What language speaks a typical Belgian beer maker?

Hebrew

Did know that king Leopold II never visited Belgian Congo?

It was a hands off operation.

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[NSFW] An Englishman, a Belgian & a Frenchman are stranded on an island and captured by a local tribe

Now the tribe leader tells them he will let the ones live who can complete his two requests.


They all agree and await the leader’s first request. So the leader says: “You each must bring me 100 of a fruit of your choice. You must collect it on this island and bring it here within the nex...

3 Belgians are sitting next to a river

3 Belgians are sitting next to a river, A crocodile swims past and they start to throw rocks at it. The crocodile gets angry and begins to swim towards them. 2 of them run and climb in a tree. They shout to the other "Why are you staying there, you better run before the crocodile comes!"
He re...

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Two Belgians walk into a police precinct

and say: "Our Dutch friend is missing. Please help us."

Officer: "Can you describe him to me?"

Belgians: "He's tall, has blue eyes and blonde hair"

Officer: "You described half the Netherlands with this. You got anything more specific?"

Belgians: "Yeah, he has an extra p...

There once was a Belgian hooker...

...who always had some Flem in her throat.

Did you hear that the director to Pulp Fiction is making a movie based off of a Belgian comic book where the main character gets deathly ill with an incredibly infectious disease and therefore has to cut off all contact with the outside world?

It's "Quentin Tarantino's *Tintin's Quarantino*".

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An Afghan...

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, ...

The Belgian PM has enough of the French laughing at his fellow countrymen

In order to fix that, he calls the French president, asking him for a favor : doing something stupid, so that the world will laugh at France, for once.

After some negotiation, the French president agrees to build a bridge in the middle of nowhere, not above a river or anything.

The wor...

Microbiotics in sour beer has been found to improve the health of North Belgians.

That proves what's good for the Gose is good for the Flanders.

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What do you call a Belgian prostitute?

*A waffle vendor*

What's the difference between a French kiss and a Belgian kiss?

...Belgian kisses have more phlegm

A Belgian supporter walks into a bar in France.

"Ouch" he says, while rubbing his forehead.

He then proceeds to walk to the nearest pub for a refreshment where he calls over the barman and orders a regular coke with ice.

The barman looks up and replies: "I'm sorry sir, we've run out of regular coke, but if you'd like I have one zer...

What do you do when a Belgian throws a grenade at you?

You unpin it and throw it back... (Frenchhumor)

About 1% of Belgians speak German

and that's all it takes to knock out Brazil again

When Belgian people want go into the Sun !

First of all, sorry for my english, it's an old Joke from my Grand Father (RIP ♥).

AN AWESOME NEW in the World Journal, Belgian People are gonna investigate the Sun !

Everyone is crazy, insane !
So after this news, they ask How you can go on the Sun ? It will burn you before ! ...

So a Belgian finds a magic lamp...

...rubs it, and a genie comes out, with your standard run-of-the-mill three wishes speech.
The Belgian wishes for a neverending pint of beer, and POOF, the glass appears in his hand, and he takes a sip of the best beer he's ever had.
The genie allows him some time to drink before asking "And...

One day, prior to the world cup, the US national soccer team manager was visiting Belgium

He was having a meeting with Roberto Martinez, and they were discussing the efficiency of their soccer team.

"Our population is over 300 millions and yet we have failed to qualify for the world cup, Roberto... How did you manage to do so with such a small country ?"

"You know Dave," sa...

3 soldiers crash on German territory in World War 2...

They were an American, a Brit and a Belgian soldier.

Since it's 1944 and the Germans still have hope the commanding officer offers them a way out; They can choose between the electric chair, a firing squad or the gallow.

With each penalty comes the rule: survive 3 times and you're fr...

"A bull is standing at the border of the Netherlands and Belgium, in which country gives it his milk?"

"A bull is standing at the border between the Netherlands and Belgium, in which country gives it his milk?"

"A bull doesn't give milk"

"Belgians don't know that!"

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A very clean joke

A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. Africa...

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A German man, an Englishman, and a Belgian man walk into a bar

After a couple of drinks, the German man says: 'My wife is SO stupid. She bought a bike, while she can't even ride it!'
The Englishman replied: 'Well, my wife is even more stupid: she bought a pool and can't even swim!'
The Belgian man laughes and says: 'That's nothing, my wife couldn't be mor...

A Dutch guy, a Belgian guy and a Greek guy are sitting in a room

The Dutch guy had a joke, but wanted money for it. The Greek guy couldn't pay it and the Belgian guy didn't get it.

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So the Belgians are pissed...

