So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman...

...were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to ...

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ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her...

A German walks into a bar

and says, "can I have a martini please?"

"Dry?"

"No, just one."

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. They’re efficient and not very funny.

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange i...

A drunk German is urinating on a bush

An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!"

The German says, "Danke!"

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishmen

...are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals?

"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the ...

2 Germans in a bar in London:

\- 2 Martinis, please.

\- Dry?

\- NEIN! ZWEI!

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My friend is very involved in the German Blackbird Racing league

My friend Hans is very involved in the German Blackbird Racing league. He's always whooping and hollering at every race, and now most of his friends call him "Woo!". Despite his enthusiasm for the sport, he's not very creative. He mostly just numbers his birds, and never takes our advice on names....

A German tourist is visiting France and the customs official says "occupation?"

The German tourist replies "No, visiting, just visiting."

How to insult an Austrian, a Swiss and a German

Tell the Austrian he is German.

Tell the Swiss he should be German.

Tell the German the other two don’t want to be German.

Three spies are taken captive by Germans

One Englishman, one Dutchman and one Italian. They are placed in a cell together after which they are then taken one by one to be interrogated and tortured for information.

First goes the Englishman, who returns three hours later, having been pushed too far by the torture and having given up...

A German gets to border security...

Border guard: "Occupation?"

The German: "No, just visiting"

What's the German word for brassiere?

Stoppemfrumfloppen

So 50 cent was angry with his german girlfriend

He was about to hit her and she screamed 59!!!!!!!!!

The Germans and Americans were reaching a stalemate in WWI.

In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not...

My grandfather downed 50 German fighter planes in WWII.

Yep. Worst engineer in the Luftwaffe.

My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home.

I said, “Well, whose fault is that?”

As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.

A german guy was peeing on a wall in public. A girl passed by.

Girl: Gross

German guy: Thanks!

A French man, a German man, and a Polish man go skydiving

First, the French man jumps out of airplane. At the right time, he says "viva la France" and pulls the ripcord. Then, the German man jumps out and pulls the ripcord at precisely 1000 feet. Then, the Polish man jumps out of the airplane and he passes the 1000 foot mark but does not pull the ripcord. ...

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A Frenchman, German, and an Irishman walk into a bar

They all go up to the bar and order: Red Wine for the Frenchman, a pint of beer for the German, and glass of whiskey for the Irishman.

They all sit down together to enjoy their drinks and talk. They'd been sitting a bit when a fly buzzes around their heads and lands in the Frenchman's wine. ...

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This german Shepard comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.

Yesterday he brought his dog with him

Did you hear about the big German bakery heist of 1988?

Everything was stollen

An American man, a French man, a Spanish man and a German man are standing on the sidewalk, trying to watch a street performer juggle bowling pins.

The juggler notices they're having a bit of trouble, so he stands on a large wooden box and says to them, "Can you see me now?"

They answer one at a time:

"Yes."

"Oui."

"Sí."

"Ja."

It is WWI. The Germans and the Italians are fighting in trenches.

The Germans have a plan. Since almost all Italians are named Mario, a German would yell, "Hey, Mario!" An unfortunate Mario would pop his head up with "si?" and a German sniper would put a bullet into his forehead. Every day, a few Italians died with "Hey Mario!" "Si?" Boom!

One day, the Ital...

What’s a German janitor’s favourite game?

Mein Sweeper.

Following the meatless hamburger craze, a German company announced that they will start making a patty made out of Soylent Green.

They insist it is made completely from Hamburgers.

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A german, a french and an italian are walking down the street...

Suddenly a genie appears in front of them and says: “You lucky men, come with me!” and teleports them in front of 3 empty pools. He then says: “You have to jump from the diving board and say what you want your pool to be full of.”
The german jumps and says: “Beer!” and he falls into the pool with...

a german kid fails his art class

and his dad changes his last name

This cowboy walks into a German car showroom,

And he says "Audi!"

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A German guy called Helmut approaches a lady of the night in London.

“I vish to buy sex viz you."

"Okay," says the girl, "I charge £50 an hour."

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky for an extra £10."

Helmut agrees

So off they go the girl's flat, where t...

So, I asked my German grandfather hoe racist he was, scale of 1 to 10

He said "NEIN!"

What do Germans call a dead battery?

A Nein- volt

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A German, a Russian and an American are trying to see who can teach a cat to eat mustard.

The German grabs the cat and showed the mustard down the cat's throat.
"That's abuse!" - Protest the Russian and the American.
Next, the American puts mustard and a hot dog and feeds it to the cat.
"That's deception!" - Protest the German and the Russian.
Finally, the Russian grabs the ...

English admiral to German admiral: "What are you doing?"

German admiral: "Not what you sink."

A nun, a blonde girl, a German and a Dutch sit together in a train compartment.

