People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

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Two german tourists come to spain for holiday. One day they get to know two really hot...

... spanish girls at the beach and after some sweet-talk the girls invite them to a party in the evening the same day.

The guys rush to the next pharmacy to buy some condoms but they don't know a single word in spanish so one of the germans improvises: he puts 5€ on the counter and slams his ...

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

I've always pondered about the spelling of "and" in Spanish.

Like... Just y?

While on vacation in Spain with my wife..

I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed.

It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart atta...

The spanish word for "pool" is "piscina"...

thats because you piscina pool

Do you speak Spanish?

A) No
B) A litlle
C) Señor

A spanish photon walks into a bar

The bartender says "What'll it be?"

The photon says "Una cerveza por favor."

A few minute later the bartender comes back and the beer is finished so he says "Hey buddy, want another?"

The photon replies "No mas."

What is the difference between my Spanish and an anti-vax kid?

I can at least make it to 10.

What do you call a Spanish child molester?

A Pedrophile

How does a sheep say marry christmas in Spanish?

Fleece Navidad

I thought I was hired as a manager in a Spanish company. But then they called me and asked me for an interview.

I wasn’t quite expecting the Spanish Inc. Quiz Session

How many Spanish cats does it take to make up a horse?

Catorce

Who was the smartest of all the Spanish conquistadors?

Cerebral Cortez

How long would it take Keanu Reeves to learn Spanish?

Juan Wick

Spanish is a tough language

it takes so much time and effort to say even a simple word such as "goal".

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, ...

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What do you call a Spanish person who masturbates

A cumquistador

What does a Spanish cow say after eating grass?

Grassias

What do you call a Spanish abortion?

Adios embrios

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled i...

A Spanish man saw a snake and was very frightened.

_Hiss._

Panic!

How do you say "let's go eat ham" in Spanish?

Jamon

A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests ...

A Spanish woman was married to an Arabic man when they discovered they were going to have identical twin boys.

After much discussion, it was decided that one should be named after his paternal grandfather Amal and the other after his maternal grandfather Juan. 

Years go by ...

The boys and their mom are at the grocery store one day when the boys were about 6 yrs old. As the mom was looking at c...

So my friend asked me "Do you know any words in Spanish?"

I replied "Uno. That's one!"

What do you call a Spanish footballer with no legs?

Gracias.

How does Milk introduce its self in Spanish?

Soy Milk

(True story, for what it’s worth) My neighbour has a new Spanish teacher at school, his name is Mr Armada.

“Like the Spanish Armada?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said and I shook my head in disbelief.

“Well,” I sighed. “At least he isn’t called Mr Inquisition. Nobody would have expected that.”

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I'm thinking of creating a Japanese-Spanish fusion cat cafe.

I'd call it Arigato.

My favorite words in Spanish are "el mundo."

They mean the world to me.

What did the Spanish guy say when he saw original content?

Oh si

Whenever I'm asked "What happened in 1492?", people are always surprised by my answer.

Nobody expects "The Spanish Inquisition".

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[long] John McClane and Hans Gruber sat next to each other in Spanish class as kids at Nakatomi Plaza Junior High School...

One day the *Profesora* said, "we're going to have a vocab quiz, but we're going to do it as a game, make a competition out of it. I'm going to say a word in English, and you and the person sitting next to you compete to see who can give me the Spanish equivalent faster." She turned to the first pai...

My uncle got a severe allergic reaction while staying in a remotely located hotel near Barcelona...

he would have died certainly as there were no hospitals close by. Suddenly we heard someone knocking on the hotel's door. Miraculously it was the hotel's in-house doctor.

We were quite amused by how the doctor showed up at the exact time he was needed.

Nobody expected the Spanish...

I am really good friends with this one Spanish guy

because his panic is my panic

Did you hear about the Spanish speaking magician?

He said “for my next trick, I will disappear on the count of three. Uno, dos -” but then he vanished without a tres.

What do redditors and early spanish explorers have in common?

They both want gold.

I know Spanish

A: So You are learning Spanish?

B: Sí !

A: So how much words do You know?

B: Dos!

A: Just two?

B: Sí !

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There is a store in Spain that sells exquisite handmade writing instruments.

This store has all kinds of bespoke fountain pens and rollerball pens and even ball point pens. There are pens made of fine hard woods and precious metals inlaid with all kinds of gems. These pens are all handmade by artisans who have been in the business for generations.

But what really sets...

What do you get if you sit in a Spanish field?

A grassy-ass

What do you call a handicapped Spanish demon?

El Disablo

What do young male Spanish cows call each other?

Moo-chachos

Where do spanish fish live?

In the sí

I met up with an old Spanish friend of mine who always agreed with me

“Long time no sí”

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A Spanish maid begins to argue with her employer's wife to give her a raise

"Why should I give you more money?" The wife asks bitterly

The maid answers, " Well the way I see it, I have three good reasons. First, I clean better than you."

This made the wife a bit mad.

"Is that so? Who says?"

The maid smiles. "Your husband, miss."

Upset, ...

Landlord: That Spanish actor out of Skyfall was kicking off in my pub the other night.

Customer: Javier Bardem?

Landlord: No, but he IS on his final warning.

I've been trying to learn Spanish to impress my Latino friends

They call me a Duogringo

Have you met my Spanish killer whale?

Mallorca?

A Spanish magician was about to attempt a vanishing act...

"On the count of 3, I will have vanished from the stage!"

"Uno!"

"Dos!"

\*Poof\*



He disappeared without a tres!

What do you call a tiny spanish pepper?

A jalapequeño.

What's a spanish bow called?

