UPJOKE
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Guess Jokes

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!'

'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

Professor X [sitting in his wheel chair] asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?" Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
r>Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"

Professor X, still standing: ...

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this August!” I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them!
AI Image Generator

I guess China finally got what they want

They managed to coronise the world.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"So, I guess you've never been with a prostitute before then." She said.

I replied "Well, No, but how can you tell?"

She said "Look, don't worry about it, just take the pound coins out my vagina and we'll start again."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist told me I should second guess myself less

[Edited]

Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex.

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...

...an ether/oar situation.

I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it. Guess now I really am....

Independent

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

>!Everybody!<

Edit 1: Wow, this blew up. is this where you post your soundcloud?

Edit 2: My inbox is ruined, I should start charging reddit coins for formatting questions.

Fishermen hate him—you'll never guess this one strange item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else

Click bait

My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?"

My mom answered "Who?"

"Your daughter"

courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago

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A gas station owner in Arkansas was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read: *** "FREE SEX w/fill-up ... just guess the right number between 1 & 10.” ***

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and asked for his FREE SEX.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his FREE SEX.
The redneck guessed ‘8’. The proprietor said, "You were close. The number was ‘7’. Sorry, but no FREE SEX thi...

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guess my age....

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is t...

You'll never guess what happened to my foreskin when I went to a Jewish festival the other day?

[/removed]

90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.

Always



Coming



From



Take



Me



Down

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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"...

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Guess who‘s no longer a 24 year old virgin...

...i turned 25 yesterday.

It’s disgusting. They used to make COCA-Cola with REAL Cocaine! So you can probably guess what they used to make shamPOO with!

Yep, child labour.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pornhub promised to plant 1 tree for every 100 views. Guess what I will do.

I will single handedly save the plant.

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

>!Everybody!<

A man compalins to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with. His wife said "Well what about your friend Clyde?" The men replied "Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren't looking?" "No, I guess not" replied his wife. The man said....

"Neither would Clyde"

A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!"

The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"

The guessing game

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown.

She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

\- "Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"

The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts ou...

I wouldn't have guessed Bob Barker was 99 years old when he died.

I would have guessed he was 1 years old and hope all the other guesses were over.

Guess who stopped smoking this morning?

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

I guess they didn't appreciate me driving around Berlin with an anchor in my passenger seat.

They told me it was for boatin'

I guess the TV ads were lying to us all the time.

Aren’t you supposed to call the doctor if your election lasts this long?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The first time I ever got caught having sex, guess what her mother said to me?

BAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

I just got a wooden motorcycle. It has a wooden frame, wooden handle bars, wooden wheels, and a wooden seat. Guess what?

It wooden start.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nothing says “I guess I’ll just watch some porn,”

like accidentally opening your spam folder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher was testing her students' ability to guess what objects were without using their sight...

She had the kids all blindfolded and gave them things such as pine cones, little bars of soap, or small toy animals, and they had to figure out what they were by using their sense of touch or smell. Then she gave them a real treat, Life Savers in all kinds of flavors, and they had to taste them to g...

An old man in a nursing home says to a woman “I bet you can’t guess how old I am.” The woman responds “I bet I can, drop your pants.”

He does and the woman says “you’re 96 years old.” Amazed, the old man asked her how she knew that and she told him “you told me at breakfast.”

My neighbor's son Bran always gave them a tough time eating breakfast. I guess you could say

Raisin Bran was hard !

A husband comes home and says to his wife "I just bought condoms with taste. Let's turn off the light, and then you can guess what flavor it is." So they turned off the lights and...

The wife asks: "Is it cheese and tuna flavor?"

The Husband says: "Take it easy, let me put it on first"

Guess who’s getting some head tonight

My pillow

I saw a fat dude with a Guess shirt on

so I approached him and said " 380lbs?"

With McDonalds closing all around Russia I guess that means it is a..

..no fry zone.

(Credit to my dad for the joke)

I bet you a month of Reddit gold that I can guess where you got your shoes, how many kids your father had, and what state you were born in.

You got your shoes on your feet.

You father didn't have kids your mother did.

And you were born in the state of infancy.

--------

Credits to a homeless dude sharing this with me.

Well now that the BTS boys are going to the army i guess they'll come back with

BTSD

See if you can guess which sub this got removed from:

I just traded a piece of fruit for a weight measuring device....

