How much do Chinese dumplings weigh?

Wonton.

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If Chinese music is called C-pop, Korean music is called K-pop, and Japanese music is called J-pop, what do you call Drake's music?

Crap.

The Chinese President has decided to make a red book of quotes, like Mao Zedong did.

He's calling it "That's what Xi said"

I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China

He says he can't complain.

A chinese kid asks his father: "Dad, why do they say all Chinese people look alike?"

He replies: "I am not your dad"

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

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"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

Why can't two Chinese people have a caucasian child?

...Because two Wongs dont make a White

I am half Chinese and half Italian.

So my parents called me Lin Guini

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I set up an internet page for Chinese Nazis.

So far it's got 3 Reichs on Facebook.

Chinese takeout $25.00... Gas to pick it up $5.00... Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers...

Riceless

What did one Chinese man say to the other Chinese man?

(Censored)

Why do Chinese pirates never get scurvy?

Because they all speak Mandarin

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Chinese prostitute

A guy went to China and while there he met a very exotic woman who he ended up having sex with him. While it was the best sex he ever had, his penis started itching and then started to swell. When he got back to the States, he went to his urologist. By then it was turning purple black and was very ...

What do you call it when the Chinese attack American soil

An invasian

How Long is a Chinese man’s name.

No, it actually is.

What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?

One's a crustacean, the other's a crushed Asian.

How come Chinese people don't have phone books?

They have so many Wing's and Wong's, they're afraid somebody might Wing the Wong number.

Sorry if it's a repost. I heard it on the Disney channel roughly 20 years ago. I'll never forget that one!

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Ancient Chinese conundrum; if you're blind and get a handjob from a man, ...

... is he gay?

Why are Chinese kids so good at maths?

Because their dog doesn't eat their homework

A Chinese, French, and an Italian guy all go to a field trip

They stumble upon a witch that shows them a mirror.

"This is a magic mirror" says the witch. "Tell it the truth, and you shall win fortunes. But if you dare to lie, you will vanish."

The French goes first, and says: "I think my language is the most beautiful language in the world". And...

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A Hong Kong activist strikes up a conversation with a Chinese bartender.

Eventually, the bartender starts lamenting about his extremely dominant and overbearing wife and his poor sex life. He tells the activist, "She told me, 'I choose the position. You don't get to try new stuff with me.'"

The activist replies, "That's what Xi said."

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Two men walked into a Chinese restaurant and sat down to eat. To pass the time, they started talking about different countries and major religions.

"Hey Sam. You ever wondered whether there are any Jews in China?" one man asked his buddy.
"Whoa I never thought of that. Lets ask our waiter He's Chinese."

So they called the waiter and asked. "So we were curious. Are there any Chinese Jews?" one man asked.
The waiter looked confused ...

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20 black people, 13 Jewish people, 18 Chinese people, 10 Russians and 26 white people are in a bar...

It's crowded.

Thought I would never find true love until a Chinese woman stole my heart,

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

A Chinese baby was born a month in advance

So his parents named him Er Lee

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A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar

and starts drinking

I said to him do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?

Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?

No it's because your drinking my fucking beer.

A Chinese Official invites a Malaysian Official to his house

The Malaysian official is in awe that the Chinese official's house is a big and luxurious mansion, so he ask him how did he manage to own such an estate with a public servant's salary.

The Chinese man take him to the balcony, and points to a half built bridge.

"See that bridge? I used ...

A Chinese journalist is interviewing a riot officer about the protests occurring in his city.

Journalist: Do you find it difficult to follow orders that may harm the people protesting?

Riot Officer: I do, some of these people are my friends and neighbors. When given such a choice, the only thing I can really do is listen to my heart.

Journalist: And what does your heart say?...

Did you hear about the famous Chinese restaurant run by a father and his mentally challenged kid?

Ya, people really loved his dim son.

A Chinese man is buying a car

The salesman approaches him and starts asking questions about what they were looking for

After some questioning the car salesman says
"Cargo Space?"

The Chinese man replied "Car no go space! Car stay on ground"

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Cops beat Chinese man after asking for his name

"I've lost all faith in our police" says Fuk Yu

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What do you call a cocky Chinese person transporting drugs abroad?

Smug Lin.

A communist, spy and chinese walks into a bar.

He orders a drink.

After purchasing an oval Chinese frying pan at the diminutive British aristocrat’s yard sale

Nigel realized that he’d just taken a long wok off a short Peer.

I went to the Chinese for a take away last night, I ordered chicken chow mein, egg fried rice and Singapore crispy noodles. The bloke tipped it all loose in to a carrier bag. I said what the hell are you doing?

