Kim Jong-Un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of...

Did you see the news about the fight that broke out when they played the wrong national anthem for the winning team at the Asian table tennis finals?

The headline read "Hong Kong Ping Pong Sing Song Ding Dong".

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An RCMP officer stopped at Sandy Bay First Nations and talked to an elderly Indigenous gentleman standing on the road.

He told the old man, "I need to inspect this land for illegally grown drugs."

"Okay," the elder said reluctantly, "but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed to the location. The officer verbally exploded & said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government...

Nation dialogue

You know, I was very Hungary one day, so I went to go Czech the fridge. I managed to find some Turkey that was leftover from Thanksgiving, but it was all covered in Greece. So I closed the fridge and Czech'd the pantry. I saw a Canada beans, so I grabbed them and microwaved them, but it exploded. My...

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There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and unstoppable. As each wrestlers legends grew, a match was set up between the two, America versus Russia. The match would be held in Texas.

John began training immediately. Every day his coach would tell him, “This Russ ...

Why is the National Rifle Association filing for bankruptcy?

Because schools are closed.

Being the king of an extremely rich nation can get to you sometimes...

Don't get me wrong, I love the pampering, the amazing food and the world class treatment I get wherever I happen to be. However, it does get a little too much when you constantly see people wait on you hand and foot. I get assistance in almost all the activities I perform. I am a grown adult for cry...

[LIGHTLY POLITICAL] North Korea is a horrible nation to its citizens, why can't it be more like South Korea?

Because North Korea has no Seoul.

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The leaders of the free world gather to discuss the problems of a struggling nation

The French start: "The Age of Enlightenment started here. We'll help spread progressive ideas."

The Germans follow: "We have a very stable economy, we'll help lower national debt."

The Japanese join in: "Our scientist are the best in the world. We pledge to help battle the spreading di...

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In the future Mexico became the wealthies, most transparent, most peaceful, most progressive, most developed and most prosperous nation in the Americas while the US became a 3th world shithole.

As such many Mexicans decided to move back to Mexico but among them there were also Americans trying to emmigrate. As such the border checks were supposed to make sure that those going in Mexico were Mexicans and not American immigrants.


A man aproaches the border and is asked: "What's yo...

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Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

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Shit Hole Countries is a terrible term to describe underdeveloped nations

The proper term is Turd World.

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Bicycles are bad for national economy

Oh Yes Mr. Reader, Bicycles are bad for national economy, even if its sounds ridiculous but it is always true that: -

Cycling is a danger to the country

Now reasons:

• He doesn't buy cars

• He doesn't take loans

• He does not insure the car

• He doesn't b...

April 5th national read a map day

Got an email from Google Earth proudly stating that they can read maps backwards.

I thought to myself, "That's just spam."

Today is National Weed Appreciation Day.

Or as Snoop Dogg likes to call it, “My whole week.”

A week ago Thursday was National Procrastination Day. . . .

Time to celebrate!

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One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
Americ...

advisor: Mr. President, you need to give a Christmas address to the nation.

Trump: Just tell them to send my presents to Mar-a-Lago.

Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo...

We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds...

Just been told a woman won the grand national. Unbelievable.

No chance my missus would get over all those fences.

There's this new guy on my bowling team. His name is Frank, and he's a really nice guy and an excellent bowler, but there's just one thing about him.

At the end of every game, Frank says, "Next game, I might be five minutes late." The rest of us guys find it really annoying. He almost always shows up right on time, but still, he always says, "Next game, I might be five minutes late."

One day we decided that we wanted to find out why he alw...

National Bank of USA decides to save some money on coin making...

so they buy a cheap coin making machine made in China.

Soon enough, it stops working, and the bank sends an engineer to fix it. As he looks into the machine, he realises that the hardware is completely different from american, and he does not understand anything about this Chinese coin making...

April 4th National School Librarian Day

I asked the librarian if she would direct me to the self-help books.
She said, “that sort of defeats the purpose doesn’t it?”

Joe Biden says he’s going to restore the “soul” of our nation...

...the McRib will now be available nationwide for the first time since 2012.