Banana for scale

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I guess it's true that you are what you eat

After all, Ellen Degeneres turned out to be a cunt

I took a photo of a goat and showed him. Guess it didnt like it..

His reaction was "Meh"..

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Little Johnny runs into the farmhouse yelling "Paw! Paw! You'll never guess what!"

Paw says "What?" and Little Johnny says "Old man Henderson's farmhouse just got sucked clear away by a whirlwind!"

"I know," says Paw calmly. "It's in the paper."

Disgruntled, Little Johnny trudges off, but a couple of days later he's running into the farmhouse again yelling "Paw! Paw!...

A man stands over the coffin of his deceased wife. "Her star sign was cancer you know" he says. " I guess it's ironic..."

"That she was killed by a giant crab."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guess what?

Chicken butt.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it

So I said "Implants?"

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There’s this psychiatrist who claims to guess the frequency of sex by looking at the smile on the guys face

. A talk show host challenges him and it goes really well with a 100% accuracy till this one guy shows up with a grin that would dislocate a crocodile’s jaw.

“Twice a day,”

“Nope.”

“Daily.”

“Nope.”

“Every other day.”

“Nope.”

“Weekends.”

“Nope.”...

I forget the name of it, but my favourite TV show is that one where you’ve got to try and guess which one is lying and which one is telling the truth. Presented by that Welsh guy.

What’s it called again?

Oh yeah, The News.

Guess what two cannibals did for dinner in Prague?

They split the Czech!

How did he guess?

A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses and a tightly knotted power tie, poked his head out the window and asked t...

Guess what my grades and whales have in common?

They rarely rise above "C" level. ᴴᵉˡᵖ

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Teacher is giving out candy and the students are trying to guess the flavor.

No one can figure it out so the teacher gives a hint. "It's what your mother sometimes calls your father" The students look around for a minute and timmy in the back yells "SPIT IT OUT IT'S ASSHOLE!"

I misplaced something at the office. A nice man in a turban helped me locate it. I guess it's true what they say.

Sikh and you shall find.

(edit: same man teased me about the pronunciation. It was good natured, but it was still a Sikh burn)

(also a comma)

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Guy says to a Blonde girl, I bet I can guess when you were born just by fondling your tits, no way says the Blonde, go on then, so 20 minutes later the Blonde says OK when was I born?

Guy says: Yesterday.

Guess what came in the mail today

I did, I ran out of tissue.

The very spiritual Gandhi walked everywhere, leaving him with impressive calluses. And he ate very little, which made him rather frail. His odd diet also plagued him with bad breath. I guess you could say.....

That he was a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A couple were watching a movie in a dark theater when a mosquito went inside the girl's pants. Can you guess where did the mosquito bite?

On the boyfriend's hand, you dirty minded perverts. Smh.

I guess we could call last night's events…

The Pursuit of Slappiness

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I should have guessed getting eyes surgically attached to my asshole was a bad idea.

But hind sight is 20/20.

Guess who's coming to live with us

Wife calls her mother: "Today I fought so much with my husband. I am coming to live with you again.”

Mother: “No, he should pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”

If you made a guess, would google be male or female?

Definitely a female, she won’t let you finish a sentence without trying to finish it for you!

So I guess there was this rancher who was growing a really weird breed of cattle.

They were a really vivid blue green color.  No one could believe it... They thought he was airbrushing them or painting them or using Instagram filters or photoshop.

Finally an fda inspector--Neal Beal was his name--wanted to go out to the ranch and see for himself whether these cows were re...

A Message to my Father: "You were never there for me growing up, but without you, I guess I wouldn't even exist. So...

Thanks for nuttin', Dad."

Can we guess your age with just one weird question?

What year were you born?

Pretty lame I guess depends on how many of you get it.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Door mum

Door mum who?

I've come to bargain

I went to fairground recently and there was a man doing 'Guess your weight' so i stood in the queue and when it got to my turn

The man said "That was about 15 minutes"....

Guess what I have right now?

Your attention.

I guess I eat too much.

My phone doesn’t recognize me unless I have food in my mouth.

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A band teacher is giving a quiz to her class where you have to guess the name of a famous song based on a clue.

She starts with the easy clues: "Comedian".

"The Entertainer!" one of the flute players says immediately.

Then the teacher goes to a slightly more difficult clue: "Metal container is able to".

"The Cancan!" a saxophone player responds instantly.

