This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.

Yesterday, he brought his dog along.

Old German joke

An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, “The soup is cold."

His astonished mother exclaimed, “Son, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken befor...

In Germany, A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"


"Yes."

"Oui."

"Si."

"Ja."

How many Germans do you need to change a light bulb?

One. They are efficient but not funny.

My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.

Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.

What's the German word for bra?

Keepsemfromfloppin

Germans are so nice.

It's almost like they're trying to make up for something.

Never trust German butchers!

They said they had the best sausages in the world

But they kept showing me their wurst.

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII...

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII. He was placed into a detention cell and soon a neatly uniformed SS officer comes to interrogate him.

“Vhere is your unit based?” asks the officer in accented English. But the soldier looks him dead in the eyes and says only “Tick t...

A German, a French and an English survives a plane crash at Pacific...

Before they figure out what to do, a local tribe captures and bring them to their village. As they enter to the village , a mighty chieftain appears. He goes next to the German and asks : “ Death?! or Onga-Bonga?!”

German answers with fear and hesitation “Onga-Bonga” without knowing meaning...

Australian Olympic hurdler sees another athlete at the track carrying a long stick and asks him, 'are you a pole vaulter?'

He replies (in an accent) 'No,
actually I'm from Germany
and how did you know my name was Walter?'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My German girlfriend likes to rate my in-bed performance from 0-10

Last night we tried anal, she kept yelling 9. That's the best I’ve ever done!

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"

The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediat...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

WW2: an Italian officer, an imperial Japanese officer and a German officer got captured

They all sit in a cell and wait to be interrogated by the Allies.
The German says: "My superior genetics will let me withstand every torture! I won't tell them anything!"
The Japanese says: "I will never dishonor my country and tell them our secrets!"
The Italian says: "I guess I'm fucked."...

A German lifesaver carries a dog that nearly drowned from the beach...

He plopped it down on the sand and did CPR, as the dog's owner watched nervously from aside.

The dog spat out water and stood up— the lifesaver saved it.

"Oh my goodness, thank you so much for saving my dog!" the owner said, "Are you a vet?"

"Vet? VET???" the German excalimed, "...

A Polish police officer pulls over a German tourist.

Officer: Good day, license and registration, please.

The tourist gives his license and registration to the police officer.

Officer: What is your age?

Tourist: 31 years old.

Officer: Occupation?

Tourist: No, just visiting.

A Russian, a German and an American walk into a bar...

I ducked.

Why do all german exchange students fail math?

Because nobody wants to see their final solution.

A German coast guard and an English ship

A German coast guard is doing maintenance on the shores of the North Sea near France. They come upon an English ship which seems to be sinking.

The captain of the English ship shouts to the coast guard, "Mayday mayday, we're sinking!"

The German coast guard then replies, " What are you...

I have the mind of a German Shepherd and the body of and old man...

...and they are both in the trunk of my car.

I have a german philosophy joke, but I don't think you'll get it

It's pretty Nietzsche

Did you hear the joke about the German sausage?

It was the wurst.

A German was packing his luggage for holiday when his wife interrupts him...

"I hope you're not going to bring sausages again", she said, "They exploded everywhere last time and caused a frightful scene!"

"It'll be fine", He said, "Stop worrying about the wurst case scenario".

German Dream

We were talking about the American dream in class and the teacher said to a German boy if he had a German dream. He said, "We did but no-one liked it."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the German clean his window?

He could Nazi out of it.

My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.

He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe

Marsians took an American, a German and a Russian prisoners. They locked each of them in a separate room and gave each one a 10 litre bottle of vodka, stating that that whoever manages to drink all of his will be set free, otherwise they will be executed.

The next morning the Marsians discover the American, dead on the floor, having drunk only 1 litre.

In the next room, the see the German, passed out, having drunk only three litres. They take him to the pit of death where he is executed.

The Russian however, was banging on the door all ...

I built a 1:1000000 model of a German submarine.

It’s a pretty good µ-boat.

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his fath...

In WWII, what did the German officer say to the clock that ticked?

Ve have vays of making you tock...

A German shepherd walks into a bar

and says “Hey, I’m a talking dog. Other dogs can do tricks, but have you ever heard one talk? How about a drink for a dog who’s articulate and erudite?"


The bartender says, “Sure, the toilet’s there, first door on the right.”

I've deleted all my German friends from my mobile phone.

It's now Hans-free.

My grandfather shot down 20 German bombers in the war.

