I'm an American, and I'm sick of people saying, “America is the stupidest country in the world.”

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.

Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?...

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

Why are Americans bad at League of Legends ?

They can’t defend the towers

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russia...

I'm Aussie and Americans are always asking me where in Australia there isn’t something trying to kill you...

School is my answer!

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

An American walks into an Irish bar.

While on vacation, an American walks into an Irish pub and orders a drink. After a minute he says out loud, "I'll bet anyone in here $1,000 if they can take 10 shots of Jameson in a row, without stopping or vomiting." The bar gets quiet except for one man who gets up and walks out. The American laug...

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

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Two American journalists are in London.

Two American journalists are in London attending a press convention. That evening they are in the bar chatting to fellow UK journalists when the subject of how headlines are written came up. The UK journo's commented that the Headlines in America are far too long. They need to be much shorter, and t...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.

He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think y...

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

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A cowboy sees a bunch of American Indians on the horizon and thinks: ''I'm fucked...'', but a voice in the back of his head says: ''Not so fast! Kill the chief!!!''

''What?! Why?'' - thinks the cowboy.

''Just kill the chief!'' - says the voice.

The cowboy hesitated a bit more and than drew his gun and shot the chief.

As the chief was falling from his horse the voice in the cowboy's head said: ''*Now* you're fucked...''

You're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there?

European

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

"Boy, British people sure pronounce 'aluminum' weirdly".

Said the American walking into his condominum to prepare for a date with his SO at the planetarum in this marvellous millenum.

Why are Americans so dumb?

Because they shoot the ones who go to school.

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Polish husband

A  Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. 
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. 

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circu...

I've just finished writing a script for a film I titled "American Schools"

Shooting starts soon.

Why don’t Americans eat snails?

We prefer fast food.

Why don’t Americans spell “color” like “colour?”

It was their way of telling Great Britain that they don’t need u.

Why do Americans still think they are in “The Greatest country in the world”?

When your citizens are 37th in the world in education, you can pretty much tell them anything.

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The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured.

His Captain yells, "Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?"

"Well Captain", he says, wiping blood from his face, "I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, ...

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NSFW while in china an American is sexually promiscuous and doesn't use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the states, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.
<...

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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American,

an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Brun...

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3 europeans come to America. They all get captured by native americans and they want to kill them.

But the europeans beg to have their lives spared. The native americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The native american says "Shove it up ...

How do American school kids learn the metric system?

9 millimeters at a time

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Why is American beer like making love in a canoe?

It is fucking close to water.

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII...

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII. He was placed into a detention cell and soon a neatly uniformed SS officer comes to interrogate him.

“Vhere is your unit based?” asks the officer in accented English. But the soldier looks him dead in the eyes and says only “Tick t...

I read that 9 out of 10 Americans are bad at math

I'm glad I'm one of the other 1%

Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour

British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words.
American English: no u

The year is 1944. The Americans are advancing fast. Adolf Hitler is furious and starts to listen to defensive tactics proposed by his commanders...

The first commander suggests they pull out the tanks from the Eastern front and deploy them in the Western front, so that the defenses there would be hard to go past.

"Are you crazy? That's a horrible idea!" Hitler exclaimed.

The second commander steps in and suggests a horrible idea f...

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A Turk, an American and a Russian are going on a space mission.

They’ll have to stay for a year and observe various space anomalies.

Before they go, they are given the right of picking a stock of something they like for keeping their morale up.

Russian goes for Vodka and he gets 30 bottles of Smirnoff.

American wants some bacon, it’s granted...

Dear Americans, if you're dissatisfied with your current government....

have you tried switching it off and on again?

What is the difference between Americans and Canadians?

L'attitude

Why did the American start shooting the river?

He learned fish swim in schools

we should stop making fun of the Americans for using inches, foot, miles, etc as units of measurements.

it's not like they crashed a rocket into Mars because of this or something... oh wait...

3 Native Americans Americans are living in the wilderness together.

One of them is extremely smart, one is average, and one is extremely stupid. One day, it is the extremely smart one’s turn to catch and cook dinner. He goes out and comes back with a bear. The other two are astounded and ask, “How did you catch this bear?” The extremely smart one replies, “I see tra...

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A Canadian, American, and Japanese guy get stranded on an island

The American guy says: "We really need to find some supplies for our survival."

The Japanese guy turns to him and says: "I'll get working on the supplies, you guys try to create a signal in case help arrives near the island", and with that the Japanese guy turns and runs into the forest on th...