Pleased with the results s...

I took a ride last night, and I guess Uber will just hire anyone now.

I had to sit in the backseat because the driver’s guide-dog was riding shotgun.

The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."

"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and ...

GUESS WHAT I SAW!

Wood.

I guess you could say October is...

Oct-over

I hate seeing directors make the same movie. It gets boring, I guess I'm...

Board of directors

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Given that Wendy has a crush on Peter Pan, I guess you can say....

She's Pansexual.

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Harry says to Hermione: "Hey Hermione, guess how I got my dick to be 12 inches?"

Hermione sarcastically responds: "I don't know Harry... Magic?"

Harry: "I folded it in half."

Non english speakers, translate the best joke you have from your language. Other redditors will have to guess from what country the joke is.

Obviously, names and places will have to be translated too.

I'm in love with a woman called Clairy but I married her sister, Lorraine. I always felt too guilty to cheat on my wife, but here's the thing- she's just left me. So, I guess...

...I can see Clairy now Lorraine has gone.

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As a woman who worked for the church this past year, guess how much sex I had?

Nun!

My girlfriend got the coronavirus so I broke up with her. 2 weeks later, she’s seeing a new guy now and apparently he just tested positive. Be careful out there everyone, I guess what they say is true.

Ex gon give it to ya

Guess what I got my toilet for birthday?

A Urinal cake.

Policemen are great at Volleyball, guess why?

They serve and protect.

My friend Adi is a world class shoe expert. If you asked me “what’s the best shoe brand,” I’m not sure I’d know the answer. But I’d guess...

Adi does.

I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but I was outbid at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true:

You can't win a mall.

If you were to second guess your decision to book time at a native american community

That would be a reservation reservation reservation.

I guess I must be in the minority, but I always lick the knife when I’m done.

None of the other surgeons seem to do it.

Guess who I saw today...

Everyone I looked at

Ive noticed recently that I can guess what style of facial hair someone has behind their mask.

I think I might be hairvoyant

I guess the Jokes on me...

I post a Joke on reddit and my joke gets 7 upvotes.

Days later... other people RE-POST my exact joke and get 6.7k upvotes.

I made a sideshow of guessing whether you're right or left handed just by asking your favorite color.

I'm very proud of my 90% success rate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher gives her kindergarten students four flavors of live savers and they have to guess the flavors. The students guess cherry, lime, and orange. They don't know the last flavor.

So the teacher gives them a hint and say it's what your parents call each other. A little girl shouts and says “ OMG their assholes.

I guess half of America are whistle-blowers this morning

Cause we're all Snowden

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elementary school teacher decided hand out candy and have the students guess what they are...

The teacher explains to the class the game they will be playing; guessing the candy she gives them. The class roars in excitement.


The teacher walks over to a student named Suzie, and hands her a peppermint. The student puts it in her mouth, and without skipping a beat says, "I know thi...

A guy comes home with flowers for his wife. She says “I guess I’ll have to spread my legs now huh?” He says “....

Why?!? Don’t you have a vase?”

I took a dyslexia test online, but as it turns out it was actually a dysphoria test, so guess what...

I'm a gril who can't raed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can anyone guess the company name that specializes in Prosthetics Assholes.

PROSTI-TOOT

If you're having second thoughts about dinner plans on tribal lands... I guess you're having...

Reservations about reservations on the reservation.

My friend successfully guessed the first present I'd got him for his Cuban themed party, but not the second present.

Clothes but no cigar.

In the late '80s, NBC's most popular sitcom was the Cosby Show, with ALF not far behind. Knowing what we know now, I guess you could call their weekly ratings battle

Alien vs. Predator.

Guess What?













The Spanish Inquisition.

They say Donald Trump was charged with crimes that would have been ignored if someone else had committed them

I guess orange really is the new black.

I have this weird ability of guessing what is inside a wrapped present.

You can say ....it’s a gift.

Young Actor: "Dad, guess what? I've just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who's been married for 30 years."

Father: "Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you'll get a speaking part."

Guess who ISN'T getting a laptop this year?

Hunter biden

Guess history repeats itself!

We have Electro Swing, another Pandemic, and a Crashing Stock Market! Looks like the Twenties are back again!

It’s time for me to stop second-guessing myself!

Or, you know what, never mind.

I guess I'm semi retired now If I don't find work soon,

I'll be living in a big truck.

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