I made a 1:1000 000 scale model german submarine

it's a pretty good μ-boat

An old Russian man wants to visit his old friend in Germany.

An old Russian man remembers a good friend he had in east Germany, and he decides he should go check up. He doesn't have enough money for a plane, however, so he decides he will drive. The next morning he and his wife get into their car and start driving. Several hours go by on the empty road and af...

Its 1938 and a German officer went to France for a holiday.

At the border the French staff looked at his papers and asked : "Occupation? "

The German replied: "No, no, no, just visiting this time"

At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He looked surprised and said, "No, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

A German Shepherd, Doberman, and a cat die and go to heaven.

God greets the three and asks each what they believe in.

First God asks the German Shepherd who replies "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master". God says " this is good, you can sit here at my right hand."

Next God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.

Yesterday, he brought his dog along.

Old German joke

An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, “The soup is cold."

His astonished mother exclaimed, “Son, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken befor...

How do you greet German bread?

Gluten tag

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog who was drowning...

After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off he vill be fine", I said "are you a vet?", He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking!"

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

​

"Y...

I asked a German kid “Does 4+5=10?”

He said “NEIN!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a rude German?

A Deutsche-bag!

I bet you did Nazi that coming :)

How many Germans do you need to change a light bulb?

One. They are efficient but not funny.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How the Germans bailed out Greece

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.

​

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

​

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, ...

Shortly after the Chernobyl incident...

...China, America, and Germany came too help with their state of the art cleanup robots, and sent them out to show them off to each other.

The Chinese robot broke down even before it could reach the cleanup site.

The Americans cheered as their robot performed its task in the highly i...

In Germany, A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

What’s the German word for “bra?”

Holdsemfromfloppin

Why do Germans always have a tiny living room?

They tried and failed to expand it before.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performance on a scale from 1 to 10

Last night we tried anal and she kept screaming 9. It's the best I ever did.

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unb...

Have you heard about the cult of teenage girls who worship the German physicist Georg Simon Ohm?

In schools everywhere, you can hear them praying in the hallways: "Ohm, my God!"

What does the German engineer call his very small bicycle?

His microfarad.

I think my German buddy has an imaginary friend

He keeps asking me if I "See Kyle"

German Knock Knock Joke

Knock Knock

Who's there?

The Gestapo

The Gestapo wh-

VE VILL ASK ZE QUESTIONS

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

1. They’re efficient and don’t have a sense of humor

Two dogs, a Doberman and a German Shepherd, are in the vet's waiting room, and the German Shepherd says to the other "What are you in for?"

"Oh," says the Doberman, "I went for the postman. He said I ought to be put down, but my owner pleaded with him until he said that if she got me castrated instead then he wouldn't take it any further. So that's what I'm in for. How about you?"

"Oh," says the German Shepherd, "my owner was c...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked my german girlfriend what she thought of my dick.

She said it was gross.

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"

The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediat...

A german joke in english

Last week Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives.
A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:


cop: name?

Otto: Otto

cop: address?

Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin

cop: Occupation?

Otto: no, just visitin...

What did the German sausage say to its friend?

You are the wurst.

What does a German Cowboy say?

Audi


(I'm not sorry)

My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.

Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.

Apparently German U-boat crews used to have dogs on board as mascots.

They were subwoofers.

A ship radios the German coast guard

Ship: Help we are sinking!

German coast guard: wot are you sinking about?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What disadvantage led the German army to their defeat in World War Two?

They could nazi very well.

When on a date with a German, never ask them to get the check.

Last time, it got misheard after World War One.

If I make a meme in German

Is it a danke meme?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

WW2: an Italian officer, an imperial Japanese officer and a German officer got captured

They all sit in a cell and wait to be interrogated by the Allies.
The German says: "My superior genetics will let me withstand every torture! I won't tell them anything!"
The Japanese says: "I will never dishonor my country and tell them our secrets!"
The Italian says: "I guess I'm fucked."...

How do Germans with Celiac disease great each other?

