A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day.

The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair.They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.

The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair i...

Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found.

Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.

A German girl married a Spanish man

A German girl married a Spanish man & went to Spain. She can't speak Spanish. Each time she wants to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt& show her thighs to enable the seller understand her.

This went on for sometime. One day she wanted to buy banana. So She took her husband to...

Translated from German, I hope this works: What’s 3x3?

No

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

I have a phobia of German sausage

Yes, I fear the wurst

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Starting today I will be completely avoiding German porn.

I just want to train myself to have a Hans-free orgasm.

How does a German cowboy say hello?

Audi.

German Humor: How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A German, Japanese and Italian soldier are captured by the British during WW2 and are detained in a POW camp

First they interrogate the German. He gave up the information they needed somewhat easily, just after a few minutes of torture. He returned to the other prisoners feeling ashamed and disheartened.

Next was the Japanese soldier. He was more resilient than the German, it took the Brits several ...

Some weird German kid just gave me a gold coin.

Thanks for the gold, strange kinder!

A German and an Englishman are having a conversation in the park when suddenly a young girl falls into the lake.

They both rush in to save her, but when they emerge she’s unconscious.

The Englishman asks the German if they know the number for emergency services.

“999.”

The Englishman replies, “fine, I’ll call them myself.”

A German, an Italian and a Chinese man arrive at a logging camp up north looking for work.

The boss sees the strapping young German and says, "you look strong and fit, here's a chainsaw, go join the fellers and help cut down some trees."
Next he looks at the Italian, a bit of a belly on him and looking well fed, and says, "You look like you know your way around the kitchen, go help in ...

German: Do you like umlauts

me: No

German : Ö

As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears?

Ntohing. Our engineering is perfect.

German tourist visits Poland

Guy at the airport: Nationality?

German dude: German

Guy at the airport: Occupation?

German dude: Nein, nein, only vacation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun, a hot blonde, a German and a Frenchman are sitting in a train compartment.

They don‘t know each other and are minding their own business. The train drives into a tunnel and it gets so dark in the compartment that you could not see your own hand in front of your eyes.

Suddenly a violently loud slapping noise rips into the silence. When the train leaves the tunnel ev...

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

For German-speakers: How many helpers does Weihnachtsmann have?

Elf.

How do you call a German collecting money for charity?

Krautfunding

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

What do you call a German bra?

Stopzum firm floppën

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An East German joke:

The Leader of East Germany, Erich Honecker, opens his window in the morning and sees the sun.

Honecker: "Good Morning, sun"
The sun: "Good Morning, Honecker"

At noon,
Honecker opens the window again and says: "Good day to you sun"
The sun replies: "Good day to you, Honecker”...

A German Goes On Holiday

He Chooses France as His first destination and Jumps on a Plane. He reaches border patrol and hands his Passport over; The guy working at the booth says to him


*"Nationality?"*
**"German"**
*"Occupation?"*
**"What? No, Silly, I'm Here on Holiday."**

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Efficient German Boss

So Joe gets a groundskeeper job at a German buisnessman's huge estate. One day he's mowing the lawn and the boss runs up to him yelling "Innefficient job, you can do better job with rake too" and he duck tapes a rake on his ass so he collects leaves and stuff behind him when hes mowing.

Next ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to break up with my girlfriend because she didn't like my German shepherd

I don't like that Hans gets sheep shit all over the house as well but I think she overreacted

I know a nun who has a tendency to go around wearing a horrible garment made of German sausages

It must be her Wurst Habit

How did the german spy get caught?

He went into a pub in London and ordered two whiskeys.

The bartender asked him: "Dry?"

To which he replied: "Nein, zwei"

German philosophy professor arrive to Australia

Professor: Today we'll study Kant

Student: Ok, mate, so what we will study?

What did the German say after the golden living doll brought him his child back?

Edit: thanks for the Kind, gold stranger.

The German women’s beach volleyball team plays against the Brazilian women’s beach volleyball team. Who wins?

The audience

A grandfather sits flustered in his workshop unable to recall where he left his toolbox. He calls over his grandson and asks him, "son, what's the name of the German that keeps stealing my tools?!"

"Alzheimers granddad, Alzheimers."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple of German jokes...

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of
strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies:
'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Becau...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her...

Why do Germans believe in procrastinating?

Because a stitch in time saves nein.

A German is in a bar in the US

He wants to order something to drink for his wife and him.
"I'll have two martinis, please."
"Dry?" asks the bartender.


"NEIN, I SAID TWO!"

Did you hear about the German that couldn’t eat his Christmas cake?

It was stollen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After my german friend won the lottery, he became an asshole.

Money changed Hans.

A German goes to a fast food restaurant

He wants to order a meal, but can't decide.

"Chicken?", the teenager at the counter tries to help.

"Nein, I wan't to eat it here."

During history class at a German school, Little Hans raises his hand.

"Teacher, is it true that Russia has the longest streets in the world?"

"No, why do you ask?" the teacher asks.

