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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

A German was packing his luggage for holiday when his wife interrupts him...

"I hope you're not going to bring sausages again", she said, "They exploded everywhere last time and caused a frightful scene!"

"It'll be fine", He said, "Stop worrying about the wurst case scenario".

How many germans does it take, to change a lightbulb?

One. We're very efficient and have no sense of humor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was having sex with my German girlfriend last night.

It was distracting when she kept yelling her age all the time.

My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.

He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe

German Dream

We were talking about the American dream in class and the teacher said to a German boy if he had a German dream. He said, "We did but no-one liked it."

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his fath...

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a Cat have died

All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.

The German Shepherd Says: "I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my master."

"Good," says God, "then sit down on my right side."

"Doberman, what do you believe in?" Asks God.

The Doberman Ans...

I built a 1:1000000 model of a German submarine.

It’s a pretty good µ-boat.

What noise does a German snake make?

ßßßßßßßßßß

Struggling German meatpacker conciels rancid meat in its sausage blend.

Went from bad to wurst.

Did you hear about the chihuahua that killed the German Shepherd

It got stuck in its throat.

Why are single German women so rude?

Cuz they don't have any Männer

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Germans are weird

In my recent trip to Germany I managed to hook up with this really cute German girl, but for some reason she just kept yelling her age during sex..

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German Bloke are all watching a street performer juggle,

The juggler notices the 4 gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you fellas see me now?"

"Yes."

"Oui."

"Si."

"Ja."

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A german in an Australian restaurant

"May I have a bloody steak?"

Waiter: "do you want some fucking potatoes with it?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In WW2, what did the Germans have that the Japanese didn't?

Ace pilots.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a German, and an American are on a plane flying over the South Pacific.

The pilot suddenly announces; "Sorry gents, but looks like our plane is overloaded. Three of you are going to have to take a parachute and jump out, and I'll have them send a rescue plane back for you."

First the Englishman gets up, grabs a parachute, and steps out the plane, shouting; "God s...

A German goes on holiday to France. He gets to passport control and the woman asks "Occupation?"

"No, just visiting." Said the guy.

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My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.

What did the German piece of bread say to the other piece of bread

Gluten tag

You know what they say about German laxatives

They bring out the wurst in you

What do you call a blind German

A not-see

A German traveling to Poland stops at a Polish Border Security Point.

Polish Border Control Officer: "Nationality?" German: "German" Polish Boder Control Officer: "Occupation?" German: "No, just visiting"

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be d...

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A Russian, a Frenchman and a German...

...go high diving at a swimming pool. They each get to wish for a liquid to jump in.

The russian goes first. He gets up the tower, of course, wishes for vodka and so he lands ina pool full of vodka.

Next up was the Frenchman. He climbed the tower, shouted "Wine!" and he jumped into t...

Do you know the original German word for Bra?

Stopemfromfloppen

How do Germans tie their shoes?

With little knotsies

What does German Santa Claus have in his workshop?

11's

In heaven, the English are the Police, the Germans are the organizers, the French are the cooks, the Italians are the lovers and the Swiss are the engineers.

In hell, the English are the cooks, the Germans are the Police, the French are the engineers, the Italians are the organizers, and the Swiss are the lovers.

(I love you all, my european brethren! ;) )

I hate jokes about German sausages

They’re the wurst

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

A German is trying to to make his way to Paris

At the border, the French customs agent asks him

“Name?”

“Hans Mueller.”

“Place of residence?”

“Munich.”

“Occupation?”

“No, just vacation this time.”

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Pole were captured by the Germans and thrown into prison.

However, the guard was rather kind towards them, and said, "I am going to lock you away for five years, but I'll let you have anything you want now before I lock you away."

The Englishman says, "I'll have five years' supply of beer!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his beer....

Two german tourists walk into an american bar

One of them says:

"-We would like a martini please!"

The bartender responds:

"-Dry?"

"-Nein, zwei"

German couple on the Autobahn. He drives, she wakes up after a nap, looks over and asks him:"Why are you going 180kph??"

"Because the road looks slippery."

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German.....

are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can't see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: "Can you see me now?" The four men answer: "Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja."l

A german guy rescues a dog from drowning

then the owner of the dog says to him: "Thank you so much! Are you a vet?" to which the german guy responds with "I'm not just vet! I'm soaked!"

Why do incompetent German oncologists never laugh?

They have no sense of tumor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An american, a german and an albanian.

An american, a german and an albanian got caught by the devil. The devil transformed into a shark and said:
"Each one if you will throw something in this lake and ill look for it. If i find it i get your soul, and if I don't you become emortal."
The american goes first and throws a pebble. Ten...

I asked a German girl for her phone number.

