People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

I don’t believe in bros before hoes or hoes before bros. There just needs to be balance.

I call it a homie-hoe-stasis.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”


“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

I can't believe how many people don't understand erectile dysfunction.

I mean, it's not hard.

I only believe in about 12% of the bible...

I’m an eighthiest

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Nobody believes me, but I only have sex standing up.

I’m not fucking lying.

Sometimes, I can't believe that the government has legally let me marry hundreds of women.

And all I had to do was get ordained.

I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.

I thought it would be a piece of cake!

I never wanted to believe that my father stole from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I don't believe that the Moon Landing ever happened.

I mean, come on. The Moon is huge; if it had landed, it would've squished all of the astronauts.

For anybody who doesn't believe vaccines cause autism...

My Douglas was vaccinated and is now nearly five years old. He has still not learned to speak a single word, cannot dress himself and is not even able to use the toilet.

Don't let vaccines ruin your dog's life too.

Neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 in the morning last nite. 2:30am! Can you believe it?

He was so damn lucky I was still up playing my drums or I would've lost it.
Some people have no consideration for others.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off.

I have mad respect for anti vaxxers

There are not many people who would die for their believes

I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment

So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead

Why dont atheists believe in exponential equations?

Because they don't believe in a higher power.

I'm not a racist, I just believe that...

the Indy 500 is superior to all other races.

Can you believe I was thrown out of my church for claiming Jesus spoke with a lisp?

It was a real slap in the faith...

Do you believe in Hinduism?

Do you believe in Hinduism? Because I heard that they consider your mom a sacred animal.

I believe that everyone should be treated equally.

Unless you drink straight milk. I mean, who does that?

I told my boss he better give me a raise because three other companies were currently after me. He didn’t believe me and asked which ones.

“Gas, electric, and water.”

What kind of magic do cows believe in?

MOODOO!

“I can’t believe you’re sleeping with my best friend!” a husband yells at his wife while packing up his belongings.

“Does the fact that he finds me attractive really surprise you?” the wife asks.

​

“Yes,” the man replies, “especially after everything I’ve told him!”

My wife didn’t believe that I would give our daughter an embarrassing name.

But I decided to call her Bluff.

You wouldn’t believe how mean my wife is.

She is the most average person you will ever meet.

Hey man you just have to believe in yourself and even if you can't swim yet, you can wade through the water head up high...

Nope, I am only 4'10 and this is deep.

Why did Aristotle believe men could mold themselves through their actions like clay?

His teacher was Plato.

Boss: Do you believe in life after death?

Me: I don’t know, why?

Boss: Because the grandfather whose funeral you missed work for yesterday is on the phone.

Hobbits don’t believe in the bible

Because they can’t fathom the idea of a last supper

My friend Eric believes his true purpose in life is to write put-downs on the back of kitchen tiles

He calls it his Eric-tile diss-function

I can’t believe it has been more than a hundred years since Einstein published his Theory of Relativity.

It seems like only yesterday.

I was driving with my daughter on a beautiful sunny day this winter and I said, "I can't believe how poor the visibility is."

She said, "What do you mean? It's perfectly clear." Pointing down I said, "I can only see four feet in front of us."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I can’t believe you’re masturbating in the bathroom.

That’s why I come here.

I am a builder from Sioux Falls, and I was recently in Madrid at a local tavern, and couldn’t believe the amount of code violations in their building practices. This led me to accept that they are their own culture and....

Nobody inspects the Spanish inn condition.

The foreman at my bridge construction site is always rushing things. But when I got the beams set ahead of schedule he didn't believe me.

Nobody expects the span is in position.

I can't believe how supportive my wife was after telling her I was going to take a second wife

She said it was bigamy.

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

I can't believe all these viruses and bacteria invade my body without permission

Makes me sick

I strongly believe in karma.

Like this other day i noticed a homeless man sitting in front of the supermarket. He seemed to have a difficult time.

I went into the supermarket and collected some stuff to give to the homeless man, i wrapped it up neatly in some wrapping paper and went back outside

The homeless man a...

You guys may not agree with me but I personally believe that anti-vax kids will make it to 20

2020 that is

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I can't believe my girlfriend stole a massive dildo from a sex shop we were in without me noticing!

I didn't know she had it in her.

At first I didn’t believe that my girlfriend was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees...

... but then I saw her face

I can’t believe people are still making “Friends” references 15 years after the show ended.

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

I heard a rumor that the next Legend of Zelda game is to be set in a Hyrule version of Spain. No one believes me

They don’t expect a Spanish Link decision

I can’t believe there are not more anti vaxxer wide receivers.

They will catch everything you throw at them.

An Egyptian farmer refuses to believe his fields had flooded...

He was in De Nile.

My author friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe it.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

Nobody believes me when I tell them I had a splinter when touring Spain and a playful little kid helped get rid of it.

Nobody expects the Spanish imp incision.

I don’t believe in hitting my kids as punishment

I just do it for fun

What do you call a gangster who believes in double standards?

A hypocrip.

What do you call a Cuban man who doesn’t believe in religion?

Infidel Castro

When someone dont believe in global warming

Be a lot cooler if they did

What do you call people who don't believe in evolution?

Primate change deniers

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I couldn’t believe there was a turd in the shop at the airport

It said duty free

I believe that the ultra rich deserve to be treated like royalty

Louis XVI, specifically

Trump says he believes in traditional marriages

He has had 3 of them so far

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[OC] I saw a Japanese martial artist, I've seen him on tv before so I excitedly waved at him. He was confused and said "I don't believe we've met"

I said "I recognize Judo".

I really do believe Allah is the one true god

I mean the universe was created by an EXPLOSION wasn't it?

