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In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we cur...

A man has a defective clock and takes it to the German workshop.

The guy says, "My clock is busted. Instead of the usual 'tick tock' it goes 'tick tick tick'. Can you fix this?" The German shop owner says, "I see. Follow me." The owner leads the man into a dark ominous room and places the clock on a wooden chair and straps it. He then proceeds to light up a sin...

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An old pilot is telling some schoolchildren about his days in the airforce. He says, "so there were 3 fuckers to the right of me, 1 fucker behind me and 2 fuckers to my left". The teacher interrupts, "you see children, the Fokker was a German plane".

The pilot replies, "that may be, but these fuckers were in Messerschmidts".

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Each time me and my german girlfriend have sex, she rates me out of 10

Last night we tried anal and she couldn't stop screaming 9. That's the best I've ever gotten.

An Englishman,a Frenchman,a Spaniard and a German are watching a juggling show

The juggler notices that they have a poor view and stands on a box.
He then says”Can you see me now?”

And they answer:

“Yes”

“Oui”

“Si”

“Ja”

A German tourist comes to France

...a border control asks him

"Occupation?"

German: No just visiting.

What do you called a blind German?

A not-see

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German:*whips out penis* Girl:"Gross!"

German:"Danke."

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What do German Miners call their penis?

Mein Schaft.

A German walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks for a martini. "Dry?" the bartender asks. "Nein." says the German. "Just one for now.

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There's this German shepherd who comes to take a shit on my lawn every single day...

This morning, that fucker brought his dog along.

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German Girlfriend

My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal.

She kept yelling 9.

That’s the best I’ve ever done.

I‘m developing a phobia of german sausage

I fear the wurst

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. They're very efficient, and not very funny.

Germans are not funny.

Because they have the wurst jokes.

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Why does the Germans make the filthiest porn?

Because they stopped making soap years ago.

A German man visits America for holiday.

The TSA officer asks: "Occupation?"

The man says: "No, only holiday!"

A Brittish ship calls the German coastguard

"MAYDAY! WE ARE SINKING! I REPEAT WE ARE SINKING!"

"Zis iz the German coastguard. What are you sinking about?"

I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.

I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

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First visit to America as German guy!

I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by.
She saw my penis and shouted "GROSS!"

I shouted back "DANKE!"

I went to the club last night, chatted up this German chick and asked her for her number.

and you’ll never believe it her number is 999-999-9999.

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What do the colors in the German flag stand for?

Black: cars

Red: sausages

Yellow: beer

Blue: jews

An english man, french, israeli, spanish and german are watching a street performance. The performer stands on a box and asks," Can you see me?"

The english answers" Yes"

The french answers"we"

The israeli answers "ken"

The spanish answers "si"

The german answers" ya"

A weird little German kid just handed me a bunch of yellow metal

Thanks for the gold, strange kinder

What doe you call a German pregnancy?

Kinder surprise!

I was at a Christmas party with a stunning German girl . . .

I noticed she was standing directly underneath a Mistletoe. I approached her and asked flirtatiously 'Ooh, what's that little thing above you?'

'Its called an Umlaut.'

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

The British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be d...

Why did the German carry three umbrellas?

Because he wanted to stay drei

During WWII why did every German U-Boat have a dog for a mascot?

So they could have a sub-woofer.

Did you hear about the German Baker that...

... was arrested for handling Stollen goods?

A German goes into a bar

A big German man walks into an American bar slaps his hand down and orders a beer, then says very loudly....." when I drink, everyone drinks" the crowd in the bar cheers loudly and starts drinking. Finished with his beer, he slaps the bar again orders another, and very loudly again says, "when I dri...

Why should pigs stay away from a German butcher?

He brings out the wurst in them.

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A Brazilian and a German sit at a bar. The Brazilian says: “You crushed us 7:1 at the World Cup, let’s not talk about soccer, ok?”

Ger: No problem. So what do you wanna talk about? Sex?

Bra: Yeah sure.

Ger: Man, did we fuck you.

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A German Tourist jumps into a freezing Lake to save a little puppy

he climbs out and hands the owner the dog and says :"here is ze dog, keep him warm and dry him off he vill be fine."

the owner asks :"are you a vet?"

"Vet?? I'm fucking soaking!"

A German girl took me back to her apartment

We started making out, slowly moving to the bed. I took her clothes off and she took mine. I started thrusting her and she screamed "Noch! Noch!".
It killed the mood when her brother Hans asked "Who's there? " from the other room.

What do Germans call the SS?

The ß

I made a 1:1000 000 scale model german submarine

it's a pretty good μ-boat

How many lives does a dead German cat have?

Nein

I hate jokes about German sausages.

They’re the wurst.

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(NSFW) I was having mind blowing sex last night with this German girl.

It was incredible, my only concern was she kept screaming her age.

I got food poisoning from this years German Market

It was the wurst

A German sneaks into a swiss bank:

"I want to invest one million euros." he whispers.