She told me it was 999-999-9999.

An Englishman, Frenchman, Spaniard and German are watching a street performer do some impressive juggling

As they watch him he throws flaming sticks in the air and twists them between his fingers before catching them with ease, he decides to start the next part of the act and slowly climbs up a tall ladder. Once at the top he spies the four men at the back, behind everyone in the audience who appear to ...

So this British couple adopt a German baby...

... and as it grows from a babe-in-arms, to a toddler, it never makes a sound.

As the child grows into a young boy, he stays silent and it gets to the point where his adopted parents are really worried.

As the boy gets older, he still never says a word.

Then one day, the family ...

Some German cars are very quiet.

They are barely audi-ble

Told a German exchange student about the American Dream.

Afterward I asked if him if Germans had a dream like that. He said "We used to but nobody liked it"

As a vegan eating with the German side of my family at Christmas can be tough. I'm too scared to tell them I am vegan so I explained that I had a crippling phobia of meat.

I feared the wurst.

What did the German patron say to the pimp?

“Lead yer hoes in.”

Two German doctors in their 90's chat about past times.

The first one asks: "Hans, did you ever have any professional blunder?"


"I haven't", Hans responds "Yet, there's one thing that went horribly wrong."

He continues: "I didn't know Hitler was dyslexic, when he cut himself I shouldn't have recommended an antiseptic cleansing".

My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2

He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

A French, English, and Italian are captured by Germans...

A French, English, and Italian are captured by Germans, who want to get information out of them. They tie their legs to a wooden chair and their hands behind it and have all the chairs lined up.

​

First, they go to the French man. Before they lay a single hit on them, he te...

A German man is vacationing in France and is speeding down the highway.

He gets pulled over by a French police officer.

"Name?" "Ludwig"

"Age?" "29"

"Occupation?" "No, no. Just visiting."

What do Germans use to clean their shoes?

Polish.

What did the cowboy say when he walked into the German car dealership?

Audi!

I'm having a hard time getting my German Chinese fusion restaurant going.

It's called Chow Mein Kampf.

Do you think Germans can count past eight?

Nein

Do you know what happened to the German chicken?

It gottfried.

What did the landlocked German eat during WWII?

Not sea food.

During a history lesson at a German school, Little Hans asks his teacher a question.

"Teacher, is it true that Russia has the longest street in the world?"

"I'm not sure" he replies, "why do you ask?"

"Well," Little Hans replies, "my grandpa told me he crawled one street in Stalingrad for four months, and he never reached the end of it."

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are having a philosophical debate.

The question arises: What separates man from the animals?


"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the hights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."


"I disagree," announces the Italian. "...

What does "Maginot Line" mean in German?

"Speed bump ahead."

My wife is a terrible cook. Tonight she's making German sausage.

I'll hope for the best, and prepare for the wurst

What do you call a game where Germans throw bread at each other

Gluten tag

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My grand dad was a WW2 vet, he destroyed 12 Nazi aircraft aviators killing 45 German aviators

Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the Germans lose World War 2?

They could nazi the errors of their ways.

How do Germans turn lights off?

The offschwitz

Why are German cats depressed?

Because they have nein lives

Why didn't the Germans have any cakes at Christmas

Because they were all stollen

Two german solders at the end of WW2...

...got stranded in Italy. They were tired and thirsty so they went to the closest inn. Since they didn't want to be recognised as germans they agreed to order martinis. While ordering they ask waither for martinis and he asks them: "Dry martini?".

Nein zwei

Doctor, doctor My wife keeps sending me out to eat German homes.

I'm afraid you have munchausen by proxy

Why do Germans fear getting cheese in their hotdogs?

Because for them it's considered to be a Wurst-Käse scenario.

As a spectator at the last Summer Olympics, I saw a guy walking around carrying a 10 foot long stick...

"Are you a pole vaulter?" I asked.

"No," he responded. "I'm a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

The Russian, the German and the French.

The Russian, the German and the French folks appear in the desert with no water. They find genie lamp and the genie told them they all have 2 wishes each.

German: "I want to get back home with 1 000 000 EUR" - Puff, done.
French: "I want to get back home with 100 beautiful women" - Puff, d...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my precious little dog who was drowning.

After he climbed out, he handed me the dog and said, “Here is ze dog, keep him warm and he vill be fine.” I said, “Are you a vet?” He replied, “Vet?...I’m fucking soaking.”

What is a German’s favorite dice game?

Nahtzee

During the Cold War, there was an East German couple who were outside one evening when it was lightly precipitating...

They got into an argument, the man claiming it was raining, and the woman claiming it was snowing.

During the heat of the argument, they spotted a well known local official walking past.

The wife exclaimed, "We will ask Brother Rudolph for the official word from the Party!"
...

Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

Why are German hotdogs the most controversial?

It’s because they make the best and the wurst ones

A drunk German and Russian are walking around town with a sober Brit

After a few too many, the group decides to head home but the two drunks can't seem to walk in a straight line, bumping into everything in sight as the Brit keeps them from hurting themselves. Fed up with babysitting them, the Brit decides to have some fun.

The German and Russian first bump in...

A British, A German and an American military doctor were competing on who had done the greatest accomplishment during their careers.

The Brit said that he had replaced a blown off leg with a wooden one and the man had went on to become an acrobat.

​

The German said that that was nothing and that he had replaced a blown off arm with a wooden one and the man had went on to become Germany's greatest drummer...

I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans-free

As a German, you know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. Our engineering is flawless.

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.


edit: danke kind stranger for the gold, I will put it in my grandchildrens Sparbuch of course

edit2: the thing with the anti joke is that its not really an anti joke in German, what makes it more hilarious, for, you know... Germans.

A german women and a Spanish guy get married and move to Spain...

Though she didn't know Spanish, ~~witch~~ which proved to be a problem. Each time she went to the grocery store to buy chicken's breast, she would have to point towards her own chest so the vender could understand what she wanted to buy. Things went on like this, until one day, when she wanted to bu...

Why don't women like to dance with German men?

Cause they're all Hans

(this is my first attempt at writing a joke, go easy)

An American ship is next to German land

Captain: "May day! May day! We are sinking!!"

German receiver: "What are you sinking about?!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[nsfw] Lately I started asking my German girlfriend to rate our sex from 1 to 10, she was really excited about anal sex!

She kept screaming NINE NINE NINE!

I got this German girls phone number

She was being difficult about it but I eventually got it:

999 999 99 99

(Possible OC)

I Germans and an Italian

At the end of WW2, as the Allies were starting to win, there were 3 prisoners of war held together in a cell. Two were German officers and one an Italian soldier. The men were to be held for questioning.
The first day the Allied soldiers took the first German in to be questioned. The guards sit...

The Germans are sieging the last of the Polish resistance on the border of Romania and a few Polish troops are saying their last words

The first one says, "We will come back by the seas."

The second one says, "And by the air."

The third one simply says, "Hey, you think they have good Periogi in Romania?"

I'm so disappointed. I bought dessert for a traditional German Christmas dinner.

But it was stollen.

American children are quite caring...

But German children are kinder

TIL that, in 1917, England mistook an Italian maritime transport for a German one, so they attacked it.

Whoops, wrong sub.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A German, a Japanese, and a Russian were sitting naked...

... in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his finger into his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "Oh, that was my embedded smart watch," he said. "Germany has the smartest engineers in the world and I've had one of their devices placed...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The year is 1943, and an Allied encampment is surrounded by German forces.

There are three regiments in the camp: one American, one British, and one Soviet. The three have been surrounded by the Germans, who have cut off their supply lines and are awaiting a surrender of the Allied troops. After several days, this has put severe strain on the encampment’s supplies.

...

Why are German flashlights always dead?

They use Nein Volt Batteries.

A German man walks into a bar

He sits next to a mathematician and the mathematician asks him,

“What is 6+3?”

The German seems stumped at first then says,
“Ach Nine!”

What did the German say when passed the blunt?

Danke.

An German naval captain is reassigned to a new u-boat

His crew (all English defectors), did not like his German methods of leadership. After a few days of laying down new rules, enforcing them strictly, and allowing the crewmen barely a minute off, he saw several derogatory posters about him taped around the craft. Calling for his first officer, he sai...

The germans really need to tighten-up on their cake security

at this time of year a heck of a lot of it is stollen.

Just found out I've failed my German exam.

Sacre bleu!

My history teacher told me to research about German mining

So I gave her mein shaft

A German host said to his English guest, who was obviously not enjoying his meal:" i am sorry you don't like our food.

But I'm afraid the wurst is yet to come."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I love fucking German chicks

But I hate how they always scream their age during sex

The German Shepherd cover up...

I found my German Shepherd, Hondo, with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit was dead, and I panicked.. I took the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. I gave it a bath, blew dried its fur, and put it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they would think it died ...

Angela Merkel has been German chancellor for 13 years. Not to invoke Godwin's Law, but you know who else was chancellor of Germany for 13 years?

Konrad Adenauer

A German friend told me this one. A couple went to an exotic island for a vacation.

They booked at a local hotel. Inside, there was a native waiter, who seemed very eager but had a strong accent.

Everything was fine until the couple went down for dinner. The girlfriend had dropped her fork. The waiter immediately saw this and asked them, "Do you want a f\*ck?"

The cou...