Why Americans don’t need to feel bad when they are criticized by the British

Sometimes I hear people from Great Britain talk about how bad the education is in The US. I do get a little offended, but then I realize they are just salty because we beat them in The Civil War.

News just in that American teachers will now be armed with 9mm Glocks.

Librarians will be issued silencers.

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Why weren't the American father and his son allowed in Japan?

Because the last time Japan had a fat man and a little boy, things didn't end well.

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A black man from the USA, 200 cm tall, enters a coffee shop in Ukraine.

He sits down and orders a whiskey. An Ukrainian, 210 cm tall, enters the tavern, sits across the American and orders vodka.

The American, wanting to look superior, takes his whiskey and drinks it all at once.

So then the Ukrainian wanted to show that he can do it too, so he takes his v...

Little Johnny, a young American boy, is down at the shops when..

He sees a group of disgruntled looking Australian tourists holding maps and wandering around.

Being the inquisitive young lad that he is he decides to try and find out a bit about them. Although he cant understand a word they're saying he quickly learns that they're from an ancient Australian...

The American Government is just like a car...

If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)

German Dream

We were talking about the American dream in class and the teacher said to a German boy if he had a German dream. He said, "We did but no-one liked it."

The American view of the world is too self-centered...

I mean on maps they literally label their country "US."

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Two Arab guys move to the US, and they have a friendly bet as to who would become more “Americanized” in a year.

After a year, the first guy: I just dropped off my kids at baseball practice, and I’m taking him to McDonalds later.

The second guy: Fuck off, towelhead!

A Russian, a German and an American walk into a bar...

I ducked.

How many English people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one. What do you think they are? Americans?

An American politician invites an Indian minister to his home.

The AP shows the Indian minister his Rolls Royce.

"Beautiful isn't it?" He asks the minister.

"Hmm, Yes it is"

"Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?"
*the AP points in a direction*
"You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets"
<...

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An American walks into a pub

An American walks into a pub in London. He sits down, and as the bartender approaches he says "Howdy, I'll have a pint of Budweiser, please." The bartender pours the drink, sets it front him and says " Ah, you must be an American." The American says "How could you tell, by my accent, or my preferenc...

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Two American soldiers were walking in the jungle of Vietnam

As they were walking, a snake pops out of nowhere and bites one of them, right on his penis.
He collapses shortly afterward and starts sweating.

“I don’t wanna lose you buddy” the other soldier says as he’s crying and holding his dying friends hand.

The bitten soldier says “listen...

A native American shaman had an apprentice

One day the apprentice said to his mentor, "You take long trip. I try be shaman for summer."

The shaman asked, "Why should I take trip?"

The apprentice tried bribery. "If you take trip, I feed you belly full."

The shaman agreed, so the apprentice gave his mentor a big meal, and ...

(Dark) What do you call depressed American kids?

Shooting stars

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An English joke

American, Frenchman, Englishman and Pakistani all on top of Eifel tower.

American throws aload of money over the edge. "What did you do that for?" the others ask. "We have so much money in the states that I can afford to."

The Frenchman throws loads of bottles of wine over the top and...

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An American revolutionary war veteran went to London for a grand ball.

Upon his arrival, the man in charge welcomed him graciously. They laughed and danced with the men and women until midnight, where he suddenly felt the urge to use the bathroom.

After receiving directions by the man, he walked inside the large bathroom to find that the only decoration was a ...

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Native American walks into a hotel.

Receptionist: “You have a reservation?”

Native American: “Fuck you man.”

Native American walks out.

What do you call a concern about a specific time you may have booked on Native American property?

A reservation reservation reservation.

Did you know that Solar Radiation has turned the American Flags on the Moon White?

Great... Now people will think France has been there

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My African American friend

He just had sex for the first time.
I guess you can say that he's a laid black guy

TIL College football is actually a combination of two American pastimes

Coercive land grabbing, and exploiting unpaid black labor

The stranded Chinese, American and Dutch

So a Chinese, an American and a Dutch are stranded on an island. The American takes responsibility and says: "We need things to survive so I would say that go fish, you Chinese guy get some suplies and the Dutch should get firewood for the night."

Like the American said, it happend. In the ev...

As a Brit, I can't get into American football

They rugby the wrong way

I find it amusing Americans call it “soccer” and the English call it “football”

Just like how I find it amusing the English call it “shooting range” and the Americans call it “school”

A frenchman, an american and a russian are all caught by a tribe cannibals.

The chief meets with the three and tells them "We want to eat you. But we are a civilized people, so we will give you a chance live. To take this chance, your first task will be to bring to us 10 of any fruit you can find."

&#x200B;

So the three go out into the wilderness looking f...

