UPJOKE
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Chinese Jokes

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A Chinese guy and a Jewish guy are drinking at the bar...

The Jewish guy turns to the Chinese guy and says, "Fu*k you and your people, for bombing Pearl Harbor!"

The Chinese guy is like, "WTF?! That wasn't us. That was the Japanese!"

The Jewish guy: "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... you're all the same."

After a few minutes and another...

I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China

He says he can't complain.
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An American, a Chinese and a Dane is bragging

The American starts: “We have the biggest Air force in the world. When all our planes takes off, there’s so many planes that not even a single sunbeam reaches the ground.”

The Chinese replies: “Well, but China has SO many ships! If all of our fleet sets sails at once, the ships would fill so ...

Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they make the toys.
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According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat

So we've been spending the entire year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.
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A Jewish man and a Chinese man were talking.

The Chinese man is proudly telling the Jewish man about his heritage. “We can trace our history back for over 3,000 years,” he exclaims with pride!

“We’ll, that’s very impressive,” replies the Jewish man, “but our history goes back for almost 6,000 years!”

The Chinese man, after some c...
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I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex Tonight!". I said, "Wow, you're easy". Then her friend said, "she means 666-3629".

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3 Chinese Tortures :).... Trust me You will love it.

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you ...

Did you know the magnifying glass was invented by a Chinese guy?

Yeah, his name was Tzu Minh
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My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn’t my waiter.
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President Biden ordered an F16 missile attack to destroy the Chinese spy balloon

Americans are thrilled. It's the first thing he's done to combat inflation.
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"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

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What does viagra and the Chinese government have in common?

They both have been rigging erections for years.

How much do Chinese dumplings weigh?

Wonton.
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I'm so stressed that I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called?

Oh yeah, heroin
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A Chinese guy in the U.S. goes to exchange his currency.

He exchanges C¥10,000 and gets US$1,500.

The next day, he exchanges another C¥10,000, but gets only US$1,499. He asks why.

The exchange clerk says, “Fluctuations.”

The Chinese guy is shocked for a moment, and yells back, “Fluctuamelicans!”
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Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50

Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes.

Riceless.
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A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai,

Number One Samurai, "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Sam...

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Why do Chinese people love IPhones and Apple products?

Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.

(inspired by u/lorenzomofo 's comment on a
r/nextfuckinglevel post)

Who is the laziest person in a Chinese restaurant?

Susan
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How Long is a Chinese name?

Yes, it is.
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A Jewish guy and a Chinese guy or sitting in the bar when all of a sudden the Jewish guy walks over and punches the Chinese guy in the face.

"What the hell, man?"
"That was for Pearl harbor, asshole."
"That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese!"
"Japanese, Chinese, same thing."
The Jewish guy shrugged his shoulders and sat back down to his beer.

A few minutes ago by, when the Chinese guy walks over and punches the Jewish guy ...

I've been so stressed recently I've been doing that Chinese thing with the needles.

You know...heroin.
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I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.
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I think I banged a Chinese celebrity

She kept screaming "I'm Wei Tu Yung" like I was supposed to know the name.
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A couple just had their first son , the husband is half Irish and half Indian , the wife half chinese and half Italian both wishes to have their son name after their heritage ..

After much argument they decided on the name.


Ravi O'Lee
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A Chinese doctor opens his new clinic.

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense o...
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I work with a Chinese guy called Kim

One night we were at the bar having a drink and I asked “Do you ever get tired of westerners saying all Chinese people look the same?”

He replied: “Kim is at the bar getting the drinks. I’m his wife.”
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My Chinese wife never understands what I want when I say "69". It's getting really frustrating.

On the other hand, I do like beef with broccoli in sweet and sour sauce.
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Xi and the Chinese Farmer

Xi Jinping, the president of China, went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine and loyal people of China.

The governor: "Fine people sure. Loyal? I don't know."

Xi: "I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do?" Farmer: "I'm a farmer."

Xi: Let me ask y...
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When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend

But it was just my imaginasian.
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I was at the bar in the International Airport when a small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts, like Kung-Fu, or Karate?" He says "No, why in the hell would you ask? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."

Chinese takeout,,,

### Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $1.90. Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the c...
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Ancient Chinese proverb:

Waitress who sit on lepers lap, always keep tip.
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A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. ...
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Why do chinese people love playing Among Us ?

