What do you call people who believe in Satan?

Christians

My wife and I had two miscarriages last year, and I believe there should be more jokes about miscarriages so we talk about it more...

The only problem is most of the jokes die before you finish delivering them.

—————————————————————

*The title of the post is true and humor is how I deal with my pain*

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared...

My Friend Asked Me to Stop Singing “I’m a Believer”. I Thought She Was Joking...

But then I saw her face

I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today.

That's 5 years in a row now.

After five months on the job, a new employee believes he deserves a huge raise and decides to ask his boss.

“And how much of a raise do you want?” asks his boss.

“I’m thinking an extra $10,000 a year,” says the employee.

The boss nods. “Sounds about right. And what would you say to a package of ten weeks vacation, 20 paid holidays, and a company car leased every two years, say, a silver Cadi...

I told my wife I was making a bicycle out of spaghetti. She didn't believe me...

Until I rode pasta.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.

I've never seen one before, but I have faith.

I really doubt Canada will invest significantly in space exploration, but I’ll believe it if they...

...show me the moon, eh!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can't believe how calm my parents are being about me coming out as gay.

Because the wife's going fucking mental.

I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible

Guess, I'm an Eight-theist

Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you.

Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

Don't believe everything you read in public toilets

Sharon was not up for a good time and it was a very awkward phone call

I once complimented a curvy woman who doesn't believe Earth is round.

She replied that it was very flattering.

The WWE wrestlers Edge & Test were big back in their day, even had separate fanbases believe it or not,

Edges fans were called "Th Edge-ed Edgies"

and Test fans were just a bunch of quality balls.

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, ...

I can't believe people don't eat the crust

I can't believe people don't eat the crust like wtf it's part of the food, it's fantastic even if it doesn't taste the same as the rest of the watermelon

I didn’t believe it when I read that the cast of “Friends” are reuniting after 20 years.

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

I'll believe it is a 'Smart phone', the day I can yell, "Where is my stupid phone?"...

...and it answers, "Here in the couch cushions.

I could never believe that my father stole when he had a job as a crossing guard...

But the signs where there...

As a philosopher I believe in the infinite universes theory

So there’s a universe where I didn’t commit 3 dozen war crimes against the children of Djibouti

A Joke for a Sunday

Jesus was relaxing in Heaven when he noticed a familiar looking old man. Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a m...

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

I never wanted to believe my brother was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

There were two Qanon believers who were absolutely convinced that Trump won the 2020 election

They were traveling together and were killed in a traffic accident. When they got to heaven, God met them and told them that he’d reveal anything about Earthly life they’d always wanted to know. They asked him how Biden stole the 2020 election. God looked kindly upon them and said, “Biden didn’t ste...

Don't believe for a minute that men and women are the same

Being born male makes a vas deferens.

Most people don’t believe me, but I can promise you that I made clothing from frozen water.

Ice wear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

My neighbour just banged on the wall at 4.20am, can you believe it!!? Luckilly I was still up playing music.

He banged and shouted ' can we have a little respect please!'

I shouted back..., 'I'm not a big Erasure fan, but ok this one's for you!'

Covid is not a joke and should be taken seriously

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards, he wrongly believed he'd won an election he actually lost by millions of votes.

I don't believe Canada is real.

I think it's all maple leaf.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

Jesus walks into a bar.

He sees a Russian man with a glass of water.
Jesus asks "My son, are you a believer?"
The Russian replies "No."
With a wave of his hands, Jesus changes it to a glass of wine.
"Well my son, do you believe now?"
The Russian frowns and shakes his head.

The next day, Jesus comes in...

I can't believe my parents support my choice of profession! I told them that I wanted to become a stand-up comedian.

They laughed at me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa?

Because they make the toys.

We did our company Christmas party online this year and my coworkers were surprised at my incredibly detailed tattoo. They refused to believe me when I told them it was done in Madrid, before the pandemic...

Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision...

What do you call a dating website for QAnon believers?

Qpid

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

BTW it's about Cupid not stupid, just in case anyone gets offended lmao

ill give you $80 to believe a lie, but if you dont believe it you have to pay me $20. ok, guy agrees.

