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The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured.

His Captain yells, "Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?"

"Well Captain", he says, wiping blood from his face, "I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, ...

Two Americans were backpacking in Europe

...when a car pulled up next to them. The driver rolled down his window and asked in german:” Where is the nearest petrol diner?”

The two Americans, not knowing a fraction of German, stared blankly at the driver. “Sorry, but we have no idea what you are saying.”

The driver tried again ...

What do you call Bigfoot in Europe?

Big Meter.

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There have been troubling developments with Europe’s terror threat levels, recently:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1...

I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

How can you tell if a church in Europe has no money?

It’s Baroque

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A middle-aged lady was in Europe when she learned that her 100-year-old grand father had died. She was unable to get an immediate flight so; the funeral was over when she reached home. She immediately went to console her 98-year-old grandmother. She asked, “What happened granny?"

Granny said, "It was sunday morning and we were having sex as we did every sunday when the church bells started to ring. Poppa was great at keeping rhythm with the slow toll of the church bells, you know, ding in and dong out. I think he might have avoided that fatal heart attach if that frigging ic...

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Picture the scene, it is 1915 and the Great War is raging in Europe.

The war brought forward many brave fighting units and among those there were none so brave as the aviators of the French Flying Corps. Every weekend these modern day gladiators would fly to Paris and install themselves in the Grand Hotel. The locals, particularly the young ladies, would be desperate...

So Europe have the euro....

Why don't Africa have the afro.

I went on a limbo tour around Europe

My best performance was in Norway.
There I went Oslo as I could go.

Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

My last trip to Europe reminded me how bad I was at chess

I was beaten by a Czech mate

What do you call a skeleton who conquers Europe?

Napoleon Bonyparts.

In Medieval Europe, there once was a triangular lake.

This triangular lake was quite large; so large, in fact, that three separate kingdoms were built on each side of this lake. These kingdoms were very different one from another.
The first kingdom was the richest - smooth stone walls built like a fortress, lavish houses for all, and a generous king...

Four friends are touring Europe...

One is English, one is French, one is Spanish, and the last one is from Germany. In Paris, they see a group gathered around a street performer. After several minutes of trying to see with no avail, he notices them trying to see him and stands on a box and shouts to the four friends, "Can you gents i...

What if we strap tiny C4 to rats and send them over to Europe...

it would start an all new Boombonic plague.

Where does Justin Timberlake like to visit when he's in Europe?

The Crimea River.

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A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

An American man was on business in Europe...

When he gets a call from his wifes lawyer saying she has found another man and wants a divorce. Upset, the man gets the earliest flight home which unfortunately crashes on a deserted island. While on the island the man sees a bottle sticking out of the sand. He picks it up, wipes it off and of co...

What nationality are you when you are in the bathroom?

European

What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe?

... Kilometre Cyrus

Have you ever noticed that nearly every map of Europe...

...forgets the "L" in Australia?

"Mommy, mommy, I don't want to go to Europe!"

"Shut up and keep swimming."

I once knew a bunch of these. How many do you know?

Another one: "Mommy, mommy, I hate my sister's guts!" "Shut up and keep eating."

A son of a wealthy arab prince goes to college in europe

After a few months he gets a letter from his father asking how he is, and how's college life, etc.

And he replies to his father: "oh, everything is fine here, but it is really strange, most people here come to college by train and bus, and I'm the only one driving a golden Ferrari every day t...

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While one a flight to Europe, a stewardess discreetly asked Trump if he wanted a blowjob.

He replied: What’s in it for me?

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Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral.

"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said.

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man wal...

What's Justin Timberlakes favorite part of Eastern Europe?

The Crimea River.

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and says she's going to Europe for 2 weeks, and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank clerk says they'll need some kind of collateral, and she hands them the keys to a brand-new Rolls-Royce parked in front of the bank.

The bank's president and others enjoy a good laugh at the woman for using a $250,000 Rolls-Royce as collateral for a $5,000 loan. A bank employee then ...

Did you know that the capital of Ireland had the maximum growth of Europe?

It's Dublin every year

An international conference was being held..

In which USA, North Korea, Europe and Africa were taking part.

The judge said,"I would like to hear your opinions about shortage of food in the rest of the world, if you have any questions, please feel free to ask us".

African president asked, "What is food?".

Europe asked, "Wha...

A man tried smuggling sausage and vodka out of Europe and his suitcase caught fire and they had to evacuate the plane.

The whole event was pretty terrible.