The train goes through a tunnel, it gets dark. A loud slap can be heard, an outcry follows it. As the darkness fades a big red mark can be seen on the Dutch guys face.

The Dutch thinks to himself "The German guy must have tried to grope the blonde, but she mistook us in the dark and hit me i...

My German friend is gross

He weighs 144Kg

What did the Frenchman say to the German at the urinal?

European

What do you call a German breakfast food

A luftwaffle

So President Trump got into his Bunker because of the Riots.

As a german Guy I can say from experience that from this moment its not getting any better.

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
...

The Stasi tells Honecker there's a West German spy in his Central Committee.

So Honecker takes his favourite Stasi man along to the next meeting. The concierge (an old red) sees Honecker and the Stasi agent go in and, just one minute later, the Stasi man exiting , with a Central Committee member hand-cuffed to him.

"Comrade, I'm so impressed with your speed and effici...

Three guys are at a bar, a Brit, a German, and a Russian...

The Brit says, "Our healthcare is so advanced we can transplant an entire spine and have the patient up and looking for work in 7 weeks!"

The German says, "Well we can do a complete heart transplant and the patient will be up looking for work in less than four weeks!"

The Russian say...

A german was peeing in a street in New York...

... and a lady looks at him and says:

'Gross.'

To which the German replies:

'Danke!'

A German man went to France for holiday.

France border staff: "occupation?"

German: "No, no, no, just visiting."

What did the German goose say to his friend?

Goosen tag!

A German, a Russian and an American man died and went to the gates of heaven.

Because throughout the entirety of their lives they have been entirely good and compassionate men, St. Peter decided to reward them somehow. He told them that he cannot send them back to earth to live again, but he could return them as any kind of object they want, to stay among the living. All thre...

I went to a Bengals game last year when they were playing the Patriots. The stadium wasn’t completely empty, as a matter of fact I was sitting beside a man with a German Shepard.

This seemed odd, but the dog was intensely watching the game. In the fourth quarter the Bengals were surely losing, the dog started to tear up. Nearing the end of the game the dog was crying and whimpering. When the game was over (34-13 for the Pats) the dog started openly and inconsolably weepin...

What is the German term for food shortages?

Wurst Käse Scenario.

At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".


In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil serv...

Today I learned Italians have more than 250 specific hand gestures to communicate non-verbally, I asked my German friend if they had anything like it in Germany..

He said they have one but they are not allowed to use it

A German got pulled over by the Police in France.

Police Officer: Name?

German: Heinrich Klimt

Police officer: Age?

German: 32

Police Officer: Occupation?

German: No, no. Just visiting.

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I've heard this one in English, German and Yiddish.

A tourist was walking through an ancient section of Prague and noticed that his wristwatch had died. It needed a new battery.

He noticed a small storefront with a clock in the window, and went in. An elderly Jewish gentleman in traditional Hasidic attire was sitting behind a small counter. ...

The German National Basketball team just signed an exclusive sponsorship deal with Nike

From now on the only sneakers they'll be wearing are Herr Jordan's

Why did the German soldier help the wounded puppy?

Because he was a veteran Aryan

An English man, an Irish man and a German walks into a bar

They are arrested for breaking the quarantine

An Englishman, an American and a German entered a pub together...

Those were the days...

A German Coast Guard was working his first shift as a radio dispatcher when a boat got into trouble.

Sailor: Mayday, Mayday! Can anybody hear me?

Operator: Ah hallo. Zis is ze German Coast Guard. I can hear you.

Sailor: This is Mayday! We are sinking! I repeat. We are sinking!!

Operator: Ah, Okay. So... vot are you sinking about?

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In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we cur...

I asked a German girl for her number and I'm still waiting for the rest of the numbers

So far all I have is 9.

How does the German counterfeiter take his bourbon?

On Xerox.

How do Turkish Germans curse?

DÖNNER VETTER KEBAB!!

A German, an Italian, and a Spaniard enter a bar...

and were told to go home because they are closed.
Stay home, stay safe people.

Old joke about heaven and hell

Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, and the auto mechanics are German.

Hell is where the police are German, the cooks are English, and the auto mechanics are French.

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The German Shepherd from next door keeps shitting on my lawn

This morning he even brought his dog!

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First visit to America as German guy!

I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by.
She saw my penis and shouted "GROSS!"

I shouted back "DANKE!"

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It was WW2 and a German man was being interrogated in case he was a German spy. He was asked “what do you think of nazis?” He replied “they are gay” he was then asked “what do you think about Winston Churchill?”

The man replied “he is very sexy” he



He was later executed

A German engineer approaches his Italian colleague...

"Give me iron and steel and I'll build you an aircraft carrier!"

The Italian says, "Give me your sister and I'll make you the crew."

