understand erectile dysfunction.

I mean, it's not hard.

What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus.

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I pulled into a town I couldn’t believe still existed.

A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said “General Store”, and that was it.

There was an old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair. I said to him, “What do you fella do around here for fun?”

He said, “We don’t do nothin’ but hunt n’ fuck.”

I...

I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment

So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead

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"I can't believe after all the shit they're back together."

"Who?"

"My ass cheeks."

i can’t believe bacteria just enters our bodies without asking

it just makes me sick.

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Nobody believes me, but I only have sex standing up.

I’m not fucking lying.

My sister didn't believe me when I said I could make a car out of spaghetti

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta

I can’t believe it’s been more than 100 years since Einstein first proposed that Time is Relative.

Seems like only yesterday.

I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.

I thought it would be a piece of cake!

Sometimes, I can't believe that the government has legally let me marry hundreds of women.

And all I had to do was get ordained.

I never wanted to believe that my father stole from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 in the morning last nite. 2:30am! Can you believe it?

He was so damn lucky I was still up playing my drums or I would've lost it.
Some people have no consideration for others.

For anybody who doesn't believe vaccines cause autism...

My Douglas was vaccinated and is now nearly five years old. He has still not learned to speak a single word, cannot dress himself and is not even able to use the toilet.

Don't let vaccines ruin your dog's life too.

I don't believe that the Moon Landing ever happened.

I mean, come on. The Moon is huge; if it had landed, it would've squished all of the astronauts.

Can you believe I was thrown out of my church for claiming Jesus spoke with a lisp?

It was a real slap in the faith...

My wife does not believe me, but I swear I never see her trying to get my attention to help in the kitchen.

She microwaves.

You wouldn’t believe how mean my wife is.

She is the most average person you will ever meet.

I told my boss he better give me a raise because three other companies were currently after me. He didn’t believe me and asked which ones.

“Gas, electric, and water.”

Why dont atheists believe in exponential equations?

Because they don't believe in a higher power.

Do you believe in Hinduism?

Do you believe in Hinduism? Because I heard that they consider your mom a sacred animal.

I believe that everyone should be treated equally.

Unless you drink straight milk. I mean, who does that?

What kind of magic do cows believe in?

MOODOO!

Hey man you just have to believe in yourself and even if you can't swim yet, you can wade through the water head up high...

Nope, I am only 4'10 and this is deep.

My wife didn’t believe that I would give our daughter an embarrassing name.

But I decided to call her Bluff.

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

I'm not a racist, I just believe that...

the Indy 500 is superior to all other races.

I can't believe how supportive my wife was after telling her I was going to take a second wife

She said it was bigamy.

“I can’t believe you’re sleeping with my best friend!” a husband yells at his wife while packing up his belongings.

“Does the fact that he finds me attractive really surprise you?” the wife asks.

​

“Yes,” the man replies, “especially after everything I’ve told him!”

Why did Aristotle believe men could mold themselves through their actions like clay?

His teacher was Plato.

Hobbits don’t believe in the bible

Because they can’t fathom the idea of a last supper

Boss: Do you believe in life after death?

Me: I don’t know, why?

Boss: Because the grandfather whose funeral you missed work for yesterday is on the phone.

My friend Eric believes his true purpose in life is to write put-downs on the back of kitchen tiles

He calls it his Eric-tile diss-function

I was driving with my daughter on a beautiful sunny day this winter and I said, "I can't believe how poor the visibility is."

She said, "What do you mean? It's perfectly clear." Pointing down I said, "I can only see four feet in front of us."

I am a builder from Sioux Falls, and I was recently in Madrid at a local tavern, and couldn’t believe the amount of code violations in their building practices. This led me to accept that they are their own culture and....

Nobody inspects the Spanish inn condition.

The foreman at my bridge construction site is always rushing things. But when I got the beams set ahead of schedule he didn't believe me.

Nobody expects the span is in position.

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I can't believe my girlfriend stole a massive dildo from a sex shop we were in without me noticing!

I didn't know she had it in her.

An Egyptian farmer refuses to believe his fields had flooded...

He was in De Nile.

I strongly believe in karma.

Like this other day i noticed a homeless man sitting in front of the supermarket. He seemed to have a difficult time.

I went into the supermarket and collected some stuff to give to the homeless man, i wrapped it up neatly in some wrapping paper and went back outside

The homeless man a...

You guys may not agree with me but I personally believe that anti-vax kids will make it to 20

2020 that is

I can’t believe people are still making “Friends” references 15 years after the show ended.

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

At first I didn’t believe that my girlfriend was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees...