He said we're not allowed to put Chinese in a container anymore.

Why don't they have music classes in Chinese schools?

Because it teaches kids to play band music.

Why are the Chinese the best in the world at maths?

Because under communism, everything is equal

I ordered 2000 pounds of Chinese soup

It was won ton.

Chinese history in 5 words:

"And then things got worse."

Did u know 70% of Chinese optometrists have cataracts

The other 30 drive Rincolns

What do you get when you cross a social media site with a Chinese investor?

[redacted]

I'm going to sing in Chinese.

(censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored)

I’m so tired of jokes about chinese people

There’s like a billion of them and they’re all the same

When we were drunk last night, my friends and I threw a random Chinese man down some stairs.

It was Wong on so many levels.

Did you know the e-cigarette was invented by a chinese man?

His name is Wei Ping

Some nice Chinese couple gave me a very good camera down by the Washington Monument.

I didn’t really understand what they were saying, but it was very nice of them.

Ever heard of the Chinese mafia?

They made me an offer I couldn’t understand

Lately, i called a chinese restaurant for a reservation

i also mentioned that i would bring my little dog.
They told me: "No outside food allowed!"

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A Chinese man moves to USA after having lived 50 years in a small Chinese province

He bought a home on a small piece of land.

The friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy.

He goes next door
but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt thes...

Two Jewish guys go to a Kosher Chinese restaurant.

Their Chinese waiter greeted them in Yiddish, took their order in Yiddish, made small talk with them in Yiddish, gave their order in Yiddish, and took their bill in Yiddish.

On their way out, the two guys tell the restaurant owner what a pleasant surprise it was for them be able to talk with ...

How do you say "Jehova's Witness" in Chinese?

Ding dong.

You should never mess with chinese people

Because there a good chance you mess with the Wong family

I just ordered a Chinese takeaway

I just ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place just been to pick it up and as i was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!!!
I thought what the hell is that? Has something got in the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out
I was driving so I leaned forwa...

The lights in the Chinese restaurant were way too bright

So I told the server to dim sum

What do you call an autistic Chinese baby?

Sum Ting-Wong

How do chinese cats say hello?

Mi Yao
[this is my first post here be nice pls]

Ching Chong actually means something in Chinese!

It means you're racist

How do you say hi to a Chinese person?

Edit: "How do you say hi to a Chinese person at dinner?" makes more sense.

Ciao mein.

I'm going to lose a lot of karma now.

What did the chinese say to hk protestor? Any guesses?

tank you!

What do the Chinese call their navy

The censor ships

I used to know this Chinese guy named George Popadopolis.

I asked him how he got such a name, and he said in heavily accented English, "Well, I was standing in line in immigration office. Guy in front, he say his name George Popadopolis. Then they ask my name. I said "Sam Ting!".

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Chinese is a tonal language...

The word "ma" can mean either "mother" or "horse", depending on the tone you use.

This can get you into all sorts of embarrassing situations.

Like the time I inadvertently asked a man if it was okay to fuck his mother.

I'm so stressed that I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called?

Oh yeah, heroin

What do you call a Chinese billionaire?

Cha ching

What's the heaviest Chinese dish?

Wanton

The Chinese government finally says "Free Hong Kong"*

*With purchase of an American industry of equal or greater value.

I got rear-ended the other day and my neck still hurts. I think I'm going to they that Chinese thing with the needles...

You know...heroin.

The Chinese invented two major components of American schools.

Paper and gunpowder.

Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they make the toys.

How does a Chinese cowboy say “Hi” ?

Ni haody

An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

'How Long is chinese?'

"Yes, he is."

There was a Chinese man who was obsessed with spoonerisms

He loved drinking chai tea and doing tai chi.

Did you hear about the Chinese restaurant that got destroyed?

Biggest case of Wanton destruction I've ever seen.

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My ancestry DNA test shows 10% African, 20% Mexican, 40% Cuban, 5% Chinese...

Mom, what this even mean?

-Mom "a fucking great party"

Why did the Chinese President Xi Jinping decide to accept Hong Kong's declaration of independence?

He was unable to resist their Honey Pot Operation.

I was at a Chinese buffet filling up my plate when I noticed something move in one of the food trays.

I disregarded it and continued filling up my plate before heading back to the table.

After I finished I went up again and made sure to keep an eye on that tray and lo and behold something moved again! This time I get a better look and it appeared to be a pair of eyes pop up, see me and quick...

I’ve officially decided to boycott all Chinese products

Sent from my iPhone

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I asked a Chinese girl for her number...

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said, "Wow!"

Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

A Chinese woman suggests to her husband that they should 69

The husband replies..."But isnt it a bit late for beef and broccoli?"

What is Chinese term for diplomacy?

Xiplomacy

I once dated a Chinese vexillologist, but I had to break it off.

Too many red flags.

I bought a Chinese takeaway last night

On the drive home I saw the bag was rustling. I looked inside and saw two eyes staring back at me. Panicked, I thought it was a rat or a mouse.

I pulled it out the bag as quick as possible.

Turns out it was just a Peking Duck!

A baseball manager calls up a Chinese rookie from the minor leagues

The player shows up before his first game and goes to take batting practice. The manager sees him walking to the batter's box with a frying pan sitting on his head. He says "You can't wear a frying pan in the batter's box, son. You need a helmet."

The player responds: "This is my lucky frying...

UN was recruting new soldiers so a German, American and Chinese guy applied.

To get accepted they had to pass some tests.
The first test was infront of a forest.
The UN officer yells to the german: bring us some wood.

He runs into the forest and after half an hour he returns with hands full of branches and planks.

After that the officer yells to the Amer...

How do Chinese people greet you in Texas?

Ni Howdy

Two Chinese brothers

come to New York in the seventies and open a disco. Sam Poo and Sam Pan, they do really well and the disco is a big hit.

After 10 years Sam Poo dies and goes to heaven, he has been in heaven a while when St Peter see's Sam Poo and asks whats wrong you look sad?

I am missing my brother...

An American, a Mexican, a Chinese,

a German, a Korean, an Australian, a Canadian, a South African, a Brazilian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Dane, an Iraqi, a Singaporean, an Indian, an Egyptian, a Vietnamese, a Nicaraguan and a Brit walk into a bar and the bartender says "Hey! You can't come in here without a Thai"

If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we’d all be in Heaven

They’d have spared the apple and feasted on the snake.

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How did the guy die while making love to a Chinese sex robot?

He was erectrocuted.

Why did the chinese guy weight so much?

Because he likes to eat one tonne.

What do you call a Chinese man with an amputated leg?

Wan Shu

A Chinese guy calls his wife from work and tells her that when he gets home he wants 69.

As he walks in the door, sitting on the kitchen table is beef and broccoli.

What do German poodles and Chinese noodles haves in common?

They have oodles in common!

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A Jew and a Chinese man are sitting at a bar

A Jew and a Chinese man are sitting at a bar. As the Chinese man strikes up a conversation with the Jew, he notices that he is being met with an angry gaze. Mid sentence, the Jew pours his beer over the Chinese man’s head.
“What the hell was that for?” said the Chinese man
“That was for Pear...

When I was a kid, I thought I had a Chinese friend

but turn out, it was nothing more than just my imagine asian.

Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the world?

Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.

My Chinese neighbor

was going to cook his wife a surprise birthday dinner last night. But someone let the "cat" out of the bag.

My Chinese friend, Chang, invited me to his house for dinner

While at his house, I finally have the courage to ask him a question that's been on my mind:

"Hey Chang, don't Chinese people get bothered when others think you all look the same?"

He replies: "Chang is in the bathroom, I'm his wife"

A Chinese guy in the U.S. goes to exchange his currency.

He exchanges C¥10,000 and gets US$1,500.

The next day, he exchanges another C¥10,000, but gets only US$1,499. He asks why.

The exchange clerk says, “Fluctuations.”

The Chinese guy is shocked for a moment, and yells back, “Fluctuamelicans!”

An American and a Chinese man are talking politics

American: In America we can openly criticize the president, can you do that in China?

Chinese Man: No, but in China we can openly support the president, can you do that in America?

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An Englishman, an Irishman,...

a Scotsman,a welshman, a Frenchman, a German, an Italian, a Swede, two Finns, a Norwegian, a Dane, a Greenlander, an Austrian, a Hungarian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Latvian, an Estonian, a Russian, a Turk, an Egyptian, a Palestinian, an Israeli, a Greek, a Macedonian, a Chinese guy, a Japanese guy,a ...

Why was the internet slow at the Chinese marijuana Farm?

Because it is run with a high Ping.

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Three Worst Chinese Tortures

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most...

What do Chinese terrorists do at a frat party?

They bro it up!

I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function,

we were having a drink and I said to him

"Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"?


He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"

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An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."

And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies."

So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when ...

What happens when you take a Chinese smartphone somewhere unsafe?

...you take the Huawei to the Danger Zone.

What do you call a Chinese dog with three legs?

Leftovers.

How can we confuse the Chinese Government?

Make our military blueprints in the form of Ikea instructions.

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