Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and

“OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front ...

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If you pronounce "fuck off" backwards.

you say it in a British accent.

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"Boy, British people sure pronounce 'aluminum' weirdly".

Said the American walking into his condominum to prepare for a date with his SO at the planetarum in this marvellous millenum.

An American , a British and an Indian are travelling in a ship

The American, to surprise the other two , throws thousand dollars into water and says, "We have a lot of money in our country"

The British, enraged, throws his expensive limited edition watch into the water and says, "We have a lot of these in our country"

The Indian, confused, throws...

What do you call British humor?

Humour.

In the darkest hours of World War II, a British Commando unit was waiting to go behind enemy lines into Norway

During the planning of the mission, it was decided that their rifles would need protective covers against the extreme cold of Norway. The contract to manufacture the covers was given to a pharmaceutical company that also manufactured condoms.

Before the Commandos deployed, Winston Churchill p...

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I just got my ass kicked by a British debt collector

Pound for pound, not very pleasant.

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A British Jew is waiting to be knighted.

He is to kneel before the Queen and recite a sentence in Latin as she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, in the excitement of the moment, he panics and forgets the Latin phrase. Thinking fast, he recites the only other foreign phrase that comes to mind, which comes from the Passover ...

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How do you pay a British prostitute?

In pounds.

A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests ...

Post Brexit, what will be the difference between a dollar and a British Pound?

A dollar.

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What's up with the British Broadcasting Corporation sponsoring so much interracial porn?

seriously wtf I just want to watch the news

How many British politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

They can't. They just keep passing 8 lightbullbs around until they either drop and break them all or the sun comes up.

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

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A squad of British soldiers is stuck on top of a house surrounded by Taliban.

(This does not belong to me, rather it is an excerpt from "The Junior Officers' Reading Club" by Patrick Hennessey)

Now I had it. Was in the middle of it and all I could see was Sherlock standing over me as time slowed with a deafening surprise of his latest burst in a picture of break...

A British doctor says...

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for...

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How do british pornstars get paid?

In pounds

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During World War 2, three generals were arguing over who had the best soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.


“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”


“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.


He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, to...

Why Americans don’t need to feel bad when they are criticized by the British

Sometimes I hear people from Great Britain talk about how bad the education is in The US. I do get a little offended, but then I realize they are just salty because we beat them in The Civil War.

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A British Officer at a Frontier Post

In 1869, a young British officer, prim and proper, arrives at his new garrison post in the northwest frontier of British India. His commander gives him a tour of the somewhat dilapidated fort, and of its surrounding local villages.
"You see", says the commanding officer, "it's mostly camels ...

Why are rich british people fat?

because they measure their wealth in pounds

Edit: Remember this is just a joke, don't be too offended.

A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...

"Look at their calm, their reserve," says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"

"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"

The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is pa...

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A new yorker, a british person, and a french person are on a safari...

when they are ambushed by a tribe in the area.
A tribeman says: "You have trespassed our sacred land and you must be killed. We will skin you and make a canoe when you choose how you want to die."
The French person asks for a bottle of poison.
The British person asks for a gun.
The new y...

A famous British boxer threw an object at me.

It turned out to be a mere can!

A British ship is on a collision course and this is the following transcription with an Irish:

Irish: We need you to divert your course 15 degrees to the west to avoid collision.

British: No, you need to move your ship 15 degrees to the west to avoid collision. We’re not moving.

Irish: Negative. We’re gonna need you to divert your course to avoid a collision. Now!

British...

What's the most British accident?

No-deal Brexit

The British Royals are having tea

Queen Elizabeth says "Philip, I think you should see a doctor. I fear you have a touch of dementia."

"ME? *You're* the one who thinks she's the bloody Queen of England!"

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A British woman was touring the United States, and decided to go to a baseball game

She didn't understand the rules, but figured she could learn them by watching everyone else.

In the first inning, a batter hit a grounder and started running to first base. The man seated next to the woman jumped to his feet and shouted, "Run, you sunnuvabitch, run!"

A couple of innin...

You know why the British never made a computer?

They couldn't find a way to make it leak oil

They say us british people like to join queues

We dont and i will be first in line to tell you that

If the British empire spoke queens English does that mean..

The Americans spoke rebels tongues.

Why were the British salty about losing America?

They got tea-bagged

What Syntax do British Programmers Always Use in Python?

\_\_init\_\_

What do you call a bunch of upper-class British gentlemen bereft of donkeys?

Assless Chaps.

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An American Priest and a British Man Walk into a Bar

The priest turns to the man and asks, “What do you do for a living?”

The man replies, “I’m a hooker.”

The priest fearing the worst asks, “What does that mean?”

The man replies, “Well father, I ruck big men, and play with balls.”

The priest replies, “So yo...

So this British couple adopt a German baby...

... and as it grows from a babe-in-arms, to a toddler, it never makes a sound.

