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"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

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A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.

As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it. 

“I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?” 

“Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as ...

How Long is a Chinese name?

Yes, it actually is.

Did you hear about the Chinese guy who faked his own death?

Nobody bereaved him.

I’m so tired of jokes about chinese people

There’s like a billion of them and they’re all the same

What do you call a Chinese billionaire?

Cha ching

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I asked a Chinese girl for her number...

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said, "Wow!"

Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

UN was recruting new soldiers so a German, American and Chinese guy applied.

To get accepted they had to pass some tests.
The first test was infront of a forest.
The UN officer yells to the german: bring us some wood.

He runs into the forest and after half an hour he returns with hands full of branches and planks.

After that the officer yells to the Amer...

I was at a Chinese buffet filling up my plate when I noticed something move in one of the food trays.

I disregarded it and continued filling up my plate before heading back to the table.

After I finished I went up again and made sure to keep an eye on that tray and lo and behold something moved again! This time I get a better look and it appeared to be a pair of eyes pop up, see me and quick...

Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they make the toys.

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Chinese is a tonal language...

The word "ma" can mean either "mother" or "horse", depending on the tone you use.

This can get you into all sorts of embarrassing situations.

Like the time I inadvertently asked a man if it was okay to fuck his mother.

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A Jew and a Chinese man are sitting at a bar

A Jew and a Chinese man are sitting at a bar. As the Chinese man strikes up a conversation with the Jew, he notices that he is being met with an angry gaze. Mid sentence, the Jew pours his beer over the Chinese man’s head.
“What the hell was that for?” said the Chinese man
“That was for Pear...

Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50

Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes.

Riceless.

How does a Chinese cowboy say “Hi” ?

Ni haody

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A Chinese man decided to retire and move to America after years of living in Shanghai.

A few days after moving in, the friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt, he decides to put the welcome on ho...

What happens when you take a Chinese smartphone somewhere unsafe?

...you take the Huawei to the Danger Zone.

What do you call a Chinese man with an amputated leg?

Wan Shu

What do Chinese terrorists do at a frat party?

They bro it up!

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What did the US Treasury Secretary Say to the Chinese Central Banker After the Currency Devalued?

What the fuck are Yuan?

A man goes to a Chinese restaurant

After the meal he open his fortune cookie. Inside it reads:

"Your charm and wit make admirers of many."

Although flattered, the man feels disappointed because he was expecting his fortune told. He pulls the waiter aside and asks for another fortune cookie. Inside it reads:

"Your...

The Chinese banned E for a day

For 24 hours everything was Mad in China

Why do Chinese-Americans never get homesick?

Because everything in America is homemade for them!

Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.

I asked him if he knew Kungfu or some other martial arts.

He said, "Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I am Chinese?!"

"No, it's because you are drinking MY beer!"

I had a test covering several breeds of Chinese plants.

It was multiple choys.

An American and a Chinese man are talking politics

American: In America we can openly criticize the president, can you do that in China?

Chinese Man: No, but in China we can openly support the president, can you do that in America?

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

I'm so stressed that I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called?

Oh yeah, heroin

How can we confuse the Chinese Government?

Make our military blueprints in the form of Ikea instructions.

3 Chinese Immigrants

Lee Bu, Chan Chu and Fred Fu immigrated to the USA. They decided in order to become Americans, they need to americanize their last names.

Lee Bu changed his last name to Bucks.

Chan Chu changed his last name to Chucks.

Fred Fu left the USA to Canada after becoming the laughing...

What do you find in a Chinese quarry?

Woks

A panda walks into a Chinese’s shop

The panda sits down and ask the waiter what’s the special

The waiter says “Wong tong soup”

The panda says “I’ll have 2”

The panda eats his meal and pulls out a shotgun and shoots a hole in the wall and starts to walk out

The waiter comes running up and says “you can do ...

The 2000 Chinese women's gymnastics team had to surrender their bronze medal after it was discovered that Dong Fangxiao was younger than the minimum age of 16.

They would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for those medalling kids.

How many Chinese leaders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they prefer it when their civilians are in the dark about everything.

When I was a kid, I thought I had a Chinese friend

but turn out, it was nothing more than just my imagine asian.

A Chinese man walks into a pub in West Belfast.

He orders a pint of stout, drinks half of it and then goes to the toilet. He's no sooner gone than a bloke gets up out of his seat and goes up to the bar and farts in the Chinese man's Guinness. The Chinese man returns but the barman stops him from drinking telling him what had just happened. The Ch...

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A friend of mine is dating a Chinese girl and they get down to sexy times...

He says “How about a 69?”

She looks bewildered and asks “ You want a beef with broccoli now?”

Two Chinese boys break into a distillery...

One boy says to the other: Is this whisky?

