North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”


“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

I never wanted to believe that my father stole from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment

So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead

I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.

I thought it would be a piece of cake!

I have mad respect for anti vaxxers

There are not many people who would die for their believes

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

I can’t believe people are still making “Friends” references 15 years after the show ended.

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

My author friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe it.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

What do you call people who don't believe in evolution?

Primate change deniers

Trump says he believes in traditional marriages

He has had 3 of them so far

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I can't believe my girlfriend stole a massive dildo from a sex shop we were in without me noticing!

I didn't know she had it in her.

I believe that the ultra rich deserve to be treated like royalty

Louis XVI, specifically

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[OC] I saw a Japanese martial artist, I've seen him on tv before so I excitedly waved at him. He was confused and said "I don't believe we've met"

I said "I recognize Judo".

Can you believe I was thrown out of my church for claiming Jesus spoke with a lisp?

It was a real slap in the faith...

At first I didn’t believe that my girlfriend was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees...

... but then I saw her face

I don’t believe in hitting my kids as punishment

I just do it for fun

A guy walked into a bar one day and he couldn’t believe his eyes.

There, in the corner, sat a one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.

So the guy asked the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”

The bartender replied, “There’s a genie in the men’s room that grants wishes.”

The guy then ran into the men’s room, and sure en...

I really do believe Allah is the one true god

I mean the universe was created by an EXPLOSION wasn't it?

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off.

TIFU They say you should NEVER meet your heroes and after today I believe it is true.

So I have seen the YouTube videos of celebrities meeting their fans and some stand outs are Taylor Swift meeting young fans and the emotions of these kids see them crying uncontrollably. I always wanted to meet Sting from the Police or Bono from U2 or Ed Sheeran, I mean how cool would it be. Well to...

I believe I can Fly, Bump and Grind, and Ignition by R Kelly were all written in the same key

A minor

I can’t believe that in 2019 viruses and bacteria can still just invade my body whenever they want

It makes me sick

Two guys are walking down the street in Florida and they see a sign outside a bar that says "10 cent Martinis" and they decide to go in. They don't believe it, but decide to order anyway. The bartender makes two large Belvedere martinis with blue cheese olives and says "That will be 20 cents."

The two guys can't believe it, but drink up and order again. While the bartender is making the drinks, they ask him "How can you afford to do this?" The bartender responds, "I always wanted to own a bar where people could drink cheaply and then I won the lottery." One of the patrons responded, "That...

Fun fact: 7% of American adults believe that chocolate milk comes from brown cows.

93% of American adults think chocolate milk should come from white male cows.

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

I got the best parking spot today, right in front of the bank. I couldn't believe my luck

I don't actually need to go to the bank, but the opportunity was to good to give up.

My friends wouldn’t believe I had OCD.

So I made sure to set them straight.

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain...

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision...

It’s not that Trump doesn’t believe in climate change

He just wants to Make Greenland Green Again.

My grandfather use to say "Don't believe everything you hear."

Which was good advice...... Or was it ?

Roman guy: You won't believe how many women I've slept with

Second Roman: mmm?

Roman Guy: don't be ridiculous, not that many

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I can't believe that even in 2018, I can't wear my mini skirt to work..

And the only "reason" for that is apparently my dick is showing.

I can't believe Trump wants to [REDACTED] his [REDACTED] while [REDACTED] with his [REDACTED] up his [REDACTED]

WTF? I thought the NSA wasn't getting paid. Damn they work fast.

A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"

The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been completely avoided...

...if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

What did the motivational speaker dolphin believe?

That everybody in life has a porpoise

My friend said he had a really good memory. I didn’t believe him and told him to prove it.

He told me about a time when he was 6 and wanted an N64 for christmas. On christmas morning he found an N64 and 3 games under the tree and was overjoyed.

I guess I was wrong. It was a pretty good memory.

Some religious people believe that serious illnesses such as cancer do not require medical treatment,

and can be cured by the power of prayer alone.

Sceptics may chuckle, but there is a scientific basis for this kind of thinking.

It's called natural selection.

My friend refused to believe that there was a river in Egypt.

He was in de-Nile.

My wife didn't believe that my communist friend could predict the weather, but I said;

"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

I met a guy who believes the Earth is flat. He set off on a journey to see for himself.

I'm sure he'll come around.

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

No one believes seniors...

No one believes seniors… Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a guy masturbating on the bus. I couldn’t believe it.

Where does he get off?!

I'm pretty sure my dad believes in the geocentric theory.

The other day he even said, "The world doesn't revolve around you, son".

"It’s a boy!!! I cannot believe it – it’s a boy!! I was so overwhelmed, I literally stood there in tears"

~Mike, 32, abruptly ending his holiday in Thailand

I can’t believe it is already more than a hundred years since Einstein proved that Time is relative.

Feels like it was just yesterday.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One of my classmates made everyone falsely believe that I was gay

I fucked him up.

Why don't conservatives believe in global warming?

Because of all the snowflakes.

You will not believe what just happened...

I walked into the store to get a drink...When I walked in I noticed these 2 police officers watching some guy who was smoking while pumping gas.. I saw him & thought, "This guy didn't have any common sense & was he crazy? With the cops right there too?! But anyway, I went in and got my drink...

Would you believe me…

Would you believe me if I told you that I think a dog could retrieve a stick that’s been thrown over 700 miles away? Or would you say that idea is…




far fetched?

After my divorce I couldn't believe how much I missed my ex.

I really need to work on my aim.

My Chinese friend refuses to believe that our buddy Ty is now the state boxing champion.

People from China refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wife: I cannot believe you had sex with my sister!

Husband: I walked in the room and she was lying there naked! What was I supposed to do?

Wife: The Autopsy!