The king of Belgium is fed up that the Dutch make jokes about how dumb Belgians are. He goes to King Willem, of the Netherlands, and demands that the Dutch should do something stupid, so that the Belgians can laugh at the Dutch. Willem wants to maintain good relations so he says; "meh, we will build...

A Dutchman is driving in Belgium when he hits a Belgian car.

The Belgian whose car he hit was upset, as it was severely dented and the Dutchman was clearly at fault. But the Dutchman, unwilling to pay for the damages, managed to calm him down by explaining to him how to remove the dents: "Just blow into the exhaust, and the dents will pop out in no time". So ...

What's common between Canadians and Belgians?

They're mostly really nice people, but they have the French living there too.

An Englishman, Scottishman, Irishman, Welshman, Frenchman, Russian, Spaniard, Mexican, American, Norweigan, Swede, Albanian, Italian, Indian, Moroccan, Dutchman, Brazilian, Kenyan, Australian and Belgian walk into a bar.

The barman says; "You can't come in here without a Thai."

What's the difference between Belgian waffles and American waffles?

Belgium waffles crumble in the hands of German.

Two Belgian men are wandering around, far away from their town...

...when they walk past a bus depot. One of the men has the idea to steal a bus, so they can go home. The other man agrees and one of them climbs over the fence to steal a bus. After a lot of noise and two hours later, the Belgian finally returns with a bus. The other man asked what took him so long....

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Am I too late for a Belgian joke?

It's World War I, now 100 years ago. A Belgian unit is hidden in it's trenches about 50m of German soldiers in theirs. After weeks of heavy shootings and minor progressions the Belgian colonel comes up with an idea. He says: "Guys, I've got a plan. Watch me!" and he takes position. He raises his voi...

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It's Mr. Simon's last mail delivery after 40 years of dedicated service.

And as he arrives at the last house on his route, the number of gifts and tokens of appreciation in his overbrimming mail cart is pretty damned impressive.

And it's not without a tear in his eye that he flips the front door's brass mail slot to push the last delivery of his professional life ...

Why will Belgium go to war?

*This is a joke my dutch grandfather told me, the dutch make fun of Belgians*

Why will Belgium go to war with the Netherlands in 50 years?

Because that's when they understand the Belgian jokes they make about them.

Why will Belgium go to war with France in 50 years?

They ...

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A chinese , an american, and a belgian sit in a pool.

All of a sudden they hear a ringtone and the american starts talking in the palm of his hand. ''I have a build in telephone chip in my hand, so we Americans don't even need phones anymore!"

A few minutes later they hear another ringtone, only this time it is the Chinese man who starts talking...

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A classic French/Belgian joke

(Translated from French. I always found the nationalism amusing that the French and Belgians use each other as the butt of jokes - sorry for any Belgians here that are offended, I'll raise a Belgian beer in your name later on!)

Two Belgians were in a delivery truck driving through France. Th...

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The Magic Swimmingpool

This was a popular joke when I was in elementary school, so I thought I’d share.

A Dutchman, a German and a Belgian are on a diving board at a magic swimming pool. They have been told that the water will change into anything they scream while jumping into the pool.

The Dutchman goes fi...

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Alerts to Threats in Europe

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 194...

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Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST

You have ...

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What is globalization?

Question : What is globalization?
Answer : Princess Diana's death

Question : How come?

Answer :

An English princess with an
Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a
French tunnel, driving a
German car with a
Dutch engine, driven by a
Belgian who was high on
Scottis...

Why does a Belgian take a stone and a flashlight to bed?

The stone to throw the lights out, the flashlight to check if the lights are really out

What do you call a dog that sings?

Kelly Barckson.


(Am Belgian, sorry if this joke already existed. Came up with it while watching the Graham Norton show where she performed last week.)

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There was once an old postman...

...whose name was Stan. Stan had had a robust career delivering mail in a small town for over 45 years, and decided to retire. On his final day of work, the families on his route all decided to give him presents to show their appreciation. At the first house, the McKinsleys gave him a very nice set ...

A Dutchman, a Frenchman and a Belgian are at the channel...

The Frenchman says: "You see that there? That's the channel. The first person to swim across to Britain gets a crate of beer."
The Dutchman and the Belgian agree, and decide to use small radios to keep communication going.
They all set up on the coast, and start the race.

The Dutchman ...

What, do you call a paralyzed Dutchman getting an erection?

A Brussels sprout,

I booked an hotel in kenya on walking distance from the beach...

You can't imagine how far those kenyans will walk.
[source: philip geubels, Belgian comedian]

[Discussion] Regional targets

I am wondering who are the preferred targets of jokes from where you are from, I have done a little research and have come up with the following so far:

| Region | Target |
|:--|:--|
| Canada | Newfies |
| England | Irishmen |
| America | Polacks |
| France | Belgians |
| Br...

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