... but then I saw her face

I heard a rumor that the next Legend of Zelda game is to be set in a Hyrule version of Spain. No one believes me

They don’t expect a Spanish Link decision

I can’t believe there are not more anti vaxxer wide receivers.

They will catch everything you throw at them.

I’m gonna die for what I believe in...

But I’m an atheist and antivax, so I’m pretty much immortal

What do you call a gangster who believes in double standards?

A hypocrip.

My author friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe it.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

What do you call people who don't believe in evolution?

Primate change deniers

Believe it or not i can actually speak fluent French

I surrender!

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been completely avoided...

...if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

What do you call a Cuban man who doesn’t believe in religion?

Infidel Castro

I believe that the ultra rich deserve to be treated like royalty

Louis XVI, specifically

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

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[OC] I saw a Japanese martial artist, I've seen him on tv before so I excitedly waved at him. He was confused and said "I don't believe we've met"

I said "I recognize Judo".

Trump says he believes in traditional marriages

He has had 3 of them so far

Roman guy: You won't believe how many women I've slept with

Second Roman: mmm?

Roman Guy: don't be ridiculous, not that many

I couldn't believe my local casino had a 'bring your own custom dice' night.

I just rolled my eyes.

I believe I can Fly, Bump and Grind, and Ignition by R Kelly were all written in the same key

A minor

A guy walked into a bar one day and he couldn’t believe his eyes.

There, in the corner, sat a one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.

So the guy asked the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”

The bartender replied, “There’s a genie in the men’s room that grants wishes.”

The guy then ran into the men’s room, and sure en...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Some people don't believe the allegations that Louis CK whipped his dick out...

...others saw it coming.

My friends wouldn’t believe I had OCD.

So I made sure to set them straight.

My grandfather use to say "Don't believe everything you hear."

Which was good advice...... Or was it ?

Two guys are walking down the street in Florida and they see a sign outside a bar that says "10 cent Martinis" and they decide to go in. They don't believe it, but decide to order anyway. The bartender makes two large Belvedere martinis with blue cheese olives and says "That will be 20 cents."

The two guys can't believe it, but drink up and order again. While the bartender is making the drinks, they ask him "How can you afford to do this?" The bartender responds, "I always wanted to own a bar where people could drink cheaply and then I won the lottery." One of the patrons responded, "That...

It’s not that Trump doesn’t believe in climate change

He just wants to Make Greenland Green Again.

Fun fact: 7% of American adults believe that chocolate milk comes from brown cows.

93% of American adults think chocolate milk should come from white male cows.

I got the best parking spot today, right in front of the bank. I couldn't believe my luck

I don't actually need to go to the bank, but the opportunity was to good to give up.

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Wife: I cannot believe you had sex with my sister!

Husband: I walked in the room and she was lying there naked! What was I supposed to do?

Wife: The Autopsy!

Would you believe me…

Would you believe me if I told you that I think a dog could retrieve a stick that’s been thrown over 700 miles away? Or would you say that idea is…




far fetched?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a guy masturbating on the bus. I couldn’t believe it.

Where does he get off?!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I can't believe that even in 2018, I can't wear my mini skirt to work..

And the only "reason" for that is apparently my dick is showing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I can't believe that there is a sex offender registry.

Who would buy gifts for these people?

My wife didn't believe that my communist friend could predict the weather, but I said;

"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

My friend refused to believe that there was a river in Egypt.

He was in de-Nile.

A man, who believes in avoiding doctors and hospitals at all cost, had to have emergency surgery for an inflamed appendix.

In pain, but still protesting the whole idea of an operation, he muttered,

"When God gave man an appendix, there must have been a reason for putting it there, am I right?"

"Oh there was," said the surgeon.

"God gave you that appendix so I could put my kids through university."

I met a guy who believes the Earth is flat. He set off on a journey to see for himself.

I'm sure he'll come around.

A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"

The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."

My friend said he had a really good memory. I didn’t believe him and told him to prove it.

He told me about a time when he was 6 and wanted an N64 for christmas. On christmas morning he found an N64 and 3 games under the tree and was overjoyed.

I guess I was wrong. It was a pretty good memory.

What did the motivational speaker dolphin believe?

That everybody in life has a porpoise

I can't believe Trump wants to [REDACTED] his [REDACTED] while [REDACTED] with his [REDACTED] up his [REDACTED]

WTF? I thought the NSA wasn't getting paid. Damn they work fast.

My Chinese friend refuses to believe that our buddy Ty is now the state boxing champion.

People from China refuse to acknowledge Ty won.