"Well," Little Hans says, "my grandpa told me how he and his buddies crawled one street in Stalingrad for days and never reached the end of it."

A German, a Polish and a Swedish diplomat get expelled from Russia

... oh wait, this isn’t r/news?

A drunk German is urinating on a bush

An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!"

The German says, "Danke!"

People always say we Germans don't have fun

Well, obviously we don't. Whenever we try to have some fun someone comes around and helps France!

My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now"

Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher. No idea why the school hired him.

What do you call a really jealous German?

A sour kraut

Been analysing my spending and it turns out rather than large purchases, most of my expenditure seems to go on the mysterious middle aisle in German supermarkets.

To put it another way: it’s not the big things, it’s Aldi Lidl things.

Do you know whats the funniest german Joke?

me neither

My grandad was responsible for 35 downed German planes in WW2.

Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

German Naval Captain got transferred to a U-Boat

His crew (all English defectors), did not like his German methods of leadership. After a few days of laying down new rules, enforcing them strictly, and allowing the crewmen barely a minute off, he saw several derogatory posters about him taped around the craft. Calling for his first officer, he sai...

A man dies and goes to hell.

Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.


At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex wit you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge 20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprin...

I finished off the last of the traditional German Christmas fruit bread late last night.

Now my wife is telling everyone it was stollen.

In German Prisoner-of-War camps, escapes were a a major problem.

The officers would try to break the prisoners’ spirits by making them do mindless things. In particular, they would make the prisoners stand in a line and all move their heads like a clock back and forth and say, ‘tick tock tick tock.’

Some prisoners, unable to escape or otherwise change thei...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Business man decided to hire a Japanese, a German and a Chinese man to make his business run more smoothly.

He told the Japanese man that he is putting him in charge of productivity. The German was put in charge of efficiency. The Chinese man was put in charge of supplies.

A month later, he walks the factory floor and sees the workers working in unison like a well oiled machine which improved prod...

A Frenchman, a German and an American walk into a bar

"I'm tired and thirsty", said the Frenchman, "I must have wine!"

"I'm tired and thirsty", said the German, "I must have beer!"

"I'm tired and thirsty", said the American, "I must have diabetes..."

A English man, a Spaniard, a French man, and a German. Go to a club. The guy on stage asks if they can see him. They said

“Yes””oui””si””ja”

What did the German bandit say when he was finally apprehended by Peralta?

Nein nein!

Whom did the German philosopher quote when his friend dipped his hand in boiling oil?

Johann Gottfried

What do you call it when you say hi to a puppy in German?

"Guten-Dog!"

An American, a German and an Arabian prince brag about who has the largest family.

The American says: "I got 5 kids. Only one more and I have an complete ice hockey team."

The German replies: "You amateur. I got 10 kids. Only one more and I can send a complete foootball (soccer) team onto the filed."

The Arabian prince then replies: "That's nothing... I've got 17 wiv...

What do you have to do to get Germans to join a war?

You don't have to do anything, they're already at the front.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler once ran a race against the top German athletes, and they all slowed down to let him win.

He thought he was the fascist man in Germany.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A German, an Estonian and a Russian hold a challenge.

They have to drink a bucket of vodka, arm wrestle a bear in a cave and fuck a nun. The German starts, gets through half a bucket of vodka and falls off. The Estonian drinks the whole bucket and falls off. The Russian, however, finishes his bucket, goes into the cave. Loads of screaming can be heard ...

During World War 2, the Germans on the front line put up a sign "Gott Mit Uns"

The English replied with a sign of their own "We got mittens too"

Real story.

I tried to translate my German grandfathers' favorite joke

A woman walks past a pet shop. In front of the store there is a cage with a parrot, that suddenly starts talking to the woman: "You're ugly"
The woman quickly walks away.

At the next day the woman again walks past the shop and the parrot again says "You're ugly".
This time the woma...

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman...

...were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to ...

Why is the movie about the early Germanic people rated r

It contains Saxon violence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British fighter pilot was shot down over German occupied airspace during WWII and...

...was captured by the Nazis on the ground. He was beaten up pretty bad in the dogfight and parachute landing, and they had to amputate his leg, so he begged them "Please, if you have to take my leg, can you drop it over my base the next time you send a bombing mission?"
The Nazis figured there w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite joke! It was a huge hit with my friends in germany, so i'm very exited to see what you think. I translated everything from german to english, so feel free to correct any mistake in the comments.

Being very annoyed by his female boss and co-workers, a guy tells his friend he dreams of a job where women are not allowed.



His friend thinks about it then says:

“I think you have two options, either you work as train driver or you work as a pilot, if you decide to work as tra...

Do you know why Germans build such high-quality products?

So they won't have to go around being nice while they fix them.

What were German children called during WW2?

German infantry

So my country friend has got one of those new german 4x4 pickup trucks.

It's called the Audi Pardner.

Grandma yells across the room: "Billy, what's the name of that german guy who drives me crazy?"

"It's Alzheimer, grandma".

