A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

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One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
Americ...

Why do British people pronounce the word “Bri’ish” like they do?

Because they drank all the T.

(Told to me by my 11yo)

My British friend told me he lost 50 pounds.

He seemed really upset when I congratulated him.

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What's the difference between an American prostitute and a British prostitute?

You can have sex with 200 pounds.

Why do British people pronounce it "bri'ish"?

Because after the incident in Boston, they always hide the t

An American man gets married to a British woman

Before the big night, his father tells him: "Tonight I want you to carry your wife in your arms to show her that the US is a strong nation.

Then I want you to throw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation


And finally I want you to take of your clothes to show her ...

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A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen.

He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, whic...

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink. [NSFW]

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink.

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees ...

You usually don't get British Breakfast in Thailand..

but you will ocassionaly find two eggs and a sausage in places, where you were not even hoping for it.

The British Flat Earth society opened a branch in the US

It is called Apartment Earth Society.

My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

A british person plays chess with an american,

The british person always wins. Why?


Their queen never dies.

When the curator of The British Museum was asked how they felt about exotic & foreign art exhibitions, he replied...

We could take them or leave them

What did the American elevator say to the British elevator?

You lift bro?

A British Airways flight just reached it's cruise altitude

The captain grabs the microphone and announces: " Ladies and Gentleman, this is your captain. Welcome to flight 293, non-stop service from London-Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and... OH... MY GOD!"

Silence followe...

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Two British army generals are catching up in the mess hall after years of not seeing one another during WWII.

“So Reginald, how you been my old mate?”

“Oh good good. Survived some close calls but can’t complain. How’s the ol’ wife Montgomery?”

“She’s well. Doing well.”

“And Manfred? You see him much?”

“Yep he’s fine. Lost most of his hearing in the battle at Vimy, but bless hi...

Why are British people always depressed?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is France!


(Also works with New York - New Jersey)

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Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

British people don't drive one the wrong side of the street

but they don't drive on the right side either

What’s the British version of propaganda?

A really hard look at something

What do you call a British bank robber?

A quid-napper

What's something that feels British, but isn't?

The contents of the British museum.

Why did the sun never set on the British Empire?

Because God did not trust the British in the dark.

Why do Americans start behaving like British people once they enter prison.

They start fighting with shanks instead of guns.

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A German, Japanese and Italian soldier are captured by the British during WW2 and are detained in a POW camp

First they interrogate the German. He gave up the information they needed somewhat easily, just after a few minutes of torture. He returned to the other prisoners feeling ashamed and disheartened.

Next was the Japanese soldier. He was more resilient than the German, it took the Brits several ...

I made fun of British accents

They called it H Speech

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A British man, a Japanese man and an American man are kidnapped by cannibals...

The chief says to them: "First, you die. Then, we eat you. Then we make your skin into canoe. But you may choose how you die."


The British man says: "Gun."


The cannibals give him a gun that they took from a previous captive. The british man shouts "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!" and ...

what did the british guy say when he discovered that tea was first made in china?

real tea is often disappointing



repost because the first one had too many spelig misteks

A British man was talking to his friend about his views on Brexit...

"These bloody immigrants come over here. They're up to no good, right? I hate these bloody immigrants. They need to go back to where they came from."


His friend replies with "But why do you hate them so much?"


The British man replies, "I'll tell you why I hate them, I'll te...

What’s the least British thing in a British Museum?

The Exhibits

I took British Airlines to court after losing my luggage.

The judge threw it out because we had no case

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A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors

.

The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”

He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”

The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front o...

Why don’t British people cry at funerals?

They are used to Casual Teas

A British ship is sinking.

The radio operator is sending out a distress call saying "Mayday, mayday we are sinking. Please help."

A few kilometers away, a German ship hears the call, and the radio operator, who doesn't speak English very well and is new on the job, answers

"uh hello, we hear you. Um, what are y...

These Britishers are great !!

These Britishers are great !!



British PM Boris Johnson has been blessed with a baby boy from his girlfriend.



Johnson and Johnson have come out with a single dose Covid vaccine .



They let out an ad featuring the PM with his kid and their vaccine’s name in...

"Un, deux, trois, quatre", radioed the French ship...

...before it cinq.

"Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence.

"Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres.

"One," radioed the British ship before it went two.

"Oh," radioed the American sub. "I guess we won"

British English has only three vowels : A, I , O.

They have left E.U.

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I saw the worst British porno from the 60s, it was totally filthy and unsanitary...

Carrion up your Khyber.

What web browser to British people use?

Innit Explorer

What did the colonists say to the British when it was their turn to attack?

Europe!

What do the British and murder hornets have in common?

