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A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors

.

The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”

He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”

The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front o...

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
...

British Person: “I’m bri ish”

“I guess you drank the t”

A British Cop and an American Cop are talking in a bar

The British cop says "they might take away our tasers because they sometimes kill people"

The American Cop says "sometimes? seems inneficient"

A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question

"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?"

The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond.

She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the c...

What does a british musician live in?

Ab

A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him


"Do you have a criminal record?"


The British man replies


"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

British people be like: I'm bri ish

Hiding the T from Americans ever since Boston tea party

Did you hear the mobster tell the punchline of the joke about the famous British chef that was skewered, clean through, after falling onto more than one male Bighorn sheep?

"Gored on rams, see?"

My two British neighbours had their donkey escape from the barn, and are desperately looking for it.

They are assless chaps.

Canada could have had it all: American industry, British Culture, and French Cuisine.

Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine

What do you call a person who is half-british?

A brit....-ish.

A Britisher asks an Indian.

A Britisher asked and Indian

Why no politician in India has tested postive for corona?
while lot of politicians around the world even some of the prime minister's tested postive for corona?

Indian: The Politicians in India meet voters only once in 5 years and strictly follow "Social...

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TIL why Americans removed the letter U from the British spelling of words like humour and colour.

Because Fuck U, that's why.

Why do British people say, "I'm Bri ish"?

Because they love to drink the t.

Why do British people struggle with getting a good night’s sleep?

Because the sun never sets.

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My DNA tests came back. Turns out I'm mostly French and British.

No wonder I fucking hate myself.

An Aussie walks into a British pub...

An Aussie walks into a British pub, saunters up to the bar and orders two beers: one for him and one for his four-legged friend. As the barman places the beers on the counter he glances at the beast lying at the Aussie's feet. The barman raises one eyebrow and says "That is surely the ugliest dog I...

I heard the British government is really worried about the Corona Virus,

The Prime Minister can hardly breathe.

How can you tell British police from Australian police?

British police don't carry guns, but everything in Australia is trying to kill you.

Why did the British

Why did the British send the criminals to Australia and the Puritans to America?



Australia had first choice.

Why do British hate the Prime numbers?

Because they can't be divided

A british mum and her toddler visit her American friend

The mum and her friend were talking late at night when the toddler shouts from the bedroom "mum i have a bloody nose" the friend says "oh you should do something about that" the mum replies " oh no it's allright he's just learning his body parts".

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A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS...

They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out...

The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".

The BBC TV reporter asked that t...

What do you call a British Bee Smashing and Dashing?

A Honey Nut, Cheerio.

What do you call someone whos not fully british?

Brit...ish

What do you call a British girl who likes to keep track of things?

a Tally Hoe.

The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.

No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.

I love the British summer

It's my favourite day of the year.

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An Irish guy, A Scot and British dude walk into a pub...

They all sit down and each orders a pint. Just then 3 flies swoop down and land in each one of their beers.
The British gent, thoroughly disgusted turns his nose up and pushes the beer away.
The Scot picks up the fly, looks at it, shrugs and continues to take a swig.
The Irishman see the fl...

British English now has only 3 vowels: A I O

They officially left E U

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British Humour

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in p...

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A French, a British and an american naval engineer brag about their submarines.

All three of them are standing in a harbour, arguing.
The french engineer says:

"Ahh, le french submarine can stay submerged for five weeks and and we do not run out of croissants or red wine, they are magnefique!"

The Brit responds:

"Oh my dear chap, that is nothing. Her ...

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Thanks to Brexit, British prostitutes are now a great deal..

pound for pound

Old joke about heaven and hell

Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, and the auto mechanics are German.

Hell is where the police are German, the cooks are English, and the auto mechanics are French.

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An Elderly British Couple Takes a Trip to Australia

After seeing the beaches and tourist attractions they decided to rent a car to go and see the Outback. They ask the man at the rental car counter if it's a pleasant drive, and he assures them that it is beautiful and they'll have a lovely time.

After several hours the couple storm into the r...

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A man is sitting alone in an airport lounge when a beautiful woman sits at the table next to him.

He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

'To Fly. To Serve'....

What do British people do when there is a traffic jam at a roundabout?

They form a Q.

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

Apparently Brexit has also enabled the British to increase the space on their computers...

