We had a surprise costume party for my Australian co-workers promotion and we dressed him up as his nations favorite marsupial.

He was well koalafied.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How could Donald Trump ever get elected in this great nation?

...said the country pissed off that the super bowl didn’t play music from spongebob.

It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds.

An American dog goes 'woof', a Czech dog goes 'haf', a Dutch dog goes 'blaf' and a Korean dog goes 'sizzle'.

In which nation do you get laid very easily?

Imagination.

The United Nations are putting on an event with carousels, candy floss and a ferris wheel a couple of towns away.

I wish they'd come to my town. It's UNfair.

How many parties does it take to run a democratic nation?

Two, one to... just kidding you can't run a democratic nation on two parties.

I remember when I worked at the United Nations

And one day one of the secretaries asked me to get Kofi Annan a gram of cocaine.

Of course, I called him immediately.

"Kofi" I said, "right now the only one I can think of is 'oceanic'"

Did you hear? Being the greatest business man and genius that he is, Donald Trump will be fixing the most original flaw of this great nation. And it will finally be known as America:

Land of the Fee! (Conditions may apply)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I once tried to control a nation by simply walking around with a vegetable on the end of my penis...

I learned this trick from other dick taters.

The year is 2135, and the US and Russia are the only 2 remaining nations.

After a century of warfare, the two nations expanded their borders, annexing an country that stood in it's way.

Both nations, hungering for world domination, have been at war with each other for over 20 years, and have decided that the fighting would never end, as the two were so closely matc...

Why could the Fire Nation defeat the Air Benders so easily?

Because wind resistance is negligible

Hitler: *tries to attack Russia* Stalin: “If he’s going to attack our nation...

Then Soviet”

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are having a philosophical debate.

The question arises: What separates man from the animals?


"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the hights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."


"I disagree," announces the Italian. "...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

English Teacher

A young woman applies for a job at a school. The principal looks at her pretty and innocent face and tells her “I’m sorry Our only opening is for an English teacher for a special class. The students in this class are rejects from all over the city and can’t spell even the simplest of words. No other...

I feel like the United Nations right now....

I say I’m doing work but I’m not.

There are two types of nations in this world....

Those who use the Metric system....

​

And those who have been to the moon.

What is Donald Trump's favorite nation?

Discrimination.

If the US has a heated debate over global warming that polarizes the nation

desn't that mean problem solved?

The United Nations initiated a poll with the request, "Please tell us your honest opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world."

The poll was a total failure. The Russians did not understand "Please". The Italians did not know the word "honest". The Chinese did not know what an "opinion" was. The Swiss did not know "lack", while the Africans did not know "food". Finally, the Americans didn't know anything about the "rest of t...

If Luxembourg invaded another nation,

then they’d probably be hit with a Luxembargo.

The United Nations conducts a survey worldwide

The only question asked was: "Would you please give us your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a complete failure...

In Africa they did not know what "food" meant

In China they did not know what "honest" meant

In ...

For hundreds of years they were forced to work for us across our nation, tirelessly and without monetary compensation. They were whipped, and tied to wooden posts. Even today, they are exploited for sports and entertainment.

Man, horses must really hate us.

What's the best nation in the world?

Urination

Putin, at the summit: Donald, I’m thinking of annexing all the nations around Russia. What do you think?

Trump: Then Soviet.

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking,

but the invention of the broom swept the nation.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once upon a time, there was a king who ruled a great and glorious nation.

“Once upon a time, there was a king who ruled a great and glorious nation. Favourite amongst his subjects was the court painter of whom he was very proud. Everybody agreed this wizzened old man pianted the greatest pictures in the whole kingdom and the king would spend hours each day gazing at them ...

What did the Arab Nations say when Iran blockaded the Strait of Hormuz?

OMAN...

I was talking to a russian the other day and he said that russia is the largest european nation...

I said, sorry man, eurasian.

Most Middle Eastern Nations don't like the Flintstones..

But ABU DHAIBI DOO!

