I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician!

I was just sitting there doing nothing!

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him "I believe I found the reason for your stuttering".

The man asked, "Waah.. waaah.. waah.. what is my pro... proo... problem?"

The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant."
...

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media

But every American knows that America is the best country in the world

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home all the signs were there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”

“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight." Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father."

The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you believe ‘you are what you eat’

Don’t ever call me a pussy again

What kind of magic do cows believe in?

Moodoo

I only believe in about 12.5% of the bible

I’m an eighth-theist

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off.

PSA - Don't believe everything you read in Public toilets.

Sharon is not up for a good time....boy what an awkward phone call that was.

My sister always said she’d go down in history. But I didn't believe her.

Looking back, that’s probably why she got such good marks.

My author friend claims that he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe it.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?

**A rebel without a Claus.**

Believe it or not, there are comedians who are simply not funny.

No joke.

I can’t believe it’s been more than 100 years since Einstein proposed The Theory of Relativity.

Feels like only yesterday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Jesus's time, some heard and didn't believe that He was the son of God. They said no way. His rebuttal.....

Yahweh

Can you believe my coworker called me patronizing?

Oh, sorry, patronizing is when you talk down to someone.

My friend did not believe in the existence of trousers for monkeys.

I looked them up on the internet and told him,

"Chimp pants, see?"

Many Christians believe that the person who crucified Jesus made a very bad move.

I don't know, 'cos I think he nailed it.

My mom always refused to tell me I was her favorite child, and insisted she didn't believe in choosing a favorite.

Which was really hurtful since I don't have any siblings.

A twelve year old came up to me and asked for a cigarette. I can't believe it!

So nice to see young people using manners

I believe I’ve got everything it takes to be rich

except money

I used to not believe in climate change

But around October I started supporting global warming

"You won't believe who I ran into today!"

"Who?"

"I don't know but she's in the hospital and I will probably lose my driving license."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.

I've never seen one before, but I have faith.

Hard to believe, but my girlfriend has a rare disease that makes her allergic to cosmetic products.

It’s true, this is something you can’t make up

My girlfriend kept telling me she was going to break up with me if I didn't stop quoting the song I'm a Believer by The Monkees, but I thought she was just kidding...

Then I saw her face.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can't believe after all the shit they are back together!

My butt cheeks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Girlfriend believes in Zodiac signs

So I am fucking stupid

I used to believe my neighbour when he said he slept standing upright.

But he's been lying.

"It's a boy!" he shouted. "It's a BOY! I still can't believe it!"

And he swore to never go back to Thailand again.

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat die and go to heaven. God greets the three and asks each what they believe in. First God asks the German Shepherd who replies, "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master." God says, "This is good, you can sit here at my right hand."

Next, God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies, "I believe in love and protecting my master." God says, "Wonderful, you can sit here at my left."

Finally, God asks the cat what he believes in and the cat replies, "I believe you are in my seat."

I couldnt believe it. Tears rolled down my eyes as I said, 'Its a boy'

That was when I decided to leave Thailand and never return

My friend refuses to believe that working with decimals is easier than working with fractions.

He is missing the point.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I married a girl who didn’t believe in sex before marriage.

In hindsight, I should have made sure she believed in sex after marriage

I couldn’t believe when my girlfriend said that she has an abduction fetish.

But she demands to be taken, seriously!

I can’t believe it, someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick.

Seriously though, how low can you go?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Experts believe that having too much sex can cause double vision

Does Does
anyone anyone
believe believe
that that
crap? crap?

“Doctor, I believe that love is infectious”

“Indeed, that’s why you have gonorrhea”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a sex-addicted atheist believe in?

Nutting!

I can’t believe people are letting fireworks off in October!

It’s scared the dog so badly he’s knocked the Christmas tree over.

You may not believe that Blackface happened in Canadian Politics...

It's Trudeau.

I don’t believe in conspiracy theories.

I everyone who believes them is working together to scare me.

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today.

That’s 7 years in a row now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your ...

I can't believe some people

Girls remove polish with chemicals all the time, but one guy does it and we apparently need to start a second world war to stop him.

A lot of people believe the chicken came first.

I'm egg-theist.

Can't believe the near death experience I had the other day

A sudden heart attack on my couch! I was going to call 911, and then I realized

I can't die in a living room

Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they make the toys.

I didn't want to believe the racist man in the brown face was the Prime Minister of Canada

It's Trudeau!

NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS ANYMORE!!

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It...

I don’t believe in bros before hoes or hoes before bros. There just needs to be balance.

I call it a homie-hoe-stasis.

Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences’

I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!’

My dyslexic friend believes in the power of the Ancient Roman God of Love

what a cupid stunt

“It’s a boy!” I shouted, with tears rolling down my face. “It’s a boy! I don’t believe it!”

And it was at that point that I resolved never to visit Thailand again.

I believe Jesus worked as a beer brewer.

The bible says Hebrews.

Mrs. Swindon declined to serve on the jury because she was not a believer in capital punishment and didn’t want her beliefs to get in the way of the trial.

“But, Madam,” said the public defender, who had taken a liking to her kind face and calm demeanor, “this is not a murder trial. It is merely a civil lawsuit being brought by a wife against her husband. He gambled away the twelve thousand dollars he’d promised to spend on a sable coat for her birthda...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During a recent archaeological dig, researchers believe they have found the worlds first tampon...

...but they don't know from what period.

Why did no one believe a word the centaur said?

They thought it was satyr.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.