. Officials say that they’ve now got a free GB!

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A British sinner goes to hell

He arrives at the gates of hell and since He's the worst sinner of all time, The Devil comes to recieve him himself. The Devil then starts walking him into a huge building and tells him that sinners don't get to choose as to the kind of punishment they will recieve but the British guy being the wor...

Accent humour, mate!

It's the year 2022, WWIII has started. 1st world countries vs 2nd world countries and Middle East. Britain asks for reinforcement from Australia. The Australian regiment arrives and next morning starts preparing while the British Commander enters and starts increasing the army's morale:

Briti...

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An American, a British and a French woman were asked what they would do if they ended up on an island with five sex starved men.

The American woman answered, ‘I would try to find somewhere to hide. Then I would try to send some kind of a signal to a passing ship, so they could come and rescue me.’
The British woman answered, ‘I would find the strongest man, shack up with him and get him to protect me from the other four.’<...

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I am never trusting in British girl again

She told me she's 400 pounds
and when we met she was a skinny ass model.

Wtf is wrong with people these days.

What would be bbno$ name if he was british?

bbno£

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What do call a prostitute who prefers British pound as primary payment method?

A quid pro ho

American: You British people spell things weird.

Brit: no U.

I just found out about the second meaning of BBC....

Who cares about British television?

BRITISH PERSON DOING AMERICAN ACCENT: *does so perfectly*

#####AMERICAN PERSON DOING BRITISH ACCENT:
"Allo guvnah! Pishy poshy crumpet cheerie-o old bean!"

Why do they spell it "honour" and "favour" in the United Kingdom?

Because Rick Astley is British.

What do you have when you have 2000 British pounds?

A ton of money.

A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests ...

What do you call a British dinosaur?

A tea-rex!

Just kidding, calling the Queen that would be a bit disrespectful.

How much space will be freed when British leave the EU?

1GB

What do British women call their menstruation cycles?

A bloody mess



(messed up the first post)

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Penis study...

I haven't seen this one in +20 years so here goes..

PENIS STUDY

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000.00 The results of the study concluded that the reaso...

The oldest known British joke dates from the 10th century.

Found in a book of Anglo-Saxon poetry, it reads: "what hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before?

Answer: A key."

I hate it when British people talk about the big pile of trash in the ocean.

They shouldn’t talk about their country like that.

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A British surgeon was operating on a man who suddenly had a boner in the middle of the surgery. After the surgey, when the man woke up, he said to the Doctor.

"So, how'd the surgery go, Doc?" To which the Surgeon replied: "Everything went rather well, with just a small cock up midway."

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A British, a Irish, a American, and a Mexican are on the plane...

But their plane has too much weight, it needs to lose some stuff. The British says, "my country has lots of tea!" so throws the tea off the plane. The Irish says "my country has lots of potatoes" so throws the potatoes off the plane. The American throws the Mexican off the plane and says "this basta...

Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and

“OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front ...

Say “beer can” in a British accent.

No, wait, that’s “Bacon” in Jamaican.

Why do British people drive on the left?

Because they have no rights.

I heard a lot of British people had special Brexit Christmas dinners this year...

It's like regular Christmas dinner but without the brussels.

What do you call it when a British person takes a really good look at something?

A propaganda

After purchasing an oval Chinese frying pan at the diminutive British aristocrat’s yard sale

Nigel realized that he’d just taken a long wok off a short Peer.

Why are rich british people fat?

because they measure their wealth in pounds

Edit: Remember this is just a joke, don't be too offended.

Euro-English

As a part of Brexit negotiations, the European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will remain the official language of the European Union rather than German, which has been regarded by many as a better choice.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conced...

What did the British restaurant patron say to his waiter after he finished his meal?

checkmate



just thought of this joke cause i play a lot of chess. how can i work a chess or competition reference into the premise to add more value to the punchline?

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An Armless Man on the Beach

Three women see a man lying on the shore of a beach and decide to approach him. The man has no arms or legs. Feeling sorry for the poor man, the British woman of the bunch goes over to him. "Have you ever been hugged?" The British woman asks. "No." The man replies, sadly. So the British woman goes d...

So I won a grand prize at a local trivia game.