It was the Absolut-wurst-case scenario.

Best Women in Europe

An Englishman, A Frenchman and a Russian are debating who has the best women.

The Englishman says, "English women are the best. When they sit on a horse their feet can touch the ground. It's not because our horses are short, but because English women have the longest legs in all of Europe!"...

Boat trip to Europe

A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you'v...

Three women - two from Eastern Europe, and one from America - walk into a bar.

The three of them all sit at the bar.

Suddenly, one of the women, originally from Czechoslovakia, starts ranting about her ex.

"I'm just so fed up!" she cries. "Twenty years ago, my husband left me, and I still can't get over how he used me just for my looks!"

The American wo...

Knock Knock

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Europe.
Europe who?
No, You're a poo!

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Statistics in Europe

In Europe, every manifestation of gay pride counted, on average, 100,000 people.

Each manifestation Against Corruption had on average about 2,500 people.

Statistically, it's proved that there are more people fighting for the right to fuck an ass, than to fight not to be fucked in the a...

Why is Europe like a frying pan??

They both have Greece at the bottom!!

Why don't they listen to Miles Davis in Europe?

Because they listen to Kilometres Davis instead.

Message from Europe

European: If your house is burning, should firefighters help you?
American: Yes of course. That is logical. And im willing to pay tax for it.
European: If you get robbed, should the police help you?
American: Yes of course. That is logical. And im willing to pay tax for it.
Europ...

Just found out that Norway has the highest cost of living in Europe...

There's Norway I could A-Fjord to live there.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A college student is going to Europe for spring break

He asks his grandfather for some advice, which he happily provides.

"Kid, you gotta go over there and really get rowdy. Fuck any girl you meet, beat the shit out of anyone that gives you the side eye, get your buddies and really tear the town up. You're only young once, and those bastards don...

A moment of silence in Europe

because they think today is the anniversary of 9/11

What's the difference between America and Europe?

In America, we call our inbred hillbillies.

In Europe, they call them royals.

Josh in Europe.

A guy shows his painting of a couple making love to a friend.

A friend than asks:

"What is it called."

Artist replies:

"Josh in Europe."

A friend asks again:

"Who is this woman on the painting."

Artist answers:

"That is Joshes wife."

Fri...

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What do you call a cousin-fucker in the U.S?

A redneck.

What do you call a cousin-fucker in Europe?

Your Majesty.

Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv, reading.

One has got a quality newspaper, the other an antisemitic rag. "Why on earth are you reading that?" one asks. "I used to read a quality paper like you," the other sighs, "but I couldn't handle it any more – the rockets from Gaza and Hezbollah getting stronger every day and the Iranian nuclear progra...

Rich sheik's son studies abroad

The rich sheik's son is sent to Europe to study. After a month, he writes an e-mail to his father:

"Father,
I'm doing great here. My classmates are nice, the professors are great and the courses are well-structured and organized. There's one small thing though - I feel kind of embarrassed ...

Europe be like...

eu: uk bro?

uk: it's not eu, it's me.

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his fath...

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Mother Superior and a young nun are driving across Europe...

The young nun is driving. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!!" shouts the young nun, "What shall I do?"

"Turn the windscreen wipers on, that will g...

Why did Africa pull a prank on Europe?

He thought he was GHANA get away with it. KENYA blame him? He's BENIN worse situations before. OMAN, I gotta stop. I can't BELIZE i'm saying these words right now. There's NORWAY anybody is gonna find this funny. Nothing ISRAEL to me anymore. How much do you want TIBET this will get downvoted to obl...

An Indian scientist was collaborating with an American called Robert

Both of them being genetic researchers, they had reached a breakthrough in rice where a gene introduced would help it grow in the most adverse of conditions. They called it Victory gene, or V gene for short.

But Robert decided to steal the credit for himself, so he stole the v gene, and escap...

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The French fencer

There once was a famous French fencer. He learned how to fence at a young age and honed his skills over time, his prowess with the foil unmatched in all of France. After defeating all French contenders, he moved on to defeat fencers in nearby countries, eventually becoming the best in Europe. As his...

Which part of Europe took in the most refugees?

The Mediterranean sea

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Last summer, I traveled to europe for a 2 week vacation..

On the last night, I decided to go to a club for some action. As I approached the entrance, there was nothing more amazing i'd seen in those last 2 weeks than the bouncer. He was buffed up at least 4 inches taller than me, had long hair, a braided beard, hell he looked like a viking. Surprisingly, h...