Because thats the only place they can vote
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My Chinese flatmate asked "have you seen my cocaine?"

Me: "yes, he was brilliant in The Italian Job"
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An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the large, muscular, Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

To the slightly less muscular but still large Italian man, he says, "You're in charge of sweeping."

And to the skinny Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of...

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Chinese Sick Day

Ho Chow calls in to work and say,

"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"

The boss says, "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for sex. That make ...

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A Black Guy, a Japanese guy, a Chinese Guy, an Arab, a Turk and a second Black guy walk into a bar

The Arab guy sits down at the bar and subsequently, he gets served first.

The bartender says, "what'll it be?"

The Arab guy says to him, "I think I'll get a Mich Ultra. Nothing too high calorie; I'm actually trying to lose a few pounds for the upcoming charity 5k next month."

Th...

A white guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy go to work at a coal mine.

When they arrive the manager assigns each of them a task. The white guy, Frank, is in charge of digging. The black guy, Jamaal, is in charge of transportation. The Chinese guy, Wong, is in charge of supplies.

They get to work and everything is going smoothly. Frank is digging up the coal at...
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My Chinese son was born before his due date

We called him Sudden Lee
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Why can't Chinese people have white babies?

Because two Wongs don't make a white
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How do Chinese Cowboys greet each other?

They say, "NiHowdy!"
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A Chinese man and a Jewish man are in an elevator..

..As they ascend floors, the Jewish man turns to the Chinese man and blurts out "You know what.. I don't like Chinese people too much." Taken back, the Chinese man asks him why. "Because you guys were responsible for Pearl Harbor!" Shocked, the Chinese man responds "That was the Japanese.." The Jew ...

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An English man meets a Chinese woman in his travels...

They fall in love and live a happy life in England. The woman, however cannot speak in English and has to have her husband translate for her. One day, the man was rather busy and asked his wife to make duck breast. She goes to the butcher but then realizes she doesn't know how to tell him what she w...

A confused chinese student asks his master: "Master Shi, why do all chinese look the same?"

Then the Master replyed: "I am not master Shi."
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A Chinese man enters a Jew's lingerie store...

-I want 20 black bras size 85 D.

The Jew:

-Of course, but black is rare color, so their price is 15$ for each one.

-It does not matter,

said the Chinese,

-I'll pay.

He took the purchase and left. After a week the Chinese returns again.

-I want 30 bl...

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A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

'N...

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A jew and a Chinese man are in an argument...

The jew says, "I hate your people for what you did at pearl harbour". The Chinese man says, what do you mean? That was the Japanese!". The jew replies, "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same. So the Chinese man says, "Well I hate your people for sinking the titanic". The jew says, "That'...

I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup.

It was Won Ton.
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While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

A Chinese political joke based on recent Chinese political affairs

In a CCP high profile officials meeting.

Xi: let’s vote on the announcement why Foreign Minister Qin Gang suddenly disappeared. Those who don’t agree with the announcement that Qin committed suicide, please hands up.

After counting the votes.

Xi: Qin, put your hand down.
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Got an IPad from my chinese friend...

Nothing beats homemade gifts.
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Instead of actual serious spying gear, the Chinese used a balloon. Why?

Because of inflation.
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Why are Chinese kids so good at math?

Because their dog doesn’t eat their homework
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The Chinese President has decided to make a red book of quotes, like Mao Zedong did.

He's calling it "That's what Xi said"
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An ancient Chinese joke, at least a thousand years old.

A man visits his sick friend, and finds him to now be well and energetic. "How wonderful!", his friend says, "What happened?". "Dr. Chang is the cause of my health.", he says gratefully. "Dr. Chang, what did he do?". "Well, Dr. Li came and gave me a special diet. And I got sicker. Then Dr. Won...
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A Chinese Drunk and a Jewish Drunk are sitting together on a park bench...

After finishing his drink the Jew takes his bottle and *smashes* it over the head of the Chinese drunk.

"What the hell was that for?" ask the Chinese man, rubbing his head.

"That was for Pearl Harbor!" replies the Jewish drunk.

"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese!...

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A Chinese man is on his death bed...

With his sight failing, he turns to the doctor and asks is his wife there?

The doctor assures him she is.

"And my sons, my beautiful sons, are they here?"

"They are."

"What about my sister?"

Consoling the poor man, the doctor tells him:"Don't worry, she's here, alo...