The banker says: "You can talk aloud, poverty is no shame in Switzerland."

I went to a German massage parlour earlier

Whole experience was pretty hans on

Why do German girls all have the same phone number?

Seriously, every one of them I ask says 999-9999

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat die and go to heaven. God greets the three and asks each what they believe in. First God asks the German Shepherd who replies, "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master." God says, "This is good, you can sit here at my right hand."

Next, God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies, "I believe in love and protecting my master." God says, "Wonderful, you can sit here at my left."

Finally, God asks the cat what he believes in and the cat replies, "I believe you are in my seat."

How to say goodbye in German.

How to say goodbye in German.

See ya lader, hosen!

I scared a German the other day

I was in Berlin at a beer garden, so I decided to get a brew in one of their traditional mugs (with the metal tippy cap). After the beer, I got hungry and went for a sausage. The guy was horrified when I told him to save a plate and just put the sausage in my mug. I guess Germans really are afraid o...

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A Greek, A German and An Italian get stranded after a plane crash.

They wander for days until finally they see something in the distance. They approach and are found by some local tribesmen and are accused of trespassing their village. Immediately they are led in front of the local leader:

"I am in a good mood so I will let you go if you participate in a sma...

Three Germans walk into a BAR

They get 20 shots

German Cannibals

think people are the wurst.

I was worried my meal at the German restaurant would go badly.

I was prepared for the Wurst.

In 1940, the German Army was sieging a french city in a last ditch attempt

They had nothing Toulose.

My grandad killed 50 German pilots in WW2

He wasn't a very skilled mechanic.

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

My German relatives brought me endless sausages.

Now I don't know where to start.

How do Germans sneeze?

Achtung

What did the German snake say?

"ßßßßßßß..."

Little old lady to dog owner: “Is that your German shepherd outside?”

“Yeah, so what?”
“Well, my cat just killed it.”
“Ha, how could your cat kill my dog?”
“It got stuck in his throat!”

How do you call a german sea mammal?

ADolphin!

I worked in a German factory for a few years.

I worked in a German factory a couple of years back.
So one day I was doing my usual inspection and I noticed that one of the lights in the factory had stopped working.
Being helpful, I decided that I would go up and fix it.

I didn't have a ladder so I called to another worker "hey Ha...

How does a german cowboy say hi?

Audi

Why Germans are so good at car engine manufacturing?

Because they have a lot of experience on combustion chambers

Old German joke

An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, “The soup is cold."

His astonished mother exclaimed, “Son, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken befor...

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What is the difference between a dildo and a German?

A German is a real dick.

A german fired his revolver

bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang

A stranger asked “How? A revolver only got six bullets”

”Nein!” the german replied

My grandfather killed 43 German pilots during World War 2.

Honestly though it’s on them for making an alcoholic a Luftwaffe mechanic

In Heaven the cooks are French, the policemen are English, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and the bankers are Swiss..

In Hell..


The cooks are English, the policemen are German, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss and the bankers are Italian.

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As a german you know What really grinds my gears?

When that fucker in the left Lane is only going 190 on the fucking autobahn you fucking disgrace.

German guy walks into bar

A German guy and his beautiful date sit down at a bar

He asks the bartender for a couple of martinis

The bartender ask "Dry?"

The German replies, "Nein, zwei."

A Frenchman, an Englishman, a German and a Spanish man go to a dolphin show

The dolphin jumps in the air, but the 4 men couldn’t see the dolphin
The Englishman shouts, “We can’t see you!”
The dolphin jumps higher and says “Can you see me now?” And the 4 men reply
“Yes!”
“Oui!”
“Si!”
“Ya!”

What do you call a grumpy German?

A sour kraut

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My grandfather was responsible for 49 downed German planes.

Still to this day, he holds the record for worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Fuck word to hide the post since I cant mark it as spoiler on mobile

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How the Germans bailed out Greece

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.



Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.



On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel...

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Creation of the German-Japanese Alliance, 1940

Hirohito: Thank you for phone call Mr. Fuhrer. We ask you now: you said you Aryans?

Hitler: Ja! Ze superior race! We are invincible! We will abduct your inferior race for our experiments! With our advanced weaponry we will take over zis world!

Hirohito: Very well. No more question. Th...

What did the German animal doctor wear when he went surfing?

A Vetsuit

You’ve heard of a baker’s dozen (13) but how about a German’s ten?

Its Nein.

What do you call a German barber?

Herr Cut

What do you get when experiencing rapid decompression in a German luxury automobile?

Mercedes-Bends

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A German, a Frenchman, and a Irishman walk into a pub.

The pub was known for being a wee bit of a dive. Dirty, poor service, but the three men were poor and the drinks were always cheap. They welcomed themselves into the pub and sat at the bar.

Notoriously, the service was poor. The barkeep chatted with other bar patrons for a good long while bef...

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The Germans say American beer is like having sex in a canoe.

F**king close to water.