They went up to me and said, “Congrats! You’ve won
a 1 British dollar Sandwich that compresses 1/4 gallons worth of 25c coins!”

And I said, “So a 1 pound quart quarter pounder quarter pounder?”

A British man visits a small American family farm... [Long]

And he's impressed at just how much food the farmer is able to grow on his small plot. "This is most impressive!" he says. "It seems like more than one family could eat, old boy! How do you deal with the excess?"

The farmer, a man of few words, replies: "We eat what we can, and what we can't,...

What were the British man’s final words as he was about to be executed in China?

“Is it really THAT bloody hard to ask for tea and a mint square?”

Wife: Honey, I'm going on a business trip to London.

....What gift do you want?


.

.

.

.

.

.

Husband: A British girl would be nice.

Wife: Okay.

*Wife completes her trip and returns home.*

Husband: So did you bring me a British girl?

Wife: Yeah.

Husband: Where is she...

The British just aren't good at menstruation jokes.

Full stop.

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It just struck me that in British slang the US President's surname means "Fart" and in US slang the British prime minister's surname means "Penis"



I can't wait to tell the wife. She'll laugh her Merkel off.

What do British nuclear engineers eat?

Fission chips

What do you call a group of British gentlemen who have misplaced their donkey?

Assless Chaps



My coworker used to tell me this one.

Three men are stranded on an island

One is russian, one is german and one is british.

Suddenly a goldfish appears and says: "The water around this island is magical, if you jump in it and say where you wanna go you will be teleported there."

The russian jumps into the water and yells "MOSCOW!" and POOF he teleports to Mo...

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Bovine Economics

Basic Economics, brought up to date...



\*\*SOCIALISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



You give one to your neighbor.



The government charges a gift tax.







\*\*COMMUNISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



The...

The first condom was invented by arabs far back in history, it's said that they used the intestines from a goat. Yet it was circa. 1800 when the british civilization refined this method by...

First taking the intestines out of the goat.

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What do you call a british man who bleeds when he faps

A Bloody Wanker

An elderly British woman was found beaten to death on a bus in Detroit.

Reportedly, her last words were:
"Pardon me, do you know where I can buy some knickers?"

An American , a British and an Indian are travelling in a ship

The American, to surprise the other two , throws thousand dollars into water and says, "We have a lot of money in our country"

The British, enraged, throws his expensive limited edition watch into the water and says, "We have a lot of these in our country"

The Indian, confused, throws...

My son just had his first day at the British Museum, his first task was to guard a multi million pound glass vase...

Apparently he said he smashed it!

What do you call British Rock and Roll?

Stone and Scone

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Coronavirus alerts across the world

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when t...

What did Gandhi say to the British after they asked him to move?

Nah, mastay

What’s a redneck with a British accent called?

An Australian

While meeting a sick person..

American says : Get well soon

Britisher says : Wishing you speedy recovery

INDIAN..

Recently one of my relatives expired due to the same illness

TIL a team of British biologists discovered a group of primates living near a Buddhist monastery that meditate for up to 8 hours per day.

I’m not yet sure this is an aperopriate conclusion.

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

A British tabloid receives an order for a smear article about an activist...

After two weeks of digging, the assigned reporters go to the editor and shake their heads.


"It's impossible, boss," they say. "There's nothing about the bloke, not even gossip. He doesn't even have a parking ticket. In fact, he's pretty much a saint: the only time his name appears in poli...

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

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A classic British football joke

Four British football fans are stranded on an Island, and one of them dies. The three who remain decide to eat the body to survive. One of them says "well, I support Manchester united, so I'll have his chest." The second says "well, I support Liverpool, so I'll have his liver". The third Guy says "h...

Famous British horse racing broadcaster John McCririck has died aged 79.

His funeral is at 10/1.

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The Victoria's Secret Incident

I'm a detective and my day started off like every other. I woke up, took a shower, brushed my teeth, and ate a slice of toast and a single sunny side up egg that my wife made. As soon as I made my way into the precinct the sheriff, Chett Bradley, walked up to me. "There's been an incident at a Victo...

The UK tested switching to the dollar...

Many years ago, England was considering switching the Pound over to the dollar. As a test run to see how it would fare, they made a run of dollar coins that they distributed to the public.

Not wanting to get them confused with the one pound coins, they decided they would change the Queen's fa...

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