UPJOKE
yankeeamericaamerican englishwashingtonianusyankusatexankentuckianoregoniandenizeninhabitantdwellernevadanvermonter

My girlfriend just broke up with me for being too un-American...

But honestly, I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

What do American police have in common with American Congress?

They only serve and protect corporate interests.

I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world”

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world

An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car.

He woke up in a hospital with a doctor standing over him.

He asked the doctor, "Did I come here to die?"

The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday."

What do you get when you mix American Literature and alcohol?

Tequila Mockingbird

An American man gets married to a British woman.

Before the big night, his father tells him "Tonight I want you to carry your wife in your arms to show her that the US is a strong nation. Then I want you to throw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation. And finally, I want you to take off your clothes to show her that the US is a ...

Why are Americans so good at shooting?

We have the best schools for it

In Britain they call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator"

I guess we're just raised differently

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A Canadian, an American and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.

They were given everything they needed to succeed and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.

The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration, he spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.

T...

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

Americans are getting stronger

Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry $50 worth of groceries. Today, A 5-year old can do it.

An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese are arguing where Adam and Eve were from.

The American says, "Adam and Eve must be American. Look at how much they love freedom - they have everything they could ever want in the Garden of Eden, yet they still pursue the one single thing that they're forbidden from by God. To love absolute freedom so much, they must be American!"

The...

If you go into a bathroom as an American, and you come out of a bathroom as an American, what are you when you're in the bathroom?

European

My American girlfriend recently had a knee transplant here in London

which is ironic as her name is Britney

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by their government and the media.

But I know that can't possibly be true. Because every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

How many South Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A Brazilian

What’s the difference between a computer and an American?

An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.

An American, An Indian and a Brazilian were arrested in Brazil

A Brazilian judge senteced them to rounds of whipping, but since the judge was merciful he decided to give all three of them one wish

The judge to the american: You're american, i dislike your people, too many guns and you're too fat, what's your wish?

The American: i want a pillow tie...

What do you call a person who's an expert in American culture and politics?

A European Redditor.

What would be the worst Russian-American name to have?

Jack Meioff

Why are Americans so stupid?

Because they shoot all the ones who go to school

EDIT: I love jokes and comedic freedom... but I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THIS ONE LOL

EDIT 2: Thanks for letting me share the pain of this one with you, internet. And I’m not European (where are ppl getting this lol), I am also 🇺🇸

An American, An Indian, And A Russian Meet The Devil

An American, an Indian, and a Russian end up in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He...

An American politician and a Russian politician are walking next to a river...

The American points to a bridge and says,

"See that bridge? I campaigned for that bridge, chose the construction company, and even arranged for the funds for it to be built." The American then pats his pocket and says, "Of course I took a portion off the top for myself." and the two men laugh...

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[NSFW] In the 1980's, a group of American scientists conducted a study on why the head of a penis is thicker than the shaft.

And after 2 years and $25,000, they concluded that it was to give the man a more pleasurable sexual experience.

In the 2000's, a group of French scientists decided to revisit the study and after 3 years and $50,000, they concluded that is was to give the woman a more pleasurable sexual experi...

A Russian and an American get on a plane in Moscow and get to talking.

The Russian says he works for the Kremlin and he's on his way to go learn American propaganda techniques.

"What American propaganda techniques?" asks the American.

"Exactly," the Russian replies.

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

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A Chinese general, an American Officer, and a random drunk asshole sit down in a bar and start to brag.

"If all our bombers were to be airborne at once," says the American, "you wouldn't be able to see any part of the sky".

"Hah" boasts the Chinese General, "if all our soldiers were to march at once, you wouldn't be able to see an inch of the ground."

The situation grows tense, and the d...

Why do native Americans hate snow?

It's white and all over their land

They say WW2 was won by American steel, British intelligence, and Russian blood

Who knew that WW3 would be won the same way?

Another attack on American freedom

Orchestrated by the Coat Hanger industry.

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A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office, and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and this conversation ensued: "Have you any grounds?" Yes, an ...

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So…

An Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, ...

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Two American business men in the 1980s are visiting Tokyo, Japan to make a business deal with an electronics company

Sadly the CEO (Mr. Yamoto) had an unexpected issue to deal with at one of his factories and couldn't see the men that day, but had his COO (Mr. Hagino) not only invite the two Americans to join them for a round of golf the next day to discuss business, but also to show them around and keep them ent...

