The teacher said “Little Timmy, do you believe that you have a fairy godmother?”

Little Timmy said “I’m not sure, but I’ve got an uncle we keep an eye on.”

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

I never wanted to believe my brother was stealing from his job as a road worker

but when I got home, all the signs were there.

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros.

There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

Can't believe trump tested positive for covid-19

when all he had to do was to not get tested.

>!Man. Woman. TV. Coronavirus.!<

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Can you believe a man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter...

How dairy!

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

I can't believe my parents support my choice of profession! I told them that I wanted to become a stand-up comedian.

They laughed at me.

Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you.

Tell a woman she is fat once and she’ll remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

You may not believe me when I say that Trump isn't the Prime Minister of Canada

It's Trudeau.

My friend didn’t believe me that Slash was in AC/DC

C’mon he is right there in the middle

There's 「lie」 in 「believe」

There's 「try」 in 「chemistry」

There's 「anal」 in 「analysis 」

But there's no 「Trump」 in 「oval office」

Someone said to me, "I stopped an old man along the way, hoping to find some long forgotten words or ancient melodies.' But I didn't believe him.

Seems like a Toto fabrication.

Americans, Before You Make Fun of Kids This Christmas for Believeing in Santa,

Remember, Almost 70 Millions of You Believed in Trump.

Ya know, if you believe in reincarnation, suicide is a temporary solution to a permanent problem

anyways, the hotline asked me not to come back

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Do you believe in genies?

A couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar homes.

On the third tee, the husband said, “Honey be very careful when you drive the ball. Don’t knock out any windows, it will cost a fortune to fix.”

The wife teed off and shanked it right through...

When I saw my ex-wife yesterday with her new boyfriend, I couldn’t believe just how much he looked like me when we were still together.

Fcuking miserable.

Why don't Chinese Kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they make the toys.

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You would not believe the shit I had to deal with today...

But at least my stomach's feeling better.

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What does a ghost say when he doesn’t believe you?

Ghoulshit!

I couldn’t believe it when I looked out my window and saw my seeing-impaired neighbour cutting his lawn.

It was blind-mowing!

Joe, you're not going to believe what I just saw.

A fitness junkie buys a new bike and takes it for a long ride on a stretch of road going over many hills. On his way home he finds he is to exhausted to continue, and rests on the side of the road. After an hour a Lamborghini Veneno pulls up and the young man driving offers him a ride. After realizi...

I can’t believe it’s already October 35th

I am NOT looking forward to No Nut November

After passing on, George Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are going for a interview with God. God asks them, "What do you believe in?"

Bush answers, "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"

God is impressed by Bush and tells him, "Great , come sit on the chair on my right"

Next, God asks Obama, "What do you believe in?"

Obama answers, "I believe in the power of democracy, helping the poo...

“Do you believe in life after death?”

Asked the boss to his employee.

“No, I don’t.... why do you ask?”

“Well, your grandmother who died and you took off yesterday to go to the funeral for....

She stopped in this morning to say hi to you!”

My wife isn't a big believer in monogamy

As it turns out.

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Most people are assholes. Don't believe me?

Next time you see a group of people, yell out "hey, asshole!"

All of them will turn and look.

I can't believe there's a band named after diode flow...

One Direction

My wife said she’d leave me if I kept quoting Shrek and I didn’t believe her

But then I saw her face

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them

My surgeon friends disagreed

Can't believe Goonies didn't win an Oscar

It deserves one of those AU guys!

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A couples therapist believes the amount of sex you have is directly related to happiness, so he decides to test his theory at his next seminar.

He addresses the crowd in attendance and asks "How many couples here tonight have sex once a day?"

To the therapists delight, about half of the crowd raise their hands with wide, toothy grins across their faces.

The therapist then asks "How many have sex once a week?"

Roughly a ...

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Making your girlfriend believe she's a robot when she's real is called ghosting. It's a dick move. Making your girlfriend believe she's real when she's a robot is called bladerunning.

It's a Philip K. Dick move.

I don't know if I should believe the reports that Donald Trump has tested positive for COVID-19.

It might be fake news.

I can’t believe it, someone stole all the light bulbs in my house?

I was de-lighted!

What do you call someone who believes the world is run by a shadow organization of Mexican chain restaurants?