Ive already paid you as $100 and am waiting for my change.

Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it...

... and he'll have to touch to be sure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can you believe what happened in DC?

Never seen so much press for a micropenis convention, at least none I’ve been to.

Don't believe everything you hear.

I went to the goose store the other day and asked if they had any deals. He said he wasn't sure but to feel free to take a gander. And now here I am, in jail, with my "shoplifted goose".

Can't believe the film Groundhog Day came out 26 years ago....

It feels like yesterday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No one believes when I tell them I can suck my own dick

I will admit, it is a stretch...

Can't believe trump tested positive for covid-19

when all he had to do was to not get tested.

>!Man. Woman. TV. Coronavirus.!<

"do you believe in ghosts?"

**Me:** lol no— even my grandma says that's dumb

"dude your grandma died 10 years ago"

**Me:** what?!

Psychiatrist: So how long have you believed in reincarnation?

Ever since I was a puppy.

If The Atheists don't believe in religion, what do you call people that don't believe in science.

The Stupidest.

Won’t believe the nerve of my neighbor knocking on my door at 3AM.

Fortunately I was up playing the drums.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros.

There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

I told my dad I couldn't believe I'd failed my biology exam.

He said , I'm your mum.

They say lightning never strikes the same place twice, and I believed that all my life. So when I got struck by lightning for the 2nd time on the hill,

I was shocked

I can't believe some people pick their nose!

I was born with mine..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL if you swallow a bullet it'll shoot out from another hole. It actually feels pretty good. Don't believe me? Try it and see...

You'll cum a round.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't believe in the death penalty

the last person I want to see in Hell is the asshole who just killed me.

My friend didn’t believe me that Slash was in AC/DC

C’mon he is right there in the middle

Why do Germans believe in procrastinating?

Because a stitch in time saves nein.

The teacher said “Little Timmy, do you believe that you have a fairy godmother?”

Little Timmy said “I’m not sure, but I’ve got an uncle we keep an eye on.”

I can't believe people have no compliance with traffic rules these days

When I was on highway, everyone was driving in wrong direction.

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite donkey Bessie into the... "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'". Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Be...

While I don’t believe Belichick is rooting for Brady, I absolutely believe Bob Kraft wants Brady to win one more before he retires...

What can I say? Bob Kraft just loves a happy ending.

If you believe in telekinetics

Raise my hand

When I saw my ex-wife yesterday with her new boyfriend, I couldn’t believe just how much he looked like me when we were still together.

Fcuking miserable.

I don't know whether there is a dumpling-shaped pasta made of potato flour, but I'll believe it when I see it.

You can say I'm agnocchic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can you believe a man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter...

How dairy!

A policeman was interviewing 3 guys who want to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh....

I know you're all amazed a senator can believe the Paris agreement is about Paris and France

But to be honest, Eiffel for it.

You won’t believe how easy it is to predict the future!

All you need to do is to look into a crystal ball, purchasable from my website for only $999!

You don’t believe me?

See? Exactly what I predicted!

I never believed that scientists could clone humans...

...but once they proved me wrong, I was beside myself.

You may not believe me when I say that Trump isn't the Prime Minister of Canada

It's Trudeau.

You guys wont believe what happened today

So my friend told me that he didn't like the Lord of the rings trilogy.

And just a minute after that he was hit by a car!

I assume it's a bad sign to dislike Tolkien.



Anyway, I lost my drivers license today.

What did the carpenter say when noone believed they'd seen a ghost?

"I know what I saw."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man recently separated with his wife is at the local bar drowning his sorrows when a gorgeous young woman walks in.

She makes her way over to the bar.

"What'll it be, miss?" The bartender asks.
"Tequila." Says the woman.

As the bartender pours her drink she notices the guy sitting at the other end of the bar. 'Handsome' she thinks to herself as she turns to the bartender laying out t...

I can't believe that my joke about The Who and The Kinks wasn't approved.

I've obviously upset the mods.

A woman awakes in the middle of the night...



...to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
...

