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Nation Jokes

Russia is the second most powerful military nation

... in Ukraine.




(Just thought about it, sorry if it's not OC)

What's the difference between a teabag and the German national team?

The teabag stays in the cup longer

What nationality were Adam and Eve?

Soviet, of course. Who else would walk around barefoot and naked, have one apple to share between them, and think they were in Paradise?

Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo...

We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds...

An American, a Frenchman, a Turk and a Scotsman are arguing about whose nation is the best

(sorry for bad English, it's not my native language)

The American says: We have our intelligence agencies, like CIA. They are the best in the world, and they know everything!

The Frenchman says: We have beautiful women. Despite being so attractive, they are not easy to be seduced.
<...

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"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"Noā€¦ Taiwan is notā€¦ uhā€¦ Yes, China is ā€¦ uhā€¦"

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and the state controlled national news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.

The difference between an impoverished nation and a wealthy nation:

In an impoverished nation, the shelves are empty and people starve.

In a wealthy nation, the shelves are overflowing and people starve.

A global crisis broke out, affecting every nation and people of all kinds

In response, the world banded together and quickly solved the problem through mutual cooperation and understanding

Kim Jong-Un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of...

What is Donald Trump's favourite nation?

Discrimination

Why is the National Rifle Association filing for bankruptcy?

Because schools are closed.

9/11 was a national tragedy.

So is 11/9.

Someday in the near future, Canada will become the most powerful nation in the world.

And then ā€¦ you all will be sorry.

After the COVID-19 pandemic winds down, we should honor truck drivers with a national holiday on October 4th.

A big 10-4, if you will.

Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game.

It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.

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An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wished to deposit i...

Whatā€™s the slowest Nation

Procrastination

A man calls the First National Bank of Texas. The automated voice answers, "Hello, how can I assist you today?" The man says, "Withdrawal"

The automated voice says, "YEEHAW! HOW Y'ALL RECKON I CAN HELP?!"

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The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild:

The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild:
Since he was a chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Never...

Nation dialogue

You know, I was very Hungary one day, so I went to go Czech the fridge. I managed to find some Turkey that was leftover from Thanksgiving, but it was all covered in Greece. So I closed the fridge and Czech'd the pantry. I saw a Canada beans, so I grabbed them and microwaved them, but it exploded. My...

An American man gets married to a British woman

Before the big night, his father tells him: "Tonight I want you to carry your wife in your arms to show her that the US is a strong nation.

Then I want you to throw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation


And finally I want you to take of your clothes to show her ...

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One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
Ā 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
Americ...

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Maybe every nation has ninjas

And the Japanese ninjas are just the worst

France has the most flags on the moon of any nation.

The intense UV light bleaches all the flags placed there white.

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking,

but the invention of the broom swept the nation.

In a national park, a woman stopped to watch a deer.

A man walked over to her and said, "This is red deer, Cervus elaphus, it's pleased to meet you."

Then she watched him continue to other visitors and say the same thing.

She catches up with him and asks, "Why are you doing this?"

The man responds, "The ranger told me this species...

What is Mexico's national sport?

Cross Country

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Who's responsible for fucking our nation up the ass?

Analysts!

What's the national bird of Syria

A US drone

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In honor of National Humor Month, I have one.

People say Mules are much hardier than other Equines.

They really only do a half Ass job though.

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Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.

She spoke for almost an hour about her plans for increasing every Native Americanā€™s present standard of living. She referred to her time as a U.S. Senator and how she had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.

&nbsp;

Although Hillary was vague a...

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Happy National Limerick Day!! Here's the classic one for you if you didnt know it.

There once was man from Nantucket

Who's dick was so long he could suck it

He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin

If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it.

Edit: Thanks for the great Limericks all of you who contributed. I've been laughing aloud and to tears!
Happ...

What nationality are best at cleaning mirrors?

Polish

February 10th should be National Fart Day.

Because it's 2/10.

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A Greek and an Italian are arguing which nation is the more intelligent

So the Greek says "we invented sex!"


To which the Italian responds "and we decided to do it with women"

What does D.N.A. stand for?

National Dyslexic Association

What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish

If California splits into 3 states, we just need to make Puerto Rico a state.

Weā€™d have a prime number of states and finally be ā€œone nation, indivisibleā€

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Xi Jinping was on his balcony during the early morning, admiring all that Bejing has become

He inhaled a sweet breath of fresh Bejing air and looked East to see the sun smiling down.

"Hello, Sun", said Xi Jinping.

The sun replied "Hello Glorious Leader, the architect of a grand Communist Utopia. Best wishes leading your already prosperous nation."

Xi Jinping, despiteĀ h...

4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.

The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.