Sometimes I confuse Canadians and Americans

by using big words

I think I know the reason the film American Psycho has stayed so popular…

Everyone can get behind the message of murdering Jared Leto

An American asked a Russian guy about their cars:

\- For what did you make the ZAZ, a copy of the Fiat 500?

\- For rural roads ...

\- What did you make the Moskvich for, a copy of Ford?

"For country roads!"

\- Then what is Lada for, a copy of another Fiat?

\- For city roads!

\- The for what did you invent t...

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An American man goes to Japan to close a big business deal.

The night before, he is very tense so he picks up a woman in the hotel bar. She speaks no English but they get their transaction settled and go to his room.

In bed she is wildly thrashing around and screaming a phrase in Japanese. The man figures she is loving it and tries to remember what sh...

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An American, a Russian, and an Irishman are all stuck at sea

They eventually end up on an island, and the three decide to split up and meet back at the beach at sunset. When they meet back up, the American returned with 4 fish, the Russian found what he needed to build an open fire, and the Irishman found a mysteriously sealed bottle. With each man getting th...

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there "isn't" something trying to kill you...

"school" is my answer

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A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors.

The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”

He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”

The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the adm...

Brazilian Hell

A man dies and goes to hell...

There, he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks,

"What do they do there?"

He is told: "First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another...

An American dropped into a pub in London for a drink and found it completely full of Brits.

An American dropped into a pub in London for a drink and found it completely full of Brits. After a few minutes, he saw a table for two with one middle-aged gentleman sitting at it. He walked over to the table and asked if he could sit down. The Brit replied, "Certainly. Please do."

The Ameri...

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a famous Mexican restaurateur, entered the 6th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" said the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teac...

How many American conservatives do you need to screw in a lightbulb?

Ten.

One holds the bulb, the other nine wait for Fox News to spin it.

Why are Americans so Good at Solving Rubix Cubes?

Because they have a long history of separating colors…

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What do sex on the beach and american beer have in common?

Both are fucking close to water.

Doctor: "Sorry, sir, we have no more vaccines for American citizens, we gave them all to illegal immigrants."

Patient: "They took our jabs!"

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and sh...

The reason why many Americans don't eat healthy, is because eating healthy would cause you to lose weight.

And America never loses

Cant make jokes about vacation to americans

Cause they dont get it

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

What is a Karen called in Europe?

An American.

The UN asked an American, an Ethiopian, and a Chinese for their opinion on the global food shortage

None of them understood the question;

The American asked what is a shortage.

The Ethiopian asked what is food.

The Chinese asked what is a opinion.

4 guys meet in hell. A Bodybuilder, a Muslim, a Buddhist monk, and an American.

Satan comes over, whip in hand, and says:


-Those who endure 10 whiplashes can go to Heaven, the rest will stay here in Hell!


The American glances at the bodybuilder and is about to argue when Satan interrupts him,


-Everyone can choose 1 thing to place at your back a...

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An American college student is in Dublin on St Patrick’s Day

So an American college student goes to Ireland for St Patrick's Day. He's getting hammered in a pub, and goes to take a leak. He steps up to the urinal, and this little guy, with a bright orange beard, and all in green, steps up next to him, whips out this giant dick and starts pissing too. The Amer...

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An Englishman, an American, and a Japanese are doing white water rafting...

...when all of a sudden, they spot a huge drop to a waterfall they never knew was there. They are moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom... Suddenly a genie appears.

The genie explains that he is the spirit of the waterfall, and he is of limited power. He cannot prevent th...

Car broke down

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the ...

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An American, a Japanese, and a Brazilian firm are bidding on a contract to build a stadium.

An American, a Japanese, and a Brazilian firm are bidding on a contract to build a stadium.

The American firm says that the stadium will cost 2 million dollars because Americans like everything big and built to last.

The Japanese firm says that the stadium will cost 1 million because ...

A Mexican politician and an American politician are having dinner

They are eating at the American politician's house. A 6 bedroom house with a 2 Mercedes Benz at the front. And a 500 square foot garden.

The Mexican politician remarked how nice his house was and how he was able to afford it.