I believe there is a point in life after which the suffering becomes unbearable and euthanasia is the only humane option.

That point is birth.

Nobody believes that I was born half Zentaur half human.

The top half of my body is Zentaur (Centaur) but the bottom half is human.

I find this funny but so far nobody else does. Can I improve the joke somehow?

A woman has a failing marriage, and she feels bad about it.

Her husband won't listen to her or acknowledge her, or anything. All he does is sit on the couch watching football and waiting for meals. The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet.

At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. S...

One for you, one for me

On the outskirts of a small Panhandle town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out  of sight, and began dividing the nuts.  “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,”  said one boy. Severa...

There is a difference between I’m sorry and I apologise...

Don’t believe me?
Try saying “I apologise” at a funeral

So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can you believe their still together after all the shit they've been through? Who?

Your butt cheeks

Do you want to know why the republicans won't impeach Trump?

Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.

For years, I believed the Earth was flat

Then I turned 4

When I was a kid, I used to believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy

Now that I've grown older, I don't believe in that nonsense any more, thank God.

When are Egyptian fishermen less likely to believe what their are told?

When they're in the Nile.

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

Can't believe I’ve caught COVID off my cat

don’t ask meow

What do you call a biker who doesn't believe in Santa?

Rebel without a Claus.

There's 「lie」 in 「believe」

There's 「try」 in 「chemistry」

There's 「anal」 in 「analysis 」

But there's no 「Trump」 in 「oval office」

A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died.

In Heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.

The German Shepherd said, “I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.”

“Good!” said God. “Sit at my right side.” Then God asked, “Doberman, what do you believe in?”

The Doberman answere...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite NSFW Joke: A guy calls his friend, and says "you're not gonna BELIEVE what happened to me last night...

I was walking home from the bar, and I saw this woman tied to the railroad tracks, like in the old silent movies!"

His friend says "that's crazy! So what did you do?"
"Well, I untied her of course! And then I took her home and had sex with her all night long."

His friend says "tha...

I believe in stereotypes.

Phillips, Sony, Samsung, the list goes on and on!

Ya know, if you believe in reincarnation, suicide is a temporary solution to a permanent problem

anyways, the hotline asked me not to come back

My brother is a big believer in Flat Earth Theory

but he is starting to come around.

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician!

I was just sitting there doing nothing!

I can't believe the NASA/SpaceX Astronauts...

Don't you think they are taking "Social Distancing" a bit **too** seriously?

My wife said she’d leave me if I kept quoting Shrek and I didn’t believe her

But then I saw her face

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had sex.

I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

My wife isn't a big believer in monogamy

As it turns out.

Wow!! it is almost Xmas. I can't believe where the year has gone....

It seemed to have Zoomed by.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well.

Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed m...

Americans, Before You Make Fun of Kids This Christmas for Believeing in Santa,

Remember, Almost 70 Millions of You Believed in Trump.

Someone said to me, "I stopped an old man along the way, hoping to find some long forgotten words or ancient melodies.' But I didn't believe him.

Seems like a Toto fabrication.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you believe in genies?

A couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar homes.

On the third tee, the husband said, “Honey be very careful when you drive the ball. Don’t knock out any windows, it will cost a fortune to fix.”

The wife teed off and shanked it right through...

Joe, you're not going to believe what I just saw.

A fitness junkie buys a new bike and takes it for a long ride on a stretch of road going over many hills. On his way home he finds he is to exhausted to continue, and rests on the side of the road. After an hour a Lamborghini Veneno pulls up and the young man driving offers him a ride. After realizi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting on his couch when the doorbell rings

He opens the door and there is a young man standing there.

"Hello. My name is Tobias. I'm here to fuck your daughter."

The man can't believe his ears: "To what?!"

"Tobias"

Fastest thing in the Universe

Three scientists were discussing what was the fastest thing in the universe.

"Light! Light is the fastest thing in the Universe. You turn the light switch and light comes instantly!", said the first one.

"No, you are wrong", said the second one. "Thought is fastest. You think and it's ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cancer!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Most people are assholes. Don't believe me?