I often worry about German sausages

Basically I fear the wurst.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In light of „jewish“ space lasers

1939
A Jewish man was sitting in the New York Metro reading a german newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be in the same subway , noticed this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached him and said:

'Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading a nazi newspaper?'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Germans love about Americans?

When you say Nazi, people no longer think of Germany.

German adults are mean

German kids are kinder.

What does a German bread say?

Gluten tag.

I was going to post my German sausage joke but...

Probably best I don't. It's the wurst.

A german made navigation app issues an update to fix an issue.

The issue was when people wanted to go to france and they were in germany, the app sent them through belgium

An englishman, a frenchman, a spaniard, and a german were all standing watching a street performer do some exciting juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a wooden box and asks them, 'Can you all see me now?'

'Yes'

'Oui'

'Sí'

'Ja'

Injustices make me very mad: My grandfather destroyed a German Airplane and nobody ever thanked him

Actually they kicked him out of the museum

What did Germans in the 1940s have for breakfast?

Luftwaffles

How do you say unintended pregnancy in German?

Kinder Surprise.

A German walks into a bar

and says, "can I have a martini please?"

"Dry?"

"No, just one."

(German Joke) Two American girl tourists are in Germany walking through a public park.

Both of the girls notice a Man peeing and scream “Gross!”
The German man responds, “Groß? Danke!”







Translation - “Big? Thanks!”

Do Germans know the number that comes after 8?

Nein.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Colonel Reichman, an interrogation specialist for the German army, was walking around in a quaint little Swiss village one day during WWII. He spots a little shop selling clocks and watches and decides to enter.

Inside, the owner, a lady standing behind the counter, immediately recognizes who he is and welcomes him into the shop, asking how she can be of assistance.

"Frauline,” he starts "Deez are all very nice little clocks and vatches you have in here, but ze von I am interested in is zat big grand...

Joke translated to English from German

A blonde is driving home when she gets pulled over by a police officer.

"Mam, may i see you driving license?!"

"What's a driving license? "

"You know this thing in your purse with your face on..."


She starts digging through her purse, finds her cosmetic m...

What do Germans do when they run out of beer?

They wine

Saw a nun walking a German shepherd outside my church

I told my brother about it, and he said: "That's strange, I'd think the lord would be her shepherd."

Why are Germans bad at Among Us?

Because they vent here and vent there.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a room.A man enters and asks, “Can you see me?”

and they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

What did the American say to the German who was talking about how he didn't like the way things were done by Americans?

Well, that's just Europenean



*no offense to the US, Germany or Europe.

A German submarine is starting to take on water

A German submarine is starting to take on water. In desperation, they radio a nearby German base.

"Help us, ve are sinking, ve are sinking"

Just as they were about to fully sink, a reply came.

"Vhat are you sinking about?"

What do you get if you put a German in a walk in freezer?

Cold Hans

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Frenchman, a Scotsman and a German...

... are at a public swimming pool.

This place has just opened a very special 10 meter high diving tower: for a fee of just $20, a patented device automatically fills the pool with the liquid you desire.

The Frenchman is excited. He pays, climbs up the ladder, shouts "Champagne" and the...

Three Germans walk in to a BAR.

There were no survivors.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An american, a german and an argentinian are sitting in a room.

The american, to assert dominance, out of nowhere says, "My country created the best space rocket, that got us to the moon first. That makes me better than you."

The german exclaims, "Ja, I clean my ass with your rockets." And he follows, "My country created tanks, an unbeatable force in bat...

The worst piece of bread I ever tried was in Germany.

It was *guten*\-free.

A German 6 walks into a bar

The barkeep yells "hey, get out, we don't serve 6's here". The 6 leaves, does a headstand, and walks back into the bar on its hands. The barkeep yells over "aren't you the 6 that was just in here". The 6 replies "nein".

Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese.

This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.

Healthy German

What did the health conscious german say, when he entered Whole Foods?

Gluten Morgen

PS: First time posting an original.

A Grandmother Asks His Grandson: Hey, what is the name of that german guy that always hides my stuff?

Alzheimer, grandma, Alzheimer.

WW2, German military base, early in the morning.

A private walks into the Major's office to give his Night Shift report.

"Nothing to report sir... except that we broke a spade" the private says

"Ah well, carry on. How'd you break a spade though?" the Major asks.

"Well.. while burrying your horse, sir" replies the private
...

What vehicle did German soldiers use to drive around during the second world war?

The Swasti-car.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the German for premature ejaculation?

Blitzcreme

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the horny German comedian say to her boyfriend?

"Make laugh to me."

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishme

...are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals?


"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us fro...

An English man, French ,Italian and German are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer.

The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: "Yes" "Oui" "Sì" "Ja"

What do they call pastors in Germany

German shepherds

It doesn't matter how kind you think your child is.

German children will always be kinder.

Grandma: What's the German guy who's hiding my medicine called?

Grandson: Alzheimer's, Grandma, alzhemier's.

What does a german guy call his block of cheese?

Mein Kraft

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.