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A german tourist jumped in the freezing lake to save my precious little dog

A german tourist jumped in the freezing lake to save my precious little dog who was drowning.

After that he climbed out, handed me the dog and said, "Here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off, he vill be fine."

I said, "Are you a vet?"

He replied, "Vet?... I'm fucking soaked...

What's the difference between normal snow and German snow?

Normal snow falls

and German snow captures the land.

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Two Germans are at a pub in London after a long day of business meetings.

They're having a good 'ol laugh amongst eachother when one of them passes out on the floor. Not having been to Britain before, the other man cries out asking what number to call for help.

The bartender yells: "Nine, Nine, Nine"

To which the German replies: "Fuck you my friend needs h...

A man has a defective clock and takes it to the German workshop.

The guy says, "My clock is busted. Instead of the usual 'tick tock' it goes 'tick tick tick'. Can you fix this?" The German shop owner says, "I see. Follow me." The owner leads the man into a dark ominous room and places the clock on a wooden chair and straps it. He then proceeds to light up a sin...

The Germans are getting worried about coronavirus.

They have started putting their towels on Hospital beds.

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Each time me and my german girlfriend have sex, she rates me out of 10

Last night we tried anal and she couldn't stop screaming 9. That's the best I've ever gotten.

A German Sheperd, Doberman and cat died.

All three faces the god who wants to know what they believe in.

the german sheperd says: " i beleive in disclipine and loyalty to my master".

So God says him to sit on his right side.

then it was the turn of doberman and it says" i believe in the love,care and protection of my ...

What did East Germans sing before the Berlin Wall fell?

Under Prussia

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People are praising the Germans right now for having an aid package for artists during quarantine..

But they’re definitely doing it because the last pissed off artist started World War 2.

One hotdog says to another, “You been to that German night club yet?”

“Nah, too krauted.”

I made a 1:1000 000 scale model german submarine

it's a pretty good μ-boat

How tall is a German with a cold?

Gesundheit!

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A plane is flying over the Amazon when it crashes...

...three men survive the plane crash (German, French, American).

They crash near a village and get captured by the tribe. The villagers tell the three men that: "We aren't cannibals, and we're normally peaceful and wouldn't kill you, but our canoes are riddled with holes, and we need your sk...

I was at a Christmas party with a stunning German girl . . .

I noticed she was standing directly underneath a Mistletoe. I approached her and asked flirtatiously 'Ooh, what's that little thing above you?'

'Its called an Umlaut.'

I don't know why Germans call sausages the Wurst!

I think they are the best!

What did the German boy say to his mother when he pushed his brother off a cliff?

Look mother, no Hans!

My new neighbor is a grumpy German.

I guess you could call him a sour Kraut.

What do Germans call the new samsung phone?

Zee flip.

I‘m developing a phobia of german sausage

I fear the wurst

Why aren't german fellows good to date ?

Because they always say their sausage is the wurst.

I took a road trip with my German buddy and when I accidentally dropped my hot dog out the window he swung the car around to go back and get it. . .

That's when the whole trip really took a turn for the wurst.

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German Girlfriend

My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal.

She kept yelling 9.

That’s the best I’ve ever done.

German celiacs have one day a year where they eat whatever they want without worrying about the consequences.

This is known as the Gluten Tag.

What is the thinnest book in the world?

20 centuries of German humor.

When I was a child I was forced to work in a German sausage factory.

It was the wurst experience of my life.

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I used to sleep with this German chick and every time we had sex she used to rate me....

I used to average about five or six, Then one day I stuck it in her ass without telling her and she started screaming “NINE, NINE, NINE”
that was the highest rating I ever got..

Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages.

They are calling it the wurst käse scenario.

An Englishmen, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are watching a street magician perform his routine from a good distance away. Half way through, the magician looks around and notices how far away the men are and asks, "Can you see me ok?"

"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sí"
"Ja"

How do you say hello to a German who likes bread?

Gluten Tag!

How do you call a deaf German bird?

A Taube.

What did the German tourist in Britain say when they saw something illegal?

Nien Nien Nien!

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he was offered the role of the main character of a movie about an 18th century German composer?

“I’ll be Bach”

(OC) An American chemist, a German chemist, and a French chemist are hanging out on a beach.

“Americium is the best element” brags the American chemist, “it’s used in smoke detectors and saves lives.”

“No way, germanium is way more awesome.” counters the German chemist, “without it, most electronic devices wouldn’t ever work.”

“Watch this, amateurs!” Says the French chemist, h...

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A German goes into a bar

A big German man walks into an American bar slaps his hand down and orders a beer, then says very loudly....." when I drink, everyone drinks" the crowd in the bar cheers loudly and starts drinking. Finished with his beer, he slaps the bar again orders another, and very loudly again says, "when I dri...

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