What do you call a Chinese person with a video camera?

Phil Ming
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A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.

As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it. 

“I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?” 

“Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as ...

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A Chinese, American, German, and Syrian are on a train

They're all looking out of the window.


The Chinese trying to show off throws a bag of rice out of the window, "We have a lot of rice".


The American grabs a bunch of dollar bills and throws them out, "WE have a lot of money".


The Syrian tells the German glaring at ...

I heard a bunch of Chinese people chanting "We want rights! We want rights!"

They must be scared of the dark or something.
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I threw a Chinese man down the stairs...

It was Wong on so many levels.
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My Chinese friend died the other day...

So Yung.
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What does a Chinese lumberjack do?

Chop sticks
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A Chinese man went to a psychiatrist in Beijing

He says "I am under a lot of stress. I feel like I am being watched. I feel like there are cameras everywhere, my phone is bugged, someone is opening my mail, and I think I am even being followed by secret police"

The psychiatrist says ". . . . And?"
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Chinese is a tonal language...

The word "ma" can mean either "mother" or "horse", depending on the tone you use.

This can get you into all sorts of embarrassing situations.

Like the time I inadvertently asked a man if it was okay to fuck his mother.

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What do you call a fat Chinese prostitute?

Chun Kee Ho

What do you call Jehova's Witnesses in Chinese

Ding Dong
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Chinese economist asks American Economist

The Chinese stock market experienced a drastic drop over the past 3 months. With most local economists failing to explain this phenomena, a renowned Chinese economist decided to albeit reluctantly phone up his American counterpart.

Due to the fraught ties between the two countries, the Chines...
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The US president asked for estimates from contractors from different countries to paint the White House.

The US president asked for estimates from contractors from different countries to paint the White House.

The Chinese contractor estimates three million dollars.

And the European contractor said the cost was seven million dollars

And then the Pakistani contractor made an estima...
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A Dutch, English and Chinese man wash up on an island

A Dutch, English and Chinese man survive a boat accident and wash up on an island. They need food, water and supplies to survive the night.
The Dutch guys says that he will gather the food, the English man will get water and the Chinese man is send for supplies.

When the Dutch and the Eng...
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I went to a Chinese restaurant and picked up a menu that said “10% off.”

So I picked up nine more menus and got myself a free meal.
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I ordered wonton soup at a local Chinese restaurant, but they misunderstood my order.

In unrelated news, I'm opening a soup kitchen.
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A three hundred year old Chinese joke

Yenluo, the king of hell, sent a demon to earth to see if there were any doctors doing good work healing people.

The demon asked, “How do I know who is a good doctor?”

King Yenluo said, “See how many ghosts there are haunting the clinic.”

The demon came to earth...
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What do you call a rich Chinese person ?

cha ching
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A Chinese doctor has a Jewish patient.

"Listen," says the patient, "I didn't think we were going to get along so good together."

"What do you mean?"

"What do I mean! Pearl Harbor, that's what I mean!"

"What are you talking about, Pearl Harbor? I'm Chinese!"

"Yeah, well...Chinese, Japanese, it's all the same th...

Three Chinese men named Chu, Bu and Fu moved to USA

They all decided to change their names. Chu became Chuck. Bu became Buck. Fu went back to China.
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My Chinese wife is very overweight.

She weighs wonton.
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Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster?

A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.
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There is only one thing I don’t like about ordering duck in a Chinese restaurant

The bill
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A Chinese family moved into my neighborhood when I was in high school...

They had a pair of twins, named Ving and Ling, who were my age. I liked Ving, but his sister Ling was kind of a bitch. Eventually, Ling told me that he hated his name, and he wanted to change it. I asked him, "What do you want to change your name to?" and he said "Lee. You know, like Bruce Lee?" Lin...

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Chinese torture

A man is driving through the country at night when his car breaks down. He walks to the nearest farm, a big 3 story farmhouse, and when he knocks on the door and old chinese man answers. "I'm sorry to bother you sir, but my car broke down about a mile down the road. Would it be alright with you if s...

If adam and eve were Chinese

Then we would still be in paradise as they would eat the snake instead of the apple.
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I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.
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What's the name of the fastest Chinese online game player?

Lo Ping
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Why do strip malls love renting space to Chinese restaurants?