Two very old men of unimportant european nationality meet

While talking, one asks: "You watching the football game?" (Soccer for our American friends)

The other says: "Who's playing?"

"Austria-Hungary", says the first.

"Against whom?"

What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexia Association

I just Googled, "National Bird Of Syria"

And a picture of a drone popped up.

Happy National Parade Day!!!

March Fourth!!!

Told to me by my 6 y/o daughter

People are currently shooting fireworks off in my neighborhood. I'm usually all for shooting fireworks to celebrate the founding of the greatest nation on Earth, but come on...

Canada Day was yesterday!

After the COVID-19 pandemic winds down, we should honor truck drivers with a national holiday on October 4th.

A big 10-4, if you will.

If Kanye West actually won the US Election and became the president, I think he would turn America into a communist nation.

Because he believes no one man should have all that power.

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As a child, my wife wanted to become a mechanic for National Express but never followed that dream, which is a shame.

I'd love to see her under a fucking bus.

I visited the National Air and Space Museum.

I believe the title is misleading because it's actually full of stuff.

Therapy for my dad is like education for developing nations

It will solve most of their problems

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The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

What's Santa's nationality?

North Polish.

Today is National Puzzle Day and National Corn Chip Day

I thought of a joke, but couldn't quite piece it together. Side note: corn chip puzzles are difficult to assemble but they taste good!

Thank goodness it's my first cake day!

The Alien Visitors

The Alien space craft landed and was met by dignitaries from all nations.

The Ambassador from another galaxy approached the podium and began his speech. He had an odd western accent to his voice as he said. "Humans of earth ; we have been monitoring your transmissions for some time, and some ...

I don't care what the liberal media says about the election. Come January, my national leader isn't going to change, and his name starts with T, R, and U.

It's Justin Trudeau. I'm Canadian.

The Slovakian King wanted to marry off his daughter to the monarch of a neighboring nation to build diplomacy...

I guess he needed a Czechmate

Cinco de Mayo and the Titanic

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England .

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico , which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York ..
...

The national bird of prey hospice had their annual play shut down by the authorities.

Apparently it was an ill-eagle act.

There were 3 men in a brothel. One going up the stairs, one in going down the stairs, and one in a room. What were their nationalities?

The man going up the stairs was Russian.

The man going down the stairs was Finnish.

And the man in the room, Himalayan.

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The head of an organized crime syndicate realized his accountant had been skimming money from him for years.

Unfortunately the accountant only spoke Russian. So the boss hired a Russian interpreter and busted into the accountant’s home.

He tells to the interpreter, “tell him I want to know where my money is, AND I WANT TO KNOW RIGHT NOW!!” The interpreter conveys the message in Russian and the acco...

A man calls the National Security Agency...

Man: Hello, I heard you record all our phone conversations, is that correct?

Agent: No sir, we don't do that

Man: Oh shoot. I was just talking to my wife and she gave me a list of things to do and I can't remember! I thought I would check with you rather than call her back and let her ...

What did the politician honeybee call his cable news show?

Poll-a-Nation

(Pollination)

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I miss the good old days when the president only lied to us to protect national security.

Or to hide a blowjob from his wife.

Alabama leads nation in fewest covid related deaths.

They have been marking uncles, fathers, and brothers as the same person when they die.

I haven't seen my friend since he started working for Finland's national airline

He disappeared into Finnair.

The United Kingdom is to provide special support to those self-identify as gnomes, fairies or pixies...

It'll be known as the National Elf Service.

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"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

What genre are national anthems?

Country.

During a national water shortage, a mother and daughter were sharing a shower.

The daughter looks at her mother and then down at herself and says "What's that?"

Thinking quickly, the mother says, "That's your garage... and you must never let a boy park his car in it."

Next door, a father and his son were also sharing a shower. The son looks at his dad and then do...

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Happy National Limerick Day!! Here's the classic one for you if you didnt know it.

There once was man from Nantucket

Who's dick was so long he could suck it

He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin

If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it.

Edit: Thanks for the great Limericks all of you who contributed. I've been laughing aloud and to tears!
Happ...