If you believe every citizen should own a gun raise your hand,

and if you don't, raise both hands and give me your wallet.

A man gets struck by lightning, you won't believe what happens next

Because believe me when I say this, you will find the results shocking

When she asked me about my sign I told her I don't believe in astrology...

Because I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical.

A man is in a mental hospital because he believes himself to be a seed.

He is treated for years by one of the world's best psychiatrists. After 6 years, he finally becomes convinced that he is not, in fact, a seed. There is a party to celebrate his release from the hospital.

A chicken shows up to the party. The man freezes and slowly starts to inch behind a nearb...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Some people don't believe the allegations that Louis CK whipped his dick out...

...others saw it coming.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Can you believe i can teach you how to tie rope while taking a crap?

I shit, you knot.

Moses couldn't believe his mother would just put him in a basket and forget about him

He was in da Nile

What do you call it when Kanye West doesn't believe in you?

Ye of little faith.

Donald Trump doesn't believe in the eventual flooding of the coasts due to climate change

apparently he doesn't think America can sink any lower either.

I can't believe my grandpa is going to vote for the first time ever

... he never would have done that when he was alive.

It's hard to believe Brett Kavanaugh is a judge.

It sounds like the guy's never been able to pass a bar in his life.

I can't believe people are still asking each other "Who came first, the chicken or the egg"

It was obviously the rooster

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I can't believe that there is a sex offender registry.

Who would buy gifts for these people?

I believe in karma, let me explain

A guy jaywalked and cut me off and didn’t wave thank you . That’s one karma. Then he dropped his wallet. I’m a good person I’ll tell him, but that cost one karma

I just found out that 23% of women are taking psyche medications.. I can't believe it...

That means 77% are walking around untreated.

Me: "Yea, I know man. I can't believe it's risen 1500%

Me: "Yea, I know man. I can't believe it's risen 1500%

My professor stops writing on the chalkboard and turns around. "Nothing that raises 1500% that quickly is a good investment. I'm so tired of hearing about Bitcoin this Bitcoin that"

Me: We were talking about the cost of Colle...

I believe people who perform circumcision make pretty good money.

At least I've heard they have a "tips" jar.

I believe every therapist deserves full flight benefits with any airline.

They carry so much baggage.

My friend said he doesn't believe that soap works.

He said it was all a lye.

When George Eastman brought the first Kodak camera to market, no one could believe it...

They said "pics or it didn't happen".

"It was recently proven that 80% of people will believe any statistic they read online."

-Abraham Lincoln

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I can’t believe after all the shit they’ve been through they’re finally back together

Person: who?

Me: My ass cheeks.

A conspiracy theorist who doesn't believe in Zeus walks out into a field during a thunderstorm wearing his tinfoil hat to test his theory.

Needless to say, he was shocked when he learned the truth.

What did the feline say when it couldn’t believe what was happening?

“You’ve cat to be kitten me right meow.”

I can't believe Canada is about to legalize weed.

It's Trudeau.

A woman went into labor and gave birth to her son in a record 2 minutes! Later that day a nurse goes to check on the new mother. She tells the mother congratulations and exclaims "I can't believe how fast he came!"

The mother replies, "Like father like son"

"Rincewind, all the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"

"Yeah, Luters I expect." --Terry Pratchet, The Light Fantastic

My French mate doesn't believe that eggs are ovoid...

...he's a member of the flat oeuf society

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The worst part about God is that he outlaws masturbation. But if you don’t believe in him,

I guess you can go fuck yourself.

Parents in 1998: Don't believe everything you read on the internet

Parents in 2018: Did you know that dogs will die if you feed them ice cubes?

God asks Bush: "What do you believe in?"

Bush answers: "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"
"Very well," says God. "Come sit to my right."

Next, God asks Obama: "What do you believe in?"
Obama answers: "I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all."
"Good,” says God. "You shall si...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I found my brother in bed with my girlfriend yesterday. I couldn't believe it and I had to get my revenge.

So I shagged his sister.

I only believe in 12.5% of the bible...

Which makes me an eighth theist...

On a river rafting trip in Egypt, a couple began to sink. The husband urged his wife to swim to safety before the water got too deep, but she refused to believe she was in any danger.

She was too deep in de Nile.

I can't believe someone in Australia is remaking Eminem's movie '8 Mile'

They're calling it 12.8748km

Look, I believe women

But when my girlfriend tells me she’ll be ready in five minutes I give her twenty.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

He didn't believe me

One time, I had to go to the hospital because I had been constipated for days. As I was laying in the hospital bed, the doctor came in to see me.

He asked, "How do you feel?"

I replied, "Actually doctor, I feel really great!"

He responded, "You're so full of shit"

Fishermen hate him- You won't believe the one item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else

Click bait.

Which word describes someone that refuses to believe that rivers can flow from south to north?

de-Nile

Im not a person to believe in conspiracy theories, but..

.. working at 7/11 was an inside job.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I believe in the vagina like I believe in God

I've never seen one before, but I have faith. --Moshe Kasher

What do you call an Austrian who believes in flat earth?

Nothing, they don’t exist
(Australian)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lot of people believe Walt Disney is cryogenically frozen in the basement of CalArts.

# I personally love this conspiracy theory because it's a wonderful example of suspended animation.

Credit to the greatest animation professor of all time, Mr. Theo Artz of Drexel University.

My neighbor pounded on my door at 2:30am last night! Can you believe that?! 2:30am!

Fortunately, I was still up practicing my bagpipes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Who you gonna believe, the fake blonde with big tits...

or Stormy Daniels?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do archeologists believe the Neanderthal mated with Homo erectus?

They've found no evidence for the theory they mated with Homo flaccidus.

You won't believe what happened to me!

And 5 other briliant things you can title your video!