Poor Friedrich, he was never cut out to be a fighter pilot.

Two germans are on vacation

France had closed the border at Germany, so they couldn't get through. The germans enter through Belgium instead.

The german baby

A couple adopts a german baby, and eagerly wait for its first words. The baby turns one,...then two...and three...and nothing, the parents begin to worry, and have him examined by a doctor, but the doctor can find nothing wrong...another year goes by, and still nothing.

One day, when he's fo...

What brand of chocolate is popular with German priests?

Kinder

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dutch joke about Belgians

Three international construction workers are working on a skyscraper in Rotterdam. A German, a Belgian, and a Dutch guy.

Every noon they eat their respective lunches at the top of the unfinished tower. The German guy opens up his lunchbox and sighs: "Bratwurst und Kartofflen, I hate Bratwurs...

How many puppies did the German-Shepard have?

Nine.

How much did the German, fistbump-loving, traditional baker charge for his coin collection?

Pump per nickel.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a German WWII vet who still holds on to a bit of the old Nazi ideology?

A Veterinarian

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between German porn and The Ghostbusters?

German porn doesn't wait until the end of the movie to cross the streams.

What time signature is most German music written in?

Nein four.

How do German bakers greet you?

Gluten tag!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A german in an Australian restaurant

"May I have a bloody steak?"

Waiter: "do you want some fucking potatoes with it?"

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a Cat have died

All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.

The German Shepherd Says: "I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my master."

"Good," says God, "then sit down on my right side."

"Doberman, what do you believe in?" Asks God.

The Doberman Ans...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A German Shepherd walks into a Western Union

He goes up to the window, noses a form toward the clerk, and seems to indicate he wants to send a message.


The clerk is amused and laughs a little as she says, "okay, boy, what do you want it to say?"


The dog barks, "Woof-woof, woof-woof-woof, woof, woof-woof."
...

A German tourist visiting the US went into a bar and asked for a martini

“Dry?” asked the bartender. The German replied, “Nein, just one.”

What is a German group called when they can´t get into the club?

Sour Krauts.

​

Ps: I am a German myself.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be d...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American, a German and a priest are at an orphanage.

Suddenly there is a fire. Flames are everywhere.

The German says: Comon ihr Dumpfbacken. I can not see. But we have to save all ze children. Lets goooo.

The American: No way mr. Sauerkraut. Let's get the hell outa here. Fuck all the children.

The priest is looking surprised for ...

What noise does a German snake make?

ßßßßßßßßßß

Why don't Germans like sausage jokes?

Because they are about the wurst.

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

A German father and his son walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and says to the father: "Well, I'm definitely not going to serve your Kind in here."

An Englishman, Frenchman, Spaniard, and German

all head down the street when they notice a crowd huddled around a street preformer. His juggling routine is the best the town has ever seen.

Before he begins his grand finale, he notices the stragglers in the back and asks "does everybody have a good view?"

"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sí"
"...

I hired a German plumber the other day to fix my shower.

He accidentally connected the gas supply to the water supply.

I guess old habits die hard.

A German traveling to Poland stops at a Polish Border Security Point.

Polish Border Control Officer: "Nationality?" German: "German" Polish Boder Control Officer: "Occupation?" German: "No, just visiting"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Germans are weird

In my recent trip to Germany I managed to hook up with this really cute German girl, but for some reason she just kept yelling her age during sex..

Struggling German meatpacker conciels rancid meat in its sausage blend.

Went from bad to wurst.

Did you hear about the chihuahua that killed the German Shepherd

It got stuck in its throat.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a pissed off German?

Sauerkraut

A German is trying to to make his way to Paris

At the border, the French customs agent asks him

“Name?”

“Hans Mueller.”

“Place of residence?”

“Munich.”

“Occupation?”

“No, just vacation this time.”

Why are single German women so rude?

Cuz they don't have any Männer

What do you call a thankful German piece of internet content?

Danke, meme.

What do Germans call a confession you give with a gun to your head?

A Glock and spiel

I asked a German girl if she was afraid of any numbers

She said 9

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In WW2, what did the Germans have that the Japanese didn't?

Ace pilots.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a German, and an American are on a plane flying over the South Pacific.

The pilot suddenly announces; "Sorry gents, but looks like our plane is overloaded. Three of you are going to have to take a parachute and jump out, and I'll have them send a rescue plane back for you."

First the Englishman gets up, grabs a parachute, and steps out the plane, shouting; "God s...

You know what they say about German laxatives

They bring out the wurst in you

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Russian, a Frenchman and a German...