Donald Trump dies and goes to hell

In 50 years, he comes to the devil and says: "I know I'm going to spend an eternity here. I would like to ask you for a favor. I miss my country, I miss the United States. Can I go back to Washington DC for 15 minutes? I will go to the nearest bar, drink some beer and have a little chat with the bar...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

President Trump has declared Palestine "not a Shithole Nation".

"It's a Shithole Territory"

There's a lot of talk about making Puerto Rico the 51st state

But I think the goal should be to get to 53 states.

A good solid **prime** number.

​

One Nation, Indivisible.

​

​

​

Why does no other nation have the **American Dream**?

Because the rest of the world is awake!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Trump is really bringing the nation together...

Everyone I know seems to be rallying behind "Fuck Trump".

How do you brainwash a tropical nation?

Air conditioning.

Poor children in African nations are really excited...

They're finally getting New England Patriot super bowl championship shirts!

4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.

The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.

The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things...

Did you know California supplies 2/3 of the nations fruits and nuts?

And a lot of produce too.

How do people from fake African nations play Limbo?

Same as everyone else, they Wakanda the stick.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Maybe every nation has ninjas

And the Japanese ninjas are just the worst

I already got a date this valentine's day. Her name is Emma,

Emma Gination.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.

She spoke for almost an hour about her plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. She referred to her time as a U.S. Senator and how she had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.

 

Although Hillary was vague a...

What do you call a country populated by people with weak bladders?

A uri-nation.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I escaped a burning Island nation and then had sex in a monastery.

It was out of the frying Japan and into the friar.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

World Peace

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. 


"World peace" I said. 

"Something more realistic!" she laughed 

"Ok how about a blowjob once a week?" 

She reached for the phone. 

"Who are you calling?" I asked. 

"The United Nations" she replied.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you liked the film, Pulp Fiction, you may like this joke. Semi long, but the punch line....well you decide.

**Part 1, THE BUILDING SITE:**

**Two Kiwi’s are working on the 20th level of a building site in Auckland, New Zealand: Phul (Phil) & Muck (Mick).**

Phul turns to Muck & says "Cawww I've gotta take a piss, but there’s nowhere to go, eh"

"Walk out to the end of that plank...

What happened to the First Nations man that drank to much tea?

He drowned in his tea-pee

The United Nations world-wide survey

The United Nations sent out a survey to all the nations in the different continents of the world.

The survey went like this:

"We want your honest opinion on how to find a solution to the food shortage in the rest of the world"

The survey of course, turned out to be a total and a...

Even if they all unite against Trump, those seven countries won't get off the list

A seven nation army couldn't hold Trump back.

The United Nations is like a black father

You know it exists but it's just never there when you need it .

I've always wanted to buy an island and found my own nation on it.

I'd name it Procrasti. I'll get around to it some day.

They say no man is an island,

But drink enough and you're a nation.

If two impoverished African nations went into battle against each other...

... Would that be a third-world war?

Nicaragua just signed the Paris Climate Agreement, leaving the US and Syria as the only nations not in the agreement.

It's interesting. One of these countries is a corrupt, remote wasteland headed straight into chaos, pitting religious fundamentalists headed by a crooked tyrant against the majority of the people, and the other one is Syria.

The invention of the broom may have swept the nation...

... but the invention of the Galaxy Note 7 really set the world on fire

Free talking dog

A man was driving along a Farm Road when he saw a sign that said free talking dog.

The man had to see this. He pulled up to the house where there was an old farmer sitting on the porch. He asked the farmer can I see the dog. The farmer shook his head and pointed around back.

The man sa...

Back when Canada was just becoming a nation...

the people were unsure of what to name their great northern nation. After many hours of heated dispute, they went to one of their wisest elders. Upon hearing their quandary, he said to them "bring me a bowl of chits of every letter."


Confused as to what the elder would possibly need the c...

Did you hear about the nation's best farmer?

He's out standing in his field.

Why didn't the Avatar want to fight the Fire Nation?