Gluten Tag

What did the Allied forces call the German army as it retreated at the end of WWII?

A receding herr line

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American, a German, a Canadian, and a Jew are sent to a deserted island as part of a reality show.

They are told to bring one item each.

1. The American brings a smartphone

2. The German brings a book.
3. The Canadian brings a laptop
4. The Jew brings a blow up doll.

One year later, the Jew has a smartphone, a book, and a laptop.

What’s the similarity between girls into nail art and Germans?

Both remove polish with chemicals.

A German meets a fairy who is stuck in thorns

It said: Can you help me?
The German answered: What do I get?
The fairy said: You will have a wish fulfilled!
So the German helps her and wished to be a prince who lives in a great castle with an beautiful princess. Then he falls asleep.
When he wakes up, a beautiful princess is looking ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My german wife rates me in bed

Guess she likes anal when she screams nine, nine, nine.

How do you say 'bra' in German?

Das Schutzstopfempfrompflappen

German snow does not fall

It occupies

German Dream

We were talking about the American dream in class and the teacher said to a German boy if he had a German dream. He said, "We did but no-one liked it."

You know Germans are never wrong,

They're always Reich

An English couple adopt a little German boy.

After two years the child doesn’t speak and the parents are worried about him. After three years he has not spoken and by his fourth birthday he still has not uttered a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is a lovely child and on his fourth birthday they throw hi...

Germans are so nice.

It's almost like they're trying to make up for something.

The germans are developing a game where nerds get to design things

They call it mein kraft.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

What did German kids get in the after going to the doctors office in 1939-45?

Swatztickers

An American, an Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German walk into a bar...

...and don't order a thing.

The bartender, concerned that perhaps they somehow didn't notice him through the crowded bar, calls out to them. "I can help you down here!" It's a bit loud, so he calls out again. This time, the gang responds.

"Yes!"
"Oui!"
"Si!"
"Ja!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

During the German invasion of Russia, a Nazi soldier forced himself upon a helpless Russian woman.

After he was done with her, he sneered "In nine months you vill haff a son. You may call him 'Heinrich'!"

And she replied, "In three weeks time you will have a rash. You may call it 'measles'."

What did the german say when he wanted to chase someone with a piece of bread?

Gluten tag

I've said this joke so many times to my friends I get to "do you wanna" and they just stop me

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

During WW2 the allies capture a german general a Japanese general and an italian general.

They take the German general first, they take him and tie his hands behind his back. "I'm never gonna talk" he says "we'll see" says the torturers. After six hours of torture the german general confesses everything he knows. They then throw him back into the cell and take the Japanese general and ti...

What do you call a German Shepard on a Uboat?

A subwoofer.

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII...

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII. He was placed into a detention cell and soon a neatly uniformed SS officer comes to interrogate him.

“Vhere is your unit based?” asks the officer in accented English. But the soldier looks him dead in the eyes and says only “Tick t...

My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.

He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a group of 1940s German mathematicians...

They told the world they had discovered the perfect ratio of plutonium to uranium in order to create fuel capable of space travel. They said it was simple, two parts plutonium, one part uranium. However, the rest of Europe didn't believe them because they were a bunch of fibbinazis.

What do you call a blind German in the 1940s?

A not-see..

German be like:

Die France

I am German and have trouble sleeping..

Not Z

Why did the German student finish his degree so quickly?

He was afraid of Stalin grad...

I just learned the German word for "brassiere."

Holdzimfromfloppin.

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his fath...

how do germans say virgin

Goodntight

Australian Olympic hurdler sees another athlete at the track carrying a long stick and asks him, 'are you a pole vaulter?'

He replies (in an accent) 'No,
actually I'm from Germany
and how did you know my name was Walter?'

Macron said the rebuild of Notre Dame will take 2 Years and he will get the Germans to do it

Because they finished a thousand year Reich in just twelve years.

Why do all german exchange students fail math?

Because nobody wants to see their final solution.

An American, an Irish man an a German walk into a bar.