2 Germans in a bar in London

- 2 Martini's please
- Dry?
- NEIN! ZWEI!

I'm obsessed with bad jokes about arenas said in a German accent.

You'll understand venue experience them.

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[NSFW] I used to date a German girl....

I used to date a German girl who liked to rate my sexual performance out of 10. Well one night I flipped her over and started to fuck her ass! She must have loved it because all the way through she was screaming nine nine nine!

UN was recruting new soldiers so a German, American and Chinese guy applied.

To get accepted they had to pass some tests.
The first test was infront of a forest.
The UN officer yells to the german: bring us some wood.

He runs into the forest and after half an hour he returns with hands full of branches and planks.

After that the officer yells to the Amer...

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My German girlfriend must think Im really hot

She keeps yelling "Nine Nine Nine!" when we have sex.

Do Germans like Andy Samberg TV shows?

Nein Nein!

The majority of German people wants to rebuild the Berlin Wall.

A recent survey with unemployed brick layers figured that out.

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Russian, American and German got caught by a tribe of cannibals

Cannibals told them:

\- We'll give you 2 tasks. Do them separately and we will release you

3 guys agreed

\- Ok. First task is - each one of you should bring us 10 fruits

Russian, American and German went into the forest. A few hours later, German comes back with 10 apples...

I once knew an old German soldier who took to caring for sick animals when he retired from the armed forces.

I suppose you could say he was a Veteran Aryan.

Heaven is a place...

* where the cops are british
* the chefs french
* the mechanics german
* the comedians american
* the lovers italian
* and everything is organized by the swiss

Hell is a place...

* where the cops are american
* the chefs british
* the mechanics french
* the come...

What do you get when you cross a brain tumor with a german sausage?

The wurst headache

Its 1938 and a German officer went to France for a holiday.

At the border the French staff looked at his papers and asked : "Occupation? "

The German replied: "No, no, no, just visiting this time"

German thots be like...

Guten slag

When I worked at Blockbuster back then, I had a German colleague who strictly refused to hand out "An American Tail" to customers.

He obviously had a Nein-to-Fievel job.

What do you call a blind German man in ww2

A not see


(From my German dad)

Or would this be better in dad jokes

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A german man is having vacation in Africa

He gets in a bar and sits on a table. Shortly after, the female bartender comes and serves him. As he drinks his beer he recognises some scratches in the table about 30cm from the edge.
As the bartender came again he asked: "Why are there these scratches?"
Bartender:"Yesterday 3 black men came...

During a history lesson at a German school, Little Hans raises his hand.

"Teacher," he says, "is it true that Russia has the longest streets in the world?"

"I don't know. Why do you ask?" inquires the teacher.

Little Hans replies, "Well, teacher. My grandpa told me how he crawled one street in Stalingrad for two months and never reached the end of it."

German Dream

We were talking about the American dream in class and the teacher said to a German boy if he had a German dream. He said, "We did but no-one liked it."

What does a german say after you show them a meme?

Danke.

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What did the German say when he lost his glasses?

Arch, I can nazi!

I've recently developed a paranoia for German sausages.

I feel the wurst is yet to come.

What do German poodles and Chinese noodles haves in common?

They have oodles in common!

What did the cunning linguist say to the angry german?

Why so sour, Kraut?

How does the German baker like to greet people?

Gluten tag

when two German agents walk into the pub in London during WW2

, and one of them said to the waiter:

\- Two martini please.

The waiter:

\- Dry?

\- Nein! Zwei!

Every German citizen contributes to their country through taxes...

So I guess Germany runs on krautfunding.

Why are the English, better lovers than the Germans?

Because it's only the English that can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second.

Two Englishman and two Germans Get Into A Drinking Contest

They go beer to beer with each other until the Germans pull ahead at the very end

One of the Germans exclaims “Aha! Vee have beat you at your national past time!”

One of the Englishmen replies “Yeah, but we beat you twice at yours.”

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What did the German people say about Hitler after WWII was over?

Nazi leader we wanted... Nazi leader we got.

A German, a Frenchman, an Englishman and a Brazilian appreciate the picture of Adam and Eve in Paradise.

German comments:



"Look at what perfection of bodies: she, slender and haired; he, with his athletic body, his profiled muscles. They must be Germans."



Frenchman replies:



"I don't believe it. The eroticism from the figures is evident! She, so feminine, he,...

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An Englishman, an Irishman,...

a Scotsman,a welshman, a Frenchman, a German, an Italian, a Swede, two Finns, a Norwegian, a Dane, a Greenlander, an Austrian, a Hungarian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Latvian, an Estonian, a Russian, a Turk, an Egyptian, a Palestinian, an Israeli, a Greek, a Macedonian, a Chinese guy, a Japanese guy,a ...

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"

The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediat...

I once saw a German Shepherd taking a dump on my front garden.

Then his dog came along.

Today I found out I’m part Jewish and part German

Maybe that’s why I hate myself so much

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