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If you pronounce "fuck off" backwards.

you say it in a British accent.

The British just aren't good at menstruation jokes.

Full stop.

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So a British SAS squadron and an American Marine squadron are arguing together who are the bravest soldiers...

A British SAS squad and an American Marines squad are together in the middle of a city. The commanding officers of each group are discussing the merits of SAS vs Marines: these officers have reputations for being the strongest, toughest and most feared men in the whole of the armed forces. The Ameri...

Famous British horse racing broadcaster John McCririck has died aged 79.

His funeral is at 10/1.

Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and

“OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front ...

British Soldiers in WW2 are Looking for German Spies in London.

Near Downing Street they stop a beautiful tall blonde women, carrying a large Bottle labeled "D2O" and ask her:

"Terribly Sorry to bother you my Dear, but we are looking for German Spies. Have you seen any?"

The Womens expression changed displaying the tell tell signs of Terror and Fea...

Cheap British fat removing surgeries are great

You lose 50 pounds in two ways.

Why do the British build cars, but not computers?

They can't figure out how to get computers to leak oil.

A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests ...

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A classic British football joke

Four British football fans are stranded on an Island, and one of them dies. The three who remain decide to eat the body to survive. One of them says "well, I support Manchester united, so I'll have his chest." The second says "well, I support Liverpool, so I'll have his liver". The third Guy says "h...

A British tabloid receives an order for a smear article about an activist...

After two weeks of digging, the assigned reporters go to the editor and shake their heads.


"It's impossible, boss," they say. "There's nothing about the bloke, not even gossip. He doesn't even have a parking ticket. In fact, he's pretty much a saint: the only time his name appears in poli...

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An Irish swimmer, A British swimmer and an American swimmer were at the Olympics

The American asks

"What's your favourite stroke?
"Mines the butterfly"

The British swimmer says

"The backstroke"

The Irish swimmer says

"Margaret Thatcher's"

An American , a British and an Indian are travelling in a ship

The American, to surprise the other two , throws thousand dollars into water and says, "We have a lot of money in our country"

The British, enraged, throws his expensive limited edition watch into the water and says, "We have a lot of these in our country"

The Indian, confused, throws...

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What does a British person say when they stub their toe?

fUK

How to speak British 101.

*" For Folks Sake."*

Thats it.

What did the grumpy old British guy use to keep kids off his lawn?

Sod-off shotgun

British: We call it autumn which comes from the french word "autumpne" and later, the latin "autumnus"

American: WE CALL IT FALL BECAUSE LEAF FALL

Post Brexit, what will be the difference between a dollar and a British Pound?

A dollar.

What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?

Uzi?

I hate how my British friends make fun of Americans for losing an entire country to a bunch of rice farmers.

But then I tell them they lost an entire subcontinent to a guy who wouldn't eat.

What do you call British humor?

Humour.

My wife and I couldn't figure out the British term for a traffic circle.

We got the finally found the roundabout answer from researching about it in the library.

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A British Jew is waiting to be knighted.

He is to kneel before the Queen and recite a sentence in Latin as she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, in the excitement of the moment, he panics and forgets the Latin phrase. Thinking fast, he recites the only other foreign phrase that comes to mind, which comes from the Passover ...

Headline news say British Prime Minister Theresa May Resign...

She is so indecisive that she can’t even make up her mind about resignation.

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

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During World War 2, three generals were arguing over who had the best soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.


“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”


“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.


He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, to...

In the darkest hours of World War II, a British Commando unit was waiting to go behind enemy lines into Norway

During the planning of the mission, it was decided that their rifles would need protective covers against the extreme cold of Norway. The contract to manufacture the covers was given to a pharmaceutical company that also manufactured condoms.

Before the Commandos deployed, Winston Churchill p...

Why are rich british people fat?

because they measure their wealth in pounds

Edit: Remember this is just a joke, don't be too offended.

British Steel going into liquidation?

Isn't that just how it's made?

Why Americans don’t need to feel bad when they are criticized by the British

Sometimes I hear people from Great Britain talk about how bad the education is in The US. I do get a little offended, but then I realize they are just salty because we beat them in The Civil War.

A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...

"Look at their calm, their reserve," says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"

"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"

The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is pa...

A British doctor says...

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for...

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I just got my ass kicked by a British debt collector

Pound for pound, not very pleasant.

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What's up with the British Broadcasting Corporation sponsoring so much interracial porn?

seriously wtf I just want to watch the news

How many British politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

They can't. They just keep passing 8 lightbullbs around until they either drop and break them all or the sun comes up.

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A squad of British soldiers is stuck on top of a house surrounded by Taliban.

(This does not belong to me, rather it is an excerpt from "The Junior Officers' Reading Club" by Patrick Hennessey)

Now I had it. Was in the middle of it and all I could see was Sherlock standing over me as time slowed with a deafening surprise of his latest burst in a picture of break...

