UPJOKE
portuguesefrenchitalianspaincatalanrussiandutchlatingermanenglisheuropeandongalicianukrainianromanian

I was surprised to see that the first chapter of the otherwise English novel was written entirely in Spanish

But then again, no one expects the Spanish exposition.

did you hear about the curious spanish swine?

Porque Pig?

My 4 year old son has been learning Spanish at school and still doesn’t know the word for please…

I think that’s poor for four.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The King of France, The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis.

Eventually they decide to let the people judge. They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.


The King of France drops his and the French crowd shout "Vive la France!!"


The King of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva Españ...

I recently found out that Spanish-speaking countries have their own version of Manos: The Hands of Fate.

It’s called Hands: Las Manos del Destino.

A French woman and a Spanish man had recently gotten married and moved to Spain.

The woman could not speak Spanish so whenever she wanted to buy chicken legs, she would raise her skirt a little and show her thighs which the seller understood.
One day, she wanted to buy bananas so she brought her husband with him.





As her husband could speak Spanish.

A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn

A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn when I started to feel ill. Needing a doctor, I rang reception who said they'd get the hotel doctor to visit. I was rather surprised that such a small place would have a house doctor, and was just telling the manager this when my room door b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If we change the English word Bitch to the Spanish word Puta

Then the word Bitchin would become Putin

Over 99.99% of people that took the vaccine for the 1918 Spanish Flu have passed away.

This seems very suspicious to me!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Spanish scientist say when asked if he wanted lime in his cocktail?

A mi no acid.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spanish man and a German are watching a juggler

The juggler notices they are having troubles seeing him through the crowd and steps onto a box. He asks “can you see me now?” They reply

Yea
Oui
Si
Ja

LPT: If you are ever at a party or business meeting with Spanish speakers, make sure to stand up and say “Mucho”

It means a lot to them

A Spanish man is driving a tractor trailer across France and into Italy.

A Spanish man is driving a tractor trailer across France and into Italy. At the border he gets stopped by the French police and questioned about the contents of his truck. "Caracoles" he says. Not understanding, the police open it up and say "Oh, escargots." The Spanish man replies, "Sì, es cargo."

How does a glass of milk introduce itself in Spanish?

Soy Milk

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tattoo

A man wanted to get a tattoo. The only issue was, the tattoo was an devilishly intricate design. He went to his local tattoo parlor, only to get turned away as the artist was not skilled enough. He tried again in a busy parlor in the middle of a nearby city, only to be told it was too difficult once...

A Spanish speaking man walks into a clothing store looking to buy some socks

He found his way to the menswear department where a sales clerk offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sales clerk.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Wel...

If Spanish explorers had cheese dip

Do you think thy would be called the Con Quesodores?

How do you call an abortion in Spanish?

Adios embrios

What do people use to hear music on the Spanish border?

Pandorra

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young Spanish teacher, fresh out of college, is hired at a public school.

On her first day, the principal decides to observe, and sits down next to Little Johnny. She starts writing a sentence in Spanish on the board. As she does, a piece of chalk breaks and she bends down to pick it up. When she finishes writing her sentence, she asks, "Now, kids, who can translate this ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No one expects it!

A guy was traveling in the Spanish countryside, and after driving all day he stopped for the night at a tiny inn. The innkeeper, upon giving him his key, asked him if he would like to participate in a battle of wits with his special chicken. "If you stump him, you get a wish, any wish you like!" he ...

What did the Spanish firefighter name his twin boys?

Hosea and Hose-B

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "My company got bought out by a Madrid-based firm today," the guy tells the bartender. "Everyone was surprised." "Well," the bartender replies. "No one expects the Spanish acquisition."

A tourist in Madrid

A tourist hires a guide to show him around Madrid. He tells the guide, "If you don't mind, I'm trying to learn Spanish, so if I say something wrong, please correct me." The guide agrees, and they set off walking.

A fly happens to buzz by, and the tourist says, "Look at the *mosco*!" The guide...

What did the Spanish speaking guest say as he left Ikea with his new chair?

Silla later.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Defective Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Sheesh. I wonder what happened to this poor Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy smokes!" the guy replies. "You ...

What does a Spanish photon say when you tickle it?

“No mass! No mass!”

I used to know a Spanish magician...

He told me that he could disappear on the count of three.

Then he said *uno, dos.....*

and disappeared without a tres.

Did you hear about the Spanish Star Wars spin-off?

It’s about the chosen Juan.

What did Gavin Rossdale tell the bartender…

when he took his Spanish friend out for his birthday?

.

.

.

