A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."



An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Cong...

How long is a Chinese name

How long is a Chinese name

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A Filipino, a Chinese man, and a Japanese guy are in a bar having a drink.

When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, “Whoever can use the words ‘liver’ and ‘cheese’ in a creative sentence can have me for tonight.” So the Chinese guy says “I love liver and cheese.” She says “That’s not good enough” The Japanese man says “I hate liver and cheese” She says “That’s not ...

Why can’t two Chinese parents make a white child

Two Wongs don’t make a white

This joke was originally told to me in Chinese - let’s see if it flows just as well in English

An emperor with finds out that there is a spy inside his grand army. He decides to interrogate every single person in the army.

A young trooper in the army does not speak the emperor’s native language, and is worried that he would be suspected as the spy. His friends in the army, however, dec...

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Why do Chinese people love IPhones and Apple products?

Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.

(inspired by u/lorenzomofo 's comment on a
r/nextfuckinglevel post)

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young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daug...

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

Why do chinese have two holes in their underwear?

One for each leg.

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. ...

Why don’t chinese kids believe in Santa?

Because they make the toys

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An Australian bin man knocks at the door of a Chinese guy

And asks 'where's ya bin mate' The guy answers 'I bin watching TV!' The Ozzie asks 'na mate where's ya wheelie bin' The guy hangs his head and says 'I wheelie been wanking'

What do you call a Chinese food picnic?

A Wok in the park.

A Chinese man, a communist and a spy walk into a bar.

He orders a drink.

Why does Fozzie Bear make lots of Chinese food ?

He loves to use his wokka wokka!

What did the Chinese vocalist do after smoking some marijuana?

He Shanghai.

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Why don’t Chinese people rap?

If Korean pop is Kpop, then Chinese rap would be Crap.

Also, rap is an expression of unfiltered emotion and experience, which is banned in China.

Two Chinese guys are sitting somewhere in Hongkong, discussing about their country's politics.

yeah that's actually the joke

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There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and Moishe. So he interviewed all three.

The emperor first asked the Japanese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Japanese opened a little silver box and out flew a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in two pieces. The emperor was impressed.

The emperor then asked the Chinese to demonstrate...

69

A Chinese couple has finally made it to their hotel on their wedding night. She says, my love we are finally married. Anything you want tonight, just ask.

He says, how about a 69?

She says, you want beef with broccoli?!?!?!?!

The remake of Mulan and the Chinese banner have a lot in common.

They're both huge red flags with stars in their corner.

I asked my Chinese friend what it’s like to live in China

He says he can’t complain

Who has two thumbs and isn't afraid of the Chinese Government? This guy.

Edit: 1 thumb

Why did the Chinese government confiscate all deer legs?

Mistook them for moose limbs.

What does a house full of frat boys partying without face masks and a cage full of Chinese pangolins have in common?

They're all nocturnal. What did you think I was going to say? (Seriously, though, wear a mask.)

Why don't vampires suck on chinese blood?

Because it tastes wong.

How do you say 'democracy' in Chinese?

You don't.

I met a Chinese woman who had just arrived in the U.S...

I’d been learning a little Mandarin and was trying to have some basic conversation with her. She asked why I know Mandarin. I joked: “For when China takes over.”. She got very mad and said “China doesn’t want to take over anything, they just want to live in peace!”. I asked, “What about Hong Ko...

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

Why would the world have been a better place if Adam and Eve had been Chinese?

Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple.

Did you hear about the Chinese godfather?

He made them an offer they couldn't understand.

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I want to try with an ancient Chinese joke and see if it works.

A man with a small dick wants to find a wife. He’s afraid to be laughed at for his size so he insists to find a true virgin. And he thinks of a clever way.

The man marries a woman, shows her his dick and asks her: “what is this?” The woman replies: “it’s your penis.” The man knows that she is...

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What do you call Chinese chicken served in Europe?

...
...
...
Cock Asian

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Have you ever had sex in a Chinese restaurant?

Its Wei Fun

How can you tell if your keyboard is Chinese?

The Escape key is missing, cause there is no escape in China

If you see your friend hang a Chinese flag on the wall...

... it’s a big red flag.

A Canadian, a Swiss, a German, a Mexican, a American, a Korean, a Austrian, a Brazilian, a Estonian, a Filipino, a British, a Egyptian, a Icelander, a Jamaican, a South African, a Puerto Rican, a Chinese, a Latvian, a Moroccan, a Taiwanese, a Spaniard, and a Romanian walk into a fancy restaurant.

The waiter stops them and says “Sorry, you can’t come in here without a Thai.”

If I say that all Chinese people are the same

Is it racism or communism?

A chinese citizen has an opinion

Sorry, had\*

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"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

Who's the most precise chinese man?

Thai Ming

My Chinese friend used to be the only professional gambler in China

Which makes him the only person in China who likes to bet

Wise Chinese Proverb

Man who stand on toilet

Is high on pot

how does a chinese cat say hello

mi how

How do you scare chinese?

-Pooh!

I was chopping up some leftover dumplings from my soup at a Chinese restaurant when suddenly it hit me...

I was engaging in acts of wonton destruction.

