UPJOKE
englandscotlandbritainbritish peoplefrenchenglishirishscottishdutchnorthern irelandeuropeangermanswedisheuropefrance

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George Washington and his men are looking for a place to stay one night after a long fight against the British...

After marching through the woods for some hours, they find a farm. Washington knocks on the door and the farmer answers. Washington says "excuse me sir, I'm sorry to bother you. My men and I have been fighting the British all day, and are very tired. Can you put us up for the night?" The farmer look...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bloke goes into a British pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

..."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat."

She says, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors.

The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”

He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”

The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the adm...

An American man gets married to a British woman.

Before the big night, his father tells him "Tonight I want you to carry your wife in your arms to show her that the US is a strong nation. Then I want you to throw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation. And finally, I want you to take off your clothes to show her that the US is a ...

A French cat and a British cat had a swimming race

So a French cat and a British cat, by the names of "One two three Cat" and "Un deux trois Cat" had a swimming race across the channel to decide wether or not to call it the French channel or British channel. One two three Cat won. Why? Because Un deux trois Cat sank.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British soldier returns from war after 4 years against the Germans.

His faithful wife, longing for sex all these years, dresses up in her sheerest lingerie, hoping to entice her returning husband. She waits by the door as her husband enters and her lingerie gently slips off her body and she stands there naked. “Darling, look what the wind blew away”, she says seduct...

How do you know the toothbrush is a British invention?

If it was invented elsewhere, they'd call it a teethbrush.

What is something that feels british but isn’t?

The contents of the British Museum.

British teenager Emma Raducanu has just won $2.5m by winning the US open final

Sadly she needed 2 band-aids and a bandage for a cut on her leg in the last game, so she still owes about $25k

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
Americ...

How do you know when a British person is demonstrating great hospitality?

You visit their house and they don't offer you their food.

A British nobleman

named Raines married a Chinese woman. They had a baby that they named Wen. They argued about his middle name but finally settled on Everett. The son now works as the weather man, Wen Everett Raines.

What does a British person say when they see an American toilet?

It's a potty in the U.S.A.

Did you know that British serial killers can't die?

They're immoral, but with tea.

why can't the British people pronounce "T"?

They drank all of it.

Why do British people keep winning in chess

Because their queen can't die.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Dalmatian that’s British and rude?

A spotted dick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS...

They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out...

The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".

The BBC TV reporter asked that t...

Accordion to a scientific study released by the Department of Psychology at the University of British Columbia,

most people will not immediately notice if one of the words in a sentence has been replaced with a musical instrument until they've read more than three quarters of the way through it.

British people be like I'm Bri ish

It's because they drank the t

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Retiring from the British Army can be complicated. (Long)

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon...

What kind of instrument does a British person play?

A UK-lele

They say WW2 was won by American steel, British intelligence, and Russian blood

Who knew that WW3 would be won the same way?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft?

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more...

What do British people call a mountain they've forgotten the name of?

Summit

What’s the difference between Amrican and British humour?

The spelling (This joke is better said out loud) (Aw frick. That’s a heck of a typo)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Arab has a rendezvous with a British soldier, and they plan to trek across the desert to a secret military base.

"Come on my friend," says the Arab, "We must trek across the desert. The food here is the poorest in the world, so we must make haste. Would you like one of my camels?"


"No I don't want a camel." says the Brit. He starts walking.


Confused, the Arab knows it's a long trip to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On board an aircraft carrier there are 3 generals, one American, one Russian and one British...

Suddenly, just for bragging rights, the American general says

"American soldiers are the bravest. Look! Smith, jump into the sea, swim around the vessel and come back!".

Smith jumps in to the sea, swims around the aircraft carrier, and jumps back. The American general looks at the ot...

British people are like coconuts

Hard on the outside, but sweet once you crack us.

Also often found full of alcohol and holding an umbrella.

My father once asked me if I knew the difference between heaven and hell…

“In heaven” he said, “the Italians make the food and the British run the government”

He then paused and said, “In hell, the British make the food and the Italians run the government”

Why do British people pronounce the word “Bri’ish” like they do?

Because they drank all the T.

(Told to me by my 11yo)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

What do you call a fat British guy?

A full English.

Retired British Army Officers

“Say, old chap, did I ever tell you about the time I was attacked by a Bengal tiger?”


“I dare say I’ve not heard that one.”


“I decided one summer to try my hand at taking down one of the royal beasts. I hired a guide from the local village and armed with my rifle we set out...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new German coast guard officer was appointed during WWII

(This is an oldie that was an ad once upon a time.)

So, as he starts his new shift after a few brief instructions from his superior, he sits down when suddenly, over the radio, in a British accent, he hears

'Mayday! Mayday!'

'Mayday!'

'We're sinking!'

The German o...

What do you call a British kid that can't divide?

A DISGRACE TO HIS ANCESTORS.