QdobAnon

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My favorite NSFW Joke: A guy calls his friend, and says "you're not gonna BELIEVE what happened to me last night...

I was walking home from the bar, and I saw this woman tied to the railroad tracks, like in the old silent movies!"

His friend says "that's crazy! So what did you do?"
"Well, I untied her of course! And then I took her home and had sex with her all night long."

His friend says "tha...

Some people might not believe this.

Religion.

Even the Jewish people didn't believe they had an independent state.

So they called it IS REAL?

Bath night

A couple take in a beautiful young lady as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said...

I only believe in 12.5% of the bible...

...I guess that makes me an 1/8th theist.

Why do people believe in election fraud?

Christians are known to believe in something without proof.

When I was a kid, I used to believe in such nonsense as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny.

Now that I've grown older, I don't believe in that rubbish anymore, thank God.

What do you call a person who believes in the flat earth

An astronomical idiot

My friend joined a cult. They believe that one day they will cease to exist in their human form, and become water vapor.

I told him, "you will be mist".

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Me: can you believe they are still together after all the shit they have been through? She: who?

Your butt cheeks!

I always believe that a leader must be able to unite their people together...

Trump did it successfully by the debate.

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

I can’t believe I was late to my own piano recital.

I just couldn’t find my keys

Scientists believe they're very close to curing Agoraphobia.

Unfortunately for the agoraphobics, its just around the corner.

How is it possible for people to believe the moon landing never happened?

Come on! It's not rocket science!

I went to a fortune teller and she said to me "Do you believe in reincarnation?"....

I said "No and i didn't belive in it when i was a frog"...

My girlfriend said she would leave me if I don't stop singing I'm A Believer

I thought everything was fine. And then I saw her face...

Do you still believe that there's no Illuminati presence at the Amsterdam airport?

Wake up, Schiphol!

I can't believe the NASA/SpaceX Astronauts...

Don't you think they are taking "Social Distancing" a bit **too** seriously?

Trump must still believe that COVID-19 is a joke.

Because he finally got it.

I can't believe Fred and Daphne are breaking up

Yeah, I hear they're splitting up to search for clues

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I told my boss I had anal glaucoma and he wouldn't believe me

So I told him there was no way I could see my arse coming in today.

Does anybody else believe in solipsism..

Or is it just me?

All those people who believe in telekinetic energy...

Please raise my hand.

When I was young everybody believed in me

The doctor saw in me a potential physician

The teacher saw in me a potential professor

The chef saw in me a potential cook

The priest saw in me a potential partner

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

I believe that it is time for all the world's countries to come together and create one universal currency

I mean it's just common cents

What do you call a hipster who believes in reason?

Joe causal.

I dont believe in using animals for testing...

They always get all nervous and pick the wrong answers.

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Ofcourse I believe in astrology....

I am just like my star sign. A virgin.

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I can't believe the city where I live. Drugs on every corner, prostitutes with needles in their arse...

Frankly, these are the only reasons why I stay.

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician!

I was just sitting there doing nothing!

Don’t believe everything you read in public toilets

Don’t believe everything you read in public toilets. Sharon is not up for a good time. What an awkward phone call that was...

Why people never believe giraffes?

Because they tell tall tales

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

I strongly believe women are like fine wine.

They should be kept in a dark cellar and only brought out for special occasions.

The Blind Sales Clerk

A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about...

As kids, we were gullible enough to believe in fictional characters we never see like Santa and the Easter Bunny. As adults, we know better...

Thank God.

What do you call it when you can't believe you're in Egypt..

You are in de Nile.

Can't believe someone broke into my shed and stole my limbo stick

How low can ya go

I can’t believe people are still making “Friends” references more than 15 years after the show ended.

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

My wife said she found my first gray hair, but I didn't believe her for the longest time. Then when I was brushing my teeth this morning I saw it in the mirror, on the left side of my mustache.

It was right under my nose this whole time.

I can't believe I got a life sentence for a little insider trading

Technically it's called organ harvesting, but that's just semantics

Can’t believe people would make jokes about 9/11......

It’s just plane wrong

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A Catholic Priest, a Buddhist Monk, and an atheist walk into a bar.