The American politician said: "see that highway over there?...

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Two Americans and a German gynecologist were having a drink...

After a few they start sharing stories from their professions. Since all 3 were gynecologists it soon became a brag-fest.

American 1: "I once had a patient who had a clitoris like a blueberry!"

American 2: "that's nothing, my last patient had one like a cherry!"

German: "I would...

American scientists found out...

...but then they went back inside.

An Austrian archaeological team has recovered the bodies of several perfectly preserved neolithic hunters from within a mountain glacier. When asked for comment, American actor, Haley Joel Osment said:

Icy dead people.

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A russian, an american and a dane are drinking beer, and get into a bragging contest.

The russian says: "Our navy is so large that if all the ships set out to sea at once, the fish in the ocean won't have a single spot where they can reach the surface"

The american looks sceptically at him and says: "Well, our mighty airforce is so large that if all the planes take off at once...

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Took my son out for his first Pint today.

I got him a Fosters, he didn't like it, I drank it. Then I got him a Budweiser, he didn't like that either, I drank it. It was the same with the Guinness and the Cider. By the time we got down to the Whisky,

I could hardly push the fucking pram. (Stroller for Americans.)

An American arrives at an Australian hospital.

Melbourne, Australia: there is a car accident and an ambulance is called to the scene. Upon arrival, they find an unconscious American. They rush to the hospital. The doctors triage the patient, and fortunately the patient is stable and expected to come to within a day or two.

Sure enough, th...

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

Last night, I, an American, was arguing with a European over whether Europe or the United States was better.

The European boasted, "We hardly even have racism here in Europe!" I asked them, "What about Romani people? Does the racism they experience not count?"

They replied, "Of course not! Romanis aren't people!"

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On board an aircraft carrier there are 3 generals, one American, one Russian and one British...

Suddenly, just for bragging rights, the American general says

"American soldiers are the bravest. Look! Smith, jump into the sea, swim around the vessel and come back!".

Smith jumps in to the sea, swims around the aircraft carrier, and jumps back. The American general looks at the ot...

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An American goes to Ireland (long) NSFW

An American man goes to Ireland and goes to an Irish pub. As he starts drinking more and more, he has to release the valve and goes to the restroom. The urinals were occupied, so the man opens a stall. When he opens a stall he sees a little man in green suit. The little man in the green suit says, '...

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A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

American kid: Mommy, what's a "Canadian"?

Well, dear, that's an unarmed citizen with health insurance.

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a joke we tell in Ukraine

A russian, a Ukrainian and an African American guys are sitting in the waiting room while their wives give birth.


The nurse comes out with 3 babies and says "sorry guys, they've got mixed up..let's see whose is whose".
The Ukrainian takes a black kid and runs.
They yell "hold on dud...

Why don't Americans call inordinately powerful and corrupt people oligarchs?

Habits are hard to break, and we've always called them congresspeople.

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

“Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

An American student was studying Russian government

An American student was studying Russian government.

Hoping to understand another country’s government in familiar terms, he asked his teacher, “Is the Kremlin more like the White House, the Capitol, the Pentagon, or the Supreme Court?”

The teacher replied, “Yes.”

According to my calculations, about 40% of Americans are Republicans

But that’s just a Conservative estimate

An American and a Russian are arguing about which country has more freedom.

The American says, “I can walk right up to the White House and shout 'Down with Joe Biden!' and nothing bad will happen to me.”

The Russian replies, “Guess what? I can walk in front of Kremlin and shout 'Down with Joe Biden!' and nothing will happen to me either.”

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A Soviet officer and an American officer are talking over coffee at the end of World War II to celebrate their collaboration in the defeat of the Nazis.

They start to banter and brag with each other.

The American says to the Soviet, “you know, in my country we have total freedom, I could stand in front of the White House and shout “I hate America!” and nothing would happen to me.”

The Soviet officer looks at him and replies, “yes, in t...

How to make Americans take vaccines

Tell them immigrants are coming to America to take all their vaccines.

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American conservatives are pretty homophobic

for people so proud of their four fathers

Why should you always post jokes in American English?

They can reach a wider audience.

Americans care about Ukrainians like my parents care about unborn children

Enough to donate a couple bucks, but not enough to adopt one.

An American soldier was talking to a Russian soldier.