An elbow

Two friends named Monty and Jason went to a movie theater. Monty went ahead to grab the tickets leaving Jason waiting behind.

While queuing for the tickets, Monty chats up the gentleman in front of him, "Hey, I'm Monty," he says. The gentleman amicably replies, "Hola, soy Santiago."

Hearing the man's response, Monty immediately runs away and returns alarmed to his friend, shouting, "There's a Spanish in queue Jason"...

How do you say "Insanity defense" in Spanish?

Locomotive.

The Spanish assassin

There was once a hitman who was known for his skill and stealth. Nobody really knew his identity, except for the fact that he always used to count to three before shooting his victim.

One time, a mob leader wanted a hit on a rival leader, so he hired him. He said "I want the kill to be clean,...

If James Bond was Spanish.

My name is Bond.
James Diego Jose Fransisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno Maria del los Remedios omg Bond..

After feeling like he's being followed by a flock of ducks for years, a spanish man finally decides to lose them by jumping in front of a train...

I guess you could say it was quite a loco motive.

What did the Spanish fireman call his 2 kids?

JosA and JosB

Whats the diffrence between LA girls and people with a spanish accent

One rolls their r's and the other rolls their i's

I once took a Spanish class with someone who wanted to start a bilingual train company.

Talk about a real loco motive.

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A Spanish man went to a restaurant right next to a bull fighting arena.

He always ordered the same thing after a bull fight, 2 bull testicles cooked to perfection.
The man did this every week for months and was always satisfied with the taste and the size of the bull testicles until one week he was disappointed with the size of the testicles.
Confused, he decide...

What do Spanish speakers say when they find someone illegally crossing their land?

This is bad. Alexa play trespassito.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A English man goes for dinner in a Spanish city

As he's sitting browsing the menu, he notices a man across from him recieves his meal, a large seared juicy looking ball of meat. The man asks the Maître d "What is that man eating" the waiter replies "That is the victory special, a rosted and broilled bull testicle from the weekly bull fight, unfor...

What happened to the Spanish man who slid down a hill?

He got a grassy ass.

When under pressure, just start counting in spanish

It undo stres

A german women and a Spanish guy get married and move to Spain...

Though she didn't know Spanish, ~~witch~~ which proved to be a problem. Each time she went to the grocery store to buy chicken's breast, she would have to point towards her own chest so the vender could understand what she wanted to buy. Things went on like this, until one day, when she wanted to bu...

What does a Spanish-speaking guitar say when it’s given instructions?

C Major

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tourist walks into a Spanish restaurant

A tourist walks into a Spanish restaurant. While he’s waiting for his waiter, he sees a man in another booth eating a plate of 2, giant meatballs. He asks the waiter

“I’ll have what he’s having”

The waiter replies

“I’m sorry señor but those are the testicles of the bull that was...

A Spanish physician renowned for his ability to cure anybody and everybody falls ill.

“It’s unfortunate, but I don’t think he’ll make it” says one of his patients, that was cured from an untreatable disease.

Everyone agrees, and proceeds to tell stories about how he was able to do anything.

“He cured me of my back pain” a woman says.

“...and he saved my son after...

Here, have a joke in spanish

“sabe inglés?"

"si"

"como se dice 'un zapato' en inglés?"

"a shoe"

"salud"

"gracias”

Almost got fired today for filling out a requisition form in Spanish.

No one expected it.

How do you know if a car is Spanish?

The gearbox is "Manuel".

What do you call a greco-spanish chicken god?

Apollo.

What happened to the Spanish pirate that said yes too much?

He got sí-sick.

Why is the Spanish Army so good at flanking maneuvers?

NO ONE EXPECTS A SPANIARD IN POSITION!

"Un, deux, trois, quatre", radioed the French ship...

...before it cinq.

"Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence.

"Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres.

"One," radioed the British ship before it went two.

"Won," radioed the American sub.

So i was watching an anime last night and all the captions were in spanish

oops wrong sub

Can you teach me some Spanish?

Steve- Can you teach me some Spanish

Jose- no

Steve- please

Jose- no

Steve- pretty please

Jose- no means no

Steve- Thanks man!

A Spanish Language Class.

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

In...

I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.

Nobody expects the Spanish in position.

I asked my Spanish teacher what "no se" meant in English..

..he said he didn't know.

A young Spanish boy walked home feeling disheartened

After getting turned down for a job at the local bakery, he realized his dream just wouldn’t pan out

What do you call a 60 year old Spanish man?

A señor citizen

What do you call a Spanish guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto

My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain

He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.

Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician

People in Colorado keep saying minorities don't belong, but if they learned a little Spanish

They would see their state means colored.

I failed my Spanish exam today.

Sacre bleu!

My kids wanted to know some spanish

They ask me "how do you say "Oh my God" in Spanish, Dad?"

I say, "Aye Dios mio, but we should not take the Lord's name in vain. Say "Oh my gosh"".

They say, "how do you say THAT in Spanish?"

I said, as I realized the Dad joke I had stumbled on, "Aye Diosh mio..."

Why is a bad Spanish swamp kind of sweet?

Because it's a marsh malo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

American, French, Italian and Russian male, with Spanish female are on a yacht for travel around the world...

After a while, the men gathered to decide and find out who will be courting the Spanish lady.

The American said:

-I will do it, I am the richest, and you know that who pays, he gets the goods!

The Frenchman:

-No, I'll be courting her, as a Frenchman, we are the most lovin...

My company got bought out by a Madrid based firm today. Everyone seemed surprised.

Nobody expects the Spanish Acquisition

Why did the Spanish Mage never cast a spell?

Because his MPnada

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