Next time you see a group of people, yell out "hey, asshole!"

All of them will turn and look.

I was raised to believe that girls never lied.

So when I was out with my best friend at the cinema, one of the female workers there said she knew how to get into the cinema for free, so I believed her. She took me to an empty cinema and started to lower the lights and started to remove her clothing. I was confused but I went along with it. The m...

Call me any names you want, but I believe my country is being run by a decent and intelligent president for years already. All I could wish for is...

to be able to post this in a different sub.

Dogs are truly woman's best friend

If you don't believe it, lock your dog and husband in your trunk.
Wait an hour, open it and see who is happier to see you again!

I believe that it is time for all the world's countries to come together and create one universal currency

I mean it's just common cents

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar with a box under his arm, sets it on the bartop and orders a beer. Curious, the bartender asks about the box and the man replies 'it's my pet octopus. He just got done teaching music lessons so I stopped in for a drink on the way home.'

Bartender doesn't believe it and asks for proof.
"Sure," the man says. "bring me any instrument, and this octopus will play it beautifully."

Bartender produces several instruments from behind the bar, and the man opens up the box, sets the octopus on the bar and it immediately begins playi...

My friend joined a cult. They believe that one day they will cease to exist in their human form, and become water vapor.

I told him, "you will be mist".

My sister didn't believe I could make a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

Politicians go on a vacation

Politicians go on a vacation by bus.
The bus driver gets distracted by the beautiful scenery and drives off a cliff next to a farm.

The following day the police question the farmer:

\- Did you not find any victims?
\- Actually, I did.
\- And where are they?
\- Well,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's hard to believe,

but pigeons die when they have sex. I wish I had known that before I screwed one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couples therapist believes the amount of sex you have is directly related to happiness, so he decides to test his theory at his next seminar.

He addresses the crowd in attendance and asks "How many couples here tonight have sex once a day?"

To the therapists delight, about half of the crowd raise their hands with wide, toothy grins across their faces.

The therapist then asks "How many have sex once a week?"

Roughly a ...

Why was the dyslexic dog a Christian?

Because he believes in himself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I Believe

Many people say there isn't a Santa Claus, but I definitely believe. I saw Santa with my own two eyes. I caught him in our house when I was 6.

I walked into the kitchen and saw my mom bent over the table reaching for the cookies I helped make for Santa. Right behind my mom was good 'Ol Santa,...

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.


She says, ’Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything abo...

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were in their obstetrician's waiting room discussing their pregnancies.

The brunette said she was certain she was going to have a boy, because she was on top when she got pregnant!

The red head said she was certain she was going to have a girl because she was in the missionary position when she got pregnant!

All of a sudden the blonde burst into tears. Bet...

A Jewish man was at home

A Jewish man was at home when his son came home and told him:

“Guess what dad, I just converted to Christianity!”

The man, confused about his son’s sudden decision, goes to his friend’s house and explains to him what happened. He replies:

“You won’t believe what happened. My son...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a ghost say when he doesn’t believe you?

Ghoulshit!

Three men go hunting. One is kind of tipsy, one is just plain drunk, the third one however is so smashed, he can barely hold himself upright.

They lay on the lookout and wait. At some point later they make out a big deer with beautiful antlers.

The one who is the least drunk levels his gun, takes a shot, but misses. The second most drunk guy does the same, but he misses too. The deer is now running towards them. The third guy, who...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Father gives his son a lucky duck

A young man is celebrating his 18th birthday, when his dad comes over and tells him. "Since it's your 18th birthday, and we don't have much money, I want to give you this lucky duck. Go out and have a good time"

The young man, is a little sad, but accepts the present. Being a virgin he wanted...

I don't know if I should believe the reports that Donald Trump has tested positive for COVID-19.

It might be fake news.

Remember me!

My son: Dad, will you remember me in an hour?

Me: Yes.

My son: Dad, will you remember me in a day?

Me: Yes.

My son: Dad, will you remember me in a week?

Me: Yes.

My son: Dad, will you remember me in a year?

Me: Yes.

A while later he asks,
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”


“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

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