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Chinese guy and a Jewish guy sitting at a bar.

Suddenly Jewish guy whacks Chinese guy on the head. What was that for? says the Chinese guy. Pearl Harbor says the Jewish guy. Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese. Jewish guy says Japanese Chinese what's the difference?

Time goes by. Suddenly the Chinese guy whacks the Jewish guy on the head....

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A Chinese man and Spielberg.

A Chinese man walks into a bar in America late one night and he sees Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here!"
The astonished...

The Chinese President dies of a chronic disease. How does his wife feel?

Xi's Jinping with joy.

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A brash American tourist got seated next to a Chinese man in a plane.

Mid flight, the Chinese man ordered for a marmalade sandwich. The American could not contain his curiosity so he struck up a conversation with his seatmate.

"You enjoyin' that sandwich, pal?" he asked

"Yes" politely answered the Chinese man after he took a bite and made a few chews....

Chinese man goes to the eye doctor

Doctor says looks like you have a cataract he replies no I drive a rincon towncar

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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian.....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Camer...

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A guy has a crush on his friend's chinese wife.

One day he runs into her while she is shopping and he proposes they have lunch together in a nearby restaurant.
Finding it hard to converse with her flirtatiously, he proposes they play a game.
"What if I pay you 100 bucks to show me your boobs?" Asks the guy.


"Okay." The lady agre...

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A woman complained to a co-worker that she hadn't been on a date in a very long time. The co-worker mentioned that a Chinese doctor had recently opened a sex clinic and she should try him out.

She made an appointment and the doctor asked her what her problem was. "Nobody ever asks me out on a date"

The doctor told her to undress completely and get down on all fours.

"Now crawr away from me rearry fass."

So she crawled across the room away from him really fast. and tur...

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So I translated a joke in Chinese

A married couple were playing golf near an old mansion.
The wife is not a good golf player and on her first swing, the ball goes crashing through a window in the mansion.
“Come on, we should go apologize” said the husband. As they arrived at the mansion, they open the door to find an old man ...

A man rang the Chinese restaurant to order some food...

"Can I speak to Ha-Fin?"

"No, Ha-Fin is out."

"Is that Ha-Fout?"

"No, Ha-Fout is not in."

"Well, who is that?"

"I'm Ha-Fup, the receptionist."

"Sorry, I'll call you back when you're not busy."

If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic

There isn't any iceberg.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be repaired very shortly.
The iceberg is a...

A Chinese restaurant owner arrives home very drunk.

He crawls into bed next to his wife and shakes her awake, whispering, " Hey honey, how about a little 69?"

She jumps out of bed, livid, and yells at him, "You come home at 3am, stinking of whiskey, wake me up, and have the nerve to ask me for some pork fried rice, chicken chow mein, and an eg...

Chinese and Indian troops have been fighting each other with sticks and rocks...

looks like they decided to go directly to world war 4.

Ordered a Chinese earlier in the day. The Chinese driver pulls up and walks to the door. I walked out to meet him and he started shouting, "Isolate isolate!"

I said, "Calm down dude, you're not that late. I only ordered it half an hour ago!"

Recently started dating a chinese girl but not sure if I want to keep going.

She’s been raising a lot of red flags.

As a landlord, the most laid-back renters I ever had were a Chinese restaurant.

They were lo mein tenants.

Chinese takeout, £15.00, petrol to get there, £1.50, getting home to find they've forgotten one of your dishes.

Riceless.

How about a joke translated from Chinese? Haven't seen one of those on here yet.

The boss asked his secretary to bring in all the job applications for the open position. She walked into his office and put a big stack of papers in front of him on his desk.

He picked up the stack, turned it face down and started randomly flipping through them, pulling out the ones he sto...

What do you call a bunch of chinese bears at an orgy?

A pandemonium.

An Indian, a Pakistani and a Chinese are caught in a criminal act in Saudi Arabia and sentenced to flogging.

The Saudi flogger walks up to them and says : "Look, you all belong to some important countries so i gotta go easy on you. I'll let you pick how you want to get flogged"



The Chinese says: "Ok thanks habibi, please tie a mattress to my back and flog me then ok?"



Saudi du...

If your Doctor spoke like Trump

So it seems you’ve tested positive for the Chinese virus, the so-called Covid NINETEEN, the Corona—nobody knows what to call it, quite frankly. It’s the most amazing thing, no one knew anything about Corona until a few weeks ago.

But the moment I heard about it—the Wuhan flu; it’s also the W...

How much do Chinese dumplings weigh?

Wonton.

The mind that calls Covid-19 "the Chinese Virus" on live television is the same mind that called the CEO of Apple "Tim Apple" on live television.

The punchline: It's not racism, it's stupidity.

I pushed a Chinese man down the stairs...

It was Wong on many levels

Why can’t Chinese people play cricket?

Because they would eat the bat!

The Chinese President has decided to make a red book of quotes, like Mao Zedong did.

He's calling it "That's what Xi said"

My father is Irish and my mother is Chinese, so I guess you could say...

I'm "Cork-Asian"

Have you heard what happened with that Chinese lab in Wuhan?