Because they’re lo mein tenants.
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A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...
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An old Chinese story

A village was terrorized by a demon. The demon attacked people, ate their livestock, trampled their fields, screamed when they tried to sleep, blew out their lights, pinched their babies, threw their dinners on the floor, broke bowls, intentionally sang off key, and was a real nuisance. The villager...
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What's the difference between this joke and the Chinese balloon?

This joke will be shot down immediately.
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A wise Chinese man once told me...

I'm from Jakarta,stop calling me chinaman..
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How much does 2000 pounds of Chinese noodles weigh?

Won Ton
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A Chinese couple has a restaurant…

After a long day of work, they go to bed, the husband says to his wife: do we want to do a 69?

And the Wife: What? Shrimp sauteed rice at this hour?
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A chinese kid asks his father: "Dad, why do they say all Chinese people look alike?"

He replies: "I am not your dad"
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Ancient Chinese proverb says

Man who farts in church, sits in his own pew.
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Is it ok to ignore dumplings in my Chinese takeout?

Or will I be charged with wonton neglect?
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A Chinese guy buys a well from a Jewish guy

The next day the Chinese walks up to the well; when the Jew runs up to him and shouts, "STOP! I sold you the well; not the water!"

The Chinese guy smirks and says "That's exactly why I'm here. How could you store your water in my well and not pay rent?!"

Why does the Chinese government crackdown on keyboard warriors?

They don't want to have another Typing Rebellion
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A Chinese general, an American Officer, and a random drunk asshole sit down in a bar and start to brag.

"If all our bombers were to be airborne at once," says the American, "you wouldn't be able to see any part of the sky".

"Hah" boasts the Chinese General, "if all our soldiers were to march at once, you wouldn't be able to see an inch of the ground."

The situation grows tense, and the d...

A man lived above a Chinese restaurant.

One night, he was trying to sleep but the restaurant's bright neon lights kept him awake. So he went downstairs to ask the owner of the restaurant if he could turn off any of the lights. "I'm afraid I can't," replied the owner, "but I can dim sum."
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I started a Chinese-Nazi Facebook page

so far its got three reichs

I think it's pretty cool how the Chinese made a language...

...entirely out of tattoos.
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A Chinese man and a Jew are talking

The Jew says "I still haven't forgiven your people for attacking Pearl Harbor."

To which the Chinese man replies, "That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese you idiot!"

The Jew says "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?"

Then the Chinese man says "You know, I haven't forgiven your...

Hey girl, are you a Chinese immigrant from the 1800s?

Because I want to make you mine.
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In high school I was best friends with a pair of Chinese twins, Ving and Ling.

Ving truly hated his name and wanted to change it to Lee, as in Bruce Lee, but Ling kept trying to convince him not to do it since it was a big part of their heritage.
One day he decided it was finally time to go through with it, so me and Ling accompanied him to the courthouse, while Ling kept...
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Chinese magican

Did you hear about the Chinese Magican who did magic with Chocolate?

I heard he had loads of Twix up his sleeve.
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If Korean Pop is KPop

Is Chinese Rap Crap?

EDIT: I just got on and looked at this post.....
THANK U SO MUCH!!!! This was my first post and it got all the way to the top!! Thank you sooo much!!

A Chinese man came to India

He took a taxi at the airport.

On his way by seeing a bus he told the taxi driver that in India buses run very slow. In China buses run very fast.

After sometime, he came near a railway bridge and saw a train passing over the bridge. Then the Chinese guy told the driver that the trains...
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Why did the Chinese couple take their newborn back to the hospital?

He was Caucasian, and they knew two Wongs don't make a white.



.

.

.

DISCLAIMER: I do NOT condone racism in any way, form or fashion. It's just wordplay, folks. Apologies to anyone too sensitive for my humor.
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My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t awarded the gold medal.

The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
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A Chinese coin joke

Boy meets girl in a club. After the usual preliminaries and some vertical dancing, they go back to her place for the horizontal kind. As they are madly undressing each other, she sees he's wearing a Chinese coin on a leather cord around his neck. "What's this about, tiger?", she asks. He gives h...
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Why are Chinese speaking people so good at cunnilingus?

Well, you remember that trick where you trace the alphabet with your tongue.

Did you hear about the Chinese godfather?

..he made them an offer they couldnt understand
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Two Chinese men are robbing a distillary

The first one says "it this whiskey?"

The second replies "yes, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank"
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