The American says,

"The great thing about America is that we have freedom of speech! For instance, I can go right into the white house, walk up to president Biden and say, 'Mr. President, I completely disagree with the way you are running this country!' "

The Russian soldier responds,...

What do you call an American rapper who wears an open-fronted knitted sweater?

Cardi Gan

A person who speaks two languages is bilingual and one who speaks three, is trilingual. What do you call a person who speaks only one language?

American

An American couple is at a Chinese restaurant.

The husband says "waiter, my wife's chicken is rubbery". Waiter replies, "yes, I think you're wife is rubbery too".

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A Native American came into my restaurant and asked for a table for four.

I said "Do you have a reservation?" and he told me to fuck off and stormed out.

Mt favorite naval joke!

**Americans**: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.









**Canadians**: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.






**Americans**: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship....

Two american jewish men send their sons to Jerusalem to learn about their culture.

A year later the two are having a chat:

-- I am so disappointed in my son, I don't know what to do... Once he returned, he claimed to have become christian!

-- My son as well, this is a tragedy.

-- We should go see our Rabbi, maybe he can guide us.

The two then visit the...

An American woman goes to Italy on business and asks her husband what she could bring back for him.

He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"

When she returns home he picks her up at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good," she replies.

"And did you bring something home for me?"

"Something, did I forget?" she asks.

"The Italian girl I asked ...

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An injured American soldier is boarding a train to the hospital, but the train is full because a woman and her dog took up the last two seats.

The man says to the woman, "would you please mind taking up only one seat? You don't need two separate seats for you and your dog." But the woman refuses. Then the man tells the woman that he is exhausted from the war and is injured, the last seat on the train isn't too much to ask for, yet the woma...

What do you call South American ladies that are into scat?

Latrinas

why can't americans play clash royale

they are already missing two towers

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American, Russian and Serbian presidents argue about who has a more loyal and devout soldier

(Explanation for non-Balkan people: Serbs are known to be very stubborn, and sometimes refuse to do what you demand them to do or they do the opposite, just "because")



Biden says: "I'll show you the pride of the USA military. John, come here!"



A soldier arrives, salute...

German, American, and Russian discuss their traveling habits.

The German says: "We have very well developed railways, and when going to a neighboring country we take the train."

The American then goes: "Well, my country is very large, and traveling on a train is not efficient. When we are traveling to a neighboring county we fly in a plane".

The ...

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An American, a Englishman and a Russian are applying to be CIA agents.

They go through every single test and pass with flying colors. For their final test they are each given a pistol and led inside a room with their wife tied to a chair and are instructed to kill her. The American goes into the room and comes out 5 minutes later.

"I couldn't do it, I'm sorry."...

As an American looking at the situation in Afghanistan

It's good to see that, even decades later, the freedom fighters we trained can still drive out a superpower.

A tourist decides to visit a Native American Chief who is famous for his perfect memory.

"Okay, Chief..." says the tourist,

"Let's test that memory of yours. What did you eat for breakfast on May 9th, 1972?"

The Chief thinks for a moment, and responds "Eggs."

The tourist replies, "Wow, that's incredible! You really do have a perfect memory." and leaves.

...

I'm making a documentary about the American education system.

Shooting starts soon.

If this year has taught us anything, it’s that Donald Trump is a regular American citizen

He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job

I nervously applied to sing on American Idol and Simon Cowell asked if I could perform under pressure.

I said no,but I could do Bohemian Rhapsody!

An American visits a Restaurant in Spain

When his order arrives he becomes furious...

"Waiter!!! Why is my soup so cold??"

"Sir, it's Gazpacho"

"Ok Gazpacho why is my soup so cold?"

What do the Patriots and an American who took an ambulance have in common?

They were crushed by the bills.

What's the difference between American catgirls and Spanish catgirls?

One says nya and the other says ña.

A Polack, An American and an Englishman all go skydiving...

The polack jumps fist, the American waits ten seconds, then the Englishman jumps a moment layer.

The Polack pulls his chute and it opens. The American pulls his, and it fails to open. He falls screaming passed the Polack. The Englishman pulls his chute, and it fails to open. He ...

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American writer Dorothy Parker was once asked "Why don't you go to church on sunday?"

She replied: "I'm too fucking busy and vice versa."

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