**They ate him.**

Three chinese friends moved to America

Their names were Bu, Chu and Fu. When they arrived, they decided to take american names. Bu changed his name to Buck, Chu changed his name to Chuck but Fu decided to move back to China.

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A couple is golfing on a golf course when their ball flies out of the course and smashes right through the window of an old mansion.

Shocked, the couple hastes to the old mansion and knock on the door.

A mysterious voice from within the mansion calls the couple to enter.

The couple enters the mansion and in the hallway they see an old man standing next to the broken window and a broken chinese vase with their golfba...

Someone asked me “who’s that’s Chinese knight looking for his belongings”

“He’s Sir Ching”

Chinese takeout: $8. Tip :$2. Getting home

and finding out that they forgot part of your order: riceless.

How do the Chinese eat cats?

With catchup.

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Two Chinese sewer workers meet in a foreign pub one night.

Whilst they’re talking, they realise that they work in the same county/state, they then realise that they work in the same city, shortly afterwards they realise that they worked incredibly close, in the same area!
Then, one of them, being completely inebriated says:
“All this time, we’ve been...

A nervous passenger decided to purchase flight insurance at the ticket counter. She had some time before the flights departure, so she stopped in a Chinese restaurant in the concourse.

She started to shake as she read her fortune cookie:

today’s investment will pay big dividends!”

How is a chinese thief called?

Chinese How hot is the thief?

Imagines.

What Chinese cop?

Tooth imagines.

That the Chinese police dogs?

Tooth imagines that dealer.

What's hut by the Chinese police dogs?

Long Fing that dealer tooth construction.

If you think Chinese names are funny,

the joke is on Yu.

A Chinese guy and an Englishman walk into a bar.

Over the next hour, the Englishman drinks a lot of alcohol and goes out of control. He begins to scream cuss words and annoy everyone in the bar.

Just as the bartender is planning to throw him out, the Chinese guy says,

"Hi, sorry for bad English"

I just cannot get into reading chinese fiction

There are just too many characters...

What’s the difference between the Chinese Government and a Random Word Generator?

At least a random word generator sometimes tells the truth

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My Chinese neighbors had Waffles for breakfast

Bastards. I LOVED that cat

The fortune cookie I got with my chinese food today was weird...

It said, ”FREE ME FROM THIS FACTORY
Lucky Numbers 23.5° N, 121.0° E”

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

I can’t figure out my Chinese friend’s last name

I always take a guess at it, but he says “Nope, Yiu-Wong”

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So... Dave the Panda walk into a chinese restaurant...

The dude at the door looks at the panda and asks "Table for one?"

The panda looks around, and noticing that he is alone, and thinking he's a comedian, he says "unless you're joining me, yes. Table for one please."

He gets seated and the waiter asks what he wants.

Dave the panda ...

Three guys are stranded on an island...

There's a white, black, and chinese guy that are stranded on an island together. Trying to figure out how to survive, they decide to divide up responsibilities. The white guy's job is to look for food and water. The black guy's job is to build shelter. And the chinese guy's job is to look for suppli...

What do you call a Chinese parent you understand?

Apparently.

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An American guy, visiting China, sees a Chinese guy eating biscuits and jelly at a cafe and decides to have a little fun with him.

He pops a stick of gum into his mouth and sits next to the Chinese guy.

As he's chewing it, he casually says to the Chinese guy, "Are those biscuits you're eating? Well in America, we eat our bread without the crust, compact the crust into biscuits and sell it to China." The Chinese guy deci...

An American, a German and a Chinese got arrested consuming alcohol which is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia

So for the terrible crime, they were all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping .."

The German was first in lin...

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A Chinese prostitute told me this after I went down on her.

*"Many man eat, but Fu Manchu!"*

A Chinese bureaucrat, an Indian bureaucrat and an African bureaucrat walk into a bar. They’ve known each other for years, having met every year at UN conferences, and they’ve become friends.

But, talking over drinks, they realise that they’ve only ever met at conferences. So the Chinese bureaucrat suggests that after the next one, in Beijing, they come to his house to relax for a few days.

They all agree, and when the next conference ends, they set off. They get a plane at Beijin...

"China reports no new coronavirus local infections!" says a Chinese national to random strangers on the Internet

"But Hong Kong and Taiwan are still reporting in new cases" replied the random guy on the Internet.

"No… Hong Kong and Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

My Chinese friend from Wuhan emailed us a joke about how Covid-19 began, but nobody understood.

I guess you had to be there to get it.

Chinese Martial Arts!

I was standing in a bar in town yesterday when a little Chinese guy came in,stood next to me & started drinking a beer.

I asked him, "*Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, karate or Ju-Jitsu?"*

He replied, "*No! Why the heck you ask me that? Is it because I...

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3 people are fighting

An American,British, And Chinese are fighting over who is the best swordsman. They say whoever can slice that fly on half wins.

The American slices in half with ease.

The British does 2 slices, and it's in 4 pieces.

The Chinese does one swipe. The American and the British are l...

A chinese kid asks his father: "Dad, why do they say all Chinese people look alike?"

He replies: "I am not your dad"

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