A guy called British Airways before his flight from London to Paris: “Hi, I have a question. Can I fly to France using my drivers license?”

“No”, said the woman. “You need a plane”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens to a girl when she has anal sex with a British guy?

She gets colonised.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is alone in an airport lounge…

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.

Because her jacket is folded neatly beside her he can’t see any logos so he decides to have a go a...

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

Who is the heaviest member of the British royal family?

It's Diana, Princess of Whales.

why do british people love staring at fake news?

they want to take a propaganda

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One British nurse said to the other...

"You'll never guess who picked up the urine samples today. Gary Oldman, the actor!"

"Really?? Was he dressed like his character from Harry Potter?"

"No, he wasn't Sirius. He was just taking the piss."

What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display?

British

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy gets to prison, meets his new cell mate, this jacked motherfucker, British sitting at the edge of the bed.

Cell mate: (British Accent) Listen mate it’s going to happen, so let’s get this over and done with, would you like to do it with spit or without?

Guy: (Scared) What do you mean?

Cell mate: Would you like to do it with spit or without?

Guy: Well fuck, if I have to I guess I will...

What do you call a British man with no arms and a gun?

'armless.

British guy immigrates to USA

chatting with his girlfriend (now in distance), she asks him how he finds his new place

"not bad",he answers "but the neighborhood is missing u"

They say that British kids are kind

But German kids are kinder.

When I grew up in America, I was told that if I work real hard, someday I could be the next President of the United States.

I live in the UK now and noticed that the British aren’t as optimistic as Americans.

But as an optimist, I still tell my son that if he worked real hard, someday he could be the next Queen of England.

After a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude….

After a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

“Ladies and Gentleman, this is your Captain. Welcome to flight 293 non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight, so sit back, relax and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was talking to a British man who told me he bought a tiny car for his testicles

I asked him why he would do that?

He said "it drives me nuts!"

A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the gardens of Eden.

The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says "They look so calm, they must be British!" The Frenchmen responds "no no! They're naked, so beautiful, they must be French!" The Russian says "They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise? Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've read that excessive sex causes memory loss:

It was in the British Medical Journal in May last year, page 12, paragraph 3. A nice sunny day I was reading in the park ...

Old Finnish WW2 joke

Finnish general Adolf Ehrnrooth was visiting in England after the World War II.

British general asked him how many Russian troops were stationed in Finland.

"A few hundred thousand" answered Ehrnrooth.

"Where in Finland are they stationed?" The British general asked.

Eh...

A old British man is waiting to get in to the Hamburg airport and his fumbling to get his passport when the custom agent says” God sir have you ever been to Hamburg before”

The man says “yes it was the 40s it was dark we didn’t land”

My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

A man who had worked for British Rail in a small village for many years decided it was time to move up in the world... [long]

Walter had been a track-switcher on the railway line that ran past his tiny English village for most of his life. All day long he sat in his little hut and switched the points as trains approached.

One day he got it into his head that it was time to move up in the world, so he wrote to Britis...

Why the great pyramids are in Egypt?

Because they were to heavy too carry of to the British museum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen.

He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, whic...

Why don’t vampires suck on the British?

Because they taste like bloody hell

Why do British people pronounce it bri'ish?

Because the Tea fell in the harbor.

The Captain's red shirt

Bored of living in poverty in the late 1700's, Finn decides he wants a slice of the pie in the high stakes world of pirates. He knows pirates dock down in the bay by his village, so once he spots them, he manages to sneak aboard one of the ships. He eventually gets discovered, and rather than throw ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian, Frenchman and a British man are in a desert...

The three had been walking for a couple of days in blazing heat, they stumbled onto a ravine and begin to bathe in it.

The three men look up in horror to see see a group of tribals with spears pointing at them, the men are brought to the chief of the tribe.

The chief says "you trespass...

Chicken

BORROWED

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over taking a drink from a water stream

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead. The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis t...

Where did the 'T' in "British" go?

In the Boston Harbor

Scientists have conducted blood tests on a frog to extract DNA and confirm its identity.

They have discovered that the frog was:-
30% Russian
30% French
20% Italian
10% Spanish
5% British
4% Dutch
And a tad Pole...!

What shoes does a British apartment wear?

Flats!

A British man in a Jag is broke down on the side of the road

When the tow truck comes and the driver sees the Jag, he says "Hey you know why the British like warm beer?"

The Jag driver with a complete deadpan look says "I dunno. Why...?"

And the truck driver laughs and says "Because Lucas makes refrigerators too!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] My friend lives in a British town with a prominent cunt right in the middle of it ...

He's in Scunthorpe.

During WWII a badly injured British pilot has to bail out over occupied France.

He's found, in very bad shape, and transferred to the medical wing of a German prisoner of war camp. After a week, the doctors tell him that the infection in his left leg means they're going to have to amputate. "OK," says the airman. "Just, if you would, do me one favour. Drop the leg over my airba...