They’re both an invasive species.

Why do British people love playing chess?

Coz no-one can kill their Queen.

Why don't British people pronounce the letter 't'?

Because the Americans threw it in the ocean.

ALTERNATE PUNCHLINE: Because they drank it all.

A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question

"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?"

The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond.

She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the c...

A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden

_Here's one I vividly remember being told by a kid in a playground when I was about 5 years old._


A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden. Incredulous they demand to see it for themselves.

When they get into the garden they see the slide is signif...

British weather is a bit like Islam

It's sometimes sunni but it is usually shi'ite!

So, I was talking to my British friend.

I told him that I started watching some British TV. The name of what I saw was on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t exactly remember what it was.

He told me to describe it and I said, “you know, the one with the doctor.”

“Oh Doctor Who?”

“No, Dr No!”

“Oh, thanks but I’...

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What do you call a British man who sets fires to people's behinds?

An arsenist.

You've heard the expression 'tit for tat'?

Well I've got more than enough [tat](https://dictionary.cambridge.org/amp/english/tat). Anyone know where to go to trade it in for my reward?

^Edit: ^was ^not ^aware ^'tat' ^was ^a ^British ^term, ^sorry ^America

A joke my mother told me today

A British man comes to a village and is given saag^1 on bajra roti^2. He eats the saag by itself and returns the roti to his hosts, saying "Here is your plate."

1. Saag is a mushy dish made with boiled spinach or mustard greens

2. Bajra roti is a flat bread made from millet, it has no...

Why did the British Dentist regret giving the entitled man a crown

The patient started acting like a tyrant

Piece of British humour for you.

A woman goes to the funeral home to visit her late husband whose funeral is the next day.

Upon seeing the body, she says to the funeral director, “Oh, no, you've dressed him in a blue suit! He hated blue and I've given all his other suits to charity!”

The funeral director says, “I'm no...

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I’ve designed a bathroom stall door that will open for everyone except British detectives.

It’s called a No Shit, Sure-Lock.

A British tabloid has just run a story about how self conscious I am.

Its really upset me, I hate seeing myself in The Mirror.

A team of British archaeologists dug to a depth of 15 feet and found an intricate network of copper wires.

From this, the team concluded that the Britain was advanced enough to have telephone connections in their cities 150 years ago.

In response to this, American archaeologists started their own expedition. They dug up to a depth of 20 feet and found an even more expansive network of copper wires...

Two retired British Indian Army officers sat in the common room of their nursing home waiting for tea when they began reminiscing about their time India.

“Say, old chap, did I ever tell you about the time I was attacked by a Bengal tiger?”

“I dare say I’ve not heard that one.”

“I decided one summer to try my hand at taking down one of the royal beasts. I hired a guide from the local village and armed with my rifle we set out. Several ho...

How did the British variant of Covid spread?

Through British airways.

Geoffrey, a middle aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and ...

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The Britain had just colonized Malaysia, three local criminals were caught and brought to the British Commander...

"They committed such deadly crimes, they should be beheaded!" The Lieutenant suggested the Commander.

Hearing that, the three criminals pleaded for their lives to the Commander.

The Commander agreed to let them live under one condition, which was to collect 10 fruits of same type.
<...

When I was younger, I thought I was clever by coming up with a joke: What is a British person's favourite cereal?

Cheerios!

I told this to joke to a British person.

They were a little tea'd off.

Canadians and British are very upset about yesterday's events.

They are no longer the only ones that rushed the Capitol.

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An elderly British couple are vacationing in Africa.

An elderly British couple have just arrived in Africa for a safari vacation and are being shuttled by taxi to their hotel. They drive by a rural village, and a man is outside, completely naked, with a ruler up against his penis.

"Blimey!" exclaims the wife, "what on earth is that bloke doing!...

In a British bar,

a discussion about arranged marriages took place as follows:

English gentleman: How could you marry a woman before knowing her?

Indian man: How could you marry a woman AFTER knowing her?

End of the discussion.

What is a British rockstar’s favorite meal?

Head bangers and mosh pit-tatoes

This 4th of July, the British should celebrate Independence Day too.

Now they feel like they dodged a bullet.

Are aliens from invasion movies actually British?

Because all they do is colonize

Why can’t the British pronounce there t’s correctly

Because the Americans dumped it all

What did the British mathematician say when he landed in Africa

That’s a tangent

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My british friend tried joining the ultimate frisbee team....

but he didn't get along with anyone cause he thought they were all tossers.

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A British fighter pilot was shot down over German occupied airspace during WWII and...