The American orders a Bud Light. The Irish man orders a Guinness. The German orders a Coke. "Why don't you drink a beer?" the American asks the German. The German answers: "If you don't drink beer I won't either."

What did American physicists say to the US government after German scientists discovered how to split atoms?

Don’t worry, theres other fission, DC.

A German prisoner is captured by an Allied force.

He knew that the American POW camps were safer and more comfortable, while in Russia, the prisoners were tortured every day.

As he arrives at the prison, the guard there began speaking,

"At the camp, we have enough rations for all the prisoners. We do not have any manual labor here ei...

A German lifesaver carries a dog that nearly drowned from the beach...

He plopped it down on the sand and did CPR, as the dog's owner watched nervously from aside.

The dog spat out water and stood up— the lifesaver saved it.

"Oh my goodness, thank you so much for saving my dog!" the owner said, "Are you a vet?"

"Vet? VET???" the German excalimed, "...

What does German cereal say when it sees the milk in the morning?

Gluten-tag

A Polish police officer pulls over a German tourist.

Officer: Good day, license and registration, please.

The tourist gives his license and registration to the police officer.

Officer: What is your age?

Tourist: 31 years old.

Officer: Occupation?

Tourist: No, just visiting.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be d...

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

A German was packing his luggage for holiday when his wife interrupts him...

"I hope you're not going to bring sausages again", she said, "They exploded everywhere last time and caused a frightful scene!"

"It'll be fine", He said, "Stop worrying about the wurst case scenario".

I have a german philosophy joke, but I don't think you'll get it

It's pretty Nietzsche

A Russian, a German and an American walk into a bar...

I ducked.

Two germans are on vacation

France had closed the border at Germany, so they couldn't get through. The germans enter through Belgium instead.

A German coast guard and an English ship

A German coast guard is doing maintenance on the shores of the North Sea near France. They come upon an English ship which seems to be sinking.

The captain of the English ship shouts to the coast guard, "Mayday mayday, we're sinking!"

The German coast guard then replies, " What are you...

My Girlfriend asked me to choose what was the best tasting sausage, a Lincolnshire sausage she bought at the shop or a German sausage she made from scratch

Hers was the wurst

A German talk show host once asked Robin Williams why he thought there wasn't much comedy in Germany

"Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?" he replied.

"No."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the German clean his window?

He could Nazi out of it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My sex partners always rate the sex from 0 to 10. Last night i had sex with a German.

I got a „Nein nein nein nein!“

Germans consider the Titanic a joke.

Which is understandable, if you sink about it.

Marsians took an American, a German and a Russian prisoners. They locked each of them in a separate room and gave each one a 10 litre bottle of vodka, stating that that whoever manages to drink all of his will be set free, otherwise they will be executed.

The next morning the Marsians discover the American, dead on the floor, having drunk only 1 litre.

In the next room, the see the German, passed out, having drunk only three litres. They take him to the pit of death where he is executed.

The Russian however, was banging on the door all ...

I have the mind of a German Shepherd and the body of and old man...

...and they are both in the trunk of my car.

What does a German Sheppard’s bark sound like?

“Voof”

I've deleted all my German friends from my mobile phone.

It's now Hans-free.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dutch joke about Belgians

Three international construction workers are working on a skyscraper in Rotterdam. A German, a Belgian, and a Dutch guy.

Every noon they eat their respective lunches at the top of the unfinished tower. The German guy opens up his lunchbox and sighs: "Bratwurst und Kartofflen, I hate Bratwurs...

What brand of chocolate is popular with German priests?

Kinder

A German traveling to Poland stops at a Polish Border Security Point.

Polish Border Control Officer: "Nationality?" German: "German" Polish Boder Control Officer: "Occupation?" German: "No, just visiting"

A German is trying to to make his way to Paris

At the border, the French customs agent asks him

“Name?”

“Hans Mueller.”

“Place of residence?”

“Munich.”

“Occupation?”

“No, just vacation this time.”

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