Captain John McGrue was one of the most respected explorers

Born in England, he became known for his seafaring skills at a young age. At the age of 20, he heard the legends of the greatest drinks in the world, a quest many explorers had tried, but unfortunately none could complete the trip. McGrue was talked out of it by every friend, until at 28, already an...

A coworker competing with me for a promotion sent me this message: "armed conflict between different nations or states or different groups within a nation or state."

This means war.

Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game.

It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.

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I was sitting at the bar enjoying a drink to myself When next thing the door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on.

5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had...

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

What do you tell a group of people who recently seceded from their country due to disagreements over the right to pee?

You're a nation

Beavers are great dam builders and Canada's national animal.

That's why Canada is the best damn country in the world!

The big questions

VLADIMIR Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, so Little Sasha ...

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A literal version of 'your joke, but better': I got a tattoo of my girlfriend's name on my penis...

...in full, the tattoo says "FOR AMY" on it.

So I went to a bar, had a few drinks, went to take a leak, and noticed the guy next to me had "FOUR EARTH" tattooed on his.

I couldn't help but laugh and say to him "First off, you misspelled "FOR", secondly, you really think you'll get ever...

After release from prison, a group of house burglars were hired by the national marijuana museum. Unfortunately they were fired, as after 3 days, they had only managed to set up a single item for display.

Guess they spent too long casing the joint.

I recently got a new girlfriend. Shes from a different nation.

My imagination.

"You know when you go to a garage sale, and you find a dusty old box of National Geographics? Yeah, well you're kind of like that....

You've got issues going way back."

Robert Mugabe, an unpopular dictator from an African nation, visited Israel with his top government officials.

Unfortunately, he died during the visit. The Israelis offered to bury him in Israel for free, explaining that it will save money that can be used to help the poor people of his country. His entourage discussed the proposition and declined the offer saying that they'd rather bring back the remains of...

Death Row Prisoners revolted and made their own government

I don't really believe in it - it's a condemned-nation.

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It’s national sex day, and the only thing I’m Fucking

Is sad

Who knew? Ireland was the world's wealthiest nation.

Well, their capital is always Dublin.

Celebrate, it's national punctuation day! Let's eat, Grandma

Let's eat Grandma.

House Speaker: I now invite Bill de Blasio, the president of the United States to give his address to the nation.

Bill de Blasio : 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington DC. Thank you!!

An American man gets married to a British woman

Before the big night, his father tells him: "Tonight I want you to carry your wife in your arms to show her that the US is a strong nation.

Then I want you to throw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation


And finally I want you to take of your clothes to show her ...

In the time of the Holy Roman Empire

There was a chronic shortage of hay with which to feed the Army's horses. So much so that the Emperor issued a mandate that restricted its use, even going as far as cutting in half the width of all brooms.

This became standard use and over time no one questioned it. With the exception of lowl...

What is the proper term for a nation without coherent leadership?

Unpresidented

The United States is currently in an unpresidented situation.

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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian.....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Camer...

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A good (and very old) joke to explain why people are stocking up on necessities

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. ...

Does anyone know if Jerry Falwell Jr. is still scheduled to speak at the Republican National Convention?

Or is he just going to sit in the corner and watch?

Welcome to Australia!

A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"

"Pleasure," he replies.

"Anything to declare?"

"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie ...

Trump decides he is going to reinvigorate the space program. He calls his advisors together and says, “the US will be the first nation to have astronauts land on the sun.”

His advisors go quiet. Someone says, “Mr President, nothing can come within a few million miles from the sun without getting burned up.”

Trump says, “I know that, but my vast knowledge of science has given me a solution.”

“We send them at night.”

German tourist visits Poland

Guy at the airport: Nationality?

German dude: German

Guy at the airport: Occupation?

German dude: Nein, nein, only vacation.

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This thing is closing schools, paralyzing the nation and fucking new yorkers

We need to call it COVID9/11

"I started dating a girl from another nation"

"Oh really? Which one?

" Imagination"

National Sarcasm Society

Like we need your support...

Did you hear how there's a national coin shortage?

The U.S. Mint's production of about 1 billion coins per month has been slowed due to COVID-19 safety precautions for the workers.