My wife told me she was going to London and asked if I wanted a gift.

I replied: I would like a British girl.

She returned a month later and I asked her where my gift was.

She told me to wait nine months.

A British man says "I've got a bloody nose!!!"

His friends reply "yeah, we all do".

Bonus

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the...

My British friend told me he lost 50 pounds.

He seemed really upset when I congratulated him.

Why is British comedy better than American comedy?

Because Americans leave u out of the humour

British woman in New York pummels a teenager into submission and is congratulated by Royalty

But enough about Ghislaine Maxwell, let us celebrate Emma Raducanu's achievments instead.

An American is lecturing a British person,

saying things like “it’s an elevator not a lift” and “it’s chips not crisps” etc. After a while of this the British person calmly retorted “they’re schools, not shooting ranges”.

A British man was talking to his friend about his views on Brexit...

"These bloody immigrants come over here. They're up to no good, right? I hate these bloody immigrants. They need to go back to where they came from."


His friend replies with "But why do you hate them so much?"


The British man replies, "I'll tell you why I hate them, I'll te...

The British Flat Earth society opened a branch in the US

It is called Apartment Earth Society.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what's a British vampire's favorite sexual position?

Cunnilingus full stop.

Why are the British hated?

They've an entire land of ire against them!

So Jack Osborne sees 2 heavy set women talking.

He can hear they have a thick British accent. He walks over and asks politely are you 2 ladies from England. 1 of the women snapped at him and said it's Wales you idiot. Jack snaps back and says oh I'm sorry are you 2 whales from England?

Here is a British joke about Americans crossing the road:

The idea of jaywalking makes me cross.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cows and ideologies (long)

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots...

Wonderfully British…

In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm ...

A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question

"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?"

The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond.

She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British man, a Japanese man and an American man are kidnapped by cannibals...

The chief says to them: "First, you die. Then, we eat you. Then we make your skin into canoe. But you may choose how you die."


The British man says: "Gun."


The cannibals give him a gun that they took from a previous captive. The british man shouts "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!" and ...

Canada could have had it all: American industry, British Culture, and French Cuisine.

Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little ...

British people like to make fun of Americans for not using the metric system.

But I’ve never heard of a single British person walking into a pub and ordering a half liter…

What's the difference between British English and Australian English?

British English: bloody hell!


Australian English: ¡llǝɥ ʎpoolq

British Joke

I remember waking up one morning, and my wife asked me, "Honey, give me the lipstick." I accidentally gave her a glue-stick! She hasn't talked to me since...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call British men without butts?

Assless chaps.

Did you know that Brian May, the guitarist from British rockband Queen, has a PhD on Astrophysics?

Yeah, he started his schooling before Queen formed, and achieved his PhD in 2007. One of his dissertations is heavily criticized by the science community though, and it's because he has an odd theory of what causes the Earth's rotation.

You see, he thinks that 'Fat Bottomed Girls make the Roc...

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian view a painting.

Just noticed it was my cakeday from a previous post. Decided to come here and share my father's favorite joke.


A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must...

What's a British vampires favorite letter?

Bloody L

If Americans spoke American, what would the British speak?

Bri’ish

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious.
"How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartende...

why don’t british people walk?

because they don’t use feet.

Making fun of that British actor Cumberbatch's name is legally required to carry on.

There's Ben an Edict.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a constipated British detective from the 19th century?

No shit Sherlock

Why do the British say they're bri-ish?

Because they drank the all the T

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British man and an Australian man are walking thru London

They see a sign that reads 'one man, one vote'
The Australian says 'I don't understand'
The British guy says 'one man, one vote'
Australian 'yeah, I don't understand'
British guy 'one man has one vote'
Australian 'I don't get it'
British 'one fucking man, one fucking vote'
Austr...

A british person plays chess with an american,

The british person always wins. Why?


Their queen never dies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between an American prostitute and a British prostitute?

You can have sex with 200 pounds.

Over 100 Coronavirus cases have been reported on the British Navy's flagship HMS Queen Elizabeth.

Other ships in the fleet have been told to keep their distance as it's a carrier.

British man: If you like vodka and tomato juice so much...

then why don’t you bloody mary it!

What do you call a British bank robber?

A quid-napper

You usually don't get British Breakfast in Thailand..

but you will ocassionaly find two eggs and a sausage in places, where you were not even hoping for it.

British English has only three vowels : A, I , O.

They have left E.U.

A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests ...

Piece of British humour for you.

A woman goes to the funeral home to visit her late husband whose funeral is the next day.

Upon seeing the body, she says to the funeral director, “Oh, no, you've dressed him in a blue suit! He hated blue and I've given all his other suits to charity!”

The funeral director says, “I'm no...

Why don’t British people cry at funerals?

They are used to Casual Teas

Why are British people always depressed?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is France!


(Also works with New York - New Jersey)

Geoffrey, a middle aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.