...go high diving at a swimming pool. They each get to wish for a liquid to jump in.

The russian goes first. He gets up the tower, of course, wishes for vodka and so he lands ina pool full of vodka.

Next up was the Frenchman. He climbed the tower, shouted "Wine!" and he jumped into t...

So my clock only went "tick tick tick"...

and I took it in to a German watchmaker. He looked at it menacingly and said "Ve have vays of making you tock."

A German goes on holiday to France. He gets to passport control and the woman asks "Occupation?"

"No, just visiting." Said the guy.

What does German Santa Claus have in his workshop?

11's

How do Germans tie their shoes?

With little knotsies

My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2

He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

In heaven, the English are the Police, the Germans are the organizers, the French are the cooks, the Italians are the lovers and the Swiss are the engineers.

In hell, the English are the cooks, the Germans are the Police, the French are the engineers, the Italians are the organizers, and the Swiss are the lovers.

(I love you all, my european brethren! ;) )

I asked a German girl for her phone number.

She told me it was 999-999-9999.

Two german tourists walk into an american bar

One of them says:

"-We would like a martini please!"

The bartender responds:

"-Dry?"

"-Nein, zwei"

A german guy rescues a dog from drowning

then the owner of the dog says to him: "Thank you so much! Are you a vet?" to which the german guy responds with "I'm not just vet! I'm soaked!"

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Pole were captured by the Germans and thrown into prison.

However, the guard was rather kind towards them, and said, "I am going to lock you away for five years, but I'll let you have anything you want now before I lock you away."

The Englishman says, "I'll have five years' supply of beer!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his beer....

German couple on the Autobahn. He drives, she wakes up after a nap, looks over and asks him:"Why are you going 180kph??"

"Because the road looks slippery."

So this British couple adopt a German baby...

... and as it grows from a babe-in-arms, to a toddler, it never makes a sound.

As the child grows into a young boy, he stays silent and it gets to the point where his adopted parents are really worried.

As the boy gets older, he still never says a word.

Then one day, the family ...

An Englishman, Frenchman, Spaniard and German are watching a street performer do some impressive juggling

As they watch him he throws flaming sticks in the air and twists them between his fingers before catching them with ease, he decides to start the next part of the act and slowly climbs up a tall ladder. Once at the top he spies the four men at the back, behind everyone in the audience who appear to ...

Two German doctors in their 90's chat about past times.

The first one asks: "Hans, did you ever have any professional blunder?"


"I haven't", Hans responds "Yet, there's one thing that went horribly wrong."

He continues: "I didn't know Hitler was dyslexic, when he cut himself I shouldn't have recommended an antiseptic cleansing".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An american, a german and an albanian.

An american, a german and an albanian got caught by the devil. The devil transformed into a shark and said:
"Each one if you will throw something in this lake and ill look for it. If i find it i get your soul, and if I don't you become emortal."
The american goes first and throws a pebble. Ten...

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are having a philosophical debate.

The question arises: What separates man from the animals?


"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the hights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."


"I disagree," announces the Italian. "...

A French, English, and Italian are captured by Germans...

A French, English, and Italian are captured by Germans, who want to get information out of them. They tie their legs to a wooden chair and their hands behind it and have all the chairs lined up.

​

First, they go to the French man. Before they lay a single hit on them, he te...

What do you call a game where Germans throw bread at each other

Gluten tag

Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

What do Germans use to clean their shoes?

Polish.

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.


edit: danke kind stranger for the gold, I will put it in my grandchildrens Sparbuch of course

edit2: the thing with the anti joke is that its not really an anti joke in German, what makes it more hilarious, for, you know... Germans.

As a vegan eating with the German side of my family at Christmas can be tough. I'm too scared to tell them I am vegan so I explained that I had a crippling phobia of meat.

I feared the wurst.

Some German cars are very quiet.

They are barely audi-ble

An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer

The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"

Told a German exchange student about the American Dream.

Afterward I asked if him if Germans had a dream like that. He said "We used to but nobody liked it"

As a spectator at the last Summer Olympics, I saw a guy walking around carrying a 10 foot long stick...

"Are you a pole vaulter?" I asked.

"No," he responded. "I'm a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

Do you think Germans can count past eight?

Nein

What did the German patron say to the pimp?

“Lead yer hoes in.”

My wife is a terrible cook. Tonight she's making German sausage.

I'll hope for the best, and prepare for the wurst

As a German, you know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. Our engineering is flawless.