“Don’t let Diego buy, he’s on me.”

A woman didn't know how to speak Spanish but was married to a Spanish man and together, they resided in Spain.

Once she went to the market to buy some chicken legs. She lifted her skirt a little and pointed to her legs so that the shopkeeper is able to understand her.

Another time, she had to buy chicken breast so she pointed to her bosom so that the shopkeeper is able to understand her

Once s...

Everyone talks about the little Spanish flea, a record star he thought he'd be, but nobody talks about his cousin, the little Spanish tick.

He was a massive freaking prick.

What do Spanish speakers scream on a roller-coaster?

Nosotros...

What's the difference between American catgirls and Spanish catgirls?

One says nya and the other says ña.

What do you call a Spanish woman that always says yes?

Si-ñorita

Does Spanish have anything in common with English?

No

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

Did you hear about the Spanish magician?

He would wave his magic wand and count "Uno, Dos-"

And *poof*, he'd disappear without a *tres*.

An American man, a French man, a Spanish man and a German man are standing on the sidewalk, trying to watch a street performer juggle bowling pins.

The juggler notices they're having a bit of trouble, so he stands on a large wooden box and says to them, "Can you see me now?"

They answer one at a time:

"Yes."

"Oui."

"Sí."

"Ja."

I've started buying store brand Spanish rice instead of the expensive stuff

As they say, "Arroz by any other name..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Spanish joke that isn't as funny when translated to English

\- do you serve wild duck?

\- no if you want, but we can piss off a chicken for you.

Here, have a joke in spanish

“sabe inglés?"

"si"

"como se dice 'un zapato' en inglés?"

"a shoe"

"salud"

"gracias”

How to say surprise in different languages:

French: Surprise

Spanish: Sorpresa

Swedish: Överraskning

German: BLITZKRIEG

Why do the Spanish newspaper El Mundo's employees work so hard?

Because El Mundo means The World to them.

What does a Spanish speaking person say when you ask him what is in his container full of snails?

Es Cargo!

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

What do R/Jokes have in common with the Spanish Inquisition?

It just a bunch of tortured puns

I showed my Mexican friends I know a little Spanish by saying "mucho" and they seemed really flattered

...they said it meant a lot to them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A spanish family goes to a sports store.

The son picks up a Germany T-shirt for soccer and says to his sister:

"I've decided I'm going to be a Germany fan and I want this T-shirt for my birthday."
The big sister reacts angrily and slaps him in the face.
"Are you stupid, go talk to mom about it."

So the little boy wit...

My Spanish teacher's husband died last week

I approached her in class and said "Mucho"

"Thanks," she said, "that means a lot."

"Tanto."

"Oh my," she replied. "Thank you, that means so much."

"El mundo."

"Thank you so much," she said, "what you've said means the world."

What do you call a thoughtful Spanish mint?

A pensa mentos.

How much Spanish did the cow know?

Muuuuucho!

What do you get when your French and Spanish friends mix?

Mon amigos

They thought ESPN was very good in Spanish speaking countries

So now they just call it EsBein.

This Spanish man on my lawn is so demanding

I keep giving him blankets to sit on and all he will say in response is 'grassy ass'

An English man, a French man, a Spanish man and a German man were watching a juggler.

An English man, a French man, a Spanish man and a German man were watching a juggler performing, but the juggler noticed they couldn’t see very well, so he stood on a crate and called out, “Can you see me now?”

They replied, “Yes,” “Oui,” “Si,” “Ja.”

What did the Spanish cow say to the other cow when it wiped the grass off its rear?

Grassy-ass

The Spanish assassin

There was once a hitman who was known for his skill and stealth. Nobody really knew his identity, except for the fact that he always used to count to three before shooting his victim.

One time, a mob leader wanted a hit on a rival leader, so he hired him. He said "I want the kill to be clean,...

I used to have a Spanish girlfriend called Nada

She meant nothing to me

Why did the Spanish Inquisition yank out people's molars?

Because they wanted the tooth, the whole truth, so help them God.

My Spanish teacher asked me to turn in my essay

But I ain't no snitch

My name is Brett but my Spanish speaking friends call me

Pan.

A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests ...

I've getting feedback that my jokes are in broken English, so here's one in Spanish.

Uno.

Smallpox, the Spanish Flu, and the black death have already done the whole global pandemic thing...

What covid is doing is just plaguerism.

Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were arrested for allegedly breaking into a Spanish man's house

They reportedly took some of his belongings (only what they could carry). When the police asked the homeowner about it, he said "They took what they could, but then.... The Rolling Stones gathered no más."