What do you call the Asian influence in American Culture?

An East infection

I like American cola just fine, and Mexican cokes are even better!

But Columbian coke is especially great!

An american soldier was a russian POW captive

One day his left arm got infected and they needed to amputate.
Can you send my arm back to America?
Yes
The next week his right arm got infected and needed to be amputated.
Can you send it back to america?
Yes
The next week his left leg got infected and needed to be amputated
...

A Canadian asks an American to watch a movie together.

American: Have you seen the Titanic?

Canadian: What's that about?

American: Yes it was. A huge one that sank.

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your s...

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An American college student goes to Dublin for St Patrick’s Day

He's getting hammered in a pub, and goes to take a leak. He steps up to the urinal, and this little guy, with a bright orange beard, and all in green, steps up next to him, whips out this giant dick and starts pissing too. The American guy has never seen a dick that big, and he kind of blurts out, “...

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An American businessman was meeting with the managers of the Tokyo office.

His first night in town, he had a hooker come up to his hotel room. While they were engaging in sex, the hooker kept squirming moaning, "Sung wa! Sung wa!" The businessman didn't know Japanese, but figured the hooker was really into him, and "Sung wa" must mean some expression of pleasure.
...

TIL that Sir Paul McCartney once turned down nearly $64 million to appear on an American talk show because he wanted to stay home and watch his favorite sport on TV.

It was *Ellen* or rugby.

You’re American right before you enter a restroom but what are you once you’re in there?

European.

An American couple travelling through Canada get lost while exploring farm country.

They see a farmer on the side of the road, so the husband pulls up.

"I'll go see where we are," he says as he gets out.

He approaches the farmer.

"Say there, can you tell me where we are?" he says.

"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," the farmer says.

The man gets back in th...

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An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing

While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls tes...

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An American and Japanese team decided to engage in a competitive boat race.

Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.

On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a c...

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Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at McDonald's the first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practise and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it's Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby...

Two Americans were walking in the Arabian desert one morning, when they come across a mosque.

They hadn't had food or water for days, and thought maybe the people in the mosque would give them some.

"Ok, Joe, we will tell these people we are Muslims, and maybe they will give us some food and something to drink. You'll be Hassan, and I'll be Muhammed", said Roger.

"No way, man. ...

Why don’t American schools give Fs on report cards anymore?

Because they’ve already paid enough respects to their students.

I know a pair of Chinese-American Twins

One of them, Ving, is a childhood friend of mine. I'm not particularly close with his sister, Ling, but we get along.

One day, Ving tells me he wants to change his name to "Lee". He thinks it'll help him fit in more, as it's a more American name. Ling, who's proud of her heritage and traditio...

The American school system is very disorganised and poorly run

I guess school really does prepare you for the real world

Cop spots a guy driving past with a South American plate. He's eating some kind of Mexican food and has no clothes on! He pulls him over and asks, "Where are you from? What are you eating? Aren't you cold?"

"Chilly", he replies.

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Have you ever been to a Native American orgy?

It's fucking intense.

How do Americans make their tea?

By throwing it in the harbor.

An Indian scientist was collaborating with an American called Robert

Both of them being genetic researchers, they had reached a breakthrough in rice where a gene introduced would help it grow in the most adverse of conditions. They called it Victory gene, or V gene for short.

But Robert decided to steal the credit for himself, so he stole the v gene, and escap...

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American tells to his Russian colleague:

"When Trump passes by, we all swear, spit, and throw rotten fruit on him"

The Russian:

"When Putin passes by, we all piss on him"

The American:

"I exaggerated a little - we swear whispering, spit aside, and while throwing, we don't hit".

The Russian:

"And I ...

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An American, a Frenchman and a Chinese walk into a bar.

An American, a Frenchman and a Chinese walk into a bar. The topic of WW2 comes up and the Frenchman says to the American, "Dropping two atomic bombs on Japan was a terrible mistake." The Chinese nods. "You should have dropped more than two."

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane...

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat … As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, ” Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “” Business. I’m going to the Annual Nympho- maniacs of America C...

An Italian, American and Frenchman get captured

First they interrogate the Frenchman, he reveals everything in 20 minutes

Next the American goes, and lasts up to an hour until he spills the beans.

Finally the Italian goes, and after a whole day of torture, still says nothing.

Back in the cell, the American and Frenchman ask t...

What's Donald Trump's Native American name?

Talking Bull

This American woman ran up to me and said, "Help, someone robbed me as I was leaving the elevator." I said, "That's not right!"

She said, "I know, right? What shall I do?"

I said, "Start calling it a lift like normal people do."