Roman guy: You won't believe how many women I've slept with

Second Roman: mmm?

Roman Guy: don't be ridiculous, not that many

I believe I can Fly, Bump and Grind, and Ignition by R Kelly were all written in the same key

A minor

A guy walked into a bar one day and he couldn’t believe his eyes.

There, in the corner, sat a one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.

So the guy asked the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”

The bartender replied, “There’s a genie in the men’s room that grants wishes.”

The guy then ran into the men’s room, and sure en...

No one believes seniors...

No one believes seniors… Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It w...

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

My friends wouldn’t believe I had OCD.

So I made sure to set them straight.

Two guys are walking down the street in Florida and they see a sign outside a bar that says "10 cent Martinis" and they decide to go in. They don't believe it, but decide to order anyway. The bartender makes two large Belvedere martinis with blue cheese olives and says "That will be 20 cents."

The two guys can't believe it, but drink up and order again. While the bartender is making the drinks, they ask him "How can you afford to do this?" The bartender responds, "I always wanted to own a bar where people could drink cheaply and then I won the lottery." One of the patrons responded, "That...

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been completely avoided...

...if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Some people don't believe the allegations that Louis CK whipped his dick out...

...others saw it coming.

Fun fact: 7% of American adults believe that chocolate milk comes from brown cows.

93% of American adults think chocolate milk should come from white male cows.

I got the best parking spot today, right in front of the bank. I couldn't believe my luck

I don't actually need to go to the bank, but the opportunity was to good to give up.

A man, who believes in avoiding doctors and hospitals at all cost, had to have emergency surgery for an inflamed appendix.

In pain, but still protesting the whole idea of an operation, he muttered,

"When God gave man an appendix, there must have been a reason for putting it there, am I right?"

"Oh there was," said the surgeon.

"God gave you that appendix so I could put my kids through university."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I can't believe that even in 2018, I can't wear my mini skirt to work..

And the only "reason" for that is apparently my dick is showing.

My grandfather use to say "Don't believe everything you hear."

Which was good advice...... Or was it ?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a guy masturbating on the bus. I couldn’t believe it.

Where does he get off?!

A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"

The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."

I can't believe Trump wants to [REDACTED] his [REDACTED] while [REDACTED] with his [REDACTED] up his [REDACTED]

WTF? I thought the NSA wasn't getting paid. Damn they work fast.

Would you believe me…

Would you believe me if I told you that I think a dog could retrieve a stick that’s been thrown over 700 miles away? Or would you say that idea is…




far fetched?

It’s not that Trump doesn’t believe in climate change

He just wants to Make Greenland Green Again.

My friend refused to believe that there was a river in Egypt.

He was in de-Nile.

What did the motivational speaker dolphin believe?

That everybody in life has a porpoise

My wife didn't believe that my communist friend could predict the weather, but I said;

"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

I met a guy who believes the Earth is flat. He set off on a journey to see for himself.

I'm sure he'll come around.

My friend said he had a really good memory. I didn’t believe him and told him to prove it.

He told me about a time when he was 6 and wanted an N64 for christmas. On christmas morning he found an N64 and 3 games under the tree and was overjoyed.

I guess I was wrong. It was a pretty good memory.

Some religious people believe that serious illnesses such as cancer do not require medical treatment,

and can be cured by the power of prayer alone.

Sceptics may chuckle, but there is a scientific basis for this kind of thinking.

It's called natural selection.

I'm pretty sure my dad believes in the geocentric theory.

The other day he even said, "The world doesn't revolve around you, son".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wife: I cannot believe you had sex with my sister!

Husband: I walked in the room and she was lying there naked! What was I supposed to do?

Wife: The Autopsy!

My Chinese friend refuses to believe that our buddy Ty is now the state boxing champion.

People from China refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I can't believe that there is a sex offender registry.

Who would buy gifts for these people?

When she asked me about my sign I told her I don't believe in astrology...

Because I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical.

A man is in a mental hospital because he believes himself to be a seed.

He is treated for years by one of the world's best psychiatrists. After 6 years, he finally becomes convinced that he is not, in fact, a seed. There is a party to celebrate his release from the hospital.

A chicken shows up to the party. The man freezes and slowly starts to inch behind a nearb...

You will not believe what just happened...

I walked into the store to get a drink...When I walked in I noticed these 2 police officers watching some guy who was smoking while pumping gas.. I saw him & thought, "This guy didn't have any common sense & was he crazy? With the cops right there too?! But anyway, I went in and got my drink...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One of my classmates made everyone falsely believe that I was gay

I fucked him up.

How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis?

Raise my hand.

After my divorce I couldn't believe how much I missed my ex.

I really need to work on my aim.

A man gets struck by lightning, you won't believe what happens next

Because believe me when I say this, you will find the results shocking

"It’s a boy!!! I cannot believe it – it’s a boy!! I was so overwhelmed, I literally stood there in tears"

~Mike, 32, abruptly ending his holiday in Thailand

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Can you believe i can teach you how to tie rope while taking a crap?

I shit, you knot.

If you believe every citizen should own a gun raise your hand,

and if you don't, raise both hands and give me your wallet.

Moses couldn't believe his mother would just put him in a basket and forget about him

He was in da Nile

I can't believe people are still asking each other "Who came first, the chicken or the egg"

It was obviously the rooster

It's hard to believe Brett Kavanaugh is a judge.

It sounds like the guy's never been able to pass a bar in his life.

Donald Trump doesn't believe in the eventual flooding of the coasts due to climate change

apparently he doesn't think America can sink any lower either.

What do you call it when Kanye West doesn't believe in you?

Ye of little faith.