Other boy replies: Aye but no as whisky as wobbin a bank

A joke I heard in a Chinese film - Ip Man 3

Ah Mo was walking toward the table with the other men from work when one of them said

"If your wife controls you, go sit at that other table over there."

So, all of the men but Ah Mo moved to the other table.

The other men, upon seeing that Ah Mo didn't join them, started compl...

I work with a Chinese guy called Kim , and one time we were having a drink and I said to him “do you ever get fed up of westerners saying that all Chinese people look same?”

He replied “Kim’s at bar getting drinks, I’m his wife.”

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I am a Chinese....

Black, Jewish blonde guy. I've just parked my bus and crossed the road and walked into a bar and told to bartender: "you know what? My life is a fucking joke"

A Chinese and a USA general debate on who's army is better taken care of..

"Our army is well fed. They're getting 1000 calories in meals every day!", says the Chinese general.


The USA general thinks for a second and replies: "Our soldiers receive over 4000 calories daily!"


"That's impossible," the Chinese general scoffs, "Who could possibly eat half a...

Why would the world have been a better place if Adam And Eve had been Chinese?

Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple.

Chinese man: Don’t shoot it’s me!

Man with gun: It’s you who?

Chinese man: Yes.

A Chinese fella bursts out of the janitorial closet and exclaims

Supplies!

A Chinese food place tried to charge me for 1,000kg worth of food

The server told me she thought I had ordered the one tonne soup.

An American and a Chinese man are talking in a cafe. They’re engaged in a debate over their two systems of government.

The American says, “Look, our system might not be perfect, but we have freedom!”

The Chinese man asks, “Freedom to do what?”

The American responds, “Well, for one, I can go down to Washington DC, walk up to the President’s desk, and say ‘Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re runni...

An American and a Chinese man are stranded on a desert island

"We need to work together,", the american said.

"Ok,", he continued. "I will make shelter, while you get supplies."

"Ok", the chinese man answered before walking further in on the island.

Two days went by, and the american had built shelter. He was starting to starve, and as the...

How many Chinese people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It depends on how many jump off the roof in the process.

Did you hear the one about the Chinese godfather?

He made them an offer they couldn’t understand
(From The Sopranos)

What is revolting and craved by the Chinese?

Hong Kong

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A man had no love life so he went to see a Chinese sex doctor...

The doctor was named Doctor Chang and was an expert is changing people’s sex life. He said to the man,

“Take off alr of your crose,” the man did and looked to the doctor to see what was next

“Now crawr rearry fast to the end of the room.” Which the man did so Dr. Chang said,
“Now c...

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If Taiwan hates the Chinese state and the Irish hate the United states, what do the jews hate?

The gaseous state

I think I banged a Chinese celebrity.

She kept screaming “I’m Wei Tu Yung”.

Like I was supposed to know the name.

I told my wife I want to give our fifth child a Chinese name, she asked "why?"

I said "because one in five kids are Chinese".

My friend just became an American citizen, but he was forced to give up his Chinese citizenship.

It’s been a real disorienting experience for him.

What did the Chinese father say to his son when he got under 85% in his test?

You are Asian! NOT B-SIAN!

(I’m not racist... I swear)

The Chinese Doctor & The Lawyer

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of tas...

Few people know this, but the man in the famous Tiennaman Square photo was actually run over by a tank. While English-speaking people generally refer to him as the "Tank Man," in Chinese he's known as "Lobster"...

Because he was a crushed Asian.

A chinese pot, an establishment for drinks and accommodation, a prime number, and former senator Abraham Ribicoff ...

Wok inn 2 Abe R.

What did the Chinese guy's family say after he didn't cry at his own fathers funeral?

Unbereavable...

The 3 step Chinese torture

A guy comes to a Chinese house in the middle of nowhere. Being late he ask to sleep in their house. The dad accepts but says: "If you sleep with my daughter I will use the 3 step Chinese torture on you!"

The guy accepts and enters the house. The daughter is stunning beautiful. Also she flirts...

I heard that Chinese opium is so strong that it can kill you.

No wonder it's a drug for youth-in-Asia.

A Chinese guy in the U.S. goes to exchange his currency.

He exchanges C¥10,000 and gets US$1,500.

The next day, he exchanges another C¥10,000, but gets only US$1,499. He asks why.

The exchange clerk says, “Fluctuations.”

The Chinese guy is shocked for a moment, and yells back, “Fluctuamelicans!”

What do Chinese do when they have an election?

They go to their spouse.

I had some pizza from a Chinese restaurant.

It was just Tso Tso.

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An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."

And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies."

So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when ...

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

How Long is a Chinese name

......either you read that correct or you need to read it again to understand!

Why do Chinese people get good grades in maths?

Because their dogs don't eat their homework

Did you hear about the Chinese couple who were determined to have a Caucasian baby?