...was captured by the Nazis on the ground. He was beaten up pretty bad in the dogfight and parachute landing, and they had to amputate his leg, so he begged them "Please, if you have to take my leg, can you drop it over my base the next time you send a bombing mission?"
The Nazis figured there w...

My British friend got a job making hand sanitizer

He said it's Purell

most british joke from quora

Fred was a popular man, but sadly he passed away. His friends and widow gathered to remember him,

Fred’s best friend gets up and says to the widow, “May I just say a word?”

“Of course,” she says.

“Plethora,” he says and sits down.

“Thank you,” says the widow, “that means ...

Was just watching the Great British Baking Show

The entire series feels like an apology for sending us Gordon Ramsay.

What do you call a British Mexican?

A Limey Bean

Politicians in the US remind me of British teeth.

Some are sharp, most are white, and all are crooked.

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My British coworker

My British coworker is new to America, and he delights in telling me and my other coworkers about all things British. Today he was trying to explain Cockney rhyming slang - things like saying "have a butcher's" instead of "have a look", because "butcher's hook" rhymes with "look"; or "a cup of Ro...

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats

and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome"...

Apparently the British hated rows,

which was why they columnised so many places

The British anthropologist enjoyed rare tribesmen.

But after seeing his article published in the prestigious Journal of Anthropological Research, he kept the poor man on the coals a little longer, thinking, "Well done, old chap."

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A British explorer sets out for an expedition into Africa...

This is a time when Europeans know very, very little about the "cannibalistic African savages," and the African tribesmen know even less about the ways of the white man. So, our explorer comes to Africa, hoping to disperse the clouds of mist, and after having to resort to employing firearms a few ti...

Canada could have had it all: American industry, British Culture, and French Cuisine.

Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine

Don’t buy Ukrainian boxer shorts...

...Chernobyl fallout.





(*has to be read in a British accent*)

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The pickup line of Cecil the cavalier

Cecil is a young British aristocrat who loves horse-riding but is terribly shy.

On his daily trot around Hyde Park, he frequently sees a beautiful girl riding a jet-black Morgan horse but can’t pluck up the courage to approach her.

One evening he’s having a beer with his friend Charles...

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Did you hear about the new Nazi documents that have been uncovered?

They were conducting experiments involving mixing the DNA of electric eels, dogs, and captured British soldiers.

According to the plans they were quite eel-lab-brit.

Ps: sorry...

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Back when Pope John Paul II died, the Vatican College of Cardinals were faced with the responsibility of choosing a new pope for the Catholic Church...

... At first, they favored a British Cardinal by the name of Cardinal Nigel Mason.

Card. Mason had been a pilot in WWII, fighting Germany's Luftwaffe. He was decorated for his service, during which he shot down 12 Nazi fighter planes.

He himself was finally shot down and made a rough l...

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A French and British vampire walk into a bar

The French orders for a glass of champagne then mixes blood into it.

The British orders a cup of hot water, which makes the French surprised:

\- No tea?

\- Quite the contrary, my friend - The British replies - then pulls out a used tampon from his jacket

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TIL why Americans removed the letter U from the British spelling of words like humour and colour.

Because Fuck U, that's why.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do British people and statues have in common?

WE NEVER FUCKING MOVE

A Canadian, a Swiss, a German, a Mexican, a American, a Korean, a Austrian, a Brazilian, a Estonian, a Filipino, a British, a Egyptian, a Icelander, a Jamaican, a South African, a Puerto Rican, a Chinese, a Latvian, a Moroccan, a Taiwanese, a Spaniard, and a Romanian walk into a fancy restaurant.

The waiter stops them and says “Sorry, you can’t come in here without a Thai.”

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The British are very strange people.

They call pants ‘trousers’, shopping carts ‘trolleys’ and 6.7 raccoons in a human suit ‘Prince Phillip’.

Welcome to Australia!

A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"

"Pleasure," he replies.

"Anything to declare?"

"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie ...

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What British sporting event celebrates man boobs?

Isle of Man Titty

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had sex with two British girls last night

But I think one of them had been smoking weed beforehand.

I got two birds, with one stoned.

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Russian grandfather tells a war story to his grandson

Once me, a British and an American soldier were conducting a secret operation in Nazi Germany. We were caught, and the Nazis gave us an ultimatum: they will fuck us in the ass and then free or we will be hanged.
The British soldier immediately agreed, he was fucked and freed. American soldier tho...

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British websites use biscuits

>!French websites use croissants!<

What do you call a british person who worships the greek gods?

A Teathen.

A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him


"Do you have a criminal record?"


The British man replies


"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests ...

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What is a British insult to a pirate

Scallywanker

The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.

No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.

Your British momma is so fat...

people think she is an American.

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