The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things...

Canada is a logging nation.

Maple trees, spruce tress, and indigenous family trees.

What's the nationality of someone with many knees?

Polynesian

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The National Anthem

A drunk guyā€™s watching the World Series at the bar. The game hasnā€™t even started and the dudeā€™s already pretty wasted. They just finished singing the National Anthem when the guy says to the bartender, ā€œI betcha $500 I can fart the National Anthem.ā€

The bartender seeing some easy money take...

What nationality are Minecraft people?

Cuban.

What is Canadaā€™s national board game?

Sorry

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Why do nation states have to piss on each other??

Because theyā€™re in continents

Why does no other nation have the **American Dream**?

Because the rest of the world is awake!

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Jeff Bezos: "Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer."

Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."

In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors

If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British



If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German



If they retreat, they're French



If they switch to your side, they're Italian



If they apologize, they're Canadi...

Who decided that the Fire Nation would have Fire Nation Soldiers...

when they could have had Fire Fighters.

It's National Narcolepsy Day tomorrow

Only six more sleeps!

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The leaders of the free world gather to discuss the problems of a struggling nation

The French start: "The Age of Enlightenment started here. We'll help spread progressive ideas."

The Germans follow: "We have a very stable economy, we'll help lower national debt."

The Japanese join in: "Our scientist are the best in the world. We pledge to help battle the spreading di...

I wish they would stop playing the national anthem before games

I'm not unpatriotic; I just don't like country music.

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Each year I eagerly anticipate this day so I can share my favorite Dad Joke of all time:

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This wo...

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How could Donald Trump ever get elected in this great nation?

...said the country pissed off that the super bowl didnā€™t play music from spongebob.

In which nation do you get laid very easily?

Imagination.

Which national holiday is also an online cooking assistant?

e-stir

Why is the Scottish national garb called the kilt?

Because if you call it a skirt where they can hear you, you get kilt.

A pit for each nation in hell

A man dies and he gets a guided tour of hell from the devil, before he can go to heaven.

First they see a huge pit full of hot tar, and people screaming in agony. There's barbed wire around the pit, and guards with rifles.

The man asks: What's this?

And the devil says: this pit ...

Who knew? Ireland was the world's wealthiest nation.

Well, their capital is always Dublin.

How do we know that the US founding fathers were pro-mexican?

The national anthem doesn't say: "Hey Frank, look over there!"
Instead it says: "Jose can you see."

A Russian Tourist Travels Abroad.

Border guard: Nationality?

Tourist: Russian.

Border guard: Occupation?

Tourist: No, no, just visiting this time.

Percussionists started a new nation

'Maraca

Alabama leads nation in fewest covid related deaths.

They have been marking uncles, fathers, and brothers as the same person when they die.

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I don't support Trump, but I would never denigrate his supporters

If you're a Trump supporter, "denigrate" means "to put down."

Two days ago I was invited for a National Sorry Day gathering.

Sorry, I couldn't make it.

Putin goes undercover as a drill sergeant. Talking to a new recruit, he asks

- Where are you from, private?
- Sir, St. Petersburg
- Oh, I'm from there too. Who's your father?
- Sir, my father is President Vladimir Putin.
- That is impossible, how can that be?
- Sir, people always say that President Putin is father of our country.

Surprised but pleased, ...

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Raunchiest joke I told when I was younger (NSFW)

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sur...

Why is today National Truckers Day?

Because itā€™s 10/4 Good Buddy!

I just read an article that Texas is number one in the nation for both depression and infidelity in relationships.

It's a sad state of affairs.

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An anti-Establishment joke from India

A vagrant, finding no place on the pavement, parked himself at the feet of a statue of Mahatma Gandhi. At midnight he was woken up by someone gently tapping him with his stick. It was the Mahatma himself. ā€˜You Indians have been unfair to me,ā€™ complained the benign spirit. "You put my statues everywh...

Does the International House of Pancakes answer to the United Nations or is it the other way around?

Serious answers only. I'm studying for my AP World History final.

"I started dating a girl from another nation"

"Oh really? Which one?

" Imagination"

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

If Luxembourg invaded another nation,

then theyā€™d probably be hit with a Luxembargo.

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Trump is really bringing the nation together...

Everyone I know seems to be rallying behind "Fuck Trump".

advisor: Mr. President, you need to give a Christmas address to the nation.

Trump: Just tell them to send my presents to Mar-a-Lago.

Adam and Eveā€™s Nationality

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no sh...

Today is National Puzzle Day and National Corn Chip Day

I thought of a joke, but couldn't quite piece it together. Side note: corn chip puzzles are difficult to assemble but they taste good!

Thank goodness it's my first cake day!