As the child grows into a young boy, he stays silent and it gets to the point where his adopted parents are really worried.

As the boy gets older, he still never says a word.

Then one day, the family ...

What is a British weightlifter's favorite thing for lunch?

Jacked potatoes

Following yesterday's vote, the British PM officially changed her name

She now goes by the name of Theresa May Notbetheretomorrow

What does the British fox say?

Hot tea hot tea hot tea ho!

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3 British sailors come over to the New World

Soon after they scout the area, they get captured by a vicious group of native Americans. The native Americans circle around them with bows, and are about to fire when the sailors beg for mercy. The native Americans finally agree to let them free, as long as they can accomplish a simple task. They t...

A British, A German and an American military doctor were competing on who had done the greatest accomplishment during their careers.

The Brit said that he had replaced a blown off leg with a wooden one and the man had went on to become an acrobat.

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The German said that that was nothing and that he had replaced a blown off arm with a wooden one and the man had went on to become Germany's greatest drummer...

What did the Italian man say to the poor British man using the restroom?

European

A new deckhand on a British ship during the naval war against France (1779)

-Captain! They just raised a white flag! What does that mean?
-It means they're french. Fire at will.

In 1272, the Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

If the British shortbread company opened up a branch in Austin and then threw a huge party to celebrate...

...it would be a Walkers: Texas rager

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What do British Neo Nazis call their home?

Mein Gaff

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The difference between "guts" and "balls" according to the British military.

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal...

A British man takes a sip of his coffee.

And says, “This not my cup of tea.”

What do guys who don’t use condoms and the British government have in common

Both will promise to come out smooth and clean on paper and then cause a huge mess in practise

Why did the sun never set on the British Empire?

Even God didn't trust the English in the dark.

A British father is very happy that his son has been accepted into Eton, one of the finest boarding schools in England.

After the first week he visits his son and is dismayed to find he has a cut under his eye.

"What happened, son?"

"Some other kids, they beat me up for being Jewish!"

The father said it was an awful thing to do, but offered some advice. "Don't fight back, son, or you'll be expel...

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A traditional british man is in a pub with his american friend

The pub allows indoor smoking and he asked his tourist friend "Mind if I blow a fag?"


The american tourist responds, "I thought you'd never ask me."


The brit lights a cigarrete and the American says "I'll meet you in the washroom."


He waited there all night.

The British are the worst tourists.

Everywhere they go they take over the place.

What's a British caveman vampire slayer's favorite food?

Tea bone stake

What do you call a British soldier who lives in a bathroom?

A Lu - Tennant

My friends recommended the British Casino weight loss method

It really works. I've already lost fifty pounds.

Have you experienced British weather, tasted British cuisine and met British women?

And that's why they had so many colonies.

'A Tale of Two Cities' was originally serialized in two local papers in the British Midlands.

It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.

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I leave the door open when I use the toilet. My British housemate is sort of disgusted by this...

The other day, he was nearby, so I yelled out, “Hey Charles, what do you call a person from Europe?”

Disgusted, he said, “European!”

“No!” I said, “I’m a’poopin!”

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Australian Koala and a British Prostitute

A koala bear from Australia took a holiday in London to experience a different culture. After arriving at Heathrow and getting settled in at his hotel, the koala bear decided to take a walk.

After touring Soho for a few hours he noticed several women on the side of the street strutting...

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One British girl

Wife: I am going to London, what gift do you want?

Husband: One British girl


****Wife returns from London****


Husband: Where is my gift?

Wife: Wait for nine months...

A British couple are on a cruise ship. It sinks, and they're the only survivors left, managing to get on a boat

They can spot land not far off. They try as hard as they can to use the oars, but they won't budge.


The wife has an idea, she calls her husband useless and incompetent. The husband retorts and a huge argument begins.


The boat inches slowly towards land. The more they argue and ...

A British tourist visits Australia. The customs officer asks him “do you have any criminal history?”

The tourist replies, “I didn’t know that was still required!”

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Why do the British give terrible blow jobs?

The stiff upper lip.

What is a British person’s favorite movie?

The Empire Strikes Back

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There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.

The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was.

They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all...

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A British man moved abroad to live on a ranch in Australia

He had been over there for a few weeks on his own before he started to feel quite lonely. Peering out of his window he couldn't see a single soul for miles around, just a single dirt road creeping through the rolling landscape.

One day the telephone rang, he answered
"Hello?" he said sheep...

The British definitely put the "ugh"

...in draft beer.

Two of my British friends accidentally used the same Q-Tips

Now they're cotton buds.

A British man walks into a French bar...

He sits down, exasperated and says "Scotch".

The barman looks baffled for a second but nonetheless complies with the request.

The man then, equally as baffled, asks "Why did you give me sellotape?"

(This one is for my French Redditors).

I never realized British coins were so heavy

They can really add up to pounds.