Because they gave him Aang-xiety

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a nation of angry women?

A cuntry.

What's the best nation in the world?

A donation

(Adapted from a homeless man who sat outside my building)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When/If Scotland becomes independent, what will the national currency be called?

Doesn't matter, you won't be able to pry it out of the cheap bastards' hands anyway.

I was studying hard for a midterm when I heard a knock on my door.

+Knock knock.

-Who is there?

+Your nation!

-What are you talking about?

+Procrastination.

Needless to say I have been on reddit since.

God gathers the leaders of every nation

to tell them that the world is going to end in a week, and that they must inform their countrymen and women. Shocked, the leaders return home wondering how to best break the news. The next day, they all hold press conferences.

Barack Obama: "I have some good news and some bad news. The good ...

What do the African nations Zimbabwe, Tanzania, Mozambique, Zambia, and Swaziland have in common?

A lot of da Z's.

What is the the most charitable nation?

A donation.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

God went around the world looking for a nation to give his commandments to.

First he tried the French.
"Would you be interested in my commandments?"
"What's in 'em?"
"Well... There's 'thou shalt not commit adultery"
"No thank you."

God then tried the Romanians.
"Would you be interested in my commandments?"
"What's in 'em?"
"Well... ...

Why is the United States always in political disarray?

It's a nation without a litre.

This nation really has gotten lazy, what with buying pre-shredded cheese and all.

I think it's time to make America grate again.

What do you call a nation of programmers?

A developing country

In the middle of the night...

...a frustrated wife starts singing the national anthem loudly. “What are you doing, darling?” inquires the husband. “Well, I was giving it one last shot, honey,” replied the wife, “the whole nation stands erect when this song is heard.”

One nation, under Trump, divisible...

Trade liberty and justice for Wall.

Two warring nations....(kinda long)

Two warring nations have been fighting over their "holy land" for hundreds upon hundreds of years. One day, they decide to send their best philosopher to a duel of knowledge, to determine who truly deserves the "holy land". The only dilemma is neither nation speaks the same language.

So the t...

How the nation of Canada got named.

There was much polite arguing about what to name the country. So they decided to draw letters from a hat. The first letter was a "C", so the announcer says "C, eh". The next letter drawn was an "N", and he says "N, eh"...

I told this joke on /r/politics recently, figured I would share it here...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

Cold War Dog Fight

During the Cold War, the Soviets and the Americans decided that nuclear brinkmanship was not sustainable. So they agreed to settle the question of world hegemony once and for all with a good old-fashioned dog fight - the parties had one year to prepare.

The top scientist of both nations worke...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The smart wasp... (sorry if it's a repost, someone asked me to tell it)

So there is this wasp, right? Now, he's not *ordinary* wasp, mind you, but an incredibly smart one. This wasp is so smart, that he feels as though he doesn't belong in his little waspy town, so he decides to pack up and go to a human high school. So off he goes to high school, with nothing but his k...

Which nation doesn't do what it's supposed to do until it's too late?

Procrastination!

What did the Wealth of Nations say to the Communist Manifesto to cheer it up?

Some day you will be red!

A man runs out of money in a foreign Asian country

A man runs out of money while traveling a foreign country in Asia. Desperate for food he hears the locals discussing the Monks and their great kindness. Hearing this, the man decides to seek out the temple and beg the monks for food.

After finding the temple, the man is taken in and well fed....

John Cleese talks about the terror threat levels of nations

The English are concerned about the recent increase in terrorist activities, and have therefore raised their security level from “miffed” to “peeved.” If the threats continue to grow, the security levels may be raised to “irritated” or even “a bit cross.” (The English have not seen “a bit cross” sin...

A very Canadian joke

It's Grey Cup weekend in Vancouver... the Stampeders are playing the Argonauts at BC Place, and fans are flying in from all over the country to watch the game and join in the festivities.

It's kind of chaotic at the domestic arrivals terminal at YVR. Air Canada and WestJet flights are arrivin...