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the good Lord in heaven and live in paradise for all of eternity. I do not curse, I for...

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A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

I can’t believe that there’s people that don’t eat the crust.

Like wtf it’s part of the food, it’s fantastic even if it doesn’t taste the same a the rest of the watermelon.

My friend asked me if I believe in killer clowns

I replied, "No doubt about IT"

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“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”

“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

guys pray for my friend. He told me he only believed 12.5% of the bible...

he said he's an eighth theist

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Hitler could've been better with his paintings.

Too bad he didn't believe in mixing colours.

Me: “Dude, I can’t believe that 2017 was 7 years ago.”

Friend:”What do you mean, 7 years ago is like 2013..”

Me:”That’s why I ain’t believing it.”

I can't believe this society

Everyone always asks me "Where are the hostages?", never, "How are the hostages?"

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, “Do you have any last words?”

The murderer said, “Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.

“So, I hadn’t showered for a week by the day I killed my wif...

A: “You’re not a believer but keep defending religion”

B: “I’m just playing the god’s advocate”

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A convict was sent to work at a church, you won't believe what happened next...

A guy got sentenced to do some community service at the local church after robbing it. The first day, the priest decided to put him to work at the confessional booth and accompanied him through the first confessions to show him how it works.

First woman entered the booth and said: "Bless me F...

There is a restaurant that advertises that it will serve you anything you want, but if they can't, then they will gift you $5000 as an apology.

A man passing by sees this message advertised at the entrance, and believes this to be bullshiet, but decides to try it out anyway.

He enters and a waiter takes him to a table. The waiter asks, "What would you like to eat today, sir?"

Man: "I would like an elephant's ear and a muffin ...

I can’t believe I just got fired from the calendar factory...

All I did was take a day off.

I can't believe people used to castrate themselves because of their religion

Now that takes balls.

There was a man who believed that he could cook the best meal ever existed in the history of kitchen culture, and he wanted to show his dish to the most talented an known chefs from all around the world

He invited all the top chefs of the world that he could reach to and organized a nice evening where he would cook and serve his special course. After the chefs came, he went to the kitchen and began cooking. Even though the chefs insisted, he didn't let anyone in and mysteriously prepared his dish.<...

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A man couldn't come to work because he was sick. However his boss didn't believe it.

Man: Boss, I can't come I am constipated.
Boss: You're full of shit

I can’t believe Trump is putting the condition of his hair above environmental water restrictions!

That speaks volume.

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Never believe a giraffe's ass

Whatever comes out of it is a tall tail

What do you call an Egyptian that believes life is meaningless?

A nileist

Two Roman men are talking...

Roman guy 1: you won't believe how many women I've slept with.

Roman guy 2: Mmm?

Roman guy 1: Don't be ridiculous, not that many.

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A cop waits for a bar to close and watches for drunks to drive off...

The first man out the door stumbles, wanders around looking for his car, then drops the keys under his car and starts crawling around looking for them. The cop, knowing if he waits until the guy finds his keys and pulls out he'll have a DUI arrest, sits and watches him for a while. Eventually the ma...

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Person 1: I can’t believe they're still together after all that shit.

Person 2: Who?

Person 1: My ass cheeks

I can't believe the vulgar language kids are using on Xbox Live.

Do they kiss my mother with that mouth?

I firmly believe that all races are equal.

Which is why I'm no longer allowed to position the starting blocks at the Olympics.

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.”

The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and ...

I believe pencils are superior to pens, especially for filling out crossword puzzles.

Does that make me erasist?

I can’t believe it’s riot season already

I still have my Covid decorations up

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

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Do you believe in ghosts?

So it's the first day of the parapsychology class. The teacher asks, "How many of you believe in ghosts?"

All of the students raise their hands.

"And how many of you have ever seen a ghost?"

About 90% of the students raise their hands.

"And how many of you have ever touch...

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A man goes for a prostate exam.

The doctor is checking him out when he finds a roll of $100 bills stuffed up his ass. He pulls out the money and counts it.

“You’re not gonna believe this, but I just found $1900 shoved up your ass!”

The man says, “Well that makes sense. That’s why I haven’t been feeling too grand.”

If you truly believe that "Colour Doesn't Matter"

try arguing with your wife when choosing wallpaper.

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