My Spanish teacher quit her job in the middle of our numbers lesson

She left without a Tres

What do you call a website where you pay to look at pictures of Spanish desserts?

OnlyFlans

I asked my Spanish colleague if he could include me on an email

He replied, “CC”

What do you call a group of Spanish yes men?

A si section!

What did the Spanish ghost have for breakfast?

A bowl of ethereal...

My buddy and I have been working at this company for several years

We thought everything was going great. Numbers were up, sales were soaring! But one day our boss announced that the entire company was being bought out by some company in Spain.

“What?!” I exclaimed to my friend. “This is so out of the blue! Never in a million years could I have seen this com...

My tattoo removal specialist, Dr Pablo, confessed to me recently that he had committed dozens of crimes yet has never been caught.

"How on earth are you a free man?" I asked him.

"Nobody expects the Spanish ink physician" he said.

During Spain's economic crisis, my Spanish uncle started his own honey business.

He named it Big Co Honeys.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Spanish attacking footballer say to the journalist asking if he wanted to win the match?

I'll pass.

What did the Spanish sauce say to the English sauce?

Soy sauce.

A magical spanish thief was caught trying to steal an early work of a famous artist

In his defeat, he declared they could keep the work, but he would set himself free on the count of three. He said "Uno...Dos...." and then poof, he vanished without a trace.

My son asked me if I know any Spanish words.

I said no.

What do Spanish people call leftover beef?

Reincarne

I recently had a chat with a Spanish girl whose name is apparently "senorita 2"

Unfortunately she wasn't able to recognize any of the words I was saying. That's probably the only time I'll speak with "MS-DOS".

My dad is moving to a Spanish city

Ciudad

Everyone is posting photos of people from the 1910's wearing masks to protect themselves from the Spanish flu to try and convince people to wear masks now...

Idiots. If masks work, then why are all those people in the pictures dead?

What do you call a group of confused Spanish speaking racists?

The ¿Qué Qué Qué?

Why is Mario so scared of Spanish ghosts?

He’s been playing with “La Ouija” too much.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a restaurant after a bull fight

A man walks into a Spanish restaurant after a big bull fight. He looks at the menu for a bit and spots ‘meatballs del toro’. So he calls the waiter over and orders this plate. Later, two giant, steaming meatballs come out atop a large plate of spaghetti. Best meatballs the man has ever had. He leave...

Why did the Spanish train driver crash into an insane asylum?

Nobody is sure, but the doctors said they saw a loco motive

Once upon a time, Spanish galleon was sent to rescue some farmers and their cows in a settlement...

...they arrived on schedule and picked up the farmers and their cows, which took up half of the cargo hold. As the journey continued, they miked the cows, eventually filling up the remainder of the hold with various dairy products.

Finally, they reached their destination, but before they wer...

I told my girlfriend that I don’t like Spanish rice...

And now I’m ricest

A bilingual joke! (English/Spanish)

A Spanish man goes into a department store looking for a specific item of clothing. But he can't find what he's looking for and he doesn't know the English word for it.

So he grabs a salesperson and says, "Tienes calcetines?"

"I'm sorry, I don't know what that is," the salesperson says...

I hope this translate well from Spanish

Why do police cars have a bathtub on the top?

So they can carry the sirens.




.
Sorry

Do you speak Spanish?

A) No. B) A little. C) Señor

Mexicans in the US should bear responsibility for their Spanish flu

ency, which has inspired so many to learn a second language. True MVPs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which US President was most popular among Spanish porn stars?

L.B.J.

A Spanish woman was married to an Arabic man when they discovered they were going to have identical twin boys.

After much discussion, it was decided that one should be named after his paternal grandfather Amal and the other after his maternal grandfather Juan.

Years go by ...

The boys and their mom are at the grocery store one day when the boys were about 6 yrs old. As the mom was looking at...

I want to know if this Spanish joke translates at all

What’s the similarity between a boat, a firefighter and a family?

The boat and the firefighter have hard outer coverings (cascos).

*and the family?*

They’re good, thanks for asking!




(Original Spanish)
¿Que se parece entre un bombero, un barco y una famili...

What did the mathematician order at the Spanish restaurant?

A π-ella

What would you call a progressive rock band that plays psychedelic Spanish guitar on your front lawn?

Pink Flamenco

If a Spanish woman called Pilar married an Irish man called Colm

... would their children be Poles?

What do you call a handicapped Spanish demon?

El Disablo

I heard translated jokes are now a thing. Here's one from spanish:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side!

Original:

¿Donde esta la bibliotecha?

¡Donde esta la bibliotecha!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.