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A new yorker, a british person, and a french person are on a safari...

when they are ambushed by a tribe in the area.
A tribeman says: "You have trespassed our sacred land and you must be killed. We will skin you and make a canoe when you choose how you want to die."
The French person asks for a bottle of poison.
The British person asks for a gun.
The new y...

A British ship is on a collision course and this is the following transcription with an Irish:

Irish: We need you to divert your course 15 degrees to the west to avoid collision.

British: No, you need to move your ship 15 degrees to the west to avoid collision. We’re not moving.

Irish: Negative. We’re gonna need you to divert your course to avoid a collision. Now!

British...

They say us british people like to join queues

We dont and i will be first in line to tell you that

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A British Officer at a Frontier Post

In 1869, a young British officer, prim and proper, arrives at his new garrison post in the northwest frontier of British India. His commander gives him a tour of the somewhat dilapidated fort, and of its surrounding local villages.
"You see", says the commanding officer, "it's mostly camels ...

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A British woman was touring the United States, and decided to go to a baseball game

She didn't understand the rules, but figured she could learn them by watching everyone else.

In the first inning, a batter hit a grounder and started running to first base. The man seated next to the woman jumped to his feet and shouted, "Run, you sunnuvabitch, run!"

A couple of innin...

Why were the British salty about losing America?

They got tea-bagged

You know why the British never made a computer?

They couldn't find a way to make it leak oil

What's the most British accident?

No-deal Brexit

How do you tell if a British comedian's an atheist.

Listen to five minutes of his stand-up, he'll have mentioned it twelve times.

The British Royals are having tea

Queen Elizabeth says "Philip, I think you should see a doctor. I fear you have a touch of dementia."

"ME? *You're* the one who thinks she's the bloody Queen of England!"

A famous British boxer threw an object at me.

It turned out to be a mere can!

"Un, deux, trois, quatre", radioed the French ship...

...before it cinq.

"Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence.

"Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres.

"One," radioed the British ship before it went two.

"Won," radioed the American sub.

What Syntax do British Programmers Always Use in Python?

\_\_init\_\_

What do you call a bunch of upper-class British gentlemen bereft of donkeys?

Assless Chaps.

So this British couple adopt a German baby...

... and as it grows from a babe-in-arms, to a toddler, it never makes a sound.

As the child grows into a young boy, he stays silent and it gets to the point where his adopted parents are really worried.

As the boy gets older, he still never says a word.

Then one day, the family ...

If the British empire spoke queens English does that mean..

The Americans spoke rebels tongues.

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The difference between "guts" and "balls" according to the British military.

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal...

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An American Priest and a British Man Walk into a Bar

The priest turns to the man and asks, “What do you do for a living?”

The man replies, “I’m a hooker.”

The priest fearing the worst asks, “What does that mean?”

The man replies, “Well father, I ruck big men, and play with balls.”

The priest replies, “So yo...

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

In 1272, the Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

If the British shortbread company opened up a branch in Austin and then threw a huge party to celebrate...

...it would be a Walkers: Texas rager

What does the British fox say?

Hot tea hot tea hot tea ho!

What is a British weightlifter's favorite thing for lunch?

Jacked potatoes

Following yesterday's vote, the British PM officially changed her name

She now goes by the name of Theresa May Notbetheretomorrow

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3 British sailors come over to the New World

Soon after they scout the area, they get captured by a vicious group of native Americans. The native Americans circle around them with bows, and are about to fire when the sailors beg for mercy. The native Americans finally agree to let them free, as long as they can accomplish a simple task. They t...

What did the Italian man say to the poor British man using the restroom?

European

A British, A German and an American military doctor were competing on who had done the greatest accomplishment during their careers.

The Brit said that he had replaced a blown off leg with a wooden one and the man had went on to become an acrobat.



The German said that that was nothing and that he had replaced a blown off arm with a wooden one and the man had went on to become Germany's greatest drummer.

...

A British man takes a sip of his coffee.

And says, “This not my cup of tea.”

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One British girl

Wife: I am going to London, what gift do you want?

Husband: One British girl


****Wife returns from London****


Husband: Where is my gift?

Wife: Wait for nine months...

What's a British caveman vampire slayer's favorite food?

Tea bone stake

A new deckhand on a British ship during the naval war against France (1779)

-Captain! They just raised a white flag! What does that mean?
-It means they're french. Fire at will.

What do guys who don’t use condoms and the British government have in common

Both will promise to come out smooth and clean on paper and then cause a huge mess in practise

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What do British Neo Nazis call their home?

Mein Gaff

What do you call a British soldier who lives in a bathroom?

A Lu - Tennant

Why did the sun never set on the British Empire?

Even God didn't trust the English in the dark.

A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him : "Do you have any criminal record?"

he replied : "I didn't know this was still a requirement"

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