The good news is that they've overcome the bottlenecks and will be overclocking their machines for increased production. They plan on averaging 1.65 billion coins ...

I'm in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend. He's from another nation.

My imagination.

What is Donald Trump's favourite nation?

Discrimination

Comedians like Chris Farley and George Carlin were so good, they're a national treasure

Well, they used to be anyway


Now they're just buried treasure

Regardless of skin color, nationality, or religion, as a species, we are all meant to be friends and brothers

After all, we are *homie sapiens*

I played the USSR national anthem on my Lenovo laptop...

... now it's a Leninovo

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After a two year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's ball-related recreational preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is basketball.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.

3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.

5. Th...

This week everyone kept posting about "National Dog Day."

Gotta be honest... I can't tell the national dogs from the local ones.

Girlfriend

A friend and I were talking the other day.

Friend: do you have a girlfriend?

Me: yes I do

Friend: nice! Where is she now?

Me: she's in another nation

Friend: oh which nation?

Me: Imagi-nation

The border guard asks Napoleon ‘Can you tell me your nationality?’

‘Course I can.
Corsican.’

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A hunter shoots a duck and it falls on First Nations land...

The Hunter goes to get it, and a native man stops him. "This duck is on my land, so it's mine."

The hunter argues that he shot it, so it's his.

They go back and forth for some time, and finally the native says, "My people have a tradition here for settling disputes - we take turns kick...

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculatio...

What did the dad say after dropping his son off at Yellowstone National Park?

Bison!

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How could Donald Trump ever get elected in this great nation?

...said the country pissed off that the super bowl didn’t play music from spongebob.

A pit for each nation in hell

A man dies and he gets a guided tour of hell from the devil, before he can go to heaven.

First they see a huge pit full of hot tar, and people screaming in agony. There's barbed wire around the pit, and guards with rifles.

The man asks: What's this?

And the devil says: this pit ...

On the parade ground of an army camp full of national service recruits.

The Sergeant is not known for his diplomacy and constantly screams at the recruits. At the end of one parade, just before giving the order to fall out he shouts out “Private Brown, your mother has died. Fall out!” Private Brown simply collapses in shock.

The Captain hears this and shakes his ...

What do Walter Reed and Trump National have in common?

Both are places where Trump doesn't count his strokes accurately.

Join my new national campaign and ban pre-grated cheese.

so we can make Britan grate again

Ass hat with a badge

Been around for a while but haven't seen it lately.

One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard, gets out, and asks an old gentleman, "who owns the property?" The old fella tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer, “I’m here to insp...

80% of Swedish nationals report enjoying the lockdown despite having initially rejecting it. They say it makes them more productive.

Personally, I think it’s just a case of Stuckhome syndrome.

George W. Bush, Barack Obama, and Donald Trump are dead and stand in front of god.

God asks Bush: “So? What do you believe in?”

Bush answers: “I believe in a free market, a strong America and a United nation.”

God says: “Very good. Why don’t you take a seat to my right.” And Bush takes his seat.

He turns to Obama and asks: “And what do you believe in?”
...

It's easy to explain why so many national governments are in shambles today. Empires used to be run by emperors. Kingdoms were run by kings.

And now we have countries...

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Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.

As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.


"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what ki...

The shovel is a ground breaking invention, but it was the invention of the broom that truly swept the nation by storm. However, the invention of the wheel got things rolling...

And I’m just here wondering why our feet smell and our nose run...

Some may say the democratic national convention is where we nominate the president

I think it’s just a political party

In sweden we have what is called Bellman jokes

Disclaimer: Carl Michael Bellman was a swedish author, singer, composer etc. For no particular reason swedes tell jokes about him. Usually involving him and two other guys from different nationalities. Bellman usually wins out in the end somehow.

On to the joke

There was once a Ge...

What nation has caused the largest population growth since 1970?

Insemination.

My girlfriend lives in another nation, far, far away.

It's my imagination.

In which nation do you get laid very easily?

Imagination.

What did the part First Nations, part French-Canadian pirate say after boiling a kettle on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey. I'm Métis. I made tea. I'm eighty.

France's's National Cheese Museum just blew up

Over five hundred people were injured by de brie

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