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"Hey girl are you from Europe?"

"cause europiece of shit"

After Quasimodo died, Notre Dame Cathedral needed a replacement bell ringer, and after several fruitless months a strange little man approaches one of the priests...

"I'd like the bell ringer job if it's still available." says the man. Confused, the priest says "Of course, but I'm afraid there might be some confusion. I can't help but notice that you don't have any arms, so ringing the bells would be quite impossible." The little man smiles and says "I come from...

How much free space does Europe have ?

1 GB.

I’m proud of this joke, please don’t judge my work too harshly.

There once was a man named Ish. He was a curious guy, always trying to find out new things. He decided to take a trip all around Europe.

He went to France, Germany, Belgium, Portugal, and eventually ended up smack dab in the middle of Spain. He, being the curious guy that he was, immediately...

"Travel Bags?" "Check" "Snacks?" "Check" "Going to a place in Europe?"

"Czech"

A couple who's been married for 25 years are discussing their anniversary plans

Wife: what do you plan to give me on our silver wedding anniversary?

Husband: Surprise! I'm taking you to Europe!

Wife: Wow! How are you going to top that on our golden anniversary?

Husband: Well, I suppose I'll pick you up!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican

When the Pope answers the door, Dopey steps forward and nervously asks "Your Excellency, I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

"No Dopey, I don't think there are," the Pope replies.

The other six dwarfs start to giggle.

"Well, are there any dwarf nu...

A couple was traveling across Europe but had to stop abruptly at Finland's borders. Why?

Because it was the Finnish line.

I once met a Redditor in Europe.

His username Czechs out.

"Daddy i don't want to go to europe"

"Shut up and swim"

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A man backpacking in Europe...

Comes across a small village with no modern technology. It's starting to get dark so he asks a villager if he can stay the night. The villager agrees.

As the night goes on, the man gets bored and asks the villager if there is any way he can have a good time. *Wink wink*

The villager sa...

How did Europe feel after switching to the metric system?

Defeeted

What happened when the bankrupt eastern european jumped off a building?

The Czech bounced.

Why did Europe start the first World War?

They did't like being sans-Ferdinand.

Say what you will about terrorism in Europe

At least our planes take off and land at an airport.

A Texas man is on vacation in Europe..

As he walks along with a tour guide, they come across some graffiti where someone has spray painted 'Yankee go home!"

The tour guide flustered and a bit embarrassed, said 'sorry you had to see that'

The Texan said 'don't worry, where I'm from we don't like them either'

The UN decided to do a worldwide survey...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western E...

I was walking through a graveyard in Europe...

When I heard some strange music coming from one of the graves. Turns out, it was coming from Beethoven's grave. I took out my phone and recorded it, then took it to a friend of mine to identify.

"This is really strange...", he said. "This sounds like one of Beethoven's Symphonies, but it's ba...

How did the Mongols get to Europe?

Steppe by steppe.

Whole world is ours

It was the year 2152, exactly 100 years after Obama has died. On that special anniversary he walked straight to god and asked him if he could get on earth for one day, to see how the USA has evolved since. God allowed that and sent him in New York.

In NY Obama went in a cafe and ordered some...

What does an editor do in Eastern Europe?

They Czech for errors.

An American biker decides to travel the world

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Har...

I was traveling in europe

Went to Austria with a tour group and stopped at a famous cemetery, we could all here a strange sound, after afew minutes I asked the tour guide 'what's that noise?' He looked me without missing a beat and said "don't worry its just Beethoven de-composing"

Usain Bolt wins a race in Europe [x-post from /r/meanjokes because it's not very offensive]

and goes out after to celebrate.

But he is refused service at the first pub he goes to. The barman shakes his head and says, "Sorry, we do not serve your type here."

Bolt is not happy to hear this and orders his drink again. But the barman refuses to serve him, "Sorry, there`s a place ...

A long time ago, a father, visiting America from Europe for...

...the very first time, went up and down the aisles with his son-in-law at the local store.

He constantly asked questions about products he saw: "Vas diss? Powdered orange juice?"

"Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh 'orange juice.'"

A few minutes later, in...

Why is eastern europe filled with strippers?

Because they like Poles.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

TIL Nickleback, tired and at their last show across Europe (in Portugal), had roadies throw things at them from within the audience during the show. The lead singer used it as an excuse to walk off stage, thus getting them out of having to perform.

Just kidding. It was their fans throwing shit at them because everyone hates Nickleback even their fans.