Joe Biden says heā€™s going to restore the ā€œsoulā€ of our nation...

...the McRib will now be available nationwide for the first time since 2012.

Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being HIV positive on national television...

because it was easier than making phone calls?

Which nation has the most university students?

Procrasti-nation

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An English spy, a Scottish spy and an Irish spy are captured by the Nazis.

The Nazis ask if they have any last wishes

The Irishman says "I want the Irish national anthem to be played before I die"

The Scottish man says "I want the Scottish anthem to be played on bagpipes before I die"

The Englishman says "I wanna die first"

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I got caught masturbating to a copy of National Geographic

I'm not sure who was the most embarrassed, me or my dentist!

God gathers the leaders of every nation

to tell them that the world is going to end in a week, and that they must inform their countrymen and women. Shocked, the leaders return home wondering how to best break the news. The next day, they all hold press conferences.

Barack Obama: "I have some good news and some bad news. The good ...

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A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

What is the proper term for a nation without coherent leadership?

Unpresidented

The United States is currently in an unpresidented situation.

There's a University called the National University of Science and Technology

It's not called the National University of Technology and Science, because that would be NUTS.

People are currently shooting fireworks off in my neighborhood. I'm usually all for shooting fireworks to celebrate the founding of the greatest nation on Earth, but come on...

Canada Day was yesterday!

I just realized Aang worked among the people instead of staying in seclusion (like the monks of the Air Nation).

This would make him an Air Friar.

I always tell people I work for the United Nations.

It's a better way of saying I'm U.N.employed.

Robert Mugabe, an unpopular dictator from an African nation, visited Israel with his top government officials.

Unfortunately, he died during the visit. The Israelis offered to bury him in Israel for free, explaining that it will save money that can be used to help the poor people of his country. His entourage discussed the proposition and declined the offer saying that they'd rather bring back the remains of...

People say that Pakistan is a terrorist nation.....

Guys it's not true, even Osama bin Laden lived there peacefully for 6 years

What is the national dish of Russia?

Empty

What is Chinaā€™s national sport?

Hard labour.

A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality.

A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality.

The Frenchman said, "Of course Adam was French. Look how passionately he made love to Eve!"

The Englishman said, "Of course Adam was British. Look how he gave his only apple to the lady, like a real gentleman."...

German tourist visits Poland

Guy at the airport: Nationality?

German dude: German

Guy at the airport: Occupation?

German dude: Nein, nein, only vacation.

I visited the National Air and Space Museum.

I believe the title is misleading because it's actually full of stuff.

What nation has caused the largest population growth since 1970?

Insemination.

Name the nation people hate most

Examination

I wanted to watch the National Origami Competition the other day...

...but couldn't because it was paper view.

I'm in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend. He's from another nation.

My imagination.

Beavers are great dam builders and Canada's national animal.

That's why Canada is the best damn country in the world!

The United Nations world-wide survey

The United Nations sent out a survey to all the nations in the different continents of the world.

The survey went like this:

"We want your honest opinion on how to find a solution to the food shortage in the rest of the world"

The survey of course, turned out to be a total and a...

Today, May 22nd, is National Solitaire Day.

I sent myself a Hallmark card honoring the event.

A young master and his butler visit the Yellowstone National Park.

A young master and his butler visit the Yellowstone National Park.

In the vicinity and unnoticed by the young master is his fiercest rival.

As the young master turns his back, the rival makes a silent attempt on his life.

The butler, always prepared to defend his charge, rushes ...

Why could the Fire Nation defeat the Air Benders so easily?

Because wind resistance is negligible

How many parties does it take to run a democratic nation?

Two, one to... just kidding you can't run a democratic nation on two parties.

What is the National Sport of the United States of America?

Depends on which one is on TV right now.

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

Itā€™s national sex day, and the only thing Iā€™m Fucking

Is sad

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

One nation, under Trump, divisible...

Trade liberty and justice for Wall.

Vladimir Putin making a school visit...

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina put...

I never imagined Chris Rock getting slapped on national televisionā€¦

But I guess if thereā€™s a Will, thereā€™s a way.

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

TIL Vietnamā€™s national currency is the Dong.

I mean Iā€™ve heard of shit costing an arm and a leg but that just seems cruel.

I was on a first date recently and the girl told me she really liked the national emblem of China

I thought, well thatā€™s a red flag.

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

President Trump has declared Palestine "not a Shithole Nation".

"It's a Shithole Territory"

How do you brainwash a tropical nation?

Air conditioning.

~11 year old joke, but I still think it's funny: What's the national bird of Afghanistan?

*"DUCK!!"*

What would we call if russia unite with all former Soviet Union nation?

...Soviet 'RE'Union

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