Obviously they couldn't because two Wongs don't make a white.

Things were going really well with this lovely Chinese girl I'd taken home when she asked if there was anything I'd like. I said "I'd love a 69"

She slapped my face, burst into tears and threw me out, screaming "You bloody men are all the same...!

"I'm not making beef and broccoli at this time of night!"

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A night of drunken sex cost the Chinese man his relationship.

He woke up and realised: it's not Yu, it's Mi.

Why did the Chinese man bring a toilet to a busy intersection in Manhattan?

Because a tank in the Square helps clear the crowd.

What do you call a Chinese cat leader?

Meow Zedong

What do you call a chinese dog that is running?

Fast food.

I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of..

tattoos.

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Three Chinese Tortures

One day, a man was lost walking through a dense forest. When it was getting dark he came across a secluded cabin in a clearing on top of a hill. He knocked on the door, and an ancient looking Chinese man answered the door.
“Please sir”, the man plead. “It is getting dark, and I’m lost. Could you ...

We ordered a Chinese takeaway last night from a local place (I won't name them)

and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!! I thought what the hell is that. Has something got in the bag, I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me. I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was agai...

What psychosis do you have, if all you can think about is Chinese noodles?

Mega-Lo-Mein-ia

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A Chinese man walks into a bar and sits right next to a Jewish man.

The Jewish man starts eyeing the Chinese man suspiciously, a dark expression covering his face. Suddenly, with no warning at all, he stands up, grabs the Chinese man by the neck, smashes his face against the bar and throws him to the floor.

The Chinese man, dazed and angry, stands up and con...

The American President, the Russian President and the Chinese President are all riding in a chopper.

Suddenly, the American President, overcome with pride for his country, takes out a stack of bills from his pocket, and throws it out of the chopper, yelling, "My country has a lot of money!"

Seeing this, the Russian President takes out a bottle of vodka and throws it out, shouting, "My countr...

Did you hear about the duck and Chinese chef that teamed up to deal drugs?

They were slinging quack wok!

A Chinese man goes to an eye doctor

A Chinese man goes to an eye doctor. The eye doctor says "I know what the problem is, you have a cacatract". The chinese man says "no, I have a rincon continental"

My new Asian Girlfriend asked me if I knew a little Chinese.

I said yeah he lives in number 221.

An anti-vax woman marries a rich chinese businessman

Later on, the woman gives birth to a healthy baby boy. However, shortly after the baby's 1st birthday, he died.
During the funeral, people noticed that the mother kept muttering to herself as she cried.

While lowering the casket, the mother kept shouting: "I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! OH, I SHOU...

Trump should hire the Chinese to build the wall.

They had one for over 2000 years and they still don't have any Mexicans.

The Chinese medic , opens a private clinic.

At the front dor , there was a huge banner saying : " The treatment costs $20 , if you don't get cured , we will give you $100 back"

A lawyer walking by saw the sign and thought it's a good opportunity for him to make an easy $100 , so he walks into the clinic .

- I have lost my tas...

An American asks a Chinese

A: "Do you have elections?"
C: "Yes! Evely moning!"

Chinese people all have the same answer when I ask what red flags to look out for when I go to China.

They all say the national flag

My chinese friend's grandfather got hit by a bus.

He was lying in his hospital bed when I came to visit him.
I had only entered the room when he began gasping and wheezing.
Worrying that he may be dying ,I quickly went near him and asked if he had any last words.
He then spoke in his native language, after a pause, in a very whispery tone...

What do you call a Chinese guy who has difficulty standing?

Li-Ning

Three Chinese brothers decided that they move to US.

Three Chinese brothers, Bu, Chu and Fu decided that they move to the US. To fit in better, they decided to change their names. Bu changed his name to Buck, Chu changes his name to Chuck and Fu stayed in China.

My long-distance Chinese girlfriend ghosted me.

The last thing I said to her was that I was going to watch Winnie The Pooh with my 4 year old niece...

Donald Trump is enacting tariffs on $200bn of Chinese goods, harming consumers like me.

I'm tariffied.

A Chinese drug dealer just came up to me and asked “Have you seen my cocaine?”

I replied “Not since he was in the Italian job.”

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A Chinese man enters a Jew's lingerie store...

-I want 20 black bras size 85 D.

The Jew:

-Of course, but black is rare color, so their price is 15$ for each one.

-It does not matter,

said the Chinese,

-I'll pay.

He took the purchase and left. After a week the Chinese returns again.

-I want 30 bl...

I ordered 2000 lbs of Chinese soup

It was, won ton

A Chinese couple are in bed fooling around. The husband says " I wanna sixty-nine!"

The wife says "You want Beef and Broccoli now?"

Why are there no Wongs in Chinese phonebooks?

Because you might wing a wong number.

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